Cape Codable

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, as always, is the ever-capable, though perhaps not quite so ever-capable, as producer Jennifer Marmor, Judge John Hodgman.

Yeah, I'm only medium-capable at best.

That's always been the case.

Yeah.

Jennifer Marmor, she's the most capable.

And what about you, Joel?

You're Cape Coddable, right?

Originally?

Oh, no.

Yes.

I made you know.

I made Joel crack.

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm here in Maine still at the solar-powered studios of W-E-R-U in Orlando, Maine.

Jesse Thorne, it's nice to see you.

I don't know if you can see on your camera here in the

check it out on our YouTube page and our TikToks and everything else.

My hair's a little wacky today.

Oh, look, it's got like a little cowlick.

Yeah.

You look like a

cool 12-year-old in a TV show about the 50s.

I look like a member of the Little Rascals, the one, that kid that had the beard.

And any case, yeah, I got a little calic going because I drove here in a vehicle without a roof with wet hair that I put moose in to see what would happen.

And if you want to see the before or after, make sure you check out our socials.

Judge John Hodgman on Insta, Judge John Hodgman Pod on YouTube.

and TikTok or whatever.

It's a plug.

It's a plug for my hairstyle.

But then I got a little late, didn't I, Joel?

Because there's some, Jesse, I need to tell you, there's some, some road work being done on Route 1.

Did you know that, Jesse?

Oh, wow.

I had no idea.

Did you know that, Joel?

Yes, I did know that.

Oh, you noticed that?

Did you?

I have to go through it every day twice.

Right.

Okay.

My advice, Joel, take, take Backridge Road.

I could do that.

You could take Backridge Road.

Yeah.

That's what I'm going to do on the way home.

Backridge Road, Jesse.

That's the

workaround.

Joel, that's a little advice from a local.

Yeah.

That's me.

I'm your judge, John Hodgman, representing team from away here in Maine today as we roll into another rollicking docket.

We have a docket today, Jesse?

That's what's happening?

We're clearing the docket.

We're clearing the docket.

What happens is the cases build up.

We can't address them all in a full court session.

We just don't have the time and resources.

You know how impacted the court system is.

So once in a while, we just try and blaze through the docket and take care of business.

We got to pack the court with a rollicking docket.

Hey, before we get into that business, I forgot.

Joel Joel Mann, when I walked in here today, what did you say, Joel?

You said, do you like it hot, right?

Yes.

And I was like, I'll see you later.

I'm leaving.

Yeah, right.

But what he meant was some hot salsa, right, Joel?

Yes.

This was in the refrigerator here at Community Radio, and it had a label on it, big red letters, hot.

This is some hot salsa.

Hot.

Now, when you said, I want you to try some hot salsa, because We did a bunch of fun food fights with justices the last time I was in.

When you said, I want you to try this hot salsa because it's really hot yeah i was i i thought you meant that it was like

commercially prepared salsa from the hanafords

instead you're telling me this is just something from a

weird jar in the break room fridge well it's pledge drive week right now so people bring in food

this is homemade no no okay this is store-bought store bought but it has been it has been sampled already it was in the break room i like salsa very hot and when i tasted this it went wow okay i gotta get i gotta get john to try that sorry joel what what did you say wow yeah because all that food he made me eat at christmas time i still haven't forgiven that's true we did do we did do that holiday party where i made joel eat a lot of weird food so this is

so this is revenge yeah you say this pledge drive time for weru yes yes and people want to support the station to go to weru.org there you go right member member and community supported all right i'll try it out and i'll tell you what i think hot huh wow whoa yeah that's an afterkick, too.

Well, it's like, I feel like it's crawling its way down my throat via the roof of my mouth, like Tony Colette in Hereditary, you know, when she's up on the

up on the ceiling.

That's a spoiler.

Wow.

Now, instant hiccups.

Joel, you're supposed to be a radio professional.

Why are you allowing me to do this?

Payback.

Holy whoa.

Wow.

Isn't that something?

Okay.

Well, I'm going to have the the hiccups throughout this document.

There has never been a more compelling case for people subscribing to our YouTube channel at Judge John Hodgman pod

than the faces John has been making for the last

75 seconds or so.

Joel, we're rolling, right?

Yeah, I need you to go get me some water.

Okay, here's a case from Nisha in Portland, Oregon.

My husband, John, regularly takes cookware from our kitchen to go camping with.

Then he will dump said dishes, soiled with mud and food, into the sink.

Please order my husband to stop taking our regular dishes on his camping trips.

Okay, Joel's out of the studio now.

I feel like maybe I should nail the door shut and I'll let him back in.

Jesse, you ever go camping?

You ever go camping?

I have been, I went camping once.

I'll tell you what happened.

It was before I had children.

Yeah.

My wife and I bought a tent and went to State Park, you know, near Los Angeles with our then-dog Coco.

Yeah.

And we put up the tent.

We ate something.

We

cuddled with Coco.

Cuddled with Coco, of course.

