Barking and Entering

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne.

This week, barking and entering, David brings the case against his roommate, Logan.

David and Logan own a home together.

David has a husky named Voltar.

When David lets Voltar out into the yard, he leaves the door open so Voltar can let himself back in.

Logan says when the door is left open, the heating system kicks in.

This makes Logan unbearably hot.

Logan says human comfort is more important than dog comfort.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Reasons my husky got mad at me this week.

Number one, he couldn't get down the stairs at my boyfriend's place because they were too steep.

So my boyfriend had to carry him.

I will be taking full accountability for the angle of the stairs.

I should have been there when they were building the house 20 years before I was born to ensure that they installed an acceptable slope for my husky.

Reason number two, I stopped letting him inside, outside, outside, inside, inside, outside.

After an hour at the end of the day, I am his employee.

And if he wants to go inside, outside, outside, inside for 24 hours a day, it's on me to open and close the door for him as much as he pleases.

And speaking of opening doors, number three, I didn't open the door all the way.

And even though he could 100% open it himself, why should he have to exert any extra energy when I'm clearly right there?

So I really just need to stop being so lazy and stop making my dog so angry.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

David Logan, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the real expert on Huskies is my eccentric aunt Gail?

Yes, yes.

She runs Nor Sled Rescue in Oakland, California.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Thank you.

David and Logan, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom?

I don't know, but Logan, what's your guess?

I'm going to just throw it out there that maybe it was something quoted from Cesar Milan.

Something quoted from Caesar Milan.

Isn't he the dog guy?

I don't know.

Is Caesar Milan the dog guy?

He's a dog guy.

He's a dog guy?

He's a dog guy.

Controversial dog guy.

Controversial.

Oh, he's a dog whisperer.

Yeah, this guy whispers to dogs.

Well, it says here on the internet, he's a canine professional.

I don't know.

A canine professional is more like Eddie from Fraser.

Yeah, I was going to say.

As a working dog.

Can you tell me why he's controversial, Jesse Thorne?

Do you know why?

Yeah, it's his training methods focus on dominating your dogs.

Oh, no.

Forget about it.

That's not happening in David and Logan's house anyway.

David, what's your guess?

Absolutely not.

I am surprised Logan didn't know this.

He sends me these videos all the time.

I don't know the name, unfortunately.

It is a YouTube series of shorts where this gallon, our really, really vocal husky,

just runs the house.

Do you remember his name at all?

Why?

If he remembers the name, then I'm going to rule in his favor.

David, you should keep it to yourself.

I'll keep it to myself.

Do you remember the name, Logan?

I don't know the name for the life of me now.

And Logan, you don't remember either?

No, I can't say that I do.

All right.

The name of the account.

And by the way, David, you're absolutely right.

We're still going to hear the case because you couldn't name it.

Sure.

And even if you could name it, I would find some other reason to disqualify you because we are doing a podcast here after all.

But I really appreciate your guess better, by the way, better than Cesar Milan.

Oh.

No offense, Logan, but you did a bad job.

That's all right.

No,

both are terrific.

The answer is I was reading a transcript of a YouTube video entitled Another Week of My Husky Being Angry With Me from the YouTube channel titled Levi the Rescue Husky.

You're absolutely right, David, that Levi is particularly vocal, particularly about floors and doors and stairs, especially hardwood floors.

He will not walk on hardwood floors, so his human companion, the woman was narrating the video, is constantly putting down long carpet runners and doormats so that Levi can move from room to room.

But this does not rescue her from being in trouble for having hardwood floors in the first place.

And in the past, you know, we do our member mailbag, which is the members only, it goes out in the bonus content feed for members only,

where we read all of your letters and talk about them.

And I've been saying for the past couple of weeks over in the membo mailbag that I believe, I believe that cats are weirder than dogs.

I'm obsessed with videos of cats obsessively carrying large stuffed animals from room to room.

Obviously, dogs have odd habits and preferences too, but I always felt like that's because dogs are just kind of goofballs, whereas cats are neurotic and strange.

But now that I've been visiting with various huskies on social media, including Levi, the rescue husky, I realize I may be wrong because huskies are weird.

Isn't that right, David?

They're weird.

Yeah, yeah, they can be.

They're considered, I believe, the cat of the dog breed.

Something similar.

Well, so first of all, let me understand what's going on here, David.

You and Logan are housemates.

Is that right?

Yeah, we've been roommates for a good seven years, six years, something like that,

through four different houses.

And it was the fourth house where we finally said, hey, you know what?

We'll just buy one together instead of renting.

Right.

But Voltar, the husky, is the landlord.

He kind of runs the place

in a way.

Yeah.

And this is in Portland, Oregon.

We're in Salem, Oregon.

Salem, the capital of Oregon.

The capital of Oregon, yeah.

What are you both the state legislators?

We are both state legislators, yeah.

Now, for those of you who are watching on the YouTube, you may notice that I'm wearing my formal robes today because my travel, because we just, we just came off of a leg of tour where we performed in Portland as well as Seattle and Vancouver, incredible shows, San Francisco as well.

In Los Angeles, our show went late at Dynasty Typewriter, a wonderful venue.

We can't wait to play there again.

But as a result, the

The drag show that was following us was delayed.

And one of the stars of the drag show, as compensation, demanded that I give her my robes.

Yeah,

I mean to be fair

they had planned a Kramer versus Kramer number that required a judge's robe for the judge

the judge who was going to be played by a baby doll they introduced as their baby.

Yeah, everything worked out according to their plan and the and the universe's plan.

Yeah, their vision was clear.

Let's put it that way.

Yeah.

I just had to take, I just had to take a moment to

acknowledge for for the YouTube viewers over at Judge John Hodgman Pod over at YouTube why I'm wearing different robes, and also to cover for the fact that these robes are longer in the sleeve and were getting caught under the roly wheels of my chair.

So I had to fix that.

By the way, Logan complains about being unbearably hot.

I think we all look unbearably hot in this incredible YouTube video.

If you want to see how unbearably hot we all look.

in our fancy robes and t-shirts and bailiff's outfits.

Go over there to John Hodgman, pod, judge John Hodgman pod on YouTube.

All right, so here we are, uh, David and Logan.

Um, you on you now, this is a home that you now own together, is that right?

Yes, right.

And David, let's get this out of the way.

