The Perfected Self

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Cheers man, have fun in London.

Enjoy.

Enjoy.

Enjoy your London brother.

See ya.

Andy, in fact, stay here a minute

while we do this.

So lads, you know, I've been doing the furniture renovation.

Yep.

And I'm very boring, right?

But I'm fully embracing my sexuality.

So last night, I was waiting for the first stain to dry before I fluffed up the wood.

And I seen that I had four bananas and four eggs.

And I thought, I'm going to make some banana bread.

Oh, my God.

So I've rolled it back like it's fucking 2020.

Yeah, yeah.

And I've brought us in some banana breads.

Do you like banana breads?

I do.

And all I've had today is a chocolate cube and a chocolate cannoli.

It's a bit fruity for me, but listen, I might have a wee bit to try.

Listen, it's good, man.

It's good for you.

And Andy, I've got, I've got yummy bit.

I've got yummy bit, so we can all just have some banana bread.

But also, lads, because Christopher came back from Australia and we met for lunch last week, which was lovely, he brought me back a cherry ripe.

Charlie, Frankie tasted for the first time, which was.

I'd forgotten about this.

We ate two courses in the

kitchen, then we started eating chocolate bars at the table.

I ate two chocolate bars.

We've given that place so much advertising, I think we could fucking do anything we want, but we could be doing coconut bars.

Which we get a fucking staff discount.

It should be.

But, lads, I brought in a classic chocolate bar.

A classic ruffle

from Scotland's

raspberry and coconut ruffle.

Have you ever had one of these?

Again, it's a bit fruity for me, to be honest with you, but I'm open for trying new things.

I'll have some banana bread and some coconut and raspberries.

Fucking try to get vegetables and fruit and eat

via cake and chocolate.

Yeah.

Andy, would you like a ruffle bar?

Ah, go on.

Have you ever had a ruffle bar?

I knew you wouldn't.

I knew you wouldn't, Andy, because you're of a certain time in Scotland and ruffle bars weren't.

What age did you arrive in Scotland, Andrew?

22.

22?

Sorry, 12.

2.

Your alibi is fucking collapsing as we speak.

You are fucking Bible, John.

Frankie.

Yes, please.

Oh, yeah.

Right, there we are.

All good.

And then we've got a joint.

Would you like some banana bread just now?

I don't know how much you're beating on, Mike.

I know you always say that, but that's the one fucking stipulation in Christopher's life.

I just know people will.

People complain about

us having colds.

Like being too close to the mic, being too far away from it.

Sometimes you listen to it and you go, that was a really good episode this week, right?

And then

you look at the kind of feedback on spotify whatever and someone will go they're too close to the mic or he whispered for a bit or I mean it's often like people are fragile I no longer look at comments man I can't even be dealing with the sexism and the misogyny I just go there's a podcast like it like it fucking hate it hate it I don't care if I was you I would ne'er look either because it is focused on women

isn't it it's men who just don't like women you know then they've just always got something to say, and it's like, Is she even really a woman?

Is she trans?

And you're just like, oh, fuck off you, chimp.

So, um,

I so I just don't look at the comments anymore.

All I look at is the listing figures, which are good, Andy, aren't they?

Aren't they sort of good in Glasgow only?

Every country in Glasgow listens to, and it's like number 100 in the charts.

You're like,

I think this is very, I think maybe we talk too much about

the sort of well, if they the subway and like three cafes that are quite close to what we record.

I don't know.

I listen to

Andy's half of the

Andy's signs.

How did you find your ruffle bar, Andy?

He loves it.

I listened to Frank Skinner's podcast with Pierre Novelli and a mad woman who's well now Sarah Barron's doing it for a wee bit, but I think the last woman's coming back.

I like Sarah Barron.

Yeah, Sarah Barron.

Sarah Barron's cool.

And they talk about the cafe and they talk about the shopping.

We've driven even Andy.

I was thinking today, because it's never going to stop, right?

But we went to Laboratoire Espresso, even though it's now a high-risk location.

I think if the old guy's in there, there's probably going to be words, but he wasn't in there.

I think you'll get kinetic choked in the head.

I went in, and it occurred to me it's a bit like, you know, in Watchmen, the Alan Moore comic, where there's a guy who's trying to escape the ship of the damned.

And

he's

like, The Mariner?

The Mariner or something?

I don't know.

There's a good theory about Watchmen that you can understand it from the point of view of the little kid who's reading the comics.

That's where the whole story comes from.

So the little kid doesn't know.

Ozzy Mandis isn't what Sabera would be called.

But the guy who escapes the ship of the damned, this guy, right?

And he gets finally gets back home and he sees intruders in his house and he kills him.

And it's his family.

And he's lost it.

And he sees the ship of the damned comes for him.

And it ends with him swimming out to the ship of the damned, right?

That's me and Laboratoire Espresso.

That is the most dramatic description

of purchasing.

But there's part of me that that's why it strikes me so much.

Is there's part of me that

embraces that misery of Laboratoire Espresso and is drawn to it.

And one day I'll buy it off the country.

We used to kinda camouflage what cafe we were talking about.

We don't, we can camouflage fucking anything.

We dox ourselves all the the time.

I was in the porn kitchen the other week, and literally, two tables came up to me and went, I'm only in here because you just talk about it in the podcast.

And I was like, fucking hell.

This is who we are.

We're like three little J-Rayners.

I've had lots of people contact me going,

what is the best Japanese restaurants in Glasgow?

And obviously, nobody's more equipped to answer that.

It's been great.

It's also like the best Japanese restaurants in Glasgow.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Check out Umami on our Gal Street.

Those Japanese footballs at Celtic must have had like no eat.

Do you know what I mean?

They must have just got a chef.

Yep.

I'll be the club chef, won't I?

I'll be the club chef because they get all their meals prepped for them, don't they?

He went Nakamura.

I know.

He went very odd and strachaminid.

They're talking to Anthony Stokes.

Fiogo, is that the guy's name?

Kyogo.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's a wee French team.

Jota, he's gone, but he's not the one.

No, he's back.

He's back.

Jota is on the back.

He's back.

He knows a little bit.

They're listening.

Jota's coming back.

It's great.

I love Jota being back.

I love Jota being back.

So you think they'll have to have their own exclusive sushi chef in Celtic Park?

No, but I think those players surely will have.

There's no way they're eating.

They're fucking swell.

You're fucking chomping through.

I think they'll be hitting up Umami.

