Friends of Negin

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We are in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

I'm Judge John Hodgman, and I'm also here.

But guess what?

There's something very exciting.

There's a third person here, what we call a guest to help clear this docket.

Jesse, you want to introduce this wonderful guest?

She is a writer, a director, an actor, a comic.

She's also the host of the long-running podcast, Fake the Nation,

and a fan-favorite panelist on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me over there on National Public Radio.

Maybe you have heard of it.

I should know, I am a fan.

My favorite, Nagin Farsad.

Hey.

Nageen Farsad.

Oh, my God.

Hello, guys.

So wonderful to have you here.

I mean, you just ran the table.

I've just been getting a report.

You just ran the table over there on Jordan Jesse Go.

Yeah, it's true.

She was just on Jordan Jesse Goh.

We had a long conversation after she got off the line about what an epic guest she was.

That's a true story.

You know what?

Going into that show, I said to myself and the universe, I'm going to be the best guest they've ever had.

And like, that's, I just committed myself to that.

And I visualized.

Yeah, yeah.

It was on my vision board

and I landed it.

You know what I mean?

I really, I really did it.

And on the very bottom of your vision board, the bottom right hand

with a very old push pin pushed into it is like a ratty cocktail napkin that says also do judge jun hodgman

don't don't don't don't forget try to cancel but if you can't get out of it yeah and it did it didn't that little note like didn't originally have a stain on it but then i went and i got like some dirt and i smeared it on there just to make sure i could i knew that it was like a side thought Nagin, you and I first met when you very kindly hired me to act in a movie that you had

directed or co-directed.

Yeah, co-directed, yeah.

Right.

Third Straight Blackout.

And that was so much fun.

And we've, and we've, we've hung out together ever since.

We've been to secret retreats.

We've performed together.

I've been on Fake the Nation a number of times.

What a delight.

But this is your first time visiting us here on Judge John Hodgman.

Is that not correct?

Yes, this is my first time.

And the interesting thing is, like, this podcast is like one of the favorites of probably most of my friends.

Most of my friends I know listen to this podcast.

And in fact, not my podcast.

So those are the kinds of friends I have.

Okay.

I'd like to extend a very special hello to the friends of Nageem.

Hi, FONs.

Welcome to the show.

Your friend is here and you should listen to Fake the Nation because it's terrific.

And you can get Fake the Nation.

You talk about current events.

You talk, you make some fun about the things today that aren't so funny.

You do a wonderful job and it's a podcast available, what, every week is my guess?

Yes, every week, every week.

And you're also over there on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and you have guest hosted for Wait Wait, Don't Tell me.

Have you not?

Yeah, several times.

Yeah.

Well, I'm a friend of Peter's, so I'm not going to say anything.

Other than you did a wonderful job.

Thank you.

No one could ever replace him.

Why did you even say that?

What?

How did that even come?

No one has ever said that.

No one is putting a little bit of arsenic in his tea every morning.

No, Peter, we love you.

We love Naguin.

We love, wait, wait, don't tell me.

And

we love all of our member listeners over at maximumfund.org and all of the friends of Nagin and the new friends of Naguin who are going to meet Naguin this very first time as we clear this docket.

We just got some fun, some fun disputes to settle.

Naguin, are you down?

Are you down to help?

Yes, absolutely.

I've been living for this moment.

Thank goodness, because we couldn't get Tom Bodet.

Here's a case from Jasmine in Niehart, Montana.

When I hike with my friends Amy and Gordon, I take a lot of wildflower pictures.

Meanwhile, Amy and Gordon take pictures of me,

usually when I'm bending over to get the right perspective.

Then they share photos of my butt on social media.

Please order them to stop.

Naguin, before we get into this very clear, clear-cut judgment, you got any hobbies like taking pictures of wildflowers?

You know what I just discovered recently that I thought was really really exciting, which is if you take a photo of a flower tree or something on your iPhone, you can scroll down to the metadata of that photo and it'll tell you the name of that species.

That is delightful and terrifying.

It is a little, yeah.

I mean, before I had some kind of like app that I would do that on.

And by the way, I'm like disclosing a lot to listeners right now because I guess I'm the kind of person that likes to know the name of a flower.

I would love to know.

Then if you, if you scroll down a little bit further, it actually fills out the writing room on a new Netflix show.

Correct.

I'm here in my

office studio in Brooklyn.

Looking out the window, and there are all kinds of trees and plants and even some flowers out there that I can see.

And I don't know what they are.

I would love to know.

I think that's terrific.

Yeah, well, it's interesting because like I volunteer a lot in

Tompkins Square Park.

I live in the east village of New York City and that's our main park over here.

And I remember this guy coming to me once while I was while I was volunteering and digging dirt, you know what I mean, doing planting seeds.

Getting gossip.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this guy comes up to me and he says, oh, I love what you guys are doing.

You know, Americans, and he's this Venezuelan, he was like a Venezuelan immigrant.

Right.

And he was like, you know, Americans don't know the names of trees.

And then he proceeded to tell me every name of tree.

And I was like, you know what?

I didn't know the name of a single tree in this park.

And I, and that, and I started to be like, you know, it is weird.

Why don't I know the name of any tree?

Yeah.

I know the name of trees.

Christmas.

Like you can say like oak, elm, like whatever.

Like you can look at them and say.

No, all I have is Christmas.

