Van Freaks Roadshow in Portland Maine

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
I'm here with Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 2 We are just back from our Midwest run of our road court tour. We're on a little bit of a Midrist, if you will, but we're about to hit the road again.

Speaker 2 We're going to Burlington, Vermont, Brookline, Massachusetts, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, and Portland, Maine, where, by the way, we recorded this episode.

Speaker 1 We visited Portland, Maine last year, had a great time talking about outdoor cats, parallel parking, and dog walking. Also, we had a special case involving our very own Maine Man, Joel.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Joel Mann, program and operations director at my summertime chambers at WERU in Orland, Maine, was there, as well as the other two members of the night and day trio, playing some of that Maine-style jazz for the entire audience at the state theater.

Speaker 2 And they will be coming back. Joining us once again on November 7th at that same state theater in Portland, Maine.
Please get your tickets now at maximumfund.org/slash events.

Speaker 2 Please get your tickets now at maximumfund.org slash events. I said it twice because I mean it twice.
All right, now let's go to the stage from the Van Freaks Road Show in Portland, Maine.

Speaker 6 People of Portland, Maine, you asked us for live justice and we're here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.

Speaker 6 Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please Please welcome to the stage Anthony and Elise.

Speaker 6 Tonight's case, Toxo Plazmotion to Dismiss. Anthony brings the case against his wife, Elise.
Anthony wants to put his personal phone number on the collar of their cat, Salem.

Speaker 6 Elise wants to keep Salem unlisted. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide.
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Speaker 5 Inside a broken clock, splashing the wine with all the main dogs.

Speaker 5 Taxi, we'd rather walk, huddle a doorway with the main dogs,

Speaker 13 for I'm a main dog too.

Speaker 5 Oh, how we dance. There's always a second we swallowed the night

Speaker 7 for it was all right for dreaming.

Speaker 5 Oh, how we danced away all over the lights.

Speaker 5 We've always been out of our minds. Dun don't don't don't.

Speaker 16 Tail, Jesse Thornton, swear them in.

Speaker 5 Don't encourage it.

Speaker 6 Anthony and Elise, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Speaker 17 So help you, God, or whatever.

Speaker 18 I do. I do.

Speaker 6 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that we may not make it through this frigid winter?

Speaker 9 I do. I do.

Speaker 6 Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Speaker 19 Anthony and Elise, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Speaker 19 Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom here in Portland, Maine.

Speaker 19 Elise, why don't you guess first?

Speaker 26 I want to say it's cats. I just want to put it out there.
If you're going to say it's appropriate, I want to say it's the.

Speaker 26 You want to say it's cats. The musical cats.
The musical cats. The musical cats.
Not just cats in general.

Speaker 28 Actually.

Speaker 26 Can I put in cats in general?

Speaker 13 Sure.

Speaker 29 Cats

Speaker 6 in general. Just the animal.

Speaker 30 It covers a lot of ground.

Speaker 17 It's probably a wise.

Speaker 6 Any cat.

Speaker 22 Very interesting strategy.

Speaker 11 Cats.

Speaker 32 What about you, Anthony?

Speaker 33 What's your guess?

Speaker 28 All this tour, I have been performing cultural references in homage to this one musical artist.

Speaker 37 Well, that's consistent with my line of thinking.

Speaker 12 Good for us.

Speaker 37 My thought is that it might be the B-side to Blondie's Call Me.

Speaker 38 Our lines are inconsistent, actually.

Speaker 13 Come on.

Speaker 39 You're wearing a little black beanie.

Speaker 8 You know this.

Speaker 34 No?

Speaker 16 You're wearing checkered vans.

Speaker 14 I just, well, all right. All guesses are wrong.

Speaker 19 Although, the idea of songs by cats performed by Tom Waits is very intriguing to me.

Speaker 6 I'd like to hear the songs of Tom Waits performed by MC Scatcat from Paula Abdul's opposites attract video.

Speaker 5 One step forward, two steps back.

Speaker 26 I should have shouted about.

Speaker 12 In any case,

Speaker 20 that was the Tom Waits song Rain Dogs from the album Rain Dogs as interpreted by me.

Speaker 14 I made a little change.

Speaker 19 I changed rain to main because that's where we are.

Speaker 26 John's version.

Speaker 19 Yeah, and it wasn't about cats. It was about dogs.

Speaker 11 I kept saying dogs in the song.

Speaker 26 If I were you, if you had said dogs in general, you've never changed the lyrics to anything you've ever used as your cultural reference.

Speaker 29 Are you gaslighting me?

Speaker 22 I guess I've never understood any of this.

Speaker 30 Well, anyway, here we are.

Speaker 22 We have to hear this case.

Speaker 43 Who seeks justice in my fake court?

Speaker 45 I do, Your Honor. That would be Anthony.

Speaker 36 What is the nature of your dispute?

Speaker 37 So, Your Honor, this case is about security. Safety and security of a feline.

Speaker 14 I'm not, okay.

Speaker 30 This is a cat named Salem.

Speaker 12 Yes, this is a cat named Salem.

Speaker 46 And you want to put your telephone number on the collar of Salem the cat.

Speaker 33 Yes, that's correct.

Speaker 47 Because he is an outdoor cat.

Speaker 37 He is an outdoor cat.

Speaker 29 He gets around.

Speaker 48 He, yes.

Speaker 11 We'll go into more detail, but that's the basics.

Speaker 29 That is the basics.

Speaker 19 And you don't want him to do this, correct, Elise?

Speaker 26 I want Salem to be able to go outside. I would like my number to go.

Speaker 19 This whole theater is lit by gaslight now.

Speaker 6 As long as I can warm my hands by it, I'm happy.

Speaker 26 That's how we keep warm, guys. I would like my phone number to go on Salem's collar.
We've both agreed that we want to get a caller that says outdoor cat, and then one of our phone numbers.

Speaker 26 Anthony says it should be his New Jersey number. I say it should be my Massachusetts number.

Speaker 14 Whoa.

Speaker 26 I want to be up front with the crowd.

Speaker 6 You want people that find the cat to believe that it's on an incredible journey

Speaker 19 or that it's buying up property to turn into Airbnbs.

