Dead Ringers: Ep2. De-escalation and nuclear proliferation

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BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Shut up, losers.

The Donald is talking now.

So, as Israel and Iran take us to the brink of World War III, I just want to make it very clear this would never have happened if Donald Trump was president.

But I know what you're asking.

Why haven't I personally killed the Ayatoll Bridge yet?

He's the boss of Iran.

Big country.

Bad country, not a good country.

But I did some more digging into this Iran.

Big place.

Not new.

Used to be called Persia.

Persia.

They named it after a rug, I think.

It's

Anyway, it turns out these guys got some ideas, and they're not half bad.

The way they handle protests, handle women.

Seriously, everyone's telling me we've got to destroy Iran, rebuild their values.

But these guys already have my values.

They got more of my values than my values do.

So maybe I'll join in the war after all to go get my values back.

I may do it.

I may not.

Dead Ringer.

ringers.

Welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg.

My guest this morning is the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves.

Chancellor, before we discuss the current economic picture, can I ambush you with some questions about the situation between Israel and Iran?

Certainly, Laura.

We are calling for de-escalation.

It's the opposite of escalation.

Yet you're sending typhoon jets and air-to-air refuelers.

Well, let me put it like this, Laura.

In a shopping centre, there's the up-escalator.

Then there's the one that you go down.

It's called the downscalator.

And that's what we're calling for here, the downscalation of the situation.

And yes.

Think of a kettle, Laura.

A kettle that's all scaled up.

What we're calling for is the descaling of the kettle.

And we're only sending jets into the kettle in order to de-scale it.

But the British government continually sells arms to Israel which it's using to scale up tensions in the region.

Not at all Laura.

Think of a fish.

The arrangement of scales on a fish is called the scalation.

And we're calling for the opposite of that.

What we want to see and what the Prime Minister has been clear about and what he's calling for and what the government's calling for and what it wants to see is very much the opposite of a fish.

And just so we are clear, you're sending jets into the region to oppose the fish.

Yes.

And the fish is Iran.

I'm de-escalating this interview.

You're watching Sky.

Time now for Ross Kemp on grooming gangs.

Now hold on, I know what you're thinking.

Ross Kemp on gangs, isn't that from 20 years ago?

Well, it turns out some things can go on for decades without anyone caring about them or knowing it's still going on.

Like grooming kids or this program.

I've come to Rotherham.

And first up, I wanted to know how the gang had managed to fly under the radar for so many years.

How did this happen?

Hello, I'm a social worker who's scared of inflaming community tensions.

And I'm a police officer who won't follow up complaints because I don't want to be accused of racism.

Shocking.

But how did these gangs operate for so long without anyone doing anything?

Who turns a blind eye?

Jeff Phillips!

Mr.

Speaker, the word grooming is a racist dog whistle, and anyone who thinks otherwise is endorsing the far right.

Prime Minister!

We don't need a national inquiry.

Nigel France!

We're starting to look threatening to Labour.

We do need a national inquiry.

This Labour gang are genuinely one of the worst.

There was only one thing for it: get the train back to London and ignore the problem along with the rest of the media.

You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Clive Myrie.

I see your wife has perked up.

This week, leaders of the G7 countries have been meeting in Canada.

Let's find out the latest from the BBC's political editor, Chris Mason.

Chris, what can you tell us?

Well, that's a good question, Clive, and it's a question that's difficult to answer, as are all questions when put to me, as I tend to answer every question with another question which begs the question do we ever get nearer to the answers

or do we

so you can't tell us anything about the G7 summit despite having been there this week that's the question on everybody's lips here in Canada Clive well in other political news Chris there are reports that senior bosses here at the BBC are drawing up a plan to make news content more reform voter friendly.

What can you tell us about that?

What can I tell you about that?

That is my question.

And you'd like me to answer it?

If at all possible?

Well, as you know, Clive, for a century, the BBC has had a reputation for always being totally and utterly impartial in a way that slightly favours the Tories.

Well, at last, an answer without a question.

The question is, though,

is pandering to reform

just one of those crazy ideas they have upstairs?

