The News Quiz: Ep 7. Inflation and Incinerators

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Hello and welcome to the news quiz hosted this week by me, Lucy Porter.

Don't worry about the blue light police escort that's accompanied me to the studio.

It's nothing to do with Keir Starmer.

It's just the cashier left the security tag on the nice new top I picked up from John Lewis and they will stop at nothing now if they think you've been shoplifting.

So before this burly constable reads me my rights, let's get on with the show!

Hello and welcome to the news quiz.

I'm Lucy Porter.

Andy is away again this week, so I'm in the chair.

Luckily he has left behind a huge stack of wisdoms for me to sit on.

In a week where we learned that giant incinerators are burning our rubbish and millions of litres of sewage have been pumped into Windermere, our teams this week are Team Trash versus Team Turd.

So on Team Trash, we have Deliso Shaponda and Andrew Maxwell.

And on Team Turd, it's Rhea Lena and Hugo Rifkin.

First of all,

Rhea and Hugo, what might be the cause of a sudden lack of interest in the economy?

Okay, so inflation has fallen to 1.7%,

which means if things carry on like this this time next year, if you want to bribe a government minister, you'll have to give them, I think, 1.017 Taylor Swift tickets.

They'll do it.

Because inflation's going down, interest rates should go down as well, which means they're currently like 5%, so that by the end of the year, they could be as low as 4.5%,

meaning your mortgage will be very slightly less ludicrous.

But it's really significant that this is the September figure, because September figures for inflation are used to calculate next year's benefit increases, which affects everybody except for pensioners because they have the triple lock, which is what you put on your house if you can afford one.

But yeah, so inflation's come down, and the government's very excited.

Nobody understands it.

Nobody understands the economy at all.

It's like that movie Tenant.

I think the economy is being directed by Christopher Nolan.

If I'm honest, because nobody quite gets one goes down, one goes up, one does the other.

But let's be clear, this is a blip.

Unless it continues to last, this is a blip.

It's like when you skip dinner and then weigh yourself first thing in the morning the next day, and you're like, oh my God, I lost a kilo.

It'll be back by lunchtime.

Well, it's because airline ticket prices have fallen, is the main thing that's going to do.

Well, it's like, I wasn't buying that.

You weren't buying fuel or airline prices.

Not really.

Okay, well, your inflation can stay up at 2% then.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So we can get a plane to somewhere, but we can't afford to pay our mobile jobs.

We can get a plane to somewhere less increasingly expensively than we could before.

I blame decimalisation.

It feels like Napoleon won sometimes.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, inflation's gone up a groat.

But the thing is, this is good news, right?

It's good.

Is it?

Only if it lasts.

You've got to be clear, it's not good, it's just getting bad less quickly.

The economy was pushed down the stairs by Liz Truss when she was in charge, and it's only just managed to crawl to the phone.

So I just don't think we should get too excited.

You know what I mean?

Because knowing ambulances, they're still going to take six months to get there.

So

we have to wait and see.

Yeah, because they've said, ooh, now you can bring down the interest rates of mortgages.

And it's like, okay, then off you go.

No, they're not going to.

So nothing.

Well, because there is excitement around economics in terms of budget anticipation.

In fact, the question I was going to ask to you, Team Trash, is in what way has our old friend, the £22 billion black hole, had a makeover this week?

I'm aware of this, but I've forgotten who it was, but somebody said that there's a 22 billion black hole in the budget.

Yes.

First of all, why black?

Okay?

I'm just going to put this in there.

Like, you're on the radio, I'm black, okay?

And there's no reason why it needed to be a black hole.

There's a 22 billion hole in the budget, right?

I read Stephen Hawking's brief history of time, and a black hole sucks in all the matter around it.

So this would only be a black hole if it was sucking in other budgets.

So literally, there'd be like, oh, the British Museum budgets got sucked in.

Oh, no, what a shame.

Oh, no, there goes the Wigan Country Fair budget.

Apparently, it's got twice as big.

Well, it has, and so they have given it a makeover because they are now calling it not a black hole, it's a delightful £40 billion funding gap.

Funding gap.

Which sounds much more bijou.

It is.

But it's also the responses to it that I find bewildering.

So they're cutting down on a lot of the expenditure.

So they've cancelled road tunnel works near Stonehenge, which is just another time where the druids are getting it.

Like literally, totally unappreciated minority.