Hugged and kissed.

Yeah.

Went to sleep.

Yeah.

woke up,

remade the fire, ate some bacon and eggs or or something.

Yeah.

And then I got so mad and bored that we left.

I was like, we already cooked.

What else is there to do?

Yeah, once you have that bacon and eggs on the fire, you might as well go home.

Yeah.

I wasn't ready to wait a further 12 hours for the next hugging and kissing.

Yeah, exactly.

Time to go home after that.

You've had the whole experience.

Joel, you ever go camping in Maine?

Motel 6.

We got a situation here where Nisha's husband, John, regularly takes their regular old cookware and regular old dishes from their kitchen on camping trips.

Like, what are we even talking about here?

Like, your Joseph Heller plastic plates or your Rowan trees?

Like, real, real China, bone china, maybe?

I didn't know about this type until recently as a city boy, a lifelong city boy.

I did not know about this type of camping where you like put a refrigerator into your car

and then you like sleep under the car or something.

I I don't even know how it works exactly.

Like you bring a volleyball net.

And you know what I mean?

Like this whole thing was completely foreign to me until recently.

I learned about the depth to which it goes.

Mostly I think I learned about it by like wandering past something in Costco and being like, wait, that's for camping?

Yeah, no,

my one experience with camping.

was when my wife was a whole human in her own right.

Right after we first started coming up here to Maine, she's like, you are going to go camping.

And I'm like, I went camping once as a youth.

I hated it.

I chopped a stick in half.

I was done.

That was my whole thing.

And she said, no, you're going to come.

So we drove all of our equipment over to her dad's house on the lake.

And then we put that all in a canoe and we canoed over to a campsite and we set up our tents.

And it was already terrifying because our daughter, who was younger then, not yet an adult, was like, I don't understand why I can't have several open candles in my tent it'll be fun like no you can't you can't set yourself this is terrifying to me i'm like i'm gonna it's gonna be hard enough for me to sleep uh a because of fear of ghosts and and aunts and uh specters and bears b because i'm afraid you're gonna set yourself on fire and c because my wife was holding me in her own right told me no you don't need any any kind of pad to lie on you don't need a cot you just sleep on the ground that's how i always did it and you know what jesse You need a pad or a cot.

Yeah.

No one sleeps on the ground.

They sell these things.

They're good.

And after one night of sleeping in pure pain on the ground, on the floor of the forest,

my wife, whole human being, et cetera, has banned camping from our lives.

There's an appeal to, do you remember a case on Judge John Hodgman that we had where people essentially built a...

uh like a a full-scale post-apocalyptic tent village i'm so glad you yes i do remember and i'm so glad you brought it up.

These people had a real, a real setup.

They would drive out in their big old van and then they would put up several different, like it was a whole burning man situation.

Like they created, they had a whole geodesic dome just for putting on band-aids or whatever.

They created a whole campsite that was seemed like a semi-permanent living situation.

The gear is the fun.

That's why there was that John Glazer show gear.

So the idea that you're going to take your Fiestaware, your big, heavy Fiestaware out to your campsite

not only goes against, I think, the spirit of camping, but also you're putting Nisha back there at home in the city of Portland, Oregon at a disadvantage because they don't have the plates and cups that they need to use in order to live.

There's no point.

There's no point in any of it.

I'd like to go back, but I would want to do it with the gear.

It's like John Muir said,

famous naturalist.

Are you really communing with nature if you're not using one of those Swiss Army knives?

Only instead of a Swiss Army knife, it's like a fork, a spoon.

You know that thing I'm talking about?

Gosh, that is the coolest thing.

Yeah, but what's the point of camping if you don't have the fun toys?

And those fun toys are things to put your beans on.

Here's something from Tim in Los Angeles.

Why, that's the city in which Jennifer and I live.

I use a blank Google document to keep track of all of my to-dos and upcoming events.

I can add and delete things quickly and use color coding, images, links, and bold text.

Everything I need to keep a neat and orderly life.

I do not impose this system on anyone else.

My husband, Mike, wants me to get rid of this document and instead use a personal or shared calendar.

This is extra work, and I don't want to do it.

Jennifer Marmur,

we often use,

look, it's not buzz marketing, one of of the major monopolies.

We often use Google Docs to organize, to write our scripts and organize ourselves here on the Judge Chun Hodgman podcast.

Yeah.

I guess that's an invitation to hackers now to find that stuff.

I think you would agree with me.

It's not a perfect system, right?

Yeah, very imperfect.

Very imperfect.

A bunch of glitches, wouldn't you say?

I would say.

Like, for example, this script that you sent me via email, the link gets me to the script, but I can't find it in my shared, my shared folders anymore because something changed you know what i'm talking i hate that part i hate that that's wild like it was shared with me why isn't in the shared with me they changed their mind about something i get it it's not perfect but tim tim has a system that works for tim it seems to me right i mean

oh jesse thorne please Tim is in a romantic relationship with his husband, Mike.

