Alliums For Life

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne, and this week we are clearing out that docket.
It's all gunked up, John.

Speaker 2 We gotta dockets all gunked.

Speaker 1 We gotta wash it out.

Speaker 2 We gotta get that de-gunker. We gotta get that

Speaker 2 Googon.

Speaker 2 You ever use that product, Goo Gone?

Speaker 1 Oh, Googon's an incredible product. I know all about all the varietal versions of Googon because my father-in-law, until recently, was the manager of a hardware store.

Speaker 1 So i could call him and be like what product with goo in the name should i purchase for x

Speaker 1 that and like what type of glue do i need to glue this to that were his greatest expertises oh wow you could probably still call him he probably still has that expertise you know yeah no he left it behind at the store no

Speaker 2 now it's all daiquis and fishing they had to jack him into the web and remove that information from his from his wetwear my father-in-law's the best.

Speaker 2 Hey, as we record this, we just finished our first leg of the Judge John Hodgman Road Court tour. We had a very good time, would you say, Jesse?

Speaker 1 I had a great time. I mean, I'm only going to speak for myself, but I had a fantastic time.
I enjoyed visiting beautiful Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where I'd never been before and

Speaker 1 trying their famous C plus cookies.

Speaker 2 You're talking about at Eaton Park? Those cookies were good.

Speaker 1 Eaton Park smiley face cookies.

Speaker 2 Famous. famous Pittsburgh.

Speaker 1 Might as well just bought them at the Kroger.

Speaker 2 Now, let's see if I can remember the 10 locations of Eaton Park. There's Robinson,

Speaker 2 there's

Speaker 2 Waterside, Waterworks, McKnight Boulevard. I can't remember.
We had a good time in Pittsburgh. Great time in Philadelphia as well in DC, New York City.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you something. Some people say a thing that's fun is like a hoot and a half.
You've heard that before. Hoot and a half? Sure.
Two full hoots.

Speaker 1 Two hoots. The extra half hoot is for hanging out with John Hodgman's aunts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in Philadelphia, that was a lot of fun. Hey, do you hate fun?

Speaker 2 Well, then I got nothing for you. But if you like fun, you should join us.
Right now, we just got back from leg one of the tour as we're recording.

Speaker 2 But as you're listening to this, in the not-too-distant future, at this very moment, Jesse and I are probably on a boat.

Speaker 2 We're probably on a fast ferry speeding across Lake Michigan from Michigan to Wisconsin so that we may join you once again in our beloved, crooked, majestic theater in the great city of Madison, Wisconsin on Thursday, September 26th, followed closely after that by St.

Speaker 2 Paul at the Fitzgerald Theater. Tickets are still available there at St.
Paul and in Madison, two of our very favorite cities.

Speaker 2 So please take a fast ferry to your internet connection and navigate right now to maximumfund.org slash events. We'll wait while you do it, right, Jesse? Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Speaker 1 They did it, John.

Speaker 2 Good job, everybody. But now we got to degunk that docket.

Speaker 1 Here's a case from Alexandra. My husband, Josh, calls eggs hot ovum

Speaker 1 constantly. It's disgusting.
I also worry this will interfere with the nutritional needs of our son, whom we are raising to be vegetarian.

Speaker 1 It's hard to find sources of protein that a one-year-old will eat regularly. Even our sister-in-law says she now can't see eggs without thinking hot ovum.

Speaker 1 Make Josh stop.

Speaker 1 A nation of vegetarians just became vegan just from me saying that twice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wonder how I'm going to rule on this one. Here's the thing.
This reminds me of

Speaker 2 my very dear friend, Amy Radford, whom I've known since high school. Hi, Amy, listener to this podcast, lives out there in Seattle.
Hope to see her in Seattle in January.

Speaker 2 Amy Radford has said two things, many things that have stuck with me, but two that I think about probably once a week.

Speaker 2 One is when she's telling a story when she was working on a restaurant on the South Shore or North Shore of Massachusetts.

Speaker 2 And the manager came out one day and said to all the employees, All right, if anyone asks you if we use real butter, the answer is no. What we use is called swirl.

Speaker 2 It's a butter substitute, and it's goddamn delicious.

Speaker 2 Best Boston accent I can do, even having grown up there. And then the other thing Amy said was a much more personal crie de cur,

Speaker 2 as they say in La Belle, France.

Speaker 2 She said something we were having breakfast at a diner or something. She goes, all I want in life is an egg heated to perfection.
Is that so wrong?

Speaker 2 That's my favorite food is an egg heated to perfection. Instead, we got hot ovum, H-O-T-O-V-U-M, turn disgusting up to 10.
That's my riff on a very famous song of the summer, Hot to Go by Chapel Rohn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is gross. Wouldn't you say, Jesse, hot ovum? First of all, it's wrong.

Speaker 2 If you go to our friends at the Merriam-Webster dictionary, who are right about everything except the fact that a hot dog is not a sandwich, unless you're talking about one single egg heated to perfection, what you're talking about is hot ova, not hot ovum.

Speaker 2 Hot ova.

Speaker 2 Hot ova.

Speaker 2 But either way, that's not less disgusting.

Speaker 2 Here's what I have to say about this. I mean, it's it's gross, right, Jesse?

Speaker 1 It's profoundly gross. It's really disgusting.

Speaker 2 And the thing that, the thing that

Speaker 2 the thing is, though, that Alexandra pulls a maneuver here. It's just, it's simply gross.
That's all you had to say. Hot oven is gross.
Tell him to stop.

Speaker 2 But Alexandra pulls a maneuver here that I'd like to highlight. This is a maneuver that litigants sometimes use that I typically do not like, which is the think of the children argument.

Speaker 2 Like when the litigant goes, I'm worried that if my partner keeps spreading this slander, our child will grow up thinking a hot dog is a sandwich or whatever it is that they're upset about their partner saying or whatever joke.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't like dragging the kids into it. You know,

Speaker 2 your disgust or distaste is enough for the most part.

Speaker 2 And in this case, your one-year-old is not likely to be grossed out by hot OVA in any form unless you or someone else demonstrates how much it grosses you out.

Speaker 2 Then they'll mirror your reaction to your disgusting husband, Josh.

Speaker 2 They'll just grow up saying hot ova like it's normal, like, I'd like to hot over easy, please. And then they'll be shunned by everyone in a pariah in their community.
But that's for later.

Speaker 2 That's not for now.

Speaker 2 But you're right. You're not wrong, Alexandria, in this case, to think of the children because you are, as you say, raising a vegetarian, and that takes a measure of some responsibility.
I mean,

Speaker 2 it's very healthy for kids to be raised vegetarian, but I trust, obviously, you're consulting with your pediatrician to make sure that your kid is getting all of the protein and iron and B12.

Speaker 2 It's not always easy to source in a vegetarian diet. And I'm sure you're doing that.
And eggs, of course, are not a form of protein that you want to turn your nose up at

Speaker 2 or get your child to turn your nose up at. So yeah, I agree.
There's no need for you to be grossed out in your own life.

Speaker 2 And I think Josh needs to stop saying hot ovum or hot ova from now on.

Speaker 2 Just say, hey, look at those eggs heated to perfection.

Speaker 2 They're my favorite food, I would say, Jesse Thorne. You know know what? My favorite food is scrambled eggs, probably.

Speaker 2 Egg sandwich is the most.

