The Burning Bridges Episode

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

There's a couple that clearly look like they're not having sex that do a kind of food venues thing.

And they just seem like a stale sexless relationship.

We both shared a mocha and we shared a mark tower.

We really actually liked it.

Yeah it wasn't too dry.

The chicken was moist and

yeah we'd go back definitely but we'd get different starters probably.

Surrounds.

Yep.

I would be fucking region if I was a chef and just two absolute bobags came in and just started telling me about my but also as a proxy for wanting pumped.

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

As a kind of like maybe it's kind of held hostage.

The fanny's held hostage.

Wow.

What a take.

Wait, who's who's the hostage taker here?

Jesus, Christopher, what a start.

No, we need to break down this metaphor.

I'm saying

she no,

she

you have

um metaphorically now dubbed the fanny.

The fanny, you're now referring to women as the fanny.

No, I'm not saying women are the fanny, I'm saying that she's not pumping the wee guy unless he generates this content for her.

Oh, she is holding her own fanny hostage on a sex ban.

This can't even be stuck.

This is fucking wild.

We don't have the context.

We're talking about it.

We're talking about

you know these we um

we do we record.

Oh, okay, good.

um i've got a way worse start so this is what i thought about in the training oh it's okay like an authentic like shit idea

um

a movie a novel whatever and it's like some kids in an orphanage and they grow up together in the steel i used to love the novel with john irving right

um and you get all their stories but everything these wee kids do from the age of fucking five is just turns to shit

like and you follow them all through their lives and they get together occasionally and go fucking hell everything's going really badly, everyone seems to really hate us.

Like, people are really vindictive, life is hard, all that stuff.

And eventually, one of them breaks back into the orphanage, checks their records, and they are clones of Hitler, Thatcher,

fucking Mussolini, and the world has recreated them so that they can get a cathartic,

you know,

like seven up, but for the world's greatest monsters, yeah, wow, dreaming show type shit.

Yeah.

But for dictators.

It's kind of that thing tabula razza in tech, where it's like when you're born, you're a blank slate.

It doesn't matter if you've got Hitler's genes.

You're alright.

Not if you're brought up a Catholic, because I think you'll find that you're born with original sin.

Am I right, Frankie?

Unless you're the mother of Mary.

Ah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she was she was grand.

She was pure.

Right.

But every uh the rest of us have all been born with original sin.

Is that right

was hitler a catholic

no no

i don't know i mean you don't get he's got fucking hun written

i mean i i i i don't think that hitler or

Thatcher were was Thatcher a Catholic?

Thatcher was a Catholic either.

In a speech in nineteen thirty two, Hitler declared himself not a Catholic and not a Protestant but a German Christian.

Wow.

The German Christians were a protesting group with Nazi ideology.

So, no, I mean imagine going to his confession.

Imagine being the priest listening to that fucking con you'd be like, Jesus, fuck.

Six six million, you say.

Forgive me, father.

I still think your art was a bigger crime.

It's a lot of fucking Hail Marys.

It's a fucking lot.

Never had a Catholic Hitler, but we have had a Nazi Pope.

At least two.

We had the one that helped the Nazis, and then we had the one that kind of fought with the Nazis.

Was that the one that retired?

They said, oh, he's always pope till he dies, except this guy, he's going off in a helicopter.

So the fucking Simpsons,

everybody, sometimes we retire.

It was like Nixon.

But did he become Pope Emeritus or something?

Yeah.

Fucks.

Just live in a granny flat out in the back of the bike.

Consultant Pope.

took off in a fucking helicopter.

Yes, his son, uh, revelations will come to lad,

historic child sexual abuse.

Goodbye.

See you.

Did you see that?

A Pope Leo, the new Pope, the American one, is wanting to continue Pope Francis's work in

letting queer LGBTQ people come to the church and be part of the Catholic community.

And I'm like, get to fuck

because there's reasons that I don't go to chapel, and these are good excuses.

I don't want your fucking equality as much as what I love, the campness of a Catholic funeral and just the general gaiety of all things.

Get to fuck, ram your equality up your Arch Catholic church.

No, thank you.

I was at a funeral yesterday, and it's you know, the Godfather's really taking the edge off these occasions because you're sitting there and you're like, why am I not having all my fucking ops taken out during this?

It would be so much more satisfying.

I'm literally just listening to Ave Maria when I should be imagining all my fucking foes getting one in the eye.

Getting wiped out.

I think that's a great piece of cinema: the fact that he's a godfather with a newborn child and then they're just getting fucking whacked.

Love it.

So, are you saying that you're getting all your ops killed at the funeral or your alibi is you at the funeral, so you can have killed these people?

Have you seen the godfather?

I don't think I have.

What?

None of them.

I think I've seen some of the first one.

Right.

He's at the christening in the first one, and he's getting everybody whacked.

And that's his alibi.

He's maybe less, yeah, that's the first one.

Maybe less of a Machiavellian genius than he's sometimes portrayed as his solution was simply to kill everybody who was.

Walkie was busy.

Yeah.

He was busy.

I was very busy that day.

So it comes razor into it.

It's when he takes out Fredel.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Takes out Fredo.

Fucking that's when you know he's turned.

That's when you know there's no going back.

Is that his wee pal?

His brother?

His brother.

Never go against the family.

As I believe.

Never go against the family.

But Fredo was so the oldest brother played by James Cann gets assassinated brutally.

And it's a brutal assassination.

Because basically James Cann beats up his brother-in-law for beating up his sister.

Yeah, but you never go against the family.

Never go.

And then Fredo is underneath James Cann, but Fredo fucks it because he's a he's just a wee dick.

Fredo tells Johnny Ola how to assassinate Michael, so there's an assassination attempt on Michael, and Johnny Ola is fucking Uncle Junior.

Yes,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's amazing.

There's a whole bit, I think,

is it in the start of good fellas?

It's the start of good fellas where you can see like

Polly Walnuts and stuff for the Sopranos.

