Juvenile Court is Back!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me is the grown-up child himself, Judge John Hodgman.

The grown-up only child, if you please.

I never want to lose my status as an unsiblinged human.

Never had to share a toy with anyone in my life, including my dear friend 2XL back here, my very own robot.

That's for the people who are watching on YouTube.

I think think he's obscured by my shoulder.

No, there he is.

You can see him very clearly over at Judge John Hodgman Pod at YouTube.

And if you're listening on the podcast, you can hear him.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

I got so scared.

I thought for once my childhood dream that my robot would come alive had come true.

Even better.

I got tricked, didn't I?

Even better, Judge Hodgman.

We've got a juvenile docket this week, and we are joined by a juvenile.

My daughter, Scarlett, returns to the program.

Scarlett, welcome.

Yes, we have a juvenile.

So glad to have you back here in juvenile court.

You did scare me a little bit there.

I did think that my robot toy had finally come to life like I'd always dreamed, but it was good that you're here because this juvenile docket is overflowing because it is full of kids, and those kids are full of beans.

The truth is, we've left them a very unjust world, and we need to, the reckoning has come today on juvenile court, Judge John Hodgman.

So, so, Scarlett, how are you?

We haven't spoken for a while.

Would you, what'd you, what, what, what, what's been going on in your life?

What's your favorite thing these days?

Basketball is what I hear.

I really like basketball.

I really like the Sims 4.

Yeah, lately, it's been all The Sims 4 all the time.

The Sims 4.

Is that a new one or is that like a vintage Sims?

The newest Sims game.

I like Sim City, but they haven't made it since 2013, so I have to play this janky old version that's constantly breaking down and throwing off cogs and gears and stuff.

What are you building in the Sims?

A house, a community, a better world?

I create a sim, and then I

like to

see how a lot of times how good I can make the sim.

I have this one sim that I made named Lancrosta Lamolavitalo.

Yeah, and

she has maxed out every single skill, every single power, and is a millionaire.

She made her money growing plants in a greenhouse, right?

Not in a greenhouse, in her backyard.

She started out in a rectangle, and now she lives in a mansion.

That is an incredible story.

No cheat codes, just like 200 hours.

Whoa.

No, I'm just kidding.

That was an overstatement.

That was an overstatement.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I'm not actually that obsessed with you.

But still no cheat codes, right?

No cheat codes.

It's probably been 15 to 20 years since I messed around with The Sims.

Sims.

And I don't know what I was doing wrong, but all my Sims would pee on the floor.

Yeah, you got to go to the bathroom, that's how.

I would go to the bathroom, but when I came back, my Sims were all peeing on the floor.

Anyway, we've got a lot of injustices brought to us by a lot of kids of all ages, but I mean genuine kids, usually against their parents.

And I hope that you will help us adjudicate and dispense some justice today.

Is that acceptable to you, Scarlett?

Very serious stuff today.

Very serious stuff today, indeed.

Bailiff Dad.

That's a good movie.

Bailiff Dad.

Yeah, not a bad movie.

I mean, you know.

Well, we're just starting.

It's just an idea so far.

It's a concept.

Bailiff Dad, my dad, the bailiff.

Well, we'll get it.

We'll get it by the end of the episode.

We'll break it down.

Here's a case from someone who hasn't given her name, but says she is not my child.

Oh,

interesting.

I have a pressing matter.

My dad watches too much football.

I just just want to play the basketball video game NBA 2K.

When I ask him if he wants to play, he says he needs to work on his dumb podcast where he answers dumb questions.

Whoa.

I just heard everyone back over there laugh.

All I want to do is play NBA 2K.

Please tell my dad to play NBA 2K with me instead of watching football and doing his dumb podcast.

Just to be clear, I'm not Jesse Thorne's daughter.

No, this is a complete stranger to all of us, I presume.

Completely different person.

I've never heard of this person my entire life.

All right.

Is this person just coincidentally also named Scarlett by any chance?

Um, no,

or letter unsigned.

Um, the letter is probably unsigned.

Well, let me ask you this.

I don't know.

I don't know anything about that person.

Since you clearly did not write this and you're obviously completely neutral, yeah.

Have you ever played the video game NBA 2K?

And can you make the players pee-pee on the floor?

No, well, you can't, but I've played

only about 700 hours of that game, maybe a little more.

Scarlett's really lucky because she has a dad who

loves to play NBA 2K

and isn't afraid to use the 1992 Golden State Warriors to toast her rear, raining down threes from Chris Mullen and Tim Hardaway.

Well, actually, the thing is, is that now I bet if we played, I would beat you by like 30.

Like the last time when I used the Timberwolves and I scored 81 points.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Remember that when I used Anthony Edwards and I dunked on you a couple times?

You had like 50.

I had like 130.

You remember that?

No.

Yeah.

I don't remember that.

Your heart?

Your heart's racing.

You remember winning a bunch of times.

