The Mailbag: The Death Threat Charts

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Oh my god, this is an interesting one.

Hello Frankie Susie Christopher.

I'm a middle-aged man and I've been with my partner for 20-ish years now.

During the pandemic she received a diagnosis of young onset dementia, probably Alzheimer's and a touch of vascular.

Needless to say, it was a bit of a kick in in the fanny to get the news, and it has put a certain time scale on our future plans.

We're talking about bucket lists.

She wants to go white water rafting, etc.

Which I'd rather put my teeth out, but you've got to go along with these things.

God, for fuck's sake.

Most of the other early onset people we have met over the last few years have been retired Rotarian-type old cunts, English South Coast, if you needed the context, who feel like they're a generation away from us, so there's no use use unless we watch their broken bodies wash up against the rocks and waterfalls.

Anyway, what sort of things would you folks want to do before your demise if there was a sudden ticking clock to get things done?

Basically, I'm looking for lazier bucket list suggestions of the best, and it's not as grim as it all sounds honest.

Paul, Paul, go and fucking travel and see as much as possible and make as many memories as you can.

Because in the darkness of that disease, you will need something to tap into for your own mental health because it's you that you need to actually think about here.

Because ultimately, and this is terrible, as somebody who had somebody in the family with this illness,

their memory actually kind of doesn't matter because they're living in a different kind of sphere within their own head.

So, it's about you having memories that are tangible.

So, just

do what you want with them, have a laugh, make as many memories as possible.

Doesn't it be expensive?

Travel, see stuff, do stuff, and just fucking enjoy it.

Fuck Fuck it.

Fuck it.

If that's somebody that you love and you've been together that length of time, just go and have a fucking ball.

Might I recommend Japan?

Well, fuck.

Oh, you do.

You can't

do a real-life Mario cart in Japan.

Fucking go and do that.

No, it's no,

you can do that, but it's considered gauche.

Listen to this weed dick.

If your Alzheimer's partner wants to do the Mario cart on the streets of Japan, go for it.

Fucking do it.

To me, it's considered a go for it.

I would just say go whitewater rafting, even though you don't want to do it.

I mean,

I would suggest the Futalufa River in Chile,

the world's most dangerous whitewater rafting course, particularly the Terminator Rapid.

The Terminator?

Yeah, because then, do you know what?

Maybe you'll have a great whitewater raft and you'll be able to cherish those memories, or maybe all your problems are over.

Famous for its its large volume of water and five Class V rapids.

Class V?

Class V.

Let me tell you, Frankie's not even reading this off his phone.

He knows this shit.

Does this go from A to V?

Its rating is deadly.

Why does this exist?

Well, literally for this situation.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

So you're like, yeah, I put this in a nice little white water rafting trip.

What's in your bucket list, Frankie, before you

kick a bucket?

You know, I feel I've done it all.

Yeah.

You know,

except

putting a fucking nail bomb around myself.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Doing a corporate.

Yeah, for an oil company.

And fucking, like, having a fucking

flamethrower pack get hit by the bullet of a police sniper

and fucking going up like a Roman candle.

Yeah.

I think we've still got to go to Dallas, to be honest with you.

I think we still need to go to Elm Street.

We still need to go to the book depository.

I think you can't be doing that until we've done that.

Are you even allowed to say, joke about bombing shit now after fucking kneecap?

Are you even allowed?

I'm joking.

Can't say anything now, Dice.

Can't believe John Swinney threatened to take kneecaps.

I know, fucking John Swinney.

Transmit lineup as if that's not a blessing in disguise.

If it's not, oh, I don't need to do that shit gig anymore with snow patrol.

I can't gig with Grace Abrams in Glasgow Green anymore.

No, I should never stood up.

I'll fucking light you up.

Fucking non-magical Voldemort.

It's John John Swinney.

He's a secular Voldemort.

I've met a Lyle Voldemort.

We were saying he's like one of those guys that's like he's a deputy head, but you find out that he used to be the woodwork teacher, the P teacher, or something.

I'm just like, you're a fucking banger.

Been putting out fucking beanbags for five years or so.

How eagle, you're a fucking beanbag

he said it's beyond the pale what they said you're like you know where beyond the pale comes from it's like the bit around dublin the the english said beyond the pale that's where the wild people are the line around greater dublin um that was like uncivilized you're like could you even just fucking think about the line

yeah like you're saying about

a historically subjugated people.

Wow.

I thought it was Beyond the Pale as in like Beyond Death, like the Pale Rider.

I always get these.

You've poeticised it.

