J'Accruise!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, Ja Cruz,

Laura brings the case against her friend Stacey.

Stacy loves the reality show Below Deck about the lives of people working on luxury super yachts.

Stacy says she's a natural little yachty and would be a great member of the crew and the show, but Stacey's friend Laura says she can't handle it.

So does Stacy's husband, and so does Stacy's own mom.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

I command a king's ship, not a private yacht.

We do not have time for your damn podcast, sir.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in.

Laura and Stacey, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he does not have a super yacht, but merely probably a skiff?

Skiff seems about the right size.

I don't know exactly what it's called.

I saw it one time.

I do, yeah.

I do as well.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Jesse, we have a dingy.

A dinghy.

Okay, there you go.

Sorry.

It's pronounced dinghy.

What do you got there?

Like a dinghy?

Yeah, dingy.

We got a dingy in the dinghy pen.

Laura and Stacey, you may be seated for an immediate summary, Judge Man, one of your favors.

Can you guess the piece of culture that I reference as I enter the courtroom?

Jesse, I think they're going to get it.

I think they're going to get it.

And I'm going to write down your guess, and I'm really going to do it.

I don't have a great guess.

My pre-prepared guess was Moby Dick by Herman Melville.

Moby Dick.

Don't think that's right.

Have you ever heard someone read the first two chapters of Moby Dick aloud in

a fake main accent by any chance?

No.

Well, hodgman.substeck.com.

That's all I'm going to say.

Oh, gosh.

Moby Dick, you say, by Herman Melville.

A failure in its time.

Out of print by the time it was reclaimed.

by the American canon of great thick books and a handy guide to wailing.

Okay, I'll put it down.

And anyone who wants to go on the web and see our YouTube channel, you can see that I actually did write it down underneath your name, Laura.

Now I'm writing down Stacy's name, Stacy with an E.

Yes, Stacy with an E.

And it's almost time for your guess, and now it is time for your guess.

My pre-prepared guess, which now I'm unsure of being correct, is Fool's Gold starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson.

Why did you guess that?

I've never seen that movie, so I don't know what connection that might be having to super yachts or sailing or dinghies or maritime life at all.

Oh my gosh, you need to stop everything and go watch this movie.

All right, I'll see you later.

Look, if we stopped recording this podcast every time we had something better to do,

there would be no podcast.

Now, see, I forgot that we post full episodes on YouTube and I failed to commit to the bit.

I should have just walked out of my office at that moment to go start screening Fool's Gold.

Yes, it's an action-adventure romance, and they're on a mega yacht looking for treasure.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Stacy told me she watches that movie like at least once a year, which is hard to believe.

It's a good summer film, like to get you ready for summer.

In 1715, in celebration of the marriage of King Philip of Spain, the largest treasure fleet in maritime history set sail from Havana, Cuba.

The $500 million worth of gold, silver, and jewels came to be known as the Queen's Dowry.

What am I quoting from, Stacey?

That is a description of Fool's Gold.

on-screen text.

Florida didn't ruin your life.

Wow.

These are all other people.

Who's Tess?

Finnegan?

Is that Kate?

What's her name?

Yes.

Something wrong?

Why would anything be wrong?

We just had sex in a church and we're not even married, and now we're going to dig up a grave.

It was a good movie.

I mean, what is that?

Like a triple sin?

Surprised we haven't been struck by lightning.

That would have been a great guess if that had been the quote, but that was the wrong guess.

For this quote, as indeed all guesses are wrong, what was I quoting, Jesse?

Master and Commander, the far side of the world.

master and commander the far side of the world

russell crowe paul betany a lot a lot of great british character actors that you would now recognize including children actors who have now grown up oh directed by peter weir by the way peter weir uh who brings this case to this court is it laura or stacy who's the company i bring the case laura first before we get into it you you both love to watch below deck

i've dipped in and out over the years and i have my faves.

Can you explain to the listeners at home who may not be familiar with it what Below Deck is?

And, you know, I just want to preface this by saying

we're not getting any yacht money out of this.

Andy Cohen has not given me any,

isn't getting me any sponsorship deals on this.

Although maybe, Jesse Thorne, maybe you and I can parlay this into a spot on watch what happens live sometime.

Yeah, watch what's not happening live.

Well, I guess that ruins that.

Okay, there we go.

We are definitely not sponsored by Below Deck, but go ahead and tell people what it's all about, Laura.

Yeah, so Below Deck is a reality TV show on Bravo and streaming on Peacock if you're trying to do it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Easy.

Easy with the plugs.

I just like people to be able to watch it if they want to.

Okay.

But the way I describe it, why I like it, is that it's like a bunch of shows in one.

So it's people who come onto super yachts for like a charter for three-ish days.

And the reality show follows the crew of the super yacht while they're chartering for different groups of wealthy people.

Right.

So the super yacht is really fancy and they go to really pretty places.

So it's like a travel show and you get to see that.

And then they're always, there's a chef and they're always like cooking good food.

And so you get to see that.

So there's a food show element to it.

That's true.

And then there's obviously shenanigans with the guests because they're kind of of a certain set of people type.

So, Laura, let me break in for a second.

So,

you're right.

It's a food show.

It's a travel show.

And it's an upstairs, downstairs kind of show where they follow the lives of the crew members below decks, such as the shows named, and then the very, very wealthy people who charter these things.

And when they cast these people, because they do pick them out, they don't just randomly assign people to work on these things for television.

I would say that the downstairs segment, the crew segment, would you say they're casting for hotness?

Yeah,

they're all pretty good looking, I would say.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're, they're, you know, they're, they're, they're young people, some of whom have been in the yacht world for a while, some of who haven't.

And what they're hoping is that there's going to be a little, a little bunk romance, perhaps, that's going to shake things up.

