Guys: Episode 151 - Christmas "Guys" with Gavin Matts

Speaker 0 Ho ho ho!

Speaker 1 Welcome to guys, a podcast about guys. We'll just take a quick second to let people

Speaker 1 feel the Christmas spirit. It is the show is coming out on December 23rd, which is in America two days before Christmas.
Yeah, you seem to have a real fundamental misunderstanding of holidays.

Speaker 1 We have mostly all the same. It's just basically Thanksgiving that is where it's a different day.
But ho, ho, ho, as well. And welcome to the holiday edition of guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, I don't know what time when you guys do Christmas, but we're doing it on the American calendar, I would say.
And our guest this week, we always like to have somebody

Speaker 1 that's been on a few times. And he's one of our favorite guys, Gavin Matz.
Hi, Gavin. Hey, hey, I'm a bit of a hybrid, you know, because I live in New York City, but I'm Canadian originally.

Speaker 1 You're probably just going to stay in New York and celebrate and then fly to Canada on Canadian Christmas. I actually only celebrate Christmas in July.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. That's a good Christmas.
That is a strong Christmas. Is that a cocaine reference?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I like to do a little Christmas in July.

Speaker 1 It's not a cocaine reference. I know you're into that.
Well, I mean, it is a cocaine. It could be.
What is it a reference to? You know what I saw? Can I tell you guys a reason?

Speaker 1 Can you tell me what it's a reference to, please, Brian? A sale. Oh, okay.
They do those stupid sales in July, Christmas in July. Oh, I see.
Okay. All right.
You know what I saw yesterday?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you guys. Let me just start the show here with a little bit of Christmas spirit.
I couldn't get any.

Speaker 1 I didn't get any posts out of it, but I was looking for for posts on feet, foot fetish websites just on subreddits.

Speaker 1 And one of the ones that I thought was so fucking funny was a woman with her, with her sitting, like, uh,

Speaker 1 sitting on the floor with her foot up, and she had those, you know, those things, those like cheese graters you use on your foot?

Speaker 1 No. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm talking about, Gavin.

Speaker 1 They're like, it's not a cheese grater, but it's a thing to get the, like, the

Speaker 1 I never use them on myself.

Speaker 1 It's always a tiny woman who does it to me oh you you go you go get a pedicure and they'll use it they'll do it at a pedicure yeah and then i'm and they have to actually like strap me in like hannibal style and then they and then they because otherwise i tweak out you know i might hit somebody sounds like you're trying to make it sound like super hardcore and tough your pedicures but i mean you but you are getting pedicures i didn't know you were doing that it is it's basically like bdsm to me I don't think it's nice.

Speaker 1 That's nice.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You really have become kind of a Hollywood guy. Sorry, Brian, continue.
So, this lady's sitting on the floor and

Speaker 1 she's doing the thing with her feet. And she was like, Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Merry Christmas. And she had the dead skin on the floor.

Speaker 1 And all these guys were like, oh, I'd love to just lick that up. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's that's like beyond even like I find foot fetish stuff disgusting we've discussed it on the on the show we didn't i hate it it was the most disgusting episode but that's like that's so disgusting to me you know what i mean that's like dandruff level like that's like so gross to be turned on by that and i apologize for kink shaming that Well, I mean, it is what it is, you know.

Speaker 1 I apologize for kink shaming the people who get horny for the flaky skin fucking coming off of the bottom of someone's foot, but that's too far for me. I went to R slash Swingers, of course.

Speaker 1 That's where we go.

Speaker 1 And they posted a good meme. You guys remember your E-cards or some E-cards, those memes? I can show you a picture of it.
Okay. Please.
Yeah, because I don't remember.

Speaker 1 You'll remember it as soon as you see it, right? Oh, yeah. I do.

Speaker 1 I remember that. It was just a meme format.
It's like a drawing of something. And it's sort of like...

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When the e-cards started to come out, this actually wrecked my family because, you know, a lot of my family, they were working in the in the business of writing Hallmark cards.

Speaker 1 So then once anybody was able to write an E-card, it it it uh

Speaker 1 yeah, we started to have a couple bad Christmases. That was kind of like our factories closing or like AI.

Speaker 1 Now, are you doing one of your Hollywood? Are you doing one or is this a real thing? Because I think it's yeah, it's kind of like the first time like AI affected like jobs, you know?

Speaker 1 So they they kind of outsourced e-cards to everybody. And then, you know, my family, we kind of went into the red because that's how we made, they made all my parents made their money.

Speaker 1 Charlie just slammed. Charlie is slamming into the door right now of the office, like just slamming into the door.
You gotta ignore that.

Speaker 1 You don't understand how loud it is. It sounded like

Speaker 1 somebody was trying to storm into my, like, the police had arrived or something with a bad thing. I gotta go out there and tell him that he just interrupted my bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, hey, hey, Charlie.

Speaker 1 Charlie? Gavin was in the middle of a pre-prepared bit.

Speaker 1 He didn't care. He didn't care.
Well, the meme I have here says, when you said bring a dish to pass, I assume you meant my wife and that you were hosting a swingers party.

Speaker 1 Which, by the way, I'm going to critique this a little bit. I have never heard bring a dish to pass.
as being like a way to say bring a dish.

Speaker 1 Bring a dish to pass. Yeah, I guess just to pass around, but that does, that is a little confusing.
I've never heard that language, but I don't go to a lot of dinner parties, so I'm not really sure.

Speaker 1 Gavin seems like he would go to more dinner parties. Would that be something you'd see?

Speaker 1 So, do you think Santa excuses cheating on account of his infidelity, or do you think

Speaker 1 he kind of like

Speaker 1 you go to the body list for that? Well, yeah,

Speaker 1 well, yeah, there's an unbelievable song written about something he did to my family,

Speaker 1 and that was that was because my mom was stressed because of the E-cards took out.

Speaker 1 You're going to stick with the E-cards one?

Speaker 1 You're going to stick with that as the thing that you come back to, the E-cards one?

Speaker 1 No, I might switch it up. Okay.
Well, here comes the horny men

Speaker 1 off that post. First guy goes, ah, if only we'd been invited to that kind of party.

Speaker 1 Next guy goes, what a blast that would be. So are these people who

Speaker 1 are not? Damn, that's hot.

Speaker 1 how they are when somebody posts something about fucking their wife? They're all like, damn. Oh, yeah, it's true.

Speaker 1 Even if they have, I always wonder that, like, the guys commenting, are they guys who are like in the lifestyle, and they're, or they're just guys who are at home, like jerking off to the idea of somebody being in the lifestyle?

Speaker 1 Probably a bit of both, maybe. This guy goes, that's Santa Claus Smirk.
He knows what's on.

Speaker 1 Santa Claus knows what's up.

Speaker 1 You should not be like horny. Like, I actually do not get horny in stressful situations, which I assume delivering a present to everybody in the world is stressful.

Speaker 1 I'm like, how is this guy getting hard right now? Yeah, he wouldn't. It's true.
And he honestly,

Speaker 1 he doesn't strike me as a sexual figure. To me, he's asexual, right? He's like, he serves a different.

Speaker 1 To me, I don't know.

Speaker 1 He serves a different purpose in this world. He has a different calling than sex.

Speaker 1 You know, he's like, he's, he did that when he was younger, but he's like, he's also, keep in mind, he's an older guy, right? He's like very, he's an elderly man now, right?

Speaker 1 And why doesn't Miss Claus have kids? Like, do they need to do IVF? Like, what's going on with that? Well, it's because that's long past is my point. That's long past is my point.

Speaker 1 No, the kids are out. The elves are their kids.
Oh, she can't. Wait, what? That's the Lord.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Santa Claus and Miss Claus fuck all the time, and she gets pregnant and she gives birth to triplet elves every time she's

Speaker 1 still doing.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, triplet elves? Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's trying to account for the large numbers. He's trying to account for the large numbers here.

Speaker 1 Do you are elves born normal-sized, or do they just kind of slip? Okay,

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not really sure. The next person goes, My wife, this last guy goes, My wife is on kick flirting with a large cocked man from the next town over.

Speaker 1 It's our first sexual experience with another couple. She told him she'd love to be filled up by him.
She's soaking wet and has flushed cheeks. That guy's lying and horny.
That so makes me puke.

Speaker 1 And the fact that these guys always say my wife and never say her name, it's so weird. Like, I'd be like, you know what I mean? They're like, yeah, I want to pass my wife around.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I want to pass around Lauren. You know, like, why do they never say her name? It's strange.
It's disrespectful in a way.

Speaker 1 I think in some circumstances,

Speaker 1 she doesn't exist.

Speaker 1 These are single guys who are doing a classic single guy move of, like, because it's very easy online to pretend to not be a single guy and you can be like hey let's all discuss all of our sex that we have with everybody and then they get all the stories from people but they don't have a wife they steal yeah that's kind of sad it is like a guy who is like oh yeah my girlfriend she goes to another school but now they're grown up yeah learn yeah get no my wife love we love doing with my wife yeah they're called single guys we discuss them all the time that's it's a big issue in the pineapple lifestyle they're like a huge problem and yeah they have all kind of stories and stuff and they'll tell you all kind of lies.

Speaker 1 And you can get tricked by a single guy. Like some of them are super clever and like they will do all kinds of things to make you think they're not single.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This next one is weird. This was another weird post.
This is from a year ago.

Speaker 1 But it is, if you're a swinger, here's a little bit of advice for you.

Speaker 1 90 once a year, I don't know why they open with 99, but it goes once a year. It's not a bad idea to go through your lifestyle contacts and re-evaluate who you want to stay stay in contact with.

Speaker 1 We typically send a Merry Christmas text message and see if we get a response. We have a cell phone number for everyone we've ever met.
So they, so,

Speaker 1 this is a real good thing. It's kind of a cool end of the year thing, though, right? For a swinger, they're just like, okay, let's go through the swinger Rolodex.

Speaker 1 We send out some Christmas greetings, and all of a sudden, boom, New Year comes around. We got some dates.

Speaker 1 We're meeting up.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think that because they go, John sends them around as he typically is the one in contact with everyone. First, he eliminates the couples he does not remember.

Speaker 1 Old age, but lack of interest in our part, or either part. Maybe we tried to set up something, but it went nowhere.
Then, anyone with no phone number.

Speaker 1 Examples of positive responses we got this year were: Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. Can't wait to see you next year.
A sexy pick, a fun pick. Examples: Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
You

Speaker 1 and negative responses. Oh, they got.
No response. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ghosted.

Speaker 1 Who the hell are you?

Speaker 1 We are not in the lifestyle anymore. Oh.

Speaker 1 Finally. Sorry, but we're in the middle of a divorce.
Oh.

