Here Comes The Guillotine: Live in Glasgow - Part 2

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hey, how you doing?

This is producer Andy, and you're listening to Here Comes the Guillotine live with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd from March during the Glasgow International Comedy Festival at the SEC Arbadillo with special guest Des Clark.

Hope you enjoy.

Please put your hands together for Susie McCain, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, and Frankie Boyle.

Here comes the Galaxy.

Yes,

that was me.

Welcome to the stage.

Multi-talented.

We are back.

Did you just have a good break?

Okay, we promised a special guest.

We actually have none other than two special guests.

Whoa, please welcome the stage with the laptop for the mailbag.

Put your hands together for Babel Joe!

Right, I'll see you later.

He's looking well, the big man.

He's looking great.

It keeps you fit, you know.

Serial killer?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, big tight.

Strangling women in a taxi takes the years off you.

Yeah.

With their tights as well, so we'd need to get them off and then.

It's a fucking proper Scottish serial killer, isn't it?

Using public transport.

Not even a van.

I don't need a van.

Let me have them.

Give me the number for a private hire.

Are we doing the mailbag first?

Am I not supposed to?

No.

No.

Take our guest on.

That's right.

Thank you.

Just do the orders and get all our special guests.

I would like to introduce this gentleman, who I have introduced on many stages, on many occasions.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the paedophile, serial killer, and shapeshifter, Des Clark.

Thanks for joining us, Des, and thanks for coming in your base form.

I can't even believe you agreed to this.

Every week you get called a shapeshifter.

Yep.

Other things.

And you've agreed to come on and do this live?

I don't know why I've agreed to it either.

When I was told backstage, just hang back, you'll be following Bible John.

Immediately, I regretted the booking.

And the most common comment I get is: I can't believe they call you a shapeshifter.

Like, the other stuff's alright.

When I came in here tonight, me and you were doing the sound check and you were telling me about your last gig in here.

Could you please share it with the audience?

They asked, so obviously, they've asked if we've done gigs before and seen gigs.

So, I have seen a gig here, and I've seen two gigs here and I've performed at one.

The gig that I saw was Panto.

It was the Crankies.

Was it the Beanstalk fallen one?

No, it wasn't the Beanstalk.

We were all waiting for that because, forget Jackie and Assis, that was her JFK moment.

When Jeanette Cranky fell off the beanstalk in Panto, it was...

We gave her cowpole.

She was fine in the morning.

That was her 9-11.

That was her, mate.

The second cranky has gone, Mr.

President.

But

bizarrely, I got a press ticket and I was standing there watching her sat beside Ali McCoist.

It was the most Scottish experience

of my life.

And then the other gig was the one that I did, which was called the Caratas Awards, which was a gig for the Scottish Catholic community.

No Ali McCoyst at that one, no?

Afraid he couldn't make that one.

No, he was on a very long walk.

We had drum at that point.

Front row was all bishops.

And off the back of that,

I don't know if I've even had a chance to tell you this.

I got offered.

Did you remember there was a gig?

Shut the fuck up.

You can't.

We haven't sold out.

There's 200 seats left.

I'm a Perry Menopausal lesbian, I'm knowing the fucking wood for you, son.

If you really want to join in, jump.

Samaritans, WW

So anyway, it's lovely.

Are you dead yet?

Are the crankies still alive?

Aye, aye, aye, still swinging their way.

That was the very liveliest thought I was having there.

Are they out?

Yes, swingers.

Yes.

Holy fuck.

Yep.

I think they live in Australia now.

Oh?

I'm going over next week.

They'll love you.

about coming.

You might be able to fit in to your out

thank you very much for joining us, Des Clark.

Why have you gone Colombo?

One more thing.

My my wife loves breaking the news, Des.

She never stops talking about Des, Doz, and BBC Scotland.

We are gonna be answering some mailbackings.

Is that all right?

You go do what you need to do, mail.

Somebody has said, Why is there no merch for these shows?

I was ready to spunk 60 quid on a cum hoodie.

And that's why there is no merch.

If you think I'm putting my name to a cum hoodie,

you've got another thing coming, quite literally.

It's because we're too scared of selling out, you know.

Sold out.

I'm fucking doing this cum-themed podcast

for 80 quid a fucking week.

We've discussed this.

You were on TV recently, and it's this.

How's this selling out?

This is the lowest point in your career, isn't it?