And I also think the like in between, the, the management, they cast for that too, like, because they have the captain and then the middle management and then the workers.

And so, I think they're also really casting for like either really good or really bad middle and upper management.

Sure.

And so, it's like a workplace drama, also.

So, but the below, the below deck, so you have the food show and you have the travel show, then you have the

yachtis, the people who are working on the thing.

They're the smoke show.

And then, would it be fair to say that when they're casting the

wealthy guests, they're looking for the freak show?

Probably, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So that's what Below Deck is.

Now, Stacey, you also like to watch this show, right?

Yes.

What's your favorite version of Below Deck?

We got Below Deck OG, which is Captain, well, it used to be Captain Lee in the Caribbean.

Below Deck Mediterranean with Captain Sandy, Below Deck Sailing Yacht with Captain Glenn, Below Deck

Down Under with Captain Jason, and then one season of Below Deck

Adventure Time or something with Captain Carrie that didn't really, which was your, which is your Below dick?

Probably original or Mediterranean.

I do really like Sandy.

You like Captain Sandy?

Yeah.

Controversial pick.

Yeah.

Not everyone likes Sandy.

What do you think, Laura?

I do not like Sandy.

Whoa, here we go.

Sandy is not my favorite captain by far.

Why?

You don't like how she handled Hannah when Hannah had the Valium on ship?

I don't remember that storyline, I guess, but I just feel like she always has her like fingers.

She's like a micromanager.

And I just,

yeah, I don't know.

As a, I love Below Deck a lot for the like management struggles between the different levels.

Oh, tell me more because I feel you on that.

I mean, Captain Lee has his Captain Lee, everyone loves Captain Lee because they call him Boat Daddy.

And he says things like, I'm madder than a pissed-on chicken.

Yes.

Yes.

But here's where I stand.

I first started watching this because I really wanted some sailing content after I broke my brain and my shins learning how to sail.

By the way, I don't do it anymore.

Too scary, too painful to shins.

Here's where I'm with you.

I love,

and this seems cruel,

but I love to see people reprimanded on below deck by the captains.

Not because I love to see people fired, although sometimes that happens and it can sometimes be very gratifying, but

I am into competency porn.

And when someone can't be competent at their job, particularly when they like can't call the right distance between the boat and the pier and they almost have a crash and someone's got to talk to somebody else, I'm like, I love it.

And I love when Captain Lee gets a little mad, but then he also points out, look, you just need to learn this stuff because I want you to thrive.

But this comes to you, Stacey.

Why should I not fire you immediately from your dream of being on below deck?

It's a hard job.

What makes you think you can do it?

I have a controversial opinion, and I think it's not a super hard job.

You have the skill sets to do it.

You already have the skill sets to do it.

You don't think it would be a hard job.

You would like to be

part of the smoke show or the freak show.

You're not going to charter a yacht.

You're going to go work on one in your fantasy?

Yes, that's the argument at hand, is I could work on one.

What position would you like to work?

Oh, stewardess.

I I think you might need a little more specialty skills to be a deck hand.

Oh, okay.

And the stew crew,

they're the interior crew.

They deal with everything inside the boat.

Yeah.

They do the laundry.

They do the housekeeping.

And then at night, they serve the food and the

far too much wine and liquor.

to Roy Urbison Jr.

and the other the other weirdo cohorts who charter this yacht.

And And then they deal with them and then they clean up afterward.

That's what you want to do.

Yes.

Why?

Why do you want to do it?

Well, the argument isn't about wanting, per se.

It's whether I have the skills and the ability and like the demeanor to do it.

And I think I absolutely do.

Tell me, pretend I'm Captain Hodge

and you want to work on my dinghy.

Okay, well, to start off,

tell me.

It takes like 20 minutes to clean.

You don't know how long it takes to clean my dinky.

Standards are extremely high.

Well, okay, going off that, I think attention to detail is super important.

So I think I have that.

Why?

What experience do you have?

Have you ever cleaned a boat before?

Have you ever been at sea?

No, but I, well, I have been at sea a bit, yes.

But not for stewarding, I should preface.

Okay.

What is your experience at sea?

So I'm a scientist, and I worked on a scientific boat that went out and collected data on a transect of the Pacific Ocean.

Transect of the Pacific Ocean.

I'm a ship's captain, and I don't even know.

So basically, they have like this set line that they do every, like the exact longitude and latitude that they're doing every single year.

And they're collecting data in this exact same data points every single year to collect like a large segment of data.

So what I collected in particular was like how productive the ocean was.

So, I was looking at, like, I was running through like nutrients, essentially, to see.

How productive the ocean is.

Yeah, like

you're doing a semi-annual review on the ocean.

Well, we've been looking here at the stats, and I have to say, we thought you've not been meeting this year's goals.

They were not.

The year I went out, it was like not looking good for the ocean.

The ocean is great.

Haven't we done enough to it that we don't have to be reviewing it, giving it a performance review at the end of the year for a 3% annual raise.

At the very least, we should be giving automatic cost of living adjustments to the ocean.

Yeah,

given the fact, I mean, if we treat it any more badly, it's definitely going to turn on us and destroy us, which is pretty much aiming to do.

And you wouldn't be wrong.

Okay, so you go to you go on a ship.

So I looked at plankton, I guess.

I should make it easier.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

I looked at plankton, and there was some plankton and then more plankton later.

That's just basically the story of Moby Dick.

There's probably a plankton chapter in Moby Dick, like just like that,

but a lot longer.

So you're a research scientist and you're going on a boat.

You don't want to reveal a lot of details about your career.

So we'll just call this mystery boat.

You're going on a mystery boat and you're measuring plankton.

Yeah, and there's a bunch of other, it's not just me out there measuring plankton.

