Live from Los Angeles

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week's episode recorded live at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

I'm not sure the listeners understand this, so I'm just going to say it again.

This was recorded in a Masonic Lodge in the middle of a Hollywood cemetery.

Like the most famous Sarah Cemetery in all of Southern California.

Hasn't it a Masonic Lodge?

Sure.

Why wouldn't it?

Of course.

With thrones and all, as they say.

Thrones and all.

And in addition to the throne, a very special guest.

I don't know if you've ever heard of this person, Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris.

That's my co-host from the Smash Hit podcast, Jordan Jesse Go.

And folks might know him from Good Mythical Morning, where he is, among other things, Cotton Candy Randy, which I know is your special interest, John.

I am obsessed with Cotton Candy Randy, Jordan Morris' character on Good Mythical Morning.

If you know what I'm talking about, as they say on the internet, you know what I'm talking about.

But

why don't we get to the show?

Let's go to the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we're here at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery to deliver it.

Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Please welcome Jay Keith and Sarah.

Tonight's case, Linus Item Vito.

Jay Keith brings the case against his fiancée, Sarah.

Sarah still sleeps with the tattered remains of her baby blanket.

Jay Keith finds it upsetting to see and touch.

He calls it the monster.

He wants it out of their bed.

Sarah wants to keep sleeping with it.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

I was very much in my room with my marionette stage, you know, creating these incredibly boring things that I felt were so fascinating and forcing my relatives to come and charging money for them to see my little productions.

If anyone would have been paying serious attention to my puppet shows, I would have been sent to therapy very young.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in.

Jay Keith and Sarah, please rise.

Raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he skipped childhood entirely?

Yes.

Yes.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Let the records show that Jay Keith waved at me and smiled.

Indicating, Sarah, I'm sorry to say that Jay Keith and I have met before.

Yes, we have worked together before, and he is currently trying to use that connection to influence this court.

I will not recuse myself, Jay Keith.

I was trying to be nice.

Well, stop it right now.

The niceness ends here.

Sarah, it's very nice to meet you.

Jay Keith, it's nice to see you.

Let the record show that I am now smiling and waving to you.

Hi, Jesse.

They're definitely Masons.

That's what's going on here.

So, you are, of course, the host of Go Fact Yourself on Maximum Fun.

Thank you.

You guys, thank you.

Who canceled tonight?

What's that?

I said, who canceled tonight?

Paul Rudd.

No way.

Sarah, what podcast do you host?

I mean, you live in Los Angeles, right?

Sure.

No, sure.

I host a podcast about

our kitty cats that

I was a dog person, but now I'm a cat person.

Is that so?

Yeah.

But do you host a podcast about that?

No.

Do not lie to me, madam.

Do not lie.

Just answer truthfully.

It'll go much

easier for you.

It says here you met at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

We did.

We did.

How did that come about?

Just dancing on some graves.

And we we locked eyes.

It was a movie screening

that they do in the summer.

They do in the summer, right?

Moulin Rouge, and he was a couple blankets down.

And he said to you,

and I said, avec moi.

Well, Trébianne.

Jay, Keith and Sarah, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can you name the piece of culture that I referenced when I entered the courtroom?

Sarah, what's your guess?

Amelia Bedelia.

Amelia Bedelia.

Okay, Jay Keith, I'll put that down.

Is it from that?

Is it from, well, we'll find out.

No.

Yeah, I mean, that's what we're doing here.

This is like a trivia question, Jay Keith.

You ever have

any experience with trivia questions?

Well, I do.

As you and Jesse know, I do a podcast.

Just to answer.

Sorry, I was buzz marketing.

Yes, what was the question?

Yes, I am familiar with trivia.

And then what was the next question?

What do you think about the culture?

Who was I quoting?

I believe I'm going to say David Sederis.

David Sederis.

All guesses are wrong, but I'm going to give you, since you host trivia game, Go Fact Yourself with Helen Hong on the Max Fun Network,

I'll give you an opportunity to answer via trivia question.

Oh, okay.

This is for either one of you.

The first who thinks they know the answer, buzz in by saying their name.

The person I was quoting played Francois Truffaut's interpreter in a movie called Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Does anyone in the audience know it?

If so, say your name.

Martin and Lewis?

Wait a minute.

Are you ghosts?

Are your bodies buried here?

Martin and Lewis say it at the same time on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Bob Balaban is correct.

Very nice.

And why did I quote Bob Balaban in this case that is on the subject of a blankie, a security blanket?

Why did I quote Bob Balaban, trivia master Jay Keith?

I Google the questions and the answers that we write.

Oh, I see.

Yeah,

I don't actually know everything.

I don't mean to put you on the spot like that.

Does anyone know, anyone have a guess?

Bob Balaban originated the role of Linus in your good man Charlie Brown in the office

production.

I played Schroeder in my college production.

Oh, Oh, so you must know him then.

Yes, all of the casts in amateur productions hang out with the original Broadway cast.

Tell me about this blankie that you have, Sarah, or what's left of your blankie.

Sure, sure, sure.

Do you mind if I call it a blankie?

Because that's what I called my blankie.

No, I think you should.

Okay.

Does it have a name?

Does it have a different name, like Softy?

I was debating whether or not to say what the name was.

Oh, I've settled that debate.

In the affirmative.

It started out as a Mimi.

Mimi.

Yes.

And now,

I mean, is that embarrassing?

No.

No, no.

Only, you know, when people are around.

But then it became just the baby blanket.

And it was a piece.

Is it still

fabric?

Well, you did send in a photo of the blanket formerly known as Mimi.

Oh, my God.

Can we see that photo now?

I'm going going to do it at Family Food Style.

Show me Mimi.

Oh, my.

What we're seeing here, just for the at-home.