It's basically they've just got every man from an Italian male descent who's interacting and that one scene is the kid version of what's his cooperative

comes out of the court.

I can't believe you've all the films you've seen.

Oh, they do show a lot.

Do you know what I mean?

Like on the GFT, it's always Jaws.

You know, fucking sharks, man.

Nobody...

really shows this godfather in like wee cinemas and stuff i love it man what i've noticed i love a wee sunday See a wee Sunday end of November, and you're just a bit you've been doing corporates and you're feeling a bit soulless

because you've sold your soul to the man for 20 minutes in a fucking hotel ballroom.

I like a wee Sunday afternoon.

I wee Godfather 1, Godfather 2.

I don't really bother with the third.

I had a corporate book in Fall Shoe yesterday and it really gave me a tremendous lightness of spirit.

Same.

You know what I mean?

It's the opposite of what the agent would think.

They're just like, oh, I'm really sorry.

And you're like.

I had gigs cancelled next week in Alawa and Hamilton and

I feel great.

It's a lot of work going but

I did a gig with this woman actually

maybe fudge the details here but she's not a not from Britain and she went I did a gig, I did a couple of gigs up near you recently.

One was in Glasgow in Blackfriars and I was like yeah that would be great and she was like yeah it's a great room and the other one was in Hamilton

A proper, like, scared voice, and I was like, fuck, I can't imagine what that would be like.

Well, we just bumped into uh Australian comedian Thomas Green, uh, who says that Laboratorio Espresso is his favourite coffee shop in Glasgow.

And so he was going in there and we were discussing the mood, etc.

But uh, he used in a gig in Creef, which I didn't I didn't know was where you said that's where Rory Stewart lives.

That's where Rory Stewart's family pile is, he stays there.

Yeah, yeah, that's uh the hereditary wealth of why Mr.

Privy Council might possibly not want Scotland to be independent.

But he's alright with other countries being independent, you know, as long as they've got a fucking water fund or whatever shite it is, he does.

You want to be tipped for the hydro?

Yeah.

Tip for Krief Hydro.

Should you be taking a competitive teen

on holiday?

If you get the laser

thing, what's it called?

The outdoor laser laser quest.

It's like that, but it's like a battle.

It's a laser battle.

as you played on the ground, right?

And if you go early,

the guns,

some of them have a sight in the eyepiece.

So

it's really, really easy to shoot people.

Wow.

And some of them don't.

But some of the ones that do also, you can just detune them by turning the sight to the left.

So what you could do, if you were so inclined, was you could turn up,

sight a rifle for you and your son, and then ruin a guy's 60th birthday celebration

by wiping out him and his friends.

Amazing.

Sabotaging the wetness.

Wow.

I thought Roe Stewart was the biggest asshole.

Come on now.

Happy birthday, motherfuckers.

Happy birthday, Road Stewart.

Happy birthday.

One less fucking pensioner we need to worry about.

Who's taking a 60-year-old daddy their fucking laser quest?

Well, they do all that.

They do do like axe throwing and quad biking and shit like that up there.

They do that stuff.

Okay, quad biking is good, but also

listen to those instructors, by the way, because they gave me a and don't overtake on the last bit, you know, because you're rushing to get to finish line and be a dick and win and stuff.

And I was at when Mia was a little right, so Mia's on the back of something.

And I thought, fuck it, I'm gonna overtake them.

Do you know what I mean?

They're not gonna stop me.

And then as I went on the outside, I realised they'd said that because it kind of borders a sort of cliff.

You are such a Scottish da.

I think I was.

Maybe I was.

I think my testosterone levels these days are so low.

You wouldn't overtake these days.

I don't think I would even do it.

That's

hard.

Give me that pool cue.

Wait till I show you what I could have been.

That's what that is.

Wow.

Wow.

The code biting up there is really good, though.

I've done it once, and they were like, you two can actually just go and do your fucking own thing.

You go with that person because these people are shake bags.

Obviously, RIP Ozzy Osborne, but I mean, he died this year, but I don't think he was really the same since his quad biking accident about 10 years ago.

How could you tell?

No, but how would you know?

The frequency of the shakes increased tenfold, I think.

He went for, you know.

a wobble to a fucking vibration.

I think, yeah, it's pretty dangerous.

Yeah.

I fucking love it, though.

I mean, listen, we all love quad biking, but it's, I mean, I just know I would end up upside down with a full quad bike on the

weight of a quad bike on my neck.

Do you know what I mean?

I see what you're saying there.

Yeah.

I was on a quad bike once.

Me and my dad were paragliding.

Of course you were.

Off the coast of Turkey or something.

And we were on a...

Is that what paragliding is when you're attached to the boat?

No.

That's parascending.

Parascending?

It's called parascending.

Paraging, right, okay.

So the two you're attached to the boat in a big

rope.

Paraglidens, you jump off sometimes.

There's no way you're

fucking jumping off anything.

Parasailing.

That's when you go down a mountain.

You said that already.

I've said it already.

It's called parascending.

That's why you're pulled by a vehicle.

It doesn't have to be a broken.

You didn't have a rolling sausage this morning, did you?

No.

You sent me into the laboratory special because he was frightened.

I wanted to speak to Telescreen.

I didn't know he would be there.

He sent you in?

Well, thanks for my coffee.

I didn't send you in.

I begged of you.

I'm scared of the guy in there.

I don't want to speak to him because he knows I've been slacking him off on this podcast.

No, that'll be slacking off.

I've just been noticing things.

I'd say the look in his eyes today was pity.

Really?

Yeah.

Pity for you or just in general?

Perhaps the world.

Perhaps

pity for a crumbling world.

We need to get back to Christopher Bean's.

So I was tied to dad and attached to a boat, parasanding over the Black Sea.

Me and my dad.

And I told us

on this book as well.

Are you attached together at this point?

I'm, you know, maybe 11, and I'm on his chest.

Are you on some form of papoose type safety pipus?

Safety papoose.

