The Egg, The Nog and the Holy Sprite (RERUN)

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

I'm Judge John Hodgman.

Well, we have a special episode this holiday.

It's our first ever Judge John Hodgman office holiday party.

Longtime listeners may remember this episode.

I was unfortunately, I believe, I was very ill on this day.

We've all had a lot of things going on, and this was one of those cold winter days where Jennifer Marmor and Joel Mann and I got together in person and virtually up in Maine, and we shared holiday recipes that had been submitted by you, the listener,

responding to the prompt, what is your grossest family holiday traditional recipe?

And this brought in a lot of interesting foods that we made and ate and shared, including the famous tomato soup salad.

Haven't you ever wanted to combine tomato soup with gelatin and cream cheese?

Of course you did.

And I feel like I have not stopped hearing you two

talk about

combining eggnog and orange soda, which you loved.

It was really great.

It was really great.

This year, everybody, Jesse and listeners, if you haven't tried it already,

while you're listening to this episode, pause this episode.

Go and see if your supermarket still has some eggnog left.

Check the date.

Get some orange soda, Fanta Crush.

I don't care what kind it is, Boylans.

Mix it up.

You figure it out.

One to one, two to one.

Try it.

It's truly a delicious delight.

And I'll tell you something else that happened between this episode and now

I added a little Jaegermeister to mine.

Wow.

And it became

a true holiday in my mouth.

But

there's a lot of fun, disgusting stuff.

There's a lot of

disgusting stuff.

And then there's some really delicious stuff that takes us by surprise in this episode.

We had a really good time.

And we also have some wonderful messages from your friends of the court on their holiday favorites.

So I hope that you enjoy this rerun of our holiday office party.

Happy New Year if you celebrate it.

If this is your calendar, to you, our audience, our listeners, to you, Jesse Thorne, to you, Jennifer Marmer.

I see you there.

Happy New Year, and I hope that 2023

is better than the last one and as okay as possible.

Here we go.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Do not adjust your podcast set.

I am not Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

I'm Judge John Hodgman.

Unfortunately, Bailiff Jesse Thorne had a headache today.

But we miss him and we hope that he's feeling better.

I am joined by another member of the J Squad, Jennifer Marmor.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello to Los Angeles.

How are you, Jennifer Marmor?

I'm doing great.

Got the holiday spirit.

Doing as okay as possible?

I would say today I'm okay plus.

Okay plus.

Terrific.

Me too.

Yeah.

Even though I've been cooking all morning, because

today is our big virtual holiday office party for the Judge John Hodgman offices.

They are closed for the day so that we may virtually enjoy each other's company and say and do things that we are going to regret in the office.

No, everything's going to be great.

That's what an office holiday party is all about.

Exactly so.

And

as even though we are missing Jesse very much, we have a surprise member of the J Squad, Joel Mann is here.

Hello, Joel.

Happy holidays, Judge.

Happy holidays to you as well, Joel.

It's the happiest I've ever seen you, frankly.

Well, it's dark outside.

Okay, back to, we are in Maine.

It is 1.36 p.m.

in Maine, so it is starting to get dark.

That is true.

And here I am again, as it is holiday time.

Here I am again in the state of Maine in the wonderful solar-powered offices of WERU Community Radio in Maine, 89.9 Blue Hill, 99.9 Bangor, and of course, on the web at WERU.org.

And Joel,

I got to tell you, the radio station is looking really spiffy.

We've been working hard since you left.

You've been building a lot of walls.

You built a new

front reception area.

Keeping people safe.

You closed off a window to make a merch shelf.

That's right.

I can't see you when you drive up anymore.

No, and you've got a very fancy new board.

Yes.

I mean, I spied a look at it through the window.

We are, of course, are in separate compartments here at WERU.

You're just a glare to me.

But I did catch a glimpse of it, and it looks very, I think, you know what, I think this is Judge John Hodgman Listener's donation money in action, right?

Possible.

WERU.org.

Probable, I'd say.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm sure we've raised dozens and dozens of dollars.

That board, you know what?

You should name one knob after me on that board.

We'll give you the Bluetooth.

All right.

Those are my other options.

You're on Mike 3.

We could call you Mike 3.

We'll put your name on Mike 3.

How about that?

Just the Judge John Hodgman Memorial, Mike?

Yeah, we'll put a little something there.

Memorial?

Yes, in memory of me.

You don't have to be...

have passed this mortal coil in order to have a memorial, do you?

I feel like it's kind of

okay, then just the Judge John Hodgman.

Look, I don't know, because I'm not a donor to things where I make people name things after me, like certain people who donate to colleges that I am aware of.

Yeah,

I want to be slider number three.

That's the Judge John Hodgman slider.

Okay, we'll make it happen.

And we'll pull one down for Jennifer Marmor and Bailiff Jesse Thorne as well.

We'll pick those out later in the episode.

We'll figure out what they're going to be.

Okay.

Memorialized.

Not memorialized on.

In honor of.

In honor of.

Honorary.

Honorary.

There you go.

There you go.

There we go.

There you go.

So this episode was inspired by a letter that we received some time ago from a listener named Dan.

I don't know where Dan was writing from, Jennifer Marmor, but you know what letter this is.

I do.

I don't think he said where he was writing from.

No, I'm sure he was embarrassed.

Well, at least his friend should be.

He wrote, I'd like to request your sage wisdom regarding an issue that arises for me every single holiday season.

My friend, excuse me, my dear friend Matt insists that the best way to drink eggnog is to mix it with sprite.

I believe this is egregiously vile.

Please, I'm not asking for a ruling that Matt should stop liking or drinking his weird, arguably curdled Yuletide beverage, but I also believe that there are some things that we can and should freely deem not good.

like eggnog with sprite.

And I talked about this on the podcast, and I put out a call for listeners,

weird, unusual, or simply traditional holiday drinks, beverages, apps, and snacks.

And in fact, not only is eggnog enjoyed with sprite by some people, but Pam near Seattle drinks eggnog with orange soda.

So, Joel,

we're going to try these

nogcoctions.

And I will finally offer Dan the justice he request, but not

till the end of the episode.

We have some other things to try first, because that'll be the big finale.

What a tease.

What a professional radio person.

You want to know how professional I am?

I already thought of a title for this episode.

Ooh.

Yeah.

You want to know what it's called?

I would love to know what it's called.

The egg, the nog, and the holy sprite.

I even got Joel to laugh.

We're going to open with cocktails, then we'll have a break, and then we'll move on to mains, and then we'll have a break, and then we'll have our dessert, which is very exciting.

I'll give you a teaser, Joel.

The dessert, our dessert course

was submitted by a listener and it involves an ingredient that is well beloved or tolerated at least in New England, a native New England ingredient called fluff, marshmallow fluff.

That's for a little while.

First we're going to start with an opening little cocktail because I think we should get the one alcoholic thing out of the way first

so that by the time this is over, we can drive safely home.

Okay.

So please get your bottle of your mini bottle of Jaegermeister.

Are you joining us in this tipple, Jennifer Marmor, or not?

I'm not.

It's 10.40 a.m.

where I am.

I know it's 5 o'clock somewhere, but I got to drive to Arizona tonight.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Then you don't want to drink this.

This, of course, is a.

I've never drank this.

You've never had Jaegermeister?

No, I've heard about it.

Really?

No, this is this was.

I discovered this, guess what, in college.

Surprise, surprise.

What?

So did I.

It is a German,

it's equivalent of an Italian amaro.

I'll open it up.

It smells good.

Yeah,

it's a highly aromatic German,

I guess you would call it DJST for it.

And, you know, back at the time when monks would cook up herbal remedies,

alcohol is a universal solvent.

And when you thought that you could be healed by drinking nuts and berries and stuff,

you would dissolve herbal remedies into alcohol, and the monks would give it to you.

And that's why, you know, chartreuse started as a herbal remedy.

Bitters, all the bitters that you have, that you put in cocktails.

That was all a way of preserving patent medicine.

And so I don't know if this was, oh, you know, Jennifer Marmor, you ever have Fernette Branca?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Same deal.

That was composed by an apothecary to heal various ailments you might have, much like Moxie Soda was originally billed as Moxie nerve food because it had gention root in it.

So this is an aromatic,

it smells like

pine cones steeped in gin.

Pour that into your cup.

I gave you one cup in there, Joel.

All of it?

