The Naked Week: Ep4. Performing, Potholes, and Paddington.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray and welcome to The Naked Week.

Imagine the news quiz after 10,000 staff had been cut to save costs.

This week, Donald Trump finds his NATO membership card down the back of the White House sofa.

I think we probably won't be using it very much.

And as always, both the spring statement and opposition response were sentence after sentence of tedious spin.

To keep themselves awake, Rachel Reeves and Mel Stride had a competition about who could say the word headroom the most times per minute.

The headroom left by the previous government.

All of her fiscal headroom disappeared.

Providing headroom of 15.1 billion pounds what provision has she made in her headroom when i was left with a slither of headroom with a slither of headroom okay you're very good at that let's make it harder let's try twice in a sentence when i've been tested with a deterioration in the headroom we have restored that headroom she left way too little headroom way too little headroom and he says that it's a slither of a headroom well it's 50 percent more headroom than i inherited

Guys, guys,

get a headroom.

So, this week, we...

Oh, hang on.

Sorry.

Just got a message.

Oh, it looks like I've accidentally been added to the Radio 4 group chat.

Let's bomb Radio 2.

Then there's a punching fist emoji, the Radio 4 logo, and an aubergine, which I think means they're going to strike during drive time with Sarah Cox.

It's awkward.

Well, anyway, we'll just.

Oh, sorry.

It seems I've now been accidentally added to the U.S.

National Security Service Group.

What are the odds?

Oh, hang on.

No, it's not defense.

It's just the White House Neighborhood Group chat.

This is a message from J.D.

Vance.

He says, which bins is it this week?

And then he's written, I hate bailing out recycling.

It's pathetic.

Oh, here's U.S.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth complaining about Houthi rebels hanging around drinking cider in the bus shelter.

Classic neighbour chat.

They've accidentally added Keir Starmer, and he, Segway Ahoy, is complaining about potholes.

There are far too many of them.

Yes, while Trump's national security advisor was digging himself an embarrassing journalist-in-the-chat-shaped hole, both on the other side of the Atlantic and in the Atlantic, Holes were also a big talking point over here this week, as in a cynical move to sugar the pill of encroaching austerity, the government announced on Monday that they would be fixing the nation's potholes, presumably with a coalition of the filling.

I'm staggered that that got that reaction, I'll be honest.

Now, of course, Labour have been whole-obsessed since they took power.

First, the noted son of a toolmaker wouldn't stop banging on about this.

The £22 billion black hole.

And now this week, with tools very much in mind, he's announced.

The allocation of a record amount of money for filling in potholes, which is.

No, Keir.

It's got nothing to do with witches.

Unless, of course, you count the famous one at Wookiee Hole.

Carry on.

I hope really welcome news.

Oh, it is, Keir.

It is welcome news.

Just like it was every other time you and your prime ministerial ilk have promised to sort them out.

It's very funny, isn't it?

It does seem as if every time there's a bit of bad financial news or, heaven forfend, local elections just around the corner, the then leader pops up to talk about potholes.

Here is Rishi Sunak.

Mr.

Speaker, I'm proud that we've announced an additional £8 billion for roads resurfacing.

That will mean fewer potholes.

Fewer potholes.

Brilliant.

He promised.

Just as David Cameron did.

And what we need is the potholes mended.

So the government stepped in with a £200 million fund.

So they are going to get done.

Great, great.

You hear that, everyone?

They are going to get done.

Not sure when that clip was from, 11 years ago.

But it's not just prime ministers who prattle on about potholes around local election time.

It's also people who want to be prime minister but never will be.

Isn't that right, Ed Davy?

300 million so we can really deal with the potholes, which are such a menace.

Oh, such a menace, especially, especially when you're doing wheelies on a quad bike to try and win over floating voters in Digcott and Wantage.

Isn't that right, Ed?

Anyway, for some reason, Rachel Reeves,

Keir Starmer chose this week to pledge £1.6 billion to help fix the pothole pandemic.

And joining me now is The Naked Week's hopeless ploy to try to curry favour with the public correspondent, Anya Magliano.

Anya, £1.6 billion does sound like a lot.

It certainly does on the surface, but of course, you won't be surprised to learn that that surface, like Starmer's pledge, is cracked, broken, and full of...

Holes?

I was going to say shit.

Oh.

Plus sir change.

Pardon my French.

So he promised $1.6 billion this week, including an extra 500 million of funding to councils who can prove they're tackling the issue via a checkable league table of holes.

So it's kind of like Grinder, but for tarmac.

So repairing pothole league table.

Let's call it patch of the day.

I know.

