Babes in Toyland LIVE! (HDTGM Matinee)

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Tighten the hatches on your Jeep's soft top

because kids are going flying.

We saw babes in Toy Land, so you know what that means.

Justin and Kelly. A fancy see a burlesque show with Nick Crow.
They take a bow with speed to hitting cruise control. J-Man, big ball, and the beautiful June.

Gonna take you from the boom all the way to the room. Ran against the street fighter, hopes to pour off steam.
Just a sucker punch to odd life for Jimmy's green.

Shot me to the bird, Demic how we stayin' alive. They call me when they're badass and he's on the line.
Crankin' 88 minutes cause they cool as ice. Cause they bad Jim Barney looking kind and nice.

All the jewels getting literal, Jason is getting lame.

We are back.

We are back live at Largo.

Holy shit.

It has been far too long and we cannot wait to talk talk about tonight's movie which is the biggest piece of Cincinnati propaganda ever produced Lenny Riefenstahl would look at this and say wow how can I get on this train

this movie Babes in Toyland Kiana Reeves Drew Barrymore Richard Mulligan Ellen Burston all came together for a TV movie in 1986

that

Ria Ellen Brennan, but it should have been Ellen Burston. Eileen,

Eileen Brennan, and that was a trick

because

I want to see you saw the fucking movie.

And you proved to me that you are worth being the first live audience we've had back. So thank you.

If I did that at home on one of our Zoom recordings, I would have gone in, I would have sipped it out, I would have look smart. Here, I will look dumb.
I'll still cut that out,

but you got to see me vulnerable. Um,

what is Babes in Toyland about? If you've not seen Babes in Toyland, it's simple. It's the Wizard of Oz,

kind of,

with like weird adult men wanting to marry teenage girls,

creatures, and Pat Merita.

It's hard to to really parse,

but we will try our best to break it down. And I can't think of two people to break it down better than my co-hosts.
So please welcome Mr. Jason Manzukis.

What's up, George?

How are we doing, Los Angeles?

I miss you,

but boy, do I wish we weren't here

together in the same

because I don't know what you've been doing

but I suspect it's risky

I will let you know most of the audience are players for the Chicago Bulls so that is tricky a lot of them are in quarantine that's why they're here tonight

huge stuff guys holy shit this is

Jason I don't know if you noticed but when I even did my pre-show ritual I went over to your chair and then immediately realized and didn't touch a thing. Thank you.

I'm so excited to have you back, Jason.

But we could not do this show without my other co-hosts. Please welcome to the stage Miss June Diane Raphael.

Wow.

How are you, June? I'm doing well. How are you, Paul? I'm doing fine.
Thank you so much for asking. I'd just like to say, at that live show that Jason's talking about,

he was so sick.

So sick that I said, I will not be sharing a hotel room with you. And so, June and I had to share a hotel room.
Didn't see another way.

I didn't see another solution. I slept great.

So.

Okay, let me just say this is really overwhelming, and I may cry. Yeah.

So. It's very overwhelming.
And just so everybody is comfortable with that. Yeah, I just might cry a few times.

I hate every single one of you. I don't like it here.
And I don't. And I don't want to be here, but I still.

I am thrilled you're here, and I love every single one of you. We are so happy.

So happy to be back.

And I will say that, June, I know how you watched this movie. Would you like to share with the audience where you watched it? Well, I have a bone to pick.
Okay.

So I don't, I never know what the movie is going to be until literally moments before my eyes fall on it. Now, I did ask this morning.
She turned to me as the credits are rolling.

She's like, what is this?

That's my process.

And this morning I said to Paul,

what are we watching? And with sort of like, oh, God, what do I have to do?

That kind of tone. And you said, oh, you're going to love it.
It's a Christmas movie.

Amen. Stand by back there.
This is not a Christmas movie. This is not a Christmas movie.
It is. This is a Christmas nightmare.
This is.

This is like a haunting fable of. I mean, like, I'm almost positive in the opening scene, Drew Barrimer's character perishes.
Yes.

I mean, if there was ever a time for a Jacob's Ladder scenario, I mean, this is it. I hesitated to say it, but it is absolutely, this movie is 100% a Jacob's ladder scenario.

Here's, I just want to correct one thing that, Paul, you said earlier, and that Kiana Reeves, my dear, dear friend from John Wick, chapter three, Parabellum.

TikTok, Mr. Wick, TikTok, Mr.
Wick. TikTok.

Misidentified. He says he has a Jeep.

You said he has a Jeep. This motherfucker is driving a Suzuki sidekick.

Wow.

Now, if you're wondering why Drew Barrymore plummets out the back

of the car, of the sidekick, it's because it's a Suzuki sidekick.

Not a real car.

Buckle up. But back in 86, they didn't care about seatbelts.

As long as you had a sled in the car, you were fine. Thank God for that sled.
Imagine

if she just plummeted out the back, no sled. I will say this.
R.I.P.

This movie is a TV movie, a made-for-TV film. Oh, okay.

And

it starts off in every, I think, every shitty diner painting that I've ever seen. For me, I will say, for me, it started with me going to the website

for toys in Babeland.

Well, that is going to give you some different things. Which was a very different thing.

I bought a bunch of dildos.

Were they made by the toy maker? Yep.

Pat Marina. Pat Merida's eyes on it.
There's some eyes on that dildo. All the dildos and vibrators have eyes, and if you crank them, they do stuff.
And he signs them like a cabbage patch kit.

That's nice. Yes.

So I watched this movie. So I said to Paul, it's, oh, and I got really excited.
I thought, oh, it's a Christmas movie. I mean, I'm a...
I'm an actor in a Christmas movie. So that's

kind of my genre. HBO Max or Monday.
And I'm a holiday actor. So I can connect.

By the way, congrats. Thank you.
Like,

again, we've stated it before and we'll state it again. We want access.
Give us the keys to the

christmas in there. Let us make a Christmas movie.
Yeah, as a holiday actor, I felt like, oh, this is my genre. And it's a genre I love, love, love, love, love.
So I was looking forward to it.

You and I are watching these on our free time for fun. Absolutely.
I put on a Christmas movie every night.

I didn't write about one that I was like, do we need to switch the movie for what you're telling me?

I knew that we shouldn't because you all have prepared properly, but the movie that we watched was with Melissa Joan Hart as a podcaster, and she runs into Luke Perry. No.

Oh, that was almost as

R.I.P. And that was almost as bad as Ellen Burston.
That was yesterday. That doesn't mean that Luke Perry is bad.
Jason Priestley. Jason Priestley.
And listen. Jason Priestley.
As a Jason Priestley.

Ellen Burst and Jason Priestley.

I went Ellen Burst and both June and I recoiled.

I love them both, but I mean, that's Eileen Brennan. All I can think of is Ellen Burston and Private Benjamin.
Oh, my God. What a different movie.
Oh, what a different movie.

Well, also, as a Jason Priestley gal myself, I always preferred him to Luke Perry.

That just hurts.

You know, that just hurts for all of us.

You loved the priest? Yes.

Yes.

But, so I said to Paul, okay, it's a Christmas movie. I'm excited to see it.
And then I had to take our oldest son to a basketball practice. And we drop him off, him and his friend.

And now I go back to the car. Now, the only spot I had was at the entrance of the basketball.
Like every parent, every person has to walk through. And it's brightly lit where I'm parked.

And I have to watch this movie on an iPad.

And I'm sitting in the front seat watching this movie and it's propped up against the wheel and I'm furiously taking notes and I thought, I'm going to be reported to the authorities.

There's no way that I get out of this without someone putting me on some sort of a list.

And rightfully so. Absolutely.
Can you imagine if it was me?

Imagine me in my car with something that we all know contains a camera pointing out the windshield while I furiously take notes in my writing.

I will still say that I watched pausing writing pausing writing

I still live in fear from the time that I we were on tour in New York I had to watch uh master disguise the great Dana Carvey uh vehicle and I was watching the turtle club in a children's museum while my children played with their grandfather I was in the corner with a laptop watching a Dana Carvey movie like ah yes like what is this what's particularly weird is

you could get away with watching that movie with your kids and look normal yes but to be in a children's environment without kids

watching a kid's movie is allure yes

come on over what's over here

well the other thing for me

yes is I was facing the auditorium. So all the other parents are propped up watching their kids play, except for me.
And I look like I'm making the choice: like, oh, I don't want to watch my kid.

Like, I want to be here with this. Yeah.

And the, and, and if somebody were to walk and see what, you, you might be like, what's going on? And you're like, before I get, I gotta watch the succession finale for a while.

But to be, if someone were to walk around and be like, What the fuck are you watching? It's only 10 more days till Christmas. I gotta get my Christmas on.
Gotta get through these.

You'd be watching the car chase of them driving in circles.

you'd be like,

Where am I?

Have you seen what she's watching?

Get a load of this. You know, the other people there are like, get a load of this.
Truly insane. Well, this movie is, this movie surprised me in many levels because

I'm start to finish. I was like, I get it.
Makes total sense.

