Live from Los Angeles

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
This week's episode recorded live at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure the listeners understand this, so I'm just going to say it again. This was recorded in a Masonic Lodge in the middle of a Hollywood cemetery.

Speaker 1 Like the most famous Sarah Cemetery in all of Southern California. Hasn't it a Masonic Lodge?

Speaker 2 Sure. Why wouldn't it?

Speaker 5 Of course.

Speaker 1 With thrones and all, as they say.

Speaker 2 Thrones and all.

Speaker 2 And in addition to the throne, a very special guest. I don't know if you've ever heard of this person, Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris.

Speaker 1 That's my co-host from the Smash Hit podcast, Jordan Jesse Go.

Speaker 1 And folks might know him from Good Mythical Morning, where he is, among other things, Cotton Candy Randy, which I know is your special interest, John.

Speaker 2 I am obsessed with Cotton Candy Randy, Jordan Morris' character on Good Mythical Morning. If you know what I'm talking about, as they say on the internet, you know what I'm talking about.
But

Speaker 8 why don't we get to the show?

Speaker 1 Let's go to the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

Speaker 9 Los Angeles, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we're here at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery to deliver it. Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Speaker 7 Please welcome Jay Keith and Sarah.

Speaker 9 Tonight's case, Linus Item Vito. Jay Keith brings the case against his fiancée, Sarah.
Sarah still sleeps with the tattered remains of her baby blanket.

Speaker 12 Jay Keith finds it upsetting to see and touch.

Speaker 13 He calls it the monster.

Speaker 7 He wants it out of their bed.

Speaker 9 Sarah wants to keep sleeping with it.

Speaker 15 Who's right? Who's wrong?

Speaker 9 Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Speaker 8 I was very much in my room with my marionette stage, you know, creating these incredibly boring things that I felt were so fascinating and forcing my relatives to come and charging money for them to see my little productions.

Speaker 22 If anyone would have been paying serious attention to my puppet shows, I would have been sent to therapy very young.

Speaker 8 Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in.

Speaker 9 Jay Keith and Sarah, please rise. Raise your right hands.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever.

Speaker 26 I do. I do.

Speaker 9 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he skipped childhood entirely?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 9 Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Speaker 22 Let the records show that Jay Keith waved at me and smiled.

Speaker 23 Indicating, Sarah, I'm sorry to say that Jay Keith and I have met before.

Speaker 31 Yes, we have worked together before, and he is currently trying to use that connection to influence this court.

Speaker 17 I will not recuse myself, Jay Keith.

Speaker 10 I was trying to be nice.

Speaker 12 Well, stop it right now.

Speaker 35 The niceness ends here.

Speaker 8 Sarah, it's very nice to meet you.

Speaker 29 Jay Keith, it's nice to see you.

Speaker 8 Let the record show that I am now smiling and waving to you.

Speaker 8 Hi, Jesse.

Speaker 9 They're definitely Masons.

Speaker 37 That's what's going on here.

Speaker 38 So, you are, of course, the host of Go Fact Yourself on Maximum Fun. Thank you.

Speaker 14 You guys, thank you.

Speaker 39 Who canceled tonight?

Speaker 26 What's that? I said, who canceled tonight?

Speaker 27 Paul Rudd.

Speaker 27 No way.

Speaker 43 Sarah, what podcast do you host?

Speaker 5 I mean, you live in Los Angeles, right? Sure.

Speaker 6 No, sure.

Speaker 35 I host a podcast about

Speaker 35 our kitty cats that

Speaker 35 I was a dog person, but now I'm a cat person.

Speaker 4 Is that so?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 43 But do you host a podcast about that?

Speaker 25 No.

Speaker 17 Do not lie to me, madam. Do not lie.

Speaker 4 Just answer truthfully.

Speaker 7 It'll go much

Speaker 26 easier for you.

Speaker 29 It says here you met at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Speaker 15 We did. We did.

Speaker 18 How did that come about?

Speaker 12 Just dancing on some graves.

Speaker 35 And we we locked eyes.

Speaker 35 It was a movie screening

Speaker 35 that they do in the summer.

Speaker 14 They do in the summer, right?

Speaker 35 Moulin Rouge, and he was a couple blankets down.

Speaker 9 And he said to you,

Speaker 35 and I said, avec moi.

Speaker 8 Well, Trébianne.

Speaker 12 Jay, Keith and Sarah, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Speaker 48 Can you name the piece of culture that I referenced when I entered the courtroom?

Speaker 23 Sarah, what's your guess?

Speaker 35 Amelia Bedelia.

Speaker 49 Amelia Bedelia.

Speaker 50 Okay, Jay Keith, I'll put that down.

Speaker 46 Is it from that?

Speaker 48 Is it from, well, we'll find out.

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean, that's what we're doing here.

Speaker 28 This is like a trivia question, Jay Keith.

Speaker 21 You ever have

Speaker 12 any experience with trivia questions?

Speaker 52 Well, I do.

Speaker 39 As you and Jesse know, I do a podcast.

Speaker 34 Just to answer.

Speaker 10 Sorry, I was buzz marketing.

Speaker 10 Yes, what was the question? Yes, I am familiar with trivia. And then what was the next question?

Speaker 26 What do you think about the culture?

Speaker 26 Who was I quoting?

Speaker 10 I believe I'm going to say David Sederis.

Speaker 32 David Sederis.

Speaker 8 All guesses are wrong, but I'm going to give you, since you host trivia game, Go Fact Yourself with Helen Hong on the Max Fun Network,

Speaker 8 I'll give you an opportunity to answer via trivia question.

Speaker 5 Oh, okay.

Speaker 14 This is for either one of you.

Speaker 8 The first who thinks they know the answer, buzz in by saying their name.

Speaker 31 The person I was quoting played Francois Truffaut's interpreter in a movie called Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Speaker 8 Does anyone in the audience know it? If so, say your name.

Speaker 13 Martin and Lewis?

Speaker 13 Wait a minute.

Speaker 53 Are you ghosts?

Speaker 14 Are your bodies buried here?

Speaker 18 Martin and Lewis say it at the same time on the count of three. One, two, three.

Speaker 17 Bob Balaban is correct.

Speaker 10 Very nice.

Speaker 12 And why did I quote Bob Balaban in this case that is on the subject of a blankie, a security blanket?

Speaker 18 Why did I quote Bob Balaban, trivia master Jay Keith?

Speaker 10 I Google the questions and the answers that we write.

Speaker 14 Oh, I see. Yeah,

Speaker 14 I don't actually know everything. I don't mean to put you on the spot like that.

Speaker 19 Does anyone know, anyone have a guess?

Speaker 18 Bob Balaban originated the role of Linus in your good man Charlie Brown in the office

Speaker 13 production.

Speaker 10 I played Schroeder in my college production.

Speaker 18 Oh, Oh, so you must know him then.

Speaker 10 Yes, all of the casts in amateur productions hang out with the original Broadway cast.

Speaker 8 Tell me about this blankie that you have, Sarah, or what's left of your blankie.

Speaker 55 Sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 14 Do you mind if I call it a blankie?

Speaker 49 Because that's what I called my blankie.

Speaker 35 No, I think you should.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 41 Does it have a name?

Speaker 31 Does it have a different name, like Softy?

Speaker 35 I was debating whether or not to say what the name was.

Speaker 31 Oh, I've settled that debate.

Speaker 15 In the affirmative.

Speaker 35 It started out as a Mimi.

Speaker 22 Mimi.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 35 And now,

Speaker 35 I mean, is that embarrassing? No. No, no.
Only, you know, when people are around. But then it became just the baby blanket.
And it was a piece.

Speaker 35 Is it still

Speaker 12 fabric?

Speaker 14 Well, you did send in a photo of the blanket formerly known as Mimi.

Speaker 12 Oh, my God. Can we see that photo now?

Speaker 33 I'm going going to do it at Family Food Style.