The druids.

The druids.

Ugh, I'd lock every one of them up.

Oh, see, I have no time for those Druids.

Dawn-botherers, every one of them.

There should be more space metaphors in economics, I think.

Like a sort of, you know, a new galaxy of cancel tax, or, you know, a child benefit comet, I quite like.

More like that.

Everything you've worked for vanishing up Uranus.

Rachel Rees has acknowledged that there do need to be tough choices, especially now that we have an even larger funding gap than a whole than we have before.

I think turning down those free oasis tickets that she was offered was really tough.

And one of those tough choices, of course, that they've already labeled is the winter fuel allowance being taken away from the elderly.

I'm torn on that.

You know, on the one hand, you go, gosh, that's terrible.

You're going to kill a lot of old people.

And then they said, no, no, no,

because they're going to get a pension deal in April.

And you go, okay, so they have to live through the winter

and then you'll reward them.

I think Labour have sort of painted themselves into a corner because they made promises which aren't really doable.

I think they're going to have to change them.

So things like they said oh there's no austerity.

I think they need to change it to no austerity but we might have custody of it on some weekends.

Like more realistic.

Yeah.

It's basically Labour Party offered Britain a lift in its brand new Rolls-Royce and then when it came for that lift to to happen, it turned out there were no wheels on the Rolls-Royce and it was being used as a chicken coop,

which is still good.

You get eggs.

I think there are other ways that we can save money.

You know, there's other ways that we can sort of fill that funding gap.

I think we could sell all of Keir Starmer's unwanted clothes at a car boot sale.

Quite a lot of that.

I mean, how about don't redo number 10?

It was just done up to a very high standard, wasn't it, with gold wallpaper and the rest of it.

Why don't I just live in that?

You took it it with him.

I think that in terms of people.

Took it with him.

He ripped it all down and walked out wearing it like a toga.

How did you miss that?

To be fair, if I moved into somewhere that Boris Johnson had lived, I would rip out everything, especially the soft furnishings.

Go around it with a black light.

You do not want to see that, mate.

I did want to ask the panel: if we were going to take out insurance as a nation, true national insurance, what should we as a nation insure ourselves against?

Referendums.

Etonians.

Taylor's.

Classic Harovian answer.

I thought Lord Sugar's Twitter account.

Oh, gosh.

I think you're referring to the fact this week on Twitter, Lord Sugar tweeted while watching strictly that he's tired of these gimmicks something to that effect yeah but what I find funny is a lot of people assumed he was referring to Chris McCauson being blind as a gimmick and when he got the back actually said well I didn't mean he was disabled.

That wasn't the gimmick.

But then he's been very vague about what the gimmick was.

That is not a time to be mysterious.

But everyone's like, why were you being prejudiced?

Oh, no, no, I wasn't.

What did you mean?

I'm not going to tell you.

I think he meant scousers.

No more dancing scousers.

What did Adam Sugar do to make money?

I just remember back in the day he started Amstrad, which was like a really early form of computer that was basically a cardboard box that went boop.

And then that was it.

Well, they moved into making like weird hybrid stuff, like a fax machine that was also a razor and stuff like that.

A tease made that would criticize you

a soda stream car you know

so therefore if there's ever a man who knows a gimmick when he sees one

hell of a gimmick though isn't it

say what you want

it's at times when you see him dancing that well you go geez i wish i was blind

and a quality gimmick like that um another quick question which minister wants to give the unemployed a shot in the arm?

Oh, this is a fantastic story.

Turns out some people are too fat to get out the door.

And if you can't get out the door, then you can't be employed outside the house.

So, Wes Streeting, he wants to give people Ozempic or Wegovi, these two crazy miracle drugs that make you lose an enormous amount of weight, so then you're physically able to work.

Which, you know, wait a second.

I used to be thin.

I am now plump, and I'm equally lazy.

I'm not

it makes no sense, because he's basically saying these people are fat, so we'll bribe them with weight loss drugs to make them work.

It's like, no, you idiot, bribe them with food.

Exactly.

And this time, don't make it a carrot.

That stick better be full of gerbils.

I also like all the people who are admitting they tried it.

Like, Robert Jenrick was like, I tried it and I didn't like it.

It's azempic, it's not ecstasy.

Didn't someone suggest that employers should be held accountable if their employees are too obese and unhealthy?

They should be fined for under

places.

That's it.

