Here Comes the Guillotine Live in Aberdeen - Part 1

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

How are you doing?

Producer Andy here.

I've got an extra special episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd for you right now from the live show in Aberdeen.

This is part one.

We'll release part two soon.

In the meantime, if you don't have your tickets for Glasgow or Edinburgh, get them now.

Enjoy the show.

Aberdeen, put your hands together for Susie Mackey!

Aberdeen, I've kicked fuck out the other two.

I've had enough of them on that fucking journey up.

Christopher talking about come,

Frankie talking about the Pope.

I went, enough.

I'll do the fucking show myself.

So, no, listen, it's lovely to be here.

We're very excited.

This is our first ever.

Here comes the guillotine.

He's going to say, Live, we're doing it in Aberdeen.

And do you know, do you know, it's quite, I love Aberdeen because I actually used to work for a company up here, I used to work for a company called Richard Irvin's.

And who listened?

Hey, I was just the estimator, I never fitted, fuck all.

I just price jobs very cheaply.

That's why the music hall will go on fire in about three months, right?

But

so, no, it's always nice to come back up.

It's great, it's always nice to come back up.

And we need to thank you because we've just over a year of the podcast, and I really feel that we've all been on a journey,

haven't we, Aberdeen?

We've been on a fucking Lord of the Rings journey.

I don't know about anybody else, but I knew fuck all about Lord of the Rings.

Last January, come the end of last February.

I feel like I'm Tolkien himself.

It's exhausting.

So, listen,

we're very excited.

What's going to happen is we're going to have a first half, then we're going to have an interval, then we're going to have a second half.

I'm not telling you anything else because we'll just see what happens.

The same way we approach the podcast.

And the reason it's me that's been tossed out here is that I'm the best dressed,

as you will soon find out.

What do you think of that, Buck?

What do you think?

Do you like it?

So, I mean, let's discuss it

before they do come down.

Right, there's Frankie straight out of yoga retreat.

You can decide tonight when you see Frankie if that's how he's looking.

He looks like fucking renting from train spotting sporting in that picture.

And then we've got Christopher, who's looking more of a lesbian than me.

Very much art imitating life.

So then we've got

Christopher as a Velma.

And then let's get to me.

Clearly, the artist was a bit fucking tired.

Like, look at the Arams man.

Who the fuck am I?

I wish I had Arams like that.

I just look very much, show me what a menopausal lesbian looks like.

So, listen, that's enough for me.

We're going to crack on with the show.

I need to bring on my two compadres, two of my closest friends and colleagues, and I genuinely love them both.

Please, Aberdeen, put it together for Christopher MacArthur Boyd

and Frankie Barlow!

Alright,

what's happening, man?

Am I introducing thank you?

Well, I thought you were coming on together, but clearly you've decided to fucking mix it up.

Wait,

you've came out like a mascot without the fucking team.

Mate, here's the rules: see if we're gonna co-hang on to somebody else's career.

They need to be here.

Well, in that case,

put your hands together for Frankie Boyo.

Did you say my name and I just missed it?

I?

Fucking hell.

You just said me, and I was like, I know about myself.

Right there, and we'll ask the sold-out His Majesty's Theatre.

Folks, did you hear me say the name Frankie Boyle?

Well, we can't all be wrong.

Alright, there must have been some kind of mistake.

I was just saying, Frankie, how much you look like renting from train spotting in that picture?

Yeah, I've been incredibly ill for a couple of weeks.

I think I've maybe had COVID or something.

But could I let the people of Aberdeen down?

Well, you probably could have a food and a bunch of people.

I'm about to, but

contractually, no, I could not.

I love how you've just fucking battered your feet up in the soil.

You're fucking a little bit more.

I've been the big one.

Absolutely.

Look, look at you, yubby lesbian.

Look at your this

roll neck and everything.

We've talked about this before, but I think we all look like lesbians.

And like when I'm clean shaven, I'm very much the kind of PE teacher lesbian.

When you're not clean shaven, you're very much the PE teacher lesbian.

You've got Miss Trunchbowl vibes from Matilda all over you.

Oh, yeah.

Seemed like you could swing a child by its hair

into another curtain.

I love how you've brought the musicals into this to just fulfil your lesbian credentials.

What next poetry?

I'll tell you a nice story about Crystal.

Do you want to know a nice story about Christopher?

