The Fruit Fly Massacre

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

This is pretty much done, lads.

It's done.

Yeah, it's pretty much done.

It's good.

It's great.

It's good.

It's looking good.

I've done my V Workshop yesterday.

I was doing my V Workshop.

What does that mean?

I've put a V.

Wow, that's like you don't even know what a workshop is.

Fuck's sake.

Basically, like a techie classroom.

I've got two V outhouses.

Two V outhouses.

So that's the start of it.

There we go.

You got an outhouse?

A two.

Wow.

Oh, well.

So it's proper coming together, but that's all I've really got to do.

Neither Christopher Vat or I have a workshop.

You've got a bike shed.

Yeah, you've got a bike shed.

Here's my scaffolding boards that I'm very proud of.

Oh, wow.

They're nice, huh?

Oh, Garaho, shout out to Garahoe.

Ah, that's the old tram sign I got, so I'm dead truffed.

Did there used to be a tram that went to Garaho?

Hi, son.

Wow.

I'm only getting sound in one of my ears now, days.

Oh,

I can get fine different ones for you if you want.

Imagine how that's how you found out you had a brain tumour.

It completely blocks out.

It's like cauliflower ear, but you can get in there, they're one of the benign ones.

You get one that presses on the auditory nerve.

So, some people who have one ear tinnitus, they have a benign tumour.

Wow.

There you go.

Right?

It's not all comedy on here.

Hi.

It's education.

Some limited

facts.

We were just discussing lunch and if we should get a just eating, and Christopher's horrified.

No, I mean, I'm happy to.

We're under pressure time.

Under the pressure time, unfortunately.

And our tendency to have a two-hour lunch.

Can't happen today.

Can't happen.

Otherwise, we'll be here at about nine o'clock tonight.

Also, do you know what?

You could actually get like a dumpling monkey.

You know, dumpling monkey.

Particip.

Let's fill ourselves through it full of fucking gluten for a second.

Let's do it.

Let's get balled up.

The gluten tapes.

I wouldn't mind if we pulled pork ball one.

One of the AW things.

Yeah.

Obviously.

Anytime my kids go to the ban me place, I always go, I'm not allowed in there anymore.

You're not doing the joke about they've banned me.

Yeah.

And they always forget.

And they're like, oh, what?

It's alright.

How's life been?

We've not seen you in 80.

We've seen each other, but we've not seen you.

All right.

Your life has been Frankie.

Fantastic.

I guess you were fringe-free.

I was not in the fringe, just at home with my girlfriend.

and i've been very much enjoying that can we just clarify your girlfriend is not the alt-right person she's not a person

because a lot of people feel anxious finally wooed this alt-right oh no no not at all um doesn't sound very convincing

just has to tone it down a bit no um i'd say our politics are way more chaotic than that but being in political state a lot been writing my book, been trying.

How's the book writing going?

Oh, fuck, it's having a job.

It's essentially having a job.

And it's fucking...

You know what?

The thing is so frustrating about it as you read it and you know, this is fucking good.

You just finished the fucking thing.

Yeah.

And I'm now 7,000 words from the end.

And I'm like, I could kind of do it in a week of really hard work.

I just need to do this fucking thing, which is the opposite of comedy, which is like, I'm going to turn up to something and fucking talk.

And let's see if I'm funny or not and you know it's such a fucking DOS of a job for like multiples more money like for a ludicrous amount of

like

if I got my arsen gear like writing a book is like

one gig it's like one theater gig yeah

yeah

but

yeah perhaps I should return to my dossi

couldn't believe it this morning when you said yeah I think I'm gonna write a new show I know

I was like what are you talking about?

See as soon as you see that I just went in my head I went there we are there we are I spent a year of you and a half of a show called Lap of Shame clearly designed as the last thing you would do clearly designed

to stop people from coming back as well

is it the final lap of shame that was just lap of shame

evidently not you don't know I knew I knew this would be the because do you know what It's it's all good in principle, but I'm going to just lock myself away and I'm going to have this type of life.

And then you get it and you go, oh, for fuck's sake, no, I'm just going to go back to Dawson.

But it takes me so long to write a show that that's a couple of years of just being in Glasgow bringing stuff out.

It's all right, though.

That's fine.

That's great.

Do you know what?

You'll enjoy it.

