The News Quiz: Ep 6. Cleverly Timed Exits

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Speaker 3 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Speaker 6 Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

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Speaker 11 Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway. We demand to be honest.
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Speaker 12 Do not adjust your radio sets. Andy Zulzman has not transitioned into a plumber from Luton.
I am Jeff Norcott, and I'm filling in for Andy this week. So expect fewer cricket references.

Speaker 12 However, the quickfire round will be an entire leg of dots.

Speaker 12 This is the news quiz.

Speaker 12 Hello and welcome to this week's news quiz. Since Andy Zulzman announced I'd be deputising at the end of last week's show, I've had the usual questions.

Speaker 12 Jeff, are the BBC only using you for diversity reasons? And the answer is, like, yeah, obviously, clearly, I am the first self-evidently working-class person to host the news quiz.

Speaker 12 So, the downside with this accent is quite a few listeners might think they've accidentally tuned in to talk sport.

Speaker 13 That's always a

Speaker 13 question.

Speaker 12 Continuing the working-class theme, I'd like to welcome tonight's teams. On my left is Team Garden Furniture, Ahir Shah and Anushka Astana.

Speaker 12 And on my right, facing off against Team Garden Furniture, is Team Furniture in the Garden.

Speaker 12 Please welcome Andrew Maxwell and Athena Kablenyu.

Speaker 12 Okay, our first question this week will be posed by regular host Andy Zaltzman taking time out from his role as the analyst on Test Match Special. Actually, he's calling in now from Pakistan.

Speaker 12 Andy, can you hear me?

Speaker 13 Hi, Jeff. You're doing a great job so far.
And I have a question to put to the panel. Coming in after their opponents were in for ages, whose innings has not started too well?

Speaker 3 There you go. May the cricket be with you.

Speaker 13 Lots of love from Andy.

Speaker 12 I guess what he's saying is: is there a team that have come here and out of the blocks in recent times?

Speaker 11 You? Is it you?

Speaker 12 Yeah, it is. Actually, that is.
No, it's not. It's actually Labour Party.
In the week that Keir Starmer's chief of staff was unceremoniously dumped, we're going to talk tumultuous times at number 10.

Speaker 12 But could I first acknowledge that when it comes to chaos, the Tories will always be the greatest of all time, all right?

Speaker 12 The goats, if you will. However, Labour have started as though they really want to give them a run for their money.
Indeed, they're approaching what literally nobody apart from me is calling

Speaker 13 14 weeks of chaos.

Speaker 15 I just like that you said like Labour have started. And I like the implication that they've started.

Speaker 15 It really feels as though Starma at the moment is like, right, so that was a practice go,

Speaker 15 and now this is the real one.

Speaker 15 I'm starting now.

Speaker 12 Anushka, give us an objective, impartial, newsy view on this. How's it gone?

Speaker 11 Very badly.

Speaker 11 Like, there's loads of local council by-elections happening all the time. There's been dozens of them already, and they have lost significantly more than Tony Blair lost in 1997.

Speaker 11 And Keir Starmer's ratings, personal ratings, are just below Rishi Sunak's. Rishi has stayed low, and Keir has come down to Rishi's level.

Speaker 12 Can I ask, is it how much of it is to do with Keir's voice? Because there's something about the way he talks. It's just slightly out of bag.

Speaker 12 A lot of the words don't quite back out of his mouth.

Speaker 12 He sounds like a sort of decaffein tea bag that's been brought to life

Speaker 13 in a Pixar film.

Speaker 11 Do you know when someone says, oh, you've got to watch a show on Netflix? It's so good. It's the best show ever.
It's amazing. And after six episodes, you're like, when is something going to happen?

Speaker 13 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 11 It's not even chaotic. It's just dull.
What's the chaotic thing? Oh, someone left their job to another job.

Speaker 13 Well, look, we will start with this.

Speaker 12 I'm going to ask Team Garden Furniture. Who was shown the door this week, despite being so new in the job, they haven't yet worked out where the door is?

Speaker 15 Well, this was, I believe, Sue Gray. And that's basically all I know about that because there is absolutely no way to make anything about the word Sue Gray interesting.

Speaker 15 It is the most boring first name and the most boring second name. And I think that that's brilliant.

Speaker 15 If you're trying to operate below the radar, that's exactly the sort of name that you should have, right? Because if she was called like Fantasia Turquoise,

Speaker 13 I'd be like, oh my God, I need to know everything about it.