We're on this big glider in the sky, attached to a rope, attached to a boat, and the boat's fucking going for it on the coast.

And I think it was the guy's first day or something.

First day on the Black Sea.

And

yeah, he took us over, but we came down, but you're supposed to come down on the water and then swim back, but he was bringing us down and he was like making big arm gestures for the boat, like, no, no.

And and we came down on the beach and we landed feet first on like German

sun bathers.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

these big German people were lying down on like lounges, and we were going, Mess, mess, mess!

And they were they couldn't hear us, or they didn't expect a Scottish violin sun to land on for this guy.

Fucking hell.

And didn't you have any war movie vocabulary that you could?

couldn't understand, right?

See, when I see people doing that kind of shit in places like Turkey and stuff, and I go, I wonder how on the money their health and safety is.

Yeah, I know what the insurance situation is like.

Yeah, this insurance is not paying out on the banks.

For a guy who can't hit water in the world's largest inland sea,

I know what his premiums are like.

Well, anyway, he felt so bad for us

landing on German tourists who were very understanding

that he gave us a free quad bike too.

And

my dad got his own quad bike, and I was in this guy's safety puppoose

on his quad bike.

Your dad was trying to kill you, man.

Wasn't it?

Can I just confirm right?

So your dad's taking you on this fucking boat with this guy who probably in his first day who's tried to land you on the beach as opposed to the water.

Now your dad's went, look, that's not worked, but it's alright.

I've got us in a quad bike.

And the guy, I was in the quad bike with this guy, and he didn't speak English, really.

But so I couldn't really get across to him that my leg was right against the engine.

That's why you need to wear a bandana round your leg.

That's why.

Yeah, you need to wear a bandana around your leg for the old day

because they would What's like the side eyes at the side?

Well, I was extremely burned.

Your dad was honestly trying to kill you, man.

He just went, I need to get rid of him before he's a teenager.

Well, you should try to.

But I do remember quad biking out to this farm

and it was beautiful.

I don't want to use the phrase puppy farm because that has kind of negative connotations.

But this guy had so many puppies and they were running all about.

That's great.

And I had a bound leg, but I didn't care because there were so many puppies.

And I remember having a nice

glass bottle of fan.

Nice.

It's one of my core memories.

Nice.

And playing with the puppies.

Ah, nice.

That's a nice end to what could have been a fucking terrible story.

I think that's just a thing your mind created.

The horror.

Leave me be.

Just, I just fucking right.

We're going to take up my turkey.

You're just scooping water out of a ditch, going delicious.

There was no puppies, Christopher.

You're afraid the Fizzy Drinks.

I'm afraid the Fizzy Drinks.

I read some reports about how they shrink the brains of mice and cause them to lose their sense of direction.

I've always had a bad sense of direction.

I can't afford to lose anymore.

And I thought, fuck this.

Because our usual order, not that we're sponsored by Barzanbrew, who refused to be associated with his name.

Mice brain shrinking.

Usually the order is full fat for me, sugar-free for you, sugar-free for you.

Yesterday at lunch, you switched to the fizzy water.

Yeah.

We can lay into any business we want.

No cunts advertising here.

Apart from HelloFresh, which I think I heard provides a fantastic service.

It's incredible.

And offer codes are available for 50% off the first week, 40% off the second week, and then 20% to talk about the third and fourth week.

Someone said they got an ad for BP on this.

And just to clarify things, I fucking hate BP and I think they're a monstrous evil.

Yeah,

yeah.

Mercedes-Benz apparently were advertising on the last one.

What?

Yeah.

Mercedes-Benz?

Did they not make the fucking Nazi cars?

But it's a bit like, it's a bit like, you know, when you tell your mum you're turning vegetarian at fucking 16 and they're like, tune, is that vegetarian?

Who the fuck that drives a Merck is listening to this?

A fucking gangster?

But it's three gangsters and anyway, they get fucking white jeeps, don't they?

The gangster demo.

It's your Landover Range Rover into it.

That's your

what is a Land Rover?

Like 60 grand or something?

Five, something like that.

Oh.

So a lot of football players drive them because, well, when they're giving them, but they're giving them because I'm giving them, they'll be like a a

company, like a garage,

like say like Shields Land Rover and they'll because they're really safe cars do you know what I mean like so if you could drive somebody would advise you you need to go and get one of them because they keep you safe because they're super safe but I think if you're just a mo

if you're scheming Glasgow dropping chantel off at school you don't really need a kind of range rover a voke

for driving about Glasgow do you know what I mean because how much of a range is it no No.

I was in Amsterdam there and they had these cars that were smaller than smart cars.

They were teeny, tiny ones.

They were like really small.

But how big did they look to you?

Yeah.

Also.

Had you been in a cafe before this?

No, no, I was sober as a judge.

And they were so small, and I was like, I would love that.

You could get parked anywhere.

But if you were in any kind of motorway, a hile-up scenario, you are.

Yeah, I'm getting kicked about like a can yeah isn't that what you want you want dead in a motorway crash you don't want to be fucking clinging on and fucking life support for three months and let's hope our listeners are not traveling anymore

on a Monday morning

fucking October in Scotland listen you've filled up your Mercedes-Benz with BP petrol and now you're crumpled

crumpled like a sling about to explore the crumple zone of your Nazi fucking death mobile

as weak as possibly.

Hello, Fritch.

I uh

fuck.

I

but I would just think, um, you know, I would like, but you would, you would die, wouldn't you?

I.

Aye.

But with regards to the just fizzy drinks, um, shrinking your brain, I just feel like I could do where we shrink.

Do you know what I mean?

I've shrunk mine quite severely now, so

try to outgrow it again.

No, just at least

the rate of shrink shrink would be good.

I want to have like a dinosaur brain, like a wee tiny pee brain, and just I think I'm getting there.

I would quite like to just get rid of the overthinking part of my brain.

That would be nice.

Oh, yeah.

Well, is that the brain that's also the sight the unconscious mind, the hidden hand of the unconscious, is what I was saying.

