The Ruins of the Mighty Love Tree

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

What's happening in our world, Christopher?

we're thinking of doing

some

final cash grab.

Here comes the guillotine shows, perhaps called There Goes the Guillotine.

As I christened that in the group chat, There Goes the Guillotine.

Or should it be There Went the Guillotine grammatically?

There goes, I think, is

less depressed.

Finest sons of bitches you ever seen.

I used to work in this office building where they made a lot of telly

when I was a writer.

And there was a development department down the bottom in the corridor, and you would see like their bored.

And stuff that I thought

was a joke.

I thought they put stuff up as a joke was all real.

And one was like celebrity godhead.

What's that?

I know, I just thought it was like a real funny joke name, right?

But it was a real thing.

And

you got a whole bunch of super fans of a celebrity onto an island.

and there was a giant so say it would be Justin Bieber there'd be a giant Justin Bieber head there that set them various Justin Bieber related tasks celebrity godhead that was a real thing I'm mad what I thought was going to be gold you would get ten Justin Bieber fans then you would get Justin Bieber and they would all serve him and would they just love it and he would like it or would it be an empty thing or would they revolt against him and oust him from his gilded throne?

The problem you've created in that format that they don't have is you need to get Justin Bieber involved in

six hours of television for ITV too.

You need to have Justin Bieber living on an island,

which is not what he wants to do.

Maybe he would like it now to get away from the Diddy news.

But we used to go by and write stuff on the board that just sounded like a stupid show.

The three o'clock news, I put on

one time.

But we're just always adding stupid shit to him.

Which dream podcast for Global do you like to replace this with?

I think people like a bit of structure, don't they?

So it'll be like

and they like nostalgia.

I mean, really, nostalgia is our excuse to dwell on the past without learning, without the pain of growth.

Do you know what I mean?

So it would be like school dinners

with,

I don't know, fucking who's who's who's hot.

Who's hot in the can of ITB tourism?

Alistair McGowan would be a good.

I would like to pluck Alistair McGowan back into the

Zeitgeist.

Mate, Aleister McGowan, very talented guy.

I don't know that there is much

rain for him to use his vocal talents describing

school meals as like Ray Winston or something.

I mean, Ray Winston, Lou Threw.

Yeah.

Loads loads of cool voices.

Also, he just interviews himself about

what he imagines their favourite school meals would have been.

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

But I think you need someone who's a bit more,

do you know what I mean?

In that,

you know,

a Taoie person or something, not a Taiwan, like a kind of national treasure motherfucker.

Miriam Margulies' fucking school dinners,

something like that.

People would eat that well within spoon and blood.

Run down their cheeks.

Wow.

Yeah.

And history, they live history.

Do you know what I mean?

So they could be a school dinner through history with

what was it, Margaret?

Time Marglea's and Alistair McGowan.

What was his name?

Tony.

Is Tony Robbins the name of the guy from Time Team?

Yeah.

Hank He would.

He's

his podcast.

But remember, we had the perfect show for him, which was

trolling the waters around Epstein's Island and analysing the finds.

What's that called?

To

drag the waters, so to speak.

Yeah, that would be good.

Around Pedo Island.

Wow.

All that stuff.

What's kind of happening with all that Epstein stuff?

Epstein stuff?

Well, there's a kind of revolt among MAGA types, isn't there?

Because they're not releasing the Epstein files.

And in fact, they say the Epstein files don't don't exist.

So,

as many people have pointed out, that means Epstein was trafficking children to himself, which is not unlike the great man, you know.

He's got previous to debate that, but like, I don't think that plane was flying over empty, you know.

And also, you know, as a lot of people went to that island, if you go to a National Trust

property,

someone's going to have a scone.

Yeah.

You know?

And they're not all just wandering around looking at the furniture.

I suppose, yeah.

Is it kind of just that almost definitely Trump

went and he's like, I don't want to get any of this?

Did he not go?

Well, I'd imagine legally

we're not going to be able to say anything one way or the other.

Yeah, if we were going to be able to do that.

Trump certainly knew Epstein and was friends with Epstein.

Yeah, and the kind of New York big wig scene of balls, the kind of things that a Batman villain would

come through the ceiling to dispel.

But maybe it's a bit like

one of those things where you don't know how to have it.

To them, Epstein's thing would have been like,

you know, nothing.

Like, he's not vampiring anyone.

He's not, you know, harvesting any andrenochrome.

He has no direct line of communication with the archons that dwell outside the dimension, hungry, ageless gods.

He's just like, do you know what I mean?

It's like probably,

you know, Greg Wallace getting done at Epstein's probably to them, because the scale is so vast, him and Greg Wallace are right beside each other

and

you know, it ascends into the heavens.

I was thinking like this, like, uh,

people are kind of replacing alcohol with autism in terms of reasons for their sexual misbehavior do you know i mean it used to be oh sorry i was at that party and i was steaming and i just grabbed her but now it's like um i was adhd and autistic and nobody helped me and that's why i stood and said all those things to those women and you're like I don't know if it's a one-for-one

thing.

I don't know if it's a one-for-one replication.

Yeah.

How much did you need to use sexual language or indeed John Thoreau's racial epithets?

How much was that needed to criticise a cheesecake?

You're just sort of like, couldn't you have got through this?

It seems to me

wholly extraneous.

I can't imagine being able to

interject a racial slur into my description of a fucking pondant.

A French fancy.

pretended dauphinoir, unable to be verbally rendered without some kind of horrific slur.

I it's it's a bit odd, isn't it?

And um I was thinking though, is is is autism like alcohol in some sense?

And I do think someone was saying to me

someone was saying, I don't know, all these people are getting diagnosed with autism and that type of stuff it's a little disheye because I used to work with autistic children and they couldn't function without any help and they were non-verbal.

So the idea that somebody who can get through life has it and then they have it at the same time.

