Gulpable Negligence

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, gulpable negligence.

Alana brings the case against her boyfriend Carson.

Carson has a stash of reusable water bottles next to his bed.

Each of them has water inside, but Carson isn't drinking that water.

Alana wants the old water to go, but Carson says it's still drinkable.

He'll drink it eventually.

Who's Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Visionary, genius, inventor, peacemaker, searcher, Texan, oilman, art collector, engineer, cryptozoologist, and podcaster, Judge John Hodgman was given many labels during his short, event-filled life.

But today, hardly anyone remembers this amazing individual.

And that's a shame.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Alana Carson, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he will only drink standing water if it is made safe by the inclusion of gin?

Yes.

Yes.

It's the only way we can be sure.

Nuke it from orbit.

That's what I call it.

That's what I call that particular drink.

Thank you.

Alana Carson, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I

paraphrase, mostly quoted except for a couple of words.

I'll give you a hint.

It's from a book.

If either of you can name it, you win the case automatically.

So, Alana, why don't you guess first?

Well, sadly, my prepared guess was Come Clean by Hillary Duff.

So

I was thinking along the lines of hygiene and cleanliness.

Sure.

I don't know what book this could be.

Okay.

Well, it's a good guess.

I like the hygiene guess.

I was not going for the hygiene angle.

I'm going to give you a hint so you can make another guess if you wish.

It's a different Hillary Duff song.

It's not a song, and it's not about the hygiene angle.

It's about the the insulated tumbler angle.

Now, Judge John Hodgman is not sponsored by this product, but there is a product that I like very much.

I'll just say it, and maybe they should sponsor the product.

And it's a brand of insulated tumblers and coolers that take their name after a famous undiscovered animal, shall we say, an object of cryptozoological study.

Well, I happen to have a receptacle from this very place that you're describing.

So I'm going to guess that it was

a book about the Yeti of some kind of book about Yetis.

Well, that's a terrific second guess, and I'm going to write that down.

You're much more in the Yeti ballpark.

Jesse Thorne, did you know that if you build a ballpark, Yeti will come?

Oh, no, I had no idea.

Is that the plot of Field of Dreams 2?

Yeah, that's exactly right.

I mean, if they wanted to make money, sure.

Yeah.

All right, Carson, it comes down to you.

What's your guess?

What is the guy's name in that Christmas animated Impopinable scene?

Yeah, but there's the

UConn

Cornelius.

Cornelius.

It's definitely a book.

I don't know that Yukon Cornelius was a Yeti hunter.

Here's a question that might spark an idea.

What is the

one

International Museum of Cryptozoology that we mention on this podcast the most?

Is it the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York?

That's absolutely right, Jesse Thorne.

It's the Yeti Pavilion at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.

And also,

by the way, all guesses are wrong, the International Museum of Cryptozoology in Portland, Maine,

which we've mentioned from time to time because it is founded and curated by a friend of the show Lauren Coleman, who is also a noted

cryptozoological expert and author.

He is the first describer and namer of the Dover Demon of Dover, New Delaware.

I'll say Delaware, maybe New Jersey.

Sorry, Lauren.

But also the author of not one, but two books of maybe the most famous or at least the most amazingly named Yeti hunter in 20th century history, Tom Slick.

Tom Slick was the son of a oil wildcatter

in Texas who took all his money.

And among other things, funded multiple expeditions to the Himalaya to search for the Yeti

between 1956 and 1959.

Also

did a lot of Sasquatch expeditions before his mysterious death in a plane accident in 1962.

Tom Slick was

maybe infamous for being part of an unallowed chain of custody.

which is to say they stole a Yeti hand from a monastery in the

and smuggled it out of the country so it could be studied and shown to be a Yeti hand.

One of the other people who helped in the smuggling operation, confirmed upon his deathbed, was the actor Jimmy Stewart.

It was a wonderful life for him.

I think that they determined that the so-called Yeti hand was actually a human hand.

But,

you know, if you're a cryptozoologist and you'd like to say I'm wrong, please let me know.

Lauren Coleman, send me a letter.

Anyway, Tom Slick.

That quote was from the introduction to Lauren Coleman's Tom Slick True Life Encounters in Cryptozoology from the year 2002.

The follow-up to his 1989 definitive biography, Tom Slick and the Search for the Yeti, check them out and go and visit the International Museum of Cryptozoology in Portland, Maine while you're at it.

Online or in person.

John, I'm getting a message here from our postmaster.

Yeah.

She says that there's no room in the mailbox for a letter from Lauren Coleman because it's full of letters that say Dover is in Massachusetts.

Oh, no.

Well, wait a minute.

Where's the Dover Demon since we're on it?

Since I'm on this particular Dover, Massachusetts.

I just looked it up.

You looked it up?

Wow.

I did.

Wait.

Sorry.

I didn't look it up.

I got a lot of letters that filled the mailbox.

Sorry.

That's right.

The Dover Demon is a creature reportedly sighted on April 21st to 22nd, 1977 in Dover, Mass,

a town about 15 15 miles southwest of downtown Boston in my home Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

So shame on me.

In the meantime, I forgot that you were there.

Alana Carson, let's hear your case.

This case involves insulated tumblers for water.

And indeed, that is

the subject of your case as well.

Alana, how long have you and this fellow been dating?

We have been dating for almost exactly one year at this point.

We're almost right at the exact day,

just a couple days away from it, where we began dating last year.

Happy anniversary.

I'm going, it's the paper anniversary, it's the first anniversary.

So I'm going to send you a copy of Tom Slick and the Search for the Yeti.

Print copy.

Thank you.

And do you, do you and he live together?

We technically do not.

We both have our own apartments.

However, we spend probably about 95%

of our time at my apartment.

And then occasionally we'll go to Carson's apartment.

Which is outside of New York City.

Yes, it's in a suburb.

It's in a small town outside of New York City.

Okay.