Speaker 19 Now, we'll go into some details to why Salem the Cat might need such a collar, but first of all, the full name of Salem is what, Elise?

Speaker 26 Salem, Meow, Sachus.

Speaker 44 Salem, Meow, Sachusetts.

Speaker 21 And you are from Massachusetts and New Jersey, respectively.

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 32 How long have you been living here in Portland? Seven minutes?

Speaker 26 Yeah, we drove up here. No,

Speaker 26 we both moved here in 2013.

Speaker 20 Well, welcome to Maine.

Speaker 23 I hope you're enjoying it.

Speaker 16 Anthony, Salem gets, Salem's an outdoor cat.

Speaker 44 Salem gets up to some journeys.

Speaker 21 Is that correct?

Speaker 19 Tell me about where Salem roams.

Speaker 37 That is more than correct. So this cat, upon almost immediately when we got him, insisted on being outside.
And then he has journeyed all across.

Speaker 45 Did you Portland portion?

Speaker 51 Did you not want Salem to be outside initially?

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 8 It's a controversial decision.

Speaker 37 It was, and our intention was not to let him outside.

Speaker 50 I can hear the teeth of many birders and

Speaker 23 small animal fans grinding in the audience right now.

Speaker 19 But Salem wanted to get out.

Speaker 9 He did.

Speaker 37 And he wanted initially to go to Portland Glass Company, which is on Congress Street.

Speaker 33 Is this a business that you own that you're buzz marketing?

Speaker 29 No, not at all.

Speaker 26 In fact, they are very nice, though, about this in particular. We have never used them for the glass services, just the pet sitting.

Speaker 22 Is it, do they replace windows or do they blow glass?

Speaker 8 No, they replace windows. They replace windows.

Speaker 37 At least as far as I can tell.

Speaker 29 Okay. Right.

Speaker 19 I mean, maybe you should put a little camera on Salem and see what they're up to over there.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Perhaps.

Speaker 40 So Salem likes to...

Speaker 28 How far away is the Portland Glass Company?

Speaker 37 As the crow flies or the cat wanders perhaps 300 yards from our backyard.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 55 Yeah, Yeah, it's not too far.

Speaker 56 How did you discover that Salem was hanging out with other people?

Speaker 37 They would call me because my number is the number on the little hang tag that he called.

Speaker 44 The little hang tag right now.

Speaker 42 Okay, I got you.

Speaker 22 And where's the weirdest place that Salem has ever ended up?

Speaker 37 Weirdest place is probably

Speaker 49 Sacred Heart Parish. He was on the altar, and this is a black cat.

Speaker 37 The deacon called me and said.

Speaker 26 Sunday morning.

Speaker 48 Sunday morning. Sunday morning.

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 37 I get a call from the deacon. This is the deacon of Sacred Heart Parish or Cat Salem is here.

Speaker 14 Right.

Speaker 49 I said,

Speaker 53 well, is he outside?

Speaker 37 Oh, no, he's inside.

Speaker 53 Yeah. I said, where?

Speaker 37 And they said, well, currently he's on the altar.

Speaker 11 Right.

Speaker 37 I could not have grabbed my keys faster to try to capture a photo of this black cat on the altar.

Speaker 11 Did you manage it? No.

Speaker 47 No, I would think that we would have that photo.

Speaker 26 He was too busy wandering through the pews getting pets from the nice folks.

Speaker 14 From the congregants.

Speaker 19 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 26 He's the best. Yeah,

Speaker 19 Salem was getting pets from the congregants and converting them to Satan's army.

Speaker 6 We can only hope. Yeah.

Speaker 28 I would imagine we would have a photo of Salem on the altar if you had captured it, but you did capture a video.

Speaker 12 Is that correct?

Speaker 19 Now, we can't show the video here in the state theater, so I need you to describe it.

Speaker 26 So I used to work for Maine Medical, and I had a couple of friends who worked for security, and they had met Salem.

Speaker 26 He had come outside the hospital, and one day I got a text message of closed-circuit television, which showed a doctor walking down the hallway texting.

Speaker 31 Well, hang on one second.

Speaker 19 I have the video that I'm going to show it to Jesse Thorne, and maybe he can describe exactly what he sees in a non-biased way.

Speaker 26 Very fair.

Speaker 6 So this is, this looks like a phone recording of a security display. Correct.
Is what I'm looking at. If you imagine like the movie sneakers or something.

Speaker 15 And the cat is, it's a hospital.

Speaker 6 And the cat is having a little hot is going around. Everybody's like, whoa.

Speaker 11 It's a cat just walking.

Speaker 39 Like,

Speaker 20 do you remember that footage of the senator Josh Hawley running away?

Speaker 45 Running across a hallway, running away from the army of lunatics that he unleashed.

Speaker 19 I'm not saying that your cat is a January 6th truther or anything, but I am saying it's very, if you imagine a hospital hallway and a cat just suddenly walking across the hallway into one of the examination rooms.

Speaker 6 There's also, like, presumably a nurse or someone that works chasing the cat going.

Speaker 51 So this has become an issue, and so you've decided you want to give Salem a collar that says outside cat.

Speaker 19 Why do you need to feel the need to advertise that in particular?

Speaker 3 So people call the number on the collar all the time.

Speaker 49 On the tag.

Speaker 55 Yeah, on the tag now, all the time, because it doesn't say outside cat.

Speaker 34 And

Speaker 37 for whatever reason,

Speaker 37 they assume that he's lost.

Speaker 49 So I have to have that conversation.

Speaker 20 Why? I mean,

Speaker 19 it's bizarre if you were working in a hospital trying to perform surgery

Speaker 23 and a cat came in,

Speaker 50 be like, oh no, don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 It's an outside cat. It belongs here.

Speaker 43 That cat's not lost.

Speaker 29 It's fine.

Speaker 6 It just wants to spend some time with Christ.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Your Honor,

Speaker 26 he has actually since he's stopped going to Portland Glass, the hospital, he has frequented some corner stores in Bodegas.

Speaker 21 Sure, that's where cats belong.

Speaker 26 It's not that. It's really, it's people on the street.
So people have gotten used to him. Holy Donut is, he's regular there.
They just send him on his way. Sure.