Yeah, Christmas tree, fake Christmas tree.

Yeah.

Right.

I can say oak and elm all day long, but I don't know what I'm I'm looking at.

And, you know, I spend part of the year in the pines, the pine tree state where people know their trees because they use them to burn them up for fuel in the winter.

I should know things.

It's true.

When I'm in the parking lot of the YMCA on December 3rd, and I'm like, I can't identify the trees when they have a sign next to them that says snowy spruce or whatever.

I'm like, there's only five kinds of Christmas tree and I truly don't know the difference between them.

If they're tied up in twine, I'm out of luck.

And the thing with snowy spruce is you can't really be sure that that's, you know, the technical name of the tree or just a nickname for that particular tree.

Yeah,

that George W.

Bush gave it.

I feel like you're breaking news here because I don't think I knew that there were five types of Christmas trees.

I thought it was just like the one that was that shape, and then that's it.

All right.

So if you are hiking in Montana, Naguin, with a couple of your friends, remember the friends of Naguin who are listening to this?

Picture two of them.

Yeah.

And you're taking pictures of wildflowers for whatever reason.

And wildflowers, I mean, first of all, they're wild.

Second of all, they're close to the ground.

You are going to have to bend over to get the proper.

You know what I'm saying?

Perspective.

You learn that your friends...

Let's call them Amy and Gordon, are taking pictures of your butt and putting them on social media.

Ha ha ha.

How does that make you feel?

Great?

No, the funny thing is, Jesse read the thing.

I immediately pictured, and maybe this is just a fault of my own, a naked butt.

Now that I'm re now that I'm recalibrating my imagery, it is a clothed butt.

Okay, so I mean, it could be, it could be a plumber's butt or wildflower photographer's butt, that is to say, partial exposed due to the position of the body.

But clothed or

non-what's your opinion on this one?

Yeah, I mean, I think I, okay, first of all, I think it's a little, it's kind of funny.

So, like, in terms of like in friend group inside joke,

I think that's kind of fun.

Is this friend known for having like a good butt?

Like, maybe that's maybe it's a compliment, you know, a friend group compliment.

Um, I know among me and my friends who are probably probably listening to this podcast, there are different body parts that we celebrate of each other's, you know?

So go on.

Please don't stop talking.

Specificity is the soul of narrative.

You got someone in your friend group who's got some hot elbows?

No, but it's like one of my friends just notoriously has like really great legs.

You know what I mean?

So

like if she, if, if we're taking a photo, we'll just be like, let's do a full length show off them legs.

You know what I mean?

On the, on one of the friends.

I won't name her.

You know, we now post whole episodes on YouTube.

So your friend who is probably listening right now, hop over to the YouTube and see how your legs compared to my epic calves.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah.

We also got kind of a judge's robe upskirt situation going.

It's true.

You want to see my wildflower butt?

Here we go.

Now, again, if you're like in a judge's robe and you're doing like a butt photo, it's kind of just like.

You're saying

that if Jasmine, Amy, and Gordon are in a friend group that celebrates Jasmine's butt, then that's fine and good.

But the fact of the matter is Jasmine wants this to stop.

She is not comfortable with her, with her wildflower butt photos all over social media.

So, I mean, how could we, how could we rule against her?

Can you even imagine an argument?

No, I can't.

I just wanted to, I just wanted to give the friends like a little bit of grace in terms of like they could have had they could have like fun intentions.

Right.

Um, that said,

all but photo posting should be, you know, enthusiastically consensual.

Yeah.

If it's not fun for everyone, it's no fun at all.

That's a very big piece of settled law here in the fake court of Judge John Hodgman.

But also,

generally speaking, don't take pictures, don't post pictures of people who have not, buts or otherwise, who are not cool with it.

I mean, people ask me if they could post a photo of my face like that i get they get permission of that so i think at the i think at the very least you need like double permission for butts and then you know the various levels of permission for each body part that you we can we can assign i think that's fair it's like you ask permission once can i can i pick take and post a photo of your clothed butt

and then if they say yes then you're like great but then you have to sleep on it and ask the next day

Right.

Like those states that require 24 hours for you to like buy a gun or something, which I wish they were.

Waiting period.

Yeah.

Yeah.

States or state, even.

I was just very generous to the rest of the world.

I know.

I know.

Look, we have to imagine the world we want.

In any case, yeah, I mean, I would say that like, let, let Jasmine enjoy her wildflower hobby in peace.

And while it is, I think, totally real, real legal to take photos of people and publish them, like you, if you're in a public place,

I guess there's no expectation of privacy, which is fine, but there is expectation of decency among friends.

And if you need a podcast judge to tell your friends to stop posting photos of your own butt,

maybe these aren't your friends.

Maybe you lose them.

Next time you're on a hike, make a run for it.

Lose them.

What's our next case, Jesse?

Here's something from Liz in Arlington, Massachusetts.

My boyfriend, Chris, thinks it's totally fine for our dog, Benny, to eat the cat's vomit.

He says the dog loves it, so he gets a little treat.

Plus, Benny is sparing us from having to confront the gross mess.

I think it's disgusting.

I'm asking Judge John Hodgman to order that Chris not allow Benny to eat cat puke.

Nagin,

you got any animal companions in your home?

I have a dog.

That one hit me close to home.

You don't have a cat as well, do you?

I do not have a cat as well, but I grew up with cats.

