Dead Ringers: Ep 3. Glastonbury, Benefits, and Bombs.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

This is Iranian State TV.

And now a message from our supreme leader.

Glorious people of Iran, our nation stood with one voice.

Today I celebrate our victory over the warmongers Israel and America from my personal bunker deep beneath 150 feet of solid concrete.

May all our enemies perish in...

Oh, sorry, excuse me.

I'm.

Sorry.

Oh, Tuller, can you buzz up a bit?

Sorry, it's a bit cramped in here.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm Keir.

You did say we're under 150 feet of concrete, didn't you?

Oh, good.

Right.

Should be safe here.

Ash, you don't have a bunker under 250 feet of concrete, do you?

Only all my MPs are a nasty bunch of loony lefties trying to stab me in the back.

Dead ringers.

Shut up, NATO summit losers.

It's your daddy here.

It's been so good for me to get involved with this war between Iran and Israel.

Two countries whose names I can pronounce.

So nice and short.

Nicest names.

Shortest names.

ann should have known not to mess with the Donald because I'm a man of peace, which is why I dropped the bombs.

I love those bombs.

Did you know they make a tiny little mushroom cloud?

Although I heard enough about tiny mushrooms during my court case with Stormy Daniels.

They're saying that my big beautiful bombs didn't do so much damage.

Fake news They did big damage the best damage and no, there is no more enriched uranium anywhere in the whole world.

It's all gone.

The only thing that's getting enriched around here is me.

Because let me tell you this, folks, Don Jr.

is on QVC right now.

He's selling the new Trump Bunker Buster cigarette lighter.

Solid gold plastic.

And definitely not made in China.

Apart from the bits that are made in China.

Which is all of it.

Anyway, gotta go now.

There's a Nobel Peace Prize with my name on it.

Or at least there will be when I find my Sharpie.

So long, losers!

This is today with Nick Robinson in London.

And Emma Barnet in a field in Somerset.

I'm not at Glastonbury, it was just the furthest I could go to avoid Nick.

Kia Starma is to water down his benefit reforms.

Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner joins me.

Listen up, Emma.

Two days ago, Keir said he's 100% totally, definitely not watering down his disabled benefit cuts.

Oh, so that means...

He's definitely going to water down his disabled benefit cuts.

And despite the assisted dying bill being passed, the Commons Health Secretary Wes Streeting says the NHS can't afford it.

He joins me now.

We have to be realistic here, Nick.

We're going to have to use cheaper methods.

Such as...

Like creeping up behind old people and popping a balloon.

Or telling their favourite grandson now wants to be called Jemima while they're eating a boiled sweet.

But assisted dying isn't just for the elderly.

Many people decide that they want to end it all.

Tell me about it.

I sit in cabinet meetings with Keir Starmer.

Let me tell you, those safety locks on the windows aren't just a show, you know.

Hello and welcome to Pestent with me, the man with a voice like a fairground ride.

First it speeds up, then it slows.

Where it goes next, nobody knows.

President Trump surprised many this week when he dropped the F-bomb live on television.

I'm joined by Sir Keir Starber.

Prime Minister, the question is, did he inform you that it was going to happen?

As you know, Robert, the US and the UK have a special relationship.

So as his closest ally, of course, Donald keeps me up to date with whatever it is he's planning.

He said, and I quote, Iran and Israel don't know what the f ⁇ they're doing.

Did he or did he not consult you on the dropping of that F-bomb in advance?

Well, as his closest ally.

I asked because only a day or so before you said you'd sat next to him at the G7 dinner and he specifically told you he wasn't going to swear.

Did he consult or not?

Look, what happened was the president called me, Robert, and he definitely swore at me down the phone.

Although, to be honest, he does that quite a lot.

But we are continuing to press for a de-escalation.

How so?

Well, I've asked him to stop saying that really bad word and maybe say something like tits on bum holes instead.

Speaking of which, I spoke earlier to your Foreign Secretary, David Lammy.

Lammy?

