Best Of - 2025 - Volume One

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hey, how are you doing?

This is producer Andy, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Frankie, Susie, and Christopher are on a wee break this week, so here's the best of from the past few months.

Hope you enjoy.

Canals,

you're not really supposed to cycle along them.

Everyone uses them as a cycle path, and like there's cycling infrastructure for that, like that isn't getting used.

So, then people start parking in it and whatnot.

And you're like, that whole thing of everybody commuting along it, you're like, that's why people can't use it because you're pelting along it at fucking 70 mile an hour.

I don't want to get into the politics of the Kelvin Walkway, and I don't want the fucking cyclists of the West End of Glasgow to see me as some kind of antichrist.

But they need to fucking stop

that walkway.

And it's a walkway.

It's not the name.

It's not cycle way.

Not wheel way.

Walkway.

You're very, you're correct.

And these lycra-clad freaks

bullet speed past me.

There's children.

Yeah,

there's dogs that are on leads, there's squirrels.

How many squirrels are dying every day?

Because some fucking tight-clothed wheelboy is just massacring them.

But their thing, as well, is why does everybody hate cyclists?

Well, because you act like cunts, right?

But we all act like cunts sometimes, but you're acting like cunts while dressed in a very memorable way.

So if I fucking went and acted the prick around fucking Buchanan Street dressed as a harlequin, people would fucking remember me and go, I don't like that cunt.

And that's exactly what cyclists are doing.

Maybe if I couldn't see the exact shape of your cock through your trousers, I wouldn't remember that you're fucking awesome.

Because you nearly killed my fucking toddler.

Also, right, you can see the shape of that, but then they wear padded shorts for their bump because obviously it hurts.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Slightly cover up the shape of your ass, man.

Yeah, surely, surely that would hurt your balls more sitting on a saddle.

The exact dick print.

Which you could.

I could identify these kids.

It's when they walk about in the Lycra, you know, when they've got off their bike and they've gone for like into the shop for a water, and they're just like fucking.

But if you're a young, fit person and you cyclically get about and you wear Lycra or what, you know, okay, fine, try and obey the highway code.

I noticed you've not been doing that very much.

But if you're a middle-aged guy and you're cutting about in fucking Lycra, you're probably working TV, you're getting a thrill of fucking displaying your cock to people yes oh that's a huge part of it

and the feel of the lycra and the feel of it it's such a clearly fetishistic mode that these people are living in and i've seen the websites it's like the fucking basically the only bit of them that's not a gimp

is the the calves Do you know what I mean?

If you covered your calves up, you're basically fucking climbing out of a box in a fucking Berlin sex pit.

Yep.

Some piss worshiper.

Lying in a bath in an Amsterdam gay bird, just being pissed on with a funnel in your mouth.

Some rubber med, you know.

And it really, uh, it really annoys me.

Do you know,

see how you were saying about the young the young guys don't wear lycra, they'll just wear shorts and a t-shirt, right?

It's the Masons.

What happened to just rolling up one of your trouser legs?

It's the Masons, that's no psychologist, that's a very different thing.

But also, probably as homoerotic as cycling as well.

The Lycra is the middle-aged man thing.

Yeah.

It needs to be.

It really is.

It's a homoerotic thing as well.

It's like, how can I get a really sore ass without actually

getting into the

sore cock and a sore cock and a sore arse?

I feel fulfilled, but I haven't actually had to engage emotionally.

This is true.

Wow.

I hate them.

I hate them as well.

And listen, it says on the sign in the Kelvin Walkway,

please be respectful of

the only thing that controls them really is

Scotland's careless lorry drivers.

When I was fifteen,

I'm a 15-year-old boy, I was walking quite near my house in Port Shaws, there's a park bit.

Um

and a car

drives by, pulls up, so all these drunk women, and they go, Do you want a love bite in your ass?

I just kind of stand there and look at them, right?

And then they fucking shout some obscenities, and then they drive off.

I'm a little bit shaken, but I go home and I think,

did I miss an opportunity?

Maybe they did want to fucking love bite my ass.

And the next week, I went back there at the same time on the off chance that this was was what they did.

Life's so full of missed opportunities where you look back and you go, I misread that.

Please,

please bite my arse.

Please soak my arse, create a vacuum, bruise the blood vessels in my ass cheek.

