Van Freaks Roadshow in Austin

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne here with Judge John Hodgman.

This week's episode was recorded live at the Paramount Theater right down there in Austin, Texas, with special guest Aaron Franklin.

We talked with Texans about movie collections, home videos, kitchen towels, all the most important topics on the tip of everyone's tongue.

We captured the zeitgeist of Austin, Texas on this episode of Judge John Hodgman.

It's always fun keeping it weird down there in Austin, Texas.

This is one of our best shows, so I hope you enjoy it.

So let's go to the stage at the Paramount Theater live from Austin, Texas.

Austin, you came to us seeking justice, and we came to deliver it right here at the world-famous Paramount Theater.

The form of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.

Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Please welcome to the stage Joel, Hanna, and Miriam.

Tonight's case, Hodgman John Judge Podcast, comma the.

Joel brings the case against his two kids, Hanna and Miriam.

Hanna and Miriam have a project.

They want to watch their family movie collection alphabetically.

Joel says they're out of order.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Sticks and stones will break my bones.

I always

will be true.

And when your ma is dead and gone, I'll sing this lullaby

just for you.

What becomes of the little boys

who never comb their hair?

They're lined up all around the block

on the nickel

over

there.

Let's climb up through that buttonhole

and fall right up the stairs.

I'll show you where the short dogs grow

on the nickel

over

there.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear the men.

Don't encourage it.

Don't encourage it.

Encourage it.

Joel, Hannah, Miriam, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

Sure.

Do you swear to abide by Judge Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has a half a slice of brisket from earlier today

on top of his podium?

absolutely judge hodgman you may proceed johanna miriam you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favor can either or any of you or we have a tripartite case tonight name the piece of culture that i performed as i entered this courtroom uh i i don't uh miriam let's start with you no

okay

do you do do you have do you have a guess

could be a movie that you're watching in alphabetical order it could be anything It reminded me of O Brother, Where Art Thou, but I know that it's not from that.

I think that's a really fair guess, and that is from the O section of their library.

Oh, brother,

where art thou?

Thank you very much.

And now, Hannah, what is your guess, if I may?

Well, it was performed beautifully.

I also have no guess.

No guess at all.

Let me see.

No, I was about also at O Brother, where art thou?

So clearly, we're not at the O's yet, so I can't.

It's okay, great guess.

They are identical twins, so there you go.

There you go.

All right, Joel, Joel, it's down to you.

We have two O Brothers, where art thou?

Was that a stirring rendition of the Tom Waits classic Christmas card from a hooker in New Orleans?

First of all, Joel, it's Minneapolis.

Ah, damn it.

This close.

And second of all, Joel, that was last night in St.

Paul, Minnesota.

It really was.

He really sang that song last night.

Very good guess, but all guesses are wrong.

As Jesse knows all too well, I have been torturing him with cultural references that are just my Tom Waits impersonation.

Every single show.

Song after song after song.

I don't know.

I like the real Tom Waits.

Your Honor, I'm not sucking up, but you can torture me with your Tom Waits imitation anytime.

Shut your pie hole, sir.

The answer is it was a Tom Waits song.

The Tom Waits song is, you might guess, on the nickel, from Tom Waits' album, Heart Attack and Vine.

And Jesse, you don't think that Tom Waits is hot, but let me tell you something.

When I looked up Tom Waits

and I found it on the Austin City Limits webpage, it was listed as one of PBS's most requested videos.

Tom Waits at Austin City Limits, 1978.

All right.

Thank you, Joel, Miriam, and Hannah, for your guesses, but we do have to hear your case.

Who seats justice in this courtroom?

I do, Your Honor.

You, Joel.

Joel, what is your complaint against your children?

They seem very, very nice.

They had great taste in guessing movies.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So

they started this project nearly three years ago, where they decided to watch our entire family movie collection of nearly 500 movies.

In alphabetical order, but in a completely arbitrary alphabetical order.

Because I don't think there's anything arbitrary about the alphabetical order.

Well, that's what I'm going to say.

Hang on.

There was originally.

But now,

it's a pretty well established one.

Tell them why they haven't watched the 40-year-old virgin yet.

It was 4 a.m.

when we made this list.

We put numbers at the back.

I have no idea what their order is.

Numbers at the back.

Yeah, I agree.

Thank you.

And do you think that's a good idea?

Do you think there are no librarians in this audience?

It is very weird.

Do you want to do that?

Do you really want to live in a world where you're watching Avengers Endgame before Avengers Infinity War?

I know I don't.

I've seen those movies in order.

I've lived in a world where they're in order.

Maybe I wanted to see what a world without them in order was like.

I didn't.

Hannah, who came up with this scheme?

You or Miriam or the two of you?

The original idea just to watch all of them?

Both of us.

The alphabetical order?

That's the one I'm talking about.

Me.

100% me.

And why alphabetical order?

It makes, so what he's leaving out of why we started this in 2021 and not say at a more reasonable time when the world was under a global pandemic

was because

he decided that we should spring clean the house.

And we realized, hey, we have about 450 or so DVDs because it was less when we started this.