And this person that you're dating, who spends so much time with you, will you remind me of his name?

His name is Carson.

Carson, you say.

Carson?

Yes.

Carson, not Johnny Umami.

No, but I am insisting that people do call me that.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Alana, your boyfriend is named Johnny Umami, isn't it?

Well, I know he's certainly not named Candy Boy because that is no longer permissible.

It's not allowed.

Carson, do you want to explain to the listeners and I think a very perplexed bailiff what we're talking about?

Yes.

Well, after we saw Road Court on September 11th here at the City Winery in New York City,

Alana said.

Thank you for attending.

Oh, it was a wonderful show.

We enjoyed it very much.

We still have our red-styled wine that we're excited to drink.

Thank you for not forgetting that date as well.

I was going to, but I chickened out.

Yeah.

Anyway,

very shortly after seeing the show, Alana was moved to

submit this

case.

You submitted a case to me in the New York Times magazine.

I did shortly, sort of in response to this.

She had let me know that she was sending in a case for about the water bottles.

And sort of in retaliation, I submitted, of course, a case as well for the New York Times.

And I did not, to be fair, spend much time considering Alana's water bottle complaint until today

because your countersuit caught my attention.

Because what was it about Carson, aka Johnny Umami?

Yes, I

was

being called

candy boy and was insisted, it was insisted that I was

very much a fan of eating candy and sweet.

You know what I'm not a fan of?

The passive voice.

Yes, say it.

Alana called me Candy Boy.

You just got clippied.

I did.

Grammar check, baby.

I did.

I did.

Alana called me Candy Boy.

This may be in the passive voice.

Alana, did you or did you not nickname your beloved beloved Carson Candy Boy?

I referred to him on multiple occasions, usually after he was buying candy as Candy Boy.

I don't know that I made it an official nickname, but it clearly bothered him because I called him Candy Boy multiple times.

Can you use it in a sentence?

Never mind, I'll do it.

What are you doing over there?

Buying more candy, Candy Boy?

Was it that kind of vibe?

Yeah, I would say that that's almost a direct quote.

Jesse, so Jesse, Carson wrote in saying, I don't want to be called candy boy because I don't even like candy that much.

I would rather be called savory boy.

And I said, while I share Carson's distaste for candy and love of savory, and I think that you should not be called something.

If your loved one has created a nickname that you don't like, you have the right to veto it, but is the height of pretension to choose your own nickname.

So I chose a new nickname for him, what I wish everyone would call me, Johnny Umami.

But I can't choose it for myself.

So I gave it to Carson.

I was hoping that it was in some use, but Carson, are you called Johnny Umami at home or abroad or no?

Not as much as I would like to, but to be fair,

you know, I haven't, I can't really insist upon it, even though it's been given to me by you.

But,

you know, I wouldn't mind.

Alana, why won't you call him Johnny Umami like I ordered in the newspaper?

I guess I interpreted the order as more of a cease of the candy boy and not an ordering of using Johnny Umami, but I encourage you to

join,

so I will

reconsider it.

It is 185 words long.

All right, Alana, you're already in contempt of court.

Now you have a problem with Johnny Umami drinking water at your house.

Why don't you want him to be hydrated?

I do very much want him to be hydrated.

My issue, however, is that the water that is in these three water bottles has been there since before the summer.

Whoa.

I have not myself

opened the water bottles, but I did offer that

because they bother me, I would be happy to...

use the water for the plants.

And my issue is that Carson has said that he will

still drink the water and that he doesn't want to get rid of it.

So you sent in photos, which are available on all of our social media as well as on our show page at maximumfund.org.

Jesse Thorne, are you looking at these photos?

I draw your attention to exhibit A, quote unquote, the collection.

This is a picture of a

bed frame, the edge of a mattress and the edge of a bed frame.

That is, I would guesstimate four to five inches from a small wall.

The wall continues parallel to the bed frame for about

a foot, 18 inches, maybe.

And jammed into this little five-inch by 18-inch space, sitting on what appears to be the floor, are four water bottles, all in what I would call a commando style.

Why are they not wearing underpants?

No, because they look like they're ready for action.

Oh, okay.

They all appear to be tactical in nature.

Yeah.

In exhibit A, we have four, it looks like one, two, three, four

insulated water thermoses shoved between the bed and the bedside table, all in a row.

Oh, I see.

This is a dresser.

This is not a wall.

This is a dresser.

So rather than place them on this dresser, they've been shoved between the dresser and the bed.

Right.

And one of the things that was not mentioned in the affidavit is that these are four different styles of water thermos.

They're not all the same kind.

All of them look like they could have been purchased at the Army-Navy store.

Yeah.

Why?

And this is in your home, Johnny Umami, or Alana's home?

It's in Alana's home.

This is in Alana's home.

Yes.

The water has piled up in thermoses.

Yes, but as a point of clarification, the

topmost

water bottle is actually a little foam roller that lives near the water bottles.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I was wondering what that was because there is what I thought was a water bottle looked like a little stack of miniature tires, but that's a foam roller.

Is that friends with the water bottles?

It's friends.

They're very friendly.

At this point, I'd say they're pretty pretty uh closely acquainted it does look like you could pour some water into that foam roller though it has an open top yes

actually one of them

perfectly inside of it oh okay but you choose not to not to store that one perfectly inside it but instead line them up yes come wedged in between the bed and the dresser and

Alana mentioned that the last time you had a drink from one of these water bottles was from before summer.

Is that true?

Memory is a fickle thing, but it was either I would say in the summer, June, July.

Let's say July at the latest.

Will you agree that we are now recording this on Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2025?

I agree to that.

So six and a half months ago, at the most recent, was when you had a little sip of water.

Yes.

And you are leaving these thermoses behind because you love Alana, and it's sort of like you're a Valentine to her.

Yes, she can remember.

It's clear she thinks about it.

And in a way, she thinks about me.

