The Peruvian Death Demon

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

I can't believe they stopped giving wine at communion.

Have they?

Well, pretty much.

Sometimes it's just the host.

Was this because of the COVID and they've just not brought it back?

Well, anyway, I was at a funeral recently, there's no wine, and you're like, Jesus said, do these fucking two things in memory.

I mean, you can't go ochrets and just not do one of them.

Also, when has the Catholic Church ever put signs in front of its own traditions?

It's like, yeah, it's nacho, isn't it?

You know, so you get nachos and it's supposed to be sour cream, salsa, guacamole.

And then often you order nachos and there's no guacamole, like the expensive bit.

and you're kind of like, come on, the fuck.

That's how you feel about the sacrament.

Yeah, you can't just go, well, this is slightly, and it'd be easy if we just handed it bread.

Oh, it would, but he didn't say that.

Take onto

my body, the bread, oh, god, and my blood.

No, he didn't say that.

Disregard.

I was trying to think yesterday as I was watching the Celtic game about

what is it called?

Is it natural?

Yeah, natural.

So I thought

Nacho Novo would have been good for this game.

I met Nacho Novo.

Really?

Yeah, I did.

I went up to see my friend Tom play in Balmahai.

That's a wee Sunday afternoon in a nice kind of bar restaurant place.

And I'd been out for a day trip with my brother.

And we went up to see Tom and he was singing away.

And as I was leaving, I walked out and Tom was talking to this guy who smelled amazing.

And Tom went, Susie, this is my mate.

And he turned around and he was like, Hi, I'm Nacho.

And I was like,

Ah, fuck, my brother's in the toilet.

Tom really knows a lot of people, hi, but

he has got no idea who those people are.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Like, a football player.

He's just a bar owner in Paisley Road West.

But you know what?

He was fucking, he was buffed.

I was training for that fight with

Kaz Milligan.

my old enemy, Kaz Milligan.

Who is that fucking geek?

Oh my god.

Move around.

But who are these other two?

Probably.

Awesome.

Natural Novo sounds a bit like a car.

Yeah.

But I was thinking,

you know what?

Natural Novo.

Oh, right.

I'm talking about his voice.

The kind of engine call.

Wow.

Yeah, don't get him on the post-match interview.

It really just beeps his horn.

It's like talking to Lightning McQueen.

People assume he's been censored.

Decisions went against the Zoom.

Anyway, I was watching you natural and I was thinking, could you get together the whole ingredients for naturals?

Is there any player with a cheese name, a salsa name, a sour cream name?

There was someone called Mayo playing for Kumana, and I got briefly excited, but then the whole game crumbled.

To me, Caspar Schmeichel,

if I went to Lido and I seen a jar of Danish mayonnaise and it was Casper Schmeichel brand I wouldn't flinch or the new Paul Newman can hang Casper Schmeichel's

you know I would buy certainly a sauce or something from him with Loven Crands kind of uh diversifying into the jive game I thought maybe uh Casper could have uh yeah soups a series of soups yeah

he looks like a man that would enjoy a soup I just see him on the drawing of him on the thing but with his goalie's glove

he uses his goalie glove to take something out of the oven.

That's classic.

So Linda Bellingham.

Who are the kind of ultimate goalkeepers?

Who are the most famous goalkeepers?

Well, his dad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Peter.

Michael.

Lev Yashin, the Russian goalkeeper from the 60s.

Probably the Lev Yashin.

Yeah, Levy Ashin, Berlin.

And this was during the.

I mean, this had been during the Cold War.

Well, I thought.

Before that.

Oh, no.

No, 1960s.

Aye, the gulags were getting pretty filled up by the 1960s.

What about

Gigi Buffon?

Buffon.

Is this a real guy?

Italian.

Gigi Buffon.

Yeah.

Aye.

Did he have a cool haircut?

It wasn't he bad.

Aye, he wasn't your kind of typical Italian footballer, was he?

Because he was a goalkeeper, so he's taken a few bumps.

Gigi Buffon

Peter Shelton, he was shite because he was English.

Aye.

I recently, I'm not going to name names.

names.

I was recently playing football in an empty comedy club

with another comedian who I will not name, but you're a fan of them.