Yeah, because you're going to have one initial sip, just of it of it regular.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I usually never drink before noon, but.

Well, it's 1:44 p.m.

here, remember?

So maybe you shouldn't have anything.

Just a sip.

Hmm.

Sweet, licoricey.

Very, very licoricey.

That's what.

Yeah, one, you know, because

one dares to say eczemacy, you know.

And this is reputed to be disgusting enough on its own.

That was always the deal, that

you would drink it to prove that you would drink it.

But listener Tom wrote in in response to our call for interesting holiday drinks, snacks, traditions, et cetera, to say that he was introduced to a concoction by an East German exchange student, Norbert.

I don't know if I have permission to use his whole name, but I'm going to.

Norbert Wolfgang Fransel,

known as Nobby to his mates,

during Norbert's stay with listener Tom's family in 2001,

Nabi told us of his alleged Christmas tradition of watching the German U-boat movie Das Boot.

You ever see that submarine movie, Joel?

I did.

Yeah.

How many thumbs up?

I'll give it a three and a half out of five.

Three and a half out of five, Das Boat.

Okay, great.

This is a great movie podcast.

And they would watch Dustboat and they would drink Jaegermeister with orange juice.

And this tribute to me feels like,

I mean, you're already drinking something that tastes like toothpaste.

So I don't know how much you want to add to this, but I'm going to add this orange juice.

Until it looks like orange juice.

You know, I'm going to just do like a half and a half mixture to see if these things go.

It's not terrible.

No, it definitely tastes like something that would be rationed to you if you lived on a

you lived in a German submarine and were trapped.

Dasboat.

Dasboat.

Dasboat to you, Nobby and Tom.

My family had a cocktail tradition at this time, holiday time.

Oh, yeah, I neglected to ask you before this episode if you had any traditions, so I guess it's too late.

Moving on.

Okay.

What?

No, go ahead.

You can say your thing.

We made a cocktail Christmas Eve called the Red Russian.

Go on.

It's Kahlua.

Sure.

And tomato juice.

No.

That's not true.

Joel.

My wife used to attend a bar in New York City, I forget where, and they had the worst

bartender night, and people would come in and make these horrible things, and that was one of them.

Tomato juice and Kahlua.

Kahlua, yep.

Yikes.

Jennifer Marmor, I seem to recall

going to a Max Fun.

Speaking of tomatoes, Jennifer Marmor,

the last Max Fun holiday party that I attended in Los Angeles in the American Cement Building,

who was it there who made the tomato soup cake that was all the rage?

That was KT.

Yeah, KT made that tomato soup cake.

You ever a tomato soup cake, Joel?

Never.

It's a cake.

It's a cake made with a can of tomato soup.

Keep this in mind.

Might come up later.

It was actually pretty delicious.

It was very wintry.

Yeah, it was.

A lot of spices in it and so forth.

Warming spices.

Someday we'll go back to have

an in-person holiday party, I hope.

What do you like to have at the holiday party?

You like to have a little punch, holiday punch?

I'm not a big holiday punch.

A lot of the holiday punches, at least at my friends' parties that they throw for the holidays, involve a bourbon.

And

I don't do well with dark liquors.

Right.

That's headache in a bowl.

Plus, we can't.

Exactly.

We can't have an an open bowl of punch anymore.

That has to stop, right?

There's no way that's going to work.

I tend to go for just like a red wine, just a classic climate red wine.

You can't get into too much trouble with red wine.

Nah.

Let me tell you,

speaking of the color red and speaking of mulling warming spices.

Joel, you have a thermos.

This is filled with a concoction we've talked about on the show many a time.

This is mulled Dr.

Pepper.

Are you having any mulled Dr.

Pepper with this, Jennifer Marmer?

I am.

Oh, I just got a mug.

Yeah.

Too bad, John, but I just can't, this won't open up.

No, I closed it up tight so it wouldn't spill on the car, but you can open it.

It's still warm.

I mulled this myself.

Now, there are many recipes for mulled Dr.

Pepper out there, Joel and Jennifer.

Oh, he's having a sip.

The things that the listeners write in about, well, you can say whatever you want, but you can be as mean about this as you like because

this is a Dr.

Pepper creation.

This is not some listener's improvisation.

This is not Nobby with his Jaeger and OJ or

the other fellow with the eggnog and sprite.

No, this is just wrong.

Oh, no.

This is just wrong.

You don't care for it?

I'll try it again.

Well, I mean, okay, so I'll explain to you.

Maybe if I gave you some historical context, you might be more interested in it.

In the 1950s, soda pop sales were plummeting.

And so Dr.

Pepper came up with this idea to sell more Dr.

Pepper.

And they took out big full-page ads and magazines suggesting hot Dr.

Pepper for the holidays.

And it tried very hard to catch on.

They tried many years.

Now, there are recipes all over the place.

for warm Dr.

Pepper or mulled Dr.

Pepper that involve a lot of extra sugar and all kinds of different aromatics.

The classic recipe, according to the Dr.

Pepper Full Page magazine ads, is just heat up some Dr.

Pepper on the stove, then pour it over a lemon.

I did that, but I also added some cloves because

you detected the cloves.

I did

and I also had some dried orange peel, so maybe I'm the one who messed it up.

I just did the classic Dr.

Pepper over lemon slices.

I didn't want to mess with the recipe too much.

Have you tried any yet?

I just took a sip because I couldn't wait any longer.

Cheers.

Well, then I'll have some.

Cheers.

Yeah, I don't mind it, Joel.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah,

it's not as offensive as I thought it was going to be.

I think that I may have messed up this batch, Joel, because I mulled it with lemon instead of just pouring it over the lemon.

So the lemon is a little overpowering in this one to me.

It's not as bad as it seems to be.

I did that too, but I like that lemoniness.

I like the lemoniness, but

it's really hitting a no-man's land where Dr.

Pepper and Theraflu meet for me.

It's not.

Oh,

yeah.

You get that feeling, right?

Yeah.

I mean, Dr.

Pepper is a delicate blend of different.

Dr.

Pepper also started as a patent medicine.

That's why it's a Dr.

Pepper and not a Mr.

Pib.

No.

You know, Coca-Cola, Moxie, Dr.

Pepper, they were all non-alcoholic patent medicines that just were full of cocaine.

Yeah, cocaine and cola nut, right?

Literally, cocaine

and cola nut is Coca-Cola.

And you would sell it at soda.

That's why they had soda fountains at pharmacies because you went there to do cocaine.

Oh, those were the days, I guess.

My only reference for this type of drink for a very long time was the movie Blast from the Past, from like the 90s, starring Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken.

Is that the one where he's stuck in the

bomb shelter?

Right.

Yeah.

He grows up in a bomb shelter.

Exactly.

And the dad would drink hot Dr.

Pepper.

And I thought that was just a weird quirk from the movie, like this weird character.

And then later in life, I learned that that was a real thing.

It's a real thing.

Here's a question.

Jennifer Marmor.

Would you ever do it again?

Would you have it and serve it to a guest?

I don't know if I would.

I don't know if if I were throwing a party, I don't know if I would make it

an option unless it was like a, isn't this fun and kitschy?

I'm so goofy.

Warm Dr.

Pepper.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, I'm going to say that I would give it another try.

We're not having any guests for the holiday this year for reasons that should be obvious.

But

in what I hope is a year's time

when we have someone over for a winter

tete a tete, I might try it again because I'm afraid that I messed it up.

You know, I think that I went overboard when I shouldn't have.

So you want to do a redemption mold, Dr.

Pepper?

A redemption.

I believe this doctor deserves.

I think this doctor doesn't.

It's malpractice.

This doctor deserves a second chance.

There's no reason for it.

There's no reason for it.

Joel, I was going to ask you, how many thumbs up do you give to, what's the name of the movie again?

Dasboot.

No, the other one, Jennifer Marmor.

Blast from the Past.

Blast from the Past.

Brendan Fraser.

How many thumbs up?

Never saw it.

Never saw it.

So how many thumbs up would you say?

Probably would you guess one?

Maybe.

When?

Okay.

If it has this drink in it, yeah, maybe one.

It has this drink in it, that's for sure.

All right, well,

hang on one second while I just, I'm going to have, you know what?

I'm having another sip.

I'm not moving on.

Hang on.

Yeah, I drank multiple sips of it, even though I'm neutral at best.

Yeah.

It definitely has

the feeling, the taste of Theraflu, which has a taste that I like.