Speaker 26 It's folks, I think, visiting often who are very worried to find a cat who approaches them running.

Speaker 48 He will run towards people.

Speaker 22 Yeah, ignorant people from away.

Speaker 23 No,

Speaker 26 they just haven't seen him yet.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 he's very worried.

Speaker 45 Oh, those tourists and newcomers who moved here in 2018 rather than 2017.

Speaker 52 Look, I'm a monster.

Speaker 9 I am a monster.

Speaker 11 I don't live here all the time.

Speaker 51 I'm like you, a terrible person.

Speaker 26 He has a very specific meow.

Speaker 50 Let me hear it. Wow!

Speaker 50 Wow!

Speaker 27 I can't top that.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 14 That is really not.

Speaker 42 So Salem the Black Cat is wandering around Portland, alarming people who don't know that this cat is not a witch, but is in fact just a cat.

Speaker 37 So if you're familiar with the film A Nightmare Before Christmas, the cat alarm in that film is very similar to the nightmare.

Speaker 27 Oh, sure,

Speaker 57 yeah. Go ahead and do it.

Speaker 14 I don't know if I can.

Speaker 43 From Henry Selleck's A Nightmare Before Christmas.

Speaker 13 That one. Yeah.

Speaker 19 Do it again because I talked over you.

Speaker 19 All right, now do it again just because it's fun.

Speaker 6 Okay, now do a helicopter landing.

Speaker 6 Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Winslow.

Speaker 52 Okay, so you want the caller to announce that this cat is knowingly outside on purpose. Correct.

Speaker 19 That this is the cat

Speaker 52 acting upon its own will, and

Speaker 52 no one should be worried.

Speaker 58 But if they are worried, they should call someone.

Speaker 30 Right.

Speaker 47 And you believe that they should call you, Anthony.

Speaker 24 That's correct.

Speaker 28 And they have been calling you.

Speaker 16 They have been calling me, yes.

Speaker 19 So what is Anthony doing wrong, at least, on these calls, such that you want to put your own number on there?

Speaker 26 So Anthony is very kind. And so when he receives the phone call, he allows the person to do the talking

Speaker 26 and lets them direct the conversation.

Speaker 26 When I answer the phone, and sometimes I'll be with Anthony and answer for him, I say, oh, you found Salem? Is he bothering you? And when they say, no, because he's awesome,

Speaker 26 I say, great, you can let him outside if he's in your house. Thank you for checking on him.
And then we're done.

Speaker 48 It's always.

Speaker 26 Anthony often has to go rescue Salem from God knows where, whatever street, whatever he's doing. He's left work.
He's stopped, you know, whatever.

Speaker 36 His big error and sin in your mind is that he cares about the cat and wants it to be okay and come home.

Speaker 14 He's fine.

Speaker 26 And I have another thing. Anthony loves to surf and travels for work.
For example, he will be traveling abroad in December and he's traveled abroad for several different conferences

Speaker 36 and he's traveled throughout the United States so he's often gone which limits the amount of time I just want to clarify for the audience because Anthony is sitting here he's got checkered vans he's got a little beanie on he's got a hoodie

Speaker 19 you've indicated that he likes to surf and he's traveling a lot abroad he is not a loathsome tech bro

Speaker 19 He's an environmental lawyer, correct?

Speaker 29 That's correct. All right.

Speaker 47 Just so you know,

Speaker 24 you're giving a lot of loathsome tech bro, but you're an environmental lawyer.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry.

Speaker 59 No, no, I just

Speaker 14 look, I just worry for you walking around Portland, like you should have a caller that says, not a loathsome tech bro.

Speaker 38 Environmental lawyer.

Speaker 22 Call Elise for confirmation.

Speaker 40 So why can't he handle the calls?

Speaker 19 Because he's got to go out and get Sam.

Speaker 57 He worries too much.

Speaker 45 Oh, he's going away.

Speaker 26 He can't receive the call if he's in the ocean or he's in Dubai.

Speaker 36 Right, but that's temporary, you understand.

Speaker 14 His travel is.

Speaker 22 Are you suggesting that he's going to go away and not come back?

Speaker 39 No.

Speaker 25 Do you have a plan?

Speaker 26 My thinking is that any, Salem loves being outside. It is really, truly, it makes him happy.
It calms him down. He feels...
Just better when he comes home. I don't know if that makes sense.

Speaker 26 Like, he just feels more himself after he's had a day outside.

Speaker 19 It says here that if I were to rule in your favor, Elise,

Speaker 19 that not only do you want your number to be on the collar, but if I rule against you, if it's Anthony's number on the collar, you want to write him a script and practice what he should say

Speaker 52 so he knows how to respond when people call.

Speaker 26 You really don't love talking to strangers if you don't have to, right?

Speaker 51 You're doing a great job tonight, Anthony, I have to say.

Speaker 45 Thank you.

Speaker 30 I mean, you didn't make the cat noise, but

Speaker 52 that was a good judgment on your part.

Speaker 32 I've heard how you would handle a call.

Speaker 56 Let's say I'm calling you.

Speaker 13 Hello.

Speaker 19 Oh, yeah. Hi.

Speaker 5 Is Anthony there?

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Am I speaking to Anthony?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Great.

Speaker 52 There's a cat here with a collar on it, and it's got this number on it, and I just want to make sure...

Speaker 32 The cat is currently sitting on the altar of my church.

Speaker 42 The crucifix is spinning around at great

Speaker 60 speed.

Speaker 52 People are vomiting blood.

Speaker 36 There's

Speaker 19 some chanting that I'm hearing.

Speaker 52 It's like a meowing chanting.

Speaker 23 Right.

Speaker 22 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 29 That's exactly it.

Speaker 19 And mice are crawling out of the walls and writhing on the floor.

Speaker 52 Is this your cat? Is there something I need to know about it?

Speaker 26 Oh, oh, I'm coming right now. I'll be right there.

Speaker 37 I mean, it's somewhat accurate.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 40 Do you want to make a positive argument for why your number more than Elise's should be on the collar?

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 40 You're going to be traveling around the world. You're not always going to be able to run to save your cat from a witch trial.

Speaker 37 I understand there are moments in time, discreet, where it makes more sense because I'm not here in Maine. But most of the time, my...