Or you've gotten more since.

Yeah.

He bought tonight.

I've gotten more tonight.

He bought eight tonight.

What kind of weird dad are you?

In the past two hours, he's bought eight movies.

All right.

Guilty.

Hang on.

I'm just going to.

Did you just have someone meet you at the theater from Craigslist?

And so we

were doing the spring cleaning meeting.

We're like, we have no idea how many of these movies work.

Are you going to buy more movies on stage?

Joel.

Jesse, please.

Yes.

Shut your pie hole, sir.

Thank you.

And so.

It's Hannah's turn to talk.

Thank you.

We decided to watch.

All of the movies to make sure the DVDs work.

And when you're starting with that.

Well, I mean, they're like wax cylinders if you don't don't use them.

Exactly.

And so when you're starting with that many movies, one long-term storage for that many movies, alphabetical makes the most sense.

It's bananas, yeah, right.

Yeah.

And so then when we were trying to organize and make sure they all worked, going in alphabetical order just made the most sense.

Did it make the most sense to you as well, Miriam, or were you just bullied into this by your

the numbers at the end part, I was bullied into.

Alphabet and and this ordering the series in really dumb ways i was bullied into ordering the series in really dumb ways wow we're we're watching harry potter i think we're watch starting with the second one and ending with the first one

we are let's put this in a in a in a local framework uh famous austin director richard linklater wrote uh created three movies before sunrise before sunset before midnight

which one would you watch first

Before midnight.

These movies were shot years apart from one another in order specifically to document how aging changes people.

Well now it's a Benjamin Button scenario.

Sometimes it does make it more interesting.

You know, Joel, when I learned that you bought eight DVDs tonight

in the year 2023.

No, streaming.

I bought them on stream.

Oh yeah,

when he found out that we were doing this, he decided that we had to add in all the movies we own over streaming as well.

Yeah.

We were originally just going to do DVDs.

We added streaming to appease him.

Oh, I see.

This is correct.

Because I asked, you know, what kind of weird dad are you?

And I forgot, but I actually have your weird dad bona fides here in the notes.

You are 54 years old.

Yes.

You are an avid runner.

Checks out.

Just ran the Chicago Marathon.

I did.

But stuck around in Chicago to see fish.

Five shows.

Five shows of fish.

B-H-I-V-E shows of fish.

Absolute weird dad, 100% blue ribbon weird dadness.

I'd agree.

So where are you now in the list now, Miriam?

We just watched Born on the 4th of July today, which was our 70th movie.

You have a born.

That's a B.

That's a B one, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got a long way to go.

Why is this?

Well, now we have to go back to the 80s because he bought American Psycho.

I'm only home

four months of the year, and two of those I'm at camp.

I see.

So I'm really in the house two months of the year.

So you'll only watch them together.

Yes.

That's correct.

Or over streaming, where they come up alphabetically that we can watch them in our dorms.

That has happened.

Only if they come up over streaming.

This is an idea.

Yeah.

It hasn't happened to you.

This is your intention that you're putting into the universe, but your sibling is saying that has not happened yet.

Well, we have, as they've come up, whenever that's happened, we've been at DVD-only movies.

Do you want to keep doing this?

Do you want out of of this, Miriam?

Hanna seems to be in charge here.

Which one of you, you're identical twins?

Yes.

But you're wonderful, whole human beings in your own right.

Yes.

Is one of you somewhat older than the other?

They are.

Oh, I was going to say, guess.

Let the records show that Miriam indicated Hanna is slightly older and a big bully.

Is that

fair to say?

No, comment.

Joel, would you care to comment on that?

Definitely older.

I can't call them a bully.

I can't either.

Joel, you're here too.

This is adorable what they're doing.

Why do you care?

And why are you upset by this?

And why are we even here in court?

So

I'm really touched by this project.

I think it's a way to, you know, at the rate they're going, I'm going to be long gone by the time they finish it.

And so it's a way to keep me close to their hearts after I shuffle off this mortal coil.

So you're talking about abandoning your family for fish, right?

Yes, of course that's what I meant.

Because you're in good health.

You're a young man.

Don't worry about it.

You love what they're doing so much, you couldn't help but come up with a better way for them to do it.

Exactly.

There are very few things in my personal life that I'm organized about.

My music collection and my movie collection are two of them.

And so

I want to pass that anal retentiveness on to my kids.

Here's the thing: the movies were not organized before we started this.

We organized the movies.

All right, Hannah,

Miriam, you explain.

Tell us what a damn mess it was.

It was, okay.

We had movies in the room with the DVD player.

Rest in peace, the DVD player.

Wait, you killed the DVD player?

Yeah.

Don't indicate to me that I shouldn't hear that story.

I want to hear the story.

Those are usually the good ones.

When someone holds their hands out saying, don't even ask.

That's what I have to ask.

So we have to watch via a laptop

hooked up through an HDMI cord.

Hanna doesn't know how to work that.

This sounds really fun.

It's my favorite thing that I get to hook it up every every time we watch a movie.

So there are movies in the DVD room.

Yeah, there are movies in there.

