The Naked Week: Ep 2. Brick Walls, Dead Wood, and Charlie.

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Hello and welcome to The Naked Week.

Imagine the World at One agreeing a ceasefire with the news agent's podcast, but only on Sarah Montague's terms.

I'm Andrew Hunter Murray, and this week, 10 points to whoever sent a reporter with this name to cover a story about jet fuel and oil.

Phil McCann is our correspondent in Grimsby.

Phil McCann.

Incredible.

The Today programme there, guest edited by the two Ronnies.

Also coming up, Trump talks tough on tariffs.

The United States of America is going to take back a lot of what was stolen from it by other countries.

Honestly, calm down, Donald.

We've already given Megan back.

And having exhausted all known ways of explaining tax to people over the years, it seems that money-saving expert Martin Lewis has finally gone insane.

You know, you've got your cakes, you've got your chocolate cake, you've got your strawberry cake.

Right.

Your chocolate cake is cash because it begins with the C.

I'm sorry, Martin.

What?

So I've got my chocolate cake.

Now, the problem with the chocolate cake normally is it gets interest.

That's the icing on the top.

Okay, interest is the icing on the cake.

I get that bit.

Great.

Someone from the tax office can come along and take a bite out of it.

No, you've lost me again.

Are you thinking of pie charts?

But what an icer is, it's a piece of cling film.

It's a wrapper you can put around a chocolate cake.

I'm sorry, what is going on?

Is this

cash or is this cake?

So you get that cling film every year, and once it's in the cling film, it stays in the cling film until you take it out of the cling film.

Stop, for the love of God, stop saying cling film.

In fact, you can still use that cling film as long as it's within the cling film.

Did that make sense?

No, Martin.

No, it did not.

And I suggest you stop eating all that sugar.

So, as the 90s boy band Five Reform and the five MPs in reform split up.

That is pleasing.

That's pleasing, isn't it?

This week has been quite the confusing roller coaster for anyone who's a fan of Five or Farage or both or neither.

In fact, the watchword of the week has surely been reform.

What with both Nigel Farage sinking to a new Rupert Lowe and Kier Starmer announcing sweeping changes to the civil service, more of which coming up.

It's civil war then, especially with Nigel and Rupert indulging in tit for even bigger tit arguing all week.

And as a result, making it quite hard to understand what's going on.

But among Lowe's many, many, many, many, many, many statements on social media in the past week, one in particular stood out for its passion, its sincerity, and its bold claims in the field of experimental medicine.

This is what he wrote.

I have torn out what remaining hair I have left over the last few months trying to talk.

I have tried and tried and tried to resolve all of this behind closed doors.

I can only smash my head against a brick wall for so long.

Questions remain.

Or, for balance, questions leave.

But either way, this got us thinking.

How long can you smash your head against a brick wall for?

Just how long is so long?

And is it just a coincidence that the ship that crashed into the other ship on Monday was called the so long?

Yes, of course it is.

But what we really want to know is this: does smashing your head against a brick wall make Reform UK more electable?

Might smashing your head against a brick wall actually help you understand what's currently going on in the party?

To find out, please welcome the Naked Week's concussion correspondent, Paul Dunphy.

Paul, you've been keeping track of this whole saga.

Yes, I have, Andy, and it's been quite the journey.

And I can see you have brought your own brick with you.

Yes, yes.

It's a seven and a half by three and a half standard modular engineering brick.

For those of you playing along at home, sorry, do not play along at home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Typical woke BBC.

Sorry, so I was just trying to get into the frame of mind of a reform.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, if I understand this correctly, you are going to give Naked Week listeners a summary of the last seven days in Reform HQ

while smashing your head against a house brick.

Is that correct?

That's 100% correct.

Yeah.

Count me in.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

Right, okay.

Last week, Rupert Lowe gave an interview to the Daily Mail in which he called Reform UK a protest party led by the Messiah.

And by the Messiah, he was, of course, he was referring to...

Oh,

Marshall Farage!

What's working, Andy?

You are bleeding.

Nah, that's just excess journalism.

Anyway, look, the very next day, Reform announced it had suspended Lowe and referred him to the police, claiming they'd received allegations of bullying and threats of violence.

Lowe then denied allegations.

Then Reform's Chief Whip got involved and he said he was appalled by Rupert Lowe's behavior.

Okay, and who is Reform's Chief Whip?

Lee Anderson!

That's right.

The man who was appalled by Rupert Lowe's alleged bullying and bad language was the same man the parliamentary watchdog on bullying found had sworn at security staff in the House of Commons.

How about them, potatoes, eh?

