The Naked Week: Ep 3. Prisons, Syria, and Kemi's Catchphrase.

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Speaker 3 BBC Sounds. Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Speaker 3 Oh, love it.

Speaker 5 Hello, and welcome to The Naked Week, Radio 4's new topical comedy.

Speaker 8 Imagine question time if Fiona Bruce have been toppled by rebels.

Speaker 8 This week, on the naked week, Nigel Farage has been working on his impression of a hungry baby.

Speaker 12 Wants some milk.

Speaker 10 Proper bloody milk, not left-wing options, proper milk. What's wrong with me asking for that?

Speaker 15 On the Today programme, Nick Robinson swallows a condom full of cocaine.

Speaker 16 If it goes through, the question then will be where it goes next.

Speaker 17 It often is.

Speaker 18 Reforms Lee Anderson explains that his friends don't need women.

Speaker 20 My mate's got one of these simulators in his bedroom.

Speaker 5 And wait, what did Sky News's Trevor Phillips just call Angela Rainer?

Speaker 23 Angela Raina, the black-legged kit awake.

Speaker 11 Leave it, Trev. She's not worth it.

Speaker 24 And I'm beginning to suspect that politicians and journalists have a bet on to see who can squeeze the most comedy catchphrase references into their interviews.

Speaker 1 For example, here is Shadow Chancellor Mel Stride.

Speaker 16 It is a dead parrot, okay? It has ceased to exist.

Speaker 27 It is pushing up the daisies.

Speaker 22 And this was Keir Starmer channeling OnlyFools and Horses.

Speaker 29 No income tax, no VAT.

Speaker 30 No money back, no guarantee.

Speaker 13 Keir, you plonker.

Speaker 32 But they weren't the only ones going catchphrase crazy because the Tories woke buster in chief, Kemi Badenock, has been in the USA to renew links with the Republican Party, and it was there that she told the trumped-up throng.

Speaker 34 I don't like using the word woke to describe these issues.

Speaker 35 I use progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 34 before going on to say, but for some reason, progressive authoritarianism is not catching on.

Speaker 32 No, Kemi, no, because as a catchphrase, it is hardly up there with, am I bothered, is it?

Speaker 33 But we are bothered because we at the Naked Week are nothing if not supportive.

Speaker 18 And we think that with our help, this time next week, your new catchphrase could be on mugs, magnets, posters.

Speaker 30 Progressive authoritarianism will be on the lips of kids and playgrounds everywhere, as they all do the progressive authoritarianism TikTok dance.

Speaker 18 We say let's start the campaign now.

Speaker 32 I can tell that our studio audience is up for it. So, here's how we're going to get it started.

Speaker 6 Let's do a classic catchphrase-style audience call and response. So, let's start with: nice to see you, to see you.

Speaker 4 Progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 12 Lovely.

Speaker 14 What do points make? Progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 8 Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be

Speaker 14 brilliant. Our survey said...

Speaker 17 Happy to help, Kemi. Happy to help.

Speaker 18 We've all seen the extraordinary scenes in Syria this past week.

Speaker 41 The downfall of a brutal, decades-long regime and the rise of another

Speaker 41 one.

Speaker 5 It's too soon to say.

Speaker 18 It might be fine.

Speaker 15 It might be worse. Middle Eastern politics is like jazz.

Speaker 1 It's complex. It's unpredictable.

Speaker 37 And people who are really into it are no fun to be around.

Speaker 42 But the most striking thing about this whole story was how fast the rebels swept across the country.

Speaker 40 Two weeks ago, Aleppo taken.

Speaker 2 Islamist fighters have taken over Aleppo.

Speaker 41 Last Friday, Hama taken.

Speaker 34 Entered the city of Hama.

Speaker 25 Saturday, Homs taken.

Speaker 44 They are now in full control of the city of Homs.

Speaker 25 Sunday, Damascus, taken.

Speaker 2 Seized control of Damascus.