Oh, he doesn't know what the f he's doing.

Welcome back to Good Morning Britain.

I'm Susannah Reid.

Cheery and charming, but with the resting heart rate of a sniper.

The US has carried out military strikes on several Iranian nuclear sites.

Joining us is David Lamy, the forgettable foreign secretary,

or FFS for short.

David Lamy, were the US strikes on Iran legal?

Good morning, Susanna.

Can I say first of all that I'd like to say, first of all, that the situation is such that, first of all David, David, it's your inner monologue here.

This is important, so try not to lammy it up as usual, David.

Say the wrong thing and you could jeopardize a complex international situation.

So don't drop a lammy.

I want to be extremely clear.

Then stop talking.

The only time you walk to me is when you're you're asleep.

What I can say is.

No,

don't say what you were about to say just then.

Or what you're thinking now.

Or that.

I am conscious.

Of no, just conscious.

What our viewers want to know is.

Can I just finish my point?

No, you don't have one.

What point?

The point is, Susanna, that...

Sorry, Susanna, you're breaking up.

Mr.

Lammy, you're not on the phone.

You're here with me in the studio.

Oh, what an absolute Lammy.

Welcome to the News Agents.

I'm Emily.

I'm John.

And I'm the other one.

Okay, okay, strap in, guys.

It's time for an emergency podcast.

Another one.

You bet your sweet ass, you know the drill, guys.

I'll get into my pajamas and pretend I'm zooming from a hotel room in The Hague.

And I'll get a cocktail out to give the illusion I've been dragged from a beach in the Seychelles.

And what do I do?

Nothing good on you, little squit.

You're always here.

Okay.

Okay, soaps, without resorting to one of your tedious analogies that never gets to the point, what the hell is going on in the news that requires us to record an absolutely essential emergency podcast?

Well, the situation reminds me of when I was was BBC America correspondent, me at Dodgers Stadium where I ate a hot dog with fries and I thought, well, this is just like...

No, I'm sorry.

Hold on.

There's no time now for social tedium.

This is another emergency podcast alert, so we need to do another emergency podcast on top of our emergency podcast.

Wait!

We've got to interrupt those two other emergency podcasts to record another emergency podcast.

Bloody hell, there's more news.

We need a fourth emergency podcast.

Quick, John, more of your succinct analysis.

Well, I once ate a cheeseburger in Chicago, and it had a thing on it called a Gherkin.

No!

No!

Oh!

It's another news alert!

We're under attack from the news cycle.

We need to record an emergency, emergency, emergency, emergency, emergency podcast.

Oh, God, what's Trump said now?

It's not Trump.

We have to record an emergency podcast about everyone being sick to the bat teeth of emergency podcasts.

Don't worry, worry guys, me and Alistair have got this.

Bloody hell, not Rory Stewart.

That's right.

Welcome to the Rest is Emergency Podcasts.

Shocked by world events?

You'll need me and Alistair's opinion straight away.

Otherwise, you won't know what to think.

This reminds me of the time that I was in Washington and I bought a giant pretzel from a street vendor.

Shut up, sir.

Patrol.

Welcome back to the BBC's coverage of Glastonbury.

I'm shiny, happy, smiley, Joe Wiley.

I'm not saying I'm best mates with all the bands, but Snow Patrol just fitted my kitchen.

So

we're out here mingling with festival goers, and we've only gone and bumped into the Prime Minister.

Lovely to be with you Joe.

I'm very much a festivals person.

Oh that is that is so great to hear.

So what are your favourite festivals?

Festivals yes.

Okay so you've caused a bit of a stir here at Glastonbury by saying you don't think the band Kneecap should be playing.

On the contrary I'm pleased kneecap are playing.

Oh you are?

Yes and here's why.

Tickets cost £400.

There's VIP glamping, gourmet food tents, and I keep overhearing people in Hunter Welles talking about their heat pumps.

If anything's going to turn those rowdy lads middle class, it's this place.

When they get back to London, it'll be less free Palestine and more, can we get little Lucinda violin lessons?