And I'm like,

but it's a bit like how a beer and a whiskey are both alcoholic.

Do you know what I mean?

Like they're different strengths.

But fundamentally, they're both the same thing.

What do you think the word spectrum means?

Like,

you know, I mean, obviously obviously, obviously, right?

So, we work with people who are diagnosed autistic,

and I mean, it's like very clear to me that they are not neurotypical people.

Sure, you only need to talk to them for a few minutes to get that sense.

So, in a way, I think sometimes some normal type people are in denial.

You've got, really, that guy that fucking does a podcast about pins or something.

That's he's

he's just the same as everybody else, isn't it?

The pin cast, Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, people do find it difficult to wrap their heads around it.

Yeah.

What did you do today?

You went to the gym?

Went to the gym.

Lots of wee guys, because it's the summer holidays.

All kind of encouraging each other in lots of friendship groups.

That's nice.

Scrolling on the machines,

leaving their jackets to reserve a machine.

That's you can't do that.

Come on.

I'm not a gym person, but I know.

It's absolutely chaos.

It's all over the place, gym etiquette.

Yeah.

But then, I don't know it depends how what you're training for because like sometimes if you're training for strength stuff apparently three minutes between sets so maybe you do sit and fucking do your Instagram all-time Celtic team or whatever

and then lift again

I don't know if I I mean I don't know anything about the Celtic or lifted weights but I think that like um it would take me more than three minutes to put together an ultimate team for sure but maybe you would do really it's just nineteen sixty seven plus Larson.

Oh, yeah,

I loved Larson, man.

I loved how he had his tongue out, you know, because

shamanic, it was a shamanic,

kind of like primal, yeah.

He was like, I'm not like you, I'm on my own level.

Um, yeah, he was a wonderful player.

To me, my hero was Martin O'Neal from that kind of era because, like, I looked at Larson, he's this confident guy with red locks, Swedish dude,

hat-trick king, you know, just

three goals every game.

And I just, there's nothing I can relate to there.

I've never had that level of success in my life.

But then he looked over at Martin O'Neill, a little kind of specky biscuit.

I was like, no, that's somebody I could maybe be if I really applied myself.

But then again, he was a twice European Cup

athlete.

What?

Yeah.

When he was a young man?

Yeah.

Wow.

Who did he play for?

Nottingham Forest.

Jesus Christ.

I didn't know that.

He was an actual football player.

I thought he just grew up in the library.

They're all footballers.

Wow.

But Ange post of Coggle, he wasn't a footballer.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're all footballers.

Don't just get a fucking ice hockey player in to fucking manage cell team, man.

I'm starting to see what the humorous idea behind Ted Lasso is.

He's never played soccer.

Can you believe that he's going over there to teach those lions how to play?

How fragile is everyone, man?

How much do they need everything to twinkle like a fucking fairy story?

Jesus Christ.

That show went off for fucking.

I mean, God bless everybody who's in it.

There's some lovely people who are in it and write it and things like that.

But my God.

I like the B guy turning evil.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Because his hair went grey.

I also feel evil.

Every time I see grey hairs in the mirror, I go, wow, one step closer.

It just just fucking was he not kind of on the road to evil anyway?

It was like he got bullied

and then he got the confidence of having a strong nice friend and that made him oh I can kind of stick up for myself but then power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely and absolute power is absolutely class and he took the piss with people he was but he was bullying people in the team and then Ted Lasso had to go listen I'm dealing my own BS right now, but the way that you're treating the ball boy or whatever, that's absolutely out of line.

And then he goes and becomes the manager for West Ham or Spurs.

I think it was Spurs.

There could be a whole parallel to

just the stuff they didn't show you.

Some of the episodes feel like that.

Some very kind of like insignificant but unsatisfying sexual encounters Ted had.

Yeah.

Some experiments he had.

You need to see the sex series.

There's a bit in it where like it's just the assistant coach who isn't in it very much and he gets drunk on a night out and you follow him all over town and then he meets Alistair Green who's a hotel concierge and stuff and you're just like what does any of this have to do with anything it's so fucking shite and like discombobulating and it just made me go I mean it's it's really after a hang like Ted's gonna top himself or something like that and then it goes to this episode where I mean fuck fuck me.

Well, you sort of get self-contained things because kind of screen eats story, doesn't it?

So, if you're going to have a plot for a series, it's just

hard to have enough stuff happening because it just moves twice the speed of the novel.

So, occasionally, you just have to have these kind of elevator episodes or whatever they call them.

Aye, bottle-up.

No, bottle-ups when it's like contained into it, like the fly thing.

I guess elevators the same.

Oh, it's the same as elevators are contained.

What a terrifying world if they weren't.

What's your favourite lift?

This could be a good podcast.

You know what?

Is it a lift in Cineworld?

I was thinking about that as well.

If you take that Cineworld Glasgow lift up beyond, I'd say the fifth floor, it lurches slightly as you

reach the the floor of your choice.

And it used to be certainly it would drop half an inch.

Boom boom.

And I remember being on there with my kid when he was little, and they'd lift drop lap, boom, boom, and push them out the door.

And I thought, that's a weird instinct, isn't it?

Like your instinct would always have been to get yourself out of the thing.

But now you're like enough to put your body more.

Yeah.

Interesting moment to have just before watching Lego movie or something.

Just before watching How to Train a Dragon 2.

Yeah, I had a real social faux pas in that lift once where I was coming out of um I don't even know if I should really say this but I was coming out of a film with my friends and it was really really high up screen and I hit the lift and the doors open and it was someone in a wheelchair and two other people and I was like right come on in and my files were like no maybe we'll just get the next one and I was like there's loads of room and they were like Chris for go out and I came out and they were like you just just you'd like people with wheelchairs kind of have a bit of space

i was like right okay

i would say no actually

it's your friends that are in the room the person in the wheelchair would rather just be a part of life treated normally

and like you know it's not going to make any difference to them if you get in and if you don't i think that's maybe i'm right you are right yeah

friends who othered this person that's right i was like well you know i'm a person they're they're a person.