Paul, are you all right?

Who's Paul?

Okay, never mind.

Can you wrap it up?

Well, the story.

No, your head.

You don't seem very well.

Listen, Anthony, I am going to get a Pulitzer Prize out of this segment if it kills me.

Ladies and gentlemen, our concussion correspondent Paul Dumphy.

So, in short, like Paul's face after that, it's all a bit of a mess.

What we do know about Rupert is that the great Yar Mouth Breather has, for now,

left the building.

But, of course, in these sorts of situations, one must think of the fans.

If you are one of Rupert's devastated army of rupees groupies, or low-lifers, as they're known,

Do not worry, we've got your back for good.

Well, joining me now is Donna Morgan, who is a professional counsellor.

Donna, hello.

Hi.

It is so sad, isn't it, when your favourite member of your favourite right-wing party leaves like this, isn't it?

Absolutely.

What's the best way of dealing with trauma like this?

Well, it's a little like grieving, really.

First of all, you've got your denial, this can't be happening.

Then you've got your bargaining.

What if?

What if it's not true?

Then you've got.

Yeah.

I think it is, though.

I think they are going to have to come to terms with that.

Yeah.

And then that's where the depression creeps in and the acceptance.

So it's important to let someone who is grieving have the space to own their feelings about the MP for Great Yarmouth.

That is sage advice for a nation in mourning.

Thank you so much, Donna.

Do remember: if you've been affected by any of these issues, then you can also visit bbc.co.uk forward slash boohoo.

Time now for the Naked Week quiz.

And it's a quick question for you about the U.S.

buying electricity from Canada.

And it does it make sense that our country allows electricity to be made in another country and sold into us.

Who did that deal for the United States?

Who did that deal?

Who did that deal for the United States?

Any answers?

Donald Trump.

It was Donald Trump!

It was Donald Trump during his first term.

He signed it into law in 2020 when he described it as the best deal ever.

Two points if you got that right.

And don't forget to give those two points away in a few years' time, saying they were the worst points and nobody had ever seen such bad points.

Now, here at The Naked Week, we love a bit of Charlie and the Club as much as the next man.

Don't know what that means.

Especially if the Charlie in question is His Majesty the King and the club in question is the King's Music Room, his new venture on Apple Music.

The King dropped his favorite song playlist this week for us all to enjoy here's a bit of it this very last song is one of my particular favorites i like big bucks in the kingdom

do you know what one likes king charles and one cannot lie in fact the king's playlist has proved so popular that next week it's prince andrew's turn and um

we have a little uh early view of his playlist here so let's see what have we got we've oh yes uh girl i want to make you sweat brackets although i can't close brackets

britney spears is you want a pizza me he's uh expressly requested that

uh he's also chosen dolly parton's woking 925

and and staying with dolly he's got epstein island in the stream

then uh abba's dancing queen young and sweet i didn't know she was 17.

and finally shaggy's it wasn't me

oh sorry he's just put anything by shaggy i can't can't wait to tune in.

You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time once again to relax and enjoy a moment of quiet current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in haikus.

Labour's Mike Amesbury quits.

Bet his constituents are as pleased as punch.

The news in haikus.

And now a word from our glorious leader.

We've created a watchdog state completely out of whack with the priorities of the British people.

That was Keir Starmer on Thursday morning.

He has already whacked one watchdog.

This week, there was an announcement confirming the sad demise of the payment systems regulator.

I know, I know.

I love that watchdog too.

But I'm afraid it's gone.

It had to be put down because the cost of running it came back to bite Rachel Reeves on the ass.

Still, all the more reason to pay closer attention to the watchdogs we do have.

And joining me again to do so is the Naked Weeks Kat Nealon.

Cap!

Who's dragging their bum along the regulatory carpet this week?

A frisky little body called the Office of the Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists.

Ooh!

The Office of the Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists, they sound like a bundle of fun.

Don't they, Just?

But the ORCL is genuinely quite important.

It's the lobbying regulator, and it was set up in 2014 when then Prime Minister David Cameron made a big song and dance about cracking down on lobbying.

That's a noble cause.

Which backfired massively in 2021 when he was found to have lobbied the government on behalf of the collapsed finance firm Greensill Capital, for which he was a paid advisor.

And presumably, Cameron's own watchdog pored over this like Melania Trump poring over how to make it look like an accident.com.

Yes.

The regulator conducted a thorough investigation and declared that, based on detailed information and assurances provided, Mr.

Cameron's activities do not fall within the criteria that require registration on the Register of Consultant Lobbyists.

Oh, okay.