One of these bottles you have brought to the studio.

Is that correct?

It is true, yes.

Which of these bottles have you brought?

The largest and most pronounced of the bottles.

Let us see the largest and most pronounced of the bottles.

Those of you who are watching on our YouTube channel at JudgeJohnHodgman Pod on YouTube, Johnny and Mama, you got a big bottle.

It's a very large bottle, yes.

How many ounces does that have?

A 64-ouncer.

And does it have water in it right now?

It has water in it right now.

Does it have July 2024 water in it right now?

It's the best year for water.

Okay, set that aside for a moment.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Carson, Johnny Numami,

Bottle Boy, whatever your name is.

What's up with these water bottles?

Why do you shove them in there and leave them behind?

It's a great question for me.

They are about having water on hand, especially in the summer.

I come from Arizona.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize.

Yes.

You wanted water.

Okay, got it.

Never mind.

Right.

Okay, you come from Arizona.

I come from Arizona, and I think, you know, water is on my mind.

I like being hydrated.

I like drinking a lot of water.

I think definitely in the summer months when it's hot, I'm drinking a lot of water and having access to it, of course, next to your bed.

Well, you have water bottles next to my bed, too?

Yes, if you just take a look.

Oh.

I mean.

They're ready to be drunk at any time.

I mean.

But just not since July.

Just not since July.

It's more summer water, to be honest.

And why does this bother you, Alana?

Well, it bothers me most because I continue to not see them

being consumed.

And I see a lot of other water

and seltzer, all kinds of liquids being...

consumed and Carson staying hydrated, yet the water that is in these three receptacles is just sitting there and it honestly makes me feel a little gross.

I don't know what it would smell like to smell six-month-old water, but I don't imagine it smells great in there and it kind of grosses me out to think about

this water just kind of remaining stagnant next to my bed

for so long.

And I don't really see it end in sight.

It's not merely that Bottle Boy is untidy.

No.

And it's not merely that he's a hypocrite who's cheating on his three thermoses by drinking seltzer and other water throughout the day,

but also that it's gross for you to imagine the still unfeeted water in these bottles sitting by the side of your bed.

And it's his side, I presume, right?

Yeah, it's the side I sleep on.

And

you use them for another purpose too, right?

Something involving pillows?

Yes.

Yes.

I can already feel your

Alana's kind of refuting this claim.

But

when it's time to go to beds and you take the decorative pillow off of the bed, it slots perfectly into that nice little

space between the bed and the dresser and where it rests upon the water bottles and a part of the bed frame as well.

So in a sense, it becomes kind of an entire nightstand since the dresser itself is, you know, a couple feet above

the bed, the mattress.

So it's a little more accessible area.

Jesse, do you mind scrolling down to exhibit C?

Okay, I'm going to take a look at exhibit C in the evidence here.

See Charlotte.

Oh, look at these nice dogs.

They're defending that pillow.

This just seems like a cheap excuse to get your dogs in the picture.

Yes, and there is some

important information that we get here, I'd say.

Tell me who these dogs are and tell me what the important information is.

Okay, on the left, the cutie little black dog, that is Eli.

He's a sweetie.

That's Alana's dog.

Okay.

And on the right is my dog, Gilly.

She's a very sweet girl.

Do they have any disputes that I need to solve?

Yes, they do, actually.

What?

Throw these.

Here's what's going to happen.

Throw the the water bottles away.

Okay.

All right.

We'll just rule on that.

Now let's get to the dog case because that's what anyone's interested in.

Yeah.

They, they, they could use your mediation on something, but um, we can save that.

No, I'm asking you to hear about it right now.

Right now.

Okay.

So when they go to eat, this is new.

This is real.

Okay.

Eli,

we put the, here's your scoop of food.

Okay.

And then I put the bowls down together and they eat and it's been fine.

And the last like week, week and a half, Eli has been eating and stopping and kind of looking to Gilly, who if Gilly just looks over with any interest whatsoever, he whimpers and he walks away from his food bowl.

What's going on, do you think?

Well, Anna, do you have any insight?

I have a little bit of insight.

I think he's, he's a bit of a resource garter and he also,

which actually makes me think about the water bottles, ironically.

No, but he does have some like interesting quirks and insecurities around food or treats.

And if he senses that another dog is more

Eli is afraid that Gilly's going to munch his food.

Yes.

She would, too.

To be fair, and she probably has snuck a bite or two, but.

Are you afraid that Alana is going to drink your water bottle, boy?

Well, yeah, I have to hide it away.

Especially now finding out that you've been not just putting new water into my

cup.

Wait, what are you accusing her of, of refilling your water bottles against your will?

No, well,

the water bottle in the second and exhibit B on top, the one I have been drinking from.

Yeah.

Thank you for filling that water up.

But I didn't know you were replacing any leftover water that was in there.

I mean, my feeling is you want a clean slate

when you get get some water.

Wait a minute.

Do I understand this correctly, Carson?

You're saying

thank you begrudgingly

to your partner who is letting you stay over in her home.

She has given you fresh ice water and you guessed you're grateful, but secretly you're a little mad that she dumped out the old water first.

I think it, I'm not mad, but I would drink it.

Why would we ever believe that you would drink everything because you've left all of your floor water unsupped for half a year?

The floor water, I have not yet drank that water.

Yeah.

Why not?

Why don't you just drink it finally?

Oh, golly.

One of the most expertly deployed oh, gollies in the history of this podcast.

I may just have to rule in bottle boys favor oh golly

I

I

because it's I I guess because it's on the floor I mean

part of okay if I'm thinking about this right okay yeah and I'm I'm glad you're starting to think about that well it's been six and a half months I think it's it's minus six and a half months yeah and uh 35 minutes into the podcast

but um

you know, it is on the floor.

The bottle is heavy, perhaps, and it's not as readily accessible as a straw in a cup.

Maybe.