Why are you even doing it? When I saw Pat Merida as the Toy Master, I was like, that's a movie I do want to see. And that could be a horror movie.
I'm down for an evil Pat Merida.

uh, but no, he's a lovely, lovely man in this movie. What made you think he was evil? This is a toy master sounded very evil, like the name, the toy, yeah.
Like, oh, I make a jack-in-the-box.

This is a drill. The Toy Master or the Toy Maker?

Okay, okay, okay. One thing I got right about this credits.

I just had a super quick question: Where was Drew Barrim or his family from?

Oh, I don't have that in my notes. Maybe Nate Kiley gave some.
Someone helped me understand the the movie better.

If I understood via both dialogue and maybe even original song,

you know what's going on? Where these motherfuckers are from?

I think I might have something here to help us. This is a clip from the movie.
Let's see if this helps.

This is going to be the best Christmas in the history of the world. It's not.
Right here in Cincinnati. Welcome to glorious Cincinnati.
Nope. Queen of Ohio's alpine ski resorts.

I come from C-I-N-C-C-I-N-N-A-T-I-Cincinnati, the best town in

Ohio.

At first they called it Cincy, but since Cincy is so natty, they named it Cincinnati for Suzuki Psychiatry. Now the girls are pretty, pretty in this pretty little city.

The fellers are the feistiest, I've seen

them.

Jeez, what? Another verse?

Now here's the thing about that number.

What?

More?

The city doesn't warrant that many verses.

I have a thing with Philadelphia. We now have a thing with Cincinnati.
Jason, you have just put Cincinnati on blast. Listen, I'm putting Cincinnati and all of Canada on blast.

Not interested.

There is a moment, though, in that thing and re-watching it where, first of all, the driving in this movie is amazing because not only are they driving like the worst fake driving where it's like left, right, left, right, but they're also pushing the car back and forth like a Star Trek episode.

So if a car was driving like this, it would be in an accident. Well, also during a blizzard, and he keeps going up through the stick.
He's driving an emanual drive up through the gears.

He should be in second gear going so slow right now. But as the song picks up tempo, he's like, gotta drive faster, gotta drive faster.
Driving so fast that the little girl dies.

Driving so fast, I can't stop. Sing somebody.

As the most dead kids, that's the fact. Look it up.
It's because of the songs that we sing while we drive. This is what's killing all our children.

It does seem because they have all those looks to each other in that scene, like, we're going to do this, we're going to finish the song.

We need the blood from an 11-year-old kid.

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Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this winter. Toyota, let's go places.

See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

Wait, so there's something here that I thought was so interesting: in that moment where they're singing, Keanu looks like he's lost control of the car.

Yeah. And now, only moments later, a girl shoots out the back of that jeep.

Because he does lose control. But in that moment,

why? I guess he had one more verse before she could shoot out. I mean, this again, and I'll be honest with you, and I, because much like June, I had zero reference.
I had no idea.

I just was given a title and a link. Boom.
I knew Ellen Burston was in it. I was like, burst, baby, burst, give it to me.
I heard it's a prequel for Requiem. I was like, wait, are you telling me

the star of Empty Nest and Golden Girls is in this? I'm hardcore in. Anyway, regardless, I put it on and I'm watching the movie.
And then this happens.

And I'm like, I write in my notes, hang on, is this a fucking musical?

And then I watch the rest of the movie, and I'm not sure.

Yeah.

This movie has too few songs to be a musical, but too many songs to be a movie.

There is a

half songs. The original cut of the movie was 145 minutes.
How long is this? 94.

Okay. So, Okay.
Wow.

The rest was songs. Clearly, the rest was songs that they were like, we got to get rid of this.
Well, by the way, the biggest mistake of this movie was they hired people that were terrible singers.

Like, there's not, they're like, even

his sister was a good singer. I mean, what's concerning about that, I don't think the sister's dubbed, but everybody else is.
But what's concerning about that, his singing is. Okay.

But by a bad singer.

Well, I don't think. We used a TV movie.
I think that answers your question. Yeah, but it's concerning because it makes me think like, oh, they left,

these are the best songs that they left in.

Can you imagine?

This is what we had to keep. Can you imagine what was cut from this movie?

Two songs, one song called It's the Feeling, and another song called, We'll Think of Something.

Which might as well be that is like the truth. That is speaking truth inside of the movie.
By the way,

what's the movie? I don't know. We'll think of something.
I mean, by the way,

this movie was shot all in Germany.

All the songs written by Steven Sondheim, R.I.P.

But it is based on a 1903 operetta. Babes in Toyland is an opera.
And there isn't another movie called Babes in Toyland. No other movie.
No, I'm just joking. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Like,

in that version, are all of those songs in there? Well, this seems to be like a take on it. Like, it's like...

This isn't like a remake of that movie. Or is it?

It is. I didn't know that.
I think Toy Soldiers. I didn't know if they shared a title.
Here's something I don't know anything about, but I'm going to be very actively saying that I do.

I think Toy Soldiers are definitely in the other babes in Toy Land, but I don't think like Mother Hubbard's

shoe is in that.

So you think everything's the same, but the shoe? Well, everything's the same, but the shoe is not.

What I think it was, they moved in, like, some, like, they I think they did am I right in this that they moved in like the fairy tales like the Humpty Dumpty and stuff like that or is that in the old one too?

It's in the old one

from the 20s called March of the Wooden Soldiers that hasn't followed that same craft. Okay, all right, so apparently that man out

there

What's so disappointing about this, I mean this isn't Wizard of the of Oz because what's so disappointing is that the characters that we meet in the beginning and their character traits have nothing to do with the fairy tale characters, honestly, with the exception of the woman in the shoe and her lists.

Well, I think it has nothing to do with that.

The only relation that I didn't truly did not understand until the very end of the movie is that Drew Barrymore's character is meant to have kind of renounced childhood. And so

toy land, she's making dinner. Don't worry, I'm making dinner.
She's taking care of things. She has kind of renounced childhood and is living as a, like an adult, an adult life.

Real commentary on the actual Drew Barrymore's life. It is.
Well, I mean, that was, yeah, that was interesting.

But I felt like they didn't really state it that much because she was acting like a kid.

But that's why I feel like Toy Land was this,

you know, this also gave me real, for comic book nerds here,

fables, Bill,

Bill Lynn's fables.

This was like very in that world that I was like, ooh, a world that you go to where the fables are actually exist, where all the kind of storybook characters live together in a town.

But she seemingly didn't know any of those stories. It wasn't like, oh my god, Humpty Dumpty.
Yes, they just introduced her to people just to get this. This motherfucker, Humpty Dumpty.

You don't put a giant egg in a movie, okay?

Unless he's gonna fall off that wall

and crack. They show him twice.

Yeah.

He

never,

I thought for sure in the fight sequence at the end, we were going to watch him. And all the king's soldiers and all the king's men would try and put him back together.
They didn't know. I want that

45 minute long version. That's a 30 minute sequence.
Maybe that's what they thought.

So here's what's so weird though about the basic premise of the movie.

So yeah, it is about this girl who is sort of a little mother in the house and doesn't have any interest in toys and doesn't want this sled that her older sister's getting her for Christmas because she doesn't really know how to play with it.

She She's more like a lot of people. I thought the sled was shitty.

No. Oh, I think she doesn't want kids' stuff.
Oh, I was like, I wouldn't want a sled either.

She's just like, you're not going to like it because, or she says something like, you're not going to like it because it's fun or something like that.

Oh, I thought she was like, I got you a sled, it was like the equivalent of like socks.

I don't think so. I think it's like a slider.
Like, who wants a sled? What? Like, I want one, yeah.

I want a sled right now.

You want, like, as a kid, you're like, here's a sled. Yes.
Paul, you need to go to tour land

What are you talking about? Yeah, of course. What did you want a typewriter?

What are you talking about? A sled is a gift that you that you get like the normal part of the year.

I don't give that to me as a gift.

You're getting gifts during the normal part of the year?

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Hey, I'm gonna go to the next one.

We'll go sledding. A sled is like, you don't go like, here's your Christmas gift is a sled.

I'll be honest.

What? I am blown away right now. There's actually like nothing that's more fun and childlike and free

of the season.

I mean, if you're, especially where we all grew up, you want to get one in the summertime? There's snow on the ground. Oh, here's your Fourth of July sled.
It's like enjoy America's independence.

It's like getting a pool floaty for Christmas.

No, it's not.

It's not at all. It's a blizzard in this town.

We could literally go outside. What are you talking about? The sled is immediate use.

You can use it. She didn't know it.

She didn't know it.

She didn't know what a sled was.

She didn't know there was going to be a big storm. It was a freedom.
There lives at Cincy, baby. Of course there is.
How's somebody knows that? And then there should be a lyric.

Because Cincy is so snowy, you need that big old fucking sled. You know, like they should have that line.
I think, honestly, this pandemic has affected us all in different ways.

