Here Comes The Guillotine Live in Edinburgh - Part 2

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm producer Andy, and you're listening to Here Comes the Guillotine live from Edinburgh Playhouse back in March with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd, plus a very special guest.

Hope you enjoy.

Edinburgh, please welcome back to the stage Susie McKay, Frankie Boyle and Chris McAlleyboy.

Yes.

Are you planning playing a V-game?

Yeah, I'm just gonna play Minecraft for a bit.

I don't play Minecraft, I'm a real gamer.

gamer.

I don't need

to play Pokemon.

We are going to do some fucking mailbag stuff.

Don't know if people like the mailbag episodes, but we do them to game the algorithm.

This is a crowd that looks like it has problems.

We have solutions.

I hope you've been scanning your QR codes.

I'll be honest with you, I've had a rough perusal of the problems, and you

have a lot of issues, to be honest with you.

A lot of fucking strange, sexually confused

questions.

But we actually have a fucking special guest,

a big Here Comes the Guillotine fan to help us.

Edinburgh, please put your hands together for one of my favourite comedians, it's Film Brady!

Yes,

see,

see, before we start, right?

Producer Andy done his research and gave me a gift to gift to Firm, right?

Because it's local produce from the Edinburgh/slash Bathgate area that you can no longer buy anymore.

Right?

Does anyone know what it will be?

Cocaine.

Think it fucking hunters of cocaine.

Firm, it is a bag of Highlander crisps.

Look at the fucking joy in her face.

Gusto Pomodoro.

I forgot these existing.

I know.

They weren't made in Bathgate.

They were made in Bathgate, but like everything else, Bathgate no more.

Elano.

These are the Spanish Bathgate.

They are now made in Italy.

Oh my God.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

You're welcome.

Thank you so much.

You're a big fan of the podcast, number one fan?

Yeah, so I message Chris every week with my feedback on the podcast.

And he's been really nice about it.

Because

it got to a point where it was getting embarrassing how often I would message.

It was like every week as soon as the episode came out, I'd be like, here are my thoughts.

Do you have any you'd like to share with other people who listen?

I just, I never knew that there was going to be such a sectarian podcast.

and you don't get that in legacy media

or even like you never get it on off menu do you know what I mean James A.

Kiss is ever talking about the IRA yeah never

he should go loyalist do you know what I mean

I mean you say sectarian provo adjacent provo adjacent

yeah

I'd love to see fucking Ed Campbell talk about the UVF

he just doesn't do it HT Busy Noises or something.

Be quiet, James.

We're going to get Charlie Hebb Dowd if you keep this up.

But yeah, thank you so much for coming on.

Really appreciate it.

You are.

Would you say Bathgate was a part of Edinburgh?

The audience says no.

No.

Culturally, no.

Geographically?

Well, I feel like it's more influenced by Glasgow stuff, even though it's nearer Edinburgh.

And then it's just got its own mad stuff like Galladay.

I tried to explain what Bathgate Galladay was to one of my Porsche English friends.

And the more you go into describing it, the madder it sounds.

I've never heard of it, was that?

You don't have...

Oh, you don't have Galladay?

No, so we have it in the outer lying area, so places like Lanark.

Lanark

would have it, but not

relax

for Lannark.

Make room for a fucking Tory in here.

We're big fans of Alistair Grape.

And it was always a new trainer's day.

Guys would get new trainers for Gala Day.

Yeah.

It was kind of like

a kind of not even Hamilton or Motherwell.

You need to go further into the depths.

So what is it like you sacrifice someone for the apple harvest?

Pretty much.

basically every six-year-old girl in the town is either a rainbow girl or a flower girl and you get dressed up as a small bride kind of and then you sit on the back of a lorry and wave to everyone I've accidentally been to a gala day I wondered what the fuck that was

I was in Karlook yes

I was in Carloo.

I took my son to a football game in Karlook, right?

And obviously they got pumped because there's fuck all else to do in Karlook but play football, right?

But all these wee lasses drove by in cars and people waved at them, and I was like, What the fuck is going on here?

I'd better wave.

Did you just think it was like a mass first Holy Communion?

