Episode 195: Jaiya - Award-Winning Somatic Sexologist

All right, the time has almost come.

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Thanks.

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins.

You're listening to Habits and Hustle, Greg.

Today on the podcast, we have Jaya.

Jaya is an award-winning somatic sexologist with over two decades of clinical research and clinical observation under her belt.

She is also the creator of the erotic blueprints and was featured in the Netflix hit series Sex, Love, and Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow.

She has this theory and her system is based around these five erotic blueprint types and we all fall into one of these blueprints sexually.

When I tell you this podcast was fascinating,

it was fascinating.

I think you guys are really going to enjoy this podcast and all the information she has to share.

Enjoy.

I'm at the biohacking conference and I am now interviewing Jaya.

What's your last name?

I just go by Jaya.

Like Madonna.

Like Madonna.

Prince.

Exactly.

Her name is Jaya

and she is a somatic sexologist.

And I don't know what that is, but we're going to find out.

She did the goop, the Gwyneth Paltrow goops.

Was such.

Sex, Love and Goop.

Sex, Love and Goop.

And

I was really riveted by the episodes that you were in, which is why I really wanted to have this interview with you.

It was stuff I've never really seen before.

I was like blown away by just by all of it.

So I'm really happy that you're here on this podcast.

So So thank you for being here.

I love your excitement.

It's like making me orgasmic already.

I'm glad.

I'm glad I am because I, well, how can you not be excited?

I mean, I have never seen somebody,

you're so comfortable with sexuality.

I mean, not that that's, that's not as unusual, but like your approach to it and making other people, like getting them comfortable.

I've never really seen

that in that way before, which are you the only person who does this?

There are are a few of us who are somatic sexologists, but it is a quite rare profession.

It is, right?

And the comfort level thing, it was like years ago when I first started my career a few decades ago, it was like, How can I make sex as easy as talking about a cup of coffee?

Yeah.

Just so that we're just sitting around, we're like having a cup of tea, talking about sex.

Talking about sex.

Okay, so what is okay?

First, define what that is.

Is that actually, did you make that up or does someone else make up?

Somatic sexology?

Yes.

So somatic sexology comes from Joseph Kramer, who was my mentor.

And it's the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, and they had a somatic sexology portion of their training.

And so somatic sexology means that it's more hands-on.

Not just we're like sex therapy where we might just sit and talk about sex.

We're actually going to get more into like what's happening in the body and seeing like what's going on in the pelvic floor.

Because sex is something that happens in the body.

It's something that happens in our minds too.

Yeah.

It's on multiple layers.

And so we look at the whole layer as a somatic sexologist.

We're looking at everything.

So yeah, because doesn't it really start in the head, like in your brain, because of like emotional stuff and like behavior?

Isn't that, well, because it's for, I'm talking for myself anyway, as a girl, women in general, I feel like sex first starts with the brain and then the physical can follow.

Yeah, I feel like our B spot, the brain, you know, is one of our most powerful sexual organs that we have.

And what I've seen so far in working with so many people over the years is that we're all all wired a little bit differently.

So when you talk about like gender, how does gender affect that?

How do, how does, how we were brought up affect that?

How do our early sexual experiences affect that?

I'm really looking at that whole picture.

It's almost like I'm always being a detective

in terms of our eroticism.

And we have so little research around sexuality because it's so shameful still to even research that we don't always have the answers.

So a lot of it's just come from my years of clinical, you know, being with people and working with people, that felt experience.

Like, how is is it?

Because

I'm very good friends with Emily Morse, who's like the sex with Emily.

And she always talks about sex very openly and freely and says also, like, she talks about like masturbation, like you talk about getting a cup of coffee, right?

And I'm always like shy and uncomfortable and always like squeamish when she talks about it.

You know,

but it's a different, she does something very different than you, like you were saying.

Your stuff is much more touch and feel.

And

so I guess

my question is, is it becoming more, do you feel, feel, do you think in your, is it becoming more mainstream now than it used to be?

Yeah, I think that sexual wellness, especially for people who identify as women, is, we're just going to see it skyrocket in the next few years.

I've seen some predictions that say that that industry is going to be over $3 billion

because sexual wellness, women are becoming more empowered.

We're having this conversation and it's people like you, you know, who are having shows and we're having these candid conversations

where we can start to really peel back the shame and empower and own ourselves sexually.

But I'm still to be honest, and my whole like I still feel not shameful, but it's embarrassing to talk about it.

Like for me, still,

I feel like how much of it is like how you were brought up and like your and your experiences in the past.

Like, is it hard to break through if you've had a certain like background where it was much more shame?

Not because mine was much more shameful, but it was not something we talked about.

Like, it wasn't something that was like out in the open.