I know.

And I'd like to remind you the tickets to this show were free.

But surely, with this bounty of riches, the nation will soon be whole-free in less time than it takes to say cynical attempt to distract the electorate?

Yes, except that this week it was reported that the estimated budget needed to tackle the crisis would be somewhere in the region of 17 billion.

And what Starma's actually offering is less than 10% of that.

It's a bit like claiming you're really, really serious about tackling the pile of washing up by committing to rinsing a single teaspoon.

By 2029.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, that said, after Trump's 25% tariff announcement, potholes are now no longer the biggest wrecker of British cars.

That's good news.

But is the point that councils can't keep up?

As soon as one is filled, another one opens.

Yeah, exactly.

In fact, as I was speaking then, one has just opened up under the desk here.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, just there.

Look.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, that certainly wasn't there when we started the show.

That is huge.

How fortuitous

that a pothole has opened up in a piece we're doing on potholes.

We now have our very own Naked Week pothole.

I'm going in.

What?

Anya, no.

You don't know what's down there.

She's doing it.

Anya has descended under the desk.

Are you down there?

Yeah, it's quite dark down here in the pothole.

This is an exclusive live report now from inside one of the nation's newest potholes.

Anya, what can you see?

Now I'm down here, Andy.

I'm not sure it actually is a pothole.

What I think the Naked Week has literally stumbled into is the hole where Labour buries bad news.

Oh!

What's in there?

There's loads of old broken manifesto pledges, the fossilized remains of Labour's green investment policy, a rotting net with zero written on it,

a forgotten compensation scheme for WASPI women.

Do you think you'll be able to find your way out?

Yeah, well, I've just found Rachel Reeves's moral compass down here, so I'm not.

I'm just going to give that a go.

I'll hang on, it's skewing to the right.

And you're magnetic about the Naked Week brand new, brand new pothole, pothole correspondent.

Now, amid all the world's noise, it's time once again to invite your ears to go for a quiet stroll in the Naked Week's relaxing garden of current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in haikus.

Reeves' spring statement even brought cuts to haikus.

So this line won't.

The news in haikus.

Now, something else that you may have seen this week: a judge who sentenced two vandals for destroying a Paddington Bear statue in Newbury said this, as reported by the BBC's South Today programme.

He said the men's actions were the antithesis of everything Paddington stands for.

Yeah.

The antithesis of everything Paddington stands for.

Quite right, too.

Let's just remind ourselves of Paddington in action.

Why do you have to come crashing in here like a natural disaster?

Marmalade.

Oh dear.

In all honesty, it sounds to me like the vandals were inspired by Paddington.

He is the real criminal here.

Paddington Bear, the hairy Andrew Tate of residential vandalism.

And he's an illegal immigrant.

Plus, I think we all know what Mr.

Brown is code for, you duffle-coated smack dealer.

Lock him up!

You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when Keir Starmer told the New York Times that he likes and respects Donald Trump.

And speaking of shamelessly lapping up your own sick, it's now time

for another look at some dogs, specifically the Westminster Watch variety.

I am joined once again by Tortoise Media's political editor, Kat Nealon.

Kat, we have been at this for four weeks now.

Surely we are running out of orphaned little regulatory puppies.

Actually, Andy, this week I want to tell you a story about parliamentary passes.

Anyone who was an MP for six years or more can have one.

So, just to clarify, even if the country has voted an MP out of parliament, they can still get one of these cards and keep appearing on the premises.

Yes, exactly.

They are all about access.

A parliamentary pass gives you access to the parliamentary estate, access to the people currently working there, and even access to a range of succulent taxpayer-funded meals.

Okay.

So, not only are we paying for current MPs' food, we are also paying for former parliamentarians.

Yeah, hypothetically, if, say, the former Tory Minister for Implausible Hare, Michael Fabrikant, decided to park himself in a corner of the Commons dining room and spend an afternoon taking that hair off and mopping up gravy with it, we'd all be funding that.

Wow.

I mean, firstly, what a haunting tableau.

And secondly, there must be some strings attached to these passes.

Are there any do's and don'ts?

Some very unambiguous don'ts.

Among other things, the House of Commons Code of Conduct states that former members may not use their privileged parliamentary passes for the purposes of lobbying on the parliamentary estate.

Okay, so no running, no bombing, no heavy petting, absolutely no lobbying.

Who enforces this code of conduct?

Initially, it's the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards.

Okay, I knew it.

A watchdog.

There's always a watchdog.

Yeah, but the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards is literally just one bloke.

Okay, but there is this one bloke.

He's there patrolling the corridors of Westminster in his dog costume.

