Dead Ringers: Ep1. Greta, Trump and Eau de Farage

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed-from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Order!

Order!

Order!

Statement from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves.

Thank you, Mr.

Speaker.

Now, I know these have been a desperately difficult few years for the British economy.

And despite me trying to pretend my spending review is a good thing, I'm well aware that the British electorate holds me directly responsible for the mess we're in.

But what I want to say to my critics is.

Sorry,

what's that noise?

It sounds like some sort of a sailing ship.

Fear not, Madame Chancellor, for help has arrived.

Greta Thunberg!

Yes, the appalling plight of Rachel Reeves' political career has moved me profoundly.

So I have joined this freedom flotilla to bring a negligible amount of aid supplies

and a huge quantity of bad publicity.

For wherever there is suffering in this world, there you will find me, not really helping and arguably making things worse.

Dead ringers.

Welcome to News Night with me, Victoria Derbyshire.

I'm a no-nonsense woman, so if it's my birthday, don't get me nonsense, because I'll take it straight back to the shop and exchange it for a voucher.

The government has announced it will proceed with plans to build the Sizewell Sea nuclear power plant.

I'm joined now by Ed Milliband.

Look, you know, you're right to say that, Victoria, because for our future energy security, we need

new

nuclear.

That's why this government is investing in new nuclear.

From the moment I became energy secretary, I knew new nuclear will offer not one, but two sources of energy.

How so?

Well, because as well as the nuclear reactor, Sizewell C will also harness the energy from me struggling to say new nuclear.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, basically, each time I try to say new nuclear out of my strange mouth, it'll give the country an 80% higher level of energy resilience, and it'll give me a 50% higher chance of hemorrhoids.

And you really believe you can harness this energy?

Well, look, Victoria, I do.

New nuclear, new nuclear, new,

new.

Oh, God, I think I'm having a core meltdown robins.

I'm going to blow.

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson in London and Emma Barnett in a huff.

And in the news, the Foreign Office have told staff who raised concerns about the UK's complicity in the crisis in Gaza that if they disagree with government policy, they can resign.

One staff member told us he would be willing to fall on his sword, but the government has sold it to Israel.

Of course, Chancellor Rachel Reeves has delivered her spending review.

She joins me now.

Lovely to be here, Nick.

What a wonderful day it is.

I have to say, Chancellor, it's like you're a whole new you.

You've gone from being Morrissey on Downers to being Anton Deck doling out the cash on an ITV game show.

Oh, it's all cool vibes and happy days from here on in.

Oh, hang on.

Sorry.

We're just hearing that the economy has shrunk by 0.3%.

Oh, sorry, everyone.

Fund's over.

I need that money back.

And the Prime Minister joins us now.

Sir Keir, amid the spending review, you declared this week that the UK will become a leader in artificial intelligence.

Hello, Nicholas Robinson, today programme presenter.

What a gratification it is to be on British Broadcasting Corporation Radio.

Sorry, is that you, Prime Minister?

Affirmative.

I am the Prime Minister and have been since the 5th of July 2024.

Prime Minister, forgive me for asking, but are you so keen on AI that you've sent it to do this interview?

Negative.

AI is a cold, emotionless machine.

Totally different from the Prime Minister.

Correction me.

I really think this is AI.

Let's speak to your deputy instead.

Angela Rayner, this AI, forgive me, is crap.

It's not AI, Nick.

It's him.

It's actually him.

He's like this all the bloody times.

I am Kia Starma.

My mother was AI, and my dad was a radio.

Tonight on Love Island, there's trouble in paradise.

I'm like so shocked, they were like the strongest couple on paper from like Day Doc.

Yeah, we all thought they'd go like the full distance.

They started off so well, coupling up straight away.

Elon is a truly incredible guy.

And I don't say that so often.

He's a super genius, bigly style on the tech, no fakeness.

I love Donnie.

He is 100% my type.

I salute him.

And I have a special salute to do that with.

But then the relationship hits the rocks as a new bombshell shakes up the villa.

A new hump turns up at Casa Moor.

Big, beautiful Bill.

I hate Bill.

Listen, I don't know why we're fighting over Bill.

You keep spending all your time with that girl, Ketamina.

Tune in tomorrow when, according to Elon at least, Donnie swaps Love Island for Epstein Island.

Those files are classified and that's how they're gonna stay.

Crime is rampant.

The public is scared.

And the police have received a 1.7% real terms rise in their budget, but only if it's paid for by increases in council tax.

But one man is ready to rise up to tackle lawlessness.

Hello, I'm Robert Jenrick.

By day, just another stupidly wealthy Tory.

But at night, as the fair-dodging scum come out, he's transformed into the Crap Crusader.