Speaker 1 We're not in the lifestyle anymore. Must be like, oh, man, you know, when you're like...
Wow, that was such a huge mistake we made to try that shit out. And then you're getting like

Speaker 1 this fucking, yeah, this message, this text message from this fucking old, nasty couple that you mistakenly had a sexual interaction with. And they're like, Merry Christmas, sweetie.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, it's, it's one thing to make a mistake on your own, but to make a mistake as a couple is tough. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's like two heads are better than one. And you're like, we both messed that up.
We're both,

Speaker 1 we both don't know what we want.

Speaker 1 It is like when my wife,

Speaker 1 so I quit smoking on New Year's Eve one year, like at midnight. I just was like, I'm never going to smoke another cigarette again.
And one month, my wife was like,

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So New Year's Day.

Speaker 1 Fair enough. Yeah.
Well, I smoked a cigarette 10 minutes before it was midnight.

Speaker 1 So my wife goes, my wife goes, my wife goes, I'm not ready to do that. I don't think I'm going to be quitting.
It's just not for me. And I go, fine, you don't have to quit.

Speaker 1 And she's she's like, give me a month and I'll quit. And that's what I think it is.
It's like, one, you're like, we quit smoking. We don't, we don't swing anymore.

Speaker 1 And then a guy comes in and says, do you swing? And you're like, no. And so the person that's asking, the swinger side of it is kind of like, oh man, it kind of makes me feel bad about what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would feel like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would think

Speaker 1 when someone quits something and then you're still doing it and you're like,

Speaker 1 yeah, like in anything, right?

Speaker 1 yeah like drinking like yo buddy let's go fucking you want to rip some fucking cocaine in july like you know it's july 13th let's go hit some cocaine and it's like it is i don't actually remind that's christmas though like i don't do cocaine anymore and it is really about anything like like that is really kind of like fuck man cocaine is for success you can only do cocaine if you're successful and rich or you're with your successful friends or you got yeah but it's so hard these days doing cocaine and being cool because you got to test it you know it's like it's like having unprotected sex.

Speaker 1 They're like, are you tested? You know, it's like, oh, you just killed the whole vibe. So anyway, this person goes, all of our active contacts start with the U.
Inactives move to W.

Speaker 1 Both letters are not often used for last names. For example, a person with an SDC profile, such as sluts 2045,

Speaker 1 goes from U slut 2045 to W slut 2045. The awful experiences are rated DNF.
So it would be DNF sluts 2045, as in do not fuck. Then we add a suffix, B for bisexual, S for straight, H C for instance.

Speaker 1 So man, oh man,

Speaker 1 are you even horny? Are you just interested in fucking statistics and data? I mean, this is too complicated for me. How are you even thinking about this stuff when you're in the lifestyle?

Speaker 1 This guy goes, my wife sends out Christmas cards to people for this very reason. We're the Houdini couple.
We basically, we just tend to vanish.

Speaker 1 It's her way of letting a lot of vanilla friends and distant family know we're still alive.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get her to do a lifestyle contact cleanup this week, headed into 2024, when we intend to be more active.

Speaker 1 And finally, this guy goes,

Speaker 1 We need to check back in with them. I looked at you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, check in. That's a good point.
That was 2024. That's a bit of a damage.

Speaker 1 Did they get us?

Speaker 1 I need to see it. Were they switching? I doubt it.
And finally, this guy goes, we do everything by email. We give an give and attend party.
So the list cleaning is sort of automatic.

Speaker 1 There's a field for phone numbers in the spreadsheet, but we don't have phones on everybody. Likewise with last names.
The list is separated into four parts. Active, 77.
Inactive slash quit, 10.

Speaker 1 Deceased, 15. They have 15 diseased.

Speaker 1 Swinging. Like, look, this is not, this does not sound like Christmas to me.
Like, swinging is too restrictive.

Speaker 1 It's so like boomer, you know, and I hate saying that, but it's like, just be in an open relationship and fuck if you want. You know, like, that's yeah, that's being yeah, that's oh, no pressure.

Speaker 1 You're putting a lot of pressure, and that's a bad thing around Christmas, you know, a lot of pressure, you know, like maybe your family, they lose all their jobs because the e-cards, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It cuts them out of the hallmark, and then and then and then and then there's fighting, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 There's so much fucking pressure like an apology note or something about the e-cards thing. Well, like we're gonna move what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 It's not even like a it's just like a why why are you getting it's just my life, man. Like, I don't know why you're like picking it apart.
Like, sorry, it makes you sad. Yeah, it was really fucked up.

Speaker 1 Just try another one. Just try a different one.
Tried like two more. Just tried a different one, a different one.

Speaker 1 New guys we haven't covered on the Christmas Guys episode yet because we just covered them this year. So let's get to a new kind of guy.
They're satanic guys.

Speaker 1 You can imagine they're going to have thoughts about Christmas. Oh, yeah, because it is technically a religious holiday.

Speaker 1 Celebrating anti-Christmas with my dad's family and Christmas with my mom's family, such as having divorced parents.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think it's just that's not the same for every divorce. I had divorced parents as well.
We just both, we've celebrated Christmas at both of them. Wait, your dad

Speaker 1 wasn't satanic at all? My dad was not a Satanist when I came to know him. I don't know what he did like when he was earlier in his life.

Speaker 1 My dad, ex-Satanist, my ex-satanist. He might have been.
He had kind of like, you know, he had kind of like vibes. Like, yeah, he could have been.

Speaker 1 You know, I know he used to do drugs and drink pretty heavy and stuff.

Speaker 1 And listen to like reds. You know, he was during that time and stuff.
So

Speaker 1 let's be honest. If your parents are of that age, I can relate to that.
That could happen to them. I can relate to that.
No, it even happened to my parents after the whole e-card started popping off.

Speaker 1 This guy goes, well, my dad absolutely hates Christianity, Jesus, and God, and just Christmas in general. So he celebrates his own black anti-Christmas.
I honestly don't know if other people.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 This guy has an anti-black.

Speaker 1 Black and Christmas. Black anti.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dark.
The darkness.

Speaker 1 This guy's got a dark heart. He is, it's really interesting because I think a lot of people who aren't religious still celebrate Christmas.
You know what I mean? Like, you have to be a real shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, I'm not religious. I celebrate Christmas.
I guess, but this guy's a Satanist. Well, I was saying.

Speaker 1 A Jewish friend of mine sent me an ornament, a Christmas tree ornament

Speaker 1 this week. Yeah, that's exactly.
There are people who have, like, exactly. It was a Pomerania.
Oh, because you guys have a Pomeranian. That's very cute.

Speaker 1 But yeah, so they obviously have a different celebration at the time. And a lot of them still celebrate and appreciate it.
But these Satanists, they're a different. They're Satanic.

Speaker 1 for a period of time. Look, look,

Speaker 1 a lot of Christians, you know, they believe that you're a Satanist if you believe in black Santa.

Speaker 1 Is Brian Dark Santa? Brian, you're a Satanist. You are a.
No,

Speaker 1 I'm an atheist, but I was a Satanist. No, he's an anti-black Christmas guy.
No, I'm a Satanist.

Speaker 1 I was a Satanist in 10th grade. Like, when I was in 10th grade, I found out that I had this teacher who's really religious.
And I was like, well, I'm Satanic. Just to drive her crazy.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But I did like the idea of being a satanic guy. You know what I mean? Like, but

Speaker 1 you would never be like.

Speaker 1 yeah, you would never have

Speaker 1 like, even during that time, you still would have like done Christmas stuff. Well, yeah, because you get presents for Christmas.
Yeah, that's what it's all about.

Speaker 1 And really, let's be honest, it's everybody knows this. It's not the religious aspect of Christmas has been stripped out of it, obviously.

Speaker 1 And at its best, it's like a celebration or just a chance to spend time with family.

Speaker 1 And then at worst, it's like, you know, obviously a commercialized holiday where you're meant to buy a bunch of shit from stores.

Speaker 1 But it's not really, the religious side of it is not really a big aspect of it. So anyway, he goes, I honestly don't know if other people do anti-Christmas.

Speaker 1 I just know for him, it was something he made up as a Satanist to cope with all the Christmas shit going on that he hated with a passion.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's a real satanic holiday, or if it is, I have no idea. Most Christmas stuff would be inverted or turned upside down, and the house will be decked out in black.

Speaker 1 Instead of the Christmas tree, we have an altar debaphomet where we would put presents. My friends who are witches also celebrate anti-Christmas as well.
Oh, cool.

Speaker 1 It's not just the witches are here as well. That's cool to fill the party out a little bit because it can't be that many Satanists around, right? So it's like, oh, we got the witches in the corner.

Speaker 1 They're doing their thing. A couple of, you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 and there's different types of Satanists. But I think for that type of a party, you got to get that umbrella big and just let anybody in who is against Christmas, right?

Speaker 1 But my absolute favorite was eating yummy food while watching horror movies and cuddling up with my dad and siblings on the couch or beating an upside-down inverted Santa pinata.

Speaker 1 And on the presents, he would always put from Satan instead of from Santa. That's funny.
It's easy. If you switch the letters around, yeah, it's an anagram.
I didn't even notice that.

Speaker 1 That's kind of cool, bro. Hey, Gavin, that's kind of cool.
Yeah, it is. I did notice that Satan, Santa.
But it seems like, hey, it's going to be honest.

Speaker 1 If you're getting

Speaker 1 together around the holidays, and the one thing is that you just don't like what the holiday is called, it still kind of seems like you like holidays and being around people and experiencing joy and having heavy food and watching movies.

Speaker 1 It kind of seems like you like Christmas. No, but you need to change.
Satan guys are so mad about like, like, listen,

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 What's the word?

Speaker 1 I'm sympathetic to their cause in a way where it's like, eh, you know, not everything has to be religious you know what i mean but it is that's what i'm saying but gavin i think what they're saying is they don't hey yeah you get along you're watching it's a wonderful life or miracle on 34th street yeah i think we'll be watching nightmare on elm

Speaker 1 elm street yeah

Speaker 1 so that's i think that they just they this is somebody who's like gothic kind of right you have dream do you have dreams because i actually have nightmares

Speaker 1 exactly okay somebody's not a satanic thing it's just a nightmare they don't like nightmares over there they Oh, they like to have nice, beautiful dreams, and then they wake up and they're like, oh,

Speaker 1 fuck. I had a good dream again.
I hate that. I mean, everybody wants to have good dreams.
I'm going to tell you. I just think this person goes, holy crap, that's amazing.

Speaker 1 If you don't mind, I want to start borrowing that tradition.

Speaker 1 Next, then he goes, I'm also stealing this. Your dad sounds awesome.
Merry anti-Christmas. And then here's a last reply to this one.
Sounds like your dad's awesome.