Speaker 35 Show me Mimi. Oh, my.

Speaker 15 What we're seeing here, just for the at-home.

Speaker 55 I didn't think it'd be so funny.

Speaker 16 I thought people would be more like, oh, that poor girl.

Speaker 9 What we're seeing here for the at-home listener

Speaker 9 is

Speaker 9 what's left over after the invisible man goes to the podiatrist.

Speaker 33 I was going to say something something that fell off an extra in the Mandalorian.

Speaker 14 It's very.

Speaker 56 Mimi's not looking so hot.

Speaker 14 Mimi's pretty shredded up.

Speaker 35 Listen, Mimi

Speaker 35 is

Speaker 35 like 45 years old. It was

Speaker 35 a piece of green flannel that was cut out of the nightgown that my mom wore. when she was pregnant with my brother.

Speaker 27 Oh.

Speaker 35 And so.

Speaker 13 So it has real sentimental value.

Speaker 35 It does.

Speaker 15 It really does.

Speaker 27 It's not just one of these bullroar blankets that you get.

Speaker 35 No, no, no. I mean, when I was 18, did my mom make me a new one? Just in case she did? Right.

Speaker 35 And she took a little piece of this one and put it in the corner as like a joke. It's somewhere, just as like a backup.

Speaker 57 But.

Speaker 9 Wait, I have to ask you, you said that this was a piece of the nightgown that your mom wore when she was pregnant with your brother? Yes.

Speaker 9 Is this like when you get a a second dog and you like rub a blanket on the new dog and have the old dog smell it?

Speaker 17 She hosts a cat podcast, Jesse.

Speaker 39 Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 12 She hosts an imaginary cat podcast.

Speaker 13 She doesn't know that trick.

Speaker 18 Jay Keith, why do you hate this blankie so much?

Speaker 5 Well, you know what?

Speaker 4 I'll rephrase.

Speaker 18 Why do you hate Sarah's beloved Mimi so much?

Speaker 36 Oh my God.

Speaker 10 Well, first, I want to stipulate: I have no judgment about her having this blanket, about her wanting and loving this blanket, about needing this blanket to sleep. This is not an argument about that.

Speaker 10 This is a dispute about the blanket itself.

Speaker 14 And I really don't feel I have to say anything else, frankly, just looking at the photo.

Speaker 10 I find it jarring to look at.

Speaker 10 I find it jarring to touch, which I do by accident sometimes

Speaker 10 in the same bed.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I just find it.

Speaker 35 It's as if he steps on a Lego when he touches it on accident.

Speaker 39 Yeah, no, it is a disruption when I accidentally touch it.

Speaker 10 It's not just, ooh, what's that?

Speaker 10 It interrupts any kind of serenity that I might have accumulated at bedtime, which is a particularly sensitive time when one would want serenity.

Speaker 19 What sort of noise does he make when he accidentally touches Mimi?

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 51 that is not far off.

Speaker 5 All right, that's fair.

Speaker 10 I also have been known to leave the room.

Speaker 35 And listen,

Speaker 35 I get that. I mean, growing up, my parents would be like what are you going to do like if you get married and we're engaged for now what are you going to do yeah and

Speaker 35 i said they will just have to learn like you know to deal with it it's because it's wedged here and it holds my head up and it's so comfortable especially when it's cold you still you still you still sleep with mimi wedged up on the side of your face usually when he leaves.

Speaker 35 Otherwise, it's just under the pillow.

Speaker 3 Any moment that he leaves during the day, you'll just run right over and kick, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God.

Speaker 14 Oh, thank you, Mimi. Sometimes.

Speaker 49 No.

Speaker 10 No, to be fair, one of her initial solutions had been to keep it within her pillowcase. But we all know a pillowcase is not a secure Mimi holding device.

Speaker 39 I mean, it's going to,

Speaker 4 there's very often slippage.

Speaker 13 I was going to ask, it's not sentient, is it?

Speaker 27 It's not crawling around.

Speaker 10 Not exactly, but it definitely seems to have a life of its own.

Speaker 8 But as you pointed out, Sarah, it does have sentimental value.

Speaker 30 It has history.

Speaker 31 You have a piece of evidence that displays this history.

Speaker 49 May we look at that now?

Speaker 35 What else do you have?

Speaker 36 Oh, yes.

Speaker 14 You know what? You're right.

Speaker 6 What else do I have?

Speaker 12 Jesus fing Christ.

Speaker 17 I just show slides and talk to people on stage.

Speaker 34 Oh, my God.

Speaker 17 You know, the end of the tour, I thought it was going well, but now I see what I'm doing, Jesse.

Speaker 30 No, it's going so well.

Speaker 8 You know, I used to do comedy on television.

Speaker 27 I used to have an act.

Speaker 23 I wrote books and things, and now I'm talking about a baby blankie.

Speaker 9 John, I host NPR's least popular program.

Speaker 8 The only thing that's going to get me out of this soul hole, honestly, is if I turn around and see something very adorable.

Speaker 12 So fingers crossed.

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 16 look at that.

Speaker 49 That's a historical photo, a real one, not one that Jesse's friend from college made.

Speaker 33 What are we seeing?

Speaker 49 Say to the listeners at home what we're seeing here.

Speaker 35 Sure, sure. So, this is a little bitty baby, Sarah.

Speaker 5 That's you. That's me.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 35 You're cute. You know, I was probably like, you know, three or something.
Right. And that's the original Mimi

Speaker 35 when it was two sides of flannel.

Speaker 19 You saying it only has one side now?

Speaker 41 There are no sides.

Speaker 13 This is a Mobius.

Speaker 35 It is now just strings and knots. Right.
And who's that? Who's that? And that's my mom.

Speaker 8 With you, someone who works at the airport?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 9 I'm pretty sure that's a stock photography model from a bank advertisement in 2005.

Speaker 1 It's always wearing those giant headphones.

Speaker 14 Oh, okay.

Speaker 8 No, that's who is that, really?

Speaker 38 That's my mom. That's your mom.

Speaker 19 And you're

Speaker 25 very cozy there.

Speaker 8 Are you not moved by this scene, Jake's?

Speaker 10 Oh, I think it's a lovely scene. I would be happy to have this photo in bed.

Speaker 35 I mean I don't want that

Speaker 10 Jay Keith are you opposed to sleeping with comfort objects in bed not at all not at all no I have no problem if this were uh if it were yeah if it were a teddy bear

Speaker 10 do you have a teddy bear I don't think that's what this case is about do you have a

Speaker 14 still I'll allow it yeah yeah I know I do not I do not I do not have a I do not have a

Speaker 10 comfort that you sleep with you don't have a comfort animal I have we have two actual animals Oh, right.

Speaker 52 Two cats.

Speaker 56 Two cats. How do they feel about Mimi?

Speaker 35 I don't know if they've ever met because I really try to keep

Speaker 35 Mimi

Speaker 35 away from everybody.

Speaker 10 Knowing one of our cats, I think it would lead to disaster.

Speaker 5 It would.

Speaker 8 Jay Keith, do you have a sleep with like a body pillow?

Speaker 18 No. With a picture of me on it or something?

Speaker 40 Not anymore. Okay.

Speaker 8 I mean, well, I guess I'm asking is, would you if they were available on the Max Fun store?

Speaker 10 I mean, if it helps the network, sure.

Speaker 14 Sure.

Speaker 12 Okay, I'm just doing some market research.

Speaker 60 That's all.

Speaker 10 Yeah, and to be clear, like, I totally get about, you know, sleep is difficult and it's challenging and whatever you can do to make yourself sleep better. I totally get that.
I'm not.

Speaker 8 I don't want to deny that to your fiancé.

Speaker 10 It's this particular object in this particular condition that I'm sorry.

Speaker 48 And Sarah, again, you sleep with Mimi sort of under your, sort of, are you a side sleeper?

