The Soaking Consultant

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Here is your bike, Frankie.

Oh, yes.

We're getting a lendy some

electric bikes and mine looks like a pure banger.

It's a kind of mountain bike effort.

Yeah.

But

powered.

What's used to so used to are getting into electric bikes?

Used to her getting into electric bikes.

You are into computer games.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm just saying, what is your dream?

Like, what is what is it, Isa?

What is the dream you're getting out of this?

I want to be travelling at speed

without expending any energy on my own part.

I want to be zipping around and then I feel I will cycle some of the time.

So, you know, that they say people with electric bikes actually pedal for longer because, you know,

you can travel further and you can see more stuff.

And I'm going to be travelling and seeing that stuff around the south side of Glasgow.

You want to see the world.

And also, if anyone anyone decides to try and catch me, good luck.

Yes, I've just seen the bike and I think you might die.

I'm a bee, but I think this is how you're gonna go, man.

Looks like banger.

Looks great.

It does look great.

It's um, it's a turbo level comp alloy mountain e-bike, so it'll be really light as well.

I'm staying on it.

I'm not leaving that fucking anywhere.

That's in the living room.

My in the window.

In the window of the living room.

My mountain bike dream is.

Remember that time me and you, Susie, we went up that mountain together?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, in Fort William.

Yeah, what's that mountain called?

It's like a big one.

Ben Nevis.

Ben Evis.

We went up Ben Evis in a cable car together.

I was about to say, how did you get on Ben Nevis?

In a cable car.

We were in a cable car, we had soup at the top of it.

And we had, you know, a Japanese at the bottom and stuff.

But

the thing about the cable car is: have you been up this on Ben Nevis?

So, the cable car goes up, and then you can mount and bike back down.

The idea is you take your bike up and then you cycle down this route with the cable car overhead and the evergreen trees, and there's a stream, a burbling brook,

and you just fucking do big jumps.

And that's, I guess, in my head, I would like to do that before I die.

Is to go down Ben Nevis on a

mountain bike or a BMX.

Well, Well, if you don't manage it, we're just going to strap you to one

after you've died.

Yeah.

With a GoPro on you.

People say

ashy scattered.

I want to be deaf stranded and tied to the back of an e-bike and drove down the tallest mountain in the UK.

That's okay.

I want to be dropped from a drone and ruin one last picnic.

Like a dog in the beach.

Yeah.

Just like a fucking

gender reveal party for the Antichrist.

Yeah.

okay, okay.

How'd you want your

did they done with your body, Susie, when you're done?

Fuck.

You shuffled off this bottle coil.

Aye, they'll just put me in a skip, mate.

That's it.

They'll just be like, fucking get

it.

There's nothing we can take here.

We know that she signed up for organ donation, but there's nothing we can take.

Wow.

Aye.

That's it.

That's the mud.

I'm in this.

Mad wanted to be scienced.

He wanted to be donated to science, and they said we don't do that anymore.

Really?

Because Alistair Gray left his body to science.

Did he?

Did he?

He had it in with the uh the uni, I'd imagine.

My yeah.

Yeah.

Someone in my life said that they want to do that and their body will be in like good like their organs will be in great knack.

So yeah, I mean possibly.

I want to be left.

I mean I know we've talked this before but to necrophiles.

I mean

I want like to you know to have a whole sexual life post death.

Do you know what I mean?

And also anyone that's fucking my dead body would probably be up to horrendous things otherwise.

You're like a decoy.

I'm like the

distracted.

You put a bit of jam on a biscuit for the wasps at a picnic.

I do that.

We will do that.

Yeah, so the wasps go over there.

So you take a little bit of cake or whatever and you put it over there, and that's for the wasps.

I'll be slice.

I'll be for the beasts.

You'll be the Madeira cake with a little bit of raspberry jam on top for the wasps to fester over.

Madeira cake and raspberry jam sounds lovely.

It does actually sound quite nice.

I love a bee bit of Madeira cake.

We didn't get dessert today, if you're wondering.

This is a post-lunch record, and that's why we're.

We've adopted the Italian method.

We can't discuss the place because I hated it.

Yeah, it was.

I didn't hate it.

No, it was okay.

It was okay.

It was aggressively mid.

It was very mid-level, wasn't it?

It was very like.

I'm trying to become okay with that.

I'm trying to go, do you know what?

See, as long as something's no shite,

it's alright.

And as long as you're hitting mid stuff and occasionally having the creme de la creme, I want the full range of experience, my life.

I think that's just a sign of the times and where we are as a population that we're all just alrightly shite and mid-level.

I think it's a peaceful, it's a Zen, it's a Zen move.

I want, you know, you need the shite, you need the mid, you need the bad.

I want the full spectrum and experience.

No, I mean, I just have golden that's just created in your mind, innit?

Most of life is suffering, you know.

And you go, no, it's all this wonderful fucking rainbow.

It's a fucking great big black slash across the sky.

I think that's where we're at as a society.

We're all just happy with mid-level as a bonus because everything's so shite all the time.

Maybe.

Like getting on a train, right, that's fucking mankey but runs in time.

You go, well, I mean, it's not very clean.

The toilet wasn't working, but do you know what?

It got me to where I had to be five hours later, even though I couldn't use the fucking toilet on it.

Crazy when they shut the toilets on a train.

It's fucking

toilets and shit.

But it's an hour and a half, it's like a two-hour train from Edinburgh, Waverley, Helensborough.

Like, that is a long, long train.

And after 6 p.m., every train toilet is like sealed.

Yeah, and Glasgow, London, man.

Fucking a half hour if you're lucky.

Fucking ropey.

Ropey, we know toilet, but we go, oh, well, it's alright because the train ran in time.

What the fuck?

Where are you supposed to piss?

They should give you like a jug.

That's alright for you.

That's not that doesn't really work.

Do you have a funnel for the jug as well?

The scene should just open out.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

There should be a carriage.

What?

a shooting carriage.

A pissing carriage.

A fucking carriage.

Used to be a smoking carriage.

Now it's

the lawless zone carriage.