I've done a show called Fame Fatality, and Christopher was my tour support.

And there's a certain bit in the show, some of you may have seen it, you may have paid to see it at the Tivoli, you may even have watched it in BBC iPlayer.

There's a plug.

And

there's a bit in it about oranges is not the only fruit.

And we were in tour and we went to Wigtown, Scotland's book town.

I don't know if you've got books in Aberdeen, but

they're these things, they're really handy.

And Christopher went into the bookshop and got me an original copy of Oranges Is Not the Only Fruit.

See?

he's not always a B dick.

I thought that story was the time she walked in and we were having a wank in the hotel.

I was like, oh,

thank god, it's a nice one.

It was nearly the story of two minutes before the very first show in that tour, you burst a pen right over your entire face.

Yeah,

I was chewing a pen backstage and it burst in my mouth.

It looked like a squid had came in me

and then tried to rinse it with hand sanitizer.

Yeah.

Do you think that's why squids do that?

So that they're sort of unrapeable in a way.

Because you would know,

you've been at the squid again.

That's why you're banned from Deep Sea World, Frankie.

One of the reasons.

But yeah, we just had an absolutely stunning Chinese meal in Aberdeen.

Where was it?

The new

bamboo.

The new bamboo.

Have you heard of it?

Everybody's like, that's the fucking worst Chinese in Aberdeen.

The new golden bamboo, maybe?

It was on

Huntley Street.

Stunning.

It had peas in it.

Which is uncommon for Chinese cuisine, but I thought it was cracking.

What did you have, Frankie?

I had chicken chao men and spare ribs, which is the gig food of choice.

And

both were mediocre.

We're very food-focused people on tour.

Largely, I'd say 80% of our day revolves around finding and criticising food.

Yeah.

I get fucking

so excited.

I hadn't left Glasgow and I was already like, where are we going for lunch?

What can you have between Glasgow and Aberdeen?

Nothing.

Broxton.

Yeah.

You get to Perth.

Get to Perth, get into Broxton.

What's the fucking worst thing that's ever happened to you in Aberdeen, Frankie?

Well,

um,

it's probably a fair old list.

I remember like the first ever time I did a gig in Aberdeen, there was a gig in the Lemon Tree and they were running a bill.

I'd never been to Aberdeen.

The Lemon Tree wanted to start putting on comedies.

This would be like the last fucking century, right?

The last millennium.

And I said to someone, what's Aberdeen like?

And they went, it's alright, so long as you're off the main streets by nine,

you should be fine, right?

So I go to do this gig at the Lemon Tree and I'm closing.

So I'm watching the start of it and it seems fine.

And I go out and have a wee wander.

And I look at my watch and it's just nearly nine.

I I look, it's like 859, like that, and I'm on Union Street, and I'm like, fucking hell.

And just as it turns nine, a guy runs across the street with a leather belt wrapped around his fist and fucks some guy to the ground like that.

And I was like, shit, and like nine o'clock, it's like fucking Cinderella in this time.

I used to

stay at the Mal Maison when we do tour gigs here.

I know the Mal Maison.

Yeah, but it seemed to be in a hotel almost entirely for people people having affairs.

And some people would one time fucked really loudly next door to me at about four in the afternoon, clearly some work affair.

And the keys had a set of red lips with a finger over them going shh like that.

Mal Mazo in Aberdeen.

Romance?

I was once supporting Stuart Francis in Aberdeen.

And thank you.

Hello, Stuart.

I'm Stuart.

Good to see you, big man.

Hope you're well.

Hope the cartoons are doing good.

And we were doing Aberdeen, Dundee, Dunfermline, all the high spots.

And we were staying in the Malmaison.

So after the gig in Aberdeen, we went back to Malmaison and we were sitting in the bar and we're just chewing the fat and having a beer.

And it was Black Friday.

And yes, there was like people who'd obviously got hotels to come and have the party with the company, and a guy vomited into a bin,

walked up to the bar, and went, Just give us another pint of lager.

And I was like, God bless you, Aberdeen.

That's fucking resilience, man.

That is what I would class as a tactical whitey.

You know, when you just need a vomit so you can go for the setting session,

that's a tactical whitey.

Have you ever done a tactical whitey, Christopher?

Almost constantly.

I love whitey and I think it's just a great way.

