Blob Babies

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me is the king of the chore coat, Judge John Hodgman.

Yeah, I'm wearing a chore coat.

I finally got my chore coat that I always wanted for Christmas.

You know what I got for the holidays, Jesse Thorne?

A coat and chores.

Well, I already had the chores.

I needed a coat.

I've been lusting after a classic French-style blue chore coat.

couldn't find a vintage one that would fit me because I guess French laborers in the 60s just were just little slips of things.

These people just smoked so many jiton that their metabolism was like bananas.

And so I couldn't fit into them, but I found one.

I got two chore coats.

I got two chore coats, one case of the flu,

one case of pneumonia.

No, one case of pneumonia, one bout with gout.

Then I got COVID.

Then I had all my wisdom teeth taken out except for one because that one was never erupted.

And do you know what?

It's been a stretch.

I'll tell you what.

But I'm looking at this, you know, we're around the new year and I feel good finally.

And I'm really happy to be here, at least virtually with you, my friend Jesse Thorne, to clear this docket.

We've got some other friends coming on via voice memo, voice memo madness today.

Gonna have some cameos via voice memo.

You can just read a thing into a voice memo.

Do you know what the industry standard is, Jesse, if you're auditioning for a cartoon voice job?

I mean, I presume it would be like a professional recording studio and you send an uncompressed wave or PCM file.

No, no, industry standard.

This is what I've been told to do by the people who know what to do.

Just read it into a voice memo.

Just read it into your phone.

But for audio quality, they recommend that you do it in a closet with a coat over your head.

That's the industry.

That's the professional advice.

I'm like, no problem.

I'm already there.

I'm already in this closet with a coat over my head.

I'm not coming out.

There might be pneumonia out there.

Oh, no, I'm back out there.

I'm back out there in the world safely, safely.

I mean, look, I'm glad that I had these bouts with these diseases and whatnot.

because

I know that I got it out of my system because we're about to hit that road.

And I can't wait to do these shows.

And I'm glad to know that I've got a few antibodies in my body that'll be a little bit protective.

So I won't get sick on the road.

Maybe I will.

Who knows?

There are a lot of question marks.

But yeah, I'm taking that code off my head.

I'm walking out into the world.

You and I are going to be doing some great shows.

I believe that there are still tickets available

in Seattle.

Port Townsend is way sold out.

I'm hearing tickets, low ticket alert, as they say on the email mailing list.

Low ticket alert, definitely in Los Angeles.

And if you haven't moved quick on Denver or Portland or Seattle or San Francisco, I encourage you to do so by going to bit.ly slash JJ Ho West,

J J H O W E S T.

It's going to be fun, Jesse.

I think we're going to have a great time.

And no matter where you live, you can watch the live stream.

We're going to be live streaming from San Francisco Sketch Fest.

That is going to be a ton of fun.

You can go to SF Sketchfest to get your tickets to that.

I am really looking forward to that because for years we have had people saying, oh, come to Peoria, come to Milwaukee.

And we just can't go everywhere we'd like to go unless we have the magic of the internet, which we do.

So you can enjoy our live show, see stuff that you couldn't see anywhere else

live from SF Sketchfest, one of our favorite places to be.

I'm really excited about that.

So if you're within the sound of this voice, you can get tickets at sfsketchfest.com to watch our live show.

Yeah, we haven't, you know, look, I'd still love to do a tour of the Great Lakes.

But until we do, if you're up there in, you know, Thunder Bay or Duluth or anywhere on the shores of Lakes Superior, Huron, Michigan.

Tahoe.

Tahoe.

Yeah.

I was going to say Erie, but it's not that great a lake.

Lake Ontario is pretty great.

Any of any lakes, great or not so great.

If you got internet, you can get this show.

Just go to sfsketchfest.com, find our show page on there, because you're going to see a directory for all the incredible acts that are happening at the Sketchfest.

You'll find us there and there's a link right there where you can buy tickets.

Brought to you by Moment, a company called Moment.

There you go.

Okay, here's a case from Elise in Portland, Maine.

Oh, I know that place.

My friend Christian is a physical fitness trainer, and I've been working out with him for years.

Our dispute is what to call the following training exercise.

Starting with eight repetitions of a given exercise, you first do eight total sets.

Then you do one fewer rep each set until you get to one rep.

This sounds horrible.

This is already making me feel sore.

What a nightmare.

He calls this a ladder.

I call it a pyramid.

To me, a ladder would start at one, peak at eight, then come back down, a total of 15 reps.

He says, this is a pyramid.

Please advise so that one of us may Raz the other for eternity.

Well, not eternity, Elise.

I mean, I admire that you're getting in the gym, that you're hitting it.

And that will, I hope, prolong your life, but you're not immortal.

None of this is going to make you immortal.

So not eternity, but I will, I will, I will grant Raz rights in a second.

I don't know.

I,

you know, now that I'm feeling a little bit better, I was like, maybe I'll start going back into the gym, the YMCA, where I can do whatever I please.

I can have a good meal and I can do whatever I feel.

Exercise.

I want to go to these good meal YMCAs, by the way.

It would be pretty great.

I was going to go this morning, but I couldn't go.

Do you know why, Jesse?

I had an emergency.

What was that?

The cat was in the bed.

I can't get up when the cat's in bed with me.

So I had to stay there for hours.

I had a little email.

The cat didn't mind, but eventually I had to get up, take a shower.

Maybe I'll go tomorrow.

I don't know, though.

I don't know a lot about reps and sets.

I'm presuming that this is a kind of a weight training or muscle training, right?

Yeah, I mean, we're talking about 87654321 here.

So eight of something and so on.

on.

Right.

I think I have it pictured in my mind.

I went online to find out the difference between a ladder scheme and a pyramid scheme.

I ended up giving a lot of money to this one website, but it's going to pay off, I'm pretty sure.

But I also found that there was a lot of confusion.