There's a real Japanese guy in there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I was on their Instagram and they had to cancel a night because one of the sushi chefs chopped their uh something off their fingers.

So that's a that's a sign of how good it is, you know.

There are not other places I think would continue service with just blood on the fish and these guys are like, nah, I've got it, got it, got it.

But isn't cutting your finger off part of the yakuza?

So actually they've been initiated into the yakuza to fight against the Chinese secret police at the Lun Feng.

Yeah.

And they've come up with this cover story.

I um the weekend I done my shows at the Kings, I went round on the Friday Friday to the Linfunk and I was feeling a wee bit fluey and I said I just really want chicken noodle soup and they were like no bother and I was like but I want a really big bowl and she was like all right and the biggest bowl of chicken noodle soup you've ever had it was like a fucking bat of chicken noodle soup and then they gave me the tiniest little bowl to put it in the meat

and I was like okay no bother and the woman had to come over and she was like there you go there you go and honestly it was the best thing I've ever had it was amazing.

I felt amazing as it was the weekend.

Did they have the karaoke on down the stairs?

No, no, it was early.

It was early.

I'd just done the sound check, and then I just went around and then I was going back.

Nothing gets my taste buds flowing now like Chinese music.

Bad Chinese singing.

I just heard

and I'm hungry.

You know the Si Woo?

Do you know the Si Woo?

No,

so the Si Woo's at the corner of Sarrison Street and kind of Hamilton Hill, and it's a supermarket and a restaurant.

And it was my last job as an electrician before I kind of went into a more office-based role.

And

it was

this massive restaurant, massive kitchen, the length of the building, it must have been about five meters long.

And then all the rooms off it were karaoke rooms where you could also play cards.

So you'd women singing karaoke and then men playing some cards.

And I was like, oh, this is a bit making me feel uneasy.

Oh, this dimmer switch that you need for this room.

Aye, aye, either.

Aye.

And then the women's karaoke rooms had little separate bits for bathrooms for them.

Just for them.

Sounds great.

Yeah.

I'd love to have a houseway.

No.

Some Chinese.

I'd love to have a Chinese gambling thing in my life.

Chinese gambling then.

Have you ever gambled?

Did you ever like put football cookers on?

Do you buy scratch cards?

I buy scratch cards for other people

as a kind of we're bored

kind of thing.

It's for everybody, does it?

Because they're bored.

Buy it for your tour manager so they might listen.

I've won a million and fuck it.

I've seen it.

Yeah,

it'd been an absolute fucking disaster if she'd fucking won it.

But she won like 20 quid or something, I think.

And a couple of other people won 20 quid here and there.

Like, for a laugh, but I've never, like, I've never been interested.

What you're telling me is not the fucking mathematical odds.

What you're just, you've just made some up that favour you fuck off yeah and you've got a whole operation that studies what the real odds are and then offer me under it i mean give me the mathematical what's the mathematical odds of the first scorer in the cup final being a city player then okay i'll bet on it but you're going to offer me what a fifth of that aye get fucked aye aye aye that's the thrill though it's the heart of the cards

It's not the cards.

The heart of the cards.

It's not the cards.

What are you talking about?

The cards.

The thrill of the chase.

The game.

Are you into gambling?

You were very disdainful of me when I was doing the Penny Falls in Blackpool.

The Penny Falls?

Because it fucking slopes up.

You don't think there's ever been a winner?

Once?

Well,

no.

Because it slips up.

You just need to look at the side and it's kind of sloping like that.

I mean, it's like seeing people gambling, I put money in puggies, it's like when you see, you know, a fucking dog trying to shaggy statue or something

or a fucking pair of slippers.

Think there's something there that isn't in there.

If you think you're better than a dog shagging a pair of slippers, you need to gaze in with

we're all on some level shagging a pair of slippers.

It's a dopamine hanging into it, it's a dopamine hanging flashy lights in it, flashy lights.

So all the all the technology, all the psychological technology from fruit machines went into phone apps.

So all the stuff they have about

the colours, using red,

everything they have about

attention span and how how to hijack it came from buggies.

The whole thing about gambling apps and stuff is mental,'cause it's like, fair enough if you're addicted to gambling and there's a puggy in your pub and you're an alky as well, you're in there all the time.

This hangs in the corner flashing at you going

you're like, oh, I would love to go over there and use that.

But imagine you were an alky and your phone could have like whiskey pouring at it.

Imagine there was an app on your phone where just rum came out the microphone and dribbled into your mouth.

Online gambling is one of the biggest addictions in the UK right now.

I was talking to a particularly middle-class man that I know

and he was saying that he's got mates who are like doctors and architects and they've been on the brink of losing their houses in the online gambling.

People who advertise it as well, some of those are, I mean, I know someone who did that and he was just kind of you must know, you can't do that.

Just don't do it.

And listen, see if you want to put a bet on and have that app, but find

the addiction rate on on having it in phones because it's things like,

oh, you know, so-and-so's away to bed, so I'm just going to sit here and watch this.

And I'll go on my phone, and then an advert comes up, and then you click on it, and then it's like booked in, ain't ya.

A budget guard tapping on a mirror.

A terrier, shaggin, a Homer Simpson slipper.

Something really specific there.

Yeah, yeah.

Quite a lot's happened since we were last in the studio.

You've been to Australia and you've come back.

That was a big thing for me.

I went to the other side of the world for a month.

Survived.

Yeah, thank you for holding down the fort with mailbags and things while I'm away.

And then

the Pope died.

Pope R.I.P.

the Pope.

And then on the day of his funeral, Virginia Dufree died.

I mean, what are the chances?

I think

they killed her before the Pope's funeral so that she was free on a kind of liminal level, on a kind of other plane of existence to service the various deities and demons that were at the funeral.

It's It's like Marol on this podcast for you too.

She was reaching through a mirror to give a hand job to an arconic entity.

Who is maybe a budgie?

It might be a budgie.

Demonic.

You might choose to be a budgie at some point.

I don't think Dez is demonic.

Do you think Dez was at the Pope's funeral, is anyone?

I think he was just the air that they breathed.

He might have just.

Maybe he shapeshifted into one of the statues, one of the angels.

It could be a statue.

Smoke.