Please, I'm begging you.

What an intense experience that would have been.

How many of them was there?

There was like five of them or something.

I think you'd have been spit roasted, man.

I think I would have been all four.

Yeah, 100%.

Climbing the walls.

Listen, you were 15, you'd have lasted about 10 seconds.

Great.

You need to be careful, though, because at that age, that could leave a kind of most the opposite of trauma.

And also just regular trauma.

You know what I mean?

It would be a

canon event.

Do you know what I mean?

It would be a party top.

It would leave a mark on you, and you'd be seeking an arsukin for the rest of your life.

Quite literally, leave a mark on me.

Just a big raised arsso.

Just a fucking dueling scar.

So I looked up the plot to this IRA vs.

Jackie Chan film.

So this film's called The Foreigner.

Based on a book called The Chinaman.

You can see my tunes here.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Can I give his a rundown of the plot?

Please do.

Ngoc Minh Kwan, a widower and Vietnam War veteran, runs a Chinese restaurant in London.

His only daughter, Fan, is killed in a terrorist bombing in Knightsbridge and an IRA splinter group dubbing itself the Authentic IRA claims responsibility.

The authentic IRA?

Authentic IRA.

It's better than the inauthentic IRA.

Hennessy orders his right-hand man to locate Quan and get him out of the city and the IRA weapons dumps be searched for missing semtex.

Hennessy's henchmen track Quan but he fights them off and escapes.

Later Quan photographs Hennessy kissing his mistress Maggie Dunn in a restaurant.

Wait a minute, he's renounced violence, but he's up to the fucking house your father.

He claims to have renounced violence and yet he is being served, so to speak.

So Jackie Chan is a voyeur, it's a voyeuristic counter-bomber on behalf of the Vietnamese restaurant community.

It goes on and honestly,

I hear it right.

I wonder what happens.

Kwan then follows Hennessy to his farmhouse, attacking it with more bombs.

Jackie Chan, heavy on the bombs for martial artists.

Also, I feel that Jackie Chan's went to the level of the IRE

and not I expected it to be the other way around.

Yeah.

Like so fucking Pierce Brosnan's got a henchman who knows a bit of fucking Jeet Kundo.

The dragon.

No, I also assumed he would be using kung fu to counter

a bombing campaign.

And yet it seems to be fighting fire with fire.

Why get Jackie Chan?

Why not just get anyone can plant a bomb?

Because he's Asian and it's a restaurant.

And the book's called The Chinaman.

But it's weird to call The Chinaman because I was reading the plot of the book, which is slightly different.

He's Vietnamese in that, but they call him the Chinaman.

But in this, he's Chinese, but he works in a Vietnamese restaurant.

Very confusing.

Anyway.

There's a lot of cupboards out there.

In the book, he is a Viet Cong soldier who was trained by both the Viet Cong and the US military to be a kind of

super soldier.

Super soldier.

Why would the US military be training when the VHO?

He's a counter-soldier, maybe.

He's like a triple agent.

What are they called?

Triple agents.

I don't know.

Counter-soldiers.

Quan then follows Fennessey to his farmhouse, attacking it with more bombs.

As Hennessy's men search for him, Quan maims them with traps before he is wounded when Kavanaugh.

Does that get it pronounced that right?

Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh.

I also think that Quan should maybe have been recruited

to the IRA.

Sounds like fucking natural.

He's ready to join Friends Kafka and Else Mandela in the ranks of the time, IRA.

Hennessy enlists his nephew, Sean Morrison,

a former Royal Irish Regiment soldier and skilled tracker, to stop Quan.

Hennessy learns that Morrison unintentionally leaked information during an affair with his wife, Mary.

Bromley notifies Hennessy that they have found the bomber's identity and threatens to raid his farm unless the latter questions McGrath McGrath after they track him to his farmhouse.

Hennessy tortures McGrath into telling him where and who the terrorists are, which includes Maggie, whose real name is Sarah Mackay.

Hennessy learns that Mary masterminded the attacks because her brother was murdered by a UVF death squad and hates both the British and her husband for allowing his killers to be jailed.

What's Jackie Chan doing at this moment?

It's just

not been here for ages.

This is just internal Irish politics.

Quan enters the bomber's London flat disguised as a gas man.

Very still gamish thing.