Just fucking hundreds of e-girls.

I thought it was a kind of paedophilic double bluff.

Yeah, so you do that, and then

for some reason, all your teachers will be dressed as like the Flintstones, and they're on the back of another lottery.

This is like a really shite pride match.

Shame.

And there's a lot of.

And then they have a night called Danger Night.

I don't know if this is just

so danger night is meant to be where the people that run the shows, the fairground, they don't tighten any of the screws on the waltzers.

So it's like a pound a night.

This is like Scottish dignitas.

I fucking love it.

What a way to go on the jumping frog.

Fucking blank gone.

My mum never let me go to danger night, but it was only like the scary kids got.

Why did anybody's mums let them go to danger night?

Because, well, I don't think it was true about the screws, but that was what everyone said.

Wow, I think I went to to Bishopton Gala once.

Jesus Christ.

I love how somebody subsequently booed that.

Like somebody from Erskine's just went, fucking boo.

Wow.

Yeah, Bishopton Gala Day, they set up a wrestling ring in the middle of it and people started wrestling.

John Zena wasn't there, unfortunately.

But it was kind of local wrestlers, but then children started throwing bits of wood into the ring and the wrestlers went, We can't work under these conditions.

And

the wrestling match ended.

But yeah, and you're moving back to Scotland.

Is this the case?

Yeah,

I couldn't take London anymore.

It was too much.

My pal described where I live in London as the bathgate of London.

She was like, Why did you pick your to move to?

Because you and Frankie did a show near my house.

And I was like, it was so surreal to see, because I was like, Why are you playing in Catford?

How did you find it?

I went to Catford and my job on tour was to open up for Frankie with 20 minutes to stand up, but also to go find his dinner sometimes.

See, to be fair, you've done that for me when we were on tour.

And if anybody's going to find you a dinner, it's fucking Christopher.

Christopher.

What a boy, man.

He's like six by nickel coming in.

I sniff out a chicken noodle soup like a bloodhound, man.

Christopher's like a skill you'd unlock in a game.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, you've got infinite food now because you've unlocked Christopher.

You'll go and find it.

And when we were in,

I have some pals for South London, and they were like, oh, if you're in South London, you need to go to chicken, this fried chicken place.

You're screwing your face up as if that sucks.

Yeah, I had a guy, I had mice in my house, and the guy that was getting rid of the mice said that he'd found rats down the back of the chicken fryers.

So don't go.

Oh, maybe you'll have to cut that out before we go, or you won't get a sponsorship.

You went to a chicken shop.

I don't think that's the story that we're not going to get sponsorship because of me.

I was wondering why my popcorn chicken chicken had a tool, but that makes sense.

So I was going to move to

Deniston and Glasgow, and then Susan Riddle, a comedian, said, Oh, don't, the crime's really going up there.

Now I'm leaving London because of the

proper crime, like people getting shot and stuff.

And she went, There's been a spate of robberies in Deniston of people getting their takeaways stolen out of their hat.

That's so charming.

Did you not used to live in Denison, Susie.

I'm just saying.

I've put on a bit of weight and I had to move out.

Fucking love a non-bread, man.

Great takeaways, though.

They're worth committing robbery for fair and light.

If you could put people who are trying to lose weight together with the people who wanted to steal takeaways,

it could be a victimless crime.

It's a very blue collar crime.

Although that did happen to me in Dennison, but it was because they delivered it to the wrong flat and they delivered it to the flat across the road who fucking kept it.

And then I was like, I'm going to steal one of your fucking wains.

I'm going to hold this child hostage until my curry comes with all the fucking accompaniments.

What accompaniments?

Spiced onions, poppadoms, chicken pakora, naan bread.

Don't even start that make out that you wouldn't know what an accompaniment is.

Oh, okay.

I used to live further out in the east end of Glasgow, and Susie with me and Susie were doing a gig together like six years ago.

She would drive past Menard's and Dennison, and then she'd drop me off in the East End of Drive.

And then I ended up back at my mum and dad's, and you were very jealous because that's the same area that you're from.

And you were like, You've got all the fucking good takeaways.

Tell me what the takeaways are.