And they've opened for you a few times, I believe.

Oh, right, okay.

And

I know who this is.

And we were in an empty club, which I'll not name.

But I was playing football after I was

and

I remembered some old penalty shootout advice I got given when I was 12 to actually put actually scored.

You know how, but I dare to take penalties well you took some penalties against me at Blackburn's ground

so you would park or something yeah

and then I remembered what you do is the goalkeeper's looking at your eyes so you need to kind of fake them out you need to look where you're not going to put it and then run up and then kick it in a different direction and it worked cross your eyes crushing it

oh yeah I don't know if I can do that the Undertaker would have been fucking class at penalties because he would just roll his eyes back And he would have been able to run.

He was fucking huge.

A lot of power, though, even on a short run-up.

Yeah, true, true.

I fucking hate those stuttering run-ups.

Just I'm old school.

Get your head over the ball and fucking batter your laces through it.

What do you mean?

They are sort of stopping.

Aye, they are stopping.

That fucking.

They run up and then they stutter and then they'll put their shoulder one way and you're just like, just hit the fucking ball into the net and take the keeper with you.

I've had a realization about Catholicism recently that I think you'll find obvious.

I was at my grand's funeral, and I've been to a few Catholic funerals, and I do

good value.

It's good value at the top.

15 minutes at the top.

15 minutes at the top.

There was a lot of chat.

But I realized something about Christianity and Catholicism.

I've realised it is about Christ,

which I'm so glad should be obvious.

So, just to unpack this, you didn't realise the word Christ in Christianity.

Well, I've got the word Christ in my name,

Christopher.

Yes,

Christopher MacArthur, Christ.

Christopher is a fucking great name.

Christopher, that's what my name means.

It's the guy who carried Christ's cross for him, which was handy that he was called that.

Simon of Arimathea.

Yeah.

Christ carrier.

Or Joseph of Arimathea.

Helped him all.

Simon.

Joseph Simon, right?

And I was just like, they're just talking about Jesus.

They're just talking about the sacrifices that Jesus made for our sins.

And there's not much mention of God.

And to me, obviously, it's obviously he is kind of God in a sense to the Holy Trinity.

But I was just like, nobody's talking about, oh, isn't it brilliant that God made the world and all this?

It's all, and we will live forever in heaven with him.

And he did this for us.

And I was just, it's the first time I realised, I was like, all right, it's like, these are all about Jesus.

Yeah.

God gets a kind of mention nearer the kind of crucifixion stage.

Once it gets to the fucking meaty bit and you think,

oh, you're going to need to get nailed to a cross son to keep your dad happy.

Which is, I mean, it's fucking extreme.

But I, God kind of considered talking about coming to terms with your parents and and the bad stuff they've done.

And Jesus, they'll ever, they'll ever come to terms with that.

But I, it's, it's all that kind of there's parables.

The Old Testament's the parables, isn't it?

And then the New Testament, then you've got the gospel.

New Testament's God phase two in.

I know what I mean.

You've got his health pan down, and then he's like, boom, and I'm Jesus.

It's like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Phase Two.

It's like we've done all the prior work, we've had them all hanging out.

No,

the Guardians of the Galaxy are going to show up.

It's a wee, a wee iOS update.

All the other heroes just think the fucking Fantastic Four are really dramatic.

Do you know what I mean?

Because, oh, Galactus is going to fucking eat the whole platform.

And all the other heroes are just like, yeah, let fucking that guy with his sidebunes do it.

They're very camp, though, the Fantastic Four, aren't they?

They're very camp, so you can understand why they're quite dramatic.

Yeah.

But I wonder if the whole thing wasn't God saying to Jesus.

So Jesus is like the peace and love side of God, right?

And God is like, I'm down in these counts if they step out of order and and all that.

And then Jesus is like, no, chill out, dad, right?

And Jesus is like, people are okay, love, you know.

And God has been like, oh, you might see love.

I'll fucking put you down there.

See what happens to you.

Just watch how much these cunts fucking love you.

And he's like, oh, I'll raise people from the dead and I'll get them

fish and bread and wine.

And he's like, okay, give it a fucking bash.

And then at the end, that's fucking Jesus basically texting God, going, dad,

pick me up,

please pick me up.