There was movies where they're stored in

what order?

There was no order.

They were in bookshelves with books.

They were, I don't know, I'm pretty sure there were some in people's rooms.

Right.

I think you could go to any room in the house and find a DVD.

What I'm learning from this, Jesse, is that people in Texas have a lot of rooms.

I know.

I feel like that's really interesting.

To you and I, that's the story of the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast: is wow, people in other places have a lot of rooms.

They have a whole room for their dead DVD player.

They haven't even moved it out yet.

Well, the DVD player is in the living room, but the storage for all the DVDs is in our parents' office.

What do you have, like case logic folios or what?

Do you have towers?

Do you have towers, Joel?

DVD towers?

I used to.

They're in a bookshelf.

They're in cabinets.

Right.

Do you go to the Sharper Image, get the DVD bookshelf out of there?

Miriam, you didn't like the disorder of the DVDs.

How do you feel about these guidelines alphabetical order?

Are you 100% on board or less than 100% on board?

Less than 100% on board.

What percentage would you estimate would you be off board?

I think.

I would say I'm 85% on board.

Let the record show that Hana has pumped their fist in victory for the mere 85%

agreement with the plan.

Like Dennis Eckersley after recording a save, just like a classic.

that's right.

A classic kind of choo-choo

pull down.

Yeah.

Over the several conversations we've had in the last week about this, I had no idea where she was going to go with that statement.

Okay.

85% on board is not 100%.

What's lacking?

It's in such a weird order now that it makes, if we weren't doing this and you wanted to watch a DVD,

I feel like it makes it less enjoyable because you necessarily can't find the movie the same way you couldn't find it before.

Have you looked in alphabetical order?

Yeah, but my first thought when trying to find something in a series is not,

what's let me count.

They're in order in the cabinet.

Oh, yeah, I did fight for that.

I forgot.

They're in order in the cabinet.

I don't know what she's talking about.

People just haven't been putting them back right.

I forgot they're in order.

Hannah, please stop bullying your sister on stage.

I make no promises, but I'll try to restrain myself.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

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Miriam, would you like to watch the series movies in chronological order?

Yes.

Joel, it's none of your business.

He's not watching them.

You would prefer that your children watch the series at least in chronological order.

Absolutely.

Looks like it's two to one, Hannah.

And I will.

Why would you not want to watch a series in chronological order?

It's fun.

You like to break it apart, break it down.

Also, some sequels don't have that they're sequels on there.

So I didn't know the series.

Like Be Cool was one that we watched.

I don't even know the name of the first movie, but we're watching.

Dead Shorty.

And Dad walks in.

He's like, this is the second one.

Thank you, Dad.

I'm with you.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Thank you.

He doesn't put that it's a sequel anywhere.

How the hell am I supposed to know it's a sequel?

We didn't know that.

So you were you were confused

because you watched a series out of order.

Exactly.

I don't.

No!

I'm not confused.

I'm saying that if they're not even going to bother to put it on there, I shouldn't have to be bothered to follow it.

We were also sorting at 2 a.m., so we couldn't ask him for help.

He didn't want to help us in the first place.

Let me understand how long this project is going to go on.

You have an idea to watch them remotely in the future.

Yes.

But do you live at home with the DVD collection?

No.

Currently, I am on a leave of absence, so I'm there, but most of the time I live in Chicago.

Right.

But Miriam,

you're not living with the collection.

Nope.

So so far, this is only happening when you come to visit and

you're with the collection on your leave of absence.

Correct.

So how much time of of the year is that

two months and how long if we're lucky and you've gotten to you've gotten to the mid-Bs it feels like right yeah yep right okay we would have been farther but again he keeps buying things

okay I think I've heard everything I need to in order

please rise as Judge Sean Oshman exits the courtroom Joel how are you feeling about your chances here I'm feeling great I feel like just just being here to embarrass my kids when I have so little time left now that

you're not a new adult.

I'm not dying.

You're just about to abandon us all to go watch that.

Joel, we're not dying.

We're just bald.

Tana and Miriam, how are you feeling about your chances here?

I

feel good about most of the alphabetical.

I don't feel good about the fact that I have a feeling I'm not watching Harry Potter in the way that it's on there.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Well, this was glorious.

First of all, I have to say

that the idea of watching series movies in alphabetical order is kind of wonderful.

Thank you.

You know, as someone who was trained in deconstructionism and literary theory at Yale, a four-year accredited college in southern Connecticut.

The idea of dismantling the text and letting different echoes of the text resonate

against itself out of order and reflecting the fact that narrative is, you know,

narrative like time is perceived by humans in one direction, but it doesn't exist that way in real life, and these texts exist simultaneously.

I'm with you 100%.

Thank you.

Yeah.

But I am not your identical twin.

Nor am I your weird dad, though, if I were, I would be proud to be a weird dad to both of you.

Thank you.

This is a delightful process that you have devised for yourselves to finally not only enjoy a whole bunch of movies or not enjoy them, depending on how you see them, but to force yourselves to imbibe a whole bunch of culture during that time in your lives when this is all, this is what you have to do.