We see it at play.

I had this thought last night.

Obviously, all three of us are in monogamous relationships, right?

But if you

could have a romantic dinner with anybody

in the world, who would it be?

Fuck.

Okay, need to think about this.

What do you think, Frankie?

I don't want a romantic dinner with someone else now.

Oh, Jesus.

I don't want a romantic dinner with somebody else, but if you had to.

She will hate this.

She hates romance.

What?

Do you know what I mean?

Who's it going to be romantic with someone else shaddy okay shady

shaddy i turned on a dime

when you heard shady

it's anybody in the world

you know a polynesian chief do you know what me and shadow are gonna get on fantastic do you know what i mean also

i don't know if you've been watching the game

The game was in Channel 5, so you might have written it off immediately.

Yes.

But it was Robson Green and this other guy, Cat and Mouse.

Is the guy a serial killer?

Is he no?

And it's this detective who used to

pursue him, who's kind of losing his mind, going, is this guy's moved in next door?

The serial killer I was hunting.

But basically, there's a lot of homerotic riz between the two of them.

I think me and Robson Green

we could have a good romantic dinner.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

That's quite common, though, isn't it, with the old serial killers and the person hunting them?

Because it's a power play as well, especially if it's two guys.

It's a good show, by the way.

And Rogan Gain is actually really good.

Right.

He was really good in Lydia and the Blood.

He was really good in that.

That was fucking gruesome.

But it was he was good.

Who would you have dinner with?

I fucking have no idea.

You can have dinner with anybody.

I mean, I'd like somebody.

It's not a dinner party.

It's not.

I wonder what Hitler has to say to him.

It's just dinner.

I mean, I would really like to go for dinner with somebody that's going to eat.

Yeah.

You know, like if you go for dinner with somebody and they're like, oh yeah, I'm just a bit of a picky eater and you think, oh, for fuck's sake.

I think a romantic dinner,

I'd probably go Jillian Anderson.

Yeah.

She's not gonna eat.

You fucking kidding me?

Jillian's not packing it away.

I think so, but

I would just be like, I mean.

A hule or something?

I'd probably I probably I probably wouldn't eat looking at Jillian.

I'd just be like,

I'll have the katsu curry and my romantic button will have the hue.

Just a goblet of hue, please.

It's all the calories you need for homebody.

Fucking hell.

What is hue?

It's just a grew?

Of the rebranded grew?

It's just a sort of basic

repo man-style meal in a bottle.

It's fucking...

No.

But sometimes homeless people ask you for a hue.

They didn't still ask you for a hue.

Yeah, in Manchester.

It's like um I thought I was living in an advert.

I said, Do you want it in the name, mate?

And he went, um,

huel.

It's because it it lasts so long and it fits like um

homeless people used to ask you to get them like banana milk or chocolate milk and stuff because of the sugar and the kind of because it's so gloopy and they can kind of drink it through the day.

Oh,

okay.

So he was trying to get hue, get them a yazoo.

Homeless people back in my day when I was drinking, they'd always want to get a big bottle of Dondarios because it was the largest wine bottle that you could get.

It was almost like a litre or something.

It was a massive kind of liter of wine?

Yeah, but it was like really cheap.

It wasn't really cheap, but it was like mid-range, but it's massive.

And like people go, I can give that guy some money.

I saw him buying a fucking Dondarios.

You're like, no, that's so you get somebody's sleep.

Because if you turn up to someone and say a fucking litre of wine,

then you can stay on the couch.

Right?

Also, I hate people that give fucking homeless people stuff and then judge them.

And what would you, I mean, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

You're like, somebody's living in the street.

What does it fucking matter?

Do you know what I mean?

If you've decided to give them a couple of quid and they've decided to spend that on whatever, that's none of your fucking business.

They're living in the fucking street.

Get off the fucking case.

Stop being such a fucking judgy cunt.

There's there's my gospel today.

That's I fucking hate people doing that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't give them money, I just buy them the sandwich.

Fuck off

if you're going to do that, you've got to do both because people need money on the sandwich because they have needs and they know what they are.

Yep, yeah, and we all take drugs of various kinds, yeah, you know, nicotine, caffeine, things like that.

You can't be like, oh, he's gonna, he's gonna spend it on drugs.

See, if you were sleeping in the fucking street, would you not spend it on drugs just so that you can block out what's happened in your life?

Yeah, I used to have an old joke in one of the fucking DVD ones going,

Oh, I was going to give this homeless guy 20 quid and I thought, Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?

And I thought, no, so I gave it to him.

That was the case for a while.

But also, see the absolute Karens that say shit like that.

You know, that they're going home and tanning a fucking bottle of wine while they're cooking dinner.

And especially the more middle class there, they look down on fucking work.

You're like, fuck, man, you people are drinking hard.

Hard.

Wonder what it's like being a doctor and he's got a GP where you must just go everyone over 50 odd check the liver.

Like liver's bursting.

Yeah, it must be absolutely fucked up.

Liver's fucked.

Paul Satan.

When I was temporarily living in quite a posh part of the city, there was a couple of cafe bars and they would be busy from fucking two in the afternoon of people over the age of 50 just fucking tanning wine.

Just getting sizzled.

Just getting fucking sizzled.

Then you'd see them at 8 o'clock walking up the road with a yoga mat in a tracksuit.

And it's like they've been to yoga 1 till 2 or 12 till 1.

And then they've just went for fucking lunch and get absolutely fucked in wine.

What a life.

That's what I'm aiming for.

I'd love to be in my 60s.

Fucking

yoga mat, Dondario.

My bottle of Dondario.

I reckon there'll be other stuff by then.

Yeah.

New drugs, time drugs, all kinds of stuff.

Time drugs.

Fucking love that.

I'm going to smoke a big chunk of 19.

What a time.

What a time to be alive that would be.

I think I would like to I'm really angling to hang out with CMA at some point in my life.

Oh, yeah.

It's interesting we both picked singers.

