The Mailbag: Lessons on the Guillotine

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

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This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

How are you doing?

This is a brand new bonus series of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd, the mailbag.

If you have a problem, dilemma, or issue, email hctg at global.com.

Frankie, Susie, and Christopher will do their best to fix you.

We have got our live shows coming up.

We have got Glasgow.

We have got Edinburgh.

That's in the order that we regret booking them.

Yes.

Yes.

The tickets are available on Ticketmaster for Here Comes the Galaxy Live.

Come down, have a laugh.

It'll be great.

The Glasgow

Clyde Auditor.

There will be guests.

Well, there are sofas for us.

There will be questions.

There will be a spelling bee.

A baptism.

There'll be all kinds of stuff.

Yeah.

You know, roll up, roll up.

Yeah, assault course.

Reconstruction of the Bible John murders.

Reconstruction of trying to kill Thatcher.

I increasingly struggle with the roll-up, roll-up part of this business, and I'm now a bit like...

Come on, don't come, you fucking guns.

No, don't listen to Frankie.

Right?

I would say, if you don't want to come, don't.

If you do, please do.

Oh, fucking listen.

And Frankie says, relax, right?

And on that note,

and for you there, Frankie.

Hello, here comes the guillotine.

Do you have any advice for dating in your 50s?

Or is there any point?

Where do people meet?

What's a good question to weed out the creeps?

Love the podcast when Susie's there.

Yes.

Just because I don't know what the hell Frankie and Christopher are going to.

Why don't you read the similarity and reason came on the Lord of the Rings, Wikipedia?

Hey, Reason, you're still dating in your 50s then.

Hey, Shannon.

Why don't you watch The Rings of Power on Amazon?

Is that what it sounds?

Shannon.

Why don't you watch The Rings of Power on Amazon, Shannon?

Yeah.

And then maybe you would understand those episodes.

Shannon.

And then maybe you'd meet some nice token-esque Terry Pratchett fan in a pub, have a real ale night on the tiles.

And then,

you know, maybe that's how you get into the dating scene.

Sorry, Shannon.

I'm just angry.

Shannon, don't fucking rise to him.

Those episodes, obviously, it's better when Susie's Susie's here.

But

it's fine when we just talk about other things for it.

I would say if you want to date in your 50s, the first thing is don't become like low to mid-level successful as a panel show comedian.

And then you can use the apps without your fucking profile getting toughed up by the fucking Daily Record or something like that.

Brilliant.

Have you ever heard that?

No, I can't do the apps because it would just be look at this fucking apps.

Look at this.

You just just sitting there with your fucking big muck, like grow the beard to a ridiculous level.

Would you not say that?

As every man of a certain age does on these apps, a borrowed dog.

You're feeding a big slice of pizza.

I know you're a dog.

Would you like to be the dog?

You could be this dog.

You could easily be this dog that would feed pieces.

It's tough, you know.

Would you not?

It's tough in your 40s, but I mean, in your 50s, it's pretty much a spacewalk.

What's the difference between your 40s and your 50s?

Hope.

You know, I think there's still hope.

You know, I don't know.

I've sort of tried to date women in their 40s,

but I think,

in my view, hot women in their 40s, and this is a real fucking sub-tweet here.

Here we go.

Hot women in their 40s.

I'm fucking 45.

I'm just poised to see what he's going to say here.

Are attracted to younger men.

You think so?

No, I'm talking about the heterosexual world here.

I don't know how it goes for gay folks.

Well, I think that is because now I don't know, I'm not talking on behalf of heterosexual women, but what I have found

is that on talking to a lot of my friends, that once they kind of level out perimenopause, menopause, or HRT,

horny as fuck.

Once they've kind of got to the doctors and got it treated and it's levelled out,

because before that, you're it's just like gonna just fucking leave me alone.

But after that, it's like

and they need a younger guy, they need a younger guy because they need him to be to be virile.

I'll fucking treat them.

I've got a fucking treatment for them here.

You back in the wind.