You remember winning a bunch of times, but not too many, considering now that I'm good at the game because I actually play it against decent CPUs.

I'm going to smoke you.

I'll tell you what.

When I was in college, John Hodgman.

Hang on.

I'm having my own conversation with my own friend about things we care about.

No.

Hi, 2XL.

Do you remember when I used to sit alone in my room with you and you would quiz me on Bigfoot trivia from your eight-track cassette tape?

And I wished you would come to life.

Remember that?

Yes, I do remember that.

I don't like it.

2XL has a very specific voice.

I don't know if I can get 2XL running again, but the inventor of 2XL,

this is a little plastic robot that has, it's really an eight-track cassette player, and it has four different tracks.

And it would ask you trivia questions, and then you would do multiple choice in A, B, and C, and then it would tell you, good job, or Mazotov, you did a good job.

And he had a really funny New York voice that I can't imitate.

And the inventor of this toy did the voice and recorded all the lines himself.

You can probably find it on YouTube if you're on YouTube.

Go over to check it out.

But check it out first over at Judge John Hodgman pod.

Were we talking about basketballs?

I was just saying, when I was in college, I had a roommate named Nathaniel.

Nathaniel is now a professional video game developer.

Whoa.

Very successful in the world of video games.

Yeah.

And Nathaniel is what

would traditionally be called,

let's say a non-jock.

Sure.

Let's say a non-jock.

And so.

A knock?

Yeah, exactly.

And in, so in our living room, a lot of things went down.

There were a lot of Japanese market-only fighting games being played by Nathaniel and my current co-host, Jordan Morris of Jordan Jesse Go,

that they would burn on CD and play on the Sega Dreamcast.

There was a lot of playing of a game called Seaman

where

where a fish with a human face lives inside your dreamcast and talks to

Leonard Nimoy.

Doesn't get better.

You got to to talk.

You got to encourage him, but

you got a pretty sour attitude.

And then the other thing that would happen is Nathaniel and I would play sports video games.

And sports video games were great because I knew the rules of the sports and Nathaniel didn't.

So it sort of balanced out

our relative video game skills so that we could play against each other.

But what would happen is

it would start with Nathaniel not knowing the rules of football at all.

And then

I would trounce him.

Yeah.

And then I would feel bad for him.

So I would teach him the rules of football.

And then we would have relative parody.

And then just one day I would accidentally let slip that maybe like on third and long, you should pass instead of running.

I mean, I don't need to explain this to you, John.

And

then Nathaniel would just start destroying me.

Like this was like a, in each sport, this took roughly four weeks, I would say.

This is like a progression.

It was like growing a, it was like growing a bean in elementary school you know getting a bean to sprout you could just see it happening before your eyes nathaniel learning to destroy me and i i've always knew that this was coming for me when i played sports games with my daughter yeah that she is a much better video game player than i and plays a lot more video games than i do so

And she knows the rules of the sports.

Once she realized that how to pass out of a double team, I was out of luck.

All right.

I just, I feel like I blacked out there for a second during that one phrase.

I'll tell you something.

I'm no Nathaniel.

Many, many people have tried to teach me the rules to football.

And they've all failed.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

It does not, as my friend 2XL might say, does not compute

in my brain, including.

beautiful women who were trying to teach me the rules of football when I was single.

And I would be like, didn't get it.

And then I would stand up and I'm like, this isn't going to work.

Goodbye.

But you know what rules of the game I do know?

Basketballs.

Some have said that basketball is my favorite sport.

Why?

You like the way to dribble up and down the court.

Oh,

this is what the lesson is here.

Let me tell you something.

There are two conflicting principles of the law here.

Well, no, they're kind of the same, actually, but there's one, which is we're training our own replacements as parents.

And in that regard, I don't know what's going on with this hypothetical dad, but uh, Bailiff Dad is doing a very fine job.

And at the same time, there's also the song Cats in the Cradle about a dad who didn't spend enough time with their child playing video games.

And it's, I don't know, I think maybe this dad should stop watching a game that I don't understand and play a video game with their child before they disappear as my own children did, leaving me only with a plastic robot for company.

So, you might surprise you to learn, Scarlett, that I'm I'm learning, I'm leaning towards ruling in favor of this hypothetical child.

Do that.

Do you agree?

Do you have anything you want to add?

Do you have any digressions or tangents that you'd like to add to my sentence?

Actually, yeah, I definitely do.

So when it comes down to it, it doesn't belong to this hypothetical not Jesse Thorne dad.

What doesn't belong to this dad?

The TV.

The TV doesn't belong to the dad?

You can have all the fun in sports if you play sports with

your child.

How often?

Instead of watching the 49ers who suck, they didn't make the Super

Super

Super Supplement.

How often does this hypothetical dad actually get to use the television in his living room?

All the time.

All the time, 24-7.

I think we'd need to send in a fact-finding mission to determine that for sure.

I'm going to say 5% less football, 5% more NBA 2K.

