Here Comes The Guillotine Live in Aberdeen - Part 2

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes. It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine. I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

His Majesty's Royal Theatre, please put your hands back together for Here Comes the Guillotine. It's Frankie Boyle, Susie McKee, Cretan, McCarthy.

Fucking yes, man.

Can I ask what

the fuck is this?

It's called a Mori Cup.

Hashtag bring Moray Cup back.

Is this a straight out of Diddy Stash? No.

I think it's like eel juice. It's Mori eels.
Is it no Murray? Right. A Murray cup.
Thank you for cheering anyway, even though I butchered it. That's very nice.
Limited edition fruit flavour drink.

Should we have a wee bit?

Of course.

I did a tour very early in my career of the Murray area which attracted attracted a headline in a local paper. Comedian says Murray folk are daft.

Front page news.

It smells...

What smells like that? It smells like cola cubes. Remember the old cola cubes? Oh, I don't mind it.
It smells like it's fermented or something. It smells...

It's ice cream soda, but wrong.

I like it. It's kind of like blood.

I'm all for it. You like it because it'll it'll fucking rot your teeth.

Fizzy blood.

Limited edition.

Do you remember the wine woman on food and drink? Remember that the programme? Just you relax.

This was in the 90s.

And she had to taste iron brew once, and she couldn't describe it. And you were like, you're a fucking twat.

How would you describe the taste of iron brew? I'd say it's like someone left coins and sprayed.

I would kind of say bubble gum, but okay.

Yeah, maybe.

Apparently, if you give it to American people, they go, it tastes like bazooka joe bubble gum.

That was a very convincing American accent.

Well, there we go. So, would this be the drink that you took to a school disco with a quarter bottle of vodka in it?

I write

fair fucks, Aberdeen. It's fruity.

It would be nice with rum in it.

I wouldn't mind a rum and moray juice.

Murray.

Sailor Murray, you can call it.

If you had that with rum, your teeth would fall out.

If you had like spiced or dark rum, that's quite. I'm fucking fed up with my teeth.

You wouldn't be able to eat.

I'll just get somebody else to chew it and spin my

like a fucking baby bird

right

we have an absolutely very special guest Frankie would you like to introduce this person?

Yes I would ladies and gentlemen could you please welcome a fantastic comedian and good friend of ours Mr. Glenwell

And the audience says, who?

I've never heard of you either.

You used to have a podcast with Frankie before this. I did, and then he replaced me with two lesbians.

What was it called? It was called Freestyle. Freestyling.
And we did, I don't know how many albums, but they were very long. Like the last one was like five hours long.

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't commercially successful.

We had one that was called like the three-sided album volume five, when that was like the third album or something. I think that lost everybody at that point.

But it was just us it was the early days of podcasts. Yeah.

It's how I met my last wife, who just became my second ex-wife. So

yeah. So if anyone's out there listening to this,

stay awake.

That's podcast. That's fucking cost mine.
I know. That's like a monkey's paw.
Yeah.

Although, it was the reason I've got two wonderful children. So there.

Thank you, four people.

Boy, Aberdeen sure likes it.

You liked it way better when it was a sad story.

That's Aberdeen. That's Aberdeen.
It's the reason I'm stuck in a custody battle for my dog.

I know, it's bad, aren't it? You get your kids. I can't get access to my dog yet.
I'm Joel. I've seen her the other night.

But aren't you actually

marry? No.

To be fair, I have married lesbians with hairier faces than Glenn.

Are you sure that was their faces.

I thought they can see to your podcast

we're both on mushrooms.

No, only on one podcast will be on mushrooms. I used to sort of do I don't want to denigrate Glenn, but I used to do a lot of the admin of the podcast and and

I would edit it and so on. And of our mushroom session, only one sentence of Glenn's stuff stayed out.

Because we went to a place near Amsterdam to do recording, and we went and

took a mushroom truffle thing.

And mine, I just felt okay, like I felt a little trippy, it was fine. And as we were walking down the hotel corridor, it seemed to be like outer space, briefly, like we were just suspended in space.