Deep beneath Jenrick Manor, in his Jenrick cave, the Crap Crusader is with his faithful butler.

Master Robert...

It's important that you remember your origins.

What it was that turned you into the superhero vigilante that you are today.

I remember, Alfred.

I remember when I was taken to the theatre with my parents.

That day is seared on my brain.

The moment that fair dodger pushed in front of my father and mother as they went through the barrier for the Piccadilly line.

I never saw either of them again.

But what, they were killed?

No, they just ran off and left me there.

Well, I must say, Master Robert, that skin-tight black latex costume really does suit you.

Thank you, Alfred.

There's loads at Tori HQ.

This one used to belong to Michael Gove.

Was a tight fit until I went on the Azempic.

But soon, the crap crusader must face the Joker.

You're insane.

Crazy.

Totally, utterly, insanely insane.

I know!

In fact, I am totes batshit.

Unvary much intended.

What do you want of me, you fiend?

Uh, duh!

You've got just three hours to save the Tory Party or I join reform.

But that means, uh, yeah, the entire country will end up laughing themselves to death.

I know!

Coming up later on BBC One, dawn French stars as the Vicar of Gaza.

Okay, then, everyone,

let's just call the parish meeting to order, shall we?

This week, I thought I'd like to make a little film, just a little film of little old me outlining my thoughts on Israel and Palestine, and then I thought I'd pop it onto social media.

Those in favour?

Jim?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, because the internet is no place for nuance?

Yes.

Before all that, now on BBC One, it's time for the last in the series of Doctor Who.

Yes, it's still going.

I was surprised too.

Hey, Commander Stewart, what's going going down, babes?

Doctor, thank God you're here.

There's a CGI monster from another dimension destroying a whole of London.

Again, plenty of time for that.

Give me a hug.

Hug?

Sure, I've got to hug everybody in this room because that's the kind of woke, touchy-feely doctor I am now.

Can't leave any minority behind.

Okay, wheelchair-bound lady, give me a hug.

Ethnic man, here comes a hug.

Trans person, it's hugging time.

Gay robot, you is in for one heck of a hug.

Show me the loving.

I have you now, doctor.

I warned you, the CGI monster's broken in.

And here's what you have to do to beat it, Kate, babes.

Simply tell me that I'm wonderful and how I'm the most amazing person in the universe.

Doctor, do you think lazily written mawkishness is really going to scare me?

Let's see, monster babes.

Kate?

Uh, oh, uh,

you, you, uh, you lift everyone up by your example, doctor.

Can't frighten us of your empty blooded jewels.

It's working.

The power of unearned sentimentality in the script is poisoned to it.

More!

Oh, oh,

you, you may not have a family, doctor, but we humans are all your children.

Oh, no, please, please don't say it.

Because Doctor, it's not the family you're born into which matters.

It's the one you find along the way.

God, it worked!

It just died of cringe.

Later, I'm off to regenerate into Billy Piper for clicks.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed-from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg.

It's Sunday, it's 9am.

So why aren't you asleep?

You're still drunk.

More than 300 civil servants at the Foreign Office who raised concerns about the UK government's policy on the Gaza crisis have been told if they disagree with it, they should simply resign.

David Lammy joins us now.

It's an extraordinary thing to say, isn't it, Foreign Secretary?

Well, no, not really, Laura, because you see, as Foreign Secretary...

David, David, this is your inner monologue here, David.

You're currently being interviewed on live TV, so I'm just popping into your head to remind you not to say anything stupid.

I agree with government policy.

Right, and what is the government's policy?

Look, let me be clear.

David, David!

It's your inner monologue again.

Be careful.

You're never clear, so it's silly to say that you want to be

under this prime minister no David don't do a lammy you're going to mess up and put your lammy in it

under this prime minister you just said that you're such a lammy

could you get to the point please foreign secretary look the point is what's important we should have more sanctions against israel are you sure

no wait the point is reviving the two-state solution.

You're about to drop a lammy.

No, wait.

We should be continuing to sell arms to Israel.

You're lamying this right up.

Give Gaza to Vladimir Putin, give Gibraltar to Netanyahu.

Lammy!

Shut up!

Are you alright, Foreign Secretary?

What are you doing now?

I'm writing my resignation letter as I disagree with David Lamy, who disagrees with me, David Lammy, who disagrees with David Lamy on the policy.

Oh, what an absolute Lammy.

You're listening to the world at one because you hold too high an opinion of yourself to spend your lunch break with colleagues.

Donald Trump has spent the week threatening to deploy Marines to combat the disturbances in Los Angeles.

We can go live to LA now.

Okay, guys, this is your Commander-in-Chief.

You know what to do.

I love working for Donald Trump.

I love working for Donald Trump.

Deploying Marines is not a stunt.