Uh, how weird is Voltar?

Oh, uh, not that weird.

He's uh, he's he's an older husky, he is, uh, he's big for his breed, he's like 65 pounds of dog and fluff.

Uh, he, you know, he's set in his ways a little bit.

Is that my fault?

Probably.

But yeah, he's.

I'm not sure it's your fault because, Jesse, you mentioned that your aunt runs a rescue for Huskies.

And isn't it true that Huskies are kind of notoriously temperamental in a certain way?

Huskies are absolutely bonkers.

My aunt happens to also be bonkers.

I love you so much, Gail.

And so it's a good match, but Huskies, having been bred to pull dog sleds, are absolutely indefatigable.

They're really intense,

as you said, really vocal.

All northern breeds are very vocal.

My mom had a samoid that she named Sugar Bear that she insisted could talk.

My mom still talks to Sugar Bear.

She'll be like, oh, Sugar Bear, how are you doing?

But Huskies are spectacularly beautiful and very,

very intense dogs.

My aunt and her former partner, Deb, used to take the Huskies out to the park in Oakland and have a big Husky meetup where they all hooked their Huskies up to dog sleds on roller skate wheels.

Yeah.

I'm sure they were really happy.

It was the only way to like really satisfy the Huskies.

But I think lately, in the last decade or so, Huskies have become one of the most, if not the most common breed in dog pounds because

of their popularity, perhaps because of Game of Thrones and people just not being prepared for what intense, high-energy, intelligent, escape-prone, opinionated, walk not interested in dogs Huskies are.

And they want to be outside a lot.

Yeah.

And if you put them on a leash, they think you're a dog sled.

David, your dog is named Voltar.

It sure is, yeah.

You mentioned that he's an older fella.

Sure.

What is his age?

He's 11 years old now.

And I really do hope that you sent in some photos.

Yes, you did.

If you go to the evidence document, Jesse Thorne, you can see Voltar and David embracing, and everyone can see this at maximumfund.org or on all our socials.

That's exhibit A.

Look at these dorks.

I love it.

And in the first picture, you see Voltar's Voltar's eyes are closed in utter contentment, as is David's,

because it's quite a hug here.

But in the second exhibit, you get to see Voltar's bright gray-blue eyes, which is one of the piercing

the piercing eyes are distinctive to the Husky.

Isn't that right, David?

It sure is, yeah.

It's one of the reasons we picked him up.

Now, Jesse Thorne did an imitation of his mom's Samoyed.

What kind of sound does Voltar make?

How does he talk?

He barks when he wants to come in.

Like, if I do have the door shut, he will bark to come inside.

Yeah, what does that sound like?

You're still speaking English.

Would you like me to bark at you?

Yeah, we're trying to make a podcast, sir.

I apologize.

He gives me a good

when he wants to come back inside.

And

he will howl if other huskies are howling on.

What does that sound like?

Well, that sounds like

a lot like that, but more dog-like.

You're welcome.

I no longer am holding you in contempt of chord.

Thank you for having me.

But, David, you did send in a you thank you for imitating a dog, but you sent in a video that includes some of Voltar's vocalizations.

And the name of this video is Video of Voltar Howling If We Need It, and I think We'd Need It.

Jennifer Marmor, can you play that video?

Oh, he's so upset.

For those of you who are not watching along, Voltar is

howling along with some dogs.

Being projected on the wall.

Being projected on the wall.

You guys are watching dog YouTubes together, and Voltar is

trying to talk to his friends.

I'm not sure I was prepared for how long this would go on for.

Oh, there it is.

That was it.

I was going to say, 35 minutes later.

Oh, no.

Oh, what a good roommate to have.

He's so great.

What were you watching?

Dogs howling also.

Dogs howling.

That's the only way to get him to howl.

So usually, you know, we'll just throw it on if he needs to get some anger out.

That's a good roommate, Husky, actually, because

if it really takes that in order to get him howling, and I presume that you put that on to get him howling at Logan's request, right?

Because Logan, you love living with this dog, right?

Oh, no, actually, I really enjoy Voltar.

He's great.

It's David who's the problem.

It's David.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm sure I understood.

I would say that the Husky howling usually happens late at night for the neighbors' enjoyment.

I'm sure they appreciate it.

Well, wait a minute.

David just said that he can't get Voltar to howl unless he's watching a howling video.

Yeah, that's right.

So why, David, why are you showing howling videos late at night?

Well, I'm not.

He does it.

He does the howling videos.

I would say we both do it.

Yeah, sure.

We just like to annoy the neighbors.

So not only are you not disturbed, Logan, by the howling, you encourage it late at night.

I do it at all times of the day.

I'll put those on whenever I think he's in the mood for it.

You know, there are things about Voltar.

You can just tell by looking at him that he, he, you feel like he needs to let something out.

And that's when I know pull up YouTube, search Husky Howling and just put on what gets him going.

You just know instinctively that the dog that Voltar needs to sing.

I can absolutely tell.

So Logan, if it's not the howling, why do you hate Voltar so much?

I actually don't hate Voltar.

I just, I, I believe that, uh, you know, it makes things really difficult at night when I'm.

Do you want David to leave the door open and to keep it open forever.

I'd say that's the opposite.

You want David to open the door, let Voltar out, and then close it shut, and Voltar never comes home.

Isn't that right, Logan?

No, no, not at all.

So, what is the issue here?

It's getting too hot, getting too hot.

It's getting too hot in here.

Take off all your fur?

What?

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have to keep my bedroom door closed at night.

Voltar is notorious for some other actions, such as like eating my socks.

And,

you know, I have an eight-year-old son.

To be fair, you have socks.

So it's down on you.

But it's only my socks that get eaten.

Like I was just saying, you know, I have an eight-year-old son who is also there about half the time, half of the week.

You know, Voltar doesn't touch anyone else's socks, just mine.

And there have been at least three or four socks destroyed recently.

At least,

so I just, I keep my bedroom door closed at night so he doesn't wander wander in, get into things, you know, normal husky behavior.

Do you keep your bedroom door closed to protect your songs because you are uh bureau averse?

Have you not a drawer, sir?

I'll admit, you know, when it's uh time to, you know, head to bed, I probably just toss him on the floor and deal with it later.

That's a fair point.

Okay, well, thank you.

I make I make pretty fair ones sometimes.