Speaker 1 Eggs are the subject of one of my favorite children's books of all time.

Speaker 1 Chickens Aren't the Only Ones by Ruth Heller. Have you ever read that one?

Speaker 2 No, is it a sequel to Everyone Poops?

Speaker 1 No, it's way better than Everyone Poops. Sorry, Everyone Poops, You're Cute and everything.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 You're telling the truth.

Speaker 1 Chickens Aren't the Only Ones is an awesome rhyming book with wonderful illustrations about all the different animals that lay eggs.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 1 You know, chickens lay the eggs you buy, the eggs you boil or fry. Well, that's all there is in the preview on Google.

Speaker 2 I'm sold already. I love it.
What's the strangest egg you've ever eaten?

Speaker 2 I mean, I've had a duck egg, I'm pretty sure. I've probably had a goose egg.

Speaker 1 I would love to even eat an ostrich egg. Have you ever had like a sea urchin egg or something?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, I don't know. I've had caviar, right? So that's a bunch of different little eggs.
Yeah. That's true.
I hadn't thought about that.

Speaker 1 I've had caviar. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't love it.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about shelled eggs, though. I mean, they're, they're, they used to sell at the Whole Foods in Western Massachusetts,

Speaker 2 they used to sell emu eggs, which are about, they're about as large as ostrich eggs, maybe a little smaller, but they're a deep, a deep, like teal color. They're otherworldly.

Speaker 2 And I said, uh,

Speaker 2 what do you use these for? And said, and the guy at the store said, Party omelet.

Speaker 2 Because they're so big. Yeah, sure.
You're making a lie. Look, you know, each one is like a half a dozen eggs in itself.
Party omelette.

Speaker 1 You know what kind of egg I'd like to eat?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Dinosaur egg.

Speaker 2 No, don't eat a dinosaur egg just.

Speaker 1 I want to eat the dinosaur eggs, otherwise, these dinosaurs are going to get loose. They're going to get off the island.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Nature does find a way.

Speaker 1 If I don't eat those dinosaur eggs now.

Speaker 2 What if that were a

Speaker 2 plotline in Jurassic Worlds or whatever? This guy just goes like, I'm just going to eat all the eggs. Simple.

Speaker 2 Problem solved.

Speaker 1 That's Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park 2. That's like the big difference between, you know, people are always complaining about how his character turns into an action hero in Jurassic Park 2.

Speaker 2 The Lost World, Jurassic Park again, or whatever?

Speaker 1 Yeah, which is a dope movie, by the way. I watched that recently.
It's a pretty good movie.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Very exciting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The big difference is he's, he, all of a sudden, he knows how to like use a gun or whatever. And then also he's constantly poking holes in dinosaur eggs and sucking out the inside.

Speaker 1 Like he's going to make dinosaur pisanki.

Speaker 2 I'd watch Jeff Goldblum making eggs all day long. Give him another show.

Speaker 1 Pisanki is the highest calling of egg, by the way. Sorry,

Speaker 1 sorry, omelette. It's like Ukrainian egg art.

Speaker 2 Oh, sure. Okay, I got you.
That very intricate.

Speaker 2 beautifully decorated eggs.

Speaker 1 Those rule.

Speaker 2 And you blow out the, like you put a hole in it and you blow out the insides.

Speaker 1 Or if you're Jeff Goldblum, you suck it out and swallow it down.

Speaker 2 That's right, nature. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, Josh, I know it gives you a little chuckle to call these eggs hot ovum, but stop grossing out your family, your wife, your sister-in-law, and eventually your own child, and just call them what they are.

Speaker 2 Eggs heated to perfection.

Speaker 2 That's the sound of a real-life gavel. I just reached behind me and and I gaveled it, Jesse.

Speaker 1 All right. Here's a case from Nathaniel in Bel Air, Maryland.
This one's for Jesse.

Speaker 2 John, that's me.

Speaker 1 That's me, John.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 we got a hot docket coming at you.

Speaker 1 My dispute is with menswear because it's boring.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 1 My brother is getting married in October. The invite calls for sport coat or blazer.
I don't know what to wear. This is further complicated by being genderqueer.

Speaker 2 I want to look queer AF, but well put together.

Speaker 1 My ideal ruling is that Jesse admits that menswear is boring and men should express themselves using more colors. Input on the outfit for the wedding would also be welcome.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I mean,

Speaker 2 you have to admit, Jesse, that menswear is boring, particularly when you look at the history of menswear. Never, never

Speaker 2 have genderqueer male-identifying people

Speaker 2 ever put on an interesting interesting suit

Speaker 2 or ever

Speaker 2 ever had style. You know what I mean? Like it's impossible.

Speaker 1 At the end of the day, if you want to tell, if you want someone to agree with you that menswear is boring, you're going to want to turn to someone who's dedicated roughly 35% of their professional life to menswear.

Speaker 2 Look, I just want to say, I feel for you, Nathaniel, and I'm sure Jesse does too. It's really,

Speaker 2 it's really hard to figure out what to wear at a wedding, particularly sport coat or blazer.

Speaker 2 What do you think about, what's your opinion on that as a as a suggested dress code for a wedding, sport coat or blazer?

Speaker 1 I think it's totally fine.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 I think it's relatively clear.

Speaker 1 I think it is

Speaker 1 more clear than the sort of business casual or

Speaker 1 semi-formal, those sorts of things which tend to result in uncles wearing Tommy Bahama shirts no matter what.

Speaker 2 Well, can they ever be stopped?

Speaker 1 Can uncles be stopped from wearing Tommy Bahama shirts?

Speaker 2 Can uncles be stopped at all, but yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Can baby boomers be stopped from complaining about having to put on monkey suits?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 those dudes are inseparable. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 Uh, the invite calls for sport coat or blazer. I don't know what to wear.

Speaker 1 Wear a sport coat or a blazer.

Speaker 1 Done.

Speaker 1 It's not your wedding. Like, I appreciate and support your identity and your

Speaker 1 feeling like you want your clothes to express your identity. It's also not your wedding.
One of the central principles of dressing for a wedding is

Speaker 1 that it is essentially the guest's job to frame the couple being married or the more than couple being married. I don't care about that part.

Speaker 1 I think your responsibility in dressing for a wedding is not to be distinctive, but in fact, to some extent, it is the opposite. It is to

Speaker 1 show in your dress that you are a member of the community that is supporting the couple who are being married.

Speaker 2 It is

Speaker 2 a good point.

Speaker 1 A wedding is fundamentally an expression of,

Speaker 1 if not conformity, then at least belonging. That's why there are dress codes at weddings.
I think if

Speaker 1 this were a wedding where the expectation was that everyone wears the wildest thing they can think of, of which there are many weddings,

Speaker 1 then go to town. It's not like I don't feel that there only has to be one type of wedding.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I'm not into bride or groomzillas either.

Speaker 1 But I do do think that part of what the wedding is about is expressing through ceremony and aesthetics a coherent community that is in support and celebration of

Speaker 1 the people being married.

Speaker 2 Right. I mean, that's why you don't want to wear a white dress to

Speaker 2 a wedding. You don't, you know, because you might accidentally get married.

Speaker 2 You don't want to draw attention from the couple who are celebrating their love. You want to celebrate their love as a supporting character, for sure.

Speaker 2 But that doesn't mean that Nathaniel can't look great, right? I mean, it's not at all a crime to look great.