The last

if only, if only this,

you know, this is a little uptick, if anything.

The last time I was on TV, I did The Last Leg,

which is a show on Channel 4.

I'm always aware, no one who comes to see me has ever fucking heard of this show.

But it's a well-meaning, kind of centrist

TV show.

And they're all very nice, a nice place to fucking go and do the gig.

And I thought, I want to go and do some jokes about Gaza, about Israel, all that stuff.

And

the first joke, you you could see the camera start to move.

Like, you could see it, just someone is screaming in the fucking girl, like, get off this fucking guy.

And I was trying to build up, so I had a final joke at the end, which was going to be: I don't see why children in Gaza are getting killed in maternity hospitals, are getting killed in nursery schools, are getting killed at primary, and why they don't get to grow up like American children and go to school and get shot there.

The fucking sail out.

Yeah, we never got that far.

I would love to see Josh Whedicomb respond to that.

Oh, wow.

Imagine radicalising them.

Yeah, politics in Britain really changed under Josh Whedicomb's ISIS.

So, yeah, what kind of merch should we have?

I don't know.

60 quid on a Kumhoodie.

I could just do one if you want.

I mean,

we can sell like your specs, like little copies of your specs in your V-hats.

Like 3D glasses, but they don't dain.

I know with your actual lenses in them, fuck's sake.

I'm always worried because these glasses are so thick.

I think my prescriptions may be worse than yours, Frankie, but I'm always scared the sun's going to hit me the wrong way,

and it'll be like my eyes are ants being burned alive in my head,

and that's why I don't leave the house.

I've kind of got to that stage of being old when I have to take my glasses off to read

because I'm really only weak in one eye.

I should kind of wear a monocle,

but I'm just too easily surprised.

Please,

please start wearing a honicle.

Please.

See, to be fair, I can vouch for this, right?

So we were at the football the other day.

Les said about that, the fucking better.

Or we were right beside them.

We were right beside the away fans, Frank Kate.

The away fans,

because we can't fucking edit it when they're there.

And we were right beside them, and I was there with a friend, and obviously my other friend, Frank Kate, and I said, right, you're the row in front, you're the row in front.

We are KK, ironically, next to the away fans.

And then

you're Jai Jai.

And when I got to the seat, I was like, he's in the wrong row.

And then I looked at you on your phone, and it was the funniest thing because you had your glasses on your head, and you were just like this.

And I'm like, what the fuck is he doing?

And you were zooming in and taking pictures.

And I was like, he's a fucking full-blown nana.

It was also like a 10-year-old boy's seat.

I looked like a fucking beast.

But to be fair, that kid then came into the game and he is a full-blown football hooligan.

He's only about 10, wouldn't he?

He was just like this the whole game.

I thought, see if I had a son.

But that big guy.

Can I just say this is brilliant?

I think I've won a competition to be here.

So does Christopher.

There are a lot of competition winners in our crowd

I used to be a glasses wearer and I don't know Specky

well in this problem

This feeds into the intro because I remember at school I had just whatever the big kind of gold frame glasses that you got as standard at that age and a guy stood up in the class and pointed at me and shouted

fucking Rose West.

Wow.

Big glasses are back in fashion.

No,

that stays with you.

I know, man.

I've got birth specs, but I didn't want to come on tonight wearing glasses so that we didn't look fucking related

because that's what we're morphing into.

Myra Henley had beautiful hair.

She looked like a candy floss lady or something like buffon.

She had that glamour

anyway.

Next place.

You never took any of that ADHD medication today, did you?

What's the best way to tell your girlfriend you've accidentally killed her hamster?

I don't think any of us should be given relationship advice, I'm just putting it out there.

Can I say, I've got this one?

No, no.

I've got this one.

No.

As a dad.

You nearly went on a date with a Nazi, I don't think.

I didn't.

I didn't even get a fucking date with a Nancy.

I think you nearly did.

I didn't even get a date with a Nazi.

As a dad, I would say buy a new hamster.

You know, hamsters, they look very fucking similar.

People are stupid.

They're fucking under sawdust for about 23 hours a day.

Just get another one and say, yeah, he does look a bit different.

Do you know what I mean?

He's the fucking Des Clark of the Hamster one, This guy,

I'll take that.

I killed a hamster Baxton when I was a wee guy.

His name was Eddie.