Speaker 35 I, I, like, if I'm on my back, then I, like it just like wedges my head right here. Otherwise, it's like, how do you all do it? Your head just like falls to the side.

Speaker 35 There's nothing there to sort of like hold it up. So

Speaker 26 would you say a scrap of cloth is your primary source of personal and emotional support?

Speaker 35 Sometimes I use a shirt.

Speaker 14 Well, how does Mimi feel about that?

Speaker 6 Probably not great.

Speaker 34 And why is Mimi no longer Mimi?

Speaker 26 Was it ever

Speaker 8 a personality or was it always an it?

Speaker 35 No, it was a bit of a tight.

Speaker 49 We can take the slide down, please, by by the way, and bring the lights back up.

Speaker 35 It was always an it. I think it started probably in high school or college.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 35 And it just became a baby blanket

Speaker 35 that would just sort of live in my pillowcase. But somebody took it once and put it in my dorm trash can.

Speaker 7 Whoa.

Speaker 8 And what happened?

Speaker 25 Murder?

Speaker 35 I can't say.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 18 So, but you recovered it from the trash, and now it's in your bed.

Speaker 47 That's also very comforting to think about.

Speaker 9 Yeah, looking at the photograph, I was a little concerned that the adjective that would best describe this blanket is crispy.

Speaker 35 It's not crispy at all.

Speaker 35 It's naughty.

Speaker 5 No. No, not.

Speaker 55 It's full of knots.

Speaker 10 K-N-O-T-T-Y, not the other one.

Speaker 35 It's just, it's full of knots everywhere.

Speaker 26 There are no accidents in this.

Speaker 56 You might be right.

Speaker 10 You might be right, Dr. Hodgman.

Speaker 9 We know she's a nasty freak.

Speaker 35 I untangle it like once a week.

Speaker 8 You untangle Mimi once a week? And what's the cleaning procedure?

Speaker 13 Does Mimi stink?

Speaker 44 No.

Speaker 14 All right. How do you clean Mimi?

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 35 I will hand wash Mimi. Okay.

Speaker 35 Because I think it will deteriorate.

Speaker 41 Well, it will.

Speaker 53 And what are you doing when she hand washes Mimi?

Speaker 62 Vomiting someplace?

Speaker 10 I have not been privy to that. As far as I know, it has not been cleaned since we've been together.

Speaker 55 It has. Okay.

Speaker 39 That makes it kind of worse because you can't truly tell.

Speaker 8 Sarah jumped in very quickly on the odor question.

Speaker 29 So I'm going to ask you, Jake, does Mimi have a smell?

Speaker 10 To be honest, I would never get that close.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I would never get that close.

Speaker 14 You're exactly right.

Speaker 32 What is it that disturbs you about Mimi so much?

Speaker 10 There's the twist.

Speaker 8 Because this sounds a little bit like the repulsion I feel when I think about underwater robots.

Speaker 25 Underwater rodents.

Speaker 14 Yeah, I have a phobia of otter rodents.

Speaker 9 Like in the submarine ride at Disneyland?

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14 You know how they're those.

Speaker 48 You know how there are those animatronic mermaids and mermen down there, just like constantly waving?

Speaker 56 And I could fall into that lagoon at any time.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 8 I'm worried about it right now.

Speaker 53 I'm closer than I've been in years

Speaker 3 to falling into that oily water and knowing that they're down there going like this.

Speaker 34 Right.

Speaker 14 Right.

Speaker 12 And it literally freaks me out. Yeah.

Speaker 14 I honestly,

Speaker 14 I'm losing blood in my head right now. Right.

Speaker 3 I'm going to lean on this thing.

Speaker 8 It's called submechanophobia.

Speaker 3 It's in the books.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay. Well,

Speaker 51 maybe I have that.

Speaker 17 Well, do you have that kind of reaction to this?

Speaker 39 I think so.

Speaker 10 It is not.

Speaker 10 There's definitely a big part of my reaction that is not logical. It is purely visceral.
It is purely

Speaker 10 some sort of trauma is triggered in me by touching and/or seeing it.

Speaker 8 Well, how do you feel on your tummy tum?

Speaker 51 My tummy tum feels boom-boom.

Speaker 17 My tummy tum feels boom-boom.

Speaker 41 Your honor.

Speaker 53 Oh, no, that's me. I'm the judge.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I do have a bit of the same kind of visceral reaction, like if I were to see

Speaker 10 a hard-shelled insect scurry across the floor suddenly. Like, I have a little bit of that kind of panic jump reaction.

Speaker 39 And yet, it is in the place where I would like to

Speaker 62 make a note that I need to get a hard-shell insect to scurry across Jake Heath's floor.

Speaker 14 No, please don't do that.

Speaker 18 No, no, it's going to be great.

Speaker 25 It's going to be fun.

Speaker 49 You're going to love it.

Speaker 19 Keep you on your toes.

Speaker 21 What would you have me order if I were to order in your favor, Jake?

Speaker 63 Destroy this blanket?

Speaker 5 No, no, God, no, no, no.

Speaker 10 I'm a sentimental person. I keep a lot of things.
I understand.

Speaker 27 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 8 I'm not just saying toss it in the garbage like you're like a roommate in a colonic storm.

Speaker 14 No, you're here.

Speaker 13 I mean, destroy it in a very sentimental burning ritual or

Speaker 9 Viking funeral type situation.

Speaker 14 Yeah, exactly. Send it off.

Speaker 12 I have no desire into the lake in MacArthur Park or something.

Speaker 34 I don't know.

Speaker 10 I have no desire for her to get rid of it. I would like to have it not not be in the bed.

Speaker 18 Not in the bed.

Speaker 10 Not in the bed.

Speaker 35 Sarah is. Which I also understand.

Speaker 41 Good.

Speaker 41 But refuse.

Speaker 8 Which is fair. You can understand and still say, no, I need to have it in the bed.

Speaker 26 That's what you would have me rule, right?

Speaker 35 Yeah. I mean, I'm open to compromise.

Speaker 18 What compromise would you be open to?

Speaker 35 Like to put it in like a mesh laundry bag or something so that like he wouldn't feel the

Speaker 12 strings we're already having texture issues

Speaker 12 like I'm not sure adding mesh to these knots

Speaker 12 and then wrap it in sandpaper and then

Speaker 57 dip it in silly paper well put it in its own pillowcase maybe put it in its own pillowcase yeah with a little knot at the end with a little knot at the end a little knotty knot oh oh boy

Speaker 32 Sarah J.

Speaker 9 Keith I have to ask something that the whole audience is thinking

Speaker 9 The two of you are engaged

Speaker 9 and share a bed.

Speaker 9 When you are engaged in engaged activities,

Speaker 9 is the baby blanket in the bed? I'm talking about kissing here.

Speaker 6 Sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 35 I

Speaker 35 make sure it is out of reach.

Speaker 26 Do you put a little?

Speaker 26 I,

Speaker 21 yeah. Would you like to incorporate Mimi in?

Speaker 5 No!

Speaker 60 Look! No, God, no.

Speaker 56 People like what they like.

Speaker 12 I'm just trying to.

Speaker 51 Absolutely not.

Speaker 10 I would not yuck that yum, but that is not what I'm into at the moment.

Speaker 54 I understand. Just wait till you see this hard shell beetle that comes

Speaker 13 scurrying across your floor.

Speaker 49 That's my love language.

Speaker 27 Sure.

Speaker 21 Your love language is triggering people's phobias?

Speaker 9 Right now, we're working on building the world's weirdest OnlyFans.

Speaker 1 Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 12 Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 64 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Speaker 67 If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

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Speaker 56 Do you believe, Sarah, that you would be able to successfully rest your little head and sleep, sleep soundly and have sweet dreams if Mimi were knotted up in a pillowcase?

Speaker 29 Is it the knowledge that Mimi is there in the bed with you that's important or the feeling of Mimi against your face?

Speaker 35 That's an excellent question.

Speaker 49 only ask the good ones.

