Here Comes The Guillotine: Live in Glasgow - Part 1

Here comes the guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Glasgow, please put your hands together for none other than Miss Susie McKay.

Good evening, Glasgow.

Are you well?

What a year we have had, Glasgow, with this podcast.

What a journey we have been on together.

I feel as if you've been more in my side as I've had to challenge these two every week on that fucking podcast.

But lo and behold, are we not an award-winning podcast, folks?

You know, we're going to bang on about this for about 20 minutes.

I cannot believe that we are an award-winning podcast.

So, what we're going to do, give me a wee cheer if you've listened to the Aberdeen Live Show.

I mangies are as regular as clockwork, our listeners.

See if that podcast's up late.

I will wake up to like a hundred messages going, where's the podcast?

Have you done a heart attack?

Have you dead?

Because that's ruined my Monday.

So, what we're going to do is, I'm going to bring on the boys, we're going to have a bit of chat, then we're going to have a quiz.

It's exciting.

Then we're going to have an interval so you can go to the bar.

Glasgow, you need me better than this, man.

I know it's a Tuesday night, and I know Christopher's playlist was terrible, right?

But he's a cool wee guy, it's probably us that aren't cool.

And then we're going to come back second half, we've got a wee surprise in store for you,

and then we're going to do a meal back.

So, the QR code is now working.

That'll be back up at the interval, interval, get them in.

There is a full production team, it's like a telethon back there.

For those of you old enough to remember a telethon, there's a telethon back there sifting through your mailbag so we don't say anything inappropriate and get cancelled on you know 24 hours after we won an award.

The bars are all closed just now, but they will be opened back up at the interval.

Please just remain in your seat, enjoy the show, and we're going to have a really nice time.

You up for that, Glasgow?

Smashing.

All right, well, I'm going to bring on my two compadrants.

Please, welcome to the stage Christopher MacArthur Boyd

and the wonderful Frankie Bowler.

I thought you were just leaving us.

Where the fuck are you going?

I had to take the stand off.

They'd never see me.

It's a very old joke, hack as fuck.

That's your level, Glasgow.

How are you feeling?

Terrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Feeling really downbeat about the gig and also physically at a low ebb.

Do you know what I mean?

Not to mention world politics.

How am I feeling?

I'm great.

I'm great.

I'm hungry because our food was delayed, wasn't it?

Can I get get any of this?

I've had two bananas, two, that's more fruit than I've had all year.

We ordered Nando's and it didn't turn up, and the tour manager blamed Ramadan.

Yes!

He went, Ramadan, everyone's in there.

I don't think that's how Ramadan works.

Go and eat fucking chicken and chips for Allah.

Inshallah, you know.

It's also National Black Pudding Day, Day, so something for everybody.

I had a I don't want I had a chape for lunch so I'm kind of fine with the Nando's situation.

I don't want well, it was a saucy supper, but I accidentally went to one of the places that

they charge you extra for a sauce.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna say the name yes, I don't want to put like heart on them as a business, business, but they rhymed with glue raccoon

a sausage supper at lunchtime.

Yeah, and I'm the one with the fucking heart attack.

Many sausages?

Do you?

Standard, industry standard.

We talk about food more than fucking Anthony Bourbon.

What sauce did you get?

Do you you have sauce with your chippy?

Well, I wanted to, but then they were I'd already paid for it with a card transaction and they were like, You can't pay just fifteen pence for a wee sachet.

So I just had it dry.

Just raw dogged a fucking sausage supper.

It was great.

Did you go for a sleep after it?

No, no, it empowers me.

Sausage empowers you.

Fucking hell.

The violence of it sliding down my gullet

empowered me.

Because we've just recorded a couple of podcasts as well that people won't have heard, we've just talked about soup for the last like two weeks.

If you jump onto the podcast in about a month, there's a very long soup phase that you might want to skip.

It was so long about soup that I then sent a picture of the soup that I had for my dinner last night in our group chat saying this is the soup I was talking about, lads, get on it because that's how cool we are.

Fucking soup chat.

It got two emoji reacts.

It did.

I did laughing face, and you did love heart.

I love and do the love heart, do you know what I mean?

It was very much the generational difference between us.

What's like the best thing you've seen in here?

We're in the fucking big armadillo.

What's the best thing you've seen in here?

Billy Conley.

Billy Conley in here.

Billy Conley in here.

Hard to beat that, Frankie.

I've never been here if I've not been performing.

And I never will.

In fact, I've seen the singing kettle here once when I was a wee guy.

