Ocean Spray-beus Corpus Live in Philadelphia

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne, and with me is Judge John Hodgman.

This week's episode was recorded live on stage in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Man, did we have a great time at the City Winery?

We really had a great time.

We talked to some lovely Philadelphians about jump scares and local transit.

I was, frankly, horrified to meet a couple of anthropomorphic cranberry sauces named Bob and Barry.

You'll have to listen to this wild episode.

A truly wild episode.

Let's go to the stage at City Winery in Philadelphia.

People of Philadelphia, you asked us for live justice and we're here to deliver it.

The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.

Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Please welcome to the stage Ariel and Joe.

Arielle and Joe have been together since they were in high school.

Arielle is into crafts.

Joe has recently started woodworking.

Arielle, Joe, thank you for joining us here.

Who seeks justice in my courtroom?

I seek justice.

What is the nature of the justice you seek, Arielle?

Well, Joe,

being duplicitous as he is, often likes to play jokes.

Let's not mince words.

Joe likes to play jokes on you.

Often.

I see.

And this joke involved what?

A six-foot-tall animatronic Jack Skellington.

From A Nightmare Before Christmas, directed by Henry Selleck.

Not Tim Burton.

Henry Selleck directed that picture, as well as a little movie called Horror Line.

Thank you very much for giving me a chance to buzz market that film

that I was in.

Judge Hodgeron, you know how you can tell Henry Selleck directed that movie?

No.

Because Jack Skellington is literally just what Henry Selleck looks like.

Very skinny and scary.

Very handsome.

Very handsome also.

Let's take a look.

We have a picture of the Jack Skellington.

There we go.

If you don't know, that's Jack Skellington, also known as Henry Selleck.

And Ariel, you use this to decorate for Halloween and Christmas and so forth.

Yes, both.

Halloween and Christmas.

Right.

How do you use it during Christmas?

Well, when we use him during Christmas, he wears a Santa hat.

Sure,

like so.

Yes.

And I'm working on a Santa suit as we speak to get it ready for Christmas.

Now, I don't even know what your dispute is yet.

Okay.

But I'm going to choose a winner right now.

Awesome.

I hope it's me.

Is Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie?

I think it's both.

If I'm forced to choose.

I am forcing you.

I say Christmas.

Hmm.

And Ariel?

Halloween.

And the answer is?

We'll go ahead and hear the case.

I don't know either.

So, Joe, what did you do with this Jack Skellington?

So, when I was putting him away for the season, I was putting him down in the basement, and I decided to kind of tilt him so that when Ariel came around the corner, all she would see is Jack's head, right about eye level.

Can you give us, I think we have some evidence that's available on our show page.

Okay, there we go.

Let the record show there's a photo of the basement, which is intrinsically creepy creepy without even a skeleton in it.

Jack Skellington is peeking around the corner, and there is a caption here that I presume you put here, Joe, that says, the trap is set.

Yes, Your Honor.

And the trap,

I mean, it was to trap your beloved.

Yes.

Into terror.

Yes, Your Honor.

And how did you get her to go down the stairs to freak out?

She actually went downstairs before I was prepared.

I had hoped to have a camera in the basement to catch her actual view.

Sure.

She went down before I was ready, so I I only had to.

You wanted to have like five different cameras going, different angles and so forth.

Right, so I could submit it to a TV show.

But you did manage to get some footage, correct?

From the top of the stairs, so unfortunately, you can't see Ariel, but you can hear her reaction.

Let's take a look and to listen.

Should we, John?

I need to see that again because I may have missed some of it.

I agree.

And if we could make it much louder, that would be amazing.

Jesus Joseph!

What are the words that you said?

Did you make them out, Jesse?

It was,

Jesus Joseph, Jesus Joseph.

What's amazing is that Joe managed to create a prank, the premise of which was turning his wife into my Irish stepmother when she's mad at me.

Jesus, Mary Noyston Joseph, Jesse,

get your fackin' things together.

Going to feckin' church.

Arielle, are you here because of this prank?

It was so upsetting to you?

So the prank in and of itself was not super upsetting because I'm used to this sort of behavior.

Joe is often pranking me and loves to say things like, when I say, Joe, stop, what is the word?

Stop contradicting everything I say.

And he says, I'm not.

And then I laugh and then he says, you laughed.

I'm off the hook.

So like, this is just our life.

We've been together since I was 14.

I'm 33 now.

So like, I'm used to this by now.

How many times has he terrified you in your long relationship?

Would you say?

Like, are jump scares a part of your love language?

Pretty much, yeah.

The only thing that's off the table is snakes.

He knows that.

I know that.

Rubber, wooden.

Sure.

Doesn't matter.

I completely understand.

You're off the table.

Snakes, please.

Snakes as soon as possible.

Snakes are down there in the grass.

It's going to be a 24-hour snake shop here in Philadelphia, right?

So, what is your dispute?

If you've accepted this torment, what is the dispute?

So the dispute is: a couple months ago, Joe learned how to make this into his ringtone for texts, emails, app alerts, and the like.

How often would you say, Joe, that Arielle has to hear herself scream in an average day?

So it's only when we're at home or around family members.

Lies.

