One-Step Away Cuckoldry

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Yeah, I was gonna, my

landlord was like, you know, I think if you

tidied up in here, there'd be less mice and things like that

the person that owns the property who's like if you maybe keep my house clean and tidy there wouldn't be as much

have they got a pest control person out no

they don't know about the mouse I don't tell them about the mouse it's none of their business

I just want to keep it

I just want to keep them out my life, I'm out their life until we end the contract we've got.

I don't want them coming around fixing stuff, making sure the fire alarm works.

I've got an interest in that.

But they have to do that shit legally.

Legally, yes.

But this is Christopher's law.

Also two parallels to our own contractual situation.

Exactly.

I want a less fair attitude to landlordism and just let us kick about in the filth.

And then I'll, you know, eventually it'll end and something else will happen.

Listen, lads, I've got some big news.

I never even knew this thing existed.

My girlfriend has just messaged me saying we have been invited to the hospitality at Camelin Juniors.

This is Andy Logue territory, right?

But wait for it.

You can get a steak and buckfast pie.

Have you ever heard Andy Logue's just about to come in as if summoned by the name of a Scottish junior football team?

Andy, Camelin Juniors.

This is your superpower, Andy.

This is your autism, man.

You beat Wigton and Banduck in the preliminary rounds of the Scottish Cup 11-1.

Wow.

This is amazing.

Get yourself on fucking massive combos.

Where I'll be offered a steak in Buckfast Pie.

I'll tell you, I have had a Buckfast Pie.

I had a Buckfastie Duck Buckfast Pie.

I used to run a gig called Day of Jess.

Hot on Duck?

Duck.

Duckfest, yeah, that's what it's called.

Were you on the naming committee for the...

I just felt it was so blindingly obvious.

Have you ever seen any of my work?

It was Duck Fest.

It was Buckfest Duck.

And it was...

Did you ever do this gig?

I mean, I only ran for three weeks.

And then I was in Canada for two of those weeks.

I wasn't really the best host or anything, but it was

Pie and Ale Houf, it was called next to high street station, kind of short-lived pub.

And uh, the comedy was in the same night as the darts meetup.

And the darts was bringing in more punners than the comedy was, as it always will, so yeah,

yeah.

It was uh, they had

they paid the headliner and the compere,

who was usually Roscoe,

but um

I they had a full they had nine different varieties of pies, and they were all kind of artisanal pies, and one of them was the duck fast pie.

I mean, a steak in Buckfast Pie, that's pretty much gout, isn't it?

It's just like they'd be as well just calling that pie gout.

But it's you that's been invited specifically, and neither Christopher nor myself.

No, no, it was via.

It was via my girlfriend, my girlfriend, it was via my girlfriend and someone that she works with.

So, I'm very, I mean, I'm excited.

I think we should all go as a team.

I think you'd be a fan.

You're the ambassador for the podcast, Eric.

We would bring down the vibe.

Vibe, bring down the vibe for the duckfast.

That's fine.

I can't really see Christopher at a junior football game, can you?

Um, possibly running the line,

yes, yeah, water boy or something, you know, magic sponge, a magic sponge is that it's like if someone's injured, it's now a spray, is it magic spray?

Yep, Thor now does that for a grassroots football team.

He runs out and sprays a cold spray or a warm spray on you, depending on what he judges you need.

Was Thor not the manager?

No, no, Thor's like doing some sort of coaching badge or something.

So he goes along to these games, occasionally sprays children

with Ral Jacks and offers some, I guess, feedback or something.

Great, cool.

Maybe we should get some feedback off of him here.

He could coach us.

Sometimes in the post-lunch episodes, I could do with somebody just spraying me in the face

as he attempts to become a volleyball coach.

Is that what his plan is?

He's talking about going into astrophysics.

That's a challenge.

Right,

that's a change.

That's a change.

Tell him to just stick to volleyball.

Astro fuck's sake.

That's a cool thing to do.

It's fucking...

That is graft.

Why?

Just get a job.

He's already had this speech from, guess who?

You.

Yeah, well.

You said don't go into astrophysics.

No, I've said, I've said it looks like a lot of work.

You don't

some of the dossier

media/slash arts-related courses you could possibly be doing, meeting people, having a good time,

producing an essay on taxi driver once every three months, rather than understanding the nature of reality.

You're scared to have a suskin in your own house.

Well,

you know what?

Looks like old Leonard has put a lot of fucking work in.

mean, I'm just saying there's easier lives out there.

He likes sport, right?

Just go and work in fucking sport.

That's easy.

It's reasonably well paid.

All the sports stuff, though, is you're doing data, boring.

Or you're doing some kind of like fucking injury management.

Maybe you're essentially a doctor of some sort.

Or events, you know, so if you see the different types of sports uniques, one of them is just pretty much, you know, you'd work for fucking arsenal or something, but you'd be putting on on events or doing corporate promo or blah blah but it's essentially that it's it's kind of a corporate pr

rescue for

six criminal fucking strikers and i see this he was a central midfielder in arsenal's case

i see this as somebody who is into astronomy right i still go fuck astrophysics at university sounds fucking turgid and do you know why it's not even the coursework it's the fucking people that are going to be in that course with you.

That's true.

You're not having a fucking wild night out with them.

The astrophysicists, come on.

I had a pal who'd done aeronautical engineering.

Then he became, I think he got his degree.

Then he became a polis.

Then he went mental.

Became a

change of heart.

He's got an end to this.

Going mental and a change of heart are the same thing.

Exactly.

But it's seen through different lenses.

He had a change of heart.

He went to work with that.

Not as a butcher, but as a meat salesman.

And I think he still does that.

It's just a guy in the back of the bus, innit?

With a legal arm?

No, he has a stall.

A stall.

The difference between butcher and meat salesman is a fine

line.

Well, a butcher butches.

Oh, I'm with you.

I understand it.