They share a household.

Yeah.

And I'm sure that they share many tasks,

many appointments,

and many priorities, which have to be distributed between the two of them.

And Tim's system is not interoperable with his husband's system.

I don't think that Tim's husband is saying, sweetheart, I want you to

use my system because I think my system is better.

Right.

I think he is saying, and I think it's better for you.

I think he is saying, sweetheart, we need to have a way to organize our priorities and schedules that works for both of us and that allows us to communicate with each other.

Well, what could be more simple than sharing a Google document?

Obviously, all you need to do is create a unique link.

What kind of insane person keeps their schedule in a Google document?

I'm just saying.

Google makes a calendar product.

You print out the link and then you bring it to the town office for approval.

And five days later, you can walk it over to their personal inbox and then they can type in the link and then they can get an opportunity to request access to it.

It's simple.

It works for us.

Judge Hodgman, I keep my calendar.

Again, sorry to plug a monopoly that is just, you know, selling my mother's maiden name on the Silk Road,

along with

upcoming scripts for Judge John Hodgman episodes.

But I keep my schedule on a Google Calendar.

My wife doesn't.

My wife uses an app called Cozy.

It's like a family app.

It has a variety, you know, it's a little suite of software, not unlike Google's suite.

Yeah, sweet and cozy.

But the two of them are interoperable.

So Cozy can import my Google Calendar.

And when my wife creates something in Cozy, it shows up on my Google Calendar if she tells Cozy to put it on my Google Calendar.

And that, I think, is fine.

That's an example of two people who prefer different systems, but the systems communicate with each other.

So we know.

I know, John, that you've mentioned that you and your wife share your

grocery list in your notes app.

Yeah, well, now we use reminders, which is an Apple product, not to, well, very much to buzz market a technological monopoly because I love Apple and I want to go back.

Take me back, Apple.

I love you still.

I'm a PC forever.

Anyway, yes, we use that.

And it works good.

Works pretty good.

And the reason that you use it is because it is a lot easier to have a shopping list that is shared between the two of you.

And I love getting notifications all the time.

I love being on a phone call and then getting a beep going like, oh, no, are we in the middle of a new natural climate?

calamity or is there something happening in the political realm and it's like no your wife who's a whole human being in your own right has added beets to your shopping list none of these systems are perfect but i see your point jesse thorne that uh that when you are sharing a life with someone uh it is reasonable to find some reasonable integration of at least your calendar so you can know what each of you is doing i don't think that tim needs to give up his system um but i i do think that it should be a fair there should be a fairly seamless way for him to put things that Mike needs to know about into a shared calendar at the same time.

Or just grant, just grant Mike full access to your weird document, Tim.

I mean, I hope you are anyway.

What are you hiding?

And then Mike can just add the stuff that he thinks is important to the calendar or something like that.

But yeah, I'm sorry.

There is extra work.

You say this is extra work, and I don't want to do it, Tim.

But do you know what marriage is?

Definition of extra work.

I got Joel again.

Point, point, point, Tim.

You got to eat the hot salsa.

Now I'm kind of thinking I want to have another bite of that salsa, but it's mostly because I'm just hungry.

So I'm going to leave it alone.

And you can hear, and you're going to hear what it did to my voice.

You know what?

I'm going to give you a shot to have another bite because we're going to take a quick break.

We'll be back in just a second with more cases on the docket.

All right, Jesse, I'm going to have another bite and I'll be right back.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org/slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are clearing the docket this week, and we have a case from Julie in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

I have self-published two novels.

When it comes up in conversation, my husband Steve refers to these books as published.

I believe there's a clear distinction between published and self-published.

Whenever Steve says my books are published, I believe he is lying.

If I don't correct him, I am lying too.

If I do correct him, the conversation turns to the publishing industry.

Then instead of feeling proud of my books, I end up depressed.

I'd like the judge to order my husband to stop referring to my books as published in conversation.

Hmm, this is interesting.

You know, I, you know, I used to work at a literary agency.

Yeah.

And there was a lot of stigma at the time assigned to self-publication.

True.

Because

there was no electronic publication at that time.

Either you had a book printed and put into bookstores or you didn't have a book published.

And there were companies that

were disreputable, that would take money from aspiring authors usually middle-aged weird dads who had always you know always wanted to write the great American novel or whatever but spent their whole lives you know working in the widget in the you know middle management of the widget company or whatever and now were finally going to do it and realize that they there was no way for them to get an agent or get an inroads at a major publishing house and they would be preyed upon by these companies that would have claim to publish your book what they call vanity publishing, where you had your book, your manuscript, and the company would say, pay me several thousand dollars and I will technically print up your book.

And then you get it in a box.

With weird margin sizes.

Yeah.

Exactly.

As a guy who has received a lot of self-published books in the mail over the years, because I host a public radio show,

there's nothing weirder than a self-published book's margins.

I don't know what they're getting wrong.

I don't, I can't put my finger on what's wrong about them.