Like someone's like counting birds and someone's counting whales and someone's looking at fish eggs.

Like it's a whole crew of people collecting different ocean data.

Whole bunch of counters.

Yeah, a lot of oceanography data.

Okay.

I feel

comfortable saying out loud, she's obviously on the voyage of the Mimi on PBS with Ben Affleck.

So you have your sea legs.

Yes.

How many hours would you guess you've spent at sea?

Oh, I mean.

Okay, I've spent a lot of time outside.

So that cruise was about 30 days straight and it was super rocky.

Like, you would sleep and like move in your sleep because it was so rocky in parts of the ocean.

I also was a sailing instructor for a few years while I was in college, so I spent a lot of time doing that.

But a lot of our research was based on the Channel Islands, and so I've gone out to the Channel Islands a significant amount of times.

I also lived on Catalina Island for I've been on a lot of boats, been on a lot of boats, you've been on a lot of islands, you've moved around a lot.

Living on Catalina Island qualifies you for a below decks golf cart.

Well, okay, like I did, I was around a lot of yachtis, and we actually called yachties the rich people who live on the, who like come out to the island.

So I have a very different experience with like yachts.

Right, because in below deck parlance, a yacht is someone who works below decks, is a crew member who takes, you know, who goes on multiple charters per year.

They just spend their.

their professional lives going from boat to boat to boat working.

But you referred to yachtis on Catalina as the people who owned the yachts or the

pleasure sailors.

Here in this studio, Yachtis are guys that collaborate with Big Baby Dram on the song Broccoli.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

So you spent a lot of time on boats, and a lot of time on islands.

When you're on your 30-day plankton party out there in the transect of the Pacific Ocean, yeah.

Who cleaned up after you, or did you clean up after yourself?

We cleaned up after ourselves.

Yeah.

Did you do a good job or did it get to be smelly?

It was fine.

Yeah.

You couldn't bring very much stuff.

So it's kind of hard to be dirty, I guess, or cluttered.

Did you have to share a cabin?

Yes.

So it's 12 hours on, 12 hours off.

So somebody who has the night shift is the person you shave your share.

So you're never in the room at the same time because you guys are working opposite shifts.

Right.

I don't know, Laura.

It seems to me Stacy has a lot of actual expertise in this world.

Why should I not hire her for my pleasure dinky?

Well, I think if you were hiring her for your scientific research cruise,

I would say go for it.

No better lady to do the research.

But

on below deck, like I, one of my arguments is that I don't think she, as my mom would say, like, suffers fools gladly.

I think Stacey like would really struggle with all of that like workplace drama of it all.

And it would just make it so that, you know, she could maybe get on the show, but I don't know if she would last working with like incompetent people

and maybe incompetent like middle managers or captains.

Yeah,

I would say, Stacey, that Laura is correct in that both below deck and above deck, when they're casting these shows, they're definitely casting for some straight-up fools, some very demanding outsized personalities.

Do you think you can fit in with them?

Yes,

absolutely.

I mean, you're lying.

I mean,

why should I believe you?

So this is where I get to, I think more people can do it because so many people have worked in the service industry, which I have also done.

And I think you put your pride aside a lot.

And for all those jobs, I made minimum wage or slightly above minimum wage.

And I did all those gross things and like dealt with difficult people.

And you get paid so much more to be on one of these mega yachts.

And so I feel like if you didn't think you could do it before, for the right amount of money, you probably could deal with these fools and make it work.

Don't you think your resilience would and your ability to put up with and suffer those fools sort of dwindle as day after day goes by of filling up buckets full of champagne and super soakers full of tequila for Roy Orbison Jr.

or whatever?

Yes, but I also feel like I thrive in that environment.

I love work drama.

Like my coworkers always joke that I'm like the, I love to like collect the gossip at work.

So like, I feel like I would just dig it.

And then on top of all of what you just mentioned, I, one aspect of working as like a field biologist is you work in the field with the same crew for months at a time.

And it's absolutely the same experience where you're like, man, if I have to hear that story about the one time you went to that one place one more time.

So they start to drive you crazy, but you just sort of like figure it out.

And like that job was that I'm thinking of was like way more manual labor than being a stew is.

So it's like you're way more exhausted, I feel like in that setting where you're like backpacking or something.

Laura, Stacey thinks she can handle it.

Yeah.

Which is just by the level of delusion that I think the blow deck casting team would love to have in someone that they're going to shove into that laundry room.

Don't you think that she could probably get cast on this show?

Is that why you're bringing this to me?

Do you think it's possible that if she put her mind to it, she could get cast on this show and you would never see her again?

Because she's become a famous influencer.

Oh, God.

I think some of her arguments are compelling, but I don't think she'd have a good time doing it.

And I think she would quit before the season ended.

And then I also think that

she's maybe

thinking about herself and all these experiences that she did in her early 20s, let's say.

And maybe not who she is right now.

Well,

how do you both know each other?

I have a good story about how we met, if you're interested.

I would enjoy that story.

And maybe shows my tenacity, perhaps.

So I first moved to Reading and I had no friends.

And I.

And when you showed up in Reading, did you say I didn't come here to make friends?

So I was on the lookout for trying to make any friends that were like-minded, like myself.

So I went to a coral reef talk, which is funny because we're not very close to any coral reefs.

But it was about coral reef bleach.

Sure.

And there were a zoom.

That's where I always go when I want to meet people.

People don't move to Reading to be close to coral reefs.

They move to Reading to be close to tax-free car purchases in southern Oregon.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So it's hard to.

make friends.

So anyway, so I was at this talk and I saw people and they had like a cool stickers on their water bottle.

And then the talk kind of turned into this weird argument about chemtrails.