Could it become a reality?

My question to you, Clive, is what do you think?

Well, I think we shall continue to remain a bastion of impartiality.

Chris Mason there.

Let's get the weather now with Lee Anderson.

Thanks, Clive.

Nah, all this lefty sunshine means it's easier for immigrants to get across the channel in their woke boats to invade the country.

And I, for one, am sick to bloody death of it.

I'm Professor Brian Cox and if you thought the painting in Dorian Gray's attic was bad, you should see mine.

Tonight we imagine a very different universe.

Let's travel forward in time to the year 10,000.

Mankind has has journeyed far into the cosmos.

We have colonized Mars.

We are mining rare minerals on Venus and the moon is a popular holiday spot.

Meanwhile, on Earth, it's just been confirmed that yet again HS2 has been delayed

and won't be finished for another three billion years.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Welcome to Newsnight.

I'm Victoria Derbyshire.

I take no prisoners.

That's why there's no prison in the Newsnight studio.

It should be a complete waste of space.

One of the big questions this week, apart from why is Newsnight nowhere near as good as it used to be,

is whether or not Iran does have nuclear weapons.

Israel claims it does, and I'm joined now by their new chief investigator.

Yep, hello there, Victoria.

You know, it really is so great to be with you.

Hang on a minute.

Yep, that's right.

It's me, Tony.

The Blair Witch Project.

As in, which current international project shall I stick my oar into next?

You're Israel's weapons investigator.

Well, you know, it's not like I don't have experience.

Honestly, the words weapons of mass destruction had barely left Benjamin Netanyahu's lips and Alastair Campbell and I were on the first flight to Tel Aviv.

So you're saying you've seen proof that Iran does have nuclear weapons?

Oh yeah, you know, absolutely.

Where are they?

Well, where aren't they, more like.

They're all over the place, lying on the floor, falling off shelves.

I think I even saw an Iranian man carrying one on the bus on the way to work.

So you've actually been on the ground in Iran collecting intelligence?

Well, of course not.

I'm relying on unsubstantiated evidence as usual.

Although I do have a reliable contact feeding me the information.

Hey there, Tony Bear.

I found some weapons of mass destruction over here in this Tupperware container.

Taste of hummus and carrot cake.

Hey, that's my packed lunch.

Oh, crap, whatever.

Let's bomb her on.

Tony Blair, thank you.

Nod of head, hand gesture, shit-eating green for old time's sake.

You're listening to LBC, which means you're either at your mum's or in the back of a cab pretending to be on your phone so that the driver doesn't speak to you.

We're back now with James O'Brien.

Okay, so we've established that Gary from Ryslip doesn't know what he's talking about.

Shame it took him so long to work it out.

Now here's Kerry with the weather.

Thanks, James.

Things are looking up because there's going to be a scorcher of a heat wave this week with temperatures reaching.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there, there Kerry oh dear Kerry you said that things are looking up definitely your words Kerry those were your words things are looking up

yeah but James no no Kerry never interrupt the sigh

the world weary sigh of the everyman the James O'Brien sigh like a bat signal for centrist dads

can I just finish the weather?

Help me along here Kerry.

In what way does the absence of life-giving water falling from the heavens mean that things are, and again, these are your words, looking up?

Can I just finish the forecast?

I've got a tea in the microwave.

Kerry, let me just bury my head in my hands for the benefit of anyone watching this on YouTube.

Hello.

Kerry, please help me and the listeners understand how, after enduring the hell of Brexit, a blazing sun transforming this country into a barren, featureless desert is a cause for celebration.

Fine, whatever.

I hope it rains.

Happy?

I'm never happy, Kerry, and I'm going to tug at my beard some more to prove it.

Right.

Fine, do the bloody weather yourself.

Kerry's gone away now to think about what she's just said and how she's been wrong about everything all those years while I, James O'Brien, am 100% right 300% of the time.

You're listening to today with Emma Barnett in the studio and Nick Robinson in the cupboard where I've tied him up and left him.