Text them now.

Remember that time we went to see

what was the film?

God, I wish I could say.

I was in Cine World one time.

Sorry, it's a blur.

I'm outraged.

I was in Cineworld one time with a guy with a cerebral palsy, and we'd go on to see Filth.

Remember,

Irving.

Irving, Welsh.

And

where his da, and he he was under 18 at the time maybe 17 or whatever and a big German usher came and threw this guy with cerebral palsy.

He's never his da out in the cinema on the grounds that he wasn't old enough and he had to go and watch one of the Gerard Butler Olympus's fallen type comes.

But to me there was a subtext of ah this is a disabled person.

It just felt like that.

He was a big kind of

wiped out, yeah, kind of like shoulder-length blonde hair.

It was a Teutonic menace.

And he let me

maybe just stay away from people who aren't the Uber mensch, mate.

Maybe don't have a job where you're, you know.

I talked to the manager, and I was like, do you not think that's quite bad?

And he was like, no, I think that's great.

Okay.

You think that's great?

Okay.

Oh, the center world, man.

Then it went bust for a bit.

Yeah.

And then it came back, it just flickered back on just when you thought it gone.

Now it's back because it was originally supposed to be a HMV, I believe it was supposed to be the tallest HMV in Europe, really, and that's why there was the big V-shaped

lines on the outside.

And then they went, oh no, we'll put our HMV in that bit.

That's now, I don't even know where that hang is now.

Do you know what the new across the road for the Royal Concert Hall at the bottom of Buchanan Street?

Next to JD Sports, there used to be like a HMV, then it was a Zavi, and now it's some weird thing I don't understand.

But yeah, the cinema was supposed to be

a music shop.

That's how you know when you wake up in a different timeline.

You'll be walking down and you're like, fuck, that's a HMV.

I said, what?

What?

Start looking through world history.

What happened?

Jackie Kennedy got the fucking bullet in the head.

Oh, no, don't say that.

That would be horrible.

That would do.

What do you think would have happened if that happened?

Susie's got to teachers and lessons.

Well, do you know what?

If they'd shot Jackie Kennedy, um JFK would have assumed rightly it was an intelligence agency mob uh conspiracy, which the whole thing was anyway.

And he would have probably

gone to war with those um

forces, with Hoover,

uh who was involved in the FBI, and with Sam Giancana, who was the main mover in the the mob side of things.

and went to absolute mob war.

Yeah, all out mafio, so extermination.

That's why you're living in a world then, maybe without the mob, a cleaned-up world, without intelligence agencies, without the various coups that they inspired in the 50s, and

a wondrous HMV.

Tallest HMV in the world, tallest HMV in the world.

Kennedy opens it, man.

Robo Kennedy.

His magnificent steel arms.

His incredibly layered, bulletproof head.

Imagine he had like translucents, like kind of translucent masks that kind of enveloped each other until he couldn't feel or move his face.

Well, we're not that far away from your Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice.

He sort of booked Venice and a whole bunch of people came over to Oprah.

Rena did DiCabrio wearing a mask.

No, I was wearing a hat and going like, I'm not.

It's like, you're fucking like

that was about

it's just like

a lack of taste or class, it's just a display of power.

But

the last of those things, I think, they'll be able to be held outdoors before kind of like homemade revenge drones,

you know, or the drum Amazon.

Yeah, three or four years away from just the skies being black with a mixture of public and military drones, a constant war above us.

I don't know, I think that the Shinzo abification of

these types of things has to take place.

You know, you're not gonna

you can't rely on tech, you have to go back to the Blue Peter workshop and you need to start selling tape things together.

Tape and bowling balls and stuff.

You need to get a hammer, smash up a bowling ball, make

onyx, shrapnel, and then some kind of scatter gun blender bus, you know, to kind of

for people who are like your more standard global listeners, you need to hold things for

you know school dinners, run down

Shindo Abbey, Shinzo Abbey, Shinzo Abbey.

Shinzo Abbey is

listed.

Oh, he's just prime minister.

You're talking about Kobo Abbey.

I'm talking about Kobo Abbey.

I've got a fucking

Japanese Abbey's mixed up.

There's Shinzo Abbey, there's Kobo Abbey, and there's Buckfist Abbey.

We used to have a thing called a gypsy cream.

Here's something I was going to did.

I ask you about this.

I was talking to somebody.

I talked to an English person for my sins.

And I says to them,

we were talking about calm in some way.

This is my wont.

And I was saying, fuck me.

You'd end up like an empire biscuit was the kind of phrase that I used because an empire biscuit in the power lance of our times is glazed with icing,

which is a euphemism for ejaculated upon.

And he was like, What are you talking about, empire biscuit?

And I was like, Empire biscuit?

You don't have empire biscuits?

They get the jelly tot, they got a little cherry.

They don't have that.

That's a kind of Scottish thing.

It's a Scottish thing.

And it was the idea was to use all the ingredients of the Empire.

What?

Yeah, the sugar that came from the Caribbean, the jelly tots that came

yes that's what someone said to me once it was supposed to be i don't know but it is supposed to be jelly tots of the commonwealth

as we ravaged the the jelly tot farms of canada with the indigenous people

if we could have we would have oh we would have for sure yeah yeah they call it a german biscuit i think or they call it a dutch biscuit or something like that i mean i'm going to get get the Wikipedia for Empire Biscuit up, and we're gonna go.

I think we should do a deep dive.

Empire.

What are all those euphemisms for things being covered in cum?

Glazed.

Like a half-melted candle, like a laminated menu.

Oh, that's a good one.

Like a plasterer's radio.