Like the Romans used to do the ancient Romans, used to have a vomitorium where they would just fucking go

and then keep eating.

Whitey.

That's what you do.

That's what I do.

Amazing.

Wait, that's bulimia.

Fucking Princess Diana sitting here

with Nick's throwing yourself down the stairs.

Stay away from Mercedes and tunnels.

I can't believe Susie was describing the jolly Billy Conley concept of the casual vomit, basically, and you turned it into a horrific eating disorder, Pam.

It's brilliant, isn't it?

You fucking make yourself sick.

I have a crippling eating disorder.

Oh, my teeth are falling out, but

my bones are weak.

The bile's built up, and now my teeth have fell out my head like

stomach acids dissolved, the teeth before they've fallen out.

It's fucking unbelievable.

It's frightening.

See, we told you it would just be like the podcast live.

Normally producer Andy would be like, I'll fucking edit that, but don't worry about it.

Or sometimes, and I don't know if this has come through in the podcast, sometimes we'll be sitting chatting.

I don't know if you've noticed this, and you'll just hear Frankie going,

Yeah, that should probably come out.

And if you hear this, he can hear it.

He's not in the spirit world, do you know what I mean?

Can you please take this out so legal don't get in court?

Thanks.

They've been very good legal.

We've had very few legal notes.

You can't libel the dead.

That's quite useful.

Silable, black's not contact us from the fucking afterlife.

Surprise, surprise.

I cannot tell you how much that video makes me laugh.

And it's the campness of yours.

Surprise, surprise.

There has been a bit of a legal leaderboard, though.

Do you know who's at the top of it?

Who?

Do you know who's at the top of it?

For the things that have come back from legal.

It must be Christopher.

100%.

It's for me, Christopher.

The protege.

What have I been saying?

What have you not said?

What notes have we had for them?

Well, I don't think, I think the nature of a legal note means that you can't go, guess who said we couldn't say this,

or they'd sue us into the fucking ground.

You can't really just talk about that.

Can you hint at it?

I don't know, any.

They don't tell me.

Puff Daddy, they just said,

have at it, the cunt's busy.

You know

the Diddy stuff's crazy, man.

You know, because it's like, it kind of affects Scottish

language.

Do you know what I mean?

Because we would call a small football team a Diddy team.

You know.

And now a Deddy team takes on a whole different conversation.

They're about your Deddy team.

I won't worry about it.

It's separate showers for after that.

Do you know what Deddy is actually slang for though in the Scottish vernacular?

Could I guess?

Aye.

Boobs

As in teddies,

I said could I guess?

I asked if I could guess.

No, you're bang on, it's just the way you went babies.

Like you've never seen a pair

seen

some three

on the one lassie.

We've all been there.

Aye, so the diddy thing, I think, was a bit of a problem, and you were you went in a deep dive in the diddy thing.

He had a lot of fucking lib.

As we've said,

I have met Puff Daddy, as I called him at the time.

And

I offered him a wee miniature hero and he took a bounty.

Well, that was a warning of what he was capable of to take a bounty.

If you go for the one sweet in that bowl that tastes like hotel shampoo,

it's not a great sight.

See, if he took a twix, twix, I'd be like, he's alright.

No,

if you're taking a bounty out of that full selection,

that's when you know he's worth a fucking watching.

Who's sitting picking coconut over anything else in that selection?

It's disgraceful.

Is that a celebration or a miniature hero?

I'm still a nosies and quality street lassies.

I'm retro.

I'm not sh I'm not sh no that may be a moment.

I think it's a celebration, so you would have got the twix in the galaxy.

Who's no picking a galaxy?

Who's not picking a galaxy over a bounty?

I to you pervert.

Fucking puff daddy.

Not the worst of his crimes.

No.

He sometimes had £40,000 damage bills in hotels.

So he was let fucking people through the wall and stuff.

There's not £40,000 worth of stuff unless you start to do structural damage.

Surely an entire Ibis is grand.

Do you know what I mean?

He's dropping on it from a helicopter.

I don't think he was at the Ibis.

Yeah, I kinda see him checking it out, but

using the self-checking.

Yeah.

I wonder if he went down to breakfast.

Cumberland sausage

and a pancake machine?

Ooh.

Here, that's posh hotels that you're staying in a fucking pancake machine, eh?

Somebody's done well for themselves.