I've went to the rave and I've took too many pills, please.

And we're like, he's going to come back.

He's not fucking coming back.

He do come back after being fucking nailed to a cross.

No.

I think

he was a stoner, wouldn't he?

Jesus, just a wee stoner guy cutting about wee's pals, telling stories and having tricks.

Fair dues.

Do you think that there will be like a new

Testament?

Like a new New Testament?

Has anybody tried that?

It could be doing the an operate.

So that's essentially like the fucking

what they call the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Seventh-day Adventists and all that stuff.

It's like, and then an angel came down and said, no, here's a couple of big golden plates.

Have a look at these.

That was

what they call the Mormons.

The Mormons.

So they're doing a new thing.

Yeah, so he's been given a couple of large golden plates that he kind of produces.

We've got lots of them.

And then they give you a whole bunch of other fucking rules and whatnot.

Have as many wives as you want.

I haven't checked out the Mormon, maybe I'll give it a bash.

But the Mormons are the multi-wife, so they polyambled out.

They used to be, but it's kind of died off.

They're also the magic pants.

You have a thing on your pants going, don't fuck anyone else.

So you see it and you're like,

as you're getting your kecks off, you see your pants and you go, wait a minute.

God said not to do this.

Is that right?

Yeah,

wow,

it's like if you had a wee note to yourself in your fridge or something, you know, a picture of yourself when you look back

from a poor angle.

It's a picture of yourself.

That's right.

Taking off your wedding ring before you have an in a fair, that kind of thing.

Yeah, get you've got spare pants and you're they've got to have spare pants if they're having an inaffair.

Yeah, but it did make me go

Wow.

You see a lass at the bar and suddenly you're off changing your pants in the fucking toilet.

Your pals know it as well.

Yeah, kids.

They can smell your old pants in your fucking inside pocket.

Old Calvin Klein's away for some problem here.

And with Scientology, then that's just fucking shape based on lie detector tests, isn't it?

No, it's him.

You get the different secrets of it revealed to you as you go along.

And basically, we come from this fucking tribe that were were enslaved by this dude who parked his um

spaceship here for a bit and then when he took off he blasted loads of souls he killed loads of people and their souls hang about and attached to you as thetans so we're all covered in these thetans

and uh you need to do a whole bunch of shit that costs you money to get them pulled off

I don't mind all the alien souls grabbing on you because I do feel like that sometimes I'm being grabbed by if you're the guy who wrote Lemony Snicker you

know complete sense

born about fucking white walkers.

It's crazy to write a book called A Series of Unfortunate Events when your life you've been endlessly haunted

and haunted by angels or something.

Fucking death angels?

Maybe they hate according music.

That's his thing.

He's just desperately keeping them at bay.

Yeah, it drives them off.

Fucking Jimmy Shand.

He's been pursued through time by various entities.

But he is from like rural northern Scotland, isn't he?

So it's that kind of I

it's probably just part of the course.

Yeah, maybe he's that Lemmy Snicker's just been followed by Scottish people.

He thinks that they're pale white angels but actually just

from Polyu or something or Ardnamerkin or something.

That's a restaurant.

That's not a place.

That was the restaurant.

We had a very heavy Christmas lunch.

We need to go back to Erdnamerkin.

We really don't.

We really don't.

No?

No.

Once.

For Christmas.

That was a heavy Christmas lunch.

That was the heaviest fucking lunch in our life.

We don't need to get a three-course meal.

I cannot wait to see.

I can't wait till he's in his 40s and you're like, you say, Christopher, it's not that easy now, son.

So many Scottish places have mad, sinister names.

Noidart.

Where's Neuidart?

Fuck knows.

Oh, I know, is Tom Weir used to turn up there occasionally.

You know, I'm in Neuidart.

To meet that Shepherd.

Muck done, muck down.

I kind of spoke a bit about this during my last show at the fringe about how

like places in England are like I was in Chipping Sodbury, and places like if it's got chipping or mead in the name, you know, it's posh as fuck.

And it's like Scottish people always snigger as soon as you start to talk about this, and you're like, I know, I fucking don't know what's wrong with England either, right?