Deploying Marines is not a stunt.

He's our greatest chief by miles.

He's our greatest chief by miles.

Not so worried about the Epstein files.

Not so worried about the Epstein files.

Na-da-da.

up.

Not a dress rehearsal.

Dress rehearsal.

For when?

For when?

Things don't go his way in the midterms.

Things don't go

in the midterms, don't go well for him.

Shut up, losers!

Nuke the immigrants.

Hello, and welcome to The Rest is Politics with me, Alistair Campbell.

And me, Rory Steelet.

Now, we know you're up to your neck in podcasts.

The rest is history, the rest is entertainment, the rest is football, the rest is a specialized tool used to elevate the queue in snooker.

And

you know, we get it.

You're drowning in content.

So why not take a step back, run yourself a bath, take a deep breath.

And relax by listening to us on this political podcast, constantly promoting our other political podcast.

Which, rather than this political discussion podcast, is a political podcast where we podcast political interviews with politicians by podcasting their politics in an interview podcast.

It's a bit like Nick Robinson's political podcast.

Which is a bit like Amil Rajan's new political podcast.

Or Matt Shawley's political podcast.

Or Ian Dale's political podcast.

Or Beth Rigby's political podcast.

Or Beth Rigby, Harriet Harmon, and Ruth Davidson's political podcast.

Or Sophie Ridge's political podcast.

Or Chopper's Politics political podcast.

Or Ed Bolt and George Osborne's political podcast.

Or Robert Peston's Peston's political podcast.

Or Tom Bradby's political podcast.

Or Matt Ford's political podcast.

Or the news agents.

Anyway, that's all the time we have time for this week.

But before we go, let's finish off with some more tedious matey banter as I gently rib you again for going to Eaton.

To which I'll respond for the millionth time with my odd, shrill laugh.

We'll be back after these sponsorship messages.

Farage.

I demand attention wherever I go.

A new fragrance.

Introducing Eau de Farage, my brand new ball spritz.

He means fragrance.

That makes you smell like my personality.

Overwhelming.

With top notes of ashtray and puck carpet.

And a subtle yet lingering bass that's hard to define.

Intolerance.

Intolerance from Oda Farage.

Squirt it on your ghoulies and just like me, you'll turn heads.

And stomachs.

Well, better to smell like a weather spinster than a Frenchman.

Am I right?

Hi, I'm Kelly Cates, new match of the day presenter, making insecure men nervous because I'm a woman who knows about football.

So we're here in the tunnel after England's 3-1 loss to Senegal, this hot on the heels of just scraping past Loliandora, despite three of their players being goats.

Harry Kane, you must be gutted.

Ah, no,

I'm very excited, actually.

How so, Harry?

Well, because now we know that Thomas Tuchel is the right man to take this incredibly talented squad from the best football league in the world and, you know, mould us into something really terrible.

But I think they're meant to do the opposite.

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, dear.

Oh, Kelly, that is not how English football works.

Garrison Southgate struggled to make us crap, but he got there in the end.

Sen Jordan Erickson, Toby Ocapolo, Roy Hodson all brought out the worst in us us so we can embarrass ourselves at the highest level.

And now Thomas Tuchel has proved he's the man for the job.

Thank you, Harry Keynes.

Cheers, Curly.

Oh, and

congrats on the new match of the day, gig.

You know,

moving in and occupying Gary Lineke's home when he was busy annoying the BBC by banging on about Israel.

Oh, he goes,

that's got to be a dream come true right there.

Hello there, well, I am Gary Ledicker, Mick Lynch for Centrist Dads.

And welcome to Not Match of the Day, my new podcast where I use my freedom from BBC guidelines to finally say whatever I damn well please.

Doctor Who is rubbish and big up Hamas.

Me and my guests are going to be leaving football far behind and giving our outspoken opinion on all the thorny political issues of the day.

Isn't that right, Rio?

Oh, 1,000%, Gary.

So let's talk about euthanasia.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He plays for Shaktar Donetsk, doesn't he?

No, Rio.

It's whether or not terminally ill or in-pain people should be allowed to kill themselves with the assistance of doctors.

Oh, I don't know if we should talk about that, Gary.

That's a dicey area.

Well, yeah, that's the point.

I'm now free to talk about difficult stuff as much as I like.

Tell you what, let's welcome my second guest, the renowned feminist and cultural commentator, Jermaine Greer.

Well, I want to use this opportunity to speak about the grotesque distortion of free speech policies at British universities due to the rampant power of militant transgenderism.

Rio, your thoughts?

I'm scared, Gary

I actually have a bone to pick with you, Mr Lineker.

You like to portray yourself as this great hero of the progressive left, and yet I've never once heard you say anything of note on trans women in sport.