I'm like, They're still there, Christopher, they're still there.

Go and get go and get some chicken picora out the spice boys

tell me what it's like I'm like you're a fucking wee deviant

I am who I am as Popeye once said

so you do you have any kind of

local memories of Edinburgh Fern you've done the fringe here and stuff

only grim memories to be honest like what you went to uni here as well didn't you yeah I went to uni here and I was at uni for like two.

Well, I was at uni for about six years or something.

So I worked in all the strip clubs at the same time,

apart from Fantasy Palace and

one other one.

But yeah, I worked in the grimmest ones.

So every time I walk past them, now I'm sad that they've been turned into restaurants and sort of bougie pubs for bankers.

Yeah, I mean, everybody.

I don't know why I'm sad because I hated working there.

But it's the past is over.

Everybody talks about the pubic triangle down at Rego Street.

That's where strippers go to die.

That's where you go.

That's where you go when things are really bad.

Those are the final ones that you go to.

Working here.

Not even the Western bar is like the one where you go where you're about to kill yourself basically.

The western bar doesn't even have a pole.

You just kind of have to put your hands against a mirror and wriggle about.

It's horrible.

Wow.

It's horrible.

What way is that Western part?

It's like you've been trapped in someone's bathroom.

Everybody always calls that a bit the Pubic Triangle, but there's also three really good second-hand bookshops there.

And I think...

I feel like you're deliberately being a hipster now, leaning into this persona.

That's me away to Mary's milk barn

up the pubic triangle, get myself a nice book.

You already know that you would have been the type to go to a strip club and chat to the girls and think that they liked you back.

Like, fuck that.

And be like,

I'm not going to get a £10 dance because I respect you too much.

They were the worst.

They'd be like, that weak dick's taking up all my fucking time.

The way you're covering your face with shame, I feel like I know you've done it.

You did.

I don't go because I know it would happen.

Have you ever been here, Stripbar, Christopher?

No, I just know I'd be like,

why don't you?

I'll give you a good life for somewhere else.

I'll save up my pocket money and save you from this.

I've brought you another book.

Have you read Catcher in the Night of any similar scene happens in New York?

Shut up, Christopher.

That's me talking to myself.

No, I've never been to airstrip club.

I just think,

I don't know, I've got too much social anxiety.

Who heckles it the words, I've got too much social anxiety?

Is that really Scottish heckles?

Fuck off your fucking social anxiety

i'm gonna guess it's the big bald guy sitting over there that can no longer see his own cock so

you're right son

there'll be fucking lesbians in here we'll rattle him for you

It's great knowing Susie and just having a lesbian army at my disposal.

She can activate them.

Activate them for home improvements in leather and fuck out old garments.

So

we are going to answer some mailbags.

Getting off the topic of me going to strip clubs and having nervous breakdowns, we are going to answer some mailbag episodes with the help of special guest Ferm Brady.

First suggestion, first mailbag entrance is it's Lee Penman's 40th birthday.

Happy birthday, Lee.

Someone's booing.

Someone's birthday.

What a mental crowd.

I've got social anxiety.

Fucking bullshit.

Fuck your 40th birthday.

This is them on a Saturday night.

Imagine what fucking Tuesday's like.

We done

the first leg of your tour, we done the playhouse.

That's right, we don't have to imagine it.

It was shy.

It was one of the worst gigs of the tour.

It was crazy.

I was like, oh, Eden Bradley, Eden Bradley, Mary Smokeman.

And then, and then, you know, we go.

Well, thanks for bringing it up.

We've got brutally

other people's problems.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Have you forgotten the password for the laptop again?

This was like five minutes to the Glasgow show.

Hi.

Producer Andy had to come out at the armadillo to put the password in because I couldn't figure it out.

Hi guys, we have a friend who claims to be bisexual but has only eloped with women.

He is partial to foreign objects up his bottom.

How do we get him to make the push?

How do we get him to make the push?

But can he fucking answer that?

Jesus.

How do we get him to take a cock up his bum?

Maybe just fucking leave him to himself.

You're a bisexual legend, Fann.

Do you have a take on this?

Well, I don't think he's bisexual.

I just think he likes things up his bottom.