Of all the things you could disagree with, a sled being a good Christmas present

is the worst take of all. 86.

Get me one of those Nintendo robots that drop the discs and do the fucking thing. Get me a Roby robot.
Get you a Roby. Wow, look at you.
Because you're like, I can get a sled any time I want.

Oh, big deal. You got me a sled.
Thank you. Whoa.
I feel like you're talking about a sled as though it's like hardware or something. Yes.

I know it's like a vacuum.

It's not like a tool.

I got you a dustbuster. Here's the deal, people.
Here's the deal. Okay, the premise of the movie.
So

I think

we are, in the world of the movie, we're supposed to think that sled is a great, joyful gift for a child.

A child that is predisposed to think, in Paul's thinking, it's not that good of a gift. Yes.
Right? That's what the situation is.

No, I was going to say I share some similarities with Drew Barrymore's character.

I know, and this is going to get real dark. So get ready.

By the way,

two harrowing childhoods. yes the details will

that is a show

that is a that i want that i will come and sit right there for you and drew barrimore on this stage trading childhood stories

that's the show but my point is it just got picked up by quibby the

rip just fun.quibi

By the way, I only realized halfway through the pandemic that it stood for quick bites.

That was, and when that realization hit me, well, true, I mean, I gotta just, if we talk about it, I gotta just say the original name was Omakasa, which to me is such, like, can you imagine? Can you?

You watching that new show on Omakasa? What?

Oh, yeah.

On, on, and, yeah, oh, the, uh, oh, the sushi sampler platter that the chef's. The chef's choice of sushi?

Okay,

to go back to the movie, so we are

we are meant to believe that she doesn't

really experience joy with toys, and she's not really, she's really big on telling people she's 11, she's not a kid anymore. And she's answers the phone, she's making dinner.

But then at the end of the day, like a noir film, there's one moment where you see her where it just like this. This isn't unspoiled.

Okay, not Amy Nicholson. You don't need to hear about noir.

Oh, the lighting was just like a noir film. It reminded me of double indemnity.

Now, in color, Mary Wilder's intense Brian Johnson group. I think we're in a Howard Hawk.

By the end of the movie, you know, the lesson is that she has to believe in toys again and believe in the magic of childhood. Okay, but my issue with that is like, well, the fact that she

doesn't and the fact that she's older for her age, inappropriately so, and called on to be this adult

in the house.

Paul, you're gonna reveal too much about yourself.

I mean,

that is an indictment. That's pretty old.
That's an indictment on the parents in the home. Absolutely.
That is not her fault. Absolutely.

No, no, that's not. Yes, applause.
No. Applause.

Applause.

No, I think I. Where's the dad? Absolutely right.
The dad is absentee.

I assumed they were divorced or that he was dead.

But the dad is

not present. The mom is not engaged.
The sister has to go to work, and Drew is doing the lion's share of work.

Happily. She walks out of the house into a fucking blizzard with just a neon fucking killer outfit.
Okay.

We need to carve out the next one. Do we have a picture of her outfit? It's like a beret.
It's a pink jacket. It's nuts level stuff.
square. Yes.

It's the widest jacket I've ever seen.

It's a jacket that looks like a vagina with her head as the clitters.

And it's also, and then the plastic. That might have been on the Toys and Babeland site.
Sorry.

I might have been looking at a different theme. But

the sister works.

Seemingly

like at a five and dime, right? It's a lot of five and dime, but it also says toys outside. So

it seemed like a five and dime toy store. I mean, my favorite moment is Richard Mulligan, who I think is a great actor.
So funny.

He comes in. He's like, I told you to push the bears.

And she's like, I work in customer service. Like he's like he's in a mammoth.
Like he's doing mammoth. He was doing, yeah.
He's like, push the fucking bears.

The motherfucking bears is what you need to push. I give you the bears.

Sell these fucking bears. Sell these bears.
I couldn't tell if it was Christmas Eve.

It was Christmas Eve. I mean, I was so shocked.
My entire personality is pretty much based on Golden Girls and Empty Nest. Just those two shows

I've been created from. I watch them every night back to back.
Wow. Oh, absolutely.
Wait, what about Love Boat, which came on next? I don't think I could stay up for that. So I only needed to.

I'm older than you.

Because I watched those as well. Straight into Love Boat.

I could not go into Love Boat. I stopped there, but I loved him so much.
I love that that character so much. To see him this way was pretty shocking for me.
Well, I mean, he was just natural.

It was great.

Don't get me wrong. He is doing.
And yeah, and for somebody who's not a great singer, I appreciated his song. What was his song?

Oh, yeah. Let's time it.

Here we go.

Refresher, a monster piece.

Here we go. Let's take a.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah.
Here we go. Here we go.
This is very dark, Christmas. Don't to share with you, dear boy.

The evil scheme that fills my heart with joy.

Its evil theme will never cease.

Cause I have created

a monster piece

I put in the ears of toil and strife. It feels like the music isn't even sure it's a song.
Like,

it's like, like, the people that are playing are like, I guess he's singing. Okay, we're going to sing it.

It never opens up. The songs never opened.
They do not further the plot at all, which all musical songs should. They should give you more access, more.

I mean, we basically get a song that is just about Cincinnati. Yeah.
And then Monster Piece, and then that, and then the other, there's another one that I don't even remember.

They're all kind of talked. Like, they never

start. Well, when they go to dub, like I go back to Pat Merita, when they go to dub his his singing voice, I'm like, well, now it will be a good one.

And it felt like someone doing an impression of a bad Pat Merida's singing voice. It's like, oh, yeah, I bet she's not a good singer.
I'll do that. Yeah.
Nobody, I mean, I felt like everybody.

I don't, I mean, I'm not even sure that was his singing voice, to be quite honest. I don't feel like that, right? I don't know.

I've assumed everybody was dubbed in this just because so many people seem to be being dubbed. Keanu is dubbed for sure, which I think.
Yes. Drew Barrimore is definitely dubbed.
I mean,

they go to this world. Well, I mean, I want to talk about this this world because we've been talking about

Toy Land, which is the most monstrous place that you could ever possibly go.

This is like a like a Wizard of Oz, like you said, it's a Wizard of Oz, except that instead of going to a fantastical world of Oz, she goes into a nightmare scape of

storybook characters come to life, which are just this. And by the way, this is like a bear out of Wickerman.
This bear is scary.

Everybody's wearing like Sesame Street level costumes.

You can frequently see the seams between their necks. You can frequently see human necks.

It is.

There's a lot of law enforcement in this town that don't seem to be doing much.

This is chilling. There's frogs.

We just saw before, too, like some of the characters are giving the physicality of like bears, and then others are just walking around.

I mean, people with the costumes. They clearly built the frog head with the pipe pipe in it.

I think it's Sherlock Frog.

The

fairy tale character. It's got a Sherlock Frog.

Sherlock Frog. That's Raggedy.

That's Raggedy. But who is the lion with a football jersey?

I mean...

When they would cut to a group show, that motherfucker.

There's the...

There he is.

Oh, this fucking guy's trying to... I saw this and I was like, this guy's trying to get me.

But here's the thing: while there are fully costumed characters, they're not going the cats route where it's a human

dressed as like an animal. Then they're just regular people that look like pilgrims or like they are.
They're all storybook characters. They are.
We all

know.

I think they are all, you know, meant to be from stories. You know, they're introduced as such.

I mean, you know, this classic storybook character. That's the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercial, right?

Old people like that joke.

I mean, it's such a bizarre world. And there, and there's the lion in the football jersey.
The toy soldiers do come out to play, which makes it interesting. There's a lady.
Oh, look at him.

Oh, look at him. Oh, shit.

Like, no matter.

Oh, no.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of there.

See you, Jason.

That is haunting.

That is the scale. Oh, that.

That is haunting. This

is the closest thing that we could get to seeing Wes Anderson's nightmares.

Like, this feels like when Wes Anderson dreams, he sees this town and it scares him. Yeah.

They're cute. It's so crazy, too, because nobody ever asks her, like, how'd you get here? Yeah

Well by the way, I mean she gets there She doesn't seem to have many questions and like even

even at a point when she gets her driver's license is just a cookie right to her driver's license right here. I just want to show you stop it right here.
That wooden soldier is crying

Yes. Now does that mean the sweat has come out of the actor through the costume? Is it sap?

Or do the wooden soldiers have tear ducts? Like, what is this? Well, here's my other question. We see these wooden soldiers displayed in the town square.
Later on in the film, the toy master

says, oh, what's in that closet? And he opens it up. They're all covered in dust and cobwebs.
And he goes, they're

my greatest joy. So did the cobwebs, are they in a place where cobwebs form very quickly? Did these escape? Are there different...
Something happened, and I was trying to follow it.

Something happened where the wooden soldiers couldn't be released until there was

someone believed in the release. Someone believed in the toys.

Do these wooden soldiers are okay?

Well, this is the end of the movie, I believe.

I thought this is the beginning of the movie, is it? No.