Let the record show that Joseph is lying.

I try to turn it off when we're in public a couple times a day.

I try to turn it off.

Right.

He doesn't.

Because there's just no way to turn off the ringtone on a phone.

I just forget.

It slips my mind.

So, I don't know, 10 times a day?

10 times a day.

And how does it make you feel when you hear that scream?

I'll tell you how it makes me feel.

I'm ready.

Because I didn't know that we were going to be playing the scream.

And while I was trying to prepare backstage a couple of hours ago, they were tech-checking.

I heard it three times.

And I almost ran out of here.

I was so scared each time.

They told me what it was each time.

It's very alarming.

If I was a stranger in public and I heard it, you know what I would think?

I would think I should say, you're not my real mom.

But how do you feel?

Well, it's embarrassing and it's, you know, annoying

because then he, of course, has to tell the story to whoever hears it.

And it's not really my shining moment screaming, Jesus Joseph.

I also play the video.

I don't just tell the story.

Sure.

How long has this been going on?

You travel with a projector.

How long has this been going on?

Probably three years and then a couple, I would say.

But the video was five years ago, but the ringtone is less than a year.

Oh, so that's a more recent addition to your

between

torture of your wife.

My laziness and technical ineptitude, it took that long to figure out how to make a ringtone.

It says here, Arielle, that you'd like Joe.

You just had for 15 years you had Soldier Boy as your ringtone.

Well, now that you've figured it out, Joe, Arielle, it says here, would like an ideal ruling, which is for you to stop using her scream as your ringtone.

Joe, is that correct, Arielle?

Any punitive damages?

I don't think so, Judge.

Have you ever scared him?

I try.

It never works.

I start giggling.

Maybe snakes should be on the table.

I just can't do it.

And put the little note in the snake's mouth.

It says, Judge John Hodgman says hello, Joe.

That's what I, well, look, first of all,

if you are telling me affirmatively and without reservation that this kind of pranking is okay in your marriage and you don't feel humiliated and made fun of.

Generally speaking, yes.

Okay, that's fine.

Therefore, you must get him back.

If that's true, you must get him back.

And I will help you come up with a way to do it.

Snakes or no?

I love it.

In the meantime, Joe, you got to take that thing off your ringtone.

You've had your fun.

But from now on, we got to get a ringtone going for Ariel.

Does it sound of a gavel?

Thank you, Ariel and Joe.

Ah, Swift Justice, please welcome to the stage Danielle and Adam.

Danielle

and Adam.

Danielle and Adam used to work together at a university.

When Danielle left that job, she asked him out, and they just got married last month.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you very much.

You just got married last month and you're already in court.

Oh, this court, yeah.

Yeah, well, it's good enough.

Who seeks justice in this courtroom?

Okay.

And Danielle, what is the nature of the justice that you seek?

So I am a lifelong Philadelphian, and Adam is from the suburbs, but he's been living here for the last 10 years.

I see.

Here in Philly, we have something called the Market-Frankford line, which we call the L.

And then there's another mode of transportation called the Broad Street line that we all call the subway.

Okay.

Adam calls both of these things the subway.

Maybe we don't have to wait for mob justice after all.

Philadelphia is always ready.

And it becomes a problem because both of them are equidistant, maybe like a 10 to 12 minute walk from our house.

So he'll even say, I took the subway to the subway to get home.

I don't even know what that means.

Adam,

you're wrong.

I've heard that before.

I mean,

I don't even need to

ask any other questions.

The audience has told me that you're wrong.

So

why are we even here?

Since you know that you're wrong, right?

Usually.

So yes.

Are you continuing to do it on purpose?

A little bit, but also.

The L is an elevated drive.

Thank you.

The L is elevated.

Partially.

It does go underground.

Briefly.

It briefly goes underground.

It's above ground for two-thirds of the time.

And then for one-third of the time.

It's under.

So it's sort of like a quantum subway.

Yes, exactly.

It exists in both states.

But for the majority of it, it's elevated.

That's why it's called the L, right?

I believe it's because it's shaped like an L.

Adam, you're wrong.

No, I'm not.

Well, no, no, no.

I need to know in what way the train is shaped like an L.

No, the track is.

The track is shaped like a can.

We have only two subways, and also the BSL goes above ground level.

Let the records show that Danielle is clenching her fists in anger when Adam says two subways.

What suburb are you from?

Wait, hold on.

Is the path of the track shaped like an L?

Kind of like this.

Okay.

Kind of like this loser?

I think I'm doing it backwards.

I'm a righty.

What suburb are you from?

I grew up in Ambler, so that's Montgomery County.

Okay, there is a very soft clap

and a very hesitant woo.

I think the Amblerites know what they're in for if they

side with you in this situation.

Yeah, that person wasn't saying woo, they were saying, I don't know him.

I'm glad you left.

No, Adam, I'm sorry, I'm picking on you.

Quite all right.

But, you know, there is a reason to have two different names for these lines.

Well, the subway, I presume, is all the way underground.

Subterranean underground.

Subterranean train.

And therefore, you know,

you you avoid confusing your new bride

when you would differentiate them using the names that everyone else does, right?

So why don't you do that?

