The Sausage Supper

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

We made Nicola Sturgeon's book.

It's been great, but fuck sake, it's like a book that every woman should read.

It's like a fucking training manual for life.

It's like, so here's your imposter syndrome that you're going to suffer from.

Here's your class system that you're going to suffer from.

Here's the level of misogyny that you can expect.

Here's the level of fucking sexism.

Here's some mild homophobia that you may also experience, regardless if you're homosexual or not.

Fucking

wild stuff.

Wild.

Like I would say the first eight chapters, I was just like,

fuck sake.

But the absolute fucking misogyny and like campaigning and elections.

Like long before, she was an MSP and going to this guy's house in Govern, and he just fucking put his Doberman on her.

So she described the guy.

Governs a tough sell for independence.

But here was the description.

As I chapped this door, basically, a large man with lots of tattoos on his neck answered the door, and he's Doberman kind of came at me, and then he eventually called on me heel, kind of thing.

And I was just like,

I think we all know what you're saying here.

I think we know exactly what type of person has done that.

Absolutely fucking bonkers.

And then

the stuff, the sexism from the fucking MSPs, like when the parliament first opened and all that, and just it's just fucking brutal.

And then she talks about the she talks about Lockerbie as well, so she kind of takes you back to her being in the house and watching Lockerbie at the time.

And then fast forwarding to Kenny McCaskill letting your man go.

And she'd like phones, so she was literally like, I was in bed watching Newsnight, and Newsnight Scotland came on.

It was like, we have an exclusive that Abu Al McGrahy will be released by the Scottish Government.

And she was like, what?

So she phones

Salmond, and he was a bit kind of like,

Ah, you know, Kenny's got his own remit.

And she's like, What?

Like, you're the fucking first minister.

There is no way you're releasing the Lockerbie bomber without Kenny McCaskill discussing it with you.

And then it turned out that he had been having meetings with Jack Straw and Tony Blair's government and dealing with the US officials.

And he made the decision to release it.

And it was like, you've not even fucking discussed it with the cabinet of your own government that are elected.

No, no, no, no, no.

And I was like, fuck

this

bullshit.

This is just it's wild.

Followed me on Instagram.

Sturgeon.

Huh?

Huge, huge year for me.

Huge, huge fan of the CMB.

Followed me on Instagram.

And then I think one of my favourite indie rock bands, Martha, came to see me at the fringe.

So it's been really good for me.

Wow.

Anthony Sismirek, the Mancunian post-punk spoken word artist, also followed me.

And he came to see me at the French.

So between that and Sturgeon, it's been great.

I have any idea who comes to see me at the French.

How do you know this stuff?

They text me and they go, can I get in for free?

And I go, aye, alright.

Ah, alright.

Okay.

For fuck's sake.

I don't think Al-Megrahi did it.

I read the Private Eye Report years ago.

And it was probably Iran.

It was probably this Iranian.

And it was in revenge for the Americans shooting down that Iranian Airbus.

But by the time it all came up, it was easier to blame Libya for geopolitical reasons or whatever.

But I can't remember the ins and outs of the case, but it seemed unlikely.

He was, what was that called?

A patsy.

Yeah, but I don't know that he was actually a Patsy.

Like in the Apatsy, someone you deliberately set up.

I think this was something they kind of post-rationalised.

But weirdly.

Lee Harvey Oswald.

There's a fucking Patsy.

We are starting the campaign to have Omegrahi recognised as the Lee leader of your sport of Scotch history.

I was talking to these two women in London one time.

My pal was living on this estate in London.

I stayed with him for a bit and I'd read the whole private eye investigation into Lockerbie.

I said to them, you know, they're talking about this.

And I was like, well, you know, that, you know, Omegra probably didn't do it.

And some of the evidence is blah, blah, blah.

You know, I talked them through.

I would have known more of the detail at the time.

And they were both like fucking outraged.

And like, I was like, Fuck, what's going on here?

You know, halfway through, you're talking, you're like, Fuck, oh, there's a temperature shift in the room, and one of their friends had been on the plane.

Oh, and this was the first they'd heard of it.

Because even if you're in friends and family, you just think, oh, the government's done the job.

And there was a court case, there was an inquiry.

I would never, ever think the government's done the fucking job

on any level.

I know what you mean, exactly.

But most people

aren't hip to that jive.

I know, but isn't it like I grew up, you'll be too young, Christopher, and I don't mean that, but I remember 32 years old.

Let's see if you remember.

I'm not a good adult man who lives with a series of mice and flies.

Yes.

No, it's because we're old though, man.

It's kind of like the way Frodo is fucking 90.

I mean, you're still a boy.

You're just a boy.

You're still Frodo.

Just a boy.

But I mean, like, when you look at things like the Birmingham Six and stuff like that, I think I just grew up thinking, oh, don't trust the fucking government.

I said, Don't trust the media.

Don't trust the media, don't trust the government.

I remember someone, like, going to UNA and someone going to me something about some news story,

and I said, I don't think that's true, whatever it was.

And they went, But it says here in the article, A source said

And I'm like, Right, so you don't even know that a source said means

the journalist made it up.

The sources are protected.

You can pretty much say what you want if you say a source close to Stormze

said that he's fucking getting married to Nicholas Durgens.

Yeah, you know,

you can just do what the fuck you like.

And you know what?

My parents are not, or they were not overly politicized, or you know, they were just your standard Scottish West of Scotland working class daily record reading kind of folk, right?

But I'm, I just grew up with a complete distrust of the media, and I think it's because at a time you've seen so many kind of injustices through the British court system that you just think,

how can you always get it wrong?

Or maybe you don't always get it wrong, maybe you just find somebody to blame.

And I've just never, I've just never trusted it, just never fucking trusted the system.

It's hard to come from an Irish background and just trust the British media at all.

And it's sort of weird when people do it.

See, when you get older and then you start to

understand

the

relationship between Britain and Ireland, like from Cromwell out,

it is impossible at any point, I think, to feel patriotic when you look at what Britain's done throughout, you know, four or five hundred years as the Union and then England before that.

