Live From Dublin, Ireland

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. This week's episode recorded live in Dublin, Ireland.
Oh, it was like a dream, Jesse, to be in Dublin.

Also, because we were only there for about 10 hours

due to some flight delays.

The magical time that we had in Dublin, the 10 hours that we had in Dublin, including

the 90 minutes or so of the show that we recorded at the Liberty Theater, along with so many fun litigants, surprise faces in the audience.

Hey, Fiona, and of course, Bobby Ahern of No Monster Club came on the stage with us as well. It was such a wonderful time, and can't wait to get back to you, Dublin.

But for now, I'm very happy that we have this record of a special evening on the stage at Liberty Theater in Dublin. Shall we listen to it, Jesse? Let's go.

Dublin, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we're here at Liberty Hall to deliver it. Let's bring out our first set of litigants.
Please welcome Paul and Andrea.

Tonight's case, Germans Prudence. Paul brings the case against his wife, Andrea.
Andrea likes to listen to Deutschlandfunk public radio in the house, but Paul listens to comedy podcasts. Who's right?

Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure obscure cultural reference.
Yes, the newspapers were right.

Snow was general all over Ireland.

It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the bog of Allen and further westward, softly falling into the dark, mutinous Shannon waves.

It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Fury lay buried.

It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns.

His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling like the descent of their last end upon all the living and the dead.

And the snow whispered to him, Deutschland, funk you up.

Deutschland, f you up. Deutschland, f you up.
Deutschland, funk you up. It's Tuesday night, and we're in Liberty Hall.
Don't believe me, just swear them in.

Paul and Andrea, please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever.
I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he thinks German public radio are a bunch of sellouts and only listens to Czech public radio?

I do. I do.
Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I quoted as I entered this courtroom here in Dublin, Ireland?

Let's see. Paul, let's start with you.

I really don't know, but I do have a guess in my pocket, which is Ulysses by James Joyce. Ulysses by James Joyce.
Let's see. It's an Irish book, folks.

Do you have it in your pocket right now?

No, I'm sorry. All right.
I'm afraid it's inadmissible then. That's fine.
Andrea, what is your guess? I think that's from the novel The Wonder. The Wonder by James Joyce.

No, who wrote that one? Ann Donahue, maybe? Emma Donahue, The Wonder by Emma Donahue, a good novel? Do we have any librarians in the house?

Sorry, do we have any non-librarians in the house?

Deafening silence. The Wonder by Emma Donahue, a book that you recommend? Yes.
Unfortunately, it's wrong.

And, while close, your guess is wrong too, Paul.

It was Dubliners by James Joyce. Specifically, the final novella in that book, The Dead.
I improv the Deutschland Funk You Up part. That's not actually from the text.

Yeah,

in the original text, it's just Deutschland funk 50 times in a row.

I added the extra words. So who comes to seek justice before me in this fake court of international law? I do, judge.
And Paul, that is you? Yes, it is. What is the nature of your complaint?

May it please the court.

I bring the case.

Hang on, let me decide.

It may please me. Go on.

Thank you for asking for the first time in a decade's worth of podcasting. I'm obliged to the court.

I bring the case against my wife, Andrea, who blasts Deutschland Funk in our house without any regard for me and my sanity. Blasts it.
Blasts it, yes. At a high level.

At a high volume and low fidelity. And

I see. Has audio engineering in Germany gone downhill?

I don't know. I see.
Andrea,

do I say Andrea or Andrea? Andrea.

Got it wrong two times.

Emma Donahue, let me ask you this question.

Andrea, how do you respond? I would argue I'm not blasting. In fact, I've invested in high-quality speakers to listen to Deutschland Funk in a pleasurable manner.

And I think Paul's complaint is inadmissible. Let the record show that Andrea has said that she has invested in high-quality speakers to listen to Deutschland funk in a pleasurable manner.

One of the most German sentences ever to be phrased.

Now, wait a minute. Neither of you are Irish.
Says here that you met in Western Massachusetts. Yes.
Where in Western Massachusetts? We met in Northampton. Northampton, Massachusetts.

That's the hometown of Monty Bel Monty, our summertime guest time, fun-time bailiff, Jesse Belton. I know that guy.
Yeah.

Why are you here? What's going on?

Are you such weird stalkers that you would follow us all the way here? In which case,

thank you, because obviously we needed the bodies.

But what brings you here to Dublin, and how did you meet? I am originally from New Jersey. Andrea is originally from Germany, as you can tell.
Andrea.

Well, I call her Andrea, but that's besides the point entirely. Not really.

No, it seems very on point, all of a sudden.

Well, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

But

Andrea was. Please listen to what Judge Joan has to say.

Andrea was studying at Smith College for a year abroad from Germany, and

I was singing

with the Cornell University Glee Club, which is an all-men's choral ensemble.

And we would travel to the so-called women's colleges to sing on a joint basis with all four parties. With the choir wives.
That's exactly right. And it was intended

originally for this kind kind of meeting. And so that's how we met.
And Andrea successfully.

It was the Cornell Glee Club or the Acapella Group? No, the Glee Club.

It's tuxedos and Bach.

It's like an acapella group, but less cool. Exactly.

Precisely, yes. And what part did you sing? Alto? I'm a tenor.
Tenor? Yes. Really? Yes.

You know, in the story The Dead by James Joyce in the book Dubliners, a tenor, an Irish tenor features very prominently. I always say you should read it.
And Then you would have won the case.

Probably, yes.

What was the song that you would sing? What was your best song? Well, together we sung the Bach Bie Minor Mass,

Andre and I. Both of you? Well, we sung it together, and that's how we met.
Was it like a mixer? It was like a Glee Club mixer, Smith versus Cornell? Well, yes, we sang all four parts together.

So that was the purpose that, you know, the women's. Am I living in a 1940s novel? No, and it comes from that era.
And it just continued on.