And I got into the hotel room and I said to Glenn, you know, when I was walking down the corridor, I had a little effect like we were walking in out of space.

And Glenn went, I don't think that was an effect.

Reality was disappearing behind me. Like every step I took down the hall, it was like crumbling away.

How come Glenn got Amsterdam and mushrooms, and we get the centre of Glasgow and a fucking Nippon kitchen?

Like I'm feeling a wee bit robbed. You know, I've often often said we should do a road trip.
We should go to the Mary from Dunlow Festival in Donegal.

Christopher refuses to go to the Mary of Dunlow Festival because he's a bigot. It's not because I'm a bigot.

I'm afraid I'll fall in love, man.

That's it, really. With Daniel Adonnell,

when he's judging the competition, are you sure now you may be fine, Mary?

I don't know why I fall in love in Donegal.

um I'm I'm excited for you to have you, Glenn. You're one of my favorite comedians.
Sit to you by stage. Sorry to be Ernest, but uh you had one of the best.

It was a show I seen a few years ago and you were talking about uh hosting the Kerrang Awards. Oh yeah.

I got in trouble.

'Cause w it was about ten years ago.

I had to present an award at the Krang Krang's like a heavy metal magazine and I asked them if they could facilitate it, that I would present one of the categories, that it would make sense.

That I opened the envelope and said, and the winner is Lost Prophets.

And

if you don't know what happened,

the Lost Prophets lead singer turned out, Ian Watkins, he turned out to be one of the worst pedophiles ever.

Or the best.

It's depending on how you feel about them.

But Kerrang didn't want to let me do it. They were like, people would get offended.

Marilyn couldn't touch his heroin afterwards.

Atlas Cooper was unable to sing cold ethyl when he heard the terrible joke. So, what I did

was I went on stage and I said,

I was initially going to come up here and do a gag about the lost prophets, but the joke was so juvenile, Ian Watkins fucked it.

And now I'm banned from Korean.

That's the type of joke we hear and you go, okay, well, that's not your favourite committee.

Do you know what Ian Watkins's computer password was? So the police took him in and

they came in and they said to him, Look,

we've got your computer, so we've and we've worked out the password. So

do you want to tell something nah?

And his password was, Mr. IFuckKids.

Which should have been a red flag.

Hold on.

Again, Again, I'm going to ask, is this like documented? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's in jail. He's in jail.
No, I know he's in jail.

Just because he's in jail, we can just take it. But it's hard for him to sue us and go, well, they've ruined my reputation.

I might have fucked kids. I didn't fucking create

it.

I'm finding it very difficult to go in the courtyard now.

Tell me this, was he done for that, or was he done for having porn on his computer? Like, was it the worst of the worst?

No, it's way worse.

I can't fucking read things like that. I'm just like, nah, fucking string them up beast cock.

But it's just more that I'm a feminist though. I told my

I can't read things like that, so I never really went in there. I just see the headline and go, oh no, not for me.

But that's so I never realised that that hey, I just presumed it was just. But then I got some good material out of it, so...

You have to weigh these things up.

You used to say you were going to open a Lost Prophets to two removal parlours.

I'll be honest, I thought the Lost Prophets were shite anyway. Fuck, they were terrible.
It's like, do you know what I mean? It's like if you are a pedo, you have have to be a genius.

Well, like Gary Clutter? No, well,

that well-known fucking songwriting genius. I'm just saying, Michael Jackson's up here.

Biggest-selling album of all time. Incredible dancer.

Theme park running. He was brilliant at that.
Can I be honest? Michael. Can we be honest?

Do you reckon it was the poor quality of the later work that made people start to go, okay, we're not just going to have this anymore, Michael? You release another thriller or you're going to jail.

I always thought Michael Jackson was shite. No!

I did. I grew up at a time like a dumber brother who's into music never fucking listening to Michael Jackson.
It was almost like he knew he was a wrong

ABC Jackson 5. Jackson 5 is the Michael Jackson.
That's the only solo career, isn't it? Oh, but he was one of the five.

It was him and four other people.

Also, Also, Jacksons.