But,

you know, Judge Hodgman, I was in that industry at one point.

Really?

Well, I was in that industry, adjacent.

I found a, I was on a middle path.

Our friends in the Kasperhauser comedy group were performing sketch comedy in San Francisco, and a person saw them performing.

Obviously, they're geniuses.

Go listen to the Kasperhauser comedy podcast.

Total geniuses, right?

And at the time I was doing some work with Kasperhauser.

I was actually helping them with the publication of their first book, Sky Mall, which is one of the funniest things in history.

A truly published book.

And two of the guys from Kasperhauser got this job working for a publisher promoting a new novel.

And they did on-the-street happenings.

They like wrote sketches that they performed at Book Expo or whatever.

It was like this whole involved thing that paid very well.

And I was on some sort of,

I got some kind of job on some sort of like focus group or something that, again, I was getting three or $500 or something for an hour.

I couldn't believe it.

It was amazing.

Incredible.

And it turns out that this book was written by this tech millionaire.

And this tech millionaire had taken his tech millionaire.

Who shall remain unnamed and unloved?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah.

He wrote this novel.

And it was truly like, it was like uh the world's worst i don't know it had a very like strong late 60s vibe of like a personal it was very burning man-y.

Okay.

And he wrote this novel and then he took his millions and started a publisher.

Like he couldn't get it published.

So he founded a publishing house,

like hired industry veterans, multiple, many industry veterans

to publish this novel.

And then

he had read or someone there had read that the way dan brown made the da vinci code a huge hit was by seeding the book by giving it away to many people uh-huh and then it had you know become popular word-of-mouth spread sure word of mouth spread yeah and so i to this day find this book in thrift stores wow constantly because they gave away like 25,000 copies or something.

Yeah.

Because he figured, well, I might as well just spend a million dollars on printing printing copies of the book to give away.

And a big part of Casper Hauser's job was like figuring out ways to get people to take this book for free.

So they were part of the unnamed tech billionaire's street team.

Yeah.

The book was called Wild Animus.

I just remembered.

Wild Animus.

Wild Animus.

Now our listeners are going to be sending us pictures to the Judge John Hodgman Instagram of when they find it in the bookstore shelves of their local thrift store.

Oh, here we go.

It's It's a story of one man's journey through the 60s and into adulthood.

Yeah, two stars on Goodreads.

I'm not going to name the guy.

No,

and I trust that he is loved by the people who care about him.

That was a rude thing to say.

I love him.

I needed the money bad.

So, right.

I mean, that kind of self-publishing is something that gets you

sort of talked about and made fun of on podcasts years and years later.

And there was no end of people who

not only was there a stigma attached to self-publishing, but because there was

a lot of the self-published authors who were sending us copies of their published books were very,

they liked to say that they were published authors.

They were not the way Julie is presenting herself down there in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

So people who self-published their books weren't necessarily presenting themselves the way Julie in Mansfield, Massachusetts is.

They were usually older guys who wanted to write a book because they wanted to have written a book and publishing that book even if they paid for it themselves either by creating a publishing company or paying money to a vanity publisher that they needed that to complete the loop of their ego to have published that book and so i really respect julie self-publication i hope has less of a stigma now because a lot of great

A lot of great authors have started now,

started out their careers by self-publishing because they can do it.

There are ways for you to publish your book electronically and distribute it through various websites.

I'm not going to buzz market any in particular.

And you can market them and send them around and share them and they show up in people's e-readers, indistinguishable from any other book.

And it's a great democratization of the publishing industry, which I think is very, very good and powerful.

And there are lots of examples of great authors who have been discovered.

and very successful authors have been discovered initially through self-publication, which is great.

I mean, it's a huge part of the New York Times bestseller list now, is these self-published or small, independently published books.

I mean, it was one of the great disruptions of the publishing industry ever that these tech companies realized that they could eliminate the role of the publisher simply by standardizing margins.

It's true.

And we had a tech genius come by our literary agency and explain

in the very late 90s exactly what was going to happen and why it was going to happen.

And, And,

you know, look, the literary agency still thrives and it is adapted, but the initial reaction was, that's never gonna happen.

In any case,

Julie, you should not be ashamed to have self-published your books, but I applaud you for appreciating the nuance and

the uncharacteristic humility.

of an author to say, no, I don't want to say that I have published the book.

I have self-published the book and it makes me self-conscious, Steve.

You should not feel ashamed of what you've done, but what you have done is you have self-published the book.

And I appreciate your commitment to honesty.

I think when you say that your book is published, what you are expressing is not that you wrote a book

or that people bought your book.

both of which are entirely possible through self-publishing.

But I think like part of what you are communicating is that it has passed through several gatekeepers, right?

I think that's right.

I think that is essential.

When you say published specifically, and again, there can be good and successful books that don't, that have not been quote unquote published in that way.

Right.