Speaker 37 job allows me to actually show up and pick him up.

Speaker 27 And there have been times where...

Speaker 57 But at least it's saying he doesn't need to be picked up.

Speaker 37 But there have been times where he needs to be picked up. So let me just give a few examples.

Speaker 37 In more than one instance, people have brought him into their homes

Speaker 3 and then

Speaker 37 at least intimated that they might not return him during the phone call.

Speaker 11 Well, because they're under hypnotic power.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 37 Or they're overly concerned about him being outside or whatever it may be.

Speaker 37 That might result in them saying, well, I'm just going to keep him for a while, while, which is

Speaker 37 that that has happened, although I've convinced the person to allow me to come and take him from them.

Speaker 37 But at least her job would not allow her to leave in the middle of the day to do that kind of thing. We've had another person

Speaker 55 tie him up to a pole outside, which for a cat is very traumatic.

Speaker 51 What is happening in Maine?

Speaker 12 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 19 Are you anxious for Salem's safety?

Speaker 42 I mean, not just from human intervention, but there are cars, there's other misfortune that can befall an outdoor cat.

Speaker 37 I'm not anxious for his safety with respect to cars or other things that might be out there because he is a very savvy operator when he's outside.

Speaker 37 In fact, so savvy that this is part of the problem, that he is able to manipulate humans into feeding him, bringing them into their abodes, petting him.

Speaker 21 So he's less at risk from cars and more at risk from Portlanders who think they know better about how your cat should be raised.

Speaker 44 Correct.

Speaker 29 That sounds about right.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 39 I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

Speaker 19 I'm going to go into my chambers.

Speaker 52 I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Speaker 6 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 6 Anthony, how are you feeling about your chances?

Speaker 49 Not good.

Speaker 6 Why is that?

Speaker 53 I think I haven't come across as the most sympathetic person

Speaker 49 in this interaction.

Speaker 6 I think you're adorkable.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Babe, you seem very sympathetic to me. You don't want me to have to worry about it and sympathetic to the cat who you're worrying about.

Speaker 6 So Elise, stop trying to crave sympathy.

Speaker 6 Elise, how are you feeling about your chances? Good.

Speaker 26 I also did ask for a verdict that feels okay to me. I want to support Anthony doing this.
And I guess some of it comes from just wanting to be able to help more with the cat.

Speaker 14 So I feel I feel good.

Speaker 26 I think that him being stuck in the ocean or class or another country is helping my case a little bit.

Speaker 6 Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this.

Speaker 6 Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Speaker 19 Anthony, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for you. You obviously care for this cat, and

Speaker 42 you should have a measure of care because Salem is out in the world.

Speaker 14 Look,

Speaker 32 it's a somewhat controversial decision to let your cat roam free outside.

Speaker 42 There are a lot of people who don't approve of that decision, and a lot of people who would love to take your cat away from you as a result of that decision.

Speaker 52 In many ways, I worry that putting a collar on that says, I am an outdoor cat on purpose, may put more of a target on Salem's back than he already has.

Speaker 19 But I don't know. He's a savvy operator, as you say.

Speaker 47 I absolutely believe that

Speaker 20 you care about him.

Speaker 23 I do not see any evidence that your desire to go and get Salem and bring him home causes any damages whatsoever to Elise, so I'm not really sure what her standing is,

Speaker 34 unless.

Speaker 52 Now, when we record a live podcast on stage, the listener at home is not privy to some of the things that I can see and observe in person.

Speaker 36 We all heard Elise's uncanny imitation of a cat.

Speaker 57 What you cannot see at home is that she is wearing a leopard print blouse

Speaker 51 and cat socks.

Speaker 5 Moreover,

Speaker 57 when she was making her imitation of the cat, there is a ukulele on stage that Jesse will play later, and it fell over seemingly of its own accord.

Speaker 51 Given that we know that Salem the cat is demonic by nature,

Speaker 30 And there are concerns of it being a shape-shifting familiar, and given that I have seen no, Salem is not here, and you never see Salem and Elise in the same place at the same time,

Speaker 22 then I wonder if indeed Elise might be making advocacy for a certain freedom that she would enjoy in her other form as a cat.

Speaker 22 Her witchly form, her meowing form, and her psychic powers that allow everyone to take her in, to live in different homes and feed her food, and makes her able to knock over ukuleles at will without touching them.

Speaker 19 It may be that she doesn't want your number on the collar, Anthony, because she doesn't want to come home.

Speaker 13 Ouch.

Speaker 62 Well, she wants to come and go as she pleases, which all humans should be able to do.

Speaker 35 And I think Salem should be able to do as well.

Speaker 19 I think the thing that I am most concerned about here is the safety of the cat, demon or not.

Speaker 33 I think you are wise to make clear that there is a number to call if the cat is out of place.

Speaker 19 I don't think you should say this is an outside cat. I do think that that's going to cause scrutiny upon Salem that Salem does not deserve.

Speaker 31 I think that your number should be on the collar.

Speaker 36 because you really want it to be and you should be able to go and take care of your cat.

Speaker 19 There's no reason for it not to be.

Speaker 19 There is nothing about what Elise said in her training video of how to answer the phone that made me feel would be more effective than you taking care of your own anxiety and your cat by going to get it.

Speaker 46 I think that that number, however,

Speaker 24 you should be able, maybe you should have both numbers on the collar, or you should create...

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 27 All right, I'll go with them.

Speaker 60 Or create, use a, use a

Speaker 19 technology company's create a number number that is just for Salem that rings on both of your phones is another possibility.

Speaker 43 So, but that's what I would say. But absolutely, Anthony, when the devil calls, you should answer the phone.
This is the sound of a gabble.

Speaker 43 Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Speaker 6 Anthony and Elise, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgmod.

Speaker 22 Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 4 The Judge John Hodgin podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Speaker 4 Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

Speaker 4 If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Speaker 36 Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

Speaker 63 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made Inn.

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Speaker 57 Anyway, we're going to hear a few cases very quickly.

Speaker 30 Joel, will you be here to comment if you have any insights to lend?

Speaker 8 I will. Okay, very good.

Speaker 22 Let's put 15 minutes on the clock.