Speaker 37 Monday, Liam Neeson, taken.

Speaker 16 But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Speaker 30 Sorry, sorry. That was me on Netflix.

Speaker 1 But just like that, it was all over.

Speaker 25 And it was time up for Assad, who hastily grabbed his inflatable travel pillow and anti-Novitroc medication

Speaker 47 and escaped to Moscow

Speaker 15 to join fellow expats Edward Snowden, Stephen Sigal, and Gerard Depardieu in what will either be the best or worst podcast ever made.

Speaker 22 The House Arrest is Politics.

Speaker 10 Yes!

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 20 You are very generous people.

Speaker 9 And seeing the opposition military taking cities and towns with breathtaking speed, the Naked Week team started wondering, how do you actually do it?

Speaker 33 How do you take a town?

Speaker 25 And could it be done here?

Speaker 32 How would rebel forces go about capturing, say, Nuneaton?

Speaker 20 And that's not a random choice, by the way.

Speaker 31 Nuneaton is a crucial bellwether seat in most elections.

Speaker 18 It's a vital strategic political stronghold.

Speaker 44 As Professor Sir John Curtis himself once said, Nuneaton is the Homs of Warwickshire.

Speaker 24 So let's talk military strategy now.

Speaker 18 Please welcome to join our Chief Correspondent Amy and me, former British Military Intelligence Officer Philip Ingram.

Speaker 41 So before we get to Nuneaton, this stuff of taking cities, how actually do you take a city?

Speaker 51 The best way to take anything is to do it without a fight.

Speaker 51 So you want to try and put as much pressure as you can can to force those that are in there to realise that it's hopeless and time for them to move on somewhere else.

Speaker 32 Okay, so let's say, for the sake of argument, that there's a violent political and military uprising in the West Midlands.

Speaker 30 Stranger things have happened.

Speaker 52 I live in the West Midlands, so yes.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 18 And those forces are being led by firebrand Islamist rebel Amy Hoggett.

Speaker 52 Whoop whoop.

Speaker 41 whose soldiers are, as we speak, bearing down on Nuneaton.

Speaker 49 Now, we actually have here in the room an ordnance survey map map of Nuneaton town centre.

Speaker 20 Let us just game this out.

Speaker 26 Let's say I'm the sitting president and maybe it's been a decades-long despotic reign of terror.

Speaker 19 Maybe actually I'm really just misunderstood and I'm a good guy and I did actually win 140% in that last election.

Speaker 10 Sure.

Speaker 19 Either way, I'm going to be controlling my government forces while holed up in the Rope Walk shopping centre and I'm going to be making TK Max my stronghold.

Speaker 11 Can we go over to the map?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 53 All I've ever wanted to do is push little things around a map, and now we're here and we're doing it.

Speaker 55 Nuneaton is here.

Speaker 55 Okay, so right, let's game this out a little bit.

Speaker 54 So I have here a can of Lynx body spray with my face taped to it to represent the classic massive autocratic statue of the dictator.

Speaker 20 So I'm going to put that here.

Speaker 55 It's Lynx Syria.

Speaker 52 It's a new...

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 53 Now we're going to have some Lego people to represent the armed forces.

Speaker 54 So Amy is going to be potentially coming down from Tamworth.

Speaker 3 Well, I don't want you to know.

Speaker 21 No, okay.

Speaker 24 See, she knows the plan.

Speaker 10 She knows how to do this.

Speaker 52 You could be coming up from Bulking.

Speaker 3 But then I'm off the map.

Speaker 25 Bedworth is gone. That's the main thing.

Speaker 56 Philip, what should I, President Murray, do to secure my stronghold against Amy?

Speaker 25 Right.

Speaker 51 Have you got defense and depth, or are you stuck in this in TK Max?

Speaker 56 We have the high point, which is, I think, the old slag heat.

Speaker 13 Mount Mount Judd. We've got Mount Judd.