Some websites said that a pyramid scheme was not descending, but in fact ascending in intensity and then descending in intensity.

Some said that it was started low and then got more intense.

Some said it started high and got less intense.

Some said that that's actually a ladder scheme.

Some said that the ladder scheme and the pyramid scheme are the same.

Some said that they're different.

Who am I going to turn to, Jesse Thorne?

I don't know.

Who's better than the internet?

My cousin, Kyle.

Know why?

My cousin Kyle is down there in Maryland getting a doctorate degree in exerciseology.

He knows.

So

I asked him to go get in the closet, put a coat over his head, and record us a little voice memo.

Let's hear from Kyle, see what he found out.

Hello, my name is Kyle, and I'm a PhD candidate studying kinesiology at the University of Maryland College Park.

After sifting through some of my texts and relevant research articles, I've decided to side with Elise.

Beyond anecdotal belief that a pyramid workout starts off with a high workload and reduces either volume or intensity, whereas a latter would maintain intensity over a number of steps or reps.

I'd like to reference Fleck and Kramer of 2014, who note,

quote, the pyramidal system of training refers to methods in which sets are performed with increasing or decreasing weights and repetitions in such a way that the number of repetitions is low when the weight is high and vice versa, end quote.

In addition, the National Strength and Conditioning Association's Foundation of Fitness Programming generally refers to the sighted workout

as a quote pyramid loading scheme, end quote.

In my search, I was unable to find any other relevant information related to ladder workouts or ladder schemed workouts.

Thank you.

It's my cousin Kyle.

He's going to be a doctor of kinesiology.

I can never remember it.

And he just said it.

Sounds like he takes these kind of things seriously.

Yeah, he does take it very seriously.

He's going to be a doctor of kinesi exercises

gymology in the gym timeology.

That's doing push-ups.

Yeah, but he knows what he's talking about.

Now,

Kyle's very funny.

I've done bits with him on stage many a time.

People who've come to shows of mine back in the ancient past will remember Kyle.

He's a really smart, funny guy.

But when it comes to muscle movements, this guy's no joke.

He's going to go directly to the source, Fleck and Kramer.

And the pyrademal

or a pyramidal or pyramid loading scheme that they describe, the one that's in the text, makes sense to me.

Because it's not just increasing intensity or decreasing intensity, which would seem like going up a ladder or down a ladder, but you are increasing the weight as you are decreasing the reps.

reps.

And there, you get some pyramid in there, right?

You go in one regard, you're going up, in the other regard, you're going down.

And that to me feels like a pyramid as opposed to a ladder.

That makes sense to me.

Now, I can understand why it's different all over the internet.

And a pyramid and ladders are described in different ways for different kinds of exercises, or they're considered the same.

I think it has to do with what Kyle was saying about anecdotal understanding of what these things mean.

Because the fact is, not everybody is getting a doctorate in this.

not everyone has their fleck and kramer at hand to know what the source text is.

John, you know what one of my favorite rap lyrics is?

No, it's DJ Quick, one of my favorite rappers.

He says, I ain't no big buff dude.

I'm a rap singer.

I exercise one finger.

That's my strap finger.

And me personally, it's like that, but for podcasting instead of shooting.

That's my podcasting finger.

It's your larynx.

Yeah.

Your vocal cords.

I would accept any language anyone with muscles offered me.

But the point is that kinesiology, I can never remember what it is, even though Kyle just said it.

I'm sorry, cousin Kyle.

I love you.

Just say push-ups.

Push-upology, muscle-build-upology, and other forms of training.

It's a living language.

And not everyone's going to fleck and Kramer.

And probably someone learns one thing in one gym as a pyramid loading scheme.

And in another gym, they refer to it as a ladder loading scheme.

And then that gets passed down and so on and so forth and so on.

So whatever you're using to describe it is fine.

But the book says that what Elise and Christian are doing are close, is closer to a pyramid scheme than a ladder scheme.

And I'm going to side with my cousin Kyle.

And if you think I'm wrong, okay.

But if you think cousin Kyle is wrong, if you write in saying my cousin Kyle is wrong, you're going to get blocked.

No one is going to diss cousin Kyle today.

John Hodgman ain't no big buff dude.

He's a podcaster.

He exercises one finger.

That's his block finger.

My block finger.

Exactly.

Also, cousin Kyle has got a really cool dog, and I'm going to send you a photo of it right now.

Do you have your photo receiving device open, Jesse?

I do.

All right.

I'm sending you this picture.

This is the look that the dog gave me as he walked by on the porch in Ocean City, New Jersey.

He did not want to be bothered by me.

Presuming that Kyle gives permission, we'll put this up on the Instagram.

After Judge John Hodgman.

One, two, going out.

Yeah, he's a snail-tooth English bulldog.

You know what his name is?

What's that?

Sir.

Oh, what a sweet dog.

He's a sweet dog.

Kyle's a sweet cous.

He's got a sweet dog.

Fleck and Kramer.

I can't speak to their sweetness, but I'll speak to their authority.

Elise, you're in the right.

Christian, you're wrong.

Have fun up there in Portland, Maine.

You hear something from Mandy in Huntsville, Alabama.

I'd like to hear the judge's thoughts on proper packing etiquette.

Is it acceptable to place one's suitcase on the bed to pack and unpack?

I think that's gross.

Who knows where that suitcase has been while in transit?

Yeah.

What's your instinct here, Jesse?

I've got a strong feeling.

You can probably guess.

Wait, it's gross to put the suitcase on the bed in a hotel room, like?

Yeah.

Like in the bed?

Or like on top of a bed spread?

You raise a good point.

There are different scenarios.

Do people put their butts on their bed?

The butt of my pants has been in all kinds of gross places.

I know.

And that's a good question.

Do you put your butt on the bed?

I put my butt wherever I please.

It's your butt and it's your bed, I suppose.

