The Naked Week: Ep 3. Benefits, Borders, and a game of Truss or Towers.

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Finally, the solution to your weight management woes has arrived.

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After starting this journey on compounded sumagluti from Henry Meds, I'm down 85 pounds and I feel great.

This journey has been life-changing.

Go to henrymeds.com/slash iHeart and get $100 off your first month.

Results may vary.

Not all patients are eligible.

Compounded medications are not FDA approved.

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray.

Welcome to The Naked Week.

Imagine Panorama if its electrical substation had caught fire and all the news was cancelled.

So, coming up on the show, we listen in as Donald Trump and J.D.

Vance come up with their plan to take over Ukraine's nuclear power plants.

Smithers, must hurt my brain.

Yes, sir.

Why, you and I can run this plant ourselves.

Do!

Over on GB News this week, Jacob Rees Mock failed to get into the St.

Patrick's Day spirit.

Green nonsense.

And on Talk TV, ex-Reform UK deputy leader Ben Habib clashed with Julia Hartley Brewer over how to eat spaghetti.

You know what?

You need to suck it up.

I totally disagree.

Where's the president?

Where's the president?

You need to suck it up.

And a longer version of that audio is available on Julia's OnlyFans page.

Now, this week saw the government introduce quite an unlabour-like policy, unless the labour in question is hard manual.

This week, Sir Kierstama piled into the welfare system, slashing benefits here, there, and everywhere, until perhaps the only benefit left is the one of hindsight that goes, God, voting him in was a mistake, wasn't it?

Yes, the Prime Minister has, in recent days, effectively become the nation's friend without benefits, with critics

with critics saying he's screwing the most vulnerable by removing their safety nets, much like in the 70s, Margaret Thatcher came for our milk.

Remember the phrase Maggie Thatcher, milk snatcher?

Well, please welcome Keir Starmer, Wheelchair Harmer,

Along with Liz Kendall, the benefits Grendel.

Topical humour there for anyone listening from the 8th century.

At least, those were some of the headlines, but the counter-argument is, of course, it's really not fair when scroungers get things for free.

Unless, of course, the scrounger in question is the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the thing for free is the £900 pop concert tickets she accepted to see Sabrina Carpenter at the O2 last weekend.

Terrible optics.

Please, please, please, Rachel Reeves.

Do keep proving us right.

As Sabrina might say, that's that me espresso.

But there was one aspect of the story that really stood out to us at the Naked Week, and that's how many of the policy changes seem to be aimed at young people.

Like junk food adverts and Leonardo DiCaprio, the government is directly targeting the young.

But why?

One in eight under 25s are now economically inactive and not in education, employment, or training.

That's about a million young people.

Now, many would say that Starma is absolutely right.

There's clearly a problem here.

And as the government is attempting to encourage young people into work, why don't we give them a hand?

We wanted to find out what is the best job to have.

I'm joined now by the Naked Week's best job to have correspondent, Rubina Pabani.

So, Rubina, you've been researching this.

What can we do to help young people into work?

First of all, hello, young people.

I come in peace from the millennials, the ones who did side fringes, Peplum Tops, and Iraq.

I have indeed been looking into jobs which have the most benefits, and I think I found one.

Okay, great news.

Details, please.

The salary.

Over 90k with above inflation pay rises.

Okay, so I'm guessing that's not nursing or teaching?

Not a chance, because with this job, you also get a budget to pay your own staff, including, if you want to, a press officer or a photographer.

Okay.

And not only that, your staff canteen will be heavily subsidised.

Okay, I think I can see where this is going.

And you can have your own on-site bar where a glass of wine or a pint will cost a fraction of what it does in the real world.

I see.

And you'll get 17 weeks' holiday and nine grand a year for postage and stationery.

$9,000 a year for postage?

With that kind of budget, you could send nearly three packages by Royal Mail.

Second class.

Audience, what do we think the job job is, please?

It's being an MP, exactly, of course.

But hang on, Rubina, we can't just get a million young people jobs as MPs.