I think when definitely when the tear comes out, is it? That's the guy.

Who is that? Who is that lion? Who's that football player?

What story is that problem?

I'm Tick Butkiss.

i was a character creator for dick butkus a cartoon show when the chicago bears i genuinely was like what the fuck is this guy doing here and he's crying and some animals in this movie do do like wonk wonk like like like a clench fist to eyeballs i feel like they had a

i feel like they had a bunch of costumes and then they were like can we just find other costumes and so like there's a bunch of mascots just like blended in now i will say i watched this so i watched half of the movie in a parking lot.

You were a few Astelie. Beautiful sports.
And then I watched the other half with our youngest son. Oh, wow.
And that was a different experience. He loved all of this.
He loved it.

And when he saw the cookies coming out of that guy's hat, he said, I wish I could have a cookie in my hat.

And then immediately after, I wish I had a hat.

So, and loved Drew Barry more, loved her, loved her, loved her. And then our older son came in too, and also loved every second of it.
So, this movie has an audience. Yes, I'm here to report

this movie has an audience. I'm a huge Pete Rose fan.
That's true. I mean,

let him be in the hall of fame this year. This movie glorifies Pete Rose.
And I'll tell you what, this movie doesn't like. This movie does not like people who are overweight.

Because there are so many,

so many fatty jokes. So many fatty jokes.
And here's the thing. This guy, Gooby, Googie, whatever his name is, Googie saves Kenner Reese from a...

There's a jailbreak in this movie, a straight-up jailbreak. And in this moment, like Googie saves him, and he's like, he said, I wrote it down.
He says, like... Do you mean Georgie Porgy?

Well, his name is Googie in the real world, right?

Is it? Is it? Yeah.

There's a character in this movie named Googie. Googie, yeah.

So if his, if his,

if his storybook character is going to be Georgie Porgy, why not have his name in the real world be George? George? His real name is Googie.

Wait. The actor's name is Googie.
You know what? That's it.

Thanks so much, you guys. It was a great night.
Thanks for watching.

It's not worth it.

Last episode of the podcast. Googie Gress is my name.

We're done. Wrap it.

What?

Googie Grass.

Googie Gress. Googie Gress.
Googie Gress.

Wait a second. Triple George.
Hold on. I gotta go back.
Goo as in G-O-O-G-E-G.

Googie Gress. Googie.
Like the movie. Googie.
Googie. Google.
Okay. And then the last name is Gress.
Googie Gress.

G-R-E-S-S. Googie Gress.
Googie Gress.

I'm done.

I have nothing to say for the ever. That's it.
Googie Gress. Wow.
You know Googie Gress, right?

How?

Wow. And that's an actor.
It's like, if anyone can sort of change their name,

get away with it. It's Gabby Googie.
Is it possible that it's Googie?

I thought Googie Gress was actually the actor who played The Friend and Teen Wolf, not the MTV show, the Michael J. Fox movie, but it's not.

Oh, no, that's a different guy. Well, maybe it's not.
No, he was Francis. Yeah, Francis.
You thought his real life name was Googie. His real life name is Googie.
No, Georgie Porgy. Georgie Porgy.

So in Georgie Porgy, Georgie Porgy. In the real world the movie,

in the real world, in the movie, is Georgie. It is Georgie.
Okay. And then Georgie Porgy.
And so when Georgie rescues Keanu in the fake world, he goes, Wow, you're the size of three heroes now.

It's like, motherfucker just rescued you. You call him fat? Like, just be like, thank you.
You're a hero. Like, you don't have to make a.

Isn't that kind of Georgie Porgy's thing? What's the Georgie Porgy story? Put his finger in some pie.

Wait, but what else else happened?

What happened after that?

Georgie weighs 17 and a half stone with a waist of 50 inches

and he's a conscious. Are you a British Wikipedia?

It's historicuk.com.

Why are you measuring in stone?

We're in America, baby!

Where we can't stop dying!

Too dark, really?

Oh, wait.

Despite his larger size, George also established for himself a rather poor reputation for his lusty romps with the fairer sex that involves several mistresses leaving a string of illegitimate children when he was 20.

What are you talking about?

How is this?

Georgie is based on a real person

oh oh oh i see what you're saying yeah i get it now okay yeah okay so i guess he was based on

george edward the first

okay anyway or or king george iv i can't get into this british wikipedia it's too complicated i'm everything's left to right i'm not gonna lie i still haven't recovered from googie i will never

take off my blazer i'm not present

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Now, I will say, I do want to talk about Eileen Brennan's performance. And I was hurt that you thought it was Ellen Burston because I was obsessed with her performance.
So good. She's so good.

I was obsessed with it. And she said she would, in hard times, sell some of the children? That made me laugh so.

I mean, yeah, I got it right here. She's hilarious.
I mean, yeah, she really lays it down. She's so good.

And to be clear, if you haven't seen Private Benjamin, do yourselves a goddamn favor and watch Private Benjamin. Goldie Han, Eileen Brennan, next level.
Go ahead, Paul.

When she says, says, there's a great line in here, too, where she says, like,

my mom had too many, my mom had too many kids, so they grew out of the

boots. Sorry, let me.
Feel out of the shoe and into a pair of boots. Yeah, I thought that was very funny.

You just have a list of jokes you liked.

At a certain point, I was enjoying the movie. I was just like my children.
I was enjoying every moment of it. I was like, that's fun.
I would like to go to that jail.

I mean, by the way, this other thing about Toyland is it is also a hollow earth movie because everything in this movie, there's so much underground passage. So much tunnels.
So many tunnels.

I had a question, though. Were the tunnels...
Was that... Okay,

so the bad guy, Barnaby Barnacle,

lives in a bowling ball.

Is that a story?

No, I'm not sure.

I don't think Barnaby Barner was aware of that. Okay, I want to make sure.

I want to make sure. Okay, because I liked that, though.
That was

crazy. And I thought

I liked the look of somehow an ominous giant.

Wish it had rolled down at some point. Well, by the way, they threaten it.
They say sometimes it does roll down and crash houses, and then I guess it goes back to the...

That was Chekhov's bowling ball house.

You don't put a bowling ball at the top of the hill unless it's going to roll down.

You want to see that bowling ball take out those cars at the end instead of that one character suiciding himself.

So what I couldn't understand was they seemed to establish two different places of evil, which is the underground caverns that they seem to exist in and the dark forest beyond.

Right, but we never really get to the dark forest.

Well, I felt like the dark forest beyond

actually, well, I thought, I don't think there is a dark forest. Now, this is interesting.

I don't think there is

anything like that. I think that he was using that as a way of sort of keeping everyone there, but I don't think there was actually

there were just gates. June, let me ask you this:

where is Pat Merida getting all that evil from?

I don't know. I mean, that's the thing.
Pat Merida is a collector of evil. Well, I have a theory.
Yes. I have a theory.

At the end of the movie, it seems to posit that Pat Merida, the toy master, is in fact Santa Claus. Who is wearing a Mrs.
Claus Claus outfit? No judgment. Yes.

Just need to keep one that that was the choice. Where's his hat? It was like, well, I don't know.
It's not there. So you think that's a Mrs.
Claus? It's definitely a Mrs. Claus.
It is?

I thought it very forward-thinking, very cool, gender-neutral Santa. I'm into it.
I fully believed that was Santa because I'll be honest. If I'm Santa, why would I ever wear a hat?

It's gonna blow off.

All the way, baby. I gotta tell you, this Santa's a little too hands-on for me because his little minions, everyone's got minions in this town.

His minions are like, Toy Maker, how do we fix this doll? He's like, oh, you got to put eyes on it. If they don't know the basics,

like, if Santa's got to put eyes on all the dolls, like, shit's gone south. He has not taught them the right thing.
Yeah. But Santa, but he is the toy.
He is Santa masquerading as a toy maker?

I think he's both. I don't know.
I think he is what he is.

To the world, he's like, I'm Toy Maker. But then he's like, but I'm also Santa.
Like, I feel like it's like

it's like

it would almost be like if

Superman was also the Flash. It's like, my secret identity is Superman, but I'm the Flash.
It's like, wait.

Well, no, because they say earlier that he's making all the toys for Santa. For Santa.
Right. So that would imply that the Flash works for Superman.

Well, yeah, I'm not going to get into the specifics of the DC universe, but I'm going to say this. I would love to.
Listen, I'd love to drill down on this.

I don't want to believe that Santa has a collection of evil things.

Well, yes, sorry, sorry, yes.

That's what I was going to say is in his experiences as Santa, he comes in contact with evil, takes it, and puts it in the urn. Hold on.
How do you encounter this in there?

Because he goes into the real world. He goes into our world.
He says, I've heard of Cincinnati. You know how? I go there and I deliver presents.
And so in our world, he encounters evil.

And so he bottles it up. Wait, wait, wait.
But how does he encounter evil?