The singing kettle?

Yeah.

Fuck's sake.

Do you know that it was only fucking two of them that owned the singing kettle, and the other guy was was just getting a wage and there was a lot of bitterness in the group?

It's like a Flingo was just a session drummer and the rest of them had the royalties, is what I'd imagine he was saying.

That's why we run along Marxist principles.

We don't want to end up being the fucking singing kettle.

I was just, I just remember going to see the singing kettle when I was a wee guy and like I really wanted to get picked to fucking go up on the stage and sing with the kettle And it's like the person next to me got picked, and the person on the other side got picked, and I was just sitting there, like, one day, I'll be up there

hosting a podcast.

And here you are, Kristen.

Here I am, look at you now.

Yeah.

I fucking.

It's a strange shape of building.

It's the shape of an armadillo.

Right, that makes sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

Do you remember when this wasn't here?

What?

Do you remember life before they built the Clyde Auditorium?

Can't even picture it.

What was here?

Well, it was just a bit desolate after the Glasgow Garden Festival.

What was the Glasgow Garden Festival?

Christopher.

Christopher,

it was where dreams were made and destroyed.

Fucking hell, man.

Glasgow had a garden festival in 1988, and at the opening ceremony, one of the workers' legs was blown off by fireworks.

And yes!

The better of all things, good news and positive.

So you have seen a show here.

Imagine looking up into the sky and knowing it's your leg that's exploding,

but also having to appreciate the beauty.

It was basically a pretty shit festival where they had a tower, didn't they?

The Clivesdale Bank Tower, which they've kind of based on that tower in Canada, and it was fuck all like it.

And then it was just a lot of, there was a lot of shit really, but it's where you had to go for your school trip that year.

Every school fucking went to the Garbon Festival.

It wasn't the place that my parents would take you for a day out, because my parents wouldn't take you for a day out, right?

But it's where a lot of people's kind of middle-class parents would go for a day out.

You know what I'm saying?

Kind of wanky BQ or something.

Adobe's for wanks.

Adobe's for a timber.

Oh, sorry, isn't it?

Sorry.

And they said afterwards we're going to develop all this into a big green space for Glasgow, and now it's a poisonous swamp.

Bear in mind, this has happened in 1988 at the height of that tourism there.

See, fucking her fault.

De-industrialisation, everybody's fucking unemployed, skill and skin and protesting against the council tax, but our council's like, we should have a garden festival.

Then we had City of Culture.

1990.

Oh.

George Square.

I was negative three.

Wasn't even in my dad's pre-company.

And then he was like,

did you see?

Did you see the way he just looked at me?

He was like, I've already said that.

I didn't even remember.

I'm used to, I'm known for saying that.

Sorry.

Do you remember Mayfest?

Yes.

They used to have this thing in Glasgow, Mayfest.

And there was like a.

The council, to be fair, were trying to fucking support the arts, right?

So they said, if you put on some

art that isn't a band

for even five minutes, we will give you a free license till one in the morning.

And of course, the stand-up community was drawn into this

and brutally abused, right?

Because loads of pubs said, Well, we'll pay a stand-up to fucking and literally sometimes you'd be standing on the fucking bar, right?

And if you could get to the end of five minutes, they didn't have to pay for the license, right?

So you get 50 quid to do these gigs.

And I did one on the church on the hill, and I went on, and I only had to do five minutes, right?

But there's a fucking DJ on, and then he's like, ah, fucking record comes off, and he goes, Please welcome.

And you come on, you've got a tiny wee fucking mic, but people are laughing, right?

And I'm like, fuck, I'll take it.

And I'm doing my act, and I'm like, fuck.

They're sort of laughing in slightly the wrong places and they're laughing a bit too hard, but it's going pretty well, right?

So I get off, I do my five, they give me the money, and they went, that was great.

The whole time you were up there, a guy had a red dot on your head, like you were in the sides of a fucking

sniper.

To be fair, it is the Rangers end of hand in that cup.

So,

the famous Rangers sniper, there.

I remember that gig, and it was like, for like, do you know what street is it, like St Vincent Street or something?

And it's like they get like black railings, and then there's like uh

toilets, the toilets, not another toilets.

It was like an office.

I was doing a giggle in an office, and there was a window behind me, and then the black railings were outside the window.

And I was just kind of trying my best to make an office full of people laugh.

But then somebody outside scantied themselves

and then pressed the arse cheeks on either side of the black railing and like grinded them down.

