Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part One)

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor.

This is me and Frankie doing a tabletop role-playing game.

But not just us, there's Rab Florence, it's DM, that's Louise Stewart, and there is

my son.

Your progeny.

My progeny.

And we recorded this at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow.

The oldest pub in Glasgow with a fantastic macaroni and cheese.

And a certain amount of creaking will be inevitable.

It's quite an old pub.

One of the creakiest events I've ever taken part in.

It was like being in a kind of haunted chapel competition or something.

I personally creaked my way through it like a fucking ant.

But we hope you enjoy it.

Yeah,

thanks for listening and I hope you check this out.

Thank you very much.

Is everybody ready to play?

I can't wait to get into the theatre of the mind, bruh.

I was going to bring in all my maps and all my miniatures and all that, but I thought there's too much hassle.

I feel like you guys are incredible creators.

These are known

as incredible creators, and so we could probably go on.

Is there anything anybody anybody want you to ask anything or anything before we start?

I've just realised I haven't made a name up for my character.

You have a name?

I don't have a name.

Well, that would be a good first.

So just leave me to the end.

Right, well, why?

Why will we wait and you can introduce yourself in-game?

I'll introduce myself.

Thanks, thanks, thanks, X.

Do you know those things like when they have a serial killer has a mind palace where they put stuff to remember?

Imagine like our world was just like some serial killers, some guy just walks in, gets a phone number from under an ashtray and we just fucking dissolve.

Is that Frankie Boyle or your character?

I'm just discussing mind palaces, as I often do.

It's a strange thing, Dungeons and Dragons, and things like Dungeons and Dragons, because

there's kind of nothing else,

there's not much like it, is there, really, where people, where grown adults would sit around a table like this and kind of describe stuff to each other.

It's an odd thing.

A bit of pretend.

A bit of pretend.

Obviously, actors, people at Louise do it all the time.

All the time.

Twice

actors are kind of

insufferable people.

They are.

Arsouls.

Though, you know what I mean?

So the challenge here as well is not to become insufferable through this passing.

That's part of it.

Okay.

Let's begin.

Let's get our introduction started and we'll play some D.

The sun rises over the tiny village of Horsehair,

as it always has and always will.

Of that, at least you can be sure.

But more in question is whether Horsehair is truly a village at all.

You will find no village hall here, no church of any god.

You will find no weaponsmith, no constabulary and no leader.

A small number of pretty homes and farmsteads and a great many horses are all that the people of Horsehair want or need.

And of course the Horse Hair Village Pub.

It is this pub, an ancient stone construction without any signage but known by the locals as the sloping hoof that meets your sleepy gaze as the horse and cart you're travelling in comes over the hill into horsehair.

You've been invited to this place, all of you, and instructed in no uncertain terms to come alone.

You've travelled long and with strangers.

All of you awake to find that your destination is in sight.

I'd like to ask you all now to just introduce your characters, describe your characters, who you are.

Maybe a name, Louise,

could be good.

I'll think about it.

You know what?

You take it away.

Alright, my name is Shadabian Cat.

Should I describe him third person or first person?

You just listen, you just get however you want,

however you feel comfortable.

So this guy is called Quenril Milk Thistle.

Right.

Quenril.

Quenril, Quen for short.

You don't have to give him the full double barrel every time.

Quenril Milk Thistle is a halfling, halfling, so he's like a hobbit guy.

He was orphaned.

He grew up in a big city.

So he never really grew up in like the Shire.

He's like

a kind of inner city thug.

They thought he was the run of the letter.

Turned out he was a different species.

He's a wee guy.

He's kinda...

Halflands lived to like 150, so he's kind of past middle ages in his like mid-70s.

and he's a bit

he quit thievery for a while and now he's getting back into it.

And his armour

doesn't really fit him anymore.

It like digs into him, he's got a bit of a punch and his leather armour kinda digs into his ribs but he's still he's still got it because he grew up hard.