Excuse me, I think your fancy is not the shooting carriage.

You're shooting and going.

That's carriage A.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

I'm sorry, sir.

Bad on it.

I would love to shoot.

Just

your face, thank you.

Just like open the door a wee bit and let me put my bum out and

peek as we go past Oxenhall Light District.

Why not?

Not the wind.

Surely the window, not the door?

How fucking mission impulsive would you want this shit to be?

I want my arms clinging on.

There's no need for the rainbow.

You could be putting it out the window.

I'd rather it was the door.

Also, if they just built...

They could build the trains to taper up, we could all stick our fucking heads and asses out the window.

Do you know what I mean?

Because you're scared of another train coming by and clipping you, right?

But if they built them in a kind of tobacco shape,

it's out on its own.

You know.

Or a sunroof.

A sunroof.

For shit.

No.

Thinking about the window thing, me and Christopher are quite short.

I don't know if we could get our arses out the window.

There'd be like stirrups in there.

Stirrups.

Stirrups.

Just put a hole in the ground in the train, they'll shout out the window.

Well, you're going to love France, my friend.

Well, all over Europe, really sometimes is like in romania there's a really just a kind of like two footprints and you squat over a hole pretty much

that was like 20 years ago to be fair no no i don't want to alienate our romanian listeners we're going to be doing some uh romanian live shows actually

i'm a fucking

romania where is it romania is it tallin or is it

tallin is in estonia right so we're doing a kind of bucharest budapest tallin triumvirate of live shows i'll be honest i'm not sure that those places like gay people.

Hungary is probably the worst one.

Yeah,

I'll maybe not go.

Alright.

We're gonna have a hologram, Susie.

Yep.

Me and Frankie are gonna do some Dungeons and Dragons live.

Fucking yeah.

In Bucharest.

In a place where there possibly is dragons still.

I want to see Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 up close.

I want to go to fucking Etrotsky and see.

I went to Romania a really long time ago.

I had a friend there who was a Scotch guy and he spoke Romanian fluently, he claimed.

And we went to this artist studio and he left at one point and someone said something Romanian.

They all peshed themselves laughing.

And I said, look, what was that?

What did he say there?

And he said, he said, your friend speaks Romanian like someone from Hungary with a head injury who has not visited Romania for some time.

Was it a good trip?

It was the very end of my alcoholism.

So it was a very

drunken trip.

Was that the trip that brought it to an end?

Well, sort of, I mean, I was going to get in there anyway.

I'd stopped for nine months just before that,

which often happens.

People give up for a good long chunk, go back on it, and then stop for good.

Relapse is part of recovery, as they say.

Yeah, well, like statistically, the more often you've tried to give up, the more the more likely this time you'll succeed, right?

You know,

um,

but yeah, I drank uh, all these Romanians under the table at wedding, like literally under the table, like the last guy slid under the table, and they had like um their various local potions, you know, their colourless local

puccine, oof, um, but wasn't wasn't that strong to my mind.

Um,

Yeah.

But I remember getting on the plane back, and they gave me a cup of water, like a kind of plastic cup, and like my arm just spasmed, like

I just crushed this thing in the air in front of me.

And then maybe time would stop.

That was it.

And you've never noticed since?

Yeah.

Everything.

No, like...

Because you used to smoke as well, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, no, I don't do any of that.

No.

Just do your yoga.

I fucking did it.

Do you know what I mean?

I fucking tanned it.

Used up your tokens, man.

Yeah, I think also, yeah, physically, probably.

Used up all the way to do something and then not do it and just do different stuff than you used to do, you know.

This is how I'm going to approach my sexuality.

I've completed lesbianism.

What next?

Pansexual.

Pansexual, Susie.

Play that bit at the end of a game where you finished it but you go around messing about.

You know what I mean?

What have I got?

Let's do some side quests.

Yeah, I think it's good to continue doing stuff.

You see people who just kind of calcify and just kind of

freeze and they never do anything that they don't do.

I just want to, I want to, you know, maybe this is my favorite moment.

No, no, I'm just saying I want to start fishing or something.

Can I just say, I've never known you to be so happy.

I see the past couple of months, you're just so genuinely happy.

It's the pod.

It is, it's us.

It's me and you.

Because if there's one thing that's the best revenue, here comes the killer.

Thanks, listeners.

Can I just say thanks to Teasel for giving us the bikes?

Thank you, Tiesel.

Thank you, Teasel.

And a big shout out to Nicola Tona, who is a fan of the podcast, and she has sorted this out for us.

So she is a sweetheart.

I love the bar.

Maintained on slavery.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a slave state for sure.

But according to Dave Beckham, has some of the best spice markets that he's ever seen.

That's right.

It makes me really mad.

I think it's quite.

It's got the best spice market.

How many spice markets have you been to, David Beckham?

Or even that one?

You probably barely glanced around.

You can't.

Do you remember they'd done a documentary with Victoria Beckham in a supermarket and they were trying to show us how normal the Beckhams are?

And she just left her trolley.

And we watched it, and everybody was like, She's never been in a fucking supermarket all her life.

Like, no way.

She was you.

You were in one of the most successful bands in the world, and then you married one of the most successful football players in the world.

You don't go down the fucking liddle.

Not to compare it to Elon Musk, but

it's like there's no rags to riches.

Fuck her, like that.

She was like loaded as a child, and then she was extremely loaded as a teenager.

And then she was super loaded as an adult.

It's like Elon Musk's fucking dad was an apartheid emerald miner.

He already was born into that, and then he's just got richer and richer and richer, because that's what happens when you have money.

He was a cum rag to riches.

Oh my god.

It's a good title.

Cumrag to riches.

Sounds like a bitch.

Cumrag to riches.

Yeah.

Oh, hell.

I fucking cannot stand Elon Musk, man.

I just, even his face just upsets me.

I know.

He's just.

He's not even a good autist.

No.

Do you know what I mean?

He's dragging the whole fucking community down.

How's your experience of autism going?

I don't know.

I don't know from inside.

It's impossible to tell.