So I have like feelings for both of these types of animals.

I want to say I wouldn't want my dog eating cat puke for like health reasons and for personal gross out reasons.

So that's like a two-pronged reason that I would like personally not allow it.

I'm no doctor the way you are, a judge, but

although I will say that I'm the daughter of a surgeon, so I feel like that gives me

0.03% knowledge.

Also, fun fact in Iran, when doctors needed to figure stuff out, they would just go find sick dogs and they would just like work it out.

Iran in in the 60s right guys am I right if you want to if you were in medical school everybody friends of Naguin are saying

I guess

what so was your dad was your dad a surgeon in Iran yeah and he heard he heard stories about dogs being used for medical experiments right heard stories

so you're saying Naguin that he heard stories about dogs he heard stories about that

story

he held no no he saved some dogs lives is what I'm saying.

Oh, okay.

There was like, no, he was a really good guy in this situation.

This is not a Christy gnome situation, just so we're clear.

He was saving the lives of dogs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so that makes me adjacent to a guy who saved some dogs in the 70s.

You know, I hear, and I think this is true, as the daughter of a surgeon, you are entitled to perform one freestyle appendectomy in your life.

That's right.

Nepo baby rules.

What are we talking about?

Oh, right.

We think that probably, probably, I agree that there is a safety issue here, right?

Because I've never had a dog in my life.

And no offense, I never want one.

So I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know, or I've always heard there's certain things like dogs can't eat because it's horrible poison to them, like chocolate.

Is that one, Jesse?

Yeah, chocolate, grapes.

Raisins, yeah.

So I don't know.

Maybe the cat ate some chocolate or whatever or ate some, probably what's in that vomit is a hairball.

You know, that's kind of the number one reason that cats puke.

But that can't be good for your dog either, you know?

So

it's, but also, what's wrong with the cat that they puke so frequently?

So, there's like two medical issues.

I know the answer to that.

It's a cat.

Yeah.

That's the reason.

Puke frequently?

I didn't.

My cat didn't.

All the time.

Time.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You had a healthy cat.

Cats are vomiting for all kinds of reasons.

Some of them have to do with hairballs.

Some of them have to do with genuine sickness.

Sometimes they're just not happy with you.

And

they're going to make you do a chore that you don't want to do.

Our cat, Lola, the dumb-dumb cat, vomited three times yesterday

in three strategic areas.

I almost stepped in it three times.

And that was because a door was closed that she didn't like.

So

once we answered that, once we opened that door,

no more puking.

It's not that tough.

It's a really particular form of personal expression that requires that

I, if, if that was one of my choices, like, I would, like, would I meow or vomit?

I would pick meow 10 out of 10 times.

So I just think it's a good thing.

It can't be pleasant to vomit as much as this cat does.

I know.

Sometimes they go, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Now that's a message I would understand.

That message.

That message I would understand.

I like tuna.

I like liver.

Meow mix, meow mix, please deliver.

Those are the words to the song.

Where did I get that from?

Wow.

Talking cat, presumably.

Yeah.

I was over on Meow Mix Genius.

That's where I learned the song.

Anyway,

getting back.

One thing I noticed about Liz's letter from Arlington, Commonwealth of Massachusetts, is the name of the dog is Benny.

They have a cat.

What's the name of the cat?

Not mentioned.

Clearly, there is a favorite.

Second-class citizen, second-class citizen in this family.

I think that that's frankly offensive, Liz.

And I judge you for that for sure.

But so far as Benny eating the cat's vomit, I would say no.

I would say don't do it because

at the very least, Benny's also then going to try to lick you with his cat vomit tongue and lips.

And I think that that's gross.

Here's my question.

And this is a question that I ask as a dog owner.

Allow.

Like, is he standing there and being like, go to town?

You can't, dogs don't speak English or Farsi for that matter.

You can't just tell a dog, don't eat vomits.

If the dog is into eating vomit and he finds vomits, guess what he's going to do?

I'm going to eat that vomits.

Yeah.

Are you going to go around with bitter apple spray and spray all the vomits in the house?

Well, why aren't you picking up the vomit more quickly is my question.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, look, if Benny gets to a vomit before you know that a vomit is there, there's nothing you can do.

Benny's going to

eat that right up.

I love vomit.

I love bile.

Cat puke, cat puke.

No denying.

All right, I did my best.

Point is, Benny's going to eat that vomit if you can't get to it, but that doesn't mean that you should let Benny get to it.

If you're there in a position to interfere, I think, you know, know, either Chris is just being lazy or he hasn't thought it through because you should just be cleaning up your cat's vomit and you should be trying to figure out what have I done to offend my cat today.

Those are the two things you should be doing, right?

Or maybe my cat's sick and I got to take care of it.

But yeah, Benny, Benny should not be eating the vomit because I don't want that, the vomit tongue on me.

We don't know the long-term effects of vomit in a dog's digestion system.

Right.

I mean, you suck face with your dog, I bet, because all dog owners do.

Would you suck face with your cat's vomit?

Think about that.

Janet's shaking her head.

No, that she doesn't suck face with her dog.

You're missing out, Janet.

It's great.

Go to town, Junior.

That's what I say.

Benny, don't eat the cat's vomit.

Liz and Chris, like, respect your cat.

Name that cat.

Say that cat's name when you're writing to me.

Let me know what the cat's name is.