Yes.

Etc.

etc.

Yeah, yeah.

But there's new ones.

Oh, can I tell you my thing?

Yes.

Why is there no

aftercome?

Oh, pre-cum.

Pre-come.

Where's the aftercome?

Aftercome is the shame.

Yeah.

It's just the kind of horrible feeling of.

Because I think, maybe I'm giving myself too much away here, but I do think that like sometimes when you come, your body goes, well, that's all you would ever put on earth to do.

Using up your goes, Theory.

What?

You're the using up your goes.

What does that mean?

You've used up all your shots at coming.

No, I don't mean I've run out.

That was like in the Renaissance, that was perfectly.

Oh, really?

You had it's like in Doom or Halo where you've got a number at the bottom of your screen.

Yeah, there's loads of it in shoots.

Reload!

Using up your marrow.

Imagine you came so much that the marrow depleted from your bones, and even dogs wouldn't chew on your body.

That's what I'd like.

I would like my bone marrow to pop out like a placenta.

Aftercome.

Aftercome.

Love Island aftercum.

I think it would be cool if you had pre-come, then come, and then maybe you could have just like you would, if you farted after you had sex, like just dust came out.

Flags of all nations would be good.

Yeah.

The points rounded off.

An empire biscuit, also known as Imperial biscuit, also known as German biscuit, Belgian biscuit, an iced biscuit.

So it's anywhere there's been a horrific empire, but it's a Scottish thing.

Empire biscuits were originally known as German biscuits, but were renamed during World War One.

Oh my god, it's a French fries.

French fries, food, and fries.

Hot dogs.

What were they called?

Frankfurt.

Oh, that's right, yeah.

And then they just called it a hot dog.

Oh, wow, the Empire biscuit was a.

It's very unlikely that people would have sympathised with the Germans in World War I because of the biscuit.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's to prevent lack of sales of the biscuits, though.

Do you know what I mean?

Turned against.

I'm not probably buying one of those German biscuits, not while Jerry's machine gunning our boys.

I would have felt like I had their biscuits.

Do you know what I mean?

They're starving in the trenches.

I mean, delicious jelly touch.

Trench warfare consumes a young Hamburgian man's foot.

That's the thing I was thinking about as we were thinking about the future of the podcast.

The episode we did last week where

the First World War was really an attempt, a hidden attempt by the world's armies to dig up the world serpent

Gourmand

or something like that.

That seems out of place

on the current podcast

roster.

Do you know what I mean?

But this is the only place you can get it if you like that kind of power.

and which is some people, not many people do,

but you gotta

do you, you know, I mean, you gotta just do whatever it is you do, you know.

Jamie Lang can't do this, the hair to the McVetti's Empire.

The world serpent.

I was just saying on Radio 1 the other day about the world serpent who's buried under, and Nick Grimshaw had the most incredible opinion.

He said,

is the head under Atlantis, and that's why we we can't see it and I thought wow that's really something the giants of

Jottenheim are some of the few listeners to this podcast well you don't mind

you can sign up to the Jottenheim giant

Patreon level

giant level you get behind the scenes access you get um

I'm one of the richest people in the country, but please give me multiple media jobs.

I need

that's another thing I felt.

We can't really do Patreon.

We can't really move to a Patreon model because I feel bad panhandling for cash.

And I know everybody else is fine with it, but everybody else is like, oh, I'm living in this fucking mansion.

It's sorry.

Please give me four pounds.

Well,

I know what you mean, but I think it's maybe a generational thing.

Is Patreon patron with the word eon in it?

Eons of patronship.

I don't know where that comes from.

To me, the most interesting thing is like OnlyFans.

OnlyFans.

Not because I'm addicted to pornography, but because

it was basically Patreon.

Like, that was what it was for us.

Like, this is the stuff that only your fans can see, which is a better name than Patreon, which means eons of patronship, which is weird.

But, like, OnlyFans was initially that, and then basically Patreon was like, we're not having sexy stuff.

We can't have porn.

And then OnlyFans was like, oh, we have a wee bit, but we'll do loads of other stuff as well.

And then obviously, like every other aspect of the internet, the porn money and the porn content flooded it.

And then that's uh, you know, they're trying to dig themselves out, but we wouldn't want it.

I'm absolutely all for anyone who wants to make a living on OnlyFans.

I don't mean this as a criticism, but if 25 years ago you'd seen in a sci-fi novel

someone filming an asshole before breakfast or whatever to pay the rent, it would have seemed dystopian.

Have we simply slid into

but then what the alternative is some guy

has

but the alternative is some guy films your bone hole and then he keeps the majority of the money and then you're destitute so it's about owners and it's the same way that with the Patreon thing it's like should a millionaire ask for money from its fans no but the millionaire is it and that's that's good the millionaire is an eh

I consider the millionaire is to be it and um should a millionaire

ask for money and small increments from his fans, but it's like if that means that that person can make stuff that would exist outside of the thing, they can make it anyway.

They can make it for free.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not a huge expense

to go and like get a make

and talk.

Heads up, heads up.

I just, I don't know, there's something about the actual

for just $3.99.

You can help restock my coi cart pond.

It's weird, but it's like I would rather pay than listen to adverts for stuff I don't like and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, sometimes you get that in prime where you can

get rid of the adverts.

And the thing that really upsets me is that like Prime and all these streaming services, they're supposed to be

like, they're supposed to be

the solution to the problems of TV.

And one of the biggest problems with TV, that when I watch TV with my mum and dad, which is the only time I watch TV in my life, is when I go to my mum and dad's house.

And I'm like, fuck me, adverts have been on for minutes.

But now with Prime or like Apple TV, there is adverts and it's the same fucking advert every time.

And you get, you watch a, you binge watch a series of something, you've seen the same advert 12, 14 times and you're like, I know this advert fucking beat for beat.