I'm trying to figure out why.

I mean, partially, there really is a piece of me that's like, this would be wasteful of this water.

There's like something deep inside that is very difficult about like wasting

the water.

There also might be something deep inside that is mold growing inside of the pig yellow there.

But if I don't open it, you won't know if it is.

It's a bit of a Schrödinger's water situation.

It could be fine.

There's one, if there's one thing that I find particularly calming as I'm trying to fall asleep, is knowing that at the side of my bed on the floor is a box that either has a dead cat or a live cat in it.

So, Alana, you've heard this argument that Carson aka Bottle Boy aka Johnny Umami, that he finds the idea of quote-unquote wasting water to be so

is there an adjectival form of anathema?

Anathemic?

Anathemic?

Anathemic?

So disturbing that he must not do it.

What is your response to that?

Well, my response is that I don't think we have to throw away the water i think we could put it to use without drinking it i think giving it to the plants would be a possible way to feel good about using the water but you have house plants we have many house plants between our two apartments and that's a wonderful solution what do you think about that bottle boy

um i think that could be a a fair solution.

Is this the first time it's ever come up?

It was not presented as an option initially.

I think the focus was more about what about this water, huh?

In these bottles.

But

I think it's more recent.

Alana, is that an accurate impersonation of you?

What about this water?

I'll let it slide.

I mean, I think I will say probably the

main thing that I say about the water bottles to Carson is

about him not drinking them, which at this point, I think I would be actually more worried for his health if I continued to push him to drink them.

But

I think it's fair to say that I didn't really present it as, oh, let's give it to the plants when I initially.

brought up the issue.

Carson, I noticed you took a drink of water just a few minutes ago on video.

I also also noticed you did not drink from Big Yellow.

Well, you drank some fresh water, right?

Yeah.

From the studio.

Yes.

I did.

Why didn't you drink from your water bottle?

It would feel a little too

momentous.

Sorry.

I feel like I would have to order you to do it.

Well,

it's such a long-standing dispute that I think just to take a drink from it here on.

camera while Alana was speaking.

Okay, hang on a second.

Alana, is your dispute here,

is your ideal ruling is that you want me to force Carson to drink this water or just get rid of it somehow?

I'd like you to force him to get rid of it.

You don't want him to drink it.

At this point, I don't think it's a good idea.

You're concerned that it's gone bad, quote unquote.

I am.

I would be interested in him being forced to smell it or look at it.

I'll allow it.

Let's smell and look at it right now.

Okay.

Bring big yellow front and center.

This is your water bottle.

All these water bottles are yours, right?

Uh, yes, by secondhand.

But you brought them into the house.

Yes, correct.

And the house is not yours, correct?

It is not mine, no.

You live somewhere else.

Yes.

You live in northern Manhattan, yes, correct.

That's right.

And how many water bottles do you have on the floor there?

16.

Just kidding.

I have no water bottles on the floor there.

It is a much more...

Did you say no?

Did you say no water bottles?

Jennifer?

Yeah, can we roll that back for a second?

Could you roll this back?

What are you hearing here on this tape?

16.

Just kidding.

I have no water bottles on the floor there.

No water bottles.

Well, all my water bottles are at Alana's house.

Yeah, you brought them all.

You brought them all up to the northern counties

to hoard them where they will be safe, right?

That's right.

Because of climate change.

Right.

I'm going to move.

Northern Manhattan's going to sink into the sea.

You've got to save.

That's true.

Bottle boy's got to save his vessels.

I'm near the highest part of the island, however, so it might be okay, but it's safer, definitely.

I don't want people to be able to triangulate where you live,

especially since there are no water bottles to steal there.

Right.

There's nothing of value, really.

What else have you piled at your girlfriend's house?

Good question.

Alana, what else have I piled at your house?

Would you like me to weigh in on that?

I can't.

Generally, so I will say when I first saw Carson's apartment, I was really

inspired because he's done an amazing job of making a small space really functional.

It looks great.

He has great organization systems.

So, generally speaking, he's a very neat, organized person who I actually have asked for help because I don't have there are some systems that I don't think work well in my apartment.

I think like sometimes things from school that kind of come home in a in one swoop that maybe aren't don't have anything to do with each other, like notebooks and

I think some other drinking receptacles sometimes too home from school.

Yeah, he

piles occasionally.

What are we talking about?

Punch bowls?

No, I think we're talking about insulated tumblers like coffee.

Is that what you're referring to?

Like the little cups with the lid and the straw, those kind of things.

I have no straws, but yes.

Disposable or reusables?

Reusable.

They are reused quite frequently.

In that photo with the two dogs, Eli and Gilly,

you have placed the water bottles under the pillow.

The pillow is on top of the water bottles, and on top of the pillow is a phone.

Yeah.

And it is true that you cannot see the water bottles

as they're, and you certainly can't move them because they're currently being guarded by your two dogs.

Yes.

But Alana, you can't see them in this photo, but do you know that they're there on some cellular level?

I do.

I

feel them.

I

almost am imagining the smell

and even just imagining that smell of opening up a six-plus month

bottle that has just sitting water in it.

It really does kind of get it.

But why should we imagine the smell when it's sitting right in front of us in an orange bottle?

I think we should celebrate the smell.

I think we should have a fetid fet.

Yeah, crack it open.

All right, bottle boy.

Let's see what's going on.

Here we go.

Crack open your nasty bottle, you nasty bottle boy.

You ready?

I guess.

Don't say anything.

Carson is smelling it first.

Now slide it over.

You have to take two sniffs.

Don't tell how many sniffs to take.

I'm also taking a look inside.

She's also taking a look.

I didn't look.

All right.

I would like to get Alana's reaction to the smell.

The smell to me smells like one of those really old water fountains at a school that doesn't work anymore.

Sort of.

Kind of metallic.

Yeah, that metallic kind of almost.

I don't mean to to put words in your mouth.