Speaker 35 It's the feeling against my face. I think only because, I mean,

Speaker 35 as growing up, it was like always something there that was comfortable. So it's still comfortable.

Speaker 25 Sure.

Speaker 56 But I'm just saying, is the compromise that even you propose going to work for you?

Speaker 35 I can try.

Speaker 59 Try, but it's not satisfactory to you?

Speaker 21 That would be, that would be, you know, if that is what the judge rules, I will abide by that ruling.

Speaker 12 Well, of course you're going to abide by my ruling.

Speaker 10 Would that be satisfactory to me?

Speaker 39 Sure.

Speaker 9 I mean, the record reflect that Jay Keith said no.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 51 No, no, if you want a solution where neither of us are satisfied, that sounds great.

Speaker 60 Jay Keith.

Speaker 21 Do you cohabitate currently?

Speaker 14 Obviously you do.

Speaker 18 This is not, you're not getting ready to move into.

Speaker 21 Right.

Speaker 27 You already shared

Speaker 18 share a house and a bed and a blankie and everything else, these cats and whatever.

Speaker 12 Did you bring anything eccentric, unusual, very personal into this living situation? Yes.

Speaker 8 I'll allow Sarah to answer the question.

Speaker 35 He's a huge Batsmaru fan.

Speaker 9 You're talking about bad, bad Batsmaru?

Speaker 6 I am.

Speaker 31 Now, Jesse, you, I'm going to, Jay Keith, you've been set up.

Speaker 25 I was told about this ahead of time.

Speaker 14 Oh, okay.

Speaker 18 I didn't understand what it was then, and I still don't understand it.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 8 After it was explained to me by Jesse, can you explain, Jay Keith?

Speaker 10 not much no oh well okay bad batsmaru is a character is a senryo character in the hello kitty family of uh characters sure and for reasons that i cannot explain i have been uh collecting items with batsmaru on it for over 20 years he is

Speaker 56 he's a naughty penguin who's friends with hello kitty yeah yeah how many items are we talking about sarah

Speaker 35 I mean, when I moved in, we got rid of quite a few.

Speaker 39 Oh, really?

Speaker 10 And there are still quite a few.

Speaker 18 Did you get rid of of them in a burning ritual of some kind?

Speaker 35 We sold quite a few and got, yes, got it.

Speaker 53 How many items would you estimate now?

Speaker 21 Ballpark figure, ballpark figure.

Speaker 10 Are we talking about just ones that are on display currently?

Speaker 15 Do you have a rotating

Speaker 55 exhibition?

Speaker 4 There are some museums.

Speaker 63 Sounds to me like Jake's got a storage unit.

Speaker 35 I mean,

Speaker 10 we're in the dozens, if not.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 35 I was going to say like 100, 150.

Speaker 8 100. What are we talking about? Figurines?

Speaker 12 Facecloths?

Speaker 32 Where are they displayed?

Speaker 35 They're there.

Speaker 35 We have primarily kept them, which, thank you,

Speaker 35 to the bathroom.

Speaker 9 So there's a bad, bad Batsmaru bathroom in your home.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 14 And you go boom, boom.

Speaker 39 There is a Batsmaroo.

Speaker 8 Is there a bad, bad, what?

Speaker 39 Batsmaru.

Speaker 14 So we call it the bathroom. We call the bathroom the batsman.

Speaker 8 Is there a bad, bad Batsmaroo bidet in your bad, bad Batsmaru bathroom?

Speaker 8 No, that's one of the few things we don't have but i but i would not be opposed to getting one okay that's not i don't we're already too close to your personal lives now i'm sorry i brought anything that deals with your bum bum let's keep it to your bum bum yeah exactly

Speaker 8 uh so uh you want you want me to order him to get rid of a couple of dozens of pieces

Speaker 7 in return for

Speaker 23 I don't know, I think he wants you to keep Mimi in like a

Speaker 63 safe or like a

Speaker 30 blankie jail?

Speaker 1 One of those things from Ghostbusters they used to trap the ghosts.

Speaker 14 Yeah, sure. Very unstable.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 8 Yeah, very unstable.

Speaker 18 The EPA doesn't want those.

Speaker 10 EPA is the bad guy.

Speaker 35 I'd be happy if, like, you know, there were 12 less bots brew things.

Speaker 65 Sure.

Speaker 31 This is what you need to say, Jay Keith.

Speaker 70 I am not on trial here. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I am not on trial here.

Speaker 70 Yeah, you are.

Speaker 21 I've I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

Speaker 8 I will go into my chambers, which means kneeling behind this beautiful mahogany Masonic temple desk.

Speaker 49 I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Speaker 9 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 39 Good luck, Eddie.

Speaker 9 Sarah, how are you feeling about your chances in the case?

Speaker 35 About my what? I'm sorry?

Speaker 9 Your chances in the case.

Speaker 35 I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good.
I'm

Speaker 35 mixed about how I feel about this situation,

Speaker 35 but I'm feeling pretty good.

Speaker 46 How are you feeling?

Speaker 14 It's my job.

Speaker 35 That's your show. I'm sorry.

Speaker 60 Jay Keith, stick to your cat podcast.

Speaker 9 Jay Keith, how are you feeling?

Speaker 39 I was feeling good till the whole Batsmaru stuff was mentioned.

Speaker 10 And now it seems to be

Speaker 10 I have to pay for this decision decision in Batsmaru item removal, which I'm not as much looking forward to.

Speaker 9 You already knew that I was your boss at the Maximum Fund Network. You didn't know I was doing opposition research.

Speaker 10 I did not know about the Oppo.

Speaker 9 Sarah, how does it feel?

Speaker 9 Sarah, how does it change your feelings about the case to know that I have my blankie Cubby in my bed right now?

Speaker 9 You don't.

Speaker 7 I do. That's where Cubby lives.

Speaker 6 Where is her?

Speaker 14 How could I sleep without her?

Speaker 41 Where exactly?

Speaker 9 Right next to my pillow, sometimes sometimes under my head, sometimes between my fingies.

Speaker 9 The feeling is very comforting to me. And sometimes when I take a nap, I put her over my eyes.

Speaker 35 Same.

Speaker 31 This is a really cute conversation, but I.

Speaker 15 We'll see what Judge Hodgman.

Speaker 17 I'm going to remind you that this is very uncomfortable.

Speaker 9 We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom

Speaker 9 and presents his verdict.

Speaker 37 As the blood returns to my head, I've been thinking about this

Speaker 5 case.

Speaker 12 First of all, one question I might have asked is,

Speaker 8 your mom, is she still living?

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 8 And how do you think she would feel knowing that

Speaker 63 your beloved is repulsed by her gift to you?

Speaker 35 She'd go, yeah.

Speaker 26 That's what she would say.

Speaker 13 She agrees with him?

Speaker 6 Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Well, I've really enjoyed hearing about Mimi

Speaker 31 from you, Sarah.

Speaker 22 And Jay Keith,

Speaker 34 I've really enjoyed hearing you say, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Speaker 8 No, I couldn't help myself but make that joke.

Speaker 14 That's not how, that's not.

Speaker 8 exact that doesn't exactly reflect my verdict.

Speaker 29 You know, I, uh, I brought, I had a blankie named Blankie.

Speaker 29 Blankie came with me to college.

Speaker 19 Blankie was in bad shape at that point.

Speaker 8 Blankie was mostly less blankie, more whole at that point.

Speaker 17 And

Speaker 33 I did not have any self-consciousness about it.

Speaker 49 But ultimately, I sent Blankie home, and I don't know where Blankie is right now, and now I wish I had Blankie.

Speaker 9 Blankie went to live on a farm.

Speaker 52 Blankie went to go live on the Blankie farm upstate.

Speaker 32 And so it comes to me to decide whether or not to send Mimi to the Blankie farm

Speaker 8 to exile in a drawer.

Speaker 33 Do you think that Mimi has feelings?