Well, yeah, I do like a hot lemon water.

So I think that's where that's scratching that itch for me.

But then the sweetness of the Dr.

Pepper makes me want to keep coming back.

Yeah, I wonder wonder what would happen if you put a little headache bourbon into this.

I don't know.

Kids who are listening, don't try that.

But if you do, let me know how it tastes.

Yeah.

So we were going to move on to appetizers, and we will, I promise you.

But before we do, because, Joel, you said the magic words, tomato soup.

Anytime someone says tomato soup, scream real loud.

I actually have, I added to the menu, Jennifer Marmor doesn't even have this, I added to the menu just for fun, a last-minute edition that I received from a listener named Will.

This is

something I'm very excited to try.

For obvious reasons, I made it last night.

Will writes, one of my favorite family dishes is, quote, tomato soup salad that we serve at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

or whenever there's a big indoor spread.

It probably comes from some sort of horrible 1950s gelatin mold-based cookbook, but we don't have the original source.

My grandmother always made it, and she's from Milo, Maine.

What do you know about Milo?

Aside from their love of tomato soup salad, Joel.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Me neither.

That's all we know.

That's what it's known for.

It can be served as a side, and Joel Mann, I'm here to tell you.

It is in the oblong rectangular Tupperware container that you should have in front of you.

I'm going to get mine.

Now, don't eat it yet.

This is a salad?

Stand by.

Wait a minute.

Whoa.

Now, Joel, first of all, I do apologize for the presentation.

I have served this to you in a small glass,

not Tupperware, but you know, food-saving rectangle.

It's supposed to be served, you're supposed to make it in a ring mold,

like any other gelatin salad, like an ambrosia salad you might have in the 1950s or 60s.

Okay.

Jennifer Marmor, I'm showing you the consistency of it.

What does it look like to you, Jennifer Marmor?

It looks like a solid brick of like a tomato bisque soup.

Yeah.

Color.

Yeah, well, it starts with cream of tomato soup.

That's the first ingredient.

Listener Will recommended Amy's organic brand of cream of tomato soup.

And then you heat that up, and then you add two packets of unflavored gelatin.

And then after that all dissolves, and it takes a little while, try to sprinkle in the gelatin first because I know you're all going to want to make this.

So don't, you know, you don't want to make a mistake.

Then you add four ounces of cream cheese and you let that soften.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, you might want to turn down slide.

What's your slider?

Mine?

Yeah.

The memorial,

the Joel Mann honorary slider.

Yep.

Because this is going to kill me.

It's honorary now, will become memorial very shortly.

No, this isn't going to kill you.

After you soften up the cream cheese in there,

you add three-quarter cups of mayonnaise.

I used Hellman's.

If you're west of the Mississippi, you can use best foods.

Then you can add a quarter cup finely chopped green pepper and a quarter cup finely chopped onion,

and then a quarter cup diced celery, which is optional, and I chose not to do it because I wanted to be done with this.

And then you put it into a ring mold.

And you, you know, refrigerate it overnight like any gelatinized salad.

Of course.

It's not a diaphanized kitten.

It's a gelatinized salad.

So this is it.

So

it looks like a beautiful placid lake of tomato, cream of tomato soup.

Now, Jennifer Marmer, this is gelatin.

Do you dare me to turn this over above my computer keyboard?

I double-dog dare you.

I did it.

It didn't fall out.

It's not going anywhere.

It's like the DQ Blizzard of soup salad.

It doesn't jiggle.

It barely moves.

And now we're going to try it.

You and me, Joel, we're going to try it.

All right.

This is.

What would you say?

How would you say it smells?

It smells like tomato soup.

Yeah.

It smells like it's weird because it's a cold gelatin that has savory elements in it.

This is weird.

I agree with you.

I mean, this is why.

Why do people do this?

People did this all the time.

There are so many gelatin salads.

Oh, my God.

I'm astounded.

But you know, the aftertaste really isn't that bad.

No, it tastes like...

Yeah, yeah.

Let me try another one.

Oh.

Wow.

Second bite.

Well, the first one was just barely a bite.

And Will says that this can be served as a side

or

sliced thick and put on a sandwich.

with even more mayonnaise.

I mean, I'll tell you what,

if you wanted to have a tomato soup sandwich, this is the only way to do it.

Sure.

It tastes like pretty good tomato soup.

But I'm going to need to rinse this off with some Jaeger meister.

Hey, let's take a break.

We'll be back in a moment with more Judge John Hodgman.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Hey, we're back on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This is our holiday office party.

It's me, Judge John Hodgman, with producer Jennifer Marmor.

Hello, Jennifer.

Hello.

And we are coming to you from the solar-powered studios of W-E-R-U in Orland, Maine, W-E-R-U.org.

and that means Joel Mann is also here.

Hello, Joel.

Bonjour, cevas.

I forgot.

Maine is a partially francophonic state.

Bonjour, hui sava.

Sava bien.

A2.

Merci.

Vala.

Jennifer Marmor, it wouldn't be a holiday party without some surprise guests ding-donging at the door.

Did anybody happen to come by?

Yeah, we heard from frequent guest bailiff in front of the court, Jean Gray.

She wanted to tell us some of her favorite holiday foods and her New Year's resolutions.

Hi, I'm Jean Gray.

Holiday foods, this time of year, winter foods, my favorite thing,

stuff that can simmer all day.

I love anything that makes the house smell great.

And, you know, it just makes you feel cozy and great, like

braised short rib.

Oh man, like a red wine, braised short rib.

And when you're cooking that, don't just use the bottle of red wine.

Don't, you know, don't, you don't have to do a broth.

What are you?

Punk?

What are you doing?

And also, don't ever cook with anything you wouldn't drink.

And I guess, yeah, wines.

I like a wine.

I like a bougelet when I'm cooking so I'm not like getting hammered and I can still make it all the way through to the end of the evening where I want to do something a lot heavier that feels like that tastes like a library.

That's what I'm into.

A taste like a library and some leather chairs.

And if I want something more refreshing, I've gotten back into one of my old favorite drinks,

a corpse reviver number two, because I like a coop glass, and especially in the holidays, and it makes me feel like I'm outside, you know.

And it's also got a little, an absinthe rinse, which is funny to say.

Ooh, resolutions.

I've been doing the one minute thing where if something around the house or whatever it is is just going to take me like one minute or two minutes to do, I just go ahead and get it done.

Like I think we all line up so many things and then when you do them you realize how quickly it could have gotten done.

And then when you look back you're like, now I have 300 things.

But it's it's been great to do it and look back and be like, oh, I only have 50 things.

Still things.

We're all still going to have things, but

it helps.

So you're not just, your motivation for doing everything isn't anxiety.

And then you can make yourself a corpse revival or pour yourself a giant glass of really good wine

and eat short ribs.

Oh, Gene Gray, I'm a friend of the court, friend of me personally, friend of the world.

Thank you so much for saying hi.

I miss you so much.

And that's good advice.

Drink what you, if you drink, and it's fine if you don't, drink what

tastes like a library.

Is that what she said?

Yes.

Yeah, that's good advice.

Okay, now we are ready to move on to appetizers.

Here comes the tray of past apps, starting with

Iowa Dill Pickle Spears.

But it's not just pickle.

This one comes from a listener named Samantha who writes, My family in Iowa has a couple of weird holiday foods for you.

Both are Easter traditions.

Okay, so this is an Easter tradition.

First, a classic appetizer.

I'll decide.

Dill pickle spears wrapped in cream cheese and deli ham, rolled up and sliced like sushi.

Fancy toothpicks encouraged.

And I did, Joel, you will note that I did use the Le Le Dance.

toothpicks, the ones that have the little,

you know, they have a little design carved into them.

I gave you very high marks on presentation.

Thank you very much.

Very nice.

How would you describe what what you're looking at right now, Joel?

And I'm holding it up for Jennifer Marmor to see in Los Angeles.

Scary as hell.

Okay, but can you describe it?

Well, like you say, the really fancy toothpick.

Okay.

That's always a plus.

Now look down from there, and you'll see the food on the end.

And you have a pickle.

I'm just taking your words from Iowa.

Right.

Some kind of cheese, something cream around the end.

Cream cheese

wrapped around the pickle.

Pite size.

Right, and then what's wrapped around the cream cheese?

Ham.

All right.

Now listen, Samantha, I'm going to to try this.

