The Naked Week: Ep4: Spies, Uncanny Ghosts, and Christmas Crackers

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Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

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Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter-Murray, and this is the Naked Week Radio 4's brand new topical comedy.

Imagine Newscast if Elon Musk had given it a hundred hundred million quid.

On the naked week this week, after years of being laughed at and called names, Rudolph finally snaps and deals with all of the other reindeer.

They had all been decapitated.

Evan Davies' Christmas list has gotten way out of hand.

Banana, Sunrise,

table, season,

leader chair.

What's wrong with Sox Evan?

And Tuesday was Michelle Hussein's last day on the Today programme.

And towards the end of her final show, she had the greatest opportunity of her broadcasting career so far.

And yet, instead, she said...

Jeremy Hunt, thank you very much.

Michelle.

What a wasted opportunity.

Completely bottled up.

Now, the other big story this week is the revelation that yet another Chinese spy has been discovered trying to infiltrate the heart of government, or, more accurately, given Prince Andrew's involvement, the ass of Windsor.

The name's 6,

H6,

or at least it was, until an anonymity order was lifted on Monday, and we now know him to be Yang Teng Bo, who was reported to have successfully gained the confidence of Prince Andrew, which, let's be honest, is not difficult.

Anyone with a well-thumbed copy of Lolita could probably have done the same.

Now, Yang Teng Bo denies being a spy, but it is all a bit embarrassing.

So much so that the former head of MI6, Sir Richard Dearlove, genuinely said on Sky News this week, Well, I'm a bit sorry for Prince Edward LeWeb.

Quite right, Richard.

Quite right.

He might be a sex scandal-implicated waste of resources who's jeopardising national security, but he's our sex scandal-implicated waste of resources, jeopardising national security.

As much as we joke, though, Chinese infiltration in the British government and British cultural institutions is serious and ominous.

This is just one high-profile example we know about.

A Chinese government intelligence agency called the United Front Work Department currently has an estimated 40,000 agents tasked with attempting to infiltrate governments, including ours.

And it's not even just Chinese expats accused of spying for China.

Last year, 29-year-old Scott Chris Cash was charged with spying offences, which he denies, and he was an employee of Parliament's China Research Group, as in the the people who are supposed to be keeping an eye on this situation.

It's clear that when it comes to espionage, China is wiping the floor with us, and then cleaning the floor, and then polishing the floor, because they've also infiltrated the housekeeping team.

And that got us at the Naked Week thinking, how could we, a lowly Radio 4 show, do our bit for Britain's national security?

If this week's media is to be believed, China has thousands of spies in the UK, so it's high time we started recruiting some spies of our own and play them at their own game.

So in in another radio first, the Naked Week is going to recruit a spy now from our studio audience.

But what does it take?

To find out, we genuinely asked a real-life spy, and he wasn't hard to find because it's someone the controller of Radio 4 was at Oxford with.

And we asked him what does make a good spy.

Now, we have had to disguise his voice so he can't be identified.

I'm afraid the disguise was a bit too good,

So we couldn't identify any words.

So instead, we just looked at the Intelligence Services website.

And what we're going to do is find our spy the classic old-fashioned way with a convoluted parlor game and process of elimination.

So everyone in the audience who can, please, if you could stand up now.

And listeners at home, you can do this too.

Not if you're driving.

Okay, so here we go.

Criteria number one.

Field operatives need to be able to blend into a crowd.

They can't be too distinctive.

And so the intelligence services have strict rules on height.

Amy Hoggard is here with us.

Men, if you're over six foot two, and we mean in real life, not in a hinge sense,

you're going to need to sit down.

Lots of confident men.

Women, if you're over five foot eight, congratulations, but I'm sorry, you're sitting down too.

Okay, everyone who's still standing.

Not appearing too distinctive is crucial for a field agent.

So if you have tattoos that you can't easily cover or brightly coloured dyed hair, please sit down now.

And this is a Radio 4 audience, almost nobody has been affected.