Speaker 45 No. Okay, good.

Speaker 6 No, I like that.

Speaker 8 It's hard not to anthropomorphize things that you love, like

Speaker 19 a Blankie or a stuffed animal or a...

Speaker 13 particular brand of gin.

Speaker 8 All of these become things that you trick yourself into feeling that they have feelings.

Speaker 30 It represents something.

Speaker 29 Yeah, but I'm glad that you don't feel that this has feelings and that you're willing, Jay Keith, you should note that Sarah is willing to put her beloved thing into a suitcase and imprison it there for your comfort.

Speaker 31 That's a big sacrifice.

Speaker 4 I didn't hear suitcase as an option.

Speaker 26 Oh, I'm sorry, pillowcase is what I'm just saying.

Speaker 8 Sarah is willing to put her beloved object into a pillowcase and knot it up and imprison it there for your comfort.

Speaker 6 Now,

Speaker 49 Jay Keith, I've had some fun saying I'm going to trick you by putting a beetle in your house and that sort of thing.

Speaker 12 But your comfort is important.

Speaker 20 Everyone's comfort in a cohabitation situation, particularly if it's one that involves hugging and kissing and sharing the same bed,

Speaker 25 is very important.

Speaker 19 And I am forced to believe you when you say, this makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Speaker 62 The fact that you have to leave the room, if not the house, sometimes when this thing comes out is something that I take very seriously.

Speaker 21 Now, of course, my recommendation to all romantic partners who live together is to not share a bed.

Speaker 61 If it's within your means, get the largest bed possible so you have enough space to sleep, toss, and turn, and fart in.

Speaker 53 And then you can come together when you want to.

Speaker 30 Of course, it is well known that the best arrangement for romantic partners is to have two separate king beds

Speaker 13 in villas that are separated by a reflecting pool, which is still an ambition for me.

Speaker 8 I just don't want to deny Sarah her Mimi.

Speaker 28 I'm sorry.

Speaker 30 And I think that the sacrifice and the compromise that she suggests is not going to work for you, Sarah, ultimately.

Speaker 28 But I think you ought to take what you can get.

Speaker 29 I think that you need to put Mimi.

Speaker 18 You got to put Mimi in a, better to put Mimi in a pillowcase than in a corner.

Speaker 39 You know what I mean?

Speaker 10 Nobody puts Mimi in a corner. No.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 31 there are pillowcases that zip up.

Speaker 49 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 And some of them are specifically like barriers for pests and insects. Because whatever's living in Mimi wants to come out.

Speaker 39 Just turn it inside out.

Speaker 32 I think

Speaker 18 that's a big compromise.

Speaker 49 I will order you to get rid of six of these weird penguin items.

Speaker 72 Just Just put it in your storage unit.

Speaker 13 Put it in your storage unit.

Speaker 21 You know I have a storage unit?

Speaker 52 I'll get a pillowcase. You know what?

Speaker 27 Yeah, that's exactly right.

Speaker 14 Thank you, Jay Keith.

Speaker 26 You're a good podcast person.

Speaker 53 This is what's going to happen.

Speaker 13 You're going to put me in a pillowcase. Okay.

Speaker 14 And you're going to put six of these bad penguin items in a different pillowcase.

Speaker 60 With their sharp cornered heads.

Speaker 14 Look, I don't know.

Speaker 13 Maybe you can get some washcloths of someone with this character.

Speaker 53 And you're going to sleep with them too.

Speaker 17 And they're going to have my picture on them.

Speaker 8 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 17 Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all.

Speaker 9 Jay Keith and Sarah, thank you for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 73 You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years. And

Speaker 73 maybe you stopped listening for a while. Maybe you never listened.
And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years. I know where this has ended up.

Speaker 74 But no, no, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 73 You don't even really know how crypto works.

Speaker 75 The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me. We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

Speaker 35 And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

Speaker 73 So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 35 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So, let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 66 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 35 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 5 Episode 64.

Speaker 35 So, how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 35 Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 58 Oh, we're ruined.

Speaker 35 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.
Woo!

Speaker 41 I'm Dr.

Speaker 35 Ella Hubber.

Speaker 4 I'm regular Tom Lum.

Speaker 35 I'm Caroline Roper. And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 35 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 66 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 1 Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the stage at the Masonic Lodge. at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in LA.
We've got some things going on. Let's talk about them.
Not least of which are a strike.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Jesse, I literally have nothing going on other than getting a chance to speak to you and all of our podcast listening friends. I'm Judge John Hodgman once a week.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a member of Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2 But all of my entertainment, writing,

Speaker 2 and consequently acting work is on hold as the WGA, both East and West, continue to strike. for a fair living wage and to ban artificial intelligence robots from professional entertainment.

Speaker 2 Sorry, robots, but

Speaker 8 we literally need to eat.

Speaker 3 You don't. So there you go.

Speaker 2 And I'll just say, I was out on the picket lines today and I saw our friend Starley Kine.

Speaker 1 Oh, hi, Starley Kine.

Speaker 2 Television writer for Dave and Search Party, and also one of the greatest radiophonic creative minds in the biz, host of the late and lamented mystery show, which you can still listen to and should.

Speaker 2 But Starley has since over the past couple of weeks, Starley has been shutting them down, shutting down productions.

Speaker 2 She and her friends stayed out picketing till 2 or 3 in the morning, I believe it was, to shut down a shoot of the TV show Evil.

Speaker 2 And they learned and they were schooled by

Speaker 2 the Teamsters, by the crew.

Speaker 8 They're like, you have to pick it and you have to keep picketing.

Speaker 2 Don't walk away. Because if you don't walk away, we won't cross your picket line.
And consequently, nothing against the show Evil,

Speaker 2 nothing against the show Evil.

Speaker 2 They're great producers and asif manvi is on that show but this is how we do it we are we are picketing and we are stopping productions to make it clear that we won't stop asking for basic living wage dignity and uh and humanity literal humanity in the in the entertainment process and uh i just saw starly today and it's just been so exciting so thank you for all of you who have uh echoed our message So thank you for everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in worlds in which

Speaker 2 so thank you to everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in New York, Los Angeles, and all around the world in our listening audience.

Speaker 2 And if you want to know what's at stake and why it matters even to you, a person who may not actually be a professional television or film writer, go to the link in my bio at Instagram.

Speaker 2 It's the quickest way to get to the WGA Writers Strike Hub, which lays out all of the things that we're fighting for and all of the things that the studios are absolutely refusing

Speaker 2 in the most egregious fashion. So that's what's going on.
I'm glad to say it's going well.

Speaker 2 I mean, we're being heard and we're being understood and we're being understood as part of a larger labor movement that is trying to

Speaker 2 claw a little back from the gains that have been made in

Speaker 2 And we're part of a bigger labor movement that is trying right now to claw a little back from the incredible gains gains and profits that have been made over just the past five to ten years by big companies.

Speaker 2 You know that you know who they are, both entertainment companies and otherwise,

Speaker 2 and get back some dignity for the worker. So, again, entertainmentcommunity.org.

Speaker 2 If you want to support people financially who can't work during the strike, and that includes all those workers who, in solidarity, are not crossing the picket line, the crew and the teamsters and so forth, and are not getting paid as a result.

Speaker 2 This community fund helps them too. And I just want to say to any members of IATSI out there or the Teamsters,

Speaker 2 we thank you for standing in solidarity with us and helping us learn how to be better strikers because you're really, you know, we're all in this together.

Speaker 63 And I really appreciate your help.

Speaker 1 Well, let's get back to the stage of

Speaker 1 the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery and Judge John Hodgman Live.

Speaker 9 Let's bring out our next set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage Laura and Lucas.

Speaker 9 Our second case of the night is Tater Tort.

Speaker 9 Laura brings the case against her husband, Lucas. Lucas calls himself the humble son of a potato farmer.
Laura says that's wrong. His father was actually the manager of a large potato chip company.