This cat is important to you, too.

It's not just a source of snacks for your dog.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from our partners this week.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are clearing the docket with our pal, Naguin Farsad.

Here is a case from Matthew in Kerhonsen,

New York.

I think this is a made-up place, Kerhonsen.

Have you ever heard of this, Naguin?

You live in New York, right?

I have never heard of this.

This is me.

I find it stunning.

I'm going to look it up right now.

My wife constantly falls asleep with her eyeglasses on.

It's always a sleepy struggle when I try to get her to take them off.

Please order her to take her glasses off before bed.

Kerhonsen

is a hamlet and census designated place in Ulster County, population 1,722.

That's a pretty big town as far as I'm concerned, straddling the border of the town of Rochester and the town of Wawarsing, which, all right, stop it.

Stop it, upstate.

We know you're mad that everyone moved to you from Brooklyn, but

Naguin, you wear glasses.

You're wearing them right now.

Yeah.

Do you fall asleep with your glasses on?

So the funny thing is, I honestly, like, I don't fall asleep with my glasses on.

I always like ceremonially like take them off put them to the side yeah i forget about this ceremony it takes about two hours

yeah there's original there's an original score and everything there a band comes in a lot of incense urns

yeah exactly um but the funny thing is this one time i put my glasses to the side and then me and my husband we were just kept chatting for a while without my glasses on and then i was like okay i gotta go to sleep now and then i went to go take my glasses off and it was nothing there.

And I like I sort of mimed it

as a habit.

And my husband thought that was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life and has since never let me forget about the moment when I thought there were glasses on my face that I took off.

When you reached up and you didn't feel them, did you feel a need to complete the motion?

I did.

I did.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

I then

still to put them on the bedstand.

It's just like, I, you know, my brain was like, maybe there's something something in there and your finger pads are just momentarily not feeling it.

Right.

No, I always take my glasses off.

And

when I do before going to bed, I'm, my ceremony is I hide them in a place that I will never find them for about two hours the next morning.

That's my routine.

Oh, you don't have just like a one

singular place that they always go?

I highly recommend that.

Sometimes I put them in the safe with our children's birth certificates.

That's not true.

Usually I put them on the bedside or my bureau or whatever, but I never fall asleep with them on, mostly because

the most important thing when I get into bed is to shove my phone in my face for five hours so that I can read details about what Warsing New York or whatever it is on Wikipedia,

poisoning my eyes with a terrible light until about three o'clock in the morning when I then fall asleep for 17 minutes and then have to get up.

I don't know.

I don't know what Matthew's unnamed wife is doing in bed.

She may need glasses to read or

watch her show or whatever it is she's doing to unwind and then falls asleep.

Which is my situation.

I need glasses to do the thing, like, you know, read something or whatever.

So I can understand why it would happen, but I'm such a side sleeper that the idea of falling asleep in my glasses and then the glasses sort of like hitting the side of my face as I sleep on my side.

That sounds uncomfortable, which is why I understand this

gentleman's concern because it probably seems uncomfortable.

Matthew from Kerhonks in New York.

We call him

Kerhonks and Matt.

I mean, what's really the problem here?

She falls asleep with her glasses on.

And then he feels an obligation to help her take them off.

And in her sort of, you know, twilight sleeping state, she's annoyed with him, which I would be too.

If I were sleeping peacefully and someone started clawing at my face, I might be a little annoyed as well.

Is it Matthew's business, I wonder?

I'm not sure about this.

Is it any of Matthew's business to take her glasses off her face while she's sleeping?

Would you want your husband, whose name I know, Jason,

to take off your glasses where you to fall asleep with them on?

You know, I, so there's a, there's something here that it strikes me as quite endearing, a little bit like a Folger's coffee commercial

so like you know you wake up and a couple wakes up in the morning that the husband wakes up in the morning she's still wearing her glasses from last night crazy sally she does that because she falls asleep reading and he like gently takes them off tiptoes into the kitchen makes her a cup of Folgers

And then brings it in.

And then she sort of like gently wakes up and is so happy that her husband did that.

And the whole thing is really sweet.

The best part of waking up is wrestling glasses off your face.

Face.

We've got all the jingles in this episode.

This pocket is full of jingles.

So is it?

So there's a sort of wake-cute element to this.

If she's waking up and it takes the glasses off and makes her the coffee and everything else, like that's sort of adorable.

Exactly.

I would say, Matthew, you should talk to your spouse.

Sally, we'll call her.

And verify whether she wants you to take her glasses off at night.

Should she fall asleep by accident with them on?

Like, is that something she appreciates?

Or would she rather you leave her alone?

And if she agrees that she would not like to sleep with her glasses on, then yes, I would suggest, Sally, that you should build a new habit in to take your glasses off before bed.

But my guess is that she's probably reading a book or something and just falls asleep.

All right, we got another one, don't we, Jesse?

Here's something from Allie in Chicago, Illinois.

When my husband and I first started dating, we went on two dressed-up, classy dinner dates at the White Castle.

Now that we live closer to a White Castle again, I would like my husband to make dinner reservations at White Castle for every Valentine's Day moving forward.

The dress-up option could either be fancy or costume, depending on how we feel.

I just want to add some silly fun and joy to our lives.

No silly fun or joy is allowed.

Sorry, Allie, you and your unnamed husband, here we go go again, are not allowed to ever have any fun at all.