And how about tickets to see John Lith going giant in the West End?

Right, so you don't want anyone banned from the festival.

Well, yes, actually.

TBA on the pyramid stage on Saturday afternoon.

You do realise that TBA isn't actually a band.

That's to be announced.

Meaning, you know, it's going to be a really big name.

The Glastonbury crowd love.

I mean, there's already talk it could be Lord.

It's Jeremy Corbyn.

What?

Yeah.

I've just seen him rehearsing.

Ever since Israel started shucking bombs about, he got the old band back together.

Just like Oasis, it's one more tall before they give up.

Diane Abbott on Backing Vocals.

Gaston Billy!

Hello!

Are you ready to rock?

Are you ready

to unequivocally condemn the Israeli and American governments for their unprovoked aggression towards Iran?

What about Russia and Ukraine?

Well,

uh,

Jomi?

Just a moment, Diane.

I will handle this.

Now, listen, there is no equivalence between Russia and Israel.

One is clearly an aggressive, war-mongering country that must be condemned utterly.

And the other is just a bit of high spirits and it'll sort itself out.

Nothing to see here, and this festival is at an end.

Put your joststicks in the nearest bin and leave

On LBC, it's tonight with Andrew Maher.

Yes, indeed it is.

A massive rebellion from MPs on proposed reforms to welfare benefits.

Joining me now is the Work and Pension Secretary, Liz Kendall.

Good evening, Andrew.

And let me say it's so important we listen to my colleagues' concerns, which are very real.

And what are your colleagues' concerns?

They're very real.

Like I just said and that's why I'm speaking with the rebels all the time.

And have you managed to convince any of them to change their mind?

Oh, absolutely.

I was speaking to one rebel only this morning.

He represents a Scottish constituency, very passionate man, really worried about what the Longshanks have done to his country.

Right.

But when I explained our proposed changes to personal independence payments to him, he said he'd support them because, and I quote, they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom.

Sorry, but isn't that the rebel William Wallace from Braveheart?

I speak to rebels all the time.

Another chap, he really understands life's challenges because he himself had to escape from slavery, would you believe?

And yet now he's leading the rebellion against his Roman masters.

That, I believe, is Spartacus.

It's a funny story.

When I went to meet him, I didn't know what he looked like, and I asked him to identify himself.

And half the room stood up.

Miss Kendall.

And a long time ago, in a constituency far, far away,

I spoke to a very gifted young man who's joined with an alliance of rebels who want to destroy a moon-sized space station.

And that's Luke Skywalker.

Minister, have you actually spoken to any of the Labour rebels?

Oh, God, no.

They all bloody hate me.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Secretary General of NATO, Mark Rutte.

Good morning, everyone, and thank you for making this journey to The Hague.

for this year's vital NATO summit.

I realize that asking you to commit 5% of GDP to defense is a monumental demand.

But I hope that...

Stop everything!

Help has arrived!

Who are you?

How did you get in here?

I am Martin Lewis, money-saving expert.

And I got in here because I helped your head of security save 62% on his broadband.

Now, if you want to make your defense spending go further, then you must do exactly as I say.

First, tell me how many fighter jets have you got in an ISA?

What?

None!

Then things are worse than I feared.

We'll start with your naval fleets.

From now on, don't buy a single nuclear submarine without first checking for any being given away on Freecycle.

It's preposterous.

Nobody's giving away submarines.

You never know, I found a two-tier air fryer on there just last week.

Now, assault helicopters.

I don't want you buying any any until Black Friday.

We cannot wait.

We need them now.

What if I told you my team is scouring the web for a deal where each aircraft comes with not one, not two, but three months of Disney Plus absolutely free?

Sorry, who are you again?

I am Martin Lewis, and I will not rest until you're buying your missiles on nectar points and your tanks with a 60% off voucher.

Wait, wait, my savings sense is tingling.