Yeah.

So,

do you know what?

For the first time in a long time, I went down to the stand.

So, the stand's a new venue.

It's lovely.

It's the old Webster's Theatre.

And I went down there on Sunday night and I was going to close the show.

I just went down with some new stuff.

And it's that stuff that you've not really written, it's in your head, but you're going to just kind of written bits of it and you know how you want it to go.

And it's just so freeing, isn't it, to just go on a stage and go, Right, I know what I want to say, so I just need to say this and see what happens when I come out.

And then you record it and you listen back, and you go, That was actually alright.

I've maybe got out that 30, I've maybe maybe got 50.

The feeling of having to have something ready by March, and it's September, and you're like, and you get laughs now, you're like, Yes, man, the next couple of months of my life are gonna be alright,

it's gonna be fine.

Aye, big shout out to Christopher, who has got the Kings on sale.

Yeah,

oh, yeah,

it's gonna be very exciting.

What a show that'll be, aye, what a show that'll be howling at the moon.

Who's you got support?

Yeah, it's gonna be Roscoe McClellan.

Imagine seeing Roscoe McClellan, some guy I've blocked on Twitter.

This is much signal about me.

Getting yourself a fucking chocolate, if you're quick, or mint chalk chip, ice cream in the interval, and relaxing and watching Howling at the Moon.

Yeah, CMB.

Why did you block Roscoe at Twitter?

No idea.

I remember

someone mentioning him one time and clicking on his thing and going, oh, I blocked this prick.

He's a lovely guy.

But he's a beautiful soul sweetheart he's you'd love him if you hadn't blocked him but you've made your decision and i stand by your decision well you know what i remember why i used to block people back in the day and it would be people going things like you're a prick

you know it wasn't really i would let a lot of the i allowed this i was benevolent to an extent yeah and you got to protect yourself man yeah protect your peace but roscoe basically before he was a comedian he was frustrated and he would bam up Scottish comedians.

So you're not the only person to have blocked Roscoe on Twitter.

And then he's found himself in a Channel 4 scriptwriting workshop

headed up by Rab Florence.

And he's like, oh, great.

And then he goes home and remembers that he's been blocked.

On Twitter by Rab Florence.

Rab blocks you, man.

Fuck's sake.

Fucking shit.

He's a chaotic.

He was.

He was way more chaotic than what he is.

Yeah.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy, but he's a good supporter act.

Great support act.

And honestly, so my girlfriend went to see Christopher's show because we were at the same time because there were three acts from our agency all at the fringe at the one time and they managed to put us all within the one hour so none of us could see each other's show.

But she went to see Christopher's show and she loved it.

Wow.

Proper loved it.

Thanks for helping me punt my show.

No, it's all right.

I'm about to do my tour.

I'm about to punt my tour.

I'm in tour April and May all over the country.

Hell yes.

I'm very much looking forward to it.

Where are you doing you've never done before?

Dublin.

Oh, wow.

Cork.

Oh, fuck.

Belfast.

Where you'd in Cork.

I'll tell you.

Coughlins, isn't it?

It might well be, actually.

Then I'm doing like Bristol.

We know what happened the last time I was there.

He nearly died of a heart attack.

Jesus, man.

In an extremely non-euphemistic sense, you nearly died of a heart attack.

I quite literally.

But it wasn't because of the beautiful.

It wasn't caused of

the beautiful city of Bristol.

Coughlins.

and

cochlands

no i said cochlands on stage and they all laughed at me and corrunts oh

they can age it

that's a very good accent cock

tivoline above

cocklands

that was great

there's a folk bar in clonicouty called the barraz where the guitarist for thin lizzie used to um have a a weekly residence.

And they invited me to come do Debarra's folk club.

And I really want to do it.

Nice.

I really, really want to go to Debarra's.

I was talking to Irish comedians.

Well, I've seen Shane Todd and Andrew Ryan were talking about it.

And Andrew Ryan's from Cork.

Yes.

But like Debarra and Cork Howie is like an hour west.

It's like West Cork as in the

murder documentary.

Of Skull.

Yes.

So I want to go there and fucking, you yeah.

I'm looking forward to Cork.

Come on, I think Cork will be great.

Then I come back, do Scotland, do some England, but I finish Belfast Black Box and then the Millennium Forum in Derry.