It's me, the pocus gasman, and it's fucking Jackie Chan.

It's a Viet Cong super soldier.

What this film should have been called is Jackie Chan, Black and Tan.

He has done the dirty work of fucking Cromwell's army.

Oh, none.

Black and chan, really?

Black and tan, that's fucking tremendous.

Jackie Chan, black and tan.

Oh, there's Jackie Chan.

Come out, you, Jackie Chan.

Come on and fight me.

Like, come out.

I was in a very staunch part of Glasgow the other day, and I had to stop at a shop.

I had a Carrie GAE top on

and a pair of like green and yellow sports shorts.

And I thought to myself, Yeah, you're a busted flush because there's no way I would ever have done this before.

But I've actually just said, nah, fuck it, it was fine.

And the Kerry top is like green with a white and gold collar with fucking Kerry written across it.

And I was like,

yeah,

yeah.

It's probably worse than wearing like a Celtic top.

Was it Kerry football or?

No, G E I I Kerry

G A.

That's what I'm looking for.

Gaelic Association.

Yes, like Gaelic football.

Alright.

GEA.

So yeah, it was at the top.

And I was like, fuck.

G-A-A is so interesting to me because they all have jobs, don't they?

Yeah, so the pleasures playing for the county,

that's the big thing.

If you get to represent your county and all the money, like, I mean, like, 70,000, 80,000 people go and watch the final, but

all the money raised tends to go, well, allegedly, back into grassroots of the sport, so it's kind of the way sport probably should be.

But it's kinda like guys will be like

uh joining kind of decorator or something, but then they'll also do this, and then it's just such a great advert for your trade as well, so they're bloated.

That's uh, that is also what used to happen in rugby, all right?

Yeah, yeah, rugby, like international rugby, only really or rugby went professional, what, 96, 98, something like that.

Um, and but those guys were like fucking lawyers and architects.

Do you know what I mean?

None of them are coming in your house to

fix your front door.

I mean, they want a lawyer with fucking concussion.

That's a good point.

That's fair.

I suppose it depends on what type of lawyer.

Yeah.

Just check the sports before you engage them.

He's a Scottish player that's fighting.

Have you seen the sport

paddle ball?

No.

Have you heard of paddle tennis or something paddle tennis so table tennis no what's paddle tennis it's a cross between squash and tennis on a smaller court a paddle racket the two people in it i know of playing this

are tommy robinson and jason manford what yeah they should they should play each other and sort out

if jason wins

if jason wins tommy has to leave the country

If Jason wins,

he gets to take over the far right and just use them for his own ends.

Introduce them to musical theater.

Yeah, musical theater.

But if Tommy wins, he gets to be

understudy on the West End.

Yeah.

So it's.

He's just like coming on and doing a couple of numbers in front of the opera.

Yeah, which I think would solve a lot of his problems.

So there's a place up at Huggingfield Lock,

up at the Huggy that's opened up that does it.

Right.

Quite fancy.

I'd fancy giving it a wee bash.

The court's smaller than a tennis court, so that kind of suits me.

Let's get a day out there.

Amazing.

Look at Christopher's absolute.

This is Merrier than Glow vibes from him, frankly.

I'm sick.

Why do you want to do Christopher?

I love Laser Quest, but do you know?

I've just got an inability to express enthusiasm for things I'm not interested in.

And it's really holding me back in my life.

Ah, I can tell.

I just think most people can go, oh, I'd love to go to your birthday.

you know?

And then not go.

And then not go.

Whereas I have to, my face is like...

Get subtitles.

I know you're not a big comic book fan, but are you familiar with Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth?

Weirdly, I'm not.

Well, she can whip people with it and tie them up.

And because it's a lasso of truth, they can't tell a lie.

Don't you know who wrote the lasso of truth in Wonder Woman?

No.

The guy who invented the lie detector.

Wow.

What?

Yeah.

Are you the guy who?

No, that's true.

The guy who invented the lie detector machine was the comic polygraph test, as it was called.

Yeah.

Was the guy who wrote Wonder Women,

which was obviously his fantasies of being dominated by giant women.

Lying to him.

Having a big fucking rope to scalp him with.

Are you turned on by this?

No.

Fucking needles off the chart.

Amazing.

What's the anger about being in a chippy?

No, I just I'm generally very soothed.

