Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part Seven)

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

How you doing?

This is producer Andy, and you're listening to the final episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louis Stewart, Frankie's son Thor, and dungeon master Rav Florence.

I hope you've enjoyed the journey, and I hope you enjoy this final episode.

So you've ascended, you see the sign, wishing well,

all wishes considered.

Considered, but obviously as you discover, not necessarily granted.

I mean how often does a wishing well grant your wish?

I would say never.

Can I throw a coin then and wish for a second snake?

Yeah.

There you go, one gold piece.

Stands at the bottom.

No second snake.

You still have your first snake though.

The corridor ahead here again leads to a single door, metallic, ornate, and the corridor stretches off ahead of you towards it.

Shall we venture forward?

Thank you, Minnie.

Go through this door.

Alazabelle, my snake, explore.

See if you can find

a way forward for us.

The snake sluggles ahead

towards the door.

And you see, you're up against the door now.

You're seeing through your own eyes as if you're seeing seeing through the snake's

eyes.

And as you approach the door,

you can sense some magical properties about this door.

She detects magic.

Does that

detect magic, but does it tell you what type of magic is?

It does give you details.

This is magical.

It gives you tells you.

Before we do that, can I use divine sense?

Oh.

Whoa, what?

Divine sense?

Given that you've got to do that.

I think I literally just checked what it did.

I think I can detect various sort of abnormal beings if they're

fairly specific spells, but I don't think...

I'm detecting if there's...

I think it's skeletons for like.

Well, do you have to specify?

No, I'm just...

Where was this when you were wondering if they had no skeletons?

this is really

i'm really trying to find this

we walk into a room with a pilot of oats and beds should have really checked if they

but i only just read this on my character sheet so you're getting used to your abilities as well it makes sense

yeah we are

incense

the presence of strong evil registers on your senses a noxious odour

and powerful good rings like heavenly music in your ears.

So

60 feet radius, celestial fiend or undead, and I can like detect them, but I don't get to know who it is.

I just get to know if they are there.

And it's not even a role or anything.

It's just

I just know.

Also, will this help?

Because you might have some doubts about us, they

will this help prove that we are not evil?

Well, I don't think he was saying you're undead.

I think he was just like.

But evil, though, he did say evil isn't he did say evil.

He did say evil.

Okay.

I guess I'll take with that conclusion that I'm given.

You don't detect any great

sense of powerful evil around you.

You certainly don't detect powerful good either.

Your senses are quite stilled at the minute.

Alright, that's that's I'm happy with that then.

I might fire the old mage hand out, open the door, send the snake in.

I feel like at one of these points we should just open the door ourselves

after my forward roll tobacco with a smell and you want

to forward roll and a while right open it with your mage hand and I'll forward roll in do you want to have a peek in first so you just go forward roll right in I'm mage handing it yeah right so the mage hand goes along the corridor now so the snake is along the corridor at the door the mage hand now travels along the corridor gets to the door see the mage hand kind of tracing tracing the door looking for some

realize now there's no doesn't seem to have a handle or anything on this door to make it open.

Forward roll.

Forward roll?

The minute you forward roll towards the door you sense something

that you have known before.

Roshi.

You sense something that you've experienced before the minute your weight hits the ground and you feel the floor lower slightly.

Oh no.

I'm going to need all of you

to make a dexterity saving throw

as darts whistle from the front wall

towards you.

Can I use my inspiration to re-roll that?

Oh no.

Absolutely.

I roll that.

What are we rolling here?

Dexterity?

Yeah.

No.

I might use possibly mine.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You've still used your working.

I haven't used it though, but it's got a nine with a plus four dexterity.

What have you rolled though?

A nine.

What dice did you roll?

Oh, I've rolled it on one.

Kinda almost the same shape.

It's only the last session of that.

11 plus

4.

15, that should be fine, shouldn't it?

18.

Shouldn't it?

Shouldn't it?

I've got 19.

11.

In total?

Yeah, but I've sent my snake forward.

I'm probably quite near the back.

I think it's all

a lot of darts on forward.

Dart shaft.

So

you feel,

I want you, you idiot, can you roll a D6?

It's a D3 we're wanna roll a D6 and divide it by two.

Okay, so you've been hit by two darts.

Why?

We've been hit by two darts and they're they're going to do

1d6 poison damage each dart.

Why?

You roll as well.

I've only got up four hit points, so this could be quite bad.

Did you not heal when you were sleeping?

Yeah, but then

what happened?

Oh, you fell down a roll.

I fell down.

Then what happened?

What happened?

So two darts to you as well.

Two darts.

Two darts to you, and it's going to be one d6.

I'll woe for the dart.

I'll woe for the damage, right?

So one d6 per dart.

Poison damage.

You're taking.

One.

Pedro's taking two,

six

poison damage.

Falgeral is taking six,

eight poison damage.

I'm dead.

It's full of pleasure.

Falgeral collapses to the floor.

The darts hit him.

He is now

at zero, which means

the good thing is we're non-combat.

So you do have the opportunity here to stabilise him.

It's not something you just need to take an action to stabilise him.

But you're still going to be unconscious at zero hit points.

You've made that roll and you're on the pressure plate now.

You're lying on the pressure plate.

They're all standing back off the pressure plate.

So you're fucking forward rolls.

Well, I was died the wrong time, was it not?

He has died.

Yeah,

somebody want to stabilise.

Fine.

Yeah, I'll get over that now.

Can I heal him?

Yeah, you can be.

You can heal in Wood and lay hands.

Well, if we give him hit points, does he regain consciousness?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll do a baby and get three hit points out.

You've only got three?

Yeah.

What's your maximum?

Nine.

Alright.

Weak.

Weak.

You heal him, I can heal you.

What a life.

Right, okay, let's do some

healing.

Does my snake disappear?

Oh no.

Oh, your snake would disappear.

Yeah.