He was named after Eddie Guerrero, the wrestler, because he would like to do the frog splash from one level of his cage to another.

Eddie Guerrero also sadly died that IP to both of them.

But yeah, he didn't.

Eddie Guerrero died because his heart exploded.

Eddie died because I was emptying his igloo that he lived in into the bin and I forgot to check if he was inside it or not.

And I just dumped him in the bin.

But I think he's there's a chance he's alive and thriving somewhere out there.

King of the dump like stick.

Amazing.

You're never short of surprises.

Christopher, we were all for announcing guests, right?

We were all for announcing it, so you'd be like, oh, that's really cool, and that'll be great.

And Chris was like, no, no, no.

Let's keep it as a surprise for the audience.

And some of you may remember, give me the laptop, Christopher.

Just hand it over.

Hang hand it over.

Sorry?

Take my laptop off.

Don't you worry, son.

Give me that.

You love a wee surprise, and you made a bold statement on the podcast that you were a spelling bee champion.

BBC Hard Spell with Emma Holmes.

Me and Frankie thought, you know what, like any parents, we show an interest in our child's education and we would like them to set a test.

So, Des, our friend Des of the Show, is going to shapeshift into a game show host, Christopher.

And you are going to be doing a spelling bee this evening.

But

not only are you doing a spelling bee just you and Des, no, no, no, Christopher, we have got you a competitor.

We have got someone to challenge you.

So, in true silver black style, surprise, surprise, please welcome it to

the stage, Isaac,

You sit in Desi C Isaac.

He's

almost no size difference.

How old are you?

14.

I'm 31, it doesn't get better.

It's nice to meet you.

This might be the absolute highlight of our comedy case.

How experienced are you as a speller?

Am I dreaming this?

No,

not one edible has been dropped.

This is actually happening.

Des has now shapeshifted into full game show host.

What the fuck?

Please welcome to the Here Comes the Guillotine spelling be: it's Isaac versus Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

so first of all, Isaac, welcome to the Spelling Bee.

How are you?

What have you been up to this week then?

Oh, I've been so busy, mate.

You know, I've been on the Nintendo Switch, I've been watching a bit of Game of Thrones.

Oh, and I had a great sausage supper.

Great.

How's the iron?

How's the iron brew coming along?

Is that doing well for you?

I mean, an

iron brew a day keeps the dentist away.

There you go.

And what about your reading?

Are you reading much at the moment?

Oh, I just like to get my head into a good manga.

You know, I'm a bit of anime.

Keep me going.

How are you feeling, Christopher?

You're right, mate?

I just feel like I'm having a panic attack.

Okay, let's crack on with the spelling bee.

First up, we're going to have Isaac.

So, Isaac, this is your moment, my friend.

Let's make some noise for Isaac for his first work here.

Isaac, the word is apostolic.

Apostolic.

A

P

O S T

O L I C That's the right answer.

Well done Isaac

1 0

Good luck mate.

This is every fever dream you've ever had.

Christopher MacArthur Boyd, spell the word catechism.

We've chosen Catholic words to make it difficult for you.

Also, if you get it wrong, Isaac can steal

what?

Your dignity.

Catechism.

Catechism.

C

A

T

A

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, walk back to your Church of Scotland shame

crying into his heathen pulpit.

That is not the right answer.

Isaac, I can ask you.

I mean, I would look over your shoulder for a wee fucking clue, big man, but go for it, catechism.

Do you want to steal it?

I'm all right, actually.

Thanks.

Passing in that one.

CAT, well, it's up there anyway, right?

Isaac, here's the next one that you've practiced.

This is benediction.

B

E

N

E

D

Could you repeat, please?

Yep.

It's benediction.

It's that one we talked about.

Aye.

B-E-N-E-D-I-C-T-I-O-N.

Is the right answer, my friend.

Two, no.

There we go, Christopher.

Christopher, and here you come back.

This is a nice, sweet, easy one for you.

Let's switch it up there.

And the word is, oh,

thank you, how are you saying this?

Circum in session

to do with the life cycle of the soul.

Succumb in session.

Sorry, it's circum in session.

Circum in session.

It's papist nonsense.

A phrase not said aloud since the death of Ian Paisley.

Come on, you've got this.

Circumcession.

Circum in session, I'm giving you a sign.

Circum in session.

Go for it.

C-C-I-R-C-U-M-I-N-C-E-S-I-O-N.