I didn't think it'd be so funny.

I thought people would be more like, oh, that poor girl.

What we're seeing here for the at-home listener

is

what's left over after the invisible man goes to the podiatrist.

I was going to say something something that fell off an extra in the Mandalorian.

It's very.

Mimi's not looking so hot.

Mimi's pretty shredded up.

Listen, Mimi

is

like 45 years old.

It was

a piece of green flannel that was cut out of the nightgown that my mom wore.

when she was pregnant with my brother.

Oh.

And so.

So it has real sentimental value.

It does.

It really does.

It's not just one of these bullroar blankets that you get.

No, no, no.

I mean, when I was 18, did my mom make me a new one?

Just in case she did?

Right.

And she took a little piece of this one and put it in the corner as like a joke.

It's somewhere, just as like a backup.

But.

Wait, I have to ask you, you said that this was a piece of the nightgown that your mom wore when she was pregnant with your brother?

Yes.

Is this like when you get a a second dog and you like rub a blanket on the new dog and have the old dog smell it?

She hosts a cat podcast, Jesse.

Sorry, sorry.

She hosts an imaginary cat podcast.

She doesn't know that trick.

Jay Keith, why do you hate this blankie so much?

Well, you know what?

I'll rephrase.

Why do you hate Sarah's beloved Mimi so much?

Oh my God.

Well, first, I want to stipulate: I have no judgment about her having this blanket, about her wanting and loving this blanket, about needing this blanket to sleep.

This is not an argument about that.

This is a dispute about the blanket itself.

And I really don't feel I have to say anything else, frankly, just looking at the photo.

I find it jarring to look at.

I find it jarring to touch, which I do by accident sometimes

in the same bed.

Yeah, I just find it.

It's as if he steps on a Lego when he touches it on accident.

Yeah, no, it is a disruption when I accidentally touch it.

It's not just, ooh, what's that?

It interrupts any kind of serenity that I might have accumulated at bedtime, which is a particularly sensitive time when one would want serenity.

What sort of noise does he make when he accidentally touches Mimi?

Oh,

that is not far off.

All right, that's fair.

I also have been known to leave the room.

And listen,

I get that.

I mean, growing up, my parents would be like what are you going to do like if you get married and we're engaged for now what are you going to do yeah and

i said they will just have to learn like you know to deal with it it's because it's wedged here and it holds my head up and it's so comfortable especially when it's cold you still you still you still sleep with mimi wedged up on the side of your face usually when he leaves.

Otherwise, it's just under the pillow.

Any moment that he leaves during the day, you'll just run right over and kick, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, Mimi.

Sometimes.

No.

No, to be fair, one of her initial solutions had been to keep it within her pillowcase.

But we all know a pillowcase is not a secure Mimi holding device.

I mean, it's going to,

there's very often slippage.

I was going to ask, it's not sentient, is it?

It's not crawling around.

Not exactly, but it definitely seems to have a life of its own.

But as you pointed out, Sarah, it does have sentimental value.

It has history.

You have a piece of evidence that displays this history.

May we look at that now?

What else do you have?

Oh, yes.

You know what?

You're right.

What else do I have?

Jesus fing Christ.

I just show slides and talk to people on stage.

Oh, my God.

You know, the end of the tour, I thought it was going well, but now I see what I'm doing, Jesse.

No, it's going so well.

You know, I used to do comedy on television.

I used to have an act.

I wrote books and things, and now I'm talking about a baby blankie.

John, I host NPR's least popular program.

The only thing that's going to get me out of this soul hole, honestly, is if I turn around and see something very adorable.

So fingers crossed.

Oh,

look at that.

That's a historical photo, a real one, not one that Jesse's friend from college made.

What are we seeing?

Say to the listeners at home what we're seeing here.

Sure, sure.

So, this is a little bitty baby, Sarah.

That's you.

That's me.

Yeah.

You're cute.

You know, I was probably like, you know, three or something.

Right.

And that's the original Mimi

when it was two sides of flannel.

You saying it only has one side now?

There are no sides.

This is a Mobius.

It is now just strings and knots.

Right.

And who's that?

Who's that?

And that's my mom.

With you, someone who works at the airport?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that's a stock photography model from a bank advertisement in 2005.

It's always wearing those giant headphones.

Oh, okay.

No, that's who is that, really?

That's my mom.

That's your mom.

And you're

very cozy there.

Are you not moved by this scene, Jake's?

Oh, I think it's a lovely scene.

I would be happy to have this photo in bed.

I mean I don't want that

Jay Keith are you opposed to sleeping with comfort objects in bed not at all not at all no I have no problem if this were uh if it were yeah if it were a teddy bear

do you have a teddy bear I don't think that's what this case is about do you have a

still I'll allow it yeah yeah I know I do not I do not I do not have a I do not have a

comfort that you sleep with you don't have a comfort animal I have we have two actual animals Oh, right.

Two cats.

Two cats.

How do they feel about Mimi?

I don't know if they've ever met because I really try to keep

Mimi

away from everybody.

Knowing one of our cats, I think it would lead to disaster.

It would.

Jay Keith, do you have a sleep with like a body pillow?

No.

With a picture of me on it or something?

Not anymore.

Okay.

I mean, well, I guess I'm asking is, would you if they were available on the Max Fun store?

I mean, if it helps the network, sure.

Sure.

Okay, I'm just doing some market research.

That's all.

Yeah, and to be clear, like, I totally get about, you know, sleep is difficult and it's challenging and whatever you can do to make yourself sleep better.

I totally get that.

I'm not.

I don't want to deny that to your fiancé.

It's this particular object in this particular condition that I'm sorry.

And Sarah, again, you sleep with Mimi sort of under your, sort of, are you a side sleeper?