We're going to need to wait another hour.

Your snake would disappear.

That's another spell swap.

Right, so

healing words,

creature, blah blah blah blah blah

equal to 2d4

plus your spellcasting ability modifier, which I don't know what that is.

Charisma, right, so that's three, isn't it?

Plus three.

So what did I say that was?

2d4 plus 3?

4 plus 3, yeah.

Triangle.

Your power.

Triangle.

Can you see what that was?

Right.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

One.

Three.

Four.

Plus three.

Plus three.

Seven hit points.

Brings you back into the game.

And I'll list it for you.

Oh, and I bet you're a better slot than you were before you hit with the darts.

But I don't have a snake.

And I'll...

I'll kill you for five points.

Or how many?

You.

What are you on?

Three.

Nine.

nine yeah i'll just give you five five hit points six but folks you know have this slight dilemma that

your man here is lying on the pressure plate yes leave him well i'm quite light so

if anybody has

some heavy goods

if you have them out i mean you want to keep your horn of lasting maybe

obviously but if anybody has I'm not that heavy as a we guy

so if anybody has some stuff stuff, if you've got weapons or something that you can leave here.

You made it sink further and release more drafts.

That's not how it works.

My

thiefish understanding of traps means that I know that's not how it works.

So what position is he like on his back?

Yeah, he's post-formed roll.

He looks like

when you come up to a fold roll and you're like on one knee.

You're not one knee, he's on one knee.

Could leave my shield on there, it probably weighs as much as

a shield and jump off.

Will that affect your armour class?

Yeah.

Also, is that the only pressure point?

Only by the.

Do you feel like the shield will be enough weight-wise?

How heavy is it?

Fuck no.

It may be enough weight-wise.

I feel like it's a

paladin shield.

He's got like a bit of a.

Probably has had a decent amount of weight, but is it.

You said you were carrying a bit of

touch.

That's true.

That's his perception himself.

No, but you said it's more your perception that your heart is bulging out.

out.

That's that's your perception.

That's self-esteem.

So Query is you know, he's a

study fella, so is there anything else?

Because then, you know, there's also the question I suppose, maybe doesn't he take all his weight to activate the pressure plate either?

I mean true, true.

Can it just be

anybody else?

And do we think him getting off the pressure plate eff and we can't do that?

That snake, the snake never triggered it.

Snake didn't trigger it.

Snake is a

heavier than a snake, lighter than a men.

Lighter than a wee men.

You got a wet needle, really.

Take my stuff off your butt.

I feel like a spear doesn't weigh as much as you do.

No, you're right.

Please don't make me abandon my bagpipes.

I mean, it would be heavy you gotta you gotta lose stuff to to get going.

How many bagpipes do you have?

I have two bagpipes for some reason.

Well

if I have a bagpipes.

Yeah, bagpipes are heavy.

So what you said, a shield and and bagpipes.

If I leave them, symbolic, I've discarded my nationality, nationality,

to be an English guy.

If I take the shield and the bagpipe and I put that at my feet and jump off in Dana Jones style, right?

You want to try it?

Alright.

Okay.

Can I play the bagpipes to give him some inspiration before?

Can I sort of lie on the ground?

Yeah, I was about to say, can I get really low?

Yeah.

Yeah, everybody gets low.

I've put the shield next to you.

Everybody wants to pick it up.

What side is he stepping off?

He's stepping off on the door side and he's stepping off.

I'm going towards the door.

Okay.

So Quenrow leaps off towards the door, leaving behind him the bagpipes and the shield.

And the pressure plate

lifts

slightly as he comes off,

but nothing else occurs.

Now that you're at the door, you hear a noise beside you, right at that door, and something starts to take shape.

A symbol starts to form itself on the door now that you're close enough, and it's a number six.

What was the sixth channel?

It was the nothing.

This is the sixth channel.

Yeah, oh my god.

This reality is the sixth channel.

Wow.

How many of us are there?

Four.

Four.

Yeah.

You think you're still at the other end before the pressure plate?

Do you just want to crawl over or read up to?

I suggest we wait an hour.

I think Hammer goes on.

We should have left him on the pressure plate for an hour.

Well, can we then just leap where the pressure plate is and land where he is?

Or just walk around it?

I would say that the leap across the pressure plate is doable.

Oh god.

But it would have to be a bit yeah.

Athletic.

A bit an effort.

But it's doable.

Seems doable guys if you're

up for joining me over here.

It's quite nice.

Is it can I push the or a bit?

Yeah, but doesn't even move under here.

It's just the letter six in smoke?

I would say the number six.

The number six, right.

Number six.

Sorry when the orphanage didn't have great uh, you know,

education facilities.

so

number so the next six on the TV was just nothing was it yeah it was just it went back to clear room

right there was no

no shit

here we are I'm gonna still have that remote basically you still have the remote remote you want to see if you it changes if you press it to a different channel yeah right

are you pressing just pointing it towards the door and pressing six

press six.

That's the same channel we're already on.

And the door slides on.

Revealing to you, Quenel up that end,

a simple room

with three doors this time

set against the far wall.

So we need to run up and vault.

I vault towards you.

You look really handy this time.

A snake.

A snake could be a snake.

A snake could be a really handy.

Could be real handy.

Let's leap this pressure plate.

I have an hour in front of these doors where you amuse yourselves.

The guy that fell down a rope

has been hit by a dart and now he's just going to leap a pressure plate.

To be fair,

that guy also did voice a skeleton's heat off.

Soldered my door open.

He's a beefy.

I'm not saying he's not good at his job.

I think everybody evolved.

I think the last one's a little choppy.

We can't just say it yet.

For me, you two,

you're going to be making checks here with disadvantage on your role still because of your trauma.

So just be aware of that.

You're exhausted.

You're feeling mentally exhausted.

Could I use my rope

and they could maybe

shimmy?

Feels almost hard.