Like, this is the time where you have time to just take in as much culture as possible.

This is how you create your own obscure cultural references so that when you're in your 50s, you can turn to your partner or friends or perhaps your own child and make a reference to Tom Waits.

And they'll be mad at you.

And you'll be like, Rumblefish, motherfuckers.

No one watches Rumblefish anymore, Jesse.

I thought he was good in that Cohen Brothers movie.

Yeah, that's right.

The Buster Scruggs.

Exactly.

That Buster Scruggs movie.

What was the full title of that?

The ballads.

The ballads.

The Buster Scrugs.

Yeah, B, The.

You won't believe.

Have you seen it already?

No, because it's not on DVD.

And that's not on our.

And that's what makes the whole scheme beautiful.

You are doing it all on dad-style DVDs.

Miriam, you keep the list.

Thank you.

You are in charge of the list.

And my first order is that nothing gets added to the list, dad.

This whole thing relies.

It is built on a house made out of plastic discs.

Streaming, that is a house divided against itself.

It will not stand.

This whole dumb scheme

only takes on its full beauty if you are working through your weird dad's catalog of old DVDs.

So all those streaming things that Joel added, Strike them off the list, Miriam.

No streaming movies are allowed.

Only physical.

And you're not allowed to add to the physical pile either.

We've got a planet we're trying to sustain here, Joel.

Now we have a library locked down.

Now, as for watching in alphabetical order, I stand by it.

However, series, Miriam has the option to watch them chronologically.

Hannah, you can make the argument for deconstructing the text, but you will lose.

Miriam's going to win that one.

Also, you got to get a new DVD player because this other thing isn't working.

This is the sound of a gap.

Judge Sean Hodgman rules that his own.

Joel Funna Miriam, thanks for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

I'm Emily Fleming.

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Matt Lieb.

We are real comedy writers.

Real friends.

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On every episode of our podcast, Free With Ads, we ask, why pay for expensive streaming services when you can get free movies from apps with weird names?

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Tune in every week as we take a deep dive into the internet's bargain bin.

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The Flophouse is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Robert Shaw in Jaws, and they're trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghoulies, and he scratches his fails and goes, I'll get you a ghoulie.

He's just standing above the toilet with a heart.

No, I'm just looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild West is historically inaccurate.

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Find it at maximumfun.org.

We're taking a quick break from the stage in Austin, Texas, where we had a great time.

John, do you remember when we went to Franklin BBQ, sat at a secret table by a secret airstream, and then Aaron Franklin, his wife and his co-workers just brought us huge plates of food and we ate until we started sweating uncontrollably.

I remember about half of it until I passed out from pure pleasure.

Yeah, that was that was, by the way,

I think it was the day after I had done, we had done almost the exact same thing at my friend Lauren Pasternak Siegel's restaurant bangers in Austin, Texas.

It just brought us 20,000 sausages.

We had a good time in Austin, Texas for sure.

And if you're listening to this episode, then you get a sense of just what a good time going to a live show is like.

You may feel that you've heard it all, but guess what?

You haven't.

When we do our live shows for real in person, there's all kinds of stuff and songs and surprises that you don't get to hear on the podcast.

You only get to hear them if you show up.

So we hope that you do show up to our shows in New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Pittsburgh, Ann Arbor, Madison, St.

Paul, Burlington, Portland, Maine, Turners Falls, Massachusetts, my hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, and Los Angeles.

It's always better when you're there.

And you know how much fun we have.

There's a different show every night.

Go to maximumfund.org slash events to get those tickets.

Now, I'll say it again, Jesse Thorne, maximumfund.org slash events,

where tickets are available now and going fast for all of those shows.

And if you've got a dispute for us that you'd like to have heard in the courtroom live on stage, you should submit it at maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

That's where you go to submit all your disputes.

Just let us know.

I'm going to be there in Madison or St.

Paul or Burlington or in your hometown of Brookline or with Monte Belmonte in Turners Falls, Western Massachusetts, or wherever you might be going.

I have a case that I think you'd like to hear.

Make sure you let us know over there at maximumfund.org slash JJ H O.

If you're somebody who has a buddy that, you know, maybe heard John on This American Life years ago, or, or, you know, saw him on the daily show or watched Dick Town or who listens to Bullseye on NPR or just loves an easy-to-enjoy night of comedy, I would encourage, this is my break to say,

you're listening to Judge John Hodgman right now.

Bring somebody to the show that's never heard the show before because I think they're going to have a great time.

It's happened before, and people come up to us and say, I never heard it before.

I really loved it.

I'm going to come back.

It's a great show, suitable for all ages, and a really nice night on the town.

If we're coming to one of the towns where you live, maximumfund.org/slash events.

Please, no babies.

Don't bring babies to our show.

They might mess up the show.

If you bring a baby to the show, it better have a good case.

I'll put it that way.

Let's get back to the stage in Austin, Texas.

So, we're about to move into the segment that we call Swift Justice.

Oh, it's about to get real.

We're going to hear as many cases as we can in 15 minutes.

We're going to put that up on the clock.