Jesus.

And I fucking love Derry where the London is silent.

Tell me cracking.

It'll be good.

So I've got like Manchester, Newcastle.

Then I've got like Oban and Helensborough and Aberdeen and Perth and Inverness.

Yes.

That's awesome.

We're doing the big rooms.

Yeah.

Yeah, Perth and Inverness.

Don't, don't,

fucking, don't bust the ticket sales.

Also, you're about to write a show and you'll be going to all of that.

So just fucking didn't go to Perth for about 12 years.

No.

Perth is always clean.

Perth was alright, but the fucking lights didn't work, man.

It was bad for me because

it was the sunniest day of the year.

And they, obviously, that's just bad for me in general.

It was a week off.

But it's bad for me because they had a sign-up that said Support Act this time, Frankie Boyle this time, and it was a beautiful sunny day.

So, outside the venue, there was just like over a thousand

perf people.

And I went out in a very well-lit room to a clearly one-fifth full audience.

No, but do you know why it was well-lit, though?

Because

once it's full, the mobile phone signals affect their Wi-Fi or something, their lights.

So, when I went on, the house lights couldn't be put off when you were on.

And then, when I went on, the house lights would come on in patches.

So, it was like a kind of game.

It was like the price is right.

Amazing.

And you're just getting like faces of Perth folk suddenly lit up like a fucking ghost tree.

Well, I really like Perth folk.

Please buy tickets.

Farmers and an opera house.

Listen,

hi.

I like Perth as well.

They are good people.

Helensborough might be alright.

That's all I'm going to say.

Helensbrook.

Out of those gigs.

Perhaps Helensburgh will care for me.

Dundee.

Dundee will be alright.

Where are you playing?

Whitehall Theatre.

Okay, that might be alright.

That'll be nice.

Curd Hall.

It's like Pencil.

Dunoon, Queens Hall.

Oh, we didn't get to do that.

That was one that we were looking at.

Could we go down there?

And

did I ferland the beautiful old Hamburg?

Great.

Nice.

Per theatre, Leeds,

Manchester, Newcastle, usual places.

And Helensborough's Victoria Halls, Oban.

That's going to be bonkers, in it.

Obin's the Corin Halls.

What night?

Doesn't matter, they'll be fucking hammered anyway.

What night was that?

We did like fucking hell.

It's like a Monday.

You call fucking hell.

I say they wanted to drown the fucking cunt.

Oh, God.

I've also got.

I've also then got to leave Oban and be in Cardiff the next day because nobody has ever seen a fucking card.

For fuck's sake, what?

Are you flying?

I don't need you.

Fucking hell.

Honestly.

I'm fucking angry about someone else's fucking turn on.

I thought that worked well, though, as a plug.

See that thing where you went, oh, my girlfriend went to see Christopher's show.

And then I'm like, oh, now I've got a voice of authority.

I've got a review here.

I've got a thing.

And I thought that sold it better than my

recommendation.

Do you know who I talked to recently?

Because you've got to find a voice of authority for these recommendations.

Talked to recently who said both your shows would be great.

Wow.

Leonard Suskind.

Wow.

The mathematical theoretician.

Yeah, from Stanford University.

Wow.

Right.

Recommended both of them.

Did they mention anything about holograms and stuff?

Oh, you've got to get through that first.

But after that, I gave a two thumbs up

to both your games that shows French violence.

Did he see?

He started the points of Bangkok and the Big Ten.

He said it was awesome.

I watched him recently.

I tend to watch something every couple of weeks from Leonard Suskind, but there's a guy on who clearly knew a lot about physics, but who made a mistake talking about black holes.

And Leonard Suskin is a very genial, I guess, like from Boston or something.

He says working class.

And the guy went, I think when you get to a certain point in a black hole, the coordinates kind of flip around or something.

Leonard Suskin was like...

shaking.

Just like,

no, no, that's not the case.

And you're like, fuck.

You know, he's very genial until you make a mistake and you're in black hole, Patter.

A lot of people are like that with their kind of special interest.

Do you know what I mean?

But then, if you kind of,

you know, they don't like it.

Can I just ask, what was his justification for thinking that the coordinates would flip?

He just thinks you get so far into it that it kind of reverses itself.