This is the sound of the...

More NBA 2K.

5% more podcast, 5% less football.

That's where you're going to find the time.

And I'm going to bonk to XL on the head gently.

No, no, no.

That's just the sound of a gabble.

He loves it.

He's a robot.

He doesn't have any feelings.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Here's something from Richard in San Francisco.

My nine-year-old child, Milo, is a huge fan of manga.

They won't stop pestering me to let them read manga meant for teen readers.

Right now, they're asking to read Uzumaki and Jujutsu Kaizen.

I don't want to expose them to age-inappropriate themes.

Plus, they need something to look forward to when they're older.

I seek an injunction prohibiting Milo from pestering me about manga for teens until they are at least 12.

Now, if I had done my homework, I would have read these manga and I would have had an informed opinion.

on them.

But luckily,

we have a young person here who seems to have some familiarity with Uzumaki and Jujutsu Kaizen.

Remind us of your age, by the way.

I am

27 currently, almost 28.

They grow up so fast.

I know, they really do.

It seems like just yesterday you were 11 and tomorrow you'll also be 11.

But bear in mind that the child in this case is nine, Scarlett.

So go ahead and tell us what you think.

So jujitsu Kaizen, I've kind of peeked over my

little sibling when they watch the actual anime of it, not the manga.

So I don't know about the manga, but I know that in the anime, there's kind of a lot of intense and like blood and stuff.

So for a nine-year-old, that could be hard.

I haven't seen the manga.

I'm assuming it's pretty similar.

It might even be harder.

It might even be harder.

It could go harder in the manga.

So I would normally be like always up for like whatever the kid thinks that they can handle, but they might not be able to handle Jiu-Jitsu Kaisen.

And the other one, Uzumaki, no idea what the heck that is.

So I don't, I can't have input on that, but what I would say would be,

yes, maybe not right now, but maybe bring your, the time that you have back a little bit, maybe from 12 to 11.

How old is your sibling, Violet, who watches Jiu-Jitsu Kaizen?

Eight, but they're really messed up that you don't want to be like them.

Uzumaki, according to my research that I'm doing on the fly, is a dark fantasy, psychological horror, horror, supernatural manga.

Those are its three genres, written by Junji Ito.

And the series tells the story of the citizens of Kodrosucho, a fictional town which is plagued by a supernatural curse involving spirals.

Honestly, there is no manga or anime, in my experience, where you can read the Wikipedia entry and not sound like you're just making up a bunch of words.

Like, or like having one of those linguistic strokes, you know, where

just nonsense sounds come out of your mouth.

Yeah, some kind of aphasia or something.

I don't know if that's the right term.

The amount of bananas that any

manga or anime sounds like when you read a summary of it off of Wikipedia cannot be overstated.

During the process of finding a way to draw a long building, Ito was inspired by the shape of a mosquito coil and decided he could make the building long by having it spiral.

He noted that the spiral is a mysterious pattern and described writing Uzumaki as an attempt to learn the secrets of the spiral.

Yeah, I think we've all faced that problem, right?

Where you

want to draw a building, but it's too long.

It was made into a movie in 2000, and I wonder.

I don't know the age, the recommended age range.

I have have to trust the dad in this case richard in san francisco saying that they are 14s and i have to trust scarlet who says that probably

uh jujutsu kaizen is a little bit too intense for a nine-year-old uzumaki i don't know here's what i would say look i can speak from life experience uh scarlet and jesse i'm older than both of you Yeah, right.

And I can tell you that Jay Evans came over.

We rented an anime one time when we were in our 20s.

And he came over to my house and we watched it.

And I didn't know what this thing was, but I saw stuff that I cannot unsee.

It was too intense for me in my 20s.

This is something that I would not have wanted my own child to see.

So one, this is not to malign anime or manga, but.

Anyone who enjoys the forum knows that some of it is intended for mature audiences for sure.

And look, you you never know exactly what's going to lead a child down a different path, for example.

And I do think that when your kid is maybe 10 or 11, it starts being a right time for them to be reading and watching a little bit above their pay grade.

But nine, I wouldn't say.

And Scarlett, we're in agreement, right?

That Jujutsu Kaisen is probably not for this nine-year-old, right?

Not for a nine-year-old.

Definitely 12 is too much for a kid to wait.

But maybe it's because I'm unpatient.

If I was in that situation, I don't know what I would.

would do.

Well,

you should be able to read and watch whatever you want in your 11, right?

I watch basically anything I want to watch, but I do usually just ask first because just I would say that on Jujutsu Kaizen, wait until the child is 11, Richard from San Francisco.

And as for the other one, Uzumaki, which is, after all, Ito's masterpiece, I don't know the work.

You should read it first and decide.

Why are you asking me?

You're the parent.

You provide guidance.

You read this stuff and let them know.

Judge Hodgman, I looked up Uzumaki on Common Sense Media.

This is

anime.

Common Sense Media is such a horrible website to see what things have in it.

