New Year, New Systems

Hey, it's Jesse.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has reached out to us about the fires here in Los Angeles.

And I also wanted to reassure everyone that Jennifer and Daniel and I are entirely safe.

None of us have evacuated.

Everyone else at Max Fun is also safe.

We have had some evacuations and challenges, but everybody is doing okay considering the circumstances.

If you want to give some money to support the recovery efforts, one good place to give is the California Community Foundation.

They're at CalFund.org, and they not only will be directly funding both emergency response and recovery efforts, but also fund local foundations for local recovery efforts.

Great foundation.

That's calfund.org.

We also have a very beloved former colleague, Ibarian X.

Perello, who lost his home in the Eaton Canyon fire.

And so we're going to put a link to a GoFundMe for Ibadian X and his wife, Cynthia, in the show notes.

Okay.

Enjoy the show.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne, and in the winter wonderland of Brooklyn, New York City is my friend, Judge John Hodgman.

Why, it's true, Jesse.

We're here in the new year, and it is snowing real snowflakes, not the fake stuff.

You know, let me tell you something.

You want to know some behind-the-scenes Hollywood

trickery?

Yeah, sure.

I'd love to hear about behind-the-scenes Hollywood trickery.

If you want to make fake snow on the ground,

you know what you do?

If you want to make fake slush on the ground, I learned this when we were filming the Hulu musical comedy up here, romantic musical comedy, romantic musical rom-com.

Anyway, it was created by our friends Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez, listeners to the show and wonderful geniuses and people.

And we were filming at night, and it was supposed to be during the winter, but we were filming during the summer.

What do you do, Jesse?

Well, you get a Superman to fly backwards around the earth until it changes the season or something.

Or take cotton batting, good old-fashioned cotton, put it on the ground, and then make it wet.

And it looks just like slush.

Wow.

It's also disgusting.

Ruins the whole neighborhood.

I think they cleaned it up after.

When our friend Rachel Bloom, creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Yeah.

Incredible talent.

Brilliant.

Wonderful lady, too.

When she was shooting Crazy Ex-Girlfriend outside of our office building one day, she was kind enough to allow me and my daughter to come visit the set.

And we had a great time.

And they were shooting.

a song, a musical number about the Santa Ana wins in Southern California.

Sure.

So they had a guy from, what's that musical?

Jersey Boys about the four seasons.

They had a guy who had been in

the Broadway production of Jersey Boys

performing as the Santa Ana Winds.

And he was completely surrounded by crumpled up newspaper.

I'm talking about a full city block of crumpled up newspaper

and more enormous fans than you have ever seen in your life.

Well, I don't know, Jesse.

I've been to some live Judge John Hodgman shows.

Yeah, well, we got to let my glowing locks fly.

I just mean to say we have some incredible fans.

That's all.

Okay, I got it.

Well, I'll tell you this, John.

When you're in a real winter wonderland,

the lovely thing to do is hole up in your cozy studio and clear the docket.

Oh, you're moving on.

I don't know.

Yeah, sure.

We'd already covered Hollywood Magic.

I said that I wasn't going to mess with the camera, but since we're on YouTube now at Judge John Hodgman Pod on YouTube, I'm going to turn the camera around so you can see the magic.

I'm really excited about this.

All right.

I hope this works.

Watch me fall over, knock the camera down.

All right, I'm taking off my headphones.

He's taking off his headphones.

Jennifer, we can talk any sh ⁇ we want to.

Jennifer's catchphrase is back.

I didn't know what else to say.

That was a perfect use of your catchphrase.

You know, I used cotton batting once to make

a large container of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

I used the cotton batting as ice cream.

Okay, are you ready?

Here we go.

Winter Wonderland.

Wow.

It's beautiful out there in Brooklyn.

Look at that lovely dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, you old building alone.

It's actively snowing, beautifully snowing there in Brooklyn, New York City.

But we are here now to clear a docket, correct?

We do indeed have a docket to clear, clear, John.

And as I alluded, this is our first recording of 2025.

We are back in studio after a short holiday break.

Thanks for joining us for our holiday special.

And we're ready to take on the new year.

Over the years, we've had a lot of weird dads and husbands and other partners parade through our courtroom, displaying their very special and eccentric systems, new complicated systems for doing the dishes, maximizing solar power, and keeping a never-ending stock of gelato in the freezer.

I think that that was a weird wife, actually, more than a weird husband.

In any case, though calendars are arbitrary inventions, of course, with the longest night of the year behind us, the new year is as good a time as any to abandon old systems and try some new ones.

Jesse, do you have any new year's resolutions, any systems of habit or thought that aren't working for you anymore that you're going to change up?

I want to get a vibe together like a guy that knows karate.

You want to get a vibe together like a guy that knows karate.

I just don't think I'm going to have time to learn karate, but but you know how a guy that's really good at karate,

they have a kind of stillness to them, but also a perpetual sense that they could kick your rear.

And also that maybe they kind of want to, but they're not going to unless they need to, but you could tell that they would enjoy it if it came to it.

You got that, you want that karate look.

The vibe.

I want the vibe.

I want to project that into the world.

Like a, look, I think you can do that.

We've discussed on this program, guardian angels all guardian angels in their little berets on the back of the bus yeah

whether or not they knew karate they had karate vibes that's true i think that you i think that you move through life with a lot of grace and elegance the elegance of a capybara honestly thank you

A lot of people ask me, is Jesse Thorne just a capybara who's in a skin suit who's standing on his hind legs?

And I'm like, I haven't checked lately, but I think he's human.

I mean, my teeth have never stopped growing.

But you have that,

yeah, you have that sense of inner peace and calm that I know you don't feel, but you project it anyway.

I have a system that did not work for me all last year because I made a New Year's resolution to read more books and watch more movies and read less internet.

And I did those things, I'm glad to say.

I read Middle March.

I even read another book.

I can't think of what it was now, but anyway, read a couple couple of other books.