Speaker 15 It's like Fantasia Turquoise earns more than the Prime Minister. She should, she's fabulous.

Speaker 12 Yeah, last Sunday, after rising speculation about her future, Keir Starmer's chief of staff, Sue Gray, was dependent on who you listened to, sacked, demoted, moved sideways, or shot dead.

Speaker 12 So, panel, I really want to talk serious politics here.

Speaker 14 No, no, fair enough, but Sue Gray is boring.

Speaker 14 Yeah, but she's a very specific type of boring. She looks like she's no stranger to a bit of Kendall mint cake.
Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 14 She looks like she'd go on a bit of hill walking around the Maulverns.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 12 panel, I want to really get seriously political on this show, and I think that the big issue arising from this is: is Sue Gray now the most famous Sue of all time?

Speaker 13 A big shout.

Speaker 14 No, no, no, no, no, nobody will ever beat Sue Panda.

Speaker 13 Sue the Panda. Sue the Panda.

Speaker 15 Sue the Panda sounds like something on the to-do list of a lawyer who's lost his mind.

Speaker 11 I mean, Sue Cray is probably the most famous civil servant that there's ever been.

Speaker 12 And I feel sorry for her because civil servants never get sacked for anything, do they?

Speaker 16 You know what I mean?

Speaker 12 Like, you could give the nuclear coach to Russia and throw Biden's Zimmer frame down the stairs and they go, all right, written warning. Okay,

Speaker 12 this is the last chance.

Speaker 11 I mean, especially now with the new employment rights.

Speaker 13 well,

Speaker 12 which we will come on to. I mean, she's also become

Speaker 12 an envoy for the regions.

Speaker 12 What does it mean as a role?

Speaker 11 I mean, it means she's not chief of staff in Downing Street,

Speaker 11 and it was Keir Starmer's decision that she would not be chief of staff in Downing Street anymore. Although, obviously, she's tried to go as graciously as possible.

Speaker 11 Can I tell you a little endearing thing about Sue Gray?

Speaker 15 Is it that her real name is Fantasia Turquoise?

Speaker 11 So, you know, she was in charge of the Party Gate inquiry,

Speaker 11 and there was a story in the papers at the time that just at the end of this inquiry, somebody came up to the cabinet office wheeling up loads and loads of booze.

Speaker 11 And everyone was like, Oh my god, what's this? Who's ordered alcohol? You know, this is the height of the Party Gate allegations.

Speaker 11 And they find out that it was Sue Gray, and it turned out she was having a party for the weekend. It was like Jubilee weekend or something.
And how had she got the addresses mixed up?

Speaker 11 And this is what I found out, which I think is very endearing.

Speaker 11 It turns out that Sue Gray, however senior she was, was in charge of ordering the cat food for the two cats that lived in the cabinet office.

Speaker 12 That is the most Sue Gray thing that's ever happened.

Speaker 12 She's out Sue Grayed herself.

Speaker 11 It also explains why she got paid more than a Prime Minister, because she had to deal with the cats.

Speaker 11 Extra responsibility.

Speaker 14 I'm keen on them, but I'll tell you what, what do you want as a mongoose? That's what you want.

Speaker 12 Ultimately, Ultimately, Sue Gray was a victim of briefing, right? Now, it seems sneaky, but panel, wouldn't we all love to brief against a colleague if we had the chance? I mean, is there any story?

Speaker 13 What do you mean, if?

Speaker 14 That's all that happens backstage at a gig.

Speaker 14 If you don't know us comedians, we're pure poisonous human beings. All we do is slag off the other comedian who hasn't got to the gig on time, and then they walk in and we're like, hey,

Speaker 14 you got that TV thing.

Speaker 15 The thing about briefing is that, yeah, like in comedy, you've got to do whatever you can to get ahead. I've increasingly been putting it about that Romesh and Nish are secretly white.

Speaker 12 The evidence is there. Romesh's middle name is Jonathan.

Speaker 11 And I saw his playlist on Spotify or Taylor Swift.

Speaker 12 Anushka, obviously, there is this thing, briefing. Now, there's a lot of young SPAD special advisors in Westminster.

Speaker 12 Do they ever get drunk and like late at night and in the morning, oh my god, I can't believe who I briefed last night?