It really isn't.

It's a really good website for seeing what things have in it.

Our oldest child is obsessed with describing it as horrible,

but it's very useful for understanding the content of entertainment your children might consume.

There's a category.

Well, I'm all about common sense solutions.

There's

what they're trying to get you to think.

It's recommended for 15 plus on common sense.

Because it's common sense media.

They overstate things.

Okay, this is what it says in the category of violence and scariness.

Ominous sounds and music.

Creepy laughter.

Creepy.

Ominous sounds.

Characters frequently express fear through screams, paranoid outbursts, widened eyes.

Body horror includes human bodies twisted into destructive shapes, distorted body parts like a tongue that's too long, and transformations into inhuman forms.

Curses cause people to develop unhealthy obsessions.

People get eaten and absorbed.

Gruesome depictions of self-harm, which sometimes ends in characters' death.

Teenagers bully a classmate.

They verbally abuse him and remove his clothes before pushing him naked into a crowded hallway.

All right, so maybe not that one.

Maybe wait till you're like 15 for that one.

But for jiu-jitsu Kaisen,

just wait till you're 10 for jiu-jitsu Kaisen.

But for the other one, maybe wait a little bit.

I think you could do worse than to follow Scarlett's advice there, Richard, from San Francisco.

And also, you know your child and you know your values and you can read them.

You also, I presume, can read.

Hopefully.

pictures.

So you should read them and see for yourself.

And, you know, my favorite anime growing up, of course, was Battleship Yamato, adapted into English as Star Blazers.

And when was the last time you heard me sing this song, Scarlett?

We're off to outer space.

We're leaving Mother Earth to save the human race, our Star Blazers.

Now, was that really cool, or was that the coolest?

Sorry, I fell asleep from boringness.

Anyways, really?

Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll sing more of it later for

the old ones and for the old for the old ones in the group.

No, they're begging for it, trust me.

Let's take a quick break.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the judge.

Yeah, see you later after these messages.

Let me sing us off then.

Searching for a distant star, heading off to Iskandar, leaving all we love behind.

Who knows what dangers we'll find?

No.

you know we've been doing my brother my brother me for 15 years and

maybe you stopped listening for a while maybe you never listen and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no

no you would be wrong we're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket.

Joining us is my daughter, Scarlett.

Here's a case from Judah, age 14.

I'm also here, by the way, dad.

Well, joining us, you're part of the us.

Okay, but I'm feeling very, I'm feeling very sibling rivalry right now because

I'm monitoring the ratings in real time, and Scarlett's off the charts.

Huge success.

People are excited to see me.

I'm the main event here.

Pretty soon I'm just going to be so famous that everyone's going to forget about my dad.

Cats in the cradle in the silver spoon.

Okay, here's a case from Judah in Belfair, Washington.

I like to tuck my pullover sweaters into my pants.

Okay.

I have extremely valid and practical reasons for doing this.

Sure.

I think tucking in my clothes looks more professional and dignified.

Also, I can reach my fanny pack easily, I can attach items to my belt, and if I hang upside down, my sweater won't cover my face.

All rise for our fashion king Judah.

My dad hates when I wear my sweater tucked in.

Last week, he laughed at me, said I looked dorkish, and forced me to wear my sweater normally.

I request the right to wear my sweater in the most practical way possible, which is tucked into my pants.

I also want you to rule that my dad cannot force me to do otherwise without a valid reason.

There is one expert on menswear in this room, and I presume that that is Scarlett Forrene.

All right.

First off, up to you.

I don't like really care, but

listen up.

Tucking in your shirt into your pants looks horrible.

Don't do that.

But whatever.

If you want to be practical, you can if you want to look good then you can tucking in your shirt does not look good tucking in your shirt i guess is kind of practical up to you i mean my feeling is i've never tucked in a sweater good but i've always looked with awe upon the guys in my life who have tucked in their sweaters.

I have seen it before.

And I do it with awe because I've never not used a sweater except for one purpose, which is to hide my belly.

But if I were of such a frame that I could tuck my sweater in and it would just be, it would just look so sharp, I feel like.

Is there a tradition of wear of regional tradition of tucking in sweaters?

Is that a European thing, Jesse?

Because I have seen it.

Yeah, I think it's

I think it's sort of a mannered

preppy thing, maybe.

It's a preppy thing.

But it's not a common thing.

You know, it's sort of like

there are people who tuck their necktie into their shirt, for example.

Yeah.

Oh,

into their, into their button-down shirt, not into their pants.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Well, also into their pants as well,

sometimes.

I don't know about that.

Particularly, the back blade is sometimes tucked into pants.

But

no,

I think this is a pretty uncommon thing.

One of the biggest reasons it's an uncommon thing is because it certainly changes your waist size.

Good point.

So if your pants are sized sized to your waist and you're tucking a sweater in, especially anything other than a very, very fine sweater,

your pants will struggle to fit properly.