You had a story in the podcast about someone scanting themselves when you were sat in Chris Forbes' car on a Chinese.

Do you think you might

be the issue here?

People just see me and they go, I need to scant myself right now

for whatever reason.

You're just a lightning rod for it.

Yeah.

People who've never before considered scanting themselves see you and suddenly the fucking pilot light of their sexuality goes on.

This is what I want.

I want a wee guy looking at mask cheeks through surveillance.

God willing, yeah.

The guy who helps us from Global, he was getting a taxi back into

his name's Ben, this is a nice guy, he was getting a taxi back into town.

And the guy was like, Oh, what was what you were working on tonight at the Armadillo?

And he was like, Oh, working with Frankie Boyle and Susie McCabe and Chris MacArthur Boyd.

The guy went, Chris MacArthur Boyd, my son went to school with him.

And then his son was a guy called Ben.

And we were in Mount Vernon Skate Park once and a guy tried to pitch on us

in Mount Vernon.

And were you on a skateboard at the time?

No, nobody was skateboarding.

I was just hanging out, being a golf.

And then this Ned guy was like, get away from here.

But we're like, no, I mean, this is really our natural habitat, the skate park.

You know, we had baggy jeans and all that, and chain wallets.

But then he was like, well, if you're not going to leave, I'm going to piss on you.

And I

called his blood off.

He got his cock out and started pissing, and I started running.

And was he above you?

Were you above me?

Yeah, were you in the skateboard?

Yeah.

Very strange behavior from the Duke of Northumberland.

But I'm picturing you in a wee bit where you skate down and he's pissing down onto you.

Where was this?

Mount Vermont Skate Park.

Right, can I just clarify?

Is this Brackney Park?

Brackney Park.

When they get rid of the ghouls and they put in a fucking skate park for dweebs.

Yes, this was.

And this is why Scottish football's in the fucking state it's in, Christopher.

Whereas Scottish perverts are Scottish perverts

have never been better.

The Scottish pervert community is thriving.

I know this part, and let me tell you, Goths would have got fucking leathered when we were in that part.

This is Scotland's a way to fuck.

And I blame you.

How's your motherfucker got pissed down?

We're victim blaming.

We're victim blaming.

Victim blaming podcast.

I would like it if

it'd be cool if it turned out that if like a kind of Godzilla type monster attacked Glasgow, the armadillo rose up

as a kind of gentleman.

As an armadillo, Evangelion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that'd be good.

I think it should look more like an armadillo as well.

Seeing as you've gone this far, give it a fucking tongue.

You know, give it a face at the front.

That's fuck all stopping you.

A wee cock.

A massive cock.

I can imagine an armadillo having a big cock

with all due respect.

That's what they've got to protect.

Do you know what I mean?

That's why they roll up, they're blowing themselves.

You think it's threatened?

It's never been fucking happening.

I don't think we're going to.

The godzilla's standing there waiting for it to finish fucking self-electric.

Can see that.

I'm always doing kind of self-sucker personations on the podcast, but we don't have a YouTube, so you kind of see it.

Yeah,

we're experimenting with some YouTube clips.

It's no good.

The comments are not fucking good.

There are no fascism out there, isn't there?

Say that again.

There's a lot of fascism out there.

There is a lot of fascism out there, and it's mainly directed at me and you.

And then I get some comments.

Then

you get an odd V comment about your nice T-shirts.

Because they're like, check out this week guy.

And these week cool t-shirts, this week 12-year-old, they've got in a studio.

And then I get a wee bit more abuse, you get a wee bit more abuse, and then the fascists just die.

It's grim.

As it is, I mean, I was all for it.

I'm like, let's make a lot of money so we can spend money in heavy production values.

Where we get someone to draw me like I'd been in a house fire.

Like, I've been to the gym, I was fucking offended at that picture, I'm not gonna lie.

Look at it, look at it.

What are they trainers?

Sketch us.

It looks like they're trainers that have got wee wheels on the bottom.

I would love a wee pair of wheelies.

I like my drawing.

It's because it looks like you.

I was going to say it looks like we're running away from a sex armadillo, but we might be running towards it.

There's a kind of note of longing in my face.

I have no teeth.

I quite literally have no teeth.

It's like I'm running from a house fire and my teeth have gone on fire because they were in a jar next to my bed.

I like them.

Christopher, I've been out with girls that look like that.

I forgot you used to shake film once.

My glasses, I can't find my glasses.

You look very Glasgow healthy in that picture.

Thank you, Donny.

That's because I told them to make me thinner.