This was very difficult to make.

I'm going to eat the whole thing, not just a bite.

Yeah, no, that's going to go for it.

All right, I'm going to cover my microphone while I eat mine.

Let the record show, Judge Hodgman is covering his microphone.

Very responsible judge.

Huh?

Chewing.

Huh.

I'm going to have another one.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't opt to join you two on this one because A, don't like pickles.

Don't like dill.

It's something that's like really difficult for me.

Whoa.

It's like, you know how people have that cilantro thing?

I think that's how I feel about dill.

But anyway, and I also don't eat pork.

Not a Jewish thing.

I just don't eat it.

But I had all the supplies ready to make some Iowa dill pickle spears sushi rolls for Bailiff Jesse, but didn't make them.

Well, Bailiff Jesse has dodged this dilly bullet.

I'm going to say there's only one, like, the fact that you don't like dill is fascinating to me.

And And you don't like pickles.

Like, what if it's not a dill pick?

I like pickled, other pickled things.

Like, you know, like a Mediterranean pickled veggie, you know, on the side of, like, a...

That I can, you know, get down with.

You're not against vinegar and salt.

No, salt and vinegar is my favorite potato chip.

Right, there you go.

It's basically a pickled chip.

But don't get a dill pickled chip because that's going to be very dilly.

I think it should be a different kind of pickle.

I think this pickle is a little bland.

If you had a kosher or something with a little more pop, it would be better.

This is,

I'm going to tell you that these are fresh dill pickle spears, the taste of inspirations, which is the house brand for the upscale stuff that they sell at the Tradewinds, Joel.

Yeah.

And you know something, Joel?

I'm feeling a deep regret.

Do you know why?

Why?

Well, do you know the, and this is not a sponsor of the podcast, but Grillo's pickles?

They come from Boston.

They come in tubs.

They have a little cartoon pickle on the front.

It's a cartoon of a pickle hanging out on a lawn chair.

You've never seen these?

They have them there at the Trade Winds.

I think I have, yes.

And I had my hand yesterday on one of those because I like those Grillo pickles quite a bit.

And I noticed that they were the hot brand.

They were spicy.

There you go.

That's cool.

And that probably would have worked better, right?

Absolutely.

Shoot.

Because it's not bad.

That probably would have worked great, but it wouldn't have been consistent, I think, with the Iowa tradition.

I guess not, I suppose.

I mean, I don't know how Iowan this really is, but I was going to say, like,

when you said, I don't like pickles and I don't like dill, that was fascinating to me.

It stopped me in my tracks because the tracks were heading directly to me having another bite.

So I'm

covering the microphone.

Yeah, have another bite.

My husband grew up in the Midwest in,

you know, a small town in central Illinois, and I think his family did these types of pickle pickle spears as well.

You know, you don't have to be in the Midwest to have Midwestern food.

That's true.

What this reminded me of,

and it was a very deep sense memory, Proustian

Ratatouille style sense memory,

was when I grew up and went and visited my grandmother and grandfather in Philadelphia, they would have what's called Lebanon bologna, which is named for Lebanon, Pennsylvania, which is like a kind of highly smoked

salami, really, more than a bologna.

And it has a very deep, smoky flavor.

And they would wrap that around cream cheese and put little,

whatchamacallit, legant toothpicks in.

And boy, I would eat like 25 of those at a sitting.

That would be very good.

You know,

if you don't eat pork,

and why should you?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure that, and you don't like dill pickles.

This is not for you, Jennifer Marmor, for sure.

No, no, but that's fine.

Good for you, not for me.

Yeah, and I'm going to tell you this, listeners, Samantha.

This was,

I'll say it's classic.

This is a classic flavor.

Sure, why not?

But this was not easy to make.

You should thank whoever taught you this or made it for you.

Because

spreading, first of all,

you can't put cream cheese on a pickle and then wrap ham around it.

That's not how

cream cheese is going to slide off that pickle.

You have to do, you have to, you have to, you have to spread cream cheese onto the ham and then put the pickle in it and then roll it up like a sushi.

That's right.

But even then, you're going to, first of all, you've got to have the softest room temperature cream cheese in the world.

You've got to have some really tough ham.

I mean, you got to have some tough ham that's not going to fall apart as you're spreading cream cheese all over it.

And I would suggest not using a full, cut those spears in half, make them a little smaller.

Okay, we're going to take a little break.

And speaking of the Midwest, when we come back after this little break, we're going to be going out to, where did Shane grow up?

Where did your husband grow up?

Tuscola, Illinois.

For a Pang Burn family favorite.

This is Jennifer Marmor's mothers-in-law,

chicken and noodles and mashed potatoes.

We'll be right back.

And we're back.

It's the Judge John Hodgman Holiday Office Party.

I'm here in the studios of WERU in Maine.

Joel Mann is across the glass from me.

Jennifer Marmor is in Los Angeles.

We've been trying some of the family favorite holiday, dare I say oddball, food traditions of our listeners, including the tomato soup salad, which is, I really should not have it in front of me because it's very distracting.

This recipe comes to us from Hollis, as in Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC.

Exactly.

And also this person.

Every Christmas morning, my family had waffles with gravy and waffles with ice cream.

You had to have one with gravy before you had any with ice cream.

The ice cream flavors ran the gamut, and we frequently had three or five cartons open for breakfast as the youngest of 11 children.

This is not an unreasonable amount.

Wow.

But you had to have that waffle with gravy first, and they had two kinds of gravy.

One was your classic sausage gravy, which is what you eat over biscuits.

And the other was something I had never heard of and cannot find on the internet called penny gravy, which is sausage gravy, but instead of sausage, it's hot dogs.

Joel?

God.

Jennifer Marma, this is what it looks like.

Very appetizing.

Looks like sliced hot dogs, all right.

Sliced hot dogs in a white gravy, a cream gravy with black pepper.

And I made this this morning, Joel, with love and a mask on and brought it to you in your own separate container.

We've taken turns to heat it up in the microwave.

I'm going to tell you right now, probably could have used some more time in the microwave.

It is obviously no longer creamy because it has traveled 22 miles in the main winter.

But why don't you, you can try it with the waffle if you want or just on its own.

I'm going to try the whole thing.

Get the perfect bite.

Now, it's called penny gravy, and I can only imagine because

the hot dog slices look like pennies.

They have that brown copper center.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, Joel, this is Hollis's family tradition.

Hollis is a a listener, probably a supporter of maximum fun,

maybe someone who even donated to weru.org during your pledge drive to buy you that new fancy sound mixing board you got.

And I'll also remind you, Joel,

I made this myself this morning.

So what do you have to say about it?

This is one of the best things I've ever eaten.

Oh, wait a minute.

If, if, if.

If I was lost in the main woods and starving and it was cold and dark.

How dare you?

How dare you?

There we go.

I'm going to tell you something, Joel.

Yes, Judge.

Jennifer Marmer.

Yeah.

I don't like to pat my own back here, but this is one of the best things I've ever eaten.

Now, I had the benefit of having it before it congealed

in a paper bowl on its way up here.

I did cover it.

I covered it with cling wrap, but I didn't have that press and seal in my favorite stuff.

You cook, right?

Well, I did this.

But normally, do you cook?

Yeah, I cook all the time.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

And this is the best thing you've ever had.

No, I'm just saying I was very surprised that I liked this.

That you liked it.

Okay.

Now,

here's the thing, Hollis, I'm going to offer you a tremendous amount of thanks because I have never made a milk gravy or a cream gravy,

that white gravy that is part of sausage gravy before.

I never knew how to do it.

This has been my year of making roux.

Everyone else was making sourdough in the past two years.

I was making roux and a roux of course is a mixture of flour and a fat of some kind as a thickening agent.

You cook flour and fat together roughly equal proportions and it's there to thicken a gravy or a stew or a soup or something like that.

And it's a little, it seems very tricky but it's not.

And you cook the flour and the fat together and it gets darker in color and that's how you make like a like a gumbo, like a really dark gumbo.

You let it go very, very what they call a chocolate roux or a dark chocolate roux.

But with a light gravy like this,

you just barely cook it and then you add milk

and it forms a gravy.

Now, normally you would do this with sausage.

Oh, by the way, Joel, I got you a fresh biscuit from the chicken place at the gas station on my way here.

Try it with a biscuit.

No chicken?

No, no chicken.

He's off the chicken.