Speaker 1 No, of course not. And I, you know, I don't know what Nathaniel's ordinary gender expression is or

Speaker 1 what the social expectations for Nathaniel's gender expression are in their community. And like, certainly within

Speaker 1 those bounds, there's plenty of opportunity to be genderqueer.

Speaker 1 But I think what's really important is to remember that it's

Speaker 1 more about expressing your membership in this community of people that love the people who are being married than it is about your individual expression, right? So, if you are going to express

Speaker 1 your gender queerness by

Speaker 1 in a community where that will be really distinctive, I would say just

Speaker 1 think about what is the way to do that that feels true to you, that does not feel like a distraction from everything else.

Speaker 1 And ask yourself,

Speaker 1 what kinds of choices can feel good and suitable to me

Speaker 1 that also

Speaker 1 feel like they

Speaker 1 won't simply be a shift in focus of the wedding from the people who are getting married to me.

Speaker 2 Now, here's something in Nathaniel's favor, which is that it is called for sport coat or blazer. I think there's a lot that gives the person a lot of leeway

Speaker 2 to, well, I mean, a sport coat or a blazer is

Speaker 2 a little less formal than a suit, right? And introduces the possibility of exactly what Nathaniel is hoping for, a little bit more color, right? Because aren't blazers typically

Speaker 2 non-traditional colors?

Speaker 1 Sport coats and blazer. Well, blazers, you know, the classic blazer is going to be navy blue.
Right. But,

Speaker 1 you know, sport coats are often very boldly patterned. You know, I don't know like the rest of, I don't know if this is a summer wedding outdoors or a winter wedding in a meat locker

Speaker 1 or like, you know, whether this is Palm Beach or Boston, Massachusetts. you know what i mean culturally speaking yeah i would say that uh it's very possible for example that a men's skirt suit um

Speaker 1 or a

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 1 mask women's suit would both be appropriate like it really depends on cultural context that is difficult to convey in a four-sentence email from Nathaniel.

Speaker 1 But I think Nathaniel will have a better sense of that than I.

Speaker 2 Like ultimately,

Speaker 1 you know, we got a lot of emails that put this on over the years about what should I wear to this wedding.

Speaker 1 And there is a certain extent to which you really just have to read the room, right? Like, you know, you know, the people who are getting married.

Speaker 1 You know, like, look, my, my best friend Pete got married last year in Newark.

Speaker 2 Congratulations, Pete.

Speaker 1 Pete is a professional musician. All his,

Speaker 1 you know, friends and acquaintances, and his wife is a professional costume designer.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 All their friends and acquaintances work in creative fields in New Orleans and the Bay Area.

Speaker 1 You know, many of them are in

Speaker 1 makeup and costume. Many of them are professional musicians themselves.
And

Speaker 1 they're really, it would be very difficult to find an outfit that would distract from the couple in that context. Like Like if one of the guests showed up in that full-on Bjork

Speaker 1 swan suit,

Speaker 2 like probably that would have been fine at that particular wedding.

Speaker 1 The venue happened to have a lot of taxidermied animals and they might have had a drink set down on them.

Speaker 1 But other than that, I think it would have been fine, like culturally speaking.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 1 I think really

Speaker 1 it's a matter of like all dress is communication

Speaker 1 between

Speaker 1 you and the outside world

Speaker 1 about how you are, what you are, and

Speaker 1 how you fit into that world.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 And sometimes expressing our individuality is paramount and sometimes our expression of membership in a community is paramount, right? And in and in indeed, by

Speaker 1 saying they want to look queer AF, they're talking about expressing membership in a community. But at a wedding in particular,

Speaker 1 your goal is to express your membership in this community of people who are supporting

Speaker 1 the people who are getting married. And

Speaker 1 that's also true in other contexts like funerals, right?

Speaker 1 Like the reason that we all dress in a certain way at a funeral, which is to say we all dress monochromatically, typically in black, is not because black is like a magical color that,

Speaker 1 you know, magically supports sadness. It's because that is a cultural expectation that allows us all to know if we wear black, we are...

Speaker 1 expressing through our clothes that we are part of this group of mourners who are honoring those closest to the person who has passed away and also honoring the person who's passed away, right?

Speaker 1 And so for a wedding, your job is similar.

Speaker 2 It's a different type of event

Speaker 1 and many weddings don't require the most conservative forms of dress,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 your first and foremost job is to respect the needs of that community and basically behave in a way that is supportive of the people who are getting married.

Speaker 2 I think that Nathaniel can find a way to look amazing. I think that Nathaniel can find a way to look queer AF

Speaker 2 that does not itself distract from the excitement of the day for the couple who are getting married.

Speaker 2 And I would definitely say that menswear is not boring. No,

Speaker 2 at all, not even a little bit. And I wonder if there's some resources

Speaker 2 that you could point to, whether it's a book or a lookbook or a catalog or a brand,

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 might provide Nathaniel some guidance in putting together a look that can be

Speaker 2 individually stylish without taking away from the day.

Speaker 1 Well, I think that aesthetically, I mean, Nathaniel's name is Nathaniel, so I'm just going to assume that they're

Speaker 1 mask identified and looking to express some femininity in their masculinity.

Speaker 1 Sorry if that's not a correct assumption.

Speaker 2 We have he, him on the record for pronouns for Nathaniel. So if that's still active, we can,

Speaker 2 I think that's a relatively safe assumption. And if we're wrong, then we apologize.

Speaker 1 I think a great example of this is

Speaker 1 the looks that Tom Brown has created over the years that involve skirts. And Tom Brown has also created some looks that have some other wonderful stuff, like three-legged suits.

Speaker 1 He's made some really good good three-legged suits.

Speaker 2 Sold three-legged suit. Got it.

Speaker 1 But, you know, Tom Brown is a designer who, uh, whose legacy is sort of twofold.

Speaker 1 One is creating the

Speaker 1 or at least refining and popularizing

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 the silhouette that was most popular, sort of peaked in popularity 10 years ago, which is to say sort of a shorter coat, uh, thin short pants,

Speaker 1 you know, pants that sort of end at the ankle, no break,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 narrow lapels, kind of an exaggerated riff on a 1960s

Speaker 1 Ivy League style.

Speaker 1 You know, sort of looks a little bit like, if you're not familiar with Tom Brown, look a little bit like what Peewee Herman wears, right?

Speaker 2 Sure. In his suit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that look is essentially like a way of

Speaker 1 thinking about or

Speaker 1 describing the most conservative values of menswear in a new way, right?

Speaker 1 It's not a dramatic transformation. It's really just shrinking the proportions a little bit, but it has a completely different effect while remaining essentially a gray flannel suit, right? Right.

Speaker 1 One of the things that Tom Brown has done is made really beautiful suits with skirts for men, for men's bodies,

Speaker 1 or

Speaker 1 more typical men's bodies. And

Speaker 1 that aesthetic is one that,

Speaker 1 you know, in most play, there's certainly there's weddings you might go to where just a bunch of people might flip out because a dude's wearing a skirt.

Speaker 1 But on the scale of a dude's wearing a skirt, if that kind of genderqueer expression is really important to you, that's something that's going to be be really tasteful and beautiful.