But it just is such a cultural thing because we're like, oktun mukti, dundee, like our places just don't sound

England needs a strain of whimsy to shut out the noises.

Do you know what I mean?

Because all the stuff that they did

is so chipping sodbrain as a jam-maker competition.

We're going to have a fair and Miss Mapa will find the murderer and oh god, rivers of blood.

Holy cheeks.

Ten million excess dead in India.

Yeah, yeah, concentration camps.

It's a balance, isn't it?

You know,

never mind, but Poirot will sort it out.

Poirot will sort of wind rush.

Fuck's sake.

Paddington, bad.

Paddington is a Peruvian death dealer.

He's a fucking Peruvian immigrant and he is hero worshipped in this country.

Pauling souls

to their damnation.

Dragging the Queen's soul down to hell to be feasted on by various archdukes of

her cousins.

Hades.

Yeah.

To meet all her relatives.

Fuck it.

She probably is some kind of demon now herself.

She probably has quite a strong position in the hierarchy of fiends.

Talking about demons, it's at the time

at the time of record.

We've got a state visit by Donald Trump this week.

With,

I mean, surely you're wheeling out Prince Andrew.

Surely we all the Epstein stuff, you're like, get fucking Andy in here to talk to him.

Just have a me chat about the good old days.

Get a recorder on.

Well, that's it.

You can have Mandelson.

Mandelson, I don't know when this goes out, but Mandelson, was it today or yesterday?

Has been Peter Mandelson

friend

and pal

and admirer?

Yum yum.

Confidant to

financier.

What's his name?

Jeffrey Epstein.

I mean, you call him a financier.

I would maybe have put Peter Phil in in front of that it's a bit like calling Savo acclaimed DJ

Marathon runner

acclaimed DJ marathon runner and all round uh sexual criminal what was he doing with that level of cardio yeah

sprinting it's bad

it's bad but I state visit with Trump so I'm looking forward to seeing what fucking chaos this is do you think Kier Starner's going to lose his job yeah I think so I think he'll be away by Christmas.

I want Angela Rayner back.

She's going to come back.

It's got to.

It's just going to be they'll get rid of Starmer.

They'll get in Wes straight to you.

Ah, fuck the fuck off.

I fucking cannot stand that man.

But they don't know, they don't know what anybody wants, right?

Because they don't relate to people in any way.

So you could put fucking Angela Rayner at the head of the party, like a kind of John Prescott type figure, and go, Oh, look, we fucking relate to you in some way, but they just hate everybody, they absolutely have complete contempt for everybody.

So, like, get this guy in.

Like, they also they spent the other day with lobbyists, they spend all their day with the most evil people on earth.

To them, West Streeton looks normal, yeah.

They think he's a human, fuck's sake, and then they're they will plummet further, but nobody wants to take it before the May elections, right?

Because don't they have the council elections in England and the Scottish elections and the Scottish elections?

So, they're going to completely implode, but also they're going to completely implode to reform.

Do you know what I mean?

And then there's going to be absolute fucking panic because they've done all the racist stuff they can do, pretty much.

And it's not got anywhere.

Also, the whole idea of courting these voters.

Starmer is courting voters who think he's having a gay affair because the fucking COVID vaccine is interacting with the fucking 5G towers.

They're not going to vote for you, pal.

They think you're part of the World Economic Forum Jesuit Illuminati or something.

They think you're part either.

He'll be held as a human shield until fucking those elections.

Then, when he's full of shrapnel, they just fucking drop his body, stick in the next cunt, and it's going to plummet even further.

And

you'll go, well, I was very civil the entire time, and I tried to do things out of the box.

But you also probably have a left party by then.

You'll probably have Sarah Sultana and Corbyn who get their act together enough to actually have something that you can vote for.

Do you know that?

And that'll suck votes away from them them as well.

And the Greens are getting better on left stuff, and that'll suck votes away from them.

And, you know, they're torpedoed.

Corbin, man, I just

know he's a good man, and I know he's a principled man, but see, when I see him talk, he's like that.

You know, that really fucking nippy arse teacher that was always on the verge of a breakdown.

That's how I feel Corbyn is that he's always just

one step away from kicking this fucking briefcase?

Do you know what I mean?