That's stupid and unworkable.

That's like calling Vladimir Putin and expecting him not to stifle a giggle every time he agrees to a ceasefire.

Well, because we like to help, the Naked Week did get in touch with the Electoral Commission and asked if we could split, for example, the Isle of Wight into one million smaller constituencies of 38 square centimetres.

Did we really do that?

They didn't reply.

Okay.

Come on, guys.

Do you want the young people back into work or not?

We're trying to think outside the ballot box here.

Give the young people a ticket to ride.

Well.

Just wait for that to dissipate.

Well, there is one other option.

Who did we spot was advertising for a new parliamentary assistant this very week?

The architect of the benefit cuts herself, work and pension secretary Ms.

Liz Kendall MP.

So to be completely fair to Liz, she's rightly rightly identified that 1 million young people need jobs, and now she's immediately gone out and created one, yes.

But if she keeps up this pace

of one new job a day, it will only take another 2,739 years, and we will have solved youth unemployment.

So, Rubina, what can we do to help these 1 million economically inactive young people get this particular job as Liz Kendall's parliamentary assistant?

Well, Andy, we're going to put together the best CB ever, and then we're going to apply for the job live on stage.

And to help us do that, professional career coach Alice Stableton, everybody.

Alice, thank you so much for joining us.

You're very welcome.

So just to get this straight, audience, Alice is a professional career coach with years of experience helping people change career or find work, and she is going to help us put together the most impressive CV possible, inspired by the current crop of Labour MPs.

So, Alice, I'm sure I could pass for under 25, and that

is hardly the worst age-related lie a BBC presenter has told, okay?

Right, I am going to play the role of applicant, and let's start off with my work history.

So it'd be good to have some real-world experience on there.

Should I, for example, say on my CV that I've worked at the Bank of England for, to pluck a random figure, six years?

Well, Andy, if you want to be a Labour MP, there's no need to be truthful on your CV.

You can just lie about how long you've worked at the Bank of England and still take one of the top four offices of state.

Great news.

Okay, in that case, can we please put down that I worked at the Bank of England for 73 years?

Yeah, adding that now can.

Okay, what about my hobbies and interests?

Go on.

Well, let's say for the sake of argument that one of my hobbies is punching my constituents in the street.

Let's put that under sports.

Got the CV up on the screen here.

Any others?

I quite like lying about the fact that my mobile phone has been stolen, prompting a conviction for fraud.

I'll put that under key skills.

Perfect.

Now, an important part of any resume is listing your personal attributes.

You want to be an MP.

Do you have any?

Not really.

Perfect.

Next question.

Do you like jokes?

Have you heard this show?

Well, yeah, I'll see what you mean.

Well, it can be good to show potential future employers that you've got a sense of humour.

Okay, well, in that case, yes, I love making jokes, especially in WhatsApp groups.

I love making jokes in parliamentary WhatsApp groups about killing members of the public.

Let's put that under people skills.

It's also essential to include any other roles that you've previously held or you're currently holding.

Okay, Okay, great.

Well, let's say I'm a landlord, but I'm not a good landlord.

I'm a slum landlord.

How would being a slum landlord help me get a job as a Labour MP?

Well, we can spin this.

I think you can say you have a passion for rewilding?

Yes!

That's it.

I was deliberately breeding black mold and making my tenants live among ant infestations to help the environment.

Suck on that, Attenborough.

Nearly there.

So, final question: interests.

What sort of music do you like?

I'm a big fan of Sabrina Carpenter.

Great.

And just your full name?

It's Rachel Michael Louise Jazz Andrew Reeves Amesbury Haig Atwell Gwyn.

And I should say for listeners at home, if you go to the Radio 4 Instagram feed, no idea why it's got one, it's mostly just Justin Webb thirst traps.

You can see us genuinely sending this to Liz Kendall and what's more we have written the entire thing in comic sans

shall we send it yes go for it and send it lovely

off it goes quicker than Nicola Sturgeon getting scot-free tattooed on her knuckles ladies and gentlemen and stableton

now I want everyone in the room to picture Bryony Jackson, age 15.