Unless there's a man attached, then

how does it count as bisexual?

If it's just inanimate.

Yeah.

What we could say about him is perhaps he overshares in conversation.

There's nothing wrong with things up your ass.

scroll down

my girlfriend says I'm bisexual purely because I was once in love with a man

you're getting the real life podcast experience man

I cannot wait till Andy tries to edit this shit

what man were you in love with, Christopher?

He's dead now.

Now that's a plug for a friend show.

Is it possible?

Can I guess, was it Bobby Sand?

It was.

Would you like a Bobby sub

sorry that was fucked up.

Is it possible for Christopher to please absolutely destroy the come quota this evening?

I've travelled a long way and would like to see something special.

Lots of love, Tony.

Tony, do you like things up your bunk?

I've recently realised that free will probably doesn't exist and I'm struggling to go back to living normally.

There's a Robert Sipolsky book about this,

and it's about how we don't have free will.

And my boyfriend always mentions it, and I don't want to read it because I don't want to think that.

You heard about this.

You heard about this?

I cannot be bookish.

Something like that.

Yeah, this is the argument of free will versus determinism.

You know, do you have free will, or is what you'd already predetermined by your background and upbringing and various other factors?

I would argue that you have free will because

you obviously do.

People are overthinking this.

Do you know what I mean?

And there lies the gospel.

Do you think there's honestly a fucking universal plan that said, Frankie Boyle, go to this fucking thing at the playhouse and talk about shagging people at a chip shop?

There can't be.

What universe would have mapped that out?

It must have been my free will.

No, but like your genetics and your family background and a sequence of events over the years all led you up to this point.

Yeah, I mean, there's a guy called Daniel Dennett who I think died recently, but his thing was he's a compatibilist.

So the idea of free will and determinism are actually compatible.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, you are the product of forces, but you also make the decisions at the end.

See, be honest,

I really need to do a bucket before we have this conversation.

Let's get the bucket out.

Producer Andy, bring on the buckets.

There's two that I

When I lived in Rego Street in Edinburgh with that Russian guy, we used to get, remember they introduced the long cans I am brew that were like kind of they looked like a tenant's can or something and we used to jab holes on the top of it with a compass, put hash on it and then splast hash.

Son, that's a fucking terrible bucket.

See, when I was at school, we get a water at work cooler and

what?

So you know, the water at work, you know, the fucking water tank you get in water fountains, right?

So, me and my mate knocked one, and his dad always had loads of shit in his shed, right?

And we stole a massive fucking stopper for chemistry.

We fucking trimmed it, and we got it in the top, and we get the pipette in, we get the tube in, and two bags of ice.

The finest bucket I've ever had in my life.

And see, to be honest with you, if that doesn't get you a six-year fucking studies in chemistry, I don't know what will.

you're sitting there with a wee shity can.

Just see was the Russian guy.

An influencer just got into trouble for stealing a baby womba.

What would you steal from a zoo and why?

Yeah, have you seen that video?

Oh, no.

Oh, it's horrible.

Baby Womba is getting stolen, and it's mum who's getting upset and trying to get it back.

And this influencer's been cancelled over it.

Good.

Yeah, people hate her.

Cool.

But now she's also got a second wave of interest.

I can't believe how much people hate me for doing this totally fucking hateful thing.

What animal would you steal?

Is this a sloth?

Fucking love a bee sloth.

Just mean a bee sloth being sloths.

You don't like sloths?

Well no, because I seen a video of a baby sloth trying to cross the road and it was all stuck and his mum was trying to grab it back just really, really slowly and that was more upsetting than the womba video.

Well

I would steal a monkey but then I watched.

Have you seen that HBO documentary, Chimp Crazy?

No, not yet.

Oh it's amazing.

If you've got now TV or Sky, work up chimp crazy.

Have you seen that?

No, but I'm right into this.

It's like.

I'm getting home in the fucking water at work cooler to watch it.

Right.

It's about women who have chimps instead of babies and dress them up like little dolls.

And do you remember Travis the chimp that tore that woman's face?

Yes, yes.

Is that going to say Travis the band?

No.

