Van Freaks Roadshow in Atlanta

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne here with Judge John Hodgman.

Well, it's the beginning of a long holiday weekend here in the United States, at least.

And if you're stuck in holiday traffic, we hope this episode will help lighten your mood.

We recorded this episode live in Atlanta during our last tour, the Van Freaks Road Show tour.

We had some great cases about home decor and middle names and chili.

Very heated conversation about chili, a lot of fun.

And we had a house band that night led by our wonderful friend from Stuff You Should Know, Chuck Bryant himself.

It was a great night.

You're about to enjoy it.

But before we go, I want to remind you, we're about to depart on our next tour, the Judge John Hodgman Road Court.

And if you think listening to a live episode like this one is a fun time, guess what?

You're missing out.

You're missing out on a lot of stuff you only get to experience.

when you're in the room with the live audience.

That's why I always say it's better when you're there.

Yeah, it is a very special experience to be at one of those Judge John Hodgman shows, not just because you're there with other Judge John Hodgman fans and with us in person, although not least because of that, but also because, as John said, there's a bunch of stuff that happens in real life that doesn't end up on the podcast, stuff that you can only enjoy by coming to see us, IRL.

So don't miss out.

New York, Philly, Washington, D.C., you're around the corner.

Pittsburgh already sold out.

Madison, St.

Paul, get your tickets at maximumfund.org slash events.

Yeah, we got, man, this whole operation is going to be great.

If you live in one of these places, including Pittsburgh, even if you don't have tickets in Pittsburgh, maximumfund.org slash JJHO to submit a dispute.

I heard that we're short in New York City.

New Yorkers, you're the most disputing people on earth.

Yeah.

Bunch of grapers.

Send us your disputes.

Maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

All right.

Let's go on now to the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta for the Van Freaks Road Show live.

Judge John Hodgman, you're going to enjoy it right now.

Atlanta, Georgia, you came to us seeking justice, and we're ready to deliver it right here at the Variety Playhouse.

The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.

Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Please welcome Brendan and Jillian.

Tonight's case, Fa La La La La La La La Law.

Brendan brings the case against his partner, Jillian.

Brendan has figured out the perfect place for this year's Christmas tree, but it means getting rid of Jillian's favorite piece of furniture, something they call the Willie Nelson table.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

When all you're crying don't do no good,

come on up to the house.

Come down off that cross.

We could use the wood.

Come on up to the house.

Come on up.

to the house.

Come on up to the house.

The world's not my home.

I'm just passing through.

Come on up

to the house.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Brendan.

Brendan and Jillian, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

Sure.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his home features only one standard table and two charo tables.

Yes.

Sure.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Brendan and Jillian, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom, Jesse Thorne.

Can you name it?

I cannot, no.

Yeah.

I've been torturing Jesse Thorne with Tom Waite songs this entire tour.

That's true.

But tonight I decided to do something a little different.

So, Brendan and Jillian, it comes down to you.

Brendan, what's your guess?

I imagine it's a Willie Nelson song.

Lyrics from a Willie Nelson song.

Lyrics from a Willie Nelson song.

What would the name of it be?

Come on up to the house.

Come on up to the house is the guess.

Willie Nelson song, you say.

Oh, because of the Willie Nelson table.

Come on up to the house.

I'm writing that down, definitely.

All right.

Jillian, what's your guess?

Well, I had Tom Waits in my back pocket.

All right.

And,

well, look at me now.

Well, look at that.

I would say that would be a

Nelson Willie song.

Nelson Willie.

Yeah.

Nelson Willie.

All right.

Yeah.

Come on up to the house.

House on Up to the Up.

Everyone knows that one.

House Come Up to the Up

by Nelson Willie.

Nelson Willie, yeah.

Okay, very good.

Well,

what a little trick I played on all of you.

It was a Tom Waite song.

It was a Tom Waits song called Come On Up to the House.

I did not sing it like Tom Waits.

However, I did try my best to sing it beautifully, sort of in the vein of Willie Nelson, because Willie Nelson covered it on his album, Heroes, in 2012, along with Cheryl Crowe and his son Lucas Nelson.

So you were both right.

And both very close.

I guess we're done here.

But no.

But all guesses are wrong.

So we must hear your dispute in any case.

Who comes before me seeking justice in this internet court?

That would be me.

Brendan, what is the nature of your dispute?

I have

requested, I request an injunction on the dismissal of some personal effects that...

English, please, Brendan!

Speak plainly in my court, if you will, sir.

In trying to decide.

You better not say to wit at any point.

We don't want any weird, mannered, Tom Wait style performances here.

How dare you?

How dare you, baseball?

All right, go ahead.

I'm trying to to save some some.

Jillian, what's the problem?

Well, we need we need some room in our tiny little place.

All right.

You live here in Atlanta?

At Woodstock, yeah, north of Atlanta.

All right.

And we're trying to make some room for our Christmas tree.

Okay.

Brendan has

generously brought his own

speakers.

Yes,

for folks listening at home, there are two pieces of furniture on the table.

This is not part of my rider.

One that's important.

This is the only one that's important.

And you have a home in Woodstock, Georgia, and you're trying to make room for your Christmas tree

because it is not yet even Halloween.

So you better get on it.

Yes.

Where do you want to put the Christmas tree?

In your living room?

In our living room.

There's a lovely window there that we would love to put our Christmas tree in front of.

What is there right now instead of a Christmas tree?

The Willie Nelson table.

The Willie Nelson table.

Yeah.

Now, why is this table the Willie Nelson table?