Speaker 1 And also in its own way, not like loud in a way that says, look at me, look at me, look at me, rather than look at the people on the dais.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 And I think that is an example of an expression. Like I would say, if I was going to wear

Speaker 1 specifically femme-coated clothing

Speaker 1 as someone who's, you know, assigned male at birth, using he, him, pronouns and stuff, which is what we know about Nathaniel. Like I would think about like,

Speaker 1 what are the ways to do that while leaving everything else on the conservative side so that this point of difference doesn't overwhelm everything else? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's not a 10,000 points of difference

Speaker 1 so that it can still feel respectful to the community expectations there while feeling, again, true to themselves.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to,

Speaker 2 your vibe should not be like, haha, I tricked you. I'm wearing a sport code, but look at me.
Right. You know,

Speaker 2 your vibe, Nathaniel, should be, I look incredible. And you'll know it when you wear it.
And obviously, Tom, you may not want a skirted suit. And Tom Brown is a pretty high price tag for.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I'm not suggesting that you have to wear the Tom Brown version.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. But I just,

Speaker 1 in terms of lookbooks, you could look at.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, no.

Speaker 2 I'm looking at Tom Brown's website now under the

Speaker 2 sport jacket and sport coat and tailoring section. And there's some, you know, there's some incredible looks in here that might

Speaker 2 guide you when you're maybe going through eBay or put this on shop or whatever, trying to find a vintage piece that you love or a less expensive suit that you love.

Speaker 2 But in terms of fitting and styling, this is a good place to start. And certainly none of it is boring.
And, you know, I'm sorry, Nathaniel, I think Jesse has been

Speaker 2 very considerate and not bringing the gavel down on you, but your premise is incorrect. I'm going to bring it down.
Menswear is not boring.

Speaker 2 It is a wonderful way to express yourself, as you will see when you look as queer AF and as great AF as you are going to when you get to this wedding. And congratulations to your brother.

Speaker 2 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 1 Let's take a quick break to hear from this week's partners. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 1 You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
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Speaker 1 Welcome back to the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket and we've got something here from Selly.
My girlfriend Amber is obsessed with making me eat onions.

Speaker 1 We're not here to kink shame. She puts them on everything.
Burgers, fish, pizza. Amber says that onion always enhances the flavor.
I despise onions.

Speaker 1 I'm never going to like them, no matter how many times Amber puts them on the food. Adding crunchy, spicy water to my meal is the opposite of enticing.

Speaker 1 Please, Judge, allow me to shut down all attempts to add onion to my palate.

Speaker 2 Spicy, crunchy water. That's a good word painting, Sally.
Thank you. And it does make onions sound a little gross, even to me.
A person who loves onions,

Speaker 2 love them.

Speaker 2 In fact, if there's a choice and I know that they're going to be good and not bad, I'll choose onion rings over French fries every day, every day.

Speaker 1 Yep, me too.

Speaker 2 Like a bad onion ring. What kind of onion ring would you like, Jesse? Thick or thin?

Speaker 1 I probably, I like all kinds of onion ring.

Speaker 1 I probably

Speaker 2 want a thinner one.

Speaker 1 I do. You know what I really love? I really love like onion strings.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Those are really good.

Speaker 1 But I like, I love all kinds. I love like a puffy sort of tempura one.
I, I, I'm, I, I, I honestly even like,

Speaker 1 you know, the kind of frozen garbage onion rings you'd get at a fast food store or at the, you know, concession stand at the Little League Stadium.

Speaker 2 I was going to say the one thing that I don't like is when you have a thick onion ring and you bite into it and the whole onion comes out of the batter. Yeah, that's like a slimy worm.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's too onion-y.

Speaker 2 And yet, even then, I don't dislike it because then I get to have the onion, that spicy, crunchy water, and I get a dessert, which is the batter.

Speaker 2 And speaking of slimy worms, by the way, on the day we're recording, apparently, it's the birthday of Slimy the on Sesame Street.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday, Slimy.

Speaker 2 September 19th is the day we're recording. It's International Happy Birthday, Slimy Day.
Do you know? I had to look it up. Do you know what Slimy's parents are named?

Speaker 2 No, I don't. Dusty

Speaker 2 and Eartha. Eartha.
Eartha is a good one. Pretty brilliant.

Speaker 2 Dusty, honestly, B plus Sesame Street. Eartha, A plus.
Eartha, A plus, plus. As a name for a worm? Come on.

Speaker 1 They got that name out of their Eartha kit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But that said, I mean, some people really do find onions to be gross.
And obviously, Judge John Hodgman has a settled law is people like what they like. And there's a corollary.

Speaker 2 Some people hate onions.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Hey, Jennifer Marmer and Jesse Thorne, I want to ask you this question.
Sally gave

Speaker 2 three cases of onion contamination here.

Speaker 2 Burgers, fish, pizza. Would you, do you enjoy onions on a burger, either of you, both of you? Yeah.
Absolutely. Like, you have to have one or it's fine if there is one.

Speaker 1 I strongly prefer on a burger.

Speaker 1 Well, I actually can't eat a lot of raw onions because it's migraine sugar. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I

Speaker 1 do like

Speaker 1 cooked onions on my burger, grilled or

Speaker 2 like, you know, caramelized.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, if they're fully caramelized, that's a total dream.

Speaker 2 But the sort of like fake version of caramelized, just griddled for a while i like a grilled onion on my burger raw onion is unnecessary but it's a welcomed addition i may have posted about this on social media someone directed me to uh

Speaker 2 uh my hero jacques pepin the the chef

Speaker 2 did a demo on his youtube channel of james beard's favorite sandwich uh-huh it was just a raw onion sandwich Excuse me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What else is on the sandwich?

Speaker 2 And it's not even, I mean, this is the thing that maybe Amber doesn't understand, Sally, is that there are a lot of different kinds of onion, or maybe, Sally, you need to get into some like different

Speaker 2 form factors for onion because red onion is different than white onion or Spanish onion, and then Vidalia onion is quite sweet, and then you caramelize it, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 2 James Beard, according to Jacques Pepin, when he had people over, he would make them this sandwich. He would take spongy white bread, cut it out into circles, right?

Speaker 2 Like with a glass or a cookie cutter, right? Sure. And then thinly cut raw onion to fill up that circle.

Speaker 2 But before you put the onion between the two pieces of bread, you coat, slather both sides with mayonnaise. Oh, God.
Then you put the onion in. Hang on.
Hang on.

Speaker 2 Then now you have a disc, right? Which is bread, mayonnaise, onion, mayonnaise, bread, right? That's your sandwich.

Speaker 2 And around the periphery, slather more mayonnaise around the side so you can dip that in chives. Oh, my God.
So you dust the extra with more onions.

Speaker 2 I want to try this sandwich. It's so bad.
I'll eat onions all day long. I love them raw.
I love them raw on a burger. What about on a pizza?

Speaker 2 I'm going to say right now, best pizza that there is, jalapeno and red onion and pepperoni. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Incredible.

Speaker 1 I don't care if they're on a pizza. I'd eat them on a pizza.
I don't need them on a pizza.

Speaker 2 I can't think of a fish that I would put an onion on, though.

Speaker 2 That's where Amber, girlfriend Amber, is going too far as far as I'm concerned. That's not for me.

Speaker 1 I don't like fish, but one of the only things that holds my marriage together, other than, of course, decades of love, is that my wife also doesn't like fish, so she isn't constantly serving me fish and making me try and like it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. I'm not sold on onions on fish.