Yes.

So. I don't think you can compare the Jackson 5 to Michael Jackson.
So look at you. I think that's fucking wild chat.

I'm just saying. Say he had some good songs.
You said you looked at his record sales and you were talking about him. No, the Jackson 5.
So that's what I'm saying. He was very talented.

People still listening to Michael Jackson. Nobody listens to Gary Glitter because he was shy.
Two good songs. He was like the cult Riddle Michael Jackson.

He was a black black guy with a white face who walked backwards,

screaming in a high-pitched voice.

He was a sentient yin-yang. He was very fucking David Lynch, the whole thing.

Whereas Lost Prophets were shite and the guy wanted to pump babies, so it's like, well, I'm sorry, brother, but you cannot do that.

Yeah, we've listened to the song and it's not good enough.

It'd have to be a fuck of a song to be far.

Still away to heaven.

I'm trying to think of you what the second Gary Clotter song is that you said was good. The Christmas one.

It's a rock and roll, Christmas. It's Christmas, rock and roll.

Was that Gary Clutter? Yeah.

No?

No,

I think you just made that up.

Which is shock.

It's distressing because it's like, is this song good enough?

Is that a laptop in your hand?

Yes. Oh, geez.

Don't go for surfing on that after that song.

Take your passport then, Christopher.

I love playing with Committee.

Hey, producer Andy here.

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to fellow Canadian Glenn Wool for joining Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd during Here Comes the Guillotine Live at His Majesty's Theatre in Aberdeen.

Check out his podcast, Egits of the World, which you can find on all major streaming sites. Excuse the accent, that's Egits, E-E-J-I-T-S.
Egits of the World.

Also, follow Glenn Wool on socials for any gigs he might be doing in your area. Cheers.

Hey, we are

enough, Pedo Chat.

We have the beloved feature of Here Comes the Guillotine:

The Mailbag. Yes, the mailbag's here.
Are you enjoying the mailbag?

It's a fucking shambles in it.

I can't believe that people genuinely come at us with our problems. Some of them, I'm like, that's a fucking real problem.
We can't talk about that.

I'm like, you can just fucking not pass judgment on this person's life. No.

And what's your password, man?

It's on your phone. It's on my phone, shit.

Can I just say, while you're doing this, there's other features I think we should get on the podcast. And one is Cat's Paul McGraw.
Cats Paul McGraw.

Where we get someone to be a cat's pawn, do things the listeners want done, but they don't have the strength or courage to do. Break up with people, threaten folk.
That's my life, Frankie.

That's my life.

But we just hire a guy and we call him Cats Paul McGraw. We get him out on the fucking case for folk.

No, because we would have this media would be like, let's get somebody to threaten Christopher and pretend it's a listener.

So we've been taking mailbags from everybody through the QR system.

Some of them were one-word suggestions,

wank,

balls.

Some of them were real ones. I think this one's quite cute.
I've taken a look during the interval.

Hi, Frankie, Susie, and Christopher. And they didn't say Glenn, but I'm assuming you would say to Glenn's world.

We came all the way from Seattle, Washington,

USA, to see this podcast recording here in Aberdeen. As ashamed and terrified.
How cool is that? Red applause for

ashamed and terrified Americans soon in need of extradition, which country will it be easiest to achieve citizenship in or illegally escape to under the government's radar? Love the show and you all.

Katie and Dan.

Welcome, Katie and Dan. Katie and Dan, of all the places you could have came in Scotland, you picked Aberdeen.

That's where we are with America. No offense, Aberdeen, but it's fucking the first of March.
You know what I mean? You're not exactly tropical.

There's an Aberdeen in Washington as well. There is.

There is. There's an Aberdeen in Saskatchewan.
Is it an Aberdeen in Saskatchewan? There really is.

I wouldn't lie about that. I would suggest you guys could move to Canada, but you're about to annex us.

It might not work in the end. There's an island off the coast of Seattle that I've often thought of living on called Orca Island.

Yeah, it's surrounded by orcas and it seems to be full of hippies. I've gone so far as looking up their community note pages and so on.