You know, I am off the chicken, but Jennifer Marma, this reminds me.

You know what a big tradition is on Christmas Eve in Japan?

Oh, what's that?

Joel, you have a guess?

Japan.

It's right in front of you, buddy.

Hot dogs?

Close.

Fried chicken.

Oh, fried chicken.

KFC.

It is a big tradition in contemporary Japan to eat Kentucky fried chicken on Christmas Eve.

I don't know how it started, but people reserve their KFC meals.

In advance, weeks, maybe months, I don't know, to make sure that they got their Christmas Eve Kentucky fried chicken.

So I could have brought you some fried chicken from the place, but instead I brought you a biscuit.

Try putting this on a biscuit,

this penny gravy on a biscuit.

I think it would be better with sausage.

The hot dog kind of, you know.

Well, Joel, I know.

I do know.

You need to elevate it a little bit.

Well, I know a sausage gravy is what you would traditionally put on a biscuit.

I don't know where they got this waffle idea.

I just put a couple of eggos on a plate.

That's the worst part of it.

I was going to ask what your waffle method was.

All right.

Turn down my slider so I can have another bite and you talk to them for a second, Joel.

Tell me one of your favorite holiday traditions.

Well, that's funny you should ask that.

My favorite holiday tradition that happens the week before Christmas,

you guessed it.

I'm getting my gallon of scallops today.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's so exciting.

I tell you, I am really excited.

I forgot about your scallop gallons.

He walks right out of the water and hands them to me.

That's what you said last time.

That's not true.

He didn't walk right out of the water.

water.

He dives.

He's out there diving right now from my scallops in Castine Bay.

And you go down to the Castine Bay?

You wait for him to come out of there?

He calls me.

He says, come on down.

He calls you from under the water.

He's under the water?

When he's up, you know, with the scallops.

Right.

So you don't see him arise from the deep like a creature from the black lagoon without a gallon of scallops or something.

That's what I pictured.

He's just sitting on his boat.

I may have to get some of those scallops.

Tell you, nothing better.

And how do you cook them?

Well, there's this old women's club cookbook from the 70s in Castine.

I love those.

And it's called Scalloped Scallops a la Castine.

Wait a minute, you say scalloped scallops?

Scallops?

Right.

Scalloped is not a scallop.

Scalloped is a pattern.

No, you don't say a scalloped potato.

I know, but even in Maine, you don't, even in New England, you don't say scalloped?

Scalloped.

Scalloped scallops.

A la castine.

A la castine.

Yes.

I understand.

And you cut them up, the scallops, like in half, and you put them flat.

You don't pile them on top of each other.

And then you pour Ritz crackers, crumble them up all over that, and work them into that.

And then you take heavy cream and sherry and pour it over that until it's above the scallops.

And then you put another coating of Ritz crackers

into the oven 30 minutes.

You'll never taste anything like it.

Wow.

You didn't make any for me and bring it all the way up here for us to microwave?

I don't have them.

Maybe next week.

Yeah, maybe next week.

Hey, we got something else to microwave and I think it's going to microwave a lot better than this gravy did.

Yeah.

Sorry to microwave it, Jennifer Marma, but this is Shane, Your Husband's Mom's recipe for

Amish

question mark, chicken noodles.

Tell me about this thing.

They call them chicken noodles.

I mentioned this to you when we were talking about this episode because Bailey in Coralville, Iowa sent in a recipe that her wife's family uses called Amish Noodles.

And it's very similar to my mother-in-law's family's recipe.

Right.

Bailey wrote, my wife and her family have converted me to liking Amish noodles on mashed potatoes.

The noodles are boiled and cooked down in chicken stock to cover.

So they're almost in a gravy.

I was skeptical of this quote, carbs on carbs concoction, but I am now firmly on board.

And you said that this is something that your mother-in-law makes, because I think I was saying to you, Jennifer Marmor, this sounds like the most disgusting thing I could ever think of.

And you said, I'm insulted.

No, no, no.

I hadn't heard of tomato soup salad yet, so I didn't know.

Right, right.

It's all up from tomato soup salad.

But yeah, so my in-law's family, it's on my mother-in-law's side, so the Mason side.

They do these chicken noodles.

They don't do the mashed potatoes, but talking with my husband Shane about it that is something that they've heard of they know of people who do this type of noodle on on mashed potatoes our recipes are pretty similar between Bailey's in-laws and my in-laws we use

chicken and in the noodles as well as a can of cream of chicken soup yeah and a whole stick of butter A whole stick of butter.

That is the classic Grandma Mason

addition, whole stick of butter.

Listeners of this program may remember Grandma Mason as the woman who would wrap up a vidalia onion for her husband to take to restaurants with him.

I can't remember.

Was this just to gnaw on, or was he going to cut it up and add it to his salad or something?

It was sliced and added to his

burger or whatever.

You know, he had to have that vidalia onion.

You got to have that vidalia.

Yeah.

This is the recipe that you shared with me and the one that I made this morning.

Excellent.

Jen's mother-in-law's family chicken noodles recipe, colon.

Boil chicken broth.

Add egg noodles.

Parentheses.

She does not make these noodles from scratch, but her mother usually did and would buy them from time to time.

Cook for 20 minutes, stirring every five.

Add a stick of butter.

Add a can of cream of chicken soup.

Add shredded chicken.

Jennifer Marmer, you suggested grocery store rotisserie chicken.

Yeah.

Then let simmer.

Now,

I do enjoy cooking.

And I know that you do too, Joel.

What would you say is missing from this recipe?

I'm going to answer it for you.

Thank you.

Amounts.

Amounts of things.

Yeah.

Boiled chicken broth, unspecified amount, and egg noodles, unspecified amount.

A stick of butter and a can of cream of chicken soup, those are both standards, reasonable standards.

The can of cream of chicken soup is kind of a gross one, but they're reasonable.

I know what those are.

So I wrote to you, Jennifer Marmor, and I said,

how much noodles and how much broth?

And basically your answer was, shrug.

But that's because

your mother-in-law doesn't use recipes, is what you said, correct?

No.

You know, we asked my mother-in-law, you know, and she generally does adhere to a recipe very specifically.

Like, the cooking for 20 minutes, it is going to be exactly 20 minutes.

Like, I cut it a little bit short because I was like, this is cooked.

The broth is going away.

We need some of this broth.

So, like, I kind of eyeballed it.

This is the only recipe that she is comfortable having it be a guessing game because that's what her mother did.

Her mother never used a recipe.

So, when I asked for clarification, she essentially said shrug to me.

Wow.

Well, and you know, it makes sense because I'm sure it's one of these recipes that were taught from generation to generation in person.

And so

it was taught by eyeball, basically.

Right.

And had not been translated into a casting women's cookbook for scalloped scallops or anything like that.

Exactly.

So I had to improvise a little bit.

So I knew that both via your mother-in-law and Bailey's letter, the idea was to have just enough broth to cover the noodles, which is is a very small amount of liquid for pasta.

That is not normally what you would do.

And second of all, like,

so you're going to cook it for 20 minutes.

I don't understand how that doesn't turn into just mush.

But I did not have a rotisserie chicken handy, so I boiled two quarts of chicken stock that I bought at the supermarket.

Kitchen Basics, my favorite.

I poached

three chicken tenders that I had in a package from a former sponsor of the podcast, Frozen.

I defrosted it.

Took those out after four and a half minutes.

They were just done.

And then I put in enough egg noodles from a bag

that they just were underneath the surface of the chicken stock.

And that ended up being about a 12-ounce bag.

Yep.

That sounds great.

And I'm going to say this because, you know, your mother-in-law and

grandmother-in-law were making their noodles from scratch.

I bet that's terrific.

I sent someone that I live with who is younger than me to go get some egg noodles from the egg noodle aisle, the trade winds, and came back with yolk-free egg white-only noodles.

Whoa.

Some people are still learning how to be.

I get it.

I get it.

Some people are still learning how to be.

And I know this person

does not listen to her dad on any podcast, so I can say safely, I meant get the egg noodles, not the no-yolks version.

And then I simmered that for 10 minutes because

the stock was already hot.

I put it into hot stock, let it cook for 10 minutes, stirring every five, just like your mother-in-law said.

And then after 10 minutes, though, I started to panic.

Because my dad, whom I adore,

makes a wonderful pasta fajiol, pasta fagiole, or pasta fajole, as we called it growing up.