Speaker 12 Because they're still briefing about Sue Gray now, like she's been debuted, but that's not enough.

Speaker 11 I mean, yeah, I mean, to be fair on the Sue Gray stuff, the briefing, I actually started ranting about it on social media the other day, that it was all the boys' club who were briefing against her.

Speaker 11 I mean, I had mainly women briefing against her, so I do think it was kind of more mixed, if you like. What I don't think you can blame her for at all is loads of the things that have gone wrong.

Speaker 11 You can't blame her for winter fuel payments, that came from the Treasury.

Speaker 11 You can't really blame her for the political messaging. I mean, Morgan McSweeney, who's replaced her, was in charge of political messaging before that already.

Speaker 12 But they should have got a public angry with pensioners first. That's how I'd have done it.
Gone, look at these lot. All the cod in the North Sea.

Speaker 13 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 12 All their counsels for seven quid. You know what I mean?

Speaker 15 What they did, the Tories had about it. Like, oh, look at these poor pensioners.

Speaker 13 And the first pensioner was wearing a solid cold Rolex.

Speaker 14 You can't burn Rolexes, my friend.

Speaker 11 There was like people's contracts weren't signed. People were offered too low pay, like much lower than their Conservative predecessors.

Speaker 11 Like all the political advisors whose job it is to basically sell the government to journalists were holding out collectively on signing their contracts.

Speaker 11 Now, she would say she wasn't to blame for that, but a lot of people blamed her. So I think it was stuff like that that ended her.

Speaker 15 I really like that at the beginning of this, you were like, and initially there was some sense of this being a boys' club, but people were briefing me, and it turns out everyone hates it.

Speaker 12 The next question, this is to Team Furniture in the Garden. Which ginger ninja has coloured in Sue's grey area?

Speaker 11 It's Morgan McSweeney.

Speaker 12 It is Morgan McSweeney, yes.

Speaker 14 Morgan McSweeney, a man and also a regional legal firm from Ireland.

Speaker 12 I mean, is it? It sounds like it has.

Speaker 14 It sure does, doesn't it? Conveyancing done in Leitram. Morgan McSweeney's the team for me.

Speaker 12 Keir Starmer's former chief of staff, Morgan McSweeney, now returns to the role. It's a name in the mould of like Alastair Campbell and Dominic Cummins.
At least he sounds like a total bastard.

Speaker 13 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 15 I was trying to learn more about Morgan McSweeney, and I found an article in the Italian newspaper La Repubblica, the headline of which is, Morgan McSweeney, il mysterioso consigliere supremo di starma.

Speaker 12 Everything sounds so cool in Italian.

Speaker 12 I mean a lot of people don't even know who he is or what he looks like. I like to come up with politics from what you know, what do we consume first? We consume as fake.

Speaker 12 So, does anybody know what he looks like, Anushka?

Speaker 11 I do because I have just written a book all about the election called Taken As Red, and there's a whole chapter in it called The Morganizer, which you can read all about his background.

Speaker 11 He's 5'10, tall, fit, ginger hair, not fit.

Speaker 13 Well, not fit. Is he fit, Anushka?

Speaker 12 I'm gonna have to push you on this. I'm gonna do a Jeremy Pax.

Speaker 13 Not my type.

Speaker 11 He is quite unassuming-looking, but quite an eccentric guy. I was researching his organising when he was in Lambeth in his late 20s, early 30s.
And for four months, he didn't take a day off.

Speaker 11 He set up a camp bed in the office so that he could sleep there. They were trying to win Lambeth Council back for Labour.

Speaker 11 And someone told me he used to sit there in a waterproof poncho because he used to watch the leaflets coming out of the machine and it would spew ink at him.

Speaker 11 So he would want to protect his clothes from

Speaker 13 the ink.

Speaker 11 Quite eccentric.

Speaker 12 Does Does he think that's a good thing to leak?

Speaker 11 Well, it's obsessive. He was obsessive about winning Lambeth Council.
Well, and also he won the way they won Lambeth Council in 2006, they took all those same techniques into 2024.

Speaker 12 Okay, so look, it's been a bit chaotic at the heart of government, but there are things on the horizon which could win back public favour, genuinely.

Speaker 12 There's things such as strengthening employment law and potentially increasing taxes on the wealthy, which might play out well with the public.