Speaker 1 Instead of Christmas, make it a blasphemous holiday. Ha ha.
That's a good idea.

Speaker 1 plus Jesus in my opinion is a fictional character and even if he was real he wasn't born in December Constantine made the holiday December 25th to try and overpower paganism and do away with it

Speaker 1 I'll bet you if you're related to this guy you've heard about Constantine a few times yeah people in his circle are well educated on Constantine here's a really good one too this is from r slash satan and i want to show you guys this because i think it's good Christmas dinner.

Speaker 1 Hey, I may be a non-believer, but food and family matter. And he's got some ham.
I think he's got some eggs for some reason.

Speaker 1 Oh, is he in a wheelchair? Of course, he's not a believer. I don't think he's in a wheelchair.
He's in a chair chair.

Speaker 1 Maybe. I don't know.
I can't tell.

Speaker 1 He goes. This guy goes, family, food, fun, and them.
And fuck anyone who tries to argue with you about it.

Speaker 1 And he goes, the OP is like, I had three more glasses of Nog all as well.

Speaker 1 I hate ignog, guys. I do too.
And then this next, I goes, yay, verily, the infernal blessing has been visited upon thee. I had to work from 6.30 p.m.
Christmas Eve to 6.30 a.m.

Speaker 1 Christmas morning, then do that same 12-hour overnight shift again from the 25th to the 26th.

Speaker 1 I implore you, Warlock Luthold, to bestow an infernal blessing upon a Boxing Day Nog and imbibe it in my stead.

Speaker 1 I'm it it in my stead imbibe it in my stead everybody that's a good that's a nice guy's phrase for the holidays i'm vibe i may not be there with you but imbibe it in my stead

Speaker 1 do you know what imbibe is uh gavin are you familiar with imbibing no i'll i heard i heard vibe no imbibe imbibe means to uh to drink it's the way whiskey guys are like a real refined whiskey guy instead of drinking he will imbibe on some whiskey.

Speaker 1 Freaking, of course. Yeah, so that's what he's referring to there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is the kind of guy who, that was a very chive-like kind of post. Well, we're a classic male.

Speaker 1 We're going to move to paranormal guys, and I think I found a really good post from the paranormal guys. Okay.

Speaker 1 Today I'm going to be writing about my one and only paranormal experience.

Speaker 1 Some might pass this off as silly and obviously fake, but it seems that this same occurrence or other similar ones have happened to other people.

Speaker 1 I've reached out to multiple people with similar posts on Reddit to see if they consent to me sharing those same posts.

Speaker 1 They will be linked down below as well as some articles I have found online about similar situations. My story takes place when I was eight, maybe nine.

Speaker 1 I was still a believer in Santa at the time. Therefore, my dad would make me sleep in his room

Speaker 1 so I would not be getting up and peeping around at the gifts or trying to catch Santa in the act. As most children, I couldn't sleep from all the excitement in the air on Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1 I heard the classic call of Santa saying the name of all the reindeer, then wishing a Merry Christmas. Obviously, I jumped up from my pile of blankets and looked out the window.

Speaker 1 I didn't see Santa, but I did see these glowing golden lights, almost like twinkling electricity, and then a sound of wind.

Speaker 1 I looked at my dad, was still in bed asleep, and we were the only ones there. So I don't know who else it could have been.
So let me go. Oh,

Speaker 1 I have a thought.

Speaker 1 I have a thought on who it could have been.

Speaker 1 Well, it's, I think, kind of obvious who it could have been.

Speaker 1 This is an adult, by the way. This is an adult now.

Speaker 1 All I heard was a bunch of moaning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. He goes, but I see these glowing golden lights, almost like twinkling electricity, and then a sound of wind.
I looked at my dad was still in bed asleep, and we were the only ones there.

Speaker 1 So I don't know who else it could have been. I don't remember anything else of that night.

Speaker 1 I obviously fell asleep afterwards, but I do remember telling the rest of my family on Christmas morning, then the neighborhood kids.

Speaker 1 At age 13, obviously, when I knew the truth about Santa, I had a strange experience where I was still up at midnight and I heard my door open.

Speaker 1 I quickly pulled the blankets over my head and pretended to be asleep. Then I felt a tug at the blanket, but I kept my eyes closed the whole time.

Speaker 1 I had not heard any footsteps, but I felt like it was Santa, and I wasn't supposed to be seeing this. I did not see anything, just the feeling.

Speaker 1 So, this guy also saw Santa as an adult. Oh, when he's so so

Speaker 1 that's sort of because it's like when you're when you're so yeah, okay, 13, but you're a little bit more aware than when you're a teenager of what's going on and you know about Santa and stuff.

Speaker 1 And so at that point, he once again felt the presence of Santa. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is there, I mean, I don't know. I might sound kooky here, but like,

Speaker 1 what was it then, Brian?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 he says, now let's talk of what this could all be. The most obvious thing could be just active imaginations of children.
I don't think so. I think it was Santa.

Speaker 1 But let's hear the other ones. Which very likely could be true.
I'm still told that I'm an imaginative person. I've also seen the theory that it could be filler memories, ones replacing other events.

Speaker 1 Often you see these with trauma, or even some say alien abductions.

Speaker 1 That brings us to the point some believe these are aliens or other beings taking the form of something familiar and non-threatening such as santa claus okay so let's skate over the trauma thing really quickly just get over

Speaker 1 that yeah i mean we'll get past that trauma

Speaker 1 alien to me you know i i

Speaker 1 because he's such a nice guy

Speaker 1 i feel like i feel

Speaker 1 i feel like the idea i think that was the important part there was like the trauma thing probably and then they move past that really quickly and then they're like but let's get on to what it probably really is the aliens and let's talk about that in depth the aliens that turn into santa claus when they come down on Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1 Oh, I guess you've never heard of a shapeshifter. That's actually one of the most common.
Yeah, one of the most common types of aliens.

Speaker 1 Okay, if Santa is an alien, how come I never got the ray gun that I asked for? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They don't actually have that technology. That's just from movies.

Speaker 1 I mean, Santa is an alien seems like a good

Speaker 1 point. choice.
A theory that I personally find super interesting is that is that of a tolpa, that so many people believe in this one thing. They manifest the spirit to come alive for the night.

Speaker 1 Let me know your thoughts below. There are many other posts on Reddit, Twitter, and the YouTube comments on Santa Claus sighting videos are hot spots for more sightings.

Speaker 1 So there you go. I mean, Santa Claus sightings is a little bit of an iffy one because he's just kind of a bigger guy with a big white beard.
So

Speaker 1 in a sleigh in the sky. You know what I mean? No, but I think if he is an alien, that actually complicates him kissing my mom.
You know, maybe it's some kind of alien hybridization type theory.

Speaker 1 And he actually goes around spreading his seed until eventually we're all

Speaker 1 aliens. He kisses a different mom every night.
Santa's asexual. Well, no, 100%.
Santa is on the 25th. He's actually asexual 100% and he doesn't kiss.
And he serves every

Speaker 1 higher purpose. And if you actually took his pants down, he doesn't actually even have a penis.
He does. He has big pants.
And when he

Speaker 1 wait a second, so you're sure it's big? Why?

Speaker 1 Look at him. I don't know, man.
The way he walks, the way he carries himself. No, but I don't know, man.
I don't know if you've seen kind of like a big old guy like that.

Speaker 1 They usually don't got a big one, man. No, guys with big belts always, big, thick belts.
You have a big cock that everyone knows of. Yeah, because you're keeping it in the belt.

Speaker 1 You got to flip it up and down. And it's also, yeah, and the pants he's wearing, they're like loose, you know?

Speaker 1 I don't want to be disrespectful, but I genuinely think santa might have a micro like or a little bit bigger than a micro but like a like a knubber like a full not like a just a knobber hitler hitler it just came out hitler has a micro penis so you think that santa is basically hitler no i don't i think that i know i don't think that that's that's an accurate thing to say at all i think that two different people can have micro penises and one can be a very wonderful person who happened to have a micropenis and one could be a very evil person who happened to have a micropenis everyone i've ever heard about that has a micropenis is a like a bad guy and santa is like think about people listening right now who have a micro penis i want to talk directly to you you are not a bad person you are seeing admit it yeah that's that's fine they're listening and they know and you're not a bad person but i do believe santa has a small penis casey affleck micro penises i don't think casey affleck has a small penis no look i'm hollywood yeah gavin is he's like goes to hollywood parties he's probably seen his dick or something so we gotta believe

Speaker 1 casey affleck i was in a movie with him he has a small penis

Speaker 1 we know a website. We know a website where

Speaker 1 they talk about

Speaker 1 maybe Casey Affleck, but it's mostly musicians, Gavin. You got to see it, where it's like groupies talk about, you know, having sex with how big the penis was of each rock star or whatever.

Speaker 1 It's a very interesting website. And Lars is annoying.
Lars, yeah. Lars from McConnell has a normal-sized penis, but it's very annoying.
It's what the people said who hooked up with him.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go. This is from R slash Ramp.
Plus, we have a rant guy coming up here in a second.

Speaker 1 But this one is, it was the night before Christmas, went all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, until the Trump-loving, self-absorbed neighbors decided to set off fireworks.

Speaker 1 This is a holiday about being kind and thinking of others, sleeping soundly and patiently until morning for Santa Claus. Instead, the whole house is awake and the dog's having a panic attack.

Speaker 1 Sure, we could put in earplugs, but that doesn't help the dog. And why?

Speaker 1 These aren't pretty fireworks. No,

Speaker 1 No, they're just intended to be loud and annoying. Fuck you, you redneck motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you got to make it political, but fireworks, I think, are fucking. I hate fireworks, too.
I mean, it is fancy.

Speaker 1 What if you hit freaking Santa with one of those?

Speaker 1 Ooh, good point, actually. You claim to be such a huge fan of Christmas, and yet you're shooting fucking rockets up into the sky where your boy is flying around.
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 That's going to mess with the flight path. That could mess with the flight path.

Speaker 1 At the very least, it messes with the flight path. And it could potentially kill one of these reindeer that you're singing about every year as if you're their best friend.

Speaker 1 And then what's going to happen? Vince Vaughan is going to have to be sent to then?

Speaker 1 Fred Claus? All he thinks about is Hollywood now that he's in Hollywood. He's a Hollywood guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fred of Claus, they called him. That's my daughter's favorite Christmas movie.

Speaker 1 Fred Chaws.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Here we go.
I'm going to bring up this rant guy.

Speaker 1 I think you guys are going to love him. I showed Chris a picture of him yesterday.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 He is really

Speaker 1 something here. You're going to love him.
He's got a great look about him. I was just, let me just say that it is funny to start a rant with it was the night before Christmas and then just lose it.