No, well,

as much as I understand of it is that, surprisingly, you know, when you go into a black hole, you think that's it, I'm fucking sucked in here.

You know,

you're no getting back.

Yeah, I mean, don't doubt that.

But it's kind of like when you're in a rowing boat and you get too close to the waterfall to generate the power to go back.

So you've actually got a nice wee, a nice wee stretch ahead of you where not much is going to happen until you get into the centre.

Where there's like the fucking supergravity that's going to spaghettify you.

Is this for the point of view of a human body or the point of view of a star?

From the point of view of an observer.

Or see a black hole, yeah.

Jesus.

yeah you've actually got a you've got a decent stretch until you get a really stretchy gun in the vortex

yeah

i would uh i've seen people put mince in a sausage machine and then go and it all comes out and a mincer like mince into a mincer aye aye i wouldn't mind being minced There's a good Robert Patterson film about it's the most French film ever and it but they're all not all English actors but he's in it and it's basically they they in the future they send convicts in a fucking spaceship into a black hole as a research thing and it's the far future Robert Patterson's there

he has a daughter with a fucking ship scientist and all that stuff but it starts to get weirder and the structure breaks up as they start to get close towards the back hole anyway on New World Order we had this French academic come on to discuss society the spectacle.

I said, hey, have you seen that Robert Patterson movie?

I think it's called High Life or something.

And

I thought that was a really weird movie.

You don't know what it's about, do you?

And she went, It is a bad incest.

Jesus.

Which, you know, I guess it is in a way.

Yeah, nuts.

I quite like the idea that a black hole is a bit like a general pneumatic tube that they use for the money.

I love that.

Yeah.

Used to fit them.

Love that.

Do people still use them?

Nah, well, because there's cards, but yeah, they'll still have them in supermarkets, like they'll still have them just for safety.

Just say,

what do you mean in a supermarket?

That was the majority of places that they had them because they were carrying so much money.

They would put the money in, they would write the tell on it, stick it in the V-shoot,

to where?

To the cash room.

Oh, wow.

Get them in your house, get a fucking ironbush shot.

Oh, that's what you need.

An iron, like, mouse trap around your house.

My head would be full of mice and sex with folks.

Why is your tube no sucking up in?

Oh, it's ramped in the kills of mice and other vermin.

Don't know if we should be looking at this, but I made a bit of an error because I was at the fringe for a month

and my grand died on the second day of the fringe.

And really, my idea was to come back through to Glasgow and kind of tidy up the flat.

But, you know, the best laid plans are mice and men.

And no, I don't even want to know what kind of state that flat's in.

It was in a pretty rough state, and then my landlord did an inspection.

And she was fairly found it quite a bracing experience, I think.

Your landlord who has mice in their property.

Well, no,

there wasn't any mice when I got there.

I've kind of introduced mice into it, maybe.

The Pied Piper.

The Pied Piper of Park.

So what happened?

I well there was a.

I didn't know that you could get a fruit fly infestation

if you didn't eat fruit.

Turns out they like other stuff as well.

So I forgot to kind of tie up the bin bag or close the bin or empty the bin.

So the bin was just sitting there for a month and there was some dishes in the sink.

And I came back and I had to Do you know the kind of homemade fruit fly traps you can make?

Have you ever made one of these, Frankie?

Never.

Have you ever done this?

No, because I take out bins.

Have I ever had to make something because I live in filth and squalor?

Get involved in handicrafts.

No.

So, what you can do in a kind of art attack fruit fly trap is you get an empty bottle of fairy liquid.

Here's one I made earlier.

And you cut the top of the thing off and you unscrew the lid, you flip it upside down, and you sellotape the upside down thing with you, right?

And then you fill it two parts water, two parts

apple cider vinegar, and then just a couple of drops of fairy liquid and this the flies are attracted to the uh apple cider to the apple cider vinegar the sweetness and the the fruitiness of that they come in but because of the couple of drops of fairy liquid they do you know the kind of what's that called the water tension is different so they go down to get the vinegar but the globules of ionic covalent tail in the soap molecule, yep.

The soap molecules drag these wee guys down.

So now I have this jug that I've made.

Of the death penalty.

The death penalty.

I've got a fucking fruit fly graveyard.

Science criminal of the fruit fly world?

Yeah, fuck's sake.

They're trying to get me in the fruit fly egg.