And it's hard to kind of evolve away from that, even if it is much more open and more mainstream now.

I think we live in a culture that is a sex net.

I think it's just the culture in general.

We live in that kind of don't talk about sex, be shameful about your desires.

I ask audiences all over the world, everywhere I've gone, did you learn about sex?

Did you have a good sex education?

And very few people will raise their hand in the audience.

And it's because we are getting a sex education.

We're just not getting a good one.

We're not getting a good one.

And so the sex education we get are the messages constantly that we receive from our parents, constantly from peers, constantly from,

even when we're not talking about it, that's an education.

That's something that's teaching you that it's not okay to talk about.

And so it's a journey to unraveling all of the conditioning and programming and really getting underneath, well, who are you?

Who are you really without all that conditioning and all the shaming and all the programming based upon what our culture and our parents and religion and so many things have taught us?

What's like the number one issue that you see the most that people come to?

Do you have like a lot of personal clients?

Yes, you do.

Yes.

Okay, so what is the number one problem that you see?

The number one problem people come to me for is usually a mismatch.

They feel like in their partnership that they like one person wants more sex, the other person doesn't.

One person likes a certain thing in bed, the other person doesn't want to do that thing.

And so it oftentimes it's it's not that we're sexually incompatible.

I think that that's a mythology.

it's that we have not learned who we are and so then we don't have a language to communicate here's who i am erotically truly who i am erotically and here's who you are now let's learn each other's languages it's just like learning a language it's getting skill sets more so than any kind of discrepancy that we have now there are true discrepancies you know sometimes there is somebody who wants more sex than the other, but I'd even go that take that down to personality typing.

It's still the typing of a person who wants a lot of sex is usually falls within one of the erotic blueprints okay i want to talk about the blueprint that's what i want to talk about what is the erotic okay before i even before you even tell me that what about pheromones what part of pheromones do that does that play in everything like people say well we have chemistry or you know i don't have chemistry with that person i have chemistry with this person do you believe in that do you believe in chemistry

absolutely so chemistry can come down to many different things so there's cranial nerve zero and our noise i'm going to get geeky No, no, no.

I love getting geeky about that.

Get geeky.

Get geeky.

I like it.

Cranial nerve zero, which is picking up the pheromonal signature of another person.

When you're doing that, the brain is reading

the immune system of that person.

So it's saying, do we make good babies with one another?

So there's a whole chemistry to that attraction.

But when you take birth control, it messes that up.

There was actually a study where they had women smell t-shirts and the people that they would have naturally made the best match match with they couldn't smell it anymore because they were on birth control so it's just really interesting like that fascinates me around me too around just what attracts us to someone then we've got all the emotional attractors based upon memory based upon how we adapted who makes our nervous system safe so there's there's just this huge thing that we need to look at in terms of our emotional connection, our biochemical connection, how our bodies feel together, the physical connection.

And then lastly, the bioenergetic connection, like what's happening on an energetic level.

This is when we meet somebody and we're like, you're my soulmate, or like, we know each other before.

Like, that's that sort of like unseen, mysterious part of attraction.

What does attract us to people?

Besides

what you were saying about the make babies together and the chemistry, what does,

in your education and knowledge, are the biggest attractors to people back and forth?

So there's a number of things depending upon gender too.

So yeah, shiny hair is one of them for like men because it signals that somebody's healthy.

So they're looking for markers.

Again, a lot of it comes down to fertility.

It's like, can that person produce healthy babies?

Can we make offspring together that's going to be healthy?

So they're looking for things.

The shiny hair is a symbol of estrogen.

Like somebody has more of that.

So that's one thing.

Like confidence, we look for that.

Can somebody protect us?

Can somebody provide for us?

That's women to got to men though, right?

What's men to women?

So the hair, the hair for sure, the health,

confidence is also one, sense of humor, those are some of the things that sounds similar to what women look for in men.

Yeah, we look for similar things.

We're looking for somebody who is healthy, who we feel good around, and who we connect with on multiple levels, intellectually, at the heart, and also at the sex.

So what happens, I'm sure you see people also who um because i'm sure this is like a that maybe they had a relationship that had a lot of sex in it at the beginning and then of course then children or whatever happens and they lose that sexual appeal for that person and they become friend they're in that friends feeling roommates roommates

how do you do you really believe that you can actually ignite that again absolutely do so a couple reasons why that happens the roommate thing yeah biochemically for about 18 months we're in a limerent stage.

And so we're creating different chemicals together during that time.

That starts to wane.

Then you have children.

That starts to wane.

If you were on birth control,

you go off birth control to have children.

All of a sudden, their pheromonal signature is different because you're actually smelling

the pheromones like we were talking about earlier.

So like all of these different factors that weigh in.

Plus, then there's just life.