And I just think

I don't know if you've got it in you to really provide fucking opposition.

It's not that for me, it's more that

they didn't even really look at what went wrong.

So, Zara Sultana's better on that.

She's gone, look, Coburn hasn't got these things wrong.

But I think there's a whole still a whole side of people who go, oh, it was the fucking media, and it was fucking, you know, the fucking media is going to be there, whatever happens.

Yeah, yeah.

That's part of the conditions of what you're doing, and they're never going to like them.

So it's like you fucking build a boat that sinks, you go, it was a fucking sea, it's there anyway,

you know, yeah.

And I just think there's been no kind of like post-mortem on what happened.

All those, like, so many people went to public school that were in the oppressions of the thing, and their whole thing is dodging the buck.

And you're like, well, if you were head of comms for Labour during a historic defeat where Boris Johnson got an 80-plus majority,

maybe you should do a little bit of soul searching, but there's none of that.

Also,

Corbyn's Rolling Brexit was a fucking shambles.

Like, they so I read Craig Oliver's book, who was um

the comms director of comms for Cameron and then um for the fucking stay in Europe campaign, whatever the fuck it was called.

And uh, he was like,

we would literally be like, you need to go out and do the Sunday run, or you need to go out and do whatever the fuck, whatever interviews and stuff.

And Corbyn would just be like, I don't know if I can.

And he just would not pick a fucking side.

He's like, oh, I don't like the bureaucracy of the EU.

And you're like, you might not like the bureaucracy of the EU, but us coming out of Europe is fucking fatalistic, which it has been.

But then I think forcing him to take a position.

So like their thing was, look, Corbyn didn't have a fucking button he could press.

It was like, stop Brexit.

He wasn't in power.

No.

Right?

So like their whole thing of they got so feral the people's vote campaign which was a fucking sickening thing to call it stupid thing to call it right because you're like oh this time the people will be voting they weren't real people they voted for brexit those like you know what i mean so they then ensured that you would have the hardest brexit possible like what you wanted i mean all this is fucking old news but you wanted a kind of bespoke customs union right because there's so many fucking crazy bastards in england that you're never going to fucking turn over the vote it's never going to happen right no one wants to fucking hear about it ever again.

But you could have got a much better deal if you come out softer.

And they went, well, let's have a people's vote campaign because it will get rid of Corbyn because he's going to have to pick a side.

And he's fucked if he does and he's fucked if he doesn't, right?

And

the downside, the collateral of that is we're not going to be in any fucking position to negotiate because we've got fucking Boris Johnson as prime minister.

So everyone who was involved in the people's vote campaign knew they were getting Boris Johnson as prime minister and they didn't fucking care because they thought a few years down the line, I'll be fucking rent mars to lobbyists like the good old days.

And yeah, yeah, yeah, and on top of all that,

the Tory party and the right of the Tory party, and Johnson and Mogg, and fucking Gove,

all absolutely fucked Theresa May, who tried to go for a middle of a road, middle of the road, a kind of Brexit for all.

So, if you didn't want to come out, you've still got these benefits.

And if you did want to come out, we're not doing this anymore.

And now you're sitting with it, and I'm going to say this in inverted commas, right?

A small boats problem,

or it is the classic, which is part of Brexit because you fucking lost the Dublin Convention on the back of that.

And you're like, this is actually all your fucking mess.

And now you're having 150,000 people on the streets going England for the English.

And you're like, well,

fucking have it, mate.

Fucking keep your fucking country.

Oh, I'm so annoyed.

The callous thing at the time of Brexit was, I don't know what I call him about it, and I was like, I fucking don't know.

I think this is this and this and this and this hand, but I instinctively don't like the idea of the fucking EU moving forward and everything that's happening.

And a callous thing was, it'll just empower all the worst people.

And I was right.

Yeah.

yep, yep, yep, yep.

And that's it.

It was almost like

you were a wee bit kind of protected being in the EU, you know, like there was workers' rights, and like you can see all the stuff that they're just fucking trying to get rid of now.

And you're sitting, going to yourself, you've, and it'll be the people who were on those rallies who are on minimum wage that are going to be exploited more than anybody in this studio.

Do you know what I mean?

