Your Saddish Period Has Become Sadder

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

We've got some absolute screamer

problems.

Thank you so much, Bruce Randy, for sourcing these

problems.

Don't we need

a mailbag theme?

A mailbag theme.

And I was thinking

we could do my song about Dracula.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Aye.

He's buying a ship.

He's fucking your wife.

He's gonna curse you with eternal life.

Dracula is coming to

town.

Welcome to the mailbox.

I thought I was going to go into verse two.

Five verses.

There's five verses in Dracula's Come to Time, which I think is more than Santa Claus gets.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus?

Is it

A

dad

who's dressed up as Santa Claus in his own house?

Yes.

B

an affair with an older gentleman.

Yeah.

C.

Phil Hartman and Jingle all the way.

Santa.

Or cucked by an actual

winter yotide deity.

Rudolph, with your nose so bright, help me cuck someone tonight.

Rudolph is fed up.

Rudolph's nose provides erotic lighting for Santa's.

Like in what is it, Annie Hall?

The red light bulb that gets put on when he wants to rut around.

Woody Allen, you rut her.

So we've got some questions that aren't about Santa or Dracula.

Okay.

Sadly.

If you have any Santa Dracula questions, send them into the email address, which I believe is...

I'm not going to make up a mail address.

It comes at the start of the episode.

Hello, Susie, Christopher, and Frankie.

Did they write it like that?

Hello?

No.

I just didn't read it properly.

Hello, Susie, Christopher, Frankie.

Love the show and listen every day.

Although I initially tuned in for the comedy, I found listening a real education in subjects.

I knew very little about it.

Well, you're not the only one.

Extremely alarming.

I know you each travel a lot and are well-read, so I thought I'd try my chances at Mailbag Roulette to see if you might be up for answering the following.

I'm working on a project to paint Britain's most beloved bookshops.

and I wondered if you have a favourite bookshop you've visited on your travels.

All the best from Linlisco, Marisa.

Very much enjoyed the

Portobello Books.

Portobello Books.

Which is down

near the beach in Portobello.

Beautiful bookshop.

They do events.

I've never been there.

I did an event with Rob Delaney in a public school theatre.

That was hosted by Portobello Books.

Is that for your book or his book?

It was for his book.

A very good book

about bereavement.

But quick into the event, I realised most people were there because they too had been bereaved.

And I had to...

I had brought my son, and I had to quickly rein in my jaunty tone.

Yeah.

And,

yeah, but it was a great book.

Yeah.

A grief.

I remember reading his book where I used to have a job in town where you'd

like a zero-contract thing, and they would give you two shifts in one day.

So, you'd be working for like five hours, but with a three-hour break in the middle, something stupid and illegal, like that.

And what I would do is I'd just go to Waterstones and I would read whole books, which obviously isn't great for the point of view of the author that I'm stealing people's content.

But I read John Rodson's entire bibliography, and I read some of your stuff.

So, you'd all rather you read it for free, really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, that makes me feel better.

But I read one of Rob's books.

I stole one of rob's essay collections as a 21 year old oh wow yeah sorry sorry rob you won't mind either no i read all of james elroy when my marriage was on the rocks in my 20s in an autocars bookshop wow i was just off in a in a world of panty prowlers and um

catchpaws catch paws cutouts people were being worked through cutouts what's a cutout a cutout is someone that is between you and the person that you're attempting to manipulate.

So say for example if you were in the FBI and you wanted to have Martin Luther King shot you might try and get what's he called James L.

Ray.

This is confusing that we're speaking about James L.

Roy and James L.

Ray.

You might try to get him in possession, but you wouldn't want to actually meet him and provide a trail that people could go, what the fuck was he doing, meeting my guy from the FBI?

So the intermediary that you would use would be called a cutout.

Right.

Okay.

And what bookshop was that?

Ottica's?

Ottica's.

What a magical name.

A now defunct chain of bookstores that was kind of ousted by Borders.

Oh, and then Borders.

Yeah.

And general stupidity.

My favourite bookshops in Scotland.

I know it's Britain's most beloved.

There's a few crackers.

Definitely go to Wigton.

Wigtown, I think.

Wigton and Wigtown are different places.

But Wigtown's the book town.

And there's several really class.

Some of them kind of specialise in different stuff.

There's like a pulpy one full of sci-fi books and

fantasy books that are like original prints for the 60s and 70s.

Oh, I'd like to go.

You would really get a kick out.

You would.

And they have one that's an old bank that they've turned into

a bookshop.

Then there's Leaky's up in Vaness.

An absolute cracker.

Remember, we I'd never been there.

I stumbled upon it with you when we were up doing Eden Court.