And I thought, once I hit like 60 or so, I'm going to go over there and just fuck my way through it.

Fucking ruin the place. Bring some weird Scottish venereal disease, really finish off the place.

But it looks great. It looks like a fantastic place full of like...

I feel I could have a kind of, you know, murder chivote style life over there.

Just you tell me,

you know, just dead bodies.

If the murders started when you showed up, I think I know who did it.

But yeah, I would go to Orca Island in the first instance. That looks great.
But they're looking to get out of America, I think, with that question. Okay, that's a problem then.

What about Mexico? Yeah, I would love to go to Mexico. Yeah.

Easy access to pharmaceuticals.

That's what I thought too, about when Trump was all this, you know, make Canada the 51st state. He's like, yeah, you can vote and you can have freedom of movement.
You'd be one of us.

It's so rude. Like, it's not, Canada's not his only neighbor.

So, like, Mexico is like,

no,

growth, build a wall.

Like, maybe that'll be the way to get him to leave Denmark alone, just change greenland to brown land, and then he won't want it anymore.

What is this to achieve citizenship? And fucking fucking um

just come here.

No,

don't fucking do it to yourself.

Don't fucking come here. Jesus Christ, no.
Look at the fucking state of this country. We've just offered a felon a fucking unprecedented second state visit.
The veil fucking sausage fingers.

While that fucking waxwork dummy of a Prime Minister's standing there looking a fucking ballback, don't come fucking here.

Here Stammer has already started to look like he's fucking Madam Two Swords waxwork.

It's the thing when he gets the letter out, you know, he's talking to Trump and you're like, don't fucking go and appease a fascist and then get a bit of paper in your hand.

That's the last fucking, the last fucking prop you want to fucking pull out. The only thing that's missing here is you walk down the fucking steps of my plane, you prick.

Peace in airtime. Next day's acting Zelensky.
I'm gonna fucking hate button.

They two sitting there like fucking school bullies, man. Honestly, they were just sitting there with the act the slithering fucking ripping out them, trying to leather be Harry Potter's Zelensky.

It was a fucking

fucking tragedy, man. Honestly, it was terrible.
No, don't come here. We are spineless.

Honestly.

Fucked off with this.

You can't wear who we are, spineless.

Fucking spineless, man. Well, you know, the case is a good idea.

It's all the, you know, he's got his little family lined up all the way to Baron Trump, which is this sounds gross.

Sounds like a queef after an abortion.

I've been working on that one all day.

Oh, the best ending in this, Andy.

His son's so fucking long.

He's like a really long guy. It's because his body doesn't have any soul to attach to, so it's just growing and growing and growing.
He looks like he's just been in Willy Wonka's fat.

I wonder what Willy Wonka's password was, by the way.

It's very similar to E. Wonkins.

Don't be fucking saying that Willy Wonka's a pedotic.

Willy Wonka had fucking slaves?

Like those in Palumpus, we only have his word for it that they were even adults.

Child slaves. But at best they were slaves.

You've ruined Peter Pan. Peter Pan chat about him being a pedo.
Willy Wonka is fucking trying to get Charlie Bucket in to take the fall for his crimes.

I need a new front man to this fucking operation.

Maybe you should move to a hippie island.

Somewhere they couldn't understand what I was saying. I might have more friends.
Do you know what I mean? Just you and a hippie sitting there going, Willy Wonka, what a fucking nonce, man.

I would move to Ireland. If I was from Seattle, move to Ireland.
It's quite corrupt

and it's quite Catholic, but it's a good laugh. And

you know,

it's going to be a fucking long time before anyone invades Ireland. You know, there's fuck all there.
You're going to, if you're putting, you want to kill everybody in Britain first.

You know, I don't, I don't also think we should fucking rearm or we should cut our military spending and we should get rid of Trident and all that fucking stuff.

But yeah, Ireland is a good bet, as a kind of place that it's going to be quite late to go.

Do you know what I mean? Also, it will just be a fucking laugh.

Just like, oh, sure, put some more peat in the fire. Woah, fool.