And I watched a lot of great movies and everything else.

And I read less internet.

But the thing was, I was very, once you make those resolutions,

if you're like me, you can be very punitive, self-punitive, I should say.

And every time you reach for the wrong thing, you reach for your phone or whatever, it's like you're mad at yourself.

And this made for a miserable existence.

I couldn't even enjoy these movies or these books.

And I have a new system that I'm working on this year, which is instead of thinking at every turn, am I doing the right thing?

I'm I'm probably doing the wrong thing.

I'm probably making the wrong decision for how to spend this moment on earth that I will never get back in my life.

Instead, I'm just going to decide any whatever I choose to do.

It's like, this is probably the right thing to do because I'm making the decision.

I'm just going to say to myself, Yeah, you're doing the right thing today.

And the best thing to do is record a podcast with a friend.

I'll tell you this: the sincere answer to your question is:

upon the turn of the election,

I decided to myself that my default

internet button to press,

which was the newspaper.

Right.

I shan't say which, but I shall say they've done a lot more both sides of gender-affirming care for children than I'd like.

I think I know the one you're speaking of.

Yeah, I had been, I had been pressing that button out of habit.

And I thought, this is not making me me a better citizen in any notable way.

And it is making me more agitated and upset when I do it.

And so I have not looked at the newspaper since then, since the election.

I have not looked at the newspaper.

A couple of times I have accidentally typed it into the URL bar out of habit.

Sure.

Muscle memory.

But each of those times I have hastily navigated away.

Yeah, I made a similar decision.

I realized that my reading the news and getting angry and upset over it was not affecting the news in any way.

And therefore, there was no, I have no obligation to feel that way.

Can I tell you something that is affecting the news in a positive way?

Oh, yes, please.

So

a few weeks ago on the show, I shared that my family, my wife and I, had issued a $25,000 challenge to listeners of Judge Sean Hodgman and Jordan Jesse Go and folks who followed us on social media to raise money for an organization called Al Otro Lado, which means the other side in Spanish.

They do direct services for migrants on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border.

Yes.

And I had told the Al Otrolado people, look, I'll get you my $25,000.

I have no idea.

I have no idea what's going to happen with this.

Please do not raise your hopes.

Yeah, your challenge was we're committed, you and Teresa are are committed to donating 25K to this incredible organization.

And the challenge was to the listeners

that could you match it.

In other words, if the listeners gave 25K, you and Teresa would match it.

That was your commitment.

And

I don't know, Jesse, I haven't been checking in.

Have you been getting close to that rather ambitious goal?

Let me tell you a story, John.

I love a story.

Four or five days after that episode came out,

we were at like $24,000.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm sitting there refreshing this feed thinking, well, what's going to happen when we hit $25,000?

That's the totality of our match.

Will people keep giving?

What's going to, how can we keep the ball rolling?

In other words, yes.

I get a text message from a friend to a friend.

This friend of a friend wishes to remain anonymous.

F and of F.

F of an F.

This person says, my family was inspired by your listeners and your generosity.

We would like to provide a second $25,000 match.

Whoa.

I said, holy mackerel.

They said from 25 to 50, that's us.

We'll match it.

We passed 25.

It's literally five or six days later.

We're about to hit 50.

And I'm having the same thoughts.

I'm thinking, this is unbelievable.

How could we keep this ball rolling?

How could this work?

Like, I don't know any actual rich people.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's usually who does this.

I get a message from a Judge John Hodgman listener who I do not know.

Okay.

They say our family foundation has been inspired by the generosity of you and the listeners and that second match.

We'd like to provide a third $25,000 match.

I say, are you for real?

They say, yes.

I check.

They are.

Right.

I connect them with Alotrolato.

We update the website at allotrolato.org slash let's do something.

Third $25,000.

So up to $75,000.

Okay.

Can I just tell you, as we sit here in the new year, I am typing the website into my phone and I am going to tell you we currently sit at $89,206.

Whoa.

Plus $75,000 in matching.

So that is $165-ish thousand dollars for a lot of it is absolutely mind-bending and will make

a very, unlike looking at that newspaper

and getting upset, will make a huge impact in the actual lives of actual human beings.

One of the,

I love to read the little comments that people leave when they make their donation.

I love that.

A lot of people have been making recurring donations too.

Yeah.

They go first, first.

Yeah, exactly.

But

somebody posted, you know, last year, two years ago, my uncle went and spent a couple of weeks at the border volunteering with Alo Trolado, uncle, presumably an attorney.

They have a lot of attorney volunteers that go down there and work with them.

They said he came back and all he could talk about was how effective they are.

Yeah.

I was like, yes, that's what we're talking about.

We're talking about actually doing stuff.

So anyway, thanks, Judge Sean Hodgman, listeners.

Unbelievable.

Thank you, Judge Sean Hodgman, listeners.

And that really is the message.

I was not advocating for complacency, either in your personal goals or your goals and values for the world.

I just mean to say there's no point in making yourself upset.

The world is organized to make you upset.

There are people who want you to be upset.

You should take care of yourself and you should take direct care of others in any way you possibly can.

And this is an incredible way to do it.

Al Otrolado.

If people want to continue to keep this ball rolling, where do they go for this, Jesse?

Alotrolado.org/slash let's do something.

And we'll put the link in the show description in your podcast app as well.

Headline, though, from that story, I have to say for me, is that we have a Judge John Hodgman listener who has a family foundation.

Yeah.

It's very exciting.

Totally thrilling.

Bring us to your island.

We'd like to visit.

I also have a news resolution, which is to periodically get the cold that I got on Friday so that my voice sounds like this all the time.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't had a deep, mellifluous voice like this for a long time.

And this voice wants to dispense some justice.

And today's docket is all about systems.

We're going to rule whether or not these litigants and their systems are right or wrong, which systems will thrive in 25 and which will get

the knife in 25.

Wrongs with Thrive.

The knife.

Knive.