I see what they've done there.

They just fucking put your weight on a knee.

They're like, oh, she's 45, menopausal.

Fat as fuck.

I'm disgusted at it.

My legs look nice and long.

To be fair, I'm too busy trying to run in my sketches.

Jesus.

What's your favourite part of the SCC event campus?

I would say is it part of the official campus but that fucking stupid science tower they built that was supposed to revolve and then they couldn't revolve it because it was screwing itself into the ground

that was particularly counsel of them do you know what I mean

and you're like at least rebrand it as fucking journey to the centre of the earth or something

that's how I want to be buried man put me in the fucking science tower and start it revolving again.

Send me to the fucking Earth's core.

You want to be frecked?

As we've discussed recently, I want to be given over to necrophiles.

I want my body to be hurled from the top of an Aztec temple into a crowd of screaming, dancing necrophiles.

This is your award-winning podcast, folks.

Award-winning comedy podcast.

podcast uh

how the fuck did we win an award i don't know how we i don't know how we won that award either because we know the person that organizes that award and i mean you're hard pushed to find him being a fan of the three of us

he's an absolute cut

thank you steve for the award

very much looking forward to you coming to review me the fringe steve

yep i fully expect a three-star review and it to be for the spelling to be terrible, you fucking thick bastard.

He fucking spelt your name wrong in the press release.

I know.

He spelled his name wrong.

Spelled Christopher's name wrong.

I didn't even read the press release, I just read fucking a lot.

Christopher MacArthur Beard.

Do you know a wee moment that always amuses me, Christopher?

And it tickles me every time I think about it.

When we were on tour, I said to Christopher, because he was talking about food a lot in the car, I said you should do your own munchie box in Glasgow.

And he said, the Christopher MacArthur box.

And it always just really tickles me.

Every time I remember that, I have a wee chuckle.

Thank you very much.

See, when you think about all the people that you've worked with over the years in writing rooms and television shows and panel shows, that's what tickles you.

That's what tickles me.

You are very jaded by this industry.

Christopher MacArthur box.

What would be in your munchie box?

My ideal munchie box would be a fill sausage supper,

free sauce,

picora of a chicken variety,

chips.

That's it.

That's essentially a sausage supper.

With a side of chips and chicken picora.

I forgot I included chips twice.

I fucking really like the science centre.

Did you ever go?

I've been to the science centre.

I've done a thing in in the science centre where it was basically like going back to school and getting into chemistry and doing loads of experiments.

But this time I never got into trouble for anything.

And you could make up little chemicals and stuff.

And then there was a really cool bit at the end where

they were showing you the universe and it just chilled me right out.

It was great.

I felt like I was kind of 15 again, but not stoned this time.

And it was just

great.

That was my one and only time.

But you've got to do all different so you've got to do like physics experiments, biology experiments, and chemistry experiments.

And I was right in about it like a trampet and chips because I'm a wee bore.

You know, it was good, but you like a planetarium.

And I do enjoy a planetarium.

Yes, I enjoy a planetarium the way you enjoy a sausage supper.

I went to that fucking planetarium one time with my kid, right?

And he was five, and they went, We can't have any children in the planetarium.

And I was like, What are you showing?

And they were like, The night sky.

And I was like, well, he can fucking see the night sky.

He can just look up.

And they were like, no, nobody under 12 is allowed in the fucking planetarium.

And they loved it as well.

They loved fucking sending him away.

Where is this?

This is in the fucking science centre planetarium.

Wow.

Let's fucking sort that out tonight.

Let's fucking fucking wreck the planetarium.

Let's ride this fucking giant armadillo down there and

Fucking

self-fillate around that science fucking rod.

I'll take the power supply out that fucking tower.

Just do it.

We've done our quiz for stuff, John.

You might think that this is a completely unstructured show where we just talk about chips for

three hours, but it's not.

We had put some thought into it.

There's this bit, then there's the next bit, then there's a break, then there's other bits.

I think it'd be good filling that in a little.

Do you know what I mean?

We'll do a wee quiz this half, then we're going to have a break.

There'll be a QR code up that you can send your mailbag questions and problems into.

If you want us to sort out your problems,

I'll be honest with you, I fucking wouldn't.

If you've got problems, phone the Samaritans.

I wouldn't come to any of us three, I wouldn't even go to they two with my problems, and my life's a fucking shambles.

I would maybe no give us problems.

This week, the podcast on Spotify had a link to the Samaritans.

They just put it up spontaneously.

Spotify put it up.