Speaker 33 Okay, where should

Speaker 54 Amy be concentrating her attention and fighting? Let's say I'm not going to go quiet.

Speaker 3 It's a KFC near the train station. Yes.
So I just thought I'd re-punch the troops, then cut off the supply.

Speaker 51 Logistics, that's brilliant.

Speaker 51 Wars are won or lost on logistics, so tick, yes.

Speaker 57 Thank you.

Speaker 3 I think there's a pound land on the marketplace.

Speaker 10 Yep.

Speaker 3 So I can stock up on artillery.

Speaker 3 And then I'm going to go down to Riversley Park. There's the Nuneaton Museum and an art gallery.
So then I'll control all the state-sponsored propaganda.

Speaker 53 Where can I, former beloved, misunderstood President Murray, flee?

Speaker 31 As I went to Moscow, can I make it onto the M69 M69 and get to Leicester?

Speaker 53 Well,

Speaker 51 you might be able to, but what's in Leicester for you?

Speaker 4 You need to get a son.

Speaker 52 A question so many have.

Speaker 13 Exactly.

Speaker 5 So, Nuneaton has fallen, and what we've learned is that even in a hypothetical scenario, a man has been forced out of a job to make way for a woman. Typical.
So much for equality.

Speaker 32 Even war gaming is woke these days.

Speaker 52 Isn't that right, Kemi?

Speaker 34 I use progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 35 Thank you, Cammie.

Speaker 4 Brilliant. Thank you for it.

Speaker 18 Time now for a quick look through the highlights in the Christmas Radio Times that's just hit the shelves.

Speaker 20 Lovely.

Speaker 20 Okay, now let's just have a little look through.

Speaker 18 Christmas Eve, there is a special episode of Jacob Reese Mogg's new reality show, Christmas at Home with the Mogs.

Speaker 15 It says here, join former MP and spectral umbrella Jacob

Speaker 25 as his haunted brood gather round the tree to open their trust funds and roast orphans on an open fire.

Speaker 30 That's lovely.

Speaker 52 Great. Amy, what have you found?

Speaker 3 BBC One's big family animation is The Boy, the Mole, The Lawrence Fox, and the Horse.

Speaker 3 This is a heartwarming tale of friendship, respect, and kindness. Completely spoiled when Lawrence Fox calls the horse a paedophile on Twitter.

Speaker 49 I'll set my recorder.

Speaker 41 Christmas Day morning, this sounds really special.

Speaker 21 Strictly Wolf Hall.

Speaker 40 Claudia Winkleman and psychic Mark Rylance balletically execute all the on-screen talent that's embarrassed the BBC over the past year.

Speaker 3 And here on Radio 4 on Boxing Day, it's the Christmas festive edition of Feedback.

Speaker 2 And we've got a preview.

Speaker 58 I'm sorry, but it's just not funny.

Speaker 2 Boring, boring, boring.

Speaker 59 Nevertheless, I'm outraged.

Speaker 29 We've switched off after 12 minutes.

Speaker 16 It was all so terribly feeble.

Speaker 59 And also something that sounds like intellectual snobbery.

Speaker 16 Surely the BBC can do better than this.

Speaker 15 And those were all messages that came into Feedback about feedback.

Speaker 47 Magical.

Speaker 24 This is The Naked Week on Radio 4, and we are still trying to get Kemi Badenock's call and response audience catchphrase to catch on.

Speaker 34 I don't like using the word woke.

Speaker 35 I use progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 18 Let's just try it one more time.

Speaker 41 Heidi high.

Speaker 32 Izzy Wizzy, let's get. Progressive authorities.

Speaker 6 I've started so well. Progressive authorities.

Speaker 9 It's time now to just take a quiet moment in the Naked Week's topical garden of contemplation.

Speaker 15 It's the news in haikus.

Speaker 40 Storms batter Britain.

Speaker 9 Christmas comes early.

Speaker 50 You've just gained a trampoline.