She was my then-girlfriend at school, and she broke my heart by selfishly having parents who moved to Dorset halfway through term.

The question is, though, pertaining to this week's news: what if I use that story now, 20 years later, to cynically sell a book?

And we're asking that question because former Tory MP Mark Field this week sold the serialization of his kiss and tell vis-à-vis Liz Truss

I know

to the mail on Sunday.

A little cry of despair from the audience.

We're doing it, I'm afraid.

There's no stopping it happening.

Now, the memoir does include a lot of, let's say, unnecessarily intimate details about Liz.

Although, most disconcertingly of all, it suggests she once actually did do something quite sensible.

She dumped Mark Field.

Now, coincidentally, this week also saw the opening of a new theme park attraction at Alton Towers, and that got us thinking it was time for a little game.

So, studio audience, the rules are very simple.

You have to guess whether what I'm reading is a review for the Toxicator, the new ride at Alton Towers, or

is it the Toxic Hater, Mark Fields, describing our esteemed former Prime Minister?

Are you ready?

All right, you can play along at home too.

Let's play Truss or Towers.

Here we go.

First one, exhilarating experience.

Is that Truss or Towers?

No, according to Mark Field, it's Liz Truss.

Next one.

Overhyped expectations.

Truss.

That is Alton Towers, I'm afraid.

That's what I've trusted.

Must be accompanied by an adult.

That is Alton Towers.

Intoxicating and disconcerting.

That is Liz Truss, well done.

Exhausting.

That's Liz Truss, according to Mark Field.

You'll experience heart-pounding centrifugal forces and extreme spin patterns.

That is Liz Truss.

It's Alton Towers.

Ride duration was too short.

Of course that was Alton Towers.

I felt sick halfway through and my hat blew off.

It's Alton Towers, of course it was.

Right, 10 points for everyone, none to Mark Field.

Although, maybe a bonus one for quite remarkably and for the first time ever making us feel a bit sorry for Liz Truss.

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After starting this journey on compounded sumagluti from Henry Meds, I'm down 85 pounds and I feel great.

This journey has been life-changing.

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Results may vary.

Not all patients are eligible.

Compounded medications are not FDA approved.

Consult a healthcare provider to determine if treatment is right for you.

So, in a turbulent week in which ceasefires seemingly cease to be, now seems like a good moment to step away from the noise and into the naked week's very own garden of current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in haikus.

Thames Water gets three billion loan to stay afloat like turds in a lake.

The news in haikus

You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when the COVID inquiry was accused of being naive and hostile by former health secretary Matt Hancock.

And speaking of grubby little bodies,

it's now time for us to don the rubber glove of journalism and have another probe up the corridors of Westminster regulators to see if anything feels tender.

I'm joined once again by the Naked Week's chief investigative proctologist and Tortoise Media Political Editor Kat Nealon, everybody.

Kat, last week we looked at the impressively obscure Office of the Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists.

Who is gripping the table of scrutiny this time?

They'll be the PRCA.

That's the Public Relations and Communications Association.

These guys sound even wilder than last week's lot.

Do they also regulate lobbying?

Kind of.

They're actually the lobbying industry's own trade body with a code of conduct that its members must abide by.

Okay, I can appreciate a code of conduct.

I actually have to sign one before each episode of this show, promising not to call Richard Madeley a laminated barrel of despair.

Well, I've not signed one, so I say that's exactly what he is.

And that's how the law works.

Anyway, among other things, their code states.

It is inappropriate for a person to be both a legislator and a public affairs practitioner.

Members must not employ any member of parliament or member of the House of Lords to conduct public affairs in any capacity.

So that sounds pretty clear-cut.

Lobbyists can't employ parliamentarians for public affairs.

Correct.

Okay, so really, I have just one question.

Witches?

No, it's nothing to do with witches, cat.