But then he quit to become a bartender for a while with his wife Rochine but now he's getting back into thievery and he's like three foot

and he's got he's quite wrinkly

and he's got a shaven head and he's dressed in black.

It's not a rough voice.

Honestly that's so much more specific than anything anyone else has done.

It's beautiful.

What is the age span?

So if you're a halfling, you live to like 150.

Right, okay.

So he's midlife?

Yeah, he's like, he's he's past, he's been past midlife.

Interesting.

That's nice.

But I don't know what the age span of that species is.

So they hit adulthood at like 20, I think.

And then this is a bit more.

Right, right.

But he's got a lot of tattoos.

He's a rough...

He's a ruffian.

Alright.

Thanks, Gwenville.

How are you doing?

He talks like that.

What does his wife think about going back into the business?

Well, we'll get to that.

Right, okay.

Pre-Rushing.

Pre-Rushing.

My daughter.

I'm a human paladin, or paladin in training, called Hammer, who has a very similar backstory to Chris.

Wow.

And being an orphan from the city.

But he's much younger.

We were in the same

orphanage.

Well, you're about like 50 years older than my character, so it'd be weird if we knew each other.

But

we're the curious thing

about that.

No.

Yeah.

He found some ancient sexualised graffiti he'd done on the ball

for a really long time.

It's a real moment.

It's like a foot high.

Quenrel was here.

His mum died in a famine and, you know, so very famine motivated

and then he got taken in by the local temple as a sort of temple of tear

and has been training to become a paladin.

But while doing so his brother was part of a sort of rebellion group and got arrested and he's sort of bitter at the people in power for taking his brother away.

So that's his motivations I guess.

And

yeah, sort of a tall

19 year old.

He's been sent on off to you know go on adventure a bit, get a bit of experience in the world by the temple.

That's kind of my whole thing.

Beautiful.

My name is Falbera.

And I.

Sorry when you spell that name.

F-A-L-D-E-R-A-L.

I am not an orphan, but my parents hated me.

I am a wizard.

My abilities vary from time to time.

I am a sage.

I have a chaotic neutral alignment.

And my personality traits include being gay, being cowardly, being paranoid, and being somewhat heartbroken, which we'll learn about as we go along, I suppose.

My ideals include friendship, sacrifice, and hope.

My bonds, and my son wrote all this out for me.

My bonds are

books, as I'm a fucking magician, and various gays and twinks.

My flaw is that I'm a sucker for a pretty face and I'm paranoid, gullible, and again, twinks,

and I become incredibly sexually aroused when drunk.

I want to say I've written that.

Well, you told me how to write this.

This was not me.

I speak a few languages and I'm looking for adventure and I'm looking to forget.

Yeah, I forgot to mention my guys in Okey.

Right, okay, okay, that's been.

I was actually thinking I was sleeping

tragic enough.

Sleep lightly, my friend.

I think I've dated every single one of these guys.

Right, on you go, Louise.

Right, so my guy is

primarily, he's a bard.

He trains as an actor, musician,

and is will be loosely based on several of my ex-boyfriends.

He comes from a quite a well-to-do family.

You know, he's got a wealthy sort of past, however, like so many others, his mum died tragically when he was young.

Temporally official.

Oh my god.

Is it just because we're like creatives and we're fantasising?

Query was your, are your parents still kicking a boot?

No, the orphanage took care of that.

Oh, that's right.

The orphanage?

Yeah.

His parents

It's a kind of profit-based organization.

More of a workhouse than an orphan, really.

Or a sex tracker.

Absolutely good.

Actor musician, mother died when he was young.

All of the periods, she used to sit and comb his hair

and sing to him.

And now, you know, my character has glorious hair.

He takes care of that hair.

It's beautiful.

It's like a sort of long, kind of shiny, mushroom-esque type

brunette, beautiful thing.

Is it a moment?

Based on Alex's.

So that's the idea.

He's gorgeous, but he knows it.

But actually, also deeply insecure because

his mother left him tragically.

So, because of that, he seeks the comfort of women.