John, have you ever read The Call of the Wild by Jack London?

Uh, no, but I know its famous opening line.

That were the wild, Colin.

I've never read it.

No, what is it?

It's an incredible thrill ride, a story about sled dogs.

And

there's a really exciting chapter about eating socks.

Is there really?

No.

Oh,

it would be great if there was just a sock chapter in between the like wolf that's like trying to draw them into the forest.

They're just like, also,

I forgot to mention these effers kept eating my socks.

I only brought two pairs.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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But Logan says that it's only his socks that get eaten.

And Logan, may I ask, is that because you moisturize your feet with alpo?

No, I don't know.

Maybe

I think I have my own theories, but they're not good.

Let's hear it.

I want to hear David's theories about why Logan's feet taste like dog food.

Logan has feet features that I just don't have that excite Voltar.

Let me please say a sixth toe.

If Logan wants to tell you about his feet features, I'll let him.

I don't know that this is why, but on each foot, two of my toes are webbed together.

Really?

Yeah.

That's incredible.

I do.

Does that make you a fast swimmer?

That's a common

misconception.

Well, have you ever timed yourself?

I mean, versus a clone of you without webbed feet, I guess.

To get a control, you would need to.

Do you have an identical twin whose feet are not webbed?

Sadly, I don't.

Okay, I guess we'll never know, just the extent of your superpowers.

Thank you for sharing that with us.

But it makes his feet tasty, apparently.

What do you two kids do for a living?

We work in a call center as supervisors.

We're both in the same job.

You're the same job and at the same house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The job is where we kind of met

and then just chaos ensued afterwards.

So,

uh, and this and Logan, you, you were roommates, like rental roommates for a long time, but this is a home the two of you now own together.

Is that right, Logan?

Yeah, that's correct.

What made you decide to take the next step in this relationship?

I, I mean, I would say you always need somewhere to live.

Um, you know, rent prices continue to go up every year.

And, you know, we had the means to just, you know, get something and figured, you know, it'd be easier to, you know, invest invest in ourselves than pay for someone else's mortgage very very wise and uh let me ask has the dog profile always been one in david's life david oh i can yeah i'll show it uh he he was part of a trio at at one point um

way earlier i would say about you know 10 years ago uh okay i had two other dogs and uh two other huskies no no no uh a boxer and a in a in a mixed in a mixed breed

they both passed for, you know, being old, old dogs.

And then, so he's the last of the, of the trio of, of dogs that I had.

But, uh, you know, I've, I've known Voltar for 11 years.

I've known Logan for seven years.

So, you know.

Voltar is more important to you than Voltar is more important to me.

Right.

So, all right, let's get down to it then.

Finally, Voltar

is

making you hot.

Is that correct, Logan?

I would say he's causing the indirect temperature increase.

Yeah.

Why don't you give it to me in plain English, not howling?

I think I can manage that.

So

as he needs to be let outside.

Oh, that's right.

You were talking, you were going to this whole thing about how you have to keep your bedroom door closed.

Right.

Yep.

So my bedroom door is closed.

And, you know, it's still winter.

That's cold outside.

And so when Voltar needs let out, you know, days.

Yeah, I believe in Portland, Oregon, it might be 59 degrees as low as that during winter, right?

You You know, in the middle of the night, we're getting down to, you know, 20s, 20, 20, 29 degrees with moisture.

Sorry to cold, shame you.

I mean, I've lived in eastern Oregon where, you know, it definitely gets quite colder, but different climates.

The temperate Pacific Midwest, but I'll tell you what, it could be in the 20s, but it's damp, so it feels even colder.

All right, let's talk about that.

So, so yeah, so the day Dave leaves the door open.

Oh, why are we dancing around this, Logan?

What happens?

David lets the dog out, but doesn't close the door all the way so the dog can get back in.

That triggers the thermostat, and all of a sudden you're sweating bullets in your room.

That's right.

Yeah.

And we only have the thermostat for the heater set to like 67, 68 degrees, but when it's running constantly in a single bedroom,

I get woken in the middle of sleep, you know, sweating.

You're saying the only heater in this house is in your bedroom.

It all comes through your bedroom.

Well, Dave has shut off all the other vents in the house.

is that true

yeah i i'm a i'm i'm a i'm a warm human uh right on my own uh i i

you don't know that that's because you're constantly walking around with five pounds of shedded husky fur all over your body i i i have my own coat it's you know i i just i i like a cool house well logan's not complaining about it being too cold in the house correct he's complaining about it getting too hot in his room right because there's a cold breeze blowing in causing the thermostat to call for heat constantly.

Right.

All right.

And how do you answer his accusation?

True or false?

That is true.

Sometimes that does happen.

How often does it happen?

Twice, probably.

Logan?

I would dispute those statements, Your Honor.

Twice in what span, sir?

Like this winter in recent memory.

Okay.

Yeah.

Where's the thermostat and where is the heat coming out of and where are they relative to each other?

Great question.

So, we have the floor.

They're all on the floor, all the stuff that blows the hot air.

And then the floor.

Those are the vents.

The vents are in the floor.

The vents are on the floor.

And then the thermostat's in the middle of the house in the hallway.

On the wall.

On the wall.

Yeah.

That's where the thermostat classically is.

So is that thermostat exposed to the cold air when that door opens?

It sure is.

It is right

there.

And

it's trying to warm up the whole house.

It's trying to warm up that hallway, but because you have all the vents closed, it's only

warming up one bedroom.

Yeah.

Two.

I also have my son's bedroom, but he hasn't complained.

Yeah.

Logan, have you ever requested that the vents be opened so that the superheat gets distributed more evenly through the house?

Do you think that would be helpful?

I don't think that it would solve the issue entirely as when the door stays open, there's a constant stream of cold air going in.

So it would still trigger the heater to be going constantly.

And wouldn't there also be a constant stream?

If Voltar goes out into the yard and you leave the door a little bit ajar so he can get back in, David, wouldn't there also be aside from air, a constant stream of bugs and mice and other pests getting in?

Not so much the bugs.

In the summertime, sure, we can get some mosquitoes, but it's not too bad.

I only leave the door open slightly and so that he can just shove his nose in there and then open it himself when he wants to come in.