Right, Maguim, do you agree or disagree?

No, let me ask you this question, Naguen.

Are you aware of the fancy White Castle on Valentine's Day thing?

No, this whole phenomenon is really alien to me.

What is it?

Well, first of all, you're aware of White Castle.

Yes.

Tiny little burgers.

Yes.

I've had a White Castle probably once, potentially up as many as thrice.

For the past few years, White Castle offers on Valentine's Day a sit-down experience where they put white tablecloths on the table.

I don't know if we're getting money from White Castle for this, but I'll go ahead and talk about it anyway.

White tablecloths on the table, and you make a reservation on a reservation app, and you get seated, and it's table service, and

they bring you some White Castle swag of some kind, and it's sort of hilariously formal for a White Castle, let's say.

And I gather that this is what happened between Allie and her husband, who she didn't name, right?

So again, name your spouses, everybody.

Say their names.

But in any case, what are we going to name Allie's husband for this sake of this argument?

Beyonce.

Gerald.

Beyonce Gerald is the first thing I heard.

So Beyonce Gerald,

you know, maybe doesn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day.

This way, you should ask Beyonce Gerald why he is resisting doing this again, since it does seem to bring some silly fun and joy, at least to you.

In any case, like, find out why Beyonce Gerald doesn't want to do it, but otherwise, why wouldn't you do it?

I don't know.

Would you ever go to Valentine's Day at White Castle Naguin?

You and your husband, Jason?

Is the food the same on the Valentine's Day?

Yeah.

Experience?

Oh, so the food is the same.

It's just hilariously formal.

I think they offer a couple of Valentine's Day special items, but I think it's still a white castle.

Okay, got you.

You know, I sort of got to a place with Valentine's Day where I was like, if we're going to do something, it might as well be actually nice

and not joke nice.

And so

I feel,

I mean, I get the joke, haha,

but I also am am like,

I think I can see where this is going.

I just feel like, let's

have a nice meal somewhere that doesn't emulsify when battered.

Nagin, I would love for you to roll out that react on wait, wait, don't tell me.

Just when Gondelman says something or Paula Poundstone, you just say, I get the joke.

Ha ha.

Allie, I think that first of all, you should learn your husband's name.

It's Beyonce Gerald.

And then I think you should say to Beyonce Gerald, why is this not fun to you?

We've done it twice before.

And I would encourage you then to listen to what he has to say.

Oh,

yeah, listening.

Because, you know, as we say on this podcast, over and over again, people like what they like.

And maybe he doesn't like going to White Castle for Valentine's anymore.

Certainly, I'm not going to order that you as a couple do this as you request allie for every valentine's day moving forward yeah that's a lot that's a lot

and i don't even know if white castle is going to continue this promotion or whatever maybe it gives him the cat pukes you know what i mean we don't know there we go in which case benny stay away don't eat don't eat beyoncé gerald's cat puke and also communicate with your spouses uh there might be something else that he wants to do for valentine's day

and there could be be a compromise where, as a joke,

and I presume a fairly inexpensive joke, or who knows these days, the White Castle Valentine's Day special would be a fun thing to do, but then the next night or whatever, you do something that he wants to do or something like that.

But yeah,

you got to learn this guy's name, Allie.

Say his name.

Let's take a quick break.

We'll be back with more in just a moment.

Hi, I'm Alexis.

I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019.

Thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of our show.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

Yeah, right?

As the Max Fun member of the month, can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelfed all the books.

Really help was

doing being at work.

So I just want to give back to to what's been helping me.

Yeah.

It feels good to be part of that.

As the member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also, if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the Max Fun HQ just for you.

Yay!

I'm actually going to LA September, so I'll get to use the parking.

Yes!

Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

This has been an absolute blast.

Yeah, of course.

I've been so glad to be able to talk to you too, and I'm so excited to be a member of the month.

Yay!

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org slash join.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euroevangelists for a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the offseason?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

Plus, all the gorillas and bread-bacon grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out Euroevangelists available everywhere you get podcasts.

And you could be a Euro Evangelist too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

Judge Hodgman, we are taking a break from Clearing the Docket.

And who boy is there a lot of excitement going on with Re

as regards the Pasadena Goth Club?

Vis-a-vis, the Pasadena Goth Club t-shirt competition.

You're absolutely right, Jesse.

As you may remember,

we had an episode disputing which is the most goth holiday, Christmas or Halloween.

And our lovely litigants were from Pasadena, and so we decided to form a Pasadena Goth Club.

And we launched two t-shirts for members of the Goth Club.

Now, if you want to join the Pasadena Goth Club, all you got to do is go over to the Max Fun Shop.

And when you choose the t-shirt, there's a pink one and then there's a black one.

And you choose

which flavor of Pasadena goth you are.

And I'm getting word here in my headphones that the pink Pasadena goth club shirts are dominating the more traditional black goth shirts.

Can you verify this, Jesse?

I do have it.

I do.

I am in receipt of evidence that they are currently in the lead.

But this thing is far from over.

Well, it's close to over.

Go to maxfundstore.com and choose the t-shirt you want.

And you know what, John?

What?

Soon, I will be announcing the first meeting of the Pasadena Goth Club.

Oh.

It will require you to be a member of Maximum Fun

at a certain level or above.

There will be be a date.