But I think when you say published, what you are saying is both a literary agent and an editor and an editor's committees and bosses all, and I know that's more than both now,

all said this is worthy of spending a bunch of money on because, you know, publishing a book costs a bunch of money one way or the other.

So

I think that she is right and sensitive to realize that the message her husband is conveying is not.

Yeah, true.

Exactly.

And that does not mean that those gatekeepers necessarily are virtuous or that the work is worth more because it passed through those gates.

But that is the connotation.

as you say, Jesse, that you connote when you say, I've been published.

When you say my book has been published, that does not mean I've hired some young men to try to push it into people's hands on street corners.

That's that's pamphleteering.

Or at Book Expo.

Yeah, for example.

In any case, I mentioned this book, Wild Animus, that was self-published by your former boss, Two Stars and Goodreads.

And I'll just go ahead and say

Julie's book is called Yeshu, Y-E-S-H-U, and you can find it wherever, well, not wherever books are sold, but you know where to find it if you're curious about it.

And I wish you the best of luck.

And Julie's husband, who's a whole human being in his own right, Steve, got to eat some hot salsa as punishment.

Ow.

Here's something from Michael.

I have a dispute with my wife, Carrie.

We live down the road from a thrift store that's run by a charitable organization and community center.

Carrie enjoys shopping there, but I feel guilty about it.

I think the store is meant to meet the needs of our neighborhood's lower income residents.

We are not their intended audience.

Carrie says she wants to support small businesses, save money, and avoid waste.

She also says her purchases help to support the store's community initiatives.

Is it ethical for us to shop at this thrift shop?

Well, since we're buzz marketing things, I'll go ahead and plug this wonderful thrift shop, which is Maison Marie-Louise

in Vanier, Ontario.

And, well, I mean, what do you think about this, Jesse Thorne?

You are an avid thrift and secondhand shopper.

Is there such a thing as ethical thrifting in late-stage capitalism?

I have very strong feelings about this.

So

I'm just kind of out with them.

Yes, of course.

Thrift stores serve an essential role in our economy in the reduction of waste.

The reality of the situation is that thrift stores receive many, many more donations than they can successfully sell.

The big thrift store chains, your salvation armies and your goodwills,

and even their for-profit counterparts, all make a significant amount of their business by selling, palletizing, and selling overseas excess donations.

And a significant portion of their cost is the cost of disposing of

goods that cannot be sold on any market,

at least efficiently, right?

I do think that one of the essential roles of a thrift store in the economy is to provide an accessible and affordable source of clothes in particular for people in the community who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford them.

That function is well served by thrift stores generally.

And

I don't think that if you are,

you know, speaking as someone who has shopped at thrift stores out of economic necessity and in my childhood particularly,

it is not,

there is not a shortage of product, right?

If you need a coat to be warm,

you will be able to find a coat to be warm at a thrift store.

It will not be, you know, taken from your hands by someone who is shopping for themselves out of, you know, interest or interest in

reducing waste or even interest in moving it through the marketplace, right?

Like I buy a lot of goods secondhand at thrift stores, garage sales, flea markets,

every source I can find to stock my store.

And I feel I have no

moral discomfort with doing so

because all of those things are being taken out of the waste stream that the profound affluence of first first world, so-called first world countries like the United States, create.

And

yeah,

I know from experience that

thrift stores can serve multiple purposes.

I'll also sometimes hear

that thrift stores are exploiting their customers by pricing items closer to their market value.

And

I also feel pretty strongly that thrift stores, especially nonprofit thrift stores,

are absolutely within their rights to do that.

You know, they are trying to keep the lights on like anyone else is.

Whether you agree or disagree with their mission or believe that they are the most efficient charitable organization in the world

is a separate issue.

You know, I think,

for example, that a lot of people have objections to the mission of the Salvation Army

because of their faith-based underpinnings,

which I think are reasonable objections.

But yeah, I just don't think that

shopping at a thrift store is

for because you like old stuff better or because you want there to be less trash in the world

is

taking

clothing off the backs of anyone.

Right.

And the place like clearly just going through this website for Maison-Marie-Louise, and

I don't even speak a lot of French anymore,

I can tell that this is not just a thrift shop or a vintage shop.

This is a whole organization that is designed to help low-income families in need.

to get res they have all kinds of programs for uh nature outings for get people out of the city they have programs for helping people get set up in new apartments with the

furnishings and cookware that they need.

And all of this is supported by the sales of the thrift shop.

So you are, I think, pretty clearly, it's pretty clear to me, Michael, that Carrie's purchases from the thrift shop, as she claims, are supporting the whole suite of services that this one organization is doing.

And if you feel guilty about it still, there's nothing stopping you from making a further donation and paying some of those those brooklyn vintage t-shirt prices for those ontario t-shirts that you're getting at the thrift shop um and that can help alleviate some of the guilt you feel but you know rather than simply coming to a podcast to say that you know better than your wife is a whole human being in her own right just off the top of your dome another thing to do would have be to contact maison marie louise and ask them how does what what what do they think about more affluent members of the community buying stuff in the thrift shop.