I find it abhorrent.

Like, I actually said the other day, see, if I wasn't British,

I would genuinely fucking never come to this country because I would hate it.

Because historically, we are a shower of bastards.

I would come to bomb it.

I would come on a fucking boat

stolen airliner.

No, you wouldn't.

We know you wouldn't.

No, I hate flying.

You might hijack a boat.

You would hijack the stenor line.

Think it is common day with a ferry.

Done £200 worth of damage at Can Ryan.

But I would, I would just be like,

fuck's sake, they're a bit of a fuck up you can understand why other countries hate us

it all comes from like in the time of Queen Elizabeth that

some dudes who were essentially pirates so if you

before somebody gets fucking up miracle about it but they were basically privateers were what we call pirates who worked for us kind of thing so some privateers if you can go on that who eventually sort of become the East India Company I think but they um hijack a whole load of like nutmeg or something that's coming from Indonesia.

And they'd asked Queen Elizabeth to invest in their next voyage, which makes a pretty fucking packet.

And she manages to pay off all her debts and have some left over.

And they're like, wait a minute, this whole taking stuff from other people thing.

And that's kind of the start of

the British Imperial Age.

of some guys just hijack like Cecil Rhodes.

Some nutmeg.

Yes, I was in Rhodes, what a prick.

I was in Amsterdam there.

They've really done a great job of like rebranding after South Africa and New Zealand and Australia.

They never really have ever really acknowledged South Africa to be fair.

So there's not really a rebrand going on there.

It's a bit like Belgium and the Congo.

It's like Belgium are like the word.

Never heard it.

And you're like, yeah!

Yeah, exactly.

And it's like now, I mean,

it just shows you what could be possible for Glasgow if we could become a kind of Amsterdam, you know, if we could legalise some stuff.

Oh, that's what Glasgow needs to legalise stuff.

It's kind of turn things around and become a bit of a

potentially beautiful city.

You think we need more people on drugs?

Yes.

I genuinely don't think that'll ever happen in my lifetime in this country.

You think a Scottish independent, an independent Scotland is more likely than an independent hash?

I.

Wow.

I,

because I think ultimately, English nationalism will probably bring about Scottish independence if it keeps going at the rate it's going at.

But I don't think Scotland as an entity or Britain as an island can possibly legalise drugs because we're so fucking uptight and such a wee pimple in the arse of Europe that's too up its own arse to even consider that legalising some drugs drugs may be a sensible move.

Do you remember when Jon Snow smoked skunk and then got in an MRI

and he was like, I had a bad time?

It's like, yeah, you should have been on a couch, man.

You should have been like watching a documentary about octopuses.

You should have been fucking inside a giant warrant steel magnetic coffin, you freak.

A box set of 30 rock.

That would have been great.

Yeah.

I like Baldwin's witticisms rather than fucking...

I put him

went in one of those the first time I went in one they went oh we can put on music for you and I went oh what do you have now all sorts rock pop country

oh country then I guess and they put on the album stars by simply read that which is

not country music

and it was really fucking really fucking difficult is that the one with fairground or

I don't know how we got that far one of my pals got a lap dance to the song fairgrounds by simply red he said it was one of the saddest experiences of his life.

That sounds really sad.

A lap dance to Simply Red.

And I've heard the sound of coming home to you.

Is that that one?

Even if I know who I can't believe it.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know what's going on.

I feel as if I'm listening to the Live Floor Show.

No, the Live Floor Show, Take the Floor on BBC Scotland.

Is that them, eh?

Simply Red?

We've no idea of identifying that.

I love the sound of coming home to you.

I love the sound of coming home to you.

Even if I know who it can't believe you,

you wanna have a go, Susie?

Sing that.

No.

My mum had a simply red t-shirt growing up, and I always find that quite a harrowing detail in my life.

I thought your mum was a neuromantic.

My mum and my dad, there've been many

kind of desclercing in the ability to shape-shift between the different my dad's been a biker, my dad's been a mod, my dad's been a I remember slagging neuromantics in this podcast.

great umbrage.

They were Neuromantics, but they moved with the times.

They Simply Red?

Yes.

Glory hunters.

Fuck's sake.

They were fair weather neuromantics.

Talking hell.

Jesus.

They liked Sparks and they liked Japan, but then when Simply Red came around, they were more than willing to hitch their wagon.

I don't like my dad.

My dad likes Ramstein.

My mum likes Simply Red.

If you know what I'm saying.

Speaking of Des Clark,

just before we came on, we were discussing whether Des at an award show might offer the service of an in-memorium section where he became all the people who had died during the year from your industry.

Yeah.

And that this year, perhaps Scottish Baftus or something might become Hulk Hogan.

Why would Hulk Hogan be the Scottish Baft?

We need to honour Hulk Hogan's contribution to Scottish culture.

Ozzy Osborne, my uncle, your grand.

Yeah, many deaths.

Many deaths this year.

Can we rank them?

Rank them?

In order of sadness?

I would say

my gran.

I'm going to chop.

My uncle is very old, but a lovely guy.

I'm going to chomp the two.

He's with my da.

Yeah.

My dad.

My da.

And then where's Hulk Hogan?

Fourth.

Distant fourth.

I didn't know Christopher's Grant or your uncle, but I like old people.

They make me laugh.

And they've always got some kind of tale, some parable to tell you about life.

So, what age was your uncle?

91.

What age was your grand?

The number escapes me, but I believe she was in her 70s or 80s.

Right, so I think it's got to be Frankie's uncle, then your dan.

No, my dad's number one.

Oh, okay.

You said you liked old people?

I will know as much, right?

He's kind of born of him, do you know?

R.I.P.

Big Guy Little.

He might have been there.

Sadly, if you're not familiar with the lore of the Scottish comedy circuit, Gary, Big Gary Little,

incredible headliner

has passed away.

When I started, when you were,

you were only two years ahead of me, I think.

