Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part One)

Speaker 1 Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes. It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Speaker 4 This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Speaker 5 Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor.

Speaker 3 This is me and Frankie doing a tabletop role-playing game.

Speaker 5 But not just us, there's Rab Florence, it's DM, that's Louise Stewart, and there is

Speaker 3 my son.

Speaker 8 Your progeny.

Speaker 5 My progeny.

Speaker 5 And we recorded this at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow.

Speaker 6 The oldest pub in Glasgow with a fantastic macaroni and cheese.

Speaker 7 And a certain amount of creaking will be inevitable. It's quite an old pub.

Speaker 6 One of the creakiest events I've ever taken part in. It was like being in a kind of haunted chapel competition or something.

Speaker 7 I personally creaked my way through it like a fucking ant.

Speaker 7 But we hope you enjoy it.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 6 thanks for listening and I hope you check this out.

Speaker 3 Thank you very much.

Speaker 12 Is everybody ready to play?

Speaker 14 I can't wait to get into the theatre of the mind, bruh.

Speaker 16 I was going to bring in all my maps and all my miniatures and all that, but I thought there's too much hassle.

Speaker 18 I feel like you guys are incredible creators. These are known

Speaker 20 as incredible creators, and so we could probably go on.

Speaker 23 Is there anything anybody anybody want you to ask anything or anything before we start?

Speaker 24 I've just realised I haven't made a name up for my character.

Speaker 15 You have a name? I don't have a name.

Speaker 19 Well, that would be a good first.

Speaker 15 So just leave me to the end. Right, well, why?

Speaker 25 Why will we wait and you can introduce yourself in-game?

Speaker 14 I'll introduce myself.

Speaker 26 Thanks, thanks, thanks, X.

Speaker 5 Do you know those things like when they have a serial killer has a mind palace where they put stuff to remember?

Speaker 5 Imagine like our world was just like some serial killers, some guy just walks in, gets a phone number from under an ashtray and we just fucking dissolve.

Speaker 19 Is that Frankie Boyle or your character?

Speaker 5 I'm just discussing mind palaces, as I often do.

Speaker 8 It's a strange thing, Dungeons and Dragons, and things like Dungeons and Dragons, because

Speaker 28 there's kind of nothing else,

Speaker 28 there's not much like it, is there, really, where people, where grown adults would sit around a table like this and kind of describe stuff to each other.

Speaker 18 It's an odd thing.

Speaker 14 A bit of pretend.

Speaker 23 A bit of pretend.

Speaker 28 Obviously, actors, people at Louise do it all the time.

Speaker 27 All the time. Twice

Speaker 29 actors are kind of

Speaker 19 insufferable people. They are.

Speaker 13 Arsouls. Though, you know what I mean?

Speaker 22 So the challenge here as well is not to become insufferable through this passing.

Speaker 10 That's part of it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's begin.

Speaker 23 Let's get our introduction started and we'll play some D.

Speaker 12 The sun rises over the tiny village of Horsehair,

Speaker 16 as it always has and always will.

Speaker 18 Of that, at least you can be sure.

Speaker 32 But more in question is whether Horsehair is truly a village at all.

Speaker 20 You will find no village hall here, no church of any god.

Speaker 18 You will find no weaponsmith, no constabulary and no leader.

Speaker 28 A small number of pretty homes and farmsteads and a great many horses are all that the people of Horsehair want or need.

Speaker 19 And of course the Horse Hair Village Pub.

Speaker 34 It is this pub, an ancient stone construction without any signage but known by the locals as the sloping hoof that meets your sleepy gaze as the horse and cart you're travelling in comes over the hill into horsehair.

Speaker 32 You've been invited to this place, all of you, and instructed in no uncertain terms to come alone.

Speaker 32 You've travelled long and with strangers.

Speaker 18 All of you awake to find that your destination is in sight.

Speaker 33 I'd like to ask you all now to just introduce your characters, describe your characters, who you are.

Speaker 17 Maybe a name, Louise,

Speaker 1 could be good.