So not only is you're leaving the sliding door open a crack causing your roommate and his eight-year-old son to dehydrate perilously in their sauna bedrooms,

but also Voltar doesn't like it either.

Who's happy in this arrangement?

If Voltar wants

the door wide open, yeah, but you're just saying, I leave it open a little bit so he can let himself in, but then he refuses to do so because it's not open wide enough.

That's the precursor to what occurs afterwards, right?

So, all right, give me the postcursor.

He opens the door with his nose so that he's happy and content outside.

And then while he's happy outside, they're miserable inside.

Okay, so he, you leave it open a little bit.

Voltaire's like, uh-uh, uh,

and he'll open it a little bit more and then you'll stay outside.

And then just go and play even more.

Exactly.

And I, as his, uh, you know, I don't think this is the wrong term to use, father, see it as a way for me to, you know, just appreciate him as a, as his own being.

And,

you know, he, he, he just wants to be a little dog doing dog stuff outside, staring at the sky or something.

I don't know what

would happen if you closed the door all the way.

Well, he would, he would come back to the door and bark like I, like I did.

Like this.

Yeah, like that.

The faithful reenactment earlier.

He also scratches at the door to let you know if you're not responding fast enough.

He'll paw at the door.

Yeah.

And that could cause some damage to this home that you've bought.

It's really just,

it triggers me when I hear the bark or when I hear the scratch, I immediately have to go and open the door for him.

And then, you know, late at night, when I'm back from work and done with the gym and I just want to like hang out and be at home, I don't want to be up and down, up and down, up and down the same way he wants to be in and out, in and out, in and out.

So, yeah, I leave the door open.

Logan, if you acknowledge that closing the door on Voltar causes disruption in the form of barking and scratching, what solution do you propose if closing the door isn't an option?

I mean, I still agree that closing the door is an option.

Oh, okay.

I still see.

Oh, you want Voltar to suffer?

No, I don't think he needs to suffer.

You want him to be disturbed and bark and scratch.

I mean, he's a husky.

He's built for cold weather.

He'll be fine for, you know, two minutes to, you know, give some time to get there.

But yeah, but he knows that door is closed.

And he won't be happy.

And he can't get through to your sweet, sweet, smelly socks.

I think that's just part of the burden of being a husky dog owner.

No, dogs get no burdens.

No,

they're the only thing that matter.

You heard David.

Well, he he desires the burden of a dog sled.

Yeah, he's okay.

So you're sorry.

Go ahead, David.

No, I was agreeing with Jesse.

He would love a dog sled.

He wouldn't know what to do with it, but he would love to have one.

Have you ever shown him one?

Maybe he might have one.

I have not shown him a dog sled now next Christmas.

Yeah, I mean, I think the obvious answer here, David, is you've got a husky.

You should be building an igloo outside and then sleeping with the husky in there.

Like in the call of the wild.

I definitely also am agreeable to, you know, like a doggy door situation.

We at one point did have one, but as Dave mentioned, you know, he's had some other dogs in the past.

And some of the other places we've lived had a little bit of a steep step to get outside.

So it wasn't great for the older dogs.

You know, I don't know if that could be workable in the new house, but

there's a few options out there.

Well, you now, you own your own place, so you could install a custom doggy door without getting dinged by the landlord.

But on the other hand, the sliding glass door, you can't put a doggy door in there.

Where would this, where would the doggy door go?

Yeah, we, we used to have an insert uh doggy door that would fit into a sliding glass door frame.

Right.

The only issue with it is I'm a fairly wide man.

And so, you know, I don't like to shuffle sideways through my sliding glass door to, you know, just because there's a dog door there.

So I just.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you somewhat inconvenienced?

I am somewhat inconvenienced by that.

Because, because Logan is what, what's it like when you wake up in the middle of the night?

Tell me, tell me what it's like.

You know, you're in bed, you're sleeping, you're having a great dream about who knows what, and then you start suffering inside your dream until you're.

You're probably dreaming about swimming real fast in the open ocean.

That's right.

With my webbed toes.

Like Namur,

the submariner

who i i guess we call namur now or aquaman the water man that's right he is a man of water

yeah sorry you're having a beautiful dream yeah and then it just something in in the dream you start feeling like it it's warming up and it starts to become uncomfortable and you just you wake up in a cold not a cold sweat but you wake up in a hot sweat in a hot sweat uh thinking

did i fall asleep in a sauna you know and uh i immediately realize what's going on so i you know wake up and i i go out to the kitchen uh which is right next to where the sliding door is um you know there have been times dave has gone to bed and that sliding door is wide open in the middle of the night uh two or three in the morning and i shut it and

Do you do you ascertain whether or not Voltar is in or out before you shut it?

He's in my room.

You know, he's probably with Dave.

So you just take a guess.

I just say, you know what?

I'm tired.

I've got to get two to three more hours of sleep before I have to get up.

The door's closed.

This also suggests if it's two o'clock in the morning, a security concern.

Yeah.

I would agree.

Like, I don't know what's going on in Salem, Oregon.

Not much.

Yeah.

But I mean, you know, just having a...

Not even in rural Maine would I leave a door ajar.

I mean, I might leave it unlocked, but this is just anyone should know that if a door is unlocked, that does not mean that you should walk into someone's home if you don't know them.

Just a suggestion.

But that said, even if I were to leave a door unlocked in rural Maine where nothing happens, I would not leave it ajar because an owl might fly in.

Voltar is known to chase possums in the backyard.

Yeah.

Well, that's too bad because possums are great.

I like possums.

Does he ever get them?

Yeah.

They're really good at playing dead, and he's really good at falling for that.

Wait, what?

The possums are really good at playing dead.

What?

What are you even talking about?

I've never heard of this before.

An animal living up to its own cliche.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're really good at it.

And

he won't give up.

And, you know, he'll shake it a time or two.

And then, you know, I'll pick it up, put it up front, and it'll scamper off.

Covered in blood.

Covered in blood.

No, it's just playing possum.

Missing a couple of limbs.

Just something you're telling yourself.

But have you considered installing a doggy door?

Well, like I said, we had one.

No, I know that insert didn't work because then it slightly inconvenienced me.

Because you're too wide.

You had to go in the door sideways.

We heard about that.

Have you considered another kind of doggy door?

Is there another kind of doggy door, Jesse?

I don't know.

Most dogs will stay in until they are let out, and they will stay out until they are let in.