I, I, like, if I'm on my back, then I, like it just like wedges my head right here.

Otherwise, it's like, how do you all do it?

Your head just like falls to the side.

There's nothing there to sort of like hold it up.

So

would you say a scrap of cloth is your primary source of personal and emotional support?

Sometimes I use a shirt.

Well, how does Mimi feel about that?

Probably not great.

And why is Mimi no longer Mimi?

Was it ever

a personality or was it always an it?

No, it was a bit of a tight.

We can take the slide down, please, by by the way, and bring the lights back up.

It was always an it.

I think it started probably in high school or college.

Right.

And it just became a baby blanket

that would just sort of live in my pillowcase.

But somebody took it once and put it in my dorm trash can.

Whoa.

And what happened?

Murder?

I can't say.

Okay.

So, but you recovered it from the trash, and now it's in your bed.

That's also very comforting to think about.

Yeah, looking at the photograph, I was a little concerned that the adjective that would best describe this blanket is crispy.

It's not crispy at all.

It's naughty.

No.

No, not.

It's full of knots.

K-N-O-T-T-Y, not the other one.

It's just, it's full of knots everywhere.

There are no accidents in this.

You might be right.

You might be right, Dr.

Hodgman.

We know she's a nasty freak.

I untangle it like once a week.

You untangle Mimi once a week?

And what's the cleaning procedure?

Does Mimi stink?

No.

All right.

How do you clean Mimi?

No.

I will hand wash Mimi.

Okay.

Because I think it will deteriorate.

Well, it will.

And what are you doing when she hand washes Mimi?

Vomiting someplace?

I have not been privy to that.

As far as I know, it has not been cleaned since we've been together.

It has.

Okay.

That makes it kind of worse because you can't truly tell.

Sarah jumped in very quickly on the odor question.

So I'm going to ask you, Jake, does Mimi have a smell?

To be honest, I would never get that close.

Yeah, I would never get that close.

You're exactly right.

What is it that disturbs you about Mimi so much?

There's the twist.

Because this sounds a little bit like the repulsion I feel when I think about underwater robots.

Underwater rodents.

Yeah, I have a phobia of otter rodents.

Like in the submarine ride at Disneyland?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how they're those.

You know how there are those animatronic mermaids and mermen down there, just like constantly waving?

And I could fall into that lagoon at any time.

Right.

I'm worried about it right now.

I'm closer than I've been in years

to falling into that oily water and knowing that they're down there going like this.

Right.

Right.

And it literally freaks me out.

Yeah.

I honestly,

I'm losing blood in my head right now.

Right.

I'm going to lean on this thing.

It's called submechanophobia.

It's in the books.

Oh, okay.

Well,

maybe I have that.

Well, do you have that kind of reaction to this?

I think so.

It is not.

There's definitely a big part of my reaction that is not logical.

It is purely visceral.

It is purely

some sort of trauma is triggered in me by touching and/or seeing it.

Well, how do you feel on your tummy tum?

My tummy tum feels boom-boom.

My tummy tum feels boom-boom.

Your honor.

Oh, no, that's me.

I'm the judge.

Yeah, I do have a bit of the same kind of visceral reaction, like if I were to see

a hard-shelled insect scurry across the floor suddenly.

Like, I have a little bit of that kind of panic jump reaction.

And yet, it is in the place where I would like to

make a note that I need to get a hard-shell insect to scurry across Jake Heath's floor.

No, please don't do that.

No, no, it's going to be great.

It's going to be fun.

You're going to love it.

Keep you on your toes.

What would you have me order if I were to order in your favor, Jake?

Destroy this blanket?

No, no, God, no, no, no.

I'm a sentimental person.

I keep a lot of things.

I understand.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not just saying toss it in the garbage like you're like a roommate in a colonic storm.

No, you're here.

I mean, destroy it in a very sentimental burning ritual or

Viking funeral type situation.

Yeah, exactly.

Send it off.

I have no desire into the lake in MacArthur Park or something.

I don't know.

I have no desire for her to get rid of it.

I would like to have it not not be in the bed.

Not in the bed.

Not in the bed.

Sarah is.

Which I also understand.

Good.

But refuse.

Which is fair.

You can understand and still say, no, I need to have it in the bed.

That's what you would have me rule, right?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm open to compromise.

What compromise would you be open to?

Like to put it in like a mesh laundry bag or something so that like he wouldn't feel the

strings we're already having texture issues

like I'm not sure adding mesh to these knots

and then wrap it in sandpaper and then

dip it in silly paper well put it in its own pillowcase maybe put it in its own pillowcase yeah with a little knot at the end with a little knot at the end a little knotty knot oh oh boy

Sarah J.

Keith I have to ask something that the whole audience is thinking

The two of you are engaged

and share a bed.

When you are engaged in engaged activities,

is the baby blanket in the bed?

I'm talking about kissing here.

Sure, sure, sure.

I

make sure it is out of reach.

Do you put a little?

I,

yeah.

Would you like to incorporate Mimi in?

No!

Look!

No, God, no.

People like what they like.

I'm just trying to.

Absolutely not.

I would not yuck that yum, but that is not what I'm into at the moment.

I understand.

Just wait till you see this hard shell beetle that comes

scurrying across your floor.

That's my love language.

Sure.

Your love language is triggering people's phobias?

Right now, we're working on building the world's weirdest OnlyFans.

Let's take a quick recess.

We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Do you believe, Sarah, that you would be able to successfully rest your little head and sleep, sleep soundly and have sweet dreams if Mimi were knotted up in a pillowcase?

Is it the knowledge that Mimi is there in the bed with you that's important or the feeling of Mimi against your face?

That's an excellent question.

only ask the good ones.

It's the feeling against my face.

I think only because, I mean,

as growing up, it was like always something there that was comfortable.