And

I, but I've got now I've got this jug of fucking vinegary soap full of like 40, 50 flies, and I just don't know what to do with it.

I kind of want to keep it as a kind of somebody shouting up at me in my window.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're fucking just fucking do some of that.

What do you think about that?

I think you need to get rid of that.

I, yeah, mate.

So, but it's good.

You just like the landlady furious at you.

No, no, she's just she's worried that you're mental.

She's worried about

it.

At that point, go, there's a lot of mice in here.

No, it's not a matter of mine.

It's not really.

I mean, you know, I think it's more a case of, listen,

a lot of it's my fault, but things are going to change.

You're blaming yourself for vermin infestation.

Your house had not to flip things on you, but you had a big rat in your house.

And I moved.

That's right.

You moved to a separate house.

It's sort of like the old woman who swallowed the fly.

If the mice start drinking the fly water that you've left out,

that's maybe a good idea.

Maybe.

Just doing a lot of heavy lifting there.

But yeah, I mean, it's just nice having this kind of toxic

substance that I can...

anybody that comes near me, I'm just fucking scoosh them with this horrible liquid full of dead flies.

But

yeah, that's been dealt with.

And that's what happened to Alexander Litvinenko.

Is that right?

Get a pipe.

Pipe down your trouser leg.

A pneumatic tube?

Yeah, so that you could blast it into someone's face.

Fucking hell.

I don't need a trouser leg to blast this juice into somebody's face.

Yeah, no, but

go out and find

someone you don't like.

Easily done.

Just research them so you make sure they're a bad person

and they're also into like cottaging or something.

Then you go out with your homemade cottaging, does they make you a bad person?

No, no, I said they're bad person separately.

You search it,

they work for Black Rock or something, they work for an arms developer.

You get them at their cottaging, yeah, and then you get the old tube running down your leg, and you blast this like vinegar fly concoction

in a sickening homophobic attack.

But that you have justified with previous reasons because they,

you know, are doing terrible things in Gaza.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We could have went to the Reform Party conference and done this.

Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

Well, with pretty much everybody, we wouldn't even need to research them.

Nah.

What

do you guys make for that?

Wow.

It's amazing.

How'd they get such an easy ride from the media?

Like, a fucking guy stood up and went, I'm a doctor, and you know what?

Fucking King Charles's cancer was caused by the vaccine.

Yeah.

Imagine like someone in fucking Jeremy Corbyn's fucking label or someone and said that.

Yep.

Yep, they got away because it was the weekend that Angela Reiner resigned and that's why they got away with it.

That was the only reason they got away with it.

It was honestly the way Andrea Jenkins and her terrible Eurovision types.

Well, what's going on?

Right, so I didn't watch this, but I've seen a clip of

a reform woman coming out and she sings a song where she's like, I have insomnia.

Did she write that song?

Yes, so Andrea Jenkins was the.

Do you remember the woman in the yellow dress who stood at the gates of Downing Street and gave the British public the finger?

So that's that absolute sweetheart.

And she then joined Reform.

She is now the mayor of Lincoln.

That's nice.

She's not even an MP, she's just the Mayor of Lincoln.

She's not in Lincoln entry,

Mayor of Lincoln,

Reform Party member.

So she's not, well, she's obviously a reform mayor,

but she's not an MP or anything like that now because she's a fucking idiot.

And she

came out singing her own song, Insomniac.

But is it like a metaphor for something?

No, she just wrote this song and she got to sing it.

That's wild.

Yep.

Not as wild.

Did you see Farage?

He was in the States and they were basically asking him like

you've only got four MPs.

Why do you think you wield this power and all that kind of stuff?

And he was absolutely slagging off Britain saying that there's no free speech or anything anything like that.

Then came back, stood and sang, God Save the King after putting a quack on the stage at the party conference.

Good

king's cancer, Cosby Medicine.

Fucking how they have got away with that, I'll never know.

It's wild, it is wild, but also they have only got four fucking MPs.

This is like going to the Green Party conference for three days.

It's ridiculous.

But it's kind of kicking off with all the fucking flags painting.

I was down in England the other day, day and and there's flags about now like it's it's kind of getting there we've talked about it for a long time is it the red and white one the st George's do you think that's because it's easier to

come on

is it the red and white one or use your five

is it because it's easier to draw than the Union Jack or do you think it has a different do you think it means something else?