I apologize a lot.

That's okay.

Yeah, kind of a metallic, rusty pipe.

That's my favorite kind of water.

A slight sewage, a slight sewage.

I love that water.

Oh, no, I don't want that.

Bottle boy,

are you catching the slight sewage nose that Alana's describing?

I am not,

really, but I think mostly

water in Arizona, reclaimed water, and water that you drink and that you play in if it's, you know, out and about, does have a different smell that is more

reclaimed water, meaning poop water of Arizona.

Well, we use that to water

the grass that the grain water can be there, but right, et cetera, et cetera.

But I honestly don't think it smells that bad.

Would you drink it?

Yeah.

Before you do or don't, because I'm the only one who can order drinking.

Right.

Let me ask Alana:

what was the water ecosystem where you grew up?

Did you grow up in a swamp or a place with a lot of rotting, standing water that may have traumatized you the way water scarcity traumatized Carson and Tucson?

No, I can't say that I did.

Grew up in a swamp.

I grew up actually in the town where my apartment is.

So

outside of New York City.

Love that, you know, New York water right from the tap.

Really delicious.

And I can't say that, you know, water conservation was top of mind growing up, but

I do, you know, I remember some of the information at school and I remember just being asked to be mindful about how long showers are and things like that.

But no, I was not in any way saving water for six months from that day.

I'd say that's clear.

Carson, do you actively want to drink this bottle of water?

There is a part of me that now at this point

wonders about it.

I'm not sure I would do it without a court order, like just on my own.

I don't think I'd be curious enough to.

Well, that's to a good, that's a good point, because if I don't order you to drink it, and I were to find in your favor, it would just go back to the floor between the bed and the dresser.

And you would never drink from it at this point is what you're saying, because I wouldn't be there to order you to do it.

Potentially.

Why are you against giving this water to the plants?

I don't think I'm against giving the water to the plants.

I'm coming around more to that.

Why would you ever have been against it?

I don't think it was.

Mr.

Parts of Speech.

I'm not sure it was presented to me as a...

Once again, you got clippy.

I did.

I don't think it was presented to me as a real option.

I'm having a hard time remembering like rejecting that that are you having a hard time remembering that alana so i don't know if i if i suggested the plans i know that i personally offered to get rid of the water like i i wasn't asking carson to have to do it so i know that i said something along the lines of

well can i just go ahead and dump out the water and leave the lids off for a while so it can air out.

And that was rejected.

So I can't say for certain if I suggested the plant thing.

I can't remember if that was just something that I've thought about since or if I brought up the idea.

Do you sleep better, Carson, knowing that there's old water in three thermoses right next to your head?

If I'm being

realistic, I don't think I'm thinking about it at all.

Would you sleep better, Alana, if these water bottles were gone or cleaned regularly and filled with fresh water?

Yes, even if you just stopped at the

take the water out and leave them empty, I'm okay with that too.

I don't even need to monitor or control Carson's usage of these receptacles.

I'm okay if they just sit empty.

Charles, over there at CDM Studios, do you have a clear glass that we might pour some of this water into so that we could observe it.

Would you mind providing a bottle boy and Mrs.

Bottle Boy?

Thank you.

I'm really liking Bottle Boy.

I think Bottle Boy is a great one.

Ask for an injunction.

Pour the water into the glass tumbler.

Okay.

Or else it gets the hose again.

Wow, that's a big flask.

That sound is like a literal sound effect in my ear.

Yeah, no, that was a real, that was, that really happened.

Everyone who's watching the YouTube knows we're not going to sound effects records.

Should I put this away here?

Yeah, put that away.

Let the record show that

Carson has poured the water into a glass tumbler.

He has noted that the straw, the plastic straw within the tumbler, frozes him out.

And Alana, one question before we decide what to do about this water here.

This is your house.

This is your house.

Why do you put up with this?

Because I love Carson and

I think

I

love him spending time at my apartment.

I want him to feel comfortable there.

I also think it's not necessarily in my way.

Like, it's not as though...

I'm tripping over the water bottles.

It's not as though they're in a spot that I would be using for something else.

It really, for me, just comes down to the gross factor.

And they don't belong to me.

So I'm not having to drink them or worry about what it tastes or smells like, but it's more of an annoyance.

And so I think that's why I sought justice in this way.

And Carson, now that you're looking at the water that has come out of Big Yellow,

on a scale of one to 10, 10 being yum, yum, I can't wait.

One being get this away from me.

Where do you rank your desire to drink it at this point?

I think I'm at a five.

I recognize it's reminding me of

something else.

I will say, like, just looking at the

shade,

to me, it does look a little bit yellowy.

Just a little bit.

Let the record show, Alana procured out of nowhere another glass of water

brought that right into frame i just

i mean i thought we might as well do a comparison i think it just looks a little bit a little beige if you're watching on the youtube go ahead and focus in on those two glasses of water let us know in the comments if you think if you can detect a difference Right now, though, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my chambers.

And while I'm in there, Jesse Thorne, maybe we could invite Charles there there at the studio to switch those glasses of water back and forth a bunch of times so we don't know which is which anymore, like a three-card Monty game.

And I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Alana, how are you feeling about your chances in this case right now?

I'm feeling pretty good.

I think it's just a pretty, you know, accessible, approachable argument that old water is a little gross.

And the fact that it's my apartment, I think, helps.

So I'm feeling pretty good.

How many water bottles, Alana, do you think there are in your house between your water bottles, his water bottles, and any water bottles that might belong to your dogs?

I think that

it might be right around 20.

Like it might be between 15 and 20.

Are you counting?

There's some that you don't know about.

Yeah, tumblers count, Carson.

Did I ask you how you feel about your chances?

Not great.

Very dumb.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the case.

Yeah, I got to have a sip of water.

Can I tell you something, John?

We just completed our road court tour.

Yeah.

What a fun time.

It was a spectacular time.