Also, you cannot draw too much attention to yourself in public.

There are strict rules about drugs being sexually promiscuous and getting too drunk in public.

So, if you've ever been to a bottomless brunch at all bar one, please sit down now.

And there are still quite a few people standing.

We have a large pool of potential candidates now.

I think we're going to have to pick someone.

Amy, can you winnow it down a bit further?

I'm looking for someone with a really fine but boring face.

I'm looking in the front row.

I'm seeing you, sir.

He's trying to avoid eye contact.

He's trying to avoid eye contact, which is what a perfect spy would do.

What's your name, sir?

I'm Dan.

Dan.

Perfect.

Good spy name.

And what's your surname, please?

Briaz.

Okay, well, you've immediately ruled yourself out by giving us your first first and surname, Dan, so I'm afraid you're fired.

Thank you very much.

You can sit down to Darius, ladies and gentlemen.

And President Xi, if you are listening, they bought it.

Prepare for phase two.

Double COVID.

Too soon.

Now, just in time for Christmas, the Naked Week has been sent a box of personalized crackers.

Amy is still with me.

Amy, let's get into the festive spirit.

Let's open some of these up.

Now, who are these from?

Okay, should we pull one now?

Okay, here we go.

This one is from Kemi Badenock.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?

An invasion.

Very nice.

Thank you, Kemi.

Here's another one.

Now, this one is from Wes Streeting.

Oh, I love this one.

Why did Santa get stuck up the chimney?

And the answer, obesity cost the NHS £11 billion a year.

And government trials of weight loss drugs such as Zempic are part of Labour's long-term strategy to get overweight fictional characters back into employment to ease the pressure on working people's chimneys.

Very nice.

Okay, let's have another.

Ah, no bang.

That's an odd one.

What does it say here?

Send more ammo, you cheap bastards.

That's from President Zelensky.

Very nice.

Now, the Naked Week has been hovering at the the top of the BBC podcast chart since our first show.

And while it's mostly fans of Dead Ringers doing a hate listen, this week,

this week we were toppled like a sort of comedy assad by the powerhouse that is Radio 4's uncanny podcast as it barged into the chart with a sheet over its head for a Christmas special.

Christmas is, of course, a time traditionally for spooky stories.

So we at the Naked Week thought we'd jump on the bandwagon and thus back to the top with a ghost story that we have been investigating.

In the last few weeks, many Naked Week listeners have been in touch with tales of mysterious sightings in a town on the east coast of England.

Audience, when there's something strange in the neighborhood, who are you going to call?

Ghostbusters!

That is exactly what we did.

We called a ghost bus tour.

Please.

Welcome to the stage a paranormal expert who has worked with London's Ghost Bus Tour Company.

It's Neil Frost.

So, Neil, this is a strange and haunting tale, isn't it?

Tell us all about it.

Well, this story begins in a small seaside town on the Essex coast back in the summer of this year.

Children play on the pebble beaches, waves crash languidly on the shore, and the distant melody of an ice cream van dances delicately on the breeze.

But the events of 2024 would change the little town of Clacton-on-Sea

forever.

So, listeners from Clacton are reporting a presence in their town.

Well, yeah, this is what's odd, and it's more a lack of a presence that's haunting the residents.

This is really weird.

So, I have some of the witness accounts of the phenomenon here.

People say this strange manifestation just appeared one day and was seen shaking hands with local residents, cropping up in photos, complaining about boats.

And here's the really odd thing, Andy.

Attempts to contact the ghoul since have been met with nothing.

Sorry about that.

I think the sound engineer pressed the wrong button.

As regular listeners to The Naked Week know by now, we pride ourselves on being incredibly helpful.

So we thought we would try to contact this entity ourselves on behalf of the people of Clacton, who are also being haunted by low employment, high levels of economic inactivity, and a lack of investment in local infrastructure.

I'm going to have to fire that sound engineer.

Anyway, what we've got here to help is this.

It is the Naked Week Ouija board.