Speaker 1 Well, they call that the original rant.

Speaker 1 It was the night before Christmas rant.

Speaker 1 Like, that's what they, that was the first rant.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's like, instead of it being like a nice poem, it was like it was the night before Christmas and all through the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Not even a mouse. Exactly.
Yeah, Corn did a really edgy version of that.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, Rand Korn did a really edgy version of the night before Christmas.

Speaker 1 Okay, I gotta look that up afterwards.

Speaker 1 I think there's words that I can't play on this show. So here we go.
This guy, he's got some stuff to say.

Speaker 2 All right, I just want to start this video by saying merry christmas okay that's exactly what it is is christmas uh oh when i was a kid and i was growing up there was nothing else but christmas i never knew well that's not true

Speaker 1 the other stuff did exist

Speaker 1 you were just ignorant to it chris is going woke Hey, everybody.

Speaker 1 But he's trying to act like, well, he's trying to act like there was no Hanukkah. There was nothing.
He's trying to act like that shit didn't exist at all. I mean, that's absurd.

Speaker 1 And by the way, just for everyone listening you have to understand this guy's got a full like

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 like triangle peak hat it's a don't tread on me hat he's wearing the classic sunglasses he

Speaker 1 he looks like yeah he looks fucking insane and he's sitting up against this wood panel

Speaker 1 it's it's a fucking insane scene if you could see it the lace curtains the red lace curtains behind him the like hotel

Speaker 1 like it's it's like his the setting of where he is, the way he's dressed, everything about it is just completely ridiculous. He looks like a character, you know.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of anything else other than that. And I am so sick and tired

Speaker 2 of this liberal media and these political, correct people wanting to change and businesses that are too scared to say Merry Christmas and just say happy holidays grow a backbone.

Speaker 2 I don't know what happened in this country.

Speaker 1 He just came in.

Speaker 2 I don't know how Everybody is changing because they're scared that they might offend someone.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 This guy, he just approached the camera, everyone, by the way, too. So he's like gotten closer to us and he's like trying to seems like he's trying to intimidate us a little bit.

Speaker 1 Well, he's never going to intimidate me.

Speaker 1 This guy reminds me of like this girl that I follow on Instagram that like open carries into different businesses and see if they're going to. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He does got that look. Yeah, he's got, I'm sure he's done some shit like that too.

Speaker 1 Like gone into some some coffee shop with a big fucking shotgun on his fucking belt or something he's about to go off guys oh seeing santa at the mall with a shotgun shotgun on his

Speaker 1 like just like somehow fixed to the back of his life oh man there you go he's about to go off guys i'm just tired of it guys

Speaker 2 just tired of hearing the rhetoric the businesses on the radio

Speaker 2 That always say happy holidays or don't call it Christmas. you know at McDonald's you got something that I heard of that was called a holiday pie instead of a Christmas pie.

Speaker 1 Whoa

Speaker 1 And this guy I'm hearing reports.

Speaker 1 I still hate hearing I was this is

Speaker 1 I don't I mean listen, this is this is obviously an old video, right? He's not yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is from when this debate was a thing that was happening or whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm glad that this is happening, but no, I think it's over now. I don't think anybody really cares, do they? In The War on Christmas, is it still?

Speaker 1 There were other videos for more recent. I just like the look of this guy.
Yeah, because it just feels so.

Speaker 1 Obviously, people have said this a million times, but it's like to get hung up on something like this. And these don't strike me as like

Speaker 1 for religious purposes, right? Just racist purposes. Racist.
Yeah, here you go. He's got.

Speaker 2 I don't even watch TV anymore. I stopped watching TV a long time ago.
I got Netflix and I get movies through them and I watch movies, but I don't wanna

Speaker 1 hold a second.

Speaker 1 That is television. It seems like he still is actually

Speaker 1 prestige TV shows are like movies basically. So I'm watching them and they're basically a movie.
I mean, I'm watching a limited series. It's like a long movie, basically.
It's not a TV show.

Speaker 1 He's doing like the, so happy holidays is like all-inclusive, but he's doing that for like the other way. You know what I mean? He's like, I don't watch TV, but you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He's like, but I have Netflix and I watch all the movies. You know what I mean? He's almost being more open.

Speaker 2 He is with any of your commercials and any of your liberal media.

Speaker 1 No, no, that's why he doesn't.

Speaker 1 I get it. He's on Netflix because he doesn't mind TV.
He's the commercials. So that's it.
He's going to Netflix so he doesn't have to watch the liberal commercials.

Speaker 1 I don't even think it's all commercials. Like he likes some commercials.
It's just

Speaker 1 if a commercial is like, we wish you a Merry Christmas on a commercial, he's like, I love it. This is.

Speaker 1 He rewinds.

Speaker 1 He's like, turn it up. Let's.
He's like, turn it up. But he's like, and then, but someone there is like, that's watching TV with him, which I highly doubt.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But is probably like, well, the commercials are already loud.

Speaker 1 He says, turn it up, but then he realizes he's by himself and he grabs the remote and turns it off himself. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Throat every day. I don't need it.
That's all. That's all.
The TV has an agenda and it's trying to brainwash everyone and it's trying to get the ones that are young and up and coming.

Speaker 2 Now, I'm sure you all know of MTV.

Speaker 1 MTV is

Speaker 1 one of the biggest that's American much music.

Speaker 1 That's like the American version of Much Music.

Speaker 2 Here he goes. Liberal sewers

Speaker 2 that has ever been put out and broadcast over anything in the history of this country.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's that's big.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, it's the biggest liberal sewer

Speaker 1 that has ever been.

Speaker 1 You know what stays actually pretty Christmas-oriented is BET. So you should kind of watch that.
That is pretty much all

Speaker 1 Christmas like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's interesting, Gevin. Yeah, he does.
I think he's one of these anti-black Christmas guys.

Speaker 1 He might be. Yes.
He actually might be. We don't know for sure, but he might be.
He might be Satanic. We don't know.
Here he goes.

Speaker 2 I remember back when I was a little kid, and MTV played music.

Speaker 1 They no longer do. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 That's true, yes, sir. Hey, you can't lie.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, hey, when's the last time you seen it unplugged?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yep,

Speaker 1 you know what else they pulled the plug on? Christmas.

Speaker 2 Yep, MTV has done more damage to our country than any one entity that I can think of anywhere.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Even

Speaker 1 that's a big one. Even Israel?

Speaker 1 Al-Qaeda? Al-Qaeda. Let's see.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, I mean, there's got to be just like the United States government itself. Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 Well, this is before Trump. Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And this guy's, I bet you now, if you had a video of this guy, now he would be telling you all about how bad Donald Trump is.

Speaker 1 He would.

Speaker 1 He's a principal guy. You know, his name is.
Yeah. Defender of Freedom.
Defender of Freedom. This has a lot.
This has quite a few upvotes. People enjoy.
Can we see some of the

Speaker 1 comments on this one? Yeah. Best rant ever.

Speaker 1 I subscribe to H4T for this type of realness and candid display of courage. Merry Christmas.
Fuck yeah. Somebody says happy holidays to me and I smile and say Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 I'm even acknowledging those people are insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If someone says happy holidays and you go, Merry Christmas, you're the saddest person alive. Oh, yeah.
That's who these people.

Speaker 1 The people commenting on a video like this

Speaker 1 positively are very sad people. They're like,

Speaker 1 I need to go watch some videos, but like, fuck, man, this Merry Christmas shit, this happy holiday shit is out of control. And they're like, going happy for rants.

Speaker 1 These people weren't raised right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They have this show called The Real World, and I used to watch this back when it first began.

Speaker 1 This is so good. What soured him? Let's see what soured him.
Oh, I think you can probably figure that out.

Speaker 2 Began and a little bit after that.

Speaker 1 Like I said,

Speaker 2 back when it first began, and a little bit after that, like I said, until I got out of the whole TV thing.

Speaker 2 And on this show called The Real World, they would always put two gays or lesbians in the household of nine people, and they called this the real world. That's indoctrination.

Speaker 2 They're trying to indoctrinate the young people and make them think that's the way this is.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know where you're living at, MTV, but I don't believe that every seven or every nine people I'm around, that there's two gays or two lesbians in the house.

Speaker 1 Yeah, buddy. I hate to break it to you.

Speaker 1 But there is.

Speaker 1 Sorry. I need to see what he's up to.
Yeah, I'm going to look. I'll look at his.
Yeah, I wonder what his most recent video is.

Speaker 1 He's just cut to him blowing Santa.

Speaker 1 Like fucking, like

Speaker 1 the chair company.

Speaker 1 Chair Company, shout out to the chair company because I mentioned this before about how you can't have a hard penis shown on television.

Speaker 1 Shout out to the chair company for obviously it was a prosthetic, but showing an erect penis getting sucked on television. Shout out to them.
He reviews guns.

Speaker 1 He does story time. So there's Why It Hit Me So Hard When Ozzy Osborne Died is a recent one.
Okay, so he got hit by the Ozzy. Someone wrecked into my truck.

Speaker 1 Let's watch someone wrecked into my truck after this one. Oh, no, it's a Christmas episode.
Let's stick on Christmas. I promise I will put.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 we can get this guy on the stream or something.

Speaker 1 I need to see him getting emotional about Ozzy Osborne. It's the only time he's ever been emotional in his whole life.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In that show, you could do whatever you wanted. They go out, they party all night.
They bring some slut home from the bar, have sex, whatever. It's all good, right?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 2 good for the show, good footage.

Speaker 1 But what would have happened?

Speaker 2 if somebody would have brought a G19 so they could carry when they left the residence.

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Wait, he turned it into open carry rent. Wait, what? He's saying what happens.
He's saying, so they're bringing sluts home, having sex with them. But you got three guys on

Speaker 1 lesbian, but all of a sudden now, what would have happened? And he's not even saying that it did happen. He's just assuming a situation.

Speaker 1 He's saying, like, imagine if this did happen, I bet they wouldn't allow that. So he's just imagining all of it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 On MTV's real world

Speaker 2 for protection. Oh, it had been a whole big debacle.
They'd have been kicked off the show.

Speaker 1 Everybody had been like, oh my, he's got a gun.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But you don't know that.
You don't know that. You have no basis for that.
You're just assuming that that would have been the case.

Speaker 1 He's creating a scenario that is absurd also. He's creating this ridiculous situation that he can then be like, yeah, it's fucked up.
I mean, it's

Speaker 1 one of these, like... He's like one of these almost like kind of like, I don't know if it's like, what do you say, goraphobic people or whatever that can't like walk outside without a gun.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So he's it's really scary you you kind of nailed it gavin you said this looks like you know the the open carry lady who goes to the shops and says it seems like that's exactly what this guy is nice if she could if she could have been on the real world i think it would have been great i mean she would have shown she was on the real world she would have shot maybe like four or five gays or lesbians yeah

Speaker 1 the real world yeah why don't we why don't we make it like the real world he's just yeah that'd be funny he's just like honestly in the real world there's killing why can't they why don't they shoot him in the head oh that would be crazy.