What you mean like that?

Yeah, like if you were to make it in a shape like a goal.

Monkey monkey burst like a monkey style.

If I just read it like a fire hose,

if you sent the rope over, then I just kind of

How easy is it to balance like a fire hose on a rope though?

No, no, I meant like you know if you're sitting on the rope like it's a a camel or a horse

and it just shoots you over there.

It's possibly more dangerous than the leap.

How big is this pressure plate?

Like

the pressure plate is about

it's five foot long, I would say.

About five feet long by about

four feet long.

About five foot.

You'd be athletic as well, you know what I mean?

We're not worried about you.

This is the issue.

Okay, I'm going to take a run at it.

Can I duck out?

Everybody ducks down.

You still have your capacity to heal at this point, so

I've used all my healing.

I've used mine.

Okay, so that's what I'm going to do.

I've got some wine

to help.

My spell slots are.

You help me get all the trauma someday dying, maybe, but

a huge run-up and a huge tooth.

What's the extent of your model?

It's a massive plus one.

Throw you.

82 kilograms.

Yeah, so

okay.

I think you leaping will do more than

I get a plus one.

Right, okay.

So you're making the roll.

A seven-right roll again because he could even go lower than it.

Yes.

Oh, fuck it hell.

So he makes, he runs.

He makes it.

Slips.

His feet land.

He slips on the first foot, falls back, over the bagpipes.

And he lands on the bagpipes.

But

the darts don't activate.

Oh.

Oh.

After it's only pushed in.

I amble forwards and take the congratulations of the the door.

He reaches the door.

So just waiting for you to.

God knows, I'm scared.

Do you want to jump anyway?

I like just jumping.

I've got a

thing that's been falling on.

I think, can I take the risk of just walking over it?

To the other side.

Okay.

You go, you go.

He strides forward.

He's got the notion of tear in his mind.

And he strides forward across the tie.

I've got my shield.

Yeah, don't take it.

I'm not grabbing it.

When you're over, you can send

it.

No, it's a bit heavier than £10.

You can send your magic rope.

The rope you can hook it.

Pill it.

Pull it away.

We'll see.

We'll see.

Okay, I might be fucked if this sets off at that point.

So he strides across the pressure plate, straight over, joins the rest of the group.

Just

me.

Just at the entry to the three-door room.

Right, I am, you know, I have acrobatic skills and quite dexterous.

So, you know, I'm

no heavy-footed.

Yeah.

So I'm just going to

politely

stroll over it as well.

Okay.

Towards the group.

Take your wee stroll over and reach the rest of the group.

Did you want to send your magic rope back and get your shield?

Read it out of this.

I'm Lasso in the middle.

You've got to find Lasso.

That's okay.

Magic rope.

Are we in the rope?

Lasso.

Let me see.

But you can fashion a rope and do what I mean.

Yeah, what they magic.

It says say you can tell the rope to fasten itself securely to an object.

Yes.

There you go.

Okay.

Sorted.

Yeah, bad pouches as well.

Are we in the room or

the seedling room?

But should we have checked him?

Okay, so you're sending it back into the corridor.

Right, okay.

Yeah, and we're dragging it.

Right, so dragging that stuff off.

So the minute that stuff comes off the pressure plate, the pressure plate rises again, and you see arrows firing back along the corridor again.

My bagpipes are here to get them.

Did you know we had a bagpipe?

No.

You refused to get the bagpipes.

We'll be lying there on the raised pressure plate now.

Why don't you like my bagpipes?

You still like me too.

There wouldn't be one on that picture.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, get the bust bagpipe.

Okay.

We're gonna have my lasso as well.

Magical lasso.

So you've got

the group are reassembled.

You have your stuff back, you've got your shield back, you've got your bagpipe back.

Look!

It would be a great opportunity now to try and bring a snake back if that was indeed what you wanted.

So

take a little time.

An hour wait to get you a snake with someone.

However, does anybody want to investigate these three doors?

Yeah, I want to have a wee look at them.

I'm drawn to two

door number two?

That's channel two.

I'm raising my snake.

Okay.

Okay, so he's concentrating on bringing his snake back.

As you approach the doors,

words start to form above these three doors.

Now, all three doors

have a keyhole in them.

Alright?

And you can sense, you don't need any special insight to sense that there's

a magical property about all of this now.

But above the door, words slowly start to form.

And in fact, the force of the magic in here is quite challenging to you as you're trying to concentrate.

There's the power of this magic swirling around you.

I think you should maybe make a wee check to hodge your concentration here, make a wee wisdom check just to keep up for hold your concentration.

I mean, if it's all about bringing back a snake now,

you'll try to hodge your concentration.

Is these

is the magic is swollen around what's your zero.

Okay, so you lose your concentration there.

We might be able to get zero, I've got seven, I've got zero modifier.

Ah, okay, so you're going to have to to resolve that a little.

You're going to have to go back to the start and kind of

visualise, start visualising.

I don't mind, I was enjoying it anyway.

Start visualising that snake again.

But as the words form above the door, you see that above the first door, it reads

indescribable death.

Oh, nice.

And the second door, above there,

the letters start to come together.

All the numbers, if Crown Oak prefers,

start to come together to read

genuinely indescribable death.

And on the third door,

it reads

describable escape.

Three sounds pretty good to me.

Do we want to die or do we want to escape?

I think we see door two as a challenge.

I think you don't have to prove yourself away.

The first person I'd send through would be a snake.

So why don't I just plug my ears,

wrap something around my head, and we wait for reconnaissance to arrive.

Reconnaissance.

Pedro, is there anything you can do to kind of

help the atmosphere become more

general?

Have you got a loot?

I've got a loot, yeah.

Any instruments are you carrying?

Oh, I've got bagpipes, flute, a loot.

A flute, a bit.

A sky's kit, it's not an instrument, but I just wanted to boast about that.