Nah, you're not going to get the university experience for the astrophysicists.

These are the very points I've made.

But, you know, the boy

has his own.

The youth is wasted on the young, isn't it?

If you could go back and go to uni again, what would you study?

Oh, yeah, like media or something.

Those people that are just doing an essay on,

you know, fucking Todd Solins or something.

You just kind of like, fuck's sake, I had to read all of Pamela.

Before they started writing a fucking essay, you're just absolutely winging it.

Yeah.

Who's Pamela?

It's the first, some people would say the first novel, but it's like an epistolary novel, so it's done in the forms of

an exchange of letters.

Oh, okay.

And features the anti-hero or antagonist, Lovelace,

who rapes Pamela we've left to believe.

Yeah.

And is killed by her brother in a duel.

Spoilers for the

18th century novel, Pamela.

Spoilers for Beowulf.

If you could go back and study, so would you go?

Would you go?

Would you do studying or would you go?

Did you do study to get it?

No, I've never done

uni.

Well, I well, I came out and I was papped at the hoose winter.

So

and I had to go and live with my nana.

So you can't really go to university and study when

you're in the 90s.

I

told you what to do.

Right, if I went young, if I went like 17, 18, I would go media and just have a lovely time, meet all the nice lesbians, it'd be great.

If I went older, I'd probably do like

politics and sociology, just stuff I'm interested in.

There'd be lesbians in that as well.

Aye, but know the right type of lesbian, Christopher.

They're like the lesbians that are reading Pamela.

That is, do you know what I mean?

What's this?

They are Pamela in a different way.

What type of lesbian are you keener on then?

Ah,

just one that likes a laugh.

They're fucking hard to find my generation of laughy lesbians.

They're quite serious.

I'm no into the kinda.

So there used to be a pub called The Whistlers' Mother.

Do you remember this in Bowers Road?

And there used to be like a lesbian fucking meet up there where they would listen to

they would they would talk about folk music and poetry and I genuinely wanted to stab myself in the face at the very thought of it.

There's a hillwalky element, there's a kind of knitted element, there's a

you know, farmer's market

of a lesbian.

Aye, that kinda

it's a class hang on to it.

Oh, aye.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I mean, there's a whole old-fashioned chunk of classism and lesbianism, and you know, that's probably why most of my audience isn't fucking lesbians.

I don't hit that class bracket.

Well, some other Oxbridge/slash Glasgow University, your daw is a lord type lesbians do.

But I'm quite happy with that.

This week it's possible, but I think of Scotland.

Some people think I'm a wee guy.

So I think

green goblins.

I think for me,

it's

so much needless stray bullets that fired on this fucking boy.

They are never fucking needless bullets.

But I do think there is a big kind of class issue there.

But also, I find that a lot of those more

hill walkie-type artistic lesbians are very

anti-men.

And I don't like that either because I don't think we should be a separate community.

I think we're all one community in the same sense that, like, I believe that the trans community are part of the LGBTQ community, whereas you've got the fucking

turf bastard lesbians that are willing to make lives miserable of people in the trans community, and they're they're a fucking disgrace.

So, there you go.

There's another fucking rant, which is also part of a class thing.

I mean, I've fucking don't know, we've probably talked about that before, but it seems to me it'd be a a class thing on survival as well.

TERFism,

yeah.

But I think we haven't actually done an episode on that, have we?

Meh, I think it's like

we did discuss the kind of class nature of J.K.

Rowley and

Joanna Cherry, who's a KC.

Yeah.

You know, KC and was more.

I'm sure she fucking moaned about how she took a pay cut to be an MP.

Like, nobody I should be a fucking MP.

Nobody I should stand.

You're lucky I'm here.

I should be making millions.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would love to have went back and done a kind of sillier course and just kind of talked shite.

But then that was the path that led me here to talk shite here.

So, yeah, we should all fucking go back and be like a Rodney Dangerfield.

I'm gonna have just fucking love dangerfield.

I just I well, you were saying you would maybe go back to Glasgow Uni and do that fantasy course.

Yeah, I think my degree is not good enough to get me on it, like to do an MA, really?

Do you know what I mean?

Because I was an alcoholic,

but I do read a lot of fantasy.

I write some fantasy as well.

I don't know.

Maybe you could just write a book and hand it to them and go.

Here's my degree now.

It's been published.

I just find I'm like likely to find life too busy in the next few years now.

Yeah, yeah.

I would like to get to that point where I could just go and do something like that, though.

Where I'm just sitting, I'm going out, I've got some money in the bank, and

my house is paid off, and everything's going to be okay financially.

I'm alright, so I'm just going to go and do a wee bit of studying and do a wee bit of thinking.

That would be nice.

You would be good at it as well.

I think so.

The classids would just start too early for me.

You'd shit yourself.

Oh, is he here for the seminar?

Oh, God, no, he's in.

Fucking smell him.

It's the guy.

He's like pig pen for penis.

I would like that.

It'd be nice to be the old person in the room going, I thought you'll find that didn't actually happen.

I hated the mature students when I was a student.

Bet you did.

These fucking old bastards showing up.

I like putting their hand up, answering questions when you're supposed to just go,

okay?

They come with baggage.

But you get a good one.

Like, on my course was

Elaine C.

Smith's auntie,

who was, I guess, in her 60s or something, but she did a Dickens module with me.

Wow.

And something else.

Why is it just getting to a point in your life where you're like, do you know what?

I'm going to go and read some books about that and fucking develop some thoughts and all.

I wish I'd done an English course instead of a journalism course.

Yeah.

Maybe I would have stuck in doubt it.

I would have been mentally anyway.

It's a lot of fun.

Even now, man, I just enjoy reading a book and having my own thoughts about it or putting some shit up on Instagram or something.

About Tom Waits.

About Tom Waits.

I couldn't get to sleep at night.