So, I think when I started, when you started, he was the fucking

big dog on campus.

Big Gary Little is like a kind of name from a fucking fairy story, isn't it?

It's like a mythic quality to it.

Tom Thumb's big cousin.

Yeah.

Big Gary Little.

He's a great comic.

Yeah.

I was in Amsterdam, unfortunately, was not able to make it.

You were in Ireland.

I didn't.

Yeah, I was in Ireland.

There's going to be a charity gig for him, but it's actually the night that I'm gigging.

Where is it?

The same night that you're gigging.

Fuck.

Yes, it was at the stand, but I was to ask you if you were available, so you can let me know.

When she ever check your calendar,

I got asked to write the mitigation statement for Gary's last trial.

The last time he was down.

He um

it's like so if you get done, found guilty, you um offer mitigation and like part of that might be hey, you know, since I came out of jail the last time, I've got a career as a comedian now, which is no small thing and you know, he's heading towards some kind of success and certainly, you know,

was a great comic.

Really good.

And so if you get someone to write you a reference for that, the judge might look more leniently on how long he's going to put you away for.

So guys, I said to me, Can you write this stamps?

I write this thing of Gary.

What creative futures got in comedy and all that stuff?

I'm kidding.

I said, I guess we'll find out if the judge is a Frankie Boyle fan.

And then the next I heard from him was he texted me, 20 months.

Did you get 20 months?

20 months, yeah.

More of a Susan Kalman fan, the judge.

There you go.

Fuck the judge, yeah.

Is this why Big Gary

was out in the hills all the time?

Because he'd been cooped up

in a fucking jail.

I remember being in Australia and the promoter that we were out with had been like,

Big Gary's a bit down and blah blah blah.

And I'd actually came back and I went, just go and take him up a hill.

I said, he just needs to get out of the city and just go up a hill and that's and leave him alone, let him do it on his own.

I think it was that thing.

I think he just found a sense of achievement and a bit of solace in it.

And I think he just cleared his head.

I think it does anybody at the world of good getting out to the hills.

Totally.

Totally.

But I rest in the middle of the day.

Put you in a documentary there.

The three of us struggle up Scotland's smallest fucking hills.

Aye.

Tinto Hill.

I've got a fucking nebuliser and an oxygen tank.

I can see us three on the Isle of Sky, the old man of store,

and we can pay like

carriers, yeah, yeah, on like big chairs.

Nice.

What are they called when a king comes in sedan chair with sticks?

Yeah, we should get a sedan chair and be lifted by what about a sedan sofa so that we're all on that same seat together.

That would be class.

I would love that.

I mean, honestly.

I'm I've got a meeting.

I can't know if I've like talked about this.

I've got a meeting to talk to a chef about doing a

Asian food docuseries where I get taken about Scotland and me and this chef and I try all these different types of Asian food and I can I really

contain yourself well I can I can I could but also can I really no tell them here

I've I can eat most things that I throw up with quite a restricted palate so I don't think what they want on BBC Scotland is me eating an octopus ball and then immediately whiting

in a fucking bucket

see before

i'd fucking watch this program

honestly we'd be round at yours popcorn crisps just like let's see him fucking whitey yeah but yeah i mean i think gary was like fucking

i think he was an amazing comedian we went to done the inaugural millport comedy festival with him that was cool good guy yeah

Good guy.

Meant a lot to be

who was it for you that it meant a lot to get booked by them when you were starting out do anybody like that no they're all cunts

and many still are

me and gary done an advert for tenants that never really went anywhere where he got me this it meant a lot that i got asked to do it because i thought he was you know he was he was the best at in in scotland i thought at the time i thought it was incredible comedian

and like uh

he got us this job that he wrote where it was like he was a guy called the fryer.

Yeah.

And we were gonna deep fry a phone.

We're gonna deep fry a Samsung Galaxy 60 or something.

And it was gonna be if you deep fry the phone would at work.

And we went to do you know that building in Tradestone that's like

when you're walking into town

and then on your left hand side there's like a motorway and then there's a horrible big warehouse.

Went up to this warehouse in Tradestone

and there was like pigeon skulls and shit everywhere because like nobody used it and they got this deep fryer from do you know the chippy

they they were the first people to do the square sausage supper the deep fried square sausage I know where you mean yeah yeah they got their fryer we got there and we fucking deep fried this phone it still worked afterwards

I don't know what the connection is with tenants

just Scottishness in it

you cannie like sell booze can you you cannot go it's great being drunk because it's illegal so you need to be like what does this symbolize It symbolizes Scottishness, and then that's how you settle booze into it.

Because you can't actually say this will make you forget that your family don't love you, or whatever.

So, you have to kind of go.

There's this drink that's that will make you that you'll enjoy the branding of.

Fair.

One time, I was with a big guy, one of the first times I met him, a wee guy tried to run up and hug him, shouting peace and love.

We guy was an accident or something,

and this guy said afterwards, peace and love, nearly got a fucking boot in the boss.

Yeah,

he was a he was a complicated guy.

But

equally,

I remember

doing the fringe, and

within a week, my mum had been diagnosed.

Like, my mum was quite ill.

And then my baby Doug died, and I came in, and Gary was just like, gave me this big, massive hug, and he was just like, you're right, pal.

And he, like, he was a bit of a teddy bear sometimes, do you know what I mean?

But he was also one of the grumpiest, moaniest fuckers.

See, when there was a raffle at a charity gig man

or I'm not doing it.

I'm not gonna

own before the raffle.

I'm not get the rafflety fuck.

Get the raffle.

I don't care how much I don't care if it's for Sykwain's fucking get the rafflety fuck.

Can I say as another mony fucker?

I agree.

Do the fucking raffle at the end, right?

It's a bit of an anti-climax.

Yes.

That's why I don't want to go in after it.

It doesn't make any sense to do the raffle before the comedian.

those days are over.

I don't think I've done a raffle gig in a while.

That's a good sign.

I mean, just not done a charity gig in a while.