Get the knife.

Jesse, let's clear this docket.

Okay, here's a case from Emily in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Anytime my husband Frank hears about a book he's interested in reading, he immediately jumps on major website, name redacted, and buys it.

Putting aside the many problems I have with that website, Frank's book buying system drives me bananas because

I am a librarian.

Wow.

Just like all JJ Ho listeners.

It's true.

Some are graphic designers.

That's what Emily wrote.

That's not a snarky comment that we put in.

That's what Emily wrote.

If he's interested in a book, I can bring it home from work that day.

I want him to at least check in with me about any book before he buys it.

Judge Hodgman, what do you think about Frank's book buying system?

Time for him to ditch it?

Hmm.

Jennifer Marmer, you're here too, right?

Producer Jennifer, Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Any New Year's resolutions?

Yeah.

Basically, I want to become a morning person and I want to be a person who enjoys cleaning.

So basically, I want to be a brand new person and I think I can do it.

Resolving is going to be the thing that makes that happen, Jen.

Here's what I say.

You're perfect the way you are.

Let yourself off the the hook sleep in and live in squalor that's my advice for you except when we have a morning record

yeah my son will just be late for school all good well you know anyway there are things that you have to do but of course yes well i made a resolution not long ago to wake up with my wife who's a whole human being in her own right and walk out the door with her when she goes to teach school high school um i don't go to that high school that would be weird uh what if I enrolled as a high school student?

Back to school Rodney Dangerfield style.

I love it.

I mean, you're a great diver.

That's true.

That's the quad of back to school.

I hope those students give you some respect.

I know.

Well, I don't get any is the thing.

I go to the coffee shop and I do a little work.

And it actually has really, you know, really helped.

I don't do it every day, but I've noticed that if I just

sit up in bed, the next thing that happens is my feet are on the floor.

And the next thing that happens is I'm going.

Getting started is the 99% of the battle.

Anyway,

what about reading books?

Now, we're talking about, I read a bunch of books and I like them, but I don't read physical media anymore because my eyes are messed up.

How do you, what's your system for reading/slash borrowing/slash buying books, Jesse Thorne?

Do you have a hierarchy of what you do and when you do it?

John, I'm a public radio host.

So

if there is any system that I need to develop, it is a system to get rid of books.

The number of books that appear in my life unbidden is limitless.

Right.

So I generally,

you'll find me leaving a lot of books at the little library outside of the art gallery by my house.

Yeah.

But

when I want a book,

I do usually buy it.

I'm not, I'm not by no means am I anti-library,

but

I like to buy books when I want them because

that way I am supporting the authors of those books.

Jennifer Marmer,

how do you like to read a book when you have time to read one?

Well, lately, you know, in the spirit of not looking at

apps that, you know, bring you news and make you angry and or make me angry.

I started last year

revisiting the Libby app, but on my phone.

The Libby app is the library app in the United States.

Maybe in other countries, I'm not sure.

But you can connect your local library card to this app and then you can borrow from the library.

E-books, obviously.

And audio books.

And audio books.

And audiobooks.

Oh, we said it in stereo.

Some of them are in stereo.

Yes.

So, you know, I've been, I have read a lot more in the latter half of 2014 than, or 2014.

Oh my gosh, 2024.

2024.

2024 than I had in a long time.

And that system was working great for me, especially because, you know, when I'm doing bedtime with my young kids,

often they

are not quite asleep.

They don't want me to leave, but I don't have to do anything.

I'm just sitting there.

And that used to be, you know, crossword time or look at internet and get stressed out time.

And now it's just my reading time, which I really have enjoyed.

And I've gotten through a lot of books on my to read list that way.

That's wonderful.

Yeah.

I do buy books, you know, occasionally.

And,

you know, that's fun for me.

But mostly right now I'm doing some library books.

I will say that, yes, in enjoying culture that

has a beginning, middle, and end

that wasn't dashed off in a fit of rage, but it was actually considered and made by a talented person in no matter what format that is.

It's really, really meditative and lovely.

And I will also say, I just happened to notice I have Libby on my phone, which I use, and I didn't think about this until this moment because I forgot they had audiobooks until we said it in stereo.

But at least at my connected library in Maine,

you can borrow the audio books for the areas of my expertise, more information than you require, and that is all.

The areas of my expertise, that's a seven-hour listening experience.

I never thought of it that way.

And then, more information you require, 13 hours.

I do like to buy books when I can.

If you have the means, it is a great way to support authors, obviously, because they get a royalty on every sale, which is important to authors, speaking as one.

And it is also the way to support a bookstore.

But

I don't buy books from major website name redacted anymore, nor do I buy e-books from that website because

I am not supporting my local bookstore when I do that.

And so I feel that

reading books is very personal.

It is a chance to be essentially by yourself with the brain of another person and entering a world that perhaps is a little bit more consoling than this one.

And

however, you intimately engage with the book, whether you read better on a screen or whether on paper or whatever, you have a chance every time you read a book to do something good.

And whether that is supporting your local library or supporting your local bookstore or supporting an author by buying a book if you have the means, that's all very, very good feelings.

But running out and buying from a major website name redacted,

no offense, like

I'll still buy Japanese Kit Kats from that company because that's where you got to go.

But for books, I'm much more likely to support Books or Magic if I'm going to buy, and I'm much more likely to go to the Blue Hill Public Library and and borrow a book there, or the Friend Memorial Library, or the Park Slope Brooklyn Public Library here in Brooklyn, New York.

It's a wonderful way to engage with your community, to go physically into your librarian and meet your librarian.

And maybe say hi to your wife if you live in, oh, Ann Arbor, Michigan.

She's a librarian.

Maybe we met her at our show.

We did.

Oh, oh, hi, Emily.

Sorry, whoops.

No.

I mean, boy, oh, boy, what a delight it was to go into that particular library even.

Like we did.