I did this gig down in Manchester, so I just came back from Ireland and it was a fucking massive journey.

Knackered, but the next day I had to go straight down to Manchester to do one of these tent gigs.

Showbiz, guys.

This is fucking showbiz.

As I've mentioned before, I've done about a dozen gigs in tents this year.

They have comedies.

They've really been doing tents.

It's a bit like, you know,

Buffalo Bill ended up doing a circus show about the Wild West in Glasgow.

Yeah, so it's like I'm going, this is what it was like when I was a comedian.

I'm in a tent and I'm kind of a freak, right?

And

so I go there to do that and I'm fucking knackered.

I've been on holiday, not done a gig for a month, and I've fucking travelled for like 15 hours or something, right?

And

I'm like, fuck, how am I going to sharpen up for this show?

So I just get about four cups, four spoons of instant coffee.

And I put it in a

thing, right?

And I have a massive kind of instant coffee.

I go on, great gig, right?

Wonderful gig.

And nowadays, in these outdoor gigs, because in this one, the tent's just for the performers.

You've got to hang me.

So if it rains, we're all fucked, right?

But I'm like, there's dry ice over here.

I need to move over the other side of the stage.

So I do a joke up here.

Then I'm like, they're fucking pumping out both sides.

I keep walking about, and then I see these clouds are kind of moving beautifully over the crowd.

It's vape smoke.

And it's all this beautiful kind of like mist kind of across the audience.

It's like, this is perfect.

I kind of see their faces at the back.

This is just beautiful.

Yeah.

And

had a beautiful gig, but couldn't sleep then.

No, I didn't.

Wow.

You had a quadruple espresso, you couldn't.

So I stayed up and wrote a textual analysis of Tom Waits song.

People loved it.

Well, it's...

Well, I'm positive feedback from Tom Waits dissertation on your Instagram.

Well, you know what?

You quite mix it up how many people on their toes.

You could just have gone out and played the PlayStation, man.

You know, it was in a hotel, or is it this like

neo-would you call it like a fucking

when it looks like a factory?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's all exposed and all that, yeah.

Post-industrial, post-industrial hotel.

So

Nace Cafe

and Tom Wait.

A really high-pressure gig.

Fuck's.

Yeah.

This doesn't sound pleasant at all.

I've done a comedy gig in a tent, and the stereo MCs were playing fucking connected in the background, and I literally just spent 20 minutes shouting myself.

It was great.

Was it Lilithgo?

Yeah.

It was one of the worst days of my life when I did that gig.

It was the other year.

That wasn't even this year.

You're still hanging on to that.

I don't think you're in a good headspace, pal.

Yeah, I think, I think, after what came after that

explains an awful lot, my friend, about that gig.

I think that was two years ago.

Ah,

that was a rough one.

Could you just hear the bow?

It was rainy, and somebody was wearing a sombrero, and the sombrero filled up with rainwater and poured out over.

And I'm supposed to be doing stand-up to these people when their sombreros are filling up with water.

I don't know.

That's not the gig.

That wasn't the gig.

That was.

That was the

one with this.

I know, it was.

Moreover, there was a sombrero filling up before.

I do not remember that gig.

I don't even remember it raining.

It was wet.

Fuck.

We were all doused.

Doused?

Who knows?

They'd accidentally started the gig an hour before the, like, it's not called a menu, but it was the thing for the festival.

The festival menu.

The festival menu.

The bell?

The bell, yeah.

They said the deck would start an hour later than it did, but he was booked in for us, so he'd done like an hour of MCN at the start, which is just what he had to do.

Then, you know, you don't want to be brought onto a gig an hour and 20 minutes in to a section, I would say.

For anybody who's doing any kind of events planning out there,

that's not how I would do it.

So I did struggle.

I was hungover.

What you need to do, mate, get some nes caffeine.

Four heaped spoonfuls.

You shouldn't even have watered it down.

You should have just snorted the big line on Escafe and just.

Kerry Pitcher McLean was going, so we're going to have your headline act, Frankie Boyle.

And obviously, I fucking run out

because I'm fucking jangling.

He's wearing a cardigan, and she mocked me.

It's been like kind of confused, old granda.

But I think.

Not everybody can wear sequins, Kerry.

Yeah, I think not everyone can carry it off, to be fair.

Who was the MC?

Kerry.

She's great.

Kelpie.

I feel the need to say I've done that Berwick upon Tweed fringe, not Berick upon Tweed,

North Berwick,

which I was informed on the way there, very different places.

Yes.

Berwick upon Tweed is in the borders.

Aye.

North Berwick is.

Just outside Edward.

Just outside Edward.

But also, it's a wonderful festival.

It's a great festival.

But remember when we've done the mailbag episode, sadly Susie Lisa episode, a mailbag episode, where we were talking about books for maybe 45 minutes in bookshops and stuff.

The lassie who sent in that letter came to the gig and gave me a painting of my favourite bookshop.

Yeah.

Because I'd said the wrong place.

I said, oh, it's the golden hair, the one at the top of Leithwalk, but it's actually toppings, I think it's called.

She gave me a wee, um, a painting of that.

It's quite a mistake.

Golden hair.

It's either called the golden hair or toppings.

Those are very different sounds.

Golden hair's in a different bit of Edinburgh, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was confused.

Different

some cracking bookshops in Amsterdam, I'll tell you that much.

English bookshops?

I was confused.

Sometimes I went into the wrong one.

There's one called like

what how'd you say black?

Schwartz and Veet.

I think one was called, and that was that would ended up being Dutch.

But there was one that was

at Waterstones there.

Oh wow.

Yeah,

was it nice?

It was great.

Amazing.

It's an oasis, isn't it?

When you're in a strange city and you see our Waterstones, you go.

Nobody's going to shout at me in there, probably.

They might double charge you for a cappuccino.

They might.

If you could get that in a German donor kebab house.