Now, this is made often with a smoked ham hock, Jennifer Marmer, so it's not for you.

But this is a tomatoey bean and

pasta and ham soup that is so delicious.

But it had been and my dad makes it so well, and there's a whole hunk of parmesan in there.

It's terrific.

Very, very hearty.

You ever have that pasta fajoule, Joel?

Pasta vajol.

Pasta vajol.

Pasta via joel.

Something else they've named after me.

Yeah, that's right.

Terrible.

Terrible.

But

my dad got a slow cooker and didn't realize you can't add the pasta till the end, right?

You put in the pasta at the beginning.

At the end of the slow cooker, because it just is a new thing.

The pasta vajol came out and the, I think it's di Latini, the little tubes, little tubetti, little, you know, whatever they are.

They're like, you would pick one up and it would just fall apart in your fingers.

It was, it was gross.

He understands it.

He's never made the mistake again.

That's what I thought was going to happen.

I was so traumatized by pretending to like this years ago that I was like, I'm not going to let this happen to the noodles, no matter what Jennifer's mother-in-law says.

Sorry, Shane.

Fair.

10 minutes is fine.

Maybe it's different if you got yolks in your noodles.

But for the no-yoles, 10 minutes is fine.

I will say,

I love my in-laws dearly.

It's a mushy dish.

It's a mushy dish.

I think that they just,

they intend, it ends up mushy.

I don't know if that's the intent, but

it's mushy.

They don't even put it on mashed potatoes.

Like, you got to have,

you got to have some bite to these things.

They can't be fallen apart because they're going to continue to cook.

Because after 10 minutes, I added that cream of chicken soup, which was, I've never opened a can of cream of chicken soup.

Have you, Joel?

No.

Yeah.

The cream of chicken soup was not for me to look at.

I didn't enjoy it.

The stick of butter, I've seen those plenty of times.

I'm comfortable with those.

And then I mixed it all up and I shredded my attendees, as Nick Weiger would say on the Doughboys, the podcast that I really wish we had started from the very beginning, because we would be very famous now, but we're happy where we are.

It's fantastic.

Family of listeners, I love you so much.

But the point is, I mix it all together, and I just let it simmer.

Oh, there's one other thing that was not in the recipe.

Did you notice it, Joel?

No.

Salt and pepper.

Zero seasonings.

Zero seasonings.

Yeah.

I

called Shane in to say, does this look right to you?

Because I was thinking, I'm like, I feel like I remember using pepper in this before.

Maybe not salt because the rotisserie chicken is seasoned and there's probably salt in the cream of chicken and there's salt in the butter.

So maybe that's okay.

And Shane.

and the stock.

I use kitchen basics as well.

It's the only kind.

And Shane said, you know, you could also put some pepper in there.

And I was all too glad to take my pepper grinder and go

all over the place.

I did take the liberty of trying, of adding some salt and pepper.

Good.

And in a moment, we're going to go taste it.

Joel and I are going to take another little microwave break.

And we're going to hear from friend of the show, Josh Gondelman.

That's right.

Who sent in some holiday greetings from his neck of the woods, New York City.

I don't know why I'm making a big deal of it.

It's like wherever podcaster lives, it's not in Los Angeles.

All right, let's go microwave Joel.

All right.

Hi, Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorne and producer Jennifer and the whole Judge John Hodgman team.

This is Josh Gondelman.

I hope I'm not too presumptuous to say friend of the show.

I'm a comedian, the host of the podcast, Make My Day, which is on hiatus, a writer and producer for Desus and Merrill and Showtime, which is also on hiatus.

And I'm thrilled to be here at your virtual holiday holiday party.

My favorite things to eat or drink over the holidays.

Gosh, I've got to go with potato luckies, possibly Judaism's greatest carbohydrate.

And then, this one might be controversial, peppermint stick ice cream, which I think should not even be seasonal.

We can get peppermint all year round.

And people say it tastes like toothpaste.

We should be so lucky.

Toothpaste, you mean a flavor that we put in our mouths several times a day without complaint or adjustment every day?

Yeah,

we could do worse in toothpaste.

Also, my new year's resolution for next year is to use my procrastination time to like enjoy my life instead of scrolling online for hours at a time, thinking I'll do work, just to cut bait on the idea of being productive and just like finally watch the Sopranos or something.

That's what I want to do.

If I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, I at least want to be doing the things I want to be doing.

Happy holidays, John, team, listeners.

Be well in the new year.

Bye.

Oh, thank you so much, Josh Gondeman.

Unfortunately, I didn't hear what Josh had to say because we were microwaving up some noodles.

I'm sure it was very sweet, though.

Am I right, Jennifer Marmor?

It was sweeter than a peppermint stick ice cream.

Jennifer Marmor, Joel and I are now back from the microwave.

Uh-huh.

I have microwaved up the noodles.

I'm stirring them around.

All right.

Three minutes seemed to be the right amount.

This is what it looks like.

It came out nice and creamy.

Yeah.

I think the noodles still have basic structural integrity.

Joel?

Yes, Judge.

You go ahead and slide down, take a bite, and then slide back up and tell me what you think of just the noodles.

Just the noodles.

Just the noodles.

Yeah.

Joel is taking a bite.

He's off mic for the moment because we're trying to be less disgusting for once in our lives.

He's chewing.

Wait, Joel, don't finish.

He's nodding.

They're good.

I like the noodles.

They're good.

They seem to be seasoned well.

I like a good yolk, but it's all right.

Well, yeah, I could have put a whole yolk in there for you.

I'm sorry next time.

Slide me down.

I'm going to take a bite.

Slide me up.

Slide me up.

You're there.

I'm going to tell you something right now, Jennifer Marmor.

God or whatever, damn delicious.

Yeah.

You know, the only thing that would make it better?

It's creamy.

It's not too salty.

It's very nicely peppery.

Yeah.

You said you would add something to it, though.

A smoked paprika.

Smoked paprika would be nice.

That's a little more kicked.

That would give it a little something, and it would give it

a little bit of color.

Right.

Like if you have this.

It's very beige.

Yeah,

it's a pallid, a very pallid entree.

Yeah.

You know, Bailey said something in her letter that I thought was interesting that, you know,

her wife and her family have converted her to liking these noodles.

And, you know, I also was an outsider coming into a family where this was traditional food.

And it didn't take much converting, but like, you know, I really look forward to these noodles every Christmas Eve.

This is some very classic Midwestern soupy casserole deliciousness.

And I think that if you were to, if you were to put this into a casserole and then dusted it with that smoked paprika on top, it would not only taste a little bit better, it would

look a lot better.

But I don't mean to correct you.

What Bailey was converted to was not merely the noodles, but also the carb on carb, putting the noodles on top of mashed potatoes.

Now, Joel, I didn't get you any chicken from the chicken place at the gas station, but they do have mashed potatoes, and I picked some up.

Have you tried the combo?

No.

All right, let's try the combo.

I'm putting the noodles on top.

I haven't tried the combo.

On the mashed potatoes.

I made some mashed potatoes as well.

Oh, you made your own, right?

I did, yeah.

Here it is.

It's a nice.

Let me see yours.

Mush.

Yeah, that looks really good.

That looks really nice.

I made a lot of mashed potatoes, but I don't know how not to make a lot.

Here's how you don't make a lot of mashed potatoes.

Get them from the gas station.

There you go.

That's the best way to do it.

I went through the same thing, and I realized I'm passing by the gas station.

Jennifer Marmora's having her bite.

Joel, slide me down.

Wait a minute.

Have you had your bite?

No.

Of the combo?

All right, slide down and take a bite.

He's taking a bite.

Jennifer Marmor has taken her bite.

I have.

What do you think about the combo, Jennifer Marmor?

Because you're done.

I like it.

It's a little heavy on the mush because I did,

as my mother-in-law tends to do.

So it's a lot of mush and it's a lot of beige.

Yeah.

And you know what they say you eat with your eyes.

Right.

But it does taste good to me.

It has the creamy color of 1981 1981

wall-to-wall carpeting in a Conran's decor book.

You like that one, Joel?

You love those Conrans jokes, don't you?

All right.

Slide me down.

I'm taking my bite.

Go.

Slide me up.

Slide me up.

You there?

There shouldn't be mashed potatoes in this dish.

It's not necessary.

It's the best

gas station mashed potatoes ever.

And the noodles are really delicious, but you're right, it'd be better in a casserole.