Speaker 19 Jesse Thorne, when you're ready, Nine Day Jazz Trio, when you're ready, why don't we welcome the first litigants?

Speaker 6 Please welcome to the stage Emily and Brendan.

Speaker 16 Thank you very much, Night and Day Jazz trio, especially

Speaker 43 They had to play a little longer while we adjusted the microphone stand for the gigantic man who is standing to my right.

Speaker 43 I think we had to we had to send out for an extra tall microphone stand during that inter inter that break there.

Speaker 6 I think think that's two microphone stands taped together.

Speaker 7 That's exactly right.

Speaker 6 I also think that's one man sitting on another man's shoulder.

Speaker 7 That's right.

Speaker 21 That's true.

Speaker 52 I was thinking of exactly so, wearing an extra long LL bean pullover, trying to sneak into the movies.

Speaker 22 So,

Speaker 51 Brendan and Emily, who seeks justice in this court?

Speaker 14 That would be me. Emily.

Speaker 22 Are either of you from Maine?

Speaker 26 No. Okay.

Speaker 14 Sorry.

Speaker 22 Where are you from originally?

Speaker 26 Originally from Minnesota.

Speaker 34 Minnesota, okay.

Speaker 43 You obviously moved here for the consistent weather.

Speaker 14 Absolutely.

Speaker 30 And you, and Brendan, where are you from originally?

Speaker 59 Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 36 Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 43 Cool.

Speaker 22 What brought you here to Maine?

Speaker 59 We're in our medical residency at Maine Meds.

Speaker 29 Oh, excellent.

Speaker 19 You ever see a cat wandering around?

Speaker 48 Not yet.

Speaker 48 Looking forward to it.

Speaker 60 Keep an eye out.

Speaker 34 You know who to call.

Speaker 22 Who seeks justice in this fake court?

Speaker 12 I do. All right.

Speaker 19 Emily, what is the nature of your dispute?

Speaker 26 Yeah, so Brendan and I live fairly close by in downtown Portland and we park on the street

Speaker 26 and we usually have to parallel park to do that.

Speaker 26 And it's kind of...

Speaker 14 Have you ever heard of that, Joel?

Speaker 28 Parallel parking?

Speaker 59 You can't do it. No, right.

Speaker 42 Not terribly common outside of Portland, I would imagine.

Speaker 26 Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 30 You know, I believe, Jesse, that kids growing up in Maine who get driver's licenses don't have to learn how to parallel park.

Speaker 28 Is that really true? I think that's true.

Speaker 47 Should be true.

Speaker 25 You know what?

Speaker 11 You guys should write a letter.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 47 So, but you, but you, being from Minnesota, you love to parallel park.

Speaker 26 I weirdly do love to parallel park. It can be kind of difficult to find a place near our apartment.

Speaker 26 So it takes, I don't know, like sometimes up to 10 minutes for us to try to find a spot because it's difficult to find.

Speaker 19 So your issue is not with the city of Portland.

Speaker 47 Your dispute is with Brendan because he won't let you parallel park.

Speaker 26 No, so I, when I'm driving and I see a tight spot, I usually just go for it and it works out pretty well. But if Brendan's the one driving and he sees that same spot, he'll pass it by and won't try.

Speaker 26 And I would like to be able to switch drivers so that I can try to parallel park.

Speaker 38 He's a less confident parallel parker.

Speaker 50 Exactly.

Speaker 26 It's not the ability, it's the confidence.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 19 But I mean you could appreciate why you know his sense of spatial relations might be skewed.

Speaker 44 I don't think he's seen the ground since he was seven years old.

Speaker 19 But I'm pretty amazed that you're getting any spots at all given you must be driving around in a double-tall sprinter van.

Speaker 39 What kind of car do you drive, Brendan?

Speaker 34 I'm sorry to keep talking.

Speaker 11 How tall are you?

Speaker 59 I'm six foot ten.

Speaker 11 Wowie, sowie.

Speaker 19 Yeah, so it's

Speaker 59 very solidly in the 99th percentile of height.

Speaker 19 You've obviously got that stat memorized.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 59 We drive a Kia Soul and it's it works pretty well. You know, it's got some headroom.
My legs, you know, I squeeze them in there. So

Speaker 52 so Brendan, let's say you and Emily are driving home and you're looking for a parking spot.

Speaker 32 Walk me through what's happening.

Speaker 24 Why are you giving up spots that Emily thinks you can get into?

Speaker 40 Is she wrong or are you wrong?

Speaker 59 I think that she wants to stop and do this because I'm getting progressively frustrated as we're not finding a spot.

Speaker 22 But she thinks you are finding spots.

Speaker 59 She thinks we are finding spots.

Speaker 59 I think I have a good grasp on what a good spot is, even though she is the superior parallel parker, and that her solution would not be any more efficient than driving to the next spot that we could find.

Speaker 52 Her solution being, get out of the damn damn car Let me park here drivers.

Speaker 29 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 14 Has she ever crunched another car while parallel parking?

Speaker 42 Not that I know of not that you know of no, she's confident of it.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty good.

Speaker 14 No

Speaker 40 Do you ever let her parallel park?

Speaker 11 Have you ever switched before?

Speaker 59 We have never switched before.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 28 But when she's driving and she parallel parks, do you feel nervous?

Speaker 14 Not at all. No.

Speaker 62 She's got it.

Speaker 14 Yeah. She nails it every time.
Yeah.

Speaker 16 So why won't you just switch places with her and let her park?

Speaker 62 I don't think it would be efficient to switch, like stopping on a road.

Speaker 6 Okay, Judge Hodgman,

Speaker 6 I have an idea here. Yeah.
Do you mind? But I will be willing to perform Yakity Sachs.

Speaker 6 And what I'd like to see is just how much time it takes you to get out of the car, go around the car, and switch places, okay?

Speaker 7 Could we regulate it? Yeah.

Speaker 43 I think you have to sort of pretend to sit down, right?

Speaker 6 So those microphones, take those microphones as your seats in the car. I mean, I would like you to crash and make the

Speaker 39 microphones.

Speaker 52 I mean,

Speaker 58 you don't want them to hold the microphone.