So I came in Euro ninety-six, didn't they?

Yeah,

Paris?

No, but

it kind of um died off before that.

It was always Union Jacks.

It's always Union Jacks and now

it's just fucking fascism.

We're well out the foothills and we're well on the road to it.

Even just coming off at um Regent Street, I was in London last weekend and I got off the tube at Regent Street and it's just those fucking Union Jacks hanging down and it's just I just don't get emotional about flags.

I don't see the point in them.

I don't, not that I don't see the point in them, but I don't, I don't see why people get so attached to them.

But yesterday, I was walking down the Mary Hill Road in Glasgow, and there's all the St Andrew flags up, which is now being hijacked by the right, you know what I mean?

So it's just fucking grim.

It's grim, it's really bad.

And then he's standing going off and won about fucking migrants and boats and everything like that.

Completely forgetting that

the repatriation programme was admonished when we left the EU.

And you're going, this is your fucking mess.

You created it.

And also, everybody at that fucking reform party was well over the age of like 60.

People with one tooth and all that.

Yeah, just that Nigel speaks for me.

Dizzy.

Yeah.

It's brutal.

We're fucked.

I don't think reform are going to to get in though.

I think like Starmer's so incompetent.

What's the other like labour are so detached from anything people want so now they're like starmer's like to tackle immigration we're going to bring in digital ID cards like you've spent fucking a year trying to appeal to racists do you think racist conspiracy theory fucking anti-vax nutters want a digital ID system

and then it's like oh it'll cost a billion to set up and a hundred million to run every year it's like you know how about three billion to set up and fucking 300 million to run every year, like everything else you've ever fucking done, right?

So it's just a SOP to, you know, rich people who fucking run these data companies and also to gather all your data.

Of course.

I mean, even conspiracy nuts aren't fucking wrong all the time.

Like, digital ID cards are a really bad thing.

But how's that your response?

What is so bad about them?

It's kind of a Tesco Club card, but for your citizenship or something.

Yeah, but it's the fact that the government can then just see fucking everything.

What do you mean?

Well, like they have then all the data that's rendered from the card every time you have to produce your digital ID to access anything.

Oh, like the library or like everything.

Well, what about where does it go from there?

Does it then get

together with your health records?

Oh, yeah.

And then who owns that data?

Can they sell it on?

Because they've certainly tried to sell NHS data to Palantir, Peter Teal's evil kind of

data company.

Wow.

It's rough.

Yeah.

What was up with that thing where you had to let your phone take a picture of your face to look at porn?

Have you seen that?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, who's doing that?

Who's fucking logging on taking a photo of their face and then searching for fucking

their kink.

Their kink.

Come on.

Christopher.

Who's putting their credit card in as well?

I never got that either.

Christopher.

Have you done this?

Of course.

You photographed your face and put it on.

You know.

When the mood strikes.

Fucking hell.

A strand of barbed wire could come out your phone and go, just run this across your face to look at porn.

I'd go, okay, fucking floss and

reasons why just to look at a pair of diddies and did you aim for a dignified expression?

Did you just did you do like a passport picture?

No smiling, no glasses.

Remove baseball cap.

No, I was just like, please let me see this.

I need to see this.

Yeah, I'll see a picture.

But I mean, who you do?

You do want to wait till these pictures go.

Do you know what his problem is?

He's never been analogue porn.

That's it.

He's only known digital porn, really, innit?

No, that's true, yeah, yeah.

So he's never

my dad used to run a hairdresser and it was uh they were um why are you just looking at each other?

Where the fuck does your brain go?

Where's this link?

Well, there was a moment where he was trying to rebrand his hairdressers.

They were called Yours Faithfully on Hope Street.

And there was a moment kinda around the kind of Jamie Oliver

metro sexual early, what was that kind of late 90s, early 2000s, the naked chef and all this type of stuff, where it was like men are allowed to care about their hair, you know.

No, it wasn't quite manscaped, you know, it was, you know, maybe have a haircut was kind of seen as, whoa, this guy's a bit feminine, huh?

So he had the idea, maybe we should have like a kind of

barbers, an old school barber's with like a fucking boxing bag, you know, people who feel comfortable if there's a lot of kind of manly stuff kicking about.