But I think that would be great because then you could negotiate your salary like holding a Big Mac.

Raise it or else.

The idea of using pharmaceuticals to solve this is not the answer.

If you're the government, you should be raising taxes on junk food, subsidizing broccoli, funding a better education system, and getting over this idea that everything can be fixed by little pricks.

Well, you've solved the economy and obesity there and got that absolutely correct.

This week, Chancellor Rachel Reeves announced she is looking to fill a £40 billion funding gap, which doesn't sound as bad as the £22 billion black hole.

As things get worse, they're sounding friendlier.

I think we can go further.

Let's have a 50 billion cosy little finance nook.

The upcoming budget will be the first delivered by a female Chancellor of the Exchequer.

While the content is uncertain, we know we can expect scented notepaper and little hearts and smiley faces over the eyes.

Plus, all the men in the room will repeat it back to her 10 minutes later as if it was their own idea.

Also, this week, Health Minister Wes Streeting has suggested giving overweight unemployed people weight loss drugs in order to get them back to work.

It turns out that Wes likes things slim, very much like his constituency majority of 528 votes.

At the end of round one, the scores are Team Trash have four points and Team Turd have five points.

Okay, well now we turn to round two and the question here, which I will ask to Team Trash, which energy plant has money to burn?

Incineration plants in the greater Manchester area.

In Runcorn.

Oh.

So I initially thought this is the ideal thing because there are all these plants which turn trash and waste into energy, right?

Which I thought is brilliant.

That's like, you know, using the old love letters and gifts from my last relationship in the new one.

Don't other people do that?

But I thought it was a great way to convert waste into something positive.

But then a lot of environmentalists are saying that it's very dirty energy.

The dirtiest form of power.

I don't know.

I think totalitarianism is the dirtiest form of power.

The party rumcorns.

The point is, the people who own the energy company are offering the locals who live around the incineration facility four and a half grand each to sign NDA's non-disclosure agreements so they won't talk about how awesome it is to live around and incinerate.

I mean, where's Erin Brockovich when you need her?

But it's because, look, the air's rancid, the water's rancid, they're all kind of sort of wheezing all the time, everything stinks.

And so there's this four and a half grand.

It's supposed to be a gagging order.

They're probably gagging already, I'd imagine.

So they basically wrote to all these people and said, do you want this money?

And a lot of people didn't want the money but I guess it if it's all about trash anyway if you get a letter offering you four and a half grand and it's in one of those envelopes with a little window in it it's very hard to know which bin to put it into

I did actually while you were speaking I remembered that of course Run Corners in Cheshire which I feel bad pointing out now that we've said so many lovely things about them they're in the gorgeous county of Cheshire but it is like a UK-wide problem I mean specifically we've been talking about Runcorn yeah but these incineration plants are everywhere Yeah.

I mean, I think about bins quite a lot.

Do you have a bin day?

Tuesday.

Again, I live in central London.

It's three times a day.

What's your favourite bin, Lucy?

Oh, well, we have the composting bin little

bit.

The little wind, gorgeous.

Because you can lift it.

I can get in there.

Yeah, yeah.

It's where I overwinter.

Let's say with the subject of this kind of thing.

So, teams, please will you complete the following following lines from the great poet of the lakes, Wordsworth, updated in light of this week's news.

I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills, when all at once I had a sit in a massive pile of

Windermere water.

Thank you.

Is the correct answer?

Yes, unfortunately,

an investigation has revealed that the water company in that area has been releasing via a pipe into the middle of the lake.

So, how that got built without anybody finding out, I have no idea, but via pipe into the middle of the lake.

It's such a simple mistake to make that, isn't it?

Accidentally build a pipe

into Lake Windermere.

I bet they were building it all the way across, and then some rando in the government went, We're not building that tunnel anymore.

And it got so they've been releasing without telling anyone all of this sewage into Lake Windermere.

But in their defense, they said, But we reported it 94% of the time.

And I went, Well, that's still less effective than a condom.

And there's still sewage in Lake Windermere.

The problem is what they call potentially non-compliant discharges, which sort of

brings us back to Boris Johnson again, doesn't it?

I'm gonna call my dad farts that from now on.

Well, in fact, the incinerator in Runcorn, one of my favourite things about it, is it's called the Viridor Incinerator.

Which I think is such a good name.

It's like a sort of Transformers villain.

Viridor Incinerator.