There's, you know, once you start raising kids or you start doing all of the business and life and all of that, that can also

just, especially if you're in business together, you know, that's a whole other

thing.

Yeah.

And so there are three, we call it the passion trifecta.

And so these are the three things that we say start to create heat in each other.

Again, one is to have obstacles.

Once we're in a relationship, the obstacles go away.

Like we've won the person.

There's no more of that.

Like,

the challenge, the challenge is gone.

So how can you consciously create obstacles?

Like an easy thing during sex is like, we're going to have sex tonight, but we're going to keep, you're going to keep your panties on.

That's like a little obstacle.

You know, like

I never, that's a good one.

I like that.

Okay.

And then you get more creative in bed because, so there's more creativity that's naturally created.

Or like one is you don't get to see me before dates, like before we go out.

That's creating like a little obstacle.

Like we're going to meet out somewhere.

We're not going to see each other at home first.

You're kind of creating like some mystery.

Yeah.

That's the next one.

That's number two, mystery.

Oh, okay.

So obstacle and mystery.

So mystery is another thing that we lose.

We start to know each other so much.

We think that all this connection and closeness is going to create hotter sex, but actually it can be the opposite.

Right, I think it does to a certain point, and then it gets into like routine and day-to-day boredom.

Boring.

Right.

Yes.

Yeah.

God knows.

I'm just joking.

Just joking.

And then the last one is novelty or naughtiness.

So in the beginning, we have novelty naturally because everything's kind of new.

Yeah.

But we start to go to the same restaurant.

We start to go to the like, we start to have these same habits, right?

We don't have novelty anymore.

Right.

And we don't have naughtiness.

Yeah.

I like to tell the, like Romeo and Juliet is like a perfect example.

We have the story of Rome.

It didn't end well for them, but you know, they had irresistible attraction because they had obstacle.

They weren't supposed to see each other, different families, you know, no, big no.

They had mystery.

They met at a ball, you know, with like the masks and that, like all this mystery shrouded and everything.

And then they had naughtiness.

They broke the rules and they saw each other anyway.

And they had novelty because it was all new.

Yeah.

So like that creates such irresistible attraction that I mean, in their case, they were willing to die for it.

Right, exactly.

Because like it's like, is it more...

Okay, first of all, you didn't, I was going to say, I didn't want to, I don't want to jump somewhere else because you were going to tell me about the blueprint.

So tell me what that is, because I'm sure a lot of my questions will be answered within that stuff.

Okay.

So there's five erotic blueprints.

Okay.

The first one is an energetic and it's someone who's turned on by space, tease, anticipation, longing, yearning.

So they like the moment before.

So I don't know if you've ever been in like a situation where it's like, I'm going to kiss, we're going to kiss, we're going to, and all the excitement is in that.

And then you kiss, and it's kind of like, oh, like it's not quite as good, right?

So that's like very energetic.

And then the anticipation.

The anticipation is the turn on more than the actual physical thing is the turn-on.

So wait, before you tell me the right, okay, so are you saying that these

five erotic blueprints, someone, everyone has one that they kind of fall into with their with their what their blueprint is?

Okay, good, okay.

Yeah, everyone has an erotic blueprint.

It could be like some people might be 95% of one.

Yeah, it's just a little bit of a rest.

Some people have more, like, they're 20% of each one.

Right.

So, everybody has a different blueprint map.

Got it.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's the first one.

Yeah.

So, energetic and then sensual.

And this is somebody who's turned on by all of their senses being ignited.

So, this is someone who loves like the taste and the smell and the beautiful environment that they're in.

And, you know, all of all of that beauty they need in their erotic experience.

Okay.

Okay.

So they bring the artistry and they can have non-genital orgasms.

Energetics can have orgasms without even being touched.

So they all have superpowers as well.

Wow.

Okay.

Go on.

Yes.

This is so interesting.

Is this book out already?

It's coming.

It's coming.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Nice to know.

And then the next one's sexual.

And the sexual is someone who's turned on by what we think of as sex in our culture.

It's penis and vagina.

It's, you know, good to the orgasm.

It is nudity.

It is all of what we think of as sex.

Yes.

Okay.

Got it.

Okay.

And then the kinky is someone who's turned on by the taboo.

And there's two different kinds of kinkies.

One is like a sensation-based kinky.

So they're going to like that slap.

They're going to like more of like the feeling of the rope on their body.

And then there's a psychologically based kinky, which is more about the power dynamics and the play within that.

Okay.

My partner, he's both.

He kind of has the mix of both.

Your partner?

Yeah, yeah.

He has.

Yep, he's back there.

Oh, what's your name?

You guys have the best sex life with this one, huh?

Yeah, we're pretty extraordinary.