Well, I believe she could always ask for clarification of which I'd be on.

How long do you intend to be married?

Hopefully past tonight.

Do you do this to do you Danielle?

Do you think he's just trying to get a a rise out of you?

I used to, but recently it's caused more issues because the Phillies are in season, they're doing very well.

And so he will actually take both of these to get home.

He'll just use the proper terminology.

He'll take the L.

How do you get from...

He'll take the L to get to City Hall and then the subway from City Hall to get to the stadium.

So I'll try to ask where he is, and he'll be like, I'm on the subway.

Subway all the way down.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Why do you think he won't change his ways?

Is this typical of him?

Yeah.

Are there any other things he does where he's doing it wrong, but he sticks to it?

We both like being stubborn.

So somebody telling us that it's the wrong thing, we kind of just dig our heels in a little bit.

But now that it's causing conversation issues, I feel like we should change it.

Does Adam ever scare you with skeletons?

No, not yet.

Well, that's something to be thankful for.

He's just doing, he's doing, he's more of a gaslight horror movie kind of person rather than a, yeah, rather than a jump scare guy.

As a native Philadelphian, do you know where the nearest snake store is?

No.

It's got to be 24 hours.

Forget about it otherwise.

What would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor, Daniel?

I would just want him to use the correct terminology.

Just use the correct terminology.

Adam, why is that so hard to do?

It's not that hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes it's surprising how guys resist doing the simplest thing.

You know, you might not have a podcast.

I'm going to rule in Danielle's favor.

You saw that coming, right, Adam?

I believe so.

All right.

Yes.

You said earlier.

So,

well, only because you're wrong and you have no defense.

So

my hands are kind of tied.

Kind of tied by precedent here.

So the next time you go, when are you going to the Phillies game next?

Possible at the end of September for the last home games.

Oh, wonderful.

And how will you get there?

On the Broad Street line.

Wow, you really threaded that needle.

Is that good enough for you, Danielle?

Yeah, that's great.

All right.

This is the sound of a cattle.

Thank you, Danielle and Adam.

Go Phillies.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfund.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfund.org slash join.

Philadelphia, are you ready for mega justice?

Let's bring out our litigants.

Please welcome to the stage Julia and Christina.

Tonight's case, Ocean Spray Beas Corpus.

Julia brings the case against her friend Christina.

A pair of anthropomorphic cranberry sauces have been living in Julia's freezer for nearly three years.

This cranberry sauce duo are named Bob and Barry.

Julia says it's time to get her freezer back and get rid of Bob and Barry, but Christina wants Bob and Barry to stay frozen in cranberry friendship forever.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Paul Fuller comments, that sounds really good.

Can't believe I didn't think of it.

Been having leftover turkey sandwiches like that forever.

Susan Harris comments, never ate anything that cranberry sauce didn't improve.

I make a crock pot brisket in cranberry sauce.

It's out of this world.

And V.

Shetterly comments, gross.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Julia and Christina, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that my seven-year-old Frankie just texted me, you are Boeing.

Yes.

Yes.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Dale, Jesse, you are not Boeing, and you are funny.

Thank you.

And I love you.

Thank you.

I love you too.

You're a little Boeing sometimes.

I know.

Julia and Christina, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of obscure culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom.

Why don't we start with Julia?

Okay.

Not what I was thinking it was going to be, so I'm going to bring it.

Did you have a prepared guess?

I did.

What is your prepared guess?

You could be correct.

Yeah, definitely correct.

It was

Jelly Jigglers from Boba Bo Ba Bo Ba Bo.

So the guest there was Jelly Jigglers from Boba Bo Ba Bo Ba Bo.

Okay, correct.

I'm going to stick with that.

Jelly Jigglers from Boba Bo Ba Bo Babo.

Not Boeing, but wrong.

Okay.

What about you, Christina?

I didn't have a guest, and

I didn't realize what was my mind.

My name's John.

I know.

What we're doing is a show where you bring a dispute to me, and I hear both sides, and I tell you who's right and who's wrong.

I'm catching on really quickly.

You're doing terrific.

She brought an entirely different bo, ba boba boba bo.

Bo-ba-bum-bo-ba-bum-ba-bum-bo-ba-bum-bum-boom-boom.

Hey, Mr.

Bassman.

Boom, boom.

That's the song that I learned on Shanana.

Anyway, I bought you enough time as I could.

No one knows what I'm talking about.

They think I'm Boeing.

Okay.

Christina.

I'm supposed to give an answer now.

Well, do you have a guess?

Well, I had a guess.

Could I give you a hint?

I would love it.

Could I give you a hint?

These are the comments on a post on a Facebook group where someone proposes making a sandwich that includes cranberry sauce and mystery ingredient.

Some people find it intriguing.

And Shetterling says gross.

Can you at least guess what the mystery ingredient might be?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter.

That'd be gross.

That is a gross guess.

Julia, you seem to have another guess.

Tomato soup.

Tomato

soup soup.

Wait, not the cake thing.

Come on, big money, big money, big money, big money.

Tomato soup jello.

Oh, tomato soup cake.

Tomato soup cake.

That's something we've talked about on the podcast.

Okay, oh, no, not that?