At least with normal TV, it's a mix.

I will just not watch stuff if it's only on prime if i can't buy it i won't watch it

because like it's just too miserable i can explain i'll tell you what else i don't watch anymore youtube like how

obviously the here comes guillotine shows

and also my comedy space shows

around with adverts i was trying yesterday this will surprise you i was trying to watch quite a long interview with um string theorist Leonard Suskind

and the fucking

jumping in with fucking weight loss adverts.

Well, Leonard Suskind is trying to describe this kind of

unspace that we don't inhabit because of its lack of boundaries mathematically.

I can't even be doing with this.

And so now everything is audio for me.

I buy an audio book.

I'll buy a thing on stream.

And if it's not a buying thing, I won't watch it.

That's it.

It's just everyone.

I'll listen to podcasts.

The money has to come from somewhere.

I but

every fucking two minutes when the guy's trying to

somebody said that about my special that relates to my adverts.

I was like um

I don't know, I don't know

I don't know

you put adverts in it.

It's the person who I mean I want money, you know you want money?

Of course.

I need to put it in

just a

just a pawn and some

some game.

I wonder about how it affects your

like how how much people watch of it because the youtube figures see anyone that goes do you know donate to this we've got so many fucking followers on youtube we've got like those figures aren't real we used to so we used to do like new world order and like documentaries and stuff like that and you would go to them oh and we get half a million on youtube which you should never say because they immediately take it down because they did destruct about copyright right

um but you would say that and they would just go you cannot tell anyone at the bbc that you've got half a million on youtube because it's just like saying and my granny liked it

because those figures are based on it's a five second watch

um so it can start scrolling that and you can watch the i think the advert at the start even

not to immediately burst into an episode that the rest is entertainment here but how does the BBC know how many people watch it?

They have like a certain amount of sets that are done as a representative sample.

Yeah, they have that in America, so it's called the Nielsen's numbers or something.

They have something like that here.

That's so unrepresentative, though.

Well, it might not be very accurate.

Yeah, it's one of the things because people are chaotic and ununderstandable.

But also, particularly if you're doing a very niche thing, people think it well, I don't know, and actually it would be a better question for the rest of his entertainment who would probably actually know the answer.

But um I well, what we do is we spy on everyone.

You've heard that it's certainly it's a it's it's common

kind of pattern within telly that um

smaller things probably aren't are rated less accurately than bigger things.

So the love island figures are probably closer to the truth than your like, you know, first season of a sitcom or whatever.

But then maybe that's just something we tell ourselves to comfort ourselves at the harrowing uh accuracy of the figures.

I don't know.

But YouTube is not

uh

those are not real numbers.

It's like um Facebook views.

Do you know what I mean?

They really just are just are numbers.

Those are nothing.

Those are like if it scrolls past in your feed.

Yeah.

So there was a point where I think YouTube views is it ha you have to have been watching it for like

30 seconds or a minute or something.

They no, but they don't tell anyone, but people think it's five seconds.

Right.

Um, so but they we don't know.

So it's completely opaque.

What an internet guy said to to me was to start with half them.

So if you've got two hundred thousand well imagine it is a hundred thousand for a start before you get into how many people bailed after the second ad break.

Yeah.

But then people don't watch things

actively.

Do you know what I mean?

I think people will have a YouTube thing on in the background and then sit and scroll and sit on different

things

and it will just be there.

And if there's a if there's too many adverts they go off a of fuck site, man, it's with advert city.

But

I don't think people are actively consuming.

Like when I listen to a podcast, my finger's not on the app, I'm not looking at the thing, I'm just kicking.

You know, I'm trying to get to sleep usually,

or I'm doing the dishes, my hands aren't, you know, able to,

if it's really egregious, like there's some adverts for stuff where it's like screaming or alarms are going off, and I'm like, all right, oh, you're you, yes, this isn't working for me, brother.

I've not watched YouTube in years and years and years.

Yeah, it's just not where you can find

information without adverts.

So move the mind.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the adverts for this podcast, which has adverts every week.

If we're lucky,

does it, though?

Mine sometimes just has the music in it.

It just has the doom, the

advertise this week.

It comes back in.

What do they advertise?

I don't know.

Shoes.

What were we talking about?

Empire biscuits before that.

Come.

Before that.

All the classic topics covered.

Scottishness, the universe, and come.

My favourite lift, which I think are good lifts I've been in.

Dubai Airport has these insane lifts, which are like

because one of the terminals is a train ride away.

So the airport's so big that you have to get a train from one bit to another.

I think Hefro's like that as well.

There's a train in there, or there's a bus in there.

But Dubai's massive gilded cage,

and then there's like a

it's like a whole room as a lift.

It's like you come in, and they don't, there's no buttons, they just go up and down all the time, and they're massive.

And it's basically so that like 200 people can get down to the train station.

And it's really, you just feel like a little ant person, you feel like a Tom Thumb,

an injured private eye type guy.

It's good.

It's good to have a favourite lift, I think.

What What are the rarely asked favourites?

Do you have a favourite tree?

Yeah,

um

yeah there was one in my primary school and its roots formed a kind of like uh

what they called armchair like armrests.

So you could sit and it was like being spooned by a tree.

It might be one of those pedophile trees, like Lord of the Rings.

Or a tree that gets them.

Yeah.

The first one.

First one pedophile, is it?

The first one that remember Tom bombardo has to come and so the hobbits have gone and sat and they're falling asleep and it's just like come here yeah and tom bombardo's got to come down and sing sing them out of trouble you know please don't rape my hobbit friends they don't know that there's

good

he's kind of shacked up with the river you know he's a river yeah he's like an ancient representation of life or something He was then before every

fucker.

So yeah, in primary school there was this really lovely tree that you could kind of nestle in and I do remember that quite fondly.

Imagine you went back to see it now and it was all black and gnarled and there was a massive kind of fucking

phallic stump.