Frankie took me to the Aberdeen

at four o'clock in the afternoon.

It's the fucking old cunts that put the toast in that toaster.

No, you can't.

And then they fuck off.

Listen, I've got a whole ten-minute bit and this is my new show.

We can't even fucking talk about it.

Can he?

I've got a whole bit about you the fucking stress level of using a hotel toaster and brought on my heart attack.

Not Nothing here is that fucking cigarettes and kids right.

I said, fucking, don't you judge me.

I remember before you got your hello fresh when you used to come into my house, the only vegetables you got is when I gave you soup to take away with you.

And now you're sitting going, It wasn't just the cigarette, Susan.

Fuck off, Christopher.

Don't clap that.

It's in many ways been a year of crisis for all of us.

Yeah.

Since we started the podcast, pretty much.

It's cursed, I think.

I think it's a cursed podcast.

It's ruined all our lives individually in different ways.

It's kind of like Final Destination.

That certainly seems to be what sponsors think.

Mark Undercursed.

Me and Susie had a meeting with the sponsors.

I don't know if it's good content for the live show, but we had a Zoom call.

This was a fucking laugh, right?

So we got into this Zoom call.

There were 324 people on it, and me and Christopher, I, you were in your pajama bottoms,

right?

Which he's seen because he kept moving his camera, and I'm like, I really hope he's not going to semi, Jesus.

These we tartan boxers, right?

I was like shivered and dressed because it was 12 o'clock in the day, and I'm a fucking grown-up.

And

so we were on this call, and it was like, so there was the kind of London-based bit, they're like, Hey, guys,

describe your podcast to us.

And I'm like,

Well,

and Christopher's just sitting going,

I'm like, Yo, we dick.

I was like, Well, it's a really broad cross-section.

We've got the young, we've got the middle-aged, we've got the gay, you know, we've got, you know, Frankie's got a big fall in doing that whole just fucking corporate bullshit, right?

Because I used to have a kind of corporate life.

And Chris was like, Yeah,

yeah, I guess so.

And then they were like, What kind of sponsors would you like?

So I've been thinking, Fred Perry,

Adidas, right?

Because look at this, we're fucking athletes, man.

Christopher went from Nintendo

to, wait for it Taylor's Crisps

And then bolted it in me.

I really like Mackey's ice cream.

If I've got a tub in the freezer,

do you think you could get Mackie's the sponsor us?

Yeah, I'm a big fan of the flagship Abadonian Mackie's bit.

Where is that?

It's thanks to the blue lamp, isn't it?

Yeah.

No?

Oh, fuck, no.

Where is it?

Right.

Aye that's just down for the blue lamp though.

Ah you fucking pernickety bastard.

It's not actually the blue lamp, it's actually Marishal Square.

Fuck off.

Yeah I think you'll find that's the Aberdonian Gothic quarter term.

I know

you were right son.

I seen a news story and it said Aberdeen's gonna be hotter than Athens next week.

What is that?

Asteroid landing?

Just global warming.

When did you read this?

Just I googled Aberdeen before I came out, so I'd have stuff to say.

I said

daily record hotter than Athens.

I was like, sorry,

'cause I seen a I was talking to a climate scientist and they were saying, Oh, Glasgow will be the same temperature as Barcelona in 15 years, and I was like, Fucking take it.

Sounds But I'll be wet, though.

That's the only thing we've got.

It's already fucking wet.

But it'll be more wet.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But I do like the idea of Aberdeen being the Athens in the north and taking that title

from Edinburgh.

Just like, I think you'll find it's fucking Aberdeen.

And they've got butteries.

Chase yourself, Edinburgh.

We're all in on that.

Are you all right?

You've got to hate Edinburgh, don't you?

It's just the grim Presbyterian.

I think it's kind of like the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

You know what I mean?

The

west and east coast of Scotland.

The east coast is the rational

proddy

side.

West Coast, the angry Catholic side.

Of the impulsive, creative part of the brain.

And the East Coast is the kind of, oh no, you shouldn't do that.

Don't do that.

You might have some fun.

I went to the rugby with my mate the other week, right?

Me and my mate played rugby at school because the Whitney Geez a football team, they wouldn't let us have a girls' football team.

So, as an absolute point of note, we started a girls' rugby team because we thought, Well, you'll fucking regret that, because rugby's much more violent, right?