Oh my gosh, I can only imagine.

Wow.

Okay.

Sorry, Drya.

Okay, that's.

I think I saw you guys, by the way, like the other day walking around, and you guys looked very happy together.

So someone says, I've been enjoying all of your canoodling while you're here.

I saw you canoodling.

Yes.

How long have you guys been together for?

We've been together for over 15 years.

And we have a 13-year-old child, too.

Really?

And you're saying genuinely it's been good the whole time?

Well, not good the whole time.

Like we definitely, like before the blueprints and after our son was born, we went through a period where I was like, okay, I just went from sex goddess of the world to freaked out mom.

So even you, Jaya.

With all the tools that I knew, except for the, I didn't have the blueprints yet.

Like I had all the sex techniques in the world.

Yes, I knew all the good blowjob techniques.

I mean I wrote the books on them, right?

I know you did.

You did write the book.

I know.

It's so true.

I know.

And then nothing, like that wasn't what I did.

I couldn't get his interest.

I'm like trying strip tease.

Like, no, right?

Like trying to get him to do all these things.

And not into it.

Well, the problem was that I was initiating in my blueprint.

And I didn't yet, I didn't, hadn't figured this out yet.

And I love how when we have our own adversity,

we problem solve and we fast forward.

That's the best way to problem solve, right?

When you have that problem yourself,

you're much more interested and driven to find the answer for it.

So here I am a sexologist with all the techniques, but none of the techniques worked.

So what was I doing wrong?

And it was because I was approaching it from the sexual blueprint.

I would like touch his genitals and be all like, let's have sex.

And he's not into it.

And then we think also gender-wise, like, what guy wouldn't be into that?

Because we have a stereotype that all men are sexual.

Yeah.

Which is, we've debunked that through all the people who've taken the erotic blueprint quiz.

What we've found is that most men aren't all sexual.

They have a wide range throughout all the blueprints.

And so it's really lovely.

I thought all men were like really into, I mean, they're no?

Not into this direction.

So he didn't, he kept saying to me, like, you're being too obvious, you're being too direct.

And then he'd come to bed and cuddle with me.

And I'd be like, oh, God, he's cuddling.

Like, I'm rolling my eyes, like, oh, God, he's cuddling again, you know?

Right.

Like, he just wants to cuddle and go to sleep.

And I didn't recognize that his cuddling was him initiating.

And he didn't like the way I was initiating because I was too obvious in the way that I was doing it.

Too masculine, I would say, would be the word that we normally would think that would be, right?

Right, right.

And so when we took my own quiz, you know, later,

it was interesting because I was zero

kinky, which is his number one.

And I was like 5% sensual, which is his number two.

He was zero sexual, which is my number one,

and

like five percent energetic, something like that.

Really?

At the beginning, you know, when we first figured all this out, and so we were complete opposite.

Totally opposite.

So it looks like a mismatch, right?

It looks like, oh, that's why, and it makes sense.

Like, that's why I'm initiating in my language.

I'm speaking American English.

He speaks French.

He doesn't understand.

what I'm doing and I didn't understand him.

But before you had the child, you said your sex was like really good.

That was great.

So then, but you see, that would mean to me that it was a total match.

Did it, can it change over time?

Well, we had our son.

I was pregnant nine months in.

So we hadn't gone through the limerence phase yet.

So when we're in the limerence phase, you kind of naturally gravitate toward wanting to have a lot of sex.

And so you start to then, after that limerence phase, fall into your natural blueprints.

That makes more sense to me.

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Okay, what's the fifth one then you said?

So then the last one is the shapeshifter.

And the shapeshifter is someone who is all of the erotic blueprints and shapeshifts among them.

They're the most erotically sophisticated and intelligent of all of the blueprints.

And they're oftentimes the best lovers because they're shapeshift.

They can shapeshift and speak.

It's like somebody who's multilingual, you know.

How do you become a shapeshifter?

Or who are shapeshifters?

So I have a theory about this.

I want one of those.

Just in working with people is that I think deep down we're all shapeshifters, but we have been conditioned and programmed.

And through our traumas and hurts throughout life, we start to peel away parts of ourselves and we start to compartmentalize.

So your blueprint actually shows you where you're limited and the shapeshifter when fully developed and fully blossomed, they, you know, they are our ideal in some ways.

Not that I want people to start thinking something's wrong or bad or broken in them.

Like that's not the message here.

It's just that our wholeness actually, and I think our natural state actually is the shapeshifter, that we're all of it.

And then we've just said, no, that part's not okay.

And we put that part away.

Interesting.

My gosh.

And so where do you find them?

I want to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

we have noticed that everybody who's gone through our journey and our program ends up becoming a shapeshifter by the end because they do this work of the healing and like all of that.

So come join our community.