My girlfriend was saying that there's a kind of autistic meme of like wherever, whatever restaurant you are in as an autistic person, you are always going to be put under the speaker playing shity music and it's going to drive you fucking mental.

Is that something you find?

I find constantly wearing noise-cancelling headphones

helps that.

I met your girlfriend when we went for dinner.

Remember this?

Do you not remember?

God.

Where is that?

At Josie Long's house.

Oh, that's fine.

Sorry.

I went mental.

I forgot that happened.

That's right.

And I couldn't be there.

Like, I was...

I was going to come and then go, but I realized there was no point in doing that.

So I was just, I just showed up to the party, like late so yeah you and

that's why I don't remember it because I was there for like 90% of the conversation.

Me and your girlfriend and Josie and at some point Josie goes or one of them goes to the other one do you want some of this OCD medication?

I'm taking one, do you want one of these?

And

someone goes jokingly to me, or do you want one?

I go, I don't know, would it help?

And your girlfriend went, no, you're just straight autism.

Like like that?

Which I thought was a beautiful way of delivering that.

You're just straight autism, yeah, which I like.

Straight autism, you know, no frills,

that's you just know what you are, yeah, not in the barrel, none of your odd DHD, no, no, unlike me, who doesn't, it doesn't seem to have any of that growing.

Well, officially, I don't either, it's just pure speculation.

No, like I went for the test and they went,

nah, you're good.

I went to get an ADHD assessment.

I went to a GP and got there, got it, and sat down and went, I'd like to get this.

And he just kind of sighed.

He was very helpful, but he was like, okay, to get the assessment is kind of an outside thing.

So what you're going to have to do is you're going to have to go home, write an essay, hand it in.

If I forget to hand it in, come back and remind me.

And then we'll send you away for a test on a certain date.

And I was just like, but this is stuff I can't do.

I only got this appointment because my girlfriend sat me down and made me do it.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I cannot do that.

but that should pass you when you don't turn up with the thing they should just send you in the post i'm expecting a phone call you're passed you've got it i went private because it was once and once and i went up just go private the thing is with the private thing is there's two the the gp was explaining to me there's two private things you can get one of them isn't it worth the paper it's printed on and if you hand that in as i've been diagnosed with this they just go well you've you've done it wrong so you kind of get um treatment and then the other one takes a lot longer and it's more expensive.

And

that's the one he's trying to get me to go and do.

But I just don't see myself writing an essay, you know, for ADHD.

You don't seem you don't seem like the other comics we know with ADHD.

No,

it's something else,

whatever it is.

What is it?

Maybe you're a new, maybe you're a new little mark in the spectrum.

Yeah,

people will be going, oh, you've got CMB.

I do have CMB,

CMB DHD.

That's the name of the tourist show.

I don't think you've got it.

You sell it, my mum.

Listen,

if I've not got it.

I've lost my passport so many times.

Oh, man, so many times the passport office said to him, We can I give you another one because we think that you're selling these on to Peter Classics.

To the Albanian mafia.

I lost my hat outside and then somebody left it on the electric box and I picked it up.

That was uh really yeah

it's been a roller coaster

you had um and Josie and my girlfriend had turned it.

That was like I feel like I'd been asleep for I turned up late because I was on the way there

and I was like CMB's coming.

I need to get in some iron brew because Josie Long will have underestimated how much me and CMB would like to solidly drink iron brew and diet iron brew.

So I got six iron brews and six diet iron brews.

But then I hadn't realised it was a bit like Death Stranding and I was like then

in Bowder's Gate 3 speech encumbered.

Over-encumbered.

I was over-encumbered in it.

I really struggled to get there on time and I was about like a fucking hour late.

I also bought a giant Victoria Sponge for £3 in Morrison's.

It was like absolutely enormous.

Josie Long made me take the cake away because it was so unhealthy.

She made me take away those Indian dessert treats that are still in my fridge.

Do you know when you go past the decent sweets on Woodlands Road on the way to the stand?

And you're always like, what the fuck's that?

A little gulab jamans and little colourful things.

I've got glue to them in my fridge.

I don't know what to do with them.

Eat them.

I'm scared.

What are you scared of?

I'm just scared of things I'm not used to.

You could start by licking them.

Yeah, I do that with a lot of stuff that goes in my fidget.

Fuck.

You were talking about entering a soup phase last episode.

Yes.

What kind of flavour soups are you going in for?

Carate coriander ones, because it seems to be the only one that's getting done at the moment.

I would like a more warming broth.

I

there's a lentil and chicken soup that I get from Sainsbury's that's really lovely.

It's like the country shop or something, but it's dynamite.

Oh, it's good.

Lentil and chicken?

That's exciting to me.

I've been making pea and broccoli with garlic and onions.

I'm not into that.

It's bright green.

Ah, yeah.

Bright green soup's not doing it for me.

Really intimidating.

How green is it?

Looks like you're eating pond scum or something.

Like a frog.

I just want to get something else in there.

But isn't aren't pea and broccoli a bit too green?

A bit too close.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But you don't want to be ham in there.

Ham would be good.

I don't eat ham.

I eat pork.

They're very different, I think.

Ham and pork are different.

Ham's like cured, and pork's like flesh that isn't cured.

Do you know what I mean?

Pork's like different.

You want it to be closer to being alive.

Yeah.

I want pig sushi.

See if you got a nice like ham hock.

Oh, you make good ham hock soup, sushi.

Good ham hock and lentil, but then like

anything from anything's feet.

No like a tree.

No feet.

Fuck's see.

That's mental, right?

Because I was in your favourite Chinese, the loon f the lunfeng, isn't it?

The loon feng.

I was in there

of this Chinese secret police.

Yes.

I was in there

ledges.

Kept my phone off so they couldn't hack it.

And so they didn't see the messages in our group chat.

And I noticed that they have so many dishes with feet on the menu.

Have you not noticed that?

Pig feet and chicken feet.

Pig feet and chicken feet and pigs' trotters.

I'm generally not flicking around to the feet section.