What a promise, lassies.

So I think there is things of power with Tina a completely different meaning.

I think once it gets to a

level where they've sorted out the hormone levels, and a I'm peri- or menopausal woman.

We're just fucking horn dogs again.

So, I don't know enough about the perimet woman.

About women, I don't know about women.

I don't know enough about the history of Ireland.

I don't know enough about the Russian Revolution.

I don't know about perimenopausal women.

When does it?

What is the age range?

For perimenopause and menopause.

It depends, I depends on the women.

If a girl had started her period early, like kind of just pre-kind of pubescent, like you know, 10-11,

chances are she'll get a menopause early.

Alright, okay.

So it's like a second puberty.

Worse.

Terrible.

It's like a second puberty where you fucking want to stab everybody.

That sounds like puberty, I can mean

a lot of metallica.

Fucking terrible.

Yeah, so it can vary between like 38, I think it's earliest, but the NHS and the doctors don't consider it until you're like 45.

So, I remember going to the doctor last year, and I was like, I think I might be perimenopausal.

They were like,

you know, do you have flushes?

Yes.

Are you, you know, all these different questions?

I was like, every fucking box I ticked.

And they went,

thing is, now this is like November.

They went, you're only 44.

You're not 45 to January, so we don't think you are.

And you're like, fuck off.

Are you fucking joking?

Like, literally, they asked me, say, 15 questions, and I was like, 14 out of 15 was a yes answer that would indicate that I was that.

And they were like, yeah, we can't start you until you're 45.

You're like, so I need to wait fucking 8 to 12 weeks.

It's the bureaucracy of stuff like that.

It's mental.

I remember when I was a teenager, I was like suicidal and I went to like my school nurse or something like that.

And they went,

I was my GP and they went, are you still at school?

I'm like, yeah.

And it's like, well, cause you're still at school.

You need to go to your pastoral care teacher.

You can't really go through us.

I was like, I do fucking like

charity panel shows at like show and tell day with my pastoral care teacher.

Don't I tell them why I end it, you know?

It's just weird.

Doing any kind of panel shows, excuse me,

suicidal.

The weird bureaucracy of medicine in this country is kind of strange, like that, sometimes, isn't it?

But yeah, like you can go in there as a guy and say, Mm, fucking get a bee bit of erectailed dysfunction and they're like no, they'll fucking rattle that out for you.

I know somebody who works in a sex shop just now and they are talking a lot about how like a lot of guys are coming in going like I need what do these herbs work, these Brazilian herbs and they've had to go to boots and go how do people get Viagra?

And now they just say in their shop they're not supposed to but they just say in their shop they go yeah just go to boots because you can get the real hang easy for free with like barely any questions.

Yes.

Don't go into a sex shop and buy fucking herbs, rhinoceros, beetles, hollow on the ground up or something.

Do you know what I mean?

It's mad, isn't it?

But it's so easy to get stuff if you're again.

Society's just built to despise women.

Even if you just think about like basic fucking sanitary protection, you know what I mean?

Like you like, you could just saunter on in and get what you need and walk out.

And obviously it's free prescriptions in Scotland, you know, whereas you know, we're down there, fucking

you imagine being like a lone parent with three teenage daughters.

That's a lot of money a month do you know what i mean that is a lot of money for something that can't it's something that's essential but it doesn't provide food and it doesn't provide heat but what the scottish government did do was that in all schools and all public buildings was free

sanitary protection to be given out and a lot of businesses took that on as well and one of the girls who was involved in that, Victoria, she was really involved in the campaign against period poverty and really kind of took that forward up to the parliament and made it happen.

So,

fair play to the government for just being decent.

Where do people meet?

Where do you meet people?

I'm the last fucker you should ask.

I've not met anyone.

If I spoke to you guys yesterday, I hadn't spoken to an adult for a month.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Well, you know, apart from grassy ass for some good ass brothers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

I think there's also that thing if you're a woman nowadays in your late 40s, 50, and that kind of thing.