Play me loot.

Okay, that would be nice.

That would be nice.

We're just tuning it, that's good.

All dumb seconds.

Then that will provide some inspiration to somebody as well if you wanted to say who you want to award a D6.

Well, you didn't attract, you didn't want to save my bagpipes.

Hold my hands up.

So,

a wee D6 for you.

Well, that's not actual inspiration.

Yeah, no, it's just that baldic inspiration.

About 20 minutes have passed now.

How do you think it's dead?

No, no, no, it's going slowly.

They did.

Really weird to say this, but I just got deja vu.

I couldn't think of anything that would be less

than that in this way.

Clearly it did.

So as you attune, actually, you start to attune to the winds of magic that are swelling inside this room, and you feel the snake emerging through the darkness quicker than ever before.

Almost as if it's eager, keen to get back to you, get back to the group.

And the snake starts to form in the centre of the room and it's here.

That's about my old friend.

How wonderful to see you.

This is your two minutes ago.

I have, you'll be glad to know, an incredibly dangerous mission for you.

Three doors.

Indescribable death.

Genuinely indescribable death.

Indescribable escape.

Snake through door one, I think.

Snake through door one, yes.

How do we get it open?

By snake through door one,

do you mean open the door and send the snake through?

Just to clarify.

Does the door have

handles?

The door has handles.

Each door has a keyhole.

It has a keyhole, so

I'm imagining the snakehole is not big enough for the snake.

Before we.

Well, I feel we should.

Why are you saying that?

We should spend a bit of thought on what each door might mean.

But will they open?

Yes, I imagine they probably won't.

We could look through the keyholes.

Use your.

I mean, I think you should use your mage hand.

Oh yes, but perhaps the snake could look through the keyhole.

Who presented through the keyhole?

Lloyd Grossman.

Let's do a Lloyd Grossman here.

And have a look at that.

Who lives in a house?

He said those hours of this is what it was.

Who lives in a house?

Indescribable death.

Pole number one?

Yeah, that's Grossman.

Indescribable death, who's looking through it.

The snake.

You're going to take the snake up.

I'll hold the snake.

I'll hold it.

You want to hold it?

You hold it.

I'll hold the snake up

so you can see through its eyes.

So you approach the door and you lift the snake to the keyhole.

The snake gazes through the keyhole, goes very still.

Falder out, you can see through this keyhole now,

and what you can see beyond there

is beyond description.

you know it's hostile,

you know, it's terrible,

but it's beyond description.

Lads, I don't have the words, but

something

behind the door marked indescribable death that isn't friendly.

Well,

lads, indescribable.

Try door number two.

Let's see what the snake thinks to door number two.

You bring

You bring the snake.

Is the snake alright?

The snake snake is essentially the falder old snake.

Is this a hang?

Indescribable horrors that would make your brain melt or something.

I mean,

I could tell you exactly what it is, but I kind of couldn't describe it to you.

Right.

So you're looking through, there's a snake, sorry, is Falder Owl's snake is looking through.

So this time when you're looking through,

you're stuck

with such terror at what you see.

You can't describe it right, but

it is something

so beyond description

that just strikes a chill through your very bones.

And in fact, you're going to have to make a check on your intelligence here just to hold on to a wee bit of your sanity as you're looking through here.

14 plus 4.

You managed to

keep hold of yourself.

What is helping you a lot actually is the fact that you know your face is not physically against that keyhole.

That's the only thing that saved you is the fact that you know it is the face of your old friend.

Your old friend's face who is against that keyhole.

And you feel the snake's body hold rigid in your hands.

It's arsehole.

Tension.

Rigid in your hands.

You can share that with the group.

Group.

Genuinely indescribable tense.

Genuinely even more indescribably horrible.

Something's put the shits up this fucking snake.

The snake is tense for a reason.

That's all I can tell you.

Door number three.

Yep.

Okay, try number three.

Let's grossman the third door.

The first time

you feel the snake almost resisting a wee bit before it comes back under Falder Orl's control,

you hold it up to the keyhole, and this time

you see

to your joy

some carpeted steps leading up through that keyhole

it must be a trick though yeah mine remains the door too yeah it feels too simple straight down the middle but the worst one yeah

i was drawn to two initially

um

yeah why not

i do not agree

you would be surprised to hear i want to see my sheen again but that the

the old man said his son was up the stairs in his room sleeping.

Oh, but this is not a way to sleep.

There are stairs leading up.

Can I just say as well, all we're doing is opening the door with the mage hand while we cower in a corner and sending a snake into a chat's bedroom.

We've all done it before.

I feel we charge through a door and commit to it.

Three just seems.

Obviously you'd want to escape, but.

Aren't we meant to save these people?

Isn't that our whole thing?

We can't escape without saving these people.

But we need to...

we're told not to wake him up.

But that to me goes, we should wake him up.

But that's writing within his subconscious, so he doesn't want to be woken up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,'cause he's enjoying this.

At the same time, we woke up the skeletons.

That didn't go well.

That didn't go well.

Hey, listen, we just recourse that shit.

Those guys were just having a re-rest.

That was it.

Yeah, I actually had the power to realise they were there and what they were.

And that

was a good thing.

Don't be fucking yourself, guys.

This is your PD.

These are TVs are done well, I think.

You don't need to beat yourselves up.

You need to bring your real-life personas to the TV.

Fucking two.

Mage hands.

We're all full health.

I'm not well, easy.

But.

We're going to go through

two.

I don't know the snake's going to go through too.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't really ask the snake its opinions, can you?

Wake up, Rob.

We could open that door and I could just blow my horn of blasting

and wake up everybody.

That's it, we have a nuke.

Yeah.

Good to know.

It's always a good reassurance to have.

So if we go in there, our own indescribable death.

Yeah.

There's a chimera behind door number two or something.

Got a fucking horn of blasting.

So we blasted.