They went, here's the show, blah, blah, blah.

And here's if you're considering suicide.

Here's a link to the live shows.

Here's a link to somebody begging you not to hang yourself.

Now it's a Monday morning and you're on your way to your work and you've just listened to Here Comes the Guillotine.

Here's a phone number and a link for you.

Fucking hell.

It was also one of our more light-hearted episodes.

Jesus, Mark.

Anyway, let's crack on with the bloody

quiz.

The way it works is we put up a quote that we've no seen, and anybody can guess who the three of us said it.

So

I don't have the cardio for the zombie apocalypse.

Well, that must be me, that's the thing I talk about a lot.

Do you know what I mean?

Because I watch a lot of zombie movies and I don't do a lot of cardio.

And I often think how useful cardio would be in a zombie apocalypse.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Even just being quick over the first five yards, like Kennedy Gleash.

Do you know what I mean?

Also, I don't really have the attention.

If you're going to get caught by like your old slow zombies,

you really need to sort of not pay attention for a bit.

And I'm the master of that.

Do you know what I mean?

I would be like, I totally forgot there were zombies.

Shout, I'm dead.

I'm a zombie.

My next now, I watch watchy box.

I think it might have been me.

I think I might have said that while having a cigarette.

I don't have the card deal for the zombie apocalypse.

Fuck this.

You could put your fag out in the zombie's eye, but.

Ah, I probably wouldn't waste a fag.

How much is a pack of fags is this?

How much is a pack of fags?

Oh, fucking, here we go, Nana.

Listen to you.

That's such a Nana thing to say.

I've not smoked in two years and olive oils went through the roof.

Olive oil.

Listen, I went to buy avocado oil the day.

Wait to see the fucking price of that.

I've come off the olive oil.

Avocado oil seems like it would be expensive.

To me an olive is like it's just

quite fucking British though isn't it to bomb the shit out of the Middle East then complain about the rising price of olive oil.

It was Frankie and said that,

look, there he is.

Could you look any more Scottish in that picture?

You're pale, you're ginger, drinking ginger.

This is a source of contention.

You don't consider yourself to be ginger.

Well, I was a late ginger.

Do you know what I mean?

So I wasn't a ginger.

I was about 28.

And I was on stage, and someone went, you're fucking ginger prick.

And I was like, what?

And

I'd sort of turned about ginger.

But if they didn't get you at school, they never got you.

Do you know what I mean?

So I'm not an official ginger.

What colour was your hair at school?

Brown.

Oh.

As you can see, my hair is quite brown.

It's the red beard that gives it a kind of orangey tinge.

If you get a wee kind of hint of the auburn through your hair, I do.

Basically,

one of my distant relatives didn't run fast enough from a Viking,

and now here I am without the card deal for a zombie apocalypse.

It's a long line of people who failed to get away from stuff.

I um

you know, do you know Milo McCabe, the comedian?

Milo's a very he's a very tall, good-looking guy, and he plays a character called Troy Hawke, right?

And he's like he could be a film star from the 1920s to now, right?

Very tall, handsome, dark, all that, right?

And the first time I met him, we were in Australia, and he came up to me and he went, Susie, I've never gigged for you, obviously, blah blah blah.

He goes, You know, our name comes from this part of Ireland and it's quite near the border.

And we look like this with our dark hair and our dark eyes, and we look like this because the Romans came and raped and pillaged.

I'm looking at this fucking chiseled god,

and he thinks that we've came from the same gene pool.

And I'm looking at him, and he's looking at me, and I was like, I think I may have came from the cocks of a Viking ship.

Not even a proper Viking, just a little Viking fucking that's angry and shouting at the bottom of it.

And he's just standing there, and I'm like, What bit is this Adonis looking at me, going, Aye, we've got the same DNA?

I'm not a very good looking guy.

He's very good looking.

Do you know that guy that stands outside the shops and he wears a dressing gown and he says nice things to people?

Or do I sound mental?

It's him.

I didn't even think about him being a McKay prince.

He's so handsome.

There must have been the occasional Viking, you know they were all raping and pillaging.

But there must have been the occasional one when you got back on the boat and you went, you've not really pillaged very much.

Are you just here for the raping?

There must have been the odd one.

You let Sven,

you've got, fuck all, you've got.

You've got syphilis!

That's all you've got.

Syphilis!

We need some fucking loot.

You're just pumping.

It's where you've got into it, because you go to places like, I was in Lags once and I was doing a gig in the Viking experience, Viking gar, and you look about lugs and you're like,

did they all fuck off or something?