Yeah, it's my dang hotel room.

Either the bedspread gets washed, in which case it gets washed, it's not a problem.

Or it doesn't get washed, in which case many much grosser things are on it than whatever is on the side of my suitcase.

I have to say that I,

you know, I have a brother-in-law who...

You know what, John?

I have two brother-in-laws.

So.

All right, well, I guess you win then.

I guess you win.

What do your brother-in-laws say about wearing

As Phoebe Robinson says, your outside clothes on the bed?

Phoebe Robinson, of course, wrote a book called Please Don't Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes.

And it's a great book.

And obviously her position is clear.

My brother-in-law would say, yeah, I don't understand why you would ever get anywhere near your bed in the clothes that you just wore on the subway.

And for years and years,

I was like, oh, come on.

And then I got to say that

The experience of the pandemic made me much, much more conscious.

Obviously, we know now that COVID and other respiratory diseases aren't really transferred from butt contact with subway seat to butt contact with bedspread.

But I did think a little bit more about it.

And I don't really lie down even on the bedspread in my outside clothes anymore.

Or if I do,

I feel funny.

I feel funny and I feel like, ugh.

Do you sit on chairs in your outside clothes?

I do.

Does that make me the lowest form of hypocrite, Jesse?

Do you and your brothers-in-law say that?

I don't know.

I don't even understand what the objection here is.

What's the problem?

I'm going to throw another one at you.

And I don't even think your brothers-in-law will have a defense for this.

I want to know what we're going to do about the bugs.

To quote the mystery prank phone call that I was never able to find the original source for.

And then I finally found the cassette tape in the basement of our house in Western Massachusetts, played it once, loved it.

It's something I had since the 1990s and had lost.

Recovered it, played it once, loved it, played it twice.

The machine ate the tape.

I want to know what we're going to do about the bugs.

Bed bugs specifically, Jesse.

This was a big thing during, there was a big bed bug problem in Brooklyn.

You know that song by Warren Zivon?

Ah, ooh, bed bugs of Brooklyn.

It was his follow-up to Werewolves of London.

Didn't do very well.

It was about the bed bug problem that we had in Brooklyn.

And you didn't want to be going to some hotel and get bed bugs crawling into your suitcase overnight and then putting that suitcase on your own bed as soon as you got home.

You're going to get some bed bugs in your bed.

That's where they're trying to get to.

That's where they're named for bed bugs.

Everyone was having bed bug problems in Brooklyn probably about six years ago, and it was all throughout our building.

And everyone understood you didn't want to be going to a hotel even a nice clean hotel bed bugs could crawl into your bag while you were sleeping overnight whether or not it was on the bed in the hotel and then when you come home you you definitely don't want to put it on the bed because that's where the bugs want to get to that's why they're called bed bugs But you also want to make sure you want to put it in a, in a, in a bathtub and spray it down with rubbing alcohol and run all your stuff through the dryer to kill those bed bug eggs.

I have to say that I've loosened up a little bit on that, but I still think about it.

I don't think that you want to put your luggage onto your own bed, spread or no.

You definitely don't want to tuck it in under the covers.

That would be gross, wouldn't it?

Tucking your duffel bag under the covers.

It depends on whether you're planning to escape Alcatraz.

Yeah, I was just going to say.

The only reason to tuck your duffel bag under the covers is if you're trying to trick some authority figure or your mom into thinking you're asleep in there when you're when instead you're swimming to the shore of San Francisco or out on a hot date or whatever.

Otherwise, I'd say keep your luggage away from that bed.

That's my personal judgment.

Putting your luggage on a bed in a hotel.

Yeah, I don't think there's, I don't have a problem with that.

You know, I've told the story before about that time that I checked into the Intercontinental Hotel.

in Austin, Texas, a really lovely hotel.

And I went straight for the mini can of Pringles.

It's always my go-to.

As soon as I get into a hotel room, if they have any kind of snack set up,

I will immediately down that mini can of Pringles.

I don't care how many 30s or 40s of dollars that it costs.

And I opened that mini can of Pringles.

And guess what?

It had already been opened and half of them had already been eaten.

And

I was livid.

I rarely complain.

And I stopped myself, I think.

Maybe I'm misremembering.

I really wanted to call down and say to the hotel,

you have failed in

your most sacred of duties, which is to create the impression that I am the first person to ever enter this hotel room.

And no one certainly ever came and hugged and kissed in this hotel room before I came here to stay or did any kind of stuff.

Because the truth is, we know hotel rooms, stuff gets gotten up to in hotel rooms.

They're gross and they're dirty.

Anyway, Mandy, this wasn't even a dispute.

I don't know how I got tricked into hearing this.

This is an etiquette question.

I don't know who in your life is telling you to put your suitcase on your bed, but if it's- No, she's telling other people to do this weird, complicated system.

She's the one demanding an airlock.

I rule in Mandy's favor against the world and especially Jesse's brothers-in-law.

Don't put your suitcase on your own bed.

That's your private refuge from the world and all of the gunk and junk that your suitcase goes through out in the world.

However, if you're in a hotel room where you've got two queen beds, go ahead and just use one as your junk bed.

It's the same philosophy as the eaten bed.

I don't know who coined that term.

Maybe someone out there in the world will let me know.

But you know about the eating bed, Jesse?

No.

Yeah, some people specifically request two queen bedrooms as opposed to a one king bed, for example, so that they have one bed that they can eat in and the other bed that they can sleep in.

Oh, I love it.

Right?

I've never stopped thinking about my friend Julie Klausner's idea of using one's bed and blankets to construct a snack nest.

Well, Julie is a genius.

Snack nest.

I don't know if I would make a snack nest in my own bed, but that's what hotel rooms are for.

What's great about snack nests is they also make perfect voiceover audition studios.

That's what hotel rooms are for, to transgress.

I mean, not immorally, please.