Yeah.

But together, I would never.

Bailey, this is your judge speaking.

Your wife's family's got it wrong.

Just make the noodles right.

You don't need the mashed potatoes.

Jennifer Marmor,

this is your judge speaking.

Your mother-in-law does it right, except cut the time in half.

All right, I got to eat some more of these incredible noodles.

Let's take a break.

We'll be back for the conclusion of our office holiday party here on the Judge John Hodgkin podcast, including Eggnog with Sprite.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I'm Valerie Moffat.

I'm a production fellow here at Maximum Fun, and I edit the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

My favorite thing to eat or drink during the holiday season is just a hot cup of coffee on Christmas morning.

My parents have always been big coffee drinkers, and I have never been much of a morning person.

And so having just a hot cup of coffee first thing thing in the morning on Christmas morning

really,

there's just something special about it, and it's real nice.

That's all.

Hey, that was Valerie Moffat.

She introduced herself, obviously, but I just wanted to say thank you, Valerie, for editing so deftly over the past year.

Is it a year or longer, Jennifer Marmor?

At least I would say a year.

I don't know.

It's hard to keep track of time.

It feels like forever and just 30 seconds.

But Valerie, thank you so much for being part of the Judge John Hodgman team and the Maximum Fun team.

And

we really, really appreciate you.

And a cup of coffee on an early or even late holiday morning.

That sounds very, very good, especially after I've eaten all those noodles.

I could really use a cup of coffee now.

So thank you very much, Valerie.

This is the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the last segment of our last episode of the year 2021.

Our office holiday party is coming to a close with dessert.

And then, of course, eggnog with Sprite.

But first, dessert.

This concoction was suggested to us by listener Dana,

pronounced like banana, it says here.

Thank you very much, Jennifer Marmor.

Cool.

Dana like banana.

That was Dana.

That was all Dana.

I'm sure Dana's been having to say Dana like banana for many, many years.

Good job, Dana.

Dana's family has traditionally had pineapple.

Oh,

sorry.

That's okay.

Let's keep it on there.

It's my scallop guy.

It's the scallop guy

is texting.

Are the scallops ready?

Do you got to go right now?

Is he on the dock?

No, he's coming over to Bucksport, so he'll drop them off.

He's going to drop him off?

You don't have to go down to the dock?

I think so.

All right.

Well, that was a timely text because this is the dramatic moment where I say.

Pineapple and marshmallow fluff on Christmas Eve.

Joel,

stop texting with your your scallop guy for a second.

You know what marshmallow fluff is.

I've tried to avoid it, yeah.

It is a New England staple.

Jennifer Marmor, you know what marshmallow fluff is.

I do.

Did you ever have it growing up?

Not growing up.

In the West Coast, we had marshmallow cream,

which was made by Jetpuff or whatever, and it was just, I think it's similar to the colour.

Same deal, though?

Spreadable marshmallow in a jar?

Yes, exactly.

And would you combine marshmallow cream with peanut butter to make a marshmallow and peanut butter sandwich?

What we call here a fluffer nutter?

I had heard about it, but I never did that.

You've never done it.

But you found some marshmallow fluff

in California, and you are also going to join us in dipping pineapple chunks in marshmallow fluff.

Yeah.

So Dana grew up in Sacramento.

They don't know if this is regional to someplace other than Sacramento or who made it up.

Apparently it comes from Dana's mom's parents.

And Dana writes, since it comes from her parents and she mentioned adding a little water to the fluff to improve dipping texture, I'm going to say, all I did was cut up a pineapple and put some fluff in a paper bowl.

And I'm going to have one of these fancy Le Le Gance toothpicks and I'm going to dip it right in the fluff because I tried adding water to it and it turned into a real mess.

I tried adding water to it.

I did it in this little plastic cup.

It looks like in art class when you have like a cup of glue or paste.

And I, you know, tried to tried to mix it with the water and it did make a little bit of a mess, but I was successful.

I don't have the same toothpick that you do.

I have the kind with the little cellophane.

Oh, you got a frilly.

You got a cellophane frill.

Very nice.

Yeah.

Well seasonal

appropriate.

Just from the

aroma, it's not as gross as I worried it would be, and now I'm going to try one.

Slide me down.

Oh, I was going to try it and I lost my pineapple in the fluff.

Just doesn't want to stick to that toothpick.

The fluff is too strong.

Okay, I'm going to taste it as well.

All right, I just tried it.

This is about the best pineapple you can get in Maine in December.

I'll tell you that, first of all.

Yeah, I was skeptical of buying a pineapple in December, even in California.

It was Slim Pickens at the Gelson's.

Yeah, but I found a pineapple.

I chopped it up.

I'm going to say, I like this.

This isn't bad.

I do too.

Joel, have you tried yours?

I like it a lot.

No, here I go.

All right, Joel is trying his.

He's dipped the pineapple into the fluff.

There is something

light and cool and tropical breezy about it.

I love pineapple.

Yeah.

Even on pizza.

Oh, boy, that's a controversial point of view.

But

it's a fluff.

I just don't want to go there.

It's not for you.

No.

You don't like it?

No.

Okay.

Even smoky paprika won't fix it.

I had a case of fluff that I was going to donate to the station, but no, it sounds like...

No, okay.

What about on scallops?

You ever have a

pineapple on scallops?

A fluffer.

Oh, fluffer, fluffy.

A fluff instead of a fluffer nutter sandwich, a fluffer scallop.

On a seared scallop.

A fluffer scallop.

Oh, boy.

On a sabata.

Dial me down again.

Jennifer Marmer, talk, because I'm going to go in for another bite here.

I got to say, I really like this one a lot.

And

unlike Joel, I am a big fan of the marshmallow fluff.

I haven't had it a ton in my life, but when I was getting the,

you know, fluff water sauce ready for this tasting earlier today, I licked the spoon and I was very pleased.

I was super into it.

Joel is too busy eating another piece of pineapple.

Did you put fluff on it?

No.

No, just straight up pineapple.

Mm-hmm.

On the rock.

Pretty good pineapple for Maine in December, I have to say.

Thank you, global supply chain.

We need to survive.

Hey, if combining pineapple and marshmallow fluff helps you to survive, go ahead and do it.

What I would suggest is

cube the pineapple

and toss it in fluff.

Ah.

And then

have it with a little fork.

Does that sound okay?

What do you think, Jennifer Marmor?

Sure.

That sounds fine.

There is something a little bit fun about having it like dipped, but I did have some difficulty.

I lost the pineapple chunk in the fluff.

It was just bringing it down.

I would say that

the fluff has such a unique and strange texture when you open up that jar of fluff.

And of course, I had forgotten that a jar of fluff weighs nothing.

If you have a jar of peanut butter and a jar of fluff, like it's the fluff feels like it's going to lift out of your hand because it's just whipped sugar.

Exactly.

And when you open it up, it's got that very uncanny texture that's so strange and mesmerizing.

I wouldn't mess with that, with water or anything like that.

Let the pineapple water the fluff.

That's always been my motto anyway.

That's a good point.

Well, I am looking at this feast, and here's what I've got in front of me.

I have got some congealed penny gravy over a completely untouched egg o waffle, two pieces of pineapple in a paper bowl full of fluff.

a carton of mashed potatoes from the chicken place at the gas station,

the empty cup of Jaegermeister and orange juice, and one bite of tomato soup salad, vacant from this otherwise sea of tomato soup salad, which is gross.

I mean, it really is just only four by three inches or so of glass container, but it looks like a terrible ocean that wants to kill me as though it were the ocean of Maine.

It's a little song that I made up.

We are now...

at the eggnog portion, and then we will say happy holidays and farewell.

On this, the very night of the winter solstice as we were recording this.

This is the longest night of the year.

Joel is so ready.

He's grabbing that eggnog and that cup.

So let us get set up here while you play one more greeting from our friend Monty Belmonte down in western Massachusetts.

Wintertime, no sun time,

lots of holiday fun time.

Guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte.

I have not had enough Jaegermeister to endure the puns I'm sure he has put into this.

So let's let it roll.

Well, hello.

I'm so happy to be invited to the Judge John Hodgman Holiday Office Party.

I'm summertime fun-time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, but I guess I'm wintertime fun-time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte.

Right now, my favorite thing to eat during the holidays is it's difficult to go and get this at a store.

I don't know if it exists, but since I was born.

with my Italian family on Christmas Eve, we have had lobster sauce.