No offense to Billport.

Can we get another quote?

They tried to resuscitate him while I was eating pizza with my bandmates and I just watched him die.

Anybody get any idea who that may have been?

It's a toughie.

Have you you ever been in a band?

No, I was too busy smoking drugs and sleeping with women, Christopher.

I didn't need to join a band.

It's a common band activity.

Exactly.

But I'm going to guess that you joined a band in the hope of doing that, whereas I could just do it.

It was great.

What did you watch die?

It must have been a fucking gerbil or something.

I can't imagine you stood and watched a man die.

Tell me about this.

You must have been.

It was like I was in Leeds and I was having a pizza.

It was a great deal in the pizza.

It was four of us, it was like two for one.

So we got four for two.

And then an old guy fell out the door of a bus on his face

and like started shaking him out.

And we were like, fucking hell, this is traumatizing.

But we didn't stop eating the pizza, I'll tell you that much.

So that was me.

Ah, that's me.

We were just saying, this t-shirt gets a lot of love on YouTube.

Full of hell, it says underneath my hang.

That's like a metal band that I opened for when I was in a band.

It was a great time.

See, when you watch this person die, did you just go to help him, or were you just like, kind of going, you don't really want the pizza to get cold?

Do you know that way when like somebody falls and you go,

somebody else picks them up, and you get it, go off, somebody else is sorted out.

You know, nobody needs 20 people to help them get up.

If you've got three people, you're up.

He was down for the count.

He's deep.

I would tell you about that time outside Mono.

I saw an old guy get blown over.

So that's a really, really old guy.

But he wasn't drunk or he was just super fucking old.

And it was a very windy day, and he just went, fuck it, right?

And so I went and I got him, and there's a cab, so I called the cab over, and I went, I gave the guy 20 quid, and I went, Can you just get this guy home?

And the guy looked at me and he went, Very off-brand.

Like, what's my brand?

Letting old cunts die.

You thought you were Harold Shipman or something then?

Taxi drivers ever.

Oh, don't get us started on fucking taxi drivers.

Don't get me new started.

Christopher will just fucking shrivel and ease me short.

I don't want to offend my family.

They've been so nice to me my whole life.

Well, not really, but you know.

Do they give you lifts in their taxis?

My family?

Yeah.

My own, my own.

Yeah, yeah, my, yes.

My granddad used to cut about me in the back of the cab.

It was very good times.

Old people were like, uh,

because I've kind of I'm only 31, right?

So I'm a spring chicken.

But

I've noticed that life keeps going faster, like the year flies by quicker.

Every year it gets a wee bit quicker, and it made me go, Is that why old people are kind of like that?

Because they're fucking flying.

Like that's all 600 miles an hour, they're like, Jesus Christ.

That's why they always eat World's Originals, because they're about to fucking take off.

Stop their ears from popping.

Let's have another look.

My friend, nobody knows more about the history of the Dash Hank than me.

It's me.

I know a lot about the history of the Dash Hank, my friends.

Also, how have we not get fucking sponsorship off of them?

Because they're kunks.

You are quite literally a walking advert.

Look, Iron Brew, making Scotland fake up dust.

That's not the fucking image they want to portray.

They'll have fucking...

they'll have fucking Gredo and the fucking what's her name that does the fucking weather or something

I think Judith Rouston Judith Rouston and Gredo

fucking stop it and you stop it the two of you

behave we just want some showbiz beef

I know let's not have showbiz beef with a fucking wrestler I okay but Judith is fucking dead

You're not picking on national treasure, Judith Ralston.

Also, I think bars could be marketing you the same way that Scots porridged oats done that kind of guy in the kilt.

I think you could be the ironbrew equivalent of that.

Why not?

I'm trying.

How much do you know about the Dashmond?

It was originally bred to flush out badgers.

As I'm sure you know, Ein Dach

in German is a badger and a Dashman is a badger dog

badgers are fucking massive do you know where this comes from it comes from like when I used to compare the stand in the early days like when I was in the pub in the grass market and if the crowd was really really fucking rowdy I would just start talking about the history of the dashboard

until they were bored into submission and it was in the days before Red Bull so the more violent elements would fall asleep

and then you could get the fucking headline on it.

And now people have made a career out of doing that.

Standing fucking bonus detail anyway, right?

Do you ever see a dash hand?

You just feel bad for it because his bobbies are scraped up.

It's not about looking after him.

Being a wee fucking pouch

with herbs and lotions.