And this poor like PhD scientist was like, I don't understand what you're asking about chemtrails.

And

Laura was the one who raised her hand and says, how do we know that birds are even real?

I want to talk about the chemtrails and the robotic pigeons that followed me here.

And I was like, that's the girl for me.

No, so I, they left during that section.

So that was like a clear that I was like, I bet we could be friends.

So I chased them out and I was like, I just moved here.

I don't have any friends.

Will you be my friend?

And they did become my friends.

And they invited me out that next week.

And I met Laura because they worked with Laura.

Oh, got it.

Laura, are you a boat person?

Do you

or no?

I am not an ocean person.

Okay.

I.

Yeah, lived on the beach once doing some stuff and decided that was not for me.

Right.

So you're saying to Stacy that she can't handle being on a super yacht has nothing to do with your vast experience in working on ocean going or seagoing vessels or something or anything like that.

No, no, Stacy is definitely in our friend group, the ocean

expert.

And she's been on the most boats.

You're just a concerned friend who loves Stacy and doesn't want her to have a dream.

No, I have a friend who

Stacy likes to argue.

And so

this is one of the reoccurring arguments that we have.

Right.

So just

putting to bed an argument and standing up for, you know, she'll argue with you and just,

you know, beat you down to submission on some of these arguments.

So standing up and saying, no, this is one that I'm pretty confident you wouldn't be successful on below deck.

So this is a recurring argument.

Yes.

And you and Stacy's husband and Stacy's Stacy's mom and others in the friend group are tired of it and just want to put it to bed forever.

Yeah.

I think it actually started with Stacy's mom.

So Stacy was visiting her parents and they were.

I figure she's got it going on.

Is that true?

She does.

And so Stacy's mom, I think, said, like, you could never do this.

And so then Stacey came back from visiting her parents and was like, guys, my mom said this.

Can you believe it?

Laura, when you submitted the case, you alluded to a friend on your side of the case.

Who is Rayanna and what does she have to do with this?

Yeah, so Rayanna is just another one of our friends that

probably has contributed to this being an argument that's kept alive.

She really likes to argue with Stacy, whereas I would like to argue with Stacy and then never talk about it again.

But

she's on my side.

She agrees that, you know, Stacy's qualities,

she has many great qualities, but they might not be well suited for below deck all right Stacey you're an adult you're married to a person you have a you have a fairly settled life yes about how long ago was it that you were on mystery boat counting the plankton nine years ago almost a decade ago was that your your last big sea voyage yes but I've done difficult jobs since then.

Okay.

Tell me, tell me more.

I mean,

I worked in fisheries for a long time and out here that involves salmon.

Okay.

I don't know if you're familiar with like the life cycle of salmon.

Intimately.

But because some of our listeners may not be, why don't you explain?

Okay, so it's kind of beautiful and they're amazing.

So they come from the ocean.

as adults.

Finally, I figured that out.

I didn't, I thought that they came from caves.

So

we have four kinds, four runs of salmon, and they're all named after when they pass through the Golden Gate Bridge, basically.

So like fall run, winter run,

spring run, and they all have different life histories.

Four seasons of salmon pass under the Great Golden Gate.

Yeah.

Fall, winter, spring.

Late fall too.

And late fall.

The four seasons of San Francisco.

So

before I worked out here, I worked on the Merced, Tuolumne, and Sandsauce Rivers, which all go through like the Central Valley into the Delta.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So on those, we have to do them on these tiny tin boats.

And you have, you're constantly moving down the river.

And so as you're moving down the river, you have to collect these dead salmon.

And some, they're at all different degrees of decay.

Like some are really fresh, some are not.

And so you collect them.

And when they're really gross and they can't be counted in the survey anymore because they're falling apart, you cut them in half with a machete.

TGTC too gross to count?

Yes.

Yeah, I gotta say, Laura, if you've been collecting dead salmon carcasses, you're probably in a good position to plunge a dookie out of a golden toilet bowl on a big

yacht.

Wow.

This is a, this is a wild and wonderful job.

You also included some evidence, which is a design for a t-shirt that you would like printed up in case I were to rule in your favor that has a photo of both of you on here, Laura and Stacey, in front of one of the below deck ships.

Is that a below deck ship?

I don't, I don't recognize that particular one.

Yeah, I think so.

I think it's one from the like normal OG below deck.

OG below deck.

Anyway, this is a design for a t-shirt that Stacey, you would have me order be printed up.

And I presume you would want Laura to wear it around town that says Stacy was right on it.

Yes.

For this show, we were told to come up with like repercussions, and that's what I came up with.

Well, let me tell talk let's talk about the ultimate repercussion which is you actually working on

not just a luxury yacht but on below deck so i just want to ask you a series of questions sure to clarify you don't just want to work on a super yacht you specifically want to work on a super yacht on below deck or does it not matter The argument was specifically a super yacht, not specifically the show below deck.

Not specifically the show below deck.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's like, do I have what it takes to be on a super yacht?

Right.

So this is a hypothetical question, right?

You're not actually thinking about signing on to a super yacht or auditioning for below deck, are you?

No, no, I'm a scientist.

Although I probably make more money working at below deck, to be honest.

Yes.

The nice thing about the yachtis is they do, they make their own money on the show.

Like they're not making their money from the show.

Yes, exactly.

Right.

So you don't want to be on the show.

You don't even want to be on a super yacht.

You just want your mother and your husband and Laura to be wrong.

Yes.

And I,

yeah, if I could take a pause on my job just to go on a mega yacht to like prove everyone, I totally would.

Why is, but here's the thing.

I'm going to ask you another couple of questions.

Why interior department?

Why be a stew?

Why that as opposed to deckhand?

I mean, you're out in the world collecting bodies.