And that was an absolutely beautiful.

Two floors and it's like an old church or something.

I got a copy of Michael Murcock's Gloriana, The Unfulfilled Queen.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

I got J.G.

Ballard's The Drought,

I think it was called.

So he's generally thought thought of as Ballard to get promotion from traffic calming measures.

A very good kind of character for sketch, JG Bollard.

It's just

a kind of block.

It's quite dystopian, it's out fine.

And I also from that shop got...

What's his name?

Kobo Abbey.

Kobo Abbey.

I'm reading a Kobo Abbey book just now, if that's his name.

We're going to look it up.

I think his name's Kobo Abbey.

He's a Japanese.

He's like a Japanese serialist.

Kobo Ababa.

I don't think people who used to our loose

ontological standards in this podcast are going to pronounce that in Japanese or so wrong.

Kobo Abbey.

He died in 1993.

Maybe his soul in any me.

That's when I was born.

But Kobo Abbey.

He had a book.

I'm reading a book just now called The Box Man.

It's about this kind of

substratum society in Japan who wear cardboard boxes and like have their whole lives inside the box and a little slit to look out and look up at people and stuff.

But really, yeah,

you know, they could get up to no good, these box people.

And it kind of if you see a box man and you're a certain way inclined, it infects you and you have to kill them and become a box man as well.

So it's quite challenging stuff.

But and it's became really sexual halfway through.

I was going to say it sounds like a Japanese porn cast.

If you don't think there's a scene where he's in his box outside

a doctor's office and some woman's been examined by a doctor and he's, you know, furtively masturbating inside a cardboard prison, you don't deserve that microphone.

I just, um,

I just remember like

years ago there used to always be like elegaic poetic titles on Japanese porn and always like haunted by forbidden ass or something like that.

Yeah.

I remember when the tragedy of Cuckold Mountain

seemed like almost like a choose your own adventure kind of thing.

Turn to page 46 to ignore your wife's pleading.

Sexual needs.

It's like in goosebumps when it would be a choose your own adventure and like a haunted carnival and it's like, oh, your head's been chopped off by that crazy roller coaster, but every single you are dead is just

the most important person in your life

being thumped in the funny by some.

That's how you win.

That's how you win.

That's what you're aiming for.

So in Goosebumps, there's one ending that you survive and you escape the haunted carnival.

Haunted by Cuckoo Mountain.

You think there's one ending where you get cuck and every other one is like your marriage continues, hopefully.

Wow.

You get your therapy, and it's all fine.

Okay, well, we'll need to speak to the publishers because I've got different ideas.

It depends what our market is.

Is our market cucks?

Yes.

Well, isn't that what they want?

I don't know.

Who's buying more bits?

I don't know what the cucks want anymore.

They're going to ask me.

I was googling it there.

I Kobo Abbey.

He's cracking.

I got Women in the Dunes by Kobo Abbey, which is about women who's stuck

check out Cobo Abbey if you're into stuff like that.

There's the water mill in Aberfeldi in the Highlands.

That was a fucking Cobo Abbey novel, yeah.

Sudden change of tone in the great man.

Aberfelde Watermill is a three-story former oatmeal mill in the picturesque Highland Persia town of Aberfeldi.

That's a screamer.

It's a bookshop.

Yeah.

I mean, it used to be a mill.

How much fucking twinkly fucking hipster nonsense do we need?

Oh, it's an old mill that used to be a fucking, it's now a bookshop and they grind around grain

for the scones.

Oh, fuck off.

We're living in the crumbling ruins of a post-industrial country and we have to make use of these spaces.

No, mate, you going to a fucking

hipster fucking bookshop is not the last thing.

It's not for hipsters, it's for old people.

It's for old people.

You know what, what as well?

Hipsterism,

all this stuff, all cover for

the bourgeoisie.

Really?

You know, how often do things get called bourgeois anymore?

Oh, it's all gentrification and hipsters, and oh, ha ha, I mean joining.

Bougie's become a compliment.

Bougies become a compliment, indeed.

Do you know what I mean?

And in fact, those are the enemy.

Do you know what I mean?

Those are exactly who we need to destroy.

And their vile fucking tastes are infecting everything.

What other other bookshops would you recommend

to Marie Safram Lithgow?

I think, well, maybe you're right, but people do say, oh, that's quite bougie in there.

And with a wink, you know, as if to go home.

I remember speaking to a friend of ours who is well-off, a well-educated man.

And he was going, okay, it's a shame what's happened to the neighbourhood.

It's became quite gentrified.

And I was like, I mean, sort of, but at the same time, the coffee's lovely and the wheat cakes are nice.

you know.