Speaker 50 The news in haikus.

Speaker 37 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Speaker 61 Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

Speaker 37 In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Speaker 62 Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 48 Now, throughout the series, The Naked Week has been looking at government lobbying.

Speaker 48 And as we've learned, if you stare long enough into government lobbying, something suspicious will stare back into you.

Speaker 24 Despite our efforts, however, we have so far failed to bring down the government.

Speaker 49 Syrian rebels won Naked Week nil.

Speaker 33 So we thought we would give it one more crack.

Speaker 32 As the old saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, you'll probably lose Truss.

Speaker 31 I'm joined once again by The Naked Week's Adam McQueen.

Speaker 15 Adam, we talked last week about think tanks and ethics and spads.

Speaker 10 Oh my.

Speaker 50 And I suppose to some extent, that's its own weird, grotty little ecosystem like a stagnant puddle or ITV.

Speaker 10 But people

Speaker 50 are probably more familiar with lobbying when it comes to dishing out lucrative government contracts.

Speaker 25 Is that fair?

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 58 Things like the PPE scandal during COVID. Not Matt Hancock's finest hour.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 49 Although when was Matt Hancock's finest hour?

Speaker 50 I mean, they all featured Matt Hancock.

Speaker 26 So anyway, PPE procurement has been back in the news, hasn't it?

Speaker 58 It has. Just this month, Rachel Reeves appointed a COVID corruption commissioner.

Speaker 31 Big moment for fans of needlessly alliterative job titles.

Speaker 58 And to be fair to the Chancellor, cleaning up government is something she's demonstrably passionate about. Here she is wielding the opposition pressure washer back in 2021.

Speaker 43 The government chose to prioritise contracts for friends, for donors, and a handful of large companies and the whole cabinet. They've just gone along with all of it.

Speaker 50 Adam, what type of large companies was she railing against there?

Speaker 58 Well, those PPE companies for one.

Speaker 58 But the Conservative government also gave other contracts to companies like, say, Price Waterhouse Coopers, or PWC, which is a multinational auditing and accounting firm who had donated over half a million in what they called staff costs and consultancy services to the Tories when they were in opposition.

Speaker 41 Oh, consultancy, costs, auditing, accounting.

Speaker 20 It's sexy talk, Adam.

Speaker 48 Pass me Martin Lewis and a cold flannel.

Speaker 58 Steady yourself, Anna, because a decade later, when the Tories were clearly heading for the exit, Price Waterhouse Coopers started donating to Labour instead.

Speaker 26 How much are we talking?

Speaker 58 Over £300,000 in staff costs between January 2021 and June 2024.

Speaker 58 So that's shortly after Party Gate, right up to the moment where Rishi Sunak dissolved both Parliament and himself in the rain outside number 10.

Speaker 19 Okay, but donations are perfectly fine.

Speaker 25 The Chancellor doesn't seem to object to those.

Speaker 19 Her concern was, let's have it again, Rachel.

Speaker 43 What was it? Contracts for friends, for donors, and a handful of large companies.

Speaker 38 Okay, so presumably, under a Labour government, there will be none of what to the uninitiated could look like kind of cash for contracts.

Speaker 58 That's correct, Andy. There wasn't any of that.

Speaker 21 Terrific.

Speaker 10 Well, that's great. For the first month.
Oh, right.

Speaker 58 And then on the 9th of August this year, the Department for Energy, Security and Net Zero awarded Price Waterhouse Coopers a contract worth up to £8 million.

Speaker 58 Well, that was. And just four days after that, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs handed PwC another contract worth over £300,000.

Speaker 58 Okay, but if you... And last month, the Ministry of Defence gave them yet another contract worth £270,000.

Speaker 58 So after just six months of a Labour government, a prominent Labour-donating consultancy firm is already up around 9 million quid.

Speaker 25 Okay, so what we're saying is the Tories were hard at it, and now Labour are hard at it, too.