You can't put, well, they don't call it peep, but you also can't put it on the fire anymore. It's not allowed.
Well, what?

Yeah.

You're out of date with your fucking peat burning.

It's tough in Ireland. You can't burn it anymore because of pollution.

And also, as I've said in the podcast, log burners cause brain cancer.

I think

real fires.

What about real fires? Are they ashamed of us? Yeah, not good. You shouldn't have been breathing in.
Engineer's got little fiery particles that you're breathing in isn't doing you any favours.

But if Ireland was the last place to fall and the whole world had just gone to share, I'm sure you could probably burn a little bait.

I personally welcome brain cancer at that point.

Looking disappointingly at clear x-rays good.

Christopher's got his head in the log button again.

I would love to live. I'll swap, Katie, Dan, I'll swap lives with you.
I'll go over to Seattle. I just want to live my Frasier dream.

You know, I just want to be a psychiatrist there and live with an old man and a dog. And

my brother wants to shag an English woman.

More likely to live your fucking Kirk Cobain dream than you do, Vendors.

Yeah.

I would go like New Zealand, right? Nobody's going to invade New Zealand. They're just pretty chill.
I mean, they're probably a wee bit backward, right? But they're pretty chill.

No, as in the sense that, like, they're like 10 years behind the rest of the world because they're just like, we're fucking New Zealand, if you're dead chill.

I would go to New Zealand, honestly, get farther fuck away from humanity as possible. But do you know that's where the billionaires have their bunkers?

Is it? Yeah, in New Zealand. So Zuckerberg,

a whole bunch of billionaires have built bunkers in New Zealand. Let me just check this.

Is this a fact? Yes. Yeah.

Or is it an internet fact? No, no, this is true. There's like loads of lions get bought up in New Zealand for bunker projects, because that's what they think.

They think well this is been the last place to go. Um and that's why I think we should go there and we should put rolled-up jackets in the air vents of their bunkers,

wait for them to come out and then be stand.

Well

if we got them all there at the same time, couldn't we just nuke New Zealand and sort of fix everywhere else?

Jesus. There's one Australian here.
Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, Mike. Get him.
So we so to get it straight, we fake an apocalypse. Yeah.

Get Zuckerberg and the boys down there. Then we nuke New Zealand.

Listen,

there's about 40% of the fucking global population that think we faked COVID, so just fucking we could fake an apocalypse and they bother.

At the very least, we get rid of social media.

Yeah.

Facebook, at least. They already dropped a bunch of nuclear bombs on New Zealand, the British government, I think, because Americans, I guess.

It would be ironic because you're really not supposed to have nukes there.

New Zealand's really adamant that they don't want it.

I'd say we've thoroughly not answered this question.

I think we have. We've given them two options: Ireland, New Zealand, lovely stuff.

Knock feedback, this is a mailbeck. Are we on the verge of World War II? Could you, Frankie, be the Scottish Zelensky?

No.

I think he wants to shag an island of him.

That I can do. Yeah.
I always think Zelensky looks like he's in some type type of niche gay life that I don't know about.

It's like, oh, have you seen those guys? They wear the fucking black jumper and the fucking...

And I don't know exactly what it is, that thing he's doing. But it's like a gay category I haven't heard of.
He started looking, he started croaking a lot more than I remember. He's very croaky now.

And I don't...

I don't think he's a good idea. He's a farmer.

That's a sign to others.

He croaks a lot. He looks like he should be in a a kind of Frankie Ghosty Hollow Hollywood video in that permanent kind of military gear.
Do you know what I mean? I know I'm not. Two tribes go to war.

That's one. Yes.

Until we find a little human drink box. I just think there's so many unquestioned assumptions in our society, and one of them is NATO is a good thing.
And you sort of think

pretty much when anyone becomes the head of NATO, they just go buy more weapons, everybody buy more weapons.

And weapon sales are a huge subsidy to America, which is one of the reasons that Trump's so in favour of everybody rearming and putting larger percentages of their GDP into weapons and stuff like that.

And like, where does this all lead to? It just makes the world more and more dangerous. And I'm all in favour of negotiated settlements.
And also, I think Putin's a cunt.