Oh,

that goes, that story goes way, way back.

Well, then let's not tell it.

Whatever.

Let's freak.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that it was an interesting story.

I apologize.

Let's not.

Only to say buckle up.

Okay.

This table was built by

a friend of my parents for their first apartment together.

As I was growing up, it was the kitchen table.

It's a little low for a kitchen table.

It has had several different titles.

I'm just going to add that so people can see.

This was.

Yeah, it's been.

Where did you grow up?

Where did you grow up?

It's been done and redone.

Springfield, Massachusetts.

413.

Yeah, Springfield, Massachusetts.

That's in New England, Jesse.

That's a region of the United States.

Honestly, I haven't heard of it.

In the southeastern area of Canada.

And Springfield is actually pretty typical.

That's the birthplace of Dr.

Seuss and baseball and eating dinner on the floor.

Basketball.

Excuse me.

Basketball.

Sorry, I made that mistake.

It's not the birthplace of baseball.

You don't have to say anything.

Thank you.

Basketball.

Basketball was invented in Springfield, Massachusetts.

It's taken away.

It's my favorite sport.

Oh, I know you love the way they dribble up and down the court.

That's exactly right.

Thank you.

So this was a dining room table at one point.

Yes, sir.

And obviously the legs have been shortened.

It's been modified.

Several times.

It's got some wonderful leaves here.

It's been stripped and refinished.

The leaves have been rebuilt.

The structure of that has been redone over the years.

But it's

lovingly salvaged and rebuilt for my parents originally.

And so here's the thing.

It's a lovely table.

Obviously, it's a family heirloom.

True.

Me looking at it, I would just call it the table.

I wouldn't call it the Willie Nelson table.

Yes.

So, what's that part of the story?

The man who made it

looks very much like Willie Nelson.

I see.

Buckle up.

Yeah.

Airbags deployed.

He looks like Willie Nelson.

Looks a lot like Willie Nelson.

And had you ever had a desire to give it to Willie Nelson?

I'd love to sit around it with Willie and share some time for sure.

Sure.

I bet, you know, 90 years old, he can still sit cross-legged on the floor.

Absolutely.

He takes special medicine that makes his limbs very limber.

Pillows?

Yeah, maybe some throw pillows.

He's comfortable somehow.

Yeah, wait a minute.

We're not talking about your tea time with Willie Nelson.

We're talking about this wonderful table that you have in a niche in your living room that, Brendan, you want to get rid of.

You want to get rid of this table with an axe, don't you, Brendan?

I would like to put it into storage for the Christmas season to make room in that space for a treat.

Okay, so just temporarily.

Yes, sir.

And that's painful to you, Jillian.

You don't want to lose Willie Nelson for that period of time.

You want to celebrate with Willie, don't you?

I feel like we can have room for both if we were to shuffle out a couple of speaker cabinets.

Speaker cabinets, which draws our attention to this other piece of furniture on the stage.

One speaker.

One tall.

One of two.

It's a pair.

Sure.

And this is a sansui.

Yeah, Jesse Thorne's going to do a little antiques roadshow appraisal for us.

The model is not indicated here on the back, and that's going to be very much to the disappointment of my

fellow subscribers to the Reddit r slash vintage stereo.

Maybe there's a maker's mark on the bottom that you want to check?

Do you guys mind?

I'm just going to check these cones real quick.

Yeah.

Well, Jesse's checking the cones.

Please do.

You're going to need new foam surrounds.

Look at this.

Let the record reflect that they definitely need some new foam surrounds on these cones.

Yeah, you got to get some foam surrounds.

I agree.

Absolutely.

I know what I'm talking about.

These are S-57s, by the way.

Okay.

What would you say?

If you had to put a value on that speaker, Jesse, what would you value that at?

In a pair?

In a pair.

What are we talking about?

A resale value?

Are we talking about an insurance value?

Insurance value.

Yeah.

Much like the William Nelson table, I'm sure this is a family heirloom, Brendan.

This is something you wouldn't want to have slip through your fingers.

This has been in my possession since I found it on a curb in Burbank, California.

Oh.

Well, at least we know the provenance.

Yeah.

So this is a classic, this is one of those S57 Burbank curb speakers.

Yeah, I mean, this thing, this is a huge speaker.

It's not necessarily a super high-end speaker.

I would say it's like when there's like a leveraged buyout of Kmart or whatever,

most of the value is in the real estate.

Got it.

I think

this pair of speakers, this is a, you know, this is $150 for the pair, $200 for the pair, something like that.

If he had replaced the goddamn

phone surrounds.

Part of the value of it for me is the real estate.

It is halfway to end table.

Did you hear how he turned that around on you?

I did.

That real estate comment came right back on you and hit you right between the eyes.

It's true.

All right, I'll allow it.

Look, we all treasure our connections to Burbank.

It's true.

It's true.

We all love Warner Brothers.

Burbank and its many goth stores and model train stores.

If you guys knew anything about Burbank, these Burbank references would be blowing your mind.

There are multiple model train stores in the modestly sized suburb of Burbank, California.

The Bearded Lady Mystical Museum.

Oh, God.

This is Burbank Store.

Jillian, you want to take a break with me?

We're just going to go over here, let these two talk for a while.

We got to talk Burb.

How about that martial arts hall of fame, huh?

Okay, we're done.

We're done.

We're done.

What is your, what is the sentimental connection to the speaker?

It is.

Or it's a real estate issue for you.

A little of both.

It is something that I've carried from one end of the country to the other through a couple of different.