And

we went to the rugby the other week and we had a great time, and it was all very civilised, much more civilised

in kind of perception than footballers, right?

And then we went into Edinburgh.

Now, Scotland have absolutely horsed Italy at the rugby.

It was genuinely one of the shittiest nights out.

Do you know how bad it was?

We got the fucking train back to Glasgow

because we just went out in the pubs in Edinburgh.

And do you know what?

There's just it's fucking boring.

Do you know the most exciting thing was the fucking tram and meeting four Aberdonian women on it.

That was it.

It was fucking bleak.

It's just

a cobbled street personality-less fucking hellhole.

Still thinking about moving there, Christine?

Well, maybe, we'll see.

We'll see.

You're a big fan of Edinburgh.

I think it's nice.

Remember, you tried to get me to find three things that was great about Edinburgh, and I struggled.

And you went, it's got a great gelato scene.

It does.

This was also three weeks after I'd had a heart attack.

Gelato, as we all know,

is handy for heart attacks like ice cream and tonsils.

They've got some great ice cream shops, that's something.

It's also that thing of being judgmental when you're in Scotland.

Do you know what I mean?

Edinburgh.

You're in fucking Scotland as well.

You can't fucking be above anyone.

You're in fucking Scotland.

This is fucking shit.

JK Rowling, she seems like the typical person who'd live in

Aberdeen.

I'm by the way, I'm one of these people who can separate the art from the artist and I still hate her for her books.

I've I'm going to Edinburgh next week for a few days to

yeah.

Uh I've had some lovely getaways in Aberdeen myself.

I've been up here a few times with partner.

Went to the Maritime Museum.

Pretty good.

A lot of stuff about oil, which is fair enough.

And a Punch and Judy exhibition, which didn't seem very maritime.

It was like oil, oil, seas, sand, water, punch and duty.

Is it not just because it was kinda beach voda fill?

Okay, that makes sense.

I was just like

it's like when you go to St Andrew's Aquarium and there's a meer cat bit and you're like

do they know there are no fish?

Like

see when you're travelling round the country doing this job, do you just go to like water based type museums and like a fucking human otter.

Aberdeen with the oil is sort of like a Scottish person won the lottery.

Do you know what I mean?

And it's like it's exactly what would happen.

Like the outside would stay the same.

So you'd still stay in your fucking same house, but you'd get loads of sex workers and coke in.

And that's essentially what happened.

What I think of when I think of Aberdeen is swinging scene, cocaine

and Willie Miller for some reason.

Not that he's necessarily involved in either of those scenes, although

that's hope.

I would love to be an otter.

I would love to have smash shells on my belly with a nice smooth stone.

This is my dream.

What animal would you like to be, Frankie, if you could be any animal?

Does it have to be like a real animal?

No.

A mighty dragon.

A mighty dragon?

Yeah.

Wow.

Like smog?

Yeah.

You never really see if they have genitals, do you?

But clearly they must.

How do lizards fuck?

What are they packing?

You know what I mean?

Like, I'd imagine they have a cloaker like a bird, because birds are just lizards with attitudes, you know.

So I'd imagine they've just got a kind of whole, multi-purpose hole.

But would like their cock fall off like their tail?

Do you know what I mean?

If you're frightened, you can just drop one and grow another one?

Is that what you want?

Well, on a dragon scale,

I've got a vast

detachable cock the size of a fucking telephone pole.

What about you?

This is the chats in the podcast where I normally just have a me drink of water

or surreptitiously unwrap sweets under the desk.

Nothing surreptitiously about it.

I'm fucking in about it because it annoys so many people.

I'm like, fuck you.

You're not trapped in a fucking room with these two, aren't you?

No.

I think I would, you're lying.

Not because of the whole kind of,

I just like their tails.

I would love a tail.

I'd fucking love a tail.

I've had this for years.

I used to discuss this all the time about how if you had a tail like a lion, it's just dead handy.

You could have your cup of tea, your cigarette, or your book, and your beer, whatever it is that you're.

Prehensile like a gibbon.

Yeah,

I like a wee gibbon.

Because there's a sex community called um

I'm glad you're giving me this advice towards my quest on getting a tail.

There's a sex community called the furries and they dress up like animals and I'm not a furry but

I get it.

My conspiracy theory is the furry community was started by the dry cleaning industry.