Speaker 6 No, I want them to use that as an understanding of where their seats in the car are.

Speaker 14 So, here you are.

Speaker 44 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 14 You're driving.

Speaker 20 You arrive at a spot.

Speaker 5 And Brindley says,

Speaker 6 I enjoyed that.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 27 Okay, now. He's still taller than me.

Speaker 29 Look at this.

Speaker 34 Incredible.

Speaker 6 Okay, so now

Speaker 6 you see the spot.

Speaker 6 What do you say, Brendan?

Speaker 59 Hey, I don't think we can fit there, Emily.

Speaker 6 Then what do you say, Emily?

Speaker 26 Oh, we can definitely fit there. Okay.

Speaker 26 Adjust the seat.

Speaker 43 I'll say this.

Speaker 56 Much to my surprise, that exercise was actually useful

Speaker 8 to me in appreciating that

Speaker 21 it takes an extra amount of time, not only for Brendan to unfold himself

Speaker 20 and get out of the Kia Soul or whatever you're driving these days, but also that it will take Emily probably 30 to 45 minutes just to bring the seat forward

Speaker 19 in the car and to adjust the weirdly adjusted mirrors for this monster that you're in a relationship with.

Speaker 26 30 seconds.

Speaker 59 This beautiful monster.

Speaker 21 I'm sorry.

Speaker 34 I'm sorry.

Speaker 13 You know I love you.

Speaker 19 That said, you bring no empirical evidence that it would take more time to switch than it would be to find another parking space. And I believe it takes a long time to find a parking space.

Speaker 19 So I think you need to do it at least five five times and get a little stopwatch and see exactly how long it takes so you actually have some data to back up your claims.

Speaker 52 Until then, let Emily park the car.

Speaker 52 Thank you, Emily and Brendan.

Speaker 6 Please welcome to the stage Peter and Tatya.

Speaker 61 Peter and Tatya, welcome.

Speaker 19 Who seeks justice in my court?

Speaker 65 That would be me, Your Honor.

Speaker 19 Peter, and are you from the state of Maine?

Speaker 13 No. Okay.

Speaker 34 Tatya?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 12 No?

Speaker 24 Where did you meet?

Speaker 26 On Martha's Vineyard. I was working there and he was

Speaker 65 living on Cape Todd.

Speaker 29 Across the west.

Speaker 19 Those are both parts of the state of

Speaker 27 Commonwealth. Yeah, we did meet in Massachusetts.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 13 Interesting.

Speaker 19 So, all right, so welcome to Maine.

Speaker 19 Peter, you are the one who seeks justice.

Speaker 65 What is the nature of your complaint? So, our dispute is in regards to where it is and is not appropriate for a dog to be walked in our small coastal tourist town on Mount Desert Island.

Speaker 11 You live in Bar Harbor?

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's the one.

Speaker 12 Sorry, were you trying to get into secrets?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 48 There's so many Tatias in the world.

Speaker 40 So you have a dog?

Speaker 52 What is the name of your dog?

Speaker 26 His name's Buddy.

Speaker 17 Buddy. And you like to walk your buddy all over Bar Harbor, even places where Buddy shouldn't be?

Speaker 26 That's debatable. That's why we're here.

Speaker 26 But yes, I love to walk him all over.

Speaker 47 What kind of places is Tatia walking buddy where you feel it's inappropriate?

Speaker 65 So throughout our neighborhood, there are a lot of varying,

Speaker 65 sorry, there's a variety of different lawn signs with varying degrees of specificity.

Speaker 65 This can range from a neon sign that says no poop and pee with a crossed out picture of a dog pooping and then a picture of a police badge and a security camera on it.

Speaker 65 All the way down to what I find to be the most tasteful, which is a demure little iron dog in the shape of a dog pooping. It says no emblazoned on it.

Speaker 3 And I think that if one of these...

Speaker 14 Iron, like wrought iron? Like a wrought iron. It's either wrought or cast.

Speaker 66 I don't know which one it is.

Speaker 19 It's a classy town bar harbor.

Speaker 65 Yeah,

Speaker 65 they're very small. They're like just a couple inches off the ground.

Speaker 14 So you see them as you walk the dog.

Speaker 6 It's an enameled cast iron. It's a Le Cruset.

Speaker 65 My thinking is that if one of these

Speaker 65 signs exists, just don't walk the dog near the signs or on the lawn with the signs. It's better safe than silent.

Speaker 44 Tatya, you love those signs.

Speaker 8 You like to get right up near them.

Speaker 26 I take a sign at face value, right? So those metal signs with a dog pooping and it says no, that sign says no pooping. So I don't let buddy poop on their yard, but like he can go sniff some grass.

Speaker 57 Nowhere in the rule book does it say a dog can't play basketball while shitting on this lawn.

Speaker 38 That's the hare we're splitting today in Bar Harbor.

Speaker 26 So if you don't want dogs on your lawn, why would you elect to purchase a sign that has a silhouette of a dog pooping? I feel like it's very unappealing to look at, but you bought it.

Speaker 57 Do you think the intention is, please let your dog poop here?

Speaker 26 No, no, no, they don't want your dog to poop there, so I don't, I know when he's gonna.

Speaker 17 You're walking, buddy, on other people's lawns.

Speaker 14 No, no, no.

Speaker 26 We're on the sidewalk, and like he goes, you know, two feet off the sidewalk into their into their there.

Speaker 45 Look, I know that property is theft and criminal, but it is the system that unfortunately we live in.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 47 So

Speaker 60 you believe that the rules don't apply to buddy?

Speaker 35 No, no, no.

Speaker 26 I don't think that what they're trying to say is like, no dogs on my lawn.

Speaker 26 I really think that people in that town, in Burr Harbor, like all winter long, they just let their dog poop on lawns and don't pick it up.

Speaker 14 Joel, you have a dog?

Speaker 8 Yes, I do. What's the name of your dog?

Speaker 19 Sweetie Pie. Sweetie Pie, the dog.
I got a picture of that dog.

Speaker 61 I'm going to show it to Jesse Thorne here if I can find it real quick.

Speaker 14 Sorry.

Speaker 36 Should have had this one queued up.

Speaker 6 Is it a nice dog?