What end of the country?

end to this.

This isn't the end, I'm going to tell you right now.

We still have some ways to go.

I guess we have to take a pilgrimage to the other side of the state then.

That's right.

Maybe take this over to Savannah and throw it in the ocean.

Type the island.

Are these local references work, Jesse?

Yeah.

Burbank references, not so much.

Local references.

Brendan, are these speakers in use at your home?

Not particularly these days.

Over the course of the last couple of moves,

as the foam has deteriorated.

Yeah, it has.

It's danger foam inside.

There's a strong buzzing when it plays.

The fidelity is not high.

But they are things that I've carried from one place to another and

downsized quite a bit to move in with Jillian into her home

at the beginning of this year.

And I am attached to having some personal representation in the shared space.

These junk speakers

represent your

possession of them.

They represent your personal expression within your cohabitation.

Yes,

we have a shared love of music, and I think as an aesthetic piece of decoration,

you share a love of music, but you personally don't often get to share your love of things that don't work.

And Burbank.

And Burbank.

So is the question that I have, though, is that let's say for the sake of argument, you were to put the speakers into storage instead of the Willie Nelson table.

Would the Christmas tree fit in the speaker space?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

The records show that they said yes with very different moods.

I have an important logistical question.

So I'm looking at the Willie Nelson table now.

It's roughly the size of a kitchen table, other than the fact that it's, you know, 24 inches tall.

So

what role does this table play in your living room right now?

Is it a coffee table?

Currently, it is not a coffee table as we have a sectional sofa with ottoman.

And in that space, it just doesn't work as a coffee table.

So it is basically a plant stand for some beautifully loved houseplants.

How many houseplants?

There's a lot of acreage here on this table, houseplant-wise.

Three pretty big ones.

There's little tchotchkes.

I have my Kalimba there.

A candle usually sits there.

But it's a nice display.

area.

And all that stuff's got to go in the hole, too.

If Willie Nelson table goes into the storage hole, where are you going to store it, Brendan?

We have a garage.

Okay.

So all those plants are going to get chucked into the garage as well, and the Kalimba as well.

We can shuffle them to the other side of the room.

There's other

side tables.

Let me just say, for a table that is the home to three plants, very nice.

You've taken very good care of it.

No water rings, no damage whatsoever to the top.

Seems like you care a lot about it.

You didn't let any of the foam inserts go bad or anything.

You took care of it.

We could play records upon it

if we wanted to.

You could put a turntable on it.

Could put a turntable on it, but could not play records on the Christmas.

Where was the Christmas tree last year?

If you had one.

Last year, he was not yet living with me.

So it did have its place until the speakers moved into town.

So

did you send them a hedge to announce as a herald of your coming?

They kicked the door in.

Wheels.

So

you're relatively new cohabitants then.

Is that correct?

And how's it going?

Pretty great.

Otherwise, aside from this.

Let the record reflect that Brendan immediately said, pretty great.

And Jillian said.

There's a lot of love in this home.

People have a lot of love.

There's so much love in the home.

It's a lot of passive voice in that sense.

Extra room

for speakers.

Did you have a feeling about the speakers the moment that they came into your house?

Are you using the Christmas tree just to, and I shouldn't say your house, did you, was it originally your house that Brendan moved into?

Yes.

Okay, so this was your house that you opened to him and his speakers.

Gladly.

And it was open.

And him, the speakers, did you have a feeling about them?

Did they bode ill?

I was excited about them.

The vintage aspect of them.

I looked forward to listening to Willie Nelson records on the turntables,

playing through the

favorite Willie Nelson album and it's just

it was it was pretty underwhelming once he hooked them up.

Could you get them fixed, Brendan?

Maybe.

I haven't looked into it.

Jesse Thorne is our speaker appraiser today here on the roadshow.

My question to you is this.

Is there a chance that Brendan could restore these speakers and get them working properly?

And

would that restoration lower their value?

Oh, that's a great question, John.

A lot of people shine their speakers too much, and it removes the patina.

The answer is this, John.

They're almost certainly repairable.

Most likely, if all he has to do is replace those foam surrounds, and I'm literally noting that there are chunks of the foam surround on our stage right now.

That's true.

Well, that was a load-bearing

piece of foam.

That's the kind of responsiveness you want for maximum musicality.

Yeah, was the kind of crumbly.

Let the record show I picked up a piece of the foam off the stage and the stage turned into

an asbestos abatement project.

Very friable, let's say.

Replacing foam surrounds is both relatively inexpensive to do with your local electronics repairer and something that a lot of folks who are even a little bit handy, you know, it just involves a little bit of like rubber cement and some replacements around it.

Atlanta's a cool town.

Is there anyone in the audience who can repair speakers?

Great.

I happen to know that there are 20 people in this audience of giant nerds who know how to repair speakers.

Let me ask you this question.

These people are like, no, I only build robots.

Let me ask you this question that might be more accurate.

Is there anyone in the audience who can definitely repair speakers but is too shy to raise their hand or say anything?

Good.

We'll talk to you later.

I have a surprise for you before I give my verdict.

So you mentioned that this is the Willie Nelson table.

And as you know, Willie Nelson just turned 90 years old.

He's still going strong.

And in fact, much to my surprise, I ran into him coming over here today.

And I mentioned that we have a table named after him.

And he said that he wanted to come and take a look at it.

Would that be okay with you?

Yeah, bring him out.

Okay.

For sure.

Sir, would you come on out, please?

Thank you.

In the flesh.

Willie Nelson's checking out the table.