So if you don't remember, we went to Ann Arbor on the, on the generous auspices of the Ann Arbor Public Library, and we did a live judge John Hodgman there.

It was one of the highlights of the tour.

And we got to do the show right there in the library.

And I got to browse the stacks.

We did the whole show right in front of their incredibly capacious and complete graphic novel collection.

And it was a lot of fun.

And,

you know, frankly,

speaking of frankly, I wouldn't know why Frank wouldn't go to to the library to see his lovely wife and borrow a book there, for heaven's sake.

I'll tell you what, Frank, if you don't get out to the library, I'm going to go back to Ann Arbor, go back to that library, and I'm going to marry your wife.

Sorry, buddy.

I'll tell you this:

as much as I'm a big buy the book to support the author guy,

as the husband of an author, my wife's book, Teresa Thorne, It Feels Good to Be Yourself in Bookstores Now, Buy It for a Child in Your life.

And as an author, to be my own self,

I will say library sales are absolutely essential to the success of books.

So

if there's a book that you would like to check out and it's not available at your library, be sure to mention it to your librarian.

They will use that as justification to purchase a copy or purchase another copy.

They'll be thrilled that somebody wants a book.

So do ask for a book.

That actually makes a big impact for authors as well.

I know that to be true because I have been on the wait list, on the hold list in Libby for a very popular novel that came out last year by Miranda July.

Oh,

that's one of the

books I read.

Just dropped a copy of that off at the little library.

Maybe it's still there.

I'll go take a look.

It's okay.

I'm very,

we might as well say the book is all for Miranda July.

It's a terrific novel.

One of the novels I read this year.

I've been on that wait list since October.

And I, you know, every now and then check on it, see where I'm at.

There's a lot of people waiting for the e-book.

And my library, the LA Public Library, has acquired 59 more copies since

I placed my hold because it's so popular.

You know, and not every book is an all-four situation, but, you know, even just putting yourself on those hold lists, it lets the library know, you know, buy more of this.

Check out more.

Check out that.

That's a wonderful book.

And check out Miranda July talking about it on Bullseye if you're interested in that book.

She is

one cool lady.

I love a great artist who is so able to write about big feelings and the central issues and themes of our life, who also just has a bunch of stuff in her book that's so funny, you have to read it out loud to your partner after you read it.

Miranda July is so funny.

Very underrated part of Miranda July.

So funny.

It's unfair that she's so funny because she's so talented in every other way.

Exactly.

Hey, Emily in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Thanks again for having us out to the library.

Maybe you can get a copy of All Fours over to Jennifer Marmor.

If, you know,

if Frank isn't abusing your

kind offer to skip the line at the library, maybe you could help out Jennifer Marmor with a copy of All Fours.

Yeah,

what we really learned here is that librarians are skipping the line for their partners.

Yeah, what a scandal.

What a scandal.

We're breaking the scandals here on Judge John Hodgman.

Okay, here's something from Shelby in Frederick, Maryland.

What is the correct way to say and spell the word aluminum?

My husband, Kyle, insists that aluminium is correct.

I know that's how they say it in the U.K., but Kyle and I have lived in the U.S.

our entire lives.

I say it's pretentious to ask for the aluminium foil.

He says the rest of the whole world says it that that way.

Please tell him I don't care about the whole world because he is wrong.

Cheers to your system, Kyle.

Well, according to our friends Emily Brewster and the gang over at Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, they had a whole article about this, which you can find, about

aluminum versus aluminium.

And here's what I learned.

The substance aluminum is the most abundant of all the metallic elements in the Earth's crust,

but it is, it doesn't exist on its own in nature.

It's like gunked up with other rocks.

Do you think that aluminum manifested abundance this year?

I think so.

I think that's probably right.

And

it was described

in its pure metallic state by a dude named Sir Humphry Davy in 1790, who didn't even say aluminum.

He called it

aluminum.

And then someone added an N, and then someone added an I as as well.

I think that the earliest version is aluminum.

Aluminium became common almost immediately after because it sounded to certain European and other ears a little bit more

similar to sodium and potassium and other words that sounded that way.

And it sounded a little bit better and more coherent that way.

Scienceier.

A little scienceier, but it is completely, I mean, as Kyle points out, the rest of the world mostly does say aluminium, but we say aluminum.

My question is to you, Jesse.

If you're going to make a whale tank

in San Francisco in order to transport some whales to the future, what's the best material to use?

You're going to need transparent aluminum for that.

Transparent aluminum.

Hello, computer.

Yes.

That's a Star Trek search for spock reference.

No, Star Trek the void

home.

I apologize.

San Francisco.

I was born there.

Yes.

As far as I'm concerned,

if Scotty

says transparent aluminum and he's from Scotland,

then I think that Kyle should go ahead and say aluminum just like everyone else in the United States and North America.

I don't know.

He's probably at pubs at 5 a.m.

watching the Premier League.

He's one of these guys.

Oh, he's like an early morning football watcher

at the pub.

It's a little pretentious, I think.

Even in Frederick, Maryland.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Aluminum, it is.

Sorry about that, Kyle.

Let's take a quick break and hear from this week's partners.

We'll be back in just a moment with more cases from the docket to clear on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Does he also say ta for thank you?

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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Oh, that was a murderous row.

Of course I watched that.

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That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash jjho free shipping, 365-day returns, quince.com slash j-j-h-o.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

John, have you been eating off your made-in

plates and bowls lately?

Are you talking about my world-famous entree bowls?

Yeah, I'm talking about entree bowls, but you know what?

It's okay to put a more voluminous

appetizer into those bowls.

I'm going to tell you what.

I've got made in regular plates.

I've got made-in salad plates.

I've got made-in regular bowls.

And then I got these entree bowls.

And you know, I got the entree bowls.

I specifically asked for them for the holidays, for my wife who's a whole human being in her own right because

our children grew up and moved away.

And that means all we do is.

eat dinner in front of the television.

And if you're sitting on a couch, there's no better way to eat your meal than out of an entree bowl.