No, not something from the podcast.

I've definitely talked about it on the podcast before.

The other one that you sliced and you put on the sandwich.

Oh, tomato soup salad.

There's a disgusting tomato soup cake and a disgusting tomato soup salad.

Salad.

Which is more of a tomato soup aspic, if you ask me.

That's the one.

And you're saying that that paired with cranberry sauce makes a gross sandwich.

That's true.

But all guesses are wrong.

The answer I was looking for, the mystery ingredient on the cranberry sauce sandwich was scrapple.

Scrapple

with cranberry sauce was suggested on this Facebook page called the Scrapple Trail

Suggested with you have died of dysentery.

Yeah.

It was proposed with a rather disturbing photo by Facebook user Harry Balzac.

Crispy scrapple sandwich with cranberry sauce topping, been eating it this way for over 50 years now.

So we got, look, I love scrapple.

Still haven't managed to choke all of it down, but I think one day I'll do it.

Yeah, just that one sandwich sandwich for 50 years?

Yeah.

I love Scrapple.

I'm neutral on cranberry sauce, so that makes me the perfect judge for this case.

Who seeks justice in this fake courtroom?

I do, judge.

Julia, what is the nature of the justice?

Seek?

Well,

Bob and Barry have been in my freezer for nearly three years.

Okay, stop there.

That could be a very alarming sentence.

Bob and Barry

have been in my freezer for a number of years.

Are there any representatives from the law enforcement community here?

If so, earmuffs.

Who are Bob and Barry?

They're cranberry sauce friends.

Friends of cranberry sauce or friends made of cranberry sauce?

They're friends to each other and they're made of cranberry sauce.

I'm not sure I understand.

Did you want to say something, Christina?

I just want to point out that Julia used the word friend and they're friends to us.

They're friends to each other.

They're friends to Christina at least.

Julia, are you friends with these?

I don't know.

I feel it's complicated.

Let's take a look at them and see how you feel about them.

Bob and Barry.

That's their birthday.

Oh, no.

That's their birthday.

So, what we're looking at here, these images, of course, will be available on our Instagram page, all of our social medias, as well as our show page at maximumfund.org, is

two

unsheathed cans

of cranberry.

At least one is definitely a canned one because they're distinctive canned ridges.

They both are.

Next to something that they're on a plate and now my eye turns to what I thought was a turkey but now I'm concerned

maybe a braised Cthulhu?

Yeah John have you seen have you seen that new alien movie?

I thought Bob and Barry were disturbing on their own.

But they're definitely more disturbing together.

And Bob and Barry, luckily the braised Cthulhu does not have googly eyes on it, but Bob and Barry do.

Who put the googly eyes on Bob and Barry?

It was probably collective.

No, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure it was me.

Yeah, I think you brought them to life in that manner.

I did.

Well, they're friends who says, but.

And when was this?

Which Thanksgiving?

This was Thanksgiving, I presume.

Not really.

A Friendsgiving?

Not really.

It's.

Oh, because it was in January.

No, it's called Second Thanksgiving.

Oh, okay.

This was something invented

by me.

There.

One of my kids, Judah, asked me to hold a second Thanksgiving for

his friends

because he likes my gravy so much.

So we made a second Thanksgiving in January.

And this was how many years ago?

2022.

20, 22 years ago?

No.

2022?

A couple of years ago, Bob and Barry, and you mentioned, Christina, this is their birthday.

This is the first time that they've

hit the scene.

They were born.

And they met each other.

And

where are the eyes from?

These are like little googly eyes stick-on things?

Candies.

We both have them in there.

They're important.

You don't.

I just want to know what they are.

They're edible eyes.

They're edible eyes for candy.

Okay.

And who you stuck the eyes on?

Yes.

Who named them Bob and Barry?

I did.

you did

so uh you like them i did i do i did as passion and i do no i did and i well can i may i say that they're friend

it just sounds gross but it's not their friend juices it all started because they're

okay but look so they came from different cans and they and one was brought by sarah our friend sarah and one I borrowed from Meals on Wheels, which is a story.

And then we put them on the plate and and they're friends.

How did you borrow cranberry sauce?

Because, to my understanding, the same sauce is still in Julia's freezer two years later.

So, you owe meals on wheels a cranberry sauce.

That's fair.

I might.

I could.

All right, well.

Now I do.

Yeah.

And that's okay.

When you say you borrowed it, but it's a long story.

Does that mean it was a heist?

No, it's just that they had extra food and they were encouraging people to take it.

And I knew I was going to Julia's house for Friendsgiving.

Second Thanksgiving.

And so I took a cranberry sauce.

It was

in our office.

You should call it Thanks Again.

Friendsgiving is a holiday that celebrates friendship and families of choice.

Second Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates gravy.

That's right.

Frankly, it's a much more deserving holiday than Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

That's right.

That's also true.

Sorry.

So you're saying you oceans 15ed this cranberry sauce to the second Thanksgiving party, and that's why there were two cranberry sauces at the party.

Okay.

And that it's normal to have edible candy eyes at your house.

And both of you do.

Yes.

And also you're old friends, obviously.

You've known each other for a long time.

Yes.