Fucking sick bastards.

They do charity gigs all the time, I don't know.

Yeah, for the charity of CMB.

Ah, that's what that means, yeah.

Fucking the charity of this fruit fly, fucking Joseph Mengley.

Angela dead.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

But yeah, Hulk Hogan's dead.

Do you think if Dez Clark took on the shape of Hulk Hogan, he would have Hulk Hogan's strength?

Yes.

Or do his stats stay the same?

No,

I think you morph in and you get their strength.

What is it with Beast Boy and the Teen Titans?

Do you know him?

The green man from the Teen Titans?

No.

He can turn into any animal, but I think he gets their strength.

I don't know he's a rhino and he's still a weak guy.

Strength, that'd be pointless.

But Dez would be good in the sedan chair that's what I'm saying, as Hulk Hogan.

Or as the chair.

Was Hulk Hogan not a bit of a prick?

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

Yes.

Alright, okay.

No, he was serious.

He...

He was a racist?

He was a racist.

Was he violent to women?

No, but he wasn't violent to women, but he had a weird thing with a radio host who was called Bubba the Love Sponge.

And he would shag Bubba's wife.

And Bubba would watch.

So that's not violent, but it is a little bit strange.

He was what's known in the cuckold community as a bull

is it a community?

Oh, of course.

Deep, deep bonds.

What else would he,

the wrestlers, the wrestlers tried to form a union.

Vince McMahon, WWF,

Jesse the Body Ventura, who would later become the governor of Minnesota, I believe.

He tried to unionize the wrestlers and Hulk Hogan went to Vince McMahon and rattied on him.

He is the ultimate scab.

Oh.

And there's not been a unionisation effort since then.

That was 45 years ago.

He wasn't a heel even.

He was a good guy.

He was a face.

This was in real life.

I know, but I'm saying.

What?

I'm saying

if you're a heel,

it's kind of more acceptable.

Because

he's just doing his thing.

This was,

he was the biggest good guy.

He had like a crucifix and he had,

you know, say your prayers and eat your vitamins.

It'd have been good to see some of those British wrestlers wrestle those guys, fucking big diebacks.

Oh, like aye, aye, aye.

Kendo Nagasaki versus Hulk Hogan.

I think Kendo Nagasaki would get his fucking spine snapping.

It's like Prince Nazim versus Mike Tyson.

It's like, yeah, you're the best here at your weight list, but I mean, you couldn't even fight a one-legged version of

a big boxer.

Not try to start a beef with Prince Nazim.

Who else died?

the Aussie?

Aussie Osborne, which I couldn't literally couldn't care less.

Really?

No.

You're not a big Aussie?

He did like one record that was okay.

Oh, he's many records.

Sharp.

Black Sabbath.

Yeah, exactly.

Paranoid by Black Sabbath.

Not exactly that one.

Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath by Black Sabbath, which I don't know how

did the Irish community feel about the

adoption of the Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

But I think they were too much up with metal.

Do you know?

Ever since since I've became interested in Irish republicanism, I've always wondered

what the people who were involved in Bloody Sunday, Bloody Sunday, Bloody Sunday thought about Black Sabbath kind of adopting the

who were involved in the song or who were involved in the actual incident?

People who were in the actual incident.

I wondered,

and you know, obviously Birmingham itself has a pretty complicated relationship with the IRA, so it's like, what was going on there?

Well, the British justice system banged up the wrong wrong people for that for a start.

Yeah.

That's quite complicated.

Really complicated.

But he was a pretty good guy, I think.

I think Sharon was

maybe

a demon.

You know, a kind of horrific demon.

What about Kelly and Jack?

You know.

Kind of fail children, but I think...

Yeah, I think Aussie was a good soul who was being manipulated like a puppet by uh shaza

she just didn't know what was going on because sometimes you're like that and there's like couples and there's one nice one and one kind of fucking business one and you're a bit like yeah you both it's good cop bad cop you both benefit from the badness yeah

do you know what i mean when there's a there's a somebody's like i just go well whatever she says that's fine with me

and then well you're still benefit it's like uh

israel and britain

and they're you still benefiting from the two Bradcock.

Yeah, that's not a good example.

But the good news is that Thatcher's still dead.

So.

Oh, that's great.

She's still dead.

I think Aussie's a kind of beautiful soul

because he was like a wee working class factory worker who was like in jail for fucking stealing pants or something.

Then next thing you know, his best friend chops his own fingers off by accident in the steel metal factory,

accidentally invents a new form of metal, a new form of music, and then he's a millionaire for the rest of his life.

Oh, Taylor's oldest tail.

It's beautiful.

It's almost like the song Grace.

It's fucking.

Who else is dead?

I'm not really fussed for him.

No, no.

Maybe it's because I don't like the music.

Ozzy's final gig for me was what Oasis was for you.

I just didn't get to go because I was too busy doing a weekend at the Glee Club in Leeds.

which was good.

Leeds in Birmingham's not that far.

No, no.

Well, I

one of the lassies who runs the Glee was going to planning on going back to Birmingham on a Saturday night.

I was like, you're better off getting a hotel here because

there's no point.

There's no point.

Do you take vitamins?

Do you take vitamins?

Yeah.

No, do you?

Been looking into vitamins.

Omega-3, a lot of shite.

Really?

Fish?

Yeah.

Fish colour.

You should eat oily fish and get omega-3, but don't take a supplement.

Fish oil, pointless.

Eat oily fish.

What does that mean actually mean?

My sweetheart.

Well, you might notice today I had some salmon sashimi.

Right.

You know, sashimi is a great source of your omega-3s.

But if I went to a chippy, yeah, we'll like a front.

Right?

No, there's no fish oil enough.

Fish.

Battered fish.

What do you ask if I get a special?

If I just say the omega-3s, it probably evaporates at the fucking high speeds they have to

use to fry the fecal matter out of the fucking product.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I'll tell you what I mean by that.

Do you know what's in a sausage supper?

Yes.

A type of sausage that contains fecal matter.