It's like a big dinner plate, but it's curved on the sides, so you have some protection.

It's the ultimate eating festival, particularly in soup season.

And for all of that, it also looks really good.

Like all the made-in cookware, tableware, glassware.

It's made to look good and it's made to work good for both the pros, like Tom Calico and Brooke Williamson, and all the other professional chefs who use it in their professional kitchens, and for home cooks like me, like Jesse, like Jennifer, and all of you.

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For full details, visit madeincookware.com.

That's m-a-d-e-i-nclickware.com.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are clearing the docket this week, and all of our cases involve systems.

Here's a case from Glenn in Portland, Oregon.

I live with my partner Arwen and our two teenagers.

My family has a history of using and breaking things I care about.

For example, I have a favorite mug.

It's medium blue with white line-drawn illustrations of cephalopods on the outside.

Really, Judge John Hodgman listener?

This just isn't adding up.

I keep it on a high shelf so that I'm the only one who can use it.

Yes.

Yes.

Arwen found it up there.

She doesn't understand why I was hiding it from everyone else.

Now everyone uses it, but I want to keep it safe.

Is my system good, weird, or bad, weird?

And Glenn sent in a picture of the cephalopodic mug.

In the photo of his mug, the cat is in focus.

His

Vincent Price action figure is in focus.

His bucket hat is in focus, but the mug, which is what we're supposed to be seeing here, is not in focus.

For whatever reason, Glenn decided to share all of the other Judge John Hodgman obsessions, cats and Vincent Price and so forth.

And the mug just sort of

fell into the foreground in blurry foreground.

But it looks like a pretty good mug.

Jesse, Jennifer, do you have any items that you hide from your family?

I thought about hiding mugs from my colleagues at Max Fund.

Really?

What have you got a favorite?

I have what I consider to be my on-air mugs.

I'm not a hot beverage drinker, so mugs are not an important part of my life, but I do have a Judge John Hodgman YouTube viewers have spotted my on-air mugs.

It's basically a rotation of three mugs.

One is a mug from the New York radio station WNYX,

which admittedly is a fictional radio station from the television show News Radio.

I was just going to say.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, Dave Foley, by the way.

Indeed.

Happy birthday, Dave.

One is my mug emblazoned with the cover of the E40 album in a major way.

And the third is from a certain sitcom about podcasting,

starring the guy from Scrubs.

And every time I drink from that one, that one I acquired because a listener knew that I was obsessed with a promo for that sitcom in which the guy from Scrubs' child said to him, nobody thought radio was cool until you did it.

And I got obsessed with it.

And then a listener sent me that they were at a thrift store in Oakland and they had seen an entire rack of mugs advertising this

long since canceled sitcom.

And I got so excited, but I was so disappointed because I wasn't in Oakland

until my friend Roman Mars from 99% Invisible stepped in.

Roman

either went to or sent an underling.

He's got a lot of underlings, a very successful show, to this thrift store to buy all of the mugs.

And he mailed us some.

And so

if those get broken, those are irreplaceable.

Nobody thought radio was cool until you did it, Dad.

Well, that's what all of your children say to you every morning, right?

You know, at the end of the day, there's nothing that kids think is cooler than the podcast startup.

I hide my antiques roadshow Yeti flask from my family.

I bet.

That this style, the fact that AR, that the roadshow roadshow gave me this style of flask the one that i can drink while lying down is so it was so it was it was kismet it was serendipitous and i i love it so much and um if i don't hide it

people in my family my wife who's a whole human being in her own right will take it from me and use it herself and then leave it someplace where i can't find it i'm just the way it happens

i have to i have a very special hiding place in the kitchen where i hide it every morning because that way i know that i can get it it again.

It's just the thing that I need in order to sleep.

So there you go.

That's my system.

That's what I hide.

So I asked Glenn to send in a picture of this mug, and he did, along with Vincent Price and the cat and everything else.

And then he said, shortly after I sent you this photo, the mug disappeared and he doesn't even know where it is now because his family got its paws on it.

I hope it's not broken, Glenn.

I think your system is absolutely fair and reasonable, and I don't know why Arwen is going around.

Look, I'm sure she's a wonderful partner.

But Arwen, leave Glenn's mugs hidden where they belong.

Let him have his mug.

Nice cat, by the way.

Here's something from Claire in Banff, Alberta.

That's one of the great, great names of a town.

Banff.

It's just one, it's just one letter off from Banff, the sound that Nightcrawler makes when he teleports.

Okay, my loving partner Adam and I live in a small apartment in Alberta.

Our kitchen is tiny.

Our counter is only a meter long.

That's 39 inches.

We aren't even allowed to have an oven.

Whoa.

The problem is, Adam uses too many dish towels.

He has a four towel system.

One is wet, one is dry, one is for display, and I don't remember what the fourth is for.

I say we only have space for two towels, one wet, one dry the end.

I was a chef for 20 years, and I know that's all you need.

Tell Adam, my system is better.

All right.

First of all, we got to get these folks a countertop oven.

I believe in nothing so much as countertop ovens.

You know what?

I know the one that you're talking about, and we've mentioned it before on the air, so I'll go ahead and say it, the Breville Smart Oven.

Oh, I love, love.

This is a product that has revolutionized my life.

I use it four times a day.

You know, I don't have one here in New York,

but we were very lucky when we hosted a huge Thanksgiving this year

that our neighbor across the hallway very generously let us use their kitchen because they were going to be away.

And that was wonderful.

Thank you very much, Rachel and Luyan.

And

they have one.

And I was making a turkey and warming up a brisket from Franklin BBQ.

And I was like, how am I going to do this?

That's why I need two ovens.

And then I realized the brisket will just fit right into the breville.

Yeah, you can put a whole chicken in there.

You know what?

Even if you have a regular oven in a tiny kitchen, I'd advocate for a countertop oven.

Just keep your breakfast cereals or whatever in the regular oven.