Speaker 2 And you don't have to be either, Sally.

Speaker 2 And Amber,

Speaker 2 you don't have to be forcing onions on someone who has an established position, which is don't like them. If you don't like them, you don't like them.
By the way, they're not entirely crowd pleasers.

Speaker 2 Like, it's not like as much as we all love onions, they are, they're, they're a real flavor. And if you don't like them, you don't like them.
But here's another possibility, Sally.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should cook for yourself.

Speaker 2 I mean, there is settled law in Judge John Hodgman that the person who does the work, you know, gets to decide whether it's, if you're driving, you get to pick the music.

Speaker 2 If you're loading the dishwasher, you're doing it correctly. You're doing it the way you want to do it.

Speaker 2 And I would imagine that if Amber is cooking and cooking and cooking and your complaint is, I don't like the onions, then that puts you in a little bit of a wine category, Sally.

Speaker 2 But perhaps you already cook for yourself and for Amber all the time. It's 50-50.
I don't mean to make presumptions here, but regardless, I would say, definitely, Amber, knock it off with the onions.

Speaker 2 You've tried out everything. You've even tried putting the onions on fish, and Sally is not buying the onion you're selling.
So stop it.

Speaker 1 I have to say, my first reaction to this is someone I do do the cooking in my household. And, you know, I cook in

Speaker 1 a largely

Speaker 1 American Anglo-Franco sort of continuum. You know,

Speaker 1 there's not a huge number of

Speaker 1 surprises in my food. It would be hard to exclude onions from

Speaker 1 savory foods. Like, onions are a base ingredient of almost all

Speaker 2 savory foods. It's a big struggle.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's how you build the flavor of like any broth, almost all the sauces.

Speaker 1 Like, if you're including all the forms of onions, you know,

Speaker 1 shallots and

Speaker 1 green onions and chives and

Speaker 1 all these other alliums.

Speaker 2 Alliums for life.

Speaker 1 Like, there's

Speaker 1 that's truly probably 75 plus percent of the things that you would cook that are, that are savory. Any

Speaker 1 meat dishes or,

Speaker 3 I mean, it's hard, but it's not impossible.

Speaker 2 My husband, Shane, really hates onion and like it's a real thing.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 we've been together for going on 12 years.

Speaker 3 And I've found ways to figure out certain dishes. And there are certain things like if they're cooked in a certain way, he can handle it.
But I use less than what the recipe calls for.

Speaker 2 Is it a flavor thing or a texture thing or both? A flavor thing. 100%.

Speaker 1 How does he, what is an example of,

Speaker 1 you know, if you're making, like, I do, I'm like,

Speaker 2 well,

Speaker 1 if you're making broth.

Speaker 3 Well, you don't. We're not big soupy people.
So we're not soupy.

Speaker 2 But I mean, the broth is the basis of every sauce.

Speaker 3 Well, like, I'll use a, I'll use a kitchen basics broth,

Speaker 3 and I've yet to hear a complaint on that, you know, and

Speaker 2 if I'm making like Jennifer and Shane are not brothy, but they definitely are saucy.

Speaker 2 I mean, right? Sure. Sure.
By the way, kitchen basics is the best, is, is pretty, pretty, pretty much the best broth in the biz, though I'm very much into a better than bullion mode.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, that comes in a little jar. Yeah, I use that a lot too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I'm enjoying all that stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because it can stay in the refrigerator, and then I don't have to like make sure I use the entire container of broth.

Speaker 2 That's right, exactly.

Speaker 1 Guys, I hate to big time year, but I'm all about having a gallon Ziploc bag in my freezer and putting those trimmings in there.

Speaker 2 You love a trims. You love to trims.

Speaker 1 I got frozen homemade chicken stock in my freezer at all times.

Speaker 3 You know, I kept that Ziploc baggie of trimmings with all the intentions to make that into a stock.

Speaker 2 Never did it.

Speaker 3 Never did it, huh? And then it was just taking up space and I need to meet myself where I am.

Speaker 1 I got an ice cube tray full of stock right now in my freezer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just drop in an aspiration. A cube of stock.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not sure whether Sally is averse to all flavor of onion.
Sally says that Amber puts onions on everything.

Speaker 2 So it sounds like maybe it's raw or sauteed onions and there might be a texture issue there. But either way, whether it is a sensitivity or an aversion or I hope not an allergy, you know,

Speaker 2 I couldn't live without my alliums. I'm alliums all day long, but

Speaker 2 you don't have to foist onions on your partner if you love them. Sorry about that, Amber.
This is the sound of a gavel on you now.

Speaker 1 Here's something from Michelle in Pittsburgh. My sister made a cheesecake for her husband in a heart-shaped pan.
The cheesecake cooled in our parents' fridge.

Speaker 1 After it set, she noticed a crescent-shaped crack in the middle of the cheesecake surface.

Speaker 1 To this day, she accuses me of taking a spoon to the cake and stealing a sample. I am completely innocent.

Speaker 1 Please order my family to stop giving me the sarcastic, yeah, sure, we believe you look whenever it comes up.

Speaker 2 All right. I don't have a sweet tooth

Speaker 2 but i do enjoy a savory cake such as cheesecake wow i that i'm i'm on the record right now particularly if it's got onions on it no that's not true by the way corollary ruling with the with regard to the onions i love onions a lot

Speaker 2 But if you're on a road trip, you are not allowed to have funny ones. You can't open a bag of funions in a car.
Just not

Speaker 2 just not okay. And, you know, honestly, you can't open a bag of beef jerky unless there is 100% consent from everybody.

Speaker 1 You got some beef jerky on our tour. At that gas station, it was cut and gas station.
That's veteran-owned. That's like it's pitch.

Speaker 2 You know, Jennifer Marmor enjoyed that beef jerky in the back of the car. Did it stink it up real bad? No, it didn't.

Speaker 2 Jesse, were you okay?

Speaker 1 It was just fine. It reminded me of the wings I eat at the Maryland Shore, I believe is what it advertised on the bag.

Speaker 2 I think it was called called the feel, like it was said based on our famous wing recipe. And then in

Speaker 2 quotation marks, it said like the feel of the shore or the smell of the shore. It was something.
Yeah. It was.
All right.

Speaker 2 So, you know, the number one ingredient on the ingredient list was, of course, beef. You know what the number two ingredient was, Jesse? Jennifer Marmor and I checked it out.

Speaker 1 I mean, it wasn't salt.

Speaker 2 No, hit them with it, Jennifer Marmor.

Speaker 3 Old Bay Bloody Merry Mix.

Speaker 2 Old Bay

Speaker 2 Bloody Merry Mix. Wild.

Speaker 2 Which I didn't know existed. Old Bay seasoning, of course, is that combination of cayenne pepper.
And I think, I mean, I don't know what else is in Old Bay.

Speaker 3 I think celery salt's in there.

Speaker 2 Celery salt. That's what I was looking for in my brain.
Celery salt, very heavy celery salt. Probably some onion powder in there, too, I betcha.
Very, very specific flavor from

Speaker 2 the old Chesapeake Bay.

Speaker 2 And Jennifer Marmor and I, we were in Maryland. So So Jennifer Marmor, you scored a bag full of the Utz crab chip, right?

Speaker 3 You know I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And

Speaker 2 did I eat a lot more than I should have of those?

