The Mailbag: What Are You Going to Add to the Conversation?

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Producer Andy here, and welcome to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine: the Mailbag with Frankie Boyle, Susan McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

A heads up, this episode contains strong, explicit language during a discussion about religion.

If you want to submit your problems to the mailbag, email hctg at global.com.

Enjoy the episode.

Welcome

to the mailbag.

I love it.

That's something else.

What's that based on?

The love boat.

Right.

The love boat.

He was the love boat.

It was an old show.

It was

really sort of antediluvian even when I was a kid.

It had the wee guy on it.

No, you're thinking of Fantasy Island.

Yeah

Fantasy Island was you go to an island where all your dreams are realized by Ricardo Montelban

and

what was he called?

Tattoo from the fucking James Bond film.

Yeah.

But the love boat was a boat where you got a cruise where people fell in love.

Wow.

Did they go there because they wanted to fall in love or did they just go on a a cruise and then love happened to them?

It was a light-hearted drama.

It's almost like an early rom-com, I think.

Episodic in nature.

It's got a kind of murder she wrote vibe without the murders.

Just she wrote.

Hi.

And she wasn't there.

But, you know.

What's going on?

Vibe, it's that.

Twinkly.

Hi.

The twinkly idiom.

Hi.

Your dreams would be fulfilled by Ricardo Muller.

So, right, you know, it's like you want

your son to see

your son to look up to you and you go for your all-inclusive and fantasy island and you think it's going to happen one way and Ricardo Montoban's like, don't worry, man, it's gonna be fine.

He's a human monkey paw.

No, he's not a human monkey boy.

He's a human cat's paw.

Oh.

In a sense.

And he's like, don't you worry.

No, it's not a bad thing.

It happened a good way.

So it'd be like

you want your son to look up to you and then you fucking fight fight off a bear at some point during a picnic or something.

He's like, You see, you kind of got what you wanted, and you're like, Oh, fuck, so I did, yeah, like a genie, yeah, more like a genie than a monkey's paw.

He's neither like a genie or a monkey's paw, more like a fucking guy who runs a fucking Magic Island.

That doesn't make sense.

He is that guy, Ricardo Montoban.

I'd imagine if your dream is to get pumped by Ricardo Montoban, he'll make that dream come true, pretty.

I think they just filtered it, that's probably 99% of it in the cash.

Yeah.

Listen, so you know how Frankie thinks it's just Glasgow partners that listen to the show.

We've got a mealbag in for somebody in Finland, we've got one from Australia.

Whoa,

it's all happening.

It's all over.

It's Glaswegians all over the world.

Should I say listen?

Isn't this just Andy?

It's not just Andy.

He's too busy travelling to the furthest, most darkest corners of Scotland to watch non-league or Highland League football.

Is that a league?

The Highland League?

To be honest, what you've both like, like Andy would be all over that.

Yeah.

The various levels of football.

Oh,

yeah, there are Highland.

There's Highland League, there's...

For his mechanics, are they in there?

It's essentially sort of six-division football.

Right.

The pyramid model, they call it Christopher.

And Andy's at the bottom of that pyramid.

Holding it up.

Yeah.

Like Samson.

Or like the fucking giant things they found under the pyramids.

That all went very quiet.

What?

They found these

it was an internet sensation for a few days where they reckoned they found these giant pillars underneath the pyramids that were holding the pyramids up fucking

sandy.

I didn't at any point really believe it, but maybe like the world is a lot less sandy nowadays.

Maybe the pyramids were just

maybe the pyramids were just at top or something.

Yeah.

That's your conspiracy theorist.

The world was a little bit more.

Right.

See, is it a wee bit like when people are like, oh, underneath the Easter Island heads, there's an Easter Island body.

Easter Island egg.

That's what this corny is.

Did I say that?

Did that say Easter Island egg?

Easter Island body.

All right, yeah, yeah.

This is like fucking blankety blank now.

Christopher, Easter Island body.

Oh fuck, don't ask him again.

So, what's the finished person saying?

Do you want me to go to the oh, listen?

We've got somebody first before that who is English, they've not given us a name, but they have said, Dear guillotine team, I love the show, especially the Lord of the Ring chat and video game content.

Fuck's sake, and Susie's actual good advice among the unchinged discussion of serial killers and necrophilia.

I feel that they've just put that bit into place me.

No, no,

I was born and raised in the neoliberal terminal stage capitalism hellhole that is England, and I am looking for an escape route other than death.

I'm considering moving to Scotland, which will, I mean, essentially accelerate your death, especially as I firmly believe it will just stop asking for permission and become independent within the next decade or so.