CMAT or C-Mat's your romantic dinner.

Not my

time drug.

Yeah, well, we could all do a kind of like, we could have a long table with C-Ma, Jillian Anderson Shaddy and us.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's

a dinner party.

Yeah.

That's pretty much Gandhi.

And Andy Logue.

Not Gandhi.

Gandy Logue.

To be honest,

I think I prefer Andy.

Yeah, okay.

Talk to his about going to Montreuse as opposed to Gandhi.

Gandhi's not going to be an eater.

No.

More heal from me.

I seen a statue of Gandhi in Amsterdam.

And there's a kind of sculpture.

Well, the one in Manchester is terrifying.

Yeah.

It's like a kind of

not evil, but powerful menace and

giant.

Phase two Gandhi.

Yeah.

She gets health burned out.

He fucking increases to three times the size in his attacks.

Post-Hule.

Yeah.

Gandhi after Huel.

That's how they should advertise.

Gandhi plus protein.

Manchester Statue Gandhi.

Mecha Gandhi.

Did

you hear about the Riyadh Comedy Festival?

Yes.

Do we want to discuss this?

I think we should.

Did you get asked to do it?

No.

Oh.

I was hoping that you would have been

a wee story.

No, I didn't.

I'm not big enough, I would think, but also

don't fly, and I'm not evil.

Or not entirely, like, you know, chaotic neutral.

So, we should probably tell the listeners because it's not had a lot of coverage in the mainstream media.

It's almost like those comments are trying to keep quiet about it.

Wait, what?

So,

the Riyadh Comedy Festival, has it happened?

I think it has happened.

No, I think it's coming up.

It's coming up.

It's coming up.

And a lot of big, big, big name comics were asked to perform there.

So, obviously, they're not going to be making money off the ticket sales.

We're just looking at the Saudi government authority, whatever the fuck you want to call them.

It's what's known in the industry as a guarantee.

A guarantee.

Guaranteed by the might of a theological dictatorship.

Me and Christopher, at a level where we may get a fifty quid guarantee, guys.

These guys are probably getting about a million quid guarantee.

It has to be pretty hefty

to you know to justify doing it because it's not a good look.

But it doesn't matter how fucking hefty it is, does it?

It doesn't fucking matter.

It doesn't before we go any further.

Can I just say

we have all been a bit worried about getting Charlie Hebdoed in our Springburn-based offices

and so let's approach this topic with that in mind.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

So all the people.

North Glasgow.

Actually, record this in Cree.

Hi.

Hydro has a laser quest and a podcast in studio for a 60-year-old birthday podcast.

I just can't get that R Stewart name plate off the studio door.

That's the only problem.

That's it, exactly.

All the people that have been asked to do it are already fucking millionaires.

So it doesn't matter how heavy it is because how much more money do any any of them make?

Do you know who really wants a million quid though?

A millionaire, so he's a double millionaire.

Yeah, so who was in the list, Kevin Hart?

I'm fucking doing that now because I'm raging about it.

You, I mean, listen, we could easily get Dictionary Corner on the out of ten cats in the next seven, eight years if we play a card radio.

You're not making it out of ten cats.

Channel 40 will be here in fucking eight years' time.

Former sponsor, Channel 4.

That's why it won't be here.

It won't be.

Hello, Fresh, they're very reliable, aren't they?

That's what everybody says.

Well, it's like you know, it makes it easy.

We should stop because we're not actually even getting fucking sponsoring money from them.

Um, I had a bit in my show, but I mean, I'm not gonna go from this chat and some anecdote about having a HelloFresh box that went wrong, but

uh, yeah, not a lot of people people put in it.

And that's shiny.

You are so shitting yourself to talk about this.

You're just

swearing.

Fucking over.

Can I just say it's clearly not something you should be doing?

No, I'm not sure.

If you're going to a place where they're beheading folk and where homosexuality is illegal and all these kind of things.

I mean, come on to fuck.

Do you know the one that disappointed me most than any?

Fucking Bilbur.

Bilbur who stands and goes, you don't need to work for the man.

You don't need to fucking do this for the man.

You don't need to be a fucking prisoner to the system.

Saudi Arabia, you say?

But I don't like I don't judge people for that, I just I just think it's the capitalism poisons everything it touches.

Do you know what I mean?

At the point where you become big enough to play fucking Riyadh

Square,

then you are the sort of person who will fucking go and do it.

Do you know what I mean?

Cause'cause it's everything is like I mean, I stole this phrase from fucking it's called Matt Crisman, who talks about sopranos and he goes, It's great, but it's tainted tainted by its intersection with capitalism, and that's it.

That's everything, that's art under capitalism.

Any criticism of capitalism is consumed by it.

Some of those guys that I know are nice people, but you know,

there's a pull

when you get to a certain size and a certain level of wealth to doing evil shit because

you know it's facilitated for you.

And you've already made a hundred thousand compromises to get to that point.

Yeah, yeah.

And also, the argument will be: well, there's sports washing going on via Saudi, isn't there?

So why not entertainment washing?

Here's what I think is the more worrying thing, right?

Is if you think the general trend is going somewhere positive, you wouldn't do that.

Because you're like, I'm not going to do that because I'm going to get pelters.

I'm hoping to get whatever TV shows or tours or opportunities in the future that rely on decent people buying tickets or watching my show or whatever, right?

So this is a whole bunch of very clever people who've gone, no, it's not all going that way.

It's going the way of absolute fucking flesh-tering chaos, and I need some money to line my fucking punk.

Petrol pisses,

yeah, wow, and that's kind of worrying.

Do you know what I mean?

If we get, I think that's when we were talking about satire on the pod a few weeks ago, and it was like that thing of going, well, it's hard because you end up citing individual moral failings, but it's it's not that it's fucking um

this structural thing and and and that's kind of what you've got to get at you've got to get at what is the bigger picture then well the bigger picture is a lot of people have decided there's no woke dollars out there anymore and there's not likely to be for the rest of their career

that is genuinely one of the most depressing things

the great thing about hello fresh is it's straight to your door

you don't need to go to the shops you don't need to have the awkward interaction with your shopkeep a cardboard box shows up and it's full of onions and carrots and sachets of soy sauce.