Is that good for them or bad for them?

They're the ones who know, not just you, me, and Jesse Thorne.

You know what they're going to say?

Hello, it is,

we prefer that you not shop in our stores.

Thank you.

Look,

if they're French-speaking Canadians, they very well may say that.

I mean,

they're a pretty feisty bunch, but that's the way to find out for sure.

Okay, look,

we're going to be back in just a second with more on the docket, including some very hot actuarial gas.

Got that actuary goss.

We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is headed out on tour starting September 11th at the City Winery in New York City, then heading thenceward across the Northeast.

the Midwest and the West Coast.

We are going to have a good old time.

And I hope that if you live live in one of those places, you've already got your tickets or are about to get them because I don't want them to sell out on you.

Maximumfund.org/slash events.

I mean, we are nearing a sellout, I believe, right now in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Maybe by the end of the episode, they may be gone.

Meanwhile, New York City, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Addison, Wisconsin, St.

Paul, Minnesota, Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, my hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts, Vancouver, Canada, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, Los Angeles, and stay tuned for the San Francisco Sketch Fest.

They're all available to you now at maximumfund.org slash events.

And if you live in one of those cities, we need your disputes because we hear them live on stage.

Every show is a little different thanks to you and your disputes, which you should submit as soon as possible to the tune of now at maximumfund.org/slash jjho.

Let us know if you've got a dispute for one of the cities we're on tour and we'll consider it.

Maximumfund.org slash events, maximumfund.org slash jjho maximumfund.org slash judge john hodgman Road Court.

That is all.

Guess what, John?

What?

I'm so excited about this tour that I learned how to put a capo on my ukulele.

People don't know necessarily if they only listen to the show that you play the ukulele and sing songs during these shows.

And I'm going to sing a song too.

And you only see it if you see it live on stage, maximumfund.org slash events, maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho to submit your disputes.

And that's everything you need to to know about the Judge John Hodgman Road Court.

It's about to hit the road.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Here is a case from Lawrence in Sandy Spring, Maryland.

All right.

I often have to be in Zoom meetings with fellow senior citizens.

One regular attendee uses a doctored photo that is at least 25 years old in his profile.

So when he turns off his video, he looks really great and makes the rest of us look bad.

Please, please order him to use a photo that shows what he looks like now.

Is this a professional Zoom meeting or a social Zoom meeting?

Does it say one way or the other?

It doesn't say.

I'm just, you know, I'm not a fan of pranks necessarily.

Uh-huh.

But if this is just among friends, I just think a solution might be to get the message message across is that when he sets his profile image as himself 25 years ago, what you do is, Lawrence in Sandy Spring, Maryland, you take a screenshot of him as he is now, preferably like having a funny look on his face, like he just ate some spicy salsa or whatever.

And then you distribute that to entire group.

And then you, the entire group changes their profiles to him as he is now and just turn off your camera simultaneously.

So he he just sees himself as he is now, the way he is now.

That would get the message across.

Don't you think, Jesse Thorne?

I was thinking maybe you just change your profile picture to like George Clooney.

Oh, okay, very good.

Maybe even George Clooney from 25 years ago, even like the ER George Clooney.

The honest truth is that I don't think it makes everyone else look bad.

I think that's a picture that this person

likes and likes.

We all choose photographs that are flattering of ourselves.

This isn't, he's not like entering a, he's not like entering a youth contest with a false photograph.

All right, Jesse Thorne, but if he's, if he's like on a dating app.

Yeah, if you're right, like if he was representing himself as that's how I look now,

then it would be a problem, but he's not.

He's saying, this is a picture of me.

What about the fact that I routinely use as a headshot a picture that I took of myself in 2015?

I support it.

This is show business, baby.

Yeah, flash that up on the YouTube channel.

Flash it to Daniel Spear, our video editor.

Make sure you flash a picture of my 2015 headshot next to me now, having eaten some hot salsa.

Yeah, I, you know what, Jesse Thorne?

You have turned, you have turned my judgment around.

I agree.

If he is not misrepresenting himself, but rather representing himself in a light that he finds flattering to him.

We all deserve that.

We all deserve to represent ourselves in the light that feels most flattering.

We get to choose our own lighting on Zoom.

We get to choose the light in which we represent ourselves.

And so we should also get to choose our setting and we should feel comfortable

in real life and in Zoom.

Like, I don't understand why people don't find a spot that has good lighting,

that they wear a nice, they wear some nice clothes, maybe they use a nice microphone so that they sound good and they look good and therefore they will feel good as they're communicating via virtual teleconferencing.

So sorry about that, Lawrence.

You got to eat some spicy salsa.

Take a picture of yourself and send it in.

Ow.

Okay.

I want to hear this actuary gossip.

Oh, Le Goss Show?

Let's do it.

So

if you're a new listener, you may not know that a little ways back in episode 658, Cease and Delist, we had two wonderful litigants, Tyler and Abby.