So it's still comfortable.

Sure.

But I'm just saying, is the compromise that even you propose going to work for you?

I can try.

Try, but it's not satisfactory to you?

That would be, that would be, you know, if that is what the judge rules, I will abide by that ruling.

Well, of course you're going to abide by my ruling.

Would that be satisfactory to me?

Sure.

I mean, the record reflect that Jay Keith said no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, if you want a solution where neither of us are satisfied, that sounds great.

Jay Keith.

Do you cohabitate currently?

Obviously you do.

This is not, you're not getting ready to move into.

Right.

You already shared

share a house and a bed and a blankie and everything else, these cats and whatever.

Did you bring anything eccentric, unusual, very personal into this living situation?

Yes.

I'll allow Sarah to answer the question.

He's a huge Batsmaru fan.

You're talking about bad, bad Batsmaru?

I am.

Now, Jesse, you, I'm going to, Jay Keith, you've been set up.

I was told about this ahead of time.

Oh, okay.

I didn't understand what it was then, and I still don't understand it.

Okay.

After it was explained to me by Jesse, can you explain, Jay Keith?

not much no oh well okay bad batsmaru is a character is a senryo character in the hello kitty family of uh characters sure and for reasons that i cannot explain i have been uh collecting items with batsmaru on it for over 20 years he is

he's a naughty penguin who's friends with hello kitty yeah yeah how many items are we talking about sarah

I mean, when I moved in, we got rid of quite a few.

Oh, really?

And there are still quite a few.

Did you get rid of of them in a burning ritual of some kind?

We sold quite a few and got, yes, got it.

How many items would you estimate now?

Ballpark figure, ballpark figure.

Are we talking about just ones that are on display currently?

Do you have a rotating

exhibition?

There are some museums.

Sounds to me like Jake's got a storage unit.

I mean,

we're in the dozens, if not.

Okay.

I was going to say like 100, 150.

100.

What are we talking about?

Figurines?

Facecloths?

Where are they displayed?

They're there.

We have primarily kept them, which, thank you,

to the bathroom.

So there's a bad, bad Batsmaru bathroom in your home.

Yes.

And you go boom, boom.

There is a Batsmaroo.

Is there a bad, bad, what?

Batsmaru.

So we call it the bathroom.

We call the bathroom the batsman.

Is there a bad, bad Batsmaroo bidet in your bad, bad Batsmaru bathroom?

No, that's one of the few things we don't have but i but i would not be opposed to getting one okay that's not i don't we're already too close to your personal lives now i'm sorry i brought anything that deals with your bum bum let's keep it to your bum bum yeah exactly

uh so uh you want you want me to order him to get rid of a couple of dozens of pieces

in return for

I don't know, I think he wants you to keep Mimi in like a

safe or like a

blankie jail?

One of those things from Ghostbusters they used to trap the ghosts.

Yeah, sure.

Very unstable.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, very unstable.

The EPA doesn't want those.

EPA is the bad guy.

I'd be happy if, like, you know, there were 12 less bots brew things.

Sure.

This is what you need to say, Jay Keith.

I am not on trial here.

Go ahead.

I am not on trial here.

Yeah, you are.

I've I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I will go into my chambers, which means kneeling behind this beautiful mahogany Masonic temple desk.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Good luck, Eddie.

Sarah, how are you feeling about your chances in the case?

About my what?

I'm sorry?

Your chances in the case.

I feel pretty good.

I feel pretty good.

I'm

mixed about how I feel about this situation,

but I'm feeling pretty good.

How are you feeling?

It's my job.

That's your show.

I'm sorry.

Jay Keith, stick to your cat podcast.

Jay Keith, how are you feeling?

I was feeling good till the whole Batsmaru stuff was mentioned.

And now it seems to be

I have to pay for this decision decision in Batsmaru item removal, which I'm not as much looking forward to.

You already knew that I was your boss at the Maximum Fund Network.

You didn't know I was doing opposition research.

I did not know about the Oppo.

Sarah, how does it feel?

Sarah, how does it change your feelings about the case to know that I have my blankie Cubby in my bed right now?

You don't.

I do.

That's where Cubby lives.

Where is her?

How could I sleep without her?

Where exactly?

Right next to my pillow, sometimes sometimes under my head, sometimes between my fingies.

The feeling is very comforting to me.

And sometimes when I take a nap, I put her over my eyes.

Same.

This is a really cute conversation, but I.

We'll see what Judge Hodgman.

I'm going to remind you that this is very uncomfortable.

We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom

and presents his verdict.

As the blood returns to my head, I've been thinking about this

case.

First of all, one question I might have asked is,

your mom, is she still living?

Yes.

And how do you think she would feel knowing that

your beloved is repulsed by her gift to you?

She'd go, yeah.

That's what she would say.

She agrees with him?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, I've really enjoyed hearing about Mimi

from you, Sarah.

And Jay Keith,

I've really enjoyed hearing you say, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

No, I couldn't help myself but make that joke.

That's not how, that's not.

exact that doesn't exactly reflect my verdict.

You know, I, uh, I brought, I had a blankie named Blankie.

Blankie came with me to college.

Blankie was in bad shape at that point.

Blankie was mostly less blankie, more whole at that point.

And

I did not have any self-consciousness about it.

But ultimately, I sent Blankie home, and I don't know where Blankie is right now, and now I wish I had Blankie.

Blankie went to live on a farm.

Blankie went to go live on the Blankie farm upstate.

And so it comes to me to decide whether or not to send Mimi to the Blankie farm

to exile in a drawer.

Do you think that Mimi has feelings?

No.

Okay, good.

No, I like that.

It's hard not to anthropomorphize things that you love, like

a Blankie or a stuffed animal or a...

particular brand of gin.