Christopher's balls are shrivelled up talking about the Riyadh comedy festival.

No, listen, full disclosure, I'm doing a couple of spots out.

I'm doing a one-person.

It's called Here Comes a Guillotine.

They just like the name.

I said YouTube would be interested.

I've took the entire fee.

26th of October to

October the 9th in Boulevard City.

Boulevard City.

So we know that that's just a

sort of name you get in a computer game in like

Sims.

It's not a real place.

Well, it's not.

High Street Time.

Pete Davidson is doing it.

Yeah.

Pete Davidson.

Someone commented the fact that his fucking dad died.

Someone commented his dad died in 9-11.

He's got fucking Saudi Arabia.

He's working for the same government who killed his dad.

Fuck me.

That's when you know the fee's good.

When someone's dad's killers, you're ending up doing a corporate for them.

Imagine that's a Western.

You just track the fucking guy that shot your dad across fucking New Mexico and then do a comedy show for him.

That's fucking wild.

Right, so we've got Tim Dylan, Jeff Ross and Friends, Dave Chappelle, Gabriel Uglesias,

Omi Jalli,

Jim Owen,

Jessica Curson.

Wow, wow, give it all for the woman.

Fucking unbelievable.

You asked who was on it.

That's true, yeah.

Kevin Hart,

Aziz Ansari, Namish Patel, Christian DeStefano, Tom Segura, or Jesus man.

I don't know.

I'm just going through.

It's just all the kind of podcast-day American guys.

Bill Barr,

Whitney Cummings, co-headline Jimmy.

And Louis C.

Keith.

Co-headline.

Co-headline.

What the fuck are you doing?

Having like a light come on on one side of the stage, then on the other.

I mean, it's like you have to go.

Tuscany goes on last, I'd imagine.

Fuck.

Fucking get a man.

I'm fucked off with it.

I don't know.

Listen, we'll do another one next year and we can do that.

Jesus, man, boulevard city.

Yeah, I mean,

it's kind of what made me stop watching wrestling to an extent.

Have you stopped watching wrestling?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just too

openly evil.

What do you mean, like, too Republican?

Too, like.

Well, yeah, they were at the Trump inauguration, and then Trump was at SummerSlam.

So

they're kind of doing favours for each other.

And they've had maybe eight

gigs in Saudi Arabia.

There was one, they've done one in Saudi Arabia where they promised them the biggest Royal Rumble ever.

So usually there's 30 people in a Royal Rumble, and they put in 50.

And one of the Saudi princes asked for Yokozuna, the WWF champion from the 90s, who was like a kind of sumo wrestler.

They asked if he could be in it.

And they told him that

they didn't want to tell him that Yokozuna died in the early 2000s.

So he just got another fat guy and said it was him.

Wow, one of them.

That was enough for the Saudis.

So maybe that's what Jimmy Carl did.

Another haunted and trilogy stall.

Fuck, is that true?

Yeah, I mean, some of the stuff,

literally, the first event for WWE in Saudi Arabia was the same weekend that Jamal Khashoggi was beheaded.

And fuck!

They held.

I mean, I don't want to get it.

What a fucking incredible weekend of

in Riyadh, the duo with Arabia.

And

they literally kept the wrestler.

A lot of the wrestlers left WWE because they got kept on the runway that weekend for, I think, like four or five hours while Vince McMahon was like, we need paid for this.

And they were like, oh, you haven't done what you said you would do.

What happened to Vince McMahon?

Dead?

No, he's still alive.

He had his birthday party in New York last week, and they had a big party.

A lot of the wrestlers who had kind of distanced themselves from him were there and they were celebrating his life and stuff.

He's got a wee mustache now, doesn't look good.

The mustache,

I think, mustaches are quite questionable.

He's one of the least off-putting things about him.

Somehow, it's

sharing with his head.

There was a women's wrestler who went to Iraq and they'd done tribute to the troops, which was a kind of WWE show that was in a camp with all the soldiers around it.

Camp Bastion or something.

And yeah,

one of the female wrestlers got like horrifically sexually assaulted by the troops and they covered it up and then she killed herself.

Like it's absolutely some of the grimmest shit in wrestling.

I mean, people are like, I don't think it's right that the sports washing the World Cup, and it's like the rest of the football's got nothing on wrestling in terms of because it's fake, do you know what I mean?

So, you can kind of cover up whatever you want.

So, did any of those troops get done for that sexual assault?

I don't know.

That's probably one of the lighter moments of their tour, do you know what I mean?

Or he's going about killing civilians and literally, yeah, just mercenaries in the name of

fuck's sake.

See, these people you lose lately to like, particularly with the fucking Israel genocide and all that kind of stuff, and some artists you just go, I'm not fucking.

But it's never really anyone that would bother you.

Do you know what I mean?

You're like fucking lost Sarah Silverman and fucking Nick Cave.

It's not like fucking Tom Waits is a cunt or something.

I mean, I don't agree with that,'cause people would they generally said that Radiohead was the best band over like three

people

in magazines, clowns, people who write fucking magazines with Radiohead.

Radiohead were one of the the best bands of them.

I can't give up.

Radiohead, Nick Cave,

fucking.

Who's sitting actually even watching Sarah Silverman's special?

Just people who don't know what comedy is, basically.

And go, oh, she's a real pretty lady.

I remember when she was a guest and freaking Tigervack or something, right?

You know, just a complete fucking shit.

Same with Amy Schumer.

Yeah.

Same way Amy Schumer.

You're just like, fucking.

Wow.

Say something.

We're really burning a lot of bridges.

Yeah, fucking good.

What bridge did we have to Nick Cave?

Do you you know what I mean?

It's a really unusual team-up with the podcast.