This is why guys get themselves killed.

I will remind you that the sign above door number two reads genuinely indescribable death.

I feel like

that's

a challenge to us to do.

Oh my god!

Is it death for us or is it death for us?

No, it's 100% death for you.

You know, I've just thought, who milk thistle reminds me of?

A friend of mine, Christopher, who gave us terrible advice.

I think we should open door three

and send a snake up those stairs.

I'm afraid they failed at all.

Let's go up three then.

Okay, who's opening it?

I'll open the door.

Mage handed it.

Mage handed it.

Okay, so the mage hand goes forward to the handle of the door, turns it.

The minute it clicks, you hear the click.

Door one and two vanish out of existence, become a plain brick wall.

But door number three

does not open.

Can we look back through the keyhole real quick?

Just check it's all the stuff.

Yeah, same stuff up there.

Staircase still exists behind the keyhole.

Carry my snake forward to it.

Is this an anti-mage hand device and it has to be a human or a halfling?

Or perhaps it needs to be unlocked.

Do we have keys?

You don't know.

Oh, I'm a fucking thief.

You are?

Yeah.

I get my old burglary kit out and

try and

unlock it.

So you're struck the minute you put your lockpick stuff through this keyhole that there are none of the mechanisms in there that you would expect to find within a keyhole.

The dangly bits.

There's no dangly bits.

My fucking paperclip isn't working.

It shimmers

with magic, this goes.

Should we use the thing again?

The magic box?

Ah, use your remote.

I guess press three.

Three.

Nothing happens.

Six.

The door slams shut behind you.

I'll shut that door, it's fine.

Yeah, it's fine.

As long as I shut this in,

it's what are they?

What did you press six?

The door opened up.

Will have a press off.

Is that an off button?

No.

Red button?

No.

Just numbers?

Can I play that video game with the bees?

Was it

Bamber Gasque, whatever it was?

That game?

We've not missed a key anywhere, have we?

What sort of

magic shit have you got that you can do?

Because it's obviously a magic door that we need to open with magic.

You said describable escape.

Do you think you need to describe the escape?

Perhaps.

Maybe.

It looks like some cabinet stairs.

Run upstairs and then you get to a door and behind it you can hear a voice going, oh fucking hell, it's Quinn.

I'm alive at home.

I get there and I go, oh, I'll show you a kisser.

We go up some cabinet stairs, we find a sleeping child, we destroy him with the mighty horn

and return to our lights.

Sounds good to me.

The door remains closed.

Can I attempt to just open the door by force?

Yeah, make a strength check.

Uh

14.

The door is solid against your weight.

I feel that's not gonna work.

I'm gonna weigh into it.

Two fucking boot in there.

How do I manage

another door?

No, that shit too.

You come against it, bounce off it, hurt yourself a wee bit, strain yourself a wee bit.

But the door remains closed.

Does my scarf?

Does this scarf have anything on it?

Just a palm?

It's just a palm?

Can I look at the scarf?

Can I take it off and look at the scarf?

Yeah.

Silver with purple and blue stripes in the length of it.

Where is it if you got you?

Who?

Oh, no, no.

Actually.

Yeah, you maybe

time for school.

Wake up.

That's

an ion.

We're trying to open a door with the scarf.

Can I try to open it?

It's a symbolic.

Describable escape above it.

go upstairs.

Whisper into the scarf.

Wake up!

I might blow my mighty horn.

Oh, we're not in this room, though.

You're there for everybody.

Come here.

Say the same thing.

On a door.

So we need to, in some way, describe the escape.

Describable escape.

Or maybe not.

I wish I had a key.

Matt, I swear there's doors we have.

Oh,

wish I had a key.

You get that pinky, the skeleton pinky.

Do you want to put that in there?

My snake tentatively holds the finger in its mouth.

Even the snake is having a bit of lucky.

I'm two places removed from this door now.

Okay, so the skeletal finger goes into the keyhole

and comes back out without any effect.

Make a perception check, Wen.

17.

And

am I exhausted?

You have a vision, no.

Oh, you are exhausted.

So I thank you for reminding me of that.

Four

plus.

You have enough visions on the tip of my tongue, honestly.

I swear there were more doors, like the room before the Stella and Bite Room at the left.

There was like another way we could have gone, I swear.

The doors above the letters above the door are starting to slowly start to fade now.

Fuck.

So one and two are still there, but the doors aren't there?

No, one and two are there.

No, one and two, yeah, they're there.

And you click and they're all the same.

So the locks that say it's describable escape are starting to, the E is starting to go,

the P

is starting to go.

You're starting to feel almost like the magic is starting to weaken in the room.

Indescribable escape.

What's that?

Hold on, let's think.

So, despite both escape, right?

So, this, if we think this is, we're in the DM, little DM, the Robert's Escape, this is Robert's Escape, if we think about that.

Then what would be our characters shady seeds?

I'd like to say this is the idea I had earlier.

I was like, do we describe our escape?

So like you would be with a lover and a snake, you would be with my dead mum or some shit.

I'll be sitting with family, you'll be with

Roche.

Rocheen.

But then that doesn't seem healthy to me.

Well.

But we're just describing stuff to your door.

Drink through the keyhole?

Whisper something?

Okay.

Can I drink a bit of wine?

Yeah, yeah, you drink some wine, you're whispering through the keyhole.

I can't look Kate Bush.

I can't.

You feel as you're whispering through the keyhole, you feel your lips tingling almost just because of the magical property of this

keyhole.

Ted in the snake.

Ted in the snake.

You feel a.

Fuck's sake.

You feel a magical pull for this keyhole.

Can I kiss the keyhole as well?

Tell me.

What do you want?

Have you got anything that we should put in there?

Oh,

I've lost all mine.

You've got that ring?

I've got what ring?

Like a pair from the heart.

What?

Remember?

What?

Your wedding ring drops from your sky.