So Travis the chimp, he was a pet chimp, and

this woman really loved him, but then he was going through a bad patch.

And the woman's friend came over to babysit the chimp, and she brought him a cuddle meat elmo toy.

He just went mental when he saw it and tore her face off.

So, there's a full episode about Travis's demise, and in the run-up to this all happening, he was eating a lot of junk food, he'd learned to like go to the fridge himself and put microwave meals in, He was drinking a lot of like very sweet tea.

Basically, they think processed food and Xanax, because he was taking Xanax as well.

Ripping this woman's face off.

It's insane.

Are you fucking Travis the monkey, man?

It's fucking wild.

I like a microwave meal and a bit of Xanax.

What's wrong with that?

No, honestly,

I fully think it's because of the food that he was eating.

Because before that, he was just a nice monkey that everyone loved.

My sister says that's the case for me with McCain's discontinued microbial chicken nuggets.

I used to eat them and it changed my life.

And now I'm trying to Google them and no

evidence exists that they were ever there.

And I'm like, have they deleted every mention of them because they ruined so many children's lives?

I have the same thing we're trying to find the mini chicken caves.

Apparently, they've changed the format.

Do you remember them?

They're not good anymore.

Because of the war?

Because of what?

The war?

The war?

The war?

Oh, fucking hell.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's why they don't have conflicts in the multi-pack little cereals for Kellogg's because a lot of the world's corn is grown in the Ukraine and because of the war they've had to reduce the amount of corn-based cereals in the multi-packs.

They've still got fucking multi-grain shapes.

I hate those fucking things.

When did we fucking become a podcast about arable farming?

What's a multi-grain shape?

It's the shittiest part of that multi-pack.

There's always two packs of this fucking inedible shrapnel.

And you've bought it because your kid wants fucking Cocoa Pops and also you want Coco Pops.

But you're left with a deficit of fucking horrible, inedible, fucking multi-grain shapes.

And gradually, over the course of your children's lives, that will fill up several cupboards.

And when you take it to the food bank, they give you a look.

It says they've got enough fucking multi-grain shapes.

That's like when people donate food to the Dogs Trust and it's chappy.

The Dogs Trust are like, you fucking scumbag.

So next one.

I would love to.

I mean, I love Edinburgh and Christopher and I think it's an absolutely cracking establishment.

The old.

It's fucking horrible.

It's fucking horrendous.

There's like a cage in there that's like some kind of big cat.

I went there and it's like a glass front tit and the cat had shat all over the glass and just kind of scrap like a dirty protest, like a fucking hunger strike.

Like they're not happy.

Let these fucking things go.

Yeah.

Not right through Edinburgh, right?

Although,

but you know,

it's not good, it's not good, but it's like

you just get heckled through your own punch line.

I fucking love that.

Somebody told me that they've discontinued the penguin parade.

Is this correct?

Still going?

Glad to hear it.

I am going for a colonoscopy next week and one...

This is a question.

I'm going for a colonoscopy next week and wondering whether it is appropriate to ask for them to do it harder.

Is this the guy from the first question?

This is my third colonoscopy and I am a bit bored of them.

I think if you're having to have regular colonoscopies all your worries will be over soon.

You know ask them for what you want.

Make a wish as you were.

Hello guillotine.

Hello.

I've recently connected with my dad after a five-year estrangement.

I'm quite tight with my partner's dad too, but the more time I spend with boomer men and their children, the more we've realized that our dads would all be classed as autistic.

I've got an autistic legend right here.

I've got two autistic legends right here.

I'm a secondary teacher, as are a few of my pals and partners.

So we've had a fair bit of training on neurodiversity, but we're by no means experts.

We have, however, noticed how the midlife crisis often comes across like an autistic obsession and compulsive behaviour, as well as noticing how our dads could give less of a shit about social niceties and have a massive issue adjusting to routines.

Is it just age and the post-war society they were born into?

Or have the transgression of all their old world boundaries in the modern day brought to the surface their stems and triggers?

Maybe get yourself checked out as well.

We've got a two-for-one deal going there.

Look, they're just boomers, they're just pricks.

They're just very selfish.

But you know what?