Great.

So, we have an upturned glass here.

Now, to further attract the apparition, it's a pint glass with a Spitfire painted on it.

Could we please, for a better connection to the other side, could we dim the studio lights a little?

I don't know about you.

I think something special could be about to happen here.

Okay, now, if you would like to, you can hold hands.

Although, as a BBC presenter, I'd like to make it very clear you don't have to.

All right, we're going to see if we can make contact now.

So,

mysterious vanished figure, are you there?

Oh, disappearing entity, what is your name?

The glass is moving, ladies and gentlemen.

It's N

I

G.

I think we can all see where this is going.

E

L Nigel.

Nigel, I'm going to ask you a question on behalf of the people of Clacton.

Why have you been to America six times in the five months that you've been an MP?

I think we've angered it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Frost and ghosting the people of Clacton, Nigel Farage.

You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time once again to take a quiet stroll in the topical garden of current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in haikus.

Royal Mail bought by Czechoslovakian.

The Czech is in the post.

The news

in haikus.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed-from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Want to stop engine problems before they start?

Pick up a can of C-Foam Motor Treatment.

SeaFoam helps engines start easier, run smoother, and last longer.

Trusted by millions every day, C-Foam is safe and easy to use in any engine.

Just pour it in your fuel tank.

Make the proven choice with C-Foam.

Available everywhere.

Automotive products are sold.

Seafoam!

On Thursday this week, Parliament sat for the last time before the festive break.

To celebrate, Kemmi Badenock brought in her favourite lunch, the traditional Christmas steak.

And meanwhile, over in the House of Lords, the peers conducted their seasonal sweepsteak to see which of them would survive the winter.

But Christmas is also the time of year to remember absent friends.

And none are more absent in Westminster than MPs who've lost their seats.

And right now, if you're thinking, hang on, is this going to be another swan dive into a vat of mulled wine marked Chateau de Lobbying?

Yes, it is.

In previous episodes, we have looked at gambling companies, financial consultancy firms, civil service appointments, and labor think tanks.

And now it's time to shine a festive light on former parliamentarians.

So I'm joined once again by the Naked Week's very own Krampus, Adam McQueen.

Adam, first of all, what do you need to do to become a lobbyist?

Well, you need to buy a nice suit.

Is that it?

Pretty much.

Okay, Adam Adam and Queen, everyone.

The only thing you really need to do is to register with something called the Office of the Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists.

Then off you go.

Although, obviously, it will help if you know your way around the corridors of Westminster and have a contact book heavy enough to knock out one of Santa's elves.

And the Naked Week in no way endorses that kind of seasonal thuggery.

XMPs turning to lobbying and consulting is basically a Gamekeeper-turned poacher situation.

It's an easy career move, not least because, and this fact never gets any less weird no matter how many times you hear it, all former MPs, if they want to, get to keep their security pass that gets them into the houses of parliament forever.

Forever.

It's like an MP is for life, not just for Christmas.

Unless they're Boris Johnson, because he got his confiscated for throwing parties when the grown-ups are out.

But plenty of sitting MPs have raised concerns about lobbying, and not just any sitting MPs.

Here's what former Prime Minister and shop soil Jilly Cooper protagonist David Cameron said about political lobbying just a few months before he trotted into Downing Street in 2010.

It's the next big scandal waiting to happen.

It's an issue that frankly has tainted our politics for too long.

I'm talking about lobbying, and we all know how it works.

The lunches, the hospitality, the quiet word in the ear, the ex-ministers and ex-advisors for hire, helping big businesses find the right way to get its way.

So it must have come as a hell of a shock to, for example, David Cameron when 11 years later this happened.

The government has ordered an independent inquiry into the lobbying work work by former Prime Minister David Cameron on behalf of the finance firm Greens Hill Capital.

Okay, but this is old news.

I mean, that is literally old news.

That was Jon Snow.

Look, Andy, they asked me to make this as Christmassy as I could.

Snow is about the best I can do.