Oh, no.

Tut, tut.

Unlucky.

Isaac, do you fancy stealing it?

No.

Fair enough.

You're just missing the one S there.

So it's still 2-0 to Isaac.

Okay, your next word is up, and it's what is this?

Novitiate?

Oh no.

Oh you've got all right.

N-O-V-I-T-I-A-T-E.

That is bang on.

Well done.

3-0.

Christopher, back up.

There's only 43 more words to go.

After which you'll make your first communion.

Son, you'll be brilliant.

Right.

This one is iconic and goes to the very heart of the faith of the Roman Catholic Church.

This is transubstantiation.

It's a biggie.

It's a biggie, Chris.

It's the belief that the

I know what transubstantiation means.

Could you use it in a sentence with a bit?

Transubstantiation.

T-R-A-N-S.

Come on.

No.

Okay, we need

T R A N S U B

S

T

A

N

C

Y

I

A

T

I

ON TRANSUSUBSTAY

I'M A CAPLIC DINA!

I'm a real Catholic Dino.

It's a miracle.

And there we go.

One point back for newly christened bead rattler Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Isaac, step up.

And I mean, it's an almost unassailable lead, but we'll just continue the pretense here.

Beatification.

go on

B

E A

T

I

F I C A T I O N.

What a guy, what a win in the spelling bee.

Well done.

Do you want to do the next one, Christopher?

Come on, right, let's go for it.

Pets back.

You're back up, mate.

Now you've been newly ordained, possibly a contender for the new Pope.

I've seen Conclave.

It's now con.

Is it concupiscence?

Concupiscence?

Yeah.

Do you want?

What's the definition of that?

What's a concupiscence?

Concupiscence.

Come on, you've got this.

Concube.

Like concubine.

Abject.

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

It's a bit sexual.

C-O-Concupiscence.

C-O-N-C-U-B.

It was all going so well.

I think I'm going to have to forfeit the competition.

I don't think I've got it in me.

We're looking for a P instead of a B, and it's another phrase for strong sexual desire.

Why are you locking your eyes up like that?

You're showing heavy concupiscence right now.

I'm just waiting for the piss to hit my face, and I wake up and I'm 14 years old, old in a skate park.

It was a dream.

We've got a couple left, they're both Latin.

Do you want to go for them, or do you want to run this up the road?

Who was pissing in your face at 14?

The guy in the skate park?

Of course.

We never established the positioning if he was above him or not.

We don't, we'll never know.

Do you want to do a bit of Latin, Isaac, just to rub it right into him?

Right.

I think this will be the last word.

Dio Gratius.

Well,

D

E O

G

R A T

I S.

Oh.

Unbelievably, I'm going to have to ask Christopher, would you like to steal the point from the child?

If I get it right, they'll take all the marbles.

The marbles could be yours.

I don't know how to spell that.

Not a chance.

You were nearly there.

It was one litre away.

We're looking for IES at the end.

But what a performance.

Well done, Isaac.

Good on you.

You want to call it Susie?

Is that out?

We're done.

Folks, we've got a presentation for young Isaac here.

He's won the Here Comes the Guillotine Spelling Bee Championship 2025.

Let's see that after Isaac!

Well done, Dez.

What just happened?

You lost a spelling beat, yeah.

Who was that?

Dunno.

It was great to see Des in his game show form.

I felt really comfortable.

Bible, John.

What's the password to your laptop?

Tights.

Menstruations.

Spelling.

Are you messaging him?

Oh,

they'll rye for life.

Or that's a separate text

from somewhere else.

Okay, sorry.

Nobody's doing this.

Where is Bible John?

No, it's okay, I've got it.

Dow Rye

for

life.

What's happening now?

Do you have a password?

He's trying to unlock the computer.

It's just a matter of time.

Where he comes, you're getting murdered.

Straight through the bars.

Here he is.

Type it in.

Bible, John.

Set a type of hold your action your neck.

Here's a quick wee bit of the Bible, Christopher.

Right.

Goliath challenges Israel.

I fucking wish he would.

Jesus Christ.

Bit of wisdom for the Bible.

Thank you very much.

Breaking news.

Right, Jesus.

This night's taking a turn.

I just didn't expect to be doing a spelling B.

And honestly, that first spelling B I did when I was a wee boy, it was one of the most scarring moments of my life, so I really feel quite traumatised.