Like, see, even if you think that they are neurodivergent, you've got to ask yourself, neurodiversion or racist?

Every day you're going to pick the neurodivergence, right?

So just be fucking happy that there are no racists.

You've been messaging me about Frankie.

Yeah, but not in not like behind your back.

Just like an intervene.

Can you please kill him?

No, uh.

Well, no, I thought Frankie was autistic ages ago, just from a lot of things you said about.

I think you said stuff about like how you would be happy to be alone forever,

happy to be a hermit forever, or live in the forest, or something.

To be honest, that's kind of working out, you know,

like a lot of things like that made me uh think it.

Um, and then uh

uh

yeah, just your manner,

yeah.

My kids would back you up on this, you know, or they started diagnosing you as well.

They have a lot of, yeah, they have a lot of that.

Um, I was saying my son today, I got these new cupboards made, and I was like, one of those is like a centimetre lower than the other.

Do you think I should say something to the guy?

And he went, that's the most fucking autistic thing I've ever heard.

So, yeah, maybe, but I'm not going for the thing.

I mean, they can't do any of it, they'll just give you a list of books that you might enjoy.

There's nothing they can do.

The Lord of the Rings.

I don't really want to meet the guy.

Do you know what I mean?

I hate meeting people.

I sort of have to go for a sleep, yeah.

So, it's really that.

I just can't face talking to someone, not just about this, but most things.

You also are pals with a lot of autistic or ADHD women, I've noticed, and they end up seeking each other out

because I used to get that all the time.

I would be like,

think that I really liked someone, and then just realise that they were autistic, and that's why I felt immediately comfortable around them.

But in terms of the question about autistic dads, my dad definitely has it, and

he tends to communicate and facts, he just likes to exchange facts with you.

So, I'll phone him up, say something, and then he'll reply with something totally irrelevant, like Granda's getting his legs cut off.

That's what he's telling us.

Or he'll say like a mad thing at the end of a phone conversation as if it's just occurred to him.

So, you'll have a full chat and then he'll go, Oh, someone tried to murder Uncle Andrew with a brick the other day.

Anyway, bye.

But he doesn't.

Sometimes you have to go autistic or Scottish.

That was what I was going to say.

Yeah, it's taken me ages to work out, like, what, and especially West Lovian people as well, are quite strange.

For ages, I was like, What is autism and what is bathkate?

Yeah.

We got these crisps because Lorraine Kelly left them in the studio.

Alright.

Is she from Dundee?

No,

is she Dundee or Glasgow?

She's from Dundee.

Right.

A couple of

Lorraine Kelly heads over there being like Dundee.

Was she the guest on the other episode?

No, she's not.

When we do Dundee, Lorraine Kelly will be the guest

in Caird Hall.

How to get your dad a girlfriend after two failed marriages.

Which is it?

Well,

I don't know about getting your dad.

I mean, my dad's getting their legs, so

there's not really much to sell there for my dad.

I don't know if I'll ever have another girlfriend again.

To be honest, I'm probably the worst person to ask.

Wow.

Celebrate, Susie.

Nah,

I'll just not have a girlfriend.

Big shout out, Susie.

Son, if you're in showbiz and you're a thunder lesbian, you've got to go for it, haven't you?

Who's my competition?

Talks with Perkins and Kalman.

Fucking sit down.

We are the first Scottish podcast to start a beef with Susan Kalman, and I'm so.

We should be an explicitly anti-lesbian

but pro-LGBTQ podcast.

Should you really get involved in your dad's love life?

No.

That's the most fucking disgusting thing in the world.

Your dad fucking.

Remove yourself from that fucking arena.

Let him fuck if he can.

What are you doing holding your fucking dazzled boss?

Tell me this though, tell me this, if you're dating somebody, do you then introduce them to your adult children?

Oh, would would I?

Yes, because my children are nicer than me.

You know?

So it would be like, oh, look, he's kinda normal in a way, by proxy.

Fair.

Hello, here comes the guillotine.

I recently had a dream where Frankie saved me from being being attacked on a night.

Wasn't a dream, maybe.

And walked me all the way home from Edinburgh to Musselborough.

That was the dream.