You know, Putin's a horrible monster who's fucking made an imperial act of aggression. But you can balance those two things.
You know, you don't have to.

I just feel we're so partisan these days.

I have to be like this or I have to be like that. Well, actually, we need to head towards something that looks more like peace and that involves less weapons, not more.

It won't be as exciting, though.

I mean, you've got to think about movies 20 years from now. Nobody wants to see, oh, the people went to court and they all said.

They want to to say, and that's when I shot the president in the head.

Maybe we need to get rid of the real weapons and just give them all fucking massive Nerf guns.

That's what we need. That's what we need.
I just think it's fucking.

But America's been doing that since the end of the Second World War because they've realised how much money they could make from the military-industrial complex and how it absolutely kind of helps prop up their economy.

So, as long as that's going on, they're not going to give a fuck.

You know, what we need for Russia is about 30 to 50 Scottish menopausal women

because they're the only army that could survive a Russian winter with the fucking sweats

marching through Red Square. They'll probably go for a fucking dip in the Baltic Sea

because they're the menopausal mermaids.

I love a bit of wild sword.

Marching up to the fucking Dory Dak gremlin and just fucking rattling it, going, How? What? Get fucking out of here.

Bring your fucking ma as well. Or that shit in the dom bass.
Fuck off, you we prick.

And they would still go back home and go to my only one who knows how to take stuff out of dishwasher eye.

I'll say no to Frankie being the Scottish Zelensky then.

I'm a female football coach of a girls' football team. I'm fucking fed up with dealing with dads who give their sideline opinions and constantly chuck their toys out of the pram.

I'm wondering if the best way to deal with it is to slip in the waterlogged mud and stud them in the shin.

I think the best way to deal with this is just deliberately two-foot the fuckers right through the knee.

Season end and injury, knee popping out, fucking get them to fuck.

Tell them to fuck off. From the coach?

Yes.

But I'm in a much better place these days, man. So it's.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? Like with people? Yeah, it's been Canada.

We used to have any time British people brought their like emigrated to Canada and played soccer, they took it way more serious than the Canadians.

A few times had to be escorted from the ground.

Just calm down. It's not hockey.
Come on.

What is hockey like at that level? Is it pretty violent?

No,

if it has to be.

I couldn't understand the last sentence you said.

I'm wondering if the best way to deal with it is to slip in the water. No, I see I did I understood that, but there was a bridge that I was like, well, that's not, that's that's not words.

I thought I was speaking pretty clearly.

What do you think, Frankie? I hate Scottish dads. Like I am.

The enemy is ter like male entitlement in Scotland is terrible. And also,

I don't know, not a great generation.

my generation.

People, I don't know, maybe people are getting better, but it's a lot of guys who never got told that their dads love them, telling not telling their kids that they love them, and then dying.

Seems to be the vibe in Scotland. Do you remember the episode where me and Frankie had to explain to Christopher that 1980s parenting did not involve a cuddle

or being told anything encouraging or emotionally intelligent, like, I love you.

And Christopher went, I must have missed all that.

Do you ever see like grandparents in Scotland where wanes, like their grandkids, and the granddad doesn't do anything with them and leaves it to the granny? You're the one who relates to children.

And like, I was in a queue in a museum this week, and the granddad brought the kids back up from the table to be with their granny while she queued.

You know what I mean? Because what the fuck's he gonna do while we

when I was growing up, so I was really close to my grandmother, and my papa passed away around about like Christmas 84, and I was five in the January. But my papa

used to, so my brother would go to the football, go down to Celtic Park, and he would come home and tell my brother, he'd go back to my granny and papa's and tell them all about my papa.

My papa was like sixty, fucking riddled with emphysema and all that. The the the the the drink, everything right.

But I would sit in his bed on a Saturday afternoon at the bottom of the bed and we'd take you to the V Portable and we'd watch the racing.

And my nana would go round and get some bits and bobs to the for the shop and I'd be sitting with my fake cigarettes, my papa would light them.