It was trying to grow its root.

You fucking...

And I left and it just kept getting a horrible tree deck grown out of it.

A grove to pump me.

Well, maybe.

And then as you arrive, it starts to flower.

It's like one of those corpse flowers.

Do you know those flowers?

There was one in Dundee recently, actually, the corpse flower.

Really?

Yeah, it bloomed.

And it was like there's one day to smell this thing.

It's the worst smelling fucking flower in the world.

It's a very Dundonian attraction.

Come and see the worst thing ever.

Okay.

Aye, that was quite a nice tree.

You must have a few.

Got a lot of favourite trees, my friend.

Had a good one in the botanics for years, used to write under it for years.

My stalker started sitting under it.

Yeah.

But it's still there.

Still would see it occasionally.

There used to be a great tree in Paula Castell that people used to tie the love tokens to and stuff.

My friends got married under it.

I think I got struck by lightning or something.

It's fucked.

Gone.

Imagine every couple who put a love token on it, once the lightning hit it, they all broke up that day and then they just never understood why they did it.

Well, maybe it was

muttering to themselves.

Let's go and drag these love tokens out of the mud.

What happened to you and Linda?

What happened to Elliots were so happy together?

Wow, just one day.

One day we were in bed and she burst into friends.

I'd imagine you can get back together after it and you go, what happened to us?

That's weird.

You know, couples like some couples, but I don't know.

I think you need to get the um the wood from the tree and make it into your fucking wardrobe or something and you can get back to your old relationship.

You will get back together, but you have to wear the

a shard of bark around your neck as a talisman, I guess.

Coat of wooden armour.

The hateful anti-love god of thunder that's ruined your relationship.

Um I'll show you it someday if you're never round about those parts.

Yeah, show me love tree.

The ruins of the mighty love tree.

Well, that's.

I mean, there's

my least favourite tree if you want to hear about that.

I mean, I hate gets clicks.

I do remind me to tell you some more about Pakistan.

Okay.

What's your least favourite tree?

Off the microphone?

No, no, no.

Let's.

I'm just.

Let's put a pin in it.

This is too.

This park gossip is too red hot for the podcast.

They're my least favourite tree.

So, also hit by thunder recently also struck by lightning you can't get hit by thunder really

struck by lightning during that storm at the start of the year and

there's that bit where i like to look at that heron in the park oh yeah there's like the little bit and what i've noticed is

i don't know i think the heron got spooked and he's just like i'm gonna go back there but i haven't seen this heron in his usual spot i also think it's a new heron

but i think the tree fell onto the river and like like disturbed the way the fish swim or something in some way that that is no longer

the right place to fish for heron if you're for to fish as a heron and now it's in other places you know sometimes I'll see them at the the rat infestation bench bit with the bunch of trees down where is the rat infestation bench do you know you might avoid it

Do you know there's like this?

I think it's like a statue of Kelvin.

Oh, right there.

With the dog.

yes yes yes so there's all that's a rat was a crow park yeah well yeah but now it's kind of contested space we're rats yeah there's loads of yeah I'm so glad to be out of the best ten minutes so disgusting now that the rats have taken

I was the one that's holding it back you were the one you were Gandalf you know holding your mighty staff aloft maybe we could get Des to adopt the heron form and see what the changes are.

Maybe

he's not already.

He's been watching over me.

yeah

in the park he watches over me in the shape of a bird and in global he watches over me in the shape of a dj or andy we don't even know if andy's no des imagine we found out this entire building was designed

yeah

we're the only two real people in the world the rest body snatched by the clerkian menace

My son, when he was little, I used to do stories.

You know, I've done an improvised story, pick three things.

Sometimes I would do this through a puppet dragon, which had the voice of Rod Gilbert.

And it was called something like Roderick the Improv Dragon.

Hello!

Hello there!

But at night,

I'd do it in,

you know, just a kind of general way.

And one time I did one about a sentient house that had a kind of gentle Welsh voice.

So it was a Welsh theme.

And he found this unbelievably disturbing.

That is scary and he didn't enjoy enjoy it.

So that was a fear he had.

We always had to stay away from any kind of baba-yagash moving buildings or sentient fucking houses or whatever, right?

Anyway, his mum took him to an exhibition in Edinburgh for the Edinburgh Festival and they had a big VR thing in maybe the portrait gallery or something like that.

And he went, he's like five or six and he stuck on the helmet.

You're inside a fucking sentient house.

And to him, that was like having a fucking cage of rats strapped to your face.

face yeah lost his mind

you just think okay i won't mess my kids up because i'm i'm not like my mum did i'm smart but then you they really are so malleable and um

clay-brained kids that you can really put anything in there even if you're trying really hard not to sometimes you talk to them and you're kind of like You just see this kind of the weirdness of it, the weirdness of the relationship.

Like if you're like a teenager or 21, like my daughter or something, you're just like, this old guy really cares about me.

And it's kind of

strange.

Oh,

in Policy, Policy State, so it's a lot of fun.

But

there's a fairy garden.

And it's shite.

It's like a kind of municipal Glaswegian fairy garden.

And it's too big.

The doors are too big.

it's too crappy.

It's like Glasgow District Council housed the fairies in a scheme,

basically.

It lacks invention, it lacks

frankly dignity for the fairies.

And there's a big sloppily painted dragon perched above this fairy town.

And

I feel bad because it's obviously someone's old dazz got together and did this thing.

But you're like, no,

this lacks the fairy touch

what could they do better

everything

do you reckon anyone ever

could you have a single fairy lover like tinkerbell a single fairy lover well yeah but i mean how's tinker how are you going to achieve any kind of congress

with tinkerbell she flies up your dick hole up your dick hole no i mean that's not great maybe you need about three and they sort of stand around your dick and

kind of pull you off.