I don't like German donor kebabs.

I don't know why people say it.

I liked Donner House, which is not the German kebab shop place.

They're different places.

Are they?

Yes!

Donna House doesn't exist anymore.

That's closed down.

And there's a reason for that.

Because of our negative publicity for it, because it gave us all the idea.

Fucking terrible.

But it's gone now.

But German Donna Kebab is a different place.

GDK.

GDK.

Listed on

as the lowest rated of any high street takeaway across the UK.

250 grand is to get a franchise for that shit.

Absolutely.

We could all pitch interviews, won't you?

No, you're all right.

Okay.

We should franchise this fucking podcast.

There should be about four of these

all with different types of comics.

I would like to see the Dutch.

Here comes the guillotine.

Well, other countries, we want an all-gay one, an all-male gay, kind of camp one.

You know?

We want a camp.

If you fucking met you,

this is the gay one.

We want a straight one.

got to be just in your sense.

Father says.

What a hit.

We've got the English one.

That's Frank Skinner on the radio.

Well, you've already got that.

Yeah.

Frank Skinner.

That's a great podcast.

And Pierre Novelli.

Novelli.

Yes.

And, of course,

Emily.

Emily.

Dean.

Dean.

I think her name is.

She's very funny.

She's got her own podcast where you bring in your dog and you go for a walk with a dog and her and then you talk about about dogs.

Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice one, isn't it?

I was living with a dog during the fringe.

Stuart McPherson's dog.

What's it called?

Oh shit, I forgot the dog's name.

I was singing to it in French quite a lot.

Lucy and Bien.

Lucy and Bien.

Sophie.

That's Doug's a very West End dog, isn't it?

Mabby, maybe Dog to the East End.

If you were singing to it in French, you'd just fucking slap.

I've met baby.

Name Baby.

Another French name.

I never named the dog.

We adopted.

The dog was initially fostered, then adopted by me and my then-girlfriend.

Yes.

And now she's part of a blended family via collie dog called Strash.

Lucy and Bian.

Lucy and Bian.

I might play this to her.

Yeah.

Okay.

There's a lot of upbeat version where I go, Lucy and Bian Din Dina.

Lucy NB.

It's like a kind of Eurotrash.

High energy, Eurotrash remix, kinda Euro house.

Nice.

Didn't like that, kind of ran away and hid as if I was

scared in some way.

But

you thought about getting a dog, Frankie?

No, but my girlfriend very keen on cats.

So this morning we were looking at rescue cats and there was a three-legged guy and it was like he's pretty grumpy.

He has his grumpy days and I was like, I like the sound of this guy, you know.

But it's where I live.

It's quite cars are quite fast on the road and and this guy's got three legs.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not the first time.

I have an indoor cat, though, you know?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

But

I don't know, it's not a great house for that.

So, right.

See what happens.

Yeah.

I've never had a cat.

I'd just be scared they would bring you dead mice and things like that.

Oh, fuck.

But three legs would probably be right.

And your house, mate.

It would just be getting into the hole.

That's what you need.

Your cat would just be getting into the hole out of here.

There's another game.

It's like a buffet.

Wow, there's all types of stuff you can kill and leave in this.

Just through that little hatch in your wall.

Why did anyone?

It probably looks like a flap.

It just goes into a world buffet.

I don't know what that's supposed to be.

Why would there be a hatch?

Is it a vent?

Where is it?

Is it a hatch?

It's in my bedroom, near the internet stuff.

So maybe in the long, long ago.

But it's like a it's like a swiveling hatch and I've had to silly tape it shut because I've seen a mouse jump in there once when it was open I said right that's you

I like Tom and Jerry yeah just ran into them much like Tom and Jerry sometimes I get sleepy and I put matchsticks in my eyes to keep them open

like that episode

fucking hell that's one of the great episodes when he puts the matchsticks in his eyes to to keep himself awake and he draws circles on his eyes to make it look as

remember that really depressing cartoon Barney Bear Yes.

Barney Bear was always trying to get to sleep, but it was always noise and it was fucking losing it really big time.

Yeah.

And it was just really, really miserable.

Sleep is the biggest indicator of mental health, so if you play it.

You think Barney was having a breakdown and imagining the noises?

Is it that one where, like, I don't know who this Barney guy is, but

he's a bear.

I don't care what team he supports, right?

But

is it like

the dripping of the taps taps too loud and he's trying to fight?

Oh, there's a fucking chipmunk or something.

Woodpecker.

Yeah.

Woody Woodpecker maybe got involved.

Or soul.

I went to court.

Woody Woodpecker's an horsehole.

Just put him out there.

But try Woody Woodpecker.

Because he's laugh.

Just a fucking pest.

I mean, see, like, like, you say me to Sam, right?

You can relate to him.

He's like your dad, and he's just fucking a angry guy with a beard.

And then you've got uh

Marvin the Martian, sweet guy, deputy dog, Bugs, Bunny, Tom, and Jerry, all good, all good.

Okay, Woodpecker just fucking doesn't contribute anything.

Maybe sort of Danny Kaye.

Do you ever watch this when you watch Bugs Bunny?

Right, watch out for this.

Bugs has a sense of humour about Elmer Fudd and about most people he fucks over.

He's got a kind of wry,

you know, he's fucking way,

but he's not mad at you your samity sam he does not like one fucking bit really hates him and the mask drops and he does some really fucking horrible stuff to you samity sam he doesn't even really do a line at the end of it just like fuck you

i've not noticed that yeah check it out hi i went to a woody woodpecker theme park once

and wood and flip of intuner i believe

yeah

and um he doesn't really have the

depth to justify a theme park.

No, I wouldn't imagine.

You know, Mickey Mouse, say what you want about him.

He does have a bit of depth.

You know, he's been a club owner.

He's been a

steamboat captain.

He's been a lover.

A wizard's apprentice.

He's been a wizard's apprentice.