How long is it?

It's not actually that long, but it feels like really long.

In a really good way.

We need someone else who thinks it's normal to have edible candy eyes.

Would it be fair?

Let me put it in a way you might understand.

Would it be fair to say that your friend juices have mingled?

That's uncomfortable.

You're the one who brought up the term.

Because look, they're swimming in their friend juices.

They're swimming in their friend juices.

We don't even like this.

But at this moment, you two are not swimming in your friend juices because there is a dispute.

That's true.

Bob and Barry were not consumed at this second Thanksgiving.

Not at all.

They were saved in a freezer where they remain today, normally, but now

they're here.

That's right.

In this bag.

That's correct.

Because,

well, let's take a look at them.

Okay.

Julia, will you please remove, may I offer you a hand?

I mean, I only have one hand to offer you, because I have the microphone.

I'll try to hold that down.

I did a really good job.

Nice work.

You brought them an eye mask?

Oh, right.

This was something you were using to chill them down?

Because how long have they been out of the freezer?

Okay, and now you're taking off the tin foil.

And.

Oh, my God.

Or whatever.

They've aged very quickly.

Okay.

May I hold them?

This is where you don't open mummy sarcophaguses.

You know, they say when you peer into the abyss,

you become the friend juices.

This is even more horrifying than that turkey.

I see what I'm seeing.

Do we have a close-up that we can share with the audience?

Oh, no, that was only, that was my second second Thanksgiving.

Okay, wait, so this isn't a current photograph.

This is a past photograph.

That's when we added the crowns.

I added the crown.

That was the camp party.

That was a camp party.

That was a cam friends party.

And then I did add the end-is near sign because I thought it was funny because they were aging so fast.

But I just thought it was funny.

Like when you go to an older person's birthday party and it's like you make a joke of it.

No,

it's like, John.

John.

No, you don't.

John, let's say there are older people.

Yeah.

And they're hungry.

They need food, but they can't leave the house.

Right.

So you take their cranberry sauce.

It's just a little joke.

It's just fun for them.

Yeah.

You steal food from

Wheels.

You're borrowing it.

You take a can of cranberry sauce from Meals on Wheels, and instead you leave a little note for the elderly saying, you're going to die soon.

Happy birthday to you.

Little joke, haha.

Jesse, have you taken a look at these?

Let me give you a a close-up look.

No!

That's right.

Thank you.

You hold that now.

The curse is lifted.

Oh, I hate it.

Why is it covered in...

Is this saturated seeds?

It's gold.

It's gold sugar because I thought it would make them look fancy.

How come

one of them is holding...

And I'm...

I'm going to tell you, it doesn't just look like a generic popsicle.

It looks to me like it's an It's a Kadoozie.

Oh, that would be nice.

To be clear, and you can see this in the photo as well.

One of them is wearing a crown that I can see.

Is that Bob or Barry?

I'll take that off your hands.

That's Bob.

Okay.

Bob, and they're both holding ice pops of some kind.

Because they're sitting in a freezer, right?

Yes,

their ice pops will not melt.

Are they both wearing crowns, or is Bob the king and Barry the subject?

They both have crowns?

No, I don't know.

I don't remember.

But Bob must be the king then.

So this photo, these crowns date back at least a year.

Oh, more than that.

Okay.

So this has been fun for a while, Julia.

It's actually still fun.

Sure.

Well, this is, I think, the dispute, Christina.

Because it sounds to me like, Julia, the fun is over for you.

And the fun is still going for you, Christina, correct?

And they're still in your freezer when they're not here.

What does your freezer look like?

Well, I think there's a photo of it.

Of course there is.

Let's take a look at the photo.

There's Bob and Barry

perched on a rather sizable tub of Rita's water ocean.

Yes.

Do you mean to say that every time you want some water oysters, you have to pick up Bob and Barry?

Absolutely.

And it's in your freezer, and this has been going on for two years, right?

Coming up on three in January, right?

Because we all know the date of second Thanksgiving is January.

That's right.

That's exactly right.

That's the correct date.

How do you feel now when you open the freezer and you see Bob and Berry?

I don't know.

I'm ambivalent.

I don't know.

It's complicated.

I see them.

I'm happy to see them.

But you can see my.

Great.

We're happy to see them.

Close the freezer.

They live there for a while.

Nope.

Nope.

My frozen fruit, you can see, is behind them.

And when I make my smoothie in the morning, I have to lift the bag of the frozen berries over them.

And about one out of every 10 times, I drop the bag on Bob and Barry and it makes me anxious.

I don't want to start my day with that kind of anxiety.

It does look like Bob and Barry have taken a few blows to the head.

Although to be fair they look pretty chill.

Oh I didn't mean to pun.

I just feel that they seem relaxed.

How dare you.

So you are, you have taken Christina to court because you want Bob and Barry to hit the road.

Yeah, I have thoughts.

Have you considered burying them in the ice in Antarctica and convincing the research station that they're a thing?

Like an alien or something?

That's such a good movie.

I know it is.

Do you know what was

widely critically and audience panned at the time?

Audiences and critics hated it.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So

you brought Christina here because you think the fun is coming to an end.

What do you propose be done?