You really want to be scrubbing toilets?

yeah well

for the money absolutely like i already do that at my house good point like i've worked at you know food establishments where i did that for the public so i feel like i've done that and i did that for seven dollars an hour yeah but don't you think that the i mean the decis get the same tip out as the as the interior oh well i guess I feel like I'm outside.

They don't have to deal directly with the with the primary charter.

Yeah, I mean, I do think I'm particularly well suited to work with the people on the boat as well.

Well, we do have some, we do have, we did, you know, I'm not an I'm not an expert on being a stew aboard a super yacht, so we did reach out for an expert opinion, and we're going to share it with you now.

Oh boy, oh my gosh,

hello,

Stacey, you gorgeous, beautiful, aspiring stewardess.

How are you?

Now, I, first of all, I would like to apologise for coming to you in my dressing gown.

I am actually going on Watch What Happens Live today, which I'm so excited about.

Look, I'm in New York.

This is very exciting, and I'm waiting for Heron Makeup to arrive.

They're going to do me up all lovely.

And then we're going to go and film Watch What Happens Live.

And I haven't done it in the studio for so long.

So I'm so happy happy I get to do that.

Oh, it's going to be amazing.

But anyway, I have been talking to your lovely John, and he tells me that you

fancy yourself as a bit of a stewardess.

You think that if you got the chance, you could step on the boat and you could become a stewardess.

Now, I thought that we could run through a few of the qualities that you have to have to be a successful stewardess.

The first one is you have to be able to function very well on pretty much no sleep.

We, during a season, on the show we do two months, a normal season will be three months.

You do sixteen hour shifts for every single day for two to three months straight.

When I'm doing that, you don't step foot on land.

Well now that I'm the chief shoe I do because I go on some excursions and things.

But generally you do not set foot on land.

You don't talk to the outside world.

You don't communicate with any sort of like life form.

You are literally just waking up, working, going to sleep day after day after day.

And that's why so many girls quit yachting once they get to like 30 because there's no way that you can start a family or find a partner or do these things when you are literally just in this boat vortex for months at a time.

And then you emerge at the end of the season and you're like,

wow, oh, there's a big, bright world out there.

So functioning or lack of sleep is very important.

Being able to maintain your composure because you're going to get guests that are kind of assholes and you're going to get stewardesses that are going to really test you.

And you're going to get provisions that don't arrive.

And you're going to get a massive workload.

And you have to just have the ability to just breathe

and stay calm.

And then the third one is you need to have a very good eye for detail.

We used to detail the boat to such an extreme that my person would come around after a whole entire day in one room and she'd get out of stool and she'd pull down that air conditioning vent and run her finger along the top of it and be like,

Thought you said you cleaned in here and there's like two specks of dust on it.

So you have to have an insane, insane eye for detail and really think about every single little, little, little thing.

So you also need to be outgoing, confident, you need a common sense, which is insane how many girls realise don't have common sense.

Not just girls, sorry, that was very exclusive.

Any gender

that wants to be a stewardess, you'd be surprised how many don't have common sense.

It's a very big part of it.

And my favorite one: you need to have a sense of urgency because if you are not doing everything as quickly as humanly possible, I do not want you on the boat.

Okay,

so I've got very high hopes for you and your yachting career.

I think you're going to be absolutely amazing.

I hope that I see you swatting around the yachts one day, or maybe it will just stay in your dreams.

But either way, thank you so much for watching the show.

Thank you so much to Lauren too and your mum, who I know are fans and watch the show.

And it honestly means so much to me because it's just the best thing that ever, ever, ever happened to me.

I love it so much.

The more people that watch it, the longer it will go on.

So, truly, thank you.

So, all my love, Stacey, and to you, John.

So, in case you weren't able to hear it,

Aisha's message ended with her blowing kisses to me.

So, that's very nice.

That's Aisha Scott.

She saw

the Chiefs do now on the most recent below deck OG thing.

No, starting down.

No, Mediterranean.

Yeah, the one that's airing right.

She started on Down Under.

She started on Down Under, then she went to OG.

Now she's on Mediterranean.

She's on all of them.

And boy, oh boy, does she have a lot of energy?

Yeah.

And think I think that's required.

I mean, what do you think, Stacey?

Do you feel inspired?

Yes.

Okay.

There are two things I think would be a challenge for me.

But everything else I thought was fine.

The sleep thing.

That's what I was going to sit out.

The sleep thing I didn't know about.

Yeah, I think that would be a challenge.

Absolutely.

But I also think

with the money, I would just do it.

And I don't think six weeks is that long.

You're saying money, money money solves everything i just think it would motivate me to finish it out and not quit you're saying you're very greedy and money solves everything and science is stupid and doesn't

time for you to live well i'm just saying that like a lot of people do very similar difficult jobs for way less money so like which i have done in the past like that salmon carcass job i got paid like 12 an hour you would look in aisha's face and go your job isn't that hard i think it's hard i think people with with the select amount of skills, like, I think the attention to detail is a big one.

Like, what she was saying about the common sense stuff, like, I feel like I get that.

Like, sometimes I'm just

listening to you, just like, oh, I thought everybody knew this.

I don't understand why you don't.

So, I get what she's talking about with that because that's definitely a relatable experience.

And then, just like being able to work under pressure, I think is also just a trait that some people have and some people don't have.

And I think I have that.

I think being able to like swallow your pride and just like not deal, like not overreact or not be able to get into a fight, especially when it's completely unnecessary.

And just being thick-skinned in general, I think is like.

Well, then why can't you swallow your pride and

accept that your mother and your husband and your friend Laura and Rhianna don't believe in you, but you don't care about the haters because you know inside it's true.

Why don't you just swallow your pride?

Why do you have to fight back?

What's going to happen when some primary guest on on the charter

says, I'm afraid you're no good at your job.