You're less like, I mean, as someti as someone who's, you know, grew up in the East End, any types of gentrification, I'm like, yeah, good.

Bring it on.

A wee bit.

Just balance.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm maybe I'm ill ill-informed.

But that's'cause you're not seeing the other side of it.

You're not seeing the people who've been driven out like fucking rats

and they're on out out in fucking Carn Waderick or something.

You know me, I don't like to see rats driven out like rats.

So that there's a fucking Amareto, fucking

artisan, fucking bakery

where they used to live.

You don't think Baliston could do with a few Amaretto factories?

Yeah, but that's not where it's going.

Do you know what I mean?

It's going to Deniston.

Yeah.

And the people who are in the fucking place where the Amaretto factory used to be, they're going to fucking Baliston or further.

I was speaking to a politician who was based in Deniston and it was becoming quite gentrified and and he was like it can never

it will never truly be gentrified because there's so much like housing for like insane people

so those people can't go anywhere else so they'll always be there which will keep it ungentrified thank god the only sanity is provided by

the presence of fucking mad people

There's a bookshop in Glasgow, right, that has a cafe.

I won't say where it is

because I still like to patronise this place.

No guesses.

And one time I went in there and I got a coffee and whatever, as I usually do, and I like to read the books in the corner.

And the guy went, I don't think your card went through.

And I'm like, I think it did.

It said approved.

Was it a thing?

And he went, No, it didn't.

I don't think it did.

He was a bit unsure.

I was like, Well, if it said that, could you not have told me the time?

And I'm like, Has he put this through twice?

So, anyway, I do it again.

And then, on the way home, I'll check my account.

And he has put it through twice.

He just wasn't sure if he'd put it through.

So, he's charged me sucker five pounds twice.

But because I called him on it, because I went, Why didn't you just

hates me and this guy?

But I was like,

How long do you really last in a

bookshop cafe job?

Do you know what I mean?

How long am I gonna have to put up with this guy?

Here's what you should do.

I'll do it.

I'll happy to touch your cat's part, right?

But can I just say before that?

It's been five years.

He's still there.

He's still there.

Fuck me.

Well, this dance is fucking austerity, man.

Yeah.

This guy, can he move?

He's like a ghost.

He's like a living ghost.

Yeah.

Tied to this place.

You were saying that jobs jobs that used to be quite transient transient, and hey, well, I'm doing this for a wee bit and I'll do something else.

People don't do that anymore.

People are kind of struck by the necessity for

a bedrock.

What I would do, what I could do is if you print off your bank records,

if you go on your online banking account, find the date.

2019.

2019.

I'm sure you know the exact day.

I will go in and go, do you remember?

By the way, he remembers.

I don't know.

Of course.

But you know that way, sometimes you hate someone for a very minor thing, and then the hatred becomes the only thing you remember about the encounter, and you don't actually remember what the instance was that drove you to the madness.

It's just you're completely consumed by the madness.

And sometimes people go, Would you not like that guy for?

You've always talked about how much we kill him and stuff.

And I'll just go, oh, he said something weird to me once.

And then I think about it, go, isn't that weird Actually, I think for that, you have to have a baseline.

It seems strange that I hate that person.

Whereas with me, I think you go, why did I hate that guy?

It must be something.

Probably a bunch of stuff.

What the bookshop?

I like that one on like Leaf Walk, like the top of Leaf Walk, Golden Hair.

Is that what it's called?

Is that a different one?

It's in Edinburgh.

And it's like right next to fucking

like after the Playhouse.

And it's really nice.

Really, really really nice

I was in Black's bookshop in Edinburgh when I was doing the

just up oil and people what are they called that are doing the stop rose bank thing so they're doing a

event that I was hosting

and I was killing time turned up early when at

Black's bookshop some bad boys

ran down the stairs in high spirits and grabbed all the books on a big canal book island and hurled them to the ground laughing and in a general mood of capering and abandoning and then ran past us out into the street and me

and an old a very old couple and one of the assistants picked up the books and put them all back and sorted officing out in complete silence when none of us at any point went oh that was weird or whatever we just didn't just silently mended the thing like we were NPCs in a game and went about there.

How do you feel about that?

You know, I feel it's um

we do have a social function.

I felt like I felt like an ant that was just rebuilding part of the part of the mound or whatever.

Your wasps came in,

laughed,

stung,

stung part of your mound,

ruined the ruined the fabric of your stairwell from one mound section to another, and you've just went

weird

mandibles were fucking chomping away man your antennae flickering with um

instinct

that's fucked

I um is black's the one that's in like Nicholson Street like on South Bridge yeah that's great shop great uh

like if you're into like trading cards and things'cause downstairs they have the magic the gathering

like they've got so much stuff in there.