So the regulator said it was all okay.

They decided that Cameron hadn't received any payment from Greensill apart from his salary.

He didn't receive any payment?

Correct.

Apart from the payment that he had received.

Yeah.

um

okay there's only one way to make that make sense uh can you just pass me that brick so i can smash my head against it

yeah i like it okay good makes sense but lord cameron isn't the only peer enjoying the watchdog's generosity there's also the clearly sleeps in a coffin filled with earth labour party grandee peter mandelson

most people are in parliament for what they can give to the public oh mandy you came and you gave without taking

yeah that's him back in 2010 in the dying days of the last Labour government, after three of his former cabinet colleagues were caught by Channel 4 and the Sunday Times offering their services to a fictional lobbying firm.

They're not typical of British politicians or what goes on in Parliament, and I hope that's what people bear in mind when they reflect on this.

Bit rich coming from someone with no reflection at all.

But Kat, why are we dropping in on the Prince of Darkness?

Well, you may remember in the last series, we looked at Mandelson's lobbying firm, Global Council.

Would you like a quick reminder of some of their clients?

I so would.

Within the last year, they've included Water UK, that's the trade association representing water companies.

Awesome guys doing an awesome job.

Shell Oil and Gas.

Love them.

TikTok.

Not TikTok again, please.

I am still recovering from last week's big minge energy song.

And a company called Palantir.

Witches?

No, it's nothing to do with witches, Andy.

It's a massive US tech firm that builds data software and military targeting systems, which also happens to have a £330 million contract with the NHS.

Oh, terrific.

So we are sorted if we ever need to launch a drone attack on a nurse.

And you say Mandelson's firm has represented all these companies.

Yes, and just last month it was investigated by the regulator, the ORCL.

Ah, okay.

So the regulator that we are talking about did actually do something.

Only after journalists working for the newsletter Democracy for Sale discovered that the firm failed to disclose lobbying on behalf of something called the Qatar Free Zone Authority.

And I'd need at least an hour to explain what that is exactly.

But basically, it had very close ties to the Qatari government and the Qatari royal family.

Another great bunch of lads.

So, Kat, this is an absolutely blatant, inarguable breach of the lobbying rules by Global Council.

I assume the watchdog tore them a new one.

And by one, I mean...

page from the rule book.

Do you think so, Andy, but...

No, they didn't, did they?

No, because this lobbying took place through Global Council's Middle East subsidiary, not its UK arm.

As such, it didn't pay VAT, and lobbying firms that aren't paying VAT don't have to declare their work to the regulator.

That is a bit of a loophole, isn't it?

I mean, calling that a bit of a loophole is like calling Elon Musk a bit of an argument for vasectomies.

It's also one of the loopholes that means that 96% of the regulator's investigations into suspect lobbying end with...

Prosecutions?

No.

Finding of no wrongdoing.

Oh, okay.

96%.

Wow.

I mean, that is somewhere between Putin vote share and amount of Liz Trust now beyond help.

And it gets murkier, Andy, because while this investigation was underway, Global Council's list of declared clients mysteriously shrunk from 22 down to one.

And that's not the end of the Disappearing Act, because Mandelson's House of Lords register, which is where information of his various business interests should be, is now completely blank.

Spooky.

Much like him.

Ah, the children of the Parliamentary Labour Party.

What sweet music they make.

Do we know why his register disappeared?

Well, since becoming our ambassador to the US, Mandelson has gone on a leave of absence from the Lords, so his register has been wiped clean.

Okay, let's not think about Peter Mandelson wiping things clean, shall we?

No, but the point is he didn't have to take a leave of absence.

That was entirely his decision.

But making that decision is what's resulted in his register of interest being erased.

Okay, and legally speaking, the Naked Week is not implying anything from that.

Absolutely not.

What we do know is that until last month, Mandelson was still president of Global Council and chair of its international advisory board.

He has since stepped down.

So that sounds like he is trying to avoid conflicts of interest.

It does.

However, when Kierstarmer was in the US last month, Lord Mandelson joined him on a visit to the Washington, D.C.

offices of big tech firm and surface-to-air nurse botherers, Palantir.

I should say that the Naked Week contacted Lord Mandelson for comment, and though we received a statement via Downing Street, it failed to mention Mandelson, Kier Starmer or Palantir and didn't address any of the points we raised.

Well, we did email during daylight hours, so he was probably asleep.

So just to be clear, we have the current Labour Prime Minister.

and a Labour peer who's both the UK's ambassador to the USA and the former president of this lobbying firm and they just happen to be meeting with one of the former clients of that lobbying firm which just happens to have several lucrative UK government contracts.