He's been so many different types of stuff.

Woody the Woodpeckers laughed and that's all he's got is pecking and laughing.

And you know, when you show up in the Chinese area of the theme park and he's sitting there with a wee Chinese hat on and a silk robe, you're like, you've never been to China.

You can't.

We make it.

I couldn't fuck someone that looked that like me.

Do you know what I mean?

Minnie Mouse.

Just like me, but with a pink bow on his head.

I used to go with Lassie, who's very much my Minnie Mouse.

Oh, we need to get into this.

You know, she was short and she was specky, and you she had that interesting haircut and stuff.

It was a great time, but you know, I don't.

How old were you?

23 or something like that, 22.

No, 21, 22.

I've not been out with a short, specky person in a while.

I would just find it difficult.

Do you know what I mean?

People accused us of being related to fairly often.

We're not.

No.

We were not.

I've never

had an ancestral relationship in my puff.

I think your own relationship with yourself, if you're healthy, is a complex one.

You see yourself as having strengths and weaknesses.

So it's hard to really

fuck yourself.

Do you know what I mean?

Because you're like,

I know what this person is like.

You need to have some mystery.

Some mystery, really, to get going.

If you're going to spend years with somebody, you need to kind of...

have an onion to peel away at.

Whereas Mickey, he's got to write down the bottom of that onion.

He's fucking ramming it nightly.

Her voice wasn't even high to begin with.

No.

He, uh, I mean, we're not crossing out the potential that

semi-pac-man as well, Miss Pac-Man.

It's just him wear bow.

But I think that's a trans thing.

Right.

Yeah.

What?

I think Miss Pac-Man is just Pac-Man.

Trying to.

At a later stage of life.

Yeah.

I don't think it's...

You never see them together.

Yeah.

There you go.

Fair.

Maybe pills or maybe hormones.

For fuck's sake.

Oh,

fucking hell.

That's funny.

Oh, I don't know if that's going to get kidded.

If we did dream with Pac-Man.

For fuck's sake.

There's a new serious version of Pac-Man where you're you're like a guy with a sword and shut up.

Pac-Man's like a wee.

You get this thing called Puck that's a kind of god trapped in a wee disc and you need to chase these celestial ghosts and it's like a grim and gritty reimagining of Pac-Man that's come out this year.

Oh wow.

That's not something the world needs.

No.

Do you know what I want to come back?

That game it was called something like Golden Sword or something like that and you were like a dwarf.

Golden Axe?

Golden Axe.

Yeah.

Yeah they should do that.

The Sega Mega Drive.

They should do like a PlayStation, like a modern version of that.

Kind of what Elden Ring is, isn't it?

You're not a dwarf.

You can't summon.

Well, you can summon Lightning.

Elden Ring's no 100 miles away for Golden X.

I'm playing a game called Silk Song just now.

This is the hot new game.

It's a sequel to Hollow Night,

which is a you're a wee bug trapped in a kingdom where gods

the radiance has granted the bugs sentience.

But then because the bugs now have sentience and free will, they've chosen to worship a big worm that showed up and gods kind of went, Well, if you're going to be like that, fuckies, and then kind of became a kind of corrupted version.

But they've trapped the radiance inside this figure called the Hollow Knight, and then you're

you need free it and defeat it basically to free this world.

But now there's a sequel where you're a kind of anti-hero called the Hornet, and you're living in another bug world, basically.

So, so that's what I was doing for five hours last night in my pants.

Nice, it was amazing.

I have absolutely nothing to add to that.

Yeah, it's fine.

I just let you boys get that out of your system.

Just leave you to it.

You've been playing the Switch at all.

I've got it, and I just need to set it up.

Because sure, I got keys to the house the Monday before Edinburgh and then fucking came back to Edinburgh and had to unpack everything.

So

nearly there.

Probably I just need a week, couple of days to myself just getting it sorted then and have my PlayStation Management

too because I bought this.

You got a PS5?

Yeah.

Wow.

I'd love a PS5.

I don't get one for Christmas.

Treat yourself.

You've had a good fringe.

It was okay.

Treat yourself.

Mine's was a Christmas present a couple of years ago, to be fair.

Yeah.

No, a birthday present actually.

I treat yourself.

You play rent and just dreaming of golden.

I'm watching watching Real Housewives in Beverly Hills on the nightly from the original.

From the start point.

And how's that working out for you?

Good, I'm enjoying it.

You know what?

I've got all kinds of psychoanalysis to offer of the regulars.

Who's like the most compelling figure?

Oh, LVP.

LVP?

Lisa Vanderpump.

Oh.

What a name.

Yeah.

She's like this,

I guess, English socialite from back in the day who would have been kicking about in the 60s, but now she's this terrifying Joan Collins-ish restaurateur

in Beverly Hills.

She's very entertaining.

She's got patter, she's got lines,

and the rest are a bit of a fucking patter vacuum.

So they're kind of tranity, be funny or whatever, but she nails it.

She is funny.

Yeah, she's good.

When you said the L V P Man, for some reason, my brain went to Leo Vane Van Pronkhorst, which is not a person or a name.

What the fuck?

Oh,

fuck's sake.

Where does it go?

Did more people come in?

Did people die and leave?

No, they get sort of auditions.

So they go, oh, we've got a fucking games night.

with the ladies and obviously they don't know each other that well I guess at first so just a bunch of like Frazier's wife is in there oh divorced by Frasier at the end of the first series.

Fucking wasn't him.

Oh, it's like his wife in real life, Camilla.

I see.

See the one for cheers.

Oh, you thought Lilith?

Aye.

So I thought, right.

She's

incredible.

Anyway, they build it back.

Lilith?

Yeah.

Wilt.

Have you seen the episode where she's wearing this women's costume?

Mate, I remember her being in cheers.

She was stunning.

Lilith?

Lilith?