Yeah, the smell really dates me.

Sometimes when they say there's no chips and you're like, what did you think was going to happen?

You know when there's just like calories in the air?

Sometimes you're just

taking like 15 calories just standing in this queue just through osmosis.

Where I grew up, the back of the house was a small garden, garages, and then it was like a lane.

The bottom of the lane took you next to like where all the shops were.

And the smell of the chippy used to just like laughed over.

So you've just got all these we morbidly obese kids going in the 80s.

Like, I know I've had my dinner, but can I have 40 pence for a bag of chips, please?

And it was, it was dynamite.

Just and remember, you see, because you could see they put them in containers now, right?

I can't even be doing it.

What do you mean?

What they used to be just paper?

Paper, but you

instead of having it horizontal,

you would tip it up and then open, then you would just eat, and it'd be like steaming hot.

Wouldn't it?

It was amazing.

Just hideous Scottish murders being uncovered as you consumed your fritters.

I was in a chip in Blackpool, and

they had the old

kind of nostalgic throwback.

They had newspaper as the rapper, but it was all it was like a fake newspaper that was about chips.

It just felt a bit

like, I wouldn't read this.

There's a chip shop in Girvin in Scotland's Rivera.

Shout out to Girvin.

Shout out to Girvin.

Shout out to Grazianos.

And it's still got a.

I've just got to see if we can get a sponsor.

A crappy sponsor is there.

A heart attack.

What more do you need?

£80 a week and a pickled egg.

That's all we need.

They've still got a sit-in bit.

You know, like the, and it's like.

what's the seating like?

Oh, it's the chairs that you can't move, they're just on a bar, like old school with the in a formica table, but you can still sit in and it it still uses newspaper, like proper newspaper.

But also, when you go in, you like need to place your order because everything just gets cooked fresh.

There's none of this hacking.

I don't know, I love to I love when you know, I love stodgy being sitting there for between five and six hours, sausage suppers, where it's like cardboard, butter, when it's really crispy, crispy and chewy.

I like it to have sat there for a bit and just took it.

But surely, if you just get your salt and vinegar on it

and then just keep it for like 10-15 minutes, it'll get there because it'll be wrapped up, so it'll just kind of do that.

You worry that sausage suppers can be too fresh.

I don't like them too fresh.

I I like them to have lived a life before I meet them.

You know?

Who invented the bar stool, by the way?

Like, the last thing you want in a pub is a test of balance.

The last thing you want in a pub is an easy access weapon.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a heavy weapon that you could really like take the pub out with.

Range of a halberd.

I feel like old school saloons would have a different vibe if everybody was in beanbags.

Some horrible gunslanger comes in and everybody's like, I can't even get it.

I think it's for easy access to fall off to like dodge a bullet or something.

It'd be so much fun, you know, to pillow fight with those things with John Wayne while alive.

I remember going to a pub in

Shettleston.

So, for those of you that are unfamiliar with the parish of Shettleston, it's

a pretty decent-sized area in the east end of Glasgow where many crimes have been committed.

And many people from there have committed crimes, but not all.

Brilliant Tesco, though, cracking Tesco, but that's kind of Bud Hill, isn't it?

Sorry, you're quite right, yeah.

So, um, Celtic had won the Trebo under Mark M'Neil, and I had to go to this boozer to pick up my brother and his mate, who came up for the football.

I went into the pub, and all the furniture was plastic

furniture.

And the bar had you know, those bars that sit down the front off licensees in the west of Scotland.

The cage, this pub had the cage, so you just went, you just get past your drinks and past your money,

and everybody was just running a pool table, just standing there, pool coot, and nobody was playing pool.

Nobody was playing pool, and all the furniture was basically plastic patio kind of bucket seats because you couldn't be trusted with anything else.

I was like,

lads, we are the only three people in here without a skinner.

I'm going to suggest that we maybe head into the merchant say.

When I watch Chinese, I go to a place called Good Duck

on Bayers Road, which seems to be a combination of good luck and

good duck.

There's a lot of duck joints popped up in Partik and

various places like that.

They've started putting the spinning duck in the window in the one in Dumbarton Road.

I think it's called Roast Yum.

Roast Yums?

I'm there.

Listen to to that.

It's like it really has a kind of

burlesque affair to it.

I mean, there's a real hypnotic spin.