That's me and my papa,

sitting with a jar of coppers, betting on the nags,

get the football on the radio, he's drinking his McCune's exports.

There's the head off my beer, right?

And I would get away, suck his pint and put his pint back and sit with my pretend fag betting on a horse. I'm a parents of that.

I don't know how you ended up a smoker or a drinker on Sunday drives a bet. It's my fucking childhood.

But

that wasn't unusual, was it? It was like, remember you telling me, we used to go to Ireland in holiday and always buy knives. Fucking.

He's running about with fucking Pikachu and Pokemon.

I've got a fucking 40-a-day habit before me.

My grandparents were refugees from Estonia, so I grew up and my grandpa just never spoke English. Like, he was nice and stuff, but you just...
never really spoke to him.

And then one time when I was 16, I was giving him, I was driving him uptown to get groceries and it was raining and I turned the wipers on and he just turned and he said, yeah, in Estonia we didn't have windshield wipers, we had to wipe them with the rag.

I was just like,

now?

That's just a stone, like Eastern Europe. They're like, that's a kid.
You don't talk to him.

Yeah,

I bought a lot. It's funny you say that, like you were like, get gave cigarettes and then now you smoke.

But like I used to get given Pokemon cards and I just bought like 40 quids worth of Pokemon cards on the drive up here. So

it literally is just whatever you do when you're a wee guy. You keep doing that when you're an adult.
Hi, sitting with candy sticks, cigarettes, remember then?

And it had the wee pinky buttoned them, so it it looked like you were it was lit.

Fucking sitting pretending I'm having fags, putting fags out and all that.

Did you have the chava ones that had the icing sugar that you got like that and it would blow out like a puff of smoke? Listen, you didn't need chocolate and ice and sugar breed iron brew.

They were fucking hyper enough.

Yeah, I just different, isn't it? Just different.

We had no cigarettes, but they were like candy sticks with Spider-Man on them. And then you got to put like a weed tattoo.
What they called the weed put the fake tattoos? Oh, like we transfer tattoos.

We transfer. You put

Spider-Man on and you could pretend. It was like teaching you to be a fucking sailor, wasn't it? It was like...

But they used to tattoos.

They used to call them candy cigarettes and then they just changed it to candy sticks. They didn't even really change the box at all.

And the box was like an e-cigarette packet. Remember, you could own it.
And there was was like a little card in it, like you know, let a cigarette cook so you could buy a teas made when you were six.

I miss smoking fag so much, somebody go, man, it's like two years I've no smoked a fig, and I just think about it every day, going,

that'd be amazing.

Get you a wee candy sticks. Yeah, I've got chalksticks, I think, you know.

And I left them in the dressing room. So busy.
One of my first memories is: do you remember candy tobacco? Yes.

So I was, you get a box of tobacco, like rolling tobacco, but it was this really nice kind of sweetie.

And

this boy, who's called Thomas Riley, jumped out of the fucking shop where he'd knocked two fucking boxes of candy tobacco, threw them in front of me and my mum and the other ladies coming out of church, burst them on the ground, and we're like,

fuckies.

And I can remember

my thought. I was about four or five at the time.
I can remember thinking, this is one of these bad boys

my mum has warned me about.

This must be one of these bad boys. And he was, and he's dead now.

Did he live on Orca Island?

Might be the name I adopt on Orca Island.

Hey guys, love the podcast. A few episodes ago you spoke about the psycho couple where the guy works in an abattoir and has a wife that wanted to get a tour of the place.

Well, we are here to see you live in Aberto. Hey!

Hello.

Just a cleaver comes from the wall.

Big hook tickles for the ceiling of His Majesty's Theatre.

Thank you very much, Alex and Shauna, for coming to see us. That's nice.
I don't remember that. What was that? I don't remember either.
Might be the wrong podcast.

We sent that into Penrington Hill with Rob Beckett and John Quinnicle.

I'm going to say that that's one of the episodes I wasn't on that used to just fucking ran a riot.

Nah, I've got no idea.

What? Or not? Own up?

We're probably...