It sounds like the kind of car that Andrew Tate might drive.

It is a big old lake, it has to be said.

Windermere.

Yeah.

Don't call it Lake Windermere, though, because we'll get letters in.

Why?

Because it's a mere, it's not a lake.

Oh, and their difference is?

Yes.

Very good.

Oh, I wonder whether it's because it doesn't flow onwards.

Maybe.

Is that because it's made of shit?

Yes, exactly.

It's the United Utilities Company.

The United Utilities Company has been releasing sewage into Windermere without telling anyone and without permission.

Oh, but that's how you do it, wouldn't you?

But wouldn't it?

You know what they say?

It's always better to ask forgiveness than permission when you're running a utilities company and defouling one of the most famous, beautiful places in your country.

True story, I learned to water ski on Lake Windermere, and I can tell you there was no poo in it then.

Not when you started.

So, yes, you've done very well on the second round of all of the stories about waste.

The story that burning household rubbish in giant incinerators is deeply harmful to the environment.

The incinerators were originally pitched as a green alternative to landfill, which is like describing crack cocaine as the heroin that you can enjoy between meals.

Burning rubbish in incinerators is now the dirtiest way the UK generates power.

Previously, that position was held by the friction from Boris Johnson rubbing his thighs whenever he caught the whiff of a married woman.

And it was also revealed this week that United Utilities deposited between 143 and 286 million litres of unauthorised waste into Windermere over a period of three years.

The sewage can harm and even kill fish and other marine life.

And you can learn more about that in David Attenborough's next series, Brown Planet.

So at the end of round two, the scores are Team Trash have six points and Team Turn have seven.

Still everything to play for and we now move on to a sports round.

Who better to ask our first question in the sports round than the man I lovingly refer to as the voice of the balls, Andy Zoltzmann.

He is dialing in once again from Pakistan.

Hello, Andy.

Hi, Lucy.

sensational job so far.

Why this week have some people been saying that England have scored a know without even going on the pitch?

And remember this is a sport question so feel free not to constrain your responses with facts or objective truth of any kind or to show any working whatsoever.

From Pakistan lots of love Andy.

Oh thank you Andy.

So teams what male nonsense was Andy wanging on about there?

I mean I'm going to answer this because I'm half German and the England team has finally seen sense and gotten someone who understands the game to lead their men's football team.

And some people are upset about it.

They feel like we've sold out.

But you've had other nations lead the team before.

I think there was an Italian, there was a Swede, like you've and obviously failed.

So now you've finally gone, okay, we should have done this all the way back in the forties and surrendered

to what is best for the team.

And now finally there's a German, Thomas Tuchel, has been appointed the manager of the England men's football team.

And maybe you can finally win something.

I think Tuchel should lean into it.

Into the perception of him that is angering these people.

He should just start calling the forward attack the Luftwaffe.

He should start referring to Harry Kane, who's going to get the golden jack boot.

And just generally toy with their rage in subtle ways.

They did put put the most German-looking photos of him they could find.

Yeah, he was like wearing Lederhausen and a special colourless jacket, wasn't he?

More than a huge jug of beer.

I think the problem's going to be when he starts pointing across the pitch, telling people where to go.

It's like it's how Thomas Tuchel arrives two hours before the game to put a giant towel out on the pitch.

And so you wish to play an international football game against my team?

But sadly, my towel is here.

You move, Switzerland.

It was described, the Daily Mail described it as a dark day for British football that Thomas Tuchel was appointed.

Why are the English so against winning in the men's game?

I don't understand.

Can I just point out, I think, are you the only English person up here, Lucy?

Obviously, I'm Scottish, as you'll be able to tell from my impenetrable accent.

No, I hate to tell you that I, as of six months ago, I'm British too.

So I

now can have an obnoxious view of this.

You can now be disappointed in our football team.

Being British, you can be disappointed by four different teams.

Can I just ask you, though, this is not the only sports question, and in what I consider more exciting sporting news, team trash, which other major British sport was infiltrated by a dominating charismatic international interloper this week?

I think you speak of that.

I actually did not know this was a sport.

Of course, right?

Conquers.

The proud sport of.

Call yourself British.

They may withdraw their citizenship because I did not know this.

Surely it must have been one of the questions on the test.

Don't you have to play Conkers?

Surely you didn't only have to say who was the last Plantagenet king.

No.