Speaker 24 I'll think about it.

Speaker 3 You know what?

Speaker 25 You take it away.

Speaker 14 Alright, my name is Shadabian Cat. Should I describe him third person or first person?

Speaker 20 You just listen, you just get however you want,

Speaker 12 however you feel comfortable.

Speaker 14 So this guy is called Quenril Milk Thistle.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 22 Quenril.

Speaker 14 Quenril, Quen for short.

Speaker 14 You don't have to give him the full double barrel every time. Quenril Milk Thistle is a halfling, halfling, so he's like a hobbit guy.

Speaker 35 He was orphaned.

Speaker 14 He grew up in a big city. So he never really grew up in like the Shire.
He's like

Speaker 14 a kind of inner city thug. They thought he was the run of the letter.
Turned out he was a different species.

Speaker 14 He's a wee guy. He's kinda...

Speaker 14 Halflands lived to like 150, so he's kind of past middle ages in his like mid-70s.

Speaker 14 and he's a bit

Speaker 14 he quit thievery for a while and now he's getting back into it.

Speaker 31 And his armour

Speaker 14 doesn't really fit him anymore. It like digs into him, he's got a bit of a punch and his leather armour kinda digs into his ribs but he's still he's still got it because he grew up hard.

Speaker 14 But then he quit to become a bartender for a while with his wife Rochine but now he's getting back into thievery and he's like three foot

Speaker 14 and he's got he's quite wrinkly

Speaker 14 and he's got a shaven head and he's dressed in black.

Speaker 15 It's not a rough voice.

Speaker 37 Honestly that's so much more specific than anything anyone else has done.

Speaker 19 It's beautiful.

Speaker 24 What is the age span?

Speaker 14 So if you're a halfling, you live to like 150.

Speaker 24 Right, okay. So he's midlife?

Speaker 15 Yeah, he's like, he's he's past, he's been past midlife.

Speaker 11 Interesting. That's nice.

Speaker 24 But I don't know what the age span of that species is.

Speaker 26 So they hit adulthood at like 20, I think.

Speaker 14 And then this is a bit more.

Speaker 26 Right, right.

Speaker 14 But he's got a lot of tattoos. He's a rough...
He's a ruffian.

Speaker 19 Alright.

Speaker 38 Thanks, Gwenville.

Speaker 25 How are you doing?

Speaker 24 He talks like that. What does his wife think about going back into the business?

Speaker 9 Well, we'll get to that.

Speaker 26 Right, okay.

Speaker 24 Pre-Rushing.

Speaker 15 Pre-Rushing.

Speaker 15 My daughter.

Speaker 37 I'm a human paladin, or paladin in training, called Hammer, who has a very similar backstory to Chris.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 15 And being an orphan from the city.

Speaker 37 But he's much younger. We were in the same

Speaker 26 orphanage.

Speaker 37 Well, you're about like 50 years older than my character, so it'd be weird if we knew each other.

Speaker 15 But

Speaker 15 we're the curious thing

Speaker 15 about that.

Speaker 15 No.

Speaker 5 Yeah. He found some ancient sexualised graffiti he'd done on the ball

Speaker 37 for a really long time.

Speaker 15 It's a real moment. It's like a foot high.

Speaker 15 Quenrel was here.

Speaker 37 His mum died in a famine and, you know, so very famine motivated

Speaker 37 and then he got taken in by the local temple as a sort of temple of tear

Speaker 37 and has been training to become a paladin.

Speaker 10 But while doing so his brother was part of a sort of rebellion group and got arrested and he's sort of bitter at the people in power for taking his brother away.

Speaker 37 So that's his motivations I guess. And

Speaker 37 yeah, sort of a tall

Speaker 37 19 year old. He's been sent on off to you know go on adventure a bit, get a bit of experience in the world by the temple.

Speaker 5 That's kind of my whole thing.

Speaker 29 Beautiful.

Speaker 5 My name is Falbera.

Speaker 3 And I.