Then was annoyed that he had walked all the way.

I love a walk.

As you know.

I do love a walk.

I thought I'd share, as Frankie said, he loves hearing people's dreams.

I do.

So, my question is: what is the weirdest, funniest dream you've had?

You ever had a fun dream?

You ever had a recurring dream?

I do have a recurring dream, which is the nicest thing in the world.

You know, people always say,

Oh, I have this fucking dream, it's terrible, and

it's always sharks, it's always whatever.

I have a recurring dream that I've had maybe half a dozen times that me and my dad go to see Billy Conley, and it's great.

It's just a lovely dream and every time I have it I wake up and I go, that was nice.

That's the most beautiful art forming thing I've ever heard in my life.

Probably means, you know.

Probably means something horrendous.

Frodie.

What about you?

I used to have a dream where

zombies would be chasing me and I would climb a pylon to get away from them but they would slowly start to climb up the pylon to get to me and then I would look in the mirror and I was Humpty Dumpty.

Where is this mirror?

At the top of the pylon?

At the top of the pylon in the same way that a budgie has a little mirror to keep itself entertained.

I had a dream pylon mirror and I'd go, I'm fucking humpty dumpty and then I'd wake up.

And it's because when I was a wee boy, I had a Humpty Dumpty doll who was a big plush Humpty Dumpty and his hat was crinkly and it was to teach you about different textures.

You ever had a dream, Susie?

I think you're fucking having a fever dream right now.

I often wonder if Humpty Dumpty killed himself.

He's had a great fall in the rhyme.

It doesn't say that he wanted putting Mac together again.

Leave the cunt.

That would be a nightmare.

Yeah, that's your worst nightmare.

A fucking horse has tried to stick me back together

with its hooves.

Yeah, it'd be shite if you committed suicide and then you got put back together and you just did an infinite loop of jump into your eggy death.

Maybe that's what the dream was.

I have a weird reoccurring dream where and I don't I've not had it for a wee while but um where I'm in a field with really, really tall flowers, and I just kind of lie there and watch the clouds, and that's it.

That is my

wake up, and I'm like, oh, that was good.

There's normally a fucking empty water cooler bowl mixed in, but

um,

just lying in a field, and I can feel it though, it's really vivid.

Like, I can feel it, I can feel like the itchy grass.

Oh, it's great.

What about you, Fenny?

I don't want to say it now.

Dreamed me and my boyfriend had a dead body in a wheelie bin.

I was so stressed about it because I was like, I can't murder someone because I've got to go on tour soon.

And I don't know why I've killed someone.

And the police were coming around looking for the body in the area.

And then my boyfriend was like, look, stay calm.

I'm very respectable.

So they're never going to believe that we've got a body in the bin.

So I've dreamed that.

And I did another stressful dream where I shacked a dinosaur once.

and

I died.

What type of dinosaur was it?

I think it was just a classic T-Rex but I don't like dinosaurs so I didn't like it.

And then

wouldn't it be great if four play a T-Rex?

We hands.

What colour of bin did you put the body in?

It was no, this is it was the green recycling bin and I don't know if that was the right one.

Yeah, the food my food waste one's tiny so no

um and I had a nightmare that um no I can't say that one.

I was gonna make a dug at a comedian and I can't say that

why not?

No no

oh okay we can edit it out because we need to go back and take the Charlie Hepto stuff out anyway.

No no do the next

this is kind of a

strand that was picked up on earlier.

Maybe you'll have a view on this fan.

So, serious question.

If a hairy guy shaves his balls, where's the best place to stop?

It's difficult.

Do you rip it off as far as your toes

or end up looking like a minor?

I don't know if you mean a minor like a Maggie Thatcher minor, or

this is a reverse non scenario, but

what do you think?

My dad always had this thing.

He would say, not about this topic, but

I've got quite a hairy back, like my upper shoulders are quite hairy, which really fucking annoys me because I can't grow any facial hair.

But my shoulders look like I'm growing a fucking natural cape.

So thick and dense.

And I would always say to my dad when he was giving a shot back inside, I'm like, how far down could you go?

And he always goes, underneath your collar is for your beautician,

but above that is for your barber.