And

it's fucking idiots, man

that's just went full circle from the rally back to the rally you were hanging out with phil gove

i was

what was that you said in the lift and i thought i'll wait till we're on the mic to ask you what you're talking about

michael gove michael gove michael gove and i so i was actually

in fish person and former uh abardonian abortonian

what was his role in the the Tory party?

Oh, fuck, there was loads of them.

He'd been Chief Whip.

He was the Duchy of Lancaster, wasn't he?

He was a Minister of State for Education at one point.

Slinkycocked nightclub dweller.

Apparently, it's huge.

I've never seen it.

Can we keep that?

Okay, why not?

So I was doing a TV run-through thing

for a non-BBC.

I don't know how much I can talk about this thing.

I can just fucking say what it is.

A music quiz with Michael Gove.

No, never mind, these are the new ones.

I never mind the puns called.

I was me and Michael Gove

doing never mind.

Punched, poached.

It was doing an 8 out of 10 cats run through at the end most of the time.

So we were doing that.

It was like a kind of

political programme run-through thing with a very well-known political editor in London, and there was me and another couple of comics.

And so it was three comics, a host, and Michael Goof.

And I was like,

and I literally said to my agent, What could go wrong?

and he was like, Just fucking behave.

Um, and I was on the same kind of team as him, if you like, but you know what?

I tell you what,

he's one of those Tories, and they all fucking do it.

All the kind of big beasts in the Tory party have this, like, where they're quite foppish, they're very charming,

they have great stories, very funny stories, and they're just

like that UK diplomat fucking MI6

charm thing that they just get taught.

They just get taught, and do you know like

a lot of psychopaths are charming?

Kind of part of the job description for me.

He

it fucking pains me to say it.

He was a entertaining, and he was.

You can see why he was the one who used to punch up the speeches and punch up all the stuff.

Like, you can see it.

But there was like stuff going on.

Have you ever made your boss cry?

And we were like, except David Cameron and accept Boris Johnson.

And it was just like, and he did poke fun at himself.

And there was a clip of like when he kind of stabbed Boris in the back and then announced his run for leadership.

And it was like, can you translate that?

And it was like, basically, I've known this guy all my adult life.

Didn't think we'd win this fucking vote, and now there's a chance he's going to run the country.

I can't be fucking backing that kind of stuff.

So,

he was good fodder and all that, but it was a very bizarre day.

Did you ever feel a kind of

desire or feel like there was an opportunity to like punch him in the boss?

Yeah, just

twist his neck off or something.

That neck's never coming off because he doesn't have a spine, Christopher.

Um, yeah, horrible guy.

Can I ask a technical question?

Did you have a desk or were you on sofas?

A desk,

but I think the desk was there,

just I think it would end up being a sofa thing.

Really?

What's the difference between a desk and sofa?

I just think you've got to think about comedians' bodies.

Do you know what I mean?

We don't have the core strength to be sitting on a sofa for we don't need to plank.

It's why I'm not a loose woman.

This is the kind of show biz.

This is the kind of show biz

that I'm

interested in.

What is that?

Because to me, I don't really understand the difference, but you have worked on desk shows and you've worked on sofa shows.

And your last thing was the warm-up.

The desk shows are slightly more formal, aren't they?

And if you want to have slightly more ad-lib, or you're hoping for more ad-lib,

sofas tend to be better.

Do you know what I mean?

And people tend to relax a bit more.

Their body language can be a bit better if everyone's not sitting forward at desk.

Sure.

Makes it a bit less competitive.

What do you think about the new?

Obviously, we've invented the French method of podcasting, which is

two recordings divided by a gigantic lunch.

Are you hungry, mate?

No, no, no.

Come down to one a week.

I'm like, this is not bad.

20 days a year where you see your pals and what's this?

An island.

Yes, this is an island.

It's like we're sitting at a kitchen.

Aye.

You know, after we've been out for a night, we're sitting on a a kitchen island

discussing waiting for andy logue people begged for videos of this and then they don't watch it and then they're like i thought you recorded this in a much darker room because it's actually like a bright breezy okay commercial radio i find over the course of my career anything people ask for they don't want yeah so if they go oh why aren't you why aren't you doing full videos yeah because nobody wants that But we are doing that.