Did Did you all gather around in the Smith College Botanical Garden and gather around the corpse flower they have there and sing? We actually did see that on the weekend. Yes.

I don't know about you. Dublin's a historic city with lots to offer, but does it have a corpse flower?

Any answers? No. All right.
Now I know.

It's a flower that smells like a corpse that blooms every 10 years or something. We'll cut that from the podcast.
No, you know what? Keep it in.

Double it, as they say on blank check.

So you were singing together. Yes.
Your Glee Club and yours, Andrea. Yes.
And the song was, what was it? The Bach B minor Mass. Okay, hit it.

Friends of the podcast, Paul and Andrea, singing their parts from the Bach B minor Mass. When was the last time you sung it together?

12 years ago. 12 years ago.
Yeah. And Rusty.
And Andrea, can you remember it? I know it very well, but I will, under no circumstance, sing this song.

Would it help if I did the guitar track?

Yeah, we'll give you a B minor, a bouncy B minor.

Andrea, you refuse to sing? I refuse to sing, yeah. Paul, do you refuse to sing?

Yes. You know that you could have won the entire case just by singing just now.

Why don't you want to sing?

Well, we're missing. If there's a soprano and a bass in the audience who can sing the other parts.

It could happen.

Just raise your hand and pretend.

All the bass does is go bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. It's not a big deal.

All right. I understand.
Andrea, you have given up on music and instead you love just the talking of public radio. Is that correct? You might say so.
All right.

So you met at Smith College and then you decided, let's move to Dublin. What happened? How did you get here? Well, Andrea came here first.
Yes, I got a job here in 2012. All right.
And moved here.

And Paul and I were in a long-distance relationship at the time. And so when he graduated college, I said, well, I have a job and you don't have a job.
So I suggest that you come join me here

where I have a job. And I suspect it was a very strong suggestion.

Exactly.

And he listened, of course. And

he followed my orders.

And we've been here together ever since. That's exactly how I ended up moving to New York City.
I was never going to live in New York City.

I always thought that I would move back to Brookline, Massachusetts, or maybe continue to live in Southern Connecticut. Indeed, New Haven, the Paris of Southern Connecticut.

But then I received an order from someone to move to New York City, and that was Andrea, your future wife.

Yeah, makes sense. She told me.

And so what do you do now here in Dublin? I work for a popular search engine company. All right.
We'll say no more about that. Say it.
Alta Vista.

Wait, sorry, I take that back. You can say it.
Ask Jeeves.

Exactly. And I'm a barrister.
A barrister? Yes.

That's an officer of the court. That's correct.
That's an attorney, a lawyer? Yes, it's a courtroom advocate. A courtroom advocate.
Okay.

I don't like courtrooms have enough advocates.

I don't know anybody who's opposed to them.

How am I doing so far? Excellent. These robes, you know, these are Canadian barrister robes.
Yes, I actually brought along for you a tabbed collar and tabs and things like that.

I see you have your own. I didn't leave that shit from you.

I came prepared. It's excellent.
It's quite on point. But I'll accept your gift now.

Where is it?

Here you are, Judge. Thank you very much.
Look at that. So this is what you would wear in Dublin with robes, barrister robes.
Yes, I'd wear a robe very similar to that.

That's very kind. Yes.
You know, in the United States, it's perfectly acceptable for judges at all levels to receive gifts of of any kind. Yes, I'm well aware.

There's absolutely no conflict of interest whatsoever. No.
Do you have a private jet that you'd like to take me on a tour of the world on?

I need an interest-free loan on a $2 million motorhome.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.
Of course. Jesse, would you please throw that on the bribe pile? Thank you very much.

I ordered these from Harcourts, who's a very famous supplier to the Canadian courts. They told me they were making it for me

originally. And in fact, it has my initials embroidered in the back, J.H., John Hodgman.
That's me.

And then it was only when I put this on that I discovered that they had lied to me because it says here it was made for Mr. Justice John Skrawonski,

June 27, 2016.

They pulled it off of the dead barrister pile and sent it to me.

So now I am wearing the robes of death, the ultimate arbiter.

So I will judge you harshly. Very good.
What do you like to listen to?

A dumb comedy podcast. Dumb comedy podcast.
And you're saying that German public radio gets in your way. Yes.

It sends me into waves of existential dread. Judge.
That's its mandate.

I believe, Andre, you brought an audio example of what you like to listen to during the day?

Well, I would say Paul picked his evidence carefully. Oh, I see.
Cherry-picked, you might say.

To demonstrate perhaps the most

difficult to stomach parts of what I like to listen to.

And then I brought some counter-evidence of what Paul likes to listen to. I love the way this is going.

So let's listen to what Paul thinks is a representative example of Deutschland funk. May we hear that, Jesse? Deutschland funk.

Deutschland funk.

In the von Schwern and Wetten Betrofnen region, Austro-Europas, black die lager, Angusband.

In Bulgaria, Greteland, and in the Turkish

commonplace,

is the lagoon of

Greetenland.

Is there any more?

Well, I don't know. I think there are five five-minute news segments every half hour.
Oh, I was enjoying that quite a bit. What do you enjoy about that, Andrea?

I mean, first of all, is that representative of Deutschland funk?

It sounded pretty Deutschland funky to me.

It is pretty representative of the every half hour there would be a news segment. Right.
What were they reporting on? I think, I have to be honest, I wasn't fully listening. I think maybe earthquakes.

Ah, I think you listen to public radio in the same way I do. Not.

It's just sound in the background. Wow.
Well, I'm not talking about bullseye with Jesse Thorne. That's one of my favorite public radio shows.
It's a public radio show I host, John.

No, I listen to every word when I'm in a place that carries it.

Sorry, rude. Yeah, rude.

No, but I love the sound of public radio in the background.

To me, it's almost like ambient noise. It's like

a white noise machine or the sound of waves from the ocean. That's what we're going for.
Yeah,

exactly. So, well, I mean, but it's with me all day long, you know what I mean? And I give money.