And you know, you are.

Are you going to fight back then?

What's going to happen?

So, this is the other thing that I feel like this is why Laura, Ray, and my husband and mom don't understand is like, you're a completely different person in a work setting than when you are with your friends.

Like, you can, I can be comfortable complaining or saying whatever I want, you know, in front of my friends.

I'm a completely different person at work where I can't be like, you're incompetent

to my coworkers or whatever.

You know, like I couldn't do any, you just like, you're a different person professionally than you are with the people you're most comfortable with.

And like, of course, my husband sees me when I'm most whiny.

Right.

Laura obviously doubts that you'd be able to go and be a stew on below deck or a super yacht in general.

Is this indicative of other stuff that she misunderstands about you?

Oh, I think she just sees the whinier side of me.

Like this one time we went backpacking and I hurt my ankle and I was really upset like the whole last two miles of the trip.

And I feel like that one trip is really catering to like.

Yeah, I didn't want to bring that up.

But it hurt and I was sad.

You like bucket up at work.

It's just like.

I just feel like.

Stacey says that she's really resilient and, you know, can deal with a lot of

metaphorical and physical poop being thrown around.

But

I just feel like there's multiple times we've been like backpacking or even just like on like friend trips and,

you know, something, there's a slight setback and then Stacy's upset about it or wants to turn around or something like that.

But I do recognize her argument that maybe at work it's different.

Laura, this is hypothetical.

Stacy says she's not going to audition for below deck.

She's not going to apply for a job in a super yacht, which is, I think, frankly a waste of her life.

But whatever.

you just don't want to yes her along anymore.

You want her to stop.

What would you have me rule if I were to

have the answer to the argument and for the answer to be final and to be able to watch below deck and talk about below deck without this argument coming up all the time?

Do you genuinely believe she's not cut out for this?

I genuinely believe that she would not be happy doing it

and

wouldn't last the entire time.

How does it feel, Stacey?

I mean, never mind your own mother.

How does it feel when your friend sitting next to you

says she doesn't believe in your dream?

I mean, the reason I brought up the whole issue in the first place was because I was so certain that they would be like, oh, yeah, of course you could do that.

So I am like, I just think she's wrong.

And I just,

I just want to like do it so badly just to like be like, see,

because why?

How, I mean, how does it feel when someone says, no, you can't do that?

Well, it just makes me feel like you don't see the skill sets I have and you think I'm like weak or something.

And I'm like, I feel like my work history has proved otherwise.

Stacey, if I were to rule in your favor, I would be ruling what?

That you are correct and that

Rayanna and Laura have to wear a t-shirt that says Stacey was right.

Yeah, there's just for a day.

And then you guys can like work out in it or whatever.

Yeah.

And then I would,

I obviously talking about it, I'd only brag about it once a month.

I am now going to go into my stateroom to consider my verdict, but I'm not sure I'll be considering my verdict.

I think

might be writing to the Below Deck franchise to pitch the new show, Below Deck Science Boat.

Sounds great.

You know what?

I'm cutting out in the middle, man.

I'm just going straight to Below deck plankton edition.

Plankton.

I'll be back in a moment with my verse.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Laura, how are you feeling about your chances?

Honestly, not great.

Why is that?

Stacy makes some really good arguments.

And I think the whole like not believing in your friend portion of

the argument is really tough to come back from.

Stacey, how do you feel?

I feel pretty good.

And like,

I do feel like, I just like feel it in my bones that I could do it.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over over 70 episodes into our show, Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Watch out, America, because here comes Jesse and John.

Why, that's us.

Are you suggesting that we are perhaps going back on the road?

We're taking this court on the road.

It's Road Court.

Tickets are on sale now for our incredible tour this fall.

We're going to New York City, Philadelphia, where we have not been for an age, Washington, D.C., Pittsburgh, where we've never been.

Ann Arbor, another debut.

Madison, Wisconsin, we're coming back.

St.

Paul, Minnesota, coming back.

Burlington, Vermont, very first time.

Portland, Maine.

You know we're coming back.

Turners Fallen, Massachusetts, Monty Belmonte.

You know it's going to happen.

And then I'm really excited.

My hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts, where we'll we'll be appearing at the Coolidge Corner movie house where I used to work as a teenager.

Yes, it's Judge John Hodgman on the road.

You can get tickets right now by going to maximumfund.org slash events.

That's maximumfund.org slash events.

And if you live in or near those cities and you have a dispute, you know we want to hear your beefs.

Submit it now at maximumfund.org slash jjho.

The judge John Hodgman Road Show is like I want if anybody hasn't been,

it is a great time for people, whether or not they are listeners to Judge John Hodgman, bring a friend because this is a fully featured program.

You don't need to know the lore.

You don't, it is a blast of a comedy and theater show for anyone who enjoys going out and having a good time with live cases on stage, live music on stage, us yelling at people in the crowd who have volunteered to be yelled at, not just random people.

If you don't like being yelled at, don't worry.

It's not going to come up.

It is a great

time out.

We wear our little outfits.

Look, if you've been watching the YouTube of this and a lot of people, I can see from the comments like to see the top half of my uniform.

Well, if you want to see my uniform pants, you want to see me wearing security guard shoes?

I got security guard shoes.

Let's do this thing.

It's a great big fun show.

And,

you know,

not to cast any aspersions, but it's one of the rare podcasts where the hosts actually stand up on stage and put on a real show.

We have a lot of fun, and it's always really fun to see you.

And it's obviously better when you're there.

Tickets are on sale now.

To get them, go to the events page at maximumfund.org/slash events.

And of course, give us your disputes at maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

Let us know you're going to be at the show.

And perhaps we'll call you on stage to adjudicate your dispute right there, live on stage.