I don't think he's wearing an actual dog costume.

Well, I don't think we know for sure he isn't, so let's assume he is.

So his job is to sniff around Parliament, ensuring everyone everyone is keeping to the code of conduct.

Something like that.

However, the Naked Week sent a Freedom of Information request to the House of Commons asking for a list of all former MPs who have used their parliamentary past since the last general election.

We analyze this list, and it turns out that at least 87 of those ex-MPs now work as or for consultants or lobbyists.

87.

Just for context, that is the same number of times that Elon Musk has wished to be a real boy.

Now, presumably, we're not saying that all the names on that list have been doing lobbying work in Parliament.

Absolutely not.

Although, one in particular did leap out at us.

Like a man in a dog costume?

No, I D.

His name is Lawrence Robertson.

He's the former Conservative MP for Tewkesbury.

And shortly after he lost his seat last July, he set up his own company called Theok Consultancy.

Witches?

No, it's nothing to do with witches.

Instead, the website says, we connect you with key policy makers in Parliament, Whitehall, and local government.

We help you engage with the right decision makers at the right time to shape policy that impacts your business.

So, shaping policy that impacts your business does sound a lot like lobbying.

And it also boasts about offering direct access to key decision makers with the vision to influence policy.

So, Robertson certainly talks a good game.

What else do we know about?

He's a former trade envoy to Angola, Ethiopia, and Zambia.

So, unsurprisingly, his firm is specifically targeted at Africa-based clients.

And that might explain why, when he was an MP, he asked a lot of questions like this.

But it's not exactly a smoking gun, is it?

He may have just been going into parliament to have dinner with Michael Fabricant's hair.

To be fair, there's no way of checking what anyone with a parliamentary pass actually does on the premises.

Well, then, case dismissed.

Although, we found social media posts from a few months ago showing Lawrence Robertson on the parliamentary estate wearing his pass.

Okay.

And one of those posts includes pictures of Robertson on the Commons Terrace alongside Conservative leader Kemi Badenock and Shadow Foreign Secretary Dame Pretty Patel.

Okay, we have that picture on screen screen here.

Now, not only had I forgotten that Pretty Patel is the Shadow Foreign Secretary, I had also genuinely and happily forgotten Pretty Patel.

So, that's for that.

But, hang on, we still don't know that Lawrence Robertson was engaging in lobbying at this event with Patel and Badenock.

No, we don't.

Great, case dismissed.

Although.

Okay, here we go.

Robertson then reposted the picture of the three of them on his personal LinkedIn account with the following caption.

I was pleased to meet Kemi and Pretty again and to be able to talk about business in Africa.

I'll be taking up this issue with them in the new year.

Okay, granted, that might sound staggeringly similar to lobbying, but what if, and I appreciate this is a long shot, what if by business in Africa, he was actually talking about the song Africa by Toto.

What do you think?

I said it was a long shot, but speaking of Toto, can we please get back to dogs?

This parliamentary

it all fits together.

So

this Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards.

Andy, for the last time, he doesn't dress up as a dog.

We're going to have to agree to disagree on that.

Either way, surely this is the kind of thing that might make his ears prick up.

Here's the thing.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards can't open an investigation into alleged lobbying until either someone complains about it directly to him, or he happens to spot something that he thinks needs investigating.

Interesting.

So if he were to spot a story about a former MP with his own consultancy firm openly talking business in parliament with current lawmakers, possibly in direct contravention of the Commons' code of conduct, and if that appeared on, say, Radio 4's flagship Friday night so-called comedy show,

would he, should he, then open an investigation?

Well, here's what Susan Hawley, executive director of the campaign group Spotlight on Corruption, told The Naked Week.

It is crucial that there is proper scrutiny when former MPs with passes tout access to decision-makers as a way to to win business.

Given the questions raised in this case, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner should review carefully that the passes are not being misused.

And does Lawrence Robertson himself have a perfectly innocent explanation for all this?

Less of an explanation, more a blunt statement.

When we put all of this to him this week, he said: I can confirm that since I left Parliament, I have carried out no lobbying of ministers, MPs, or officials.

It's the antithesis of everything that Paddington stands for.

And here's a quick reminder of what he said about his recent meeting with two very senior Conservative MPs.

I was pleased to meet Kemi and Pretty again and to be able to talk about business in Africa.

It does sound like something that might tickle the tummy of the guy in the dog costume.

Cat,

this is genuinely a Naked Week exclusive, I believe.

Where there are dogs, there are scoops.

Cat Nealon, everybody!