The point is that since this sort of thing was good enough for the Conservatives' former, former, former, former, former leader, it's hardly surprising that plenty of Tory MPs who left Parliament this summer have slid straight into consulting and lobbying jobs.

Who are we talking about here?

MPs such as former Tory Transport Secretary Anne-Marie Trevelyan and Tory Party Chairman Sir Jake Berry, or as we're obliged to call him in this episode, Sir Jake Cranberry.

Adam.

Adam, no.

So just don't fight it.

It'll be easier.

Anyway, both of them bagged jobs at Fulbrook Strategies, which is a lobbying firm set up by Liz Truss's former chief of staff.

Okay, you can't argue with that kind of track record, though.

You cannot, no, and you wouldn't want to argue with them either.

Seeing as earlier this year, Fulbright Strategies was lobbying on behalf of a subsidiary of an investment firm partly owned by two sanctioned Russian oligarchs.

And more recently, they've been working on behalf of the international firearms manufacturer, Sig Sauer.

Well, they sound lovely.

But now the Tories are in the wilderness, these guys are a small fry.

I mean, cozing up to opposition backbenchers is going to do nobody any good, I presume.

At the moment, it's a bit of a waste of time and money.

If you want to get anything done in Westminster these days, then just as Cameron was the top hire when the Tories were in power, you need to be employing one of the firms run by a labour big beast.

And this is where the former parliamentarians' lobbying gets really interesting, Andy, because labour big beasts don't get much bigger or beastlier than, wait for it, Peter O cum, o cum Immandelson.

That is not acceptable, Andy.

No, I'm sorry.

Although he's just got a very nice Christmas present, he's just been announced ambassador to the USA.

Yay!

Yay!

In 2016, Lord Mandelson helped set up Global Council, a consulting firm with a specific focus on clients who are, quote, working with public policy change.

So when you say clients, what sort of clients are we talking about and what do they want?

Well, top of the Christmas tree, time-wasting social media giant TikTok, the Chinese-owned platform who are ticked and presumably talked off

about Britain's brand new online safety act and are lobbying against it.

Okay, so just to be clear, the consultancy firm set up by Peter Madelson, the most labor-eyed laborite who ever laboured, is now lobbying against the Labour government.

Essentially, yes.

But perhaps the most interesting of Global Council's clients is Water UK, which is the trade association which represents all the big water companies.

So that's the same water companies which last year were responsible for almost half a million instances of sewage spillage and for turning Britain's rivers into a physical representation of Elon Musk-era Twitter.

Now, of course, the only thing better than having one ex-Labour cabinet minister lobbying on your behalf would be two ex-Labour cabinet ministers.

So it's pretty handy that the current chair of Water UK just happens to be a woman called Ruth Kelly, who held six different ministerial posts under New Labour, which makes her a leading character in the TBEU.

That's the Tony Blair extended universe.

So Big Sewage has got some big names behind it.

Okay, but the government genuinely is trying to crack down on water companies, as far as I understand it, as in their manifesto suggested legislation to bring criminal charges against companies dumping waste and blocking large bonuses for executives of those companies.

That sort of thing, yeah.

But actually, this is a great example of why knowing about lobbying is important.

Because thanks to this weird Westminster bubble of peers and consultants and former MPs, Keir Starmer and Co.

are currently spending taxpayers' money fighting some of their own Labour predecessors over a Labour manifesto pledge.

Ultimately, Adam, the only question that matters is: is this lobbying by Mandelson's company on behalf of the water industry working?

Well, the legislation continued its journey through the Commons just last week, and campaigners are pointing out that compared to Labour's original plans, this latest version of the bill has been significantly, and I'm sorry, there's simply no other way of saying this, watered down.

You could say shitted up.

Yeah, that could do it.

Christmas miracle.

Adam McQueen, everybody.

Just time now for a few more quick Christmas crackers.

This one from former post office boss Paula Venels.

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?

I can't remember

if I was ever told what Santa said to the toys.