There isn't a feet section, they're just in there, like mixed in with your chicken and mushroom, chicken curry.

I can't believe you've not noticed this.

Shout out to China.

Shout out to China.

Do some great stuff in the feet genre.

I think your broccoli, pea, and ham soup.

Pea and ham's a soup.

I guess I'm just trying to get more veggies in my diet.

I'm just trying to.

Well, it'd be good to do that without it tasting disgusting.

And we're suggesting you put in something nicer.

What's your favourite soup?

Ever.

Oh, you know, like, pee and ham might be my favourite soup.

Like a kind of grand soup, like a lentil soup.

Or a chicken soup.

Chicken lentil soup is always good.

How do you feel about lent?

How do you feel about lentil soup?

I'm not making the fucking.

If I bought it, do you know what I mean?

I'm not soaking any fucking beans or

anything.

You don't need to soak lentils anymore.

Steep them?

When did that change?

Honestly,

if you get the Great Scott, big shout out to Great Scott.

Shout out to Great Scott Lentils.

We're sponsored by Great Scott Lentils.

I don't know if you've noticed how soup heavy the contents became, but

how do you say we're not

actually sponsored by Great Scott?

We're not.

But they are the lentil of choice for this podcast, and I'm going to say that.

And you don't soak them anymore.

Don't soak them anymore.

You still, if you make a broth and you use Scotch broth, you still need to soak that because that's harder, that's barley and shit.

But if you're

I love barley, oh, you can't eat beat nana.

I love barley.

You're the last person who's enthusiastic about barley in fucking Europe.

And that died out with the fucking Reformation.

I love barley.

I love barley.

You just need to rinse.

You just need to rinse your lentils.

So you could make it.

And I love how the idea of you soaking your lentils.

I'm not fucking soaking them overnight.

You're like activity fringe.

You literally just need to leave them in water in the corner of the kitchen.

Rinse my lentils is kind of like an old Scottish guy's fucking euphemism.

Rinse my lentils in.

Sorry boys, I've got to go rinse my lentils.

I'll soak your barley.

I love barley.

I can

just soak your barley in your peas head.

I'll be ruining later.

This episode's called Barley and Me.

Well soaking your lentils in sex terms would be like prepare your arsehole.

You know, like wash it out.

Make sure you don't soak your lentils.

I'm coming down and

ready for pumping.

Have you remembered?

I'm coming out tomorrow evening

you better soak your lentils overnight

soaking is a term though a sex term soaking is to leave your

it's like if you don't want to lose your virginity in certain religious communities in america you can soak which is you just put your penis inside the vagina without moving and then you jump up you get your pals to jump up and down in the bed and they're the ones that are doing the movement.

You're just completely so

and you're not, you don't lose your virginity because you're not really shagging, but it feels good because you're moving inside someone's.

I would suggest that the minute the cross goes into the vagina, that's the virginity bit kind of pop.

This is just a message I'm passing on for the religious

Bible belt.

Is pals what I'd call that group of people?

A good pal?

Friend indeed is a a friend indeed.

Get me a pulse to jump on a bed.

There's close and there's close.

Right?

I don't know if they pals are really pals or if.

If someone did that for me, I'd call them a pal.

If you were in the Bible Belt and you heard that someone had soaked a lentils, you may get completely the wrong idea.

Can't wait for soap now.

Yo.

Um,

but yeah, that's soaking.

That's what soaking is.

You just kind of

pop it in and let it soak.

I learn something new from Christopher about sex.

I think learn is too strong a word.

Well, yes, I think learning is.

As the YouTube comment section has said sometimes

a lot of people have been getting shirty with Christopher about

Christopher's research.

Being questioned by people on YouTube.

People.

I'm not doing a video essay.

This isn't, you know, a lecture series that I'm doing.

This is just me trying to keep up.

Isn't Professor Christopher the soaking consultant?

School soup.

I like school soup.

Is there no school soup, that orangey-yellow soup?

Like,

I was a packed lunch kind of guy.

Don't you you know what I mean?

What about the soup that your granny would have made you?

Oh, God, my granny?

Fucking hell.

Or your mum.

Your mum may have made the soup.

My mum would

put lentils and barley in a big pot and boil it with a chicken.

Yes.

Would it be a full chicken or would it be like the bones of a chicken?

Not a full chicken.

So you'd have a boiled chicken.

Rich.

Which your dad would get the...

Yeah, it was like fairly poisonous.

And your dad would get the big leg of chicken.

And you eat the U-bits.

Aye, aye, that would do it.

Natural way of things.

I remember the soup at my school.

The fuel zone was the name of the

cafeteria.

It was called the fuel zone.

Which was kind of messed up because a lot of the food was like a sweaty hot dog.

That's not really fuel, is it?

They have like potato smileys as well.

The condensation of the bags warped the smile of the

smiley the stroke.

Like

smiley faces, it's like potato grimaces.

This is a total generation thing because when we were at school it would just have been the canteen.

It wasn't given a fancy name.

We called it the fuel zone.

As if it was some kind of cool cat.

As if you were a Formula One car.

For fuck's sake.

I know we got it, but

the soup was like, it was crazy because because it would like separate there'd be the wet bit at the top which would be like completely absent at any

like ingredients it would just be water but then at the bottom it was this thick swamp of fucking cabbage or green leaves

They hatrated your face.

Green leaves.

It was the fucking prosecutor at Nuremberg.

Green leaves.

it was a crime against humanity.

And you had to like take a plastic spoon and like stir up to like dredge the swamp juice up to the top of it and then it was alright but that's all soup because

that all soup with vegetables in it.

The vegetables will sink to the bottom.

This is gonna be such a mad experience for the listener.

Like we never stick to go on top of it.

This is just like twenty five minutes straight of just soup chat, which we've already covered most episodes, really.

Someday will be recommended to you, but you need to check out his new podcast.

I'll listen to the new episode.

Know that one.

Know that one.

If she starts talking about soup, skip it.

You might skip this.

There's about six weeks of soup.

I had this.

I used to take soup into school.

I used to take.