And Abby complained that Tyler's top five list-making hobby was too annoying.

But she also told us some hot gossip from her work as an actuary.

She told us off-mic, if I remember.

She didn't want to reveal the actual gossip, but she told it to us privately.

And so we loved that hot goss.

And we put out a call for more hot actuary gossip.

And we got some.

I can't wait to hear this update, Bailiff Jesse.

What's Le Goss show in the world of Les Actuaire?

Matt says, I am an actuary working in the pension sector in Canada.

I'm writing in response to your request for hot actuary Goss.

Our CEO recently made an internal feel-good town hall speech to prepare.

We did a deep dive into the data.

By the way, if you work at an actuarial company,

that's how you prepare for literally anything.

You're like, well, tomorrow's Easter.

Let's prepare by doing a deep dive into the data.

Deep dive into the data.

Triple D.

We discovered a 100-year-old survivor was actually collecting two survivor pensions.

She had been married to a plan member who retired and subsequently passed away at age 73.

She was left with a survivor pension.

She then remarried to another retired member from our plan.

When he died a few years later, also at age 73,

she began receiving a second survivor benefit.

Note that while this makes the goss less hot, it is totally legal.

Wow.

Our little old lady just so happened to have the first name Ivy.

So when our CEO shared her story in the town hall, the legend of Poison Ivy was born.

Sadly, she recently passed away at the age of 102.

Look, I have a dispute with the adverb sadly there.

She had an incredible life.

Yeah.

We don't even know about the husbands that she murdered that weren't part of this retirement plan.

Well, I mean, you know, she was just waiting for them to turn 73, apparently.

Exactly.

Well, that is an incredible, not only an incredible story, but also it may be my new retirement plan.

Now that I know that it's,

I know that it's legal to become a black widower in Canada.

God, I would love for my mom to marry a soon-to-die 73-year-old with a good pension.

She could really use some survival.

Hey,

if you're an older Canadian and

you're feeling lonely and you're in the market for an incredible, an incredible life partner

like Jesse's mom, I mean, specifically Jesse's mom, one of the smartest, funniest, and kindest, and most interesting people I've I've ever met, who's got an eye for the antiques, I dare say, as well.

Maybe she's got an eye for you, you old antique.

Why don't you send your photo in and

we'll send them over, Jesse's mom.

And I want real photos, up-to-date photos, please.

Don't send in your 2015 headshot of me.

That would be weird if you sent in my 2015 headshot.

Send in a recent photo of yourself.

and get ready to sign that pension right on over.

Jesse's mom has got it going on.

Jesse's mom has got it going on and she needs some financial stability.

Yeah.

I can only do some of that Canadian style financial stability.

You know what I'm talking about.

Three disabled children.

Speaking of Canadian.

Marry my mom, please.

And by the way, if you're coming to our Vancouver show, go to maximumfund.org slash events for that.

And

you're an elderly Canadian fellow who's looking for a good time and a life partner.

Let us know.

We'll say hi to to you there.

Send some pictures.

All right, the docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodgman created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode engineered by our pal Joel Mann, the main man at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.

Our social media manager, Natty Lopez, our video editor, Daniel Spear, this podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video-only content there.

Yeah, you can see me eating this hot, hot salsa that Joel made me eat on behalf of the WERU Pledge Drive.

And guess what?

I'm going to have another bite.

This is my contribution to the Pledge Drive.

But if you like community, we know that you like community-supported media and you're probably and wonderfully wonderfully a member, listening member, and contributor to maximumfund.org, which we encourage you to do.

But if you've got a little extra time and attention you want to pay to WERU, go ahead and get it.

Here we go.

Hot stuff coming in.

Why did I do that?

It was terrible.

Did I just get off my shift at the factory?

Or is John's head a steam whistle?

Wowie, Sally.

Okay.

It's a hit end in this.

I'm going to power through this.

Thank you so much, by the way, to Steve VMD on Apple Podcasts for your wonderful review and five-star rating.

Steve VMD said, this is an all-timer.

This is what got me hooked on podcasts years ago when I thought they all could be as interesting and informative as Judge John Hodgman.

It is, and it's also funny, warm, and insightful, a true gem.

Thank you so much, Steve VMD.

Look, we only exist because of your support.

So if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

give us a little review.

Spread the word wherever you listen to podcasts, leaving a review and

leaving a few stars around, maybe up to five even, really help people discover the podcast, as does sharing our videos on YouTube, as does sharing our social media posts on Instagram and elsewhere, or as does just telling a friend about it.

Hey, Joel, you're a friend of mine, even though you made me eat the stuff.

I hear WERU is good to listen to.

Have you ever heard of the Judge Shanajman podcast?

No.

Well, give it a try sometime.

Maybe when you're sounds interesting.

Maybe when you're stuck in traffic on Route 1 you forgot to take Back Ridge Road.

Hey, we're just a few weeks away from the beginning of the Judge John Hodgman Road Court tour, and it's not too late for you to send us your cases for the road.