Speaker 12 So, panellists, just talk about the employment law thing. Which new law do you find most sexy here? What are you excited about? Zero hours, that kind of thing?

Speaker 15 Yeah, I really like the law on zero hours contracts because it started with we're going to ban zero hours contracts point blank, and then there were issues with that.

Speaker 15 So now it seems as though the law is going to be we're banning zero hours contracts unless you really want one.

Speaker 12 Like now you're going to get sick pay if you're only off for four days.

Speaker 12 And I think there's a lot of us in this room that we would still have got in if we'd have lost a foot, you know, like after lunch. These kids now, they're staying at home working from home.

Speaker 12 Can I just say about working from home? Sorry,

Speaker 12 is that working from home? I'm sure that there are some people in the room and some people listening. I'll get a hostile reaction to this, but can they just admit what a touch it is?

Speaker 12 They've come up with this alternative theory where they go, oh, I think I'm actually more productive working from home. I think I get more done.

Speaker 12 You know, so do I, but none of it has got anything to do with work.

Speaker 13 Like,

Speaker 12 I get up late, I water the dog, I go swimming, I have a lunch, I watch a film, not even a short film, I watch Oppenheimer.

Speaker 12 Anyone else, this zero hours contract? Doesn't it make the economy more nimble having zero hours contracts?

Speaker 11 I think there's a new one or two, so like you get time off for maternity leave, but that's because you've got to look after other people's kids. That's the new early years framework.

Speaker 13 It's like a pyramid scheme of childcare. It's got to work.

Speaker 14 I think there was a thing in it that said, yeah, there is going to be a strengthening of workers' rights, but from the employer side, as a compromise, if I remember this correctly, there's going to be a nine-month window where you employ somebody, and if they turn out they're rubbish, you can still sling them off

Speaker 14 or they turn out to be pregnant.

Speaker 11 The nine-month probation period allows you to sack someone more easily than you are able to after.

Speaker 11 But, and this is what businesses are worried about: the right to complain that you have been unfairly dismissed starts on day one.

Speaker 11 So, even in your nine-month probation, you could still take your employer to an employment tribunal, and that is why businesses are very worried today.

Speaker 13 Why wouldn't they be worried?

Speaker 11 Don't sack people illegally. Well, that's what I spoke to the head of the TUC, Paul Novak, and he was like, businesses have got nothing to worry.
They've just got to be decent.

Speaker 12 But do you think that the reason Starmer's made it easier to sack people quickly is because he's looked around and seen who he's working with, you know?

Speaker 12 There's a risk in this, right?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I mean, obviously, the businesses are quite worried about it because we had someone on today who runs a pizzeria and we're saying the risk is that we don't take a chance on younger people who are less experienced because we worry more about if we make the wrong decision around recruitment.

Speaker 11 I mean, I think they are listening to business and they are speaking to business about it and they're trying to reach a compromise on it.

Speaker 11 And I think they would say, you know, you guys were saying they haven't really done much yet. This is a really big package of change.

Speaker 11 And I think for a Labour Party coming from the left on politics, it's probably quite a big move. Most of the trade unions, except Unite, are pretty happy about it, as far as I can see.

Speaker 15 Do you think that the Pizzeria would benefit from having a Mysterios or Consigliari Suprema?

Speaker 12 I mean, they've got this black hole, or is it a black hole? Is it something bigger than that, or a super quantum

Speaker 12 dying star at the centre of the universe?

Speaker 12 But Rachel Reeves, the IFS have said that Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to come up with at least 16 billion more to hit Labour's pre-election promises, which is going to be hard because they can't freeze old people to death twice.

Speaker 15 It's like, Jeff, the thing is, I don't think that you understand quite how angry millennials are with boomers. We'll give it a good old go.

Speaker 15 And it's like, you can't do it twice. I'm Hindu, baby.

Speaker 12 Yes, this is the news that Labour has gotten off to the worst political start since Sir Robert Walpole left his country manor wearing the wrong kind of pantaloon and inadvertently caused a Chartist insurrection in Hull.

Speaker 12 This has been the second worst week for a Sioux in British history. The first place is still retained by Sue Barker for that time she got tasered trying to smuggle Lambrini onto centre court.

Speaker 12 Morgan McSweeney is back and his name sounds inherently evil. Anything with Sweeney sounds a bit ominous.
It's like being called Danny Hitler.