John Swinney is that rigid back Church of Scotland we f or we free kind of minister and he's just a fucking

he's just useless every time do you know what do you know why I'm always a wee bit suspicious of him every time during COVID John Swinney was on like news programmes giving interviews he'd a couple of versions of the fucking Bible behind him and I'm like many versions of that do you need

and they were all different versions of of the King James put out there what do you think that says about somebody I've never heard that observation about

too fucking you're too into your fucking Bible man it's not it's embarrassing to grow up I he's un-rom combable I could fuck him

six different fucking ways for a fortnight and he wouldn't he be any fucking different and end it do you know what I mean

I

would it'd be exactly he'd come out here he'd fucking do up his tie he'd consign it all to the fucking memory hole I love shake your hand, shake my hand, yeah, firm handshake.

Firm handshake, maybe a knuckle shuffle.

Wow, the five-knuckle.

And he'd be back to business as usual.

Do you know what I mean?

He is the type of man who should be doing your tax return.

He is.

He shouldn't be leading your crusade.

I'd love to try and find something in him.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, no, just have him for long enough that you fucking break him into some kind of humanity, like the bastard of Bolton and uh

Theon Greyjoy in fucking Game of Thrones.

You know what I mean?

When I release him through some pseudomasochistic torment or whatever.

Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, that's my answer, Sella.

What about you, Susie?

Before you want to go to do the GFK stuff in Dallas before you die?

Is that your bucket list scenario?

Hi that Dollywood.

Do a bit of that.

Do a bit of Dollywood.

Dollywood's meant to be great.

I'd like to go to Graceland.

Yeah.

I'd like to go to Narlands.

Narlands?

Yeah.

Fried chicken and ribs and Narlands.

But I can't even go when Trump's in charge.

And he fucking.

I can't even be visiting America when that dick's a president.

Do you know what I mean?

It's bad enough living with Kier Starmer as your prime minister.

You can't really let him change your life, but you know.

That's not changing my life.

I just don't want to be anywhere near a country that he's in charge of.

Because you never never know.

It could just fucking kick off in a minute.

So I would like to just go to places.

I'd like to go and spend a wee bit more time in Asia.

Asia, what bit?

I would like to kind of go to the whole.

I'd go to Japan.

I'd like to go to Vietnam and Cambodia and stuff like that.

I mean, I know this is not what anybody else will want, and it's a boring answer, but I'm always meaning to clear enough time to reread a whole bunch of novels, like Thomas Pynchon, John Irving novels.

I used to read when I was growing up,

Jean Wolfe's novels.

I want to read Donna Tarte's books again before the new one comes out and all that kind of stuff.

I'd just like to make a thing of that the next couple of years.

Aye.

Read more.

Yeah, read more.

Read more.

Where'd you do that?

And reread more.

In the park, under a tree, usually.

That was crazy when we were at the park and that gun went off.

Oh, yeah, we were at the park the other day and a fireworks went off.

But I was like to Christopher, we didn't even know what it was.

we were hanging out at the standing stones having a chat and then there's a big bang and Frankie what the happened you ran for the house I didn't I went and stood behind a tree yeah there's a loud explosion unexplained at 3 p.m.

and I was like could be an active shooter

it could be a lone gunman yeah could be a lone gunman in the book department Dallas and the brain and it's very unlikely there's a Crystal MacArthur Boyd assassinate there

But

come on, how many death threats have you had?

You're going to be the absolute bottom of the screen.

Yeah, I used to have more death rateable for sure.

100%.

Although I'm less

less death threatable than Frankie, but I feel that I might be on the upward trajectory.

Yeah, yeah, coming up in the chats.

Situation, I'm coming up in the chats.

I'm sliding down.

I need to get some heat.

Stick me in the microof.

I just kind of felt well you were like, but you were like, did you not?

I'm the type of guy where if I'm in a hotel and the fire alarm goes off, I'm putting my pillow over my head.

I'm like, I'd rather burn alive than go in my bed right now.

So, do you know what I mean?

Whereas, Frankie, if somebody's going to shoot at me, I guess I'm going to shoot.

Terrorists probably have a word for people like you.

Chickens or something like that.

Yeah, there's a certain amount of people that hear a loud explosion and they just kind of wander about as usual.

There he is, he's one of the chickens, one of the ducklings or whatever.

You know, it's a day at the office for the old terrorists.

Imagine you in the Brighton Hotel.

Imagine you, you'd have been like.

Slept in and blew yourself to fuck.

Yeah, Patrick McGee, take my heat off with a fucking bathtub full of bombs.

What was the question?

It wasn't.

What do you want?

Except to have an Alzheimer's joke I didn't mean.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine Mailbag with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

If you have a problem, dilemma, or issue that you you think Frankie, Susie, and Christopher can fix, email hctg at global.com.

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