We're opening for the bad seeds on tour.

Can I just say, Nick Cave's always been fucking shite?

Yeah.

And his fucking novel was shite as well.

Do you know what I mean?

When a little man came in the middle of the night and stabbed a woman in the belly.

And people are like, this guy is the best singer-songwriter in the last 40 years.

It's like, he's a fucking old weird goth who lives in Brighton.

Get him to talk.

People who love it.

Other people do this well.

It's not like it's a unique thing.

You're like, Tom Waits does this like ten times better.

It's also not like

the fucking Nick Cave fans though treat him like he's Jesus, don't they?

They fucking obsessed with him and they're like fucking

he's a really good performer, you know, but not a really great artist.

No,

that's true.

Nick's Nick messages me sometimes.

Me and Nick are doing a two-hander at the Re-Id Comedy Festival.

Next change.

I'm quite gutted that Nick is now not coming to him in the Brighton Tour show.

He'd be up the fucking Riyadh Comedy Festival like a fucking rat up a drain pipe, man.

Fucking

now, welcome to the stage, it's Jeff Ross.

But to look at like people being fucking machine gunned in a queue for flour, like something you just couldn't have possibly fucking imagined the fucking sadism and horror of and go, those people still need my music.

Go fuck yourself.

Like, I think there's at some point, like, you know, before the latest fucking phase of things, where you can kid yourself and go, I'm just now really dead aware, or I'm a fucking stupid idiot artist, or whatever, right?

Before the point where daily, we're just fucking drone-striking, you know, kids,

you know, fucking journalists.

What about journalists and everybody?

Just went and fucking killed journalists.

Then they're like, oh, look at look at how

these journalists were killed.

And you were like, no, look at how Israel fucking murdered them.

Yeah.

Mental.

I mean, it was crazy when Nick Cave was talking about the queen dying.

He was like, she had a beautiful...

She had a beautiful charisma to her.

Hold on.

Nick Cave said that.

Yeah.

For fuck's sake.

Let me look up.

So disappointing.

He's a wank.

He's a wank.

What a big gothic wank.

Who else are we sending for?

Who else is on that bill?

I can't believe Nick Cave's making his stand-up debut at Boulevard Street.

New stuff?

Boulevard Avenue.

I'm just trying out some new stuff, you know.

This is about the devil and what he thinks of bourbon.

There's a man who lives on the moon.

He does heroin in the shape of a rabbit.

And a little man came in the pub.

What was I saying?

Nick Cave.

Real beef, Nick Cave.

I love this.

Nick Cave, the Queen.

Listen, I like the Mercy seat.

You know about Nick Cave.

You can listen to Johnny Cash version.

Yeah, I think, yeah, it's a bit better.

Nick Cave has denied being a monarchist, but he says he holds an inexplicable emotional attachment to the royals.

that was just the sigh of two fucking exhausted Republicans there just like oh fuck off you bootlicker I'm just gonna look up and see what Amy Schumer's been saying

what's gonna

she absolutely is cast into the fucking files of oblivion she

but she's all for Israel's military endeavors put it that way

Jesus

I mean, at least just shut the fuck up about it.

Do you know what I mean?

If you think a really horrible thing, at least just fucking shut up.

Just what the fuck, man.

Like, I don't know how you can watch any of that coverage and not.

And Cave was born and raised in Australia, but has lived in Britain for years.

In 2017, he was named an Officer of the Order of Australia.

An honour established by Elizabeth II.

Aye, which is basically just a bit of their honour system, so he's just part of the fucking establishment, isn't he?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that beyond the interminable but necessarily debates about the abolition of the monarchy, I hold an inexplicable emotional attachment to the royals, the strangeness of them,

deeply eccentric nature of the whole affair that so perfectly reflects the unique weirdness of Britain itself.

I'm just drawn to that kind of thing.

the bizarre, the uncanny, the stupefying.

Just a fucking monarchist try to make yourself sound sound interesting.

Off you go, you know, prick.

If I want to listen to Australian music again, it will be in excess

and

called Burning Oil or something.

I think in

Burning Oil?

In Excess Kick is a fucking great album.

Him and Paula Yates interview on the beds in the big breakfast.

Apparently, Mr.

Paula Uates at the time was in the gallery watching that live on TV.

Cook?

So, no, no.

Wait, what was was happening?

So, basically, right, so you know Paula Yates?

No,

I know Yates is the publisher related to that in any way.

Jesus.

I wonder if we make it into a legal mindset.

Oh, just stay there.

This bit.

We'll talk about it over lunch.

Who's Paula Yates?

Paula Yates was a TV presenter that started out in the tube, wasn't it?

She started out with Jules Holland.

Jules Holland, but she was married to Bob Geldoff, and then she went off with Michael Hutchins.

So a couple of kids to Bob Geldoff, had an affair with Michael Hutchins, had a kid with Michael Hutchins.

In bed on TV?

Well, it's just like they interviewed the morning to bed.

In bed, but there was this fucking sexual chemistry between them.

He was quite a sexy guy, wasn't he?

He was kind of a rock star, leather trickery.

The Robson Green of his day.

Not like Mr.

Jerome Flynn here.

Maybe if you and Robson get together in an art way, we could get to meet Jerome Flynn.

And he could, he could do his, he could do us.

He could do our own sleep recordings

the sleep recordings for his personal sleep recordings oh wow I think I'm his natural piece I know what's his voice like

velvet

hi I'm Jerome Flynn spell that yeah okay this the titigawa tree that grows from the northern rocks of the Real Ed Comedy Festival

he's not doing that he's a good

stand-up debut do you know what they do when they're beheading you?

No.

They walk behind you and they give you a wee pick with a sword in the small of your back so that you go, oh, what the fuck was that?

And as your head comes up,

because you kneel down like that, thinking they're going to do you that way.

But it's actually a

horizontal swipe.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

It's called something like the executioner's moment or something.

You have to be very quick to.

What about the fact that they were like, oh, this stoning's a bit dated, isn't it?