So he will be let out, and then if I shut the door behind him, he will have a lesser quality of time while he's out there, and that's sad.

You also are concerned about this or attuned to quality of life because he's an older dog, is what you were intimating earlier.

He's an older dog, yeah.

And I only have a few, you know, he's had some medical issues.

Half his face is shaven right now because he had surgery on a wound he had on his cheek.

How did he get a wound on his cheek?

I don't possibly know.

He was outside.

He was outside.

What do you have, a yard back there?

We have a whole yard.

And is it fenced in?

It's totally fenced in.

No escapes in this house in the last six months.

He's escaped out of every single house ever.

Except he wants to escape.

He would love to escape.

Huskies love escaping.

That's their one thing.

That's the thing they love to do.

At previous homes that we lived, Dave would have to take chicken wire and fence the entire backyard areas of where we lived previously to prevent Voltar from digging under the existing fences.

My aunt Gail had to put down concrete pads in her backyard.

Yep.

So that the Huskies wouldn't

dig their way to freedom

raising Arizona style.

Is that right, Jesse?

Yeah, I believe that's correct.

And it seems like you two have a lot of fun together.

Is there any other issue, any other problem, any other friction in the household aside from

Voltar

or this particular behavior of Voltar's Logan?

We're great roommates.

Seems like you have fun, right?

Yeah, we have a lot of fun together.

Best roommate I've ever had.

Yeah.

Basically, no conflicts outside of this specific issue.

Yeah.

And

do you share cooking duties, shopping duties, or is it all separate?

We split things up pretty well.

Shopping duties, you know, we'll hit up the Costco and split it, you know, every so often.

And

he does the dishes.

I do the vacuuming.

You know, terrific.

Yeah.

I'm glad to know that this is the only point of friction in an otherwise wonderful living arrangement that you both seem to have.

And even with this, like,

you know, I don't find it to be that big of an issue in our, in our living arrangement.

Oh, David, you don't find it to be that big of an issue.

Oh, sorry, Logan.

I'm not sure you knew this.

The thing about you waking up in the middle of the night super hot because the door is wide open and owls are flying in david doesn't find that to be an issue so i really my hands are tied jesse david already solved the problem with the uh vent covers yeah

he's he's not sweating it literally yeah yeah have you considered covering or closing the vents in your and your son's rooms yes um i i will say you know if that were to be the case it would then have uh the opposite effect of being way too cold um for everyone in salem who remembers I think it was about a year or two ago, we had a really bad ice storm where people were without electricity for a few days and the insides of homes were really, really cold for multiple days at a time.

So if the heat's not going in the middle of winter, it's way too cold.

Logan, you and David are best, best bud roomies for sure.

You say you have a son who stays part-time with you?

That's correct.

And how does he feel about Voltar and sweating and freezing and all the other issues?

You know, my son doesn't actually wake up, even if he gets too hot.

Like, my son actually goes to bed over layered.

And when I wake him up for school in the morning, he's thrown everything off because he got too hot in the middle of the night, but he's still asleep.

So it's not, I mean, you care for his well-being.

You don't want him to overheat, but he's not complaining about this issue.

No.

And he, does he like the dog?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

And he's never been pulled around in a wagon by this dog?

Sometimes when they're playing, he gets upset if Voltar paws at him unexpectedly.

It might scratch him accidentally, and he, you know, gets a little upset about that, but that's about the extent of it.

You don't get upset about it because you're like, I'm about to own this whole house.

As soon as that dog disfigures my son,

I'm going to have the temperature set exactly that I want forever.

That's right.

I know.

I know Voltar wouldn't hurt your son.

No.

But he likes, but he likes Voltar, right?

Absolutely.

Okay.

So, all right, Logan,

what do you propose as a solution here?

Well,

I think I'd really like Dave to have empathy for the situation.

One thing that I think would be helpful is if he

spent a night or two experiencing the sauna that I live in at times,

you know, making sure that the vents are on in his room, windows are closed in his bedroom, you know, then we'll leave the door open so he can he can experience it and know what a problem it is.

um but i i think some form of a uh dog door or just closing and opening getting up and down as needed

do you think that david doesn't take your concerns seriously he doesn't believe that it's really happening i i mean i i believe you think he's you think he's natural gaslighting you

oh well played uh i i would say i i think he believes no no it wasn't well played it was wordplay and it took the focus off of the real question, which is, why do you feel David needs to experience this?

Isn't your firsthand experience enough to merit a change?

I don't think that he will take it seriously enough until it affects him.

Well, doesn't it affect both of you in the sense of your heating bills?

I mean, I don't know.

In Salem Organ,

is gas free?

No.

Not.

No, no.

And, you know,

have you done a comparison between leaving the door closed and the cost of heating versus leaving the door open i i calculate all of our utilities on a quarterly basis and see if the cost went up or down or whatnot and then you're just like add 25 for dog exactly

now logan david said that voltar is an elderly dog he might not have a much longer to live in this this plane of existence why not just wait it out until voltar is dead I don't have a good answer for that, but I would say that I don't think he's as elderly as Dave is making it out to be.

He plays regularly.

He still, you know, acts like

how old is Voltar, David?

11.

Jesse Thorne, do you have a sense from your aunt Gail

the life, the average life expectancy of a husky?

Indefinite.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jesse.

I'm going to look it up.

I believe it's about 15 years.

And, you know, and that's for a dog that's in perfect health, I would imagine.

And with him, he's, you know, he's bigger for his breed.

Have his faces shaved.

Have his faces shaved off.

Yeah.

And,

you know, he has a cough problem.

Do you think there will be another dog in the future of your household, David or Logan?

Take it away.

Yeah, we, we've discussed having, you know, another dog afterwards,

you know, maybe introducing some cats as well.

So yeah, that's definitely, it seems to be in the cards.

But it'll be whatever dog it is, it's going to be Logan's dog, not my dog.

Then it'll be my problem going forward.

Yeah, that's the plan.

Oh, and why is that the plan, David?

Don't you feel like you'll want to or are you going to be so bereft?

I feel like, yeah, the grieving process when I do lose Voltar is going to be a lot.

So I, you know, I don't think I'll have the capacity for another animal for a long time.

So the next dog, you know, will

probably be Logan's dog.