But I what?

I was really.

sometimes i really do get in a flask in a flask oh that's something yeah i had soup in a flask chicken noodle soup that i had canned chicken noodle soup that i would heat up in my house put it in my flask take it to school and then you'd pour it into the wee cup and you drink it for the cup the lid was a cup and then i done that but then i remember we had like um easter break and i didn't rinse it out and I just had like half a soup in the flask for like

a few weeks and then I opened it up and it was like a it was like a chemical attack.

It was like a dirty bomb that a terrorist would do to an unsuspecting populace.

It was absolutely honking.

And that was the end of that?

And that was the end of the soup.

My mum shouted at me.

See when you say you would heat it up in the microwave and put it in the flask.

In the pot?

In the pot?

In the pot.

Was that you that done that?

It was your mum thing.

It wasn't it.

Your mum heated up the flask.

You heated up the soup.

She heated up the soup.

She then drained the flask, but made sure it was warm, and then put the soup in the soup.

I can neither confirm nor deny that it was my mum who heated the soup up because I think

I really had a soup phase back then.

But it was, it was the mold.

I hate to be perceived by others, but I recently left the dishes in the sink so long that mold occurred

in the soup pot in my sink.

You are being judged by a nation right now.

Yeah.

It was kind of a biohazard.

I can't cope with that.

I can't leave dishes by the sink.

Did you notice this when we were away in Avimo?

That I would wash dishes like I would rinse them and then put them in the dishwasher.

I can't leave them.

It kind of freaks me out.

And I'm trying not to be that person.

This used to be a thing that I would do all the time.

I'd just leave my dishes right.

And then I've kind of been conditioned in various relationships.

And now I'm that person who's like, I'll just rinse that and put it in the dishwasher.

I'll just rinse that and put it in the dish.

I can't leave dishes sitting there.

there.

I like to just let dishes accumulate for about 12 days until I'm completely depleted.

I don't have any cutlery left, I don't have any pots left, and then I'll just go wham

and do the dishes for an hour and a half, and then that's that done, and then it's back out of the cycle.

Let's go through all the plates.

Sometimes I'll just buy more cutlery or something if I'm like, we're not ready for a wash yet.

Nip down to Morrison's and get some more crockery.

Sure.

Strategy.

That's

that's mental.

Also, I had never had a dishwasher until I moved into a house recently.

I had a dishwasher, and I was always like, I'm not really a big fan of dishwashers now.

I'm like, I don't know how I've lived a life to the age of 45 without one of these beauties.

Do you feel they're not thorough enough?

Well, not if you're leaving a fucking dish for 12 days.

What you would, it's not a fucking dishwasher you need, it's a scaffold, a hammer, and a fucking chisel.

Yeah, no, it was rank.

That's bad, man.

But I'm I'm learning and I'm growing.

I think you want to put this into your ADHD essay.

We could start writing it now.

I don't know.

Do I say?

Can you just listen to my podcast for six weeks?

The soup episodes are the ones that I particularly want you to target.

We're sponsored by Campbell Soup this week.

As I was mentioning over lunch, the reason for my soup phase I'm attempting to lose weight

because I'm going to go and see Lana Del Rey at Hamden.

and I would like to wear a cream suit and a little hat.

People are going to be at the concert scanning for your cream linen suit.

There'll be loads of cream linen suits at a Lana Del Rey concert.

You kidding me?

Everyone's going to look like a fucking sex tourist.

I'm going to suggest that you maybe don't go for linen and I'm going to suggest that you could wear like a chino bottom and a linen cream jacket.

I don't know.

Well, you know what?

I'm open to ideas, but what I want to do is

I was very impressed by

the film Queer

and by what's it called?

James Bond, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig is William Burroughs, and that, and I'm going to style myself along those lines for the Lana concert.

What's that film about?

He goes mental because he's in love with Twink.

It's very much a relationship with Frankie.

It's very much this

relationship that I'm witness to.

I'm Thorndwiel.

That's one way of looking at it.

Driven mad by an ass.

He's pretty mad anyway.

Right.

And he is in Mexico City, maybe.

He's in Mexico anyway.

And it meets this young guy.

But

the second half of the film is they go and find kind of ayahuasca, like a kind of proto-yahuasca type drug, in the Amazon.

And they lose their minds that way.

but you know I think it's a strong look for Lana when am I gonna see Lana again is your dream kind of like the born in the USA video with Bruce Springsteen where he's up on stage and he looks in and who's there it's Courtney Cox pre-fame Courtney Cox and he grabs her by the hand and she comes up on stage and she's dancing with Bruce is that what you want

Lana would do that no absolutely she'll see you in your cream linen suit and she'll go Frankie Frankie and she'll grab you by the wrist and all of a sudden you're her arm would have to be about 800 feet long.

But also, but also, I don't know if I can take the image of you in a cream linen suit dancing out my head.

You're not going to need to imagine it.

Very soon.

Are you a natural dancer?

I wouldn't say so, no.

You can lose yourself, though.

I can sway.

I can sway.

You know?

Someone's making a pitch for Strictly.

Oh, fuck me.

The Strictly curse has taken on a new meaning.

I'll give them a fucking strictly curse.

Fucking me.

He's pumped down since he's not even training with.

He's pumped Craig Revo Horvit.

Frankie has been disqualified for shagging every joke.

Every week, just

the same cream suit, just more and more filthy and just gradually losing bits like fucking John Dean.

every orifice, man.

He soaked my lentils five out of five.

I've never seen it.

Ten out of ten.

Yeah.

I'm going to suggest a cream

or grey, a light grey chino and your linen jacket.

Mix up the textures, my man.

I may go to a tailor even.

That's the thing.

If I fucking lose enough weight, I might go to a tailor.

Really fucking go for it.

I love this.

You're gonna have a plan for summer.

You're gonna have something to aim for.

Hence, the soup.

Hence, the electric bike.

I'm rushing summer.

I'm bringing summer to me by going to Australia next week.

I'm gonna be fucking.

I can't wait for summer.

I have to have summer now.