All of these become things that you trick yourself into feeling that they have feelings.

It represents something.

Yeah, but I'm glad that you don't feel that this has feelings and that you're willing, Jay Keith, you should note that Sarah is willing to put her beloved thing into a suitcase and imprison it there for your comfort.

That's a big sacrifice.

I didn't hear suitcase as an option.

Oh, I'm sorry, pillowcase is what I'm just saying.

Sarah is willing to put her beloved object into a pillowcase and knot it up and imprison it there for your comfort.

Now,

Jay Keith, I've had some fun saying I'm going to trick you by putting a beetle in your house and that sort of thing.

But your comfort is important.

Everyone's comfort in a cohabitation situation, particularly if it's one that involves hugging and kissing and sharing the same bed,

is very important.

And I am forced to believe you when you say, this makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The fact that you have to leave the room, if not the house, sometimes when this thing comes out is something that I take very seriously.

Now, of course, my recommendation to all romantic partners who live together is to not share a bed.

If it's within your means, get the largest bed possible so you have enough space to sleep, toss, and turn, and fart in.

And then you can come together when you want to.

Of course, it is well known that the best arrangement for romantic partners is to have two separate king beds

in villas that are separated by a reflecting pool, which is still an ambition for me.

I just don't want to deny Sarah her Mimi.

I'm sorry.

And I think that the sacrifice and the compromise that she suggests is not going to work for you, Sarah, ultimately.

But I think you ought to take what you can get.

I think that you need to put Mimi.

You got to put Mimi in a, better to put Mimi in a pillowcase than in a corner.

You know what I mean?

Nobody puts Mimi in a corner.

No.

And

there are pillowcases that zip up.

Do you know what I mean?

And some of them are specifically like barriers for pests and insects.

Because whatever's living in Mimi wants to come out.

Just turn it inside out.

I think

that's a big compromise.

I will order you to get rid of six of these weird penguin items.

Just Just put it in your storage unit.

Put it in your storage unit.

You know I have a storage unit?

I'll get a pillowcase.

You know what?

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Thank you, Jay Keith.

You're a good podcast person.

This is what's going to happen.

You're going to put me in a pillowcase.

Okay.

And you're going to put six of these bad penguin items in a different pillowcase.

With their sharp cornered heads.

Look, I don't know.

Maybe you can get some washcloths of someone with this character.

And you're going to sleep with them too.

And they're going to have my picture on them.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all.

Jay Keith and Sarah, thank you for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So, let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the stage at the Masonic Lodge.

at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in LA.

We've got some things going on.

Let's talk about them.

Not least of which are a strike.

Yeah, Jesse, I literally have nothing going on other than getting a chance to speak to you and all of our podcast listening friends.

I'm Judge John Hodgman once a week.

Thank you for being a member of Maximum Fun.

But all of my entertainment, writing,

and consequently acting work is on hold as the WGA, both East and West, continue to strike.

for a fair living wage and to ban artificial intelligence robots from professional entertainment.

Sorry, robots, but

we literally need to eat.

You don't.

So there you go.

And I'll just say, I was out on the picket lines today and I saw our friend Starley Kine.

Oh, hi, Starley Kine.

Television writer for Dave and Search Party, and also one of the greatest radiophonic creative minds in the biz, host of the late and lamented mystery show, which you can still listen to and should.

But Starley has since over the past couple of weeks, Starley has been shutting them down, shutting down productions.

She and her friends stayed out picketing till 2 or 3 in the morning, I believe it was, to shut down a shoot of the TV show Evil.

And they learned and they were schooled by

the Teamsters, by the crew.

They're like, you have to pick it and you have to keep picketing.

Don't walk away.

Because if you don't walk away, we won't cross your picket line.

And consequently, nothing against the show Evil,

nothing against the show Evil.

They're great producers and asif manvi is on that show but this is how we do it we are we are picketing and we are stopping productions to make it clear that we won't stop asking for basic living wage dignity and uh and humanity literal humanity in the in the entertainment process and uh i just saw starly today and it's just been so exciting so thank you for all of you who have uh echoed our message So thank you for everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in worlds in which

so thank you to everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in New York, Los Angeles, and all around the world in our listening audience.

And if you want to know what's at stake and why it matters even to you, a person who may not actually be a professional television or film writer, go to the link in my bio at Instagram.

It's the quickest way to get to the WGA Writers Strike Hub, which lays out all of the things that we're fighting for and all of the things that the studios are absolutely refusing

in the most egregious fashion.

So that's what's going on.

I'm glad to say it's going well.

I mean, we're being heard and we're being understood and we're being understood as part of a larger labor movement that is trying to

claw a little back from the gains that have been made in

And we're part of a bigger labor movement that is trying right now to claw a little back from the incredible gains gains and profits that have been made over just the past five to ten years by big companies.

You know that you know who they are, both entertainment companies and otherwise,

and get back some dignity for the worker.

So, again, entertainmentcommunity.org.

If you want to support people financially who can't work during the strike, and that includes all those workers who, in solidarity, are not crossing the picket line, the crew and the teamsters and so forth, and are not getting paid as a result.

This community fund helps them too.

And I just want to say to any members of IATSI out there or the Teamsters,

we thank you for standing in solidarity with us and helping us learn how to be better strikers because you're really, you know, we're all in this together.

And I really appreciate your help.

Well, let's get back to the stage of

the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery and Judge John Hodgman Live.

Let's bring out our next set of litigants.

Please welcome to the stage Laura and Lucas.

Our second case of the night is Tater Tort.

Laura brings the case against her husband, Lucas.

Lucas calls himself the humble son of a potato farmer.

Laura says that's wrong.

His father was actually the manager of a large potato chip company.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Potato chips.