Inspecting the leaves.

Doesn't look a day.

If you need to know, it used to be used as a kitchen table.

Okay, never mind.

He's just looking at it very carefully.

All right.

So,

wow, well, Willie Nelson,

what do you, why don't you come over here?

What do you think?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

I'm Willie Nelson's table guy.

You're Willie Nelson's table guy?

What is that job?

People say I look like Willie Nelson.

But you're his table guy.

Yeah.

What do you do as his table guy?

A fine table like this.

This is a beautiful table that should stay in a family

like this.

So you're not going to acquire it for Willie Nelson today?

I couldn't keep a table like this from a family like this.

Okay, go away now.

Willie Nelson's table guy.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

to go.

I'm not just Chuck's friend.

What's the crazy Mikey?

Yeah, that are.

Definitely not crazy Mikey.

No, definitely not crazy Mikey.

Wearing a wig that John bought at the Halloween store.

That's right.

And that Emily braided five minutes ago.

Thank you very much, Willie Nelson's table guy.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my chambers.

I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Brendan, how are you feeling about your chances?

Not great.

I mean, the speakers don't even work, Brendan.

I know they're trash, and I know that that's where they're going to end up.

I had, I've been holding off on doing so, and I think this

may be the last nail in the coffin.

Jillian, how are you feeling about your chances?

I'm feeling pretty confident.

Yeah.

It's a very weird table as well.

Like, I'm not going to lie to you.

It's awkward.

It has its quirks.

Such as not tall enough.

It was referred to as the Willie Nelson table several times before I asked, why is it called that?

And it is just as

underwhelming each time.

I have to say, like, I was thinking before, I wasn't familiar with the details of the case.

I'm not privy to them.

I was thinking before the show, well, I would share my story of that time I was behind Willie Willie Nelson in the security line at LAX, but it would be underwhelming relative to what I'm sure is a great and exciting story about why this is called the Willie Nelson table.

And yet, I now think I should have stretched that story to 20 minutes and used that.

Well, we'll see what they're saying.

Tell it to your kids.

They'll tell it to their friends.

We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Well,

obviously I'm going to find in Jillian's favor.

It's pretty obvious from the beginning, but I need to say some things before I do.

For one thing,

these speakers are not trash.

Well, I don't know about the other one that's at home, but this one is not trash.

And nor are you, Brendan.

You are not trash, and your speakers are not trash, right, Jillian?

Not even close.

Not even close to trash, which is definitely damning by faint praise, but

more like recyclable

or a kind of compost guy.

Point is,

you do deserve to have expression of yourself in this shared space.

And I appreciate when you are moving into a space that is previously inhabited by the person that you love that you want to show something.

And you wanted to show these sidewalk speakers from Burbank.

And you did carry them a long way.

And they do take up a lot of space.

And it does represent you kind of

kicking around and showing the space that you're there too.

You do deserve to have an expression of yourself in this space.

And I don't think that it shouldn't be these speakers.

And if you can parse all of those many negatives, I'm saying they're not trash.

Don't throw them away.

I will also say, despite what some cranky bailiffs might say,

that Willie Nelson table story is a great story.

Thank you.

I love the story.

I love that somehow your family fit your little legs under the table

in Springfield

to eat your cream chip beef dinners or whatever.

That's just a meal that I associate with Western Massachusetts due to my own upbringing.

And I love the fact that it was so named because someone who looks like Willie Nelson made it.

It is genuinely a part of your upbringing and a part of your family.

I do want to know what the story is about how the legs got so short.

I mean, right?

They had to have been cut down or something?

Definitely cut down.

It's taken different forms.

It came down here to my aunt's house and she cut it down to coffee table size.

It's taken different forms.

Now I'm starting to think it's like a demon or something.

Right now we choose the form of the table.

Right now it's wood.

Sometimes it's water or fire.

It may have been a chair at some point.

No.

I even had it stripped down after it became a coffee table.

I had it, the varnish stripped and it was redone.

Yeah.

I already said that it was a good story.

You don't have to keep telling it.

It's great.

I love the Willie Nelson table and I love your speakers.

And here's what's going to happen.

This is a real gift of the Magi thing.

You're going to throw both of them away.

No, no, I'm just kidding.

You know, the biggest tree.

The biggest tree ever.

Yeah.

And chop up all that stuff and put it in the fireplace and burn it.

No, what's going to happen is the table is going to stay where it is because you are going to give Brendan a gift for Christmas.

And that is, you are going to take those speakers away and get them repaired so that they play beautiful music by the time Christmas is over and the tree is thrown out.

So we're thinking about this time next year?

Great.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules.

That is all.

Brendan Jillian, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Please welcome to the stage Daughtry and Randy.

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side.

Keep on the sunny side of life.

It will help us every day.

It will brighten all the way.

Keep on the sunny side of life.

Thank you very much, Chuck Bryan, and the last minute trio.

Daughtry and Randy, hello.

Hello.

Who seeks justice in this court, please?

I do.

You would be Daughtry.

Yes, I'm Daughtry.

And it says here that you and Randy met when you were in middle school.

We did.

We've gone to the same school since middle school.

So middle school, high school, undergrad, and grad school.

Wow, wonderful.

And now,

honestly,

John for education, and that's correct.

Yes, it is wonderful, but also

that went on like one or two too long to not be weird.

I agreed.

I couldn't shake them.

No, no, no.

Middle school, high school, and community college, sure.

You're like, then we have to.

Undergrad and grad school.

And we're a medical residency.