It's an inside job.

If you had a prehensile tail, you could juggle while wanking.

And that's an act I'd like to see.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's revolutionise the circus industry.

Had anybody else in this room, apart from those two, heard about the furries?

A big fucking strong guy voice down there, ah, you're creep.

Right.

You've never heard the furries?

They dress up like mascots, like Broxy Bear.

I want his feet turned on.

Broxy, there's nothing I can think of better than a big Ranger's teddy bear.

I dread to think how Hoopy the Huddlehound got his nickname.

Hoopy and Haley.

My wife got to be Hoopy the Huddlehound.

It was a life's ambition.

She got to be Hoopy, and there is a picture of um, because I'd done an LGBT thing for Celtic Great for Pride Month a couple of years ago, and we get married about half a mile.

And they went, Why don't you come on me and get a couple of like secret pictures in the tunnel and stuff like that the day you get married?

And I was like, Great, then we can fuck off their families for half an hour.

I'm actually a big Rangers fan.

We went, and there was a picture of her in her wedding dress,

and then in the dugout, and then there's a picture of her as Hoopy the Huddlehound.

And let me tell tell you, Aberdeen, there's only one of those pictures left in a picture frame, and it's not the one in the fucking dress.

Ah, fucking check.

You might be a funny

by the sounds of it, and you just don't have the word for it.

So people dress up as mascot, like fucking.

So they'll book out like a hotel, like a kind of hilton or something.

Again, I don't know why I know so much about this.

Put that in your suitcase, check into your room, put the animal costume on, go down to the convention bit, the way we would do like a corporate gig or something in the room.

Instead of comedian or food, it's just a big bunch of people dressed as dogs fucking each other.

I think fucking let them have it.

Let them do it.

Let us do it then, might as well for just.

What would yours be?

Would you be a wee teddy bear?

No.

I dressed up as a a tiger for Halloween when I was a wee boy and I really liked him.

What year was this?

1998 or something.

Or somebody just went, oh,

be Christopher.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mind the stripes.

Maybe for one of the other live shows, me and Frankie could paint your face as a tiger.

We could do a funny show.

Why not?

Be Beast from X-Men.

You don't really want to start calling yourself Beast though.

That was bold of him.

Yeah.

Andy worked at a university Philly.

I was a fucking computer expert.

I'm Beast.

Maybe choose another name.

Yeah.

Ultra Pedo.

Torpedo.

Yeah.

Be nice.

I think we've got a

a game.

We've got plans.

Oh, fuck yeah, we've got to do a game.

Should we explain to any of what's happening?

I think we've done any of that.

Why, why?

We don't explain fuck all in the podcast.

Why do you want to know?

I don't think you do, do you?

Listen, you'll build the road in time for the babysitter to go home.

So it's like this is the first bit, and then another bit.

You don't need to say this is the first bit.

They know.

They know that they're in the middle of the first bit.

I know you find it.

I can summarise this in like two sentences.

It's still a sentence.

It's still a sentence until I hit the full stop.

We've got about 15 minutes left of this.

Then we'll have a QR code come up in which you can put your mailbags, any problems you want dealt with, any questions you want answered.

And then we'll have an interval, then second half we'll come back, we'll have a guest on and we'll talk to our guest and then we'll all do the mailbags

together for the questions.

until then, we've got a game to play.

Yes, we do.

Certainly fucking jigsaw for so.

But we've got a game where quotes are going to come up, and then we need to guess who said them.

So, this is

see, be honest, this could be fucking any of us, right?

Over a period of time, I had an online flirtation with a very attractive woman who happened to be a Nazi.

Who was a

she was very attractive?

What the fuck was that?

The amount of people who come up and go, I really enjoy the podcast, love the podcast.

Did Frankie go on a date with the Nazis?

You can out with her?

And I'm like, no.

I never got a date with her because

she

had

very high standards, I felt, about the male body.

As she would do ideologically, yeah.

Maxis weren't one for body positivity, weren't they?

She was a sports model and she did some kind of martial arts where she had a kind of rubber man in her house and she would run at it and kind of grab it with her thighs and choke the fucker out on the deck.

I really think this says more about you than her.

I think I would just go with the furries.

Even if it was Broxy Bear, I'd be like, in you come, son.

She was funny.

She was very,

a very funny person.