I was going to ask: seeing as the industry's own membership organisation expressly forbids it, presumably these lobbying companies can't and don't employ any MPs.

That's right.

Great.

So credit where credit's due.

That sounds like...

They do employ members of the House of Lords.

Oh, but aren't lords also.

parliamentarians?

Yes.

Legislators also, yes.

Okay, so can we just play that bit of the code of conduct again, please?

Members must not employ any member of the House of Lords to conduct public affairs in any capacity.

And a House of Lords spokesperson told the Naked Week that, quote, members are banned from providing paid parliamentary advice or services.

Okay.

I'm sensing a, but despite this.

But despite this,

the Naked Week has uncovered six PR and lobbying firms who are signed up to that code of conduct, currently employing members of the House of Lords.

So just flat out ignoring their own

cond of conduct.

Are you trying to tell me they're ignoring the cond of conduct?

That is very serious.

That'll make sense.

Edit round that, John.

So just ignoring their own code of conduct, then?

You say ignoring, some might say interpreting.

And not only that, some of these peers are quite high profile.

Remember Tom Watson?

Of course, he was deputy labour leader under Jeremy Corbyn.

And in 2022, Keir Starmer gave him a life peerage for services to not being Jeremy Corbyn.

Of course, he did.

And now Lord Watson is on the advisory council of a, quote, strategy and communications agency called Lodestone, not to be confused with Treadstone, the sinister CIA black ops assassin programme in the Jason Bourne films.

Okay, so

Lodestone is employing Lord Watson, a labour peer, in direct breach of their own industry's code of conduct.

Uh judge for yourself, Andy.

His role at Lodestone includes providing, quote, strategic counsel rather than public affairs.

And strategic counsel sounds spectacularly vague.

Basically, he's a paid advisor, but I should stress there is no suggestion that any rules have been broken.

Incidentally, Lodestone's client companies include Naked Week favourites Palantir, where Lord Watson is also a paid advisor.

Ooh, busy boy.

Yes, in fact, he's so busy that neither he nor Lodestone responded to the Naked Weeks' requests for comment.

But the PRCA told us: We acknowledge concerns regarding the employment of peers, and this is an area currently under review as part of our ongoing consultation on the public affairs code.

The second phase of this consultation is set to be launched on the 24th of March.

So that is progress.

The lobbying industry's trade body recognises the flaws in its system, and clearly, the code will soon be tightened so that all companies will be held to the same rigorous standards.

Well, no.

There will still be one extremely easy way to get around it.

Companies could just not sign up.

Fingerpunk?

It's completely voluntary.

Public relations and communications firms can operate without signing up to the Public Relations and Communications Association.

It makes absolutely no difference.

Incredible.

So if these lobbying companies are operating without even the pretense of a code of conduct, what happens when there really is no handbrake?

Well, let's take a quick look at one particular company, North Point Strategy.

Its chairman is a man called James Wharton who, despite having a staggeringly low-profile career as an MP, still got a peerage from Boris Johnson.

So this guy Wharton is now able to shape legislation.

While also running a firm whose job is to influence policies and laws.

To be clear, North Point describes Lord Wharton's role as overseeing the running of North Point Strategy and providing strategic counsel to clients.

More strategic counsel stuff.

Exactly.

And that same company, North Point, also employs Tory peer and current shadow minister Martin Callanan and perhaps more surprisingly Carwin Jones.

So that's Carwin Jones as in the former Labour First Minister of Wales, that Carwin Jones?

The very same.

And just to add, Carwin Jones told The Naked Week, I always follow the House of Lords code of conduct and it's part of my contract with North Point.

So essentially what all of this boils down to is you can be a lord or a shadow minister and a lord or even a former first minister of an entire nation and a lord and still stroll around the parliamentary estate working for anyone who might want to have laws changed while the industry's trade body sits there and does nothing of any use.

And just like that, we're back to Richard Madeley.

Can't kneel in everybody.

You're listening to The Naked Week.

Coming up, it sounds like Michael Gove has finally settled on a title for his memoirs, Politically Motivated Bilge.