Speaker 10 Well, perhaps.

Speaker 58 But PWC isn't the only company to benefit. There's also Ernst - Young, another multinational, covering, wait for it, mergers and acquisitions, tax services, and financial auditing.

Speaker 17 Martin Lewis is going to need another flannel.

Speaker 58 Ernst ⁇ Young also gave money to Labour before the election and have subsequently received government contracts worth millions.

Speaker 28 Okay, so to be clear, nobody is suggesting that Ernst Young and PWC weren't qualified for or unable to deliver those contracts, but we know how the Chancellor felt when, Rachel.

Speaker 43 The government chose to prioritise contracts for donors.

Speaker 25 She seems dead against it. That and pensioners heating their homes.

Speaker 30 But.

Speaker 58 Well, it's funny you should bring up Rachel Reeves again, because back in August, she tried to appoint a man named Ian Caulfield to a senior civil service job in the Treasury.

Speaker 58 And that was the same Ian Caulfield, who, as it happened, had previously donated £5,000

Speaker 52 to Rachel Reeves.

Speaker 53 So do you just mean to the Labour Party?

Speaker 58 No, I mean to Rachel Reeves directly. And she would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling people who noticed.

Speaker 38 That is not actually illegal.

Speaker 21 No, no, no, true.

Speaker 58 It's sleazy, but it's not illegal. Which, by the way, is also the motto of Eton College.

Speaker 58 Apparently, it sounds better in Latin.

Speaker 64 But Ian Caulfield isn't the only example, by the way.

Speaker 58 There's also Emily Middleton.

Speaker 58 Before the election, the consultancy firm where she worked worked paid 67 000 pounds to second her to the office of peter kyle mp and when he became science secretary in kierstama's government she was coincidentally appointed to a civil service job as a director in his department okay you said coincidentally is there a chance it is just a complete coincidence

Speaker 10 yes

Speaker 13 thank god for that

Speaker 58 shortly after her new role was confirmed the very same peter kyle held a meeting with the then government chief digital officer mike potter a freedom of information request by the naked week has uncovered what was said in that meeting.

Speaker 45 The Secretary of State and Mike Potter discussed Emily Middleton as an excellent addition to the department.

Speaker 45 The Secretary of State was keen to support bringing in top talent where his personal impact would help.

Speaker 25 Okay, so if it is a coincidence, it's a very big one.

Speaker 58 A thousand to one shot. Okay.
Or you might say maybe a 67,000 to one shot. That would be nice.

Speaker 25 So just to clarify what we have here, in addition to a private donor coming within inches of a job in Rachel Reeves' treasury, we've got a consultancy firm cozying up to a cabinet minister who appears happy to directly influence civil service appointments.

Speaker 58 And the naked week is making no suggestion of impropriety.

Speaker 30 Has our lawyer told you to say that?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 13 This is all a bit like what we were talking about last week.

Speaker 58 That's right. If you remember last time, we had Jess Sargent, who was a former staffer from a Labour think tank, being wangled into a job in the Cabinet Office by obscure procedural loopholes.

Speaker 39 So is there anyone actually scrutinising civil service appointments?

Speaker 17 Oh, yes.

Speaker 58 It's an independent, executive, non-departmental public body called the Civil Service Commission.

Speaker 20 They sound fun?

Speaker 58 Crazy name, crazy guys. This is how they describe themselves.

Speaker 45 We are established by statute to provide assurance that civil servants are selected on merit on the basis of fair and open competition.

Speaker 58 And in the spirit of fair and open competition, they examined the appointment of Jess Sargent.

Speaker 20 And that job was never advertised.

Speaker 58 And yeah, that's a fair and open competition of one. Got it.
And they also looked at the appointment of minister's mate Emily Middleton at the Department of Science, and they concluded that they were.

Speaker 45 Largely satisfied with processes in place within departments.

Speaker 40 Largely satisfied.