Speaker 19 Sorry when you spell that name.

Speaker 36 F-A-L-D-E-R-A-L.

Speaker 5 I am not an orphan, but my parents hated me.

Speaker 5 I am a wizard. My abilities vary from time to time.

Speaker 5 I am a sage.

Speaker 5 I have a chaotic neutral alignment.

Speaker 5 And my personality traits include being gay, being cowardly, being paranoid, and being somewhat heartbroken, which we'll learn about as we go along, I suppose.

Speaker 5 My ideals include friendship, sacrifice, and hope.

Speaker 5 My bonds, and my son wrote all this out for me.

Speaker 15 My bonds are

Speaker 5 books, as I'm a fucking magician, and various gays and twinks.

Speaker 5 My flaw is that I'm a sucker for a pretty face and I'm paranoid, gullible, and again, twinks,

Speaker 5 and I become incredibly sexually aroused when drunk.

Speaker 15 I want to say I've written that. Well, you told me how to write this.

Speaker 20 This was not me.

Speaker 5 I speak a few languages and I'm looking for adventure and I'm looking to forget.

Speaker 14 Yeah, I forgot to mention my guys in Okey.

Speaker 18 Right, okay, okay, that's been.

Speaker 15 I was actually thinking I was sleeping

Speaker 15 tragic enough.

Speaker 25 Sleep lightly, my friend.

Speaker 24 I think I've dated every single one of these guys.

Speaker 15 Right, on you go, Louise.

Speaker 24 Right, so my guy is

Speaker 24 primarily, he's a bard.

Speaker 24 He trains as an actor, musician,

Speaker 24 and is will be loosely based on several of my ex-boyfriends.

Speaker 24 He comes from a quite a well-to-do family.

Speaker 24 You know, he's got a wealthy sort of past, however, like so many others, his mum died tragically when he was young.

Speaker 15 Temporally official. Oh my god.

Speaker 5 Is it just because we're like creatives and we're fantasising?

Speaker 22 Query was your, are your parents still kicking a boot?

Speaker 37 No, the orphanage took care of that. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 26 The orphanage?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 9 His parents

Speaker 26 It's a kind of profit-based organization.

Speaker 26 More of a workhouse than an orphan, really.

Speaker 5 Or a sex tracker.

Speaker 15 Absolutely good.

Speaker 24 Actor musician, mother died when he was young. All of the periods, she used to sit and comb his hair

Speaker 24 and sing to him.

Speaker 24 And now, you know, my character has glorious hair. He takes care of that hair.
It's beautiful. It's like a sort of long, kind of shiny, mushroom-esque type

Speaker 38 brunette, beautiful thing.

Speaker 26 Is it a moment?

Speaker 30 Based on Alex's.

Speaker 24 So that's the idea. He's gorgeous, but he knows it.

Speaker 24 But actually, also deeply insecure because

Speaker 24 his mother left him tragically.

Speaker 24 So, because of that, he seeks the comfort of women.

Speaker 24 He's got a woman in every port.

Speaker 15 Do you have ports in this world? There's ports.

Speaker 24 Oh, there's ports, yeah. So there's one man in every port.
He likes to, he likes to people watch. He values the arts.

Speaker 15 He values having a name.

Speaker 24 His name is

Speaker 24 Pedro Pastel.

Speaker 15 Pedro.

Speaker 24 Pedro Pastel. Listen, the guy just wants to be loved.

Speaker 24 And that is really

Speaker 24 the crux of the matter.

Speaker 5 I think the idea is if this show is a huge success and we get a reaction show that's like Freudian analysts.

Speaker 37 Trying to analyse what this says about our lives.

Speaker 14 I don't think you need the Freudian.

Speaker 15 I don't think I need any idea.

Speaker 15 Just rocks boxes.

Speaker 5 We're a kind of a group of very sad people who can't particularly fight.

Speaker 20 It's a really sad group.

Speaker 3 It's a really deadly sound.