And by fine, you don't mean nice.

You mean like very thin.

Yeah, exactly.

Like a right.

Yeah, like a lightweight sweater.

Exactly.

I mean, here's the thing.

I think Scarlett's

basic point of view is a very reasonable one, which is if you want to wear clothes to look good, wear clothes to look good.

If you want to wear clothes to be practical, wear clothes to be practical.

It's your choice, your clothes, et cetera, et cetera.

I think that's true.

And I also,

you know, I don't know how productive it is for a dad to tell their 14-year-old they look dorkish.

I would agree with you.

Yeah, that's where I have to step in.

I mean, if it's one thing to say, hey, I'm not sure that that sweater looks as is being worn the way it was meant to be worn, or maybe you might want to try it a different way, but ultimately it's your choice.

That's fine-ish, but also why even say that?

I mean, speaking here to Judah's dad,

Judah, age 14 in Belfair, Washington, pronouns he, him.

He's incredible.

I mean, he's he's look, not only is he tucking in his sweaters and it makes him feel more practical, but he's also reaching for his fanny pack and hanging upside down.

Your son's incredible.

Just let him be Judah, for heaven's sake.

You don't have to tell him one thing or the other.

And certainly don't start stigmatizing the way he is wearing his sweaters and calling him a dork and saying it's not normal.

I think that's really hurtful, and that's not what we want to do.

I get it.

Sometimes, sometimes we don't understand the way our kids dress, but that's because they're expressing themselves, they're not

aspects of us, they are human beings and treat them as such.

Inspirational, thank you very much.

I got approval from an 11-year-old, and I feel great.

And I also realize that that approval is probably sarcastic, but that's fine.

I'll take it.

I want to add one thing to that, though, which is that Judah says,

I also want you to rule that my dad cannot force me to do otherwise without a valid reason.

Okay.

And, you know, this is something that has come up on the show before,

but

clothing

has practical purpose to some extent, right?

There are days when it is cold outside.

We are walking on concrete sidewalks and need something to cushion our feet,

and so on and so forth.

I use ham sandwiches tied to my sandals.

The primary purpose of clothing, though, is social.

It is a

communicative act.

It reinforces social bonds, and there is practical purpose in those things.

You are saying something about who you are and your relationship to others in the world when you choose your clothing.

You can't just say that that doesn't exist.

Because that is, as I said,

the greater purpose of clothing.

It is adornment that reinforces the social structures that allow human beings to not die of starvation.

You know what I mean?

Like,

I think I'm following.

Being social and having social structures that are reinforced in a thousand different ways is an essential part of being a human being and our success as a species.

And

so there is

a reason to look good, and there's a reason that looking good

is relative to cultural values.

Both of those things are true.

So there is a valid reason here.

If it's, you know,

Judah is 14, he can make his own decisions about how he looks, and there's no reason for his dad to pick on him.

I presume because Judah wrote in that they have a warm enough relationship that they can josh around with each other.

But,

but yeah, I think it's really important for Judah to understand as he enters the part of his life where he becomes more aware of this kind of stuff, that when you pick your clothes, you communicating with the outside world, and there is a reason for that.

And so, you know, he can, he can make his own decisions under that umbrella, certainly, but

it's not that

clothes are a purely quote unquote practical matter, because if clothes were a purely practical matter, you know, no one would wear printed t-shirts.

You know what I mean?

I'll tell you, I'll say this.

I think that, I think that, you know, everything you say is true, but there's also, as you well know, better than I do, Jesse Thorne, there's a long history of fashion challenging social structures as well.

And I think wearing your sweater tucked in with a fanny pack is going to blow some minds, Judas.

So I'm 100% in your camp, and I don't care that you're the one telling the story.

I find in your favor completely.

The decision has been made.

Here is something from Bernadette.

My name is Bernadette, and I am in eighth grade.

Are you familiar with the game Punch Buggy?

Basically, here's how it works.

When you see a Volkswagen bug, you say Punch Buggy, no punchbacks, and lightly punch someone next to you.

Yeah.

Well, you have to call no punchback.

I mean,

you say punch buddy and punch someone, but if you don't call no punchbacks, you can get punchbacked.

Hang on, hang on.

You lightly punch them.

I really like Bernadette's covering Bernadette's butt there with that one.

Lightly punch.

Lightly.

Through a light punch.

Yeah.

When my parents drive me to school, we often pass the same parked Volkswagen bug.

I almost always punch buggy my parents.

My parents claim I'm not allowed to repeatedly punch them for the same car.

I say, as long as there's a space in between sightings, it's fair game.

Who's right?

So I've never played this game.

I think that if it's the same car parked down, that is just so unfair.

Unsportsmanlike even.

To just keep on doing the same thing, even if there's spaces.

It ruins the game.

And whenever

you go

to school, then your parents might not have the chance because they're focusing on other things and you unfairly

punch buggy them.

Ah, harsh but fair.