Speaker 3 No, you ate a perfect amount.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know. It was your bag of chips.

Speaker 3 I was happy to share.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. Then we went in.
Speaking of this, it was on the way to Pittsburgh. We were driving through Maryland on the way to Pittsburgh.

Speaker 2 Once we landed in Pittsburgh to do the, you went in to advance the show. I went back to the hotel for a while.
I came back. I had to get my cord out of the car.

Speaker 2 That open bag of old Old Bay potato chips were quite hot in the sun, having baked in the sun for an hour or two.

Speaker 2 Why not?

Speaker 3 I ate the rest of them after that show.

Speaker 2 But did I have a handful of hot Old Bay potato chips? Yes, I did.

Speaker 1 Fresh out of the air fryer that was our rented minivan.

Speaker 3 I bet that enhanced the flavor.

Speaker 2 It was great. It was great.
Well, heat gets those molecules moving. Anyway, that beef jerky did, it did.
It had a mix. The second thing on the ingredient list was Old Bay Bloody Merry Mix.

Speaker 2 That was too sweet for me. That I don't like sweet jerky.
That was too sweet for me. But I do love sweet, sweet cheesecake.

Speaker 2 And people have written in probably multiple times a year for every year that we've done this podcast, which is multiple years.

Speaker 2 And they're always like,

Speaker 2 I know the hot dog isn't a sandwich, cheesecake, but cheesecake is really a pie. Nope, it's a cake.

Speaker 2 It's totally a cake. I mean, it has a crust, which is unusual for a cake, cake, I'll grant you.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 it is served that crust. In classic cheesecake style, that crust is just on the bottom, something to give shape to what is, truthfully, it's a set custard, according to Sirius Eats.
A set custard.

Speaker 2 And the sides are exposed, you know, so that it's like a cake, like literally a cake of something. It's like a cake of cream cheesy goodness.

Speaker 2 And those sides are nude and exposed, unless you want to slather them them with mayonnaise and rub them in chives, which you're allowed to do, I suppose.

Speaker 2 Give it a try.

Speaker 2 But here's the thing: I was consulting Sirius Eats about this because I have a theory about this, the mystery of the heart-shaped pan.

Speaker 2 Jesse Thorne, Michelle in Pittsburgh, hell with the lid off, says she didn't take a bite of the cheesecake.

Speaker 2 My question to you is: do you have a theory as to who did?

Speaker 1 You're asking me who stole the cookies from the cookie jar It was not me.

Speaker 1 Then who?

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 2 I think you're on it. I think you have solved the crime.

Speaker 1 I think that it's possible.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 That this was a naturally occurring rift.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And all of the bakers in our audience have been screaming this at their

Speaker 2 at their phones and their

Speaker 2 car stereo systems, wherever they get their podcasts. Because this happens with cheesecakes all the time.

Speaker 2 I mean, Michelle described it, a crescent-shaped crack. The surface of cheesecakes crack all the time.
It's not what you want, necessarily, unless apparently you're making a Basque cheesecake.

Speaker 2 Did you ever hear that?

Speaker 2 A Basque cheesecake? Like Basque, like the region of Spain?

Speaker 1 No, but do you know about Basque cuisine that is not Basque? It's actually a type of Central California cuisine. No.
Sometime when we do a big Fresno show,

Speaker 2 I'll take it's not Basque. It's not Basque cuisine, but it's called Basque cuisine.

Speaker 1 It has a relationship to Basque cuisine. Like it was developed by Basque people, you know, a hundred years ago.
Okay, I got you. But it doesn't have that much to do.

Speaker 1 It's like a big family-style meal. There's a lot of spaghetti involved.
Honestly, it's really good. There's sort of like Madera wine,

Speaker 1 marinated lamb is central to it. Sure.

Speaker 1 It's pretty, there's like a bunch of Basque restaurants, quote unquote, in Central California where you just give them $20 and a person and they bring you an infinite volume of food and it's really great.

Speaker 2 By the way, that sounds amazing. And by the way,

Speaker 2 when I said that Basque is a region of Spain, I might get in trouble with some Basque people. It's an autonomous region of Europe.
All right. I apologize for that.

Speaker 2 But the point is, basque cheesecake is supposed to be baked at high heat and kind of get like burned and crusty and that high heat cracks the surface of the cheesecake on the top but if you don't want the cheesecake to crack according to serious eats what you want the the crack is caused by over baking which dries the cheesecake out

Speaker 2 uh or by over mixing if you over mix the cheesecake this the custard that is going to get set by the baking you get air bubbles in there and that causes cracking as well.

Speaker 2 So you just want to fold it lightly and you may want to cook it in a ban-marie,

Speaker 2 which is French for Marie in a bath or a water bath.

Speaker 2 And that should

Speaker 2 help you keep that cool, glossy top coat upon your cheesecake.

Speaker 2 But Michelle, I believe that you are absolutely innocent. I suspect that what happened was

Speaker 2 your sister did a bad job.

Speaker 2 I mean, so nice that you made that hard-shaped cheesecake for her husband. Very nice.
But she did a bad job. It cracked while cooling in the fridge.
And

Speaker 2 she got upset about it. She blamed you.
And the whole family has to stop making that sarcastic face. I'm going to gavel on that.

Speaker 1 You know how you can tell that it wasn't me that ate that piece of the cheesecake?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Don't like cheesecake. It's gross to me.

Speaker 2 Wow. Texture?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'd eat it if you served it to me. It's not like a punishment food.
Yeah. But I would never choose it.
Don't like sweet cheese.

Speaker 1 Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we've got a case involving a video of a cat.
Finally.

Speaker 2 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 4 If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Sound Teap with John Lick Roberts. It's got clips from all your favorite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO.

Speaker 4 Lenin Sprague, tell me how you make your money.

Speaker 1 I go to the beach and I steal people's towels.

Speaker 4 Remember armor.

Speaker 5 Do you remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on the head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight?

Speaker 4 And LT Jom's lobbily songs. I'm here today with Kiki D.
Hello, Kiki D.

Speaker 6 Hello, Elton.

Speaker 4 There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now. So if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Sound Teap on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2 Boop, boop.

Speaker 6 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 1 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 6 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 2 Episode 64.

Speaker 6 So, how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 6 Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 2 Oh, we're ruined.

Speaker 6 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.
Woo! I'm Dr. Ella Hubber.

Speaker 4 I'm regular Tom Lollum.

Speaker 6 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 6 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 1 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 1 Judge John Hodgman, what would you say

Speaker 1 is your favorite experience you've had so far on the Judge John Hodgman Road Road Court tour? What is the favorite thing you have seen, food you have eaten?

Speaker 2 Well, the favorite food that I ate was the scrapple that I ate with you at the Reading Terminal Market in Philadelphia the morning after our incredible Philadelphia show.

Speaker 1 We had a devastating 10 hours of food consumption where immediately after the show concluded, it was like 11:30 at night in downtown Philadelphia.

Speaker 1 We're walking back to the hotel carrying our stuff from the venue. John says to to me, hey, Jesse,

Speaker 1 you hungry?

Speaker 1 And I had eaten a kale salad for dinner, so I was very hungry.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can you go and, yeah.

Speaker 1 I said, yes. And John said, great.
And he like pointed ahead towards the freeway.