I study arts policy.

Part time is coming, Randy.

Don't worry.

I studied arts, policy, and administration.

Wonderful.

And Randy, you studied stalking?

No.

Actually, I got my master's in healthcare administration.

Wonderful.

That's terrific.

And it also says here that you are engaged to be married.

Yes.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So you seem like a very happy couple, except for one thing.

Daughtry, it says you dislike the name Randy.

It's yes.

no,

now that's his name, isn't it?

Am I not mistaken?

I believe so.

Okay, what do you dislike about the name Randy?

Well, the problem is that his name is just Randy.

Just Randy.

Yeah, not Randall, not Randall.

No, it's a nickname.

It's a nickname for a name.

Yes.

Now, I'm with you.

Uh-huh.

Because my wife, who is a whole human being in her own light, also hates nicknames for names.

Doesn't believe it.

Look, you notice there was no applause.

It's just you.

Yeah, no, it's just you and me now.

Even Jesse Thorne has left the building.

But

Randy is just a nickname.

There should be more.

There should be more is what you're saying.

Yes.

How do you respond to that, Randy?

Do you like the name that your family gave you, that you've had your whole life?

Yes, I love the name Randy.

Randy is just enough.

That's a compelling argument.

And I appreciate your standing up for yourself.

Thank you.

So, Randy

also lacks something else, is that right?

Aside from a fullness of first name, yes, and that's why we're here.

Okay,

what is it?

So, early on in our stating, I found out that Randy not only does he have a nickname for a name, he also does not have a middle name.

No middle name at all.

At all.

So, it literally is just Randy.

Randy, your parents were into a brief.

They also aggrieved just enough

do you have siblings randy i do not only child here we go yes yeah this is where we connect yeah i don't know how i can do you have siblings daughter i am the oldest of two i have two younger brothers yeah this isn't looking so good for you now because i've there's an only child on stage he was he was counting on that i should recuse myself but i'm not going to

Did you ever feel anything lacking in your life not having a middle name?

And that's the thing.

I never felt that way.

Right.

Did anyone ever ask you did you ever feel something lacking in life because you didn't have a brother or a sister

people do ask that but i don't know what the feeling is to not have

exactly

only is enough

exactly

never felt anything missing in my life

but randy yes i have a middle name

and i like it a lot Because everyone thinks that I'm going to inherit a cornflake fortune.

Oh.

My middle name is Kellogg.

Yes.

Wow.

Not Post, not General Mills.

That would be a weird middle name.

No, no, no.

Kellogg.

I don't have

any connection to that family, but I do have that as a middle name, and I like it.

And for a long time, I sort of, I love it.

I don't tell a lot of people until tonight.

Yes.

Because I do feel like it's a little secret bit of me.

Okay.

Is that how you feel about middle names?

I do feel that way.

I also think they're just fun.

Like, it's fun to have two names.

Do you have a middle name?

I do.

What is it?

I actually use it randomly.

It's a full name for everybody.

It is.

How did you know?

My middle name is Alexis, so I use my full name for everything.

I put it on everything.

That's wonderful.

Your first two initials are D-A.

D-A.

It's pretty good.

So you're not going to give Randy a middle name because he's a whole human being.

He's an adult.

Oh, but if you were, what would you get?

What would you give?

You know, I think.

I mean, that's not why we're here, but I just thought of it.

It changes often.

Oh, you've got different ones?

Yeah, it's in my head.

Oh, boy.

Can I come to this wedding?

Yes, please.

Please, please.

Definitely won't.

What are some of the middle names that you've chosen for Randy?

And has he ever heard them before?

I don't think he has.

Good.

And there are more subtle things that just happened in my head.

You have to say some of them.

They ran out of your head?

Yeah, I think they did.

Because I change it so often.

It's just the space is there.

How about Willie or Nelson or Table Guy?

I like it.

Yeah.

All of them.

Those are good.

If any of them come to you, please shout them out.

I will.

Don't wait for me to ask.

Even if you're in the middle of a sentence, shout them.

Okay, I will.

But

you're getting married,

and part of the reason you're here is that you are considering having a family.

Yes.

And if you were to have a child, you would like the child, Daughtry, to have a middle name.

Yes, they need a middle name.

Okay.

And Brandy, do you feel differently?

Absolutely.

They do not need a middle name.

Whoa.

Randy, what are these children going to do when they join SAG?

Do you have a middle name in mind for this potential child that might come down the road?

I have tossed around some options for middle names.

Like what?

Well, if we have a girl, my mom's maiden last name is Rose, which is beautiful.

That's great, yeah.

And so at one point, I was not opposed to having a girl named Randy.

And Randy, Rose Jonakin.

Like, very cute, huh?

I know.

She sounds like a fine girl, Randy.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

And do you have any non-middle names?

Do you have any absence that you have thought about for your own

child?

So Daughtry has went the tradition route.

So actually my father does not have a middle name.

So it would only make sense to pass that along throughout the years.

This is a problem.

Have you considered a compromise position in giving the child the middle name S after after Harry S.

Truman?

Wow.

Just a letter.

Just a letter.

Maybe I wouldn't be opposed.

Randy, it would be pretty easy for you to say a middle name is fine.

Like, why do you feel so strongly about this?

Do they feel strange to you or alien in a way?

I just think it gives a certain uniqueness to a person.

Like when you, you know, you're going to school and then, you know, the kids, you know, or the teachers will ask you, hey, tell us a unique fact about yourself.

You instantly have something that you can say.

And then everyone says, whoa, that's so cool.