And indeed, your parents might be, Bernadette, your parents might be focusing on other things like trying to keep you alive while driving a car.

We have done some punch buggy cases in the court before, and I fear and

perhaps even loathe that they will become less and less prominent as indeed they don't make the Volkswagen bug anymore and haven't for a number of years.

And I don't see them very often.

And the whole point of the game is to celebrate with light punching the fun serendipity of seeing one of these whimsical cars out in the wild.

And I agree with legal scholar Scarlett, which is hard to say, but I agree with her that a Volkswagen bug that is parked in the same spot every day is not a bug in the wild.

It is a bug in captivity.

It's a no-fair punch.

And also, never even lightly punch a person who is driving because those distractions can cause problems.

What do you think?

Was I fair or unfair, Scarlett?

Wasn't paying attention.

It's based up.

Fair enough.

Very good.

I appreciate that.

I'll just say I was right.

Let's take a quick break when we come back.

More juvenile chord.

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Let's get back to the case.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Here is something from Benjamin in Southampton, UK.

My eight-year-old daughter, Ada, wishes to bring a case against me.

A few years ago, I talked about starting a podcast with her.

It would be called A Dad and Ada.

Oh, that's fun.

Almost a palindrome.

Almost.

Close.

No, it it is a palindrome.

A dad.

A dad.

Adad?

No.

Nad.

Yeah.

Not quite.

If you do it backwards, it's a dad, nad, Ada.

Yeah.

We haven't done it yet, and she wishes to ask the judge to order me to make the podcast.

I thought we'd be able to bond, learn more about each other, and get her interested in the technical side of making something.

However, I have ADHD.

I regularly struggle to finish creative projects.

I fear that starting this will end with not just me letting myself down, but her as well.

Well, let's set this.

Let me ask this question, Scarlett.

Would you ever do a podcast with your dad?

I mean, not just a guest on

a semi-popular court-related podcast, but like start a podcast.

A dad and Scarlett.

Maybe.

That would be kind of cool.

You would need to give me some of the money for me to buy video games.

Would it be a video game podcast or you just want to buy more video games?

I kind of want to buy more video games.

I need some of the funds.

Grace has a podcast, but I think it's telling that she decided to start the podcast with her babysitter, Emmy, and not with me

or even with my wife, Teresa, who is a former professional podcaster.

I think listening to Grace talk to her babysitter sounds like an amazing podcast, as would be Trash Talk between Scarlett and Jesse over NBA 2K.

Great podcast.

Fire.

And I think a dad and Ada sounds like a great podcast.

And Benjamin in Southampton, UK,

I do not, to my knowledge, have ADHD.

So

I don't know what you're struggling with necessarily.

But that said, I mean, I don't know that having ADHD means you don't try something

or you quit before you even start.

It might be a struggle for you to keep it up.

But I think that if Ada wants to do it and you also see the value in doing it, it's worth a try, isn't it?

I mean, let me give you some advice.

When we started the Judge John Hodgman podcast back in 1803,

we thought, oh, well, you just make a podcast every week because we just wanted to be car talk, right, Jesse?

Yeah.

All we wanted wanted was to be car talk.

Dewey Cheat them and how.

Exactly.

Our fair city.

Yeah, we were just reading email forwards.

And then these podcasters came along and they're like, okay, season one.

I'm like, seasons?

What?

You could do like 10 podcasts and then take a break and then do 10 more?

manage your expectations and workflow that way and the audience likes it too.

There's place in the world for both kinds of podcasts.

Podcasts that that are every week, because there are certain podcasts where

you know you need to be there for the listeners, just like I, as a listener, count on certain podcasts to be there every week to provide me with distraction and routine.

But then if you start your podcast and you're like, hey, we're going to make five of these and that's it, or we're going to do season one of five and then we're going to take a break and see how it goes.

then you're not telling any lies.

It's a small project that I think you can do with Ada.

And it's better for all the reasons that you said, Benjamin from Southampton, to do it a little bit than to not do it at all.

It's like exercise.

A little bit is better than nothing.

Go and go a little, a little excellent parenting and enjoyment and collaboration is better than going, like, I'm afraid to do it because I might let myself and Ada down.

You'll only let yourself and Ada down if you don't try.

That's what Yoda would say.

Judge Hodgman,

as far as you know, you don't have ADHD.

As far as I know,

Scarlett and I do.

High five.

Okay, here we go.

I, years ago, my father was diagnosed with ADHD in his 50s.

Yeah.

And maybe a decade after that, I was talking to my former therapist, Dr.

Richard Carr.

Shout out, Dr.

Carr.

Just sailing around on a ship these days.

Or he just didn't want to be my therapist anymore.

And that was like.

I am wearing an old-timey sailor's uniform.

Thanks for asking.

That's because I'm shipping off to sea forever and I can never see you again.

So you should leave now.

And it's all a ruse.

I'm moving to a farm where I'll have more room to run around.

No.

I said, Dr.