Speaker 24 And I kind of feel like maybe I should have went a woman. No, Joe, maybe one of you should have went a woman.

Speaker 19 Yeah, good point.

Speaker 13 I was thinking that there's no any woman characters in this.

Speaker 5 Be fair, Susie's undisposed, come on, further adventures.

Speaker 14 I was a woman, my last character was a woman, and it was fun.

Speaker 24 Yeah, pass.

Speaker 14 She had like, she was like a half-work barbarian princess, and she had, she spoke like Hermione Grange.

Speaker 14 So it was quite funny that voice for her.

Speaker 25 You did the voice.

Speaker 21 Right, okay, so this invite that you've all received before you came here, it reads, Finally, your opportunity to bolster your reputation before the historic events ahead.

Speaker 18 I have arranged your transport to the hoof and horse hair.

Speaker 32 Question nothing and bring your hopeful heart and good humour.

Speaker 16 Now the fellow driving this horse and cart is a man you know as old Jed.

Speaker 22 Classic Jed.

Speaker 11 And as the cart approaches the hoof, He says, Here you be now, travellers,

Speaker 30 and all fares paid.

Speaker 29 I understand you've had an invite, so it'll be Jacob Stone Shift you'll be looking for. Fear not, because you can't miss him.

Speaker 10 And he waits there in his carriage outside the pub.

Speaker 24 We need to give him a tip.

Speaker 10 Perhaps we should kill him.

Speaker 35 Status, we need to know.

Speaker 33 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 13 Nannies have met before, remember. So

Speaker 28 you've got a kind of awkwardness probably between you at the moment before.

Speaker 24 I just assumed that introductory we were doing there. No, but

Speaker 33 you'll have learned a wee bit about each other, right?

Speaker 12 But you've only got to quite conspire to kill anybody yet.

Speaker 10 What's the lowest tip that could give you?

Speaker 38 You know, you got a better money.

Speaker 24 I'm happy to tap these this one time.

Speaker 3 Oh, alright, fucking.

Speaker 24 My character thinks you're a fucking cheap skates.

Speaker 24 I'll give him what is an adequate tip in this one.

Speaker 27 I think one gold piece.

Speaker 12 I think if we give him one each.

Speaker 15 I'll give him one each.

Speaker 10 That's

Speaker 15 a lot of, isn't it?

Speaker 19 I would say four gold would be.

Speaker 16 I would, I mean, it's not my business.

Speaker 15 Has it been a smooth ride?

Speaker 24 Has it been a pleasant ride? It's a good question.

Speaker 22 It has been a very pleasant ride.

Speaker 18 You know, he's been telling stories and stuff like that. He's been stopping overnight to let you sleep, which is not common.

Speaker 35 Is he been spouting conspiracy theorists?

Speaker 15 No.

Speaker 21 He seemed like a really pleasant guy.

Speaker 27 Come on, old Jed.

Speaker 25 I think one gold each.

Speaker 15 I'll give him one gold. I'll give him one gold.

Speaker 24 One gold. I'm looking at that waving.
I like to, you know.

Speaker 38 I want to keep as much money as possible.

Speaker 37 I think just in an attempt to seem like a good person, Mike's also going to give one gold. We'll do two gold.

Speaker 27 I have a lot of wine and young men to purchase.

Speaker 33 So old Jed leans and he takes he takes your tips.

Speaker 30 He says, oh, thank you very much for this thing.

Speaker 29 I do appreciate it. Now, I have places to be, places to be.

Speaker 19 Right, okay, you want to go, right?

Speaker 19 Magic, message.

Speaker 22 Now,

Speaker 21 would you,

Speaker 20 Pedro, like to make an insight check?

Speaker 34 That's your wisdom.

Speaker 24 For wisdom?

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 18 this might be a good point, just for a quick rules thing here.

Speaker 23 You have proficiencies sometimes in things, right?

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 8 So keep an eye on whether you think a proficiency will apply.

Speaker 13 That means you get to add your proficiency bonus, right?

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 24 Well, I've got 10 wisdom.