Like, because it's like, does he go out and crime fight or is he just like, does he just have an urn open like capture like let me drive around here that movie give me that movie let me hang out at the like because there is some that's why I would say that's a different movie Pat Muridas the toy master he has a collection of evil ready to unleash it is a good question have other people because nobody seems phased when Drew Barrymore a human child arrives in Toyland.

Nobody seems like what are you or who are you or where are you from or whatever even though

she is from Cincinnati

there isn't a there isn't a an idea of good or bad uh until we reveal that bar and how is barnaby barnacle evil also

shouldn't this movie end with him being redeemed

It's like the Grinch, but he doesn't win. Yes, he's like the Grinch or the villain of the story, but for it to be a Christmas movie,

he should be filled with,

he should be redeemed, not banished to the bad forest with all of his demons or he's banished in that world but in real life he's learned his lesson at the five and dime and is we don't get that either

but wait but hold on now I need to ask you a question that I may have missed

she didn't really shoot out the back of that jeep

yes she did oh she did okay yeah definitely whoa whoa whoa whoa

whoa okay all right well here's what did you think happened okay I thought that she was cooking by stirring that pot and then she fell asleep and imagined everything on her couch. So you imagine,

you don't think she left the house? Yeah. Oh, so you thought that was a sound.
I thought it was like,

well, the Wizard of Oz, she's in a tornado. Yes, but it wasn't like...
Yes, but... Wait.

Yes, but?

Well, hold on. Do you agree, Paul, that in The Wizard of Oz,

Dorothy is in a tornado?

Yes, but here's my thought, is that she was in like a winter storm and the power went out in her house and she like the antenna fell or like we don't know what the reason is, but she conked herself out.

She had this vision of her going to her sister's store. We saw her conk herself out by jumping out of the back of a Suzuki sidekick on a sledge and hitting a tree.

But then where like at the end of the movie, okay, this is the end. Okay, this is my thought.
Sorry. I mean, I know I'm wrong.
I don't know why I'm fighting it, but I but I will.

This is shocking.

Because I just thought that like... Because the movie is very much about child endangerment.
Well, okay. But like, so she, like, she, okay, there's Santa.
Oh, wait.

Drew Barrymore, this is the age where Drew Barrymore would only star in movies in which something flies in front of the moon.

They were like, we got to get that ET shot. We got to get that ET shot in here.
Well, I guess my thought was like, when she wakes up on the couch, she's not bruised. She's not bandaged.

She's not in a hospital. This child flew out of the back of a Jeep.
She is concussed. Wow.

Without at a bear.

You shouldn't be alone. You shouldn't be like, oh my God, I flew out of the back of the Jeep.
I only got a concussion. Like, that would be like, you know.
You know what my thought was?

Because I was concerned about that, too. They are worried about her.
The mom says that we're really worried about you. But is Googie there?

Googie is there. Googie is there, but the little brother's in bed.
They took the time to put the brother in bed. They should be in the hospital.
She should be. It's a blizzard.

They're not supposed to be driving. Like, I don't know if you can.
So they went and found her body. Also, they brought it back to the house.
I think they were close to her.

Okay, here's what I want to say. So when Drew Barrymore, again, 11 years old, left home alone on Christmas Eve.
Okay, maybe that's the world we're living in, okay?

Where mom's getting changed in the television. The telephone line goes down and the

antenna falls off the phone. And the antenna for the TV.
The electricity doesn't go out. The TV and the phone.
She puts on her winter coat and walks to the toy store where her sister lives.

So they are in walking.

I mean, he's working. He's working.
He's working.

You know what I mean? But she's also.

She just walks there. An 11-year-old can walk there.

So then, if Keanu Reese is like, I'll drive you guys home, it must be like right there.

Why do they drive so long?

So many verses. So many verses of the sun.
They should be able to see

we're here. Here's the thing.

Suzuki Samurai

can only make right turns. So it does take a longer time.

I thought they were setting up that she walked a really long time to get to that five and ten store because that's how much of a little adult she is.

That would make sense.

In my mind, I was like, oh, it's small town America.

She lives 10 minutes from the store or something, you know, the equivalent of. Yeah.

She never left that house.

That's an absurd statement. So you think

that's an absurd statement? She had a...

So a concussion fantasy is different than like I fell asleep. In the Wizard of Oz, But the same thing.
In the Wizard of Oz, she doesn't just like concuss herself at home.

The house flies away. She feels like a fire.
So you say the concussion is creating the fantasy, not just asleep? Nah.

I mean, or she's dead. We got it.
We got it. Jacob's ladder scenario.
All right.

All right. So, all right.
All right. Let me ask you guys this.
What did you think about the big fix?

when they're all getting poisoned by gas and they say I cannot believe we haven't even talked about that. They're getting poisoned by gas.
And what they say,

this is nuts. They say, don't breathe it in.
And if you breathe it in, the gas is the personification of evil. So to breathe it in will turn them into ghouls or the minions of Barnaby Barnacle, right?

Thurachus that he's going to get. We get to see those monsters later on.
But the crazy thing is they're all yelling at each other to not breathe it in. Correct.

And in doing so, are just breathing it in.

much like all of us in here tonight.

And then Drew Barrymore's solution is, hey, if we can't breathe it in, let's all sing.

Because

I'm from Cincinnati and Cincinnati has, like, she says, I'm immune to the evil gases. I immediately goes, because I'm from Cincinnati.

Not like, because I'm not from your world.

It was like, not, it was just, because I am from Cincinnati. Then she's like, it's like the movie, because Barney Barnum, Barnaby Barnacle is also obsessed with her.
He only calls her, what is it?

Like

Cincinnati or Cincawati, yeah. Cinzawati?

Since a Watski, thank you. He only calls her Sinceawatski.
She's constantly saying Cincinnati. It's as if Cincinnati is a protective barrier or,

in another way of saying it, a good thing.

Which I have an issue with.

Now,

what she has to do here to save them is not only have them breathe in more poison gas, but also teach them the song.

They already know it. They know it in their hearts.
Yeah, they know it in their hearts.

Yes, Cincinnati. Think of it all with me.
It'll help keep your mind straight.

I come

from C I N C I N N A T I Cincinnati.

The best home, you know, H I O Ohio. USA

Come on, toy master's good evil algae. Hold on, it's good inside.
So not a name in Cincinnati.

How does he know the lyrics?

I'm sorry, every actor in that scene deserves an Oscar. Yes.
At least. What must have it been like to shoot this movie? On a process level, you're sitting in your chair, you're waiting.

Everybody's dressed up in their weird costumes. And you're like, do you know all the lyrics to this Cincinnati song? Let's rehearse it one more time.

And also, like, trying to figure out, like, what level of monster are you going for? Yeah. So, like, we're in the same movie.
You know, we all have to, like, figure out what that's going to be.

And by the way, they did. They did I mean when he goes

the sister does it next

they even goes harder into yep turning into evil and then so does Googie Googie does it the best because Googie is the one that there you think he's gonna lose it

somehow I don't know what it is yet but somehow Googie is the t-shirt I don't know

that guy's face just googie that's it

I'm also like what

Okay, Googie is not on the birth certificate. So what?

My mind is racing. Like,

what is his Christian name? Like, what? It's Greg?

Frank? For sure. Hold on.
Somebody said it here. What? It's Frank.
It's Frank. You're right.

No, it's Francis Googie Gress, born as Francis Gress Jr. Is Googie a common nickname that we've just never heard?

Does anyone in this room know a Googie? He was on the show charmed googie here he was on charmed he was on charmed is googie here ladies and gentlemen googie googie

all right guys i have how it came up francis rest jr was born in brooklyn new york and as an infant his father called him his googoo baby that became googie and he was raised in connecticut where there's a state law that if you have a stupid nickname it's stuck that's what he says in interviews um and he yeah that's it.

Hopefully. Introduce yourself that way.

That's

wow. That is like.

He lives here in Los Angeles. Let's get him.
Let's get Googie.

Find. Find Googie.
Bring him to us.

Wolf have to fight off his wife and three kids, Clara, Frank, and Gus. But besides that,

we can get him. Yes, he's married to the love of his life, Clarinda LaRoss.
But we can get him. We will raise those child as our own.
Those children as our own.

You know what? Let's let's see if anyone has some questions. This audience has a lot of information about Googie, a lot of questions about the movie.
So if you have a question, raise your hand.

And by the look of you, I'll see. All right, yeah, right down here.
You raise your hand first. What's your question? Oh, hi.
Hi.

Do you get like a very weird sexual innuendo through the entire movie with like young women and like those little women?

This is great. Okay, so I'm going to repeat it just because there's no mic there.
Is there like a weird innuendo that we're getting about child brides?

I would go so far as to say it is not an innuendo. Not at all.
It's just plain facts. Let me be clear.
It is not subtext. It is text.
Yeah. The text of this movie is: old men want to fuck

man marry young girls. Yeah.
Child brides. I mean, let's, I mean, now, I know we teased it.
I just feel like we have to play has this lecherous scene.

I think the only reason why it's so fun is because he's so good.