Speaker 1 Except that happens in the real world. You know,

Speaker 1 he's like, it's called the real world. And yet, um, yeah, we're not going to do mass abductions.
We're not going to do nuclear weapons on this show. Well, that's the real world, folks.

Speaker 1 And what about why isn't this a sex trafficking network?

Speaker 1 Why are we on a TV network? This should be a sex trafficking network. Yeah, what's going on?

Speaker 1 I thought it's called the real world, everybody.

Speaker 2 You know, everybody in the house would have, it would have been a whole big stir-up.

Speaker 1 so was that that was a pause that was a pause for wait you didn't you didn't pause that brian no okay go back was he was pausing for effect there okay let's see that again i think he was just caught up in emotions watch this right after stirrup yeah you know everybody in the house would have it would have been a whole big stir-up

Speaker 1 That's like when a little kid gets mad. Yeah, everybody.
When a little kid gets angry and they freeze and they kind of shake a little bit.

Speaker 1 Stirrup. Yeah, he really, he really lost himself in a boat.
He was there for a second. And that's why he wears his sunglasses.

Speaker 1 Because he's teared up. He's teared up with so much emotion that he does not want to display.
He's like, I can't. That's gay.
He's that's gay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the right of a man to protect himself.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 You could do anything else you want. You go party all night, get some sluts, bring them home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's a stuttering seed.

Speaker 1 I hate that. I hate hearing that.
I hate hearing that. Somebody said it on another post recently on Marketing Guys.
Somebody said something about it, and it was like really kind of jarring to hear.

Speaker 1 I hate that word.

Speaker 1 It's the worst one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have sex with other people.

Speaker 1 Wait, is that what Mike Zero's talking about when he says said the worst word?

Speaker 1 Chris? You a Zero Head? You're into entertainment news, right, Gavin?

Speaker 1 So you probably don't know Mike Zero, but he's a big entertainment guy.

Speaker 2 The house, whatever. Hey, do what you like, but when it comes to protecting yourself in the Second Amendment, no, that's where we draw the line.
You can't do that.

Speaker 2 I hate MTV, I hate what they stand for. And let me tell you, there's a whole world more.
I could go into on MTV, but my channel would probably get shut down if I did.

Speaker 1 Fair, fair. Those powerful men at

Speaker 1 MTV would definitely come after you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's like, I could say a bunch of stuff about MTV that I want to say, but it's like, honestly, it's, I use a lot of like slurs in my everyday language and stuff that would probably get me kicked right off of YouTube.

Speaker 1 I want to do terrorism,

Speaker 2 so I'm not going to go into all that, but I'd just like to say to everyone: Merry Christmas. Thank you.
Yep. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Keep it alive. I'll never say anything different.
I don't care if I'm the only one left in this country.

Speaker 1 It will always be.

Speaker 1 If there are a thousand people saying Merry Christmas, I will be one of them. If there are one person left, if there are no people left, I have died.

Speaker 1 This guy is really, he's really taking a stand here. And I would love to check in on him

Speaker 1 and see on the stream and everything and to make sure that he's still, if I catch him, I would love to watch every single second of his footage. And if I catch him even once saying happy holidays,

Speaker 1 I don't think he would ever say that. I hope not.

Speaker 1 Let's check in with some guys I really like.

Speaker 1 It's time to get excited, everybody, because you knew this was going to happen.

Speaker 1 Santa Claus was real until he forgot my present picture of Chuck Norris.

Speaker 1 Chuck Norris peed down a sewer and the Ninja Turtles were born. I've heard that one.

Speaker 1 No, he peed on a car and Optimus Prime was born.

Speaker 1 I think I've heard the Ninja Turtles one, too. I think we might have even done the Ninja Turtles one, but that's...

Speaker 1 Here's Here's a great one.

Speaker 1 That wasn't an atomic bomb bombing. It was Chuck Norris sneezing.

Speaker 1 So these aren't Christmas jokes? Well,

Speaker 1 the first one is Santa Claus. Santa Claus is real.
I got you. Neally forgot my present.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about this one? How about this one? Chuck Norris can get five just by adding one plus one.

Speaker 1 How? How would he do that? I mean, one plus one. One plus one is five.
It's pretty easy to to find. But he gets, he gets

Speaker 1 Chuck Norris is able to change maths. Yep.

Speaker 1 Because he's so strong.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
The worst thing to happen in any.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you don't know, you sound like a pussy if you don't know that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know that Chuck Norris can change all kinds of stuff just with his strength alone.

Speaker 1 This guy goes, the worst thing to happen in anyone's life is not when they know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, but Chuck Norris is.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 That doesn't make sense. Some of them don't.
Some of them don't because these aren't professional. See, Gavin, you do tour around, you do your stand-up or whatever.

Speaker 1 You're treading these days.

Speaker 1 You don't need to brag. You're treading.
But these guys are not professionals, and they're not even like...

Speaker 1 professional Chuck Norris joke writers in the sense where they're allowed in the regular Chuck Norris joke writing circles.

Speaker 1 These are like way down in this Facebook group of people who've been sort of kicked out of all the other groups. So some of them you will find they're too long.
Some of them don't really make sense.

Speaker 1 Some of them are very tough to follow. It's not like the ones you guys say at the comedy cellar at the table.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 You're in New York, too. This guy probably has actually been to the fucking comedy cellar and shit.

Speaker 1 You probably play at the stand, right? You know, you probably play at the stand. I play at the stand.
I play at the cellar. Wow.
I wonder. These guys probably are.

Speaker 1 Did you ever play with Gino Biscante? You ever been on a show with him? He's one of my Chuck Norris

Speaker 1 only does the easy takes in the movie.

Speaker 1 Santa leaves milk and cookies by the fireplace every night of the year for Chuck Norris. Santa does.
Yep. Oh.

Speaker 1 Hey, let me ask you a fucking follow-up question right here.

Speaker 1 Why is Chuck Norris going to the North Pole every day?

Speaker 1 Well, probably because he's so strong or something. I'm trying to, yeah, no, I'm not really sure.

Speaker 1 You try to go back to he's strong. He's the most powerful.
But yeah, again, some of them are not really dominant. Yeah, that one is just like Chuck Norris is just staying at the North Pole every day.

Speaker 1 He might be Santa.

Speaker 1 He's like a house guest. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's swinging. Maybe he's swinging with Miss Claus.
Here's a guy that I think, one, doesn't understand Santa Claus, and two, doesn't understand Chuck Norris jokes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Santa Claus watched out. Santa Claus stopped crying because Chuck Norris is coming to town.

Speaker 1 You better watch out. You better not cry.
You better not fight.

Speaker 1 They're not telling that to Santa Claus. They're saying that because Chuck Norris is about to be no, they're saying it to the kids in the song.

Speaker 1 What Brian is saying is in the song, they're not saying that to Santa. So the person seems to misunderstand that song as well as the Chuck Norris.
Yeah, that's not one of the best ones.

Speaker 1 And the Santa Claus myth. Does it have any likes? That one? That one has two likes.
Nice. You know, it's crazy that people are still talking about chuck norris when

Speaker 1 these he's in fact completely irrelevant

Speaker 1 well this guy goes completely irrelevant excuse chuck norris is completely irrelevant well then guess what i guess relevant must have just called in to

Speaker 1 have chuck norris i'm trying to i was trying to do a

Speaker 1 i'm trying to do a chuck norris show the point is gavin he's not irrelevant to these people these he is like the benchmark for like chuck norris jokes are the best jokes still to a lot like you have to understand that like the amount of jokes that are still being made about chuck norris keeps him relevant yeah this guy goes

Speaker 1 it keeps them having somebody to talk to yes and they're together they're all getting together they're doing chuck norris jokes this guy goes chuck norris designs builds and donates all christmas gifts every year everywhere santa's just the deliver boy no yeah that makes sense see that's what i was saying before about the whole milk and cookies thing what if the actual santa claus is chuck norris and santa's just his little delivery boy that's out doing his things and bringing him his milk and cookies well that's actually that's actually that actually brings up a great point about christmas is like um who is actually the hero in the situation like is it the people making the toys or is it santa for bringing them you know what do you hide hold to a higher yeah i can help you with that because i'm a prominent leftist yeah brian's prominent leftist

Speaker 1 We look at on this show, we're like the elves. Obviously, hey, elves, you know, and Santa Claus is a freaking landlord.
Yeah, we hate Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 He's a landlord, and that's why it's like, I don't know why you guys are gassing him up about his huge fucking pecker earlier. The guys are

Speaker 1 mad.

Speaker 1 Do you think that

Speaker 1 Santa would have voted for Zoron Mamdani? Yes. No, Santo's a Cuomo guy.
Santa would be a Cuomo guy. He'd be a Cuomo guy because he's just like, he'd be afraid of Mamdani

Speaker 1 unionizing, unionizing the elves and helping them unionize and getting sort of better working conditions.

Speaker 1 Santa's rhetoric is actually Santa's kind of like, oh,

Speaker 1 do you guys forget about 9-11? Did you forget? No, shit. He's a real person.
I guess you forgot.

Speaker 1 I guess I just realized he's actually probably a Sleewall guy.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, and the elves are all Mamdani voters. Yeah, they're Mamdani voters, but I think he's a Sleewa guy.
He's a Sleewa guy in Europe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's just, and he's just like, honestly, New York, best fucking city on earth. Like, he just loves New York City, Santa, right? He's just like, it's a great fucking city.
Oh, every year.

Speaker 1 If you want to see fucking, you want a Santa Claus spotting? You just, every year, it used to be the Empire State, but every year he does a couple of laps around the Freedom Tower.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah, because he remembered.

Speaker 1 And because he's a big fan of NYC. I went to Rotten Tomatoes to look at some Rotten Tomatoes, guys.
This is some reviews of the movie Elf.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Listen, all joking aside, I think we can all, this was a, when I I was a kid, I loved this movie. I thought this was one of the funniest.

Speaker 1 Can I just say, my dad hates this movie, and he, he's always like, that guy's acting so silly. It's like,

Speaker 1 well, this guy goes. That guy's acting fucking nuts.
Like, you're like, yeah, no shit. Like, chill out, man.
You're supposed to be working still, you know?

Speaker 1 It's like have some sort of decorum in your, in your, I understand.

Speaker 1 It's like joyous, but well, he would, he, he did, he probably would have liked the movie before the whole like E-card started popping off.

Speaker 1 That's God.