Speaker 16 Which are modifier then, I think.

Speaker 25 But it was a bit of a win.

Speaker 2 Yeah, modifier. Right, okay.
So make a roll.

Speaker 2 12.

Speaker 28 So something has struck me a wee bit about old Jed is that despite despite his age, he does have very youthful eyes.

Speaker 24 What age do I think old Jed is?

Speaker 18 Well old Jed has told you that he's in his 60s but he just looks...

Speaker 11 It's not that old, is it?

Speaker 24 How long has he been called old Jed?

Speaker 17 Believe you me it's pretty old.

Speaker 11 In this world?

Speaker 10 It's pretty old. Yeah.
He's a different race. He's

Speaker 19 like three foot tall.

Speaker 26 Does he look.

Speaker 24 Does old Jed look older?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 24 And here you're pretty wrinkly as well.

Speaker 26 It's pretty a hard shift, old Jed.

Speaker 23 But

Speaker 23 you've just sensed that about him.

Speaker 12 There's a sparkle in his eyes.

Speaker 8 It's maybe the reason why you found him quite endearing.

Speaker 24 Maybe he's in love.

Speaker 20 Maybe.

Speaker 5 Can I just say

Speaker 5 I could cast sleep

Speaker 5 on him so that he falls asleep.

Speaker 15 We would.

Speaker 5 And we just go and rummage about him and see what's going on there.

Speaker 19 Why does he look so young?

Speaker 24 You suggested a shenanigans.

Speaker 15 Check his body.

Speaker 15 I don't know, Fal.

Speaker 35 Come on. This is the sixth time we've tried Chris Lee Police.

Speaker 15 Why don't you put his clothes on?

Speaker 15 You'll be able to age him more perfectly.

Speaker 24 Well, can I can I not can I ask Jed Jeds? Oh Jeds, you look so good, Jeds. What's the secret? What's your secret?

Speaker 29 Oh, thank you very much. It's uh stories is my secret, telling stories.

Speaker 26 Now I do have places to be.

Speaker 25 Are you so still in the cart?

Speaker 15 This bones well for getting through this adventure.

Speaker 15 Let's jump in a pump.

Speaker 24 Right, maybe we should get out.

Speaker 26 Yeah, the cart.

Speaker 26 We're not getting it.

Speaker 24 Who's getting out first?

Speaker 3 I'll get out.

Speaker 19 There's booze.

Speaker 15 There's booze over there.

Speaker 24 What's the weather like here?

Speaker 15 It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful.

Speaker 15 It's a beautiful day.

Speaker 12 Horsehead is just one of these idyllic wee villages, you know, as there's a view of the water and stuff.

Speaker 18 It's a beautiful place and it's a beautiful day.

Speaker 17 It just

Speaker 25 feels like you're going to have a really pleasant three or four hours with the incident, really.

Speaker 33 So you're heading out to the pub?

Speaker 24 Yes. Yes, please.

Speaker 33 The horsehair pub is deathly quiet inside.

Speaker 10 You've all visited small village pubs before, but never have they been quite as dead as this.

Speaker 16 It's a warm, cozy space with horse hair blankets flung over every seat.

Speaker 20 The fire rages in the hearth.

Speaker 16 The barmaid, a young blonde woman, watches you all nervously, her eyes drawn to your whems.

Speaker 22 A man sits by the bar, a hulking figure.

Speaker 18 His long black hair hides his face.

Speaker 10 You notice that he has a hammer on his belt and on his back a large slab of stone.

Speaker 15 Jesus.

Speaker 38 Someone's baked me.

Speaker 37 Can I go up and talk to him and ask him what he knows about the greatness of Tia?

Speaker 37 My sort of religious god, I follow.

Speaker 10 Shall we get him a drink first?

Speaker 24 I want to talk to the barmaids.

Speaker 25 So you're going to talk to the barmaid, you're going to talk to this guy. I'm going to put her at ease.

Speaker 21 Specifically about Tia?