I don't need to defend myself to you. I need you to defend yourself to me.

So I would say, yes, I agree. And it's just a great way to be up to speed with what's happening in the world.

It's like instead of, you know, scrolling on my phone when I wake up in the morning, I can just turn on the radio and

see what's up while I'm brushing my teeth. You're making a great case for broadcast news, and I appreciate that.

What is so distasteful about what we just heard?

Do you speak German?

This is part of the problem. I speak it enough to understand maybe 10 to 20 percent of that, but then not.
You only know the words from Bach, B minor, right?

Exactly, yes, but not enough to actually fully understand it. So I hear it, and then I don't understand most of it.
And so then I feel very, very confused and worried.

This is particularly important when they're talking about America, because I feel like I'm overhearing somebody like talking about me behind my back in another language.

Yeah, probably saying nice stuff. I feel like

nice stuff. Yeah.
It would be really funny if Deutschland Funk was mostly talking about you behind your back. Yeah.
Today Rees Paul wore a very nice suit to a podcast recording in Dublin.

I don't do a German accent, so it's sort of like this. This is what's happened on there.
They're going like, well, Donald Trump did something cool and chill. Yeah.

America is very cool. It's okay.
Everything's fine there. Democracy's not damaging.

Yeah, that was a real problem, especially in the past years. So it has gotten better, I have to admit, from that perspective in particular.

But also, I mean, I will concede to Andrea that she has invested in a speaker as opposed to literally turning her phone volume up to full blast and then sticking it on like the top of

the shower

kind of door. Right, because that's the sound quality is lower.
It's a little bit more abrasive. Yeah, much more.
With a rich quality speaker, you really get to hear the sonorous sound. Exactly.

The German talking about you behind your back. Exactly.

You feel left out.

I feel

and maybe concerned that Andrea is receiving messages about you from her Confederates back home. Yes.
I understand. And you like to listen to what? Comedy podcasts?

Yes, in particular, one show which Andrea refers to as The Brothers.

This is car talk.

Let's go to the tape, please.

He brought his partially peeled lemon back into his back.

Almost ashamed of his actions.

All right, I've heard it. That's my brother, my brother, and me, another maximum fun podcast.
Much more successful than us.

As you can tell why.

And another example that Andrea brought, can we hear that please? He is a children's party entertainer.

Please welcome Big Chunky Bubbles.

Oh, it's Comedy Bang Bang starring Scott Auckerman

and Big Chunky Bubbles. Yes.
And any other podcasts you listen to? Any other fun, light, funny podcasts you like to listen to that you might have given an example about your podcast listening tastes?

Of course. Both me and Andrea have come to this court because

we both, of course, enjoy the Judge John Hodgman podcast. All right, I appreciate that.
Throw that on the bribe pile, Bailiff Jesse Thorne. Thank you very much.

Andrea, what do you feel about those podcasts? I think they're loud, annoying, and not funny. Loud, annoying, and not funny.
I take exception to some of that.

Seems like you're at a little bit of an impasse here.

Do you feel left out when he's listening to the McElroy brothers talk about you behind your back?

Well, the problem is they're laughing at themselves so much that I cannot figure out what they're even talking about.

Yeah.

Whereas

there's not a lot of laughter on Deutschland Funk.

Okay.

So

what does listening to Deutschland Funk mean to you, Andrea? Why is it important? It obviously annoys your husband.

Is that the sole benefit that you get, or is there another benefit that you get from it? I just really enjoy being caught up with world news and understanding what's happening.

Like, for example, I was listening this morning and I learned that there is a new law being passed in the EU that

new electronic devices that are brought to market have to be repairable. And that just made me feel really good about my day.

That's news to me as well. Thank you.
Paul, what is not fair about about this situation? Why can't you just listen with headphones to your thing and Andrea can listen with headphones to her thing?

Well, I think that would be a very fair judgment, Judge.

The difficulty is that Andrea does not listen with headphones, but rather blasts it at 6 a.m.

with an open door to the bathroom, bouncing off of the tiles and waking me from a deep slumber. Andrea, why don't you listen at a more reasonable volume level?

I would argue that my volume level is actually very reasonable. So I think it's just a matter of perception.
That's the problem.

You're saying this is a sensory sensitivity issue for him? Perhaps, yeah.

What do you think about his contention that he feels that he's left out and maybe being talked about behind his back, conspired against?

I think he's been working on his German and Duolingo for 10 years, and

I think that that argument is no longer valid.

Maybe he should use the language learning app that sponsors our freaking show. Yeah.

Babel, language language for life. Maybe you'll get a little bit further there.
They might even teach you how to pronounce your wife's name.

You have one more piece of evidence to share before

I make my verdict. Can you explain who submits this evidence and what this has to do with the case? I'm not familiar with the evidence, judges.
All right. Well, this is a surprise evidence.

You're not given your right of discovery.

So

this might surprise you. Okay.
Okay. Andrea, did you submit this evidence? I'm not sure.
Oh,

it's a dog in an outfit. Guys, it was a dog in an outfit the whole time.

Is this one dog or two dogs? On the right, the dog is going to do aerobics, and on the left, it just finished jumping from an airplane.

Who is this dog, and what does this dog mean to you both? This is our dog, Sadie. Sadie is a rescue lurcher.
There's plenty of them all over Dublin.

and she has been with us for two years now. I see.
And well thank you for sharing that. Of course.
And does she have a preference as to what you listen to?

No, she's pretty much sleeping most of the time.

We got to get a podcast together off of maximum fund specifically for Irish lurchers. Got it.
Okay. Yeah, let's put that in the IP pile.

All right, so in the ideal ruling situation, Paul, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor? Judge, I'd like the Deutsche Funk. Remember when you said may it please the court? Yes.

Let's do that again.

Judge, may it please the court. It does.

A lot.

I'm obliged to the court.