We are doing it.

Check them out on YouTube.

I think nobody it's yeah, I think well, a lot of stuff, the best stuff is things that nobody asked for.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you kind of just have to follow your Jesus, this sounds like this is going down a very questionable sexual path, Christopher.

Sorry for saying I looked at a woman's leg and seen a surprising tattoo earlier.

And in hindsight, that was

podcasting by a deranged mind there.

But

I do think most good things that people have ever made that's you know your audience would never actually ask you to make that it's just you've decided it and they've gone oh great you know if you just did what they wanted it would be moronic it would be moronic yeah

anyway we'll be doing a mailbag episode soon

have we got a mailbag we could ask for I was going to ask Andy for some mailbag stuff maybe for tomorrow or for the second session today would you think

why not yeah hobby could just read out sections of her favourite novels

oh Jesus, no.

What would you read out if you had to

a long bit from the James Elroy book where they capture this guy who looks a bit like a wolf man and he talks about how he likes to stick bamboo shoots up the ass of homeless people he abducts?

It's genuinely very funny.

Wow.

I think I would take the lead on your child author thing and go to the domestic violence abuse book of the Twits.

The twits is great.

Which is clearly about a couple who have a quiet dissatisfaction with each other and growing resentment i think also it's hugely anti-semitic he was not a fan of the old because there's that bit in the twits where it's like and listen you know

it doesn't matter how ugly you are people will look at you and they will see the soul inside and then it goes but there's other people

and you look at them and it doesn't matter there's a horrible big nose on them and you're like oh i don't know about this road i feel feel like maybe you

oh this is like JK rolling in Green Gots Bank isn't it yeah yeah which is fucking

I used to say that crazy donkeys ago and nobody knew what the fuck I was talking about I remember tweeting about that very early days is there not a star of David in the middle of the floor eventually became popularly accepted

yet again no recognition for highlighting the anti-Semitism a lot of her characters are absolutely you know the I the only Irish Irish wizard who blows stuff up by accident all the time.

She missed so finicky in his name.

So he goes, my mom's a mogul, dad's a witch.

Bit of a nasty shark for him when he found out.

And, like, he just accidentally makes things explode.

Which is obviously some kind of, you know, IRA parallel.

Yeah.

Nice one, JK, big funny one.

Oh, tell me about that.

Cho Channy, Chochang, Chochang.

Neither of which I believe

Cho is not a.

I think somebody was like, these aren't Chinese names.

You've made them up.

I don't know if you know it.

You know, I'm not particularly au fai with Chinese naming conventions, but I don't think there's a single Chinese person called Cho Chang.

Talking about the Irish blowing things up, back to the troubles.

Soldier F's trial today.

Oh, really?

Yeah, starts today.

Do you hank the Mandelson things maybe to discover a smoke screen for Soldier F?

He befriended a known pedophile financier twenty years ago to help out Soldier F.

I think, listen, it's uh it's a big deceitful way about the so I soldier F's trial today, he's up for the uh trial of the murder of two men and the attempted murder of a further five people.

But the fact that he's it, there's a whole ABCD

before him, presumably, of other fucking maniacs.

You feel bad for soldier Z,

Soldier Z,

however people are saying it.

Maybe he just fucked.

He was

soldier fucked.

This guy's gonna be the absolute fall, soldier fall guy in fifty years.

Um

we should have a Nippon kitchen today, what do you think?

I think we should go to Dishum

sometime.

I'd love to get a Dishum, but I don't know what the is like.

It's a news, it's the new hotspot for the next one.

We'll get a Deshoum pretty soon.

We can do it now.

Let's try and get a Dishum.

Where is it?

Where

remember that chicken restaurant next to that nightclub that used to run gigs where we got harassed by the police during COVID?

Laxis?

Remember that?

No, no, Laxis.

It was called Shawnbre 69 or something.

Fuck.

I don't even remember this, Christopher.

Remember, you had the gig with the screens?

Oh, yeah.

Down there.

Oh, yeah.

Down there where that shop is now shut down.

Yes.

Me and Susie were smoking.

And we were recording

distanced.

We were doing live.

So we were doing a live

show

on it was like immersive.