All completely within the rules and there's nothing the regulator can do about it.

And I hope that's what people bear in mind when they reflect on this.

Oh we will Mandy.

We will.

Cat Nealon everybody!

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This is the naked week on Radio 4.

Still to come.

Trump's envoy to Russia follows his boss's latest negotiating tactic to the letter.

The guy reached down in his pants and pulled out a live turtle.

Something, something shelling the region?

No.

And after Trump imposed tariffs on British steel, Labour promised to hit back in the strongest possible way.

The Secretary of State is right to reserve the right to retaliate.

Yeah.

You hear that, America?

We're reserving the right to retaliate.

Stick that in your pipe and import, tax it.

We've burned your White House before and we'll do it again.

This week, despite the headlines about Labour's swinging cuts to the civil service, the government insisted they're not cuts, but reforms, in much the same way that this morning I reformed my finger while trying to reform a loaf of bread.

I then went to get a hair reform in Greenwich because my barber's is next door to the reformy sark.

Yes.

Yes, the reform and thrust of domestic politics has been centre-stage this week as Kierstama told civil servants that radical changes are needed to improve productivity in what he called a flabby public sector and abolished NHS England so that anyone flabby can no longer be treated for obesity.

Now, obviously, many civil servants work incredibly hard, but many also don't.

Starmer is right.

And indeed, stripping the civil service of red tape and bureaucracy was one of the first things Starmer said he wanted to achieve when he came to power.

In his speech on Thursday, talking about how there were more civil servants than ever, but less work is being done, Sir Kears said, I actually think it's weaker than it's ever been.

Do you see good value everywhere?

I don't.

Or for our younger listeners to translate that into Kim Kardashian.

It seems like nobody wants to work these days.

Get your ass up and work.

Kim Kardashian, the newly appointed Minister for Work and Pensions.

Now, NHS England is already on the way out, but what the Naked Wheat wants to know is which other government departments are currently the most inefficient and how do you set about cutting, sorry, reforming the dead wood?

Well, first of all, will you please welcome someone who knows all about deadwood?

It is Wood Whittler and former contender for Britain's best woodworker, Tim Stevenson.

Tim, how long have you been cutting deadwood?

I've been cutting dead wood for over 30 years.

We don't book anyone on this show.

Okay, is there anything that we need to know before we start this incredibly complicated metaphor about

dead wood?

One thing I've learned is that when it comes to fingers, making cuts does not improve efficiency.

Right, yes.

Point taken.

And when it comes to working with wood, it's okay if

it's got a bit of sap in it, but you don't want it too wet.

Okay, cannot be wet.

Cannot be wet.

Okay, that rules out Ed Miliband.

Good to know.

So,

in a broadcasting first, ladies and gentlemen, the Naked Week is now going to attempt something that has never been done before, topical whittling.

I cannot believe we're doing this.

Now, the government have dubbed their proposals Project Chainsaw, just a few weeks after Elon Musk waved one around on stage at a right-wing conference like a divorced dad who's just used up his birthday B ⁇ Q vouchers.

Sadly, however, because of, well, red tape and bureaucracy, we aren't allowed to have a chainsaw on our stage without filling in loads of forms that we couldn't be asked with.

So, Tim, what tools have you got?

So, these are specialist whittling tools for carving out the body of the spoon, for carving out the bowl of the spoon.

And can you tell us about the wood that we're going to be using today?

So, I'm going to be using a bit of cherry wood.

This comes from a tree that died in my local cemetery.

Oh dear, you've angered Count Mandelson.

What are you going to be whittling for us today?

I'm going to be whittling a a wooden spoon in the shape of Keir Starmer.

Just superb.

It's amazing.

And that is not all, because we are going to take the deciduous Prime Minister award and present it as a prize to the most inefficient government department.

So, who will get the actual Keir Starmer Deadwood Deadwood trophy?

To find out, please welcome the Naked Week's Inefficient Government Department correspondent, Paul Dumphy.

How's your head, Paul?

Yes, fine.

Thanks for asking.

Very good.

Thanks, Andy.

Now, so behind the scenes this week, we have been working hard, unlike some,

to work out which government department truly is the least efficient and the most deserving of the title, Deadwood.

Brilliant.

Okay, so Tim, I'm going to set you off whittling now.

Paul, while he's doing that, who is the first contender for the Naked Week's Deadwood Deadwood Award?

Well, first up, we have the Office for National Statistics.

It was reported in the Times this week that the ONS carried out quite an important survey, one that is used by the Bank of England to set interest rates with some questions that had been answered by just five respondents.