He might amuse himself.

in that he could be the smoke that comes out the fucking chimney

it's like forms desi's face it's one of the hangs not to speak about the x-men too much but

it's like omega level mutants and uh where like if they use their powers in a certain way they could just kill everybody on the planet magneto magneto ice man ice man ice man's like throwing snowballs at people nowadays but then if you think about it he controls all ice in the world he could just initiate a new ice age and extinct he could just turn the water in everybody's brain to to ice.

He could ice nine it like a cat's cradle and just put his finger in the ocean and turn the whole ocean.

All their adventures are just designed to distract Iceman.

Like none of them really have powers.

The whole thing is a kind of danger room.

Magneto's not even into it.

They're just trying to stop him from working out.

He can turn everyone's brain to ice.

Keep throwing snowballs, you're we guy, you know, it's distraction.

Well, I think that's maybe what maybe Dez is an omega-level shapeshifter, wherein, you know, he's everything, maybe.

Maybe he can imagine he's shapeshifted into just an alternate earth, a mirror earth.

Yeah,

he shapeshifts into

two plus two equals five.

Do you know what I mean?

And everything starts to fucking collapse.

Fuck.

Calculators start exploding in your head.

Phones.

So.

What about the Portuguese Spanish shutdown?

Did you see that?

Is that a song?

No, did you see that?

Is that a dancing condition?

The electricity went off in Portugal and Spain.

They say because

it was very hot and then very cold and then very hot again.

It was for atmospheric conditions.

I am not buying a fucking word of that.

Do you think it was Iceman?

I think

I don't think it was Iceman.

I uh no I don't I don't think it was Iceman.

I think it might have been one of two nations.

One being Russia and the other one being China.

More likely China, because they've probably got Chinese technology and a lot of their equipment.

Russia and China turned off Spain?

Switch off Portugal.

Mate, Russia turned off the fucking gas to Georgia.

Yeah, but that's a gas pipeline.

That's no.

I don't think Russia's.

Do you think that was ch do you think that was genuine?

Climate change.

I think it's like climate change is going to lead to all these kind of

breakdowns of

systems that we rely on.

So not just natural systems, but also the technological systems.

And adaptation is will be a part of that.

But how do you adapt?

Do you know what I mean?

How do you adapt to that kind of thing?

How do you adapt to and one of the things is you're adapting to something that's rising.

So they can change the tarmac on runways so that when it's 1.5 degrees hotter,

you know, it won't melt.

Britain's been suffering from this.

It's going to go higher than that.

Yeah, yeah.

Britain.

I remember we had the wrong type of snow in the railway lines, the wrong type of leaves in the railway lines.

Remember the day ended in a lie and the railway lines couldn't fucking operate?

Yeah.

Remember, fucking KFC ran out of chicken and people started phoning the police.

That's right.

So there's no way they're going to deal with fucking major power outages.

People started stalking up in toilet roll at the start of the pandemic.

Like, fuck's sake.

Just wash your ass.

Indeed.

If I was a Japanese restaurant in Glasgow, I would get a Japanese toilet in there.

That would be a massive sales point.

I would pay 30 quid a shite just to use one.

Oh my god.

35.

Mate, there's hotels in Blackpool where you can pay 35 quid for a shite.

Yep.

Yes, there is.

There's hotels in Amsterdam

where you can play for a shite to be done on you, yeah, right.

I work on it.

Now you've been out, you've watched fucking Bobby Davro.

You've had a nice game,

you've been to the Penny Falls.

Aye, aye.

You're finished showing the big dipper.

The headliner said there's no going on the pennyfalls.

You go, oh, well, the night's round.

You go, no, do you know what?

I'm going to pay for somebody to do a big shite on me.

A big shite in my chest.

Or, you know, just piss on you, or they might want you to piss in them.

Is this.

I didn't know Blackpool was the Berlin of Northumbria.

It also have those type of hotels.

Was that period where David Bowie and Aggie Popp were in Blackpool?

Remember?

That's what started it.

The Blackpool period of the work.

It's a much more natural place for fascism to rise.

Blackpool?

Yeah.

Morpedoes.

I've said this before got guys, more pedos than anywhere else in the UK.

Well, if you were a pedo, you would just go somewhere where people take their children together.

Most terrifying home.

Most terrifying home.

Most terflimble.

Circling around the fucking pleasure beach.

The dodgemas.

I'll show you the pleasure beach.

Oh, have you heard that song?

No, I don't know if I've heard that song Pleasure Beach by the new Scottish rapper Adzey Boy.

Is that the guy you sent me, the Govern Hill?

No, it's a different Glasgow rapper.

This guy's like, they call me Shagger because I always shagger.

And the song's called Pleasure Beach, that's the first two lines.

That sounds fucking terrible.

And this is why Scottish people shouldn't be doing their arm.

There's some good Scottish ramps.

There's some good ones.

Shout out to Eddie Boy and the Govern Hill mob.

But

what happened to the Pope?

He had a stroke and then he probably fucking topped himself.

He's probably just

top himself.

For fuck's sake, I can't even believe

because he's like, I'm getting into heaven every any cunt's getting in.

Yeah.

So it's just like upgrading your room at a certain level of illness.

Do you know what I mean?

Remember Pope Benedict?

Remember the one before the Nazi one?

Yeah,

he retired, right?

You can he fucking retired, and then he became Pope Ematrus, something like that.

And he moved to a fucking granny flat out at the back of the Vatican.

Is he died?

Or is he still alive?

Where the fuck is he?

Do you think he can come back?

It's like Ange coming back to see.

Aye.

What is Ange coming back?

will he come back after sports?

Well, I don't know, but people are like, maybe Brendan Rogers will leave it into his contract, then maybe Ange would come back.

This is pure fantasy.

Fan fantasy.

Fucking Frankie's fantasy.

Nobody's coming back saying, well, that's got a man.

It's okay, eh?

Carly Back came back.

Frankie's fantasy.

It's just like, I can't bring back Ange balls.

There was a local independent cinema in Melbourne in the neighbourhood of Carleton called Cinema Nova, which is one of the nicest cinemas I've ever been in my life.

And every day, they had a documentary about Ange, he's really a big deal in Australia,

especially in Melbourne.

Yeah, yeah, he's like a national hero.

Yeah, right.

I loved Ange.

I loved him.

I actually got a wee montage of pictures by a friend who had went and done it and went that's for when you moved to your new house.

And one of the pictures is when I met Ange, and I was like, I think that might be my favourite picture.

What did you say to him?

We chatted about Australia and we chatted about.

Thank you so much for coming up to me, you know.

He was really funny, yeah, and he was a nice guy.