There's a real rumba to the spin of the pole and the way the duck's hip bounces off the pole.

It's very

erotic.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

What is wrong with you?

When you're hungry.

I'm fucking horny.

No, I'm not hungry.

I'm not horny, but it's just.

I used to have this issue.

I I don't know if you're finding this having been a non-smoker now, but I would never, I would never know when I needed a cigarette, if I needed a pish, I would just have a longing in my body.

And I found it quite difficult to go, do I need a cigarette or do I need a piss?

And I'd go out and I'd spark up a flag, I'd take two draws, and I'd go, no, that was a piss because I still need it.

Sometimes I have that with food and sex, I guess, where I'm like, I don't know.

It's a lot to unpack.

We, me and Frankie,

I don't think we're qualified.

Me and Frankie have often discussed, I think, on the pod, how food-motivated you are.

Me?

Yeah.

You are very food-motivated.

Like, I can say to you, Young's Kitchen does a good chicken noodle soup.

You go, the chicken noodle soup's amazing.

It's a nine out of ten.

Like, you're very au fee with particular places and your food choices within them.

And you're very driven.

Having been on tour with you.

both of you have been, yeah.

You are very driven.

Where can we get something to eat?

You know, that type of thing.

I was on tour there with my friend Roscoe's opening for me, and he was surprised.

He said he forgot what it's like to be around me.

And he said, I didn't realise.

Because

I think it's normal to want to have a breakfast and a lunch and a dinner and maybe some snacks in between.

To me, that's healthy.

But he's like,

why we stopping so much for food?

Just to see me a dend him here, do you know what the snack bill was for the first leg of the tour?

So the first leg was like 60 gigs or something like that.

But I would just get snacks for the car through the tour measure.

£800.

Wow.

£800 worth of snacks used to consume.

Wait, that's not including the ones we just bought ourselves.

Which was.

That's just the official snacks.

That's the official snacks, which was...

You would try to be healthy.

That's the thing.

And then that came in like a wrecking ball.

Tax-deductible snacks.

Less spicy lentils, more chicken.

More chicken.

More full rotisserie chickens, please.

What are you saying?

What I told Dick here, I don't mind.

But

people consume so much content now that when they come to art,

they're like, Oh, what the fuck's this?

Yeah, no, no, you're 100%.

Because they're like, Oh, I like seeing Paul Mescal on a fucking talk show, and I like seeing Paul Mescal do a fucking thing where you just tell a gay ghost, yeah, yeah.

But actually, I watched the film about the fucking gay ghost, which is like a really good film, yeah.

Um, and I'm challenged by it, and I'm a bit like, oh, god, why is this so sad?

And you know, and and you're just kind of like

the art is a separate thing, and I think it's just it's it's becoming now that there's so much of this fucking stuff that people wade through all the time.

You know, I mean, so we got this book out, and you're like, Well, we can do stuff for it, and we can do we promo videos and blah blah blah, but that's nothing like the book, it's a pretty challenging book.

And when people come in the book, they're gonna be like, Oh, holy shit, what's this?

Well, I think you need to delineate between content and art.

I think both are kind of valid phrases, but the content's what you use to point people towards your art.

So, when I'm on stage, I'm doing stand-up, that's me being an artist.

And when I'm, you know, making a video of me talking about Aberdeen in the rain on my Instagram, that's content.

So you go, Who's that?

Oh, I've heard him.

I'll go see him.

I mean, yeah.

I think Paul Weskow.

Maybe that's what you're saying.

Yeah, but I I agree with all of that, but there is a kind of element where you're going to yourself.

So much you kinda need to do the miles with.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I was watching an act a couple of months ago

and

they were they were funny enough, they were the audience liked them enough, but you could see after seven minutes that the craft of the job they didn't have.

And you just see the whole thing fucking crumble roundabout.

And you're going,

right, well, you know what?

You need to be fucking out learning like four or five nights a week and jumping on whatever you can because that craft thing is just the craft thing.

And it actually doesn't matter how big a room you sell, it's about the craft, like you being able to fucking deliver in that space.

And you clearly can't.

I think there's obviously that thing of like

there's so much stuff that kind of is more like content and meets people halfway or more than halfway.

Do you know what I mean?

So I guess cozy crime's a bit like this.