I'm not into that type of stuff, but I like the way I look.

I like to go and look around, you know, like an adventure

section.

Think about a different life where I played more board games.

I think that life's come.

It's come, it's gone its way.

And to you, too, listener.

Listen, I had a lot of people on my Instagram DMs going, hey, where are you?

You put out that Disney Dragons thing.

Yeah, it's coming.

It's coming.

Oh, your horses.

Is the name of the company?

No, well.

Have you ever done an A D H D and D?

Like, for the other day, we just done it there, yeah, yeah, but I think we were pretty.

Do you know, I have some

attention issues, I'll say,

but when I'm playing something like that, I'm pretty locked in, it's easy to get locked in with stuff like that because I guess you're kind of looking for stimulus, and somebody's telling you a fucking story, so you're like, oh, as long as they're good,

as long as they're good, and Rob is a very good team.

What are the

bookshops?

I'm a big fan of you, Wigton, Wigton, Leakey's in Inverness.

Some lovely ones in Edinburgh.

Highland Bookshop, are you a big fan of that?

Hindland Bookshop, are you a fan of that?

No comment.

Highland Bookshop in Fort William, you ever been there?

Hindland Bookshop.

Not very friendly towards children.

Very friendly towards dogs.

They like dogs?

They like a dog.

They do not.

I would say

it's just a vibe.

But

not love a child.

for people who stock a lot of children's books.

For people with several tables' worth of children's books, of you know, the lonely anti-or the bear who lost his hat or whatever.

To be fair to them, they're not expecting a child to come in and choose a book, they're expecting an old hindland granny to come in and choose a book.

And fair enough, a joyless, wealthy, desiccated, talcum powdered,

blue-rinsed

fossil to come in and go, Oh, the bear, we've lost his hat.

And that's the target demo.

A lot of times I'm in there, and I just feel maybe this is me, you know, projecting or something, but I just feel looking at me like, What are you doing here?

Get out.

It's not you, it's Jen.

That's what I'll leave everyone.

The laboratoire espresso off.

Yeah,

and that they have a great stock and can't stop going.

I'm not really hanging about Highland as much because I'm going to be a bit further away from it now.

They've moved flat.

But they've got that new jazz

record shop

two doors down from the I got out just in time.

I should go up more.

And there's some other absolute crack.

The Highland bookshop, and this is a really long answer,

but it's been quite fun.

In Fort William,

absolute screamer.

I just remember the book I got in the windmill, the Aberfilter Windmill.

I got Islands of Abandonment by Carl Flynn, which is this book about like when humans ruin an area.

Like the what's it called?

The place between Greece and Turkey.

You know what I'm talking about?

There's like a Cypriot.

Maybe one of the sides would be really upset by me saying that, but there's like a no-man's land essentially between these two countries that hate each other.

And if you go there, you get shot.

And then there's places, there's like rivers in America that are so polluted that they can catch fire.

And it's like, what type of animals can live in places like this that have been bombed to fuck or that are flammable water or

like Chernobyl?

Or there's a cow island in Scotland that's full of cows.

And that they all have anthrax because they used to test anthrax on these cows and now the cows.

That would be a good extreme burger.

Man versus food.

Big view.

Big view on that, man.

Adam guy from Man vs.

Food and say, We've got a challenge for you.

It's an anthrax book.

This week on diners, drive-ins and dives.

Guy Fieri is going to breathe in toxic anthrax.

Aye.

So it's like an anthrax island full of these horrible, deadly cows.

They're feral.

And it's like...

You don't really get a domestic cow.

Do you?

Well, I suppose they are.

I mean, I suppose they are domesticated to some extent, aren't they?

I've seen a video of a cow, like a bull, being introduced to, like, a herd of cows.

Have you seen this video on Instagram?

Yes, I have.

Sadly.

And it's like a cow who is like kind of shy.

And the farmer's like, go on, get him.

You know what you want.

But he's like, he's got like performance exactly.

This cow doesn't want he's he wants to have sex with these cows but he's like maybe he's grew up not around a lot of of women or something.

And it's like, but now I like that video and I send it to my girlfriend.

I'm going, this is quite funny, isn't it?

But now I'm getting loads of cattle videos because of the way the algorithm works.

So every day I go on Instagram and it's just here's a big bull or here's a shoot.

You're getting into it.

Not in a sexy way, but I do think cows have a kind of gentle majesty.

Cows are great, man.

Yeah.

Like I knew a bunch of cows as a child.

And

Donna go.

Yeah.

And, you know, they're pretty jolly, playful munch.