Speaker 1 I was, you know, when you said your dad, when you mentioned your dad, I thought, God, I hope he's forgotten with all the, you know, I hope he's forgotten about the E-cards.

Speaker 1 Benjamin reviewed Elf on December 24th, 2024,

Speaker 1 Christmas Eve. Okay.

Speaker 1 And he gave it three stars. Weird.

Speaker 1 Unnecessary review. I've always said if you're giving something three stars, you don't need to review it.
Three out of five means you don't need to review it. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 enjoyable, but also a bit excessive.

Speaker 1 Elf strongly benefits from will farrell's lively performance and its tonal consistency but it also suffers from its overtly goofy nature dated effects and dialogue or humor that is often hit or miss dated effects like what do you what did that mean was it was it heavy uh special effects heavy i thought that was all kind of done in a silly way it was never meant to

Speaker 1 right it's not it's not it's all kind of like lies in his

Speaker 1 stupid thing or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 And then it was dated, like, they could totally tell that it was fake or something, or I'm not sure. Like, I just, it seems weird to talk about this movie.

Speaker 1 It doesn't strike me as that type of movie where the effects were a big part of it. This is another one that was done on December 24th, 2024, and this is a three and a half star one.
Okay,

Speaker 1 it's a decent Christmas classic. I watched it too many times, I don't really enjoy it anymore.
Well, that's not fair.

Speaker 1 You got to review it from the first time you watch it, not like the time when you're like, just completely fucking.

Speaker 1 I think that's one of my favorite reviews I've ever read. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's tough, man. What are you supposed to do as a creator or whatever?

Speaker 1 You're making a thing and people are giving it like, nah, not that great because I've watched it so many times that it bored me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sean gave it four stars. Charming holiday comedy movie.
Can entertain both the kids and adults. Has great humor and can also provide serious scenes that make you love family and the holidays.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I can't stand like a classic, like, oh, this is a holiday classic. Yeah.
Oh, I know. I mean, like, like, what's the one?

Speaker 1 The Christmas Story, you know, that was the one in every, I'll tell you something, though. The one, the re, I love Christmas Story only because my dad loved it.

Speaker 1 It was like his favorite movie, you know?

Speaker 1 So I would, I like had an appreciation for it, but I always sort of had that same idea, like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 So we have to watch this. Watch this every year.
Yeah, like, this is a thing that we have to watch. Can't we just watch a new movie?

Speaker 1 Can't we have to spend time with you as well? Well, I love spending time with my friends. Yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 1 Douglas goes four stars. Modern classic.
Instead of watching the same junk movie set during Christmas, this one is actually a Christmas movie. I see.

Speaker 1 The next movie we're going to read, Die Hard.

Speaker 1 See, this is Christmas movie. Sure, it's happening around Christmas.
It's like,

Speaker 1 and everybody is just like, just say you want to to watch an action movie where stuff is blowing up.

Speaker 1 Die Hard is bad because everyone said it was a Christmas movie. And that's why we get like all these movies now where like Santa's Kurt Russell and he's like got to shoot someone in the head.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We get like John Wick Christmas because of Die Hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They did one. They did one with

Speaker 1 Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson.
Remember Mel Gibson was Santa.

Speaker 1 I just, I love Mel Gibson. You love his family.
You're a big fan of Mel Gibson. You took a turn.
You weren't a big fan of his before.

Speaker 1 And then, first, at some point, you were just like, I like this guy a lot.

Speaker 1 There's something I like about this. Now, this, listen,

Speaker 1 Apocalypto was a good movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're absolutely right about that, though, Gavin.

Speaker 1 And that they'll just make things during, because they want that, like, sort of like that die-hard kind of thing of like, hey, let's get that audience, that Christmas audience. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they like goons. And there's one last year with a big polar bear in it.
There's

Speaker 1 There's one.

Speaker 1 What was the what? Oh, that was with The Rock. Yeah, what was the one with the

Speaker 1 guy from Stranger Things, the cop from Stranger Things? He was in one too. Oh, that one's good, too.
Silent Night, Silent Night. Violent Night.
Violent Night.

Speaker 1 Violent Night. Yeah, that guy, huh? You guys listen to Lily Allen's new album? It's all about him.
I've heard some stuff about him, too. I've heard some stuff about him.

Speaker 1 He's a bad guy. He's a cheater.
He's on the naughty list.

Speaker 1 I'd like to have a violent night with that guy after what he did to Lily Allen.

Speaker 1 I think he would. I think he's an owl.

Speaker 1 He beats you up, Gavin. Yeah, Gavin, I think he would beat the shit out of you.
Isn't he like huge? He's a big guy. Isn't he massive?

Speaker 1 I mean, you wouldn't have a violent. I feel like if you had a violent night with him, it would be him committing violence on you.
No, that's just he.

Speaker 1 No, he's actually not that big that you guys don't understand. Hollywood.
Oh, Hollywood. Hollywood.
I do forget that I

Speaker 1 forget that everyone's so small in Hollywood and they make you think they're big. That is some, like, the rock is like, so, like, is like smaller than you think, like shorter and stuff, you know?

Speaker 1 Like, everybody really is a little shorter than you think. James gave Die Hard five stars, and you know what he said? And this is wild.
Everybody, calm down. Die Hard is the best Christmas film ever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I said it. And what? And what, Gavin? What are you going to do about it? You're going to have a violent night with this guy, too? Yeah.
I mean, listen, man, you don't know how big this guy is.

Speaker 1 What's the height of the guy from Stranger Things? I I got to look this guy up. He's 14 feet tall.
I got to look it up.

Speaker 1 David Harbor. Is that his name? He's the size of a harbor, they say.
Okay. Die Hard, a film every man loves.
Hmm, Gavin, what's that say about you? I guess I'm a big, dumb pussy.

Speaker 1 He is actually only 6'2 ⁇ . So that is, to me, I thought he was like a big, giant guy.
But, Gavin, you're close to 6'2 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 I'm about 6'7.

Speaker 1 No, you're not, but you're like around my height, right? I'm 6'2, and I think you're around my height. So I think

Speaker 1 that you're pretty close to his height, actually.

Speaker 1 So now I'm starting to think, God, I mean, he's probably a bit thicker than you, but like, I don't know what you've been up to, if you've been training or whatever. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You might be able to get a couple shots in on David Harbor. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think he's going to wake up with a couple of stranger things when I'm done with him.

Speaker 1 What does that even mean?

Speaker 1 I don't know what that means. I'm not going to interrogate it at all.

Speaker 1 Let's go to R/slash Nostalgia, which is our new most hated guys. Yeah, we hate nostalgia guys.
They're so annoying, Gavin. They're the worst guys.
Guys are used to drink from the hose, man.

Speaker 1 Like everybody. That's the thing we learned.
Brian taught me that every single generation is like, man, we used to drink from the hose.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Drink from the hose.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I love water that gets cold in seven minutes.
Yeah, yeah. No shit.
It takes so fucking. Listen, we could go.
Shout out to Todd Glass. That's a Todd Glass bit.
I can't claim it.

Speaker 1 We used to drink from the hose and we used to come in the house

Speaker 1 after the streetlights came on. Like, once the streetlights is on, we got to go home.
And there are people that are 20 that are saying that right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There are people who are just like, it doesn't matter where you, when you grew up, you're just like, man, people don't even leave home anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah, people are. People are doing VR.
They work from home. They're doing virtual reality shopping malls now, I've heard.
We recorded this ahead, and so this is actually being recorded in 2020.

Speaker 1 So a lot of people are working from home right now.

Speaker 1 I have nostalgia for that time.

Speaker 1 This guy goes, this is so bad.

Speaker 1 I would give anything to experience Christmas as a child just one more time. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 This next guy goes.

Speaker 1 This one's really funny to me. Opening presents and receiving toys? Best feeling ever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember that feeling too before the e-cards started to pop off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you stopped getting them as soon as the e-card started going. Speaking Chris, so mad.
I know. This guy goes, especially toys from the 80s and 90s.
They were solid made. The colors were vibrant.

Speaker 1 Lots of mechanical goodness. Not the digital crap we have nowadays.

Speaker 1 Toys requiring a smartphone and making an account. You shoot your eye out, kid.

Speaker 1 Maybe I should start asking for Legos for Christmas. Those fancy sets that make flowers and stuff.

Speaker 1 Okay, hey,

Speaker 1 I'm in agreement with this guy. He should get Legos for Christmas.
Yeah, that's actually a good gift. Legos is a good gift, and they're always making new Legos.

Speaker 1 And a kind of cool thing about Legos is you can get them something that's like, hey,

Speaker 1 this has like a good,

Speaker 1 this is something you like, and it's a Lego version of it, right? So then that could be like they're in towards Legos. I'm actually a nostalgia guy in here.
I bought the Goonies Lego set.

Speaker 1 It's in my closet over here. I haven't started it yet because I'm still building Arkham Asylum.
Oh, yeah. You said you're not really liking that build too much, though.
Not too many stickers.

Speaker 1 I'd probably put a sloth in Arkham. That guy's nuts.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Well, we shouldn't lock him up. He's a good guy.
I know he starts out as a bad guy. This guy goes, I get my wife Lego flowers all the time.
They're great.

Speaker 1 Next guy goes, growing up really sucks ass.

Speaker 1 Growing up really sucks. I mean, that just, that just, that's nostalgia, guys, right there.
That just sums it up.

Speaker 1 They're just like, yeah, growing up, I wish I was just young and I had no responsibilities anymore. And like, I think everybody has those moments, or maybe I'm wrong, maybe I just do.

Speaker 1 You have a moment where you're just like, oh man, I've like got so much shit I got to do. I like, I missed a time when I had no responsibility, but it's like a fleeting feeling.

Speaker 1 It's not the overall feeling of your life. Most of the time, you are happy to have things that you can accomplish and like responsibilities and like different things that you could do.

Speaker 1 Like, it's, I don't know. I, I think it's, it's very, very sad and tough to listen to people who are just like openly saying like, I hate my adulthood compared to when I was a young child.

Speaker 1 And again, like, there's a certain privilege that comes with like me and you and

Speaker 1 Gavin, even.

Speaker 1 We don't have to go to an eight hour a day real job oh Gavin has a even better by the way we have like we have actually at least something that's kind of a job Gavin is a stand-up well Gavin do you still work on one of the hardest jobs you could get Gavin do you work on a TV show currently I have a movie I'm rewriting for Sony so no but okay you're rewriting a movie so that's a job That's a job.

Speaker 1 Okay. So you're rewriting a movie that's actually like that you've talked to a studio about.
So you're like doing something. It's not a spec thing necessarily.