Speaker 53 I don't know what we're all still doing here.

Speaker 18 That's fine.

Speaker 25 That's largely reassuring, isn't it?

Speaker 39 But do we know what Kier Starmer, what's special K himself, makes of all this?

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 64 he certainly has views on the civil service.

Speaker 17 Trying to get it going.

Speaker 58 He's certainly got views on the civil service, Andy. It's just not entirely clear what they actually are.
This was him during last week's milestone speech.

Speaker 29 I do think that too many people in Whitehall are comfortable in the tepid bath of managed decline.

Speaker 33 The tepid bath.

Speaker 58 Andy, you're thinking about Martin Lewis's fannel again, aren't you?

Speaker 28 I certainly am. Adam McQueen, everybody.

Speaker 39 You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4.

Speaker 7 In the news this week, Keir Starmer has advice for beginners on how to join your local public toilet cottaging group.

Speaker 21 Maybe starts online or in a stall and then goes from there.

Speaker 48 The Today programme's Nick Robinson is disappointed by a sheep.

Speaker 16 I was left at the end of it thinking, not woolly.

Speaker 8 And Amul Rajan is asked to describe his ideal Christmas dinner.

Speaker 57 A Cuban cigar, very small bits of rubber, and turkey.

Speaker 18 While on Good Morning Britain, Richard Madeley described the suspect in the New York assassination case while simultaneously sounding like he was trying to impress a waiter in Bella Italia.

Speaker 44 He is 26, 26-year-old Luigi Maggioni.

Speaker 44 Are you all right, Richard?

Speaker 20 Do you need us to call someone?

Speaker 26 Maybe we should refer to all assassination suspects like that.

Speaker 36 I'll have the Leah Harvey Oswald with the side of John Wiltshire Booth and the bloke who shot John Elennon with olives.

Speaker 42 So, while Syrian prisoners were being released this week, in the UK, there came news that the backlog of cases in the nation's Crown Courts is expected to reach 100,000.

Speaker 18 There's a shortage of barristers, a shortage of prison cells, and also in the news this week, a shortage of Guinness.

Speaker 1 Which is not relevant to the first two, but we really needed three.

Speaker 25 Earlier this year, with jails at capacity, the government's decision to give prisoners early release seemed reasonable.

Speaker 60 But on Monday, it was reported that a committee in the Lords found Labour completely failed to anticipate the consequences of releasing dangerous prisoners back into the country.

Speaker 7 It's a catch-22.

Speaker 19 Not having cells available is worsening the backlog, but freeing them up by giving domestic abusers a packed lunch for the bus home isn't ideal.

Speaker 39 It's like the shortlist for BBC's Sports Personality of the Year coming down to a choice between Jermaine Genus and a soil jockstrap.

Speaker 19 So why are UK prisons so full and are any of the assassins in them hot?

Speaker 31 Well, one of the reasons the prisons are overcrowded is the legacy of IPPs or indefinite detainment for public protection orders by which minor criminals who might have otherwise only got a couple of months could be sentenced for up to 99 years.

Speaker 60 There are thousands of examples.

Speaker 15 Here is just one.

Speaker 18 Martin Myers, who at time of recording has spent more than 18 years in prison after being given an IPP for attempting to steal a cigarette.

Speaker 40 Attempting.

Speaker 8 He didn't even succeed.

Speaker 38 He has been in prison for two decades for not stealing a cigarette.

Speaker 19 Now, in 2012, the European Convention on Human Rights ruled IPPs were unlawful and abolished them.

Speaker 15 But it wasn't applied retrospectively to the 3,000 prisoners serving them at the time, and 1,000 of them are still serving IPPs today, clogging up the cells with their wanton attempted tobacco heists.

Speaker 19 Another reason that this year has seen a particular lack of cell space is that Labour spent most of the summer locking up protesters left, right, and centre, or to be more accurate, right, right, and far right.

Speaker 18 Now, to be clear, many of the writers jailed a few months back deserve it.