That's a bit of mini-mousing from you.

I wish Lilith was my mini-mouse.

But yeah, so they basically they'll get an unacceptable person to come along to their fucking charity auction or something, go, this is Brandy or whoever, right?

And they'd be a fucking complete nightmare.

But basically, it's the producers auditioning people for conflict.

Because as the series go by, they get to know each other better and there's less.

So they go, oh, here's fucking so-and-so, and they're a fucking complete pain in the earth.

And they get something to attack, right?

So it's a bit like that, so it does change gradually.

And the last series, it has like Denise Richards and stuff like that,

and L VP's long gone on to Vanderpump Rules.

Which is a whole different thing.

Isn't that what that is?

Yeah, so Vanderpump Rules is the show about

a reality show about the bars and restaurants run by the Vanderpump family, which is L VP and her

hard-pressed husband Ken,

who just carries these dogs about all the time for her and stuff like that.

No, he's a strong cuck energy.

Right.

And she has a living gay at first.

Just a kind of pet gay who really annoys Ken.

And there's some conflict around that.

But a lot of it you feel is kind of semi-staged.

Why does he annoy Ken?

Just that he lives in their pool house for about a year,

camping it up.

And Ken's a bit like, couldn't you fuck off?

I mean, it's bad enough having a camera crew in your house for a year when you just want to chill out.

Never mind a living

homosexual.

Yeah.

But then also you sort of think maybe she got the pet gay for the show to create a bit of because she's got quite a good understanding of show business in the way that the others don't.

And she does stuff sometimes.

You go, that's good TV.

She plays the game.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's see.

What you've been watching on you've been watching anything on TV?

No, I haven't actually.

I've not seen anything.

I've not been watching anything because I've genuinely just been emptying boxes.

That's it.

I've not been doing anything.

I've got a list of prompts.

Not prompts, but just ideas I had to talk about.

That was where the catching up with pals.

I've been doing that.

Oh, yeah.

But imagine you look at your list and it's all the stuff we've already talked about.

Fucking Miss Pac-Man.

I'll tell you what, I was walking past the.

It's like new material now.

Let's have it.

I was what I was interested in this because I was walking.

I was walking down the Barton Road.

Or the Barton Road hadn't started yet, was the Argyle Street.

Yep.

And I was going past that new university building, the Adam Smith building, which is like a new one.

It's like got a tinder box in the bottom of it and it's just down there and uh an old eastern european man with a broken arm asked me if he could i could take a picture with him

like with the building but it was like a new but it was near like a tourist building but he went and i was like why does this russian guy or apology like some kind of former soviet country guy want to have a picture taken with adam smith and then at the fringe I was talking to this Lithuanian guy I know called Evaldus Carosis, who's a comedian.

And we were walking down, you know, the Edinburgh Stand.

You can kind of see Fife.

I was like, and if you look over there, you can see Fife.

And he was like, Oh, what's Fife?

And I was like, Oh, it's where a guy called Adam Smith invented capitalism.

And he was like, Oh, I'd love to go there and check that out.

And I was like, I wonder what Eastern European people's relationship with capitalism is like, like as an idea.

Do they like it and want their picture taken with it?

Well, my uncle, my godfather, actually in their lateies went to Moscow and it was like maybe 83, 84.

And he was sitting in like Levi jeans and stuff like that.

And people were trying to come up and buy it off from people with money in communist Russia because it was like, give us your tea, because it was like, we'll give you, we'll give you as much as you want.

And he was like, I have no other clothes, and you're fucked if I'm buying your clothes.

But it was a thing, that kind of ideal, that kind of thing.

And maybe, especially for the older Polish guy,

that might be a big thing because it was Adam Smith.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's like, fucking fucking that was the guy that that was the system I wanted to be part of.

But I mean, let me tell you, son, capitalism is fucked.

I just thought it was interesting.

It's beyond broken.

What do you think, Frankie?

Um, yeah, I think they sort of identified with in part consumerism or individualism, even if we could go further, yeah, um, against collectivism, um,

because to to some extent it hadn't worked out

and but it's also partly like um

just a rebellion against like what was been forced on them so we sort of miss out some of that in the west like one of the real reasons for uh glasnost and pestroika and all that was that they were going to uh

do this big kind of

um you know since the the start of russia it's always been underdeveloped and underindustrialized so one of lenin's things was called the electrification of the Soviet Union, right?

It's how do we bring ourselves up to speed.

They kind of knew the revolution would be futile because they were like, this needs to happen in an industrial society.

So Marx is writing about people organising factories.

So they're like, this needs to happen in Germany.

That's what they're thinking.

And how does this spill over into Germany and all that stuff?

So when the opportunity comes up for the revolution, they're like, well, either we do this and overthrow the Soviets or there's going to be a fucking military junta, which is probably what would happen.

so you have all that and that expresses itself before the end with this big thing that they came out with where they were going to like

you know build those loads of stuff like just create reservoirs like drown towns do all kinds of stuff because it's a huge command economy and i think part of it was that people went fuck we can't i do this we can't fucking keep going forward with this it's not working so there was this big kind of existential thing in the background as as well that prompted you know the changes in Gorbachev and all that kind of stuff.

Um, but part of that is like also about embracing individualism, so you know, wearing 501s, being able to buy whatever CDs you want, all that stuff that was about when um

communism ended.

Have you read that graphic novel

Persopolis?

It's about the lassie who grows up in the regime, but then she's in a communist country and people are sneaking in Michael Jackson albums and stuff, and Bruce Springsteen albums, and they're like, fucking yes, man.

But see, like, watching that, I mean, see, looking back now, I was obviously 10 when the Berlin Wall fell, but see, like, watching that, like, the queues for McDonald's and stuff like that, and that whole

it was like watching a totally different world, wasn't it, when the cameras went in, and even that kind of um autumn of 1989-1990,

because it it obviously it started in Romania, didn't it?