Speaker 1 no no it's not spec it's not specific that's a real job and you did have a job where you worked on hacks obviously so you would have to go in and work and act actually isn't really a job yeah i'm just saying like that it's a fun we do a fun a thing that most people would be like oh this is This seems fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not an easy job and a fun thing.

Speaker 1 But also nostalgic guys, they get stunted and they think they had no responsibilities when actually they did have responsibilities at that time, but they ignored them completely.

Speaker 1 And now they're stuck on a time where maybe they didn't have to suffer the repercussions of not acting on those responsibilities. Yeah.
And I, I, I hated growing up. I'm an anti-grow-up guy.

Speaker 1 Like, uh, I didn't want to be a teenager. I, well, I did want to be a teenager when I was eight or whatever.
But even when I was a teenager, I was like, I can't fucking wait till I'm an adult.

Speaker 1 I said it on the episode. I would have taken a job in ninth grade.
Yeah. And just went to work full-ball.

Speaker 1 I mean, you had a different, yeah, you were kind of, and you were like out of the house immediately and kind of like you know so you sort of like I think it was sort of like you had an idea that you were

Speaker 1 You were and you were yeah, you were like an adult a little bit earlier or also

Speaker 1 Because your parents were mean to you Yeah, so that's also a reason why it's just like oh, this isn't so great I would rather be grown up where I can fucking live in my own house and make my own decisions and not have to fucking deal with you guys, you know this person goes thanks for punching me in the feelings bone.

Speaker 1 A rush of memories just came back to me super great memories but also sad because i miss them props to my parents and grandparents for giving me awesome memories yeah okay that seems that seems pretty healthy i think you know that's okay hey it reminded me of it and that was here's a guy

Speaker 1 christmas hit different in the 80s and 90s when you were a child when you were when you were a child and you would have a little stocking that your mom would make for you and you'd get up yeah it hit different and so did my dad when he beat me profusely

Speaker 1 that's the thing is like yeah christmas used to hit different i didn't like what i got and i used to get the shit beat out of me so i have a lot of filler memory where i think i saw santa and so i'm kind of stuck in a time where i i i have huge gaps and i forget a lot of stuff but i um when i really look back i think it was beautiful and it used to snow back then

Speaker 1 that's another one yeah yeah climate change because of the weather machines

Speaker 1 because these these jews are trying to kill Christmas, so they stop.

Speaker 1 I know you're saying it as a character and you're being the guy, but you can't be

Speaker 1 clip it up. Post it out of context.
This guy goes, what you really mean to say is Christmas hit different when I was a child, which is, of course, true about everything. He gets a reply.

Speaker 1 I'd say it's not just that. Of course, you would say it's not just that.

Speaker 1 Companies constantly put out Christmas stuff earlier and earlier each year now, and it ruins a lot of the magic for me personally.

Speaker 1 You're an adult you're an adult and it is that is a true thing that's true but i don't think that affects the children i don't think the children get affected by that where they're the young children are like yeah i don't know the kind of la it's lost its luster a bit because the the decorations and stuff are going up so early that i don't even get excited on christmas morning anymore here's the thing here's the thing here's the thing they put it out because you don't

Speaker 1 you wait to the last minute always you piece of and you don't get your christmas together and they're trying to help oh we'll do it next week oh we'll do it after american thanksgiving and then it's not up they're trying to help your ass get it up.

Speaker 1 They're trying to help you.

Speaker 1 You're bad at planning. You haven't thought about life.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a bit better right now in my adulthood at getting, but I'm a last-minute shopper, I'll admit, but I'm getting a little bit better with it where I'll be out and be thinking about it at least, you know, and like try to get it done maybe early December.

Speaker 1 Every day, start after like November 15th, you got to go on a walk every morning and be thinking about like,

Speaker 1 what am I going to do to like kind of get Christmas in order? You know, I got to see. Every day,

Speaker 1 I got to have like a 30-second meditation. Spoken like a true person who's fucking, you know, writing a script and doesn't have to go to work for 10 hours every day.

Speaker 1 I mean, come on, these people don't know what to do. Everyone keeps talking about it.
I got to travel. I got to fly around the country.
I got to do stand-up and I got to write.

Speaker 1 I got to use two different parts of my brain. My job is mentally taxing.
I have to be in front of people that most of the time. Stand-up comedy.

Speaker 1 I've done stand-up comedy as a job.

Speaker 1 It is hands-down down the easiest job that you can actually get in the world maybe podcasting but yeah podcasting podcasting is a little bit harder if you edit it or if you alle to do anything like that be absolutely joking me you stand-up is the easiest job anyone's ever done in the history you gotta be absolutely joking me to say that to me no it's one of the most important it's a literally thankless job i go around for and and make nothing on two item minimums these places are charging and i go around and i change change people's lives and perspective yeah and and you are out there on the front lines of the freedom of speech thank you freedom of speech people come to me all pc and confused and then you know what i said them right they don't even think about nostalgia anymore after me they just think about uh repeating my bits in the shower the next day i believe that maybe possibly like if there's a job where you literally stand there but other than that i mean you just are standing there and talking and you have the microphone so you you get animated.

Speaker 1 You get to talk louder than everybody else. So they try to talk and you can just talk louder than them.

Speaker 1 So you just have to talk for 45 minutes and then you get to leave and they give you money for it. It's like, it's very, very, very much one of the easiest things you can do.
I am not animated.

Speaker 1 So I don't get any exercise when I'm doing, whenever I'm on stage, but I only do it like five times.

Speaker 1 in the past three years. Anyway, this guy goes, kids these days will never experience the anticipation of waking up on Christmas morning because they all die on Christmas Eve, I guess.

Speaker 1 But going into your parents' bedroom to open Christmas stockings, presents, and then having to wait about two hours for your dad to wake up.

Speaker 1 Why don't they, I don't, does he not, does he really think that doesn't happen anymore? He doesn't. Why does he think that doesn't happen anymore?

Speaker 1 Like the people who grew up with it, right? Like,

Speaker 1 like us, we're the ones having the kids now. So do you not think we're doing it?

Speaker 1 Like, you are meant to be the one who's having the kids sir why don't you do it with your kids and keep passing it on and doing it that's what people do i think you you're right that either this guy doesn't have kids or i you know

Speaker 1 i just got real horny because he said passing and i thought about uh passing my wife off so someone guy to

Speaker 1 she goes uh uh christmas stocking uh he goes uh to wake up to be able to set the camcorder to record you opening all your presents. That anticipation was something else, man.

Speaker 1 Now, let me talk about that.

Speaker 1 I have talked about my growing up and that my parents had

Speaker 1 a little more money than the other people in the neighborhood, right? Like, not just, they weren't rich, but you know what I mean? We were like doing better. We didn't have a camcorder.

Speaker 1 We didn't have a camcorder. We didn't use a camcorder.

Speaker 1 So, like, the thing is, these are all kids that came from like very nice homes and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 The cam, not having a camcorder growing up is how I know that I'll never be famous or anything because they could never make a documentary about me as a child.

Speaker 1 Cause that's how you know every like famous person that has a documentary about them was like a rich kid is because they always have a camcorder. And you're like, how are they getting this footage?

Speaker 1 You're right, because I feel like I didn't grow up rich.

Speaker 1 I grew up like middle class, but like doing okay, like upper middle class maybe or like doing okay, having money, you know, and did not have a camcorder, like was not at camcorder level.

Speaker 1 And so it feels like, yeah, the people, at least when I was younger, people who had camcorders were like the richer friends, definitely. This person is very weird.

Speaker 1 And maybe we can, maybe you guys can help me understand this. I'd give anything to not have my parents lie to me and just be honest about holidays.
Jesus. I get it.

Speaker 1 I mean, my parents were lying to me a lot after the

Speaker 1 whole e-card. Yes.

Speaker 1 They told me Santa Claus was dead because they couldn't afford to give me presents.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they showed me a bunch of like super graphic photographs of Santa being like, you know, like a bunch of like fake blood all over him. Like one of those like crazy.
Santa at Benghazi.

Speaker 1 And he's like. Yeah, it's like, it's one of those like crazy sting operations they do, you know, where they setting up the spouse and making her think that the killing actually happened.
I

Speaker 1 feel like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I feel like this guy is saying, you know, he's he's really upset that his parents, obviously he's upset his parents lied to him about

Speaker 1 Santa and about like, you know, that he wanted.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I get, yeah, it seems like. I do have a friend who won't lie to their kids about Santa because they think it's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that either.
I think it's an insane thing to believe. I feel like this person maybe has issues with their parents that go beyond this.

Speaker 1 And this is just like one of the things that they, you know, some of the ammo they use in their fight against their parents. Here's what, here's another funny one.
80s mall at Christmas was amazing.

Speaker 1 It felt different. Now the mall doesn't feel the same.

Speaker 1 We got a couple other things we got to do. There is dudeism we learned about this year, so we do have to read how they celebrate Christmas.
Oh, yeah, Gavin, you were on the Big Lebowski episode.

Speaker 1 I think that was on that episode. You wouldn't stop doing Big Lebowski lines, and you were driving me crazy with that on that particular episode, I believe.
That's just your opinion, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. That

Speaker 1 was,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 December 21st in the northern hemisphere is winter slowstis.

Speaker 1 On this day, we acknowledge the darkest, coldest day of the year. Good for a bit of hibernation.
And then finally, hibernation. Hey, nice marmot.

Speaker 1 Just googled it.

Speaker 1 It's it's not even. After hibernations, and I go, hey, nice marmot.

Speaker 1 That is not even like a pivotal line in the movie.

Speaker 1 It feels like you're reading. Oh, you pulled it off again.
There you go. Nice marmot.
I realized that when they let the ferrets go

Speaker 1 in the tub, I think that's when that line. Yeah, okay.
Dudist missed is December 25th. It's hard to say.
Dudist.

Speaker 1 Dudist missed. Dudist missed.
While other people might be celebrating Christmas, some dudists prefer to celebrate Dudist

Speaker 1 which is a much easier version of the holiday. Forget about all the pressures associated with gift giving and making elaborate dinners.
Just have some pals over. Order in.

Speaker 1 You might want to burn some herbs to help invoke the spirit of the dude, but that's up to you. Wait, who posted that? Hey, I know that guy.
He's a nihilist.

Speaker 1 Actually, and it is the guy that we watched the video of. Here are a few jokes.

Speaker 1 That's too similar. Like, there's, there's been so many of those, like, there's the anti-Christmas, what's the Festivus or whatever, right? That was like the Festivus.

Speaker 1 Anybody who's kind of doing like the anti-Christmas thing or the kind of like, I think they're all biting from Festivus a little bit.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, it's like, I mean, it's a tough time of year, so you want to kind of like can be tough for people, you know, strikes and gutters up and down.