Your generation of guys,

that wasn't a great generation.

Nah.

So I've got another story about this.

Two of my friends met up with

a few former teachers and some teachers, a cursed phrase.

Some male

former male pupils, and one of the male pupils, or one of the guys who went to school with, was basically like, I'm steaming, what one of you two are going to sort me out.

And you're like, right, see in 1996, that might have been funny.

See the fact that you're a fucking father, you have a career, you are married, and you're just fucking thinking, like, with his former school teacher, with his school friends.

Okay, Friends Reunited.

Friends Reunited number.

But you're just like, what the fuck is

that entitlement, man, fuck off.

Terrible.

Terrible generation.

I've never been able to meet up with people from school.

See, my generation, it was like,

unless someone turned up in the local paper, you didn't know what had happened to them.

You're like, fucking hell, that guy crashed his car.

You know?

And then Friends Reunited comes along and that's where it all starts.

That's where all that it all starts.

I almost think the thing about like Facebook and Instagram and things these days is that you don't even get a chance to not know about somebody's news.

Like you just get a ding every time like anybody has any life event.

The algorithm slowed that down a wee bit, but for a while it was like you would meet up with somebody and you didn't have any questions for them because they told you everything.

Here's another thing.

This is just a wee bit of advice that I think is a good bit of advice.

If you've got a fucking significant ex in your life or whatever, don't fucking look at any of their stuff.

I've had two friends say this to me oh i'm fucking tortured because i go and i look back at the thing and i can see the new partners

never

ever look never do you know what i mean don't fucking follow them on instagram don't look at their fucking pictures mute it get it to fuck absolutely do not let's torture get it yeah

think about the presence of mind that someone would have if they say abandoned their family 50 years ago and moved to a different town you would never see them again

unless they came and found you you with a knife you know i'm sometimes shocked like when people talk to me about relationships and stuff how

little

compassion people have for themselves yeah you know this guy's telling me oh like hey i've always i've always still been in love with uh she's married now blah blah blah looking like have some fucking compassion for yourself yeah do you know what i mean if you were in my position what would you be saying

hell stop doing this treat yourself like a friend you're killing yourself yeah i i i i think that's really and it's really difficult to get through that especially if you kind of don't particularly like yourself or if you've got abandonment issues or your attachment styles, a certain thing.

That's a really difficult thing to try and get through.

But once you break through that, it's alright.

Do you know what I mean?

It's fine.

It's always going to be fine.

But yeah, don't be looking at fuck up, mute them on social media.

What are you up to?

Not what you're up to, just

a hair like these days.

You know, sometimes your

memories come up and it'll be like oh your memories man.

Fucking hell.

My phone shows me kaleidoscopic slideshows of people that are no longer in my life.

And I'm like, why have you done this to me, man?

My phone's like, remember this holiday?

Yes.

It haunts me.

Fucking grim.

It's grim.

It's crazy.

But now my phone, now I don't know about you, but I had a breakup last year.

And

like my phone, I said, I don't want to see...

A picture came up up, and I clicked, I don't want to see that

picture anymore.

And he went, Do you want to not see this person anymore?

And I went, Yes.

And it just went through

literally, I think I've got 25,000 pictures on the cloud, and it just went through all of them and you don't see them anymore.

Correct.

But they're still there.

Shout out to Mark Zuckerberg, the techno-fascist creep.

He's got some good ideas.

But they're still there.

If you want to see them.

If you go there.

If you

really want.

I mean, I've got fucking nah.

It's just sometimes I think you've just got to go muted.

I don't want to know what you're up to.

I don't care what you're up to.

Well, actually, I do, but for my own fucking peace of mind and my own heart and my own head, just fucking you do you.

Sometimes.

She needs to have a fucking stalin button.

Do you know what I mean?

Stalin?

Just styling this fucker out of every picture.

Yeah.

That'd be amazing.

It's like me on top of a mountain with my arm around.

Maybe Stalin.

Me Joseph Stalin.