And

I was going to say,

I mean, I wanted to

find them.

How did you come up with this program?

Like, did someone help you?

Did you like just, how did it even come to be?

So I was in my office one day and I had a number of influences.

So Jack Morin, who wrote a book called The Erotic Mind, was an influence.

And he talked about something called your core erotic theme.

And it was all based on your peak erotic experiences.

So you take like your top erotic experience and go, well, that's your theme.

Instead of looking at dysfunction, looking at, well, what was positive?

Right, right.

And so I started thinking about that.

I thought, I love like personality typing tests, you know, like super into the Enneagram and like Myers-Briggs.

And I thought, nobody's done this for sexuality.

And so I just started paying attention.

Like, well, what, what's happening?

How are my clients wired?

And what is it that turns them on?

And I'll never forget, I was in my office one day here in Los Angeles and I was hovering my hands, like showing this couple.

He, he had erectile dysfunction and they weren't connecting sexually.

And I was just showing her like how to not touch like energetically.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he he opened his eyes and he looked at his body started shaking and he looked at me and he was like, what is happening?

And then you got this erection and she's looking at me.

And i said you're wired energetically and that was like my first like oh okay this actually is a thing and then it took me about five years working just clinically with my clients of like really honing kink was the last one of course because i was zero kink so it was the last one that i saw on my own partner's kinky it's so funny that is kind of it's always that way it's murphy's law right we're six and a half years into our relationship and i finally figure out all i need to do is lay some ropes on the bed and he totally wants to have sex exactly right who knew who knew right

And so,

yeah, it was just so fascinating to watch the whole thing unfold.

And then when I started speaking about it, people coming up and just be like, oh my gosh, this makes so sense for like all my past relationships or the relationship that I'm in.

And watching all those ahas as people recognize themselves.

And then also people saying, like, thank you because I felt like I was broken, like energetics, especially feeling so misunderstood.

Like nobody understood, stands that like going after my clitoris and pounding on it and rubbing on it

isn't the thing that's gonna get me there.

I'm actually just dissociating out of my body because it's too much, too quick, too fast.

Well, that's why I first started this whole podcast by saying, Isn't it mostly in your head?

Maybe it's not for everybody like that.

Maybe it's only for some people.

I always assume as every lot of girls were just like that, and maybe it's not true, right?

Right?

We have seen from the quiz, and I think we've had over a million people take the quiz now.

That's a lot.

Two, over two million, says Mayo.

Two million.

What do you do, by the way?

Do you run the company?

Oh, you run the company.

What's the company called?

The Blueprint Company?

The giant blueprint breakthrough.

Is that what it is?

Yes.

And you run the company.

So, how long has this company been around for?

He's my CF, CPO, my chief pleasure officer.

I love that.

Oh, my God.

Such a good name.

I love that name.

Yeah,

I've been doing this for a few decades, but we've actually had the company, I think we launched around 2011 was when we launched it.

That's a long time.

Yeah.

How come I'm just, I guess it's funny.

The show just kind of brought you much more to the general masses, right?

Because

how do you know unless you know?

And we, because we don't have this conversation, you know, it's not out in the mainstream.

It's just, even it's hard for us.

Like, we can't advertise.

We can't, like, even sending emails and stuff.

We get kind of lumped into like porn or we get lumped into like a lot of other stuff.

Where even just us being able to educate, like, I can't tell you how many times I've been kicked off of like YouTube or social media when it's just me, innocent me, you know, sitting there.

Innocent me.

Yeah, innocent me.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Just talking about these things, you know.

Well, I guess that's true.

Am I going to get banned by putting those words on my...

Am I going to, they probably will.

They'll probably like shadow ban me, right?

Maybe, I don't know.

For saying those words.

It really depends on if they're on to you.

I mean, I mean, they might be.

After between you and Dave Asprey, I'm going to be totally banned.

It's like thrown off of Instagram.

Well, as Dave says, then you're just dangerous.

Then you just know that you're dangerous.

Yeah.

And

that's not a bad thing.

But

they're throwing off, like, they're throwing a lot of people off right now.

You probably don't notice.

It's so interesting, you know, this is censorship of education.

Yeah.

And

that we need this education.

I mean, imagine having had this education when you were in school.

Right.

And I would love to see these curriculums in high schools.

And we've gotten some of this in some really progressive high schools where they're talking about blueprints and helping people understand who they are and how to communicate and having consent conversations.

Yeah.

And it lowers abuse.

It lowers 100%.

In countries who have more sex positivity, we see less crime.

Yeah.

For sure.

Exactly.

I would imagine that would be the case.

I mean, wait, so I was going to say something about personality.

You were saying something about personality types.

Have you, did you see any kind of correlations between personality types?