It's getting, you know, they're trapped in this giant body because we bred them to grow for meat.

And really, they're much more kind of playful than that, but that then makes them semi-dangerous.

This

video I got yesterday was about a 2,200-pound cow.

He's like basically the Andre, the giant of cows.

And he had a horn infection.

They had to take his horns off.

And he's got a really saggy neck that's like really

it's like a sailboat sail

uh and he's beautiful and he's so they said that he's kind of like a gentle uncle to all the animals on the farm who don't really understand how big he is and i don't think he understands how big he is either

and to compare it to i suppose but it's beautiful i've been watching something that you know like um

low-level tv is looking for something where they can just churn out a thousand deps do you know what i mean they just want the next wave swap or whatever get this guy up rocky something where he just he's he's a guy who

he's rocky he's a guy

no he's like a guy who loves dogs he's got a dog rescue center or something right and um

he goes and sits in the wee kennel wear the dog we a traumatized dog and tries to

Get it to cheer the fuck up

and it's just him for an hour sitting there giving it we retreats and what you've learned is no matter how traumatized the dog is

like give it some treats and fucking give it a cuddle and it's fine

and um

yeah just make a show that make like a thousand episodes of that I think it's just like

my mum will be watching T V sometimes and then one of those adverts will come on where it's like an Eva Casday song with you

something like that and then that's not Eva Casdie that's not Eva Casday song I've ever heard heard as you know I'm a great fan you're big Eva fan this is like a fake this is a hypothetical Eva Casdi song but it's like plainful bluesy folk

longing

and then a black and white video of a dog with a tear in its eye will come up on the screen and it'll be like

will you give this dog five pounds a month and yeah my mom just is really

milking those old murders she wrote watching bitches

you hate humans how do you feel about beautiful dogs who've been abused yeah

So these kind of, yeah, my mum, I hate it.

They should just openly say, get back at your children by giving your money away.

Give your money to a dog.

Your daughter doesn't speak to you since she started on an open turf.

Give your money, some of it to J.K.

Rowland, and some of it to a dog in the street.

You cannot appreciate

the dog doesn't even get it.

Do you know what I mean?

It all goes to big dog.

It all goes into fees.

Them fucking driving about in their Ferraris down to the pound.

Yeah, you're quite right.

Yeah.

Those fucking dog charities.

Take that.

We don't really think this.

We have stated twice on the podcast and privately that donkey charities are overfunded.

Donkey charities are overfunded.

Tell you what else is overfunded?

RSPB.

What's that?

It's like the Royal Society for Protection of Birds.

And there's only so much you can do to

protect them.

They're up in the sky.

There's like only they've got absolutely hundreds of millions of pounds.

Like, and they're no really loads of things.

It's like everything in Britain is like

stuff that's kind of cash-rich, that has nothing to invest.

And

they're one of those.

And loads of really big charities are.

We can't re-upholster a cloud.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, the sky's the sky.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, what you should be doing is like politically trying to do things like let's put hedges back let's do mum but all that kind of stuff but nobody wants to be political

so the royal society

the royal society for the protection of hedges we get less money which should also be the royal society for revolution do you know what i mean

because if the birds are going to survive yeah we need to get rid of capitalism do you know what i mean whereas they're operating on the other side of the ledger they're like no no if birds are going to survive we need to hoard wealth and you're like no

what you need is a concrete plan for a theory of change and then a theory of state that the presumably maoist bird charity will institute

i think another good bookshop would be um

in Glasgow is there any of them really

i think even the person that asked this is now like this is fucking 18 bookshops.

Like, also one in Fort William.

Like, I'm not going to Fort William for a bookshop.

No one's going there that isn't getting fucking dragged up there by their heels.

And if you're in there, it's not like you've not noticed the fucking bookshops.

It'd be the one fucking thing in town that isn't a sports bar.

Well, Marissa, do you have any favourite bookshops that aren't in Scotland and the rest of the country?

Well, you can also go on bookshop.org

to get your books ready.

You can't do a painting like that.

You can't paint Britain's most beloved bookshop and then it's the URL.

Alright, they're painting it.

That's right.

I've totally forgotten this aspect of it.

You know, I think they should.

I think they should paint the internet.

Paint the internet, please.

I want an oil painting of

the home page for bookshop.org.

Alright, they're acts like I've totally misunderstood this.

So they've

been doing a painting though.

They're not

refurbing.

My not going town to town in a pair of overalls and I've been with a ladder.

There are pre-lunch episodes in there.

Thanks very much, Marissa.

That was a great question.

I think this island's got some cracking bookshops.

That place in Dublin we went to, sorry to continue.