Speaker 37 I want to know what he thinks about him.

Speaker 19 I'm going to get around then.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 38 I'll have a thimble full of scrampie.

Speaker 15 So

Speaker 12 you're heading with these two kind of up to the bar

Speaker 13 to speak to the barmaid, although she's going to be busy and she has to get drinks.

Speaker 21 She, you notice that she's kind of unclean looking.

Speaker 18 It's the kind of thing you would notice, kind of unclean.

Speaker 32 She's kinda itching a wee bit. She seems nervous.

Speaker 32 She seems nervous.

Speaker 32 I think that you should make a wee insight check.

Speaker 10 Make a wee wisdom though.

Speaker 18 Just roll your D20.

Speaker 19 18.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 33 You can see that she's constantly flicking her eyes to the door of the pub as if she's watching for something coming in or as if she desperately wants to get out.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 11 Can I get some drinks for people?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 15 I've just, why are we here again?

Speaker 36 You want to flirt, I think.

Speaker 24 Yeah, yeah, but I've just kind of like, is this where we're meeting the guy?

Speaker 25 Yeah. This is where you get invited.

Speaker 20 And old Jake has told you you're looking for a Jacob Stonechaft.

Speaker 24 But his name is Stone Shaft.

Speaker 24 And he looks like he's shuffling stones, to be fair.

Speaker 5 Does someone want to keep an eye on the door if she's looking shadowily at the door?

Speaker 15 Oh, come on.

Speaker 38 Yeah. I'll be this three-foot tall pouncer.

Speaker 15 Alright,

Speaker 24 I'm just going to ask her, how's your day been? I'm going to do this with my hair.

Speaker 24 And then I'm going to ask her how it is being.

Speaker 32 I just want to get drinks, please. Who who would like um

Speaker 17 well?

Speaker 24 Wine. Guess there's no getting touched.

Speaker 23 Right, so

Speaker 23 she's dealing with the drinks.

Speaker 20 You're coming out of this guy.

Speaker 18 Ah yeah.

Speaker 33 So the guy as you approach looks tired.

Speaker 10 He looks very, very weary.

Speaker 37 This does not discourage me. I'm gonna go in there and

Speaker 2 what do you think of Tyr?

Speaker 10 What's your opinions?

Speaker 20 Do you know how great he is?

Speaker 37 I'm really into this, my guy.

Speaker 29 Do you have your invite?

Speaker 19 Alright.

Speaker 16 You pass that invite to him.

Speaker 34 He takes a look.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 29 You met old Jed out there.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I gave him a wee tip.

Speaker 29 Okay, it was his suggestion that I invite you to this place.

Speaker 29 My name is Jacob Stoneshift.

Speaker 10 You're a paladin, yes? Yeah.

Speaker 11 I can see.

Speaker 15 Um,

Speaker 29 I don't know how much your abilities will help you here,

Speaker 29 I'm afraid. Have you noticed how quiet the town is?

Speaker 38 Yeah, what's going on?

Speaker 29 Our population in this town has always been small.

Speaker 29 We have a very nervous bar mit.

Speaker 15 But only...

Speaker 29 only one week ago we had a population of

Speaker 29 we had a population of 97

Speaker 29 in our little village and now we are down to 32.

Speaker 29 Since our uh

Speaker 29 traveling dungeon came to town.

Speaker 32 A what?

Speaker 29 I'd like to show you this.

Speaker 24 Did you say a travelling dungeon?

Speaker 21 There's a stack of flyers, stack of paper flyers on the bar.

Speaker 23 He reaches for them, takes them, and he passes one out to each of you.

Speaker 18 And it says on this flyer, the wonderful and magical travelling dungeon of Memoria Memire, it says.

Speaker 21 You must experience the travelling dungeon, it reads. It has travelled through space and time to entertain you.
Dare you face the challenge? Simply open the door.

Speaker 10 That's what it says.

Speaker 29 All of these things fell from the sky one week ago.

Speaker 29 And many people have opened the door and gone in.