Like alpha males tend to be this blueprint.

Alpha females tend to be that.

Like, is there any?

We haven't done any research on it yet.

I would love to see it.

I love stacking these.

Yeah, I think they're so

like a stack.

Ian calls them stack hacks.

You know, like you can kind of hack yourself by knowing yourself

deeply by going, okay, here's who I am on the Innogram.

How does that tie into my erotic blueprint?

Here's, you know, I'm really high testosterone,

alpha, you know, like super, does that tie into my sex?

Or do I mask myself as a sexual?

Because that's what I'm supposed to be.

Right.

You know, so I think that happens a lot because a lot of alpha males are low testosterone, actually.

Right.

And that's why they're compensating a lot of times that's just my psychological like 10 cent you know you know thing but yeah i mean that would be such an amazing study like how does biochemistry play a role if you have higher testosterone are you more likely to be sexual um i am a high testosterone vulva bodied human right so um

that does that play a role in me being such a sexual human yeah how does all of this like nature nurture bio like it's so fascinating

but you don't have any like research or stats on i don't And I would love to see somebody do that research.

It'd be amazing.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, so...

We'd have to put that on our questionnaire next.

What is your testosterone?

You know, we have, we have like gender, we have relationship style, like those things.

And personality style.

Like if you're...

I mean, I just think all of it's super fascinating.

So what do you do when you see something?

Like, what's the first thing that you look at?

Or how do you make people who lost their, you know, thing with each other, the sexual,

how do you bring them back together?

The first thing we look at is the blueprints.

So we create a map.

It really is about knowing yourself and where you're at right now.

Just like people, you know, here at the biohacking conference are talking about like, what's your bio, gut biome, and what's your DNA?

It's the same thing with sexuality.

We want to look at that whole picture.

And so I'm looking at, well, what's your erotic blueprint?

What's your sexual history?

I look at four main things when I'm doing an intake, which is the blueprint, of course, as the foundation, but then it's what's the biochemistry?

So what's the testosterone levels and what is the estrogen level?

You do do look at that too.

I'm looking at all of that as well.

I'm looking at physical traumas.

So did you childbirth?

I mean, that's a big one to women's pelvic floor and how that affects libido.

And so we've got all of that that we're looking at.

Scar tissue.

Yeah.

That affects libido?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Because if you're in pain, are you going to want to have sex?

Oh, you mean like that?

But also bioenergetically, that's another thing I'm looking at, the third thing, bioenergetics, is if you have scar tissue, let's say you had a C-section, it's through the midline.

there is a vessel that goes an energetic vessel that goes through that if that is cut off now you've cut off drive oh that's so interesting so just from an energetic level you have energetically a block there when you have scar tissue And if you haven't had that and it was regular.

If you've had a vaginal birth, you may not have that same thing.

Right.

But there could be also adhesions or scar tissue you don't necessarily know about that aren't visible.

Like maybe you didn't have an episiotomy or a tear,

but maybe there's an adhesion that's grown somewhere inside the uterus of the cervix.

You know, I'll like circumnavigate the, I'm doing my nose, but people can't see, circumnavigate around the cervix to make sure there's no adhesions to the vaginal wall, because if that's there, then the cervix can't get out of the way during sex.

You don't have uterine flight because it's adhered into the vaginal wall.

This is, and what's the other one that you were going to say?

And then the last one is the emotional.

So what's happening emotionally.

So is there trauma in your history around sexuality?

Most of us do not escape life without some kind of trauma, anything from a bad vaginal exam or prostate exam to, you know, being cat-called.

These things then create armor on our bodies.

And interesting.

You know, and then there's deeper sexual traumas that people experience in their lives.

And then how do we unravel that out of the body, not just from the psyche, but so that the body tissue also isn't stuck in whatever that trauma was.

Now, is there ever a situation where people just aren't attracted to each other and like there's nothing, there's like no therapy, no coaching can ever help?

There can be.

I think that that place is when people are in a place of unwillingness.

That's the number one bust.

Like once we've got one person who's just like, I'm unwilling, I'm resistant, I'm not going to change.

This is how it is.

That's challenging.

And then you have to make a different choice.

You know, you could do conscious uncoupling or you could talk about opening your relationship at that point or, you know, maybe transforming that relationship con you know that in a way that's helpful so that everybody gets their needs met.

How did you become this?

Like how does like what's your what was the like evolution of you?

Like how did you be like people don't just become a somatic sexologist.

Like what were you doing before?

Were you a like what were you doing?

So this has been my whole life.

I've dedicated literally dedicated my whole life to this.

When I was a kid I wanted to be Dr.

Ruth when I grew up.

Like that was like I aspired.

I wanted to be Dr.

Ruth.

So somehow I must must have seen her on something when I was really young.