Right.

So it's under less strict standards because it's getting deep-fried because it's going to reach such a high temperature,

it'll get rid of the fecal.

What do you mean it has fecal matter in it?

Because they're not.

It's a type of meat that's so low-grade that you're allowed to have some shit in it.

What percent is it a high percent or is it a low percent?

I don't know.

Right.

We can google it.

We can google it.

Feel free to Google this new intelligence.

What percentage of shit is in my sausage?

I'm just thinking the amount of sausage suppers I've had.

I've basically had one big deep-fried shite.

As it went in a pizza box, yeah.

If 1% of a sausage supper is shite, I've had at least 100 sausage suppers, therefore I've had a shite supper.

Fucking hell.

And you've liked it.

And I've loved it.

And I've lived it.

Fucking hell.

So.

Quite exciting times for me and stuff I'm realising about myself.

My mum likes simply red and eye shite.

I've been eating a lot of pork soups that have uh pork's essentially poison.

I've been told that before that you that you shouldn't eat pork.

There went a big push to sell it in like the 60s or 70s or something in America because nobody ate pork because you know before the days of full-on corporate propaganda, there were just health reports coming out going, this gives people heart attacks.

And so they got a whole bunch of doctors signed up going, try different meat and have variety in your diet and all kinds of of any way to sell pork.

And then they have overproduction of pigs in America anyway.

So then they paid

burger places to put bacon on cheeseburgers.

Wow.

Because there was so much extra bacon, and they were just like, you know, it's hard to shift this stuff because it's essentially everybody knows it kills you.

Yeah.

Fucking vengeance.

Fuck sick.

I've had a lot of pork soups this year.

Tonkotsus and chashus and all this stuff.

Just having a fucking chicken soup.

You look at how long Japanese people live.

They eat a lot of pork over there.

Do they?

Yeah.

They're eating pork.

You know, when you get a chicken katsu here, it's very difficult to find a chicken katsu in Japan because they're all eating

pork.

Pork katsu?

Pork katsu, yeah.

Which is deep-fried.

I mean, maybe it's...

I don't think that...

That's their equivalent of a sausage supper, though.

Do you know what I mean?

I think.

Okay.

I don't think they're allowed to put human feces in their katsus.

What about lamb?

have you ever seen a lamb come on what the fuck

what do you mean

you can eat that

lamb you know i've bottle fed a couple of lambs in my time what a beautiful human it's not met for

and then

i wouldn't i wouldn't eat one no

yeah i mean they're beautiful wee guys but

when you're in the chaku

and uh it's a tally

it's the same semenu that says lamb buna or something.

Hard to resist.

It's what I would eat if I was a beautiful.

Fuck.

I'd be like, oh, this is a chance.

Young, young means.

Damage some beauty, take something out of the world.

Yeah, I suppose it is quite Epstein-esque.

We were discussing that letter.

Oh, yeah, Epstein got a letter to put out all the letters.

The one from Donald Trump has a woman's body, and Donald Trump's signature is the bush.

But I said, at least it has a bush.

Yeah, yeah.

In a way, that's

retro, yeah.

Well, in a way, it's you know, Trump's defense.

What age do you have?

But

are you asking because you want to know?

I can't even.

I'm 32, I'm still waiting.

Oh, son.

No, I've got pubes.

We know because you're a manscaper.

I'm a man scaper.

We're a weed whacker.

You've not got pubes, you're shaving them off.

That's a long time in the past.

Those days are over.

You've radicalised me.

Now I'm free-growing.

Rewilding?

I'm rewilding my body.

Just to check,

how's your pube position?

Because

you were appalled at this.

Have you shifted in any way?

The male grooming routine.

It stayed as a pubic meadow.

There he is.

Tobacco in the wind.

It's a beautiful thing.

I don't remember what age I got.

I think I wasn't of age yet.

I don't think it was like I turned 18.

Bang.

You know.

No, it starts earlier.

It starts at puberty.

Yes.

Well, I'm gonna google it, which is about, I don't know, 12 or 13.

Don't Google that, you're in all kinds of fucking trouble, Paul.

Oh, yeah, I took a picture of my face, didn't I?

To access porn between the ages of 8 and 13.

I don't think it's a field goal for the he's not a pedo, guys.

You know what I mean?

I'm surprised your childlike face allowed you to access porn.

I thought it would result in a ban.

Yeah, you'd think I'm quite uh cherubic.

But see in a dimly lit room with me, my fucking face tilted in like that.

All of a sudden, the years come

when you were taking this picture.

Did you have your hairy chest out?

I don't think so.

Because was that maybe a thing?

Maybe.

I don't think so.

But do you know, people have been tricking it?

People have been

putting on face filters, old man face filters, like children, and accessing porn.

I cannot believe that's how they can get right.

Getting a fucking pie pipe.

Cottonwood.

Talcum powder in the hair.

Oh, sorry, I'd love to look at some diddies.

It's like fucking still game.

We don't know that's not why still game happened.

Look forward.

We've got to access porn.

It's a long story, but we're going to have to make several series of a successful sitcom.

Jesus.

Fuck's sake.

We don't know.

Do they fuck and still give not each other, but do they fuck?

I think they've exploded each other's bodies.

But no, did they fucking bother?

One of them shagged Isa.

Where?

I think.

Fuck me.

And I think they had wives who died.

is the theme is the plot.

Is that right?

They've got wives and then the wives die and then they're widowed and they have each other and they have the community.

But I don't think they had girlfriends a few times, but it doesn't work out.

You know?

Did you go see the final still game show where they went to hell?

You went to the hydro and see off every characters.

No, but I do know of somebody.

I do know of somebody who went to a still game matinee and they'd went out for a cigarette and on the way back in they get searched and they found MDMA in their pocket pocket

and that person wasn't allowed back into the still game matinee at 5 p.m.

on a Saturday because they had MDMA in their pocket who the fuck is taking MDMA

I mean if joy if Joy isn't already brought to you by the antics of the Shield Inch pensioners that's River City Shield Inch

is it where are they from?