The ideal ruling would be that there is a decibel limit to Deutsche Funk, that it could be, there needs to be played only after a certain hour of day.

It can be played any time in the weekend because it gets funky then. There's all sorts of weird jazz and folk music on the weekend.
That's great. Yeah, it's public radio.
Yeah, I love that.

Everyone agrees on German folk music.

We all know that's great.

Absolutely not controversial at all. And finally,

I would say that in common areas, especially where our young son is listening to this radio, I'm concerned that he is going to learn to speak German in a very angry, monotonous, and low tone.

And I would like that. Is there another option?

Yeah, describe another type of German.

So I'm concerned about the impact on our four-month-old. So I'd like communal listening to Deutschland Funk to be limited to the weekends.
I see, I understand.

And Andrea says here that your ideal ruling is that you be allowed to keep listening to Deutschland Funk. Paul can listen to his podcast alone while commuting.

In other words, you never have to hear them ever. All right.
I think I have everything I need in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers, think this over.

Jesse Thorne will talk to you for a moment, but I want you to think seriously about whether you remember any of the words of that Bach B minor

hymn or whatever it was. Bach B minor Mass.

Here I go. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.
Andrea, Andrea, Andrew, what

how are you feeling about your chances right now? I think given the judge's listening habits of public radio, I feel like I have him

on my side. Perhaps he might be a bit biased in my favor.

What we just listened to was particularly, spectacularly public radio-y.

Like, I say that as a literal NPR host.

Is it just like that?

No, it's

like every 30 minutes you have five minutes of news, and then in between that, they have like different features and they bring in different co-hosts and they play music and you learn about sort of cultural topics and things like that.

So like I said, I think Paul cherry-picked his evidence there.

That casts Deutschland Funk in a particularly bad light.

Paul, how do you feel about your chances? I think the evidence speaks for itself, Bailiff.

Wow. That's f ⁇ ing bold.

You're talking about this dog picture that you forgot? Precisely. You forgot even existed?

is there a compromise possible here could you both just listen instead of george and funk just listen to krautrock yeah well

we could listen to just judge john hodgman i suppose which i think is right down the middle between the two extremes but so we're to judge john hodgan rules that is all

now sometimes you got to listen to jordan jesse go to life yes well we'll see what judge hodgman has to say about this when we come back in just a moment

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

You guys recognize this song?

Yes.

I don't know the words. Do you know? You're going to be waiting a while.

This is a Bach mass in B minor here.

So?

Go ahead.

I couldn't possibly spoil this. Just pick it up.
I'll do it.

It's very simple. Bach.
It's Bach. It's German.

Boy, oh boy. Showpersonship personship is dead.

It's like nobody wants to win.

All right, I understand you're shy. You only were in the Glee Club.

It's a beautiful piece of music. Thank you.
Someday, someday. You didn't write it.

Someday you will sing it for me. I have a feeling.
But in the meantime,

I have to determine which of you is going to win this case.

So I like Deutschlein Funk. I don't speak German, but I was grooving on that.
And when I said turn it up, I really wanted to hear it laugh. It really felt good.

It had a very deep, it was like a kind of an almost ASMR quality to it. But instead of making my scalp tingle, it made my bowels rumble.

It made me just like, I felt really, I just felt, hmm, it was a very good feeling to hear it. And I might give that a try myself.

That said, I mean, I am sympathetic to the fact that, Paul, you feel left out.

Because even even though you are married to Andrea and you've been learning German for all this time, you still don't know it.

And she is communing with a culture that is not yours. And you're both in a culture that is not yours.
Here you are, you know, in Dublin, and Andrea is listening to

the sonorous monotone of her homeland, and you're listening to the maniacal laughter of the McElroy brothers in order to gain some sense of, I don't know, nostalgia.

I mean, do you listen to Irish podcasts at all? They're probably good ones, right?

From time to time. Wow.

Yeah, we'll need a security to escort you out.

I think there's nothing wrong with what either of you are doing, but I also appreciate why,

and I'm trying to think of the best way to say this with regard to our friends, the McElroy brothers.

Let me put it this way.

My wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, doesn't let me listen to a lot of podcasts because she doesn't like the sound of the people's voices, even though I consider them to be my close friends.

I don't know them, but podcasts are hanging out with your friends. And I feel deep connection and solace when I am listening to a podcast and I feel like, oh, it's my buddy.

I'm not going to talk about the podcast that I listen to because I have my own podcast to advertise, but also

I'm not going to talk about the podcast that I listen to because I don't want any of them to feel like self-conscious about their voices, but sometimes the voice just rubs you the wrong way, you know?

And in this case, that's what's happening in both directions.

I can't rule in your favor, Andrea, in saying that Paul can only ever listen to his podcast

on

his commute alone. He deserves to listen to a podcast at home as much as you do.
And the point of being married is you share the mutual annoyance at the other person's habits. That's

part of the contract.

I can't, however, say that you shouldn't listen to Deutschland funk because it's just hilarious that it's called Deutschland funk. What am I missing?

I mean, I know what Deutschland is, but funk in German means what? Broadcast. Broadcast.
Okay, yeah. That's fun.

So what I would say is I'm going to rule in Paul's favor in that the decimal level should be set. And Paul, that means you have to get a decimal meter.

Perfect. And actually do the monitoring.
Love that. And you push it as far as you can, Andrea.
You know what I mean? Because that's your job in this marriage.

Pushing him out of his comfort zone, instructing him to move to Dublin, pushing him to broaden his horizons. God knows he needs pushing and singing in public.
He needs more pushing.

You push that decimal level as high as you can, but you set that level and then you keep it. But, Paul, you get to listen to your podcast as well within reason.
But, Paul, you got to learn German.

I mean it. And don't mess around with any other language app.
Babble. Language for life.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. I'm applied to the court.

Paul Andrea, thank you for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you so much.

Let's bring out our next set of litigants. Please welcome James and Patty.

Our case.

Objections in the mirror are closer than they appear. James brings the case against his fiancée, Patty.