And once it's Logan's responsibility, you won't won't have to hear the constant yap, yap, yap, yap of him complaining about being too hot all the time.

Right.

Yeah.

He would just fall in love with his own dog and then realize that leaving the door open is the right thing to do for the dog and

endure.

Is there anything that Logan does currently that annoys you?

No.

Yeah.

It's not an exciting answer, but no, there's really nothing that Logan does that annoys me now.

Logan, we keep coming back to this obvious solution of a doggy door and we keep veering away from it for some reason.

You had a temporary solution, an insert to the sliding door.

Is there no way to create a doggy door in a wall or another door, for example, that would be a more permanent solution?

Is there another door that leads to the backyard?

There is.

It's in our family room area, which is where our furniture is.

The way the house was built, they converted part of the garage into a living room.

So we have a half garage, not a full garage.

But there is a door to the backyard, but it's blocked off by some furniture.

Because there's a cult of Satanists living on the other side?

No, it just goes straight to the backyard, very similar to the sliding door.

But just

in one of the videos, that so you could move your chair, David, and install a doggy door in that door.

The way we have the living room worked out is really, really cool.

Oh, I've seen photos.

Yeah, it looked so cool.

It was one of the coolest rooms I've ever seen in my life.

That was the old house that you saw.

You didn't see the new house yet.

The new house looks amazing.

The only thing it was missing was a spilled bong.

We have both.

So he has his setup where he's on the couch facing the wall, watching.

You mean Logan or Volta?

Logan.

Okay.

And then I

am on the right of Logan looking at another wall with my projector.

And my computer is hooked up, so we don't bother each other with the sounds and the things of our various shows that we watch, and we'll just watch together.

So, you guys are sitting in the same room watching two different shows?

We sure are.

Or doing that for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you considered at all just moving the thermostat or using a thermostat with a remote temperature sensor?

I haven't thought of that.

No, are we able to move?

It's a nest.

I don't know what a nest is.

There are lots of ways to put the temperature sensor into the bedroom, the one that's getting too hot, rather than putting it

right in the path of the Arctic blast.

That could be a solution.

Jesse's a genius.

What can I say?

I'm really handy around the house.

I mean, I agree that Jesse is a genius.

And I believe that there is probably a technical solution to make sure that the heat doesn't blast when the door is open, but it doesn't change the fact that your door is open.

Right.

David, why am I supposed to support this?

I was really hoping to just grab you with the story of Volt really just wanting to live his

best husky life outside without any interruptions.

And so I'm going to stick with that, that he deserves to be the dog he is, how he wants to be.

And if shutting the door behind him makes him upset, I don't want to do it.

Why is he called Voltar?

I went to a big cat sanctuary in Northern California and saw a

cougar named Voltar and stole the name.

I thought you were saying, and I saw this wonderful dog there.

He was raised by panthers and thought he was a panther named Voltar.

I believe they say, you know, Huskies are part cat, so it makes sense.

Yeah.

But is Voltar the name of a character or something from this?

I don't think so.

He always gets confused with Bolt from

the

movie Bolt.

And I don't know what Voltar is.

Voltar.

Voltar is your licensed full-service technology provider serving business customer needs throughout the state of Arizona.

Lovely.

Voltar is Portuguese for to return.

Oh, that's.

It's also the fictional planet

that the, quote, exposed books, unquote, are published on in the Mission Earth fictional universe.

Okay.

Voltar is also a G.I.

Joe

villain.

Huh.

Voltar.

Oh, I remember.

That's probably where I'm thinking of.

Voltar was a successful mercenary commander that grew too successful for his continued presence to be tolerated by the provisional governments.

Classic story.

That employed him.

He is affiliated with the Iron Grenadiers as Destro's general.

and deputed as a toy in 1988 in the G.I.

Joe universe.

Anyway, Voltar is a cool dog.

Yeah.

All right.

I think I've heard enough in order to make my decision.

I'm honestly, I'm quite torn.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to have to wrestle with my decision Kong and see if I can get the little treat out of it that will be my verdict.

I'll be back in a moment.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

You guys heard of Voltar the Omniscient, a character in the MOBA Awesomenots?

The Awesome Knots?

No.

David, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

I mean, I'm right in the middle.

I don't know how it's going to turn out.

I think whatever, you know, whatever the judge says, I'll agree with, though.

Logan, you think you could win this thing?

Are you sweating it?

No, I think my chances are all right.

I think the judge understands that there is, in addition to, you know, the heat concerns, a security risk.

And I think he's very

much mindful of that.

So I feel like there's a good shot.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular regular Tom Lollum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are taking a quick break from the case.

John, have you ever heard about the life of Kelsey Grammar?

You know, Kelsey Grammar is a person you think you know,

and yet you keep learning new things, is my experience chatting with you about Kelsey Grammar recently.

Why do you ask?

Years ago, I read this oral history of cheers, and there was this whole part that was just about everyone

like Kelsey Grammer would be on set.

He would either be profoundly hungover, like so hungover that he was like underneath his chair.

Yes, he struggled with addiction for a long time.

Yeah, or drunk.

He was an alcoholic.

And

then they like the whole point of this section was no one could believe it, but every time the camera switched to him, he would nail his take perfectly.

Like no matter what, no matter what stage of illness he was in, he would nail his.

And I was like, I got to talk to Kelsey Grammar sometime, find out his story.

Find out that story for sure.

That is only the beginning of the things that Kelsey Grammer has been through in his life and the work that he's done.

And he came on Bullseye.

I talked to him about, he had in his young life a string of tragedies more horrific than you can imagine.

He came and talked to me about Fraser and Cheers and

his acting career and the time when, you know, back in the day when he was mostly a Shakespearean actor before Cheers,

all kinds of things.

It was totally fascinating.

And that conversation is on a very recent episode of Bullseye.

It's a full hour-ish, and I would really recommend people check it out.

There's also a recent episode with the filmmaker Mike Lee, who is my favorite filmmaker in the world, the British realist filmmaker behind

Topsy-Turvy and Secrets and Lies and Naked and all these other films.

He has a new film that he made starring Marianne Jean-Baptiste that is really

revelatory about the human condition, like all of his films.

And he came and talked to it.

He's in his 80s now.

He hates Los Angeles, but he was nice enough to stop by and talk to me.

He's not wrong.

So two really special recent episodes of Bullseye.