Yeah, you know what you do?

You keep your jeans in there or something.

Yeah.

No, I keep your jeans in the freezer, your cereal in the oven.

You could toast the jeans.

That would do it too.

All right.

But I was astonished that a full Franklin brisket could fit in this thing easily.

And I just watched a video of our friend Kenji Lopez-Alt making his Christmas prime rib roast, and he did it in the same oven, a countertop oven.

I think it was a Breville.

And hey, Kenji, thanks so much for sharing your journey to sobriety with us on your Substack and elsewhere.

Very

wonderful.

One day at a time, I'm thinking of you.

Yeah.

In any case,

yeah, if you are able to get a countertop oven, you should.

But let's talk about these dish towels, tea towels, whatever you want to call them.

Jesse, do you got a favorite tea towel?

Not that you hide from your family, but the one that you're so happy to get when you reach for it.

John, you think your boy JT has a favorite dish towel?

Do you think your boy JT is your boy JT or a different guy?

Because the answer is obviously yes.

I was thinking that I wanted to hear from my friend JT, who probably has a favorite dish towel.

I have three categories of favorite dish towel.

Each has its own purpose.

I love to buy vintage linen dish towels.

Linen is by far the superior dish towel material.

It dries fast.

It's textural.

It's wonderful.

And I'll buy like old French, you know, mid-20th century linen dish towels all day long at the free market.

That's not something most people have access to.

I will say, if you're imagining me spending a lot of money on this project, you're imagining wrong.

Just a really premium old product.

You can, you know, if you have a source, you can get them for a few bucks a piece.

But when I'm not using those,

I love, there's a store here in Los Angeles called the Good Liver,

as in like good living.

Oh, I got it.

And I thought you meant like the opposite of my liver.

And

the Good Liver is a store that sells like very simple, high quality products.

Some of them are expensive, but many of them are actually not expensive.

And one of the ones that is not expensive are dish towels.

They have these Japanese dish towels.

There are ones that have a smooth finish that are like a rayon cotton blend, I believe.

And then there are ones that have a sort of waffle finish that I think are all cotton.

And those waffle ones are great for anything that needs to absorb anything or kind of do a semi-scrub.

And the smoother ones are good for anything that needs a soft finish.

And

I love them both.

They're both really great products and very reasonably priced.

I have a favorite dish, two favorite dish towels in theme.

One is a wonderful dish towel I found, which has an illustration of

a girl wrestling an alligator.

And it says, do one thing every day that scares your family.

Uh-huh.

I mean, novelty dish towels can be pretty corny, I admit.

They can be beautiful.

They can be ineffective dish towels.

I think that's the biggest challenge of a novelty dish towel.

This one works pretty well.

And then the other one, the other novelty dish towel that I enjoy very much is a picture of

a couple in a kitchen and their friends are coming into the kitchen with like a glass of wine and a pie, like they're coming over for dinner.

And the words just say, go away.

Which really speaks to even the, even I,

I'm an intro extrovert.

And when I'm in introversion mode, that's the tea towel that I like to to have.

But it is one that my wife, who's a whole human normite, thinks is problematic to display in our home because it sends a message.

So, but we're talking about a lot of different towels here.

And Claire lives in a tiny little ovenless apartment, I suppose, or maybe a tiny home in Banff, Alberta.

And she says, four towels too much, two towels plenty.

What do you think, Jesse?

I think that two towels is indeed plenty to have in active service.

Okay.

I think you're going to need more than that overall.

And I could see a system that involves a display towel, if that's your lifestyle.

It's not mine.

But it sounds like this kitchen is too small for a non-functional towel to me.

So I would say two towels is going to do it, but you're going to need to be rotating those pretty regularly because

they may be encountering things that

are, frankly, food unsafe

if you're using them regularly.

I mean, you know, me, Judge Hodgman, like compared to the people that send us emails, I have very loose standards as far as cleanliness and food safety go.

But even I, if I'm wiping down something that could have pathogens on it,

will toss the rag that I use to wipe things, to wipe that down and use a clean rag for something that needs to be clean.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that what Claire is talking about is two towels out on the counter or four, you know, out in use in the kitchen.

In that case, two.

Two V4.

Yeah.

I think that's right.

I don't think there's room for a display towel.

What do you, where are you displaying it?

If you don't have an oven door handle to hang it over, how is it even displayed?

Yeah, we're going to take a quick break.

When we come back, we've got a system about air circulation.

You got to watch out for night fans.

I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, they'll chop up the air and kill you.

Hi, I'm Amber Nash, the voice of Pam Poovy on the groundbreaking FX animated comedy Archer.

Remember Archer?

I sure don't.

That's why I started rephrasing an Archer rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org.

Join me and a bevy of special guests as we discuss every episode of Archer starting from the very beginning.

Archer executive producer Casey Willis and editor Christian Danley will provide insight and fun and help me remember everything I've forgotten about Archer, which is a lot.

So, join me on rephrasing an Archer Rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org because I can't wait to watch Archer again for the very first time.

The Wizards answer eight by eight.

The Conclave's call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number 64

until a conflagration.

63

and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die,

till one remains to reign on high.

Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all-wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Judge John Hodgman, we are about to bring our court back on the road.

Vancouver, British Columbia have not seen you for five years.

Seattle, Washington have not seen you for at least a year.

Same with you, Portland, Oregon, and San Francisco Sketch Fest.

We saw you last year and we cannot wait to see you again.

All these shows and not more, just them, are on sale now at maximumfund.org/slash events.

Our LA show is sold out.

So if you missed that one,

why not make a weekend trip up for a Groundhog's Day to see us in San Francisco at the Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco?

That's 2225 maximumfund.org slash events.

That's January 29th through February 2nd.

Get those tickets at maximumfund.org slash events.

And if you haven't already and you live live in one of those places, please submit a case to us.

Look, your idea may be bad or it may be good.

We want you to submit it no matter what.

We can help you shape and refine it.