Thank you so much to everybody who came out.

Hopefully those of you who are listening to this now will get a chance to hear many, most, perhaps even all of those episodes on the podcast feed over the next year or so.

We did get some complaints that we did not visit Chicago, Illinois.

Yeah.

Well, I have some good news for all you third coasters.

Chicago Comic-Con is coming up in April.

Chicomic-Con?

Chicomic-Con.

My friend Jordan Morris is going to be there speaking and signing copies of his wonderful new book, Youth Group, as well as his other comics.

And Jordan said, hey, Jesse, I'm going to be in Chicago.

Can we do a Jordan Jesse Go show?

So I said, book it.

April 11th at Sleeping Village in Chicago, Jordan Jesse Go Live.

I hope everybody will come out.

There are ticket links at maximumfund.org slash events.

It's going to be a great time.

There's going to be a party after.

It's a great club,

great place, great sound.

It's just going to be a really good time.

We'll have some very special Chicago guests.

They may even have been announced by the time this episode comes out.

But go to maximumfund.org slash events for all your tickets.

That's April 11th.

April 11th, Friday.

That's my friend Adam Sachs's birthday.

Happy birthday, Adam.

It's going to be a great time.

If you haven't seen a JJ Goh show, go and see the show.

That's my motto for you, because it's a lot of fun.

And Jordan Morris is a delight.

And hey, speaking of wonderful new books, I'd like to shout out our friend and occasional guest bail of Jean Gray.

I've mentioned it before, and I will keep mentioning it because she's got a brand new memoir coming out, first book ever by Jean Gray, in just a couple of weeks.

It's called In My Remaining Years.

Jean is one of, you already know if you've listened to the podcast, one of the funniest, smartest, wisest, most talented singer, songwriter, comedian, rapper, artist, fashionist,

painter, polymathic genius of all kind.

And I am spelling genius, J-E-A-N-I-U-S.

This memoir is so funny and so empowering and so interesting.

And it just, you know, it starts out with a whole slice of life of her growing up in the Chelsea Chelsea Hotel in Manhattan

in the 80s, which is something that not many people got to do, and moves on to just be a wildly wonderful and life-affirming sort of series of lessons about how to be an independent artist and person.

It's the greatest.

It's called In My Remaining Years, and it comes out in just a couple of weeks.

And you can go and pre-order it right now, wherever you get your books.

Bookshop.org is a good place to connect with a local independent bookstore near you.

In My Remaining Years by Gene Gray, do yourself a favor and go and pre-order it now.

And the Max Fun Drive is right around the corner.

So get those joining fingers warmed up.

We're going to have all kinds of special stuff going down during the drive.

And it is the time when we ask you to join Maximum Fund.

So get ready for it because there's going to be...

prizes and special events and all kinds of amazing stuff next month.

And I'll I'll remind you, if you didn't know, being a member of Maximum Fund is the only way that you can receive the Judge John Hodgman members only mailbag and your bonus content feed every month.

And we've been having a great time talking to our member listeners over there on all of the subjects that they request or demand of us.

So maximumfund.org slash join will be the place to go to become a member or to upgrade your membership during the Max Fund drive.

It's really important and we thank you in advance for your support.

Let's get back to that case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

So first of all, happy upcoming one-year anniversary of

your dating and your Poniwani living together and your relationship.

I wish you many, many years of happiness ahead of you, but separately because I'm ordering that you break up.

No, I'm just joking.

In fact, I wish you many, many years of good fortune and happiness together.

And in fact, I am the one-year anniversary is the paper anniversary.

So I'm going to send you some paper, specifically paper in the shape of Lauren Coleman's book on the Dover Demon, and you're going to enjoy them and you're going to display them on a shelf, not just leave them on the floor, like some other things in your lives.

Alana, I kind of want to rule against you here because the fact of the matter is you were teasing Candy Boy and he didn't like it.

And then I ordered you to call him Johnny Umami, and you haven't.

You're already in contempt of court.

And yet, obviously, I'm not going to rule against you, Alana, because,

first of all, is your house.

It is reasonable to set a standard of tidiness in your own house, so long as you are not sharing a lease.

It's really interesting because, in couples who get together and end up cohabitating for whatever reason, There is not often, in fact, it is more than often, it is usual that there is an asymmetry in person's

tolerance of clutter.

You see tidy

in Carson's own home,

and yet in your own home, Alana, suddenly you see clutter.

I'm not saying that you're seeing things wrong.

I'm not gaslighting you.

I'm saying it's weird that he's tidy at home and yet he has this water clutter

of

childhood drought fear trauma stacked up next to your premarital bed.

I believe you, bottle boy, when you say that it is hard for you to toss out water even when it is old and stale and kind of disgusting.

That you were just raised that way.

And yet you have new, that as you move closer and closer into cohabitation, you are going to have to

learn to meld your little weirdsies with Alana's little weirdsies, to quote the great Linda Holmes by her new novel Now,

and to

exercise some flexibility as you mold your

weird trauma-informed habits with hers,

or just simply your weird habits, whether or not they're trauma-informed.

Especially when I don't think there's anything weird about Alana's feeling like, I don't love the look

of three water bottles and a foam roller on the floor shoved in.

And more to the point, her feeling that she doesn't love the feel of that.

You know, I made a joke earlier about how it would, you know, I have difficulty.

tolerating ambiguity.

I would not have a lot of fun sleeping next to a box that contains a cat that is dead and alive at the same time.

If the cat's dead, that's sad.

If it's alive, what's going on?

Why am I sleeping next to

this emboxed cat?

And I completely understand why Alana would feel just a little weirded out

by these three bottles,

half or quarter or third full of old last summer water.

It skews me out.

And I'm talking to you through the internet.

I'm not anywhere near that glass of old water that's sitting between the two of you.

Is it rational?

Well, I mean, no.

If you were in your own home, you could do whatever you wanted.