We will be meeting at the Pine Burger in Pasadena, and I will be buying the burgers.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

I mean, if you're not already a member at maximumfun.org slash join, do go over there and also go over to the Max Fun store and

vote for your favorite t-shirt by buying it.

Because starting in July, we are going to discontinue the less popular t-shirt.

So if you're a fan of the traditional goth black in your Pasadena Goth Club t-shirt,

The situation is fluid.

You can get over there and

buy them and encourage your friends to buy them and maybe catch up with that pink one.

But by July, only

one will remain.

So

what's the website for the Max Fun store?

MaxFunstore.com.

And hey, I just want to say that in a couple of days, we're going to be at Solid Sound.

Me and your guest bailiff, Gene Cray, will be co-hosting the comedy stage along with Eugene Merman, Brittany Carney, Sidney Washington, Dave Hill, Todd Berry, and of course, Wilco will be there too.

If we don't see you there, there's some good news, which is that Jesse Thorne and I will be taking this show on the road soon.

Now, we'll be making an announcement about it.

We're not ready to do so yet, but we'll be making an announcement about it.

Why, this very weekend?

And if you're a member of Maximum Fun,

or if you are a subscriber to my substack at hodgman.substack.com,

you're going to find out you're going to get a pre-sale code this weekend.

You'll be among the first to know.

So, if you're not a member, this is a good reason to become one.

And if you want to subscribe, hodgman.substack.com.

I check in with you every week or so

with some musings and recommendations on the world

in the free area, in the public area.

And then there's a secret area where I reveal a secret message, which is where you will get this pre-sale code.

So if you're a member, you're all set.

If you want to go over to hodman.substack.com, check it out.

Keep an eye out for that pre-sale code.

It'll be coming to you this weekend.

So, and obviously we'll be announcing the tour dates, et cetera, et cetera.

So that's how you keep in the loop that way.

Anything else you want to talk about, Jesse, before we get back to the docket?

Let's get right back to the docket.

Let's get back to that docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're joined by our pal Nagin Farsad.

Here's something from Laura in Richmond, Virginia.

My family loves to host themed karaoke nights.

For example, one recent theme was travel and transportation.

We were all enjoying singing songs about planes, trains, and automobiles.

But then my son Liam, age 13, chose surfing bird.

He says surfin' is a kind of transportation.

My husband agrees with him.

Obviously, they're both wrong.

Please order my husband to admit he's just trolling me.

And please order Liam to take a surfing lesson so he can experience firsthand how unfeasible surfing is as a means of transport.

Hmm.

Well, obviously, I'm going to order Liam to take a surfing lesson.

That's easy.

Why not?

Would be great.

Yeah, any kind of lesson is good.

Go take a lesson in whatever.

Learn.

Try new experiences.

It'll be fun.

You'll learn something from it.

Just remember this, avoid those locals-only bricks.

If I learned anything being the news director of KZSE in Santa Cruz, california it's that the uh locals will pummel you and hold your head underwater if you hit those locals only bricks whoa really yeah surfers are wild uh have you ever tried surfing no i've never tried surfing i've tried bodyboarding like when i was little we used to go to the beach in san diego and i would they would have boogie boogie boogie boarding boogie boarding and they had they had little boogie boards and i would i believe the term is boogie boogie boogie boarding Free boogies.

That's right.

I have to say that

that particular judgment feels a little harsh to me because I find surfing a little terrifying.

Like you could just get thrown around.

When I say that Liam should take a surfing lesson and all lessons are good, that does not mean I'm ever going to take a surfing lesson.

No, never.

Not going to do it.

Not going to do it.

Yeah, like I don't like being pummeled by the waves.

No.

That said, I did make out with a surfer once when I was in high school.

Whoa.

Let's go.

Tell me the whole story.

What was his name?

Beyonce Something?

It was actually, I think his name was Jesse.

Beyonce Jesse.

Beyonce Jesse.

And he, and we were just, had just graduated from high school.

And me and my friends went to the beach in San Diego.

And there's just a lot of like kind of dirt baggy surfers that hang out.

Shout out Moonlight Beach and Encinitas.

These couple of guys invited us couple of girls to like a bonfire.

It was so

very much the scene from a teen, like a YA book.

I was going to say opening scene of Jaws.

It sounds like, Nagin, you had a blue crush.

A blue crush.

That's a reference to a surfing-themed movie.

Now, if you were, let's go straight to the source.

If you were to say,

If you were to reconnect with your dirtbag surfer, Blue Crush Beyonce Jesse.

Yeah.

And you were to ask him, is surfing a mode of transportation?

What do you think he would say?

He would say, I'm going to say he probably

no.

Right.

Because it just, you go,

it's more like of a boomerang scenario.

Right.

You know, and boomer, if unless boomerangs are a form of transportation.

I mean, there's no question that you're moving.

You're moving through space.

There's movement.

There's movement, but you are expressly going out into into the ocean simply to come back.

Judge Hodgman, if it helps, I have Beyonce Jesse here in the studio in Southern California.

That's incredible.

Wow.

If you'd like to ask him whether surfing is a mode of transportation.

I'd love to.

Can we get him on?

Yeah, I'll get him on the mic here.

Okay.

Hey, dirtbag surfer, Beyonce Jesse.

Welcome to the program.

Real quick question.

How are you doing?

And is surfing a mode of transportation?

I'll take my answer off the air, bro.

Surfing is a way of life.