If you're not sure about it,

worst case scenario is we don't use it.

We're always grateful for your submission.

So if you live near one of those places, go to maximumfund.org slash JJ H O and submit your case because your cases are the clay that we mold into the pot that is the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

That's all I can think of that's made out of clay.

I thought it was incredible.

Thank you.

And hey, don't forget that until the end of this tour, we are raising money for Al Otro Lado.

So if you want to make a donation to support migrants in a very, very trying time for a very, very vulnerable population, go to alotrolado.org/slash let's do something.

That's allotrolado.org slash let's do something.

And if you have already given, thank you because the support has been overwhelming.

A-L-O-T-R-O-L-A-D-O dot O-R-G, let's slash let's do something.

And speaking of let's do something, let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are clearing the docket with cases about systems.

Here is a case from Andrea in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.

My husband says he read in a reputable source that it's bad for fruits and vegetables to be stored without air circulation.

He is obsessed.

He spreads fruits all over the counter to make sure they don't touch and spoil.

He feels the same way about shirts and towels.

Okay.

I believe apples can touch without spoiling.

I believe clean shirts can rub elbows on hangers without degrading.

And I believe bath towels should be stacked in linen closets.

Tell him to stop spreading everything out.

It takes up too much space and it looks weird.

Man, Judge Hodgman.

Yeah.

You know who's got perfectly spread out shirts?

Tell me who.

I think I know who you're going to say.

Friend of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, Jamel Bowie.

Jamel Bowie.

Jamel Bowie shot a video in front of his shirts the other day.

This guy's shirts look like a boutique display.

Handsome man always looks like a million dollars, Jamel Bowie.

If you take pleasure the way I do in hearing smart people say smart things,

maybe they're ideas that you've been circling around but haven't been able to articulate yourself, or more likely with Jamel, ideas that never even crossed your mind, particularly with regard to what we might call the political scene.

If you want to not read the news, but have some level of

in-touchness and staying informed with what's going on.

You could do far, far worse than watch the little videos that Jamel makes where he talks about issues of the day while holding a little microphone and standing in front of his incredible wardrobe or wearing incredible outfits.

The clarity of his insights is just absolutely extraordinary.

And also, he's a guy who knows his colors.

That video that I watched the other day with him standing, sitting in front of his

wardrobe, which is like a visible, you know, it's like a, it's like a, one of these kind of pipe tube closets that's out in the out right out there in the bedroom.

He was wearing like a brown sport coat with an orange overcheck and like an orangish

sport vest underneath with the collar popping out.

And the colors looked so exactly right on Jamil.

I'm like, this guy, when did this guy go get his colors done?

This guy looks perfect.

He knows.

He knows.

He knows.

Yeah.

And, you know, can I say something else since we we were talking about some of my older work in the areas of my expertise?

This guy's one of these op-ed hunks.

If you look at the author photo of me from 2005 when that book came out, taken by Elizabeth Connor, you will notice that I am wearing a black suit jacket over a black puffy vest.

and then a collared shirt underneath it.

And I didn't know what, look, I didn't know what I was doing doing at that time.

People said, John Hodgman, what are you doing wearing that puffy vest underneath a suit jacket?

I'm like, I don't know.

I'm just feeling it.

And the truth is, I chickened out after a while and I stopped going for that look because I was like, maybe they're, maybe they're right.

Maybe it's weird.

So I stopped doing it.

And the chicken.

You checked it out just in time for it to come into vogue.

I mean, the other truth is I looked like white-hot garbage compared to the way Jamel Bowie looks in these videos, but it is very satisfying to me to see Jamel Bowie rocking that puffy vest or puffy, you know, I guess it's a vest probably underneath that sport coat look, but perfecting it in a way that I never possibly could.

From, you know, from soup to nuts.

And he's a podcaster, too.

He's got a great podcast about Cold War movies from the 90s, an unclear and present danger.

Jamel Bowie, good job.

All right.

But did you notice something about his shirts when they were hanging in the back of that video?

I noticed that

they were effectively spaced and like rainbow color coordinated.

Yeah.

But by effectively spaced, like,

were they touching?

I think they probably were touching a little bit.

Did it look like he had gone out of his way to make sure that they were not touching?

Let's put it that way.

No, he's, he's not, uh, he's not mental.

I don't know how I want to put it.

Yeah, I mean, do you believe, as Andrea does, that clean shirts can rub elbows on hangers without degrading?

Yeah, I mean, I think it would be possible to pack shirts into your closet so tightly that they crease and you have to iron them before you wear them or, you know, hang them loose somewhere damp or steam them or whatever.

But in general, as long as they're not getting put away damp,

they will be entirely fine touching each other in your closet.

Now,

how do you like them apples?

These apples that are on the counter, I guess, arrayed in a line with a full inch of airspace between them.

There are fruits that off-gas chemicals that can

ripen other fruits.

You know, for example, I recently learned I had been storing all my like pantry food in a drawer.

uh together and i learned that apparently the off-gassing from onions and garlic uh makes potatoes last a lot less long and makes them sprout.

Jesse, that's very interesting.

I did not know that about onions off-gassing potato killing gases or potato sprouting gases,

which would explain why, typically in Maine, we keep the onions because you got to keep potatoes in the dark.

Yeah.

If you don't keep them in the dark, sunlight has a bad effect on them.

And if you cut into a potato and the edge of the potato is a greenish tint, that means it's been in the sun too much and it's not going to taste right.

Yep.

So you got to keep them in the dark.

I would keep the potatoes and onions together in the dark in a little pull-out cabinet, not a drawer, but a cabinet underneath the counter in our home in Maine.

And they would sprout pretty quickly.

And let me ask you this, Jesse.

Did you ever store potatoes underneath the counter in your home in Maine and then

forget that they were there and leave for several months and then come back?

I've never done, done, I've never made that mistake specifically.