Hi there, beautiful.

I ain't been watching you with the teddy bears. What do you think you're running here, a charity bazaar? The merchandise was faulty.
There was no refund.

The customer took a punching bag in exchange and was quite satisfied.

One thing I can say for you, Angela, is your personal merchandise is by no means faulty, but when I say push the teddy bears, I mean push the teddy bears. Clear? I'm not a salesperson, Mr.
Barney.

I'm customer service, and I was doing my job. Doing your job is pleasing me, which in your case would not be difficult, you know what I mean? No, I don't.

You you know for a smart looking girl you're really pretty dumb don't you know it's better business to be nice to the boss than for some pretty stock boy with his fingers in the tail

wow

i didn't like how he said fingers in the tail

what a villain what a villain all right anybody else anybody else uh yeah yeah right here yes uh the movie was shot in west germany in 1986 and at one point they built a wall and then the trolls walked through it do you think it predicted the fall of the breaker wall great question

great Great question.

Let me repeat it just so we have it because it's so good. I mean, is that why Humpty Dumpty didn't fall off of him? Oh,

you know.

In 1986, the movie was filmed in Germany, and in the film, they burst through a wall. Does this movie predict the fall of the Berlin Wall? Well, that's why Georgie Porgy,

at one point, says, Mr. Barnacle, tear down this wall.

It was weird that they shot that lion

in an NFL jersey as he tried to run past the wall.

All right, anybody, Lizzie? Yeah, okay, yes, yes.

Did you hear the implication when Mary Panchari said that it's always daylight in boy lab, and they always seem to eat cookies and cakes?

Okay, what was the first part of that?

It's always daylight.

But you said something before that, right?

What's the implication of it or no?

Okay, got it. Yeah.
So what is the implication of it always being daylight? I wrote that down, too. That doesn't seem like a pleasant thing.
That seems like what you, like a torturous hell on earth.

Well,

I'm assuming that for the storybook characters, it doesn't matter. But for Drew Barrymore's character, she needs to sleep.
It's like Insomnia, that Robin Williams remake.

But here's the thing. Also, she said that cookies are everything.
Cookies are currency. They're also cookies.
And they're also driver's licenses. So, like, how do you know if you're eating a cookie?

Cookies are everything in this world. Cookies are for cakes, cookies are currency, cookies are driving,

it's everything. And the cakes that they're making,

we lost six months of cakes, but it doesn't seem like cakes would have that long of a shelf life.

It shouldn't be out there for six months. Yeah, not, it doesn't look like a refrigerated area at all.
No, I would agree with that.

I mean, let's be very clear. The cookie factory is not up to code at all.
The cookie factory seems to be making cakes.

Also, so many trapdoors. Every building is

dripping in trapdoors.

Don't talk to him. Don't point at me.

There was a roach, like the end of a joint?

Like a real roach.

There was a roach in the cookie factory.

Yeah.

Oh, so we're at the, yes, we saw that there was actually an actual roach

in the movie. An actual roach in the movie.
I didn't realize you were saying I was right. I agree with you.
I am right.

Yeah, over here. What do you got?

For the two actors that look like Riff Rath with a hunchmap,

do you think that both of those actors audition for the same same part and the director is like, I just gotta have them both? It is interesting.

So Richard Mulligan's character is surrounded by, I call him two nose for Atus. Like they're they're on either side of the.
Two nosferatu.

They um they are

they are identical.

They don't do anything different except for the one suicides himself in the car chase, which is he jumps out of the car like like dumb and fast and the furious but to no end just to the to the ground i don't don't know why ten thousand dollars for those two characters to be in fast and furious ten

without any explanation or or explanation that's the total brothers they come out of toy land to fast and furious 10 goes to toy land they get in those little cars they drive around and then they bring them into the real world

still shocked like it's one it's one thing seeing like drew barrymore in a little car she's so young but to see richard mulligan

in a little guy In that little car, in a little car that sounds like bubbles and like, like old, like Hannah Barbera.

It definitely had banana splits vibes. Yeah, and they're all driving around a town square.
Like, there's nowhere to escape. Even when Kenna Reeves escapes from the jail, he's not under any disguise.

He just drives right through the center of town. And at the end, when they're all racing, it seems like they're just racing through like a block.

They're just like, you know, it's like there's not much ground to cover. Like, just get out of your car and you'll catch them.
Yeah, just walk. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah. The cars don't go fast.

And they're being driven by children. And the other thing is,

the car chase,

our heroes all drive away. And what's left is Richard Mulligan and the Nosferatus just are driving in circles around a building at each other over and over and over until they crash.

So wait, no, let me say something because now I'm realizing something. So the moral, like, there's a lot of morals to Christmas movies, right?

There's, you know, like whether it's like the most 8-bit Christmas, the most important part of the holidays is not the gift.

It's about spending time with people that you love.

Whether it's, you know, the Grinch. Love, actually.
It's about

your wife getting a Joey Mitchell CD instead of the. She loves Joey Mitchell.
That is the thing. Or trying to steal your best friend's wife.

Or going to America and sleeping with a bunch of random people. All the love, actually, great holidays.
All the great bets. All the great bets.

But like here, the moral is, hey, kids, kids, don't grow up too fast.

Which is, by the way, but that's a fine, like, toy story, like, that's a fine moral. My problem, well, but my problem.
Katie's divorce kids. That's what this movie is about, I feel like.

Absolutely, but my problem is, like, I don't know that this is by choice. I don't know that she wants to be this little adult mother figure in her home.
She very much wants to be.

Believe she has to be to survive. Quote, I always wanted to be a kid.
That's devastating. What?

That's devastating. That's a line Drew Barrymore at 11 years old crushes.
And it's

devastating. It's true.
It's devastating. I always wanted to be a kid at 11.

I understood that. Do you want to believe Lisa? Yes, I do.
More than anything.

I guess life just made me grow up too fast.

Although I do still have my teddy, I kept teddy.

Did you hear that, everybody? She kept her teddy. Yes, I kept my teddy.

Now, what I really needed to see was when we were back in present day, I really needed to see that mom like clock this. All of it.
All of it.

And think, like, I'm going to make a few different choices. Change needed,

the change of what happened in Toyland needed to be established in the coda when she wakes up, right? That said, we would then understand her life would be made better.

She would be allowed to be a child. But hold on one second.
I'm looking at this and going, she doesn't even get to be the hero of the story, really. I mean, she helps.

She helps, but it's like, it's not her story. Like, it's like, well, I guess maybe that's Wizard of Oz too, right?

I mean, there's a world in which she comes back and says, like, hey, mom, I need help. I mean,

honestly,

where's dad? And then the mom hugs her, like, goodwell hunting says, not your fault. Yes.
It's not your fault. Or it's something like

the bare minimum we get in the movie is that she wakes up, they have a little bit of a. They're saying bear, like the least, not the bear, like a teddy bear.

There's a lot of bears in the bottom of the table. And she looks past, and there's a wooden soldier as one of the gifts on the thing, and it like salutes her or whatever.
And that's basically it.

It's like she still has a little bit of like the magic of

these toys come to life or whatever. I'm just saying that she is the adult, she is ultimately the adult in toilet.
Like, it might as well have been

adult choice. She wakes up on the couch, and her mom's like, I thought dinner was gonna be ready.

What were you mixing because you didn't clean the dishes? What's this? I heard you fell out of the back of a Suzuki sidekick.

Yeah,

your father's gonna be very upset when he finds

He's coming back, trust me. I wish I went to Twitter.
If only you would be more responsible, your father would come back.

It's also interesting, though. What's interesting to me is that they make her the middle child.

The mediator. Yeah, because she's not like, like, oldest daughter's powerful force in the world.

And usually take on that sort of like mother mother like energy in the household but she's actually the middle child taking care of her older sister and making dinner for her younger brother her first question when she wakes up from a couch coma

is where's johnny little brother where's the little boy i can't remember what his name is she where's johnny she just woke up from a coma and is remembering because that wasn't even part of the they weren't trying to find johnny in the beginning like johnny was with the mom mom was getting chains on her tires that was fine the mom was like hey look I know it's snowing I got a couple more errands to run I'll be back soon like the mom is not coming home but you know maybe what we're talking about is do we need hospitals

but again it's the 80s it's the 80s they basically were like walk it off

Pat Merida Karate Kid just slapped cushions weren't a real thing you got a couple of those

all right another question from the back anybody in from back yeah great yeah you can say that Is there any way where this traumatizes Keanu to basically develop the clothing technology in replicas to save his family?

Great idea. So people are hypothesizing: is this character that Keanu plays a prequel to what we saw in replicas where he

must replicate his family?

You know, I mean, I don't want to get too deep in the car accidents.

No.

Over there in the back, yeah, right there. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay, two quick things.
First,

I'm from Ohio, Cincinnati sucks.

A woman from Ohio says Cincinnati.