You're running into its embrace.

Yeah, I'm going into Australian autumn right next week.

I'm skipping summer, really, and going straight to the autumn.

Australian autumn, though, is harsher than

it's like warmer than Scottish summer.

Oh, a hundred times, yeah.

And you love the sun?

Well, I'm, you know, I'm not the biggest sun worshiper,

but I'm looking forward to having some apparently that's that's the kind of

epicentre of the world coffee scene, Melbourne, you know, that's really where uh the current wave of coffee shops has came from.

And um, February they was telling me about a Japanese pour over place that's supposed to be world class.

So, I'm really excited about that.

And having some biggest noodle soups.

I noticed that when you went to Barcelona you invited us over, but Christopher has yet to extend an invitation to you and I.

Interesting, isn't it?

It's not the same.

It's interesting, isn't it?

It's just kick up with the Wilbur Covered Festival if you want.

I'd imagine you could get books better than me.

Are you just going to go to Lana Del Rey?

I don't know.

Well, I'm already doing a gig that night, that's the thing.

I'm free.

I'll go to Elanadel Rey.

Me and a friend will come to Ilanadel Reynolds.

I'm also bringing a friend.

I don't know that anybody isn't on some level sleazing heavily at that concert.

You think so?

Yeah.

I don't feel like people are going.

I want to just go down.

If I go to a concert, I'm like, oh, cool, maybe I'll go with somebody, but really I want to just fucking connect to the to the singer and sing every word with him.

I can do both.

Especially in a linen suit.

I I went to see my favorite band like a few weeks into my relationship and obviously, I was very entranced by my partner and like extremely excited to just be out enjoying something with them.

But at the same time, I was like, I want to rush the stage, I want to get right down the front and fucking thrash like a fish.

I didn't even realize the style council were gigging at me.

An abomination of a band of experiences of disgust, and with many people agreeing with me on that.

It's it's it's it's the received wisdom that they're bad, but they're good.

I mean,

what was your band?

Lost Campesinos is my favourite band of all.

Lost Campesinos.

Yeah, a Welsh indie pop

leftist organisation.

They could be judges.

They could be judges.

Friends.

At Los Jefferson.

They could be an amateur Welsh blowjob.

Yeah.

They met at Cardiff University, but they're all English, so they've all returned back to their.

But it's a Welsh band, but the members are English, if you know what I'm saying.

They don't sound Welsh.

I don't think they're not blowjob judging Welsh.

No, no.

No.

No.

No one's no.

We need to get Rod Gilbert, obviously.

Yeah, oh, he's yeah.

Come on.

Call that a blowjob.

What?

It's not even blowing.

Come on, no.

Make Bubbins.

He's like, he had a sitcom called Mammoth, where he was like a 70s PE teacher who was unfrozen and was like in the modern era of Welsh guy.

And he was like struggling with modern notions of political correctness, etc.

It's quite good.

That's right, yeah.

Hats hats off to Mike Bobbins and the Style Council.

Shout out to Michael.

Fuck off the Style Council.

Shut up.

We're not having that.

Susie, you have just been distracted by the upbeat tone of the Style Council.

Check out their

anti-establishment list.

I am not having it.

I'm not having it.

Are you okay with like Paul Weller's solo career?

Yes, yes, and the jam.

It's just the style council was just, it was like a bad trip.

Just look,

it was just, it was at a time where there was some questionable music and questionable fashion.

It was almost like there were other bands like the House Martins and the Smiths, and the Style Council thought, oh, we'll be a bit different.

We'll be a kind of cross between them and the new romantics and their shit.

I watched a film last night where the credits music was Happy Hour by

the House Martins.

Had the House Martins.

Watching it.

It reminded me of me and you driving about listening to the House Martins.

House Martins Hall 4.

Fat boy Slim was on that one.

Yeah, he's the bass player.

Have you seen that video?

He just did a thing where he was like a DJ in a lift.

Yes.

And people were like, it was really good.

Like, looked like a fun lift.

And people were like, he's been just, he's been gone for ages now, man.

He's like 40 years in the music game and he's still just

thriving.

What's that card's name?

Norman Cook.

Norman Cook.

What a name.

Yeah.

Invented the big beat.

Very nice.

He invented the big beak?

That's that.

That kind of stuff is what my childhood sounded like.

I've realised, I listen to some Fat Boys Limb recently, and I was like, that was the.

I'm gonna play with you like a jeez.

That was my late teens.

That was my late teens.

That's a good 20s sound.

Do you know what I mean?

Like

Neuromantics was what I remember being a kid, was like Juran Duran and stuff.

Hungry like the wolf.

Do you know what?

I will say this about

my older brother.

I'll say this to him.

He was never into shit music.

So I was very fortunately, I was educated through like you two, a a wee bit of simple minds, but the house martens echo and the bunny men.

And then as he got older and he moved away, he used to come home and like bring me home C D's and it was like the Happy Mondays and the Soup Dragons and Jesus and the Mary Chain and all that.

So I never really got subjected to that fucking Duran Duran Duran pish

or any of that kind of neuromantics event like that I like flock of seagulls I like flock of seagulls I like um

what would they call the ABC that's about

shoot that poison arrow

terrible

no

I like the BC and he's a good guy he's like isn't he like he's or the heaven 17 guy as well he's said some good kind of heaven

stuff, hasn't he?

Fergo Sharkey is a good guy.

Fergo Sharkey's very opposed to pollution in the water supply.

Good guy.

Virgo Sharkey.

That poison arrow to my heart.

What a fucking thing to say to somebody.

Human league.

Yeah, the human league.

Who broke my heart?

You did.

You did.

You did.

You think you're smart?

Stupid.

Terrible.

In a gold lamy sit.

Yeah.

That was the time spanned out ballet.

Talking heads.

They were punks.

No, but they weren't.

Yeah, they were great.

That's great music.

Yeah.

Great autistic music, I would say.