They've got the Klansmen's the pub which is a bit fucking wait let's just spend the rest of the podcast trying to remember what the name of the place and fucking

screaming at the fucking

that was a hang that fucking Gary Little done remember that

when he had a Japanese tourist living in his flat and the Japanese tourist was obsessed with still game he went to Glasgow to check out the same way that a cheers fan would visit Boston or a Suskind fan would visit Boston to see where he was getting up to all his hijinks.

And then Gary

only knew this guy as like an Airbnb host, but he was like, Oh, you want to meet the Still Game guy?

I could probably sort that out.

And he got this wee super fan to meet like Bobby the Barman, Gavin, and he got him to meet like you know, Sanjeev and stuff.

And

in their beautiful town of

C

Craig Lang.

Yes, Merc.

There it is!

Yes!

Fuck the spelling B, but they still get knowledge confirming the end.

Craig Lang, I believe, is where they're from.

Which is like what?

Langside plus Craig.

Big End.

Big End, yeah.

What was it in?

I was going to say what is it?

What is it in Burniston?

It's Bunniston.

Springburn and Baleson.

Have you ever had to come up with a fictional suburb of Glasgow?

I haven't, no.

No.

But I did have a bit of

how all the places were there were two things that weren't they meant to be together meant you were in a slum so like castle milk eastern house if it was two unconnected objects

the council or fucking punt you two you're you're in trouble aye yeah drum chapel

never heard yeah bar head aye

bars get connected to heads and bar head i bet they do yeah

Shahid Baldi had a bar connected to his head

and

bar bunny Yeah, yeah.

Shout out to Shahid Baldi.

One of our biggest listeners.

Shahid Baldi.

Jesus.

That would have been a good still game episode.

Blooming hell.

You see who's doing the class?

I'm a fucking Shahid Baldi.

Calm your jets right out.

Yeah, Ball Bag.

Have you ever been to Amsterdam?

I have.

You've never been?

No.

You're not interested?

A little interested, but you know,

if I'm going to be taking drugs, I want to be

not in a new city.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to be in a fucking hotel somewhere, becoming incredibly paranoid.

I don't know.

I think the hotel...

So the hotel had a little snack bar.

Not a snack bar, but like a little shop in the bottom and you could get passion fruit sodas you can get popcorn you can get little tub of cookies you can get all these different things and then you're down right back up did you go to every cafe

I went to a place called Boars Jungen

which means farm boys

and you go there and outside there's a gentleman in a bowl of hat and a suit and he says on you go you go inside everybody's wearing suits and you can buy a joint a pre-rolled joint you can buy hash you can buy wheat and you could buy edibles you know it's not allowed to you're not allowed to eat gummies in Amsterdam you have to put it in a cake if you're gonna make edibles why I can't remember you're just not allowed to do it it has to be a baked good

is this because it's quite like legal it's legal but it's like there's laws so uh yeah i didn't have any gummies.

So, they're for all kinds of hardcore drugs, but against

like

legalized prostitution.

All for the hardcore drugs, but there'll be no Haribo or gummy bears.

If you've got tank fastics in there, you're fucked.

You should put a butcher eating dry gums.

I don't think you should put Dutch drugs in that.

But yeah, oh, it was great.

If you're gonna be stoned lots of people in bikes,

it's like they've just tried tried to set up a slapstick fucking town.

It reminded me of that guy, CJ, from Egg Hits.

Oh yeah?

Remember him?

Dying.

Remember what I'm telling?

Did he say he'd pushed someone into a canal in Amsterdam and murdered them?

He wrote his autobiography and mentioned in it that he got in a bit of a fracas in Amsterdam, pushed a guy in a canal, murdered him, as you said.

Then people went, What?

And then they looked in and there was unexplained deaths.

And he was arrested

what he admitted to CJ Fegheads.

Can I just check something?

Let me go back to the Amsterdam story.

Were you wearing your suit?

The people who worked there were in the suit suits.

And were people just having like coffee and joints?

It just felt really civilized to be like, go to the pictures.

Oh, cool.

What we're going to do?

Just on the way.

CC Penis Town on the TV.

Just on the way home.

Just go, should we grab a wee bit of cake?

And it's just like, there's no reason why that, not to be a pure fucking,

you know, ganja head.

But there's no reason why people, especially if you're like, if you've got a chronic pain condition or something, then it just completely

sorts out.

It's like, it just seems insane that you're doing it.

So, these fucking travel shows, right?

And they go, Oh, we're in Amsterdam and there's bikes, and you can go in.

Like, nobody's fucking doing any of that stuff.

Like, can't you just report on what people actually do?

Oh, we're in Morocco, you can buy a carpet, we're no,

we're there for fucking heroin, yeah, you know.

I also, if you were going to go to Amsterdam and just look at the bikes and the buildings, would you not just go to Rotterdam?

Do you know what I mean?

It's like

but it's hash not legal there, aye, but you would it's not the kind of hub of it, though, is it?

Like Amsterdam's that.

We were pretty far out.

We were in like the outskirts of the city, so it was pretty quiet.

And we were staying in a kind of giant

Rubik's cube, basically.

It's great.

But yeah, I would like to go, but I'd like to go to the Hague, see what's going on.

That's not much going on, mate.

Once Camp Zeist was done, that was it, wasn't it?

The Hague's had its day.

I feel bad for the Hague.

Bring it back.

Bring back the Hague.

What do you mean?

Bring back getting war criminals into The Hague.

I think it's still going.

Fucking, yeah, but you know, it's like a fate, like, it's like ABBA.

Do you know what I mean?

Still going.

Hologram.

Yeah.

Aye.

It's Abba Voyage.

I don't even know if we have war criminals anymore.

Do we just say, oh, it's complicated?

That's what we say, isn't it?

I just feel bad for The Hague, because like, obviously, if you it's a bit like Lockerbay, where it's like you just hear that word and your brain just goes straight to the worst things that ever happened.