Don't break your own code of loyalty to your principles and to the people in your life.

But I mean, like, you can go ahead and eat a bunch of tacos on the bed.

Or just watch a bunch of HGTV or the history channel.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's the only thing they should show on hotel TVs is HGTV.

Jesse, do you know, I've said it before, but I'll remind you if you don't know.

Why is Househunters International better than Househunters Reg?

I don't know.

Why is that?

The Househunters International people, they're all running from something.

They're moving countries for some mysterious reason that they never specify.

They've got something dark in their past.

It's the greatest.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partners.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfund.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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It's true.

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And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket, and here is something from Elizabeth in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

My friend Michelle and I went to a restaurant where the tip is included in the bill.

Michelle still tipped cash on top of the total, which I had paid for the both of us.

They do this frequently, tipping on top of the tip, including when others are trying to treat.

This habit makes me feel cheap, even when my tips are 20 or 25% of the bill.

Please enjoy Michelle from fixing other people's tips.

Do you ever do this, Jesse?

Do you ever bump the tip when you're dining out with people?

I've paid the tip when someone else is paying the bill as a compromise.

Right.

But I have never had someone treat me to a meal and then said, but

I also want to pay some.

Here is some more in addition to what you are paying.

You've never gone out to dinner with someone, someone is taking you out to dinner and you have the sense that they're going to cheap out on the tip a little bit?

I mean, I'm not going to look over their shoulder at what they're writing into the notebook.

I'll tell you what.

I've topped the tip before in my life.

I'm going to admit it.

Wow, a tip topper.

I've been a tip-topper in my life, and here's the situation in which I topped the tip.

You know, if I am going out

and someone else is paying,

and

I have an instinct, and this is not judgmental, I have an instinct that they're going to tip like 15%

because maybe they're a little bit older than me,

and maybe they grew up in a culture where 15% was the norm, whereas 20% is the norm now, right?

And then if it's a restaurant that I like to go to personally and care about, all right, let's just say, no, they're never going to listen to this.

Let's say, let's say my father-in-law is taking us out to dinner in New York.

I'll top the tip.

I'll top the tip.

Now, I don't know necessarily whether Brad is

a tip skimper.

He might be tipping very generously.

But if it's my city and it's a place that I like to go to,

I want to make sure that those people are taken care of.

And so I'll, you know, discreetly

give a little extra cash to the server, drop it on the table, or if I, or, you know, that's what I'll top the tip.

But on the other hand, and here's another controversial one.

This is going to stoke the fires over in the Reddit.

There have been times when I have not tipped at all under a very specific circumstance, which is this, when rideshare services began, and I'm talking about like, let's say, a decade or more ago, when Uber first started, whenever that was, and I was experimenting with this new lifestyle, at that time, the service told you, don't tip the driver.

That is all included.

The whole point of Uber at that time

was

that tech bros in San Francisco who lack social skills and and are tired of having to interact with actual humans who might be outside of their social and economic circle, such as cab drivers, they created a workaround where you could get into the car and only the phone would talk to the driver.

You would never have to talk to the person or give them money or acknowledge their humanity in any way.

And therefore, the whole premise was

the tip is included.

You just get in, have no contact with a human, and then get out.

You felt like a monarch who had created a human robot to serve you.

Exactly so.

The utopian dream of every tech worker in the valley.

Turn everyone who is not part of my very small world into a robot who does my bidding and I never talk to them.

So I did it.

I followed the rule because I am a rule follower by nature until I was in Seattle, Washington doing an event.

We're performing a show there in a couple of days, bit.ly slash J J H O W E S T.

And the wonderful comedian Jen Kirkman

was aghast when I told her that I was not tipping on these Ubers.

It was all brand new.

And she's like, yeah, I know it says that, but I'm still going to give the guy a tip.

And we got into a little dispute over it.

And I realized, of course, she's right.

Since Jen Kirkman is so funny and smart and so right, I asked if she might get into a closet, put a coat over her head, and send us a little voice memo with her take on this dispute between Elizabeth and her friend Michelle.

Roll tape.

Hi, Judge John Hodgman.

It's your friend Jen Kirkman.

You know, I'm reminded of the lyrics that the great salt and pepper once sang, there is only one true judge, and that's God.

So chill and let my father do his job.

I'm going to chill and let you do your job, Judge John Hodgman, but I just want to weigh in a little bit.

Now, Elizabeth says she's made to feel cheap when Michelle throws an extra cash tip on top of what Elizabeth already tipped.

Now, Elizabeth, we all know that no one can make you feel anything.

Like Eleanor Roosevelt said something about that, and it's you need consent or something, but you know what I mean.

So that's your issue to deal with, right?

Now, I don't know why Michelle is doing this.

Maybe Michelle does think you're cheap, which again, that's none of your business.

Or maybe Michelle just feels like they're not contributing enough.

So here's the deal.

How about this?

The next time the bill comes and you grab for it, Elizabeth, and you want to leave a 25% tip and Michelle's there with the cash ready to throw it down, maybe you both decide, all right, we're going to leave a 40% tip.

Elizabeth, you put that 40% tip on your credit card and Michelle gives you the cash that they were going to drop on the table.

Everybody wins.

If that doesn't work, well, then Michelle, you're going to have to learn to drop the cash when Elizabeth isn't looking.

Make sure that you're the last one to leave the table, put your hand behind your back, and then just, whoops, drop the cash on the table.

Problem solved.

I hope this helped.

I love Jen Kirkman, and I love that her solution to this involves sleight sleight of hand magic.

I love that one hand has cash in it, and the other hand is somewhere else making a distracting motion.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just have a little pen light in the other hand or a little laser pointer and say, hey, look at that.

I'm using a laser pointer over here.

And then casually throw some cash to the Mater D.

John, is your father-in-law a cat?

No, no, no.

My father-in-law is a big dog.

He's a big, fluffy dog.