I have to be at an ASTA in Wakefield in 60 seconds to stop a shopper from spending 3p more than he needs to on a pack of Haribo tang fast sticks up up and away

hello and welcome to Springwatch live

with me Chris Packham at any one time I have three live voles down my trousers

And me, Michaela Strachan, Taylor Swift for people who think turnips have souls.

Where are we today, Michaela?

Well, Chris, we're in the beautiful Cotswolds, in a hide, looking out for rare tawny owls who live in this small sliver of forest between two farms.

A priceless habitat for a truly extraordinary and beautiful creature.

Oh, look,

we look on Cameronine.

There's one here now.

Yes.

Oh, that is absolutely wonderful.

It has a family of newly hatched chicks as well.

Now, I think I can actually hear something.

Yes.

Is that daddy owl coming to say hello?

Is it Balls?

Welcome to Clarkson's Farm.

And that owl is going in my new wood chipper.

Hello.

What are you doing?

It's called Progress, Blondie.

That owl in its habitat, as you vegan types call it, is in the way of my pub's new bog.

My customers need somewhere to crap out my 20 quid badger burgers.

You can't do this.

Is that a vole in your trousers or are you just pleased to see me?

It's definitely a vole.

Give it here.

No!

I'm calling the college.

No, you're not Packham.

In you go.

You've wood-chipped Chris Packham.

Yes, he'll make a lovely new addition to Diddly Squat's new sausage selection.

Vegan Range.

Welcome back to Glastonbury, the anti-capitalist festival where chips cost a tenor.

I'm Lauren Laverne, and I'm mingling with the crowd despite there being no way any BBC presenters would camp here.

We all stay in hotels at your expense.

But there are truly some weird and wonderful sights today, like this lady wearing crocs full of custard.

Excuse me, can I just say I love your costume?

What costume?

I always wear these.

Kemi Berdinoch.

That's right, yes.

So, Kemi, are you camping or glamping?

No, neither.

I've dug myself an intricate system of subterranean burrows.

And why have you done this?

Because I am a low-energy weirdo.

Would you like to hear me play a nursery rhyme on this recorder I've whittled out of a cucumber?

No, thank you.

Look, how about some quickfire glass door questions?

Favourite stage?

The larval stage of a moth.

Most memorable act?

The Wheat Silage Act of 1642.

Favourite field?

Field Marshal Hague.

Must-have festival item?

Um, a tent made of walrus pubes.

Thank you, Kemi Baidenock.

No, no, no, thank you.

And now I must go and we in this welly.

Oh, dear.

Cue for the toilet's too long, is it?

No, Lauren, it's just the way I roll.

You're watching Politics Hub on Sky News with me, Sophie Ridge.

I'm joined in the studio now by the leader of the Liberal Democrats, Sir Ed Davey.

Good evening, Sophie.

You've suggested this week that the government should distribute pamphlets to ensure every British home is war ready.

Why is that?

Well, Sophie, in my view, people in this country spend all their time indulging in frivolous activities and they really need to take things a bit more seriously.

And you've chosen to make that point, Sir Ed, whilst bouncing up and down on a trampoline.

What can I say, Sophie?

Old habits die hard.

But this is really a critical issue.

For example, if there were a catastrophic power outage, that could mean people would be completely unable to inflate their bouncy castles.

A sobering thought.

Not only that, if fuel supplies are disrupted,

people may need to turn to alternative methods of transport.

So I recommend investing in a backup paddleboard and an emergency slip and slide.

Sir Ed, there is clearly a serious message here about the importance of preparedness, but is it possible you're the wrong person to deliver it?

Why would you say that?

Well, because you do seem to be a fundamentally silly man.

Thank you, Sergey.

And if your viewers remember only one thing, it's

not too high.

BBC Radio 4.

I'm now Penelope Wilton with the Radio 4 Appeal, in aid of confused left-wingers.

For many young people on the left, morality exists only in black and white.

They struggle desperately to take a balanced view of global events.

But for just £5

a month, you can help a left-wing Gen Zer understand that nuance exists.