Do you know what I mean?

I bet there's loads of cool stuff there.

I'm just saying that's why I feel bad for The Hague, because I bet they have like a cool jazz scene or something.

But people just go straight to war criminals, torturers.

Also, you've got to market some of your services at those people, haven't you?

Yes.

I think war criminals, I mean, it just seems to be that the rest of the world seems to be viewing them like they were a very 20th century thing, as if they're no existence.

Wait, I'm fucking 10 years, fifteen years.

by the ankles and the head out?

Getting whipped.

There'll be a point where it all collapses and you can just run around supermarket sweeping your foes.

Do you know what I mean?

Crossbow, couple of people who didn't pay you for a gig in the late 90s.

Fuck you.

In between the eyes.

Katana.

Nice.

Maybe a smaller sword as well for close quarters.

Non-weapons crimes won't even be registered anymore.

You can if you can do it with your hands you can do what you like.

That'll be the first.

what about if you can just still be the poster.

If you can do it with your hands, you can do what we like.

Maybe uh grog on people you don't like poor

uh

poor cider vinegar

is unforgivable.

Wow, Louis Warren is like he's still at it, you can't like you're about 40 now, man.

You're still grogging on guns.

Do you remember like that used to be a thing where kind of international players in britain and they would be like what yeah i was and and i we were affronted we were like nah man you can do it and you want where's he from

uruguay

is that ofe in uruguay though is that like is that kosher

i mean it was a thing in europe wasn't it like european football i remember a teacher telling me one time that somebody grogged and near where they lived and he was really disgusted by it.

And the guy just explained, On my culture, it's alright to grog.

So maybe it is.

And Uruguay is

the same as shaking someone's hand to grog in their eyes or something.

I don't know enough about the culture to be able to speculate.

And yet,

here you are.

We just don't know.

If you're a Uruguayan listener, let us know what the grog seems like these these days bro bring back still game is a kind of thing in the elseworlds kind of thing so every week it's like a different thing kennedy survived or

um we got a hydrogen engine or something

it takes time on a different path yep what would you like to see happen in craig line

well are they it's first of all you have to ask are they aware of the different timelines or are they just different versions of themselves are they traveling doctor who style no different versions of themselves

what was that thing called where the guy time travels quantum leap?

Is it like that?

No,

it's more like you know, you get a Batman and it would be like Else Worlds and there'd be a fucking Victorian Batman.

But he doesn't know that he's not the normal Batman, he thinks that he's what you're saying.

So this would be still game.

You would have a fucking Napoleonic era kind of thing.

Like Black Adding.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Why not?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I'd like it.

The Highland clearances

could do all Scottish history.

No, that would be.

It would always be funny, you know.

You hate Highlanders, man.

I hate Highlanders.

So did the fucking people who ran the clans.

Jesus.

That's why they've stuck them all in the fucking British Army and mowed down.

Jesus.

Yep.

Not nice going up to the Highlands and then you find a weak croft ruins and they're like, this is where they fucking

burned them down.

And you're like, Jesus.

Seems more profitable to have sheep there.

Yeah.

You could say you could say that for most stuff, though.

Do you know what I mean?

Imagine watching Craig Lang get purged by fire and sword.

And then just filled with sheep.

The second half of the episode is just

sheep.

Sheep.

Just at the bottom of the high-rise flat.

Yeah, sheep.

Meh.

Meh.

Just for 25 minutes.

A long episode.

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't be against it.

Um

CC Penis Town, man.

What is CC Penis Town?

CC Peniston into

remember?

You remember finally CC Penniston from the 90s, the song and Christopher went

CC Penis Towns on.

If you're not in the studio with us right now, which no one is, probably quite confused.

Yeah, but

they have a TV screen in the corner of the room that shows all the songs that have been played, are playing, and will play.

What is their song?

CC Penis Ten.

That's the name of the song?

No, that's the name of the count that's playing.

Please tell me the name of this song.

Finally.

CC Penis Ten.

Finally.

Finally, it's happening to me right in front of my face.

And I just can't describe it.

Is that huh?

That's the one.

Sing me to Penis Ten.

That's an absolute...

Screaming, man.

That's a banger.

That must have been a huge.

It's like, honestly, I don't know if this is a hack opinion or something, right?

But

famous, successful people with

tragic names, and I'm including a friend, Nicholas Sturgeon.

Right, yes.

But if you're grown up with a name like Sturgeon, you're going to have to have something to you.

It gets through that childhood and it's going to.

It's going to take

a boycott Sue's theory of politics.

Scottish politics.

They've all got fucking weird names.

Even Baldy?

Shahid himself.

Ah, Baldi.

Nay pubes.

Next thing you know,

jail.

Jailed for his crimes.

Jesus.

But it makes sense.

You know, and I don't think, I think a CC penis penis didn't.

Have I said before in this, Neil Gayman?

Like to go through the English public school system, kneel gay man.

Yeah, kneeling gay man.

Not justifying anything, I'm just saying.

Justify anything.

What a wonderful disclaimer.

Not justifying anything.

Not offering it up as mitigation, just simply noticing.

Yeah, that's that's very unfortunate.

Your honour, he grew up with the name Neiling Gayman.

Fuck.

You know, and I think there's a lot of people, especially in politics, I think it I think it becomes a kinda uh

the urge for power comes from being slagged off as a wee guy for whatever your stupid name is.

Fair, you know.

It's fair.

I mean Salmond has the exact it's weird it's weird that they too had fish names.

Thematically sound, isn't it?

It's you know a light motif in Scottish politics.

People are named after fish and about the independence movement.

It's strange.

Nobody talks about him.

Jack McConnell, if you're familiar with the Scottish vernacular.

What does that mean?

Well, it just sounds like Jack McConnell.

Wow.

My friend Doby and my boby.

Jack.

Didn't his mistress wander into his official residence at the wrong night?

And they let her in the security because he knew her.

She's kind of wandering out of living room with his missus.

Yeah, it's really unsecurity, isn't it?