When the two of them are driving somewhere, they often play a common car game where they call out yellow license plates, or yellow reg.

James says that when Patty's driving, he has an unfair advantage. He's using his mirrors.

Patty says he's well within his rights to get a point if he happens to have seen a yellow reg while checking that mirror. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. On his deathbed, with just hours to live, he drew a series of inexplicable imaginary treasure maps.

Six of them are hanging in the Louvre, and most people will have you believe he only drew six. But I've always been convinced that he made seven maps.

For decades, my belief has resulted in me being endlessly mocked, derided, and swirlied by the entire historian community. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in.

James and Patty, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever? I do.
I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he only plays Punch Buggy, which is where you hit someone if you see a Volkswagen bug?

I do. I do.
Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. James and Patty, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment, one of yours favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced in this courtroom. James, why don't you go first?

It sounded a bit Don Browney, as in Da Vinci Codesque. A little Da Vinci Codesk.
Yeah,

that's interesting. Yeah,

I can put that into backwards writing in the guest book there. Sure.
I'll also say that if you told me right now that Dan Brownie was the president of Ireland, I would believe you

a thousand percent. It's Dan Scone, president of Ireland.
And how many dogs does he have currently?

One at the minute, unfortunately. Yeah, unfortunately, one of them passed away, right? Very sad.

Anyway, but let's not talk about that. Patty, Once we should focus on that.
It's a comedy podcast.

Talk about dogs they died.

Patty, what is your guess? Unfortunately, same to James. I would guess Don Brownie.
Dan Browney, the president of Ireland.

Sure.

Both guesses are wrong. Indeed, all guesses are wrong.
I was. Wait, hold on.
The real president of Ireland is Tom Clancy.

That may be true, but in this case, they're wrong.

It was actually a radio show for children called Nero's Class, which was released as a podcast by RTE, written by friend of this podcast, Bobby Ahern, and featuring a character actor named John Hodgman.

That was my role as the historian. I had nothing else to come up with because I've never heard of this weird game.
I've never heard of this weird. What is the name of the game?

I don't really think it has an official name.

I would just know it as Yellow Reg, and that's what I would say to any of you. Yellow Reg? Irish people here.
All right, fair enough.

And there's some assent from the audience as well who've played the game. Who seeks justice in this court?

I seek an immediate injunction that Patty is no longer allowed to use his mirrors and damages for lost points in the game. Damages for law.
What's the point tally at the current moment?

A lot of bruises. Yeah, all right, I see.
And that's James.

You're seeking that injunction. I'm seeking that.
Patty, how do you defend yourself? I feel that if I were to sacrifice road safety, there'd be no game left to play.

And sacrificing your safety would mean no mirror has been used, Judge. So

reckless driving. So let me let me understand the rules of this game.
James, can you explain the rules of the game to me? Because you believe they are fairly

played. So I would say usually the game is not played by the motorist so much as the passengers in the back seat traditionally.
Right. You're saying that traditionally the game is played by children.

Children at heart.

Yes.

And the way it works is whenever. So if you're on one of your long road trips in Ireland, say you're going

35 miles,

like, and you've just got hours to kill, and

you've got to distract yourself and entertain yourself as a child in the back seat, you play a little game of yellow reg.

Yes, well, that would mean anytime you see someone named Reginald who has jaundice,

you punch the other person. Is that right? Well, after turning off your favorite comedy podcast, you cast your gaze out the window.

And in Ireland, the registration plate on the back of every vehicle, well, of most vehicles, is white.

But cars that are British or Northern Irish have yellow registration plates. I see.
Better known as yellow regges. Yellow regges.
And whenever one sees a yellow reg

you call it yellow reg

and then you get the treat of hitting someone besides

now let the record show that james just hit patty on the bailiff not quite

very lightly and i think in the in the sentiment of demonstration indeed does it ever get rougher than that i suppose in excitement it could potentially get rougher than that uh but

james for the sake of this game i am going to submit myself okay and give full consent for a true yellow-red

slap or punch on the arm so that I know what you're dealing with here. Like a worst-case case scenario one.
James.

I don't think I said that.

If we're driving the car. Let's just say it's an exciting moment in the road trip.
We've just hit the waypoint of seven miles and you see a yellow registry

in the car. Oh, I guess in Ireland I'd be on this side.
You would.

And I'm in the back seat.

And this doesn't give you much of wind up. Well, but on the other hand, they're probably pretty small cars.

I'll just hastily add that Patty is my fiancé, so usually I hit him on the leg, but I'll hit you on your arm instead. No, you can.

May I? Okay. Thank you.
All right.

Let the record reflect that the judges can-canned.

All right.

We're driving along. I would say.
What kind of car do you have? Ayundai I30. A Hyundai A30? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's pretty nice. It's a little bit roomier than I would think.
Yellow edge. That's it?

Yeah, that's it. All right.

Let me try it on this side.

Patty, you ready? Yeah. All right.

Is this okay? Yeah, that's all right.

Yellow Reg.

It's nothing.

There seems to be no benefit to that game at all.

Are you telling me that Irish children in the back of the back seat are just giving each other love pats like that when they get the yellow reg

often? The person's not driving, it can can be a heavier punch i suppose if the person's

not driving there's probably less risk involved so a heavier punch might be a lesson so who does most of the driving in the relationship is i that would be you patty okay patty i don't believe for a second that's how you hit him i saw that hit and i also know that you play in a rugby league

what happens on the pitch doesn't always happen in the car so there's a difference

all i can say is for a while in high school my best friend pete played in a rugby league he'd go play on saturdays and then I'd go hang out with him on Sunday at his house, and it would just be him lying on his sofa going, oh.

Are you going to a rugby match after this show? No, but I have some bruises on my legs if you want evidence.

But those aren't from playing Yellow Ridge. That's hard to say.