And

he's one of these guys that loves kind of talking about the game of football and he loves comedy and he was just and his missus was lovely.

And like the fact he was like, yeah, yeah, on a Sunday if we don't have a game, I go to Petershill Park and I watch my boys play and I'm like, that is in one of the fucking roughest areas of Glasgow and there's Ange Posta Cogglu at the side just watching his boys play football.

I was like, I'd fucking imagine being one of the football dads just being like, I'll shut the fuck up today.

There's Angel Post to Cochley.

There's a man that took a country to a World Cup.

Dude, what did that?

You remember that comic Saj?

Do you ever meet him?

He's like this

guy who would do like a character.

It was sometimes a New York character and blah blah blah, but

it's straight stand-up.

But he would just, you know, kick about Glasgow and his son was playing football and it was like Walter Smith's grandkids.

And he got to know Walter Smith really well.

He's like, hey, he's a really nice guy.

And he just played coffee, Walter.

I met Walter Smith twice at corporate events.

And do you know what?

He was like the nicest guy.

He was so nice.

And he was like, proper football guy, would have a laugh with you.

And the same with McCoist.

And do you know what?

They like they both remembered you.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, they're just really fucking good guys.

And I was like, I mean,

broke my heart a few times, but fair enough.

You're nice people.

You're good people, I think, fundamentally.

You're not a a knuckle-dragger.

Do you know what I mean?

I think Ange Didney realised he stepped into a community of people who had not the best fathers.

Yeah.

And we sort of imprinted on him like a baby giraffe that sees a Jeep.

And we're like, that's dad.

A kind, caring, Greek man.

I would happily have had Ange Posta Coglu and Mick Lynch as a couple adopt me.

I'm just saying.

He completely changed.

I mean, he just came into Scotland and was like, hey, it's okay if things don't go so well.

We're going to get

it doesn't matter, you know, we're going to keep going.

And listen, you make mistakes.

And

nobody here had ever heard that.

After the first few games, we were sitting fourth in the league.

Do you remember this?

And we were sitting fourth in the league, and the press and all that were loving it, and everybody was loving it.

But the Celtic fans were like, no, man, I'm kind of alright with this because I think it's going to, I can see it's going to get better.

Do you know what I mean?

And we've got the players to do it, and he's got a track record, and then he just fucking I would say this, though, and

obviously it sounds very biased, but I think Celtic fans are more football literate.

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

And you sit in the crowd, and people go, Oh, and you can tell that they've spotted a possible pass

and all that kind of stuff.

And Rangers was always a bit more up and at him.

Why aren't we angrier?

Why aren't we fucking

because that's not really about that?

But that's

not going to be

angriest.

That was my theory about Giovanni Van Bronckhurst, that he was almost too nice a guy.

He was too much of a like, this is a guy that's played,

you know, was a young man who played for Rangers, then it was Arsenal in Barcelona, won the Champions League and all that, and he was all about try to play the football, try to play the game.

And he came through Rangers when they were a more kind of footballing team under Advocate.

And it was almost like, no,

we want blood and snores and hanging out the dressing room one day with your fists clenched and fucking.

And you're just like, What?

What's it's fucking, it's the 2020s, man.

We can he just boot the ball up the park and go through a player knee-high.

Do you know what I'm doing?

Nah, Christopher said an interesting thing there.

He went the Ed versus was it the Superego?

Oh, the ego is Celtic, and the Ed would be Rangers, the primordial

bestial

impulses.

You get Freudian about it.

What's then the Superego at the SFA?

St Mirren.

Hey, do you feel the good season?

The buddies.

I got St.

Mirror and Penn.

No, it's been not a bad season.

We've been compared to the Superego on the local podcasts.

Beat Rangers twice.

Drew with them compared to a Superego.

It's for me, there's a feather in the cap for the whole season.

We've been placed in the Freudian Superstructure by Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

I know in football.

I said Mirrin Penn last night.

Was it from Liam Liam Farrelly?

No, it was just backstage at the rum shack and

doing a WeeWhip there with Jozoo and there was a St Mirrin pen and yeah, I just thought I'll take that.

Maybe that's how I'll choose what team I support.

I'll just find pens and follow that.

Follow that journey through my life.

I'm considering becoming a Partic Thistle guy, I think.

No, no, I'll fucking stop you now.

No, no, but I'm kind of...

I'm kind of already.

To be fair, my mortgage advisor is a part of the thistle guy, so if he's listening to this, up the thistle, up the jaggies.

Up the jaggies, you know.

So would you take a hard turn into something else?

Let's take a hard turn, put your football pattern in Tay, because I haven't, I mean, I have a really pop suicide.

Let's go back to that.

I haven't really

big hang, but I don't know that

it might be too early.

Cool.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

here's how it started

the other day I'm walking through the park and I'm listening to Blood Menidine by Cormac McCarthy which takes place on the American

Mexican border the first year just after the American Mexican war it's about 1850 something like that

and it there's little summaries at the start of the chapters

And they go so they go things like an encounter with Comanches, blah, blah, blah, you know, bullet pointed what's going to happen in the chapter.

And as I'm listening to Blood Meridian, he says,

into Chihuahua, right, that's what's going to happen in the chapter.

They're going to go into the geographic area of Chihuahua.

As he says, into Chihuahua,

I'm passing

two Chihuahuas.

Right.

Like, what are the chances of that?

Like, statistically, like,

I've never passed two Chihuahuas before that I can remember.

But for the first time at hams, for someone to be saying essentially two chihuahuas,

where does that come from?

And I thought about it and I unpacked it and I've got an answer.

Right.

Right.

When the universe ends and there's all the heat has gone from the universe, the heat death of the universe, and the entropy has emerged victorious, we will have the same conditions that were there

before the Big Bang.

Right.

So who's to say the Big Bang isn't going to happen again?

I don't really believe the Big crunch.

I believe there's another big bang.

Infinite bangs.

I think the universe will become super cooled so that anything, so whatever's the final bit of energy is left will trigger the big bang.

And I think this is, this happens, this happens regularly.

Like a universe ends and then it starts again, like a heartbeat.

And that's where the universe is, right?

And our job is to

try and become better in each iteration, to try and perfect ourselves.

So if all time happens at once, which is a given, right, we just interpret it as

time to not go mad.

It's already happened.

So somewhere there is the perfected Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

There's the perfected Susie McKay.

I think you're very early iteration.

