The Mailbag: Late Night Frankie II

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes.

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of my two co-hosts are indisposed and I'm doing it in the style of a late-night radio DJ.

I'm here with producer Andy

and we're going to answer your problems.

We're going to untie and unpack your pain.

Email hctg at global.com.

Nice, professional.

Have you ever seen Escape to Victory?

Oh yeah, classic, classic.

Much show it to Thor actually, in case you've ever seen it.

Have you ever seen A Shot of Glory?

Yeah, well I tried to watch it,

but it's so, so terrible.

It's really difficult to even find amusing.

My favourite bit of it is when they superimpose a Celtic strip onto the Rangers team from the 90s.

It was quite funny.

It is quite funny.

And I guess they did it to get a few headlines or something.

I don't know.

But it's unbelievably terrible.

How did it ever get made?

It must have been during that time when when

Longest Yard was getting maybe like those American-style films.

Remember the Titans came out, they're like, let's do a football one.

Yeah, Robert Duval

steered it, I guess.

But I mean, Michael Keaton.

Michael Keaton, what the fuck does he do?

He's clearly not there.

So they've got the

set

somewhere that's the director's box type thing.

Yeah.

And Michael Keaton pops in and does that.

Presumably in LA or something.

I mean

but

see like doing things where you write some writer drama I think at the moment but like

all the notes that things go through and I know we see all these depictions of like people in studios and whatever as dafties and stuff but they're really not so they're like often you know they're just trying to get this thing right and you know I've done documentaries where you know the say the person from the BBC coming in is like they they'll be a filmmaker.

You know, then they're headed headed dogs because they were a documentarian, or you know, and probably go back to that.

And, like, you know,

they're really good and they'll give you good advice often.

And then, how does something like that then get through?

Where people go, yeah, that's fine, that scene's fine.

Yeah, yeah, we'll get Alan McGoyst.

Well,

just do Hookambian.

You're just like, how did that

happen?

You know?

I mean, I'm glad it did.

It's a I mean,

it's something.

It's something to watch for.

It's on YouTube.

Is it?

Yeah, you can watch it on YouTube.

Maybe I watched it on YouTube.

Yeah.

But I didn't finish it.

I mean, it's so terrible.

You mean you don't know what happened at the end?

They lost in the final.

They pulled a gritna, essentially.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just,

why is Scottish culture so bare?

Why is there so little stuff?

Why is, you know,

RTV the great Scottish Escape or Scotland's best country house or there's like a hundred shows that are like just people going around houses you know like

I mean there's so much more to people here and culture here

than what we see on television or in I mean in film is like why isn't there more Scottish film

I'm interested in watching that

Gallic crime drama based up in the Hebrides.

Alright, I I don't know about this.

I'm pretty sure it was BBC that did it, and it's called The Island, but

it's done in Gaelic as well as English.

So, I believe it's a PC comes up from Central Belt and goes to the islands.

Very the Wicker Man.

Yes, and then it carries on.

I'm sure there's a murder or two.

It's Shetland, but set on Lewis, I believe.

Do you know they did a

They did a thing that's sort of like that, but it's like Argentina did a thing, a film, and this caused a massive outrage.

It's caused a lot of diplomatic problems but

an Argentine filmmaker goes to the Falklands which Argentina claim is theirs right which you know obviously it should be and they they fire over and they film this thing and it's it's that's a plot except he fucks all the women because the women are all really loose right

and it was called Fucklands.

What's the Spanish for that then?

I know, I mean, I know, why was it called Fucklands?

I guess they know it's called Falklands in English, and for them it's Los Malvinas or whatever, isn't it?

But you know, what about a Scottish equivalent of that?

Well, I mean, there is an island called Muck, so they could just do fuck.

Sure.

Could just go around.

Big trass.

Yeah.

Or you could just put porn into, um, Shetland.

You know, that that show you could just splice it in

and then

get body doubles or whatever.

Have you really wanted that in your life?

The, um reason I brought up Escape to Victory, it's the next question is about that.

So we have

Hello folks.

Thanks for the podcast.

Brightens my day when the app tells me a new episode has dropped.

Our problem pertains to the 1981 classic Escape to Victory starring John Wark and Pele.

So, for people who don't know, that would be quite an alarming sentence.

But there was a movie where Sylvester Stallone is the goalkeeper.

I mean, like, any detail you give is deeply disturbing.

But lots of famous footballers were in a kind of

Second World War movie about a football team trying to escape a prison camp.

Michael Caine, as well.

Michael Kane

was left back, I think.

Yeah, great performance as a

Sylvester Stallone as a Canadian trooper.

Injured, but not a footballer.

Yeah, he played in goal, I think.

Yeah.

It goes on.

I've seen the film must be 30 times.

Sometimes not start to finish, but just coming across it on Channel 5.

and ITV4.

My issue lies with Pele's overhead kick.

I'm unable to stop myself from crying when I see it, not uncontrollably.

I can even keep it silent, but proper crying with real tears.

I'm unsure whether it's because of Pele's bravery, struggling back onto the pitch with his suspected broken ribs, the beauty of the goal itself, or the humanity of the Nazi colonel standing to applaud the goal.

Or is there another deep-seated, more sinister reason behind my silent tears?

I was five when the film was released and probably saw it over 20 times before I was 11.

Should I look into whether there is, as I say, a more sinister reason behind my weird emotional response to this on-screen goal or just enjoy the cathartic release?

Thanks for the pod and any advice you might give.

Best

John.

I think it's because you realize at that point where you're located in the film, right?

Pele

is in itself, you know, he is in himself a story worthy of tears.

You know, he's a wee guy from a favela who pretty much reinvents football.

There's things Pele did that still people can't really do in football anymore.

He's as good at football as Rudolf Nunev was.

at dancing, right?

So anything of Pele playing football has a kind of of majesty to it but where are you in that story you are the Nazi you know you are part of our modern

you know who won the Second World War it wasn't partisans who were fighting against Nazis you know they all got fucking executed and suppressed as the

Western powers came in and imposed people who used to be in the Nazis on top of those societies, you know.

And when they got to places where the fucking Nazis had killed everybody, like it or the Nazis had all been killed by the populations, like in when they got to the south of Italy

and they just fucking lined all those people up against the wall and shot them and they couldn't be in the Nazis, they b they put in the mob, you know.

So that at that point when Pelley scores that overhead kick, I think you realise the whole of post Second World War history has been a lie.

And that's why you that's why you cry because you realize you are the fake Nazi colonel.

Or maybe he's a disenfranchised Rangers fan, and he's never going to see a moment like that for his own team.

Or just hates black people.

Yes.

Late night.

Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Boyle.

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