How my mouth just drips.

Potato chips.

Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy.

Crunch, crunch.

I don't want no lunch.

All I want is potato chips.

Potato chips.

No matter where it is, you'll find a bag around.

Could even be at a bar or at a picnic.

Jesse, even a baseball ground.

Bailiff Jesse Thornton, swear them in.

Laura and Lucas, please rise.

Raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Yes, I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his 10-year campaign to be sponsored by Utz potato chips has been a total failure?

Yes, I know.

Oh my God.

You're wearing him down.

You're wearing him down.

Tom Utz, we had like, we had the Utz people on the line.

I was DMing with Tommy Utz or whoever is running the place.

And he's like, yeah, we'll definitely sponsor your podcast.

And then that dude ghosted me.

Oh, I could have had the crab chip for free.

I could have had those cheese balls for free.

And also potato chips.

Oh, by the way, are you done your thing?

I think so.

All right.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Lucas and Laura, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

It's a lyrics to a song.

Laura, why don't you go first?

Oh, it's the lyrics to a song?

Yeah, that's a name for you.

It's a song called Potato Chips.

I'll say that it's an Utz Potato Chips jingle.

Okay, that's a good guess.

You're picking up on a lot of context clues.

Lucas?

Well, you come from a long line of potato chippers.

Surely you know all the songs about potato chips that have ever been recorded in this country.

Lucas, you're chip people.

Yeah.

It wasn't the B-side.

The Beast of the Earth, huh?

Oh!

It wasn't the B-side to the Buckner and blah.

Another guy, Garcia's Pac-Man.

Pac-Man Fever.

No,

it's not arcade-themed.

It was the B-side of Disco Duck

by Rick Dees.

By Rick Dees.

Yes, I'm very old.

There's a sign for a bar near here that says Disco Duck Boogey and Cocktails.

That's true.

That's real.

I walked by there.

They're having a party in there tonight.

Oh, big time.

Go check it out.

I get nothing from them.

No sponsorship from Disco Duck.

No sponsorship from Utz.

Mess, Lucas.

You know what it is?

Well, you know.

You're a farmer.

You know what it's like to work hard, to dig in the dirt, to grow ideas, only to have them taken from you by coastal elites in Los Angeles, California.

All guesses are wrong.

That is a song called Potato Chips by Slim Gaylard,

an

incredible fun

recording artist that my friend Adam Sachs introduced me to many moons ago.

And honestly, I should have sung it.

I should have sung it instead of read it.

You wouldn't have recognized it, but it would have been more fun.

Maybe at the end of the show.

Meanwhile, Lucas and Laura, let's hear your dispute.

You're a son, you're a humble son of a potato farmer, I hear.

Yes.

Where did you do your farming?

I didn't do the farming.

Oh, right.

Your dad.

Yes, it was my father.

You're Pappy, would you say?

No, no, father.

Or dad, dad.

Yeah.

Okay.

Where did your father do his potato farming?

In a little town in Sugar Camp, Wisconsin.

Sugar Camp, Wisconsin.

This is pretty goddamn adorable so far.

Pretty good, God or whatever damn adorable.

And why, Laura, do you say that this is not true?

Well,

he uses this to introduce himself in polite conversation with

coworkers or strangers.

And that's like the first impression that people get.

of him.

And it's not, he's not the humble, he's not humble.

He is the son.

His dad is technically farmed a potato field, yes, but he didn't own the land.

He didn't own the machinery.

He was the manager of the field.

He managed like five guys.

So technically, yes, he was a potato farmer.

He managed a potato farm and a five guys?

No, no, no.

Never five.

They're famous for their potato farms.

From what I understand, there were five guys that

would only be during the busiest times of year planting.

But I figured that he was the manager of a potato chip factory or something.

No, not at all.

No, that was incorrect.

I must have

some misunderstanding.

I thought we were going to have a fun conversation about potato chips.

They were used.

Okay, so the potatoes were used for a very big large potato chip conglomerate.

Yes.

Which one?

The big one.

Should we say?

Not Utz.

Let's just say.

Look, tell me what's going on.

Let's just say he worked for a certain granny goose.

I don't know all the big potato chip conglomerates.

I'm just a simple fan of Utz potato chips, a regional brand started by a family that doesn't return my phone calls.

Maybe, sir, what's the big one?

You can tell me what's the big one.

I'm from Frito-A, which I think is owned by Pepsi, which is owned by Yum Brands.

Right, of course.

Yeah, well, you sure do know your farming.

Why do you introduce yourself as, I mean, literally, I'm a humble son of a potato farmer.

Yeah, so that started sort of as a joke.

Okay.

Because it was probably some election season.

It was some election season somewhere, and you know how politicians always like to do the, I'm a

son of a diamond miner, even though the asshole owns the whole diamond or emerald mine and is a billionaire.

Are you referring to someone?

Maybe.

Wait.

Were you suggesting that Diamond Miner is a folksy profession?

That was your poll for folksy profession?

I get it.

The lights are hot up here, but

you're the one in the mine.

Maybe you can get yourself a bunch of people.

They don't call them blood diamonds for nothing.

I think he was making an oblique reference to a certain owner of a certain social media platform and a guy who makes the jankiest cars on earth.

Oh, yes.

Sorry.

Well, sorry I didn't get it.

So you started as a joke

in election season.

Yes.

And also it had the side benefit of annoying Laura.

Oh, always, yes, of course.

Right.

And

how often does this happen?

Oh, these days it's far fewer.

Because everybody now knows me as the humble son of a potato farmer.

Your reputation proceeds.

Yes, exactly.

Laura, is it the case that this habit has dwindled?

Oh, yes.

Ever since he started working from home and there's less and less new co-workers,

which is sad, but.