And it seems the government aren't the only ones having trouble with pips this week.

See also Amol Rajan.

Our editors today were Dan McAdam and Joshua Tyndall.

Studio Der.

This week saw the release of Disney's new live-action adaptation of Snow White.

The film has been heavily criticised for, well, pretty much everything, but there has been extra large rage reserved for the CGI hybrid nightmare that is the seven not dwarfs.

Critics can't agree on what they are, and frankly, it's hard to say.

Part human, part computer, with blank dead eyes.

Imagine seven Rachel Reeves is without any of the charm or charisma.

But But there are plenty more reboots coming down the line.

I'm joined by the Naked Week's terrible idea for a remake correspondent, Rubina Pabani.

Rubina, what's on Disney's slate?

July 2025, I'm really looking forward to this one.

Alice's adventures through the changes to disability benefits.

After falling down a hole and shattering her pelvis, Alice is told that there's nothing wrong with her and she should get a job and stop leeching off society.

Here's one coming up in October: The Tale of Winnie the Pooh and Andrew Tate.

Lovely.

Here we go.

Pooh and Tate are under house arrest in the 100-acre wood.

As the animals hatch a plot to help them escape to Florida, Pooh says that honey is for beta cucks, and from now on, he only eats piglets.

This one should be fun.

Another modern reimagining of a beloved classic, Lady and the Trump.

Kind of.

Here is how Disney describes it.

A flabby old terrier gets his head stuck in a posh tanning bed.

Then one day the terrier's owner takes him for a ride in a Tesla, which instantly catches fire.

The end.

Now, I don't know if you've noticed, but most of our so-called planet is not getting on too well at the moment.

Putin's still throwing troops at Ukraine like a leathery toddler refusing his diplomatic num-numbs.

Israel and Hamas are.

Oh, hang on, sorry, I should tell you: the BBC now gives all its presenters an envelope to open in the event of discussing Gaza.

One second, I'll just open this up.

Sorry.

What was a piece of paper in here?

Let's just see what it says.

It says, Shut up, for the love of God, shut up.

Okay, but which God are we talking about?

We can't get the mic right.

Moving on.

Anyway, boundary disputes are clearly this season's must-have accessory, like crop tops and Nazi salutes.

And for the last few weeks, one border Barney in particular has been not so quietly bubbling away.

Canada and the United States, that would really be something.

You get rid of that artificially drawn line, and it would also be much better for national security.

Don't forget, we basically protect Canada.

That's right.

It seems at present the world looks like one big episode of neighbors from hell.

America versus Canada.

It is on.

It is on like Saskatchewan.

Someone just said Jesus in the audience.

It's your own time you're wasting.

Even before retaking the Oval Office, the Curious Orange had his bafflingly healthy heart set on grabbing his northern neighbors by the beaver and moving on them

like a man who respects boundaries the same way that President Zelensky respects moss brass.

And apparently, Trump has decided that if he can't have Greenland for his 51st state, Canada will have to do.

Now, so far, Canada has told Trump politely but firmly, but let's be honest, mostly politely,

to Vamous.

And this week, the new Canadian Prime Minister, Mark Carney, was asked for his view.

Look, let me state the obvious, which is...

No, Mark, it's got nothing to do with witches.

Carry on.

Canada's strong.

We can stand up for ourselves.

We're Canada.

We don't need other people to come to our aid.

Mark, you are literally called Can Aid Ions.

But all this talk of expansionism has got the Naked Week thinking.

If you can just wake up one morning, decide you fancy taking over your neighbour's turf, and announce that borders are now totally irrelevant, if it really is that easy, and we want in.

Because the Naked Week has its own borders.

Borders we never agreed to with neighbors we don't much care for.

And on a Friday evening, when the Naked Week is first broadcast, our nearest neighbor is the Archers.

Sure, to you, it might be an everyday story of hard-working farming folk just trying to get by, but to us, it's a priceless quarter hour of dairy storylines that we think will be much better off as part of the Naked Week.