But listen, fuck up.

Fucking dry your eyes and do the mailbag.

People have got real problems.

Try to disguise their girlfriend's dead hamster.

You're moaning about having to spell transubstantiation.

How do I tell my flatmate to stop smoking weed because he's off sick from work with depression and hasn't made an effort to better himself whilst he's been off work, sitting around, hiding in his room.

Love the podcast, guys, Dave.

Fuck up, Dave.

I know.

I hope Dave's that guy that should have jumped off the top.

Jesus Christ.

Why don't you do some self-improvement, Dave?

You fucking whining bee bastards.

Dave, you have the problem.

This guy guy has the fucking solution.

Yeah.

The problem is work.

The answer is drugs.

Have you ever dabbled in hash, Diz?

No.

Fucking Columbo here.

My wife loves hash.

She's got a bung in the house, you know.

So.

Do you think Columbo even had a wife?

No.

He was just fucking me, people.

Yeah.

He was married to murder.

Solving murder problems.

Maybe he was doing the murders and then he was coming up with the perfect frame.

Was it because you saw the fucking murder at the start?

You think?

This is what happens when you fucking take drugs as an adult.

This.

There'd be a good show where it was like Columbo with Alzheimer's.

Was that no Quincy?

He's kind of fucking a bit towards the end.

Do you know that episode of Columbo where it's like the 90s and everybody's raving and he's just cutting a boot with grey hair going, what is this?

Ecstasy?

These kids take these pills.

I don't know.

Shag, Marry, Kill, Des Clark, Prudence Randy, or Bible John.

Someone has

predicted the future.

I would

marry Producer Andy.

He's lovely.

I would kill Babo John

and I'd shag you.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Why would you not marry me?

You're too busy.

You can't have two stars.

We've got to be a power couple day or something.

You know, Andy's a more behind the scenes guy, and that's a bit of balance.

I would shag Babel John

to death.

Do you know what I mean?

Which I think would be a poetic end

for him.

I would marry Dez because I feel if I just had the sex with Des, I would always miss it.

And what's the other option?

I was just

Andy.

And kill someone.

I've got to kill Andy.

Sorry, Andy, but that's

the way my fucking needs work.

We just gave him his Christmas present the night, and now you're going to kill him.

Exactly, that's how you do it.

You go here, you go, and while the pig is down eating the stuff off the ground, you put a fucking bullet in his head.

Special treat for you, special meal.

Same on death row.

What would your death row meal be?

Cork.

Do you know what?

I've never tried it.

Why am I the guy who gets named the cum guy?

You're shagging Bible John to death and eating cock in a jail.

You offered to spunk in a hoodie.

I did do that, yeah.

It was requested in the email.

Someone scanned a QR code to ask me if I would.

Which is awesome.

What about you?

Shag Marry Kill Dez.

Right, so I'm murdering Bible John.

Cool.

Right, because he needs leathered.

I'm marrying Des because he's Dez and we'd have a right old laugh.

And you know what?

We don't need to have the sex because we're married, because that's the rules, isn't it?

And then,

oh God.

I suppose I'd sleep with Producer Andy, but it would feel morally wrong because I'd be cheating on Dez.

But he's such a lovely guy, I think he would just let me be a little spoon.

Because I love being a little spoon.

I don't think

I don't think I could be Little Spoon with this, so I would maybe be getting that way handy.

I think it'd really freak Scottish show business out if you two got married.

Fuck it, they've cancelled River City.

Anything can happen now.

Yeah, River City is cancelled.

Yeah, next September, River City's fucking

in the river.

Yeah, fuck a bag of cats.

Why not kill them off at the end?

Why not have a fucking modern Bible Joan come

and gradually whittle the fucking cast down over the last couple of months until it's just two fucking cunts?

Who's in it?

Shellsuit Bob.

Shellsuit Bob and some other cunts stuck in a room together like a fucking Samuel Beckett play, waiting for Bible John modern person to come through the fucking windows.

While we try and work out how to fix an electric car because Shell Suit Bob's a mechanic, there's your fucking artwork, it's beautiful.

And the giant SEC armadillo robot rips a roof off and just eats them all.

I've watched me and Susie we went on a mini break

to the Highlands and

Susie had to go into a gig, as she often does, and I watched River City for her and wrote up a synopsis

of the episode.

It was very good.

It was very good.