Carr.

I once joked to Dr.

Carr.

I was like, Well, you know, my dad was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, which is not my problem.

And Dr.

Carr was one of those people, one of those therapists who only asks questions like an old-fashioned therapist.

And

he said, Jesse, tell me, how are you at non-preferred tasks?

And I was like, uh-oh, uh-oh, daddy has ADHD.

But anyway,

as a person with ADHD,

I would say that in many ways, a podcast is

a wonderful project for a person with ADHD.

And it's also a wonderful project for

the type of person that, John, I think you and I both are, which is a

gifted only child.

Well, I have my robot brother.

That's true.

Who is perhaps somewhat paralyzed by the idea of not doing a good job or not doing things perfectly?

All of the drama of the gifted child things that I know inhabit my brain and I think probably inhabit yours to some extent, John.

Yeah, me too.

And the reason is that when you have to put something out,

you cannot make it more perfect.

You just have to put it out.

So I would actually encourage Benjamin and Ada to make a regular podcast, make a weekly podcast.

If you're concerned that it's going to be too much work, I would say limit the scope of the podcast, but put it out regularly.

Because

if you don't have that hard deadline, if you don't have that audience expectation, even if that audience is just aunts and uncles,

you will have the opportunity to put it off forever, try and make it more perfect, try and get it more right.

When in fact, what you are going to learn from and what Ada is going to learn from is getting it wrong.

So

just

think about how you can conscribe the edges of that project so that it's really small, but requires that it be done very regularly.

And I think that that is how Ada will grow her skills, and that's how you will be able to fight your ADHD.

And hopefully, it will be a preferred task, and the ADHD won't be a problem anyway.

I don't know, Richard from Southampton, this is really resonating for me what my friend and dad, Bailiff Jesse Thorne, is saying, but I don't know

if

you wrestle as part of your ADHD and internal profile, you wrestle with perfectionism that you'd rather not do anything at all if it's not going to be perfect.

But it is something that I, as an only child, have always wrestled with and had had to learn that putting myself through the discomfort of making something that is imperfect and putting it into the world for review, feedback,

or even from time to time, applause has really helped me tolerate that discomfort and realize that nothing is really ever perfect.

Certainly not that sentence.

And it's fine.

So maybe you'll find it helpful to you.

And I'm sure Ada will be thrilled.

So I think everyone should be making podcasts.

I thought that that was a law from a couple of years ago anyway.

So get on it.

A lot of people find that podcast editing audio in particular is a subject of hyper focus.

A lot of people, they eat ADHD.

There are definitely editors here at Maximum Fund who have ADHD, but tend to hyper-focus when editing.

And

that can cause

a problem.

I mean, it's a wonderful gift, but it also can cause a problem, which is very similar to the problem of the only child needing everything to be perfect, which is you can spend an infinite amount of time on something.

and never want to actually call it done, which is another reason to have a regular release schedule because that means that when you get to the time when it has to be released, it just has to be released.

And so whether it is, whether you are trying to overcome it not being your interest or whether you are trying to overcome the hyper focus that comes from it being your super interest,

either way, having that regular release schedule will give you the kick in the tail that you need.

And maybe if editing is an issue, you could find someone else in your friend group to edit it for you or give it a light pass.

so you don't have to worry about that.

Whatever the case is, we'll see you at the London Podcast Festival.

Here's a case from Kelly.

My eight-year-old daughter and I have a scruffy dog.

Oh my gosh.

You seeing this dog, Jesse Thorne?

Holy mackerel.

Look at this.

Scar, look at this dog.

Kelly, please, please send me this dog.

We need your dog.

You won't need to worry about this problem anymore if you just give me this dog.

Okay.

That's an incredible solution.

Yeah.

Solomonic wisdom.

Give me the baby.

I love Kelly's dog.

Kelly's dog is named Pepper.

I love Pepper.

Pepper lives at my house now.

You know what?

While you two are looking at this dog, I'm going to read this letter.

My eight-year-old daughter and I have a scruffy dog named Pepper.

I like to pretend that Pepper is just a tiny puppy, but my daughter always insists that I should be serious.

She says Pepper is a large dog, and it's ridiculous to pretend that she is small.

I want the judge, that's me, to order that my daughter tolerate my tiny dog pretending.

It's hard for me to say how big this dog is.

I mean, I guess

there's some lawn and dandelions for scale,

but this is a full-grown dog.

This is not actually a puppy.

And clearly, Kelly knows this, right, Jesse?

Yeah, and I wouldn't say that this doesn't look like a large dog in the traditional sense.

You know, this isn't a 60 pound dog but it is not in it i'm again we're just using this lawn for scale so it's a little hard to guess but yeah i'd guess this is you know a 35 pound dog or a 30 pound dog um you know maybe a 25 pound dog which is like a medium dog yeah

and fair to say that whatever the size pepper is

uh pepper is bigger to the eight-year-old daughter than pepper is to kelly that's a good point I have two dogs.