Speaker 21 Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide.

Speaker 9 Please rise as as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Speaker 43 Potato chips.

Speaker 18 How my mouth just drips.

Speaker 54 Potato chips.

Speaker 43 Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy.

Speaker 21 Crunch, crunch.

Speaker 70 I don't want no lunch.

Speaker 43 All I want is potato chips.

Speaker 54 Potato chips.

Speaker 22 No matter where it is, you'll find a bag around.

Speaker 50 Could even be at a bar or at a picnic.

Speaker 54 Jesse, even a baseball ground.

Speaker 43 Bailiff Jesse Thornton, swear them in.

Speaker 9 Laura and Lucas, please rise. Raise your right hands.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Speaker 55 Yes, I do.

Speaker 9 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his 10-year campaign to be sponsored by Utz potato chips has been a total failure?

Speaker 27 Yes, I know.

Speaker 6 Oh my God.

Speaker 76 You're wearing him down.

Speaker 27 You're wearing him down.

Speaker 27 Tom Utz, we had like, we had the Utz people on the line.

Speaker 17 I was DMing with Tommy Utz or whoever is running the place.

Speaker 8 And he's like, yeah, we'll definitely sponsor your podcast.

Speaker 52 And then that dude ghosted me.

Speaker 47 Oh, I could have had the crab chip for free. I could have had those cheese balls for free.

Speaker 43 And also potato chips.

Speaker 23 Oh, by the way, are you done your thing?

Speaker 14 I think so. All right.

Speaker 9 Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Speaker 8 Lucas and Laura, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Speaker 59 Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

Speaker 31 It's a lyrics to a song.

Speaker 48 Laura, why don't you go first?

Speaker 35 Oh, it's the lyrics to a song?

Speaker 46 Yeah, that's a name for you.

Speaker 25 It's a song called Potato Chips.

Speaker 35 I'll say that it's an Utz Potato Chips jingle.

Speaker 43 Okay, that's a good guess.

Speaker 30 You're picking up on a lot of context clues.

Speaker 39 Lucas?

Speaker 21 Well, you come from a long line of potato chippers.

Speaker 24 Surely you know all the songs about potato chips that have ever been recorded in this country.

Speaker 9 Lucas, you're chip people.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 21 It wasn't the B-side.

Speaker 27 The Beast of the Earth, huh?

Speaker 16 Oh!

Speaker 66 It wasn't the B-side to the Buckner and blah. Another guy, Garcia's Pac-Man.

Speaker 14 Pac-Man Fever.

Speaker 21 No,

Speaker 23 it's not arcade-themed.

Speaker 9 It was the B-side of Disco Duck

Speaker 23 by Rick Dees. By Rick Dees.

Speaker 49 Yes, I'm very old.

Speaker 9 There's a sign for a bar near here that says Disco Duck Boogey and Cocktails. That's true.
That's real.

Speaker 21 I walked by there.

Speaker 30 They're having a party in there tonight.

Speaker 27 Oh, big time.

Speaker 50 Go check it out.

Speaker 70 I get nothing from them.

Speaker 59 No sponsorship from Disco Duck. No sponsorship from Utz.

Speaker 62 Mess, Lucas.

Speaker 23 You know what it is? Well, you know.

Speaker 70 You're a farmer.

Speaker 54 You know what it's like to work hard, to dig in the dirt, to grow ideas, only to have them taken from you by coastal elites in Los Angeles, California.

Speaker 21 All guesses are wrong.

Speaker 59 That is a song called Potato Chips by Slim Gaylard,

Speaker 48 an

Speaker 18 incredible fun

Speaker 24 recording artist that my friend Adam Sachs introduced me to many moons ago.

Speaker 77 And honestly, I should have sung it. I should have sung it instead of read it.

Speaker 77 You wouldn't have recognized it, but it would have been more fun.

Speaker 23 Maybe at the end of the show.

Speaker 31 Meanwhile, Lucas and Laura, let's hear your dispute.

Speaker 25 You're a son, you're a humble son of a potato farmer, I hear.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 23 Where did you do your farming?

Speaker 21 I didn't do the farming. Oh, right.
Your dad.

Speaker 77 Yes, it was my father.

Speaker 46 You're Pappy, would you say?

Speaker 66 No, no, father. Or dad, dad.

Speaker 21 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 43 Where did your father do his potato farming?

Speaker 66 In a little town in Sugar Camp, Wisconsin.

Speaker 59 Sugar Camp, Wisconsin.

Speaker 24 This is pretty goddamn adorable so far.

Speaker 23 Pretty good, God or whatever damn adorable.

Speaker 24 And why, Laura, do you say that this is not true?

Speaker 48 Well,

Speaker 35 he uses this to introduce himself in polite conversation with

Speaker 35 coworkers or strangers. And that's like the first impression that people get.
of him. And it's not, he's not the humble, he's not humble.

Speaker 35 He is the son. His dad is technically farmed a potato field, yes, but he didn't own the land.
He didn't own the machinery. He was the manager of the field.
He managed like five guys.

Speaker 35 So technically, yes, he was a potato farmer.

Speaker 43 He managed a potato farm and a five guys?

Speaker 27 No, no, no.

Speaker 78 Never five. They're famous for their potato farms.

Speaker 35 From what I understand, there were five guys that

Speaker 66 would only be during the busiest times of year planting.

Speaker 43 But I figured that he was the manager of a potato chip factory or something.

Speaker 47 No, not at all.

Speaker 27 No, that was incorrect.

Speaker 35 I must have

Speaker 59 some misunderstanding.

Speaker 8 I thought we were going to have a fun conversation about potato chips.

Speaker 1 They were used.

Speaker 66 Okay, so the potatoes were used for a very big large potato chip conglomerate.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 66 Which one? The big one.

Speaker 35 Should we say? Not Utz.

Speaker 47 Let's just say.

Speaker 16 Look, tell me what's going on.

Speaker 9 Let's just say he worked for a certain granny goose.

Speaker 43 I don't know all the big potato chip conglomerates. I'm just a simple fan of Utz potato chips, a regional brand started by a family that doesn't return my phone calls.

Speaker 53 Maybe, sir, what's the big one?

Speaker 18 You can tell me what's the big one.

Speaker 66 I'm from Frito-A, which I think is owned by Pepsi, which is owned by Yum Brands.

Speaker 21 Right, of course.

Speaker 18 Yeah, well, you sure do know your farming.

Speaker 32 Why do you introduce yourself as, I mean, literally, I'm a humble son of a potato farmer.

Speaker 66 Yeah, so that started sort of as a joke. Okay.

Speaker 66 Because it was probably some election season.

Speaker 66 It was some election season somewhere, and you know how politicians always like to do the, I'm a

Speaker 66 son of a diamond miner, even though the asshole owns the whole diamond or emerald mine and is a billionaire.

Speaker 21 Are you referring to someone?

Speaker 25 Maybe.

Speaker 52 Wait.

Speaker 75 Were you suggesting that Diamond Miner is a folksy profession?

Speaker 47 That was your poll for folksy profession?

Speaker 60 I get it. The lights are hot up here, but

Speaker 76 you're the one in the mine. Maybe you can get yourself a bunch of people.

Speaker 66 They don't call them blood diamonds for nothing.

Speaker 43 I think he was making an oblique reference to a certain owner of a certain social media platform and a guy who makes the jankiest cars on earth.

Speaker 42 Oh, yes.

Speaker 25 Sorry.

Speaker 66 Well, sorry I didn't get it.

Speaker 43 So you started as a joke

Speaker 24 in election season.

Speaker 43 Yes. And also it had the side benefit of annoying Laura.

Speaker 66 Oh, always, yes, of course. Right.

Speaker 70 And

Speaker 21 how often does this happen?

Speaker 66 Oh, these days it's far fewer. Because everybody now knows me as the humble son of a potato farmer.

Speaker 9 Your reputation proceeds.