I seen one in Kelvey Grove Park and he was like, oh.

And it was us, it wasn't stabby, but it looked really painful.

And I was like, I bet you wish somebody had nebred your legs to be that length.

And I know how he fucking feels, you know.

I tell you what, though, you forget about your so-cock when a badger's coming at you.

You're like, actually, I'm glad I'm this shape.

I'm in daily position to fight this badger.

Cock bedam.

There's nothing quite like a grieving widow covered in her dead husband's brain and blood to make me go, ooh, hot.

That's reeking of you.

It's got to be Christopher.

It's Christopher's desire to fuck Jackie Kennedy, Julie.

That's right.

The has hatred.

It's the pillbox hat, isn't it?

He's always gone on about the pillbox hat and her kind of pink three-piece that she was wearing.

Well, she didn't need to climb out over the back.

Do you know what I mean?

She was just teasing us.

She saw the opportunity.

Stuck, Miss.

Wow

to be fair it is Jackie like

brains and blood or not I mean she was a beautiful looking looking woman Jackie de Beauvier

wasn't she she was such a lovely name isn't it de Beauvier and then she went Kennedy and then she went onassis

where did Onassis come from

so

buckle up

so after John died, she

got with a Greek shipping magnet called Aristotle Anassis.

So, kind of like a massive gazillionaire, and he was like, Come bring your children, and I will keep you safe.

Because she felt that they were in danger

because she felt, Do you know what?

I think they might try and kill other Kennedy members of the family.

And you know what?

They fucking did.

And

she got with Aristotle, who wasn't a nice man, but

it was all of its time, wasn't it?

How'd you go for Jack Kennedy to just be Joe the Plumber?

Sure.

You know what I mean?

This is how the woman in your life will feel, Christopher.

Am I going to get shot in the head?

RFK Jr.

in the election, man, to be

to have had a portion of your brain eaten by a worm

and be the third weirdest candidate.

You're never quite prepared for how weird his voice is.

You know, you see the clip or whatever come up on Instagram, you go, that guy's got a weird voice, and then you put it on, you go, fucking hell.

It's always shocking.

There we are.

That was me.

That was you.

That was me going, nobody needs to hear four cums in a row.

There I am.

Look, look at the face of disgust and contempt.

Look, Jesus, you're fucking obsessed with it.

Although, see, to be fair, I've got a theory in this.

Okay.

So I said to you yesterday, because we'd recorded yesterday, I said to you yesterday how happy you are

and how

just you're happy and you're full of joy and it might actually be the happiest I've ever seen you.

You've known me for 12 years.

And I've known you for 12 years, right?

And it's that and I've I've toured with you, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, this is the happiest this week, guys, ever been.

And then I've realised you've stopped talking about cum a lot.

And I'm thinking,

you must be getting your knack king.

Because, like a true teenage boy, you don't need to talk about jizz anymore and you're dead happy.

So I, that's what I'm thinking.

I can neither confirm nor deny it.

Okay,

you don't have to confirm or deny it, but basically, that's my theory.

Or you've been neutered

from chemical chemistry.

Like Alan Turin, because I know too much.

What?

Like a guy who was neutered because he was a homosexual, you've just compared yourself to my people's struggle?

Fuck off.

Between that and calling Dolly the C word, fuck off.

You've just offended the gay community far too much, Christopher.

When you said calling Dolly the Sea Word, if I meant Dolly the sheep, and

the C word was clone, I'm like, you're allowed to call that sheep a clone.

You can see why it needs edited the podcast, couldn't you?

They say they chemically castrated him because he was gay.

He got caught cottaging.

Yeah.

And that was illegal.

So they went, you're a sexual fucking pervert, so you need to get castrated.

Is that our prison?

So they gave him chemical castration because he liked the boby.

And you have now compared yourself to the man that essentially ended the Second World War that his country chastised for being a gay man.

Stand by, McClay.

He knew too much.

Do you know how he died,

Alan Tune?

He killed himself, didn't he?

Well, there's some debate because he was doing some experiments with cyanide, right?

And he might have left his lunch apple in the room and bitten into it and died very like fucking Snow White.

You know, I think it's a beautiful way for a gay guy in the 1950s to go.

A custrated gay man.

And they go, just leave your apple next to the cyanide, see what happens.

Of all the ways to go, it's a lovely little kind of fairy tale ending.

If admittedly, you're a sexual dissident who's been tortured by your government, but if we look put that to one side,

there's a wee bit of hope in the story.

He basically went the same way as Hitler, didn't he?