And to be fair, I hadn't seen that programme in a long time, but I knew exactly who every character was.

It was very good.

We also had a romantic,

we had a little pattern.

I would get up, Frankie would get up, I would make breakfast, we'd go out, we'd do something, whatever.

We'd come back, we'd sit in the hot tub.

We were a total couple, right?

We'd sit in the hot tub, we'd have a chat, we'd drink a diet iron brew, and then we would watch Limbs in the Lock

about William Begg, the serial killer.

It was December, we had a roaring fire, we were on a sofa together just watching Limbs in the Lock.

It was a lovely time,

very special.

What was it a doom?

A hot tub makes anything relaxing.

Do you know what I mean?

You can go, a homosexual serial killer is leather to you guy.

Dump these limbs in a fucking lock.

Look at how shite the police have been trying to catch him.

You were offered the chance to come and you went, no, no, guys, I'm going to London.

And we went, fuck you.

Like, live.

It's just

give him a hole.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Fucking hell, man.

Evening, I am a face painter, and every so often I get contacted by a man wanting me to paint an elephant with his trunk.

What can I do to put his gas at a peep?

What does that mean to put gas at a peep?

It means fucking pipe down.

It means like you relax, put your gas at a peep.

He's a face painter, and the guy wants him to paint an elephant weasel.

Right.

Have you ever had your face painted, Frankie?

Oh, lots of times.

As a parent.

Of course, I've got all kinds of fucking whacket crap on there.

But someone to paint my cock and balls to look like an elephant,

they already look so like an elephant

that I would feel cheated having to fucking, you know, I could do that myself.

It's minimal updates required to get this to pass.

I fully expect a picture of this in the future tomorrow.

I told you I could do it myself.

Horrible way to find out your pal's cock's grey.

What a way for me to go, fuck it, it's like Chewbacca in the winds.

The tusks were a surprise.

Cubic tusks.

You ever had your face painted, Diz?

Can I just say,

I work for Global Radio that makes this podcast.

I get pulled into meetings all the time going, Diz, why can't we get a sponsor for Here Comes the Guillotine?

We just need to get a fucking good face paint.

I'm going to sound it.

I've not had my face painted, I don't think.

I can't recall that I have.

Is that the end of the chat?

Do you want me to open a door for you and claim I have had it done?

I've had my cock painted to look like an elephant.

What do you want?

I don't know.

You're looking at the laptop for inspiration here.

Well, it's just, if you had the tusks when people spawn on you,

you might blind them.

Yeah,

unfortunately, yeah.

You'd have to have a kind of retractable tusk, yeah, you know, it would be the cock that would never forget.

Makes you feel bad for like

wild boar

because they never get to kiss, really, will they?

They hurt the other person, they hurt the other boar.

I feel that I've really got anything to contribute to this part of the show.

Have we answered the question?

Have we?

You never had your face painted?

I, but I really feel that the elephant, its tusks.

This guy's a face painter, and he's like, I want to come around and paint your cock.

No,

this guy

is what is getting in touch with the face painter, saying, Any chance you could do me an elephant using my cock as a trunk?

Oh, I see.

Because, you know, that's no weird.

Imagine, right?

I mean, obviously, it's been a few years since I've done it, right?

But imagine you're unbuckling a guy's trousers and there's fucking Nelly looking at you.

No,

no, Nellie the elephant, not Nelly the RB singing.

He's getting hot in

I take up all my clothes,

and it pimples like an elephant.

He was having a fever tree red.

I remember one time, this isn't really related, I suppose, but

I remember one time I was having a wank at my

when I was about 17.

My mum and dad, I was up in my room, and my dad, and he knock on the door, and he just came in, and he went, oh fuck.

And then he went downstairs.

And like, I had a pal, I've always had Catholic pals, right?

And

thankfully, a ruby may have a career, Frankie.

I've always enjoyed the company of Catholics, right?

And my pal.

You sound like a fucking missionary.

Yeah.

Fucking John Knott sitting here.

It's not that I don't like you, Catholics.

I've got Catholic pals, but I've got a new religion.

So my pal.

Connor,

he was of that persuasion also.

Gordon was a Catholic.

Oh, Connor.

Oh, I.

Makes sense.

1N.

And he.

And wouldn't they stop bragging about your fucking spelling noob?

What a listen this is going to be for

head branch at Global.

So my pal Connor, he got caught having a link on his family computer, right?