I'm sure he tips pretty good.

But Jen Kirkman is absolutely right.

Either get it out in the open, particularly if someone's trying to treat you, don't make them feel small and make them feel cheap.

That's ungenerous of you to say, you didn't tip enough.

I'm going to give some more.

That becomes a power struggle.

Either work it out together openly or just, you know.

sneak a little money under the table while you're creating a distraction with maybe some flash bangs or some smoke capsules and then you can spin and disappear.

Is this the tip you chose?

Here's a case from Liz in Brooklyn, New York.

I'm prone to car sickness as a passenger.

When my husband Ryan and I travel, I typically drive.

I ask him to look up the interesting signs and roadside Americana that we pass.

He says that's not his obligation as as passenger.

I obviously can't search them myself.

I'm driving.

And if I wait until we stop the car, we might be hours past a cool model railroad setup or a natural wonder or the world's largest something.

I would like the honorable judge to order Ryan to look up interesting things as we drive past.

So I reached out to Liz.

and asked

what Ryan believes his obligations as a passenger are.

And he did not get into a closet and put a coat over his head to record a voice memo, but I do have a direct quote from him.

As I am not an AI internet search assistant, I am not obligated to instantaneously Google anything, such as, what is that tall building over there?

My only obligations are to, one, let Liz drive on account of her car sickness, two, assist with navigation, and three, remind Liz that we have to make it to dinner with our family when she asks things like, what's that building slash store slash rock formation?

Should we stop?

Liz counters that people at the family dinner would not mind if they stopped to see the world's largest chair for a few minutes, but that's Ryan's response.

What do you think, Jesse?

Should Ryan be googling things at Liz's whim as they're driving across this land of ours?

Hang on.

What do you think, Jesse?

Should Ryan be searching up things on the internet as per Liz's whim while they are driving together?

Is this dispute about the searching, or is this dispute about the stopping?

What I gather from Ryan's response is that he's concerned that if he searches up

what is that weird thing over there,

that is a slippery slope that they will slide down to a long stop over looking at that giant chair or that mystery spot or that roadside museum, and then they will be late.

But I think most of all, Ryan doesn't want to feel like an AI.

Ryan doesn't want to feel like it's his job to take orders from Liz as she drives and look up everything around them like

a human heads-up display.

Why?

Does it make a difference to you, Jesse?

Yeah, because I don't think that this is about Ryan not wanting to look things up.

I think this is about a common fundamental disagreement among couples, which is, should we stop for stuff or should we blast straight through?

And I think that Liz is being disingenuous.

And I think that to some extent Ryan is being disingenuous in their responses to this.

If Ryan is suggesting he doesn't want to be a human computer, what he is really saying, in my opinion, is that he wants to blast straight through.

When Liz says she just wants to learn more, what she is really saying is, I want to stop for the world's largest everything.

Now, Liz sort of suggested that was the case.

She was much more explicit about it than Ryan was, but I think that's the fundamental dispute here.

You say maybe Liz, maybe Liz wants to stop at so many world's largest balls of twine and so forth, such that by the time they get to the family dinner, it will be over and she doesn't have to go to it.

And they can turn around and start making their way back home with various stopovers then, too.

Now, John, I am open to both of these, but if I had my choice, I would stop at stuff.

Yeah.

Specifically, I would stop at wherever the good food is, even if it was a few miles out of our way.

I would stop to go to the bathroom a lot because I'm a big peer, always have been.

And I would stop to go to the thrift store anywhere there was a thrift store because the best thrift stores are in places that are in the middle of nowhere.

And I would, you know, I wouldn't go for a hike necessarily, but I'd see the world's biggest whatever.

Sure.

Sounds great.

Yeah, I think I'm naturally a stopper too.

But ultimately, I respect the arrival time.

Of course.

And

I'm not a worrier about the arrival time.

I'm an on-time person,

but I'm not a get-there-way ahead of time person, as you know from our discussions about airports.

You're a just-in-timer.

Yeah, and I am just-in-time.

I don't, I arrive on time.

I'm on time for things.

You can't be a professional broadcaster and not respect hitting your post.

I went to theater school, dude.

No one can rehearse unless everybody's there.

Exactly so.

So to me, I think respecting that fundamental disagreement is the bedrock on which this decision must be built.

And what the decision is, I will leave to you

because you are the judge.

But honestly, as I told you.

According to Jen Kirkman, I'm also God or whatever.

Well, I mean, Jen Kirkman decides that.

So

it has been decided.

JK, a legend.

You ever have salt and pepper on?

No, I've tried.

I would love to have salt and pepper on bullseye.

Salt and pepper, go on bullseye.

If you're listening to this podcast and you haven't been on Bullseye, come on.

We love you.

Spinderella, too.

She's part of the band.

Shoop, shooby-doobie like Scooby-Dooby.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Those songs are good.

Let me tell you what makes a good road trip.

Since we're about to hit the road, when you're traveling with your friend, and I hope that, Liz, that Ryan is your friend and not just your husband.

Here's what makes a good road trip.

First of all, you arrive on time.

And if that means building in extra time to make sure that you're not stressed out, even if you don't stop, build in that extra time.

Don't start too late.

Ideally, leave early in the morning.

Honestly, no one likes to sleep in on a road trip.

Hit that road because I agree with you, Liz, and I agree with you, Jesse.

Stopping on the way is a true delight, whether it's something you planned or something that just comes up.

I remember, I think it was the last time we were on tour.

Jesse, you know, you need to take some breaks because of these migraines that you get.

Sometimes you need to get some food in you and we stopped and you got some uh i'm not going to say the brand of mcnugget but it was a mcnugget

actually several of them

i was so astonished because i was like i haven't had a a mcnugget a name brand mcnugget in decades I've spent my life looking down my nose at these McNuggets and I know all the problems with the McNuggets and everything else.

But sometimes you need to eat a food and the McNugget is there.