Well, I have two ideas.

One is to boil them.

Go on.

And I thought if we boil them, there could be like a ceremony.

Maybe we have some nice music.

What do you play at a friend boiling

ceremony?

Oh, the record, that's right.

So there was a record

that Sarah brought over the night of the soundtrack of Midsummer.

What?

She brought over a record

by the children's musical artist Barry Lewis Polazar.

Not familiar?

Very obscure.

Very good.

And that's really why one of them is named Barry, and I would play that record.

And my brother thinks he's a banana, I think it's called.

My 100% my presumption would have been zombie by the cranberries.

Yeah.

Makes sense.

Yeah.

I was going to ask why Barry is named Barry.

Now I know.

Why is Bob named Bob?

Because Bob.

We like alliteration.

Sure.

Yeah.

I like alliteration a lot.

I just did it.

Come on.

You did, you did.

Well, that was one idea.

They look chill to me.

I really want.

They just look relaxed.

They're prone.

Christina, you don't want to boil Bob and Barry?

No, I definitely do not want to do that.

What do you want to have happen?

I just, anytime I go to Julia's house, I want to see them in the freezer.

Because it brings me such joy.

And when I come over, I open the freezer and I'm like, oh, oh it's Bob and Mary and I don't know how it'll feel when they're not if they're not there

you have you live in a home I do

I do live in a home you have a refrigerator so this is we have talked about custody and my refrigerator all uh you have a very fancy freezer I rent a small well speaker not but my

small freezer

my freezer is not like this and And I have a younger kid, and there's lots of frozen food in there, like, you know, pizza bites and things.

I'm so like, this, they wouldn't fit in there the same way your freezer is the tall, thin one, fancy fridge.

You got a side, you have a side.

Yeah, yeah, that's so fancy.

That's what, that's what, like,

is your argument that you don't have enough size or Julia's freezer is what Bob and Barry deserve?

Well, but they do.

No, that's, I didn't even think about that, but that's actually what they do deserve.

They deserve a fancy freezer.

They'd be falling over, waffles on their heads.

Olive would be knocking them out of the freezer when he goes to get food.

It would be terrible.

They would be miserable.

They're very happy there.

Julia, how do you respond?

I also agree that they shouldn't go to Christina's house.

I think that,

listen,

I want them to die, but

I don't want them to die like that.

I want them to die with dignity, like getting boiled.

Or I want to...

I have another idea.

I had another idea.

I want to push them off a cliff.

What cliff?

Thelma and Louise style.

Yeah, but just like that.

Okay, sure.

Well,

I don't think that they can drive a Cadillac and hold hands together.

That's right.

They're cranberry sauce.

That's correct.

They are.

And just for the at-home listener, push them off a cliff like that.

Yeah.

That's terrible.

Yeah, if you just push them off a cliff like that.

You have a cliff in mind?

Like that.

Do you have a cliff in mind?

I don't know, the white cliffs of Dover, maybe?

They're famous.

Beachyhead?

Beachyhead?

Is that a place?

In England, you know where the.

You want to take Bob and Barry across the Atlantic Ocean?

The only cliffs.

They're the only cliffs I can think of.

These are, I feel like you're describing what you would do had they served in World War II.

Christina, what did Bob and Barry mean to you?

Let me just ask you a question.

Sure.

Just so that we can set

a baseline.

Okay.

In your feeling, are Bob and Barry alive?

Yes, absolutely, 100%.

All right.

Let me reorient my questioning there.

So your point of view is I don't want to boil them because they are alive.

Not that it would...

represent the end of an ongoing joke that is a lot of fun between you and your friend Julia, but because their feelings will be hurt due to boiling.

It's like a combination.

I can recognize that they're not alive.

Like I'm a smart human.

And also, like,

I feel that I,

it, like, hurts me a little that you called it a joke.

It's not like an ongoing, it is a bit, it's a bit.

Like, we have a lot of.

I don't mean to diminish it.

No, it's.

It's just like it's, I'm not that sad.

I'm not crying.

Um, I am sad in my heart.

I'm not crying.

Well, I haven't ruled on anything yet.

I know, I know.

But I heard an on, and I was like, well, I get, like, I, I just really love them.

I think they're so great.

And I, in my brain, they have like the, in my imagination, vacations.

They like do all sorts of fun.

Like, we don't know what happens when we close.

We don't know what happens when we close the freezer door.

What do they say to each other?

What are they hanging out talking about?

This is the grimmest Pixar movie I've ever imagined.

Honestly, yes.

And like my kiddo and I, like, we talk about Bob and Barry.

Olive made a video for his classmates where Bob and Barry were in the background and all the kids saw it, which was like real cool for him.

And I just like, we have, I don't know, we have a lot of bits, I will say that.

We love that.

Sure, you have some bits.

Like, for example, there's a bit including cat hair.

Oops.

Yes.

Can you explain that, Julia?

I have two cats.

Right.

And they have hair.

Are they in the freezer?

Well, no, but if you looked at at that plate, you might see some cat hair.

Okay, I'm not looking at the plate again.

Thank you.

So I would collect the cat hair, and then I would form the hair into shapes, and then I would take pictures of them, and then using some device, I would bring them to life.