Speaker 29 And none of them have returned.

Speaker 19 So,

Speaker 29 I thank all of you for coming and resolving this situation for us.

Speaker 35 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 15 I never agreed to this.

Speaker 29 I mean, you accepted the invite.

Speaker 15 That's in a fucking

Speaker 24 void dungeon?

Speaker 10 It's only been a week.

Speaker 15 They're probably back. They might come back!

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 24 Why have you not went in?

Speaker 29 Well, in a sense, I think I am in.

Speaker 29 I apologise to you if you are unwilling to

Speaker 11 unwillingly. To maybe be convinced.

Speaker 29 Can we, um, can you bring the drinks, please? This is this is Alice. She is our

Speaker 29 barmaid and the last member of staff here in the Hoove.

Speaker 18 So the girl kind of nervously comes out with the drinks.

Speaker 16 You see her hands are shaking and she's carrying them earlier.

Speaker 17 That's that sound you heard earlier.

Speaker 18 That's the glasses rattling. She hands out the drinks to everybody.

Speaker 18 She's very, very nervous. Her eyes are kind of shifting everywhere.

Speaker 19 She's looking at Jacob. She's looking at all of you.
She's looking at your weapons.

Speaker 34 She's looking at the door.

Speaker 2 She keeps looking at the door.

Speaker 29 So my friends,

Speaker 29 I think you should embark as soon as you have had your drinks and

Speaker 29 perhaps you can bring my people back. Perhaps you can close that dungeon down.
And perhaps you will just find something else that you're looking for.

Speaker 10 Will you pay us?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 I mean we

Speaker 10 can pay.

Speaker 21 Aless, what do we have?

Speaker 22 Find whatever we have.

Speaker 2 So Aless kind of nervously goes around to the back and you hear her clattering about, looking for coin, looking for some kind of payment for you.

Speaker 19 She's clattering around there.

Speaker 5 I would accept a night of love on our return.

Speaker 15 But

Speaker 15 the blacksmith, not the blacksmith, the stone shifts.

Speaker 26 Huge man.

Speaker 19 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 19 What do you say to that?

Speaker 19 Well,

Speaker 29 I'm just impressed by the good humour

Speaker 29 for

Speaker 29 for people who are in such a terrible situation.

Speaker 24 How did I end up with these people?

Speaker 37 My guy's right up for this. He feels this is what he's destined to do.
This is his mission.

Speaker 2 So he's writing down these things.

Speaker 29 I can see the hope in your face. That's a wonderful thing.

Speaker 31 It makes me.

Speaker 24 Why is the barmaid so nervous?

Speaker 19 Yeah, what's going on with you, love?

Speaker 38 Why are you looking at the door all the time?

Speaker 24 So I want to ask Jacob:

Speaker 24 why is the barmaid so nervous?

Speaker 15 Well, um.

Speaker 29 Why don't you leave?

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 5 I feel that door will take us right into the dungeon.

Speaker 24 Are we in the traveling dungeon? Are we in the traveling dungeon?

Speaker 5 First of all, before we leave, I want to work out whether someone agreeing to sleep with me to save the village counts as consent.

Speaker 29 If you return.

Speaker 24 I'm not healing this guy.

Speaker 15 I don't think anyone's going to be able to do that.

Speaker 15 What was your name at first? Falderal.

Speaker 29 Falderal, if you return,

Speaker 29 you may have anything your heart desires.

Speaker 27 That's good enough for me.

Speaker 39 Thank you for listening to the very first episode of Here Comes the Guillotine, the Dungeons and Dragons Special with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louise Stewart, Rav Florence, and Frankie's son Thor.

Speaker 39 This episode was recorded at Sloane's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Logue, and the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

Speaker 39 Tune in next week for the second episode of Here Comes the Guillotine, the Dungeons and Dragons special to find out how the gang are dealing with Jacob Stone Shift's quest.

Speaker 40 You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Speaker 40 Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

Speaker 4 This is a Global Player original podcast.