Speaker 18 Like this man who was sentenced to 38 months for violent disorder offences in Middlesbrough, including spouting this hate-fueled manifesto, which we have reconstructed verbatim.

Speaker 61 You can stick your chicken ticker up your ass!

Speaker 42 You can stick your chicken ticker up your ass.

Speaker 20 That is a rallying cry, if ever I heard one.

Speaker 18 To which, and I love this, the judge said, this in no way reflects the values of the decent people of Middlesbrough.

Speaker 10 So, although a lot of the rioters do deserve to be in prison, or at the very least in A ⁇ E with curry-related internal injuries, the speed, the speed of Starma's reaction does seem even more notable now, given this week's backlog news.

Speaker 42 And the media's coverage has also been quite unhelpful.

Speaker 18 According to the Telegraph, Talk TV, and the BBC, one man was even sent to prison for yelling at a dog.

Speaker 9 Yelling at a dog.

Speaker 21 Really? Well, no, not really.

Speaker 24 He was actually sent to prison for violent disorder, which included shouting at a police dog.

Speaker 20 The judge said his actions were dangerous in a tinderbox atmosphere, as opposed to a chicken ticker box atmosphere, which is very different but equally ill-advised.

Speaker 33 But leading with man jailed for shouting at dog as the headline is classic clickbait and if you read that you'll think well no wonder the prisons are full the government has lost the plot and to be clear you cannot go to prison for shouting at a dog.

Speaker 63 If you could Barbara Woodhouse would have faced the death penalty.

Speaker 38 But the stats are shocking and they haven't received much attention.

Speaker 15 The media have been far too busy reporting on a man shouting at a dog and not busy enough reporting on the real crisis in our prisons.

Speaker 60 We were stumped.

Speaker 32 We wanted to get people to pay attention to the shocking stats, but we also knew that to do that we needed to be a bit more clickbait.

Speaker 18 And then we realized the answer was staring us in the face and the snout because in a radio first, the Naked Week is going to broadcast these shocking prison statistics by shouting them at a dog.

Speaker 30 Buckle up.

Speaker 60 Now, I should explain that due to some stupid red tape called the Performing Animals Act of 1925,

Speaker 1 we can't actually bring a dog onto the stage without a special license.

Speaker 20 We would have to apply to a court or something.

Speaker 21 What with the backlog?

Speaker 30 It wouldn't work.

Speaker 18 Anyway, long story short, we have found a workaround.

Speaker 39 We cannot have a dog on stage here.

Speaker 25 But over to my left here is this theatre's load-in door, which leads to the outside world.

Speaker 22 And in the outside world, crucially not on stage, but certainly within earshot of the perimeter.

Speaker 48 Amy, can you do the honours?

Speaker 10 I'm opening them now.

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rupert the dog.

Speaker 14 Hello, Rupert.

Speaker 14 Hello.

Speaker 14 Here we go, good boy!

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 4 Look how cutie. He's so sweet.

Speaker 5 He's a good boy.

Speaker 56 You do need to keep him outside the room.

Speaker 4 There we go.

Speaker 13 Sorry, Rupert.

Speaker 10 This feels...

Speaker 1 Feels very harsh, this.

Speaker 55 Hello, sorry, Rupert's owner.

Speaker 31 What's your name as well?

Speaker 18 Andrew. Hello, Andrew, how's it going?

Speaker 55 What sort of dog is Rupert? This is a jorky poo.

Speaker 31 What is that?

Speaker 56 A mix of Jack Russell, Yorkshire Terrier, and poodle.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 16 A jorky poo.

Speaker 13 How old? Four. And how old is Rupert?

Speaker 52 Okay, Rupert, are you ready?

Speaker 18 Rupert's looking round at a bus. Okay.

Speaker 52 Amy, you've got the stats too as well, I believe.

Speaker 24 Yes. It is time for us now to call this important story to public attention.