But first, Jesse, we have a friend of the court here.

I was thinking we might like to bring in a friend of the court.

He is not only the founder of the legendary Franklin Barbecue, he also recently revived the Eastside's legendary Uptown Sports Club.

Chef, author, good dude, sometimes goes to Maine.

Yeah, he's been to Maine.

Heard about that at lunch.

Please welcome friend of the court, Aaron Franklin.

Aaron Franklin, everybody.

Yes.

Local hero.

Local.

Been to Maine.

Been to Maine.

Local hero.

hero.

Hey.

I like Maine.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for being here.

How are you?

I'm awesome.

We had some wonderful barbecue at your place today.

You have a new book out as well, correct?

Certainly do.

It's called Franklin Smoke.

It's the third of three, and it came out back in May.

Do you mean to say there's not going to be any other books?

It's the last of the trilogy.

Oh, really?

In what order should we read them?

That's a fine question.

Actually, I think you should start with the second one.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Alphabetical.

I understand.

So how are you?

What did you do today?

You know, normal workday, I'm doing great.

I had lunch with you fine fellows.

That was really fun.

It was good to see you guys.

I think technically I...

I still have some of your brisket right here.

No.

It's been out for far too long.

It's been sitting on a towel.

Aaron, I think that on stage under the lights.

I think I technically ate five lunches today.

I think I put down 40 pounds of meat.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm surprised you're doing okay.

Do you watch your movies alphabetically?

Yes or no?

I don't.

No.

I do not.

I like my movies in chronological order.

What's your favorite movie?

Oh, I mean, put me on the spot.

I'm a dad in his 40s.

I mean, I'm going to have to say Back to the Future, the Goonies.

Yeah.

I mean, duh.

100%.

I thought you were going to say Master and Commander.

Which is the correct answer to that question.

We have 15 minutes on the clock.

We're going to pack as much justice into that 15 minutes as is humanly humanly possible.

Aaron, we're going to need your help because you, sir, are a local celebrity.

Will you stick around and opine?

I've got 15 minutes before the next movie starts.

All right, let's do it.

Please welcome to the stage Jeff and Pim.

Jeff works at the University of Texas, Austin.

His wife, Pim, is an attorney for the state.

They met each other playing on a kickball team together in San Antonio.

That's amazing.

And

I'm sorry to see that you swallowed the kickball.

It was

an intense game.

It's been there for a while.

Welcome, Jeff and Pym.

Who seeks my justice in this court?

I do, Your Honor.

It is Jeff.

Jeff, it says here that your wife, Pym, thinks you laugh too much.

That's mostly right, yes.

That's the complaint.

Another shot fired in the war on mirth.

Pim, what is the problem specifically with Jeff's laughter?

The problem specifically is that it's too loud while I'm taking videos of our precious children.

So, when you take videos of your children, Jeff is laughing in the background.

Yes.

And what does it sound like, Jeff?

Hoordy horror!

It's assertive.

I wouldn't say aggressive, but it's assertive, yes.

Assertive laughter.

Ha ha ha!

Good one, child.

Ha ha.

Very adorable.

Something like that?

That's about right, yeah.

And Kim, you'd like to tone it back maybe to like a reserved or recalcitrant from aggressive or assertive?

A chuckle would be great.

A chuckle, a slight chuckle?

I mean, obviously.

Obviously, Jeff is not laughing in the style that I was laughing.

It's down from there.

How does the laughter ruin the video?

I think it detracts from the child.

He's not the subject of the video.

The child is.

Well, you brought in some evidence.

And we have your permission to share it.

Yes.

All right.

So if you would turn your attention to the screen, we're going to Jesse Thorne and Aaron Franklin.

Watch closely.

This is some evidence.

I like you.

The baby in your belly.

I bet there's a

Play it again.

I like you

the baby in your belly ivet is a girl.

It sounds to me like all the pieces of your scheme just came together.

It was a little bit more Disney-esque villain than I had anticipated.

A little bit more ghost host from the haunted mansion

than I was thinking.

Can you do it now into the microphone for an imitation?

Indeed, kids do say the darndest things.

Aaron Franklin, you are a parent to a human child.

Do Do you have any reactions or thoughts to Pim's complaint?

You know, I think that at home, when our child is laughing or Stacey is laughing or I'm laughing, that's kind of the highlights of our day.

So I'm generally a fellow that's real into laughter.

You're pro-laughter.

I am super pro-laughter.

Right, interesting.

So I may already be biased on this.

So

it's sort of like the just enjoyment of the adorable thing is kind of part of the moment that's being captured.

It's kind of part of it, but I think, you know, the opposite of laughter is sadness.

Man.

I'm glad we disagree.

I would disagree with you, Aaron.

The opposite of laughter is literary humor, and I should know.

Aaron, I wonder

if the situation was reversed.

We're not trying to be comedy show funny.

We're trying to be shouts and murmur funny.

Just a raised eyebrow and maybe a soft chuckle like Pim demands from her husband.

Kind of less of a ha-ho-ho-ho and more of like,

I get it.

I get that cartoon.