So I want them to be able to do that.

Judge Hodgman.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You went to middle school with the person you're marrying.

You went to...

high school and then

middle school, high school, undergraduate, graduate school, you have a master's degree in healthcare, administration.

These are all interesting things.

You go to a dinner party, you can say any one of those things.

You say, you know what?

I don't have a middle name.

That's what got her.

That's what got her.

That's what got her.

What Randy is telling us is that it's so important

for an only child to have some opportunity to feel special and unique.

They just need some chance to have the spotlight shine upon them.

Some opportunity.

All right, here's what I'm going to say.

First of all,

obviously, obviously, not having a middle name is a real attention getter and a way to meet girls when you're in middle school.

Now it's not so necessary.

Now you have accomplishments.

It's still interesting, though.

And I will absolutely say, Randy is enough.

That's a gorgeous statement of purpose in your life that I would love to wear on a t-shirt every day.

And it is very clear.

And let the record show Daltrey.

Randy is enough, right?

He's enough for you, for sure.

For sure.

So, Randy, I love the fact that you have no middle name.

Now, the problem with having children, well, one of them.

One of them, when you're in the realm of hypothetical problems before the child comes, is that you have to name them.

And,

you know, they're only the two of you.

Now, when the child comes, they will probably choose their name.

It's very possible they might choose their own name.

That's a different negotiation.

Right now, it's just the two of you.

And the problem with this is it has to be both or nothing.

You have to both agree or nothing.

It's unanimity or zero.

So, right now, Randy, I know Randy is enough.

And I know,

unfortunately,

Rose has a middle name, which is, you know, your beloved's mother's name.

Yeah.

You hate hate it.

No, you vetoed it.

It's pretty clear.

That didn't sway you.

Unfortunately, it falls to you, Daughtry,

to keep pitching middle names

until he can't say no.

This is a war of attrition.

Okay, I like it.

Eventually, you'll come up with a middle name where he will be like, yeah, that's pretty good.

And I'm sorry that it can't be your mom's name.

I'm sure, wonderful person.

And it's going to be hard to explain to her why Randy hates her name so much.

But you can leave that to me when I come and give a toast to Delaware.

Yes, absolutely.

I'll explain it in my toast.

Yes, please.

All right.

This is the sound of a gabble.

Thank you, Daughtery and Randy.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

For our next case, we return to where Judge John Hodgman all all began, chili.

Chili.

Please welcome Marty and Gabe.

Marty and Gabe, welcome.

Thank you, Your Honor, brother.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Who seeks...

Any of you know Willie Nelson's table guy?

Oh, I broke some tables in my time, brother.

Who here seeks justice in this fake internet court?

That would be me, Your Honor, brother.

And

what is the entity I'm speaking to some know me as Monterey Jack I'm one part of the chili brothers yeah

Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers and right

I thought it was gonna be Marty okay Gabe are you Gabe yes thank you I am Gabe however I also go by chef's kiss

let the record show You are a member of KISS.

Which member of KISS are you?

Peter Chris Peter Chris reenacting my third grade Halloween costume

but to be clear you're Peter Chris a member of KISS wearing a chef's hat correct and

chef's Kiss no I put it together yeah

makes sense a couple of days before Halloween this is your Halloween costume who who is Monterey Jack and what are the Chili Brothers Gabe I'm gonna ask you because I feel like I can talk to you yes

even even, even though

your hand movements and facial expressions are somehow more demonic than his,

a little bit of scary clown,

explain to me who the Chili Brothers are so I can understand.

Last year, during our Chili Cook-Off, in advance of the big event, we chili cook-off where?

At work.

Oh, at place of work, yes.

Okay, you're employed.

Yes, we are.

We are both employed by a company that you might have heard of, a local soda maker.

Oh, really?

A local manufacturer of regional sodas?

Correct.

Yes.

So small.

So sweet.

Yes.

So sweet.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Selling from the stage.

We're not here to buzz market for some small unknown company.

Nobody's.

You know, it's the 125th anniversary of Pepsi, Jesse.

Did you know that?

You got to bring that up.

How are you going to bring that up here in front of all these fans?

I'm sorry if you can't take it, Monterey Jack, but yes.

No, it's.

Catch the taste of a new generation, my friend.

You're going to let him say that in Atlanta, Georgia.

Monterey Jack, I can't help but notice that you're wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage t-shirt.

And I wonder how many wrestlers wear t-shirts of other wrestlers.

That's a really good question.

Like, oh yeah, I want to support my friends.

All right, Gabe, you were saying

you both...

You took part in a chili competition at your workplace.

Correct.

And we made challenge videos, and I challenged my opponent, Marty,

using the wrestling parlance, and he returned fire as.

So much fire, brother.

The Chili Brothers.

The two of you made battling promos, as they call them in wrestling.

Correct.

Correct.

And so the Chili Brothers were born.

That's right.

And I have seen the video, and we're going to show the video on the show page at maximumfun.org and the Instagram account at JudgeJohn Hodgman.

We're not going to show it here.

You just have to use your imaginations.

Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers.

Can you explain what happened in the Chili Showdown?

Well, here's the deal.

All right.

We're trying to have a chili cook-off, right?

And my brother Gabe, chef's kiss over here.

I think he's going to play fair.

Fair and square.

You thought he was going to play fair and square.

Fair and square.

Yeah.

Podcast, I'll remind you.

Fully square.

Okay.

He made a square shape.

He made a square shape with his fingers.

Yes.

Thank you.

That's when all the sides are the same length.