It was on the advice of others.

And I'm sorry if the toys feel they were misled.

I have another.

This from it's from Benjamin Netanyahu.

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in a hospital?

It's not a hospital, it's a Hamas command center

and a legitimate target.

Now, as it's the season of goodwill, we wanted to share something genuinely heartwarming that happened recently to some very good friends of ours.

We don't normally boast here at GB News, but you know what?

For once, I am going to, because on the racings, we have beaten not only Sky News, but the BBC News channel as well.

He's back, the Clacton Poltergeist himself there on multicoloured Fury Shop GB News.

But it turns out Farage is right.

For a brief period recently, GBBs did indeed overtake the establishment heavy hitters in the ratings.

And fair play to them, this is the biggest win for the flag-waving firebrands since 2022, when the channel was launched by Andrew Neal with all the pomp and ceremony of a dog walker launching a small plastic bag into a hedge.

Unfortunately though, celebrations are short-lived because of the whopping £100,000 fine that the regulator recently dropped on them, taking into account 12 separate breaches of broadcasting standards.

And according to reports, they also owe their parent company £83 million.

Now, GB News is challenging Ofcom's ruling and is already exploring some loopholes in their broadcasting code, like shifting some of their fruitier presenters onto their YouTube channel where Ofcom can't police them.

But at least they are now taking a proactive approach to regulations rather than just ignoring them as they normally do.

And the naked weak wants to help.

Genuinely, we really do.

We really do.

Because just like GB News, we have to obey Ofcom too.

Every program does.

We're all in this together, through Esther McVeigh and Thin.

So rather than dodge around the regulator, we're happy to assist any fellow broadcasters who might want to diversify their output.

And to assist us with this, please welcome media consultant and founding director of standards at actual Ofcom, Chris Banatvala.

I expect most people here are familiar with some of Ofcom's rules.

There are rules about nudity, bad language, not letting Robert Peston have scissors, that kind of thing.

But here is our first helpful idea.

GB News needs to raise some cash, clearly.

Hypothetically, could they change tack and become a home shopping channel?

I'm thinking great bargains news.

It's a thought.

But they'd first have to change their license.

They're an editorial channel, so they'd have to turn themselves into a teleshopping channel.

And it also depends on what they're selling.

But most importantly, if they're a teleshopping channel, they've got to make sure they don't mislead the audience, because after all, they are selling stuff.

And I do, in fact, have one of GB News' home shopping products here.

It's a scent.

It's for men and women.

It's called English Chanel.

It's very nice.

Unfortunately, you can't get any out.

There's a blockade across the top of the bottle, but it's lovely.

All right, here's another pivot for GB News.

I'm thinking pretty straightforward this one: premium rate pornography.

So it's gorgeous Babes News now.

It's like Babe Station, but it's patriotic.

What do you think?

BabeStation?

Yeah.

Really?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't know, but yeah.

It's interesting.

It's an interesting thought.

I think the thing with those stations, they used to be registered and regulated in EU countries like the Netherlands.

But now, anyone broadcasting in the UK has to have an Ofcom license because of Brexit.

So thanks, Nigel Sfarage.

Bay Station is in the UK and Ofcom compliant.

That is as a Naked Week exclusive.

We have found a genuine, tangible benefit of Brexit.

We have taken back control of our filth.

Great.

I've never been prouder.

Okay, Chris, we have one more suggestion for GB News that we'd like your opinion on.

We think this might be a genuine money spinner.

Now, earlier in the show, we used a Ouija board to contact Nigel Farage.

That got us thinking.

10 or 15 years ago, you used to be able to ring up weird freeview channels.

There were things like Psychic Today.

There are limits to what these psychic-type programs can do.

They have to be for entertainment purposes only.

They can't pretend to be real.

So my advice is to be careful if you're contacting the dead, conducting exorcisms, practicing clairvoyance, Satanism, invoking spirits, or just simply using a Ouija board.

Okay, so this is a bit awkward because our Ouija board, we did use it.