And that was one of the greatest things I've ever put in my mouth that day.

And then later on that road trip, spontaneously, we stopped for, for me, in my case, I had an incredible tuna melt at Traveler Food and Books on the Massachusetts-Connecticut border.

And I was like, I haven't been here in 15 years since I, or longer since I travel, used to drive between New Haven and Boston all the time.

This place, you go in there, you get a home-cooked meal, and every, and they have a ton of books around.

And every time you get a meal, you get a, you get to take a free book.

And now I think they, they ask you to take three books,

Not just a free book, but three free books because they got too many books.

Stopping is fun.

Stopping is fun.

Now,

that does not mean that you should turn your husband into a living computer.

Liz, if you want to build in some stops, build in some stops.

Do some research and figure out one or two things that you want to stop for.

before you even hit the road.

Then whatever Ryan's feeling anxious about in terms of getting there on time

and or being dehumanized by you as you start referring to him as Siri or whatever, that will be eliminated because it's built into

the system.

You know what's a fun resource is that Atlas Obscura.

You know those guys?

Yeah, it's a fun website for learning about a fun thing somewhere.

Yeah, like the Maine Desert, which is a weird patch of desert in the middle of Maine, or Perry's Nut House in Maine.

These are all going to be Maine examples.

Atlas Obscure, you got to get up there and do more in Maine, honestly.

But yeah, I mean, you know, do a little research in advance or check out the research people have already done and make and build in a little stop for yourself and be open to spontaneity.

But

I mean, I don't think, I think it's a little ungracious of you, Ryan, to say you won't ever Google what is that building over there.

Try to have some fun in your life, for heaven's sake.

But yeah,

I think you have to make those requests, Liz, with a certain amount of graciousness on your side, too, which is keep it to a minimum.

Do some research in advance.

Don't bother Ryan too much.

He's trying to take a rest.

Side note to my favorite Judge John Hodgman listener, Mrs.

Thorne.

Yeah.

I understand and support our need to barrel through when our children are in the car.

And also,

thank you for going on a popular business review.

app to find a good place for us to eat when I'm driving.

I really appreciate it.

Let's take a quick break when we come back.

A request for a stay of justice about jellyfish.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lollum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the docket and making our preparations to hit the road, both IRL and virtually.

That's true.

For the first time in a couple of years, for reasons that you probably understand, We're going to be doing some live shows.

Now, the live shows are happening primarily in the western part of these United States.

Seattle, Portland, Denver, San Francisco, Los Angeles.

And not everyone lives in those places.

If you don't live in any of those cities, or you tried to get tickets to Port Sounds in Washington, but you got shut out because it sold out, you can still check out the live stream of our San Francisco Sketchfest show at the beautiful Sydney Goldstein Theater anywhere you are in the world so long as you have internet.

Please, please, please go to sssketchfest.com if you don't live near any of those cities and follow the links and get your tickets for the live stream from San Francisco Sketchfest.

We're really excited to be doing it.

And we know a lot of you don't live in Seattle, Portland, Denver, San Francisco, or Los Angeles.

Hey, but if you do and you want to come to the show, good news is low ticket alert, they're going fast, but you can still get your tickets now by going to bit.ly slash JJ H O W E S T.

I mean, I hope they're still available.

I'm recording this a couple of weeks before we hit that road.

Bit.ly slash JJ H O W E S T or just go to the events page at maximumfund.org.

Hey, as of this recording, our Los Angeles show is sold out.

But if you have a case that you haven't sent in yet for Los Angeles, please do it.

Because if we pick your case to be adjudicated live on stage, we're going to sneak you in the side door.

Doesn't matter if you have a ticket.

Maximumfund.org slash JJ H.

O.

If you have a case for any of these cities that you'd like us us to consider for hearing live on stage, maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

And make sure you specify which of these cities you're in.

Seattle, Portland, Denver, San Francisco, or Los Angeles.

Plus, that live stream from the San Francisco Sketch Fest cannot wait to stream out to the world.

All ticket links, including the link to live stream, as you know, can be found at bit.ly slash JJ H-O-W-E-S-T, which is all capital letters, all one word, or just go to the events page at maximumfund.org.

Anything you'd like to add to that, Jesse Thorne?

Corin Tucker in Portland, David Borey in Denver.

You can't beat those guests.

Can't believe that I forgot to mention David Borey in Denver and Corin Tucker in Portland.

Who knows what other surprises might await you when you come to see the show?

So follow the links,

see us on the road, or see us on the stream.

We're very grateful when you come to the shows, and I can say with great authority, it's better when you're there.

I'm going to wear a cowboy hat.

Maybe I'll wear a cowboy hat too.

I have one.

Frontier Justice, let's do it.

Cowboy hats.

Cowboy hats.

It's done.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Indeed, welcome back.

And, you know, during the break, Jesse,

I heard something from our editor, Valerie Moffat, which I would like to share with the audience.

Valerie, are you there?

Valerie, come in, please.

Hello, John.

I'm here.

Share with the audience what you just shared with me about your own road trip fascinations.

So

I have been guilty of what Liz is asking about here on road trips specifically with

airplanes that I see on the road.

I love airplanes.

I think they're very cool.

And I have a flight radar app on my phone.

And if I'm like out on the road on the interstate with a good friend and I see a cool airplane up in the sky and I can't quite tell what it is, I will take my phone

off the dashboard, mount, open my flight radar app, and ask my passenger

to find what the plane is that I'm looking for and tell me what it is.

And the app, the app

will track what planes are in the air around you?

Yes.

Yeah, it's what they call a cool app, John.

Yeah.

You're a plane spotter?

I've dabbled in plane spotting.

Huh.

Well, here's what I have to say about that.

First of all, Valerie, stop doing that, which is to say,

you can do it, but I don't like hearing about you grabbing your phone out of the thing while you're driving and throwing it at your passenger.