What do you think?

What do you think, people?

You don't like cutting them at all?

No,

not at all, not at all.

What?

Not even a trim with secateurs.

Oh, time to get a fucking razor out and start shaving my fucking balls.

I mean, what the fuck is going on?

Who's seeing these fucking things?

Your sexual partners, Frankie.

Exactly.

What do you think about body hair and stuff, Susie?

Can I be honest?

I'm kind of old school.

I like every bit of something there because I like to know that I'm sleeping with a fucking adult.

Yeah.

See that whole fucking no, there's nothing.

There's fuck off.

That is creepy as fuck.

Innit like, like, you want to know.

What is your take on pupils?

Yeah, same as Susie.

I think it's fucking.

I can understand that you might trim

and just kind of have a bit of grooming and just tidy it up.

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe I'm the odd one out.

I'm like a fucking dolphin down there, man.

I think it's just your age, son.

Get me in with the penguins and Christophen, man.

I'm

slick.

Although,

there's quite a few women in this audience tonight, right?

And I think that we can all acknowledge that once you get into your 40s,

you're fucking everywhere.

You've got hair.

And yeah, places that you never had hair before, suddenly you're shaving your fucking back.

Well, where do you get like the pubes coming out of the back?

What the fuck is that?

When did that happen?

Fucking thigh pubes

and fucking hairy toes.

I was like, the other day I was like, I've got fucking hair on my toes, like like a fucking hobbit.

When did that fucking thing happen?

But it's the same for men, it's just nature's way of going, look, you've got older, you're disgusting, let's hide this.

Let everybody just look like a fucking greying shuttlecock of hair.

I've got hairy toes

and it's on it's the thickest, blackest hair.

It's like a fucking spider's underneath the toe.

He's just sticking his legs out like that, like

a daddy long legs or something.

Is it your full foot or just your toes?

Just my toes.

Just the toes.

Yeah.

Maybe it's the podcast.

How's yours toes, Frankie?

Like a fucking hobbit.

Yes!

We were just saying backstage there's all these amazing posters for other stuff that's been here.

So it's Joseph and the Technical Dream Cool, The Rocky Picture Show,

The Rocky Horror Show, sorry.

And then one of them,

The Hobbit, was here, and you were saying you were at the Lord of the Rings musical.

I was at the Lord of the Rings musical lasted four hours and it was shot.

Fucking hell.

It was a disaster.

That makes Les Miz sound like a fucking laugh.

Four hours.

Yeah.

A musical version of Lord of the Rings.

On a giant hydraulic stage, it cost like millions and millions of pounds and it closed in like a month.

Fuck.

It's not really something where you imagine people busting into song that much.

Do you know what I mean?

As soon as the fucking Nasgull starts singing,

this isn't going to work out.

How do you feel about the episodes where Frankie talks about Lord of the Rings?

I hated Lord of the Rings at school.

Fuck.

My favourite bits of the podcast is

anytime you talk about Donegal,

because I used to go there all the time when I was away.

the sectarianism, like I said, and just the unexpected insight into Frankie's dating life, which I just don't think would have happened if this podcast hadn't started.

I'd love to have some insight into my dating life.

I'm flying blind.

But you never talked about stuff like that on stage in your stand-up, and now it's like you know.

Now I'm just dissolving like someone with fucking Alzheimer's in a fucking kettle.

All fucking spooling out.

This would kind of sum up, maybe, as a last question.

They have said, not really sure what to say here.

I guess, as a funny story, me and my girlfriend were recently last week almost kicked out of an Amsterdam hotel room because we were belting out, come out, you black and tans

while doing it up the arse on St.

Paddy's Day,

good show would come again.

Thank you so much.

We should probably get a picture of this because producer Andy's.

Oh, yeah, we're going to get a wee picture, but can I just say we weren't sure if anybody would come see us do the podcast live, so it means a lot these came out.

And thank you so much, Veebean.

Here comes Guillotine.

Thanks to Fairm!

Thank Fairm!

Come out, come out, Andy.

Producer Andy, who we think looks like a young Babel John.

Hey, how you doing?

Producer Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.