Yeah.

This guy brings a chili that is basically a Thai chicken soup.

Not a single pepper.

Not a single bean.

No,

nothing, no chili powder.

None of the spice.

You know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, I.

You know what I'm saying?

Why are you pointing at me and then

nodding like we're going to make out backstage later?

You don't grow a mustache like that without knowing some spice.

All right, that's enough.

Randy is enough.

That's where we stop it.

Sorry, Your Honor, Joe.

No further on this podcast.

Thank you.

Got it.

Hot under the robes over here.

I feel you.

You made a different kind of chili, is that right?

I made a regular chili.

It's got the beef.

Oh, some sirloin beef.

Smoked.

I had some beans.

Beans gotta be in chili, brother.

I had some peppers.

Spicy peppers.

Yeah.

But here's the deal, man.

If you want to have a chili cook-off at work, everyone's always worried.

Oh, was it too spicy?

I don't want to eat that.

Oh, was there meat in there?

I don't want to eat that.

Oh, your non-tomato-based chili.

So interesting.

That's so weird.

Let me tell you, brother, that's not chili.

Gabe, what kind of chili did you make?

It was called Thai chicken chili.

That's not chili, brother.

There's no chili.

Let me ask you a question.

Yes.

Did it have peppers?

It had spicy peppers, but not chili peppers.

Not chili peppers.

Correct.

Right.

Did it have the chili powder?

Like chili powder.

Thai bird peppers or something like that.

Correct.

Yes.

Did it have beans in it?

It did not have beans in it.

It did not have beats.

Oh, no.

Oh, excuse me.

Let me rephrase the question.

Did it have beans?

It did not have beans.

It had peanuts.

So it had legumes, but not.

You know where you are.

You can't be calling peanuts legumes.

I get you.

I understand.

Cram nuts.

But it did have peanuts in it.

Wait a minute.

Is it peanut a legume?

Yes.

Peanut is a legume.

I thought now I know where I am.

Yes.

Peanut is a legume.

Pepsi-cola.

What?

Moxie?

You've got a lot of moxie bringing that up here.

Fair play.

Fair play.

Deep cuts and fair play.

That was a fair play that cut deep.

Okay, so you put peanuts in there instead of beans.

Correct.

Uh-huh.

All right.

The recipe did not call.

What did it have in common with chili?

That's a good question, my spicy one.

Yeah.

The recipe was called Thai Chicken Chili.

And it had the word chili in the title.

So the word.

It was recipe title.

It was the word.

And it had chilies in it.

Chilies.

Like chili.

Did it have like Thai chili?

Did it have any cumin?

It did not have cumin.

Did not have cumin.

No.

Any Mexican oregano garlic?

Correct, no.

Garlic, probably.

No.

Oh.

Cilantro.

Cilantro, but no garlic.

Oh, oh, cilantro.

That'll save the the day.

You seem upset.

You seem upset, Marty, a.k.a Monterey, Jack, of the Chili Brothers.

I'm just saying, if you're going to have a death match, no one's expecting the person to die in the match.

It's just a match you have.

You have a dog collar match, you expect someone to have a dog collar chained around their neck.

That's true.

Am I right?

That's true, Jesse.

If you have a dog collar match,

you do expect someone to have a dog collar around their neck.

The other day, somebody said to me, we're going to have a dog collar match.

Yeah.

Right.

This guy shows up in a like a frilly lace collar.

Right, like an Elizabethan collar.

Blew me away.

Last thing I expected.

I expected him to wear a dog collar.

Well, surprise is often the element of a dog collar match.

You wear an Elizabethan collar, you can probably get some licks in early.

It's not going to work.

But it is an expectations game.

I see what you're saying.

Yes, thank you.

Says here in your affidavit.

I usually wear that collar to my new romantic matches.

Yeah, your Adam and the Ant matches.

Says here in the affidavit,

Monterey Jack, my superior chili was not only slandered by that goon, Gabe,

but I argue that the chili cook-off was a farce from the jump.

From the jump, brother!

If a bean-free dish was allowed entry.

So, Gabe, who won the contest?

Wait, hold on.

Did you say

if a bean-free...

I said it.

No, this is what he said in the affidavit.

The chili cook-off was a farce from the jump if a bean-free dish was allowed entry.

From the jump!

You consider the defining characteristic of chili to be beans?

I know you gotta have your chili powder.

Yeah.

We already did this bit.

You gotta have.

Famous.

That's that famous trope of all wrestling promotions.

Wait, what were you gonna say?

I'm sorry, you were gonna say something right then, brother.

I'm sorry, I interrupted you.

I apologize.

I'm centering myself right now.

Excuse me.

What I'm saying is: if you're gonna have a chili cook-off, you gotta know who you're competing against, and everyone's gotta have a chili that has the fundamental ingredients.

That's why I wanted to come to you, Judge Brother, because I knew you would tell us, tell all the folks here in Atlanta, Georgia.

Clearly,

objections clearly placed.

Georgia.

What a real chili is made of and what belongs in a real chili cooker.

That's true.

Atlanta, Georgia, chili capital.

Chili capital of the greater Atlanta area.

Atlanta, Georgia.

Yeah.

I absolutely don't disagree with you there.

Gabe, who won the contest?

Jasmine.

Jasmine!

Who's Jasmine?

The winner.

What kind of chili did Jasmine make?

Vegetarian chili.

No!

Vegetarian chili!

No meat, brother!

Right.

So

here's what I, by the way.

Yeah.

You keep calling me brother.