So what are your views on that subject?

Well, that's all we've got time for.

Hello and welcome to Peston.

If ITV were not required by law to have current affair shows, I'd be a hairdresser in Chorley Wood.

Sir Keir Starbert joins me now.

It's lovely to be next to someone who makes me sound normal, Robert.

Analysts say your free school meals program should help to lift tens of thousands of children out of a life of poverty.

That's right.

I'm just lovely.

Yet you're also throwing people off pip and keeping the child benefit cap, which analysts say condemns tens of thousands of other children into a life of poverty.

Seems a bit of a contradiction.

Not at all, Robert.

Yes, I want to lift children out of poverty, but where's the challenge in just doing that?

Where's the thrill?

I crave edge-of-the-seat excitement.

Will the little kiddies be poor or rich?

It's like those saw movies, and I'm the puppet master jigsaw, but with fewer tripwires and more turkey twizzlers.

But surely.

My dad was a tripwire, my mother was a turkey twizzler.

So, are you you saying you want it to be fiendishly challenging for you to lift children out of poverty?

Precisely.

I'm the kind of guy who likes to make things harder for myself.

I live my life like a gladiator, Robert.

Would you like to know my gladiator name?

Not really.

It's Hovis Thick Sliced.

I live life in the fast lane, Robert.

For instance, when I have dinner, I take all the labels off my tins.

I just open two tins at random, and that's what I eat.

Do you want to know what I had for dinner last night?

No, ambrosia creamed rice and swarfega.

Just give me a thing to do that's difficult, and I'll do it.

Okay, how about Counterfarage's far-right dog whistle politics by making a positive case for how immigration has benefited Britain?

Bugger that, I'm not completely suicidal, Robert.

After living for nearly 100 years on this planet,

I now know that perhaps the single most destructive force in the entire ocean is the bottom-trawling fishing boat,

eviscerating marine life, treding up all sorts of low-value bottom-feeding organisms like algae, flatworms.

Well, well, well, if it in the king of the woke brigade, Sir David Attenborough.

And Lee Anderson.

This is another of your whingy little climate hoax documentaries for lesbians and cooks, is it?

Of course, to the fishermen operating these boats, such creatures are entirely worthless.

Hey, soy boy, I'm talking to you.

You're going to get me out of this net or what?

And so, inevitably, they get thrown back into the darkest depths of the ocean.

What a a lefty-libtod rubbish.

Back where they belong.

The little shits.

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

I'm Chris Mason, and you're listening to Newscast.

A bit like the news, just longer and therefore much worse.

Today, I'm joined for a far-reaching, aka boring interview by the Leader of the Opposition, Kemi Badenock.

Yes, you are.

That's right.

Right.

Miss Badenock, you've got a tough job on your hands.

Just how do you differentiate yourself from your party's previous disastrous leaders?

Well, look, Chris, after years of Boris and Truss, voters are fed up of their leaders just saying weird stuff out loud without thinking.

So my new approach is to take my time, consider things fully, and then say weird stuff out loud.

You'll have noticed that I'm very much a low energy weirdo.

Now, just spitballing here, but have you thought about not being weird?

I will not be abandoning traditional Tory values.

Oh, oh, hold on a minute.

Ah, yes, that brings me to my next question.

Why have you brought in a toaster?

Because I'm weird.

And look, my toasted eggs are ready.

You see, Chris, voters are fed up of Tory leaders who seem like the loud weirdo you get stuck with at a dinner party.

Whereas you're more of a quiet weirdo you get stuck with at a bus stop.

Because you're not invited to the dinner party.

Well, exactly.

I am a different type of weird.

I'm softly spoken and deeply unsettling.

I smell people as they walk past me.

And I throw gravel at swans.

I also keep a snake in my bra.

And weirdest of all, I carry a briefcase.

I mean, carrying a briefcase isn't the weirdest one.

It is when it's full of cat litter.

Let me babe do not thank you.

Yes, that's right.

Dared Ringos was performed by Jan Ravens, John Colshaw, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisby, and Kieran Hodgson.

It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howe, Edward Chu, Tom Colbs, Rob Darr, Sophie Dixon, Tucson Douglas, and John Holmes.

Additional material by Nikki Roberts, Jennifer Walker, Phoebe Butler, Rachel E.

Thorpe, Davina Bentley, and David Whitehead.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Dead Ringers was created by Bill Dare, and the producer was John Holmes.

Hello, Greg Jenner here.

I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4.

We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it.

And we're back for a brand new series, Series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things: from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France.

We are looking at the arts and craft movement and the life of Sajerna Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age.

Loads of different stuff.

It's a fantastic series.

It's funny.

We get great historians.

We get great comedians.

So if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of Your Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Sups!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.