Speaker 1 So it's like, Brian, can you move on to something else, some other type of post so we'll stop doing this? Let's go to R slash jokes and read a riff. Oh, God.
R slash jokes. God, now he's...

Speaker 1 Brutal place to go. Brutal place to go, Gavin.
Brutal place to go. What do Christmas trees and old men have in common?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think of that.

Speaker 1 Something to do with not being able to get up?

Speaker 1 The balls are just for decoration. The balls are just for decoration.

Speaker 1 Wait, did they say decoration?

Speaker 1 No, I said that. I say decoration.
Yeah. It's a cool thing I do.
No, that's sick. Honestly, I thought that's fucking tight.
Thank you. The first guy goes, they both smell like pine.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Oh, I guess, is pine.
Is there some sort of thing that has a pine smell that old people use? Because they do have different smells, but I don't think it's pine. I don't think they.

Speaker 1 I can't think of a pine thing. Old people used to smell like mothballs, but this one's weird.
They both require a device to stand up.

Speaker 1 But they don't.

Speaker 1 don't well oh i guess because the christmas tree you put the little thing around it you put the like metal thing around it to and then sometimes an older older person will need uh but that's not all old people you guys are about to be blown away by this one it's a little dirty this is a little edgy okay both just want a new box under them oh that's pussy yeah yeah yeah a new pussy

Speaker 1 they look at their and they're like i wish there was a new jokes

Speaker 1 huh

Speaker 1 peanut well that's only all you can get. The guys who are writing these jokes, dick in their box.

Speaker 1 They're writing old children. Oh, I remember Dick in a box.

Speaker 1 That's a good Christmas one, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dick in the box. That's from Saturn Live.

Speaker 1 Live from New York. It's Saturday night.

Speaker 1 Why don't you get on that, Gavin? Why you got on the library? Have you thought about getting on that? Have you thought about getting on Saturn Live? Have you considered it?

Speaker 1 I auditioned a couple of years in a row. I didn't get it.

Speaker 1 Gavin,

Speaker 1 when I was like...

Speaker 1 Things aren't really working out how I I thought they would for me. I would just say, talk to Lauren.

Speaker 1 Buy him a bottle of wine. Find out the kind of liquor he likes or whatever.
Send it over to him. Have a meeting with him and tell him, hey, I'd like to come on the show.
Tell him your credits.

Speaker 1 Tell him you were on a TV show with like a bunch of people who are, some of them were maybe even on SNL, right?

Speaker 1 Some of them. Some of them probably know SNL people.
Just ask around and I'm sure

Speaker 1 you could get on. Here's what I didn't understand at all, but since it's a riff, I had to conclude it.
Maybe because you keep putting your Christmas tree next to other trees.

Speaker 1 I see.

Speaker 1 Wait, no, I don't. I have no idea what it is.
This guy goes, when you put a match to them, they damn near explode. Yeah, that's true.
If you put a match next to an old guy,

Speaker 1 forget about it. I don't know what that meant at all.
I guess they are there because

Speaker 1 they always be farting, maybe?

Speaker 1 Old guys be farting? I mean,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to figure it out. Here's one more riff here: where do stormtroopers do their Christmas shopping? Oh, where?

Speaker 1 At the store next to the Target.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's

Speaker 1 kind of funny. They're not good at shooting.
That's kind of funny. If you were a Star Wars guy, you got to admit that would get you.
If you were like a big Star Wars guy, that kind of hits.

Speaker 1 It's like a kind of a clever. Gavin, you're a comedian.
That's a decent joke. Yeah.
Yeah, I like that. If someone made that joke around me, I'd probably be like, fuck it, dude.
Let's go bowling.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. They also shop at the darth mall

Speaker 1 oh come on that's a great character that they should explore more yes aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper

Speaker 1 what is that what's the height requirement for a stormtrooper i don't know i have no idea this guy goes more like chris miss like chris

Speaker 1 yeah more like chris mid

Speaker 1 That's that's Chris James, actually. He's Chris Mid.
Oh, I said Chris Mid is one of my nicknames.

Speaker 1 That's one of my nicknames, actually, though, Chris Mid. Christ Mid.

Speaker 1 First original joke I've heard in months. What the hell? Well, how come? I guess this guy's not on reels.

Speaker 1 Too bad they keep missing the sales.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that's kind of similar. Take my up vote, please.
Take my wife, please? Is that... Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No, that's just take my up vote, please. I was just really into comedy mode there, and I started thinking of it.
You guys are about to get crazy.

Speaker 1 This is one of the greatest riff lines ever.

Speaker 1 Stormtroopers actually have near-perfect aim. They missed all those shots on purpose because they were told to.

Speaker 1 Hmm. Thanks for thanks for your contribution to the riff.
We're all just going to fucking head home now.

Speaker 1 Fucking ruined everything. That guy is a riff ruiner.
He came in and fucking. It's actually hurt.
That actually really pains me.

Speaker 1 And to know that he typed it and wrote it, I just can't.

Speaker 1 But you're a big riff guy. I mean, you're a big riff.

Speaker 1 You're a big fan of riffs.

Speaker 1 I like riffs, but sometimes someone riffs and then all of a sudden it zaps out any bit of your energy.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been at a

Speaker 1 had so many of those where like a guy tells a joke or posts an old joke? It's usually an old street joke. And then people just, there's like 250 replies of guys

Speaker 1 like making the joke. They don't, none of them understand it needs to be short.
You know what I mean? Which I think is like, I'm not a comedian or anything.

Speaker 1 And I understand that you've got the least amount of words.

Speaker 1 Most of the time, I mean, you want to turn the fat. You want to get in and out.

Speaker 1 I mean, there are obviously like, you know, Norm McDonald style old-time jokes where you're intentionally dragging them out for a long period of time to get to a big punchline.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that's not what these guys are doing. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you got to get in and out. It's kind of like a swinging with my wife.
Yes. And finally, one last rant.
You have a wife. Do you?

Speaker 1 My wife? Like, you

Speaker 1 do, you're just saying this. This is a public podcast.

Speaker 1 You're in the swinging community, Gavin. What do you mean? I don't have.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I have a huge wife. You don't know her.

Speaker 1 That's good. Okay, one last rant here before we get out of here.

Speaker 1 Looks like I'm getting a cold sore for Christmas again.

Speaker 1 Got my first cold sore last year for Christmas.

Speaker 1 We're trying to get this.

Speaker 1 It's like way too long.

Speaker 1 That is such a weird way to frame it because it does sound like somebody gave them a cold sore for Christmas. Maybe that is what they're saying.

Speaker 1 Santa gave him HSV1 or two.

Speaker 1 Santa does not have any sexually transmitted, no STIs at all because he's not sexually active.

Speaker 1 And honestly, if he was sexually active, it would be strictly with the tongue game because he's got a, he's got such a little, he's got such a little number that it's just like, and it's so difficult because his belly is so big, obviously.

Speaker 1 It's difficult for him to have any kind of penis and vagina sex. So he's mostly just getting the tongue game going.
Pussy and vagina.

Speaker 1 This guy goes, never had one before. He scissors.
He's got a pussy. Santa Claus has a pussy, and he scissors with people's moms.

Speaker 1 I don't know why that made me laugh. I just got to go chuckle out of Santa Claus having a pussy and scissoring with someone's mom.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think essentially it looks like he has one because of how small. I saw mommy scissoring Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 He goes, I can tell you for a fact, it's not an episode. And then sliding with Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 It creates a suction thing down there. With Santa Claus.
With Santa Claus. Yeah.
That's what I always under.

Speaker 1 I used to ask him, why aren't they bumping pussies? And somebody was like, oh, it creates like a suction thing.

Speaker 1 You think scissoring is done for suction?

Speaker 1 This guy has such little understanding of sex. I don't think they really scissor from what I've heard.
I heard that's just for like the porn. That's a lie.
Anyway, he goes, by the way. That's a lie.

Speaker 1 I actually won't believe that. I refuse to live in a rope.

Speaker 1 I've asked every person, every woman I know, and they all have scissored in the past. He goes, I've had them once or twice again since then.

Speaker 1 I take L-lysine regularly now, but I'm pretty sure today I woke up with a new one, and I'm running low on generic abriva. So now I gotta fork over another $15 for a little tube smaller than my pinky.

Speaker 1 I'm losing it. Smaller than this, this tube is smaller than Santa's dick.

Speaker 1 He should be asking for that for Christmas. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just get it in your stocking stuffer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. That's a perfect stocking stuffer.
It doesn't have to be your full gift, but like he knows what's going to happen. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to get it every year for Christmas. You might as well get the remedy.
It's a nice

Speaker 1 stocking.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, before we leave, we got to get him the remedy. Yeah.
I need a remedy. Remember that song? Probably not.
You guys, yeah, it's, I think it's a

Speaker 1 Black Crow's song, which

Speaker 1 I'm sure. I'm a fan of the

Speaker 1 thing that I got to kind of go.

Speaker 1 Black Christmas.

Speaker 1 I got to fork over another $15.

Speaker 1 Why is my skin against me? I've dealt with acne almost my whole life, and now I have this asshole. It hurts and it's hideous.
I hate this. I hate cold sores.
So that is our last Christmas rant.

Speaker 1 You know, not bad.

Speaker 1 Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Happy holidays. Oh, yeah, Brian.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Big smile on my face. Holidays.

Speaker 1 In all seriousness, happy holidays to everyone.

Speaker 1 Happy holidays. I'm really sorry.
Everyone, all seriousness.

Speaker 1 Happy holidays. I want to apologize for Gavin.
I'm actually talking about Kwanzaa.

Speaker 1 Gavin is doing a character when he comes on the podcast. So we want to apologize.
And Merry Christmas. Christmas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would say that I was a character when you haven't been through the things that I've been through. Like when my family, they lost actually a lot of money.

Speaker 1 The e-cards really popped off. It took an hour.

Speaker 1 Happy holidays, everyone. And here's to

Speaker 1 many more good years. At least a couple.
Bye, everybody. Bye.
Oh, Gavin, where can people find you? Yeah. Gavin, you want to play? Gavin,

Speaker 1 punchuplive.com slash Gavin Matts or whatever. I don't know, Instagram at Gavin Matt.
Punchuplive.com. That's a massive.

Speaker 1 It's like some touring thing that helps you get tickets and mailing lists. I don't know.
Just some people rage. I don't.

Speaker 1 But I'm like, if you're on that, like, look me up. I'm on tour right now.
I'm tipping a special December 20th in Toronto.

Speaker 1 No, we went to where, hey, that's cool. We were in Toronto.
That's cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And shout out to Rowdy.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Rowdy, our friend Rowdy. Yeah.
I'm Rowdy. He just came to my show in Portland.

Speaker 1 All right. We'll see y'all next week.
Goodbye. Bye.