Israel has said this week that Iran bombing its hospitals, infrastructure, and innocent citizens, has crossed a red line.

Sorry, that wasn't a missile.

That was the world's irony meter exploding.

This is today with Emma Barnett and Nick Robinson having escaped from the cupboard.

With the Middle East plunged into conflict and the world teetering on the brink of World War III, who else will we be crossing to but the BBC's chief misery correspondent, Lise Dusset?

It's wonderful to be with you, Nick.

But I should point out, I no longer work for the BBC.

What?

Oh no, not you too.

In the last few years, so many brilliant journalists have gone.

And John Sopal.

The podcast is it, Lise, for a change?

No, no, Nick.

In fact, I've landed a gig as the fifth horseman of the apocalypse.

I'm sorry, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse?

Correct.

Death, famine, war, pestilence, and least doucet.

I have to ask why.

Well, why do you think recently the poor horsemen have been rushed off their feet?

War hasn't had a day off since January and was feeling totally burnt out.

Famine is working flat out in Gaza, death's at his own door, door, and pestilence is suffering from long COVID.

Anyway, in a nutshell, they desperately needed help, so here I am.

So you're enjoying the kick?

Well, Nick, it's an endless cavalcade of despair, of thwarted lives lived in excruciating pain, of misery heaped upon misery, and all is putrid and rotten.

So not that different from being on staff at the the BBC.

Pretty much, though.

The coffee here is much better.

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I'm Lynn Washington, the host of KQED's Snap Judgment podcast.

And at Snap, we don't just tell stories, we live them.

Every week, a different journey, like on a plane with Rihanna.

a racetrack in Tijuana, a year inside an Oakland homeless encampment, real people, real voices with original music and cinematic sound.

Snap Judgment from KQED, new episodes every Thursday, wherever you get your podcast.

The Foreign Secretary David Lamy is giving a press conference on the developing conflict between Iran and Israel.

Good afternoon.

Over the last few days, the conflict in the Middle East has intensified.

So as the UK's Foreign Secretary...

David, David, it's me, you're in a monologue.

The whole world is watching your press conference with bated breath to see what you're going to do about the Iran-Israel conflict.

I want to be clear.

But remember, whatever you do, steer clear of trying to be clear because every time you try to be clear, the only thing that ends up being clear is that you never are

I want to be clear no you don't

as foreign secretary I have already taken firm action and ordered that's it David be bold a very firm but not too bold you don't want to start a war with Iran mattress

bolder than that

and my message to Iran is clear.

If you threaten the UK...

Yes, that's it.

Be masterful.

I will respond with a firm

spanking.

Lammy.

Sorry.

You're lammying this up again.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say is that the British government urges.

Okay, we're going to leave that press conference with the Foreign Secretary there.

What a total lammy.

I mean the weather's fantastic innovative I'm Rylan and I'm with you on BBC Radio 2

Ken Bruce is dead to us

and who am I welcoming onto my show only my bestie Stacey Solomon are you all right babes oh yeah you all right babes I'm all right babes are you all right babes oh yeah I'm all right babes are you all right babes I'm all right are you all right I'm all right babes

Yeah, bless you babes.

I am champing at the bit.

I'm so excited.

Oh yeah.

Because

little babes

tells me

that you've got a new podcast.

What?

No, babes.

No, no, no.

No, I'm flat out.

I'm stretched to the limit.

I've got my sort your life out tele show.

I've got my reality show.

I'm not doing a new podcast at the moment.

Hang on, babes.

Are you alright?

Your face has got a funny colour.

Well, a different funny colour than it usually is.

I'll tell you what, babes.

What's the matter, babes?

You're freaking me out.

I have a guest, a mate, who doesn't have a new podcast.

Oh, God.

I'm scared, babes.

Oh, God, me too, babes.

Is there anything you can do?

Oh, hang on.

Look on that wall there.

Oh, yeah.

That emergency box.

What's it say?

What's it say?

In case of your guests not having a podcast, break glass.

Right.

What have we got to lose?

Nothing.

Hello, I'm Natalie Cassidy, aka Sonia from EastEnders.