And the episode has not even gone out, but I'm already getting the emails saying that water can't go bad and it's just perfectly fine or saying it can go bad.

And he's going to die if he drinks it.

I don't know the answer.

But generally speaking, water itself is pretty stable.

It will last a long time.

It depends on where it is stored according to the internet.

Like, there's a reason that there are expiration dates on plastic bottles of water because the plastic leaches into the water over time.

And I don't know if your

metal water tumblers have a coating inside that is good or bad for water as it as it ages, shall we say?

Having that, you are grossed out yourself by that plastic straw that's been sitting in that water that whole time.

Surely that might have leached out.

I don't like to drink out of plastic bottles because there's an off taste.

It's all very personal, even if it's not particularly poisonous.

But I do think that there's a reason why we like and recommend that you drink fresh water rather than old water that's been sitting around for a while.

Because

it gets gross.

If it doesn't get gross in actuality, it gets gross in our minds.

And especially when Alana is offering what seems to be

a really good

alternative, which you should have learned growing up in a place that used poop water to water lawns, feed it to the plants.

But I mean, you know,

your refusal,

even in this moment, you're not like, oh, yeah, we should feed it to the plants.

It was dumb of me to ever think otherwise.

You're still like, I don't know that she even asked me.

I have to think about it.

Like,

that speaks to your irrational

relationship with the water by your bed, right?

You have a connection.

Even then,

you are irrationally attached to the idea of saving, nay, hoarding that water.

And I'm here to tell you that your irrational attachment to the water and Alana, your irrational disgust by the water, those things may be irrational in the sense that they are not particularly fact-based, but they are still reasonable.

They are still reasonable.

If you are grossed out by something, even though that might be some atavistic reflex in your body that was designed to keep you alive in times when we didn't have purified water or whatever it is, like being grossed out is your body sending you an evolutionary message designed to keep you alive.

That reflex may not be appropriately deployed to this particular glass of water in front of you, but it is okay to honor that gross out feeling.

It is an uncomfortable feeling and you don't deserve to have it while you're in the most intimate space that you

inhabit in your life, which is your most vulnerable state of sleeping and dreaming.

You don't need to have that gross out added to it.

Now, obviously, If you were both on the lease, this would be more of a discussion, but there is no discussion here.

It's enough that Alana is like, this grosses me out, dude.

Stop it.

It should be, it's your, it's year one of your relationship.

You should be tripping over yourself, or more likely tripping over your three bottles of water on the floor to fix this problem.

And especially when Alana offers you an ecologically sound way of disposing of the water.

And if you're not convinced that gross out matters, look at the water in front of you, bottle boy.

I don't know whether you notice a different color.

I don't know whether whether you notice a different smell.

You yourself said the straw was grossing you out.

And on the table of zero, get it away.

And 10, yum, yum, can't wait to sip it up.

You're at five.

Now,

I got a cat.

Pretty dumb cat.

And one of the wonderfully weird things it does, like a lot of cats, is it will only drink water out of a human glass on a windowsill.

And even that cat knows when not to drink the water anymore.

You know not to drink this water on some level.

If I ordered you to drink it, you'd probably be fine.

But maybe not, and I don't want to be sued into oblivion.

So I'm asking you to put that water aside.

I'm not going to ask you to drink it.

Do you want to drink it?

It's reminding me of like when you blow the spit valve out on your tuba.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

This is spit valve water.

Push it away from you.

Go ahead.

I ask you to push push it away.

Thank you.

And thank you for sliding it.

That was a great sound.

You know,

I have a tumbler of water.

I'm going to go ahead and say it.

It's a Yeti tumbler, my favorite.

I have it by my bedside every night on a table, and I fill it up with ice water every night, and I drink it all the way down, and every morning I rinse it out because I love knowing that there's fresh, clean water next to me.

And the best part about it is that when the bottom of the Yeti tumbler is a little bit damp,

the surface of our counter is such that when I rub the bottle over the surface, it makes a sound like a chewbacca or a Tuscan Raider.

Sounds like this.

I couldn't get that sound out of the studio, but try it at home.

In the meantime,

Don't drink the water.

Take that water, pour it in a plant here at the studio, pour the rest of the water out into plants.

I would say all you need in your water profile, your night water profile is big yellow.

64 ounces, right?

Is that a gallon even?

It's a whole gallon, right?

Yeah.

You don't need those other two except to prop up your pillow, I suppose.

You know, the fact of the matter is, I find that foam roller and those three water bottles to be really ugly sitting down there.

And I would not sleep with you, Carson, but it's not my choice.

And Alana didn't, Alana isn't opposing you on aesthetic grounds here.

So I am going to say dump out the water of all three bottles.

You can have three bottles and a foam roller as long as those bottles are clean and the water is fresh.

And when they are done or you're you're done drinking from them and there's still water left over, it gets poured in the plants and you rinse them out.

And if at some point Alana looks at the foam roller in the three bottles and says,

Judge John Hodgman is right,

then you got to downsize to one water bottle or something else.

But in the meantime, Alana, you got to call him Johnny Umami.

Call him Johnny Umamami right now.

I love you, Johnny Umami.

Yeah, that's the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Johnny U, how do you feel?

I think I sort of expected that.

I feel good about

the ruling.

I think it's good ruling and advice as we move into year two

together.

Alana, how do you feel?

I feel great.

I feel like justice was served.

I feel like Carson is going to, you know, be better served by this because he won't be having nasty water next to the bed anymore.

And I will just feel a lot less gross.

So I feel great.

Alana, Johnny Umami,

thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast and happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to you and to all.

Thank you both.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is now in the books.

Our thanks to Redditor Banjo Solo for naming this week's episode Gulpable Negligence.

If you want to name an episode, we are on Reddit at reddit.com/slash r/slash maximum fun.

That's also where we encourage you to go to discuss every episode of the program.