Everything was fine, except

some of her views on

the historical veracity of events around the Second World War.

It's a shame because now she's too busy with the Trump cabinet, you know.

Yeah, she's got away, man.

But, you know.

Yeah.

Wow.

Next quote.

Surprise, surprise.

I've got to sing it.

Surprise, surprise, strangled by a pedestrial.

I don't think, was that the actual quote?

No, I sang surprise, surprise, the SAS have shot me between the eyes,

which is what actually happened to Seller Black.

And then Christopher went into a kind of Arctic monkeys version.

Surprise, surprise.

Strangled by a paedophile on the moon.

Yeah, I think what I was kind of, and maybe Legal will have to take this out, but what I meant was

it's live.

Oh, goodness.

I spun him in the front page of the fucking PJ in Monday.

Fuck's sake, right?

Next, what's up?

What's we doing for you, Mount Cristobal?

It was me, it was me.

Do you want a love bite on your arse?

Who said that?

I'm going to say that was you.

Me?

I.

Was it Frank?

Fuck Lucky.

Who was it?

It was Frankie.

Look at that.

Looking you, but can I embrace your hand and look how happy you look now?

It was something some women shouted at me from a car when I was about 15.

I loved how there's guys down there, but no, wasn't it Frankie?

That's cool.

And being a highly sexed kind of like teenager, I went back to that spot every week for years.

To try and draw erotic energy from the sight.

No, just hoping they'd come back.

They must be about fucking 70 now when they take their teeth out to suck it.

I remember one night I was in Aberdeen and it was kind of an inverse scenario.

But me and you know the comedian Chris Forbes, Frontime Forbes, he's opened up for you.

Oh, yeah.

We were doing a gig at the blue lamp and we were driving out.

We got a wee Chinese and we were eating it in his car, which was quite nice.

And some a group of

boys were coming down and I was a bit like, oh, don't know about this.

And he was like, ah, it's fine.

And a guy took his trousers down and put his ass cheek against the window

and me and I just kept eating my Chinese.

Do you think having a Chinese is like a signal in Dolkin?

He's got to chime in, he wants bummed.

But yeah, he just stuck his bum.

But then I got Forbes decided to kind of go

with the

electric car window, so it kind of like pinched his ass.

I'd fine who you're fucking.

It's a great town, I'm

so nice to be back.

Do you want a love bite on your ass?

You ever had a love bite, Susie?

When was your first love bite?

What happened?

What happened?

I actually, oh no, I can't say that.

And they kind of cut it out if I say it here.

Yes, I had a love bite recently.

I mean, it was by mistake, but so it's just my bank.

Which means it was by mistake.

Sometimes it gets out of hand, Christopher.

All right, I'll leave it.

Look, we're all adults.

Susie's blushing.

That was Frankie.

Can we get the next quote, please?

Look at the state of you, you fucking gammon.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Was this when I was going through my angry phase?

It's been quite a few years now, hasn't it?

A decade or two.

relaxed a lot, relaxed a lot.

Look at my face.

Who was it about?

Probably the Daily Mail.

Yeah.

Just fucking pricks moaning in line.

Fucking moaning.

Right, okay.

I've got no idea what it was about, but I was obviously moaning about fucking somebody like Kelvin Mackenzie.

Who's Kelvin Mackenzie?

When you grow up, you'll find out.

No,

he's got the most Scottish name, he's the most anti-Scottish person,

and he's just an all-round fucking cunt.

Really is horrible, man.

But all those people are like, so that side of society is just completely empowered now.

Do you know what I mean?

And I wonder if, like, if like a lot of these people are always like that.

So I was reading,

you know, authoritarianism.

So, like, the way our society breaks up is about 20% of people are progressive,

and about 20% of people are kind of authoritarian.

And then we have this kind of chaotic stuff in the middle.

But see, the authoritarian people, it might be genetic.

Yeah, so they've done a whole bunch of twin studies

with different types of twins and people who are raised separately and all this kind of stuff.

And they go, authoritarianism seems to be passed on genetically.

So maybe you just have 20% of people who are cursed.

And now,

you know, as society shifts in that direction, they go, Fucking thank God I can drop the mask, kill every fucker, build a camps.

What a depressing fucking

twenty.

Do you know what though, right?

I would

argue that that could be right.

I remember one day being with a relative who said some pretty fucking shocking things, and you're like, Jesus, I'm related to a fascist, right?