That place in Dublin we went when I got that collection of like Shimatini poetry or something.

It was just absolutely...

The girl behind the counter was like, what are you doing today?

And I was like, ah, you know, I'm doing a show.

And she was like, well, the person who wrote this collection of short stories is doing a reading here so you might come at that and I was like wow what's that place called because it's beside that restaurant it's called like the winding staircase or something and like the Oscar Wilde used to eat there or something like that

and it's really great it's

like Dublin yeah yeah I can tell you how to get there like you walk near St Stephen's Green

you walk through town

along the river right so it's on the leffy like so you just that's a cracker yeah I've been in there yeah it's a different place, I think.

It's just on the right if you're heading

away from the docks.

So, my hotel was in the docks.

Orient yourself.

It sounded like you were in the docks for a different reason along the river when you're coming back from a successful.

No, you'd really struggle for rough trade in those docks these days, my friend.

It's a little bit commercialist.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Sorry to assume.

My understanding is a rough trade area.

It was a mistake in the hotel booking.

Just keep walking along the

river until you see this book shop.

You might call something like the wide staircase or something.

The receptionist.

You could go to the bookshop and then you could go to the restaurant, which is really nice.

Yeah, Dublin has some absolute crackers.

And I'll tell you,

Waterstones, people are, you know, it's very much the McDonald's of

bookshopity.

But

the one in Tottenham Court Road and the one between Euston and Soho is an absolute banger.

Certainly any any Watston's where I wasn't double charged for a cappuccino.

Was it the one in um

we've seen nothing

uh hi I've been listening to your podcast and it's an interesting but saddish time for me as I have to live away from Glasgow and everyone I love.

Basically, I have developed a parasocial relationship I guess and really enjoy hearing your voices now.

My question problem is: in a relationship, how do you get over the fact that for a period of their life they were in love with someone else?

I guess this is retroactive jealousy, which is rationally dumb, but is difficult nonetheless.

Or, in a wider aspect, how do we correct thinking that what we know is wrong but can't help but feel

so a guy,

so a guy.

You know,

I've never heard that woman go, man, how do they feel about a guy who loved someone else for a while?

That's very much a guy.

Yeah.

Almost so menacing.

I don't really want to answer that.

Well, it's like everything about it, that saddish time in my life.

Why are you having to let you have to live away?

Yeah.

What's going on there?

You're ostracized.

Look, how would you say, look, none of of your business.

Do you know what I mean?

What people are, you know, people fall in love, people fall out of love, people have relationships, they leave and go into new ones.

That's life.

And if you can't handle that, you're living in some kind of fairy story

reality.

As the guy from Future Islands once said, seasons change, but some people never do.

Not sure how that's relevant.

But

I think the point we're making is something the opposite of that.

But hats off to him.

Is this the guy from Futuralis who's saying this?

It's none of your business.

If you can't get over that, are you someone I would want to be in a relationship with?

Of course.

I just can't get over the fact that you dated someone three years ago.

Sorry, but I did not know you.

Perhaps.

Yeah,

you know, unfaithfulness is one thing, thing, but

I think you need to leave mysteries alone.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, if you see something, you're like, what's going on there?

You just kind of need to go, ugh,

you know, live with mystery.

I think increasingly people get people struggle more with the idea that things aren't their business.

Do you know what I mean?

And there's a certain kind of ownership you're taking of that person if you think their previous life is your business.

Yes, we don't like this person.

No, we don't.

This is a great one.

Sorry, maybe just delete that.

Don't delete it, Andy.

Well, this person's going to hear it, and then they're going to.

This isn't the type of person that you want to.

You've developed a parasocial relationship with.

It's only to be rejected.

And I think that's fine.

Your saddish

period has become

sadder.

Yeah.

Not quite sad.

Hi, Andy.

My name is Stuart.

I'm Marty Pello's digital director.

Marty heard the Edinburgh Live show and wanted to send a wee message into the guys.

Hi Susie, Frankie and Christopher.

I just wanted to send a wee note to say I love the Edinburgh Live podcast you put out.

I had a right good laugh at it.

You all played a blinder.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Love the pod.

Or the best, Marty.

And then a kiss.

Is that for real?

You guys are doing a great job loving everything you put out.

Cheers, Stuart.

Let's examine that.

Is Is that real?

Is it real?

How can we ever know?

Would Marty have a digital director?

Yes.

With his current gank, those videos Marty Pelo's putting out him in his room, he doesn't even

make them himself and upload them himself.

Somebody will say, Do you know what really fly for you?

A little peek into the Pelo life.

Well, I've noticed, as you know, I keep a

strong eye on Marty's.

You've got a google letter.

Yeah.