I think they could just get in your foreskin and roll about and probably feel alright.

If I had to guess,

sorry to the circumcised listeners.

She's got the flying dust.

She could put that.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'll probably feel incredible, yeah.

I wouldn't mind somebody flying at Marshall and flying at my dick.

Oh, I think that'd be cool.

If I had to,

how you get you know.

Oh, let's let's

let's restate this theory, which I think I touched on some elements of before, right?

Would you hear this?

Mary Poppins, yeah, right, is a magical practitioner.

What do we want to call her?

I don't know, but I think she can do magic.

And the umbrella

is sort of her broomstick, right?

A modern broomstick.

Yeah, but she doesn't sit on it like the traditional witch who were kind of wanking themselves off with those things.

That was the idea originally.

Right.

And

she carries it, so she's more,

she's less sexualised.

She's a witch.

She comes into the lives of these children, does a bunch of magic, then meets Dick Van Dyke, the chimney sweep.

Dick Van Dyke is also a magical practitioner.

What would we call him?

I would call him a wizard.

And his

chimney cleaning stick is his staff.

He's got this big staff.

He does his own magic.

He flies about.

He has a flirtation with Mary Poppins.

And through trying to show these children a good time, they're really flirting with each other.

These maybe Merlin and

Ganoffey.

Something like that.

We would have understood them in another time.

But who starts the whole adventure off?

Who begins the plot of Mary Poppins?

The da.

You would think the da, but who starts the ball rolling for the da?

It's the old guy that runs the bank.

The old guy that runs the bank,

Cannie Laugh.

And he's an old kind of guy with a white beard.

And at the end, they make him laugh.

The kids that Mary Poppins, the witch, and Dick Van Dyke the Wizard have magically educated make him laugh and he flies up to the ceiling and then does he die at the end?

I don't know.

I think he dies.

Who is it?

Who's the old guy that runs the bank?

It's Dick Van Dyke.

It's the same actor.

So Dick Van Dyke as Merlin in his later years sets in motion the great love of his life that also ends up killing him.

That's the hidden plot of Mary Poppins.

He longs for death.

He longs for love and he longs for death and maybe they're the same thing from the point of view of a

wizard.

Three is 4,000 years old at least.

At least.

Wizard.

It could also just be his nephew who looks like him.

But it literally is Dick Mandy.

It literally is the same person.

And the story?

No.

No.

That would be crazy.

That would be crazy.

I'm a magical chimney sweep.

Why would he

run a bank?

It's also about how

it's kind of about how the modernity and the banking system spoils these two magical people and makes them an opa

and a chimney sweep.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't think there's any criticism men of any bank.

No, there's criticism of the bank.

Yeah, it's criticism of that taking you away from your children and from life and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Flying a kite.

But

I don't think there's any criticism of the nanny system.

Quite the reverse.

Yes, it's it's encouraged.

Wow.

So what else have we gone at Pollock Estate?

Terrible fairy garden.

I tell you what, I went through Queen's Park.

Is that the one on the south side?

With the big

pond with the strange metal structure in the middle.

Yeah.

There's such a wildness to that park.

Like compared to Kelvin Grove and compared to like Alexandra Parade.

That's the whole thing on the south side, but I think Glasgow in general, you don't get this in London.

Everything's too curated and fucking manicured.

And you walk through a public park in Glasgow and there's fucking two acres of nettles that nobody's touched for like 30 years.

And you're like, that must be like, if you were a rat scientist, that must be like the fucking land that time forgot.

That must be fucking Superman's bottle city of Kandor.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

The incredible access to...

I mean, it's beautiful, isn't it?

That it's still wild bits.

But I'm used to Kelvin Grove, which is quite manicured.

Do you know what I mean?

And then I'm thrust into

I came out of Langside and walked through that.

I mean, there was just no pavement, it's just stones, and then the path would stop.

A field would start, start walking through the field.

All of a sudden, where were you going?

You're walking up to Langside through Queen's Park.

I was walking away from Langside through the park towards town, towards like Tradestone.

So the top end of it is completely

wild.

Ed's fields.

Yeah, it was it was awesome.

I was really struck by it.

If I was a murderer,

that's totally what my hunting ground was.

If I was a murderer and you were my lady.

There was always rumours at school and for years and years and years that there were Satanists in that at that bit of the

someone had hung a cat there.

I don't think they had and that there were marks in the trees that meant satanic ceremonies happened there.

I love that top bit, lang side bit of Queen's Park.

The lang side.

The long side.

But once, me and my pal did what Brianna at school and we heard a weird chanting in there.

What do you think it was?

People fucked up on glue.

But if you were of a if you were of a satanic frame of mind, satanists.

Were you were you were you living through the satanic panic?

I?

Yeah.

Were people jankip just but now you're not in that type of stuff?

Not calling you a devil wish or something, but you like Dungeons and Dragons and things like that.

Jenkins had the opposite effect.

I don't think Dungeons and Dragons has anything to do with Satan.

In the eighties, they would say,

but they would say a lot of shit.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

They said a lot of crazy shit.

Yeah.

It was just part of like um

a general kind of like conservative

backlash against culture.

There's a good documentary about it, but you know, a typogore

um starts the parental advisory.

What's her name, Mary Whitehouse?

Oh, well, Mary Whitehouse was in Britain, so Mary Whitehouse kind of predates this stuff.

Mary Whitehouse was about from the late 60s, really, and she ran

a thing that was like a general kind of censorship charity that was like ban this filth.

A show has been on the BBC, it showed some knockers or something, right?

And there'll be a big uproar about that.

But the other part of their thing, which everybody's forgotten about now,

ban war photography.

She's very opposed to war photography and to images from wars because she felt it would sap the national morale for taking part in wars.

Forgive me if I've spoken about this.

So, obviously, off the back of the Vietnam War.