If you're not already a subscriber, go check those out.

You can also check them out on YouTube.

We have full video of both of those on the Bullseye YouTube channel.

Jesse, I'll say that as we were traveling around the country, you were telling me a little bit about

some of the surprising things you learned about Kelsey Grammer's life.

And my jaw dropped several times.

So you definitely want to check out this interview in Bullseye.

Mikely is also one of my favorite directors as well.

And I'm very excited excited to see this film because I got

one of the weird experiences of my life.

I got to act opposite Marianne John Baptiste on the TV show Blind Spot.

What an incredible actor she is.

So these are two absolute must listens over at the bullseye.

And you also have the put this on shop, right?

Anything going on over there?

Well, John, for about two years.

My shopkeeper, Brenna, and I have been promising that one day we would get everything that's in our storeroom into the put this on shop sale.

Here we go.

And John, we have achieved it.

There is so much new stuff in the put this on shop.

Things that we have been waiting to list for months, if not years.

We've swept through the corners of our shop, of our storeroom, found everything that's available for sale,

everything from lots of new clothing,

jewelry, knickknacks and home goods,

all kinds of beautiful things from vintage to antique,

from,

you know, from friendly, affordable gift to

fine jewelry, all at putthisonshop.com.

So go check out putthisonshop.com.

I'm really proud of the beautiful stuff we have there.

And a lot of Judge John Hodgman listeners are regular customers.

So thanks to all of you.

I'm always grateful.

If you got to give a gift or you want to get something special for yourself, put thisonshop.com.

Yeah, I'm going to go over there and buy a gift for our friend Jean Gray to celebrate the publication of her her book, In My Remaining Years.

It comes out in March.

If you saw Jean and I and Ursula Carlson on After Midnight last month,

thanks for watching.

Go check it out on the archives.

We had a great time together.

Jean's really special and her book is hilarious.

So I'll just remind you: now is a great time to go to bookshop.org or wherever to pre-order your copy of Jean Gray's In My Remaining Years, a really funny and enlightening memoir.

Check it out.

Let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hoshman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

So, first of all, I want to applaud you both for finding a living arrangement that is so well-suited for both of you.

It's wonderful.

You are having a great time, and you are building equity in a home together.

And I trust that should something happen that you no longer wish to own the home together, you will find a very perfectly amicable way to split it up and move on in your lives because you're both so reasonable.

And the testament to that, honestly, Logan, is the fact that you are not demanding that David move his damn chair and put in a dog door.

Now, that's in part because I think you respect that David needs his own chair and screen to watch while you are sitting in your own chair and watching your own screen.

What an incredible arrangement.

This is the closest we've ever gotten to a couple that sleep in two separate villas

connected by a reflecting pool.

Like true, true mutual respect for for each other's living situation.

Indeed, Logan, you're incredibly tolerant, and maybe even

you know, on some level that even if you were to create a dog door for Voltar, Voltar would reject it because it's not exactly what Voltar wants.

That said, I am not happy, me personally,

with this screen or this sliding door being slid open,

what, 100% of the time?

No,

well,

only percentage.

Excuse me, I'm talking now.

I know that it's been open at 2 o'clock in the morning.

All you need to get Voltar off his guard is just bring some of Logan's socks with you and throw them.

Maybe put a little sleeping pill in them like in the movies.

But truly, like, you're talking to a person who lives in a large apartment building that now has rats in the walls.

Because nature, you know, look, I understand the Pacific Northwest is a paradise.

It never gets too cold, never gets too hot, except for in Logan's bedroom, apparently.

And there aren't bugs coming in, and there isn't wildlife coming in, but there will be.

I don't care about that huge gate.

There will be wildlife coming in.

Something's going to get in.

Mice don't like this at all.

You're going to wake up and find a pile of mouse poop in your drawer.

Not good.

I think this is really not a sustainable situation.

Keep that screen door or that, excuse me, that sliding door open for a period of time.

You know, Voltar, the G.I.

Joe

character, villain, member of Cobra,

has a mascot, has a little pet perched on his action figure shoulder.

You know what it is?

It's a big old condor.

One of the top falconry action figures of all time, it turns out.

Maybe a condor would fly in.

An owl could fly in.

Any kind of bird could fly in.

You ever come home from a trip to Western Massachusetts to realize

you left your kitchen window open?

And then it turns out that for at least a week, a pigeon has been in there living and pooping everywhere?

I've never had that very specific feeling.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know, one should know better than to leave their window open.

But maybe someone like me wanted a little ventilation because I too run hot, David.

I get it.

I love to get that fresh air.

But this is not a sustainable solution.

There will be pigeon poop of some kind or another.

It's going to enter your life, even if a human does not walk into your house.

Or for that matter, another husky.

Maybe someone has a husky in the neighborhood.

Anything could happen.

Having a wide open crack in your envelope of your home, unattended overnight or late into the night, even if it's only sometimes, you're rolling the dice.

I'm just my warning to you.

However, none of these are complaints that Logan has brought.

Logan doesn't seem to care about that door being open.

Logan only cares about his own body temperature.

And that's fair.

If Logan doesn't have a complaint about the risk you are taking by leaving your door open for a while,

then I've got nothing to rule on other than the complaint at hand, which is how do we make the room not hot?

Now, Logan asked specifically in his ideal ruling for David to close the door and open the vents in his room as an experiment in order to see what Logan deals with.

In other words, you want to punish David by making him real hot

at least once.

And I order it.

Sure, why not?

Just one night, just one night of torture for David.

And then I think the next step is for you to investigate, maybe talking to handyman Jesse Thorne some more,

how you can reorganize the thermostat such that it isn't calling for heat all the time.

Because the fact is,

this is a problem that will resolve itself, sadly.

I mean, based on what I've learned in my research, this is the final,

we are approaching the final chapter in Voltar's life.

Soon that great big cosmic condor will come and lift him and take him away to Cobra Heaven or whatever, whatever dogs believe in.

Yeah,

for sure.

And I would very, very much like to order that a doggy door be installed because it seems like the right solution.

And I don't care about where David sits,

but I have close to zero confidence that Voltar will

find that to be an acceptable solution.

I mean, it's just, I mean, talk about rolling the dice.

You know, it seems like you have a one in 36 chance that Voltar will actually go through that door instead of getting annoyed by it or never notice it.