As soon as Nigel Farage gets into power, my question is: do you think this is a good plan, or would I just be exchanging one shithole for another?

It doesn't seem like it south of the border, but your opinion would be welcome.

P.S.

Frankie, I loved your book, but when are you going to return to comic books?

Rex Royd was great.

I think it has been decided that I'll never return to comic books by the marketplace.

Right.

I don't think

Scotland will be independent in the next next ten years or in our generation.

Um

I don't think that's really the appetite for it.

I think that was kind of the chance and it passed by and we all thought there'd be another referendum within ten years or something.

That's in fact what the book Mean Time is about.

It's the meantime between referendums.

Um it didn't happen.

I think uh move to Scotland by all means, but also don't fool yourself that austerity England is terminal stage capitalism.

You never know what says late stage capitalism.

What if it's no?

What if it's just getting started?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

There's that whole thing, isn't there?

Of like

people go, aye, but you know, that would all break down.

If you had a total authoritarian state or you had a total panoptican with modern technology stage of capitalism, it would all break down, wouldn't you?

Like, aye, but that may take 200 years.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it would be too.

You would be broken down.

Yeah, you'd be fucking broken down long before that into fucking soil and green and pod nutrients.

I am currently watching the show Mussolini.

It's on Sky Atlantic.

Are they going to do like a big Avengers type thing at the end of it?

Maybe.

Post-credit sequence where he meets Hitler.

Hitler shows up.

I've got

an idea.

And it's the next one.

It's the rise of Mussolini and rise of fascism in Italy, and it's very good.

You should watch it.

Robert Downey Jr., a good Marvel Hitler, I'd say, as well.

Do you know what I mean?

What is Dr.

Doom when he's Ironman?

Why can't he be?

Why wasn't it Hitler just part of the MCU?

I think he was kind of.

Red Skull was kind of Hitler.

Kind of witch Hitler, wasn't he?

No, not really.

He was like a

crying guy on there.

Let's discussion of

Hydra.

Hitler does appear in this really weird comic from the 90s called The Golden Age and it's like they make this guy who's like an atomic guy, it's supposed to be a version of Superman and he's like the biggest kind of superhero and it ends with him just killing all the other superheroes that are all getting wiped out outside the White House and basically it's like they put Hitler's brain

the ultra humanite the old um Captain America

enemy enemy.

He has put his own body in a giant monkey.

No, he's put his own body in the American senator.

He's put Hitler's brain into this young Superman.

And Hitler gives him a kind of anti-Semitic screech at the start of the comic.

It's quite a ride.

I mean, it's not a good comic.

That's not Marvel, is it?

Yeah, it is Marvel.

Is it?

Wow.

You don't see that in the MCU.

Should they?

Yeah, you don't see that in Ant-Man versus the wasp.

Paul Rudd's got to launch a quip at Super Hitler.

John Luquisiano.

Wix on.

He's using his x-ray vision to check who's been circumcised.

Just fucking...

Jenkins Hitler.

I was thinking about this.

I was thinking about something you were saying a wee while ago where it was like

you're talking about how the call to prayer would have started as like

a way of keeping fit and a way of stretching every day.

And then,

you know, circumcision is held up as this, what is it, a sacrament to God?

It's a promise that you've made to God uh to give your child's uh penis skin to uh because if you're somewhere sandy you're gonna get you don't have access to none of what you're gonna get sand under the foreskin and what is prayer if not you know just a way of going

oh i need to think about my family i need to breathe deeply and a bit of quiet and a bit of mental health rejecting and it's like all these things that are you know held up as like prayer promise to god is very kind of functional things that make you feel a wee bit better Yeah, dressing a nine-year-old girl up in a fucking wedding dress, yep, with a with a cloak

and a pair of Adidas kick, making little children confess their sins in a cupboard to a fucking pedophile, these are all necessary.

Well, what, yeah, that's what I was thinking.

What is the what is the benefit of that?

Well, there isn't, it's just basically people bring you in, don't they?

They see a good thing and they go, I'll get my hippoversion in there.

Anyway, what were we talking about there before?

I was should this guy move to Eglin

Scotland?

Whereabouts in Scotland is a big question because it's different.

If you're going, should I move to fucking the East Nuke of Fife and should I move to Wick are two very different questions.

Yes.

Should I move to the south side of Glasgow or should I move to the Isle of Sky?

These are very different lifestyles that you'd be living.

Fucking English people.

Of both.

Both English people.

You're going to be sick of seeing country went to school in.

But yeah.

Generally, look, we're a good country.

We're very pretty.

England is looking a bit homogenised and fucked, so I want in.

But we're not going to be any more fucking socialist or anymore.