And I think the perfected Frankie Boyle sent to me the two chihuahuas.

Because that's what coincidences are.

They're the perfected self, gina wee hint, playing a wee joke.

That's nice, innit?

From the future.

Well, from the future, but a different iteration.

Now, here's what I want to know: does that mean that you're living the same life?

Like, do you meet the same people, have the same relationships, and everything?

It's all the same, but

you can change it a bit.

That's good, isn't it?

I'd like that.

And do you know what?

Probably you meet the perfected self maybe just before you're born, and it says, stay away from that woman.

Right?

And even

when he's talking about her, even when he's talking about the perfected self, he has a weak kind of glint in his eye.

Because I was saying this to Thor the other day.

And Thor said, yeah, but even the perfected self would be like, yeah.

Do you know what?

Stay away from her.

It might be like...

What if it was like, stay away from harm?

Or, look, if you're going to go there, go once.

And then never go back.

Because the perfected self might be like, listen,

you're going to have a really good one.

You can't go once, the fucking universe keeps restarting.

Going once, he's going every time.

How have we pivoted for Giovanni Van Bronckhost?

Well, he's...

Who knows where in his cycle of Van Bronckhorst he is?

I think we're I really think that's the perfected Van Bronkston.

So do you think in Buddhism when they say that oh you get reincarnated as like an animal and stuff, that's actually you get reincarnated as you, but it's the dung beetle version of you.

You know, that's like a low version of yourself, whereas an ego version of yourself, you're still you, but you're flying high versus eating shite.

Yeah, I mean I think it w it kinda chimes with the Buddhist thing.

And the Pythagoreans had this idea, eternal recurrence.

Nietzsche has a bit of eternal recurrence.

It's a soothing thought.

And you only get better.

You can never go kinda down the way.

The lads look at the pipes out.

Look at this one.

I feel like a Minecraft villager.

Fucking ten iterations time.

I'm fucking a chihuahua and a fuck pass.

Two chihuahuas.

You're in two chihuahuas.

is it a bit is it a bit glenn hoddle is what we're saying is it a bit glen hoddle all right is it a bit that

you listen

in our world well glenn or in your world pat

hodden yeah

he believed that um that's right people with disabilities oh i committed a sin in a previous incarnation yeah i don't know i don't think it is i think this is all this is heading.

Positive.

Positive.

The former Manchester United manager, Pat Hodden.

No.

None of that.

Who did he play for?

He played for Spurs.

He managed England.

That's right.

Yeah.

He managed Spurs as well, didn't he?

For a bit.

Yeah.

I remember now the documentary I watched about him.

Hoddling model.

Hodling model.

On top of the pops.

Yeah, I mean, Blip and I'm a mad book.

He'll do things like that to you.

You know, he'll send you for a thought.

I don't think the book is what sends your thoughts like that.

Not enough people get in a band together because their names rhyme anymore.

Do you know what I mean?

Who did that?

Hoddle and Waddle.

Who was that?

It's Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle, two

England footballers.

And they're the best players.

Yeah, they did the song together because the names rhymed.

Right.

And they had the...

It was Fairy Eats, wasn't it?

They had their grey suit jackets and their sleeves.

Oh, okay.

All the way up.

And it was a hip-hop song, or it was...

I was not a hip-hop song.

It was a romantic ballad.

Oh, okay.

The new Jack Swing.

Okay.

I'm not familiar with the work.

Could you give me a little bit?

No.

Let me tell you, there were no John Barnes.

There were no John Barnes.

There's a man who knew how to rap.

I've been watching Roy Keene's super compilations on my Instagram

to try and understand.

He's a really kind of...

Now he's like the opposite of Angel Posta Cogley.

Have you ever met anyone from Cork?

Yeah, I've met two.

That's kind of like he's like a world-class footballer, but from Cork.

It's like a comedy sketch.

I thought they were pretty jolly when we went.

Oh, yeah, I mean, he's got there's a darkness to him,

it's the darkness.

Yeah,

and the way you were saying, oh, you know, Scottish people are kind of shocked to the system.

This Greek Australian guy who's kind of, you know, he's a good dad essentially for a country to have.

I feel like Roy Keene is maybe the dad that Glaswegian people are used to.

An Irish.

Yes, yes.

An Irish person who hates smiling and parties.

Yes, well, I that's.

I'm a big smiler.

No, not you.

Not you, not you.

I'm just saying.

I think from our generation back, I think you're pretty much spot on.

Yeah.

I think that is exactly who Roy Keene is.

I think that's a phenomenal description.

Thanks.

Just a fucking angry Scottish duh.

He just doesn't seem equipped to beat in the world.

He seems completely like a

shaken guy.

I mean, he's like, you know, obviously he seems quite happy with himself and his friends all find him funny and stuff.

But the things he says, you're like, mate, you need

to get your act together.

Nice.

Yeah.

Not challenging, Roy Keene.

Yeah, an emotional duel here.

But we don't know what stage of perfecting his self, which universe.

Roy, if I don't know if Roy listens to the podcast, but if you have

theories about how many universes you've been through and

what stage of perfecting your soul and releasing yourself from the wheel of suffering you're at.

Maybe Roy is a perfected court command.

I think, yeah.

Well, when you're saying that we're all in the wheel of suffering, we're all getting perfected.

I assumed we were all at the same stage and then every one of us will be better in the next one.

And then the world will be better.

But it seems maybe we're all in different

perfection.

I think that would complicate my theory too much, so I'm rejecting it.

Okay,

this does not fit in with my theory, so no.

I was on Bridal Hinemy's podcast.

Oh, I like him.

I like him.

What is his name again, Brian?

Brian James O'Sullivan.

Brian James O'Sullivan.

That's his acting name.

He's in Macbeth.

He's like a real.

I saw him in Macbeth and he got me discounted tickets.

Nice sense of tonight, because I gave him a quote from his poster.

That's how Scottish comedy works.

Scottish comedy works.

that's true

um

maybe maybe he listens to this and he was influenced by the kind of chat he wanted to bring to me but my conversation with him began with him talking about the existence of a kind of second

catholicism there's a kind of oh fuck the palmyan

branch or something that's like there's a branch of Catholicism who rejected the

that when people were doing mass they used to read it in Latin and then it got changed to English at some point Apparently there's a branch of Catholicism out there that's like no that was a step too far We still do things in Latin and they've got their own second pope and He was saying oh, maybe this second Palmyran pope.