Speaker 2 I just found us a place where we could get some late-night Philly cheesesteaks.

Speaker 2 And then we took them separately back to our separate rooms. And I just, I, I enjoyed my cheesesteak while watching Roy Wood Jr.
promote his new show, Have I Got News for You on CNN?

Speaker 2 Where you might see your, your, your local podcast judge on there sometime soon, maybe.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, I destroyed that cheesesteak. I was not expecting to.
It was my second dinner. I absolutely destroyed the entire thing.
I got it with whiz.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The only way to do it, you got American, you chicken.

Speaker 2 I like American cheese. I don't care for the, I don't like what whiz.

Speaker 1 So I ate the, I, I, did i housed it i absolutely housed it went to bed yeah woke up yeah was like i better eat some scrapple now yeah

Speaker 2 i was i need i was i need some i need some uh corn dust in my stomach to absorb all that whiz i was in i was in my in my pajamas in my bed i barely opened my eyes when i got a text from you saying I'm at the counter at the Amish diner in the Reading Terminal Market about to eat some scrapple.

Speaker 2 And did I move faster than I ever have in my life? Correct. I got over there.

Speaker 1 You flew like you were on rocket skates to sit down next to me. I had an enormous pancake that was fantastic.
Not even a huge pancake. I was fantastic pancake.
And I ate the heck out of some scrapple.

Speaker 1 Scrapple is really tasty. I really like scrapple.
It was the perfect, crispy exterior and creamy interior. I think that was my highlight, that like disgusting 12 hours of destroying my body.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 I enjoy punishing my body in the great cities of the world while on tour as much as anybody.

Speaker 2 But if you had to say my favorite part of the tour, it's the moments that I get to spend on stage with the litigants on stage, and then when people yell out their disputes and I have to give, and we both have to give them justice from the stage.

Speaker 2 But just visiting with all the listeners to Judge John Hodgman, it's so much fun.

Speaker 2 Whether it's eating cookies from Eaton Park on stage and that an audience member provided and they didn't turn out to be poisoned in Pittsburgh,

Speaker 2 or looking at some

Speaker 2 truly disgusting

Speaker 2 globs of frozen cranberry sauce that two best friends had put googly eyes on and had named Bob and Barry.

Speaker 1 Two best friends, John, who were upset with us that we thought it was weird that they always have edible googly eyes on hand.

Speaker 2 Or singing about trees with the audience in New York City. I mean, something happens that's different every night on the tour.

Speaker 1 I love meeting, John, all the briefcase children who come to the shows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, shout out to Finn for sure. Yeah, we had incredible kids in every audience, and they always sit in the same spot in the front row for some reason.
It's a little, it's a little scary.

Speaker 2 But, you know, I had a letter from a listener, Selena, saying thank you for the DC show.

Speaker 2 And she said, although I am a maximum fund member, thank you very much, Selena, and a longtime fan of Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 2 My husband's a new listener, and I appreciated him joining in on the fun, trying to outbid the audience member behind us on the baby Marty painting, which I've completely forgot about.

Speaker 2 There was a terrifying painting of one of the litigants as a baby that is a backstory you will not believe.

Speaker 2 I mean, everything, every show is different, and it's all full of surprises as much to me as anyone else.

Speaker 2 And it's so much fun to visit with folks across the country who listen to Judge John Hodgman and to meet those who have been introduced to the show for the very first time at one of these live shows.

Speaker 2 It's a great way to introduce your spouse who's a whole human being in their own right or another person in your life to the show so please join us on our remaining road court tour shows won't you by going to maximumfund.org slash events that's where you will find ticket links for madison wisconsin st paul minnesota burlington vermont portland maine turners falls massachusetts about to sell out by the way brookline massachusetts too late already sold out Seattle, Portland, Oregon, Los Angeles, San Francisco.

Speaker 2 Listen, the shows will sell out. So I really am asking you, if you've been putting it off, go over to maximumfund.org slash events and get your tickets now.

Speaker 1 I'm excited to hit Vancouver, British Columbia. That's our first return to Canada in many years.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we haven't been there for a long time. I'm excited to get your recommendations for how I should destroy my digestion and my sleep by eating after the show, after hours, with some

Speaker 2 local food specialties. So get over to maximumfund.org slash events, get your tickets now before they sell out.
And of course, get your disputes in for these these shows.

Speaker 2 You know, we had Michael and his daughter, Bae,

Speaker 2 litigants for the show in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 2 They had missed out. They didn't have tickets for the show.
And instead, they wrote me saying, I have this dispute about

Speaker 2 unicorns with wings. Yeah.
We were like, okay, well, great. Yeah.
Guess what? You're in the show.

Speaker 2 You're in the show. That's a good way to get into a show that might be sold out or about to sell out.
So give us your disputes as well. Maximumfund.org slash JJ H.O for disputes.

Speaker 2 and of course maximumfund.org slash events for tickets let's get back to the show

Speaker 1 welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast here is a case from heather in philadelphia franklin our siamese cat loves delicious water from the fridge in a special dedicated glass yes

Speaker 1 Do you think that there's a special dedicated glass because the cat prefers it or because they got so many letters when they talked on their podcast about how it might be okay for someone to let the dog lick the plate before it goes into the dishwasher.

Speaker 2 I think that this glass, and by the way, I'm just going to tell everybody, as always, our whole episodes are now available on our YouTube channel at JudgeJohn Hodgman Pod.

Speaker 2 And is there going to be video of this cat drinking from a dedicated glass? Yes. You will want to get over there to see it.
And does the dedicated glass have an etching of a TARDIS on the side?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh, I see the TARDIS now. I was so focused on this beautiful cat.

Speaker 2 I mean, this cat is gorgeous. This is one of the top cats,

Speaker 2 you know, top cat. You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 This is a real top cat.

Speaker 2 It's a real top cat.

Speaker 2 Top cat.

Speaker 1 If you thought it was a snaggle puss, you're wrong. It's a top cat.

Speaker 2 It's a real top cat. This is a gorgeous-looking cat.
All right, let's finish reading the letter and then we'll talk about this.

Speaker 1 My husband does not approve of cats on the counter. Franklin's first sister, Ellie, supports him.
They had a brother named Theodore, who's no longer with us. Yes, they were named after the Roosevelts.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Remember how

Speaker 2 Teddy Roosevelt got drummed out of the Republican Party, so he came back as an independent? Remember what he named his own party?

Speaker 1 The Bull Moose Party.

Speaker 2 Bull Moose Party.

Speaker 1 Man,

Speaker 1 I can't even begin to recommend enough that PBS documentary about Theodore Roosevelt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt, true weirdo, but I'll tell you what, not as weird as cats.

Speaker 2 Cats Cats

Speaker 2 are weird. Let's take a video.
Let's take a look at this video: this cat drinking from this glass.

Speaker 2 There are two cats drinking from a glass.

Speaker 2 I thought I was going to see one cat now, though.

Speaker 2 Now the one cat took a break from drinking from the glass and is licking

Speaker 2 for her brother.

Speaker 2 They're such beautiful cats. And they're on that counter.
Look at them. They're friends, too.
They're friends with each other and they're siblings and they're on the counter.

Speaker 2 And even

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 I mean, the thing about cats is that they are such dignified creatures most of the time. And then they have to go poop in a box while you're,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That said, I grew up with the Siamese cat. And there's, I mean, of all of the cats, could there be a weirder cat than a purebred Siamese? First of all, these things do not shut up.