No.

No.

Do you know what I mean?

Swinney, the SNP.

The SNP are probably going to clean up at the next Scottish elections.

They're kind of neoliberal.

They're now looking even to move their trident policy towards all sort of rent out of the fucking base or whatever.

Become a landlord, essentially, of nuclear weapons.

Pro-NATO, something that's never discussed in British life at all.

Everybody's kind of pro-some fucking alliance that was built to fight 1970s Russia.

Yeah, let's all be part of that.

We're in a fucking island in the middle of nowhere.

Why wouldn't we be on the front line of a fucking Baltic war?

Also, Kate Forbes.

There's just my fucking beginning and end for this SMP.

I'm just like, Kate, fuck her.

If you're not getting rid of her, you're absolutely

referred to as a waste man.

If you're going to bring the SMP without getting rid of

if the second most senior person in your party

is that woman, a godmother and freaking freaky.

I feel, I don't know, I feel a certain like

in a rom-com, we could make it.

We could make it?

Yeah, me and Kate Forbes.

Oh, I thought I meant the three of us and Kate Forbes could make it.

Well, maybe the three of us.

Maybe that's it.

No.

Maybe as a kind of sexual totem pole.

If we were doing Forbes, it's like in these three people is every quality I've ever wanted.

Where's the first fucking Polly Aminus rom?

Yeah, when's that gonna happen?

Along King Polly, it was very disappointing.

She just fucks Ben Still.

Yeah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

If we were doing Blaine Date, dude, say it.

Sell us black.

Sell us black.

Sell us back.

Dude,

I'm black.

I'm black and I've returned from the dark.

Whoa, that was a real fucking surprise.

Fucking Silla Black came out to life and she was black.

Fuck me.

Sturdy.

Alright, so

reanimated Black Silla Black is hosting Blaine Tate.

And it's Kate Forbes as the guest.

And it's me, you, and Susie behind the wee barricade.

Who do you think she's picking?

Tell me who she's not picking.

Me.

She doesn't

she doesn't know what's behind the fucking hang.

Yeah, that's the thing.

In a way, I've quite a feminine voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I mean I have a light, fruity voice.

You could do your line from the Wizard of Oz voice.

I'm doing it right now.

Yeah,

and it, you know, I mean, I have a kinda come hither voice.

People have been suggesting in the comments that I love Frankie's voice when it's Kate Forbes, maybe.

That may be her behind a fucking barrage of burners puppet account as they say yeah she's the geppetto of modern insta but then she'd be like no one of those voices really twisted the question round to Japan

I'm into that

if you and me were on a date in

Allowa

where would you well I would find the closest katsu emporium kate and we would discuss the final points of the old testament katsu Kate in the Old Testament.

Katsu Forbes.

Aye.

Kitsu Kate.

This is, I mean, it might be sexist, it might be sexist.

I don't mean to be sexist, but there's a part of me, perhaps a younger part of me, that sees a woman very invested in the Old Testament and thinks.

Good stuff, look at you.

You're fucking devious.

Look at you.

You're a disgrace.

I mean,

it would be something.

Like, I don't know what would happen, but it would be something.

I think for all the work that the Parliament and the SNP have done with regards to LGBT rights and then you have fucking Kate Forbes, nah, get her out.

Joanna Cherry.

Fuck off.

She can honestly get in the fucking bin.

That woman.

Fuck.

See, now you've got me annoyed.

No, well, it's frustrating, isn't it?

It is frustrating.

Do you know what's frustrating for me is that all these women are just like, oh, oh, well, you know, now we're blocked off the fucking trans community and we need this and we need that and women are much fucking safer.

And you're like,

really?

So what for the past two thousand years where many a woman has been raped and abused and everything like that, that was because of the trans community?

No, I don't think so.

You fucking rocket.

It's just awful.

Let's just remember.

I mean, once you get worked up about women and girls, a whole bunch of women and girls in Gaza.

Yeah.

You're not talking about.

And until you do talk about them, we're always going to wonder if you really give a fuck.

Did you see the picture of JK Rowling in the cigar when they yacht?

It was one of the most

just a horrible picture, and it was really fucking toxic.

And I just can't believe that we've got women fighting other women for rights of a very small amount of the population who are already a lonely and marginalised community, and then people who are of a generation that got me equality, and the generation before them got them equality,

are denying that to other people.

Fucking terrible.

Yeah, so nah, I'd

could be a sub-plot in the Kate for me wrong calling.

Yep,

these

both make great points.

Here's what I would say about whether someone should move to make their life better.

Maybe your location isn't the problem, and you can't move away from being you.

Oh, this is very philosophical, Christopher.