Which of my new podcasts should we have a natter about?

The nature one, the acting one, the tele one, or the one with me generally being a bit of a tit?

For you,

we are staves.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, God, that was such a scary moment.

We should do a podcast about it.

Top spaves, I'll call BBC Sounds.

Salty.

Hello, I'm Anita Rani, and you're listening to Woman's Hour.

Yes, it's 10 o'clock already, and so far today, you've achieved precisely nothing.

This week, you'll have seen the news that MI6 has appointed Blaise Metro Welly as its first female chief in its 116-year history.

But it's an appointment not without its critics.

It's bloody claptrap, is what it is.

Lee Anderson joins me.

Mr.

Anderson, what's your issue with Ms.

Metrowelli?

It's diversity gone mad, isn't it?

Well, not really.

Blaise Metrowelli is extremely accomplished and experienced.

Oh, wake up and smell the oil of Ole, Anita.

She's only been promoted because she's a woman.

And everyone knows a woman can't possibly handle being the chief spy.

Honestly, we'll all be speaking German within a week.

That's completely inaccurate.

I beg to differ, love.

In fact, according to a survey, 100% of Brits think it should be a man.

What survey?

My survey, this is.

I were down at Spoonies last night and I popped into the gents for a tactical was and the bloke next to me were quite clear.

It's just more of this lefty liberal wokery.

As if a woman has the tactical brain necessary to stave off an attack from ISIS.

Come on, love.

Okay, this isn't a serious conversation.

This couldn't be more serious, Anita.

We're talking about putting a woman in charge of national security.

I mean, how will she be able to tell where the baddies are when she can't even read a map?

Mr.

Anderson,

men like you are.

What happens if there are baddies firing guns or something?

Everyone knows loud noises startle women.

She'll go cantering off and some poor bloke will have to go calm her down with a polo mint.

Right.

But now you're just confusing women with horses.

And I tell you what, I'd feel a hell of a lot safer with a horse in charge of MI6 than a woman.

And on that unbelievably offensive note.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

If this diversity nonsense didn't exist, the BBC would have been able to hire proper male presenters to host Woman's Hour.

Women's Hour is a show for women.

Exactly.

And that's why men don't want to listen to it, love.

Here, let me show you how it should sound.

Coming up on Woman's Hour today with me, Lee Anderson.

What's the best gift to buy your wife right after she gives birth?

Liposuction or a boob job.

See?

See?

Much better.

BBC Radio 5 Live, the voice of the UK.

Adrian Childs.

Yes, yes, it's me, the man who doesn't so much say words as masticate them.

We're going to cross over live now to a press conference by the Leader of the Opposition,

Kenny Baknock.

Yes,

that's right.

I will commence the speaking after I have groomed my woodpecker.

This is not a euphemism.

I am actually grooming a woodpecker because I am weird.

Yes, that's right.

Question.

Beth Rigby, Sky News.

Miss Spadenock, you have been campaigning on the grooming gang since you became Tory leader.

Are you pleased that your views are now widely shared across the political spectrum?

No, I have no wish to hold mainstream opinions because I am a low-energy weirdo.

Yes, that's right.

I make my cat eat with a knife and fork.

And I once filed a noise complaint against the moon.

Next question.

Robert Peston, ITV.

Miss Baknock, if you don't wish to be in the mainstream, where do you see yourself?

That's right, Robert.

Yes, I don't want the man in the street to relate to me

or my woodpecker at all.

Which is why my policies are putting VAT on earwax and making rectangles illegal.

I also use a sausage as a bookmark.

This press conference has now concluded, so I will stand completely still and stare at my woodpecker until you have all left the room.

Robert Peterson again.

We can all see that you don't actually have a woodpecker, Miss Badenock.

It's just you doing the squawking noise.

I think our viewers will want to know why.

Because it's my woodpecker's day off.

You're a weirdo.

That's right, yes.

No, no, no, be quiet.

Big Niger speaking.

I am here to talk to you today about the Casey report into grooming gangs and her recommendation that we should collect ethnicity data.