Well

there's a lot of popes and anti-popes, but there's a black pope.

There's all kinds of

Yeah, but like a demonic

black pope.

Well, he's portrayed as demonic, isn't he?

Well, maybe he's a good guy, I don't know.

Because the Catholic Church is essentially racist.

There's been times when there's been two popes, there's been gay popes, there's been a woman pope.

Do you know they carry the pope on a chair over the cardinals when he's elected?

So there's a hole in the chair so they can look up and check that he's got boss.

Yep.

Did you see Conclave?

No, but that bit wasn't in it.

No.

I think it would be a plot hole.

I interviewed Slazov Zizek.

And he told me the plot of Concave.

And I told him about the Bauviewing chair.

And he was like, this is true.

And I was like, yeah, take it from a Catholic.

Was it not like the 13th or 14th century?

And it's because they see it as a monarchy and a throne.

That if you have a woman, then the children can lay claim to the throne.

And they're like, Nah, we can't be having that.

And that's why priests also don't marry.

Among other reasons.

Well, I mean, very hard to marry a nine-year-old altar by

best man's speech.

Is somewhere you guys can get conquered.

Fruit shoes.

If everybody could lift a fruit shoe, toast the happy couple.

Wow.

It was a it was quite an affair, the funeral, wasn't it?

It was quite an affair.

It was uh I mean there wasn't enough kind of funeral bangers for my liking.

I'll be honest with you.

But I was looking for a wee battle walk with me, oh my lord, or do you know what I mean?

Walk with me, my lord.

No, no, that's Protestant.

Can you hear the guitar in your Pro DM?

Clap.

Clap.

The fucking.

They always have a kind of liturgical quality, Catholic ones.

Walk with me, oh my Lord.

Through the darkest night and brightest day.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a great tune.

And then, like, have you better raise you up?

Or

you raise me

so I can stand stand on the bottom.

I'm gonna get him a copy of hymns old and new.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Some beltos.

Looking back, a lot of the prodigy hymns I was raised on are kind of country western songs.

He beat me in the morning, he beat me in the afternoon.

If I had a hammer, a hammer, every day.

Selda game at the weekend, they were singing Arve Maria, like in Latin.

Yes, it's like if you don't know Scottish football this must be fucking weird man.

Even if you do.

Unless you're Spanish.

Yeah I guess the Spanish do it as well.

Aye, Spanish and Italians and Portuguese.

But I it was a

it was a it was an affair rabbit.

Trump not even wearing a black suit.

He's such a big prick.

What was he wearing?

A blue suit.

Can he be cutting about in a blue suit tiff, you know?

Even Zelensky was in fucking black fatigues although he did look a bit like one of mussolini's black shirts to be fair but i am in

it's camp in it it's camp

oh catholics catholics

it's fucking like you're sitting looking at it and you're going fuck this is gay as fuck

what about when they move the body and it was people like

crawling and they did oh no fucking weird jesus's body going in your mouth it doesn't say what bit his body is.

Cock could be his cock.

He's tricked.

Cock balls.

Millions of people and he putting his cock in pointing finger.

Yeah.

Wouldn't we all know it was Mary that was doing that?

Mary Magdalene.

Mary Magdalene wasn't a prostitute.

No, it was.

No, but she was kissed, she was castigated as well.

Yeah, they just said that after.

She was sort of more likely to be a funder to be a patron, because she was wealthy.

Right.

So she was like the first among the kind of women who followed him.

She was the female equivalent of Peter, and Peter hated her.

And maybe Peter was a misogynist.

Or also in love with Jesus.

And also, maybe.

I mean, he was a, I mean...

Come on.

You think so?

But also, you don't need to be gay to be in love.

Like, I've seen guys be in love with

a guy who who watched the cooking between

the two.

I don't think it was a gay thing.

I think it's just like a kind of men are equipped for a certain kind of worship.

My pal was saying this.

In fact, Louise Stewart, who's going to do the Dungeons and Dragons thing, she said, she was talking about James Bond.

This guy did a hang about James Bond, and she was like, I don't think women fancy James Bond.

And I was like, I think men fancy James Bond.

James Bond is sort of like the Hellenic, older warrior.

He would have broken you in, kind of thing,

initiated you,

and that's what we see in

so

there is that thing where they say women want to sleep with them, men want to be them, right?

And I genuinely think when you apply that rule,

men want to sleep with them.

Men want to sleep men.

I think that there's a gayness inside everybody, and this idea of oh, they're in love with him but they're not gay.

It's like this.

It's a spectrum, in it.

I think the kit right.

I'm going to say this in the fucking light of the past few weeks.

I think the younger generation have got it right with regards to sexuality being fluid and being like you like what you like, but it doesn't mean to say that you can't have feelings for somebody of the same gender or a non-conformist gender or whatever it is.

And I think it's got to be about

like I think for a lot of people, it's about personality.

Maybe, I think maybe the younger ones have got it fucking right.

I think they're just like, listen, everybody that's against that is just really fucking uptight about it because they're like

the world is binary the world is black and white fits in with my theory of the perfected self yes so i'm

all i care about is does it you've been radicalized by these chihuahuas

in a country park you know you come into a podcast and you go don't mention the chihuahua restarting the universe thing it's like talking to david lynch about transcendental meditation it's like if if you fucking start talking about TM, that guy's just going to speak about meditating for an hour or so.

Jack D used to have a fucking great joke when he started out about, you know, there's always a teacher and they had one fucking thing that was their hobby or something.

And if you could get the subject on and then talking about that,

and it was like, you know, the First World War or something.

And if you'd be like, but what would have happened with that in, say, 1917?

They're like, well,

and you wouldn't have to do any work for an hour.

Weaponizing your teacher's autism against them for the sake sake of the class.

Get a special interest going.

True.

True story.

What was your teacher's interested in that you could?

I think I thought about it before.

I had a music teacher who's obsessed with Bannock Bunn.

Right.

You'd think that'd be the history teacher.

No, I was a music teacher with a wooden leg

on a fucking show on Radio Clyde.

Peg Leg McGee over here.

Peter Malin, the good ship.

Welcome to the Good Ship Mallon at Midnight.

So he was embracing the pirate nature of his leg.

I don't think that had occurred to him.

Right.

When I went to my secondary school, this guy had left, but when my brother was there, it was Bob Crampsey.

All right.

Bob Crampsey was the He Dee.

Oh, nice.

Aye, aye.