They will be our 31st minute.

After all, what even is 7 p.m.?

It's just a line on a clock.

Another artificially drawn border.

Let me be clear, the Naked Week does not recognise the so-called sovereign authority of the Radio Times.

And as for our Saturday lunchtime repeat, what's on after us?

Any questions?

Hey, weaklings, I've got a question for you.

What are you going to do about it?

So, how to go about annexing the archers?

We've been left with no other choice but a full military invasion.

Ahead of our forces going in, let's talk to the Naked Weeks rural warfare correspondent, Rubina Pabani, who's somewhere near the disputed border with Borsetshire.

Rubina, where are you exactly?

At about three minutes past seven.

Rubina, as the invading programme force, do we have intelligence on how the archers might defend itself from attack?

We do.

We had a mole inside the archers.

Although, because it was digging up his field at Bridge Farm, Tony Archer has killed it with a spade.

Barbaric.

The sooner we get wellies on the ground, the better.

What other defences do they have?

There's also reports of a solid wall of farmer, udders fashioned into rudimentary blowpipes,

and a Trojan pig stuffed with storylines left over from the last fit and mouth outbreak.

Frankly, I am already wearing my MAGA hat.

It stands for Make Ambridge Graze Again because they've had issues with flooding at Brookfield Farm.

That's where I am, Andy.

I can see five cows over there, then seven cows, then five more cows.

Sorry, five cows, then seven cows.

And five more cows.

Ah, it's the moose

in haikus.

From the occupied territory of Ambridge, Rubina, thank you.

Now, let's turn our attention to the incursion itself.

This week has been a turbulent time in the bull, what with Helen Archer being accused by Brian Aldridge of getting into bed with Big Farmer, the big farmer in question being Eddie Grundy.

But let me say this: if we want to secure our rightful territory, there will be no compromising.

The archers must feel the full weight of the naked weak military-industrial complex.

Linda Snell must not be allowed to join NATO.

And so, in a pincer movement from the Ambridge Farm in the south to Grey Gables in the north, we're going in.

Cry havoc and let slip the cows of war.

Hervacy meeting.

Ah, all right.

No dissent among the locals.

We're fortifying Willow Farm and laying landmines in adjacent fields.

Any pockets of resistance will be dealt with.

Meaning what?

You know what it means, Tony.

The Naked Week doesn't negotiate with terrorists.

What can we do about that?

We can protest, Helen.

At least we can make our voices heard.

Fruitless.

Like Ambridge Flower and Produce Show after the tanks have rolled through.

Oh, I'm going to miss it.

Now, it's comic relief weekend, so I'm off to sit in the tepid bath of mediocrity for Keir Starmer.

That's all for this week's Naked Week.

Goodbye!

The Naked Week was hosted by Andrew Hunter Murray with correspondent Rubina Patani and guest Alice Stapleton.

It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Keriddick, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dunster, and Jason Hazley, with investigations team Cat Nealon, Louis Mian, Matt Brown, and Freya Shaw.

Additional material by Carl Menz, Ali Panting, Cooper Mwini Swirt, Kevin Smith, and Olivia Williams.

The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes.

It's an unusual production for BC.

Hello, Greg Jenner here.

I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4.

We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it.

And we're back for a brand new series, Series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France.

We are looking at the arts and crafts movement and the life of Sojourner Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age.

Loads of different stuff.

It's a fantastic series.

It's funny.

We get great historians.

We get great comedians.

So if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.

Finally, the solution to your weight management woes has arrived.

The healthcare providers at Henry Meds offer access to compounded GLP-1 medications from the comfort of your home with weight management treatments that are fast, easy, and affordable.

After starting this journey on compounded semagluti from Henry Meds, I'm down 85 pounds and I feel great.

This journey has been life-changing.

Go to henrymeds.com/slash iHeart and get $100 off your first month.

Results may vary.

Not all patients are eligible.

Compounded medications are not FDA approved.

Consult a healthcare provider to determine if treatment is right for you.