And we had a wall of fucking screens.

And we were doing a live gig.

Nightmarish.

Nightmarish.

It was good.

But it was COVID.

Fucking, we were doing everything.

And then the police came in one night.

Was that the night you were there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the police came in.

About 25 coppers came and going, so what's going on here?

And you were like, It's literally six people doing a live stand-up comedy gig to everybody in the house, and we're all socially distanced.

And they were like,

That's fine now.

Fuck off.

They came down and we were like, What's this?

And I went,

I've not really had many dealings with the police, to be honest with you.

But they were like, What's this?

We're like, Oh, it's like a kind of socially distanced show.

and they went, I used to a band.

So they got what kind of band would that be?

In our room.

Fucking screens.

A kinda Glasgow uh green hit shot points type.

Hi.

Hi.

What kind of uh what were they called?

Um starts with E, Big Pop Band for Glasgow.

Ew.

Oh.

I was going for the Eurythmics.

Yeah, the Eurythmics.

That's what we're from Glasgow.

Where are they from?

Um, England and Aberdeen.

Aberdeen and David Stewart was English, eye.

Wow.

Anyway, sorry for that digression.

Should I shoom?

Let's try for Deshum and then see if we can get in because it's pretty hot.

Is that right?

Pretty hot.

Is this the new place?

It's going to be a lot hotter once we turn up and there's a picture in Glasgow Live.

Fuck.

Charlie Cook commentators descend on Deshum.

The Southside Scranners.

Hey guys, me and my hubby went down to Deshum in the middle of the day.

To distract ourselves from our sexless marriage and the rise of fascism across the globe.

Now, the starters are incredible.

You've got gunpowder potatoes with mustard seeds, as well as a lovely Ruby Murray dip.

And you can get a breakfast now if you're there before 11 a.m.

However, it can be very busy, so make sure to book.

So true.

That is fucking so true.

Let's start beef with a fucking

thing that has 3,000 followers on Instagram.

It would be incredible to do all the slagging of the right wing, and really, you just get a few kind of Rangers fans with Union Jack profiles giving you a bit of abuse on Twitter, but then it's actually starting a beef with food blog and TikTokers where they actually show up in your house with blades and stuff.

And you're like, Jesus, this is actually quite terrifying.

Just come up and slag your dinner.

We need to get them to somehow fight Kaz Milligan.

I want

that we could.

Property boss.

Whatever the fuck it's called.

Social media.

Property boss has arrived.

I will be fighting the head chef at Dashum in a hotel in nine months to an audience of 12 people

who have all paid a grand each.

I feel as if I've been at Dashum before.

Have we been?

We've no, it's a new Glasgow place, there's one in Edinburgh, there's many in Birmingham, and

no, that's that.

That's uh

that's uh

Mackie and Ramon, which is now in Byers Road, and standards have slipped back in a day.

I'd say 2015, Mackie and Ramon was a phenomenal voice on the ramen scene of Scotland, and now they

absolutely uh they've torpedoed their

good name as far as I'm concerned.

Is he the Dashim in Birmingham?

Is it near the Glee?

No,

unfortunately, I don't know when I've been there.

It's near, do you know that big library in Birmingham that

looks like a big present?

Yes.

I think I've been given into trouble for saying this because it's supposed to be a religious thing of some nature.

But it's a big remember that we tried to get a coffee in there and it was a fraught.

It was a fraught.

It's such an avant-garde podcast.

They spend the last ten minutes trying three of them trying to remember a restaurant only one of them has been to.

I thought we were there together.

Do you know in Birmingham there's the big square?

Obviously it's bankrupt now and it's falling into ruins, but there's the big square with the tram and the lions and stuff.

It's a beautiful building.

Rhea from the Glee took me and Roscoe there when we'd done our tour show.

It's a beautiful thing.

And we had an absolutely fantastic meal.

Right, well let's do it.

Let's try and get in.

Let's do it.

Let's try and get in.

It's funny.

Let's try and get in.

Let's just try.

Right, have we all got smart shoes then?

Let's uh

you come in with me, you come in with me.

We'll go in separate.

We don't want to go as a big group because there'll be no less

one of those.

You can get all episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.