Marrying your ex's dad.

It would be good if you could click a button and it would just use AI to like replace that person's face with a new armor?

Yeah.

Or like a celebrity.

You know, you could just say.

That was when I was when I was at that wedding with Eamon Holmes, for instance.

That was the good one of photographs I took with none other than Eamon Holmes.

It's tough, man, innit?

It's tough.

It's tough.

But if somebody would be loving, What's a good question to weed out the creeps?

How much time do you spend on Facebook?

Yeah, looking at you.

If it's more than 20 minutes, you're fucked.

And you know what?

You don't need a fucking question.

The great thing about creeps is...

Stretch a gut.

They'll fucking start waving that red flag around pretty sharply.

You just gotta kind of listen.

You know, you don't need a question.

Creeps talk.

Yeah.

Isn't it funny when we sometimes, when we're out with the studio, and we talk about the well-known creeps in our industry who have been ratted out, all the little red flags they used to see, like, oh, just she was just saying stupid women stuff, and you're like, oh, isn't that interesting?

Aye, I think we should.

I'm going to finish on this because this is actually a really

there's not a question here.

Is that the one with the picture?

Aye.

Okay.

I think it's alright.

Hello, everybody.

Speaking of guillotines, did you know the last man to be executed by guillotine in France was put to death in September?

Do you know the year, Frank?

1970.

1977.

Wow.

Four months after the premiere of Star Wars.

Which is a bit mental.

I knew it was pretty late.

Glad Susie's back and forth and on the mend.

Almost all praise redacted, except that I do love all four of you.

Yes, you two, producer Andy.

That comes from Fino.

That's nice.

Which I believe is a type of

pastry.

Is it?

I thought it was a Portuguese side.

Yeah, you get it in Nando's, you get the Fino.

Ah,

yeah.

He's a kind of, he's someone who's like

he's a bowl of matcho paste the kind of life.

I think he's having an affair with Nando's cashier.

Well, no, he's like the he's like the side.

Oh, he's like the garlic bread.

He's like the fucking spicy rice.

Spicy rice.

Fino?

The dusty chips.

Dusty chips is my name.

Dusty chip.

A fair name.

Dusty chip.

I should be your drag name.

Dusty chips.

I should be your drag name.

100%.

Medium-spiced.

Dusty chips.

Mango on her.

Medum.

I would say, yeah, that's cool, isn't it?

The Ramones are older than Black Sabbath.

Had put out about six or seven albums by the time the guillotine was banned.

That's exciting.

Do you want to know a a bit about the French death penalty?

Let's hear it.

You weren't told the day you were going to be executed.

That was part of the punishment.

Every day could be your last.

Weeked out.

How's that appeal going?

Can Die Hem will tell you?

Yep.

Fucking hell.

But that's also a great way to live in the moment.

Live every second, like it's your last.

It's like a really healthy, present mindset, isn't it?

So Belfast, there's a jail you can go around where they had a death row.

I don't know, but it's like

the room you're in, if you're next up on death row, there's a little slidey thing in it and it moves into the death chamber.

So you didn't know that you'd been there the whole time.

Sleep blank, you blank.

And they just come in and they swivel the room around and

you're in there.

I like that.

Speaking of Northern Irish jails, is Long Cash still there?

No.

No, they took it down.

Well, it's been a great.

And on that note.

It's been a great episode.

Here comes the mailbag.

Not what else you could use it for, really?

Cunts quad mic?

Soft plate.

Against a giant soft plate.

You could get the hoses out and you could have a kind of fire engine experience or something.

Just suck it, honestly.

The porridge hoses.

So it was mailbag done.

Delway, that's another episode in the bag.

That was quite a long mailbag.

Both of them were quite a long mail.

That was like a 10-second episode.

That was good, though.

That was lovely.

Fairly well.

Fairly well.

Good evening.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine Mailbag with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

If you have a problem, dilemma, or issue that you think Frankie, Susie, and Christopher can fix, email hctg at global.com.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

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