Yeah, but that was one of the only things I managed to learn about in university before I had a mental breakdown and dropped out was that

when the video camera was introduced to war and people got to see Vietnam in the house and go, oh, that's not what I thought was going on.

I mean, it's like in World War II, all you had was uh it was world war one with wilfred owen and other boys

it was like that was the that was the equivalent somebody went oh i regret being here because my mustard gas my face my pal's dead and all this type of stuff and you go that's a shame but poetry is not as strong as actually seeing an 18 year old on heroin um

you know

some people would argue poetry is stronger but it's strong it's it's certainly less immediate yeah i mean it takes months for you know you to for this to reach you.

Yeah.

Years.

Yeah.

Many wise was right in a way because they didn't have a tight enough censorship regime.

So one of the

one of the factors, it was a thing that was in the Vietnam War.

It was called the Dover factor.

And this meant that there was a an army airport.

in a place called Dover, which was where the body bags arrived back from Vietnam.

And they would show this on the news.

They would go, oh, 50 American soldiers have died in Vietnam this week.

And they show the bodies getting unloaded unloaded off the plane, which you would never see now.

You would never.

I think I tried to do a joke about a body bank one time on TV, and they wouldn't, so you can't say the word

in relation to you know, but now it's so messed up that it used-well, it used to be war poetry.

Then, in the 60s and 70s, it would be well developed the handheld video camera, so now you can see what's going on from a journalist's point of view.

Then, there was embedded reporting in the Iraq war, which is we put the soldier in with the soldiers, and then you're kind of biased because these are the guys who are looking after you.

So, you know what, sentences and that's the stuff they're doing.

But now,

in Israel, you have the IDF and they're filming the things that they're doing,

they're recording their own war crimes, yes, but sort of accidentally or incidentally.

So, I would argue it kind of goes the other way.

You start with, oh, you have this thing in Vietnam where they consider that

war photography, particularly still photography, was a really big part of

the resistance to that.

And then you move towards

the Iraq war and embedded reporting.

And now you have Israel where they're killing journalists and no journalists are allowed in to Gaza.

So remember, at the moment, there are no international journalists in Gaza because you can't get in.

So it's actually tightened and tightened and tightened.

And what she had advised, which was if you want to maintain support for violence, you need to stop people from seeing it, was technically true.

Yeah, she had a good point.

Why were we talking about Mary Whitehouse?

Oh, yeah, Tip Agore.

Somebody was Huffing Glue in Langside Park.

So they start as a conservative backlash to the various forces in the 70s, you know, like the Black Panthers and all that kind of stuff.

So you get into the start of the 80s and Reagan and all this kind of stuff.

And they're like,

oh, how do we clamp down on culture?

And one of them was parental advisory.

And it was this committee headed by Tip Agore.

And they got all these like metal bands and stuff like that.

Nancy Reagan and all that type of money.

And they got them

in a

Senate hearing, but they suddenly got them in a hearing.

Judas Priest.

Yeah, loads, loads of different people.

And they're like, if you play this backwards, it's like follow Satan and all this kind of bucks, right?

And one of the people who stands up to him is John Denver.

Because they bring in John fucking Denver and say Rocky Mountain High is about like getting stoned.

And John Denver's like, it's about the Rocky Mountains and they're high.

And he gets really annoyed and it's Finger.

Yeah, he pretty much tells them to go fuck themselves and there's all these big fucking hair metal bands going, oh we're very sorry, we'll put the sticker on the thing, you know.

But he'd had it.

Possibly they assassinated him.

Possibly they fucking took over his plane.

He was too much.

Possibly Nancy Reagan, the blowjob queen, had John Denver assassinated for his

faux drug pro mountain music.

Would you have taken a blowjob from Nancy Reagan?

Yeah.

Wait, let me add this.

You can never tell anyone.

Yeah.

If a blowjob happens in the forest and no one's around here, did you still come?

Yes.

Anyway, it's been a great weekend.

Here comes a guild.

No, I would just, I was,

I was going to say that, like, when you put, and obviously we also have a little sticker at the start of our podcast that says

here comes a guillotine

for children or adults or

people this is strictly for dogs

who's getting that up in front of the kids

I mean when I was a wee guy and I was buying CDs and stuff if I didn't have the sticker on it I'm no fucking buying it

I mean it's kind of like this is good and the same with DVDs and stuff you see a Jean-Claude van damn film we're 15 you see a Jean-Claude damn film we're an 18 I'm getting 18.

I want to see fucking

Chebs.

I want to see somebody's head deep fried in like that one where he's in the hockey stadium.

Was it called?

Nothing's an 18 now.

It's odd, just like if you couldn't watch this with a fucking 11-year-old, why would you want to watch it at all?

Yeah, it's like maybe because I'm an adult and I'm a sick fuck.

But it's that thing of like our children don't have teeth to like uh you know children's teeth are underdeveloped so nobody's allowed to eat steak.

It's like you know you should be building people up so that eventually they're ready for steak.

Not that steak is outlawed.

Have a bit of John Claude Van Damme in every child's movie.

In France they have a little glass of Jean-Claude Van Damme with the meals and that gives them a healthier

healthier approach.

He's just standing with his legs slightly too far apart.

He's not doing the splits.

not doing the splits, but he's lower.

He's four foot nine.

That's weird.

He's shorter than usual.

I'd love to be able to do this.

And you know, I honestly thought when I was a wee guy, when I grow up, my life will be like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jackie Chan.

I will be

fighting people in the street and on rooftops and doing the splits.

Well, you can do the splits.

You can teach yourself to do the splits.

It's fairly simple.

You can teach myself to drive, frankly, but I don't see a car in my driveway.

You're not supposed to teach yourself to drive.

Never had a lesson.

I studied at the School of Hard Knocks.

Hey, how you doing?

Prudu Sandy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

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This is a Global Player original podcast.