Oh, for God's sake!

Put the ring up to the hole.

You put the ring up to the keyhole and it shimmers and brightens

but just dims again.

Oh fuck.

Put the ring on my finger, put my finger in the hole.

Brightens, sparkles,

but it's just not quite right.

Just

above the door it reads describable escape, but the letters are starting to go.

Oh Jesus.

The R, the C.

The C?

The R, the C.

I feel it's not that important.

R, C, remote control,

get the control.

No, none of us have a key.

It's something to do with the magic shit that comes out that hat on that ring.

This happened to us, we know.

What did the hat say again?

Let's get down in that hat,

say

describe the key to the door, have the fucking key drop

and then get back up to the snake.

Describe the front door.

You want a snake to describe something.

So it was describe, describe what you own for good fortune or something, wasn't it?

Describe your own.

Describe your own for good fortune.

Describe...

Describe your own.

I would say we did not have a key that was our own.

Quenrell gently touches his ring and just doesn't even know what the fuck's going on.

I think we all head back down to that hat.

All of us?

Or

we nominate some?

Aye, get the rope down, magic rope, jump down.

You going?

I'll go.

Pressure pad.

I'll go.

Okay.

Down the rope.

Let's remember that pressure pad acts.

Okay.

So you head outside the door, right?

Tell me exactly what you're doing.

You head out of this room.

Forward row.

Forward row.

Forward row where?

Right, I'm in this room.

Right, with the pressure pads.

Right, spin about.

Yep.

Here's the pressure pad.

Yeah.

Shield.

No, shield's taken.

Just a bagpipe.

You're going to have to ask them for the bagpipe.

You're taking the bagpipe and the shield back.

You're going to have to ask them for...

Just leap.

Leap.

You're going to leap.

Dramatically leap.

Right, okay.

Into a forward roll.

You're going to

try and get across this thing, right?

Mega roll.

Right, so he's heading back.

One.

For real.

You try and get leap,

you land only the pressure plate, the pressure plate sets down.

Immediately, you hear the sound again of the poisoned darts flying out.

Let me just roll our D60 to see how many darts strike you.

But one's at again.

Oh, normal dice.

Four.

Four, so that's two.

Two darts hit you, and they're going to do it.

I'll tell you what they're going to do.

They're going to do

five

and a total of 11 damage.

So you see Quenrell collapse dead on the pressure plate.

I send my mage hand out to grab him by the head, just come go straight off the ground.

Who's next?

The good thing is he isn't on the pressure plate.

If I try to stabilise him, will it affect the pressure on the pressure plate in any way?

I would say leave him and and then we'll...

We drag him back.

Well we stabilise him leave him there and then fuck off.

Okay so you're heading back you're going to stabilise him first.

If you're not

okay that's good right you stabilise him.

Thank you.

You're stabilised at zero right?

You're unconscious.

Okay you're heading back down the rope.

Yeah we take his rope from

yeah

okay.

Oh wait a minute though.

Is it his magic rope?

Yeah but that's all you're going to have to take the rope and just command it yourself.

But you've seen it.

You've seen this.

You've done this on the way up.

You did it.

So you you dropped down

back into that room with a lift, with a box.

Now, do you remember which way to go?

Do you remember where you're going?

You've got two doors.

As you come down this, you've got two doors in that eastern wall.

There's two doors in the eastern wall.

Yeah, two eastern walls.

Think of the map.

I remember the map.

I sent my snake to guard you.

Alright, no, your snake has got a hundred feet range, so it'll be able to get better.

So the snake's coming after.

You hear it dropping down behind you.

Cool.

So the snake is at your feet.

You're at his feet.

I'm like, point through which door you think it was, because I can't think.

Here's your table.

So the snake rises up and points rigidly towards the door that you remember.

Of course, this is Black Bartholomew's door.

This makes sense.

So I got

opened the door.

Head in.

Black Bartholomew's know there.

Ledger is away.

Stone table is there.

The room is empty.

But that's a good thing.

There's one other door in this room that will lead you.

I would love to go through that door.

You go through that door and that takes you into, if you remember, the room that was nice and clean and cleared and scrubbed clean.

There is,

however, in this room that was empty before and scrubbed clean, there is a shambling figure in the corner with a broom and it's brushing and sweeping torn, tarred.

Its flesh is open places.

You can see the bone through its flesh and it's sweeping up.

Your vomit, by the way.

It's trying to brush your vomit away into a corner.

Yeah, I think

logically, I'd try and stay out of sight and go back through the way we'd...

Maybe we stealth chick.

Chainmail boy over here.

Yeah, chainmail boy.

Five.

One.

Wonderful.

We win, eh?

So I just started trying to creep across the the room.

You clatter into that bucket that was there before in the room, you knock it,

and the thing turns

to see you,

but then just returns back to its sweeping and continues cleaning

and carrying on.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna leave him be in there.

You're into the hallway with all the ants

scattering around and back to the room with the hat against the eastern wall.

Can I describe a key that would open this magical door to it?

Sort of.

Go for it, describe it.

This beautiful, I feel like it's a golden key, it's sort of got some nice little sort of design in it, it's got a bit of a texture to it, and uh, but obviously it's not a real door in there, so it doesn't really need a shape, it's just like a beautiful looking wee key.

And I describe it in intense detail to this hat.

There's a snap, like a crackle of power,

and a beautiful key falls

into the the hat.

Can I pick it up?

Yes, you take the key.

You're going to head back.

Yes.

Back with you.

The letters are starting to fade.

You're lying unconscious on that pressure plate.

Remember you're calling my snake?

The snake is slithering ahead.

The snake gets to the base of the genie's well, as we like to call it now, at the bottom of that rope, but obviously

it's having a bit of struggle, it's starting to coil and climb up, so it's your turn to climb the rope.

You've reached the rope now.

Alright, so I've got back to the rope.