And he's been getting ice cream

from university cafe he got mac and cheese today he's been going around doing a food thing

the university cafe mac and cheese is absolutely brilliant um is it as strong as sloan's legendary macaroni cheese and chips that's for the courts to decide but for

just the technical point but it was ice cream from university cafe i'm not sure where he was getting the mac and cheese from the same place known for it yeah when we were doing dungeon dragons uh

rab asked me he went what's the food like in here and i went oh it's like macaroni and cheese And he thought I was being quite snide.

Like, oh, it's just stuff like macaroni and cheese.

But then once we got to the menus and he realized, oh, they're actually famous for the macaroni and cheese here, he realised what I meant was, no, it's macaroni and cheese.

Like, I was being respectful.

And I feel like he got to know me a wee bit better in that moment.

Thank you so much, Marpello, for checking out the live shows.

I hope we enjoy some of the recorded studio-based content we do as well

yeah definitely think he has a digital director and I think a lot of people who are

um

you know it's just part of the struggle of being a creator these days why not hand off the content creation aspect to someone else and then you

you fucking keep track of what matters you know keep tuning out I think it's as I've said to you before when we've discussed Marty Pello I think it's a big asset in show business to look like you'd be sun laugh at a house party.

Marti Pello would be a hoot.

I think one thing that's stopping my career on its tracks would be that everybody who meets me goes, I would not like to go to a house party with this person, he would ruin it.

He would criticise the takeaway choice when we got a pizza and he'd go, Oh, there's a better place down the road.

And if he hosted one, it'd be like the fucking Adams family.

Fucking mouse pouring out his wall.

a cousin who's just hair

um a sentient hand

this is another one hey guys love the pod and love all your own work out with particularly CMB's enjoying up home with Lee Withnell thank you very much

I've just walked in your signature caffeine hipster hotspot laboratory espresso and saw something you'd probably like to hear.

I'm absolutely sitting for

that was like when the Grinch's heart grew three sizes there, your eyes lit up like a

like a the sky on fireworks evening.

I went in to get an oat flat white, as is my wont, when a particularly fashionable West End type family caught my eye.

The mum drenched in mismatched orlikili, the moustache clad dad in head-to-toe dark denim, and their son looking like Stuart Murdoch from Belle and Sebastian, hat and all.

Yet what was so peculiar was that all three of them were drinking flat weights, even the son,

who couldn't have been older than eight.

My question to you is, do you think the parents are knowingly acting out some sort of middle-class generational genocide via a caffeine overdose?

Or do you think that they are just wanks?

Best wishes even.

What a roller coaster that was.

Wow.

They're certainly...

We were just at...

We were just at a coffee shop.

And

they're a thirsty bunch outside, aren't they?

They're really interested in everyone passing by and they really check you out.

Not the staff, the customer punters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It attracts a thirsty, restless eye.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it's a spot.

Maybe it's like a kind of

swingers cafe.

And that's why the staff are a bit fucking...

Hey,

maybe the toilet's being used as some kind of,

you know.

So

that swingers thing where you're hoping someone attractive is going to walk in.

Us coming in is like when a fucking dog runs on the pitch at football.

Get that thing the fuck out of here.

We've got stuff to do.

Yeah.

I know it seems like we're having a laugh here, but it's deadly serious.

I think you might be right, though.

I think that not that it's the swingers thing, but that it's a cool thing for Glasgow people.

I've got to liberate it.

Yes, but because Glasgow's so shit, you're like, well, that couldn't be cool to just sit and drink a cup.

But to them, that's a, oh, who's here?

Seeing me drinking this fan, yeah.

Having a coffee is cool, thank you.

Yeah, anywhere in the world, beside a stinking major B-road

across from a cash converter,

surrounded by grief.

Having a coffee's cool.

I'm not saying that as a coffee snub, I'm just saying when I go to London, you know, when I go to Dublin, when I go to Edinburgh, I like to have a wee coffee and hang about and you know wear a not I don't wear sunglasses but I would like to maybe in the future.

We start so much beef with like retailers in this place and it's only as well it's like only places that we always go and sort of have to go.

Like we couldn't not we couldn't go.

We couldn't not go.

There's no one else that's got as good coffee.

We nearly went next door to this office.

There's that dispressing machine in the premises here though.

We just need to learn how to use it.

Maybe we need to start bringing stuff in.

Yeah.

I grind mountain beans.

You know what I'm saying?

What do you think about children drinking coffee?

I mean, I was in Acosta.

How does this guy know it was coffee?

Unless he saw the order.

Is it hot chocolate?

Could be hot chocolate.

Is it perhaps a warm milk?

Are you familiar with the baby Chino?