So your contention, Patty, if I understand it, is as you are the driver, the motorist, as you say,

first of all, the game is fairly tame. It's just a light slap so that you don't go driving off the road into the ditch.
Yes. And you are using your mirrors.

So James's argument is that when we're driving on a motorway, which has two lanes of traffic traveling the same direction. Yeah.

And you have one of those here?

One or two.

To seven kilometers long. You do it a few times to get

kilometers, I apologize.

But his argument is that a car approaching from behind, that I can recognize that it is not an Irish registration plate from the front and then as it passes us I will know it's yellow and have the advantage of seeing so you will have advanced information because you're monitoring the road as a safe driver yes so you know a car is coming up with a yellow plate potentially

and so you call it and you slap him before he can slap you no I have to see the yellow edge first otherwise there's no integrity yeah but you've already seen it in the mirror but Patty you what you're telling us is that here in Ireland the registration is only on the rear of the vehicle.

So you can tell something about the front of the vehicle that suggests that the registration will be yellow on the back.

So cars in the Republic of Ireland are both white front and back, but cars in Northern Ireland, which are rarer, the letter combination is a bit different.

So if you are very carefully on the road looking, you might notice that that might be a yellow-edged car. Maybe.
Sometimes. So this is a game of skill.

Yes.

Not the way I play.

So you contend, James, that Patty has an advantage? I think he has a clear and obvious advantage. And how many more points does he score in the game on average?

Or what is the damage to you? Well, we've already negotiated a few rules in our version of the game, which is maybe not

as played as standard nationwide. In our version of the game...

Have you consulted with the Yellow Redge Commission? The National Yellow Redge Commission of the Republic of Ireland? It's an EU organization.

You could start it. You could start the official rules, but let's see what happens.
So we were traveling in Northern Ireland, where all of the reges are yellow.

You all must have been extremely slap-happy on that trip.

So we came to an agreement that the yellow regearing car has to be moving.

It can't be parked. It can't be parked.
No. Because we walked down a street, which was all yellow reges.

Right. And by the end, we were like, we have to stop.
Yes.

And then in addition to yellow reges, there are even rarer red reges and black reges, which are vintage cars in Ireland. Oh.
So they are Irish, but they're vintage.

So you see far fewer of them on the road. And for a red one...
Or for a black? 10. Yeah, for a black, 10.
And for a red... 10 slash.

And for a red, 25.

But they are very rare. I understand.
What's rare is good. Yeah.
Yeah. And I would say Patty Paddy is much more prolific at seeing yellow reges than I am.

But actually, in his defense, which I shouldn't be doing, I am more proficient at seeing the blacks and reds.

Why is that? I think it's because

I can be absent-mindedly looking out the window

and he has to only look forward.

So you're saying that his advantage of having the mirrors and spotting yellow reges is nullified when it comes to you just staring into the middle distance and seeing antique cars.

But the rarity of the black and red, I mean, every time we're in a car, we see multiple yellows, but

the opportunities to see blacks or reds are so, so rare. This is like really, this whole thing is like a weird mix of Pokemon and BDSM.

James, what do other people in your life say about this game that the two of you play? Well, actually, it's funny.

They are all on my side, I would say. Ah.
Yes. Like I so I'm a teacher

and I was out we just went back to school very recently and we went out for celebratory or commiseratory drinks last Friday night with all of the teachers.

And I was explaining that we were coming on a comedy court of law to hear this out and all of the teachers who are fair and like-minded people

agreed with me. They were on my side.

But they're your colleagues. Yes.

And

while I was at these same drinks, Paddy was at a barbecue with some of his

friends who are doctors like he is. He's a doctor.
And they were on my side as well. Is it true that your doctor colleagues were on James's side, Patty?

They are,

as doctor colleagues, quite logical people. And one of them actually gave me a counterpoint to James's argument of my unfair advantage.

When reversing the car or using maneuver, at that point, I am literally incapacitated. I can't look outside the vehicle.
But James suddenly will give me a smack saying, yellow edge.

While you're reversing the car. Yeah, or doing a maneuver parking, so it's unreal.
What kind of maneuvers are you doing?

Parking or reversing. Yeah.
Oh, I remember. I was being like followed by one of James Bond's enemies or something.

He's like, well, I can't see Yellow Redge. I put out the smoke screen.

Also, driving on two wheels like that side and also jumping over a canyon is another maneuver that happens.

That seems awfully dangerous, James, to be slapping the driver when he's in the midst of reversing.

I mean, maneuvers are done slowly, usually, anyway. Sure.

I mean, when you have your vision wildly impaired because you're looking over your back seat, oh, I'm sorry, I guess that's just

looking over and you can barely see. And if you're like me, you can barely turn your neck to begin with, and you're terrified about running over a dog or a child.

It's a great time to have someone slap you in the leg up to 25 times.

I suppose the argument I would make is that

Patty is always well he's always driving so it's his car and he's always driving yeah I've only driven it once actually but you can drive if you wanted to yes I can is it a manual transmission or an automatic transmission it's manual yeah that sounds great Hyundai i30 did you say correct yeah terrific much bigger in the back than I would have thought

But you know, I might be on a language learning app. Yeah, I wonder which one?

Well, actually, I'm a language teacher, so I don't really?

Yes, I am.

What languages do you teach? I teach German, French, and Spanish. Really?

Do you know box, mass, and B minor?

Any of the words? Naturally. Naturally? Can you sing to me? No, of course not.

I got very excited there for a moment. Again, it's like no one wants to win.

Do you listen to Deutschland Funk? I'd actually never heard of Deutschland Funk, but I must say, I really liked the sound of it. Deutschland Funk's going to give give it to you.
Let me tell you.

That's my feeling. So, anyway, we got to say, sorry, yes.
So, Patty's driving,

I'm in the passenger seat, which means that I could be looking at my phone and get a tap of a yellow reg or a red reg or a black reg. And that is a risk that I take.

And that is a risk that I take anytime I get in the vehicle with him

because we just play this every time we're in the car together. In fact, it's...
Why?