Ask him about football.

Knew everything about football.

I fucking knew lots about football, didn't he?

Knew loads.

But I, so he was the heady when my bro was there.

It's alright.

I had a teacher who lived in, taught in, and had grown up in Coatbridge.

And he just told us the history of, let me tell you about the Monkland Canal.

And he would just fucking bore you

to the point where you're like, listen,

let's talk about the Second World War because it's going to be much more interesting than the fucking Monkland Canal.

Anyone that's into local history, I'm always like, you should fucking read about Paris, mate.

You should fucking read about some place where shit happened.

If you find fucking monklands, this interesting.

Someone has to be.

gonna blow your fucking mind someone has to be in love with the monklins canal

we can't all i'm just do you know what i mean i'm just

he's an edge lord

he's got a few controversial things to say about the local canal systems

the local artists are in love with it

it's wild but you know people for years train spotters were a fucking

regular target for everybody before we knew.

Oh, they were like neurodivergent.

So now it's fucking somebody else.

Neurological.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do people still do train spots?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's huge on TikTok.

They love it.

It's huge on TikTok.

Train autism.

What's his name?

Francis the Bourgeois.

Bourgeois, Bourgeois.

He's got a GoPro in his head, he goes, I'm here at King's Cross station

and look at this, it's a XO210.

Oh, and he runs down the platform, going, Oh,

he's very posh, that's what Christopher's impression is.

Thanks for coming.

Listen back to it and see if you want to leave it in or not.

That's our perfect friends,

but they have stuff of in like ancient Greek times of people who would go to the harbour and look at all the ships and know when the ships were coming in.

There's a kind of

transport autism.

My girlfriend's autistic.

I like astronomy.

I can't fucking slag anybody.

I'm in love with Japan.

I'm daydreaming about getting jets of water squirted up my bum hole across the planet, you know.

That's autism, but

it's not.

But she was saying it's a shame because there's less um I was having a discussion with her last night and she was saying it's a shame because there's less autistic jobs.

It used to be oh you could be a tour guide or something and you could say the same thing every day, and that's like a soothing thing where you get to explain your special interests.

You work at the fucking caves of some cave or something, and people come and you go, and this cave started here, and blah blah blah.

Like the Monklands Canal person, do you know what I mean?

If you're like a, she was saying, if you're like a, maybe I shouldn't be using my girlfriend's pattern, she's a fucking podcast as well, but if you're like a fucking uh, what's that called?

Where you were in charge of the telephones being put into each other?

Telephone operator,

operator, yeah.

There's another word for that.

If you were at the exchange, exchange kind of thing, you're at the exchange, and you're going, Yeah, put me through the thing, man.

You go, Yeah, I know exactly where that we telephone plug has to go and stuff.

That would be an artistic-friendly job, but it's now a robot, does it?

These fucking robots.

I was thinking that today.

I hope in the podcast we'll go with these fucking robots.

But somebody could AI us and you could just run every podcast we'd ever done a robot, and he could come up with a new opinion about the

barely make sense, and it would totally not be funny.

We're protected from AI because AI canny be funny or it can only be funny by accident.

So, I've done a couple of conferences.

I did a conference in Newcastle with some experts in AI talking about whether AI can write jokes.

And basically, it can write thousands of jokes, but it cannot find a good one.

So, maybe

you guys' job would be to sift through the slop.

It's already if you're running a show, if you're a showrunner on a fucking, you know,

Andy does

Andy's neuro

slop shifter

what you're doing a podcast I just I'm a sort of slop sifter

but but there'll be a point when AI has completely taken over where comedians are the only people kept alive because it doesn't even know what's funny so it uses us a bit like a taster and it's like is this funny and we'll even when it gets funny we'll have to pretend not to laugh well we'll have to be like oh no really and that's what the new show on Amazon

is.

That's preparing us for it.

I was talking to a mutual friend of mine and yours, Frankie, and I was showing him.

Is he my enemy?

No, you've just never met him.

Fuck's sake, just look at you.

Come here for a cuddle.

She's talking to the guy who doesn't like me, Dick.

So needy, isn't it?

So needy.

Like, fucking hell.

So, talking to a mutual friend of yours, and I was telling him that I was taking, I had pictures on my phone that I was uploading to AI, and I could choose my paint colour and my flooring colour and all that.

And he was saying that if he'd done that on a design package, the package would cost thousands and it would take ages to do, right?

Whereas you can literally just upload a picture and because he was like, How do you do that?

And I was like, Then you just type in, can I have this area or the wood this colour?

And can I have it?

You're doing this on Chat GPT or something.

It was fucking incredible.

I only just like get shown it the other week.

And then I sat down with our mutual friend and he was like, That's fucking brilliant.

I only sat and looked.

I looked at the what's the Chinese one?

Deep mind or something like that.

Like a real proper sci-fi terrifying name.

And then

I mean, oh, you know, it's like a horror story idea in this in the style of Flutters and Welsh or something.

And they were all shit.

I mean, it's absolute.

When it comes to like creative things that actually need a spark, it's absolute bollocks.

And what it's there for is like generating PR copy.

And the people who've been out of work are people who hated their fucking job anyway.

Of typing up the blurb for a fucking DVD or something on a fringe show or any of that shit.

It's good for that, but if you wanna go, what would be a good idea for a fucking drama series?

I mean, wait till you see what comes out.

It'd almost be like

working with people who weren't creative and try to get them to do something that is creative because they just kind of do it.

Anyone been in BBC Scotland lately?

No, but I met Judith yesterday.

I bumped into Judith yesterday, the lovely Judith Ralston.

She's a human being.

She's a great person.

She's a great person.

She's such a sweetheart.

Evil machine.

Doing a show with Gradle.

Yeah.

One of Scotland's adventure locations.

That's cool.

I just feel like there's a wee guy out there whose job would be to go.

I think that colour would be smashed.

Exactly.

He's been done out a job by this robot.

100%.

He's going to go hungry.

At least he's been done out a job by a robot and no nepotism.

He's fucking shitting on someone's chest in blackpool three times a night.

Yes.

That's like, I mean, you've got to fucking charge, haven't you?

Because how many shits are you doing a night?

It's a lot of week of pics.

It's a lot.

It's a lot of bran.

That's a good point.

Do you think

maybe this is a bit blue?

But do you think?

Do you think there's guys who are like, I paid you to do a shite in my chest?

That was diarrhea.