And

he got serious

blocks put on it, so he couldn't even look up a website that had swears on it.

And I was like, shit, myself, like, oh, fuck.

Oh, my dad's going to get me out of trouble.

I'm going to be able to go on the internet anymore because he caught me janging off the porn and stuff.

And I ran downstairs, put myself away, obviously, ran downstairs and I said to my dad, Is everything all right?

And he was like, Just delete your history when you're done.

I was like, Oh, great.

But that day at school, unrelated to the wank, I had drew a face on my hand like that.

And I just remember my dad seeing my hand

and just being like, Is this what you're into?

Like

The cock comes out, a wee guy's mouth.

Like,

part of your dad will always think, was he waiting for me to come in?

Can I just clarify that you were 17 and you were drawing wee things in your hand, so you'd a wee puppet at 17?

Yes!

Yeah,

I was a late bloomer.

Indeed, still.

When it happened, I am sorry.

Ever caught having a wank by a Furby?

I was never allowed a Furby, did that happen to you?

Yeah.

Any noise would set them off in the room, you know?

What did they say?

I instinctively apologised.

Sorry, We man, you never had to see that.

Forgot you were here.

This is why I say don't send dodger problems.

Well, I think we've dealt with that one.

Should we do one last one?

One last one.

I don't know if we're going to be

being voyeuristically observed by a Furby.

Well, you have a wink, thank you.

But

not seeking advice, but to say my son was serving at the hockey awards last month at City Halls, and he said to Susie that his mum was a fan, I'm here, love you, Susie, and isn't my way lovely?

Yes,

that's nice.

And I actually remember your Wayne coming up to me with his pal to get a picture taken and to send you the picture.

And it was the hockey awards, which I had done for the second time, and they were really nice.

And your young man, your young son, was was a lovely young man.

So, I and thank you, and thanks for coming tonight.

Thank you.

That's nice.

I fucking love the mums.

Did you get booked for the hockey awards?

Because hockey's quite a lesbian sports.

I see,

absolutely.

No half of little fucking troll.

No, I get booked for the hockey awards, Christopher, because unlike you, I can do a corporate.

So

it was a

lot of complaints from this company about cum

it was a dinner.

They didn't have a fee big enough for Frankie, so I get the awards because we can't even get you to do the corporates because you fuck them every time you do them.

So

somebody's going to stay.

I'm going to do text with builders, merchants, and I'm like, I've never fucking touched a brick in my life.

Touched a brick, though.

Hands are so soft.

Can I believe you just said that?

Did you get to do the Hull Kellers because it's just full of lesbies?

It wasn't even

Susie.

There wasn't even fucking that many lesbies.

There was like all the guys' teams, there were girl teams.

You've just made a broad assumption there, Christopher.

I'm not happy with you.

Christopher, quickly load one final problem into the chamber and let's hope your homophobia is forgotten.

So, all the best editing this producer, Andy.

I'm gonna get sick fucking.

Maybe butcher list like fucking your Bible, John.

If you were in an expendable style movie, who would you want to play?

I've no idea what that means, Christopher.

If you were in a film where it was you, me, Des, and Frankie as a team of like anti-terrorist action heroes,

pro-terrorists, pro-terrorists,

one man's terrorist,

Another man's freedom fighter.

If we were in a film together about the time travelling IRA,

Melissa McCarthy for me, Melissa McCarthy.

Very good sounding

name from that part of the world, I think.

Melissa McCarthy.

Yeah, McCarthyism.

Big fan.

What about you, Frankie?

Has to be Jackie Chan.

Who would play you, this?

I don't know what the fuck's happening here.

Your career is disappearing in front of your eyes.

I'm starting to think of Hollywood Catholics, and I'm going for either Mark Wahlberg or Jerry Adams.

I think if we were all Chinese, I could be got one or something maybe like that.

The Chinese time traveling IRA.

Anyway, it's been a great night

at the Armadillo, which will hopefully rise up on its legs and crush us all on the way out.

But thank you.

I love doing this podcast with my pals, even if I'm sometimes accused of homophobic

or eating cumbers.

Thank you so much.

Can we get a round of applause for a fantastic guest and quite so host?

I've been Chris MacArthur Boyd.

This is Susie McCain.

This is Recky Boyle.

Thank you so much.

This is your tongue,

Hey, how are you doing?

Prudu Sandy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.