David Byrne and David Lynch people are like, how do these singular personalities who just don't really tune into what everybody else is doing and they just they're on their own path and they're awkward and but then that's what's interesting sometimes about these people is they get drawn to these very collaborative art forms yeah same with samuel beckett you like you know finds it difficult to be around people very well he's he's quite a social person, but like in his work, you know, in his novels and stuff, you're just like, you can't imagine this guy collaborating with him.

He goes into the most collaborative thing you can do.

You're completely dependent on other people.

That's the

conflict as well, isn't it?

But I think sometimes it's like, you know, David Lynch kind of be your bass player.

You need to let David Lynch be the singer.

And you need to let David Lynch design, like be in charge of the merch and stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

You just kind of need to let David Lynch go, be the director.

Whereas, some people are more better for being like a

bass player, you know, being a supportive role.

Or a front man, some people are just really good frontmen, yeah, and they're just that's just your job, just you go and be the guy at the mic,

just get the charisma.

Tell you that thing about my friend wrote this thing, it's about um, auteur theory is basically uh an artist's version of uh the soup stone story.

What's the soup soup stone?

So the soup stone.

So this woman's called Jane Andleman.

It's a soup related episode.

Well, this is

bringing it back to soup.

It's a heavy soup related.

The soup stone story is a fairy tale where a guy comes to town and people are starving in the town.

He's like, don't worry, I've got the soup stone.

And he's like, we put this stone in the pot and we boil up some water, but we'll need some carrots.

And someone goes and gets some carrots.

And we'll need some chives.

And we'll need some.

And and it goes on like this

peas and broccoli um soaked lentils and so on right and gradually they add all this stuff and he goes look this the stone has made the soup do you know what i mean and everybody's happy but really

and she's like so her joke was like it's a tour theory is that so it's like you know a director going yeah and you're like yeah but you had it you know you met a shot at that we've got cameramen and like often you know nowadays most like guys with cameramen and I shoot would be able to shoot the thing themselves.

And essentially, you're taking other people's opinions, and you know, you're not the actor,

you're not fucking lighting it, you know.

And you hear this in comedy, people go, oh, yeah, so-and-so is a bit of an a tour, or something like that.

Like, did they go and set up the fucking lights for the show?

Did they tech their own desk?

You know,

increasingly, the fringe, you know, people hiring seven

free fringe, free fringe is kind of a tour theory, maybe.

You think so?

maybe

yeah you turn up you set up your own fucking mic yeah

that was a rough year

me and Lee and Wiffnell doing the free fringe and fucking counting house having to show up and some maniacs left the fucking mic upside down behind the having to find the mic when you show up to a gig and I mean Jesus Christ god bless monkey burrow and goldy balloon and whoever else just that i knew someone

she did a free fringe show and had a nerf gun because people would wander up the stairs pissed in the middle of her show and she would just fucking shoot them in the head and they would almost 100% of the time turn around and go back or she would just do her act with this kind of nerf rifle and wow that's good

I would just scream at people when they came in

My fringe is on sale actually if anybody wants to come and see my new show.

Oh,

where are you this year, Susie?

I am in

the Gordon Aikman Theatre.

Where's the closest soup salon I can go to near there to get my

mate?

Go to the

Red Box.

Of course.

The mighty Red Box.

That's it for me.

About the Red Box, Frankie.

Well,

one occasion when I forgot to soak my lentils.

My box was styling it.

the Gordon Aikman.

So it's right across from member of Dunnewi Cat, remember I don't need container.

So it's right across to that.

That neighbourhood, you've worked your way up to the box to the from the box to the big boy.

From the box to the gods.

That's it.

So 500 seats for a full run.

Holy shit.

It's a big old room.

Come and see Susie.

Yeah.

And the French, because I have some insight into what it's like to try and shift the number of tickets.

It's a fucking lot of tickets and it's a i am very nervous about that but it'll be fine what was your capacity two years ago when you were doing 1965

for a month and some days just having like five people in it and that's kind of scarred me forever

so it's kind of like i just try and keep it

keep it low you know it's better it's better to just have a hot ticket it's better to just have people not not being able to go but if you can you'll

you'll be able to sell.

But you'll be able to sell it.

I hope so.

This red hot shit pattern.

This is going to be scalding people.

Last year was a sold-out run.

Yeah.

And the year before that was a sold-out run, so.

This will be a ladle full of fucking

easiness too.

It's not the weekends you're worried about, it's the fucking Monday and Chues days and funding Chuesdays.

But if you're still

when they do come, you're like, what the fuck are you doing here?

You ghoul.

To be fair, though, it's a fucking fucking lovely room again.

It's dead comfy, really nice, good seats, all that kind of stuff.

And it's just a big old, beautiful lecture theater.

Yeah, no, it's a great space.

So it'll be nice.

Please come.

What's your show called?

Best Behaviour.

Best Behaviour.

And it's about your heart attack.

It starts off with a heart attack.

Yeah, it goes into everybody, you know, being inherently flawed.

Wow.

Because we all are

original sin.

And I include the style council.

We're at the very much the top of the council.

It's five minutes about the heart attack, and it's a 40-minute criticism of the style council.

It's just going to be

faces just on a projector behind me.

Do you know what?

One day.

No.

No.

My funeral is going to be Wall-T-Wall Style Council.

I'm going to crack a few people just at the end.

Do you know what?

Shout it to the top.

People are really kind of sticking out to the man there.

What's the best song you've heard at a funeral?

Well, you know, I'm a Catholic man, so it's largely

oblique hymns.

Okay.

I don't know, man.

Something there's some good funeral hymns.

There is some good funeral hymns.

A wee bit of

walk with me, oh, my lord.

Walk with the session.

Oh, my lord.

On the way out.

It's a banger.

I'm going to bring in hymns old and new.

One of my pal's dad died.

And he was a really cool guy.

Like a proper post-punk head.

Had all the Joy Division and talking heads, records, and stuff.

But at his funeral, we had um neon lights by craft work,

uh, like as the coffin got brought into Daldowie, and it was like, fuck, that's a cool song.

Also, whatever's playing isn't going to really be over a funeral for me, it's going to be over my body being handed over to necrophiles.