Has any of us got a little laser dot on us right now? Is that fucking nine o'clock in Aberdeen again?

A pumpkin's gonna have you back. Fucking fuss about traffic.
934, I'm sorry, I'm late.

Own up.

One of these dinners.

The most terrifying sound I've ever heard in my life.

An Abadorian accusing you of guilt.

Which one of you's done it?

Who stole my butter?

If Superman was Scottish,

what powers would he have? What colours would he wear? And which team would he support?

He wouldn't call himself Super for a start because he'd be riddled with fucking self-hatred.

Shite man.

At best, mediocre.

Fucking shite man, eh?

He could still be blamed by Christopher Reeve.

Yeah, Christopher, don't don't take this the wrong way, but

we're calling it shite man.

Can you do the active? Well, can you program the voice box to do the acting?

Fuck.

I don't think we're going to get any better than that.

Next.

right, here we fucking go.

Oh, Jesus.

Really? Christopher, you know the rules that if it's an actual problem, we cannot read it out. It's

a friend in the audience tonight slept with his co-worker's mum on a night out.

I don't...

What is the?

I don't think you'll be able to describe them as friend after this.

A friend in the audience tonight slept with his co-workers Mama at night out and the next morning he found that she shat in his bed.

Is this Trent's party?

How does he face his work colleague now? I think you just kind of have to have a degree of we're all adults here.

We're enjoying each other's bodies and bodies are shight in them sometimes.

Put a towel down, you animal.

Can I be honest? I think men and boys are way too sensitive over fucking who their mum sleeps with. What? Is that?

See, like, honestly, see if your mums are me sleeping with someone, what fucking business of it is yours? How the fuck did you think you got here? You just get all dead protective about it.

You can't think about my mum like.

How did I get here? It was my mum shagging somebody with my dad specifically.

What does that matter? If my mum fucks someone, I don't want to know.

It's the last fucking thing you should tell me. Yeah, I don't want to know, but equally, I think guys get a me bit.

Don't they get a bit fucking tetchy about their mum having a me bit of sex life if the dad's not about I mean not about in the sense of separated or dead, not like eased in the pump. Yeah.

Yeah.

Only nip boots for the beer of her husband.

A snooker night.

A day trick to lossy mouth when your mum's fucking.

These are all quite precious about it.

So if your mum is shaggy,

if your mum was single, right?

Your mum was single. She told me she was.

Your mum's single single and she was away sleeping with a guy a couple of years older than you. Would you be raging? I just hope I wouldn't know.

You'd fucking know at Christmas dinner when he's sitting at the table, you'd be like, Ah,

is that the gardener back, Mum? Aye.

Turn that fucking log burner up.

I don't think you can turn that lock on the lock.

I don't think it's thermostatically controlled.

Spoken like a true electrician.

Who's probably got the mild autism that's been undiagnosed, but never mind.

I think, see, does the co-worker know that he shagged his mum?

Sounds like it, doesn't it? I do know what? Just get a fucking grip of yourself, behave yourself.

I feel like you're not.

I think if you can wank about it, you're over it.

It's a good room for life.

I could understand if this was like an older guy slept with a co-worker's daughter. You'd be going, fuck, that's terrible.
But

fuck is his mum, fucking, she's happy.

I mean, she was so happy she shit the bed.

If you're not joining yourself, the sphincter is tight at the rectum.

It's only when you're truly orgasmic you fucking.

Maybe she hadn't had it in a fucking few years, and it just was like childbirth for her.

Christopher, everything leaves women in childbirth.

Well, Aberdeen, it's been absolutely great.

This is the first ever live podcast we've ever done, and he's other than that one guy who went, OH NOP! Yeah,

you were alright as well, but thank you so much. Round applause for a special guest, Glenn.
Woah!

Thank you.

We've been here comes the guillotine. Thank you very much.

Andy.

Abertine, before you go,

we're going to get on the one and only tradition, Andy. It makes it so happy.

We're going to get Andy in a suit for the guys. Go show us, Babel John.

St. Croval is fucking Babel John's Stuffle.

Hey, how you doing? Pruduous Andy here. Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.