But you can choose not to be, do you know what I mean?

You can choose to re-educate yourself and realign yourself.

And I think we've got to start that pushback.

I've done a thing

the other week.

I'm a patron of a charity.

It's called Time for Inclusive Education.

It's an LGBT charity, and they went to schools and they teach kids about kind of like so it's all age-appropriate and

kids about language and how language can offend.

And they watched this film and it was called Never Going Back.

And it was about the kind of LGBT struggle in Section 28.

And everybody just associates that with education in schools, but it was actually meant that you couldn't go to a library and get books and stuff like that.

Do you know what I mean?

So there was a whole host of stuff with it.

And they were like never going back, and you're going, maybe we fucking are going back.

That's the thing.

So maybe now the progressives need and it's not natural, but maybe we need to do the pushback.

Maybe we need to fucking push back against the gammon and the cunts.

Who's in?

Next quote, please.

I can go to Grand Canaria and find Diana Brew, but I can't go to Wrexham and find Diana Brew.

I get very annoyed at that.

What are the chances of you or Frankie being in Grand Canaria?

I'm going to say that was me.

It sounds like Susie.

It sounds like me.

It's Susie.

Fucking raging.

Look at me.

Raging in a full fucking.

I'm sure that might be a fucking Celtic top or something I remember.

Well played Andy.

I had an Iron Brew this morning.

Susie, you're caught up in traffic.

I jumped into a shop and I bought a Polish non-brand version of Ion Brew called Ice Blue.

It was bad.

Bars have really got it down there.

Imagine the Poles

producing an orange can and calling it ice blue for Glasgow.

And you're going, of all the fucking nations in the world, they're quite Catholic.

But yet, they have gone to that side of Glasgow to get money so that they can keep funding the Catholic Church.

I see what the fucking Poles are up to here.

They have become infiltrated.

It looked terrible, mate, to be honest with you.

Yeah, it was rough.

We drink an incredible amount of Iron brew while doing the podcast.

No,

you and Christopher drink it comfortably.

I don't steal from the fridge.

Do you have a fridge?

We're not stealing, it's there for us.

No, do you know what it is?

You people have never worked in an office.

See if I worked in an office and people came in sporadically and done a whole batch of records, and then every time they came in, they just took two cans of my own brew.

I'd blah, I'm moving that fucking fridge.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not like the staff fridge, it's a wee guest fridge.

It's a wee help yourself.

There's a wee turnover's tea cake there occasionally.

Yeah.

Occasionally?

Well, not if we've been there.

As soon as they know we're coming in, they've started to clear it out.

They put tenants in there the other day.

Either was.

There were three cans of tenants in it.

It's fucking tempting.

That was unprofessional with them to put tenants in there.

They were the pint cans as well.

I thought if Christopher is one of them, we'll be fucking stealing.

So, often floating about the offices are paedophile serial killer and shapeshifter Des Clark,

who had me on his radio show for a pre-record to plug the podcast that he gets fucking pelters on every week.

We love Des.

He's a lovely guy, and he might be about tonight in a different form.

We don't know what shape he's worn.

He could be a kind of dust man.

Well, we had some woman who was at a fucking presenter come in on one of the first days and went

introduced herself to me and went, Tell you what, takes a dirty to know a dirty.

And I was fucking terrified.

And we all were a bit shaken.

Yeah.

But she seems to have left.

Yeah.

My cock went back inside my body.

There was at no point was I scared of any of that.

I was like, really?

Nah, you, Christopher, shit himself.

One, it was too early in the morning, he did a coffee, so

it's not too much sun to be a little bit more than a bit.

It's only a cup to me now, but she could have been this.

Takes a shapeshifter, no shapeshifter, if you ask me.

Anyway, that's been the first half of the show.

We're going to take a wee break and then come back with

the guest and the fantastic mailbag.

But thank you so much.

Getting me your mailbags, thank you.

How are you doing?

This is Pruduiter Andy.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susan McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Just some stuff to update you on.

Frankie Boyle's new book, A Short History of the Apocalypse, is out now.

And you can see both Susan McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd on tour doing their own shows.

Don't forget to get your tickets for Here Comes the Guillotine Live, Glasgow and Edinburgh.

For more information, head to at GuillotinePod on Instagram.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.