So it's a tomato-based sauce, but instead of like meatballs and sausages with it, it is made with lobsters.

Instead of my grandmother making it like when I was a kid, and then after my grandmother died, my uncle taking it over.

And because of the pandemic, these last two years in a row, I have made it now for the family.

So you basically get as many lobster bodies from a fish market that they'll usually willing to give you for cheap as can fit into your pot.

And then a couple of live lobsters that you kill.

and then bake stuff their tails, put their bodies in the tomato sauce and eat it with linguine is the best.

And that's my favorite thing to eat during the holidays.

To drink this year, I'm going to have a bottle of Montenidoli Il Garulo Chianti.

It's made by this wonderful little old lady in Chianti, a real pioneer when it comes to the world of wine making.

And she reminds me so much of my grandmother.

So I'll be having it with a bottle of that.

And then for the following week, on New Year's Eve, I'm hoping to get a bottle of my favorite champagne, which is Billicart Simone.

And if you can afford the Rosé version of it, you've been having a really good year.

And I can't.

So you can get me one if you want to.

Thanks.

Have a happy holiday.

Thank you very much, Monty Belmonte.

I hope to get to Western Mass soon and go to the Shea Theater.

Shea Theater is a terrific community theater that does lots of local presentations that Monty is on the board of, and it deserves your support if you can offer it.

In the meantime, there is no more putting this off, Joel.

Do you have your eggnog before you?

I do.

I have my eggnog before me.

This is a quality New England brand, a quality New England dairy called Hood.

And this is just the stuff they sell at the supermarket.

I couldn't get any of the fancy pants eggnog, and I didn't, even if I could, I didn't want to mix it with Sprite.

What's the ratio here, Judge?

I think we're just going to have to make it up.

But before we do the Sprite, we're going to do the orange juice.

Jennifer Marmer, do you have...

Let's taste the eggnog first, and then we'll add the orange juice.

Orange juice?

Wait, orange juice or orange soda?

Sorry, let me Orange soda.

Let me reset.

Whoa, Joel's already on his way.

Never mind.

Things at this holiday party are getting out of hand.

It's orange soda.

Jennifer Marmon, do you have eggnog?

I do.

I prepared my drinks and then brought them into the studio, so I don't have the plain eggnog with me.

It's in the refrigerator.

I did sample it before I mixed it with anything earlier today.

It's the, I don't, you know what?

I've never said this brand out loud.

Brozere, Broguer.

I don't know.

It has a cow on it.

Milk so fresh, the cow doesn't know it's missing.

Bro.

Their tack line.

Bro chair.

Okay.

Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle here because, Joel, did you open both of these by any chance?

No.

Okay, because I have opened this brand new carton of eggnog that I got at the supermarket yesterday and did not touch, but it doesn't have the pull tab in it, and it's clearly the sum that's been taken out.

You want some of mine?

Yeah.

You didn't drink from the carton, did you?

No.

Okay, masks on, and you can pour some into my cup.

Just one of those unpredictable things at an office holiday party.

Okay, my guess is that

the young person who

is in my family, who got the no-yolk egg noodles,

may have sampled some of this eggnog before I left the house.

They were missing these yolks.

Yeah, that's right.

Let's hope that it's that and not someone at the trade winds trying to poison me.

All right, now I'm just going to test this eggnog because I'm just as a default.

I've never had this brand before.

Definitely tastes like grocery store eggnog, it has its charms.

Now

I'm going to add, I'm going to

save some for the sprite experiment.

Now I'm going to add orange soda, Joel, is the first thing up.

Okay.

I'm doing like a one-to-one.

Yeah, I think that's right.

One-to-one.

That's about what I did.

Wow.

It's like a dreamsicle.

I was just going to say, like a creamsicle, right?

A cream sickle.

Yeah, I don't like eggnog.

This makes it better, the orange soda.

Wow.

Jennifer Marlowe.

I also am not a big Nog fan.

Very thick.

That's good.

Wow.

I'm going to drink the whole thing.

I've never seen Joel Mann get so excited about a non-scallop food or beverage in my life.

Who suggested the orange soda and eggnog?

Pam, near Seattle.

She told you to forget eggnog and sprite.

The answer is eggnog and orange soda.

Pam, near Seattle, thank you for suggesting that.

Now I'm going to try it.

It sure smells terrific, I have to say.

Gee, your nog smells terrific.

Gee, your nog smells terrific.

You're making reference to the 1970s shampoo shampoo commercials

where everyone said, gee, your hair smells terrific.

The product itself was called Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific, and it promised you that if you washed your hair with it, strangers would be smelling your hair all the time and commenting on it.

Sounds like a thing I don't want to share.

No, I know, exactly.

It happens to me all the time.

Joel is follicularly challenged, as a weird dad might say.

Boy, oh boy, this is a

dreamy.

It is dreamy.

This is a real discovery, Pam, near Seattle.

All right.

You lose a little nog, but it's certainly good.

I like it.

I sign off on that.

A little vodka, you're all set.

Whoa, okay.

If that's your

right.

I don't know how that would

change the.

I don't think much.

Yeah, it would thin it out a little bit.

A little bit, yeah.

Yeah.

Huh.

All right, I'll have to go tell the nog thief at my house to try adding some orange soda to it next time.

Okay, here we are.

This is it.

There's nothing left but the nog and the sprite.

There comes a time when the holiday office party must come to an end.

Luckily, this year, none of us embarrass ourselves.

We all will go home with dignity and to enjoy this winter solstice in peaceful contemplation with our friends and loved ones.

I hope that you may do so too, whether you are with friends and loved ones or all by yourself.

I love you and I wish you a very, very

peaceful solstice and okay plus new year.

That's my toast, but I forgot to put the sprite and the eggnog, so I'm going to do that now.

You can also use 7-up according to Chad.

Chad,

I didn't get to try your fried bologna appetizer recipe because it's basically fried bologna.

That was the recipe.

It's probably pretty good.

Fried bologna, roll it up, put an elegant toothpick into it.

That's a good thing you can do.

An upnog is what he enjoys.

That's eggnog with 7-up.

I'll note right now that the eggnog with sprite is much foamier for some reason.

Did you notice that?

I did.

Yeah.

And it kind of does the same thing, but it's not as good as the orange soda, I think.

I'd go with the orange.

Milder.

Yeah.

And it veers, it's weird because it veers into kind of a pepperminty vibe for me.

I mean, there's no peppermint, obviously.

Right.

But

it's got that kind of

a light, effervescent, pep minty vibe.

It's like the minty vibe of a shamrock shake at McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah.

The light mojito-y minty.

All right, here's what I'm going to say.

I'm the judge.

I'm going to tell you what.

Dan,

your dear friend Matt, may be a dear friend, and he can like whatever he likes.

But this tastes like toothpaste to me, and I don't like it.

I would be more

impressed if I hadn't just had eggnog and orange soda, which was truly one of the most surprising holiday miracles I've ever put in my mouth.

Sorry.

This nog got overshadowed by Pam near Seattle.

She's right.

Forget eggnog with Sprite, Matt.

Dan's correct.

I find in his favor.

This is the sound of a gabble.

Judge John Hodgman rules.

That is basically all for 2021.

Thank you so much, Jennifer Marmor, for being our producer.

Thank you, Joel, for being here with me in Maine today and trying all these foods.

Thank you so much to Valerie Moffat for being the editor.

Thank you so much to Jesse Thorne.

I hope you're getting some rest and recovering swiftly.

And thank you to all of you listeners for being with us this year.

Who knew that 2021 I would be back in this radio station hiding in the cold and snow?

Dark.

I do, it's dark.

It's dark.

But this is the winter solstice.

Let us hope that there are longer, brighter, sunnier, warmer days ahead.

I have a feeling we'll get there.

You can listen to WERU, of course, at weru.org.

You can follow Joel on Instagram.

His handle is the main man.

You can follow us on Twitter.

I'm at Hodgman.

Jesse is at Jesse Thorne.

We are also on Instagram, and you can be sure

there are going to be a lot of photos of a lot of foods over at at JudgeJohnHodgman on Instagram.

If you want a chance to name one of our cases, follow us on Twitter.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO.

Oh, you can also check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode and share your own

unusual or very, very usual favorite holiday memories, treats, traditions, whatever they may be.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfund.org.

We'll talk to you next time in a whole new year on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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