This is The Naked Week on Radio 4, and there's just time to have a quick listen to Donald Trump speaking at an event for Women's History Month.

We're going to have tremendous goodies in the bag for women.

Okay, I mean, the last time I saw someone offering women goodies from a bag was in an educational video about Stranger Danger.

The women, between the fertilization and all of the other things that we're talking about,

it's going to be great.

Yeah, these women are definitely in danger.

Fertilization.

Probably police.

I'll be known as the fertilization president.

And that's all.

We all know what fertilizer is full of, don't we?

So that makes sense.

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Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to equal.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com

Just another message in the U.S.

National Security Neighborhood Group chat.

Please, can people stop parking their tanks on Russia-Ukraine border?

It's becoming a rat run for local residents if you do not have a parking permit your tanks should be in the clearly marked bays in Belarus oh that's you Anya what have you got?

Oh

okay it looks like a two-factor authentication code XZ37A9B.

Oh sorry my mistake Elon Musk has added one of his children to the group chat.

Oh, and it now seems Donald Trump has joined the chat to say, I know nothing about this chat and I wasn't here.

Fertilization, wink face, wink face, egg emoji.

So Wednesday this week was of course the Chancellor's spring statement.

Straight after Prime Minister's questions Rachel came out swinging, displaying all of her trademark dazzling rhetorical verve and panache.

Mr.

Speaker, this Labour government was elected to provide security for working people.

Prosperity.

for working people.

On the side of working people.

And I will always put working people first.

For working people.

Working people.

Working people.

We wipe the slate clean.

It was needed to wipe the slate clean.

We have now wiped the slate clean.

Well we now know about working people and wiping the slate clean and at least I suppose thank God the world isn't changing.

In this changing world.

A changing world.

A changing world.

The world is changing.

In a changing world.

A changing world.

In a world that is changing.

There you go.

A changing world in a world that is changing.

Words that mean absolutely nothing no matter what order you put them in.

See also any Adrian Childs column in The Guardian.

So, what was the end result of all this financial flourishing?

In a nutshell, everyone got even more angry than they were already.

The right claimed the Chancellor was paving the way for a tax hike and a raid on people's ICEs.

The left wailed about another slash to benefits and overseas aid.

And everyone, left, right, economically conservative, free market liberal, or whatever the hell Ed Balls is this week,

all of them pointed to the Office for Budget Responsibility revising expected growth for this year down and growth for future years up as definitive proof that they were right all along.

Because if you so much as glance at the coverage, it turns out that the economy is both recovering and tanking at the same time.

It is Schrödinger's economy.

Alive and dead in Rachel Reeves' red box of fiscal prudence.

In fact, Rachel Reeves felt so harassed by the coverage, she had to go to the Commons Bar and ask for Angela.

Very sadly for Rachel, they sent her Angela Rayna, which must have been disappointing.

But in the avalanche of non-news surrounding the Chancellor's statement, there was one genuinely jaw-dropping story that got completely drowned out by the relentless Westminster squawking of lesser spotted pestons, tufted rigbies, and greater crested Koontzbergs.

I'm joined by our dropped jaw correspondent, Anya Magliano.

Anya, please reattach your mandible and tell us what happened.

Right, so this was a story that slipped out in the run-up to the spring statement when everyone was trying to work out how on earth the Chancellor was going to get all government departments to reduce spending by up to 11%.

And Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson's solution, which she suggested to the Treasury, according to the Times this week, was to axe universal free school meals for infants.

Oh, just like that.

Yep.

Free meals for kids under seven was apparently deemed to be not sufficiently value for money.

Now, there are plenty of things I wouldn't call value for money.

The new Snow White film, train travel, tickets to this recording.

Tickets to this.

They were free.

Yeah, and yet somehow still terrible value.

But Philipson wasn't done there.

To quote treasury sources, she also proposed cutting music and dance funding.

I mean, yeah, people might object, but what are they going to do?

Make a big song and dance about it.

Now Reeves has denied it, but it's fair to say these proposals went down like drag queen story hour at this weekend's reform rally.

To sum up.

Andy, I listened to every word of the spring statement and all I know for certain is that I don't have any money.

Thanks, Anya.

And I think you speak for us all.

In fact, I just want to reassure listeners.

If you listen to the spring statement and you think you sort of understood it, but really deep down, you're just a scared child who's feeling frightened and overwhelmed by the news and a bit, ah.

And truth be told, you don't really know what's going on at all, but you feel like you have to keep nodding along and you're secretly terrified that somebody's going to rumble you any moment now.

First of all, hello Chris Mason.

Thank you for tuning in.