Clever.

That's how you prefer Jeff to respond to your child.

I mean, I will say I feel like this is a fairly mild example.

I mean, this is maybe like...

Hey, you submitted the evidence.

I know, I know.

But I delete most of the ones where his laugh is aggressive.

Now I ask

expert witness

Aaron Franklin, just hypothetically, we have a lovely husband and wife here.

They're expecting a new child.

They obviously are in love.

They have an adorable extant child.

If the situation was reversed and Jeff was saying,

I wish Pim would laugh less,

and when I I capture her laughter on tape, I destroy it.

How do you think I might rule in that situation?

I would imagine about the same.

Well, I don't know.

I tend to be pro-laughter.

Jeff, do you ever take the videos?

Whose job is it to record these moments?

I acknowledge that Pym has taken on that role as many wives and mothers tend to.

And I could do a better job of taking my pair-share videos.

Pim, do you take on the mental load of the videos, and therefore you have the right to erase your husband from the history of your child rearing?

Yes.

Are you allowed to react to your own children audibly on the videos?

Do you erase yourself when you accidentally express emotion?

I would never.

I take my job as their director very seriously.

Do you really feel

You feel that your job is to document the children, not his reaction to them or yours.

Right.

If he's in the video, sure.

Laugh.

Your job is to raise your children silently and judgmentally

in the New England style.

Which, ironically, Jeff's family is from New England.

Well, if you were doing it in New England, there wouldn't be video at all.

It would just be a matter of taking a few hours to get the child to sit for a scrimshaw.

Jeff, how does it feel when Pim says that you are ruining her future memories of your early adulthood, of your early parenthood, I should say?

Well, I do feel guilty because sometimes the videos feel like I'm walking in on a video, they're in the kid's room, I walk in, I see something funny, I laugh, and I feel like maybe I ruined that video.

Sometimes it's a second take.

Oh, kid did something cute.

Let's have him do it again.

Second take.

A second take.

Second take.

Who's directing these videos?

Jim Burroughs?

I think it's a David Fincher 90 takes in a row.

Yeah.

Stanley Kubrick up in here.

Yeah.

But

those I feel, I still feel like, you know,

I got to live in the moment.

And it would be a weird thing if my kids are doing something adorable.

They look at me for validation.

I'm just sitting there stoic, stone-faced.

You know, I feel like there has to be some kind of affirmation for them for doing something cute.

Pim, what if you got like an applause and a laughter sign like at a sitcom tape?

I'd be open to that suggestion.

But also, also, smiling isn't loud.

Are you trying to lose?

Are you throwing the case?

Did you just say smiling isn't allowed?

No, isn't loud.

Oh, smiling isn't loud.

Excuse me.

I'm a screen.

Also,

no smiling.

One time on the set of Bored to Death, a TV show that should have won an Emmy and gone for 19 seasons,

I was in a scene with Oliver Platt, a very great actor and a wonderful guy, except on that day, because I was reading lines with him.

He was on camera, and I had to deliver my lines off camera.

And I was standing over there, and

we were doing it.

And he said, hey, buddy, because he didn't know my name, hey, buddy.

Now he knows my name.

But at the time, buddy, he said, hey, buddy, can I do a really horrible actory thing and ask ask you to turn around?

Because I don't want to make eye contact with you while he was delivering his lines.

You see what I mean?

And so I had to read my lines, turned around into the drapes like this,

performing the thing.

And that was because that was a professional television production, not a home movie.

I understand what you're trying to do, Pim,

and I appreciate your dedication to your craft and your art.

But I can't ever have one spouse tell another spouse to stop laughing.

It's part of the moment that you're recording.

It's part of being a parent, is laughing at your child.

And now

you understand that you have already been given an out, which is if you appear in the video, you are allowed to laugh.

So if you feel the urge coming on, just photo bomb it.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Sorry, Pim.

Thank you, Jeff and Pim.

Let's welcome to the stage Elijah Elijah and Melissa.

Elijah and Melissa.

Elijah and Melissa are engaged, but still living separately.

Earlier this year, Melissa sued Elijah in the court of Judge John Hodgman, and won.

Elijah requests an appeal.

Well,

this is pretty unprecedented.

And I'm not in a good mood about it.

You're playing a dangerous game.

A dangerous game, Aaron Franklin.

You know, Aaron Franklin, we've never heard an appeal in the court before.

This, I believe, is a first.

I'm glad I'm here for it.

Should I throw them out or hear the case?

We should hear the case.

All right.

You're lucky.

You're lucky that Aaron Franklin is here, Elijah.

What was the case in question, Melissa?

Refresh my memory because I have none.

Well, when this whole thing started, when we realized there was an issue with him having bathroom towels in the kitchen,

bathroom towels in the kitchen, I remember now.

Yeah.

Instead of kitchen towels, Elijah would bring towels in from the bathroom.

Bathroom towels.

They live in the kitchen.

He said he was going to take me to court.

He was going to take me to court over this issue.

Well, I took him first, and the ruling was, and I quote, boyfriend wrong.