The baby Chino?

As they say.

The baby Chino.

i remember the first time i came across the baby chino

uh i was in st andrews

and um it was an acosta and i was just getting into coffee might have been a pre-coffee christopher and that i was angling for a hot chocolate with my girlfriend at the time who i believe liked the coffee

and um

I remember being in the queue and the dad in front of me going, he'll have a baby Chino.

And the son was going, Dad, I want a baby Chino.

And I just thought, fuck, I just felt so

violently opposed to them.

But now I go,

fuck it.

What do you call it?

Because it's such a long word, anyway.

Baby Chino?

No, cappuccino is such a long word.

You don't want to stick another word in it.

You want to go like junior cappuccino.

Everybody's lost interest by the time you get to the end of the thing.

Yeah.

So it's got to be something.

I guess also like chino already means small.

Cappuino?

It sounds like a cup of piss.

Yeah.

It does.

Does chino not mean small though in the way that bambino means little baby?

Yeah.

So I think capuchin capuchin

I think is something to do with like a monkey or like a priest.

Are you saying capuchin monks?

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Yeah, so it's a little monk.

That's what they're saying, I think.

Listen, I'm not Italian, I do speak Italian.

So baby, tiny monk.

Baby monk.

Um

so I think it's hard to.

It's like I used to live with this Russian guy and he was called

his name was Ilya

and he would be called Ilushka.

And I was like, oh, he was calling Ilya, but he was calling you Ilushka and he was saying it's a diminutive.

Oh yeah, don't even start me.

This is fucking Tolstoy and Doskoevsky and all this stuff.

Alright.

They've all got fucking...

There's a thousand fucking characters and they've all got different names.

And you're like, who the fuck is...

is yeah who the fuck is

silly skin

fuck me

anyway I don't think there's any um

struggled with the Russian novel yeah I like the idea I like the idea of being into Russian novels

in practice in practice you need to keep a wee uh

I've been playing Elden Ring and when I play Elden Ring I keep a wee notebook and if I go yeah dungeon I'm not ready for uh I see a good treasure chest but I need a key if I don't have the key I'll write down my notebook.

I think maybe you'd have to do that for War in Peace or the brothers Karamazov or something can I just say I like I know it's not fashionable to lash out at War in Peace but you know f four hundred or so pages about uh

the masons could have gone

just saying right if anyone's doing an edit it's not like you're a pro-Mason or something it's just

we get the idea yeah

Ethan I appreciate your interest and support for my podcasting career.

But I don't know what you mean, really.

And I think

it's good.

I've completely forgotten the question.

I wish my mum and dad had maybe...

No, I don't.

I don't wish my mum and dad had made me drink coffee as a child.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think you've just been...

Ethan, I think your brain's just been distorted by the...

The field of grief and negativity that surrounds that place.

That's where it is.

You're like a little spaceship that's flown too close to jupiter and now you're getting pulled yeah do you know the film event horizon yes of course i know very well

i think i haven't seen it but i've read the wikipedia about nine times and i believe the synopsis said that it's uh they're trying to achieve light speed they're trying to like warp drive through space

and how they do that is they cut through hell

they take a shortcut through space by going in hell very briefly and they fuck up and they get stuck in hell and um

it's it's horrible for everybody.

Sam was that guy's name, Sam

Sam Neil?

Sam Neal, his eyes get ripped out, he rips his own eyes out or something to greater experience.

Spoilers for the 1997 film Event Horizon.

But to me that coffee shop's a wee bit like Event Horizon

and you've just

went past it at the wrong time and now your eyes are being ripped out by your own hands.

I think it's like a ki it's like a haunted circus, that place.

It's a bit like if you shouldn't state any desire while you're in laboratoires, Brestle.

Because if you went, I really hope

I get to see more of my mum next year, it would be that you die and your fucking

ashes are on your mum's mantelpiece or something like that.

Do you know what I mean?

We're going to get to spend more time with my mum.

I you do in an unsharing a grave.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

The second comparison to a haunted circus this

mail pack episode.

Second and not definitely the last.

Great stuff, huh?

Covered a lot of ground.

Thank you so much, Mari Pello.

Thank you so much, Marisa.

And no thanks to the other guy.

Ethan, thank you, Ethan.

And I don't even think this other guy

got one.

Is it just the zodiac symbol he sent it?

It was just a kind of smear of red on the A4 paper, which

it wasn't printed.

it was as if Bruce Randy uh

it's a it's a impenetrable cipher from a musodiac it's just like crossword but every square is filled with like a squiggle yeah quite interesting I'm trying to decode it tonight and

not be not be driven insane

hey how you doing British Randy here Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.