But secondly, don't worry.

We're going to make everything as clear as possible.

Help is at hand.

The Naked Week has been thinking about how to condense all of this into an easily digestible parcel of information.

And given the news around proposed classroom cuts, we've decided the best way to do this is in the form of a music lesson.

So to help us and you, please welcome music teacher Bethany Reeves.

So Bethany, Bethany Reeves.

Reeves, any relation?

Thankfully not.

Okay.

So we need to simplify the other Reeves' spring statement and I believe you're going to help us.

That's right.

Despite what the Department for Education might or might not think, music is a really effective way of both conveying information and training your brain.

If you can link words to a simple, memorable melody, that information is much more likely to stay with you.

So we set you the Herculean task of listening to every single word that Rachel Reeves said into a microphone on Wednesday, and we're obviously very sorry about that.

We know you may now be suffering from PTSSD,

post-traumatic spring statement disorder.

We've all set you up with a counsellor.

Thank you.

Was there anything that stood out to you?

She clearly had several key points she was keen to hammer home and hammer them she did.

Here's a very quick reminder.

A changing world demands a government that is on the side of working people.

We wipe the slate clean.

Yes, changing and wiping.

The economy is now a big baby.

Yes, so what we're going to do is we're going to set these phrases to a simple children's tune, which everybody knows, and which, more importantly, for this show's budget, is in the public domain.

Ah, great.

My favourite domain.

And everyone here in the audience is going to sing.

I'm seeing quite a few apprehensive looks, but I promise you, you'll know the tune.

It's London's Burning.

Which it was last week, or at least the airport's electricity supply was.

And here are the lyrics.

We have the lyrics up on screen.

I'm just going to talk them through for the people at home.

World is changing, world is changing.

Working people, working people.

Cuts, cuts, cuts, cuts.

Wipe the slate clean.

Wipe the slate clean.

Brilliant.

Do we need accompaniment for this, Bethany?

We do.

And we've got the saddest sound in the known musical universe.

The school recorder, of course.

We now bring on

the Naked Week wing section.

Dr.

Lee,

do feel free to join in wherever you are listening to this, whether you're at home, in the car, in the witness box.

And

if you can get a whole group of you singing it with the actions, please do film it and send it in to the one show.

We haven't asked them, we just want to annoy them.

By the way, because this song is being broadcast on national radio, we have had to register it with PRS for Music.

That's the Performing Rights Society, the organization which sorts out royalty payments for songwriters.

And although the composer of this ditty is unfortunately both anonymous and dead, don't forget, lyricists also receive royalties.

And our lyricist just happens to be current Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, MP,

who is now, thanks to The Naked Week, also a credited professional songwriter

and eligible to receive payment for performances of her work.

We have genuinely done this.

We have also informed her parliamentary office, so

hopefully in a few months' time, her official register of interests will include an entry of roughly 50p

for broadcast royalties, brackets, original lyrics, radio for the naked week, closed brackets.

Typical.

Another MP with a second job.

Right.

I think we're ready to go, are we?

All together, ready.

One, two.

World is changing, world is changing.

Working people,

working people.

Cuts cuts, cuts, cuts.

Work the state clean, work the state clean.

World is changing.

World is changing.

World is changing.

World is changing.

cuts is dancing, cuts it down to, what is right clean, what is right sleep, what the state clean, what is fake clean,

goodbye,

the naked week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with guest correspondent Annia Magliano and singing teacher Bethany Reid.

And on recorder, the Naked Week wins section.

It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Koredic, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster, and Jason Haisley.

With investigations team Kat Neeland, Louis Mian, Matt Brown and Freya Shaw.

Additional material by Carl Mins, Ali Panting, Helen Brooks, Cooper Morwini Swirk, Phoebe Butler and Kevin Smith.

The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes.

It's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Robin Ince.

And I'm Brian Cox and we would like to tell you about the new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage.

In this series, we're going to have a plan it off.

We decided it was time to go cosmic, so we are going to do Jupiter

versus Scepter!

It's very well done that because in the script it does say in square brackets wrestling voice question mark.

And once we touch back down on this planet, we're going to go deep.

Really deep.

Yes, we're journeying to the center of the Earth with guests Phil Wang, Chris Jackson and Anna Ferreira.

And after all of that intense heat and pressure, we're just going to kind of chill out a bit and talk about ice.

And also in this series, we're discussing altruism.

We'll find out what it is.

Exploring the history of music, recording with Brian Eno, and looking at nature's shapes.

So, if that sounds like your kind of thing, you can listen to the infinite monkey cage first on BBC Sounds.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score, we demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.