Yeah, I mean, regardless of where you go, you're always going to be you.

When I was in Japan,

I was still me.

I would argue, Christopher, you can move away from being you by perfecting the self.

Disney Matter still makes sense.

Rich, from its philosophical context,

by perfecting yourself,

move away from yourself.

Yeah, self-improvement is a way of traveling away from the person you no longer want to be.

And

I don't know.

The Brimstone Diaries.

Like, I'm trying to think of a title.

Kate Forbes.

Yeah.

The Kate Forbes Roman.

Yeah.

Kate, the words romantic comedy are not two words that I would instantly think of.

Don't you raise your eyebrows at me, Frankie.

That when I see Kate Forbes, I think

romantic comedy.

Where's she from?

She's from um

fucking Dingwall.

Is she no, she's from an island is she not?

She's a she's a Dingwalley and is Dingwall not no Dingwall's in a fucking mainland, she's from a fucking island.

She's a Dingwalter I think.

Look at her.

I used to say I always say fuck off back to Dingwall when I do a bit of stand-up about her.

So I hope she's from there.

It makes no sense whatsoever.

And I've already recorded it.

Hold on.

Fuck off back to Dingwall.

You can't do some punchline to that routine.

Let's see.

What century is Kate Forbes from?

And it's like, oh, maybe if you're English, I mean, there's good bits of English.

She was born in Dingwall, certainly.

She's a Dingwall flower.

Wait a minute, man.

Fuck's sake.

She was born in Dingwall in Ross and Cromerty.

She's the eldest of four siblings.

Her mother is a teacher and her father an accountant.

Can I be honest?

Her parents were missionaries for the evangelical free church of Scotland.

Oh, fuck.

I felt like it was a bit of a hit piece by Channel 4 when the leadership was up, and they were like, right, this mad woman's going to say some mad shit that's going to make Scotland look like it's for the fucking prehistoric age.

Listen on TV now.

Listen to Estelle.

She returned to India when she was 10 and studied at Woodstock School in the foothills of the Himalayas.

Wow.

And I would argue that's an Illuminati institution, much like Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted.

Right.

And she probably has a bunch of telekinetic abilities.

She's an omega-level mutant.

Not necessarily.

What?

She's mutated.

I was actually asked to do a fundraiser thing, and I just went, I just can't do that.

I said, I can't do it for that party, given that they've got people in that party who think that, you know, that I'm not equal to having the same rights as them.

I mean, they hold high office and actual influence in a cabinet position.

She thinks that now, but at the end of the rom-com, she'll be in love with me.

She's

a beautiful thing.

I'll be a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Me and Kate.

Cause playing as Bonnie Prince Charlie, Flora MacDonald.

Fuck's sake.

Right, go.

What do you mean, go on here?

So this cunt.

I would say move up.

I said, move up.

I would just say.

This cunt, that's how I'm using.

You'll be very welcome.

Very welcome.

Come on in.

This cunt.

Here's the thing.

Don't get your hopes up.

It's alright.

And

it's a broad church.

Scotland.

Well, no, they're free church.

Arrive with low expectations.

And you'll nobody don't expect to run yourself.

Happiness is found within, I would say.

Scotland is a wetting stone against which it's the stone against which you sharpen your blade, against which you perfect yourself.

If that episode has been out yet,

now you're saying,

now you're saying you bring yourself everywhere.

And then before you were saying you can't get away from yourself.

Which is it, Christopher?

I'm saying you can't, you need to, you need to look within

you know your the issues with your life you can't run away from them you can't Scotland's not going to solve your problems you know I think fuck looking within by the way look without people are designed to be social beings people are designed to fucking cooperate and all this constant looking within I think is there's fuck all there

What's there?

Some shit you fucking you believe because your dad told you when you were 10 and you know if you examine it it's just the product of trauma and fucking indoctrination.

I'm gonna go back to

the previous episode and the two wee guys in the train who were like,

It's tough out there.

And you're going, it's not fucking tough out there.

It's tough in here.

And pointing to his head, and you were like, Give out there a chance.

Yep, give out there a chance.

And I think that's what we need to say to this guy.

But, and you might find community in Scotland, but you also might find,

you know,

a coldness devotees, depending on what you're saying.

See, if somebody said, oh, you live in Scotland, I'm like, what do you like?

You know, what are you going to add to this?

conversation?

You've been amazing bouncer, man.

I got one of the smallest things.

So you're going to

just lifting them up.

What are you going to bring in the night club tonight?

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine Mailbag.

With Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

If you have a problem, dilemma, or issue that that you think Frankie, Susie, and Christopher can fix, email hctg at global.com.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

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