Speaker 52 Rupert?

Speaker 10 Rupert. Rupert we have some.

Speaker 52 Yeah. Yeah all right.
He's very cute.

Speaker 10 Yeah yeah.

Speaker 8 We're trying to do news here guys.

Speaker 52 Rupert are you ready?

Speaker 14 Amy it's time to shout these facts at the dog.

Speaker 12 Let's go.

Speaker 3 Over the summer prisons were just 100 spaces away from reaching full capacity Rupert. Yes.

Speaker 14 With the length of current delays, the average case now takes 683 days between reporting and completion. Bad dog.

Speaker 10 Rupert, good dog. Rupert, don't milk it.

Speaker 14 I'm sorry, you're a good boy.

Speaker 64 Rupee, Rupi, over here.

Speaker 3 Over a quarter of cases wait more than a year to even be heard at all.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 14 Almost one in five people in prison are there on remand awaiting trial.

Speaker 11 Walkies?

Speaker 3 Rupe, 16,000 people were kept in prison on remand last year, including many who were later acquitted. Rupert!

Speaker 14 Rupert! Someone serving a four-year sentence can now be released in less than 10 months. No biscuits!

Speaker 14 Guys!

Speaker 14 It's okay!

Speaker 14 It's okay, boy!

Speaker 3 But you need to know, Rupert, that the number of prisoners has been growing by 4,500 a year.

Speaker 14 Yes, and one last thing, Rupert.

Speaker 14 And this one is a bit dense, so you will need to pay attention.

Speaker 14 The National Audit Office has just released a report saying that Boris Johnson's pledge to create 20,000 extra cell spaces will not now be met until 2031 and is already £4.2 billion over budget.

Speaker 14 In your basket!

Speaker 49 Oh, Rupert, one more thing, sorry.

Speaker 24 While we've got you, we've been trying to help out Kemi Babenot with her new catchphrase.

Speaker 20 Just have a listen to this, Rupert, see what you think of it.

Speaker 34 I don't like using the word woke to describe these issues. I use progressive authoritarianism.
But for some reason, progressive authoritarianism is not catching on.

Speaker 46 But with our help, it can, and we can now get it into the canine community too.

Speaker 28 So, audience, I would like us all to shout at the dog the catchphrase, one, two, three. Progressive authoritarianism.

Speaker 46 And I...

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert the Dog, the most statistically qualified dog brackets, prisons, closed brackets in the world.

Speaker 14 The Naked Reef was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with chief Correspondent Amy Hoggart and guests Philip Ingram and Rupert the Dog.

Speaker 11 It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Koretig, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster, Jason Hazley, Adam McQueen, and Louis Mian.

Speaker 9 Additional Nakedness was by Mark Haynes and Carl Minnes with Ali Panting, Alice Bright, Cooper Mawini Swirt, Pete Redfern, and Gavin Greenwood with the voice of Jake Yap.

Speaker 5 The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

Speaker 65 Strong message here from BBC Radio 4.

Speaker 27 A brand new series stress testing to destruction the buzzwords and phrases used and abused by politicians.

Speaker 65 Hawk barrel politics.

Speaker 27 Red state.

Speaker 65 Purple state.

Speaker 21 Sports washing.

Speaker 65 Strong and stable.

Speaker 21 Flip-flopper.

Speaker 65 What do they actually mean?

Speaker 27 I'm Amanda Nucci.

Speaker 65 And I'm Helen Lewis.

Speaker 27 And like a couple of disgraced stage magicians recently kicked out of the magic circle, we'll be revealing all the verbal tricks of the trade.

Speaker 65 And singling out the worst examples of political doublespeak. Strong message here from BBC Radio 4.

Speaker 27 Listen now on BBC Sounds.

Speaker 37 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of Your Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Speaker 61 Each week I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

Speaker 37 In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Speaker 62 Listen to Your Dead to Me Now, Now, wherever you get your podcasts.