I want a more solid fucking

practice.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Of course they are.

I think everyone haggles

before and after the chest shit.

That was too watery.

It ran down my pits.

Oh, Jesus.

Not to be too blue.

Not to be too blue.

I know it's a family podcast.

People put this on when they're driving up and they

see sweet carecoms with the kids my uh my niece

puts this on no coming back

my niece got in the car with her a

kid who's in like primary one and it came up with a logo and she went oh is auntie susie swearing again and i was like oh this is how this kid

imagine the idea the perfected self takes off and just dominates Scotland and we become like a race of Spartans.

Imagine winning like sporting tournaments and stuff.

Wild.

World Cup, Scotland winning.

Just a wee philosophical tweak.

Do you know what I mean?

There's a fucking statue of me and George Square with two fucking chihuahuas.

On your shoulders, like Pauldrons.

You and John Swinner.

Matites, like fucking Romulus and Remus.

The two chihuahua, yeah.

Romulus, I think, would be a great name for a dog.

What?

Romulus.

Romulus.

Romulus.

Come back here.

Roman.

Stop pumping that man's leg, Romulus.

I wouldn't sound like that, but Romulus.

Fucking back.

You project your voice in the park, though, don't you?

Yeah, but no, that park.

For fuck's sake, I don't know where you're.

Although, talking about that, I was walking through the West End yesterday, and I seen a young man, maybe about 20, 21, with a cane and a boater.

Nice.

And I was like, oh, this is a bit like Maurice.

Maurice, the gay film.

And I thought, don't need to tell me.

Oh, I know.

True.

On the saved TikTok videos.

And I was thinking, where are you going?

I wanted to know where he was going and what he was doing.

But he had a cane and a botter and a cravat.

And I was like, that's quite exciting.

There's a guy called it's got Pinson Taylor in or something.

He came to a gig of mine one time in Hastings and

he was decked out like a Victorian dandy.

And he's a tailor, and he does all this stuff, and he does all this kind of like regency

gear and all that.

Striped blazers, he's got all sorts of SNGs on Instagram.

But anytime I see him, it lights up my feed.

I think, that's great.

There's people out there dressed as Mr.

Darcy

having a ball.

Do you know what?

I kind of think to myself, ugh, fair fucks.

I had this discussion with my mate.

mate was wearing some fucking really long like kind of trespass winter jacket but it had some cool pattern on it from some designer I don't know and

we were looking about and she was like I lived in you know when she lived in France for five years she went French fashion is so different that to British fashion because we almost dumb ourselves down whereas they kind of project out as do most of Europe in it and then she was just saying like how it kind of gave her the confidence to wear something that's you know three-quarters long and had big fucking daisies or whatever on it.

And I was like, Yeah, and I was thinking about that guy where he's bordered in his cane, and I thought, how exciting when he gets up in the morning and he goes through his wardrobe with his cane and looks at what blazer he's going to wear.

Yep, 100%.

TK Max, just fucking fucking pardon this.

He was pummel TK Max.

But I'm just like,

that's a fucking great way to wake up in the morning and just be like, I think I'll wear my boater today,

my nice red velvet cravat,

my blazer, and I'll take my cane and just dandy on down through Glasgow town.

We've all got to think of this at the point

where society starts to break down,

we will all be of an age where, well, not all, Christopher, but we'll be getting to the age where we can reasonably carry a stick, a big shillelette or whatnot, and leather cunts wet.

Yeah.

I think that's gonna work out nicely.

I want a kinda mast kind of stick, you know, like

a staff, that's what I meant.

I want a staff that you can pick up if you go through like a nice park and you think I'm just gotta have a fucking staff.

My dad I was in a motorcycle accident and he had to walk with a cane for a while and he's a bit of a I wouldn't say was a dandy, but something to him.

He's a man of fashion.

The clothes horse and he got all types of canes to kind of embrace his disability.

So he got like a cane with a rabbit head for a handle.

And the trickster.

The trickster.

That's what they call it.

I think we should get canes.

This is I'm not sure.

The East End trickster hairdresser.

I'm fucking honestly that guy, he blew my wee mind and I thought.

I think it's cool when you see somebody doing their own thing and

you know, I'm definitely when I was a wee guy, I used to dress pretty bizarrely sometimes.

Not didn't look good, but you know, I was doing my own thing, expressing myself.

I think it's nice, you know.

As long as I'm not like a fucking,

yeah, I'll dress like I'm for the 1700s because that's how I feel about

the chronology or something.

I wouldn't have made a cloak coming back.

I wouldn't have mindful cloak on.

Like a wee cloak.

I remember when I made my first Holy Communion.

It was the A's.

You were cloaked?

I had

a blue velvet cloak.

Oh, fuck yeah.

The Virgin Mary type thing.

Blue velvet cloak.

It was fucking.

I was like, Can I be Batman?

My dad's just fucking pulling.

He said out, he's like, get your proper shoes on.

You can't wear a pair of Adidas kick

to your Holy Communion because I snuck them on under my dress because I didn't really wear the shoes.

And they were like,

I was like, right, okay, when do I get the cloak?

And they were like,

I was like, I'll be Batman.

And they're like, you're a fucking riot.

I think if the three of us get cloaks and kind of canes, dash, cloaks and canes, we're the very opinion formers

that if the cloak and cane industry would seek to court,

if you get out there, we're looking for sponsors.

If the cloak industry is listening, I think we could talk to our friend Harrow bespoke joinery to make

a cloak joiner?

We could easily make a cane.

Like, I thought

we've given them a lot of plugs, man.

We could be the three god kings in Utiwala.

We've not seen any

wooden goods.

I know I need bedside cabinets, man.

I need a coffee table and a rug.

I sent you a link to Little Persia.

You put all a forever.

So me and Frankie were walking home.

When we had lunch last week, we were walking back to our ends.

And

we walked past, if you know if you ever walk past this place, on Woodlands Road next to the stand.

And it was this nice sunny day.

And there were three guys just sitting on Turkish rugs, smolting, lying down in in the pavement, lying down,

just kind of

just blasting cigs,

hanging out on rugs in the sunshine.

And I was like,

that's the life.

That's it.

They've got it.

As I was saying to Christopher, I saw a glint in their eyes of

that's the life.

Imagine being a podcaster.

Imagine just strolling about to get coffee.

No rugs to sell.

The fresh air is your cigarette.

Having a Japanese-based lunch every time you're a corn.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.