So it started in Romania, and then it got

and watching the kind of build-up to to it.

And obviously, you'd been seeing the news beforehand about Glasnos, Perestroika, Reagan, Gorbachev, Thatcher, like all of that, and the one thing.

And then watching it and showing you the pictures, and it was just like a different fucking world.

And we were living, like, you and I would probably both have been living in like 1980s, west of Scotland, de-industrialized, fucking heart-ripped out at levels of poverty.

And then you looked at that on the TV and you went, ah, it's fucking not that bad.

It's like everybody was fucking gender-neutral in Russia because fucking everybody was bust, weren't they?

There was, it just looked, everybody looked fucked.

It was a nice idea.

It's the thing of the thing that you try to ban is the thing that's going to

be currency.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It's look at fucking prison.

You can't keep heroin out of prison.

Don't look at drones.

Have you heard about the drone deliveries?

You heard about this?

Drones up the ass.

Yeah.

No!

I snuck it in, we can have a good day with the yard.

Just we drones going to the window, just going to the prison as well.

Your dog's ball thrower,

which was early technology.

Really?

Over a water.

Yeah.

Tennis ball.

If you saw a tennis ball in the fucking prison exercise yard, that was very probably

of a bus tennis ball filled.

Probably not a lot of people who were

playing a game just outside the walls.

I just thought they liked hacky sack and ballin'.

Yeah.

That's cool.

So now it's drones.

So the drones are just going up to the window and they can't do anything about it.

They can't fucking.

So if you can't do that and you've got a fortified fucking building with guards on it, how are you keeping fucking Michael Jackson's music out of the hole of like Russia across several timelines?

How are you open the full power of Quincy Jones' production techniques?

Haha.

Out of fucking hole.

Exactly.

What you do is like you kind of like

you fetishize and

empower the points of view that you want to exclude so the people who listen to the bbc world service aren't people in britain or no you know or you know british expats in france like you're people in iran or you're people in um you know moscow under gorbachev or whatever that's when you're kind of tuning into all this stuff so it's an interesting

an interesting thing i think culturally that you know the things that you try to push under it's like trying to push a push a thought under or a memory under those are the very things that bubble up yeah yeah

i like that mission in Red Dead Redemption 2.

We need to get your friend out of jail, so you get a hot air balloon

and you fly over the jail and you come down and he jumps on, he goes away.

That's a good mission.

It's nice.

Yeah.

Have you ever been to hot air balloon?

No, no.

This sounds like something you and your dad would have done, though, in the fucking

air.

Fucking holidays of death.

I want to get airborne, but I don't care where I land.

You know what I mean?

That's the hot air balloon.

You don't even like airballs.

I just want to know the starting point.

Like, where it stops, they're relevant to me.

You gotta just trust.

No, I don't.

I am not trusting a fucking basket and some gas and a big balloon.

Nah, fuck bomb.

They are beautiful, though, aren't they?

Yeah.

If you're not in one, fuck that, getting in a big picnic basket with a fucking cape on it.

Wear a bomb, basically.

Remember, they used to fucking release balloons with like tickets in them and stuff like that.

Like Blue Peter would release like 20,000 balloons and see which one got furthest and I'd be like that has killed generations of fucking sea life of gulls.

Yeah.

There's whole subspecies of shag that will never get to breathe.

It's Chinese lanterns because of Chinese lanterns.

Yeah I remember at school we released

loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of balloons and it was like maybe when I'll reach France or something

And then, in hindsight, it was a bit of a bit of ecological terrorism by a Garrettal Primary School.

For fuck's sake,

for comic relief or something.

Fucking Protestants.

Listen, it was non-denorm.

We were in the fucking church quite a lot.

I don't love fucking school that much.

A lot of Buddhists sitting there, weren't there?

Do kids, actually.

Yes, it wasn't just.

It was a mixed.

It was mixed.

I think more schools should be mixed.

As you know, no one has more respect for the Hindu faith and the Vedanta than me.

It's worth looking into.

Do you know what I mean?

What's the general gist?

We're currently in the Kali Yuga.

That's what we're experiencing.

Kali?

Kali.

Sort of.

Kali Yuga is the fucking age of pain and torment.

Right.

And it's only, good news, it's only got about 47,000 years left.

Fuck!

Then we're into the good stuff.

What's next?

Well, the Vedanta, at its heart, the Vedanta is the idea that everything is God, God is creation.

We're just one brain experience in itself.

Yeah, it's very Bill Hicks.

I don't think he ever knew about the Vedanta, but his philosophy is quite like Vedanta Hinduism.

Vedanta is like to Hinduism what Kabbalah is to Judaism.

I would like to see

Vishnu dressed up like Bill Hicks.

Jesus fuck.

With a leather jacket and the cigarette in every hand.

But Vishnu creates, Shiva destroys.

He would see himself more as Shiva, I'm sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Hicks would have done the Riyadh comedy festival.

Dennis Lady would have.

Dennis Lady,

yeah.

Oh my god.

Would you do the woodpecker?

I would do that.

Ah, fucking right, you would.

Him and Jimmy Carnes laughing at each other.

That was a good prompt.

That was a good prompt.

Was it it again?

I met an Eastern European man with a broken arm.

He asked me to take a picture of him outside a new building.

Always be wary of young.

Someone approaches you with a cast in their arm.

You know, it's Ted Bundy.

It's the classic.

Oh, Jesus.

The wounded bird.

Help.

Yeah.

Next thing you know.

You're helping him load a sailboat into his Volkswagen and suddenly

beamed over the fucking napper.

He did do that though, didn't he?

There was one person in particular who'd done that in a college car party.

Bundy pretended he'd a broken leg or something.

Broken arm.

Broken arm and then just fucking put it in the boot.

Wow.

He would still dig a couple on the same day.

Go and fucking kill somebody and go back and get someone else.