And I'm just here today to make sure it's

I think that was the episode where I had accidentally turned into a Hulk.

I don't know, boyfriend wrong.

Boyfriend wrong.

I think that was the episode of our show.

Right.

I ruled boyfriend wrong.

And Elijah, you're here to tell me boyfriend not wrong, boyfriend good and smart.

Boyfriend have new system.

Change everything about kitchen towels.

Break it down from the beginning.

Watch Avengers in reverse order.

Learn new.

Boyfriend Smash.

Elijah, what is your argument?

Sorry, I was enjoying that more than I enjoyed the main accent.

I know.

You were into it.

Yeah.

Elijah, what's the basis of your appeal?

My concern is...

Your concern.

My concern is Melissa calls this a bathroom towel.

What's that?

This piece of brisket?

Oh.

But that's my brisket towel.

This is a bathroom towel.

Let the record reflect that Elijah is waving around two very similar looking towels.

One is a hand towel.

One is larger.

One is a hand towel.

And the other is a bath towel.

A bath towel.

Right.

Yes.

I want to know what is so crazy

about using this towel in a kitchen.

Okay.

So

you realize how far the crowd has turned against you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I understand.

Boy, friend, wrong.

Boy, friend, wrong.

Boy, friend, wrong.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I mean, let's

see if I had that power.

Let the record show

for those listening at home, it's really amazing.

Every member of the audience here in the Paramount Theater in Austin has stood up and turned their back to the stage.

Aaron,

you are a culinary professional.

May I share the towel with Aaron?

It feels gross.

Not to tip my hand.

Two questions for you, Aaron Franklin, if you please.

One,

what room is that towel traditionally associated with?

And two, regardless of the answer to one, and please answer in numerical order, not alphabetical,

is that suitable as a kitchen towel?

This is the towel that Elijah has brought as evidence.

Aaron Franklin?

Okay, now this towel is clearly excessively absorbent.

It is a hand towel size from the restroom.

Right.

And as a culinary.

But not from a restroom and a restaurant.

No.

From a home.

From a home.

Home bath.

Bathroom.

Right.

Okay.

Established.

And as someone that really is kind of a nut for cleanliness in kitchen stuff.

Now, why would you you be?

And why would I be?

Right.

I mean, as a culinary sort of professional?

Yeah.

You don't like briskets stored on stage towels, do you?

Absolutely not.

No, you want it to be clean.

I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan of kitchen towels being in the kitchen and bathroom towels being in the bathroom.

I might suggest get some nice kitchen towels.

I agree.

This is the sound of a galaxy.

Guild and I.

Thank you, Elijah and Melissa.

Let's welcome to the stage Ariana and Robert.

Ariana and Robert met playing Dungeons and Dragons together because

they've been married for 13 years and have two children.

Ariana and Robert, what were and perhaps still are your characters in Dungeons and Dragons?

I'm usually not the player character these days.

I DM when I get a chance.

Me neither.

You know what I mean?

You get to be my age.

I am an NPC all the way.

He was a wizard, I was a ranger.

Thank you for the short answer.

He was a wizard, I was a ranger.

Let's put that on a t-shirt as well if you don't know.

No, I was a warlock, actually.

All right, which of you seeks my justice?

That's a type of wizard, sir.

You can't fool me.

I am the complaintant.

And what is the nature of your complaint?

So we have a long-running tradition of sorts

where when both of us have stubbornly dug in our heels on some complaint, and it has to be a minor, unimportant issue of some sort, this cannot be something important.

When one of us is different.

Ariana, can you tighten this up a little bit?

Yes, sir.

When one of us is wrong, they have to sing the other a song.

Got it.

Thank you.

The Robert Was Right song for the Ariana was right song.

Thank you very much.

Swift Justice, we have to go as quickly as possible.

There's a timer right there.

When one of you is wrong, you have to sing the other a song.

A wrong song, if you will.

No, a Robert was right song or an Ariana was right song.

Oh, excuse me.

Yes.

Yes.

You have a piece of paper in your hand?

Oh, this is in pertaining to the original complaint.

I was right about something.

She refused to sing the song directly to me because she found out while she was at work at her office.

She found out that she was wrong.

It was wrong.

Yes.

And she sang, allegedly, to an empty office.

She sang the wrong song in her office.

Excuse me.

The Robert is right song in her office after learning that she was.

What was the dispute about?

Let me see your piece of paper.

Oh, okay.

A lot of words there.

Wow.

I trimmed it when I sent it to your people.

I thought you had a bunch already.

No.

Were you expecting me to have some for you?

I wasn't planning on doing any for my class.

Okay, good.

Maybe we can put a list together sometime.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You tried to bring this into my Swift Justice?

This is not an overnight smoke, sir.

Robert, you owe me a Robert was right song later.

Ariana, singing it now at work.

At work.

And you alleged, supposedly, you're saying she's lying.

You're saying she didn't sing the song at all?

There wasn't even an office mate.

There's no way to know.

There's no way to know.

That cat could be dead or alive.

We don't know.

Yes.

If a wrong song falls in a forest and et cetera.

Ariana, did you sing the song in your office?