It was a very Scottish political moment.

Aye, aye.

Henry MacLeish

getting found to be renting an office.

And he never declared it or some shit.

Oh, he was getting away fucking cashmere.

Cashman Hoover, we back candor.

Legally, I think this is a complex.

I remember I was doing a Scottish TV show at the time, and I wrote some jokes about that.

And the producer said, Yeah, we're not going to have anything about that.

And I was like, Well, it's the Scottish First Minister has resigned.

You can't not have anything about that on a topical show.

And I said, Why not?

And he went, My wife thinks he's a really nice guy.

What?

And I was like, did your wife know him?

And it was like, literally, his wife, from watching him on TV, thought that he was a nice guy.

So this dude felt that a topical comedy show shouldn't mention that essentially the Prime Minister had resigned.

That's so crazy.

That's so crazy.

This is very much what we're talking about with this, you know, and their relationship, the soft touch, and they both benefit.

And he, some people just want an easy life.

And to do that, they will accept untold horrors being done in their name.

R.R.

Pios was born.

There's also that thing in there where sometimes you meet people who are incompetent, particularly in television, less so on radio, whatever, but you're like, oh wait, this person's incompetent and that's weird.

And then you realize, oh, they're because they're incompetent, because they don't want to make things.

They want someone who drags you in for meetings and makes some stupid fucking suggestions and the whole thing goes into the ground.

They would gladly just have meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting and go, that's my job.

i quite like it when they give you feedback and it shows a complete lack of fucking understanding on of of anything that's key that if you don't get it you're really valuable because they think well the public won't get it so if we can give it to someone who just doesn't get stuff

then that's great but it's sort of the opposite of what it used to be yeah yeah it's

then they wonder why people don't want to pay license fees and don't want to fucking watch well listen we're going to take our uh time travel and still game reboot idea to BBC Scotland and see what they think about.

I think they'll probably see the budgets are a bit tight.

But they'll ask us to do a 30-second short, so that'll be good.

Yeah, we'll be on that player.

Yeah,

it's the um ISIS invasion of Russia in 1812.

It's proving problematic.

Jesus, man.

Depressing.

You never been to Amsterdam?

I have been.

You like?

What are you up to?

Oh, fuck, it was ages ago, but it was like

Museum and Frank, Vikes, Barges.

Oh, did you?

We got a private, um, we got a private boat ride.

Nice.

Guy called Axel.

Hey, welcome to my boat.

Hey, you can tell somebody the good French

private boat ride.

It was incredible.

Overflowing, overflowing for the wee fella.

Big Axel took us about, and it was great, man.

Do you know that?

I don't don't know if you found this though with kind of not tourists tourism in general, but I know that there's been a real pushback against tourism in places like Barcelona or

Tokyo or

Amsterdam.

We were on the boat

and

we were going past and somebody had graffited.

You could only see this if you were on a canal boat.

On the inside of the canal, they'd spray painted tourists enough.

and you're like, Yeah, sorry, that's all good and well, but when you pull away the tourism, what you got going on, and what do you never go anywhere if you're from Amsterdam and Barcelona?

I'm never going anywhere.

Why would you have to if you were for Barcelona?

Also, right, if you look at the difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh and the wealth of those two cities and the fact that Edinburgh is a tourist city 365 days a year, it's got the festival, it's got its hugmini stuff, it's got all of that going on.

That's a very, very wealthy city because of the tourism.

So, and if you I get what people are saying, and I can understand that it must be very annoying when a whole load of fucking British people are walking down Lost Rambler Stripe.

And you've got a guy who's nine Australia damns deep, whiteying into your fucking mum's tulip.

You've got a contestant from a mid-range

British game show murdering people in your car.

A tea-time, a British

tea-time game show.

What a depressing discussion.

Because you do try and fill out a fucking autobiography, don't you?

And I guess sometimes people would make a story up, but don't say you murdered someone.

It's like that for someone.

I mean, obviously, this might have to get cut, but somebody wrote an autobiography where they said they fucking shagged a sister or something in it, and then it wasn't until they did, didn't they?

Yeah.

What a crazy thing to write.

And it went out to the publishers and people were reading it going,

are you sure you want to keep that bit in?

Yeah, fucking shed just, isn't it?

You cannot.

And then they are.

Britain's a big country.

It could be anyone, couldn't it?

Yeah.

Could be anyone.

Fuck the sister.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of strange things going on.

You know what?

Whenever we record this podcast and I leave it, I just go, what a world, man.

What a world.

Yeah.

Ack, but he looks like a type of guy who would fucking,

you know, like a sister's fanny or whatever.

Jesus, this needs to go on day.

He doesn't, you don't look at him and go, he would never

shake his sister.

Fucking Baldies, you switch this off and sell me.

Jesus.

This is beyond the pale.

It's too much.

I didn't realize.

You were saying about that, we were talking about Irishness or something and the kind of decolonizing language and stuff.

And

someone was describing an Irish thing as beyond the pale.

And you were like, you don't.

I always thought beyond, because what you meant by that was...

The pale was a district in Dublin.

The pale was like the outskirts of Dublin.

And then you beyond that was considered,

you know, a no-go zone.

John Swinney described kneecap as beyond the pale, which is fucking wild.

Fucking mental.

It's kind of

insane how

much sense that makes for his point of view though do you know what i mean like he is literally using a language to describe uh uncontrollable irishness to describe a kind of uncontrollable but he won't understand no you wouldn't get that because you'd have to you wouldn't rage but i i thought that beyond the pale meant like

beyond death or something like that is

like because you go pale and you die so i always thought beyond the pale meant oh that's something even a dead body would be outraged by i think it's cute you're getting confused with beyond the veil, which is often meant to mean after death.

Right, okay.

Past the veil of life.

And in that note, that etymological

snapple.

It's quite a chaotic end there.

Do you know what I mean?

The end of the round in a great boxing match.

Just a late flurry.

A light flurry of accusations and

fucking just general

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