You're on notice, America.

Let's get back to the show.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Life

is like a feces sandwich.

The more bread you have, the more feces you have to eat.

Thus spoke Captain Lee

in one episode of Below Deck, pertaining, I suppose, to the trouble of having too much money.

I don't know.

I just felt like I needed to start with a profound quote from

a renowned ship captain, some wisdom from the sea.

There is a person in my life to whom I am married, a whole human being in her own right,

who years ago, more than 10 years ago,

overheard or we were having a conversation, or maybe we watched the movie, or it was a friend group convo about the movie Cool Hand Luke.

And she said, I don't understand what the big deal is.

I could eat 50 eggs in an hour.

I could eat 50 eggs in an hour.

For years, this claim, this brash claim, circulated through and energized our friend group as we all, all of us, tried to convince her she were wrong.

I dare say we were madder than pissed on chickens about this whole claim.

Indeed, my friend and co-creator of Dick Town, David Reese, made a poster so that he could talk about this incredible claim on stage.

And I believe I have the poster here.

Hang on, let me grab it.

And if you'd like to see what it looks like, you can go to our YouTube channel.

And my wife, who's a whole human right, would look at this poster and for years would say,

I would, I don't care.

I would just eat one egg and then another egg and then another egg until there was 50.

And I would get so upset.

I would say, you could drive a straight pin up my butt with a 10-pound sledgehammer.

I wouldn't say that.

Captain Lee would say it.

I was so, I would be so upset by this.

And I'd be like, you don't understand the cumulative effect of eating one egg after another within an hour.

And she's like,

that's just like, I could do it.

It'd just be like eating 50 heads of lettuce.

You can't do that either.

I wanted to scream.

But as the years went on, I realized, what are we gaining from this?

She's never going to try to eat 50 eggs.

I mean, if she really were, right?

Then I, then I might have a leg to stand on.

But since she wasn't,

to quote captain lee again i felt like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest i didn't have a leg to stand on because it was purely hypothetical laura purely hypothetical

if she were going to do it i would have that leg to stand on and i would have to say please i love you i want you to live don't do this because you will get sick it could be very dangerous It was in a movie that doesn't mean not even Paul Newman could do it.

Like,

I don't want to step on your dreams, but I also don't want to have to drive you to the hospital with egg poisoning or whatever.

But over time, I realized,

what do I gain by trying to talk her out of this?

What does it do to our relationship

for someone, whether it's a loved one or a friend or whatever, say, I believe I could do a thing to say to that person, no, you can't.

If it doesn't matter and it's never going to happen,

I don't think convincing the other person that they're wrong about their own dream,

whether it to be a stew on below deck or to eat 50 eggs in an hour,

is worth the effort compared to, I think, the challenge that it puts on their relationship.

And this is especially true

in this case, because

And this is especially true in a case like Stacey's, where it's completely hypothetical.

Like she's not going to leave her husband to go on below deck or to go on a yacht.

I mean, you've gone on the boat for science.

Now can't you do it for money?

And if it were the case that I agreed with Laura that Stacy couldn't do it or that it would be dangerous if she were to even try and it seemed like she was going to try, then I could almost understand the argument.

But as I have met and gotten to know Stacey and her salmon carcass collecting ways, I'm like, yeah,

there are very few people who are more qualified than Stacey to go on a reality show right now.

This is an obvious yes.

Yay.

Like if I were, if I were doing, now I don't do casting for below deck, but if I were,

I would be like, yeah, let's give this person a try.

What's the worst that could happen?

You know, I bet they could probably do well.

Now, I do think, do I agree with you to a certain degree, Laura, that there is the cumulative effect of day after day of 16-hour days of exhaustion that would take a toll on someone who, you know, isn't as young as we all used to be?

I mean, the same thing that gave Stacey herself pause when she saw the video from Aisha about, you know, the sleeplessness.

I mean,

you know, I.

Sleep deprivation is really, really dangerous.

You know, it's not only dangerous physically, it's also dangerous to decision-making.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

I could see that it could be a little bit more than she bargained for.

But overall, I don't see why this wouldn't work in some way or another.

It could be her 50 eggs, but I don't think it's so dangerous that

I would feel compelled to stop it.

But I am not your friend, either of your friends.

I am your judge, both of you.

And my judgment is clear.

Like, yeah, she could probably, she, she could probably get a, she could probably get hired and would probably do a good job.

And I hope that she would have a good time.

And I think that that's really where you need to be as a friend, Laura.

I'm happy to quash the argument,

but not for the reason that you like.

Not for the reason of like

convince her she can't do it.

Because

why?

Why would I even do that?

I'm not a cruel person.

You know what I mean?

Like, she's chopped up dead salmon on a moving boat and got salmon guts in her face.

I kind of feel like she can do anything.

And I kind of feel that she deserves to have your back and her husband's back.

And

I would say her mother's back.

Because.

It's very, very unlikely that she's going to even try.

And if she were to try, I think she'd be unlike, unlike eating 50 eggs, I don't think it's 100% likely that she'll regret it.

I think there's a possibility of that this could turn into 50 eggs for her, but I don't know that that's necessarily true.

And there, it's her life.

So, obviously, I find in Stacy's favor.

And I do order you to wear the t-shirt on Monday.

And Ray to order the t-shirt to wear the t-shirt.

And Ray also have to order the shape.

You know, here's the thing.

I like the t-shirt design, but what I'd like you to do, Stacy, actually,

is

get some boat uniforms,

like the whites,

what they call the whites, which are the white, the white shirts with the epaulettes that they wear whenever they're ushering these lunatic guests onto the boat or off of the boat, you know, where they have to look their most formal, like black slacks in this white sort of

naval style shirt, right?