Evidence and photos from the show, including those two lovely lovebird dogs,

is online at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman and of course on the episode page at maximumfun.org.

You can also find find us on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

We encourage you to do so.

Find us, subscribe, smash the like button, share an episode with a friend.

Oh, and speaking of Reddit and YouTube, I want to thank all of the listeners and viewers who answered the challenge and discovered what is different in the background of my office here in my Brooklyn studio.

There was one subtle difference in the background that I challenged listeners and viewers to check out in the episode 707 Cease and Toxoplasmosist.

And I want to shout out to the YouTube commenters,

Melanie Michaud825, as well as Rules underscore Rainbow Wizard, as well as Heather Cook1408,

and also over there on the subreddit, the Maximum Fund subreddit, discussion of this particular episode, Tokyumi Kiboo.

I don't know how to pronounce that.

They all noticed, and you will too if you're watching on YouTube, that the Moxie poster behind me that has my face on it, I taped over the eyes on my face.

And the reason for that is that our video editor, Daniel Speer, pointed out that the brand new fancy camera that I'm pointing at right now

has an autofocus on it, and it didn't know which was the real John Hodgman: me, the human being,

or

the metallic two-dimensional simulacrum behind me.

And from time to time, it would focus on his face, not mine.

Am I even alive?

I wonder.

Whatever the case, I'm very happy to interact with all of you everywhere you leave your comments.

It's such a delight to see, especially and not least over there on Apple Podcasts, where Apple user J Varnes43 left us some kind kind words as well as a five-star rating.

G Varnes asked, is a podcast a comfort food?

Answer, yes.

This show always makes me feel better, whether it is Jesse's uncontrollable giggling at a derpy dog pick or the judge's disdain for corny puns or just the comfort of knowing I'm not the only one with idiosyncratic schemes.

Thank you, G-Varnes43.

And if you, you know who I'm talking about, you who's listening or watching right now, if you have a few kind words you'd like like to share on Apple podcasts or PocketCasts and you want to leave those words and a five-star rating, I'm not going to stop you because that will very much help people discover the show.

Same deal over on Spotify and obviously on YouTube.

Like, share, subscribe, and comment to spread the show to people who you might think would enjoy it.

And you could even just call up a friend and say, Hello, I'm calling you on my dial telephone from 1983.

Would you like to listen to a podcast?

Wait a couple decades till this one's invented.

It's called Judge John Hodgman.

Maybe they'll really enjoy it.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode engineered by Charles DeMontebello at CDM Sound Studios in New York City.

Our social media manager, Dan Telford, the podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our video producer is Daniel Speer.

Our producer, Jennifer Marmer.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment.

Consistent article 975 says on the maximum fund subreddit: My husband wants to replace our television with a new and larger model.

Our TV works perfectly well.

He just wants something fancier.

Replacing RTV is a waste of money and it's environmentally irresponsible.

Please order him to stop lobbying for a new TV until the old one stops working.

Jesse Thornton, you'll recall sometime many years ago, my life got changed because

I was but a strange writer for magazines whose life was kidnapped by television.

And suddenly, my career changed.

And for the first time, I was able to afford a flat-screen television,

which were still pretty new and pretty expensive at the time.

And I bought that flat-screen television.

And that flat-screen television is now 18 years old.

Still works.

Still works.

Now,

does it get dimmer and dimmer?

Or am I, or am I losing my sight?

I don't know.

But I think about replacing it all the time because

nowadays we are so prone to understanding that technology needs to be, we've been trained to think that it needs to be thrown away and replaced every three to five years.

But unless you have a teenager in your house who is using virtual reality and accidentally punches your TV in the nose, as what happened with our TV in Maine, there's no need to replace your TV just because you want it.

That said,

if you get a job on Apple commercials that has completely changed your life and turned your life into a weird fantasy that you never imagined would be true and

you're living in Narnia, basically, you can celebrate by buying a new TV.

But only then

is

consistent Article 975's husband allowed to get a new TV until it dies.

And I'll tell you something, be patient, husband.

It will die because they don't make them like they used to make them 18 years ago.

I think now they make them worse.

So I'm sure your TV will die soon enough.

But until then, your wife is absolutely right.

It's hang on to the TV

until it either dies

or until you get a job making an Apple commercial and your life is transformed completely.

If you don't have a teenager to play VR in your living room, I can offer my autistic seven-year-old who, when dysregulated, finds the heaviest thing they can find to throw it the most valuable thing they can find.

That sounds like insurance fraud,

but it also seems like a healthy side hustle.

So I'll just say, I'll not say

the warranty technicians who came to my house did not ask any questions and I volunteered no information.

And you still haven't.

One way to ruin a television is to pour water all over it.

Consistent article 975, husband, maybe you've got a gallon jug of water that you could pour all over your TV on accident, as they say.

Some say by accident.

That might be a water-based dispute for a future show, and we'd like more of them.

What are some more disputes about water we can hear on this show?

Are you a still water person or a sparkling water person?

Or if you're at the restaurant, you just say, tap, before they even ask the question.

Does your partner want to go on a tropical vacation near an ocean, but you want a mountain getaway with a lake?

What is the best song about water?

Is it The Ocean by Led Zeppelin or Under the Sea by from Little Mermaid or Smoke on the Water by that other band?

I just made that, I didn't make it up, but that's the only other water song I can think of.

What's the wettest song?

Oh, Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls by TLC.

That's one.

That's a water song.

What's the best?

What's I'm not going to ask what's the best water song?

I'm going to ask this much more important question.

What is the wettest song of all time?

Let us know.

Send in all of your disputes and thoughts and comments at maximumfund.org slash jjho on the subject of h2o or h2 anything right jesse we want to hear your disputes on any subject maximumfund.org slash jjho is where you submit them no dispute too big or small

maximumfund.org slash jjho we'll talk to you next time on the judge john hodgman podcast

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