That doesn't sound safe to me, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to say to your passenger, look, this is going to happen.

Download this app.

Get ready.

If I see a plane, I'm going to need you to look it up.

That's fair.

Yeah, absolutely.

There's some things, and you know what?

The passenger, if they're gracious, is going to do it.

Yes, yeah.

This is not the kind of thing I would do with, you know, a casual acquaintance.

No, and Ryan, I think you should be gracious.

But it's true, Liz, you know, if you're asking someone to internet search stuff that's in the air or passing by quickly,

it's kind of,

it's gone before you can get there anyway.

So, you know, prep your passenger for a few, a few reasonable demands, but I love that.

You ever catch a Boeing 377 Strata Cruiser in the air?

Haven't caught a Strata Cruiser.

I've seen Dreamliners.

I've seen 747s.

No Strata Cruisers.

Guys, I feel like you're too cool for me.

Yeah, I don't want to brag or anything, Jesse.

Sorry to, you know.

I also want to say that in the background behind you are our producer Jennifer Marmer and Richard Roby, who's going to be our producer on the road when we go on the road, right, Richard?

I am.

Hello, hello.

Hello to you.

And I just want to say I've taken a screenshot of the three of you sitting there.

And I hope that I have your permission to put it on the Instagram account at Judge John Hodgman because you're in this position.

You look like three Cylons in the cockpit of a Cylon Raider in the old Battlestar Galactica.

They look like a tribunal sitting in judgment of our podcast.

Yeah, by your command.

He's the judge.

We will determine your fate.

If you haven't watched the original Battlestar Galactica lately, we'll put on a compare and contrast photo of three Cylons and a Cylon Raider.

Anyway, here I go.

Here I go.

Here I go again.

Jesse, what's my weakness?

Podcasting?

Well, men, but

what rhymes with men?

That's appropriate for the situation.

It doesn't have to rhyme.

Cases.

Okay.

Cases.

Okay, sure.

Here's one from Zach.

My wife, Danielle, won't let me shush our newborn baby.

There are lots of parenting books that say shushing is a good way to soothe and calm your baby.

But she says my shushing is grating and annoying.

She shushes my shushing.

And before you know it, we're trapped in a shushing war that would rival most libraries.

Who is in the right?

Well, you know,

I couldn't judge this one without getting a voice memo from Zach's closet with his coat over his head.

or whatever.

So I did request some shushing.

And I'm going to say, I'm going to make my judgment based purely on the shushing quality.

Hey, by the way, everyone, you're not just going to hear Zach shushing, but you're also going to hear the baby crying.

Just so you know, you'll find out why that's important later.

Let's take a listen.

There we go.

This sounds like the soundtrack of an A24 horror movie.

I don't know.

To me, it sounded a little bit like the air conditioning in a Boeing 377 Strato Cruiser.

Ooh, cool.

Yeah,

it was

one of the first planes to have air conditioning.

And they also had berths in their beds for long international flights as well as um little little uh bassinets for babies that's why it sounded to me like a boeing 377 stratocruiser i i thought you meant berths in their beds

like the flights are so long

maybe someone gave a berth in the berth but i'm talking about b-e-rth they had jen it sounds like if we take one of these airplanes you can come with us on tour yeah that's right

no they had little they had little cots and then you would go downstairs yes you could go downstairs and go to their little cocktail bar in the basement of the plane,

Boeing's 377 Stratocruiser.

I've never seen a plane that looked like this.

Anyway, this shushing, Jesse, what do you think?

Grading and annoying or appropriate?

Well, I think this is a perfect example of porque no los dos, right?

It can be grading and annoying and appropriate.

There's not a lot of conveniences associated with babies.

Blake,

I think it's appropriate to be bothered by shushing noises.

I won't tell anyone what kind of noises to be bothered by,

but

I can speak from experience and say that it is helpful with calming babies.

I'll say this.

What I heard with my expert ears, my judging ears, I put them on every time I record, was a sequel to The Green Knight.

Exactly right.

First of all, that baby sounds cute.

Second of all, that shushing is annoying, annoying, but I can't dispute its effectiveness.

It seemed to work.

That baby got shushed and burped, but in any case, got soothed.

That said,

you got to respect your partner, especially if you have a baby and you got to extend some extra graciousness to the person who birthed that baby.

And I'm not talking about flew with that baby in a Stratocaster.

I'm talking about...

had that baby taken out of their body.

You're probably both exhausted.

But if your partner says to you, don't make that noise around me, you got to respect that.

So if you've got another room to go into, a shushing room, you can do your shushing, but don't do your shushing around your partner because it might just be driving them bananas and no one needs that.

You got to do what you got to do.

Everyone's just trying to live through this, including that little baby.

It's a weird time for all of you.

So just take extra gentle care with each other.

Keep your shushes to yourself and your baby.

That's That's your personal shushing time with your baby.

By the way, I joke about this being a horror movie soundtrack, but sincere apologies to those parents who can't bear the sound of a child crying.

My wife can't even listen to the Stevie Wonder song, Isn't She Lovely?

I'll play

one of my favorite albums is Small Talk by Slying the Family Stone, and it opens with a baby crying.

And my wife can't hear it.

I mean, if she heard Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah, produced by Timberland, which is completely built around weird baby noises, I think her head would explode.

I also want to let our listeners know that as far as I know, Zach did not actually go into a closet and put a coat over him and his baby's head to record that shishing,

which probably would be unsafe.

Finally, we have here a request for a stay of justice.

Do you remember the case Blob Justice about the

jellyfish tank?

Yeah, Yeah, exactly.

Kaylee, the wife, had a case against David, her husband, who wanted to put a jellyfish tank in their house.

Yep.

Man, don't we live in a wonderful world, John?

We really do.

I think I ruled that they had to wait until their child was three years old.

Well, let's hear Kaylee.