I guess, you know, lots of journalism is a bit like this.

Blah, blah, blah.

You're trying to engage people.

It's a bit of a fishing lure.

So like I read a book.

recently it's um it's on the booker shortlist called creation lake and it's like a really unpleasant not really unpleasant but an unpleasant narrative and

it's quite challenging and it starts like objectively it's quite difficult to get into and

it only sort of gradually dawns on you as you get like a third way so you're supposed to be like that it's trying to keep you at a certain distance so that you can observe some of the kind of issues that she's trying to talk about kind of thing and you're like well that's actual art and the reason that you find that kind of difficult to get into is that you're consuming loads of things that aren't actual art, that are basically on the level of content.

If you just eat mushy peas for nine years and then somebody gives you a steak, you're probably not going to enjoy it.

True.

You're going to go.

I wish I had more slop rather than my fucking lips.

Less things to chew and taste.

There was also an argument, though, that like television used to put more art on.

You know what I mean?

Like, you know, the BBC would commission plays and there would be things on, you you know bbc to channel four that were there to

to kind of give you access to the arts if you couldn't afford it and that's kind of needed now more than ever because the cost of the arts is through the roof that's terrible do you know what i mean but we now don't have that the the medium and the output of that art and that's got to kind of come back and also we've had 14 years of a government that fucking hated the arts, absolutely fucking hated it.

They hate it for the public.

Do you know what I mean?

If you go to their kids' schools, the kids' school's got a fucking orchestra, it's got a library, it's got a theater.

Oh, you got a 1500-seater auditorium in some fucking fee paying schools.

Yeah,

I did someone's book launch, and we were doing it in a

famous public school in Edinburgh.

I thought, what is this gonna be like, kind of school?

And it was like a proper theatre, it was like a venue.

I've done a bit about this in my show at the Kings last year.

I took it it out for the fringe, but about going to a private school where there was a gig in the private school.

It had nothing to do with the school.

They just literally hired the space because it was a 1500-seater auditorium.

It was basically the size of the fucking King's Theatre.

It was 250 seats left.

And I'm like, where's the fucking assembly hall with the badminton lines smelling a fucking custard?

Do you know what I mean?

The high stage, you know, mind keep like covering it.

It's hard to go into those places without seeing the canteen in your educational establishment in front of your eyes.

No, no.

The fuel zone,

as it was known.

The what's on?

The fuel zone.

That's what my canteen was called at primary school and secondary school.

Wow.

And you get sweaty, sweaty potato smileys and a sweaty hot dog and a sweaty bun.

Everyone was sweaty.

Food was wet.

These kids at these schools would have never seen the food we've eaten.

They'll glimpse it in a Ken Loach movie occasionally.

As prison sloth.

Ray Winston's getting fucking fed in this movie.

You are a potato smart.

I've got nothing to fucking small about you, Kat.

Last night we went to see Paul Heaton with Rianna Downey, who's a local lassie from the Mother Well.

She was great.

Went to the old Cardinal Newman school.

She is, she was, she was great.

She was brilliant.

However, here's my fucking rant.

See, if you're going going to go to a concert, would you please just listen to the fucking songs that you've paid money to hear?

Because there was like a group behind us, and it was like one of them kind of had that Jama Collins vibe,

and she just fucking

like she just looked like tall, blonde, quite right.

And she would just shouted to her mates

the whole fucking gig.

Like she did not shut up once.

And every time we moved, they moved.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then the fucking straw that broke the camel's back is when one of them put their arms round me and I was like, You off you fuck.

I was furious.

The distance between what was being delivered on stage and what was coming in your other ear.

So that w at the point we left it was like he was giving it, We'll sail this ship alone, you know, that really beautiful.

And

any fucking hoes are going me.

That is exactly how it was.

I, I, I'll fucking say about that cow.

And I was like, Glasgow, I fucking love the bones of you, but this has to stop.

But how many people were on it on a fucking Sunday?

Every fucker was over 45 at least, and they were all leathered and cold up and just screaming.

A fucking Paul Heaton gig.

Like, it's not exactly Oasis.

It's the beautiful South Ultras.

You keep it all in.

Yeah, fucking.

Honestly, it was.

We didn't even get to hear fucking keep it all in.

No.

Like, we had to go.

It was just too much, man.