And I

wanted to help people with relationships, sexuality, love.

You know, I was always just like a lover.

And so I became very, I would go to the library.

I would sneak to the library.

I lived in this little small town.

And I would get all the books on sex and romance novels and read them

because I wanted to know all the information that I could find.

Like this was like eighth grade or something like that.

I wanted to know everything.

So I was either going to be a singer or I was going to be Dr.

Ruth, one of the two.

And it kind of

obviously became Dr.

Ruth.

And then like what was the first, what was your first job or your first thing that you did to kind of get you to this?

Like what before you were this, what were you doing?

So I have all kinds of really fun stories.

So when I, the moment I turned 18, I wanted to become an exotic dancer because I wanted to go into the field to learn like the underground of sexuality.

Like I was fascinated with the whole thing, Like, what is this world like?

And let me go.

Like, the moment I turned 18, I started dancing.

You were an exotic dancer.

I was an exotic dancer.

So I would like go to school, like, study.

I was a singer at church.

Like,

no, does anyone know this about you?

Yeah.

So

I have a lot of fun stories.

So I was doing that.

That's so interesting.

Were you always super sexual?

Yeah.

I was a very, from a very early age, just again, like curious.

Yeah.

I wanted to know.

It's amazing that I made it as far as I did in terms of being as sexually free as I was because I had so much trauma, but also so much

religious upbringing of escaping like the

method, the messages of Catholicism.

Oh, that's how you grew up a Catholic.

Yeah, yeah.

I had the little school uniform and everything, but I used to kind of roll mine up, you know, above the knees, but the nuns didn't like it.

Wow.

Yeah.

So you were always kind of just like pushing the envelope a little bit.

I like, it's pushing the edge.

Yeah.

So you also had a lot of trouble.

But I was such a rule follower in everything else.

It was like, but in this thing of sexuality, I just felt like something's not right.

Like this is, this brings me closer to God.

Like that was like when I was young, I would be like, God and sex go together.

Like for me, it was almost like a spiritual practice.

Really?

So were you very sexual?

Did you have a lot of partners when you were young and all the?

No, and this is the other thing is that I was, while I was a very like sexually expressed person, I was also very conservative.

Really?

And so like, I didn't, I didn't, I still to this day have not had many sexual partners.

I love to pair bond and have a lot of sex with the person that I'm pair bonded with and also have a lot of freedom within that pair bond.

So intercourse wise, you know,

I'm more interested in

what are all the other fun things that we can do and what are the other fun things that we can play with.

Because I used to make a rule that if I had sex with more than 10 person, that I was a really big slut.

Yeah, I remember that.

By the way, that was always the thing that we heard, too.

So, you had less, have you had less than 10 partners?

I went over 10 a few years ago, and I was like, oh my gosh, I went to 11.

I'm a big slut.

Now, it must, now I have to move my number to 20.

Okay, wait, so hold on, don't wait.

Now, of course, that you have to, okay, she's telling me to wrap up right now.

I'm not wrapping this up.

I have one more question.

So you are married.

You're staying a few years because you've been married for 15 years.

We've been together for 15 years.

We got married, yeah.

Okay, so you've been together for 15 years.

Does that mean you have multiple sex partners?

Because if you said that you just passed the 11, that means you guys are, are you guys able to have, are you guys more of a swinging couple?

Is that what they think?

We have an open relationship.

And I have long-term relationships that I've been with for many years.

So I have two 20-year relationships.

He and I have been together for 15 years.

And then I have one four-year relationship.

Okay.

I know.

Your brain is like.

How am I supposed to be doing a podcast for 20 minutes about this?

Are you joking me?

This is like more interesting than.

So wait, wait.

So this is only one of your partners.

This is one.

He's my anchor partner, my nesting partner.

We live life together.

Or we say we love.

We're lifetime lovers.

Okay, wait.

What is this?

We're lovers for this lifetime.

So you guys, that's it.

So the 15-year partner is your anchor partner, which means that you guys, that's the one that you're going to be talking about.

We live together, we have our son together, we have a business together, we live life.

We live life together.

We live a life together.

But then you also have two other partners that you've had for 20 years each.

Yes.

But they're like, you see them only once in a while.

I see them once in a while.

And then one helps us raise our son.

Like a nanny?

He's with our son right now.

Like a nanny.

Yeah.

It makes life so beautiful because it takes a lot to raise a child.

Yes.

And

it's so beautiful to have a village.

You know, we get to have

more influence, more adults.

There's so much love.

We have a high level of emotional maturity and consciousness around the whole thing.

And that's why I have long-term relationships.

So who's the four-year guy?

He's new.

Well, apparently.

What's his whole situation?

He's also open.

He's very open.