Okay.

You can see what I was attracted to, by the way.

I know.

I want to make out with him myself right now.

I want to suck face with him.

I want to suck face with him like that dog Benny.

I would say, I mean, I would say my rule of thumb is

if

transportation,

if you can divide,

if you can deliver a telegram with it, then it is transportation.

That's good.

That's good.

I like that.

Could be a singing telegram.

Could be a singing telegram surfer, I suppose.

Is electrical wire a mode of transportation?

I mean a paper.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

All right, a letter, a letter or an attachation.

A carrier pigeon.

Or a secret.

Well, I mean, they're not a mess.

You go with it, right?

You're not.

Okay, maybe that was a bad example.

I understand what you're saying.

I once,

when we were shooting, put this on my menswear video series, Ben Harrison, now of greatest generation and greatest track of MaxFun podcasts, was directing.

I was staying at his house in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

We shot some videos in Brooklyn.

And the next day we were headed to Milan, Italy, to shoot with Luciano Barbera, the menswear designer and textile designer.

And I was sitting there in Ben's house and I said to him,

Ben,

I didn't bring my passport to New York.

And we had a full-scale flip out.

We had no extra money to postpone anything.

And what ended up happening was Ben flew to Italy, shot the segment with Luciano Barbara with him hosting.

And

my friend Amanda broke into my house because my wife was also out of town.

So she broke into my house and bought an

Beyoncé Teresa.

Yeah.

Amanda bought an airplane ticket for my passport, which she worked at a law office and knew this was a thing you could do, put it in an envelope, bought an airplane ticket for it.

And then I picked it up at the Newark airport in a weird secret room full of dogs and exotic animals

where things that are not people but do have an airplane ticket live.

Yeah.

Whoa.

And then I got on an airplane to Italy.

I did not know that that was a possibility.

I didn't know you could buy an airplane ticket for a thing.

Yeah, it was wild.

There's a whole sitcom that's set in that room.

I know.

That's an incredible.

I can't believe I've never heard that story before.

That's one of the top stories.

And I will say that it really illustrates what a mode of transportation is, right?

Because if Amanda is going to be sending, buying an an airplane ticket for a passport, it needs to get to you, Jesse.

It can't like get near you or down the beach from you.

For it to be transportation, forget my telegram thing, which was bad.

I would say you have to have some reasonable control about where

you land, essentially.

Where the transportation ends.

where you're the thing you are transporting to has to go from one place to another with purpose.

And you have to have some modicum of control, reasonable control over the end of that destination.

So, yeah, it can't just be spiritually transporting like surfing might be.

Good point.

Sorry, Liam, age 13.

You're wrong, but take that surfing lesson and you'll learn the hard way.

And by the way, unnamed husband of Laura, you don't deserve a name because you're wrong too.

Here's something from Dana:

My boyfriend doesn't think Harry Truman is famous.

Same with Napoleon.

He says historical figures aren't celebrities the way Al Pacino or Meg Ryan are.

I say being a celebrity is more than just being a movie star.

P.S.

Matt also thinks Santa Claus is not a celebrity.

I totally disagree.

Santa is world famous.

Who is right?

First of all, credit to Dana for naming dana's boyfriend matt matt fiancé matt good job good job dana for acknowledging that your boyfriend matt however wrong or right we're gonna decide he may be he has a he has an identity so naguin i don't know why

dana and matt are coming up with celebrity names they might be playing the very fun parlor game named celebrity have you ever played that game um yes If we were playing celebrity, Nagin.

Yeah.

And

someone put in Harry S.

Truman or Napoleon,

would that count

in a game of celebrity?

What do you think?

No, no, in the few times that I played celebrity, I believe that there were multitudinous political figures

who were in the hat.

Sure.

You know, and an interest, and I'll say one more thing about that, which is that I fired up the old Netflix last night.

Oh, really?

And

not to brag, I'm a subscriber.

And

the thing that came on, whatever, when you auto-filled the screen was

Letterman's show,

whatever that show is called.

The one where he's...

My next guest needs no introduction.

Our next guest needs no introduction.

And the guest was

Barack Obama, Monsieur Barack Obama.

But I was just thinking to myself, he's one of those people that's indisputably a celebrity, I feel, right?

Yeah, obviously.

Sorry, Matt.

Yeah.

Obviously, Harry Truman and Napoleon are celebrities.

Our friend Emily Brewster over at Merriam-Webster Dictionary,

our friend Emily Brewster is a literal lexicographer and a dictionary employer and definer of words.

And I'm presuming that Emily wrote this dictionary definition.

It's the state of being celebrated or famous.

And that's famous.

Napoleon is famous.

I know who Napoleon is.

Jesse, you know who Napoleon is?

He invented an ice cream.

Oh, yeah, the stripe ice cream guy.

Yeah, exactly.

He came up with that idea.

That guy.

Yeah, multifaceted, a bird of many feathers.

He wasn't known for just one thing.

But here's my question now.

Yeah.

No doubt Santa Claus is world famous, but is Santa Claus a celebrity?

And I'm going to give you all ample time to get your children away from the YouTube or the podcast machine.

If you don't want the truth to be known, move them away now, earmuff them.

Santa Claus is a very famous fictional character.

Can you play Santa Claus in a game of celebrity?

Yes or no?

What do you think?

This one is,

this is like, this is making me schwitz right here.

I know.