He took the cyanide, didn't he?

Yeah, what a fucking pussy Hitler was, man.

At least come out with a couple of fucking machine guns like the end of fucking Scarface.

you know don't fucking just kill yourself and your family you fucking pussy and your in your fucking bunker as well you're we wank

we are a proudly anti-Hitler podcast

I tell you what the fascists will love this chat

from COVID we know about 20% of people won't believe that they're zombies Frankie got to be more zombie chat for you.

Well, people don't believe in COVID and don't believe in germs now as well.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I've got a couple of pals and they're like, yeah, don't believe in germs.

The whole thing was a fucking

psyop.

Real germ theory psyop.

I'm not washing my hands and I've just got a really bad cold that's put me in bed for three weeks.

No, you didn't.

You had COVID, you stupid cunt.

I've got various friends like that.

Are they actually your friends?

No.

Really?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I am going to kill Producer Andy when I go off this stage and then I'm going to.

We eat each other's cum, we fuck pigs.

I don't remember saying that.

In what context?

Can you really eat cum?

Yeah!

Anyway, it's been a great first time.

Surely, I mean, at some level, you're drinking it.

Do you know what I mean?

Unless you've frozen the cum.

Even then, maybe you've put it in a martini or whatever.

You know.

I'd like my martini shake it, not stat.

But you're not getting a frozen cum in sentence.

Can we just stop saying come?

But I would say it's rare someone gets out a knife and fork and starts eating cum.

It's more of a street food culture these days.

It's not considered socially disgusting to use your hands and mouth.

I don't know if I'm in the mood for Mernando's now, to be honest with you.

Perones.

How many squirrels are dying every day because some tight-clothed wheelboy is just

massacring them?

I think this was Frankie directed at you.

No, this is Christopher angry about Glasgow's cycling community.

Oh, that's right, on the Kelvin Walkway.

I don't know if there's any

users of the Kelvin Walkway recently.

It's became a bit of a strange scenario because there was that storm and it blew loads of trees over, and now you cannot cycle in the Kelvin Walkway because it's became the Kelvin Limbo way

due to massive tree trunks blocking any kind of it's amazing.

You just can't keep the fucking delight off your face.

I know.

Did you go around with a chainsaw and put those trees down because you hate the cyclists on the Kelvin Walkway so much?

I can neither confirm nor deny.

It's a perverse fetish, isn't it, to get in Lycra,

to get as much of your body exposed as possible without it being criminal, you know,

and then to disobey the highway code at high speed.

That's a really strange, harlequin-esque sex figure that we see firing about Glasgow regularly, and there's no real excuse for it.

I'm just fed up seeing

dick print of some 50 year old graphic designer

just right down one leg as if he's tucked it and sellotaped it.

I don't want to see that anymore.

So if you could stop wearing it in the studio Friday

it'd be a relief for all of us.

I'm not even convinced

it's actually real.

I think sometimes they tuck the real dick and they slip a porcelain one and down one leg.

But they tuck it underneath, so it looks like a V-vagina.

Yes,

it gives you something on the seat, a bit of a cushion.

And you put the shape of one you wish you had

down your leg.

That dash hunt wished they could have tucked his cock underneath his arsoto that much, man.

It looked cut up

by the gravel on the ground.

If I was a cyclist, I would wear a nappy.

A nappy full of a healing kind of poultice.

Because basically, if you're a cyclist,

you're going to get a really sore arse and you just don't want to get that any of the interesting ways.

So, you've decided to take up cycling.

Some athletes for you, they fucking love the pain.

It's just athletes for you, they just like to hurt themselves.

Pricks.

I think cyclists are middle-class people who want struggle.

Do you know what I mean?

And that struggle is given to them by Glasgow's careless lorry-driving community.

And they're necessarily culling.

That's kind of what camping is, isn't it?

It's like, you know, when I was a young man growing up in a working-class family, we went on a holiday to a hotel because life's shite and you want a wee bit of pleasure.

But if your life's already extremely pleasurable, you then take a break from that by fucking going to the isless sky and living under a tent and fucking doing a shite six meters away from your family with rain coming down.

And burying it like a fucking dashan.

Burying your fucking shite like it's your granda.

Horrendous.

Anyway, it's been a great first time.

We're gonna take a wee break, devour Anando's without even stopping for breathing, and then we're gonna have a special guest come on.

But But thank you so much for coming, and I'll see you in like 20 minutes.

Just the VQR code opening up now.

Hey, how are you doing?

Producer Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.