If I've got to roll, yeah, athletics changer.

Yeah, get your athletics changer.

Remember, you still have this advantage here.

Okay, five is wonderful to start with.

Six, so five, ten.

Okay, you pull yourself up the rope, grab the snake, snake goes onto your shoulder on the way up.

You get up, lying before you is your small friend dead.

How well, unconscious, unconscious.

Fuck,

how's the layout of these darts?

I'd say just walk in

and then send the magic rope back and drag his

watch for him.

If I did that, would it then hit him again while he's fucking dead?

No, no.

Would I be quick enough?

Yeah, yeah, but would I be able to get him back?

Yeah.

We've already done a lot of the other stuff.

Yeah, but it didn't really matter if they got hit with arrows.

I guess I've just got to try and do it quick enough.

I remind you again, as I'll see when somebody's at zero, but they take their max hit points again in damage then they're dead dead right

do you have any healing left

i healed you

um

you don't have any was a day potions can magic missile

oh fuck it yeah give it a go you get across yeah

and you're using the magic rope now to tie around him and try and pull him off the pressure plate?

From the room with three doors.

Yeah, I'm inside the room.

You're inside the room with three doors.

No.

You're aware that I've

reminded you when the pressure plate released before darts flew again from the...

You remember that?

Well, this is my point.

Back down the corridor.

Yeah, but he's in the corridor.

If I pull him, I'm just pulling him towards where the arrows are coming from.

Can we put extra weight on the...

Is it just that I'm leaving my shield there kind of business?

Doing old and yeah, Jones.

I think maybe I'll go back and put my shield on and I'll have my bike piece.

Okay.

Your shield is on.

But the bag pipes really doing much.

Maybe.

Well, you might risk it.

Oh, no, do you want to go for it?

I mean,

I know you're the type of party that likes to kind of leap and forward row and poisonous pressure plates and stuff, but...

I just thought it would work.

I mean, your old awan is unlucky.

Yeah.

You want to put the bagpipes on as well?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, bagpipes on as well, which means you're able to pull him clear and out of the room.

It's a sad sight seeing him lying there.

Sorry, been out of the game too long.

Stinking a booze, I don't know how he's speaking.

Fuck.

So the door is shimmering now, almost like it can detect the magic that it needs.

Can I just put him on my back?

I want to carry this people.

I feel badly

wrapped him up in his back.

He's dead, he's dead.

Alright, so...

We'll throw him out through the door in a ceremonial forward row.

Alright, um,

yeah, I guess.

Up to the door I go with my key.

Put it in the lock.

Give it a little turn.

And the door opens.

Swings open.

The stairs wait ahead of you.

Send my snake forward.

Can I throw Christopher there?

We do.

Because there could be.

There could be just a boy slipping.

But there could be.

One of us is dead.

I've not on full hit points.

None of us have any spell slots.

Feels risky.

Get up these stairs.

Easy to say when you're already dead.

Do I send the snake?

I'm sending the snake up.

The snake slevels up the stairs.

You see carpet up

until you reach the top and turn the corner.

And

you can all get this.

There's that smell again that you smelled in Black Bartholomew's room.

Smell you can't quite

place.

Make a perception test.

Give me a wee perception test

you just can't quite place where you've smelled that before

the room that you can see ahead in that the snake can see ahead is a kaleidoscope of colour and texture here there's the stonier dungeon here there's a smooth painted wall below some carpet then not carpet moss stone cobbles from one window in the west wall there's a view of that neat garden again with a row of houses.

Through the other window, there's the familiar mountains of the barrier peaks.

And there's a sadness

in the room.

The snake can also see on the right there's a large bookcase full of books that are all in incomprehensible languages.

And there's a bed in the room, a single bed against the far wall, and a boy is asleep there.

Boy is about to near battenbacks.

boy's about to get corner blasted.

Shake boy.

Shake boy.

I'll get up there and with this dead man on my back, shake this kid.

Do you head up the stairs?

Yes.

As you come up the stairs and turn into the room, where are you two at this point?

I'm still down the stairs.

The snake is up there.

Where are you?

What are you doing?

I'll creep up, but keep a distance.

Alright, creeping up by a distance.

So the boy is asleep, but as you approach,

you can hear him speaking.

Speaking in his sleep.

And he is saying

that there is a bed in the room against the far wall

and a boy is asleep there.

However, even in his sleep,

he is speaking,

saying that

there is a bed in the room against the far wall and a boy is asleep there.

However, even in his sleep he is speaking.

Courage now.

Saying that manifesting before all of you, protecting the boy from waking up from his sweet dream, is a quivering mass of acidic slime and goo forming itself into a dreaded gelatinous cube, he says, and manifesting before you in the room, protecting the boy from waking up from this sweet dream is a quivering mass of acidic slime and goo

forming itself into a dreaded gelatinous cube.

Roll inspiration.

Inspiration.

Rolling inspiration.

This cube.

15.

I'm getting new dice next time, by the way.

50, 50, 15.

What did you get?

15?

Hold on.

I don't think I've ever rolled so many ones.

I've never rolled so many ones.

I've never got some brutal roll.

We've only got one for this.

Father, I was 15.

Why are you rolling initiative, dude?

I just wanted to see you.

You're a what?

Six.

Jesus.

You've been rolling bad for an issue of

six yourself?

One.

Oh, fuck.

Did you get a one as well?

Yeah, I rolled it one.

So you're going to be.

I took two, actually, with my initial.

You're going to be last in the

thing, me.

And

you're out for the count.

I also rolled a one if that's helpful.

Okay.

That's a horn.

Falgero, you're going to have the ability to act first.

We're all in front of him.

We can't get out of the way.

How close are we to this cube?

You're in the room, the cube is ahead of you, the bed is behind the cube.

And it is this

shimmering

jelly-like, it almost looks like quite unthreatening.

But

you have all heard about these creatures.