And I want you all, all of you, to get them.

And,

you know, on below deck, if you're chief stew or first stew or second stew, your epaulettes have different stripes on them designating your rank.

I want you to line up your friends, maybe on the back of a nice boat, if you can get out on the water

for a weekend.

And I want you to,

instead of the t-shirt that says Stacy was wrong, where their name would be, it just says, where the name would be embroidered, just says Stacy was wrong on it and then what i want you to do is you want to walk down the line and your friends have and your friends and your mother and every and your husband have to say i'm sorry i was wrong and you just tear their epaulettes off and and throw their epaulettes in the sea

or fire them captain lee style or something and then once that done i want you to let it go because you love each other You all love each other.

And it's, and if a friend of you, if a friend in your friend group or someone you love has a dream that they could might be able to do something impossible, you gain nothing by pooping on their dream.

So this is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Stacey, how are you feeling?

Good.

I do want to defend Laura.

I brought this upon myself and asked them.

So they were like, I don't know.

They're good friends.

But I do feel really, really, really good about this, especially because it's been like so many years in the making.

Laura, how do you feel?

I think it was coming.

Yeah.

So I'm not surprised.

I do think Stacy could do it.

She put her mind to it, but Yay.

How are you going to feel when you see your friend on Bravo being transformed into a weird caricature of herself?

Yeah, Stacy on Bravo would be

fun to watch.

Well, Laura, Stacey, you're both heroes to me.

Thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books.

We'll have Swift Justice in just a second.

But first, our thanks to Redditor underscore magpie underscore for naming this week's episode.

If you want to name an episode of Judge John Hodgman, join us on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com.

Or if you just want to check out other people's dumb puns, because they are truly a joy.

Evidence and photos for this episode are posted on the episode page at maximumfun.org as well as on the Judge JudgeJohnHodgman Instagram, which is instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman.

You can also watch video of this episode on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video only content.

Yeah, and thank you to Cuppy Colburn over on Apple Podcast for your very kind review of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the one you're listening to right now.

Cuppy says, I started listening to the show on my first solo cross-country road trip.

Not only does it remain one of my favorite podcasts of all time, but to this day, every time I hear the gavel drop, it gives me

a sense of nostalgia for that very first trip, but not in a toxic way.

And then Cuppy, Jesse, adds three heart emojis.

Oh.

Three.

Three heart emojis, but five stars, which is really, really lovely.

Thank you so much, Cuppy.

And speaking of road trips, we are heading into the summer travel season.

It's a great time for you to load up your device with podcasts to listen to, maybe as you're heading to the beach or whatever you might be doing, or to recommend the podcast to anyone you know who's going on a road trip or an airplane ride or a hot air balloon journey or a Zeppelin voyage, or maybe it's just something you'd like to listen to.

You walk around in the cool of the morning before it gets too hot outside.

Please recommend.

Judge John Hodgman, if you like it, your reviews on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast, your shares on YouTube and Instagram and on TikTok and even Facebook.

They really do help people discover the podcast, which helps us keep bringing it to you.

So thank you.

Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode engineered by Eric Allen and Mark Miller at Black Box Sound Company in Redding, California.

Our social media manager is Natty Lopez.

It was nice to see Natty in real life.

Natty came and visited the office.

We had lunch at Antojitos BB, and Nanny, I heard about it.

Nanny brought some cookies that she made with her dad in West Covina.

Nanny's a real person, not a myth,

a real one.

A real one.

And I'm very, I heard about that lunch and I'm very jealous.

I can't wait to get back out there to California to have some food with you and maybe serve some justice with you.

Stay tuned.

Yeah, John.

Look, we could be eating baleadas right now.

That's a type of Honduran

bean egg egg quesadilla thing.

Anyway, this podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our video editor is Daniel Spear, with whom I also had lunch this week.

He and I had lunch at La Beja.

Why do you keep bringing up these lunches?

I love lunch.

I'm so jealous.

Yeah.

Our producer is the ever-capable Jennifer Marmor, now Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment.

Jennifer, who is not Jennifer Marmor, says, Someone in my home uses a knife to turn a burger in a pan and

not a spatula.

Please stop them.

I mean, sometimes you've got to turn that burger over and sometimes you've got to do it real quick.

You may not have planned, but all of a sudden, you know, because burgers cook quick.

So I get it.

But here's why you don't want to use a knife.

With a spatula, you can pick up the burger and then as best as possible, lay it down relatively easily away from you so you don't get splattered with hot grease the way i did yesterday when i was making this halibut with a knife you're really

that flip is going to be a lot less gentle and a lot harder and that means whether it's you or your backsplash you're going to get covered in hot grease and unless that's your thing you don't want it So that's an actual genuine non-joke answer to that dispute.

Jennifer, not Jennifer Marmor, whoever it is in your home who's using that knife to to turn a burger, they're wrong.

We talked about Below Deck, speaking of TV, which is both a reality television show and a workplace drama.

I would like to hear about your workplace dramas and disputes.

Does your cubicle mate have terrible taste and decor?

Is there hot beef between the produce department and the deli counter at the grocery store?

There better not be hot beef in the produce department.

That would be bad.

Did someone take your yogurt from the shared fridge yet again?

Send us your workplace disputes at maximumfund.org slash jjho.

And by the way, if your workplace is a super yacht, absolutely send them in.

I want to hear about them.

Yeah, no matter what your dispute is, send it in to your favorite messy boys that live for the drama at maximumfund.org slash jjho, because big or small, we settle them all.

And remember that if you are a member of maximumfund.org, if you've gone to maximumfund.org slash join, we will answer your question, whether it is here on the main feed or in the members only monthly membo mailbag that we have been recording every month exclusively for the members of Maximum Fun.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Bye.

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