Cincinnati sucks. Cincinnati sucks.
Cincinnati sucks. Cincinnati sucks.
That's going in the podcast. Devin, keep it in.

I hope we never play Cincinnati.

So, your whole argument that a sled is not this like influential and amazing gift for child.

one word rosebud

okay so someone's coming after this isn't done spoolspooled folks

is that amy nicholson standard but that's not get out of my nicholson thank you amy nicholson uh for that so she she brings up now i have i have an answer for that you said

they're going to repeat the question she said uh paul you say that you know a sled is not influential sizzan rosebud she she said rosebud, Susan Kane reference. Here's what I'll say about that.

When was Citizen Kane made?

1942.

How old was Citizen Kane?

Charles Foster Kane when he died?

How old when was he born? When was he born?

What's happening?

Let's just say this. Why are you condescending to our audience? Yeah, they're just saying this.
They're here in math. Let's just say this.

Let's just. Why are you yelling at us? Let's just say this.

In 1911, a sled would be a big fucking deal. So I agree with you.
Yes, if in 1911 I was 10 years old and I got a sled, I'd be like, oh my god,

the only thing for entertainment is newspapers. Yeah,

it would be the fucking best. This is 86.
We're talking goodies in the movie theater. Nintendo's on our screen.
Sylvester Stallone is killing Russians you're giving me a fucking fuck you and your sled

give me a nerf gun give me laser tag give me a gift wow Paul Scheer the spirit of Christmas gimme gimme gimme wow

did you ever did you ever go

yes I went sledding and guess what the other kids have fucking sleds and you take turns oh so you're a fucking chair so you're a wait a second so you never used one

So you never had one.

I had a sled. I had a sled.
It doesn't register with me because it's not that big of a fucking deal. You were.

You were

a sledless.

You were one of those sledless kids who's like, can I get a ride on your sled?

Can I get a ride on you? Get ready. Hey, I got that next

sled. Get ready, motherfuckers.
I'll drop this on you. I had a horse-drawn carriage.
We bring that shit out in the winter. And I didn't give a shit about

the horses are in the middle of the house.

Oh, that's right, you had horses. So we would put on the fucking skis on the horse-drawn carriage.

Put skis on horses? That's on the carriage. That's not a sled.

That's not a sled. I'm just saying, I got winter toys.
That's not a toy.

It's not a toy of giant manner and a sled.

This is insanity. I'm really upset.
I'm I'm really upset. And I'm parenting with this person, okay?

We're the stewards of childhoods, and this is very scary. I'm like, that is, this is wild.
These are wild takes, Paul.

Anybody else got a question?

Yeah, right over here.

Oh, I went here, but you go there.

I gotta talk about this character. All right.

Repeat.

This is Trollogue. This is like a dark crystal kind of character, a Henson-esque Muppet that is a Cyclops bird whose giant main eye is also a TV.

And looks dead. And looks

dead. Like, it is unsettling.
It's like the difference between creating a Muppet and a statue with one moving part is just light years. But the thing is,

and Richard Mulligan continues to use it in order to spy on Drew Barrymore and Kiana Reeves and the heroes of the story. So that's how he's staying ahead of them.

But every frame in the movie, you're looking at the gross, cloudy eye of this puppet, and then like a TV screen is kind of superimposed onto it. It's disgusting.
It really is. And bizarre.

And really, and this is where I was like, oh, I kind of am into this.

I wish this had like a dark crystal. I wish these characters were more sketzies, more scary, more creatures, but they're not.
They see, again, you see all the seams and all the weirdness.

And yes, you're right. They put him in a box.
They put him away. Of course, Trollog should come back.
And maybe even help defeat his owner or his.

It's about,

it's not about turning the tide. It's just about...
Really, it's not about that. It's just about him being banished.

Nobody gets converted in a Christmas movie into feeling the power of Christmas or believing in toys.

Like Barnaby Barnacle

that believes in toys again so that the movie can resolve. It doesn't need to be Drew Bear anymore because

he is the equivalent of someone who's not interested in it.

I agree. He's the villain.
Oh, actually, I just had a thought about something. Is it about sleds are awesome? Well,

June, your movie Apic Christmas. Does the kid in that movie want a sled?

Doubling down. No.

What does he want? A Nintendo. Nintendo 1986.
Here are some of the toys that came out in 1986.

Fucking Nintendo. That's a toy.
My pet monster had it. That's a toy.
Paul, can I ask you to get it? My buddy had it. Hey, Paul's a toy and a friend.
Quick question. Quick question for you, Paul.

Omnibot 2000 had it. Do you think that Mary, working at the five and dime, dime, can afford a fucking Nintendo price? She's the baby of

Photon. She gives half of her salary to pay for this.
It's a generic toy to laser tag. It was cheaper than laserjag, and I had photon.
Anyway, I had a lot of these 96 toys.

Now, are you just using this to flex? Teddy Ruxpin had it. I had it.
I had a photon. This is sass.

This is so sad. You're going to have a lot of it.
Sheriff costume had it.

Wanted it.

Why do you have that bookmarked? Why is that so accessible to you? That list of toys you had

in 86. And I'm not going to

say what I'm not going to do tonight is I'm not going to go back on thinking sleds are cool. Okay.
I do. I think sleds are great and awesome and a lovely gift.

What I'm also going to say, though, is that this is her sister. This is her older sister.
This isn't, she's not going to get like the thing of her dreams necessarily. She works at the five and dimes.

Yes, and and this is a lovely thing for an older sister to get a younger sister. Especially a younger sister who she feels like is behaving too responsibly.
She wants to give her the house.

She wants to give her a toy, something to have fun with, something to exactly leave the house. She's the bake oven.

Whoa,

misogynist.

Now we see.

Now we see

that. Put her in the kitchen, Paul.

Double. So she understands.

Double her.

her.

Give her a practice oven for her future easy bake oven. I was like, let's get her a toy so she can make more food for the family.
Not because she's not because.

Wow.

Wow. They need to eat.

This

is

truly covered. Clearly, I'm right.

There's other opinions out there.

And

We have placed this microphone down here on stage. We have had two people coming up here.
What's your name? My name's Anna. Anna, welcome.
Give it up, Ryan.

All right, here we go.

It is now time for second opinions. Woo!

Drew Barry Moore wakes up in Toyland Toyland where she

teams up with friends and family to overthrow Barnaby.

5.4 out of 10 stars on IMDb.

Does it sound forgetful? Well, it was made for TV.

Mulligan, Brennan, and Reeves, let's go. Like a Christmas show.
Pat Merita has the toys ready to go.

Giddy up, giddy up, sick and opinions thrive on how did this get made live. Babe's in Toyland 2021 and we made it out alive!

Yes!

Beautiful!

Amazing!

Amazing! First person back, get it out of the park. Absolutely stunning.
Thank you so much. Next one, come on.

Beautiful voice. My God.

Or what's your name? I'm Natalie. Natalie, welcome.
That's great. Where you were saying it was perfect.
I love your stellar skateboard shirt. All right, Natalie, take us away.
It is now time for

opinions.

I'm dreaming of a crap movie

just like the ones I used to watch,

where the humpty dumpties don't fall.

Tell me what's the point

of it all.

Amazing.

Thank you so much. That was amazing.

Wow.

That was fantastic.

Guys, I just had a moment of panic. What? That I was like, oh shit, am I recording this? Because we've been doing it at home on Zoom so much.
It's like, I didn't, I don't think I hit record.

I don't think I hit record on QuickTime. I literally had that.
We have our amazing, our amazing

up there in the booth. Devin, up in the booth.

It was.

Just to be clear, Devin, are you recording this?

Jason and June, I normally do second opinions.

What is this?

Are you okay? Are you about to propose?

I just want you to know, and this is for everybody in the audience and for you both to know, you don't know what's about to happen. Oh, I'm scared.
I don't like surprises, Paul. What did you do?

But I'm not going to do second opinions today.

I am not going to do second opinions today. I have a googie cameo.
I have a very special guest doing our second opinions, so here we go. Okay.

Take it away,

Drew

Barrymore.

Oh, hello, June, Jason, and how good. How are you guys? I'm so excited to do this with you.
Let's read some reviews, shall we? For the obscure masterpiece, Babes in Toyland.

By the way, Keanu Reeves was just here, and he sends you all his best. All right, Lynn M.
Hansen writes, Subject line, Drew Barrymore. That's right, Drew Barrymore.

Drew Barrymore does a great job in this remake of Babes in Toyland. It is not my favorite, but it is very good.

And then, five stars!

I think that's where that review was going, but okay.

Ben writes, I remember being scared of this movie when I was a kid. Those creatures and those two evil sidekick dudes really creeped me out.
So I just watched it again.

About 30 years since seeing it as a kid, and I'm happy to report that it's just as creepy as I remembered.

I will update my review in another 30 years when I watch it again to see if it's still as terrifying. Five stars!

Jay Pensian writes, I absolutely love this movie. I absolutely love this movie to death, but it's only on VHS.
It's one of the best versions of Babes in Toyland in my opinion.