Speaker 12 Yesterday the IFS said Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to come up with at least 16 billion more to hit Labour's pre-election promises.

Speaker 12 But don't worry, they're not going to raise taxes for ordinary working people, just greedy landlords, rich oligarchs, high earners, anyone with bifold doors,

Speaker 12 families with more than one telly, families with more than one kettle, people from Dudley, people called Dudley, builders, homeowners, renters, doctors, stockbrokers and people who save vibes.

Speaker 12 But not ordinary working people, because that would be unfair.

Speaker 12 So at the end of the round, it is four points to Team Garden Furniture and three points to Team Furniture in the Garden.

Speaker 3 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Speaker 6 Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

Speaker 8 In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Speaker 10 Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 12 Okay, this next question is for you, Team Garden Furniture. Whose surname didn't save him this week?

Speaker 15 Cleverly, James Cleverley.

Speaker 12 Yeah, it is James Cleverley.

Speaker 12 On Wednesday, after surging ahead in round three of their leadership contest, James Cleverly was unceremoniously dumped out as Robert Jenrick and Kemi Badenock made the final two.

Speaker 12 So having been destroyed in the polls after lurching to the right, the Tories have done the smart thing and lurched further to the right. Good stuff, yeah.

Speaker 11 You know, you ever come out of a nightclub with your mate and you're both too drunk to drive? That's what these two candidates are like. None of you are fit for the job.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I mean, you make it's interesting because the Tories saw cleverly. He did give a really good speech, and they were like, We're not having any of that, right?

Speaker 12 That is not what we do here, okay?

Speaker 13 He's an odd boy, isn't he?

Speaker 14 Jenrick? Jenrick, I do. I've never seen a man that needs a session on a sunbed more.

Speaker 14 Like, it's the end of the summer, and he's grey.

Speaker 13 What are you doing?

Speaker 14 Get outside.

Speaker 14 Why are you so indoorsy?

Speaker 14 He looks like a shade you can only get in a fancy paint shop.

Speaker 12 I mean, it was quite like as exciting as this Tory leadership race for who can lead the opposition who aren't going to get back in in five years could be. They might do.

Speaker 12 There was an audible gasp in the room, wasn't there, when those results were read out and cleverly hadn't made it.

Speaker 11 But can I just say, I think it's game on for the Tories in 2029, because Labour's majority looks much bigger than it really is.

Speaker 11 It's actually quite fragile in a way, because lots of the majorities are quite small.

Speaker 11 And they were all quite excited at Conservative Conference because they had that feeling and And they also saw that Keir Starmer was doing badly. I watched his speech in the hall.

Speaker 11 I thought it was quite funny that he basically said, We've got to be more normal. And they immediately kicked him out of the rank.

Speaker 11 There was a gasp in the room because he had done the best in the previous round, and so everyone expected him to be a shoo-in. But it turns out that MPs voting in leadership contests are duplicitous.

Speaker 11 I was just coming here from obviously the studio, and my colleague Iona was saying she bumped into a Tory MP who was saying to her, I'm backing James Cleverly.

Speaker 11 So, this was obviously before he went out. And he said, I mean, he's not the brain of Britain, he may not even be the brain of Braintree,

Speaker 13 but

Speaker 11 he's a jolly nice chap.

Speaker 12 He is nice, he's tall.

Speaker 13 How tall is he?

Speaker 12 I think he's about six foot. Do you know, interesting thing, actually, is for a long time Britain hadn't had a male prime minister shorter than six foot.

Speaker 12 And then we had Boris 5'9, and then we had Sunak.

Speaker 13 I mean,

Speaker 12 I don't think it's actually appropriate to mention his but like he I actually met Sunak once.

Speaker 14 Is he as small because I have to say the first time no he was alright actually but the first time you meet him it is actually quite intimidating because the first time you meet him you think he's far away.

Speaker 14 You think he's at least 100 meters away.

Speaker 14 You think you've got time to get it together before meeting.

Speaker 13 Then you feel his breath on your arm. You're like

Speaker 13 I mean

Speaker 12 I mean the thing about Kemmy right, at least Kemi is sort of exciting. Jenrick just sounds so boring.
He's like, if you cut him, he'd probably bleed Heineken Zero.

Speaker 12 He's that sort of the third most charismatic guy at a branch of Foxton's.

Speaker 13 That sort of thing.