Judge, Your Honor, Brother.

I'll remind you: I'm an only child.

That's good to know.

No familial ties can sway me

when it comes to justice, when it comes to chili.

Yes, sir.

Now I'm going to say something that's going to make you happy.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm going to say something that's going to make you mad.

Oh, no.

First of all,

you should have won.

That's right.

From the judges.

Only

mouth.

Mouth.

From the judge's only mouth.

Only mouth.

Are you tired of multi-mouthed judges?

I'm only speaking out of one side of my mouth.

I swear to told the truth, you got one mouth.

Yeah.

Gabe,

I'm sure your Thai chicken stew, your Thai chicken peanut stew, was chef's kitsch.

Chef's kitsch, actually.

Chef's kiss and chef's kitsch.

Oh, that works too.

I'm sure it was chef's kiss.

People are yelling, it was a curry.

It was a curry.

Curry instead of curry.

But it was not a chili.

Yeah.

And I will also say.

We're still going.

We can stop there.

Nope.

I said that you should have won, but that being said, I did not taste the vegetarian chili.

It was amazing.

Let the record know that Jasmine is in the audience yelling.

It was amazing.

And

it looks like she's picking up a folding chair

and about to storm the stage.

You can't joke about that, brother.

It was delicious.

Her chili was delicious.

All right, then I take it back.

You shouldn't have won.

Sorry about that.

Justice was served.

In fairness.

Okay, Gabe.

There was a category for most original chili, and therefore that was what the Thai chicken chili won.

The Thai chicken chili won most original chili?

Yes, because it was clearly not a cheap chili.

Clearly was not a chili, but it won because it was the most original chili.

They should have given it to Frank, who brought a cheesecake.

Exactly.

The sanctity of the chili cook-off, brother.

It's important.

We get to get your bananas logic.

I would dare you,

Monterey Jack, and what's your brother's name?

Your chili brother's name?

Sour cream.

Sour cream.

I would dare you to take your bean essentialism and walk over to Texas, United States

and say that.

That was invented.

Yeah.

And say that chili cannot be chili unless it has beans.

I would imagine only your sunglasses and mustache would be crawling back to Atlanta at that point, brother.

And I would say, so long as Jasmine's chili had

chili peppers in it,

and I would say, cumin?

Czech.

I'm going out to Jasmine in the audience.

Garlic?

Yep, yep.

What did you use as a protein substitute?

Impossible.

Impossible.

Let the record reflect that not only is Jasmine pumped about this jelly, she has a hype woman in the audience backing her up.

She has a spliff star to her buster run.

Yes, you two come up here real quick.

Come up here real quick.

Come on, come on, come on.

We got to redo this for the.

Sit down, Monterey Jack.

Sit down.

Are we gonna go?

There's a table right here.

Which one of you is Jasmine?

Neither of us.

Yeah.

It's Jasmine's representative.

What are you doing to us, Atlanta?

What is this?

You work with Jasmine?

Are you here as a representative of Jasmine?

I am here as a representative of Jasmine Jackson.

And you are a fan of Jasmine?

I'm, yes, and I'm married to Monterey Jack.

Oh, yeah, brother.

Let me ask you this question.

Did Jasmine's chili have chili peppers in it?

It did.

You can say woo or something.

Woo-woo!

Did Jasmine's chili have cumin and oregano and garlic in it?

It absolutely did.

Check, check.

Did Jasmine's chili have beans in it?

Yes.

I'm certain of it.

It sounds like a chili to me.

Did it taste better than Monterey Jack's?

It tasted better than every chili in that freaking room.

I can only imagine.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Jasmine,

look.

When is the next chili cook off?

It's on Tuesday in Atlanta, Georgia.

Wait, when was the last chili cook off?

One year ago on Tuesday.

So you've really been simmering this thing.

Oh, simmering like a spice of chili, my brother.

Yeah.

Yeah,

so

your chili, Monterey Jack, should be even the most original non-chili that Gabe made.

Sorry.

Because it is chili.

Chili has to have chili peppers in it.

Well, some combination of chili peppers, that's where the innovation comes from.

You can get a bunch of different flavor profiles of chili peppers, right?

Dried and fresh.

Right, Jesse Thorne?

And if you're Kenji Lopez alt, you can add Worcestershire sauce and fish sauce and anchovies.

Carmite and all kinds of weird things.

There's all kinds of junk you can put in chili, but you got to have the chili peppers in it.

So I'm just beans, optional.

Meat, I dare say Jasmine's proved highly optional.

So you would have won against Gabe, and I grant you that victory.

But Jasmine still reigns supreme.

The title, this title is still Jasmine's.

I look forward to Chili Mania on Tuesday and hearing what the outcome is.

This is the sound of a gavel.

That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Our thanks to Reddit user justlooking0209 for naming the big case in this episode.

Make sure to follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohn Hodgman.

We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohn Hodgman Pod.

Judge John Hodgman Pod.

Yeah, that's both for the YouTube and for the TikTok.

And thank you, by the way, to ME395 over there at Apple Podcast for leaving such a wonderful review.

Longtime listener, says ME395.

My husband and I enjoy the entertaining disputes on road trips together.

Lots of laughs.

There is heartfelt truths in the final judgment that we agree is near, near flawless.

Thank you, Emm395, for that wonderful review.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast, created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne.

Our touring producer was Laura Valk.

This episode, recorded by Stephen Cologne, Natty Lopez is our social media manager, AJ McKeon is our podcast editor, Daniel Speer is our video editor, and our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

We will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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