Falgero, you're up.

I'm bringing magic missile.

You're down at the bottom.

So you're moving up the stairs first and then magic missile.

Although I think magic missile can turn corners.

I think you can fire it for you without even coming up the stairs.

Remind me, what is that?

Is that 3d4?

Yeah, it is.

That's 1d4 plus 4 plus 1 for each plus 1.

1d4 plus 1, but for each thing, and there's two things.

Okay.

Let's see how much damage you do.

What's that?

One.

Two.

That's four in total so far.

Six in total.

So three magic missiles come up the stairs, run, curve run, slam straight into the gelatinous cube.

Turned in, you happy?

That's true?

I think my snake might have a pop out.

Did your snake roll initiative or is he?

Oh,

I know your snake's initiative.

The snake is going to be acting after Pedro, but the gelatinous cube is acting now.

So the gelatinous cube

forms almost a little, almost like a tentacle.

It comes out, lashes it towards Hammer, who is in the room.

Wonderful.

Engaged with and

just to clarify, just to prove that, I was a critical.

Okay,

so that's going to be what should I

armor plus is at this point.

Yeah.

That does

21 acid damage to Hammer.

Nice.

Just two dead guys.

I'm not quite fully, fully dead.

No, quite fully, fully dead.

No.

Alright.

Because he's not hit, I don't think he's hit his match.

He's 21, so I was on 10, so that then takes me to negative 11.

My match is 12.

Yeah, okay.

So you slam against the wall, out, he's down.

And up next.

It's you, Pedro.

I'm just gonna get a dagger throw again.

What other weapons do you only have daggers as your weapons?

He's about to use a kind of magical nuke that might kill him.

So maybe give him away something.

I don't know if I can get a better one.

I think the magical nuke will kill me and Chris.

And the boy is sleeping still, narrating everything that's going on, talking through everything that the Gelantinus Cube does.

Roswin, what have I got?

Birds are known for singing.

Maybe I could just play that

loop.

Make a wee insight check for me.

16.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

You know that you remember now that you have had a lot of success in the past, these moments of difficulty of singing a song or

performing a song that recounts your adventure and the things you've achieved and the things that you've done.

I guess you've got to sing a wee song to this kid.

Chill him out, wake him up.

Ming.

Just shoot again.

Every turn is five seconds of

we have travelled

so very fast

Green sleeves

So many for the roles

we have done

So many times we have won

and lost

We fought skeletons

and mushrooms.

We cut the bail ends off them

Wow.

You're realising as you're singing this, though.

Make a perception check.

Run up is real.

Eleven plus two.

You're forgetting something.

You've left out a whole verse of the song.

You've left out a whole verse.

Flatber volume.

Nobody was also there.

He wrote some names in a book.

And then he said, don't wake the sleeper.

We might wake you.

Take your tongue.

Did you let this cube is moving closer?

Take your tongue.

What can you do?

And

be our best option.

Is it horn or blasting time?

Way past horner blast.

Ten past blast time.

Okay, so you're going to be rolling.

It's just a kind of automatic thing, innit?

So all you need to do, Frankie, to make sure this happens, Falderll, sorry, is roll a D10.

And as long as you don't get a one or a two,

well the horn of blasting explodes in your lips.

So he climbs up, Aligor, climbs up the steps,

comes out of the room, blows the horn of blasting,

which blasts out in a cone into the room.

The gelatinous cube shakes,

explodes,

splatters against the bed, rocks in the room.

almost slamming against the wall.

Hammer

his body which is lying on on the left wall against the room, his bones and flesh pulverise,

his bones and flesh pulverise, mixing his flesh and bones, mixing with the goo in the room.

And the child in the bed stops speaking.

What about Quenril?

Well, I mean,

you were carrying Quenril, weren't you?

Yeah,

you too are pulverized, used to have pulverized.

Evaporated.

So Pedro and Faudral.

Oh, by the way, the snake has also been

the snake has also been pulverised.

The two of you remain.

The child is asleep.

Put his tie on him and dilute central school.

Oh my god, yes, do that.

So you take your

off, put it around the boy's neck.

Which sounds demand.

And tighten it.

And the the boy in the bed's eyes open.

The boy in the bed starts to speak again.

He says,

the boy in the bed starts to speak again.

He says, the boy in the bed starts to speak again.

He says, oh, it's time for school.

He wakes, adjusts his necktie, and looks at the characters.

He says, sadly,

My father's not downstairs anymore, is he?

He says, Is it me?

Who is the father now?

The room starts to fade from existence and a chemical stench.

That smell fills your noses again.

Make a perception check, both of you, for this smell.

Nine.

Four.

But it's so strong this time that you recognise the smell.

It's formaldehyde.

It's from Bam and the Dead.

Now, from darkness, all of you

grows a vision of an impossible city.

Bladed buildings and cyclopean sculptures rise on every side.

Your ears fill with the chatter of a hundred languages, and an urban sprawl screams away from you and above you, vanishing into gloomy clouds that are fat with rain.

And then the darkness again.

And drifting in that darkness, you become aware of of a woman in robes and an omnate-bladed mask.

And you all know in your heart that she is the lady of pain.

And you're terrified that she might turn to look at you.

And you pray that she does.

When your eyes open, it feels like a miracle and a curse.

All of you awaken on a metal examination table in a dim, windowless stone chamber.

Dried blood stains the drab, mosaic floor and the edges of your table, and pained moans haunt the halls beyond this stuffy room.

Black Bartholomew is there, waiting, smiling.

You got caught up between the planes a little bit there.

I was worried we'd all be stuck there forever.

Welcome, my friends, to the city of doors.

The end.

Wow.

Well done, everybody.

Well done.

Thank you for listening to the final episode of Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louis Stewart, Frankie's Sun Thor,

and Dungeon Master Rav Florence.

This episode was recorded at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Logue, and the the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.