And they would express a device, like a Tesla coil?

Usually just my phone.

Or an orgone boost or something.

Yeah, yeah, all that.

Okay.

No, and they would express how I I was feeling for the day or how I felt Christina might be feeling.

And we would like send them back and forth, and like I would draw faces on them, and like we became like one of one of our things.

I believe that we have an example, a photograph.

Can we take a look?

This is a cat hair creature

calendar.

I love them.

They're great.

Why would you want any of the stuff to go away?

It's so happy.

This is from 2021 with the caption, it's got to be better, right?

Yeah, Christina Gay.

This seems like a very pandemic era project.

This was.

This was a pandemic project, yes.

And obviously you have no shortage of fake eyes to put into

various mounds of refuse.

It's fantastic.

And there's another slide here as well.

Is that right?

What's this?

I believe so.

So that's a different theme.

What are we looking at here?

These are other friends.

Christina Gate.

They're like desk pets, you know, like teacher, I work in education, we both do, and like they're like desk pets, like they're like fidgets.

And I don't know, I gave you one, two, and then and then they melted.

But this is another friend juice case.

Like their friend juices are totally like, you know, and you have a permanent

burn mark in your in your car, which is interesting.

For those who are listening, who haven't had a chance yet to go to the show page to see the photograph,

I can't describe what I'm seeing.

I mean, it's not a daymare.

It looks like a panda and maybe a bunny with two extra ears.

I don't know.

And they're melting on a dashboard.

They look like kind of like peeps, like those candy peeps.

That's a really good comparison.

What are they made of?

Are they a food product as well?

They're fossil fuel.

There's some petroleum product.

Oh, it's like a molding clay or something.

It's like a squishy, like a fidget.

Are they alive, Christina?

No, no, because we didn't make them.

Okay, got it.

They weren't imbued with life by your magical imagination.

I'd argue the hairball pals, they might have life to them, but these guys,

I bought them.

I think I got, oh, God, here.

Okay, like, I borrowed them from

the prize box at work.

We take things from the camped closet of the city.

Officer Jennifer Marmor.

no matter what I rule, will you make sure to pat down Christina before

she leaves?

I'm afraid.

You know, John.

I'm afraid

he's going to bring my dabgles to life or something.

It's like two times you happen to get

here.

John, we don't have to worry about her stealing anything from us.

We're not infirm in any way.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm melting.

I could go at any moment.

And I don't want to look at this picture anymore.

Let's move on to the next.

All right, there we are.

We're back to normal.

So,

all right.

Christina, can this last forever, Bob and Barry?

I don't know about forever.

And you said, as long as you're alive.

Yeah, and that's not forever.

That's not forever.

And so I just.

I want you to live a long, long time.

Sure, and so should they.

And we're like, you know, I

don't.

I mean,

will accept whatever happens, and I won't stop being friends with Julia if we, if you kill them, but I will be really upset.

And like, are you going to invite my kid to that ceremony where you boil them?

I was thinking, yeah.

Julia, you can see that Christina is truly upset.

I mean, she almost fell over into the microphone

in great sorrow.

I mean, doesn't it seem like you're hurting your friend's feelings?

Yes.

How does that feel?

It's not great,

but I also think that she'll be okay.

We'll have something new.

We'll have new friends.

Well, I have no doubt that you'll be able to stick some eyes into something else.

Do you remember how you felt the day you realized Bob and Barry had to die?

Yeah, I was excited.

Really, keep your friendship juices going.

I mean to say that you were into it for a while, right?

Yes.

And then eventually you're like, I'm a little tired of this.

Yeah, I'm just ready to move on or do something different.

You know, and I,

you know, Christina likes things to stay the same, and I like things to change.

And I looked at them and I was like, I want to make a change.

I want to boil them or push them off a cliff.

Rashid.

Is there a third way?

Oh, yeah, they're actually, well,

so boiling, yes.

but then what I thought would be interesting is if we made little bob and berry molds and poured the boiled juice into them and freeze them and give them out to friends.

Wait a minute.

You're talking about

getting new Bob and Berry molds, which we might also call cans,

boiling old bob and berry, filling up the cans.

refreezing, and then handing out

to poison people that you know in your neighborhood.

Oh, just for other people's freezers.

I'm going to say this: I think I've heard enough in order to make my decision.

But before I descend into my chambers, there is one ruling that I'm going to tell you right now: do not eat.

I don't know what's okay or not okay with regard to two years frozen,

uncovered cranberry sauce that's been contaminated with glitter and crowns.

But do not eat, remelt, and a reserve.

It's either freezer or death.

I'll be back in a moment with my judgment.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Julia, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

I was feeling better before.

I think Christina really, really made a great case.

I mean, Christina is so heartfelt, and I love Christina, and it does hurt me a little bit.

And I think that, yeah, I think that

she sort of melted melted his heart too.

Christina, how are you feeling?

I don't know.

And, you know,

I feel better having talked about it.

It was really shocking when Julia shared that this was a thought she had because I thought I didn't even think about it.

Like, and also I can acknowledge they're not in my freezer.

But I felt really sad and taken aback by that suggestion.