Speaker 66 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 43 Laura, is it the case that this habit has dwindled?

Speaker 35 Oh, yes. Ever since he started working from home and there's less and less new co-workers,

Speaker 71 which is sad, but.

Speaker 23 Yeah, but he could be going into chat rooms and saying it.

Speaker 78 That's true. He could.

Speaker 36 He could if he would stop working sometimes.

Speaker 43 Laura, why does it bother you?

Speaker 35 Well, originally, it's because I didn't. When I met Lucas, which was like 20 years ago,

Speaker 35 His dad was not a farmer. He was not,

Speaker 35 he was like the manager of a,

Speaker 35 was it a senior living facility, right?

Speaker 35 And then, so it was not, it didn't occur, like, it was not a thing when I knew him. And then when his coworkers came up to me, I was like, is he really the son of a potato farmer?

Speaker 35 I was like, no, no, no, he's just telling you.

Speaker 75 So he doesn't explain it later?

Speaker 14 No. He just.

Speaker 72 But you, so you laugh at it privately?

Speaker 76 It's not a joke.

Speaker 72 You don't explain it. You get the laugh?

Speaker 9 Everyone understands his reference to Lamar Alexander at the iowa straw poll or whatever

Speaker 35 i have to explain is the thing i'm the one who has to explain to his coworkers that he's not really you have to do inclined to his setup yeah and it's like i don't want to do it i don't like it he's to me he's not a potato farmer although like technically he is you know because he he was but

Speaker 35 uh It just annoys me. Also, he says the humble, the humble son.
Totally lies.

Speaker 8 It annoys you.

Speaker 50 I like the idea of

Speaker 18 people knowing what his dad does for a living, and then you go to them, which was managing a senior care center, and

Speaker 48 then, sorry, this is a little roundabout.

Speaker 22 Getting convicted.

Speaker 48 It's the last time the tour.

Speaker 8 I don't know English anymore.

Speaker 50 I apologize.

Speaker 21 I like the idea of you going to people saying,

Speaker 43 them saying, is his dad really a potato farmer?

Speaker 31 And you thinking, is that how his dad describes taking care of senior cells?

Speaker 76 He's got to give the jell-o to the potatoes.

Speaker 72 Turn on the wheel of fortune for the old potatoes.

Speaker 9 One of the taters is acting up again.

Speaker 31 Turn off the lights, they like the dark.

Speaker 76 Tater's crying because he's remembering the war.

Speaker 42 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 54 Some of these stators' kids don't visit them.

Speaker 43 Well, I would say that your father was involved in two valuable professions,

Speaker 50 taking care of elderly people and making potatoes that I enjoy eating.

Speaker 58 But what the hell do you do as his son?

Speaker 44 Are you running for office?

Speaker 41 Not yet.

Speaker 27 Not yet.

Speaker 66 No, but no, I'm saving that in my back pocket

Speaker 45 for later. Okay, good.

Speaker 50 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 66 I'm a software engineer.

Speaker 54 A software engineer.

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 54 So this is just a joke, right?

Speaker 66 It's also like a sort of, it's not, the humble son, yes. The humble part is definitely a joke.

Speaker 66 The potato farmer part is just a way for

Speaker 66 when I'm introduced to various California coworkers to be like,

Speaker 66 I come from a very rural area, I guess.

Speaker 48 And is that true?

Speaker 66 That is 100% true.

Speaker 48 Have you visited, what's it called?

Speaker 61 Sugar Camp.

Speaker 56 Sugar mouse.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 8 West Wisconsin or whatever it is.

Speaker 43 Sugar Camp.

Speaker 61 Yes. Wisconsin.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I thought I was from a small town, but his town beat my small town. It's way smaller.

Speaker 32 Is it important to you to feel a connection to your rural growing up?

Speaker 45 Did you have a rural growing up? Oh, definitely.

Speaker 66 Yeah, I was there the whole time until college. Yeah.

Speaker 50 What kind of, would you go fishing?

Speaker 66 There was a little bit of fishing.

Speaker 21 Okay. Tiny bit of hunting.

Speaker 54 What was it like in Sugar Camp?

Speaker 27 Tell me all about it.

Speaker 66 I think we just summed it all up. A lot of trees.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I would think that there is probably some

Speaker 77 maple syrup making going on.

Speaker 66 There is definitely, yes, that's how it got its name, yeah. Yeah, exactly.
You chase a hoop with a stick?

Speaker 35 You didn't make any paple syrup, though.

Speaker 45 Did you?

Speaker 43 When the potato crops, you know, every year, when do the potato crops come in?

Speaker 66 It'd be the fall.

Speaker 61 In the fall.

Speaker 31 So in order to ensure a good harvest, would you have a lottery?

Speaker 72 You want to wait for an island of the blue dolphin joke next?

Speaker 43 Is it that kind of rural community?

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 71 Why is it important for you to maintain this connection to rural roots and even play them up with some folksy language?

Speaker 66 Just a sort of to remember, I guess.

Speaker 45 Would you ever move back there?

Speaker 44 Hell no.

Speaker 22 You don't have any standing here, do you, Flora?

Speaker 18 I mean, mean, you're just annoyed by your husband's joke.

Speaker 48 Husband, right? Yes.

Speaker 46 You're just annoyed by your husband's joke.

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah, a lot.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 55 Yeah. I don't have any standing.

Speaker 35 I'm not a farmer.

Speaker 35 I know farmers, and I know, like, to say that you're the humble son of a potato farmer, like, connotes a certain lifestyle growing up, you know, waking up with the chickens or whatever.

Speaker 8 You said you mentioned that you knew some farmers, Laura.

Speaker 35 Oh, yes. So I grew up in also a small town, not as small as Lucas's.

Speaker 27 Where was that be, if I may ask?

Speaker 35 Oh, it's called Caro, Michigan.

Speaker 35 Our graduating class was like 150. His graduated class was 60.

Speaker 61 Right, that's quite small.

Speaker 66 It was multiple towns to make up to talk about your town anymore.

Speaker 78 So,

Speaker 56 like.

Speaker 9 Where is Caro, Michigan?

Speaker 13 Is that Upper Peninsula or Lower Peninsula?

Speaker 35 In the thumb.

Speaker 48 In the thumb?

Speaker 50 Do you ever go to a Great Lake?

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 43 Which one do you like to go to Lake Michigan?

Speaker 35 Well, I mean, we used to go to Lake Huron, and then the water level started going down. So now you have to walk like, I don't know, 100 yards to get to where the water is.

Speaker 48 Boy, that's

Speaker 14 really sad.

Speaker 18 That's not fun to hear about.

Speaker 55 No, it's sad.

Speaker 35 But we both went to college in the Upper Peninsula, so we used to go to Lake Superior and stuff like that.

Speaker 75 Did you major in leaving pies to cool on windowsills?

Speaker 79 Yes.

Speaker 35 Yes, pasties.

Speaker 31 Pasties, that's right.

Speaker 43 That's a mission.

Speaker 18 What is a pasty? I've read about them.

Speaker 35 A pasty is, well, actually, Lucas is the expert on pasties.

Speaker 66 I I am quoted on Wikipedia for my pasty presentation in college, yes.

Speaker 27 Say that again.

Speaker 53 Say that again into the microphone.

Speaker 66 My name is mentioned in Wikipedia as a reference because of a

Speaker 66 presentation I created in college that had to do with the pasty. When you meet someone new, lead with that.

Speaker 42 Yeah, right?

Speaker 78 That's much better.

Speaker 52 You don't need this confusing ass potato thing.

Speaker 25 Jordan, I love you.

Speaker 27 I'm really glad you're here. I love you too.

Speaker 50 But in the future.

Speaker 23 Guys, I love you.

Speaker 79 No love.

Speaker 43 In the future. Sorry.

Speaker 24 Don't fing steal my verdict.

Speaker 27 I have not seen the verdicts ahead of time.