Were you contacting the dead?

We were contacting Nigel Farage.

Well, that's all right.

Okay, great.

Okay, the Naked Week Ouija board is in the clear.

That's confirmed.

But could you have presenters on GB News, ghost-bothering news, very nice, claiming they are actually channeling the dead?

No, and anyway, it would have to be objective.

Okay.

So I presume not like when they did this.

What must Martin Luther King be thinking as he spins in his grave?

George V would be spinning in his grave.

Walt Disney and his father would be turning in their graves.

Margaret Thatcher will be spinning in her grave.

Suffragettes are spinning in their graves.

Princess Diana would be spinning in her grave.

The Queen, obviously, you know, arguably the greatest ever living Brit, will no doubt be turning in her grave.

To say that Roald Dahl is spinning in his grave is an understatement.

Part of me wants to resurrect Winston Churchill and present him with a screaming blue and pink head non-binary furry.

That escalated very fast.

Now, Chris, hypothetically, would a resurrected Winston Churchill presenting a primetime show on GB News fall foul of Ofcom?

I think it really depends on whether it's news or entertainment.

Chris, they've resurrected Winston Churchill.

It's clearly news.

Okay, I think we've really helped clarify Ofcom's rules.

So if you are listening, GB News, you can have these ideas for free.

Not least because we know you cannot afford to pay for them.

Thank you, Chris Benavala.

Now, as we were saying, we tried to contact Nigel Farage with a Ouija board, and that is one of the weirdest sentences we've ever said, even on this show.

One of the reasons he may be hard to get hold of in his constituency is because he's a very busy man.

The first month he was an MP, he received almost £100,000 from GB News for his show, Nigel Farage's Alt-Right Circle Jerk.

He's also a popular after-dinner speaker, banking thousands per gig.

And now even Elon Musk is stuffing his beer-sodden hamster cheeks with cash.

But

what piqued our interest the most was the money that old Nigel makes on a celebrity video message platform.

His constituents often complain their calls are going unanswered.

Some say they cannot get a reply with him for love nor money.

But that is where they are wrong.

Because you can get a message from Nigel Farage.

Not for love, but certainly for money.

For 75 quid, Nigel will read out any message you like.

And according to the the Register of Members' Interests, he's earned £38,000 from this public service in the last year.

Except it's now £38,075

because what he didn't know was that this message request came from his ever-helpful friends at the Naked Week.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally succeeded in contacting Nigel, and here he is with an actual message for me about the Naked Week.

Hi, Andy.

Congrats on the new role.

You are doing doing a smashing job.

Keep up the great work.

There's nothing like a new job.

It just gives you the energy that you need in life to go out there and succeed.

So Andy, please do it.

Thanks, Nigel.

Credit where it's due.

He did exactly what we wanted.

That's brilliant.

And it also brings us to the end of this week's show.

So, Nigel, will you help me do the honours?

Let's make this happen.

You've been listening to the Naked Week team of Andrew, Amy, John, Gareth, Katie, Sarah, Jason, Alan, and Lily.

With additional nakedness from Mark Haynes and Carl Minnes with Darren Phillips, Cooper Mwinny Swirt, and Phoebe Butler, with guests Neil Frost and Chris Bannett Mala.

As everyone, while I'm here, lots of love from producer and director John Holmes.

It was an unusual production for BBC Radio 4 and from all of us at the Naked Week.

Please have a very happy Christmas.

Goodbye!

Strong message here from BBC Radio 4.

A brand new series stress testing to destruction the buzzwords and phrases used and abused by politicians.

Hawk barrel politics.

Red state.

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Sports washer.

Strong and stable.

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What do they actually mean?

I'm Amanda Nucci.

And I'm Helen Lewis.

And like a couple of disgraced stage magicians recently kicked out of the magic circle, we'll be revealing all the verbal tricks of the trade.

And singling out the worst examples of political doublespeak.

Strong message here from BBC Radio 4.

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Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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