Yeah, but he could be going into chat rooms and saying it.

That's true.

He could.

He could if he would stop working sometimes.

Laura, why does it bother you?

Well, originally, it's because I didn't.

When I met Lucas, which was like 20 years ago,

His dad was not a farmer.

He was not,

he was like the manager of a,

was it a senior living facility, right?

And then, so it was not, it didn't occur, like, it was not a thing when I knew him.

And then when his coworkers came up to me, I was like, is he really the son of a potato farmer?

I was like, no, no, no, he's just telling you.

So he doesn't explain it later?

No.

He just.

But you, so you laugh at it privately?

It's not a joke.

You don't explain it.

You get the laugh?

Everyone understands his reference to Lamar Alexander at the iowa straw poll or whatever

i have to explain is the thing i'm the one who has to explain to his coworkers that he's not really you have to do inclined to his setup yeah and it's like i don't want to do it i don't like it he's to me he's not a potato farmer although like technically he is you know because he he was but

uh It just annoys me.

Also, he says the humble, the humble son.

Totally lies.

It annoys you.

I like the idea of

people knowing what his dad does for a living, and then you go to them, which was managing a senior care center, and

then, sorry, this is a little roundabout.

Getting convicted.

It's the last time the tour.

I don't know English anymore.

I apologize.

I like the idea of you going to people saying,

them saying, is his dad really a potato farmer?

And you thinking, is that how his dad describes taking care of senior cells?

He's got to give the jell-o to the potatoes.

Turn on the wheel of fortune for the old potatoes.

One of the taters is acting up again.

Turn off the lights, they like the dark.

Tater's crying because he's remembering the war.

Oh my gosh.

Some of these stators' kids don't visit them.

Well, I would say that your father was involved in two valuable professions,

taking care of elderly people and making potatoes that I enjoy eating.

But what the hell do you do as his son?

Are you running for office?

Not yet.

Not yet.

No, but no, I'm saving that in my back pocket

for later.

Okay, good.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a software engineer.

A software engineer.

Yes.

So this is just a joke, right?

It's also like a sort of, it's not, the humble son, yes.

The humble part is definitely a joke.

The potato farmer part is just a way for

when I'm introduced to various California coworkers to be like,

I come from a very rural area, I guess.

And is that true?

That is 100% true.

Have you visited, what's it called?

Sugar Camp.

Sugar mouse.

Yeah.

West Wisconsin or whatever it is.

Sugar Camp.

Yes.

Wisconsin.

Yeah, I thought I was from a small town, but his town beat my small town.

It's way smaller.

Is it important to you to feel a connection to your rural growing up?

Did you have a rural growing up?

Oh, definitely.

Yeah, I was there the whole time until college.

Yeah.

What kind of, would you go fishing?

There was a little bit of fishing.

Okay.

Tiny bit of hunting.

What was it like in Sugar Camp?

Tell me all about it.

I think we just summed it all up.

A lot of trees.

Yeah, I would think that there is probably some

maple syrup making going on.

There is definitely, yes, that's how it got its name, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

You chase a hoop with a stick?

You didn't make any paple syrup, though.

Did you?

When the potato crops, you know, every year, when do the potato crops come in?

It'd be the fall.

In the fall.

So in order to ensure a good harvest, would you have a lottery?

You want to wait for an island of the blue dolphin joke next?

Is it that kind of rural community?

No.

Why is it important for you to maintain this connection to rural roots and even play them up with some folksy language?

Just a sort of to remember, I guess.

Would you ever move back there?

Hell no.

You don't have any standing here, do you, Flora?

I mean, mean, you're just annoyed by your husband's joke.

Husband, right?

Yes.

You're just annoyed by your husband's joke.

Oh, yeah, a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't have any standing.

I'm not a farmer.

I know farmers, and I know, like, to say that you're the humble son of a potato farmer, like, connotes a certain lifestyle growing up, you know, waking up with the chickens or whatever.

You said you mentioned that you knew some farmers, Laura.

Oh, yes.

So I grew up in also a small town, not as small as Lucas's.

Where was that be, if I may ask?

Oh, it's called Caro, Michigan.

Our graduating class was like 150.

His graduated class was 60.

Right, that's quite small.

It was multiple towns to make up to talk about your town anymore.

So,

like.

Where is Caro, Michigan?

Is that Upper Peninsula or Lower Peninsula?

In the thumb.

In the thumb?

Do you ever go to a Great Lake?

Oh, yeah.

Which one do you like to go to Lake Michigan?

Well, I mean, we used to go to Lake Huron, and then the water level started going down.

So now you have to walk like, I don't know, 100 yards to get to where the water is.

Boy, that's

really sad.

That's not fun to hear about.

No, it's sad.

But we both went to college in the Upper Peninsula, so we used to go to Lake Superior and stuff like that.

Did you major in leaving pies to cool on windowsills?

Yes.

Yes, pasties.

Pasties, that's right.

That's a mission.

What is a pasty?

I've read about them.

A pasty is, well, actually, Lucas is the expert on pasties.

I I am quoted on Wikipedia for my pasty presentation in college, yes.

Say that again.

Say that again into the microphone.

My name is mentioned in Wikipedia as a reference because of a

presentation I created in college that had to do with the pasty.

When you meet someone new, lead with that.

Yeah, right?

That's much better.

You don't need this confusing ass potato thing.

Jordan, I love you.

I'm really glad you're here.

I love you too.

But in the future.

Guys, I love you.

No love.

In the future.

Sorry.

Don't fing steal my verdict.

I have not seen the verdicts ahead of time.

But you got there first.

Rule of comedy.

Of course, I was forced to wait.

I was going to have to kneel behind that dumb desk and

pretend that I didn't know exactly what I was going to say.