If anyone knows how to get this in DVD form, let me know. I'd do anything to find it.

Let me know. It would really make my holiday and year.
And if you haven't seen this movie and still have a VHS, buy it ASAP. Why are you still reading? Buy it now! Five stars!

I'm just going to go on record and say I had no idea that anyone knew about this movie.

It's exciting to see that anybody gave it a five-star review. And I bet there are a lot of one-star reviews out there of it as well.
And I'd be interested in seeing those too.

But as the person who was in this movie when I was 11 years old, we shot it in Munich, Germany for six months and we just had the best time ever. It was actually really fun.
And

I don't know. All I can say is that I

give

you guys

June and Paul and Jason. Five stars.
Oh my god, I love her so much.

Drew Barrymore. Incredible.

Surprise. Incredible.
My Christmas gift to you both. Thank you so much.
Okay, I love her so much, and I just, I just love her so much.

And that is watching this movie, I was like, God, she's so winning. And so is Keanu.
Like, watching those two child faces in this movie, it really does make it so

watchable.

And they are something too. I just want to like, I spent all of yesterday writing a script for Drew and Keanu because they were going to do it together.

Their interview ran too long, and he had to run to another event. So at the last second, like, he had signed off on it, he had done it.
We had them going back and forth with different reviews.

But they were both, the fact that they are both still like that, like into it and having and friendship

and that they're both still thriving. Yes.
Oh, God, are they ever? They are thriving. God, are they ever?

TikTok, Mr. Wick.

They are both thriving. And what's and I will say this: like, the movie is, the movie, I mean, the movie is just absurd and an absolute cavalcade of nonsense,

but it's watchable because they are so good, as is Pat Merida, as is, and I'm forgetting the actress who plays Mary, her sister, who's great, as is Ellen Burston,

as is Jerry Aurobach, as is.

Nobody puts baby in the corner. But listen, that's what makes the movie work because if it didn't, it would be unwatchable.

And as it is, it is delightfully unwatchable because you're like, what the fuck? Six months?

Six months? Six months.

Doing what?

Six months? The whole movie takes place. Takes place on a pile of dirt.
45 minutes. That's two hours and 25 minutes.
That was the original cut. Now, here's the thing.

You were talking, people were talking about. Thank you, Paul.
That was a real treat. That was incredible.

That was a surprise and a real treat.

June and I, no idea, just so you guys know, just as

terrified.

Yeah, I would not surprise you with that. And now, ladies and gentlemen, googie.

But I will say this.

People are saying, you know, is this a prequel to Keanu Reeves' character in replicas? It's not, but it is responsible for Keanu Reeves learning how to ride a motorcycle. He did not know how to do it.

He wanted to learn. He paid a woman there in Munich to ride a motorcycle in this movie? No, he just

while he was there. The six months that he was there.
And he now owns a motorcycle company. Yes.

This movie literally started that love of motorcycles. He liked motorcycles, but he learned.
And when he came back from this movie, his first purchase was a motorcycle. Wow.

And like we said, this movie came out in 1986. It's rated G.

It's rated G, but

there is at the end a saving Private Ryan level of violence.

The wooden soldiers come out with guns and cannons that don't shoot like silly string. There's something fun and story timey.
They shoot bullets and cannonballs. Yeah.
You got it.

I mean, look, there's some harsh realities here. And that also speaks to Drew's character's mind.
She wasn't going to envision funny confetti. True.
Bullets.

True. The tagline of this.
A commentary on the Vietnam War.

The quagmire of Toy Land.

The tagline is

kind of a clunker.

You must truly believe in toys.

Which kind of gives away the ending, if that's your tagline. But here's what I.
My question about that is: it's the

the idea that belief in toys toys not toys

not exactly not the Christmas spirit also not here's uh it's like toy story is it is about the toys and it isn't you know, it's also about imagination and that's also what they're missing here, which is the idea that you just believe in an inanimate object.

Like that's not what

we are believing in. We're believing in what children can make up in their own minds And stories we can tell.
Stories is almost more what it would be.

The belief of the Christmas spirit or the story of Christmas or the generosity or the whatever, nothing.

The toys themselves. She doesn't leave with an actionable thing.

She goes back home or awakes from her coma, however you want to view it, and says, I now believe in toys, which I don't think that's going to change the day-to-day. No, it's not.

Like, I still think that the mom's gonna be like, we need food on the table. I gotta go run some more errands with your little brother.

He wants to be a commercial actor. We gotta get him out there for audition.
Did you really, like, did you feel like for you, you connected with her character a lot as having not had a real childhood?

I will say this.

When you were,

and I mean this in a very sincere way.

When you were talking about that wasn't normal, like her answering the phone and cooking dinner, I was like, really? Like, that,

like, that didn't seem like that didn't seem bizarre. Like, none of that stuff read weird.
I was like, yeah, yeah, she's just a kid. Like,

so that she's just a kid who's got to get dinner done on time and make sure the little brother's taken care of.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that stuff seemed like. She also does that thing where she's like, ring, ring, ring.
Hi, mom. Hi, how are you? Like, where she just immediately launches into conversation.

Top three movies 86. Top Gun, Crocodile Dundee, The Karate Kid Part 2,

the other movies from 86 from How Did This Get Made? Cobra, Howard the Duck, and Maximum Overdrive, and Rad. So it's a big year for How Did This Get Made.

Would you recommend people see Babes in Toyland? I would. I would too.

Yeah. Absolutely would.
Yeah, I think so. It's wild.
It's sucks.

I would argue that

not only do I want people to see it, but I want people to see it in a volume that demands that we get the longer cut. The 145.

I want the 145 in the same way that I want Peter Jackson's 15-hour cut of Get Back.

Yes.

By the way, that's why it's a six-month, it was a six-month shoot. 145.
Two hours and 20 minutes. And they had, you know, and but they were.
Hold up for one second. Did anybody here watch the 145?

Raise your hand. Don't go crazy.

No. You're rational people.
Okay. You're people from LA.
You have other things to do. That's why Quippy was involved.
I'm just curious if someone had. what I was curious.

What did they see? Well, basically, there's a couple of reviews that I read where people were a little bit more excited about.

There's some better songs. They felt like the better songs were left on the cutting room floor.
Interesting. But again, those are people leaving five-star reviews for Babes and Twilight.
So

I'm not really judging their taste as an arbiter of mine. But I will say this much.

What I love about this movie is, and we talked about this before, like whether it's like Valerian and a thousand planets or Jupiter Ascending, whatever we watch her, it's like, I like fucking we, like, it's like this is a kids' movie, like, they will never make like a movie this weird.

You'll never have the peering Humpty Dumpty, like,

yeah. Oh, by the way, just while we're at it, someone go home, make that GIF.
Yeah, Jif? Yeah,

make that gif. I want that gif of Humpty Dumpty peering out.

Put it up on the whatever.

Well, we have done it. It's our first live show back.
Felt great. Jason, June.
I'm Tall John.

Holy shit. A big thank you to Devin up in the booth.
Our producer, Molly Reynolds, our producer, Cody Fisher,

all the people who make this work. Avril Halley for finding this movie and sticking with it for three years.

Nate Kiley,

who does all of our amazing research. And now I will say this, Jason and July Diaz.
July Diaz, who is our MVP, our person who listens through the whole thing.

Always getting Kyle Waldron and, of course, Zach McAliese, who's a ghost of Craig T. Nelson on Instagram, who does all of our art.
Jason June, what do we want to promote?

What do we want to talk about?

I don't need to plug anything. I just want to say I'm just so happy to be here.
And thank you for wearing your masks and coming out. And I'm just thrilled to be at a live show.

I was going to say the exact same thing. I was just going to say thank you, the live audience, for coming to this show and welcoming us back.
Because I'll be honest, there is nothing,

literally nothing that I have missed more than standing on sitting on stage with you guys talking to you fucking idiots about some piece of nonsense true it is and so this is incredible

yeah

thank you for making this happen and I want to I want to add I want to add one more thing to that which is I want to thank the amazing staff here at Largo who run such an amazing theater they put on

that. They take care of people.
Yeah.

Because one of my big fears when the pandemic happened, and we talked about Flanny and Largo so much because I was so, we were so terrified about what was going to happen to the space. And

they just run a beautiful theater here. And I am so,

I walked in and I wanted to cry because I'm so thrilled that they're here and encourage you all to continue to support the other shows that are here. I'm sure you do, but please check them out.

It's a miracle environment. I'm so glad that they're still here.
Our home, so please support our home. Be nice to all these people.
Come back and see shows.

Jack, we said Jason and I we perform improv here. You can check it out.
It's dinosaur. But thank you for being here.
Thank you for coming. Yes.
And thank you for

being you. Babes in Toyland Forever.
We will now pose for a picture. We'll give you a picture.

Hear that? That's me in Tokyo learning to make sushi from a master. How did I get here? I invested wisely.
Now the only thing I worry about is using too much wasabi.

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