They're in love.

All right. Is that the reason? It's just a fun love game to play.
So during COVID times, while traveling to work with a colleague,

she brought this game back into my life because I was driving with her as a passenger, being assaulted intermittently. I was like, this is fun.
So during COVID...

So during COVID, we a lot of road trips or staycations in Ireland, including one up to Belfast. So it was a perfect time to bring it into our life.

That's probably safer than playing Yahtzee while driving. Yeah, yeah.

You're saying this whole game was just burned into your soul by trauma?

Rekindled. Yeah.

Yeah, he was hazed, and so he's passing along the hazing to the man he's going to marry. Got it.

Do you enjoy it, James? You enjoy the game? Yeah, I actually really do. Because

the only time we don't play if we're in a car is if we're having a tiff of some kind. Right.
A quarrel. That's the only time you don't play yellow red.

And it might even be the thing that brings that to an end. If

we feel like

it might warm the soul.

The fraudure has ended. What kind of thing might you be having a dispute about?

How long is the possibility of?

What kind of actual dispute do you have in your relationship that is not this dumb license plate game? So we're getting married. Congratulations.
Thank you. Yes.

And in our initial discussion of what we would like at our wedding ceremony,

I had very granular ideas that I was bringing. Yes.
And I wanted to get them over the line. So I offered carte blanche to Patty to get whatever he wanted out first.

Right? Get whatever he wanted out. As in what he wants at a wedding ceremony.
Oh, okay.

The details he wants at a wedding ceremony. The things that he wants to have.
Yeah.

You had a lot of ideas. I had very specific ones.
So you were holding on to them to give Patty a chance. to express his emotions so that you could say, no, here's what I want.

It sounds to me like you anticipated he wouldn't have a very good plan and in fact would expect to collaborate with you on the plans.

And you figured you could lay the trap of having him go, I don't know, I'd like to do something that you'd like to do. And then you'd be like, oh, okay, well, here's the 20-point program.

I am a teacher, Jesse.

This is what we do. So you had a curriculum for what you wanted for anybody.
You were holding on to it. You said, but first, Patty, what do you want? And what was the conflict there?

Well, the conflict has been in how how valuable I think

his response to that question was. So

I said, oh, what do you want in a wedding? While driving a car. While he was driving.
Are you ever not driving?

I know this is the only time.

Is the Hyundai idling outside waiting for you to get back in? Put money in the meter, maybe.

So you turn to him while driving and say, what do you want our wedding to look like?

What's important to you in a wedding, I think, is exactly how I phrase phrase it.

And you said, good food, good music.

Yeah. I think that's...
That's great.

Good food, good music. Thank you so much.
A wise man once said that specificity is the soul of narrative. F it.

And by the way, those are two specific things.

Good over there, Dodd. Thank you so much.
Good music. What does that mean? Good food, good music.
That means nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Who aspires for the moment? Why do you come to Mr. Bad Food, Bad Music over here?

Sounds like a sh wedding to me.

Who aspires for bad food or bad music at a wedding? No, but

I think that it might be saying the things that I prioritize are: I'd like the food to be good, and I'd like the music to be rocking. I'd like it to be some real Deutschland funk up in there.

And other than that, it doesn't really matter to me. Thank you, Judge.
You're welcome. I feel hurt.
I'm feel teen.

But you took it a different way. You took it to be like, I don't care, make it a party.
No, no, I definitely think he cares. And I think he really cares about good food and good music.
Yeah. But

to me, that. So I guess I'm looking for more concrete details than just good food and good music.
Where are we getting good food? What kind of good music will we be playing? That's where you're for.

Is there a specific kind of food you want at your wedding?

Like... Jacquesia said, going to a venue that has bad food is something I don't want to aspire to.

I think that I have been given the title of project manager in the last few weeks as well. So it will be my job to find the good food.

In the food and music department, project manager. Yes.
What are some of the things that you want to have happen? Oh,

I was. Oh, okay.

So.

Block the doors. We're going to be here for a while.

So I had picked.

No, I hadn't picked. I was suggesting.

Ah!

Red Red

Project.

I was ready to suggest a first dance song. Yeah.

And also I wanted to propose a celebrant that would marry us. Yeah.
A specific person. I'm afraid I can't do it.

Jesse, are you available?

Wow, that was fast.

Jesse, you can do it.

What was the first dance song you wanted to do?

So it's a song by a Japanese-British pop star

called called This Hell is Better With You.

I love it.

Thank you. Someone knows it too.
Do you want to marry me?

And the celebrant, so

just before the pandemic, two friends of mine got married in Brussels. Yeah.

And they got legally married in a town hall and then fake married afterwards. Yeah.
And I fake married them. I was their celebrant.
Very nice.

So I wanted to ask the bride of that couple to be our fake celebrant. And actually, I still haven't done it.

But Patty was very much in agreement with that.

I don't understand where the fight comes in just because Patty wants good food and good music. So suddenly we need a game of yellow reg to.

But it led to a period of silence for

a journey on the road. Yes, okay.
It was only broken. But actually it was at night time, so we couldn't see any yellow edges.

My mirrors are useless to me.

What would you have me order if I were to rule in your favor, James? I would have you order that

I am not allowed to call yellow reg when Patty is doing maneuvers, but he is not allowed to use his mirrors

in order to gain an advantage. He can still claim the vision of the yellow reg that stops me from

you know claiming it but he's not allowed to hit me for it.

I see. Patty

Why do you think James cares so much about this?

James does not like to lose.

James doesn't like to lose. But neither do I, and that's partly why we're both very stubborn people and very suited for each other.
Yeah.

But I think if I was to have my way, that status quo should be maintained, that I would accept that he has advantages while I'm reversing. That's okay, as long as you don't crash.

But I can maintain my advantages of mirrors. But yeah, that would be my version of events.
Status quo, leave it the way it is.