He's got a woman in every port.

Do you have ports in this world?

There's ports.

Oh, there's ports, yeah.

So there's one man in every port.

He likes to, he likes to people watch.

He values the arts.

He values having a name.

His name is

Pedro Pastel.

Pedro.

Pedro Pastel.

Listen, the guy just wants to be loved.

And that is really

the crux of the matter.

I think the idea is if this show is a huge success and we get a reaction show that's like Freudian analysts.

Trying to analyse what this says about our lives.

I don't think you need the Freudian.

I don't think I need any idea.

Just rocks boxes.

We're a kind of a group of very sad people who can't particularly fight.

It's a really sad group.

It's a really deadly sound.

And I kind of feel like maybe I should have went a woman.

No, Joe, maybe one of you should have went a woman.

Yeah, good point.

I was thinking that there's no any woman characters in this.

Be fair, Susie's undisposed, come on, further adventures.

I was a woman, my last character was a woman, and it was fun.

Yeah, pass.

She had like, she was like a half-work barbarian princess, and she had, she spoke like Hermione Grange.

So it was quite funny that voice for her.

You did the voice.

Right, okay, so this invite that you've all received before you came here, it reads, Finally, your opportunity to bolster your reputation before the historic events ahead.

I have arranged your transport to the hoof and horse hair.

Question nothing and bring your hopeful heart and good humour.

Now the fellow driving this horse and cart is a man you know as old Jed.

Classic Jed.

And as the cart approaches the hoof, He says, Here you be now, travellers,

and all fares paid.

I understand you've had an invite, so it'll be Jacob Stone Shift you'll be looking for.

Fear not, because you can't miss him.

And he waits there in his carriage outside the pub.

We need to give him a tip.

Perhaps we should kill him.

Status, we need to know.

Yeah, that's true.

Nannies have met before, remember.

So

you've got a kind of awkwardness probably between you at the moment before.

I just assumed that introductory we were doing there.

No, but

you'll have learned a wee bit about each other, right?

But you've only got to quite conspire to kill anybody yet.

What's the lowest tip that could give you?

You know, you got a better money.

I'm happy to tap these this one time.

Oh, alright, fucking.

My character thinks you're a fucking cheap skates.

I'll give him what is an adequate tip in this one.

I think one gold piece.

I think if we give him one each.

I'll give him one each.

That's

a lot of, isn't it?

I would say four gold would be.

I would, I mean, it's not my business.

Has it been a smooth ride?

Has it been a pleasant ride?

It's a good question.

It has been a very pleasant ride.

You know, he's been telling stories and stuff like that.

He's been stopping overnight to let you sleep, which is not common.

Is he been spouting conspiracy theorists?

No.

He seemed like a really pleasant guy.

Come on, old Jed.

I think one gold each.

I'll give him one gold.

I'll give him one gold.

One gold.

I'm looking at that waving.

I like to, you know.

I want to keep as much money as possible.

I think just in an attempt to seem like a good person, Mike's also going to give one gold.

We'll do two gold.

I have a lot of wine and young men to purchase.

So old Jed leans and he takes he takes your tips.

He says, oh, thank you very much for this thing.

I do appreciate it.

Now, I have places to be, places to be.

Right, okay, you want to go, right?

Magic, message.

Now,

would you,

Pedro, like to make an insight check?

That's your wisdom.

For wisdom?

Yeah,

this might be a good point, just for a quick rules thing here.

You have proficiencies sometimes in things, right?

Yeah.

So keep an eye on whether you think a proficiency will apply.

That means you get to add your proficiency bonus, right?

Right.

Well, I've got 10 wisdom.

Which are modifier then, I think.

But it was a bit of a win.

Yeah, modifier.

Right, okay.

So make a roll.

12.

So something has struck me a wee bit about old Jed is that despite despite his age, he does have very youthful eyes.

What age do I think old Jed is?

Well old Jed has told you that he's in his 60s but he just looks...

It's not that old, is it?

How long has he been called old Jed?