Speaker 2 Maybe when they're drinking from their dedicated glass, they'll be quiet for a while, but the rest of the time is like John Goodman in True Stories.

Speaker 2 Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yum, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yum, yum, meow.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you something right now, Heather, in Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 I feel you because Lolo, the dumb, dumb cat, which is our cat, who is truly dumb, truly not a smart cat, the most incurious cat that I've ever observed,

Speaker 2 a cliche buster, dumb. She also will drink out of a human glass

Speaker 2 if one is available. And it should be next to a window so that she can look out the window and stare into the middle distance out the window while laughing at her water from a human glass.

Speaker 2 If you put that human glass on the floor, won't drink it. Put that water into a bowl, will not drink.

Speaker 2 Human glass on the windowsill, that's where that cat gets the water. And guess what? You want your cats to be well hydrated.
So sorry about that,

Speaker 2 husband to Heather in Philadelphia. I know you don't like cats on the counter, and with good reason,

Speaker 2 they poop in a box and then they mush their paws around in it.

Speaker 2 And one of the things that cats do, unfortunately, Lola the dum-dum cat doesn't do this, and I've talked about it on the podcast multiple times now:

Speaker 2 is some cats like to pick up things and carry them in their mouths, which is on its own delightful. And then they just carry them from room to room for reasons of their own.

Speaker 2 And I put a call out to our listeners: please send me videos of cats carrying things from room to room, be it a stuffed animal or a t-shirt or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I guess they're probably doing this because

Speaker 2 they're evolutionarily trained to carry their young around in their mouths or whatever. But I put a call out, please send me videos of cats carrying something from room to room.

Speaker 2 And only one of you wrote back.

Speaker 2 And that is listener Rachel, who sent not one, but two videos. And if you want to see them, you got to go over to the YouTube Judge John Hodgman pod right now.

Speaker 2 But let's take a look at those, Jennifer Marm. We finally got this video.

Speaker 2 This cat is named Oreo, I'm told. So let's take a look.

Speaker 2 Ah, there it is.

Speaker 2 It's a shirt.

Speaker 2 That voice you hear is listener Rachel, who,

Speaker 2 according to her emails, has been trying to catch Oreo in the act of moving shirts around her apartment for a long time.

Speaker 2 And you may have noticed, Jesse, that there was a second cat whose name I do not know in this video. Probably Hydrox.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if you want any proof that cats are weirder than dogs, yeah, probably Hydrox. It'd be awesome if it were true.
If you want any proof that cats are weirder than dogs,

Speaker 2 take a look at this next video, Jesse. This is after Oreo drops the shirt.

Speaker 1 Here's another one.

Speaker 2 I think this is just your golden hour.

Speaker 2 It's not as good, though. Dang it.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to make a video. What are they

Speaker 2 doing?

Speaker 2 For those of you who can't see,

Speaker 2 you know, cats do this thing where they make biscuits, they call it. Some people call it, you know, where they need

Speaker 2 with their front paws, which is to, I think, a learned behavior or evolutionarily learned behavior to stimulate milk production in their moms or some, whatever.

Speaker 2 Whatever it is, it's just this dumb hobby they have now.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Oreo was not kneading this other cat, but Oreo got severely confused because he or she put their paws on the other cat as if to knead the other cat, but then started kneading the carpet with their back legs.

Speaker 2 Look, you got to see the video. You got to look at this poor other cat looking at the camera going like, I bet you're wondering how I got here.
Anyway, cats are weirder than dogs.

Speaker 2 And if you think that dogs are weirder than cats, you better get to proving it by sending in videos and your disputes to maximumfund.org/slash JJ H.O.

Speaker 2 I want to see more videos of cats carrying things from room to room, cats doing having weird hobbies. And if you have dogs doing weird hobbies, I'd like to see that too.

Speaker 1 The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
The show was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Our video editor is Daniel Spear.

Speaker 1 The podcast is edited by A.J. McKeon.
Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Photos from the show on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash judgejohodgman.

Speaker 1 We're also on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video only content.
John, how do you like the decor in the studio now?

Speaker 1 We're really, we're really pumping up the decor here in the MaxFun studio.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it looks terrific, Jesse. You got that neon gavel back there.
You've got that Judge John Hodgman live justice poster that was designed by Aaron Draplin.

Speaker 2 And you've got, it looks like some creeping vines, even creeping vines of justice.

Speaker 1 If you're wondering if our video guide, Daniel Spear, is one of these millennials, all you got to do is take a look at this and notice that it looks like a fern bar in 1978 here.

Speaker 2 It looks great and it looks highly oxygenated. It's terrific.
And I'm so glad that we're able to see each other.

Speaker 1 I'm here to meet other older singles.

Speaker 1 I just got divorced and I don't want to meet women at the disco.

Speaker 2 No, you got to go to the Regal Beagle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but do follow us. If you want to see all that stuff, do follow us on YouTube and tell a friend.

Speaker 2 You know, a lot of people.

Speaker 1 If you're listening to this in audio form, probably you mostly consume podcasts in audio form and God bless you for it. But you probably have a pal that mostly consumes podcasts in video form.

Speaker 1 Tell them to check out Judge John Hodgman on YouTube because it's looking pretty fly these days.

Speaker 2 Yeah, absolutely. And by the way, as we record this, it's nearing the end of September.
And by the time you're hearing it, it's going to be even closer to the end of September.

Speaker 2 And finally, I'm willing to admit it. It's spooky season.
It's Halloween time. It's fine for the drugstores to put out candy finally, even though they've been doing it since August.

Speaker 2 That means that we need, as always, once a year, we need your Halloween disputes.

Speaker 2 What are you giving out to kids this year? Only whoppers or only Malteasers? Those are your choices. Does your so-called friend want you to trick-or-treat as the back half of a horse?

Speaker 2 Or for that matter,

Speaker 2 are you trying to convince your friend Jeremy Morrison

Speaker 2 to drag you around on Halloween in a wagon while you sweat to death inside of a green sleeping bag pretending to be the blob? That was my most inspired Halloween costume of all time.

Speaker 2 How many 12-foot-tall yard skeletons is enough for your yard? We want the answers. We want the disputes.
Send us.

Speaker 1 Judge Hodgman, when we were on tour, we drove past some backyards. I mean, I'm talking about, I guess probably we were in rural Pennsylvania, semi-rural Pennsylvania.

Speaker 1 We drove past some backyards that just had

Speaker 1 six of those 12-foot Halloween figures in no particular configuration or theme other than Halloween. Just

Speaker 1 people who like big stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, people who like big stuff. We like big stuff, especially big feuds.
Give us your Halloween disputes at maximumfund.org slash JJ H. O.

Speaker 2 And by the way, if you're on your way to our Madison show or our St. Paul show this weekend, send us your disputes for there, maximumfund.org slash JJ H.

Speaker 2 O or get your tickets at maximumfund.org slash events.

Speaker 2 Will I be giving a brand new Great Lakes beach report based on our travel across the Great Lake of Michigan? Absolutely, I will be.

Speaker 2 Go see us at the show and see a bunch of stuff that you'll never hear on the podcast ever in your life because it's all live and it's all on the road court maximumfund.org/slash events.

Speaker 1 We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 1 Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows, supported directly by you.