Now I'm going to have to come up with something else.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Sorry, Daddy.

I'll give you a bag full of my teeth.

No, no!

Ouch!

Now they like it.

I know.

I know.

Before I make my verdict.

Jordan, do you have any other questions that you want to ask or Jesse?

I don't know.

I don't really have a specific specific question.

I guess my question is to find out which of you two is a real farmer.

And so I guess I want to know whether you drink buttermilk for breakfast.

Like a real farmer does.

Yeah.

And on this stage, it's farmerson.com.

Backsplash, pies.

Let me ask you this question in your rural communities.

What did you call pancakes?

Johnny cakes, flatjacks, flatbreads, sweet rounds, mummy, mummies,

just pancakes.

Just pancakes, yeah, pancakes.

All right.

Breakfast roundies.

Laura, are you offended on behalf of the farmers that you

well, yeah, yeah, I kind of am because I know farming families.

Like, I have friends that I grew up with because I grew up in Carroll.

I've heard a lot about it.

Yeah, sorry.

And it's like they, they,

everyone was like involved with the harvest, like the whole family, and they, you know, would, they know when the,

when beans are planted and how to tell when it's ready to harvest them.

Like, you don't know when to harvest potatoes.

Oh, I didn't claim I was a farmer, though.

Yeah, that's true.

It's just the humble son of a potato farmer.

But, like,

my friends are not farmers now.

Or, well, one of them is.

One of them was.

She's never not going to be a farmer.

It offends.

Yeah, I'm the farmer Lorax.

I speak for the farmers.

There we go.

All right, I've heard everything I need to.

I'm going to make my decision.

I'm going to descend into my chambers.

I'll be back in a moment, but my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Lucas, having heard the verdict earlier, how are you feeling about your tension office?

Wowie-zowie.

Laura, how do you feel?

Slightly better than I did earlier because he had come up with a thing that he wanted me to do.

I might probably, I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Shoot.

That if he won, he wanted me to wear like a t-shirt that said the humble son.

No, the humble son.

No,

a wife of the humble son of a potato farmer.

And I was like, I don't want to wear that.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I know.

I know.

That's why I shouldn't have mentioned it.

No, that's okay.

It was written down here.

I could have done my job.

Lucas,

you want, if I rule in her favor, you want me to make her wear a shirt that says, a wife of the humble

potatoes?

Not a wife.

No.

What the hell is going on in sugar can discounce?

Just wife of the sun.

There's no plan.

How many wives does a man need?

No, no, no.

Z, one, just one.

To usher elderly people into death.

Oh, my God.

No, I'll restate that.

How many wives does a man need to raise a spud in sugar can?

Just one.

Just one.

Okay, interesting.

I'm still down here thinking.

Jesse, you want to ask any more questions?

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and delivers his verdict.

Laura Lucas, I've given a lot of thought.

Do the thing Jordan said.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I mean,

it's a genuine brag.

You are quoted on the Wikipedia page for pasties, I presume.

Yes, yeah.

That's a great brag.

That's a great conversation.

You know, the best conversation starter there is.

What did you do today?

Because everyone did something.

It's a lot better than saying, how are you?

It's not a joke.

It's just true.

Try it out.

You're going to see.

Suddenly it's going to be okay to talk to people.

The 99.9% of our audience who say, I'm an introvert, introvert, suddenly you're going to realize it's fine.

Just ask people, what did you do today?

And all of a sudden they got a story to tell.

And then you also got a real brag.

You got a real brag.

A humble son of a potato farmer is a funny thing to say when people are aware that you're making a joke.

But it is, it does kind of make fun of your dad.

Not to make fun of farmers?

Not cool.

And also, it's not meant sincerely.

You're a real brag.

You're quoted on a Wikipedia page about pasties.

Then people are going to to say, what's a pasty?

And I don't blame them because I don't even know.

What is it?

Oh, it's this meat pie that has potatoes and onions inside.

You came over from Cornwall.

Brutabegas.

Okay.

Now, see how we're getting to know each other?

Like,

I want to know you now, but if you said, do the thing that you used to do.

Humble through the line.

Hey, my name's Sean Hodgman.

How are you?

Oh, I'm Lucas, the humble son of a potato farmer.

What is wrong with you?

I don't get what this guy's up to.

He's playing some kind of weird mind game with me, and I don't want to get to know him better.

I wonder his wife seems nice.

I bet she's probably from Michigan.

I'll talk to her instead.

I wasn't into the joke until I heard his delivery.

I mean, it's all in the delivery.

In any case, I rule in favor of Laura.

This is the sound of a gabble.

Joe Town Hosman Laura's other fine.

That's it for this week's episode.

Thank you to our litigants who joined us on stage at the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

Thanks to the folks at the lodge who were wonderful and gracious hosts.

A very special thank you to my friend and yours, John, Mr.

Jordan Morris.

Jordan Morris, co-host of Shootin' the Breeze, Jordan's and my somewhat annual podcast about cheese.

By the time you're hearing this, we will have recorded our big settling of all your cheese beefs for this year's Shoot in the Breeze.

So look for it in your members only section of your maximumfund.org membership.

It'll show up in the bonus content feed soon.

And even if you're not already a member of Maximum Fun, anyone can listen to Jordan Jesse Go, the show where Jordan and I

do, there's no premise to the show.

It's one awards.

I promise.

People like it.

It's a funny show.

It's the most meaningless show that exists, but it's very funny.

Evidence and photos from this show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

Follow us there.

Join the conversation about this week's episode on the Maximum Fun subreddit over at maximumfund.reddit.com.

Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode recorded by Matthew Barnard and produced by Valerie Moffat, Richard Roby, and Jennifer Marmer.

Our thank you to all of them.

Richard was on the road with us.

So, so grateful to have his help.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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