And it isn't just the name of their favourite juice bar.

Your donation could remind a left-wing 20-something posting, I Stand with Iran, that that regime's morality police murders young women for not wearing a hijab.

And for £10,

you can send them a link to their own tweet just three years ago when they made that point when it was trendy and then forgot about it because Sabrina Carpenter dropped a new album.

Your money could help us to gently suggest that it doesn't make you far right to be concerned about a hostile state developing a secret nuclear weapon.

And with your support, we can take steps to reduce their access to James O'Brien.

We want to show young people there is another way, by speaking to them in a language they'll understand.

They might be non-binary in their gender presentation, but with your help, they can be non-binary in politics, too.

Donate today,

because the middle ground isn't just for centrist dads who listen to six music and idolise Alastair Campbell.

It's for everyone who doesn't want a nuclear war.

Thank you.

For the man who knows how to enter a room.

Starmer.

And then leave it again without making an impression.

Starmer.

I'm indescribable, ineffectual.

Starmer.

When I look you in the eye, you think...

Did I remember to take the bins out last night?

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I don't have an opinion on this fragrance.

Welcome back to the BBC's coverage of Glastow, the television equivalent of your nan explaining TikTok to you.

I'm Nick Grimmy, Grimshaw.

No, no, no, let me speak.

Right, it's Big Niger.

Come to put an end to this nonsense.

Hey, hang on.

Glastonbury is a celebration of our British cultural heritage.

Oh, God bless you, you lovable vagrant.

But I think you'll find Glastonbury is a godless pagan orgy full of woke lefties who hang earrings off their willies and drink their own wee.

I'm putting an end to it and putting on my own festival, Gammonbury.

Gammonbury?

Yeah, a British festival for proper British values.

Every act starts and finishes with the full-length version of Jerusalem, with a Spitfire flyover and reconstruction of the English Civil War with hardened ale quaffing dancers.

But that that doesn't sound very diverse well it's kind of you to say so

but first of all it's like years in the making you need licensing you need tickets you need food vendors preparation is for losers you toussal haired tramp

after all i spent years campaigning for brexit and i didn't give a thought about how it turned out

And it turned out absolutely fine, didn't it?

Yes, Gammonbury is going to be the place for proud, red-faced, flag-waving warriors whose wives haven't let them near them in 30 years.

My kind of people, yeah.

Oh, are you all right, Janita Hog?

I'd rather be strangled by my own gonad, mate.

Right, bulky, mine's a large one, and yes, I'm drinking, and yes, I'm bragging.

Daredrinkers was performed by Jan Ravens, John Kolshaw, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisby, and Louis McLeod.

It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom James, Lawrence Howard, Tom Coles, Sophie Dixon, Tucson Douglas, Peter Toulouche, Rob Dark, Edward Tube and John Holmes.

With additional material by Alice Bright, Katie Sayer, Davina Bentley, Chris Ballard.

It was a BBC Studios audio production.

Dare Dringers was created by Bill Dare and the producer was John Holmes.

From BBC Radio 4, this is What Seriously?

I'm Dar O'Brien and I'm Izzy Sutte and in our new series we're bringing you short stories and tall tales.

What Seriously is packed with real-life, strange, but true stories that make you go, what, seriously?

And provide you with excellent social ammo to impress your friends.

The twist is, we don't know how each story unfolds, and we'll have to figure it out one fragment at a time with our special guests who each have a mysterious connection to the tale.

That's right.

I am your spy expert.

And I don't really want to bring you back to the real facts of the story because you make me laugh so much, but I feel like I should.

We're the only country in the world that ate the animal on our crest, like, and I never know whether to feel terrible or brilliant about that.

All these engineers trying desperately to reduce the amount of of dust in space, and you get Izzy taking up a balloon full of black silk.

Wow.

You're welcome.

Shut that one on the house.

I know you're right.

It's like I'm eating from a sheet or something, but never have.

Join us for what, seriously?

From BBC Radio 4.

Available now on BBC Sounds.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.