Which was

Henry.

There are a lot of Henries.

Delisa, talk us through how you play conquers.

You take a conk

and you throw it at her.

And you conked her.

No?

Brilliant.

That's a pretty.

Delisa.

What's a conquer to you?

Do you know what a conker?

It's like an acorn.

Just know that it's something that someone was trying to cheat, and so he had like a steel one in his pocket.

So it has to be small.

Just to explain to everyone, if you haven't seen this huge news, it was the British Conquer Championship, which they were won by an American woman

whose name was Kelsey Bansbach, which, fun fact, Kelsey Bansbach is how you say Kemi Badnock in American.

But there was also, as Deliso intimated, a cheating scandal because King Conker David Jacins was found to have an artificial artificial conker in his pocket.

And I also love that when confronted about it, he's like, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't to cheat.

I just have it there for luck.

That's like going to a poker game and you've got an ace in your pocket.

No, it's just for luck.

It brings me positivity.

I just love the judges saying to him, like, have you got a steel conker in your pocket?

But I think the crazy thing is, which makes it so offensive if you're a homegrown Brit, is the fact that she only entered it because her friend was entering it as a bit of a laugh.

And then she won, and you go, How dare you?

Also, and she probably brought over her American conqueror, so they were probably twice the size.

Do you know what I mean?

Like just massive Texan conquers.

No, no, it's our little British ones.

They supply, you don't get to bring your own conqueror.

It was a joke.

I know it was a joke.

It's a serious matter.

They supply because they supply all the conquers.

And King Conker, the steel conquer man, was involved in the supply of conquers.

And there is like an adjacent cheating scandal that he, in fact, specially marked the strings of the hardened nuts to make sure he got them.

So, you're saying it's not a conquer cheat, it's a conspiracy.

It's a conquer conspiracy.

This thing just gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Is there a huge prize money?

Why does one care that much?

Oh my god!

Sounds like you don't have autumn in your country,

it's the only reason we live through these dreadful months.

Once apple season's over, it's conquer season.

I also love that King Conquer.

He's 82.

Right, that is an amazing age to still be an athlete.

So, the sports round, you've absolutely answered everything correctly.

This week, German national Thomas Tuchel was officially announced as the new manager of the England men's football team.

The arrival of Thomas Tuchel could be just what England needs.

Think of it like the car industry.

Germany offers high-end performance and efficiency, and England hasn't produced anything decent since the mid-60s.

I think the appointment of Thomas Tuchel is excellent news.

This means that when we win the World Cup, we could all chant two World Wars and let's sort of share this cup.

Lovely.

And the Conquer Championships.

There were two major upsets at this year's World Conquer Championships.

The overall winner was an American, and there were accusations of cheating when self-styled King Conquer David Jacins was found to have an artificial conquer in his pocket.

David Jacins called his accusers sore losers.

I mean, come on, David, it's the World Conquer Championships, you're all losers.

David Jakins was accused of using steel conquers, and coincidentally, steel conquers was Hugo's nickname at school.

The World Conquer Championships are well organized and respected around the globe, despite operating on a shoestring.

And at the end of this week's news quiz, Team Trash have seven points and Team Turd have nine points.

They're winning!

And before we leave you, just a quick reminder: do keep listening to Radio 4 as coming up after the Archers is part 17 of our landmark 400-part History of the Mantelpiece.

This week, bevelled cornice work.

So that's the end of the news quiz.

I've been Lucy Porter.

Thanks for listening.

Goodbye!

Taking part in the news quiz were Bria Lina, Deliso Chaponda, Andrew Maxwell and Hugo Rickind.

In the chair was me, Lucy Porter.

And additional material was written by Peter Talouche, Mike Shepherd, Tasha Danraj and Alfie Packam.

The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

I'm Greg Foots and my podcast, Sliced Bread from BBC Radio 4, is back to separate more science fact from marketing fiction.

We've gone from where there's some science and we've turned it science-y.

Each week, I investigate one of your suggested wonder products, something that's promising to make you happier, healthier, or greener.

The cost is almost £200.

It's out of my range, I'm afraid.

The new series of sliced bread, including our 100th episode, where we'll be investigating the products promising to help slow the effects of aging.

We can hopefully slow down the aging process and hopefully make people live healthier for longer.

Slice bread with me, Greg Foote, on Radio 4 and listen first on BBC Sounds.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to Your Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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