We have two dogs, right?

Yeah, two dogs.

I don't know why I said right.

Of course we have two dogs.

I know what dog.

I've known your dad for a long time.

I never know when the new dog's going to pop up.

Yeah, but I have two dogs.

One of them is named Junior.

He's pretty young and he's a big boy.

I call him big and he's really chubby chub chub.

And I call my dogs really stupid, dumb idiots because that's what they are.

Yeah, they're pretty dumb.

But it's more of a compliment and it's more of just me being cute.

I don't actually not like them.

I love them very much.

And them being cute.

Yeah, they're adorable.

And I call my, and I call Junior my boy because he's my little boy.

And I think sometimes I'll call him the little guy, my little puppy guy.

And so in that situation, yes, like if you're being technical,

no, that don't is not

a tiny little puppy.

But if you're just being like cute,

then yeah.

i mean scarlett i would never take away junior's inherent dignity by puppy status by treating him like anything other than a dignified unsophisticated adult adult boy right a dummy little boy i would never

call him a little baby or pick him up off the ground and cradle him like a human baby and rock him back and forth

even though he weighs probably almost 50 pounds.

He does that.

It's really weird.

I have my baby robot to keep.

And I'll say this, even though 2XL

is only a few years younger than me, looking at his copyright 1978,

he's still my little baby boy.

I mean, it's totally normal to infantilize your pet, especially dogs, because they're basically just fuzzy infants infants crawling around.

And,

you know, I get that all eight-year-olds want to be really technical.

And they're like, no, that's not a dog.

That's not a puppy anymore.

That's a full-grown dog.

But Kelly's daughter, Kelly's eight-year-old daughter, you have to understand that you're getting older and Kelly, your mom doesn't have a baby anymore.

She's a wonderful eight-year-old.

She's got to have that baby dog.

Gotta.

But here's what I would say to Kelly, too.

If this is a fun game you and your eight-year-old are playing where you're like, that dog's a little baby.

And your eight-year-old's going, mom, be serious, and you're laughing.

That's cute.

But

also be attuned to the sensitivity of your eight-year-old, who is a whole human being in their own right.

If they maybe they feel like I'm getting replaced as a baby by this dog, you know, be careful.

I just poked, I just poked 2XL in the eye.

I'm sorry about that, honey.

You know, only you can understand the tune, the tone of the complaint that your daughter is offering you.

But if she is upset by this, well, listen to her.

If it's just a fun game, you can tell her Judge John Hodgman and Scarlett Thorne and Dad Bailiff Jesse Thorne all agree that this

dog is a beautiful little baby.

Pepper is such a beautiful little baby.

Where do you think Pepper lives

in the lawn?

Can I pet him?

Gotta head on over.

Jennifer, where do they live?

Can you look at the email and see if I could pet the the dog?

Yeah.

He could lick my nose.

I don't need your baby dog.

I've got my friend robot, and I've got my gavel, and that's all I need.

I've got my gavel and my robot, and my Edward Gorey books, and that's all I need.

I don't need a sibling.

I don't need a dog.

I don't need to know about football.

I've got my robot and my gavel and my glass of water and my Edward Gorey books.

And that's all I need.

I'm perfectly, I'm covered.

Thank you.

I don't need it.

All I need is my robot and my gavel and my Edward Gorey book and also

my Lego Hulk and Admiral Akbar in a hot tub of Aaron's Thinking Buddy.

And that's all I need, Jesse.

And my friendship with Jesse Thorne and Scarlett and our and our podcast and Jennifer Marmer and Daniel Spear and Dan Telfer and my glass of water and my Edward Gorey book and my gavel and my robot to XL.

And that's all I need.

We better get to the credits because I don't have anything else.

Our docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman, our social media manager, Dan Telfer, our video editor, Daniel Speer.

The podcast is edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Photos from the show, including pictures of this beautiful dog.

What if, oh my gosh, what if Pepper is like an Irish wolfhound and you just can't tell the scale?

Focus and Pepper.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, anyway.

Your 11-year-old is telling you to focus just instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube.

YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Follow us on YouTube.

Follow and subscribe on YouTube to see our episodes and video-only content.

As this episode comes out, we are coming up on St.

Patrick's Day.

It's a day that some people like to wear green, and I would love to hear your disputes about green things.

Is your family into speaking of football, the Chicago Bears, but your cousin is dating a Green Bay Packers fan?

Let us know which green Muppet is the best Muppet?

How could it not be Kermit?

Speaking of Kermit,

Do you feel that being green is actually pretty easy?

Let us know.

Send us all of your green disputes.

And you can also, I'm just thinking about it.

There's a Mr.

Green in the board game, Clue.

Do you have a dispute over Clue?

You know, figure it out.

Green is the theme and send us your green disputes at maximumfun.org slash JJ Ho.

MaximumFun.org slash JJ H O.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Bye-bye.

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