Absolutely.

Can you appreciate that that might not have brought Robert the sense of justice that he felt he was owed?

I have two main points.

I'll hear them.

Were you to hear me sing, you would not assume it was a reward for anything.

Ah.

So it was natural for me to assume that it was the singing of the singing of the singing.

Well put, Ranger.

You're very welcome.

It was natural for me to assume that it was the singing of the song, not the hearing of it, that was important.

My second point.

The audience is turning around again.

Oh, okay.

I see myself.

But I'm willing to hear your second point.

My second point is that the singing of the song is important to the singer.

It encourages a certain give and take.

Continue, Ranger.

If you are in a situation where you're coming to loggerheads, you shut up because you don't want to sing the song.

I see.

But the singing the song is punishment.

It's contrition.

It's a pragstic, yes.

But it is not, you're saying it is personal contrition.

It's like a confession between you and your religious professional, not something you actually have to share with your warlock friend.

Yeah, my religious professional being you said that your singing would be punishment for Robert.

Now, you understand that if I find in Robert's favor, he believes that you owe him a song.

If I find in his favor, you're going to have to sing it.

Well, to him.

I would like an additional song, actually, Your Honor, for being right.

Wow.

Ariana, will you come privately over here?

I'll put the microphone away.

I need to hear the song.

For the listener at home, John and Ariana are consulting on the matter of the song.

Thank you, Ariana.

I've heard the song.

Would you please sing it to Aaron Franklin now, please?

For the at-home listener,

Ariana is performing the song upstage to perhaps the world's greatest barbecue pitmaster, Aaron Franklin.

Do you acknowledge...

I don't know what the, what the...

How was the song, Aaron?

It was beautiful.

I know.

It was great.

You have a great voice.

Very well done.

I agree, Your Honor.

Easy, Warlock.

I don't like compelling anyone to do anything on stage.

But, Ariana, you acknowledge that you were wrong in the case, in this case?

Oh, no, sir.

I acted in good faith, to the best of my knowledge at the time.

Since then, since he's proven that it's so important to him, I've always sung to him.

You've always sung it to him?

Since then, yes, since we have established the rules.

But at the time that you sang the song in your office with no one around to hear it, you acknowledge that you were wrong on that issue.

Oh, on the issue that spurned the song, yes.

Right.

But you feel you've already performed it to the universe?

Yes.

But not to Robert?

Yeah, he didn't.

I didn't know it was important then.

And now you know.

And I stated it right there in the initial dialogue that I was waiting to hear it.

To be fair, that initial dialogue is 47 feet long.

Yeah.

As insufferable as your sense of entitlement is, Warlock.

I have to say, Ariana, I love your Rangers' brevity.

All who wander are not lost.

You're amazing, but you do owe him the song.

I'm sorry.

Singing alone in your office is not the same thing as singing to your spouse.

Aaron Franklin, you're pro laughter, right?

I love laughter.

How do you feel about singing?

Pro or anti?

Wow.

I'm not asking you to do it.

I'm just saying, should there be song in life or there should be non-song?

There should absolutely be song.

All right.

You have a choice to either sing it into his ear.

Where no one can hear it, or you can sing it right now and get a rapturous round of applause

and clear the air forever.

Okay.

But it's your choice.

Robert was right, Robert was right.

Robert was right.

Robert was right.

Robert was right.

Robert was right.

Robert was right.

Thank you very much.

Robert?

Yes, Your Honor.

May I never hear from you again.

You have gotten justice.

This far, no further.

You shall not pass.

Thank you, Ariana and Robert.

And

Aaron Franklin, our thanks to you.

We are such fans of yours and so honored to have gotten to visit you.

I hope everyone will not only go check out your restaurants, but also your books.

And look, if you're like me, you have a PBS living subscription and you should stream Aaron's television program as well.

Thank you so much for spending the time to talk to us.

Thank you guys for having me.

Aaron Franklin, everybody.

That's it for another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Our thanks to everybody who helped us out in Austin, Texas, and everybody who came out.

I hope that you will join us on a future live show.

Go to maximumfun.org/slash events for the calendar.

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It's also fun just even if you don't have, even if you're not a punster yourself, it's fun to just see what people have to say there at maximumfun.reddit.com.

I love going in and seeing those titles that people come up with.

People are very, very imaginative and it's fantastic.

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And thank you, Lisa Hoover in Oak Park.

That's their handleover on Apple Podcasts.

Lisa Hoover in Oak Park was so nice to leave a review, review, a five-star review, I dare say, of one of our other live shows when we were in Washington, D.C.

Lisa Hoover in Oak Park listened to the one about Mice in the Toaster.

Five stars.

Thanks for the continuous entertainment.

I thoroughly enjoyed Mice in the Toaster.

Strange preference, but people like what they like.

Lisa goes on to say, everyone is so quick-witted.

Bravo.

Thanks for the laughs.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Our touring producer was Laura Valk.

This episode recorded by Jeff Bird.

Natty Lopez is our social media manager.

A.J.

McKeon is our podcast editor.

Daniel Speer is our video editor, and our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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