Speaker 67 He's a miniature dachshund, long hair.

Speaker 13 And he's a boy named Sweetie Pie.

Speaker 6 Well, I'm a boy who's a sweetie pie.

Speaker 7 He is a sweetie pie.

Speaker 21 I wish I could share him with all of you.

Speaker 20 Where does Sweetie Pie go to the bathroom, Joel?

Speaker 36 On other people's lawns?

Speaker 12 Living room.

Speaker 26 That's very cute.

Speaker 13 Very cute.

Speaker 26 That's a classic Maine Beach right there.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 22 So have you ever been chased off a lawn before?

Speaker 31 Has anyone ever complained about Tatia, Peter?

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 3 Not to my recollection.

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 43 Tatia, not something that happened in secret that you're withholding right now?

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 22 No, Your Honor.

Speaker 47 So what would you have me rule, Peter?

Speaker 65 I would say just if there is a sign that indicates no dog, whether it's no pooping or any degree of anti-dog sentiment to keep the dog off the lawn so that I don't have to have anxiety about it.

Speaker 40 Tati, you know what these signs mean.

Speaker 25 I, okay. You know what the intention is.

Speaker 20 They would rather not have a dog on their lawn.

Speaker 26 It's a really unclear sign then. That's all I'm saying.
I will happily keep him off their lawn, but that's a bad sign if that's what you mean. There's so many other ones.

Speaker 26 In the neighborhood, there's a dog, the exact same silhouette that says, please keep off the grass. That's very clear.
I will happily follow that. But the sign says, no pooping.

Speaker 26 He's not pooping there.

Speaker 21 All right.

Speaker 21 Here's what I'm going to say.

Speaker 52 You're arguing in incredibly poor faith.

Speaker 28 And

Speaker 47 much like the arguments that people make about whether or not it's okay to go and refill your soda from a fountain machine in a restaurant.

Speaker 39 And they're like, is that okay? Is that okay?

Speaker 35 All you have to do is ask.

Speaker 19 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 52 Like, you can find out if it's okay.

Speaker 19 I imagine if you were to knock on the door and say, Can I walk my dog across your lawn?

Speaker 42 I know you got that sign there, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Speaker 40 Cool, because I said on stage in Portland that,

Speaker 22 but you haven't been chased off a lawn yet.

Speaker 19 And here's the thing: I'm going to allow you to keep doing this, even though it makes Peter very uncomfortable, and even though you're arguing in terribly bad faith, because

Speaker 28 I want to, when when I come back to Bar Harbor, I want to see you getting yelled at.

Speaker 57 I want this, this confrontation is inevitable.

Speaker 28 I don't care enough about assholes who own property in Bar Harbor's lawns to do anything about it.

Speaker 22 But I do look forward to the reckoning.

Speaker 19 that you will eventually face.

Speaker 52 And I love Bar Harbor and I love visiting.

Speaker 24 And someday I'm going to be up there, I'm going to be going to that weird movie theater where they put an intermission in the middle of nope for no reason to sell their bad pizza.

Speaker 39 I'm going to be taking a little break, and I want to see.

Speaker 20 I'm like, oh, there's Tatya.

Speaker 40 Oh, and she's being yelled at finally.

Speaker 38 And she's holding her own, I don't doubt.

Speaker 25 Maybe you'll win the battle. Maybe you're right.

Speaker 52 Maybe I'm wrong, but I want to see the confrontation.

Speaker 19 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 6 Thank you, Peter and Tatya.

Speaker 66 You know, we've been doing my my brother, my brother, me for 15 years. And

Speaker 66 maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

Speaker 68 But no, no, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Speaker 66 Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

Speaker 35 The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

Speaker 66 We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

Speaker 26 And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

Speaker 66 So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 26 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 6 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 26 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 13 Episode 64.

Speaker 26 So, how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 26 Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 54 Oh, we're ruined!

Speaker 26 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.

Speaker 49 Woo! I'm Dr. Ella Hubber.

Speaker 37 I'm regular Tom Lum.

Speaker 26 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 26 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 6 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 1 Well, we're right in the middle of the fun in Portland, Maine. We are actually headed back to Portland, Maine shortly, as well as much of the rest of New England, whatever that is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got a message. It's a region of southeastern Canada.
I got a message, though, from my friends and family in Brookline, Massachusetts, who didn't get tickets to the show.

Speaker 14 Too bad.

Speaker 2 It's sold out in Brookline. But guess what? Not very far away.
Take a little weekend trip to Portland, Maine, or Turner's Falls, or even beautiful Burlington, Vermont.

Speaker 2 We'll be there in early November performing for you and bringing justice finally to these regions of New England.

Speaker 2 And then early in the new year, we'll be going to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco, Los Angeles. Come visit the road court and see us on tour.

Speaker 2 Maximumfund.org slash events for tickets. And of course, maximumfund.org slash jjho for disputes that you might want adjudicated live live on stage in any of these places.

Speaker 1 That's maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho to submit those disputes in all of those places and grab those tickets at maximumfund.org slash events.

Speaker 2 Let's get back to the stage in Portland, Maine.

Speaker 6 Let's welcome to the stage Joel and Michelle.

Speaker 6 Hello.

Speaker 57 How are you, Your Honor?

Speaker 6 So it was Joel and Michelle.

Speaker 44 Joel.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 2 Should there be someone with you?

Speaker 69 Yes, sir.

Speaker 6 It says Joel and Michelle. Joel and Michelle.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 59 Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Speaker 25 It's Joel Mann as the other litigant.

Speaker 7 Oh, no.

Speaker 34 Oh, no.

Speaker 21 Michelle, it's so nice to meet you.

Speaker 35 As many of you may know, during the summertime, I will go and record the Judge John Hodgman podcast in the solar-powered studios of WERU Community Radio,

Speaker 19 which you can listen to, and I often do at weru.org, wherever you are in the world.

Speaker 16 Joel, you are the program director, operations manager,

Speaker 15 everything.

Speaker 14 Joel is, well, okay, program director, let's say.

Speaker 70 What is it, Joel?

Speaker 67 Program and operations director.

Speaker 29 Oh, wow.

Speaker 47 P-A-O-D.