Believe you me it's pretty old.

In this world?

It's pretty old.

Yeah.

He's a different race.

He's

like three foot tall.

Does he look.

Does old Jed look older?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And here you're pretty wrinkly as well.

It's pretty a hard shift, old Jed.

But

you've just sensed that about him.

There's a sparkle in his eyes.

It's maybe the reason why you found him quite endearing.

Maybe he's in love.

Maybe.

Can I just say

I could cast sleep

on him so that he falls asleep.

We would.

And we just go and rummage about him and see what's going on there.

Why does he look so young?

You suggested a shenanigans.

Check his body.

I don't know, Fal.

Come on.

This is the sixth time we've tried Chris Lee Police.

Why don't you put his clothes on?

You'll be able to age him more perfectly.

Well, can I can I not can I ask Jed Jeds?

Oh Jeds, you look so good, Jeds.

What's the secret?

What's your secret?

Oh, thank you very much.

It's uh stories is my secret, telling stories.

Now I do have places to be.

Are you so still in the cart?

This bones well for getting through this adventure.

Let's jump in a pump.

Right, maybe we should get out.

Yeah, the cart.

We're not getting it.

Who's getting out first?

I'll get out.

There's booze.

There's booze over there.

What's the weather like here?

It's a beautiful.

It's a beautiful.

It's a beautiful day.

Horsehead is just one of these idyllic wee villages, you know, as there's a view of the water and stuff.

It's a beautiful place and it's a beautiful day.

It just

feels like you're going to have a really pleasant three or four hours with the incident, really.

So you're heading out to the pub?

Yes.

Yes, please.

The horsehair pub is deathly quiet inside.

You've all visited small village pubs before, but never have they been quite as dead as this.

It's a warm, cozy space with horse hair blankets flung over every seat.

The fire rages in the hearth.

The barmaid, a young blonde woman, watches you all nervously, her eyes drawn to your whems.

A man sits by the bar, a hulking figure.

His long black hair hides his face.

You notice that he has a hammer on his belt and on his back a large slab of stone.

Jesus.

Someone's baked me.

Can I go up and talk to him and ask him what he knows about the greatness of Tia?

My sort of religious god, I follow.

Shall we get him a drink first?

I want to talk to the barmaids.

So you're going to talk to the barmaid, you're going to talk to this guy.

I'm going to put her at ease.

Specifically about Tia?

I want to know what he thinks about him.

I'm going to get around then.

Okay.

I'll have a thimble full of scrampie.

So

you're heading with these two kind of up to the bar

to speak to the barmaid, although she's going to be busy and she has to get drinks.

She, you notice that she's kind of unclean looking.

It's the kind of thing you would notice, kind of unclean.

She's kinda itching a wee bit.

She seems nervous.

She seems nervous.

I think that you should make a wee insight check.

Make a wee wisdom though.

Just roll your D20.

18.

Whoa.

You can see that she's constantly flicking her eyes to the door of the pub as if she's watching for something coming in or as if she desperately wants to get out.

Yes.

Can I get some drinks for people?

Yeah.

I've just, why are we here again?

You want to flirt, I think.

Yeah, yeah, but I've just kind of like, is this where we're meeting the guy?

Yeah.

This is where you get invited.

And old Jake has told you you're looking for a Jacob Stonechaft.

But his name is Stone Shaft.

And he looks like he's shuffling stones, to be fair.

Does someone want to keep an eye on the door if she's looking shadowily at the door?

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

I'll be this three-foot tall pouncer.

Alright,

I'm just going to ask her, how's your day been?

I'm going to do this with my hair.

And then I'm going to ask her how it is being.

I just want to get drinks, please.

Who who would like um

well?

Wine.

Guess there's no getting touched.

Right, so

she's dealing with the drinks.

You're coming out of this guy.

Ah yeah.

So the guy as you approach looks tired.

He looks very, very weary.

This does not discourage me.

I'm gonna go in there and

what do you think of Tyr?

What's your opinions?

Do you know how great he is?