And so it works because he's just,

you know,

he's been in this lifestyle for a long time.

Okay, but do all of those other partners have other partners too?

Yes.

And so we have total freedom.

So Ian, the 15-year partner, how many other partners do you have?

Two additional current partners.

Two additional?

And how long have you been with each of those?

About three or four years.

Each?

Now, what happens?

Do you play favors?

Do you like, does one like feel, you feel more, like, what happens if you, with your anchor partner that you have, like, do you ever like feel like you like or want to be more with the 20-year partner or the four-year because he's new and exciting?

That kind of

jealousy happen.

It can, but we're all, I mean,

so here's the key.

And I was telling someone this last night here at the conference.

They were asking us about this.

And I said, you know, I think the thing that makes it all work so well is that I love myself.

And my partners love themselves.

And so we aren't seeking to get love outside of ourselves.

I have unconditional love for me.

And that creates a foundation where there isn't a lot of insecurity within how we're all relating to each other.

And so we just have a...

a beautiful foundation of unconditional love, but it starts first with ourselves.

And once you have that, your relationships become very easy.

And I also have low tolerance for anything that is not ease-filled.

Right.

You know, if people don't lift, if people, like our new lover, if he doesn't lift Ian and I up, if he were like, oh, that Ian, he's like, why are you doing that guy?

Yeah.

Out, like, it just wouldn't, it's not even a conversation.

So that energy is not even in the relationships.

It's not even in the relationships.

And so.

Not that jealousy within open relationships doesn't happen.

It happens.

I mean, it has happened in our past.

It's just that we've done a lot of growth.

It's a fast track to a lot of growth.

I mean, I mean, I can't even imagine, but but I can't imagine, I can't imagine, but like, how is it that, like, does it happen where then if he's an anchor, can you want to switch anchors or can you leave the anchor?

Like, how, is it all because you love yourself unconditionally and genuinely that that doesn't even like?

Yeah, I don't think it would come up for us.

We're just so solid.

I would never, I can't even imagine, like, I can't even imagine that reality, right?

How often do you see the other people though?

Like, what's how often would you?

Once a week, once a month for some of them, every day for another one, you know.

Do they all have anchors too?

No.

Yes, one of them does.

One of them does.

Yeah.

You said you see, wait, you said you see one every day.

How do you expect me to do a podcast in 20 minutes with this?

Okay, just finish that part and I...

It always happens.

I mean,

no one warned me about this.

I'm sorry.

This is unbelievable.

How do you see one every day?

Because we just have integrated lives.

So I talked about the the one who's with our son.

So he's just around every day.

Oh, so do you have sex with him?

And then would you have sex with him?

We have more of a romantic, energetic partnership at this point in our relationship.

Because look at the blueprint.

So we can have blueprinted.

Not everybody has to be like, we have sex, but we are lovers because we have sex.

Maybe that's not an intercourse.

Does that make sense?

Kind of.

Okay, again, I'm going to say, could we do part two?

I mean, this is just so fascinating.

I don't even know how to end this podcast, but

what's this called?

It's called, hey, could we do part two on just open marriages and open relationships?

Because I feel like this is like, you just open up a whole Pandora's box of questions for me.

But

it's what I do.

We just like open up boxes, you know, because there's so many worlds within this realm of sexuality, just with gender, relationship style, what our preferences are, you know, who we are.

It's deep.

It's a deep.

This isn't like, you can't just fix, you can't just have one podcast episode with this because there's such vast amounts of information and knowledge.

And I think what I find interesting is like, you don't know what you don't know, right?

So

I'm not even, I don't even know what half these, like, I know the surface level of like, what's an open relationship, but then like, there's so many layers and layers and layers.

And look at you, you're clearly very happy.

Like you can see it on your face, honestly.

Like you can see how like this is not just like a facade.

Right.

He looks very happy and content over there, Eve.

and yet there's like all these other people involved as well.

Like, you're doing something right.

You know, like, do you talk about this a lot?

Like, is this something like maybe you should write a book on this?

Maybe.

I used to talk about it a lot.

I don't talk about it as much because I really wanted to get this message around sexuality out into the world, you know, because we can get kind of lost in talking about the relationships and all of that.

But, you know, I felt like the erotic blueprints were really important.

So I've been talking about those a lot.

Okay, so where do people find more information on this on

And then we'll we're gonna do this again.

Eroticbreakthrough.com.

So it's eroticbreakthrough.com and jaya.love and my name is spelled j-a-i-y-a.love.

My god, this is so fascinating.

I'm so happy that I've met you and that we're starting this like whole conversation.

It's so fun.

Thank you for having the conversation.

Absolutely.

Thank you for having the conversation.

This is amazing.

And I guess we'll do part two when we're not rushed like this, but thank you.

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