And to that I say, catch up love, I've been collecting ethnicity data for years.

I can tell you this, every time I see someone foreign looking doing something foreign seeming,

I jot it down in my little book, oh science.

It's critical info.

It all started down my local pub, the dog and goose, stab.

My motto down weatherspoons, well, it's simple.

If they're more colourful than the carpet, they're going in the book.

Then Earth,

why just restrict it to that?

Why not work out which ones take the longest at the cash machine?

Which ones are wearing slippers outside?

Which ones are ordering coronation chicken sandwiches?

Tell you what, you can use the word coronation all you like, mate, but it's still got curry powder in it.

And as for these accusations of racism, come on, I've said it once, I'll say it again.

Data can't be racist.

Right, so that's it from me.

I'm off to put my feet up, pop the telly on, and keep a tab of how many commercials contain mixed-race relationships.

Goodbye.

Right, you're watching ITV News with me, Tom Bradby.

Sure, I'm friends with Prince Harry, but it's no biggie.

The government has said they are committed to pushing their reforms of the benefit system through Parliament, which means cuts to the personal independence payment.

Liz Kendall, the work and pension secretary, joins me now.

The truth is, these cuts are going to impact a lot of disabled people, aren't they, Minister?

Not at all.

No, it's so important that we listen to disabled people.

And you know, Tom, I speak to disabled people all the time and they're very clear.

About what?

About whatever it is they say when I speak to them and

I do speak to them all the time.

Yes, I think our viewers would like to know who is it you're actually speaking to.

Well for instance, today I spoke to a lovely young man named Tim whose mobility is severely impaired.

He walks with a crutch, his limbs supported by an iron frame.

Okay.

Well now he's come off benefits.

He's got a job delivering turkeys and only yesterday he wished me a Merry Christmas and added, God bless us everyone.

Miss Kendall, are you talking about the fictional Dickens character Tiny Tim?

I speak to all sorts of disabled people.

Today I spoke to an incredibly impressive man, an expert in genetics, who's suffered a tragic accident and is paralyzed from the waist down, uses a wheelchair.

I see.

But he wants to come off benefits and get work, so he's opened a school for gifted youngsters and uses his telepathic powers to defeat evil villains who want to take over the world.

That's clearly Professor Xavier from the X-Men.

And last week, I spoke to a wonderfully talented composer with physical facial disfigurement, but with reasonable adjustments and the right support, he now works in an opera house.

That's a phantom of the opera, is

that's offensive, Tom.

He may have a disability, but he's not a ghost.

Minister, have you spoken to any actual disabled people?

No.

Miss Kendall, thank you.

From writer Richard Curtis comes the story of another improbable romance between an awkward, bungling Englishman and an incredibly famous American.

Oh gosh, you've dropped your papers.

Whoopsie daisies.

They're going everywhere.

Let me get them for you.

Hello.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

You're a waiter or something, right?

No, no, I'm the British Prime Minister, Sakir Starmer.

We've been in a meeting together for the last four hours.

Right, right.

Well, I have to leave here now, but I'll never forget what a great bartender you are.

But will that romance survive their many differences?

I'm also just a boy.

Standing in front of someone I can bully relentlessly.

Forcing him to sign a hastily written tariff agreement.

You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

Keir, actually.

Coming soon to a theater of war near you.

Dared Ringers was performed by Jan Ravens, John Colshaw, Jess Robinson, Lewis McLeod, Duncan Wisby, and Kieran Hodgson.

It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Tom Cole, Sophie Dixon, Tucson Douglas, Rob Darr, Cody Dahler, and John Holmes.

Additional material was written by Davina Bentley, Katie Sayer, Alice Bright, Chris Donovan.

It was a BBC Studios audio production.

Dared Ringers was created by Bill Dare and the producer was John Holmes.

Hello, Greg Jenner here.

I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4.

We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it.

And we're back for a brand new series, Series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France.

We are looking at the arts and crafts movement and the life of Sajourna Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age.

Loads of different stuff.

It's a fantastic series.

It's funny.

We get great historians, we get great comedians.

So, if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.

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