I'm really into this, my guy.

Do you have your invite?

Alright.

You pass that invite to him.

He takes a look.

Okay.

You met old Jed out there.

Yeah, I gave him a wee tip.

Okay, it was his suggestion that I invite you to this place.

My name is Jacob Stoneshift.

You're a paladin, yes?

Yeah.

I can see.

Um,

I don't know how much your abilities will help you here,

I'm afraid.

Have you noticed how quiet the town is?

Yeah, what's going on?

Our population in this town has always been small.

We have a very nervous bar mit.

But only...

only one week ago we had a population of

we had a population of 97

in our little village and now we are down to 32.

Since our uh

traveling dungeon came to town.

A what?

I'd like to show you this.

Did you say a travelling dungeon?

There's a stack of flyers, stack of paper flyers on the bar.

He reaches for them, takes them, and he passes one out to each of you.

And it says on this flyer, the wonderful and magical travelling dungeon of Memoria Memire, it says.

You must experience the travelling dungeon, it reads.

It has travelled through space and time to entertain you.

Dare you face the challenge?

Simply open the door.

That's what it says.

All of these things fell from the sky one week ago.

And many people have opened the door and gone in.

And none of them have returned.

So,

I thank all of you for coming and resolving this situation for us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I never agreed to this.

I mean, you accepted the invite.

That's in a fucking

void dungeon?

It's only been a week.

They're probably back.

They might come back!

I don't know.

Why have you not went in?

Well, in a sense, I think I am in.

I apologise to you if you are unwilling to

unwillingly.

To maybe be convinced.

Can we, um, can you bring the drinks, please?

This is this is Alice.

She is our

barmaid and the last member of staff here in the Hoove.

So the girl kind of nervously comes out with the drinks.

You see her hands are shaking and she's carrying them earlier.

That's that sound you heard earlier.

That's the glasses rattling.

She hands out the drinks to everybody.

She's very, very nervous.

Her eyes are kind of shifting everywhere.

She's looking at Jacob.

She's looking at all of you.

She's looking at your weapons.

She's looking at the door.

She keeps looking at the door.

So my friends,

I think you should embark as soon as you have had your drinks and

perhaps you can bring my people back.

Perhaps you can close that dungeon down.

And perhaps you will just find something else that you're looking for.

Will you pay us?

Yeah.

I mean we

can pay.

Aless, what do we have?

Find whatever we have.

So Aless kind of nervously goes around to the back and you hear her clattering about, looking for coin, looking for some kind of payment for you.

She's clattering around there.

I would accept a night of love on our return.

But

the blacksmith, not the blacksmith, the stone shifts.

Huge man.

Oh, yeah.

What do you say to that?

Well,

I'm just impressed by the good humour

for

for people who are in such a terrible situation.

How did I end up with these people?

My guy's right up for this.

He feels this is what he's destined to do.

This is his mission.

So he's writing down these things.

I can see the hope in your face.

That's a wonderful thing.

It makes me.

Why is the barmaid so nervous?

Yeah, what's going on with you, love?

Why are you looking at the door all the time?

So I want to ask Jacob:

why is the barmaid so nervous?

Well, um.

Why don't you leave?

What?

I feel that door will take us right into the dungeon.

Are we in the traveling dungeon?

Are we in the traveling dungeon?

First of all, before we leave, I want to work out whether someone agreeing to sleep with me to save the village counts as consent.

If you return.

I'm not healing this guy.

I don't think anyone's going to be able to do that.

What was your name at first?

Falderal.

Falderal, if you return,

you may have anything your heart desires.

That's good enough for me.

Thank you for listening to the very first episode of Here Comes the Guillotine, the Dungeons and Dragons Special with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louise Stewart, Rav Florence, and Frankie's son Thor.

This episode was recorded at Sloane's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Logue, and the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

Tune in next week for the second episode of Here Comes the Guillotine, the Dungeons and Dragons special to find out how the gang are dealing with Jacob Stone Shift's quest.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.