I just brought out my hanky because I got to dab my forehead.

Also,

my calves are sweating.

I got to dab my calves.

This one's making me nervous because I don't know the right answer.

I'm on the fence.

I want to say

I would, you know, if I'm playing in a game of celebrity and someone was just like, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, I'd immediately say Santa Claus.

I feel like it works.

At the same time, when

former president, What's His Face goes on the campaign trail and talks about

Hannibal like he's a real person?

I feel that that is weird.

You know what I mean?

So I want to say if you can, if you're a former president who's using a fictional character on the campaign trail like you're a real person, like they're a real person, that person can also not be used in celebrity.

Yeah.

There.

I made a rule for myself.

There are some famous people, arguably, in politics, who can't be used in celebrity because I just refuse to say their name.

I think we're talking about the same person.

If it's a game of celebrity that we're trying to decide here,

fictional and folkloric, famous characters are allowed if everyone agrees ahead of time.

So we're all on the same page of the game.

You need some ground rules before you start playing.

That makes sense.

But I would say in larger life,

yeah, Santa Claus is a celebrity.

Everyone knows what Santa Claus is.

World-famous celebrity.

Nagin Farsad, thanks for being here.

Oh,

folks, come on.

Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Naguin, of course, the host of Fake the Nation, which you should listen to.

Our video editor is Daniel Spear, the podcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our producer and my friend of

coming up on 25 years.

Wow.

Jennifer Marmer.

Photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at judgejohnhodgman.

There, we're on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgmanPod.

Oh, that's right.

We have a TikTok, so we're celebrities, Jesse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

According to my rule, put our name in the hat.

We're almost as popular as some magnet fishermen.

Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and our video only content.

Aside from Fake the Nation, Naguin,

what's going on?

What should people pay attention to when they're thinking Nagin Farsad?

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you asked because yes,

obviously Fake the Nation, please subscribe.

We also do recap episodes of various TV and film products

in the cultural landscape.

But also, I'm going to be touring in July.

The tour is called the Great American Punchline.

It's me and

Chris Gethard and a couple other comedians that we would love to see you guys in the audience.

We're going to be in places like Memphis and Muncie and Fayetteville and Milwaukee and oh my gosh.

So you could go to bit.ly slash great American punchline to get tickets.

Yeah, I'm going there right now.

And yeah, you're absolutely July 6th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin in Dierks Hall, probably named after my old friend in Boston, Lisa Dierks.

Muncie, Indiana, Hazard, Kentucky, Memphis, Tennessee.

This is incredible.

And look at all this incredible talent I'm there.

Everyone's going to have a great time.

Go over there.

Bit.ly, GreatAmerican Punchline.

Nagin Farsad, thank you very much.

Hey, you know, what we haven't heard in a long time are cases about collections.

We've had a number of really interesting cases about people's...

odd collections and strange collections, including that guy who had that bolo tie, made his own bolo ties there down in the desert somewhere.

Anyway.

Judge Hodgman, do you remember the guy who came on our show years and years and years ago in a baseball-related case?

It was that he was wearing Phillies jerseys to non-Phillies games.

Yes.

Then later we found out that he was also one of the world's foremost collectors of ice cream batting helmets.

That's correct.

I went on that guy's podcast the other day.

He has a podcast about baseball uniforms.

We talked about the minor league baseball uniforms of the San Francisco Giants, such as the Richmond Flying Squirrels and the San Jose Giants.

He's been a friend and a listener, and

I believe a member for a long, long time.

In fact, it was his miniature baseball helmet banana split bowl collection for which I ruled a major piece of standing law, which is the difference between a hoard and a collection as a display case.

And of course, we love him.

And Jesse, we both obviously remember his name.

Say his name, Jesse.

Paul from the podcast Baseball by Design.

Beyonce Paul.

Good job.

Sorry, Paul.

I didn't remember at all.

But anyway, Paul, thank you very much for being a member.

Thanks to all members.

But we want to hear some more collection disputes.

Do you have a friend or family member who is a collection that's taken over your shared space?

Is your partner trying to make you stop collecting all those coffee mugs, even though there's a perfect vintage Farside mug on Facebook Marketplace right now?

Are you tempted to get it against your partner's wishes?

Let us know.

Send your collection cases at maximumfund.org/slash jjho.

We want to be in collection.

You know what?

If people are watching on the YouTube, only people who are watching on the YouTube get to enjoy my sitcom themed mugs from which I drink on this program.

One of which is news radio themed.

The other, of course, themed after the greatest podcast sitcom of all time, Alex Inc.

Wow.

Nobody thought radio was cool, dad, and then you did it.

And of course, we're eager to hear about all your disputes on any subject.

No case is too small.

You know, John, I actually got that mug by mail from my friend Roman Mars in Oakland, California.

He went to a thrift store to buy a huge collection that someone had tweeted at me about

because they knew about my obsession with the promos for the podcast theme sitcom Alex Inc., which I never actually watched.

And I would like to take this opportunity to recommend that people check out Roman Mars 99% Invisible, wonderful podcast, with a wonderful recent episode about White Castle, including a side story about fancy White Castle.

But it's mostly a history of White Castle that I found very fascinating.

And 99 PI, one of my favorite podcasts.

It doesn't matter, though, what your disputes are about.

We'll take them on any subject.

No dispute is too small.

Submit those cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJ H O.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you.