And there used to be loads jazz mags in it

and that's because it was an old school barber shop that he was trying to create the vibe of that wasn't any old school barber shop

what there weren't porn mags i think there was no wasn't what you're talking about and they're not just an old guy going something for the weekend sir

pulling out a one johnny in a box something

an episode of a sitcom called all of her being on sky one and there was a big thing where it was we need to go to the barber shop and steal the porn mags so we can jack off to them later.

So, this was an American culture.

You would have the porn mags in the barbershop to look at while you're waiting.

That's just the American.

That's not American.

I understand.

I don't know about America.

But I remember being a wee guy and my dad working, and I just had to hang about the hairdressers, and I found one of the magazines.

So, I do have a relationship to analog pornography, is what I'm saying.

So, then they give you that big fucking shroud thing to hide your erection.

That's what it's for.

Because, like, on a busy day, you're reading porn for like an hour plus.

What about when they do that collar thing as well?

Because the guys get that, don't you?

When you kind of get like, you get the shroud, and then there's like a collar thing for when these are doing it.

It's a Catholic in me.

When you're doing the

shaving thing, isn't it?

When they do all that, we call it the cape.

Of course, you call it a cape, you fucking child.

You get the cape, and then you get a towel tucked in around here, and then you go back in your way.

The basin, we call it, in the industry.

What are we talking about?

Aye.

So, I took a picture of my face, basically.

Put your credit card details in.

Maybe that's why you got your hair washed that way backwards.

Because in the old days, someone would just, like a Saturday boy, would just open porn pages above you.

Where do that Saturday boy?

Never once.

Never once.

I bumped into somebody I used to shampoo.

Greg McHugh.

Greg McHugh, you used to shampoo?

I used to shampoo.

Was this enough?

Greg McHugh.

Does this fucking for him.

He was at the stand.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you know who I met?

I've told you about this.

Now I remember.

Same night I met Greg McHugh.

I used to shampoo.

Casper Schmeichel.

Now, Christopher, can we discuss this?

Did you used to make trifle?

I am the rifle at Casper Schmeichel.

I wouldn't be saying that.

No.

Can we just discuss this?

So we've got a group chat, and Christopher put in the group chat that he had met Casper Schmeichel, to which me and Frankie clearly both felt that we had to ask the question, did you know who Casper Smichel was?

Before this question was even asked, I just met Casper Schmeichel, was reacted to with two laughing emojis.

Yes, because it's hilarious.

To which he went, no, it had to be explained to me.

Basically, Casper, yeah, because I was opening for Bridges at the stand

for his warm-up, for his American tour, and then these two guys came in, and I was like, who the fuck are these guys?

And it was Danish football stars, Caspar Schmeichel of Celtic Football Club and Peter Lovenkrant

of Rangers.

Hold on, the Rangers Football Club?

No, Rangers Football Club up to 2012.

It was the old co.

I looked up what years he was active.

It was 2000 to 2006, and that's when I was interested in football.

Yeah, and I'll tell you who else was interested in those years.

The tanks, man.

But now, I don't know if I told you, but Peter Lovercrans is going to be on Danish dancing on ice.

Wow.

He's going to be.

Must be really much more competitive in Denmark, though, where they've all presumably danced on ice.

They're in parallel ice.

Just in the garden.

No, it wasn't ice.

It was just dancing.

It was there strictly.

And he was learning how to do the jive the next day, which is quite exciting.

Do you think Cass Bush Michael listens to the pod?

It's quite unlikely.

I think it's incredibly likely.

I think.

Do you know what I was thinking there?

He seemed to know who I was, but then I remembered I had done stand-up in front of him

an hour before.

So that's why he recognised me from the extremely recent past.

I can imagine, I don't know a few wrestlers who listen to this.

I can imagine a few footballers would enjoy this.

A lie.

If you're Caspar Schmichel listening to this podcast, I once filmed your dad at a World Cup launch event having to save penalties from little children

and he saved every single one

and refused to let anybody score.

Quite right.

It's the Michael Own.

Yeah.

I think there's just an inbuilt fucking.

Those people are so competitive.

They're just, you've been hardwired from when you were like six to save things.

You cannot save things.

You can't turn it off.

There should be a magic realism novel.

Peter Schmeichel is one of the characters, man.

You know, that would be a great.