Are you a New Yorker fighting with a cab because you're walking over here?

I'd like to get that cab in into the city winery and hear its side of the story.

What about Philadelphia?

What can we solve for you that doesn't involve throwing a battery?

I know Washington, D.C.

is our nation's capital, but this is the highest port in internet land in Pittsburgh.

We've never brought our show to your city before, or should I say Yin City?

Bring your French fry laden sandwiches and all your other hot beefs to us.

And if you live in the other cities that we're going to.

Wait, hold on.

I have to clear something up here.

I got to clear the airport.

Okay, you got to clear the air.

We recorded some pre-roll announcements that are broadcast locally to some of the cities that we're visiting or the areas that we're visiting.

Local jokes get you local work.

We recorded them all in a row.

And apparently, in recording the Pittsburgh one, I accidentally said Jinzers instead of Jinzers.

I know that Jinzers are what Pittsburghers are called.

So I don't, it must have been me misspeaking or something.

I remember this going really well, and I didn't hear you mispronounce it, but we did get a letter.

from a Jinser saying he said ginser or ginser.

And maybe you were speaking about Pittsburghians who only drink gin.

I don't know.

Yeah, but anyway, I just want Pittsburghians to know that I know that you call yourselves Jinsers, which is why I was so excited to say Jinser.

I also know that

there is an outfielder, now mostly designated hitter, for the Pittsburgh Pirates named Andrew McCutcheon.

He's a legendary Pittsburgh Pirates player, sort of one of those near Hall of Fame level players, really great player and a really lovely guy.

Cutch.

Yeah, Kutch.

He played for the giants for three quarters of a season and he's still beloved in san francisco just because of what a charming guy he is yeah many years ago uh the big furry con is in pittsburgh pennsylvania sure

and uh many years ago the pirates had a game the same day as the furry con and i think uh they were sort of intermingling the crowds were intermingling uh they're in the downtown pittsburgh area where the three where the three rivers connect sure

uh And Andrew McCutche tweeted the word furries.

Just that word.

Just the word furries.

This became an internet phenomenon that Andrew McCutcheon had just tweeted the word furries.

People realized, especially in the furry community, that the big furry con was going on in Pittsburgh that day.

So they knew what he was talking about.

And since that time.

Furry con, they got it going on.

Yeah, that was five or ten years ago.

And since that time, every year when the furry con rolls into Pittsburgh, Andrew McCutcheon tweets furries.

And he's really embraced his role as a non-furry icon of the furry community and a hero of that portion of the Venn diagram that is furries and pirates fans.

So if you're a furry or a pirate, you know you're welcome at our show in Pittsburgh.

If you're a Yinser of any kind, and that's right, I said Yinser.

And speaking of which, we also know the official names of all these other cities.

So if you're an Ann Arbor, Michigan, you're an Arborean.

If you're a Madisonian of Wisconsin, if you're a St.

Paulite of Minnesota, if you're a Burlington, Vermonte, if you're a Portlando from Maine,

if you're a Turner there in Turner Falls, and if you're a Commonwealthian child of Brookline, we'll be in Brookline, Massachusetts.

If you're a Vancouverite, a Seatlin, or a Portlando of Oregon, or

a Riceronian from San Francisco or

a sweet, sweet angel from the Angels, aka Los Angeles.

You should come see us on Judge John Hodgman Road Court.

Get your tickets at maximumfund.org slash events and get your cases to us for the road court at maximumfund.org slash jho.

Jennifer, we've got some live episodes from our last tour come to the feed soon, right?

That's right.

I think when people listen to the live episodes, I think Judge John Hodgman live episodes are pretty much the only live episodes ever to hit a podcast feed to acclaim.

I have never,

we have gotten so much positive feedbacks about live episodes of Judge John Hodgman and the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

It is a different show every single night of the tour featuring folks from

the place where we are performing.

It is a thrill ride for us and the audience every single time, as any of you who have heard one of those live shows can attest to plus it has a lot of secret stuff that you only get to see if you come to the show uh it is a really great time and i hope that folks in all of those places will go to maximumfund.org slash events and get their tickets now by the way john we announced ann arbor ann arbor's full sold out sold out in one day Ann Arboreans are no longer called Ann Arboreans.

They're called sold outios.

Yeah.

Don't let that happen to you.

Get your tickets, maximumfund.org slash events.

Get your cases in maximumfund.org slash jjho.

And by the way, as long as you're over there at maximumfund.org slash jjho, that's where we get all of our disputes from you.

They all go directly to my eyes and ears and love to hear from you about any dispute you might have.

Because after all, if we don't have your disputes, we don't have a show.

So keep your beefs up and get your disputes in at maximumfund.org slash jjho.

And I did all that through a big mouthful of spicy salsa and I feel pretty good about it.

Maximumfund.org slash JJ HO, no matter what your dispute is, but especially if you're in one of those places.

And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows, supported directly by you.