How will we update stoning?

They brought in fucking JCBs, so they just put people in holes and dropped fucking rocks on them.

Really?

Because they dropped a wall on a guy one time.

He'd paralyzed someone and they just exploded a

wall onto him.

What do you mean?

That's what exactly that.

Exactly what I just said.

They put him on one end of a wall, blew it up, and it fell on top of him.

Because he meant you paralyzed someone and therefore we're going.

It didn't seem coming shit.

Yeah.

So they used to do the stoning.

Yeah.

Like the life of Brian.

Yes.

And then they were like,

this is a bit, we can do this much more quicker and efficiently.

What we'll do is we'll dig holes, put the person in it, get a GCB, somebody drives over and just puts fucking rocks on top of them.

That'll be it.

Yeah,

saves you the burial.

Also, there's the thing with the guilt, the people that stone them.

Do you know what I mean?

Now you've just got one blank-eyed GCB driver.

Like in the war, one person had a a wax bullet, supposedly.

So you could always go, Maybe I wasn't the person that shot them in the fire.

He's going, you can't really give someone a fucking rubber

GCB.

Yeah, a rubber GCB.

They're the pure point of Saudi Arabia.

But maybe, like, if you added a few quiddon, like the likes of Jim, I'd be happy to go and bed some kind.

Probably.

Or do five minutes in front of it at least.

He doesn't pick them in the back, he just makes that laugh, and they go, Who the fuck's laughing like this?

Need does a big shotgun after.

Move off career-limiting beefs.

Oh, I had a thought that's kind of related to this topic, actually.

Have you got a beef thing you want to talk about?

No, I was wondering where you want to go for lunch today.

Oh, yeah, we need to get to lunch soon.

But I was in

Wings in Edinburgh, chicken wing restaurant.

Great choice.

And

in the last year or so, they've added a new item to the menu, which is the spice bag.

The Irish takeaway phenomenon of the spice bag,

which if you've not had that, it's a little bit like what you would order here, salt and chili chicken bowls or salt and chili chips.

but instead of decanting that from the pan into or the wok or whatever, into the styrofoam box, they put it in a bag in Ireland.

It's a kind of

tin foil lined bag and it's like really hot and steamy.

And the steam inside kind of softens everything and it becomes quite juicy and delicious.

It's very similar to salt and chili chicken, but it's unique in its own way.

And it's served in the bag in the Irish way.

And I think this is because of Palestine.

The kneecapification of

because Ireland's one of the few countries in the Western world that's went, we are against this genocide.

Ireland has become

much cooler than it was maybe 10 years ago.

Do you know what I mean?

But what's that got to do with Spice Pranks?

It's an Irish, that's an Irish dish.

So, Irish culture has become, you see, kneecaps selling out places all over the world, it's because people want a way to be able to, obviously they're good artists and stuff, they have the good film, but it's because people want a way to go, no, I disagree with this genocide that my governments and my cities come with.

So, I've got that bit.

Yeah, and I've got the spice bags over here.

What's the connection?

That's an Irish dish.

I know.

So, Irish.

I think Irish dishes is regular.

That's why they have fucking cocan.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

I don't know.

Is a spice bag an Irish dish, or is it just like Irish inventing where they're taking food from another culture and spices from another culture?

you think in Beijing they're having spice bags, Susie?

No!

I don't know if I think an island is a culture.

Can I just also say the spice bag predates kneecap?

Of course it does.

So you could say the spice bag has created kneecap if you wanted to.

I mean, it's as valid as the point you're making.

Ha ha!

I'm talking about the kneecapification of culture and how modern Irish culture is going to spread all over the world because it's the only never mind your fucking fucking James Joyce, it's the kneecapification of Irish culture.

If you can look at the charts for Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce and the increased

sales of spice bags across the world and it's interesting because we already have our own tradition of

the munchie box.

Are you familiar with the Munchie Box?

Yeah, I'd say it's got absolutely nothing to do with fucking Louis Capaldi, though.

Do you know what I mean?

That's it.

Because Louis Capaldi's yet to make a statement on the ongoing.

He's got other things in his mind.

He has got other things in his mind.

He gets a pass.

Do you know what I mean?

Of course.

Listen, I'm not attacking Louis Capaldi.

I'm just saying.

Fuck, I think

that it's related.

I would say that given that Ireland suffered a famine so horrific that 25% of its population went throughout the world, I would say that Irish culture throughout the world happened before kneecap.

I'm not saying it didn't, I'm just saying because it's cool to be Irish just now.

And you'll see things in our culture coming through

in strange ways.

It's a hot take.

It's like

it's like something blind blind boy would say after he got hit by a lottery.

That's the niche and culture that I think I can fill.

I can be a blind boy for people with head injuries.

Fucking hell.

Listeners,

I

don't know what to say about this nonsense.

I'm insane.

Live pod in Saudi next year

outside the festival.

Do you know what I mean?

We'll do it for free.

We'll do a bucket show.

Yeah, with my fucking head in the bucket.

We're taking a ginger, a gay, and a wee guy is Saudi.

What could go wrong?

A wee guy with a head injury.

A wee guy with a head injury.

Fucking hell.

Listen, we're going to get a lot of people in the comments going, Christopher, wow, what a great thought take you've made there.

I really agree with you about how Ireland is

on the global stage right now.

Never mind all the fucking art that came beforehand.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

I just doubt very many people who get into that bit.

It's a lawyer.

I think the lawyers.

The lawyers will get there.

Aye.

Already

quit their job.

But yeah, that was my excellent.

It made me hungry anyway.

Oh, you want to get some spice bags then?

Aye.

I'm in the middle of spice bag.

If we can do it in 40 minutes, I think we can be back.

No, No, we're fine.

Aye, we're fine.

Let's do it.

Okay.

You all have a great weekend.

That'll be a great 25-minute episode once all the

trail stuff came out.

It'll go straight from me paragliding with my dad over the Black Sea to

Spicebacks.

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