Five.

Yeah, one respondent for every 14 million people in the UK.

Or to put it another way, to determine the UK's interest rates, they basically ask the boy band five or reform before they reformed Rupert Lowe out of themselves.

Okay, having a massively important survey question answered by just five respondents does seem pretty lazy, so that is a strong start for the ONS.

Yeah, and it's not just lazy, but also it's also really, really stupid.

The Times reported that having just five respondents skewed the results, and that meant that one of the data points moved by 30%.

Okay,

that's extraordinary.

I think we have, I'm pretty sure we have over 100 people in this room.

So can I just say, audience, raise your hand if you think the ONS is deadward based on that evidence?

Okay, that is a pretty resounding yes, I think.

So I would say our survey is 20 times more statistically sound than theirs.

That's great.

But unlike them, we're not going to use it to change everyone's mortgages.

Good news.

So that's a strong start, Paul.

Who's next?

Next up, we have the energy department, who, true to their name, have been saving their energy.

Because last month they advertised for an office attendance officer who would be paid £70,000 for a job that mostly seemed to consist of encouraging colleagues to work in the office.

Okay.

Yeah, except the job ad said that the office attendance officer, whose role, remember, it was to encourage office attendance, was themselves allowed to work from home.

No!

No.

A remote office attendance officer.

That is stunning.

Wait, Fred.

Even though the job was advertised, it didn't exist.

They said they'd advertise it by mistake.

So

just to clarify, the job of keeping an eye on who turned up to work, but didn't necessarily turn up to work, was was there to be judged by someone who didn't necessarily turn up to work because there wasn't actually a job to turn up to.

Correct.

I think that's a very strong contender for the trophy.

Tim, how are you getting on with the spoon so far?

I'm carving his quiff.

It seems to be veering to the right.

Lovely.

Paul, which department do we have next?

HMRC.

Oh, lovely.

Earlier this year.

Earlier this year, the Public Accounts Committee accused HMRC of running a phone line that is deliberately poor

so that taxpayers wouldn't be able to get help over the phone.

HMRC denied it, but the committee chairman said that it was excavating its way to new lows and seems to be degrading its own services as a matter of policy.

Okay, but clearly it is too taxing to answer the phone to people whose taxes are paying you not to answer the phone.

Okay.

Before we recap, Tim, how is the great reformer of the civil service wooden spoon trophy coming along?

I'm just drawing his face in here.

Beautiful.

And, yep, here we go.

Got it finished.

Oh, look at that, ladies and gentlemen.

It's got dead eyes and he's frowning.

It's uncanny.

That is really good.

Okay, so Paul, can you recap for us the contenders for the price?

Yes.

There's HMRC taxing our patients.

The Department of Energy, energetically advertising a non-existent job, and the Office of National Statistics being statistically shit.

Okay.

I think we've ascertained we have a good sample size in the room so let's survey it now audience let's do by a show of shouts who do you think is the deadest wood shout for HMRC?

Yay!

Not bad.

Shout for the Department of Energy.

Bigger I think and shout for the Office of National Statistics.

And the winner is the Department of Energy.

So massive congratulations, Department of Energy.

You are the winners of the Naked Week Deadwood Deadwood Keir Starmer Trophy whittled from the very Deadwood your department represents.

We genuinely wanted to present the department with this trophy, but there is a problem.

We asked the civil service what would be the best way to present them with this award, and they told us this, Paul.

The government's gifts, awards, and hospitality guidelines state that civil servants must not accept gifts, awards, hospitality, or receive other benefits from anyone which might reasonably be seen to compromise their personal judgment or integrity.

The civil service code states that the key requirements of the Civil Service Management Code are that staff must take into account the principle in paragraph 4.1.3.d of the circumstances in which they need to report offers of gifts, hospitality, awards, decorations, and other benefits, and of the circumstances in which they need to seek permission before accepting them.

Which means we can't award the award for bureaucracy and red tape to the civil service department with the most bureaucracy and red tape because of the civil service bureaucracy and red tape.

Excellent stuff from everyone at the Naked Week this week.

Goodbye!

The Naked Week was hosted by Andrew Hunter Murray with guest correspondent Paul Dumphy and guests Donna Morgan and Tim Stevenson.

It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Koretic, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster, and Jason Hazley, with investigations team Cat Needlin, Louis Mian, Matt Brown, and Freya Shaw.

Additional material by Darren Phillips, Pete Redburn, Cooper Mawini Swirth, Laura Grimshaw, Phoebe Butler, and Kevin Smith.

The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

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