But it feels good to have talked about it.

I still don't don't feel like I want to see them boiled or pushed off a cliff.

And I would like them to be out at the next

second Thanksgiving.

But

I'll still be your friend.

Thanks.

You two are educators.

Can I ask you a science question?

Do you think if you could extract DNA from Bob and Barry, we could grow a real woolly mammoth?

I

try.

Yeah, I think they would serve science well, actually.

Right.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this.

Hi, I'm Alexis.

I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019.

Thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of our show.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

Yeah, right?

As the Max Fun member of the month.

Can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

I used to work at a library so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelved all the books.

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Yeah.

It feels good to be part of that.

As the member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also, if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the Max Fun HQ just for you.

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I'm actually going to LA in September, so I'll get to use the parking.

Yes.

Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

This has been an absolute blast.

Yeah, of course.

I've been so glad to be able to talk to you too, and I'm so excited to be a member of the month.

Yay!

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Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euro Evangelists, for a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the offseason?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

Mm-hmm.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

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Check out Euro Evangelists, available everywhere you get podcasts.

And you could be a Euro Evangelist too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

Jesse, I'm so happy we are revisiting this show in Philadelphia.

We had such a great time.

And as you go into the next act, listen closely.

You might hear my Aunt Beth laughing and my Aunt Jane and my uncle Joe.

I'd love it when your aunts come backstage.

They have a lot of fun.

We all had a lot of fun together.

And I'm excited to be getting back out on the road to have more fun.

As you know, or perhaps you're learning just now, we're going to Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco for San Francisco Sketch Fest starting on January 29th.

Now, we have a show in Los Angeles, but it's straight up sold out.

And I think these other shows are going to go quick too.

Why not make a Bay Area weekend trip to come see us at Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco on Groundhog Day?

That's 2-2-2025 at the Sketchfest or buy tickets for any of our shows on the West Coast at maximumfun.org slash events.

That's maximumfund.org slash events.

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Don't self-censor, just send them in.

If you think it might be something, send it in.

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That's what Jennifer does all day.

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She's shaping it up.

Maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho is where you should go to submit your cases.

And hey, this last leg of the tour is also the end of our fundraiser for Al Otro Lado.

So please join join us in supporting Alotro Lado by going to alotrolado.org slash let's do something and support direct services for migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border.

I mean,

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In fact, those things are already happening.

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That's exactly what Al Otro Lado does on the ground in the places where those folks are.

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Get Lee to alultralado.org/slash let's do something.

Okay, let's get back to the stage.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

You may be seated.

There is something that Edgar Allan Poe calls the imp of the perverse.

That feeling when you are standing above a precipice or a cliff,

there is that feeling that comes over you, like, I'm just gonna jump off.

I'm gonna do something totally irrational and destructive.

And you have to almost wrestle yourself mentally, if not physically, back from that edge of contemplation.

There is some frozen or quickly thawing cranberry sauce here, and I've got a big hammer.

And it occurred to me.

It occurred to me that

since I have, Imp of the perversely, fallen from the great height of semi-professional occasional television personality dumb, down through the chasm of regional main humorist, why not become a Gallagher-style prop comic

here in Philadelphia and just get this over with?

But honestly, I'm moved by the connection that Christina feels with Bob and Barry.

I'm moved too by the connection that you feel to each other.

But what I began to appreciate is that

Bob and Barry are a linked bit between you,

and yet also Christina feels a true affection for them independently.

And therefore, I don't have the heart to smash them or push them off a cliff.

I think that they should get boiled someday

because that is what they deserve.

A true, ultimate mingling of the friend juices.

That's really beautiful.

It is.

And I believe that Bailiff Jesse Thorne had a stroke of true genius suggesting that the song that should be played is Zombie or another of the great songs of the Cranberries.

That would be truly epic moment of observation.

All things

do end.

And the question is, when will it happen?

Now, we are recording this in November on the eve of First Dumb Thanksgiving.

I think Bob and Barry should make an appearance at next second Thanksgiving.

At that time, you have now weeks to consider, Christina, whether you are ready to let them go in a symbolic and wonderful gesture, or whether you're not ready to let them go.

And if you're not ready to let them go, then I order you to hold on to them.

That is to say, you hold on to them.

Because I don't want it on top of that water ice in Julia's freezer anymore.

It's not fair.

You have to find space in your freezer or get a dedicated Bob and Barry freezer.

That was actually my kid's idea to get a dedicated freezer.

The kids are usually correct.

They are.

And then every now and then,

you can take them out of the freezer, read a sequence of random words to them, awake them up like a winter soldier, and then they can kill your enemies.

But if you're not ready to let them go at Second Thanksgiving 2025, then you have to take care of them until you're ready to let them go.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgen rules that in.

Julia and Christina, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you to Reddit user Dentsvirus1692 for naming the case in this episode.

That's a good name.

Make sure to follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohn Hodgman.

We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohnHodgman Pod.

You can come see us on tour on the West Coast.

Do not miss it.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne.

This episode was recorded by Matthew Barnhart.

Natty Lopez is our social media manager.

A.J.

McKeon is our podcast editor.

Daniel Speer is our video editor.

And our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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