Speaker 31 But you got there first.

Speaker 25 Rule of comedy.

Speaker 31 Of course, I was forced to wait.

Speaker 18 I was going to have to kneel behind that dumb desk and

Speaker 52 pretend that I didn't know exactly what I was going to say.

Speaker 17 Now I'm going to have to come up with something else.

Speaker 23 I can do it. I can do it.

Speaker 72 Sorry, Daddy. I'll give you a bag full of my teeth.

Speaker 58 No, no!

Speaker 36 Ouch!

Speaker 51 Now they like it.

Speaker 49 I know. I know.

Speaker 9 Before I make my verdict.

Speaker 18 Jordan, do you have any other questions that you want to ask or Jesse?

Speaker 9 I don't know. I don't really have a specific specific question.

Speaker 9 I guess my question is to find out which of you two is a real farmer. And so I guess I want to know whether you drink buttermilk for breakfast.

Speaker 9 Like a real farmer does.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 72 And on this stage, it's farmerson.com.

Speaker 14 Backsplash, pies.

Speaker 43 Let me ask you this question in your rural communities.

Speaker 59 What did you call pancakes? Johnny cakes, flatjacks, flatbreads, sweet rounds, mummy, mummies,

Speaker 41 just pancakes.

Speaker 66 Just pancakes, yeah, pancakes.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 72 Breakfast roundies.

Speaker 28 Laura, are you offended on behalf of the farmers that you

Speaker 35 well, yeah, yeah, I kind of am because I know farming families. Like, I have friends that I grew up with because I grew up in Carroll.

Speaker 51 I've heard a lot about it.

Speaker 14 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 35 And it's like they, they,

Speaker 35 everyone was like involved with the harvest, like the whole family, and they, you know, would, they know when the,

Speaker 35 when beans are planted and how to tell when it's ready to harvest them. Like, you don't know when to harvest potatoes.

Speaker 66 Oh, I didn't claim I was a farmer, though.

Speaker 27 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 56 It's just the humble son of a potato farmer.

Speaker 66 But, like,

Speaker 35 my friends are not farmers now. Or, well, one of them is.
One of them was.

Speaker 36 She's never not going to be a farmer.

Speaker 9 It offends.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I'm the farmer Lorax. I speak for the farmers.

Speaker 14 There we go.

Speaker 13 All right, I've heard everything I need to.

Speaker 12 I'm going to make my decision.

Speaker 8 I'm going to descend into my chambers.

Speaker 14 I'll be back in a moment, but my verdict.

Speaker 9 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 9 Lucas, having heard the verdict earlier, how are you feeling about your tension office?

Speaker 66 Wowie-zowie.

Speaker 14 Laura, how do you feel?

Speaker 35 Slightly better than I did earlier because he had come up with a thing that he wanted me to do. I might probably, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Shoot.

Speaker 35 That if he won, he wanted me to wear like a t-shirt that said the humble son.

Speaker 27 No, the humble son. No,

Speaker 35 a wife of the humble son of a potato farmer.

Speaker 36 And I was like, I don't want to wear that.

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 35 No, no, no, no, no. I know.
I know. That's why I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Speaker 21 No, that's okay.

Speaker 21 It was written down here.

Speaker 65 I could have done my job.

Speaker 26 Lucas,

Speaker 21 you want, if I rule in her favor, you want me to make her wear a shirt that says, a wife of the humble

Speaker 27 potatoes? Not a wife. No.

Speaker 17 What the hell is going on in sugar can discounce?

Speaker 66 Just wife of the sun.

Speaker 27 There's no plan.

Speaker 21 How many wives does a man need? No, no, no.

Speaker 66 Z, one, just one.

Speaker 23 To usher elderly people into death.

Speaker 42 Oh, my God.

Speaker 47 No, I'll restate that.

Speaker 32 How many wives does a man need to raise a spud in sugar can?

Speaker 3 Just one. Just one.

Speaker 24 Okay, interesting.

Speaker 48 I'm still down here thinking.

Speaker 21 Jesse, you want to ask any more questions?

Speaker 1 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and delivers his verdict.

Speaker 21 Laura Lucas, I've given a lot of thought.

Speaker 49 Do the thing Jordan said.

Speaker 78 Thank you. Thank you so much.

Speaker 12 I mean,

Speaker 53 it's a genuine brag.

Speaker 43 You are quoted on the Wikipedia page for pasties, I presume.

Speaker 21 Yes, yeah.

Speaker 43 That's a great brag. That's a great conversation.
You know, the best conversation starter there is.

Speaker 23 What did you do today?

Speaker 8 Because everyone did something.

Speaker 21 It's a lot better than saying, how are you?

Speaker 50 It's not a joke. It's just true.
Try it out. You're going to see.

Speaker 43 Suddenly it's going to be okay to talk to people.

Speaker 43 The 99.9% of our audience who say, I'm an introvert, introvert, suddenly you're going to realize it's fine.

Speaker 43 Just ask people, what did you do today?

Speaker 43 And all of a sudden they got a story to tell. And then you also got a real brag.

Speaker 23 You got a real brag.

Speaker 61 A humble son of a potato farmer is a funny thing to say when people are aware that you're making a joke.

Speaker 46 But it is, it does kind of make fun of your dad.

Speaker 47 Not to make fun of farmers?

Speaker 71 Not cool.

Speaker 59 And also, it's not meant sincerely.

Speaker 48 You're a real brag.

Speaker 59 You're quoted on a Wikipedia page about pasties.

Speaker 43 Then people are going to to say, what's a pasty?

Speaker 48 And I don't blame them because I don't even know.

Speaker 44 What is it?

Speaker 66 Oh, it's this meat pie that has potatoes and onions inside.

Speaker 14 You came over from Cornwall.

Speaker 36 Brutabegas.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 32 Now, see how we're getting to know each other?

Speaker 65 Like,

Speaker 32 I want to know you now, but if you said, do the thing that you used to do.

Speaker 66 Humble through the line.

Speaker 27 Hey, my name's Sean Hodgman.

Speaker 21 How are you?

Speaker 66 Oh, I'm Lucas, the humble son of a potato farmer.

Speaker 30 What is wrong with you?

Speaker 43 I don't get what this guy's up to.

Speaker 23 He's playing some kind of weird mind game with me, and I don't want to get to know him better.

Speaker 30 I wonder his wife seems nice.

Speaker 21 I bet she's probably from Michigan.

Speaker 13 I'll talk to her instead.

Speaker 75 I wasn't into the joke until I heard his delivery.

Speaker 56 I mean, it's all in the delivery.

Speaker 12 In any case, I rule in favor of Laura. This is the sound of a gabble.
Joe Town Hosman Laura's other fine.

Speaker 1 That's it for this week's episode. Thank you to our litigants who joined us on stage at the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Thanks to the folks at the lodge who were wonderful and gracious hosts. A very special thank you to my friend and yours, John, Mr.
Jordan Morris.

Speaker 2 Jordan Morris, co-host of Shootin' the Breeze, Jordan's and my somewhat annual podcast about cheese.

Speaker 2 By the time you're hearing this, we will have recorded our big settling of all your cheese beefs for this year's Shoot in the Breeze.

Speaker 2 So look for it in your members only section of your maximumfund.org membership. It'll show up in the bonus content feed soon.

Speaker 1 And even if you're not already a member of Maximum Fun, anyone can listen to Jordan Jesse Go, the show where Jordan and I

Speaker 1 do, there's no premise to the show.

Speaker 1 It's one awards. I promise.

Speaker 6 People like it.

Speaker 1 It's a funny show. It's the most meaningless show that exists, but it's very funny.
Evidence and photos from this show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

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Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Speaker 1 This episode recorded by Matthew Barnard and produced by Valerie Moffat, Richard Roby, and Jennifer Marmer. Our thank you to all of them.
Richard was on the road with us.

Speaker 1 So, so grateful to have his help. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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