The 70s was the fucking golden era of this man before DNA and

CCTV.

Just drive to the next state and fucking go home and nobody seed you.

Yeah.

It's wild.

Has there been any serial killers recently?

Has it kind of went out of fashion?

I don't think they get the opportunity.

Because of phones?

I think just because of DNA and science and all that, I don't think you get the same level.

Have you seen that catfish thing

on Netflix?

No.

Oh my god.

I can't remind what it's called, but it's this new thing.

I've seen that.

The high school catfisher.

It's this woman, right?

She's well, she's a girl.

She's like 15.

I might

be at the start of this, and it's from about 2 in the morning, they start to get sent messages.

Again, these texts, right?

It's like, you shouldn't be going out with him he's beautiful he's a lovely boy and you're ruining his life you fucking slat and all this type of stuff and then it's like you

you shouldn't his cock shouldn't be in such really like you know vile blue chat about penises and mouths and cum and all this type of stuff really horrible and they're like who is this it's the other girls in the school bullying her so they go through the phones well it's them maybe it's like the boy himself he wants to break up so he's doing this fake stuff They go on a multi-year investigation.

The FBI gets involved.

Who is because it's ceaseless?

Hours and hours and hours every day, these texts.

60 texts a day.

Turns out it's the wee girl's mom is texting her, bullying her own daughter.

Fuck.

And it's her ma has been the one saying her mom was in love with a boyfriend, but felt like she was living the life that she never got to live.

The mum, spoiler a little, for the catfish documentary, but

then, but the mum's part of the documentary, she's still alive, so she's like, we've all made mistakes, you know.

Like, if some people have a DUI

and they get caught, and that's what happens, you know, you're not angry at me because of what I've done, you're angry at me because I got caught.

You know, this is a hard thing to say, right?

But I feel I can say it at this end of my career.

Okay.

Is this always going to be a good thing that you're going to say when you go this end of my career, right?

Okay.

isn't that every moss

you know what i mean yes i have a whole theory about mos

and daughters the jealousy of moss and daughters i mean it's crazy for it to come out in that form though uh-huh but mos and daughters many times have you seen

i don't really get it me and my mum don't really have that type of relationship because i was never really a girly girl and that kind of thing but i've seen it so many times with mums and daughters, and the mum is so fucking jealous of the daughter because,

well, essentially, the daughters had more freedom than her, whether that'd be kind of sexual freedom or career opportunity, and all that.

The world went in the list, you know,

but it's also a very matriarchal thing as well.

It's very prevalent in Scottish society, I think, in Irish society.

Of

the mum will downtrodden the girl, and there's almost a jealousy of how the dad, this is all getting a bit fucking freud, but how the dad looks at the daughter and how the dad feels about he's kind of princess, looking after the daughter, looking after, protecting, princess, daddy's girl, not in a sexual or CD way, just that whole dad protector thing.

And the mum kind of does that with the boys, but the boys don't really recognise it because they're boys and that's just what they expect.

So the mum then kind of

attacks the daughter for her role in the family.

And it's so fucking prevalent.

You're like,

oh man, this is beyond toxic.

The FBI catch them all, right?

And they come to the house and they say to the dad and the daughter, we know who's doing this, it's your mum.

And the mum's there.

And the mum puts her arm around her daughter and goes, it's okay.

It's okay.

And the daughter's just processing it in front of the FBI and her daughter.

Like,

it's you?

And she's like, yeah, yeah, it's been me that's texting you.

But she's like, patting her hair.

It's one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen in my life.

But to be, it's like to have a documentary about a monster, but then she's taking part.

It's like, imagine there was a Bundy documentary where he was like, yeah, well, you know,

two in one day.

What can I say?

It was a busy day at the office.

But it's absolutely.

It's one of the most fucked up things I've seen on Netflix in a while.

And I've seen a few stand-up specials that should not have been made.

They say when limited the Riyadh comedy.

The mother

from the Catfish documentary is a double headliner with Wood and Wood Peck at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

And I, for one, cannot wait to be doing support.

Ha ha!

I've seen the advert for that.

I'm actually going to watch it though, because it seems, it sounds like something that you just need to watch and go, Where the fuck just started?

It just makes you behave.

Listen, we've all got dysfunctional families.

Families, by the very nature, are dysfunctional in some sense, but it just makes you.

You watch something like that and you go, you know, my mum's all right.

Aye.

You know, compared to some.

Like, I can, I can look at my mum and go, my mum's well in her 70s, and I can go, she's a wee bit vulnerable and she's old and stuff like that.

But I can honestly say that we never had that

mother-daughter jealousy thing.

But I wasn't the type of daughter that was ever going to go and show shopping with her, you know, spaddies and that shit.

So I think that kind of made it easier, even though I had

a decent relationship with my dad to a point and I probably had more in common with him, it was all, it wasn't that type of relationship.

But when you see it, it's fucking disgusting.

When you see it in front of you, you see, I've seen Moz flirt with the boyfriend.

Oh, that's

Jesus, fuck.

But like, everybody at the school got investigated.

So they're all, they all know now.

And she just has to go to that school.

And the boyfriend, like, it's just like, yeah, I mean, it's pretty awkward.

It's crazy.

Do you know Glasgow thing that gets me?

When a guy will go, Mawi Mo.

And I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Which is creepy.

Mawi Mo?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah.

It's creepy, it's weird.

It's Freudian.

I.

But are you a child?

You're fucking wee mo.

Aye.

Get a grip.

And that's it's quite a thing though, isn't it?

It's quite a thing going in West of Scotland that type of idealise your terrible mother is a thing.

I who hates you.

Who hates you?

It's made your life a fucking misery.

My Wimo.

Who's caused you alcoholism?

Go like your Wimo's pish flaps, you fucking maniac.

Well, it's been a great episode.

I think this has been a good answer.

Mother's Day special.

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