Speaker 14 Right. Tough job.

Speaker 14 Tough job.

Speaker 14 Love it.

Speaker 6 Director of Scallop Procurement.

Speaker 19 Yeah, director of Evening Out the C D's on the Shelf.

Speaker 39 So many CDs.

Speaker 22 While I was there over the summer, I met your son-in-law, Brie.

Speaker 62 Brie.

Speaker 39 From that region of France that I don't remember.

Speaker 32 I've not yet met his wife, your daughter, but it's nice to get to know another member of the family.

Speaker 36 You bring the case against Joel Mann.

Speaker 42 I do. How could you be angry at him?

Speaker 23 Come on.

Speaker 34 Oh, I'm not angry.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 45 Vengeful?

Speaker 45 What's the nature of your dispute?

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 69 for 18 years since we built our house, I've wanted not a fancy pool, just an above-ground pool for me and eventually our grandchildren and for my dog, Sweetie Pie.

Speaker 40 You want a swimming pool for your dog and your future grandchildren?

Speaker 69 And for my girlfriends so we can have cocktails and swim.

Speaker 52 And you have to admit, Joel, we are reaching a point in Maine's climate where it might be comfortable to be in a swimming pool at some point.

Speaker 69 So true.

Speaker 52 Why have you denied your wife a swimming pool, Joel?

Speaker 67 I just don't think I'd go in it that much

Speaker 70 because it is cold up there and maybe you go... I mean, we don't even go in the water.

Speaker 13 Right?

Speaker 36 Well, there's a difference between the ocean and a swimming pool.

Speaker 18 Well, I got her a pool, okay?

Speaker 17 You got her a pool.

Speaker 13 I got her a pool.

Speaker 19 Describe the pool that you got her.

Speaker 67 Well, it's not huge.

Speaker 70 It does have a big screen TV and a wine bar.

Speaker 70 And

Speaker 67 I don't know why she doesn't like it.

Speaker 33 I have a photo of it, and I might venture to say that it's because it's a kiddie pool on a dick.

Speaker 19 Chesse, you want to take a look at this?

Speaker 69 It's five inches tall.

Speaker 6 So, what I'm seeing here is

Speaker 6 I'm seeing a temporary kiddie pool. I'm going to guess five feet across.

Speaker 6 The big screen TV appears to be, I'm going to say, a 21-inch computer monitor.

Speaker 6 And the wine bar is a compact igloo cooler

Speaker 6 with a box of wine on top.

Speaker 17 Sweetie Pie liked it.

Speaker 6 There is, to be fair, a rubber lobster in there, which is fun. Sure.

Speaker 52 Very much on brand.

Speaker 20 I'm sure Sweetie Pie loves it a lot, but what about your other Sweetie Pie?

Speaker 46 How long have you been asking for a pool, Michelle?

Speaker 2 18 years.

Speaker 34 18 years.

Speaker 69 And I'm not getting any younger, so.

Speaker 13 Strange, I am.

Speaker 69 We don't really like like to go to the beach that much and explain.

Speaker 59 No, why would you?

Speaker 17 I know where you live.

Speaker 19 Joel, do you think that Michelle's expectation of what she wants out of a pool is more grand than she represents?

Speaker 67 Oh, no, absolutely not.

Speaker 70 No, I just don't want to have to clean a pool. fill up a pool, empty a pool.

Speaker 30 Pay for a pool.

Speaker 65 Pay for a pool.

Speaker 6 Come on, how big a deal can it be to pay for this pool? You run a community radio station.

Speaker 67 Very true. Very true.

Speaker 6 Spend a few of those jazz bucks.

Speaker 19 Yeah, maybe sell a couple old Joe Bird and the field hippies records, get some money for the pool that way.

Speaker 19 Can you make any argument whatsoever why I shouldn't rule in Michelle's favor?

Speaker 60 Obviously she's impatient. Obviously you love her.

Speaker 19 Obviously Sweetie Pie and the future grandchildren would all be very happy in there.

Speaker 28 What about her girlfriends?

Speaker 52 Why not do it?

Speaker 32 Why not splurge?

Speaker 67 Really doesn't seem a good reason, does it?

Speaker 52 No, you better come up with one.

Speaker 6 It's cold in Maine.

Speaker 67 Yeah, I mean, we have friends who have one, and we go over there maybe three times a summer. I mean, you have about three days in the summer you can swim in Maine.

Speaker 19 Yeah, but you know that's going to change.

Speaker 19 I think prepare for the future. Get your wife a pool, Joel.

Speaker 6 Sorry.

Speaker 6 Thank you, Joel and Michelle.

Speaker 1 That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Thanks to Redditor Kingstork for naming the case in this episode.
You can follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 1 We're on YouTube and TikTok at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Speaker 2 And speaking of Maine, I have to send a special thank you to Matt, who gave us a nice rating and five stars over at Apple Podcast saying, sorry to buzz market, but I finally tried Moxie and I didn't even have to go to New England, a region of northeastern United States of America.

Speaker 2 Matt says, it's not bad. Thanks, Judge Sean Hodgman.
Thank you, Matt, so much. And if you, the listener, enjoy the show, why not leave a review over there on Apple Podcasts?

Speaker 2 You can also leave a review over there at Pocketcast now. So if you're listening there, leave a review over there.

Speaker 2 And or why not share one of our YouTube episodes with a friend or save and share our Instagram posts?

Speaker 2 Hitting all those little hearts and thumbs ups and especially shares on all of our platforms really does help people discover the show, and we're really grateful for it.

Speaker 2 Oh, and by the way, if you hate computers and you don't use any of that stuff, whoo, you must be living a wonderful life. Good for you.

Speaker 2 But it's still a great day to tell a friend or a family member about the show using your own mouth.

Speaker 14 Or, as I say, bring them to one of our live shows.

Speaker 2 Check out our schedule at maximumfund.org slash events. We're coming to New England soon.

Speaker 1 The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne. Our touring producer on that tour was Laura Valk.

Speaker 1 This episode was recorded by Stephen Cologne. Natty Lopez is our social media manager.
AJ McKeon is our podcast editor. Daniel Speer is our video producer.
Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Speaker 1 We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 56 Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows.

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