Yeah. All right.
I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to get into the surprisingly roomy back seat of a Hyundai I-30.

I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.
James, how do you feel about your chances? Really bad.

Like the kind of food I want at my wedding, I guess.

Patty, how are you feeling? Pretty good.

Surprisingly, yeah, it's come, people are more in my favor than normally happens, which is good. Like when you're doctoring?

Hopefully not, because I know Paul works for the IMO, which is our doctor's union, so hopefully you can represent me if needed.

Well, Patty James, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.
No, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls.
Goodbye.

It's a multi-award-winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is.

And anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time.
She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old.

She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on.
Yes, the orthopaedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I?

Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast. Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, Mother.
This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximumfun.org.

I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

We're taking a break from the stage at Liberty Theater in Dublin. If you're in the Bay Area and you're enjoying this live episode of Judge John Hodgman, guess what?

The Judge John Hodgman live experience is coming to you this month. That's right.
We are returning to the San Francisco Sketch Fest, our home away from home on Saturday, January 27th.

We'll be at at the Palace of Fine Arts at the incredibly reasonable time of 4 p.m. You can see our show, bring your tweens,

have dinner nearby, and be home at a reasonable hour. I cannot wait to see you all there.
Get your tickets at bit.ly slash JJ H O S F 24.

Or just Google Judge John Hodgman San Francisco Sketchfest or go to sfsketchfest.com or bit.ly slash jjo sf24. Whatever you want to do, go and get those tickets.
And you know what?

To do a show, we need disputes. We've got a lot of them, but we could always use more.
Submit your Bay Area cases to maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

Hey, San Francisco, Oakland, Bay Area, you know someone in your life who's doing it wrong. Let me know about it.

Go to maximumfund.org slash jjho and we'll consider your case for live adjudication on stage. You'll get to come back stage, say hi, get to be on stage with us and have a really good time.

People seem to like it and we sure do. So get your tickets, get your cases, come see us live.
San Francisco Sketch Fest, January 27th.

And if you have a case, no matter where you live, maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho. Let's get back to the stage.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

You may be seated. So first of all, congratulations.
You're both adorable.

I pronounce you husband and husband. Thank you.

This is official. This is legal.

Check in at the bar on the way out and get your marriage certificate. Thank you.
Anyone else who's getting married tonight, it's done.

We already got your names. Check into the bar.
You got your marriage certificate. Just a little bonus to our Dublin crowd.
I'm so happy for you. When are you going to get married? What a fun question.

Yeah.

Sorry, say it again. What a fun question.

Still in the process of planning, probably late next year, early 25. Is this an area of dispute? No, we're actually in agreement on that.
Okay, good. At the moment, we have a long short list.
Yeah.

The thing that concerns me, I love a long engagement. The thing that concerns me is that I would like you to get married before you die in a car crash.

Now, I appreciate that you're an expert driver. I mean, Patty, you are a doctor.
What kind of doctor are you?

Geriatrics. A geriatric physician who plays rugby and drives a Hyundai I-30.
It's like you married James Bond.

Incredible. And you're an incredible teacher and

servant to the community, so you're wonderful.

But what I'm saying is, I'm sure you're a very safe driver, but no matter what, it is not safe to have someone slapping you when you're driving in reverse under any circumstances.

And as well, I can't really rule against James using those mirrors because a safe driver is always going to be monitoring their surroundings.

And if that means some information gets into their head, because they're checking the rearview mirror, the side mirror, the side mirror, rear view, forward, everything else, they're observing stuff when maybe you're in your phone or looking out for one of the coveted red reges or whatever.

Patty isn't doing this specifically to get a game advantage, but simply is absorbing information. Is that correct, Patty? Correct.
Yeah.

Because if you are using your mirror specifically to look out for yellow regs or the fronts of cards that suggest they might have a yellow reg in the back, that would make you a terrible driver.

That would make you a terribly distracted driver and a danger to you, your fiancé, and everyone around you. That can't be you, right? That's definitely.
That's not the Hyundai i-30 Way. No.

So,

unfortunately, James, I must rule against you. Patty is using the mirrors because he has to in order to drive safely.

He also needs to be able to drive safely without being bothered or hit while doing maneuvers, as you say.

I think it's distracting enough that you're hitting a driver at all. I am anti-punch buggy.
I'm anti-all of this personal violation of space while driving kind of thing.

That said, I think that probably,

given the lightness of the slaps that I endured from both of you, that it's probably not life-threatening to you or the people around you, if you're going forward in the flow of traffic in a more or less calm driving situation.

That's a good yellow-red, red-red, black, reg situation. But you cannot hit your driver when they're reversing, even if you are engaged to them.

And certainly don't do it if it's your cab driver.

In any case, I wish you both the best of luck. I'm sorry that I can't rule in your favor, James.
I really hope that you have truly good food and good music and everything you want.

And I will order Patty to be more specific, to create a menu and a playlist. So at least you don't have to worry about that.
This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. James Patty, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman pod.
Thank you.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Daniel and Gavin.

Brian and everyone here in the Liberty Theater, thank you all so much for coming. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that's all.

That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks to Reddit users Nobody's News and Floofy Monster Cat for naming the cases in this episode.

You can name cases maximumfund.reddit.com. You can chat about this week's episode at maximumfund.reddit.com or leave a comment on our posts on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman there.

This week's episode, recorded by Gavin Hales, edited by Daniel Speer. Marie Barty Salinas runs our social media.

You can follow us on Instagram, as I said, at judgejohnhodgman, where you can see the evidence and photos from this show.

I would say, John, the greatest show we've ever recorded at a labor struggle themed theater.

There are more

portraits of like

clashes between organizers and Pinkertons

or Irish equivalent than any other venue we've ever played.

Thanks to everyone who came out for that show, and we'll have more shows coming to you from our travels around the globe. But for now, that's it, right, Jesse?

If you have a case, maximumfun.org/slash JJHO. And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.