Speaker 15 I find Kemi Badenock fascinating because I feel like all of her speeches are like the state neither should nor can do absolutely everything, like personal responsibility needs to be taken into account.

Speaker 15 And I think like lots of people can get on board with that and then she'll go like, and of course, like, if you fail in any way, I'm going to put you in a big, big blender.

Speaker 13 What about the people who fall through the the cracks in society?

Speaker 15 It was a bzzzzzz.

Speaker 11 I was in the room, like I said, for the speeches, and Kemi Baynock did get a massive cheer in the room. And actually, people were saying, Oh, James Cleverly, wasn't that speech well received?

Speaker 11 Actually, I thought she got an even warmer

Speaker 11 response from the Tory members who were in the room at the time. And lots of them were really worried that she was going to be kept off the ballot and that it would be a stitch-up.

Speaker 11 So, they're very delighted, I'm sure, that she got through. I mean, the only thing is, she does sometimes say things which you're kind of watching her speak, and it's all fine.

Speaker 11 And then she says something like I was watching her very recently, and she suddenly went, five to ten percent of civil servants are very bad, like should be in jail bad.

Speaker 12 I think she's underestimated that a lot. Five to ten percent, haven't it?

Speaker 13 I've seen that and I'll raise you ten.

Speaker 13 She's not got quite that.

Speaker 14 When Paul Pot first came along, everybody just thought he was messing.

Speaker 13 People were like laughing into their rice.

Speaker 13 Paul, you're a lunatic.

Speaker 14 There's no way we're going to execute everybody in glasses for being part of the indulgent bourgeoisie. But he showed them.

Speaker 12 Athea, what are your views on Kemi as a politician?

Speaker 11 Well, she's very odd. And I think that she could take this opportunity to be less odd.
So stop saying things like maternity leave has gotten out of hand. It hasn't.

Speaker 11 I promise you, when you have had your stomach ripped open and a child pulled out, you need a bit of time off, Kemi.

Speaker 12 Well, James Cleverly, he lost despite getting the endorsement from Boris, or in spite of it, or mainly because of it, I don't know.

Speaker 12 But Boris was only talking politics this week because he was out hawking his book.

Speaker 12 And in a recent chat with Five Lives Matt Chorley, he revealed that when he got to number 10, it looked like a crackdown when he arrived.

Speaker 13 Now,

Speaker 12 he was Prime Minister directly after Theresa May, alright?

Speaker 12 I didn't know that she was like that. Like, maybe running through Wheatfields was a metaphor for doing crack.
Like, you know,

Speaker 12 you see this interview with boris he got he got angry when he was asked what L people most associate him with liar

Speaker 14 he's a liar he's a compulsive liar to sell his book he was he claimed that he had got the top brass in the British military together to potentially put together an invasion of the Netherlands

Speaker 15 to be fair if I were Prime Minister I would also just off an afternoon be like, right, not got much on for the next 20 minutes or so.

Speaker 1 Invade the Netherlands?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Be a bit of fun. We can at least plan how it'll go.

Speaker 13 He claimed that it was going to be a small team of 12 men going to go to Amsterdam.

Speaker 14 And look, that's 12 English men in Amsterdam's colour stag do.

Speaker 13 It's fucking about.

Speaker 12 So this is news that the latest result of the Tory leadership election puts Starmer in a tricky position. By all accounts, James Cleverly did pretty well and has been kicked out.

Speaker 12 It's the most surprised ousting since Julia Swahalia was cut from chicken run two for sounding too old to be a chicken.

Speaker 12 Both candidates say they always speak their mind. I'm old enough to remember when that was code for when a relative was about to say something racist.

Speaker 12 At the end of the round, it is six points to Team Garden Furniture, but seven points to team furniture in the garden.

Speaker 12 Team Furniture in the garden. Who this week found out they have a hygiene problem?

Speaker 11 Are you trying to tell us something? Yes.

Speaker 13 Just saying.

Speaker 11 Kebab shops and small businesses?

Speaker 2 Food fraud.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I think you're there, really.

Speaker 12 Secret recordings capture businesses from small local restaurants right up to Sainsbury's, misleading customers with inaccurate food standards agency ratings in what experts say is a nationwide problem.

Speaker 11 So apparently, some supermarkets aren't as clean as they say they are, but they are clean in the morning.