And then discovered that the potatoes had sprouted horrific Lovecraftian vines that had grown to great length and infiltrated your entire under countertop and you had to, you had to pull them out of the, out of the crevices of the drawers and stuff

and then have like sort of not, this is not Cronenbergian body horror, but Cronenberg style vegetable horror.

You know, something like this happened to me, not the exact same thing, but something like this happened to me when I bought these three magic beans.

Here's the thing: one time I went into a restaurant, I can't remember, I had lunch with my friend Adam, who's a food journalist, Adam Sachs, very good at his job.

And this was a Danielle Beloud restaurant.

It might have been Danielle, it might have been a different one.

I don't know if I've never been back, but the entire outer foyer, as you

entered the restaurant, was lined on either side by shelves of apples.

And there must have been 300, 400 apples in this room.

And it was just there so that you would smell apple when you walked in.

And

it was utterly sublime.

I couldn't believe what I was smelling.

They must replace those apples every four days or something.

They got to watch out for sure for bad apples.

Yeah.

Well, one bad apple will spoil the bunch, they say.

But

it was beautiful.

And it reminded you that, yes, your fruits are giving off gases, sometimes delicious odors, sometimes not so delicious odors.

But do you know what I noticed about those apples when I was walking through that hallway in Danielle Baloud's restaurant?

They were touching.

Of course they were touching.

Yeah.

When you see a cartoon and there's an apple cart, what are those apples doing?

Touching?

No.

Or not touching.

They're touching.

When you see a pyramid of apples that someone knocks over, Bruce Campbell style, they're touching.

Touching.

Your apples can touch.

They love to touch.

Me and my wife.

Exactly right.

And your shirts can touch too.

I think what you're saying is true, Jess.

You don't want to bunch your shirts together such that it's hard to get at them and they get all wrinkly.

And similarly, you don't want to have so many apples that there's one rotting at the bottom of the pile.

But that's just a matter of being judicious, buying just the number of apples you need, just the number of shirts you need, and storing them with a little bit of distance, but it's not make a big deal of it.

The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

The systems have been

either further systematized or destroyed by our revolutionary logic.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Our social media manager is Natty Lopez.

Our video editor is Daniel Spear.

The podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

And Jennifer, do not think that we will not be posting video of both those beautiful snowflakes and John Hodgman struggling to operate a tripod on our social media.

The tripod is John Hodgman pod.

The problem was.

I'm screwing a thing into a thing.

Yeah.

Because I'm screwing up.

You know what I mean?

That's the law of comedy.

Screw up, don't screw down.

Right.

And therefore, I had to go counterclockwise instead of clockwise.

No, it's fine.

Righty was not totally tough.

Everybody thinks it's fine.

No, everybody thinks it's fine.

How many judges does it take to screw in a tripod?

Thank you, Jennifer.

Add Judge John Hoshman pod on TikTok and YouTube.

The worst joke in the history of our show.

No,

I think my enormous fans' joke is the worst.

Come on, don't take that away from me.

Follow and subscribe on TikTok and YouTube to see both episodes and clips from episodes and also video-only content.

A lot of great video content from our holiday show the other day.

That's

on YouTube, on TikTok, and on Instagram.

And I just got an email from a listener saying they really like the show on YouTube because they sit and eat their lunch at their desk and watch us.

And that's a new way to enjoy the show.

So if you're watching now, I hope you are having a good lunch, listener.

And Jesse, we are getting ready to pack our bags now for the final leg of the Judge John Hodgman Road Court.

This was a set of trousers with four legs, and we're in the fourth leg now, going to Vancouver, British Columbia, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco, California at the SF Sketchfest, and Los Angeles, California.

Now, the LA show is sold out, but I'll tell you something.

We're still on the hunt for cases.

We do multiple cases per night.

And if you've got a great case in LA and you don't have tickets and you send it in and we decide to hear it, you're going to the show.

It might be the only way to go to the LA show at this point.

Same goes for Vancouver, Seattle, and Portland, Oregon, and San Francisco.

If you've got a great case and you send it in and you don't have tickets, guess what?

You're going to the show if

we choose to hear the case.

So send your cases in to maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

That's where we get all of our cases.

Our show runs on your beefs.

And if you haven't got tickets for the Seattle, Vancouver, Portland, or San Francisco shows,

San Francisco, I called it.

San Francisco.

What am I?

A right-wing podcaster?

San Francisco.

In any case, get your tickets now at maximumfund.org slash events.

Come join us on Groundhog's Day at the Marines Memorial Theater.

We're coming home to the Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco Sketchfest.

It's going to be so much fun.

Vancouver, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, the same place for tickets for all of them, maximumfund.org slash events.

And once again, send your cases for these live cases, maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho, and let us know that you're going to be at the show or would like to be.

You know something cool about Vancouver, British Columbia, John.

Not only is it the home of, I'll just say it, probably my favorite Max Fun podcast of all.

Stop podcasting yourself.

Stop podcasting yourself.

It is also the home

of another very special podcast to me.

I'm going to be staying, when we're in Vancouver, I'm going to be staying with my friends Helen and Martin, Helen Zaltzmann and Martin Zaltzostwick.

They are podcasting partners together on many podcasts, including Helen's show, The Illusionist.

But Helen just announced the return of one of my favorite podcasts of all time, Answer Me This,

with her podcasting partner, Ollie Mann, of literal decades.

And I'm so excited about it.

I'm hoping that I will be staying at Helen's house and get to like peep in on one of the

one of the new recording sessions for the new Answer Me This.

I'm so excited about it.

That's really great that you're going to get to stay with Helen.

I will stay in a hotel room.

Great.

Good for you.

Watch Canadian television.

Indeed.

Yeah.

We are eager to hear all of your cases, of course, on any subject,

no matter how small or how big,

no matter where you are, even if you're not coming to any of the shows, we got to get those beefs, right, Jesse?

We need them at maximumfun.org/slash JJ H O.

No case too big or too small.

And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows.

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