Two guys at that Bel Sebastian gig that I had also stood next to at the national at the hydro with I think soccer mommy was opening up for them.

And it was uh, it was these two guys, these two kind of I would say late middle-aged guys, both grey, but I guess what they like to do is go to music shows and then just shout over the top

about what they think their next song's gonna be.

I knew used to play guitar and another band, did you ever see them when they played the batterlands?

I love the batterlands, I hate how it I like how it's a kind of a bouncy floor.

Do you know what else has a bouncy floor?

They'll do Academy.

It's like,

I really want to do that thing while you clunk heads together.

Do you know?

At least they were talking about music.

These bams had came with fucking antlers and Christmas jumpers on, so that also annoyed me.

I remember seeing the strokes at Transmit.

And there was just this girl behind going, I think they should play something Scottish.

Pure New York City, post-punk indie rock band like probably one of the best bands in the last 25 years they should play something by the proclaimers I just think it'd be better if they played because we don't like it like why come to Scotland if you're not gonna play Scottish stuff

and that's the type of person that is a BBC Scotland's prime demographic

but b

someone who should be set on fire

I don't have in my new flat a bedside table.

I'm using

that's a scunner.

That's a scunner.

I'm just putting my stuff in the ground.

I'm putting a lamp on the ground.

Oh my god, where are the condoms?

Bedside.

In my...

Under my pillow?

Just wear one.

I hold a sex fairy cup.

It's terrible.

I love the idea of that.

Just a wee sex fairy visiting Christopher.

I'm the fucking sex fairy fuck.

Road Marson took two of my teeth.

The Christmas Girtha Boyd promise.

The guarantee.

I don't have a bedside table.

Do you have a coffee table?

No.

I don't have a TV account.

You're lucky you've got a girlfriend, man, because any girl you brought back to this flat would, like,

every warning sign you got off in your head, and this is the fucking Hellside Stranger.

He's fucking Jeffrey Tom.

He's just got a 1970s-style writing desk and vinyl cabinet.

He doesn't have a TV, he doesn't really have many towels yet.

I forgot all about that.

Or he's married, and this is some kind of fuck pad.

Yeah, it does have that vibe, and unfortunately, that's not true.

Wow.

It's price having a fuck pad towards your just I don't know what playing jazz on your record player.

I just can't.

I'm not having it.

It's not a footpad, it's a life pad.

My whole life's in there, but I just don't have much grown.

Imagine that's the opening of your movie.

You're sitting there on your

mattress.

I have a bed.

Should have said that.

I have a bed frame.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

Oh,

if there was no bed frame,

I'd be hanging for the rafters.

Straight up.

You wouldn't be able to reach with your bed frame.

Exactly.

Very high ceilings.

hard to heat

um when you were talking about your rat last week it had me thinking about when i had the mouse jerry um who's living with me for a while woke up one day teeth marks in my butter

that sentence ended a lot better than i thought it was going to end teeth marks

bump cheeks

a mouse had been eaten mass um no in my butter i found little tiny teeth marks and then i would i was kind of nocturnal for a while i was living kind of mouse hours

and then I would just hear him and sometimes he would come out and look at me while I was watching TV or playing Fallout 4 for the PlayStation 4 and I kind of had to develop methods for dealing with him.

Tinfoil, if you make a little tin foil wall anywhere you don't want a mouse to go they are really repulsed by the sound and feeling a tin foil

so you sat in a circle of kit kit rappers

rather than just get a fucking like pest control guy I had no I didn't want a pest control guy I think it might have been no it wasn't during COVID I was through can I ask how were you finding living on your own

pretty rough so far right um but just to get back to the mouse I developed a homemade

um

deterrence a spray.

I took an empty windeline bottle and I made my my own I looked up guides on how to make your own mouse deterrent

and I had chili flakes chili oil cloves garlic

and bleach

she was seasoning a live mouse

Yes

it did start to sound like something you'd get in a delicatessen Corner brought bleach when bleach came in

it was, yeah, it was pretty intense, but then I accidentally maced myself with it because I was checking whether the spray worked.

And

two sprays, none came out.

Looked in my face.

Third spray finally built up the pressure and I maced myself with my homemade mouse deterrent.

And it really hurt.

So how's Living Alone going?

Hey, how you doing?

Prudu Sandy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe and and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.