Yeah, baying crowd of on that.

You better hope the Lentos have been sick

when these bays are.

You better hope I'm out of there.

I don't care.

You're going to be.

I don't know if I can go to your funeral and watch the necrophiles do stuff to you.

I don't need to see that.

But I'll just be thrown from the top of an Aztec temple into

a throng of screaming necrophiles to the sound of style cancer's shouted to the top.

Yeah.

Fucking your body to pieces is the.

Eight sips at the fucking reception.

Is it called?

Isn't that called a reception?

The purvy.

The purvy.

I would like, do you know how they do?

And like, there's a Japanese restaurant I was in, and they were talking about having a sake flights where you could have three different sake to experience the different aspects.

You should have soup flights where it's like seven smaller

taster soups and you can just kind of go from the miso to the lentil and

the sweet corn chowder.

You can serve them in something a bit like a menorah, you know?

Okay,

a bit of Judaism.

Converting to Judaism and the style council in your final moments before you're fucked to pieces by necrophiles.

Bay and necrophiles.

Well, why not?

The throng.

Why not stands, isn't there?

There's a squash ways to go.

Is there?

I've tried to put a spin on it.

I've already gone it, doesn't matter.

It's a victimless crime, necrophilia.

Yeah.

As we often say.

As we see here, the pod, sponsored by Tisso Electric Bikes

and some kind of

great Scotlands

Tisso outdoor.

I'm coming to get my mic and die in a park.

And let the necrophiles find me.

They'll find me all right, spell me out.

That's the first place they'll look.

Do you know how the Egyptians would maybe have people, they would have like their slaves entombed with them alive, so that they would then have slaves in the afterlife?

Who would you like to have entombed with you so that you could keep them for the Great Beyond?

Oh, an interesting question, Christopher.

I think you know you're coming with me.

Put me in a wee jar, a wee Anubis-headed jar.

I'll just keep.

I'll just have a whole kind of like game system and stuff there in the pyramid for you.

You can live a pretty, pretty similar to what your life would have been like outside the pyramid.

just get a switch as long as the switch 2 comes out and then well you'll be able to download stuff

from it there'll be wi-fi but that's a software thing i'm talking about hardware event that's the issue with a lot of these games is that eventually the software dies and they didn't think about that back when they were planning the two i'm i'm going to try not build the pyramid until the switch 2

is fully realized.

Do you know the cool thing about the switch 2 is one of the controllers you can flip it and it becomes a mouse.

And then you've just got a a mouse on the train.

Did the Switch need to get cooler?

That was like the fucking coolest thing.

The Switch is so cool, but now it's even cooler.

So, what's happening with the Switch 2?

What it's more powerful, but the right controller can become a computer mouse.

So, you'll just be out and about.

You don't need a mouse pad, but you'll just have you can be on like any table, and you've just got one of the controllers and a mouse.

So, you can play kind of more PC-ish games like

Civilization or something.

Do you know what I mean?

Civ 6.

I'm a detective

clicking on clues.

Yeah.

Broken Sword.

And when is this Nintendo Switch 2 coming out?

This week we're sponsored by the Nintendo Switch 2.

It comes out um

later this year.

November.

Yes, Miss.

For Christmas.

Fuck's sake.

Everybody in this studio right now, including Indie Logue, will be getting a Switch 2 for Christmas from somebody I would imagine, such as the ubiquity of the Nintendo um brand.

I'm gonna say that that's probably unlikely for me, but okay.

I can live in hope.

As I I say to people, Santa's listening.

Santa's always listening.

I like to say that to people.

Immediately forget what they were talking about.

Santa's listening.

For your birthday.

Still Easter.

Santa's listening to Easter.

I think Santa should be in more holidays.

He was the one who fucking nailed Jesus to the cross or whatever.

Do you know what I mean?

Santa?

It was Santa who did it.

It wasn't he, Judas Iscariot or

what was the name of the Pontius pilot?

It was Santa Claus.

Pontius Pilus.

Is that not his name?

I thought it was Chris Pontius for Jackis.

Pontius.

Pontius.

I say Pontius.

You know why, Frankie?

You know why he says it?

I'm a Venice.

He's a Paris.

And you know what?

It doesn't hit home the way it does for us.

I'm a Lindfung.

And I always have been.

And I always will be.

Gotta save the Queen.

Anyway, thank you.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I was watching.

You remember we very much enjoyed our limbs in the lock when we had our mini brain?

That's right, yeah.

So there was a Peter Tobin documentary

on the iPhone.

Tobin is such a disgusting word, isn't it?

Tobin.

Tobin.

It's from the

so the first part is about the family of Dynamic Nicol and Vicky Hamilton.

And then episode two is the Angelica Kluke and bringing it and then finding.

So two episodes.

Sit yourself down.

Enjoy.

Toe bin's a disgusting word because it's like a bin full of toes.

It's a bit like Tolly.

Tolly bin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A bin full of shits and toes.

It's like, no wonder the guy who's killing people.

Well, name like that.

I had a load of different names though.

That's a funny thing.

What other names did they have?

Well, at the church, he went by the name of Pat McLaughlin.

Pat McLaughlin?

That sounds like an instruction.

Can you just Pat McLaughlin there?

When he was the handyman.

Oh, he was

a handy handy.

He was the handyman.

But anyway, highly recommend, boys.

Okay.

I know we

do enjoy a WeMurder documentary.

Sure, why not?

He's still alive?

No, he's dead.

No, he's we've been through this.

Remember, you tried to solve his crimes after the crime had been solved.

Who was, yeah, who done the crimes of Peter Tobin?

Oh, it was Peter Tobin.

He's fucking hell.

He went to Margate.

That's quite trendy these days.

I don't think he helped Gentrify the

Fred West had an ice cream van in Easter House.

That'll be how we got the four.

Hey, how are you doing?

This is Braduce Randy.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Make sure you get your tickets to see Susie's Edinburgh fringe show, Best Behavior.

Those tickets are on sale now.

Take it easy, Guillotiners.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.