Right.

Right.

I mean, don't you, I just don't think he's going to go for it.

He might.

I'd have to point him to it a couple of times and push him through and it would be a whole thing.

But I mean, he keeps it.

Yeah, but then he'll just never go through it again.

I mean, it's just.

It's just going to be an expense and a reorganization.

And also, if you're thinking about getting cats in the future and you want your cats to be indoor cats, which is what most veterinarians recommend.

Just whatever you choose to do is your business.

But

if you want to eventually secure this house from indoor inside

from cats escaping and/or rodents getting in,

having a big old open doggy door behind your chair, David, is not a solution.

So, really, against every impulse that I have,

I am going to rule in David's favor and allow Voltar to enjoy these

last however many years of his life,

driving you both crazy and

driving you both bananas and also

causing you to spend more money on heating.

But I think you can mitigate that and make

Logan more comfortable by investigating a different arrangement with the thermostat.

And one of the fun things about owning a home is it's a perpetual expensive hobby that you'll have for the rest of your life.

So figure it out.

True, very true.

Until then, this is the sound of a gavel.

Oh,

Judge Sean Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

David, are you excited about this ruling?

I am surprised.

I never thought it would come in my favor, but I'm really glad that

the judge saw the benefit of letting Volt live his happy, husky life outdoors with no,

you know, no barrier to get back inside.

Logan, how do you feel about the verdict?

You look a little stunned.

No, I wouldn't say I'm necessarily stunned.

You know,

I figure that, you know, again,

Dave's going to do what he's going to do.

He's going to, you know, care for Voltar in the ways that he thinks are best.

I do appreciate that, you know, he's going to experience one night of

a sauna bedroom.

It's going to be awful.

Which I feel like might compel him to take more action on addressing the concern.

Well, David Logan, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Yeah, thanks for having us.

It was a pleasure.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books.

Our thanks to Redditor Nick Zorbo for naming this week's episodes.

Another G.I.

Joe bad guy.

Nick Zorbo.

Nick Zorbo.

Join the conversation on our subreddit.

That's reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun.

That's where we ask for future title suggestions as well.

So go and make a suggestion or just check out other people's suggestions.

It's always fun.

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There, always a lively discussion.

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Follow and subscribe in those locations.

In fact,

if you're watching on YouTube,

stay tuned tuned to the very end.

I have a very special after credits story to tell Jesse Thorne, which you can listen to and see.

In the meantime, I want to say thank you to all of you for watching and listening, especially those of you who are members of Maximum Fun.

We do have the Max Fun Drive coming up in a few weeks.

But I also want to say thank you to a username, Jabber71.

Over there on Apple Podcast for the very nice words that they left, as well as a five-star rating.

Jabber71 says,

While I found this a few years late, I have gone back and enjoyed every episode.

Sadly, now that I'm caught up, I have to wait impatiently for each Wednesday's new episode.

While I may not agree with every judgment, okay, Jabber71, sorry, I will say that each and every case has made me consider life's mundane problems in a different way.

I often proselytize by sharing cases with friends and family.

Thank you so much.

Jabber71, I use the case as a discussion starter over a drink or during a road trip.

I thought that said over a drink while on a road trip.

No, that's not a good idea.

Keep those things separate.

Then I encourage them to listen to the show and find out how it was decided.

Thank you, Jabber71.

We really appreciate it when you share episodes with people who you think might enjoy them or use them to start conversations.

If you're listening to us on Apple Podcasts, a great way to share the episode, of course, is to give it a rating and a review, five stars, if you feel we've merited it.

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And it also is really helpful if you leave a comment on Spotify or on YouTube.

Make sure you like, share, and subscribe.

All these things really help new listeners find the show.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode engineered by Mike DiNapoli at the studio in Portland, Oregon.

Our social media manager is Dan Telfer.

Our video producer, Daniel Speer, the podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our producer.

is Jennifer Marmer.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment.

Ardsley Park on the Maximum Fund sub says, my office is rumored to have been occupied by Albert Einstein in the 1930s.

My clients often ask me how it feels to be working where Einstein once did.

Should I tell the truth and bum out my clients?

Or is it better to play along and preserve their sense of wonder?

You know, John.

What?

Somebody I can't remember who once said,

imagination is is more important than knowledge.

Oh, I remembered.

It was my middle school math teacher.

Albert Einstein was your middle school math teacher?

I thought that's what you were quoting.

Yeah, that's a quote from an Albert Einstein poster that was on every middle school math teacher's wall, right?

Yeah, I'm getting some nods from the peanut gallery over there.

Albert Einstein, look, I didn't know him personally.

I didn't work in your office in the 30s.

But it sounds to me like Albert Einstein probably respects the difference between knowability and unknowability because of science.

And if you know for sure that Albert Einstein was not in that office,

then it's fine to say, yeah, that's actually just a myth.

It's not true.

Even if it bums out your clients and

you lose the big sale.

I feel like honesty is still the best policy, but it doesn't sound like you know for sure.

So don't bum people out.

Just say, well, that's something they say about this place.

It would be exciting if it's true.

Just tell the truth.

Generally, just tell the truth.

Unless you're a salesperson, in which case you have to lie all the time anyway.

Jesse, it's cold in Salem, Oregon, and across the northeast as well, but that doesn't mean that spring isn't out there.

Spring is waiting to spring and it's time to start thinking about spring break.

I know I'm thinking about it.

Are you?

What are your spring break disputes?

What about your spring break horror stories?

Tales about going on spring break with someone where it went wrong.

Did you want to go to Cabo?

The rest of your friends chose Daytona Beach.

Are you the friend who wakes up early to claim pool chairs at the resort, but now you want to sleep in for once?

And they don't have to be necessarily spring break related.

Any sort of fun travel dispute will do.

Send them all in to maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

Where, by the way, will you receive all of your disputes, right, Jesse?

Maximumfund.org slash JJHO for any dispute, big or small.

We read them all, maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

It's just a little web form.

Go in there, give us your email address, tell us what your dispute is.

Maybe it'll end up in the New York Times magazine.

Maybe it'll end up in the membo mailbag.

Maybe it will end up here on the show.

Maybe it will end up on social media.

It is the lifeblood of our program.

So go to maximumfun.org/slash JJHO and whatever it is, toss it our way.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you.