Could we make him a D and D character?

I'll be Peter Schmeichel at the next D and D.

But do you not remember when I texted you one day going, is there seriously a city player called Casper Schmeichel?

And you were like, yeah, he's pretty prominent.

He was a pretty successful keeper and his dad was probably the best keeper in in the world for some time.

In the children's leagues.

At the children's five asides.

Wow.

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

It's just,

yeah.

But yeah, I do remember I got a lot of Pierre Loving Crens.

Him and Amaruso, were they kind of same era?

Big Lorenzo, Amatamata.

That was kind of peak EBT that team, wasn't it?

That was a real...

What was EBT?

That was the vehicle, the tax vehicle that Rangers Football Club used to defraud His Majesty, or at the time, Her Majesty's government.

I know, what a wonderful irony.

Wow.

I just paid my tax bill the whole day.

Felicia.

I got an email from HMS saying I didn't open any bitch.

Nah, I've paid mine.

I've got it done.

I got it done six months earlier.

This is like a fucking Aesips fable here.

Fucking bad, man.

Approaches to tax.

What's it like doing a podcast with a tortoise in the hair?

what you hinting for lunch christopher if we're doing a just eat i can i can have a perusal i mean i'm more than happy are you more you're more of a deliveroo guy

i knew he'd be fucking deliveroo i knew um just eat

they once said they'd refund me for some ice cream and then didn't and i've never used them since deliveroo said deliveroo

This is the opposite of adverts.

£3.49 worth of ice cream.

They said, don't worry, we'll refund you.

And then they refused to.

Most podcasts have, you need to check out Delivery.

They make dinner so easy.

If you don't care what turns up, or to deliver.

If you don't want necessarily all the things that you ordered to arrive.

How is it going to get here?

Because not to dox us right now, but there's a series of doors out there.

And gardens.

Yeah.

There's security between us.

Well, I imagine that they would say to security, and if they knew who it was for, because they give us our passes every time we come in, and they know our names.

Say, yeah, okay.

I don't think all the security here are not going to ride our food, though.

Do you know what I mean?

Ride it?

No, they're lovely women's on.

Yeah,

that woman's on the archer.

That's all

she'll be okay.

She'll be fine, she'll look after it.

That crazy guy is not human.

Don't mind that guy.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that was just one day.

He was like someone who blows into a Wild West town and gets shot.

Immediately.

They don't even let him take his hat off.

Put his horse rope on that man tweed bench.

Just immediately plonk.

You're a fucking big dead freak.

Alright, should we get a chaku?

Let's just go to chaku.

Oh.

Persuaded.

Let's just go chaku.

Do you mean actually go?

Aye.

I don't think we've got time.

We've not got time.

Whatever.

When do you need to go for?

Four.

It's 25 to 2.

We've never had a fucking quick life.

We could get to Chaku one course meal, pay as it gets there, back here for three,

done by four.

Pay as it gets there.

They fucking, even if you finish it, it takes fucking half an hour to round up.

Bye.

I think if you just get something in the day, lads.

Okay.

John May, look at Uber Eats.

John May, mix it up a bit.

You sort it out, you sort it out.

Right.

I'll monzo you the

Miller.

It's fine.

I'll monzo you the Miller.

This episode is sponsored by Monzo.

I fucking love the monzo.

I don't really know what it is.

It's like a new way of getting paid, like a new invoicing system.

What am I talking about?

Revolut.

You have the revolut?

Sometimes it's a vodka bar.

Yeah, vodka revolut.

I was in a vodka revolution in Manchester in 2013, and with my pizza, they said, would you like the secret

sauce?

Would you like to guess what the special ingredient in vodka revolution's ketchup was in 2012?

Vodka?

That would make so much more sense.

It was black currant.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was delicious.

Anyway, thanks for listening, guys, to another episode of Here Comes the Killer King.

Okay.

Okay.

Which is fancy.

Your choice, Susie.

I'll have.

If I choose, you know, I'm going to choose Chinese.

What do you think about this?

Nippon ketchup.

Yeah.

should we just go with one course?

Easy done.

I'm talking express.

I think I'll be so miserable if I start recording something without eating.

Yeah, okay.

Come on.

One course.

Well, nobody managed one course.

We'll do two.

Ribs, that's it.

We can do two on Nippon.

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