Hi, Judge Hodgman.

This is Kaylee from the Blob Justice episode way back in 2019.

During our hearing, you ruled that we get a jellyfish tank by our then newborn's fourth birthday.

This momentous occasion is now less than a month away.

However, we recently had our second baby and she is just now six weeks old.

I throw myself on the mercy of the court and request a stay of justice until the new baby is three.

I promise that our toddler is not bereft of jellies and new baby is not a supremely labor-intensive con to deny my husband his tank.

I await your ruling.

Thanks, Kaylee.

You know how some people call dogs fur babies?

Yeah.

Do you think jellyfish could be called blob babies?

Blob babies?

For sure.

But maybe you'll never get a blob baby if they keep having human babies.

Skin babies, I call them.

I just don't know where

this ends, Kaylee.

I mean, first of all, congratulations on...

on having

your daughter, it sounds like.

I hope all is happy and healthy in your world.

I don't know, though.

I mean, a ruling is a ruling.

Who's to say that you're not just going to call me up in three years saying, all right, now we had another baby?

Maybe you're just going to keep having babies to avoid having these blob babies in a tank in your home.

What do you think, Jesse?

I don't know.

I mean,

I think that she's right,

but I also

just feel terrible standing between anyone and a tank full of jellyfish.

Yeah, I mean, Kaylee, your husband has waited four years for the justice that I ruled.

Kelly wrote that their new child is an unknown entity.

Who knows if we got this quote?

Who knows if we got a tank smasher?

It's true.

Some skin babies are tank smashers.

Some skin babies are tank smashers.

Oh,

I feel for you.

But I'm, I'm going to, I'm, no.

Got to get those blob babies.

I mean, you know, look, your husband can take mercy upon you

and voluntarily put it off.

But there is no mercy in the court of Judge John Hodgman.

The fake law is the fake law.

As soon as that older child hits that fourth birthday,

your husband is legally, internet legally allowed to get those blob babies and make sure that they're kept in a child-proof tank free from smashers.

I know you're not going to like this, Kayleigh, but I got to stick by the ruling.

I apologize.

The safest thing would be to get the jellyfish tank and then get a separate tank for the children.

If I recall correctly, the jellyfish tank was going to be kept in a den area anyway.

It needs to be, I mean, like all things in your home,

you should be evaluating it for child safety.

And if that means putting it in a child off-limits area, if you have that available to you, I think that would be a happy solution.

Just let your husband go into his tank room, close the door, lock it from the outside, and then you can have a happy family without him.

Let him raise those blob babies forever.

The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodman.

Hang on, hang on.

Let me just pull the tribunal back there.

Cylon leader, Cylon pilot, Cylon navigator.

Are you receiving me?

We're receiving you, John.

This is an unprecedented situation, and a court of appeals, we've never had one before.

But a court of appeals usually has three judges.

So since you're sitting in that odd way anyway,

what are your votes?

Jellyfish tanker, no?

Hmm.

Just go with your gut.

My gut says no.

I don't want to overturn settled law in this court, but my gut says my gut receives the plea for mercy okay jennifer marmer what is your vote my vote is not yet

uh their lives are too wild right now with the newborn

taking care of blob babies on top of regular babies

that's another no uh okay roby what is your vote i also say no and i say for the time being how about a nice jellyfish screensaver That would be great.

Let's get Berkeley Systems on the line.

Well, thank you, all three of you.

And in the parlance of the Cylons, by your command, I can't believe it.

But Kaylee, you win.

I have been overruled by the tribunal of Cylons.

And thus, sorry, Kaylee's husband, hold on those jellies for another three years.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

We will not only see you next week, but also on on our live stream, no matter where you are.

That's Saturday, February 4th from SF Sketchfest.

You can get your tickets at sfsketchfest.com.

Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our editor, Valerie Moffat.

Our road producer sitting in this week, Richard Roby.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Follow us there.

You can see,

I got to tell you, people sometimes think that I'm like faking my my dog laughs.

Yeah.

I love seeing if the dog is doing, if the pet is doing something funny, like, again, I don't just want to see a picture of your pretty golden retriever.

Right.

I mean, I'm glad to look at it.

I like them as much as the next guy, but you're not going to get an audible reaction to me from just a nice dog pic.

Yeah.

But if your dog or cat for that matter, or even

a tortoise or a gerbil is doing something funny.

Something funny.

Yeah, send it to me.

And yes, a single snaggle tooth on already one of the funniest dogs.

Yep.

That is enough.

I am sincerely laughing at a dog that is like a

flat-faced pile of blob with one tooth sticking out.

It's hilarious.

Look at the Instagram and tell me I'm wrong.

Don't tell me I'm wrong, or I'll exercise my block finger.

Check out the maximum fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com.

That's also where we go to ask people for titles these days.

It's over there, that fun

fun subreddit, maximumfun.redddit.com.

And Jesse, you know,

we recently released our 600th episode.

I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

Because, you know, after a while, birthdays, you stop celebrating them once you get my age.

And I'm really just holding out until we can celebrate our 666th episode.

That's the next one I'm going to make a big deal out of.

But it doesn't mean that it didn't happen.

And it's been such a pleasure to make all these episodes with you and Maximum Fun, our current producers and editors, and those who helped us in the past.

And

I was wondering if our audience has any disputes having to do with anniversaries, notable dates, reunions.

I have a college reunion coming up.

Did you receive a leather gift on your copper anniversary?

It's a true faux pas.

This is a conductive anniversary.

Did you get into a dispute with someone at your high school reunion or did you settle one?

Or do you have a beef still?

Has someone ever forgotten your birthday?

And how did that make you feel?

And what did you do about it?

Tell us about it.

We're looking for anniversary disputes.

Write them in to maximumfund.org slash JJ H.

O.

Settling a dispute at a high school reunion, I like.

No case is too small, so remember to submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

MaximumFund.org.

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