Speaker 11 But after they've had a day of toddlers walking around shoving carrots into their mouths and putting them back on the pile of carrots, like they're not going to be a five, is it?

Speaker 11 It's going to be a three and a half.

Speaker 12 Yeah, some of them have got zero. I don't know.

Speaker 13 I think it's definitely got zero.

Speaker 12 I don't know what I think they should have pictures. I think zero should just be a bloke clinging to a toilet for dear life.

Speaker 13 Could you live with a with a one?

Speaker 15 I was once in McCuntleth and there's a pub that had like a one star hygiene rating and the owner of the pub had put a little sign below it saying this is nonsense we're appealing this they've made this up and everything and then beneath that someone had stuck on the outside another handwritten sign saying, Don't believe the landlord, I have the worst food poisoning of my life in this place.

Speaker 14 It's where I draw the line, I won't eat from somewhere that has a fish tank.

Speaker 13 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 12 But what if they're selling fish that are in the tank?

Speaker 14 Well, I wouldn't eat at a pet store.

Speaker 13 You wouldn't eat.

Speaker 13 I'll talk about other establishments that have got a fish tank.

Speaker 12 I'll take these off your hand, mate. Have you got any ketchup?

Speaker 12 I mean, it's weird though, the Osted One Worder is quite savage, and that's got a lot of coverage. But somehow, food places get let off with numbers when it should be words, wouldn't it?

Speaker 11 It should just be clean or dirty. Do you know what I mean? Why is it like

Speaker 11 it's an acceptable level of dirt? Is it clean or is it dirty? That's what I want to know. Don't say, Oh, it's a three, but what does that mean? It's just a bit of mould.

Speaker 12 Do you think, though, Athena, they should have like words that we could understand, like rank, minging,

Speaker 12 if you're drunk, fine?

Speaker 14 I think a four should be, you can scrape it off.

Speaker 13 And instead of three, it's just, who are you, the king of France?

Speaker 12 I wonder what the panel would be willing to go undercover in order to expose you.

Speaker 15 I've actually been undercover this whole recording. Tonight.
And everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this was earlier when I was undercover and I was outside Jeff's dressing room,

Speaker 15 and all I could hear from within was someone singing the red flag. And

Speaker 12 I opened the door.

Speaker 15 He was wearing a Sheguevara t-shirt.

Speaker 15 He was kissing a picture of Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaker 15 It turns out that this whole thing has been a shtick the entire time.

Speaker 15 It's all a lie. He thought that there'd be money in being the conservative comedian.

Speaker 12 I'm like, it's true. I'm like a political Billy Elliott.
I'm living a lie.

Speaker 11 I've been working with her here, and I've actually been to your house.

Speaker 11 And I've looked through the window of your kitchen.

Speaker 11 I hate to tell this to you today, but Jeff has a six-burner hob.

Speaker 11 Jeff's middle class.

Speaker 12 So it is devastating to hear this news about places like kebab shops.

Speaker 12 I mean, I always insist that staff wash their hands before serving me a pit of bread full of the lukewarm gristle that was blasted off a caribou's carcass, then swept bubbed from an abattoir floor and smuggled into the country.

Speaker 12 Okay, that is the end of the show, and now it's time for the final scores.

Speaker 12 Team, garden, Furniture, you ended up on eight points, but team, and I'm not being biased here because of class issues, but team furniture in the garden, you have 15 points.

Speaker 16 Taking part in the news quiz were Ahir Shah, Andrew Maxwell, Athena Kablenyu and Anushka Astana. In the chair was me, Jeff Norcott.

Speaker 16 And additional material was written by Cody Dahler, James Farmer, Tom Mayhew and Christina Riggs. The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Speaker 17 Hello, I'm Randy Feldface, a purple puppet from Australia, and I have managed to infiltrate BBC Radio 4 to bring you my very own four-part series about how to speed up climate change and end the planet as quickly as possible.

Speaker 17 Dear BBC, when oh when will you stop providing a platform to puppets?

Speaker 17 If you've never seen me before, Google satanic spawn of Barney the dinosaur and you'll get the jet right there.

Speaker 17 The point is the planet is getting hotter. We're on track for mass extinction and I want to see it happen.
It's Randy Beltface's destruction manual. Available now on BBC Sounds.

Speaker 3 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Speaker 6 Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

Speaker 9 In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed: from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Speaker 10 Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.